Paint Me A Picture (AU,M/L,ADULT) [COMPLETE] 4/6/05

[Itzstacie]

all i am going to say is dont worry she is isnt going to be that forgiving towards Max.

Oh and if you looked at my banner you will notice some of the words used below, its from song call "When I'm Gone' by Rockell


Part 10

‘Haven’t you done enough’ I say as I hear him softly walking up behind me. “Liz’ he starts “just go away Max’ I say as I turn away from him

“Liz please ‘he pleads, I continue to stare out over the cliffs, wondering what would happen if I were to just disappear over the edge.

Would anyone miss me if I was gone, would they remember me, would they keep me in their hearts, their dreams, or would I just fade into the back of their minds like a distant memory.

I let out a sigh and turn towards him ‘what do you want, and how did you find me anyways’ I ask figuring he’s not going to leave and the sooner we get this over with the better.

His eyes look down at the gravel and he shoves his hands into this front pockets ‘your sketches’ he whispers out guilty. My eyes widen as my heart starts pounding ‘you…you looked at my sketches’ I hesitantly ask.

He looks up at me and slowly nods his head ‘you…you dropped them…and then….Maria’ “Oh God Maria saw them too’ I shout ‘and Alex’ he finishes.

My body is shaking, trembling against my protest, now they know everything. I drew my life in those, the life I wished for, the life I lost.

“I had to know’ he says looking softly at me, I narrow my eyes at him ‘know what’ I demand. His gaze shifts and he nervously licks his lips ‘how much…how much I hurt you’ he says, I fold my arms across my chest, straightening my spine ‘oh I see and just looking at my face wasn’t good enough for you’ I snap.

‘Go home Max, thanks to you my father wants to send me away’ I turn my back to him once more as I close my eyes fighting against the lump in my throat.

“Liz, I…I didn’t go to your father out of spite…seeing you in school today like that…it killed me, I couldn’t stand by and let you destroy your life’ he stutters out. I sniff as the first tear rolls down my cheek, a big fat ugly drop right down my face and rolls off my chin.

“Liz…Liz I know I messed up badly, I know I’m an asshole. I treated you like nothing because I was scared…I didn’t know what to do so I hid behind my insecurities and lashed out at the one person who means the world to me’ he says as I hear his voice crack.

‘I’m sorry….I’m so sorry Liz’ he cries out, I can hear him sniff and I turn just in time to see him quickly wiping at his eyes, ‘I cant forgive you’ I say as my heart breaks more, I hear his breath catch and he looks down at his shoes ‘You hurt me Max, I gave you my virginity….did it…did it even matter to you, did you even realize that’ I cry out.

His head snaps up and he looks at me ‘yes I know’ he whispers ‘I gave you mine as well’ he says. My eyes widen but I quickly hid my puzzlement ‘what about Tess’

He shakes his head as he runs a hand thru his head ‘Tess and I never slept together, just kissed…in fact we were never serious’ This time I don’t hide my confusion, they have been going out for years how could it not be serious.

‘In the beginning it was, but over time we both realized that we made better friends, I know what it looked out on the outside…but on the inside’ he shakes his head. ‘But…but you went on a couples weekend’ I snide using my fingers to make imaginary quote marks.

‘It wasn’t for us, she knew how I felt about you…she was the one who kept telling me to tell you how I felt, but I was to much of a coward to do it’.

‘And how do you feel’ I ask, I feel the tears starting up again as my heart starts racing; I realize that I am terrified to hear his answer and I hold my breath.

‘I love you’

Instead of feeling joy, or my heart bursting with the words I longed to hear from him, instead I get angry. HAH loves me? I don’t believe him, you don’t push away someone you love, and you don’t verbally abuse someone you love.

And most of all you don’t let someone you love fall.

‘Love’ I hiss ‘you don’t know what love is Max…I bore my heart and soul to you and you made me feel like something that wasn’t even worth scrapping off the bottom of your shoe’ I yell as I swipe angrily at my tears.

His eyes bore into mine and I can see his guilt, but I don’t let myself fell sorry for him, he hurt me worse than Nancy ever could and I don’t know if I will ever get past that.

‘I’m sorry Liz…I’m so sorry…I know I don’t deserve forgiveness or even…even your friendship…I …I don’t know how to ever make up for that’.

I take a step back as he takes one forward, he stops and looks at me “I’ll walk away Liz…if that’s what you want me to do, I’ll walk away and never bother you again…but as long as you keep drinking I can’t.

I do know what love is Liz, and I know that I love you enough to do what I had to for you get some help, including going to your father’ he says.

‘I don’t need any help’ I yell ‘it wasn’t your place to go to my father…you just run around here thinking you can just control everything with your high and mighty ways…well I have news for you Max Evans you are not keeper’.

In two quick strides he is before me grasping my upper arms ‘you do need help, you are an alcoholic and I’ll be dammed if I stand there and watch you do it anymore…you may not care anymore but I do, your father does, Maria, Alex, Isabel, Michael, Tess they all give a dam’.

“Let me go’ I say harshly my eyes hard and menacing ‘NO’ he says ‘not until you admit you have a drinking problem and need help’.

‘Dam You’ I shout ‘dam you, who the hell do you think you are’ my body is trembling terrible, I am having trouble breathing as my heart pounds heavily inside my chest ‘you don’t own me, you don’t…I hate you’ I sob out ‘I hate you, I hate you, I hate you…let me go’ as I shove against him with all my might.

He lets go and I fell myself stumble back and then flying, I reach out grabbing for anything and my hands catch a ledge, I grasp on tightly as my feet dangle in the air.

‘LIZZZZZ’ I hear him scream frantically.

‘Liz’ he screams as I look up to see his panicked face looking over the ledge, “Liz take my hand’ he pleaded ‘please’

I close my eyes as I hold on, my brain rapidly flying with thoughts, I could easily let go and never have to worry again, never have to feel a solid feeling, and I’m so tired of feeling.

‘Just let me go’ I cry ‘I don’t want to hurt anymore, just let me go’

I could just let go and escape, just close my eyes and let go. It would so easy, my hands are tingling from holding on so tightly, and I feel myself getting tired.

‘NO” he sobs out not caring that tears are streaming from his face ‘don’t you give up Elizabeth Anne Parker…you hear me don’t you give up…now take my hand’.

I open my eyes and stare into his amber orbs that are coated with salty tears, those golden specks begging me not to give up, not to leave him.

My father flies into my mind and I realize that I’m all he has left, and I let him down. Suddenly I don’t want this to be his last thoughts of me; I don’t want his last memory to be of his daughter killing herself.

I want him to be proud of me again, I want to look into his eyes and see approval instead of disappointment. I close my eyes again and let out a shaky breath before opening them and bracing myself as I reach for safety.

[Itzstacie]

sneaking in really fast and dropping this off, Sunday will probably be the next time i can update



Part 11

I’ve only seen my father cry once, when I was little I had woken up one night to use the bathroom and when I crept out my room I heard this anguished howling coming from the living room.

I walked slowly towards it and peeked in, my father was sitting there with his head in his hands trying to muffle his sobs. I remember standing there confused thinking what happened to make my daddy cry like this.

He never cried, he was this big strong man in my eyes, always making sure I ate, bathed, always making sure I had everything to make me happy. I had never seen him like that and it scared me, the next morning he acted like nothing ever happened, he was his usual self again hugging and smiling at me.

I would have never guessed that the second time would be because of me.

Standing there watching him, my walls crumbled down around me and suddenly I was hit with the sheer force of just how much I was hurting everyone around me, instead of being his sixteen year old daughter instantly I was this eight year old little girl again lost, scared and confused.

‘Daddy’ I cry out, he yanked his head up in my direction and I find myself instantly crushed in his arms, we sink to the ground holding each other as I repeatedly cry out ‘I’m sorry….I’m so sorry daddy’.

He rocks me back and forth much like he used to do when I was little ‘its okay baby…your gonna be okay’ he whispers. For the first time I find myself calling out the words I desperately
tried to scream for the last year ‘help me daddy… please help me’.

His grip tightens around me as he continues to openly cry ‘its going to be okay Lizzie, its going to be okay, I’m going to help you baby…I’m going to help you’.

I don’t know how long we stayed like that, just holding onto to each other he refused to let go and I refused to let him, in that moment I felt safe, safe in his promises that he would make everything better, and I just wanted to believe him for a little while longer.

When he finally released me he explained to me about what happened earlier, he told me he didn’t know Nancy was downstairs when I ran out, and when he chased after me he spotted her. Maria and Alex quickly told him what happened and he called the sheriff and they took her away. We talked about this place he wanted me to go to.

It was a place that helped young teenagers deal with drugs, abuse, alcohol and other problems, that it wasn’t a big place and for the first three months I wouldn’t have contact with my friends or family because they felt it was easier for the person to start healing.

