Finished stories that feature the characters from the show, but there are no aliens. All fics completed on the main AU without Aliens board will eventually be moved here.
TITLE: PAINT ME A PICTURE
AUTHOR: Itzstacie
DISCLAIMER: I don’t own anything.
E-MAIL: sschall1@tulane.edu
RATING: ADULT
SUMMERY: Liz centered, there is no aliens, I really dont want to give to much away
THANK YOU LORASTAR FOR MAKING THE AWESOME BANNER
Prologue
“Liz take my hand’ he pleaded ‘please’
‘Just let me go’ she cried’ I don’t want to hurt anymore, just let me go’
‘NO” he cried out not caring that tears were streaming from his face ‘don’t you give up Elizabeth Anne Parker…you hear me don’t you give up…now take my hand’.
I Bet your wondering what led up to this point aren’t you, your wondering what happened that brought me to this point dangling from a cliff.
I guess I should go back to the beginning to where it all started, I can say it started a couple of months ago, but I suppose it was really a year ago.
It was the moment I realized I was in love with my best friend.
They say a picture is worth a thousand words, that one still that holds a thousand different emotions captured for the whole world to see.
If you were too look at my pictures, well sketches actually. I wonder if you could see the story behind them, would you be able to see that the girl that drew them was so lost that she didn’t care to exist anymore.
I started sketching around the time my life started falling apart, I don’t know why I guess it was an escape for me. I just picked up a pencil one day and never put it back down.
I got more into it around the time I started drifting away from my friends or maybe they started drifting away from me, I’m not really sure anymore.
My sketches have become my life, each stroke of the pencil, each shade; tint has become my way to express myself.
I have never shown anyone, I don’t want anyone to see the broken hollow shell I’ve become.
I’ve allowed myself to become numb, dead inside because the hurt is just much to bear, I’d rather let myself be this way then have to face everyday feeling the tightening in my chest.
Because if I allow myself to feel, I’ll get angry…I’ll cry and I don’t want them to see me cry. I’ve cried all I can and crying is a sign of weakness, I won’t let them see I’m weak.
I bet you’re wondering if I will take that hand that will bring me back to the world of chaos, I bet you’re wondering if I’ll just close my eyes and let myself fall.
You’re going to have to wait for that answer, you’re going to have to see the whole picture before we get to this point where I am dangling from a cliff and Max Evans is pleading with me to take his hand.
For now we are going back to the beginning.
Last edited by Itzstacie on Wed Jan 04, 2006 9:30 am, edited 55 times in total.
thanks for the feedback guys, i promise wont let you down. The updates will be better with this one, i pretty have much have the whole story in my head just need to write it down. It should start picking up with dialouge and things i am just trying to get things set in motion right now.
Chapter 1
Pictures, its amazing what people take pictures of, that one special moment that they want to capture for a life time, that one moment of glory or triumph in their life.
If you were to walk into my apartment that’s what you would see, special moments captured whether it was me riding a bike for the first time, or winning an award in elementary school, a nice clean family portrait.
The perfect display of the perfect little family living a normal life, you would never know that those pictures were just a façade.
Behind those pictures my life is not normal; my family is not a perfect one.
My mother left when I was two, no word, no explanation, just left leaving me and dad to pick up the pieces and move on.
I don’t know if its wise to say I hate my mother for leaving or that I wonder if things would have turned out differently if she didn’t because for the longest time it was just me and my father and I can actually say those times were the happiest in my life.
I didn’t need a mother, I didn’t need someone who had that natural bond that they say comes with a mother and daughter relationship…my father was both and it was enough. I was the center of his attention, it was until I started junior high and he met a woman.
Nancy Smith, my father met her when she first moved to town, she came in one day to the Crash Down, The Crash Down is a restaurant my father owns, mostly high school kids hang out there with the exception of a few families that like to dine there.
Anyways back to the point, she came in one day and it seemed like she never left. I slowly started being pushed to the back burner while she made her way up front and into my father’s heart. Six months later they were married.
At first she seemed really nice, taking on the nurturing mother role, always wanting to bond, to do things just the two of us, but then things slowly started to change.
The subtle hints started, the putting down you need to gain some weight your to skinny, are you making yourself throw up or you need to find better friends, the ones you have are no good and they will only bring you down, you need to be popular, you need to be with the in crowd.
She lets me know everyday about something she’s disappointed in; she doesn’t like any of my friends with the exception of Max.
He’s actually managed to win her over and stay on her good side, and she makes it a point to tell me just how good he is and how wrong I am.
My personal favorite you’ll see in a minute because she likes to use it every other day, she’s currently pacing my room shaking her head as she picks up a pair of jeans off the floor.