By time I got upstairs after agreeing to go I notice how exhausted I am, it amazes me how much crying can wear someone out, when I step into my room I notice Maria sleeping on my bed clutching my sketchbook tightly in her hands, I know a few more tears are about to be shed.

I slowly make my way over and nudge her, she mumbles something out about five more minutes’ mom and I can’t help but smile. “Maria’ I nudge her again and I sit back watching as she blinks slowly coming out, her confused look replaces with realization and she grabs me squeezing tightly ‘oh God Liz’ she says ‘I was so worried about you, I wanted to run after you but then I saw what that bitch did to you and I just had to make sure she didn’t get away’.

I place my finger on her lips to quiet her babbling ‘it’s okay Maria’ I tell her, she pulls back and shakes her head ‘no its not, I’m a terrible friend’ she says, “Maria’ I sigh, I really don’t want to do this with her right now, but I know I have to, in the morning I will be gone and truthfully deep down I really want to tell her goodbye.

She puts my sketchbook down and stands up giving her head a shake to try and smooth out her bed tangled hair, she puts her hands on her hips, closes her eyes and squints up her face ‘okay hit me’ she says, my jaw drops open, did she just say what I think she did.

She peeks out of one eye ‘come on hit me…I’m a terrible friend and I deserve to be pounded in the ground’ she says, I shake my head in disbelief and I really cant help the smile that spreads across my face, I get up and walk towards her and she closes her eye again waiting for me to knock her one.

I shake my head “Maria I’m not going to hit you’ I say taking her by her arms and bringing her back towards the bed. She looks surprised and I take a seat next to her ‘if anything I should be letting you hit me’ I say.

She goes to open her mouth but I quickly shut her up ‘Maria you shouldn’t have had to deal with me like this, you are already going thru this with your mom’ she looks down at the comforter and I can see she’s fighting back tears.

I swallow past the huge lump in my throat and place my hand over hers ‘you are the last person I should have suspected to stand by me’ she shakes her head denying it ‘no I should have been the first one doing it…but…to be honest…it just really hurt a lot to see you like that, I’m watching my mother throw her life away, and I…I just couldn’t do it with you, I’m sorry I didn’t have the strength’.

‘Maria its okay I understand, really I do’ I say, she grips me in a hug ‘I’m sorry Liz, I’m sorry I let my weakness get in the way’, I pull back and grip her shoulders ‘hey hey you are not weak Maria, you have more strength and courage than anyone I know…your dating Michael Geriun that alone shows you have a tremendous amount of strength’.

She gives out a half snort and shakes her head in agreement, I close my eyes and look for my courage ‘I’m leaving in the morning’ I say as I start looking at everything but her, she turns my head back towards hers ‘what do you mean you are leaving’ she asks, I shrug my shoulders like its nothing ‘I am going to a clinic to get help’ I say.

She puts her hand over mine squeezing it a little ‘are you scared’ she says softly, I look up at her ‘terrified’ I say, she puts her arms around me ‘your going to be fine’ she says, I hug her back feeling like some of the tension is gone and I find myself really relived that she is here ‘I’m so glad you’re here Maria’.

“I am too…I really missed you’ she says, still hugging me ‘Liz what about the others…are you going to let them know your leaving or say goodbye’ she says, she notices how I tense up and she immediately adds ‘I know things have been horrible lately…but they do care’ I pull out and get up walking towards my dresser staring a picture of the group of us ‘you tell them for me’ I say as I pick the picture up and run my fingers over it.

‘They’ll be upset, but I’ll make them understand’ she says coming up to me ‘I don’t want you to worry about anyone but yourself’ she says ‘And when you can write me’ I give her a shaky nod and fill my eyes filling up again.

She pulls me into another hug ‘promise’ she whispers as her tears fall, I close my eyes ‘I promise’ I whisper, ‘I love you Lizzie and I know your going to get thru this’ she cries ‘I love you too Maria and I swear I will get better’.

The next morning as I make my way out to the car, and my father is putting my suitcase in the trunk, out of the corner of my eye I spot a small movement.

I turn to see Max standing there across the street, his hands are shoved deep inside his pockets and the building is blocking out the sun giving me the perfect view of his face and those amber eyes filling with tears.

We didn’t talk about what happened at the cliffs, or what happened before I fell, after he pulled me up I asked him to take me home and neither one of us spoke the entire ride to my house.

It was when he pulled up and cut off the engine did he ask me what was going to happen and if there was anyway for us to get past this. I didn’t have an answer because the truth was I didn’t know.

Suddenly everything I wanted was there in front of me and I couldn’t let myself have it, how could I take care of someone else’s life when my own was in destruction.

I told him I didn’t know what was going to happen, but for the time being I just needed to be on my own, I needed to figure out how to get my life back in control. I told him that he needed to do the same.

He asked me if I would ever be able to forgive him, that if we would ever to be able to deal with our feelings like normal people, I didn’t have an answer, but standing there across the way this morning staring at his heart broken expression, I find it deep inside me, to deal with Max, I first have to learn to deal with myself.

We stare silently at each other until he gives me a half smile and I feel my father’s hand on my arm. I look up to my father and nod letting him led me to the car, I don’t look back across the street as he drives off.

Several hours later I step out of the car while my father collects my suitcase out of the trunk, I turn and look at the building I am going to be living in for I don’t know how long. It doesn’t look like a hospital but instead one of those old country homes.

The big willow trees shade the house from the harsh sun, I can see a swing that lazily sways back and forth off in the distance, My father comes up and suddenly I find myself trembling ‘I’m scared daddy’ I whisper.

He wraps his arms around me and hold tightly ‘I know baby, but you’ll be okay….this is something you have to do and as soon as I can I will visit, I promise’.

My tears turn into hiccupping sobs as I grip hold of him harder, I’m terrified of what’s going to happen, what if I fail, I’m so scared that once I walk thru those doors I’ll never see anyone again.

He smoothes my hair down as he trembles lightly holding onto to me ‘You’ll do just fine Lizzie’ he pulls back and looks in my eyes ‘I believe in you’ he says smiling.

He puts one arm around me and leads me towards the doors ‘your going to be just fine’ he says again.

[Itzstacie]

Okay i finished it, not to happy with it but here it is, its actually turning out longer than i thought and I jumped time forward, I didn't feel like going into every single detail about what Liz went thru and then do it all again when i bring her home so you get kind of the idea in this chapter.

Part 12

It’s been 85 days since I’ve last had a drink and still some days I feel like I want to pull the hair of my head.

There are some days when my body craves for alcohol so much that I feel like just giving up and sneaking off to find a liquor store somewhere, my body shakes so bad some days that I tell myself it’s not worth it.

But I don’t give in, I repeat the words over and over in my mind when I feel like that to take it one day at time, remind myself that my body functioned before without it and it can do it again.

Some days I close my eyes and wonder why I am here at all, sitting in group therapy there are so many kids with real problems, and they make mine seem so small.

It took a month for me to even admit I had a problem, and when I did I felt so embarrassed because these other kids had lived so much harder lives.

My room mate Serena was there because her father had raped her repeatedly, there was another kid John who tried to kill himself because his brother had made it known to the world that he was gay.

There was a kid Mark who was in there because he and his girlfriend tried to commit a joint suicide, she succeeded he didn’t and then there was Susan and Robert who were left to fend for their selves when they were ten and winded up on the streets and both addicted to drugs.

My problems seemed like a big fat joke compared to theirs, it took a while to open up to them and openly admit what happened. I found that I could talk to them a lot easier then I could my own friends back home.

I told them everything about my mom leaving, about Nancy, about my drinking and about Max. Not of them looked down on me or made me feel like I was wasting time being there and not once did they judge me.

When they finally said that I could start receiving letters and phone calls, Maria was the first one to write me after my dad, I couldn’t help but feel a great weight had been lifted off me when I read his letter.

He told me that he filed for divorce and I know even thou he didn’t admit it, he was upset. I know he really loved Nancy and I’m pretty sure on some level she really loved him too.

She just had issues with me, my counselor seems to think it was jealousy issues because of the relationship between my father and I, and what’s funny to me is that it didn’t seem we really had much of one after she came along.

He tells me that the Crash Down is doing really good and that he’s eating okay, he tells me that Max stops by every now and then and checks on him, makes sure he’s doing okay and if there’s anything he can do for him.

He tells me not to worry about him and to concentrate on myself, I know he’s trying to be strong for me and that gives me the strength to carry on and get thru this.

I hold Maria’s letter in my hand unopened, I’ve had it truthfully about a week now, I just couldn’t bring myself to open it I don’t know if its nerves or what, but I figured its time to start mending friendships.

I know deep down that they are still my friends and always will be, friends make mistakes all the time and it’s either you forgive them and move on or you don’t and make them a part of the past. There is to much history with these people to just make them part of the past and I know that I had my share of making mistakes along the way, so now its time to hold on to what is most important and make amends.

I slip easily on the swing and pull my feet up underneath me, I slowly open the letter while ignoring the trembling of my fingers, I can’t help but smile as I pull it open and notice all the cartoon doodling on the edges of the letter.

I take a deep breath and start reading, she tells me how everyone is doing and how much they miss me, and she tells me about how she and Michael are talking about getting married after high school. I can’t help but raise an eyebrow at that.

She tells me that Alex got a gig playing every Saturday night at local teen club and Isabel is right there beside him being the ever popular groupie. I have to smile at that one, the pristine Isabel Evans a groupie.

I can feel my heart beating a little harder as I make my way down the letter, I know she is going to tell me about Max, my eyes immediately advert from the letter, the truth is I’m actually scared to know.

If I close my eyes I can still see his haunted expression that day I left, can still see the way his eyes begged me to forgive him, he has become the biggest factor since I have taken control of the drinking.

I know I still love him, I think I always will and knowing that he loves me too makes things so much harder. I’ve wanted him for so long and now that I know it’s actually possible I’m scared to embrace it.

I don’t blame him fully for that day, we both jumped in feet first and didn’t think about the consequences until afterwards and I know we both said things to hide the hurt and confusion we both were going thru that day.

When your emotions are heightened like that you say things without thinking and I know when you’re scared on the defensive you say things just to hurt the other person to try and lessen the hurt you are feeling.

So I cant totally blame him for what he said, I played my part in it and I have admitted it, I can sit here all day and do the hundreds of what ifs, but when it boils down to it we cant change the fact that it happened, all we can do is learn from our mistakes and move forward.

I’ve know Max all my life and I cant think of a time where he hasn’t been there, I know I can say he wasn’t really there this last year when the truth of it is, he was, he was the one pushing me to talk, he was the one rescuing me from drunken parties, he was the one begging me to stop, he was the one taking me in at night when I was to drunk to go home.

I know I left him no choice but to go to my father, and deep down I can’t help but be grateful he did, because honestly I don’t know where I would be right now if he hadn’t, I hit rock bottom and the only place left for me to go was six feet under.

I take another deep breath and look back down at the letter, I try to ignore the butterflies dancing around in my stomach as I read the rest of her letter, and I what I find surprises me.

She tells me that Tess and Max told everyone else the truth and called it quits, he confessed to the group that he was in love with me and has been for while now. She also told me that he confessed to her privately about what happened on his birthday.

She said he didn’t tell anyone else and that she wasn’t going to either, they both thought that it was something that should be my decision if I wanted the rest to know, she also told me she whacked upside the head a couple of times too.

I can’t help but feel my heart pummel a little when she tells me that he’s been sticking to his self a lot lately and that when he’s with the rest of them he’s there but not really there, his mind always seems to be somewhere else.

She told me that he’s scared to write me, he doesn’t know how I would feel about it or even if I would want to hear from him, she told me that he’s giving me the time I need and that he can only hope that I can forgive him one day.

By the time I’m finished reading her letter I’m openly crying, my heart is hurting because I realize I miss them, I haven’t really thought a lot about them expect for when I was in therapy and we talked about them, the rest of time I forced myself not to think about them.

As I sit there thinking about them, my roommate Serena comes out and tells me that I my father is on the phone, I immediately jump up and take off running inside and grab the phone. ‘Hi daddy’ I say as I try to catch my breath ‘hey baby how are you doing’ he asks, I let myself slide to the floor as I rest my back against the wall and draw my knees up.

‘I’m doing really good’ I answer, ‘that’s good baby….that’s really good’ my smile falters and my hearts starts pounding as I hear the sadness in this voice ‘daddy what’s wrong…what happened’ I hear him take a ragged sigh and I can’t help but feel a sinking feeling in my stomach ‘Now I don’t want you worry’ he starts.

That’s like an immediate red flag going up and I force the bile back down in my throat, closing my eyes ‘just tell me daddy’ I cry, “Liz baby there was an accident, it was pretty bad… Maria and Michael are in the hospital’.

I choke back the tears as I ask ‘are they alright’ by now I’m visibly shaking and I have a hard time holding onto the phone, he doesn’t say anything and I don’t hide the sob that escapes me ‘daddy are they going to be okay’.

I can hear him sniff and deep down I know this is much worse than he’s telling me, deep down I know something I don’t want to admit just yet ‘daddy please’ I cry out, I have to know I have to hear him say it, then it comes out in a ragged whisper ‘we don’t know baby…we don’t know’.

I’m crying uncontrollably long after he’s hung up, long after he told me not to worry and that he will call when he hears something; I just sit here holding the receiver in my hand ignoring the annoying dial tone.

Serena walks in and immediately drops in front of my knees ‘Liz what’s wrong’ she says worried, I look up at her thru red eyes ‘I have to go home’ is all I say.

[Itzstacie]

just wanted to say Angelic love your banner, I drool everytime I watch Charmed and they show Chris, he is such a hottie.

as far as story just gonna post and run.

Part 13

I walk fast thru the corridors of the hospital, taking in the sickening smell that comes with this place as I wrap my jacket around me tighter, I didn’t even go home first, the minute I hit Roswell limits I bee lined straight for the hospital.

I stop just before I hit the waiting room and try to get my emotions under control; I’m scared, nervous, worried and happy all at the same time. I wonder how that is possible and I berate myself for feeling happy when two of my best friends are fighting for their lives.

I feel like someone is jumping up and down all over my insides and I’m scared as hell to walk thru that door, what will they say when they see me, will they happy or angry because I didn’t tell them goodbye, I just picked up and left.

I don’t know who’s going to be in there and I’m not even sure I know what to say, I mean what do you say to people you purposely tried to push away.

Before I can even get the thought in my head to just turn around and bolt I hear a soft whisper of my name and I turn to see a mass of blond curls and shimmering blue eyes. I swallow pass the lump in my throat and whisper out her name ‘Tess’.

I'm immediately crushed into a vortex of her grip as she squeezes me ‘I cant believe you’re here’ she says, I shakily reach around and hug her back realizing that once made self hatred towards her is gone, and I find I actually am happy to see her.

She pulls back and looks me in the eyes ‘everyone is going be so happy to see you’ she tells me, my eyes drift to the floor as I try to focus on what’s important here ‘how…how are they’ I ask.

She reaches over and squeezes my hand ‘we don’t know…the doctors aren’t really talking to us and her mother’ she trails off with this heartbroken expression and I can immediately guess what the status of Amy Deluca is.

She pushes a strand back ‘Michael is better than she is, she’s still in CCU, and they only let us in two at time, only for a few minutes’ she says. I bite hard on my bottom lip so the tears that are forming wont fall, ‘She’s only woken up a couple of times… the next time you can go in is in thirty minutes’ she says.

“What…what happened’ I ask as I wipe my eyes cursing silently as they betray me ‘my dad said they were in a accident’, ‘come on’ she says tugging my hand ‘lets go sit down and I’ll tell you everything’ she starts to lead me into the waiting room and my heart starts pounding as my knees buckle.

She must sense my hesitation and calmly wraps a supporting arm around my shoulders giving it a little squeeze before opening the door. I stop once inside and I notice Isabel is stretched out over several chairs resting her head on Alex’s thigh sleeping; he has his head angled at a weird position and sleeping also.

I scan the room and my breath hitches as I land on the dark haired figured sleeping in the far corner, I notice the days old stubble growing on his face along with the amount of weight I can see he’s lost, I watch his troubled expression underneath those amazingly beautiful eyes I know he has.

I look around the room taking in the empty containers lying all over and can tell that they have been here for a while; I watch as Tess walks over and gently nudges Alex, he stirs as she whispers something in his ear and his eyes immediately lock with mine.

I smile as he jumps up forgetting Isabel laying there and she smacks her head against the seat, as he walks over and wraps his arms around me “Lizzie I’m so glad you’re here’ he tells me squeezing me so tight I feel like he’s going to push my insides out.

I hug him back ‘me too…I just wish it was different circumstances’ I whisper, he gives me a knowingly squeeze ‘me too’ he whispers, he pulls back sharply as if realizing what he did turns a sheepish look over his shoulder to see Isabel rubbing her head and glaring at him.

‘Little warning next time would be nice’ she says getting up then breaking out into full fledge grin “Liz when did you get in’ she asks coming over and hugging me after she slaps Alex on his arm.

‘Just now’ I whisper and dart my eyes over her shoulder and I’m immediately sucked into a sea of swirling golden eyes staring solely at me. I watch as he nervously runs his hands thru his hair trying to straighten out his rumpled mess.

I can see his hands trembling before they disappear in the depths of his pockets trying to hide them, but his body gives him away and he walks towards me, he stands next to Alex almost afraid to come any closer as he softly tells me hello.

‘Hey’ I whisper back because it’s the only words I can seem to form right then, Alex drags Isabel back over to the seats leaving both of us to stand there awkwardly neither knowing what to say, after what seems like a life time ‘you look good’ he says.

I smile shyly as I tuck a strand behind my ear ‘thank you’ I say while dragging my bottom lip between my teeth, ‘how…how are you doing’ he nervously asks me as he shifts back from one foot to the other, ‘I’m better’ is all I say as I look up at him and my heart flutters at the smile that forms on his lips.


The silence comes back and I motion towards the chairs ‘um… I’ m just gonna’ I say as he shakes his head ‘of course come on’ he reaches a hand out but stops short as I glance down at it, he nervously shoves it back into his pocket and follows me taking a chair next to mine.

I sat there listening to them as they tell me what happened, how they were on their way to see Alex playing when a drunken driver slammed into the passenger side of the car resulting in more damage being caused to Maria since she was sitting there.

Max reaches over and squeezes my hand as if he can tell that at the moment I hate myself. I am reminded once more just how much drinking can screw up your life, I don’t release his hand but instead give it a gentle squeeze while trying to figure out if its his fingers trembling or mine.

I know we have a lot to talk about and I plan on doing it after things settle down and Michael and Maria are back home safely, I don’t want him to think I hate him so I let my hand stay in his while we wait for visiting hours to come again.

They all agreed when I asked them to go alone into her room, they had been there and I just wanted our first time to be alone. I try and ignore the breaking of my heart as I see her lying there, from a distance she looks like she’s just sleeping peacefully, only the wheezing sound of her respirator says differently.

I nervously wring my hands together over and over ignoring the pain my nails are causing my palms, closing my eyes to fight back the tears I let my breath out and slowly creep over to her bedside.

I let myself fall into the chair next to her because my knees have all together caved in and they remind me they no longer can support me. I feel like someone took a knife and twisted my heart up like a corkscrew and twist it tighter and tighter with each breath I take.

I force myself to whisper her name as I reach a shaky hand out to take hold of hers, I watch as her eyes move back and forth rapidly underneath her eyelids, she slowly opens them and a ghostly smile appears, in a painful whisper she says ‘you came’

I sniff as my bottom lip trembles violently as I battle against the tears falling down my cheeks ‘of course I came’ I tell her as I lift her hand and gently press a kiss to it, I watch as she takes a ragged breath ‘I knew you would’ she whispers.

She goes to say something else but I reach up and push back the bangs on her forehead ‘shh don’t talk, just rest’ I tell her, she closes her eyes and I finally let my eyes rake over her body, my heart shatters a little more with each bruise and cut I take in.

I bit hard on my lips and try to muffle the sob that escapes me as I listen to wheezing of her breath, I look back up and her eyes are looking at me, like she knows what’s going to happen.

Deep down I know it to and I choose to ignore it, I quickly grab the cup of water by her bed and help her to take a sip. I look everywhere but at her as my fingers play with the edge of her bed sheets, the sudden guilt slams into me I should have been here…I should have done something to stop this from happening.

She puts her hand over mine stilling my movements causing my eyes to seek hers out ‘don’t’ she whispers, I open my mouth to speak but she cuts me off ‘I know what your thinking’ she takes a painful breathe ‘nothing you could do’.

I nod my head even as my heart strongly disagrees with her, I wipe angrily at eyes my trying to make myself stop crying, its beginning to become to much to sit in here with her, its killing me to know I’m losing my best friend and there’s not a dam thing I can do to stop it.

The silence that surrounds us is eerie, I have so much I want to say to her but I don’t know where to begin, I want to tell her how I managed to stop drinking, how I managed to finally be happy with myself, to tell her how much she means to me, but I can’t get my voice to work.

‘I’m not scared’ she whispers likes she’s trying to reassure me ‘of what’ I sob out ‘of dying’ she says and another strangled sob escapes me, I deny it with vengeance ‘your going to be fine’ I tell her.

She squeezes my hand and I look up at her, she’s staring at me pleading with me to accept this and realize that in reality she’s not. She closes her eyes and I watch a silent tear roll down her cheek ‘promise me something’ she pleads, I squeeze her hand harder ‘anything’ I say as I watch her bottom lip start to quiver.

“Promise me you’ll look after Michael…he…he wont understand’ she finally manages to get out underneath a waterfall of tears, ‘I promise’ I tell her even thou I don’t understand it myself.

‘One more thing’ she tells me, by this time I am no longer trying to mask my sobs as they rake out of me, I don’t answer but just nod my head ‘don’t give up on life…I may not be here physically but ill be here in spirit’.

‘Maria what am I going to do without you’ I cry as I lay my head down next to her, she places her hand on top of my head ‘your going to go on and become something great and important like I knew you always would’.

‘I love you Maria’ I cry out as my shoulders shake violently along with my body as we just sit there clinging to each other.

[Itzstacie]

I have the next one already and its kinda of short, I know everyone is sad about Maria but there is reason behind it-hopefully you will understand by the end of this chapter. I have to say these last two were really hard to write some of it being from personal experience from when my best friend of seven years died when we were 22.

Dialouge will pick back up next chapter

Part 14

Has your body ever been so numb you don’t remember days slipping past you?

That’s how I’ve been running the last couple of days, I don’t remember eating but I can remember the way the doctors shoved me out of the way when her monitors flat lined.

I can’t remember sleeping but I can remember the wretched sobs that escaped me when they announced the time of death.

I can’t remember showering or even brushing my teeth but I can remember the pure tortured animalistic sounds coming from Michael’s room when they told him.

I feel a hand on my shoulder and I glance up in my mirror to see my father standing there with tears in his eyes ‘it’s time honey’... I don’t even remember getting dressed.

I think my father talked to me as we drove to the cemetery but don’t ask me what he said, my body is here on auto-pilot, but my mind is far from it. We all stand there with the same unmasked grief we feel, the same heart broken expression trying to figure out the meaning of this.

Its drizzling but none of us seem to notice the cold fast splashes we are receiving, I can almost see Maria standing there arguing with God because he let it rain on the day we buried her.

The priest stands there rambling on about her being in a better place, she being loved and happy, I’m angry she was loved here, she was happy here, there was no reason she had to be taken away…here she had Michael.

I let my eyes slowly drift towards him and I see him standing there with a blank expression on his face, no tears, and no trembling lips. I see Isabel lean over and whisper something in his ear but he doesn’t even acknowledge her.

Alex told me that the doctors had to sedate him after telling him about Maria; he told me that he literally trashed his hospital room, broken glass everywhere; he had taken the phone yanking it out of the wall and smashing it into the television.

I continue to scan the crowd and my eyes land on Amy Deluca and I want nothing more than to walk up to her and punch her in her face, she stands there crying but I also notice the way she is swaying. How dare she show up to her own daughter’s funeral drunk.

My eyes lock with Max’s and I can see his eyes are just as puffy and red as the rest of us, a clear sign that none of us has slept much. I know his eyes are silently telling me he is there if I want to talk, while at the same time I can tell he’s worried this is going to cause me to fall again.

He was the one who caught me as I slid to the floor into an unrecognizable mass of heart wrenching sobs when they were working on her. After they had us leave the room I remember him holding me up being my legs as he carried me out of the room.

He held his emotions in check being my strength until I was safely seated in a chair before slipping into his own painful mourning.

He was my voice when he took me home, making sure I was safely in bed before going to tell my father what happened. I let my eyes tell him that I’ll find a way thru this without turning back to the bottle.

I’ve come to far, sunk to low to let myself depend on alcohol, I’ve finally learned it does nothing but cause more problems. I’ll find another way to deal with the grief and heartache I am enduring right now.

I think back to Maria, she knew she was going to die and the only thing she wanted was to make sure that Michael and I would be okay, that I wouldn’t use her death as an excuse to start drinking again.

That alone gives me the strength to go on, I refuse to let myself fail her and know that is she is up there watching over us, counting on me not to let her down and to make sure Michael goes on living.

I let my father lead me back to the car after the service and stop turning to look at Michael once more, he hasn’t moved from his spot and for the first time I let myself really look at him.

He is no longer the once wild rebellion that I knew, the stonewalls and snide remarks are replaced with an emotionless stare, I see a man who is broken and has no sense of direction anymore.

I can see his eyes are haunted and he is a shell of what he once was, suddenly I’m hit with the force of understanding and even thou i don't like it I accept it, maybe this all happened for a reason, it was part of a bigger plan.

Just maybe I had to be the first to fall, so that when the time came I could be the one to catch the next one.

[Itzstacie]

okay guys here it is, I'm not exactly happy with it but this is what happens when you get woke up at 230 in the morning by thunderstorms pounding on your window and you cant go back to sleep. Thanks everyone for being patient with me.



Part 15

The need that consumes me shakes me to my core, the need to numb my feelings is overtaking me and I panic, picking up the phone I hastily call my sponsor. I need to distract myself before I give in.

My heart rate increases when she doesn’t answer and I look around my room for anything…something that can take my mind away from where it wants to go. Making a desperate decision I grab my shoes and bolt out of my window.

Ten minutes later I find myself standing outside his familiar window and suddenly I start second guessing myself about what I’m doing. I look down at my shaky hands and realize that nervousness is added on with the withdrawals.

It’s the first I will actually talk to Max alone since Maria’s death, besides the occasional phone calls of how you are doing, we haven’t really talked.

My stomach is a big ball of mush and before I can give in and change my mind the curtain is being drawn back to reveal a sleepy hair Max. His hair is sticking up all over and he’s wiping the sleep from his eyes “Liz; he whispers like he’s trying to decide if I am really here or not.

I quickly wrap my shaking hands around my waist and shake my head ‘can….can I come in’ I half beg, I can see the surprise on his face as he steps back from me and tells me to come inside, I climb thru and sit on the edge of his bed and he rummages to find a shirt to throw on.

I can’t help but stare and blush a little as I take in his site of boxers only, I quickly divert my eyes as he turns around pulling the shirt over his head. He walks over and pulls out a chair by his computer and takes a seat.

‘I have to say I wasn’t expecting this’ he says then I watch as his face turns from surprised to worry ‘is everything okay…nothing happened did it’ he asks.

In that instant I am reminded just why I love this man so much, he has always looked out of me, something I let slip into the back of my mind. When I really think about it I can see that he really does loves me, he might have never voiced it until it took something drastic in our lives to happen.

But when I look back he was always there looking after me, worrying about me, trying to save me. I let my stubbornness get in the way and let myself fall instead of realizing that I could have let him save me a long time ago.

He stares at me and I’m torn between launching myself at him and begging him to forgive me or high tail it right out the window. He must sense my hesitancy because before I can move he’s up and out of the chair sitting down next to me on the bed.

‘Liz what’s wrong’ he softly asks, I stare into his eyes finding myself sinking into the depth of his golden eyes and I shake my head before I can get totally lost, instead I stand up and start pacing wiping my sweaty palms onto my jeans ‘I’m…I’m sorry for just showing up here like this….I ….I tried to call my sponsor but she didn’t answer’.

His eyes widen dawning on him suddenly ‘no its okay; he reassures ‘I’m glad you came’ his face is etched with concern and I see him frown when he looks at me hands ‘God Liz your shaking’ he says getting up and reaching out to grab my hands ‘what can I do’ he pleads leading me back to sit down.

‘Just…just talk to me’ I say ‘okay’ he whispers ‘what…what were you thinking about that made you want to drink’ he asks, I glance down at my shoes as I feel my heart start to squeeze painfully in my chest ‘Maria’ I say then barely whisper ‘and you’ with a part of me hoping he didn’t hear me, he looks up at me and I can tell he’s scared as he asks ‘what…what about me’.

I draw my bottom lip between my teeth as I carefully think if this is the right time, as I weight my options I realize it is. It’s time to start mending, healing, with everything that has happened now is the time we all need each other more than anything.

I let my breath out as I turn towards him ‘Max I owe you an apology’ he starts to protest when I raise my hands ‘no please Max….just listen’ I wait until his nods his head momentarily getting lost starting into his eyes.

When he quirks an eyebrow up I slightly jump shaking myself out of the Max haze, and stand up putting some distance between us. After I compose myself I turn to him “I want to say I’m sorry for the way I treated you before I left.

As I resume my pacing from earlier ‘ Um…back then I made myself believe that nobody cared, that nobody could see that I was hurting, I blamed you all for being selfish’ I shoot a quick glance and see that he is following me with his eyes listening to every word.

‘Um…I…I should have told you how I felt when I first realized it and just took my chances instead of turning to alcohol…I ….I think I was trying to punish myself for having those feelings because I wasn’t suppose too…we weren’t suppose to cross that line and I knew somewhere along the way I was going to lose you and it scared me.

I feel the first set of tears fall as I continue on ‘so instead I pushed you and everyone else away, I wanted to hurt you before you could hurt me…I made myself believe that no one would care if I just disappeared, I told myself that no one would want to listen’.

I stop pacing and look directly into his eyes ‘but you were. I didn’t want to admit it and I denied it all I could, but the truth is you never gave up on me, you were listening to my silent pleas of help…If it wasn’t for you I honestly don’t know where I would be right now…so here it is I’m sorry Max…I’m sorry for the way things ended between us…I’m sorry for pushing you away when all you were trying to do was help me’.

He stands up and walks quickly over to me and places a finger on my lips quieting me, my eyes widen a bit as he takes my shaky hand squeezing it a little before leading me back over to sit down, he turns and looks at me ‘Liz you have nothing to be sorry about’ he glances down at our hands ‘if anyone should be sorry its me’.

He brings his intense gaze back up to me and I can see the sincerity in his eyes as he tells me “I am so sorry about what happened at the lake that day…I never in a million years meant to say those things to you. I was jut so angry at myself for taking something so precious from you that way.

Not just yours but mine too…it should have been something special and romantic definitely not on the back of a motorcycle, and it should have been when we were both ready and honest with our feelings.’

I draw my bottom lip into between my teeth as he reaches up and tucks a strand of hair behind my ear ‘when you told me how you felt I couldn’t believe it and instead of taking you in my arms and declaring I felt the same way I lashed out and I’ll never forgive myself for that’ he tells me.

“Max I don’t blame you for the things you said…yeah it hurt but we both said some things that we didn’t mean…we both played a part in what happened, its just something we are both going to have to live with its too late to change what happened’.

He nodes his head slowly as he turns to stare down at the ground, hooking a finger under his chin I bring his eyes back towards mine noticing the way his eyes glisten with the sure sign of tears ‘I also want to thank you’ I see his face etch with confusion and I let a small smile spread across my lips “I want to thank you for caring enough to go to my father when no one else would’.

His brows crease some like he having a hard time believing that I am actually thanking him “ I don’t hate you for going behind my back’ I say reading his mind ‘I am grateful that you cared enough about me to let him know I needed help’.

I don’t stop him when he leans forward closing his eyes and resting his forehead against mine ‘God Liz it was killing me to watch you like that’ ‘I know’ I say as we both are reduced to crying silently.

“I was so scared’ he whispers ‘ I was so scared and then that day at the cliffs, when you slipped’ he pulls back staring into my eyes ‘all I could think about was if I couldn’t save you I was going to… he softly cries.

I grab his hand ‘No Max don’t finish that, you would have gone on living like I would have wanted just like we are doing what Maria wanted’ he nods his head before inhaling a sharp breath
‘So…where do we go from here’ he asks in uncertainty, I start up at him as he continues ‘I mean….is everything okay between us’.

I reach up and push his bangs back on forehead before sliding down and cupping his cheek with my palm ‘I don’t know what’s going to happen in the future, I’m willing to try and first work on rebuilding our friendship and see where it goes from there.

Even thou I love you I’m not ready for a relationship so lets just take it one day at a time okay’ I say softly, he places his hand over mine gently squeezing it and smiles ‘okay’ he whispers as he pulls me towards him tucking my head underneath his chin, we stay like that for a few minutes until I pull back and stand up.

“For now would it be okay if I crash here for the night and you just hold me’ he stares at me for a moment before standing up ‘I can do that’ he smiles and takes my hand leading me towards the side of the bed.

[Itzstacie]

Hey guys sorry took so long RL is being a pain right now.. It's kind of short but break out the tissues I think you are going to need them.

Part 16

It’s been a couple of weeks since that nightly visit to Max’s and I can honestly say since then things have been a lot better and seem to be heading on the right track.

Were hanging out again, talking and most of all generally laughing again in each others presence. Even thou some of our talks have been deep and serious discussion about the past actions and resulted in tears shed; we managed to push past it and become friends again.

I know he wants more, I can see it in his eyes every time he looks at me, I know those eyes well enough to see the longing in them, the desire, I’ve drawn them a thousand times over and over.

I started sketching again and this time around my drawings have taken on a whole new meaning; I no longer have a problem putting a face to the girl that once a time longed for someone to notice her. The ironic thing is when I actually took the time to look at them I was too blind to see it before, but there was someone noticing me the whole time.

The knowledge that he wants to be with me gives me an incredible amount of strength and wraps me in warm blanket, knowing that he loves me as much as I loves him gives me this incredible feeling that’s so hard to explain.

I know we can easily jump into something more, but the truth is now that I know I can have it. I know I am not ready for it, I still have a long way to go and even thou I am in a comfortable place I’m not truly satisfied with myself and until I can be completely happy with who I am, I can’t go to that place.

Knowing that he is willing to wait is all the courage I need to continue on with therapy and to find out what is it to be me, because I know when I finally feel comfortable in my own skin I know that I will have this amazing life experience with the boy I love.

I’ve lived my whole life depending on other people to pull me up when I fell to deep, never learning to climb those steps myself. I’ve managed to start taking baby steps up that ladder but at the same time I know there is someone else who needs to be climbing along side me.

When my father came to me and told me that he was worried about Michael, I knew it was time to be that anchor. At first I mentally cursed myself for not doing something sooner; I should have known something was up after he kept calling in sick.

I don’t bother knocking as I make my way in, I know a spare key was kept under a rock that Maria used to use all the time, as I walk in I am immediately angry at myself for not getting to him sooner, I was to busy wrapped up in my own grief that I let Michael fall.

There is trash and laundry littering every spare place in his apartment, Michael was never one for being a clean person but right now his place makes the city dump look nice. Its dark and I can see the sun trying to break thru the darkness of the curtains.

‘Michael’ I say as I make my way towards the window to let some light into the place, he doesn’t answer but I can make out his form sitting on the sofa facing the wall in front of him, I pull open the curtains and a string of curse words come out his mouth as the light hits in the eyes ‘dammit Liz close them’ he yells.

I shake my head and turn around to face him, ‘Michael don’t this to yourself’, he gets up and stalks towards me closing the curtains back close ‘leave’ he orders, I sigh and turn to open the curtains back up ‘I’m not leaving’ I walk over towards the couch ‘Michael I’m worried about you, you haven’t been showing up to work’.

‘So what’ he says stalking off into the kitchen, I sit down and run my hands thru my hair ‘Michael please dont do this' I watch as he comes back in taking a long sip of Jack Daniels before putting the bottle down and starts looking for something.

I pick up the bottle of liquor sitting on the coffee table and sigh “Michael you know how Maria felt about drinking…you know she wouldn’t want you to do this to yourself’ by now the first sign of tears threaten to fall, he turns and stalks over toward me ripping the bottle out of my hands ‘didn’t stop you’ he says take a deliberate swig and making my guilt pile on more, my throat constricts tightly as I feel it closing up on me.

I lick my lips trying to get rid of the dryness that had encased my mouth ‘I know’ I croak out ‘and I’ll…I’ll never forget…but don’t you see Michael you don’t have to go down this road’ I plead with him.

‘Don’t tell me what I have to do’ he yells ‘you think because you went into your little rehab center that it gives you the right to dictate to everyone else…you don’t know shit so take your words of wisdom and shove them up your ass’ he hollers at me.

By not I am openly crying and I desperately pray that I can thru to him somehow, “Michael’ I whisper painfully ‘Just go’ he says turning away from me, I get up and take a hesitant step towards him “Michael’, he turns ‘GET OUT” he screams and throws the bottle missing my head by inches.

I hold my ground, I refuse to just walk away and with determination I take another step forward ‘no’ I state and behind those glaring eyes I can see the pain and desperation in them. I can see him slowly losing it and I prepare myself to be there for him. ‘Liz please….just go’ he begs and turns away from me again.

I take another step ‘Michael I understand’ I can see his shoulders start to tremble and I take another one till I’m right behind him ‘I know you think that if you numb the pain it will go away…that feeling anything but the hurt will be better…but it’s not’

I slowly put a hand on his shoulder ‘It doesn’t go away Michael, and when you’re sober it only intensifies the pain that you felt before’. “You don’t understand’ he whispers dejectedly ‘Then talk to me Michael…help me to understand’ I whisper.

‘I can't’ he whispers painfully squeezing his eyes shut, I feel his body trembling violently underneath my fingertips and my heart squeezes wanting to help him, “It’s okay to cry Michael’ I say squeezing my fingers around his shoulder.

He stiffens and then abruptly shrugs out of my grasp ‘don’t you get it, I don’t want to cry’ he yells out, his face is set with anger and hurt and his tones causes me to jump a little ‘you want to know’ he says narrowing his eyes at me.

‘Fine…I hate her’ he yells, his outburst leaves me stunned into immobility and all I can do is open and close my mouth in confusion, he turns his back on me as his words come pouring out ‘she left me…we had plans dammit…we were going to get married and she left me’ he yells.

He shakes his head as if he’s disgusted with his self for feeling these things ‘you don’t do that someone you love…you don’t make plans’ I can hear his voice faltering and I know he’s trying desperately to keep it together.

‘Oh Michael’ I whisper as my heart is breaking for him, I watch as he falls to his knees and I quickly make my way over to him dropping down beside him and wrapping my arms around him. His whole body is quivering at the same he struggles against me, but I hold on strong determined to be there for him.

‘How could…’ he chokes ‘how could she leave me’ he finally breaks down sobbing clutching tightly to me as a life line, my tears are falling mixing with his I swallow back ‘Michael I can’t even begin to understand why she was taken away from us….but I know she loved you Michael’ he lets out a loud sob and I clutch him tighter ‘she loved you more than anything’.

‘I can’t…I cant do this’ he cries out ‘ I don’t know…I don’t know how to’ he says, ‘It hurts...’ he looks up at me and my lips tremble violently ‘its hurts so much Liz…I don’t…I can’t…’ I take my hands and cup his cheeks bringing his tearful gaze to mine ‘you can and you will’ he shakes his head forcibly and I cup harder ‘she wants you too….your not alone Michael’ I whisper as I bring my arms back around his neck.

I look up and I’m surprised when I see Max, Isabel and Tess standing there in the doorway all with tears in their eyes, we don’t say anything but our eyes say all we need to say, we are going to be there for each other.

I close my eyes and rest my head against Michaels as I cradle him to me rocking back and forth, the rest silently began cleaning up.

[Itzstacie]

okay I'm back, I am really sorry it is taking so long with the updates. I am in the middle of trying to buy a house and its driving me insane. Thank you all for sticking with me and on that note I'm just gonna post and run because I have a feeling I'm gonna be dead after this chapter.

Chapter 17

It’s been a couple of weeks since Michael’s breakdown, and even thou he shows up to work and school you can see he’s still not really there. He’s just going thru the motions and my heart breaks every time I see the emptiness his eyes hold.

I’m actually nervous coming here because I’m afraid, I don’t know if I’ll make matters worse or actually achieve to give him some hope to carry on. I know I must feel like a nagging mother to him but I am determined to see him get better, I am determined to see him smile again only if it’s for a second.

When he opens the door and scowls at me I actually gulp because my stomach is jumping around so much I actually feel like I could get sick right now. “What are you doing here’ he states as he just leaves the door open and stalks back to the couch.

I look down at the book I’m holding and take a deep breath as I walk into his apartment, he just sits back down and stares at the TV, not moving his head he barks out ‘You don’t have to keep checking up on me…I’m not going to do anything stupid’.

I bit my lip as I sit down next to him ‘that’s not why I’m here’ I whisper out, he turns and stares at me ‘then why’ ‘I…I wanted you to have this’ I say as my shaking hands hand him the book, he raises his eyebrow as he takes it ‘what is it’ he asks, ‘just take it please’ I say as I push it in his hands.

I watch as he scoots back on the couch and slowly opens the book almost like he’s afraid it will jump and bite him, his expression turns to a dark frown and I see his bottom lip tremble slightly.

He shakes his head trying to get a control on his feelings as he whispers ‘why’, I can see him battling to keep his emotions in check, he’s trying not to cry. I know he’s probably tried of crying, I know I am.

“I wanted you to see’ I say softly, he looks up at me in confusion and I can see his eyes glistening with tears, he doesn’t say anything but continues to stare at me ‘how much she really did love you’ he closes his eyes and turns his head away from me.

I point to the sketches “Those days that I sat apart from the group I would watch’ he looks back at me then back down at the drawings turning to the next one ‘I would watch and draw…I would see how when you neither one of you thought no one was watching that's when it really showed…that was when you could really tell how much you loved each other…it showed in your eyes’ I say turning to another one and pointing.

He takes a shaky breath ‘why are you doing this to me’ he whispers painfully, I gently place my hand on his arm ‘I’m not doing this to hurt you Michael…I…I gave this to you so will know how much she really did love you’ I take a deep breath before pushing on ‘I hope that you will keep this and let it be a way for you to remember…a way for you to carry on’ I feel my eyes filling up and quickly wipe the with my hand ‘Maria would have wanted you to be happy’.

He closes the book but doesn’t remove it from his lap ‘thank you…but I don’t think that’s going to happen for a very long time’, ‘Oh Michael’ I whisper but he puts his hand up stopping me, he leans up and looks at me ‘I have something I should tell you’.


An hour later I knock on the door debating if I should have called first, when Michael told me he was leaving Roswell, I couldn’t comprehend what he was telling me, I got furious with him for giving up and wanting to leave, by the time I left I was angry with myself for getting so upset.

I argued with myself for being angry, I can see how he would want to leave… I mean there nothing left here for him…expect his friends... and just like that the anger turns to sadness. I knock again nibbling on my bottom lip praying he’s home. I know if I go back home now my brain will think about things I don’t want it to, I’ll be forced to face the fact that another friend is going to disappear.

Maria’s gone…Michael’s leaving, what’s next, I feel like a domino right now one by one the pieces are falling heading straight for me, but I am determined to stand even if in the end I’m the last one standing.

I’m surprised when Mrs. Evans opens the door and suddenly I feel guilty, I haven’t talked to her since the funeral and even then it was only a passing hug. “Liz honey is that you’ she asks surprised, I nod my head yes and I’m quickly engulfed in her arms ‘sweetheart it’s so good to see you…I’ve missed your face around here’.

I realize how much I have missed her too, she was always like a mother to me and I forgot that it must have hurt her too when I didn’t say goodbye, ‘Come in’ she says all to happy dragging me into the living room, ‘its so good to see you….things just haven’t been the same without you here’ she says sitting down next to me.

‘I’m sorry’ I squeak out, I know I must have disappointed and hurt her when I stopped coming around and I’m angry at myself because no matter how much me and Max were fighting or not speaking I should have at least made the effort to see her.

She takes my hands into hers squeezing lightly and smiles ‘nonsense…I’m just glad to see you home and better’ she says giving me a knowingly look, she pulls me into another hug and I feel so safe and loved, I can’t help but tear up.

She pulls back and wipes away my tears ‘none of that’ she says smiling ‘I only want to see your beautiful smile... please say you’ll stay for dinner’ she asks me, I start nibbling on my bottom lip nervously, I love this woman, but not that much, she pats my arm ‘don’t worry…I’m not cooking’ my eyes widen and blush a deep red embarrassed that she could read my thoughts.

She just plays it off like nothing ‘In fact I sent Max to pick up a pizza’ I find myself smiling more just remembering all the things I love about her and just how much she really means to me.

She had taken me under her wing and treated me like one of her own, she was the one that taught me how to put my hair in a ponytail, how to sew, she was the one who talked to me about becoming a woman…she even gave me the sex talk when my father was too embarrassed to do it. I wonder what she would do if she ever found out her son was the one who took my virginity.

I squeeze her hands smiling ‘I actually promised my dad that I would help him at the diner tonight…its going to be my first day back, so I cant tonight’ I tuck a strand back behind my ear ‘but I promise another night and it can even be a night you are cooking’ I say teasing.

She just laughs and pulls me into another hug repeating ‘it’s so good to have you home’. After about thirty minutes I make my way home, I walk thru the front doors of the Crash Down and notice how packed the place is; the waitress’s are running around while people are happily eating and chatting away.

I look over towards the register and see my father happily laughing with a customer, he pauses and catches my eye winking at me and giving me a big smile, I smile back jumping inside to see my father smiling and laughing again. I make my way towards him intent on giving him a big hug and kiss just because I feel like it.

My footsteps falter when I see the smile replaces with a painful frown, my heart starts racing as he looks at me “Lizzie’ he whispers clutching his chest and falling to the ground. “Daddy’ I scream as I take off running, everyone has stopped and the only sound you can hear is the pounding of my foot steps.

I fall to my knees as I reach him ‘daddy…daddyyy’ I scream hysterically as I shake him ‘somebody help me’ I scream frantically, why are all these people just standing there ‘please help me’ I sob out, this cant be happening, this just cant my mind keeps repeating.

“Someone call an ambulance’ I hear someone yell ‘miss’ I feel someone trying to pull me off but I hold tight clutching as I throw my body over his , in harsh loud sobs ‘please don’t leave me daddy…don’t’ leave me’ my body shakes uncontrollably as I continue to plea to him.

I can’t lose him, he’s all I have left and on the inside I am cursing God, my mother left me, Maria left me, Michael is leaving me, I can’t lose my father too, I feel like God is blaming me and punishing me for something.

As I hear the sirens in the background getting closer, I just continue to hold onto my father pleading with him to wake up.

[Itzstacie]

Chapter 18

I stare at the same familiar white walls in front of me as the doctors words replay over and over inside my head like a broken record heart attack…open heart surgery….well do the best we can… I feel like I’m being punished, like someone up there maybe God has personally picked me out to make my life a living hell.

I want to know if I’m being tested, if the goal is throw every horrible imaginable thing at me to see what I’ll do. I feel angry, cheated, picked on, dammit I’ve proved myself when Maria died, I’ve proved myself by trying to help Michael, so why do I keep getting thrown into the ring.

I’m so deep in thought that I don’t even realize that I’m being crushed into a pair of soft arms until she whispers my name, I look up to see Mrs. Evans there with Phillip standing behind her both wearing worrying expressions.

‘You go right ahead and cry honey…let it all out’ she tells me and it sickens me because I don’t feel like crying and I know I should, I may lose my father but I cant cry…I don’t have anything left in me to do so.

‘I’m going to see if there’s any news’ I hear Phillip say as he squeezes my shoulder once before leaving the two of us sitting there. Diane pulls back and cups my cheeks ‘I’m going to bring you back with us’ she says, I shake my head no, I am determined to sit there for weeks if I have to just to be sure he is okay.

‘Sweetheart I think you should…you need to eat and rest’ she says, I go to speak but find the words lodged in my throat, my mouth is so dry and I struggle to wet my mouth enough to speak, she immediately gets up and grabs a cup of water shoving it my hands, she tucks a strand behind my ear as I take a sip. Once I am okay I manage to get a shaky ‘no…he’s going to need me’ out.

She takes the cup out of my trembling fingers and sets is aside, bring her hands back to clasp mine ‘he’s going to be here for a while honey and even after he comes out of surgery, he’s going to be in recovery for probably most of the night…I think it would better if you came and tried to get a little rest and then I’ll bring you back’.

‘What if…what if something happens’ I choke out, she pulls me into a hug ‘he’s going to be fine and I know Jeff wouldn’t want you to stay here like this’ she says, I finally give in giving a shaky nod as Phillip comes back in ‘no word, he’s still in surgery’.

Diane nodes her head and stands up ‘I’m going to bring Liz back to the house to stay with us’ Phillip nods his head as he pulls me up and gives me a hug ‘I think that is the best…I’ll stay here until he’s out of surgery and I’ll call’ ‘thank you’ I whisper as my heart squeezes painfully in my chest.

A little while later we pull up the house, Max and Isabel come running out and I find myself immediately engulfed in a three way hug. As Isabel pulls back Max whispers in my ear ‘are you okay’ I stare up into his eye I find myself throwing out an helpless ‘no’ he immediately pulls his arms around me tighter tucking me under his chin.

I squeeze my eyes shut willing the tears to come and get over with but I find they refuse to fall, and inside I’m screaming stupid tears, stupid pain, we pull apart as he takes my hand and leads me inside.

I hear Diane telling them ‘Liz is going to stay with us until Jeff is able to come home’ I stop and turn towards her ‘I can’t’ I rush out ‘someone…someone has to run the café’ Max leads me towards the kitchen ‘someone else can do that…you don’t need to worry about that on top of everything else’ he says as pulls a chair out for me to sit down.

Diane comes in heading for the leftover pizza ‘I want you to try and eat something sweetheart, then Max can take you home to get some of your things together’ he nods his head in agreement. I stare at the slice of pizza in front of me like it’s a foreign object; my stomach is constantly turning like its daring me to eat that so it can toss it back up.

Max quickly sense my dilemma because he quickly picks it up and heads towards the pantry chunking the pizza in the trash on his way, ‘how about something lighter’ he says grabbing some crackers, he comes and sits down next to me ‘I would like to see you eat something more, but lets just start with these’ he says giving me a small smile.

A half hour later I make my way upstairs as Max heads to talk to the staff letting them know what is going on. My heart is beating heavily as I make my way towards my room, I stop and pause outside my dads bedroom, closing my eyes for a minute I take a deep breath and open the door walking in.

I find myself touching his things, just aimlessly letting my fingers touch this and that. I hold up some of his shirts bringing them to my nose breathing in his scent, I have always loved the way my daddy smelled, when I was little I would ask him all the time why he smelled so good, he would just smile and say it was because I was holding onto him.

I drop the shirts suddenly and bolt of his room finding it difficult to be in there all of a sudden, running into my room I start grabbing some clothes and stuffing them into a duffle bag. When I go to my dresser and pull out some things I freeze. Lying underneath the things is a small bottle of liquor that I forgot about.

I quickly look at my door making sure no one is there and then I turn back to stare at the bottle in front of me, before I can think I drop what I’m holding and pick up the bottle. I make my way out on my balcony and sit down with my back facing the window.

I grip the bottle as I close my eyes telling myself it would be so easy, I could just take a sip…just a sip to calm my nerves. I stare back down at the bottle as my trembling fingers play with cap, picking aimlessly at the plastic still wrapped around the cap.

I’m so lost in my thoughts that I don’t hear him come up behind me ‘Liz’ he says startling me, I quickly try to hid the bottle but its to late he’s already seen it and he faces forms a deep frown as he heads for me.

“Liz please tell me you didn’t’ he pleads as he sits down next to me, I bite down on my lip as I look up to see the disappointment hidden behind the concern in his eyes. ‘I…I didn’t’ I say as I show him the unopened bottle.

He quickly takes it from me and dumps the bottle out over the edge, coming back to me he sits back down putting his arms around me ‘you don’t need it Liz…you are stronger without it, you can get thru this without it’ I feel my lips trembling and I know I’m on the verge of crying and I get angry at myself, I’m so tired of feeling like this.

A logical part of my brain tells me this isn’t the answer but it doesn’t stop me as I start placing nibbling kisses on his neck, I feel him stiffen and his hand that was rubbing soothing circles on back stops ‘Liz what….what are you doing’ he whispers out.

‘Don’t want to hurt anymore’ I whisper as I continue to kiss him, I can feel his breathing growing ragged against my ear as I place my hand on this thigh causing him to jump some, “Liz we can’t do this’ he says breathlessly.

I slide my hand up higher as I argue with him ‘yes we can’ ignoring the fact that I know he’s right, his hand reaches down and grabs mine right before I can make contact and pulls me back some, I look up into his eyes and his stare right back ‘Liz your hurting right now, this…this wouldn’t be rig-‘ ‘I don’t care’ I say cutting him off and trying to lean towards him again, he stops and cups my cheeks ‘I would care’ he says.

Guilt and embarrassment hits me like a tidal wave and I am mortified at my actions, I try to pull away wanting to quickly run away by my behavior, he holds me tighter forcing me to look at him.
“Liz trust me I would love nothing more that to take you in that room and make love to you, but we both know that right now its not the right time’.

I close my eyes nodding my head slowly as I start to feel really stupid, he leans his forehead against mine ‘when it is we both will know and when it does happen it will be special the way its meant to be. We just got our friendship back Liz and I don’t want us to do anything that is going to make us regret anything.’

I feel my eyes glisten as I sob out “I’m sorry…I’m so sorry’ he pulls me back to him as I clutch as his shirt ‘shh’ he try’s to sooth but I can’t help it ‘I just …wanted to feel’ ‘ I know’ he whispers as he starts to rock me.

‘I’m tired…so tired of hurting’ I choke out, I feel him press a kiss to the top of my head ‘I know baby…I know’ he says and I feel his shirt getting soaked by the tears I thought I didn’t have, by the tears I didn’t think were left in me, he just holds tighter as he continues to rock ‘just let it out…let it out I got you’.

[Itzstacie]

Chapter 19

I roll over only to find my attempts halted by a strong arm holding me down or I should say holding me against a hard warm body, I turn my head and smile as I watch Max sleeping peacefully.

I find myself grinning madly as I think back to our conversation last night, after we returned to his home; Diane helped me settle into the guest room as she told me Phillip had called to say that he was on his way home.

The doctors said my dad came out of surgery fine and was expected to make full recovery, well as fully as a heart patient could. I know he would be put on medication and he would have to take it easy, I wanted to go back right then and there but Diane told me that he was still sleeping and that he probably would be the rest of the night. She promised she would take me first thing in the morning.

Somehow I managed to get my appetite back and after polishing off the rest of the pizza along with Isabel who kept me company after kicking Max out of the kitchen telling him that this was a girl’s only pig fest and he was banned from the kitchen. Of course he just stood there pouting and pleading with me to let him stay that is until Isabel threatened to cut off his manhood. I’ve never seen Max run so fast.

Later on I found myself thrown from the midst of a nightmare, I guess all the stress just caught up with me and my subconscious forced me to deal with, instead of doing just that I bolted upright to my heart pounding in my chest and body shaking uncontrollably.

After making my way to the bathroom on shaky knees I managed to wash my face while pleading with my body to calm down. I didn’t realize where my feet took me until I found myself standing in Max’s room at the edge of his bed.

I was surprised to find him awake and he laid there staring at me for a few minutes, before lifting the covers for me to climb in, he never said a word just pulled the covers back up and draped a arm over my waist pulling me closer to him.

My body seemed to calm down instantly and my heart rate returned to normal as we just laid there in silence. I had just started to close my eyes when I hear him whisper in an amused voice ‘you know when my mother finds out we are in a relationship, I don’t think she’ll let you sleep in here anymore’.

I turn my head and notice that I can see his eyes sparkling in the dark as the moon casts a faint glow thru the crack of his curtains, I raise my brow and can’t help but smile ‘is that what were are…in a relationship’.

He props up on his elbow resting his hand on his cheek as his others plays with the edge of my shirt ‘well yeah…that is…if you want to be…I mean if your ready’ he asks in uncertainty.

‘I’m ready’ I rush out and hold the giggle inside when I see the boyish grin he sports. I know with everything that has happened I should really think about this, but I’m tired of hurting, I’m tired of worrying, I am ready to be happy and I really believe that this thing with Max and I will work out, we both have made too many mistakes in the past for it not to.

I firmly think that we both have learned and grown, we both have matured enough to give this a try, to finally do what we both have wanted for so long, to be together, to love each other without having to hide it, or be in fear of what might happen.

I place my hand on his arm that is draped over my stomach and softly run my fingers up and down his arm ‘you know thou…you really haven’t officially asked me’ I say teasingly, I see him raise his brow as he looks down at me ‘I haven’t, have I’ he says.

He lays there for a minute then proceeds to sit up on his knees pulling me up with him as he turns me to face him, he cups my cheeks and softly runs the pad of this thumb up and down ‘Liz Parker…would you do me the honor and be my girlfriend’ he asks.

I laugh at his formality as I wrap my arms around his neck coming up on my knees ‘why Max Evans I thought you would never ask…I would love to be your girlfriend’ he smiles really big and pulls me into a hug wrapping his arms around my waist.

We stay like that for a few minutes before he pulls back looking in my eyes again ‘does that I mean I can kiss you now’ he whispers. “I would be disappointed if you didn’t’ I whisper as I lean closer to him.

At first the kiss is so soft and so light that I have to open my eyes to make sure it really happened, I look up and gasp softly as I watch his eyes turn darker and he presses his lips to mine harder this time, we tumbled back down on his bed as the kiss turns more passionate and I can’t help the small moan that escapes the back of my throat.

I cant tell this is affecting him just as much, his evidence starts to poke me in my stomach, he pulls back breathlessly and rests his forehead against mine ‘we should get some sleep…I want to be able to take you to the hospital as soon as visitor hours start’.

All I can do is nod my head and stare at him as I will my body to calm back down, he shifts to lay back beside me and throws an arm around me pulling me back until my back is spooning his front.

I am so lost in my thoughts that I’m startled when I look back up at him I find him staring at me, he smiles as my eyes widen ‘morning’ he whispers I smile back ‘morning’.

“I was afraid last night was a dream’ he tells me, I turn my body so that our fronts are facing each other as I smile ‘afraid not’ I say, ‘so your really here right now and you’re my girlfriend’ he asks.

I laugh ‘yes I’m your girlfriend’ then tease him ‘that is if you haven’t changed your mind’, he jumps up and I can’t help but advert my eyes to smooth golden ridges of his chest, my eyes look back up to meet his and I blush when I notice he caught me.

He leans over me and I find myself trapped underneath him as his straddles me placing his hands on either side of my head, he leans down and I’m caught up in the intensity of his eyes ‘I haven’t changed my mind’ he whispers.

‘You haven’t’ I whisper out as I find myself drowning into his golden sea, his face is only inches from mine, his nose touching mine ‘no’ he says right before planting his lips on mine. Just as we start to get into the kiss there is a knock on his door and we spring apart.

‘Max honey, I just wanted to make sure you were awake, I know you wanted to get to the hospital first thing’ Diane calls out from behind the door, Max looks at me then walks to the door opening it ‘thanks mom’ he says.

He turns back to me as she walks away ‘well then’ I say getting up and walking towards the door. I stop right in front of him ‘I should go get dressed’ I say, he leans forward ‘yeah’ as I start to lean closer I hear ‘Liz, Alex wanted to know if it was okay for us to come’ Max jumps back again banging his head on the door and I can’t help but laugh.

“Yeah Isabel its fine’ I say as I glance at Max once more and walk towards the guest room, I glance back once more and find Max staring at me gripping the doorknob tightly. I smile and walk into the room, closing it behind me I lean back against it and sigh, and suddenly I find myself doing something I havent done in a long time, I grin big.