Me I am currently sitting here in my private hell waiting for her to get it over with so I can go to work.
‘I swear why cant you pick up after yourself, we are not pigs Elizabeth, is it to much to ask to keep your room clean, I bet Max keeps his clean, why can’t you be more like him, he’s no nice and polite, not rude and messy like you’.
‘I would but I seem to be lacking certain body parts’ I say under my breath, but not low enough that she cant hear me.
‘Don’t you get flip with me Elizabeth your not to old I can still take you in that bathroom and wash your mouth out with soap’.
I know I shouldn’t egg her on ,she’ll only go crying to my father and he’ll take her side as usual ‘Liz honey’ he’ll say ‘please try and be nicer I love her, we all have to put an effort in and make this work’.
‘Yes maam…sorry’ I say standing up ‘can I go now I have to be downstairs’.
She turns and glares at me ‘yes and this is the last time I’m telling you keep your room clean or I will throw everything out and clean it for you’.
I just give the absent nod and leave I can her mumbling as I walk away I swear I don’t know why your father wont list to my advice, a boarding school would be so much better.
As I walk into the café I immediately search for my solitude, my friends my piece of mind.
They have always had this way of magically making my life easier, lately thou it seems that they don’t seem to fill the void that I feel deep inside. I keep praying thou, I keep searching for them in hopes that one day the magic will appear again.
Four of them sit in the usual booth, the other two works with me in the café. At one time we were a close group, we aren’t popular but we aren’t social outcast either.
Max Evans my best friend…we met when we were five, we were at school one day when Peter Stevens yanked one of my ribbons out of my hair and took of running.
Out of nowhere Max appeared and took off running after him, he tackled him to the ground and got my ribbon back. After that we were instant friends.
Along with him came Isabel Evans his sister, she’s tall and beautiful, a total opposite of what I look like. Every guy wants her but only one has managed to work his way into her heart.
Alex Whitman, we met him in the fifth grade. Isabel had forgotten her lunch one day and Alex walked up out of the blue and handed her his, she was a goner after that.
With Alex came Maria Deluca, a bubbly spitfire who he had known since they were three. She brought a new outlook to our group with her spunky clothes and her out of the world theories.
Beginning of seventh grade she got the hots for Michael Guerin the kid from the wrong side of the tracks. It took her a while but she never gave up and finally she broke down his walls and snagged him bringing him into our group.
Around that time Tess Harding showed up, the new girl with her pretty blue eyes and her blonde curly hair, one look from Max and he was next.
I have to admit in the beginning I liked her, she was really nice and she seemed to know what I was going thru. Her father had up and married someone new and moved them all to Roswell, New Mexico where we live.
Everyone was getting together and pairing up and at first I was fine with it…I didn’t need anyone to tie me down, to have to worry about another person, and no one has made me feel any different, they didn’t treat me any different because I didn’t have someone. They still included me in things.
Lately thou I have been having these strong emotional feelings that I cant seem to fight.
It’s almost chemical, undeniable and no matter how hard I try to push it away, the stronger it gets and comes back on me.
And the thing that scares me the most, its not that I am having these feelings. I mean I am sixteen it’s only natural that I starting looking to be with someone.
It’s the fact that they are directed at the one person I never thought it would be, the one person I never dreamed of having these feelings for…my best friend and nothing good can come from that.
Alex Balex -Mmm she's more than that, just havent really shown her true colors yet
WarGirl, Crashdown2006,roswellluver Thank you so much for leaving feedback it means alot.
NorafanofMaxandLiz you know me girl, i wouldnt have it any other way with Max and Liz, but you might want to slap Max later on instead of Nancy. Its going to get really rough but you know i'll turn it around.
cherie - you know me to well lol, i think im getting up there with the other queens of angst.
Hybrid-Angel i dont know if you have read any of my other stories, im a cliffhanger queen. I am looking forward to an update to Forever Changed too.
Julia_Behr dont worry it is dreamer insured and i wont torture you to much with the Max and Tess stuff.
QueenTrueLove thank you so much for your feedback.
Lorastar i try really hard not to be lol, but i cant help i like to leave peoples minds guessing <eg> thank you so much for the feedback and again for making my banner.
Max4Liz4ever thank you so much, Welcome to my World i really did try and thinks of things, but i just cant seem to write a nice fluffy fic all of them take on the dark route. Hopefully some ideas might come to me while writing this one.
Ash_maxliz thank you so much.
ok guys as promised, hope you like, and just to let you know i dont think this one is going to a very long one like my others, i let you know as i go
Part 2
Wednesday (eight months before the cliff)
I feel someone nudging me out of my slumber, my thoughts are jumbled as vaguely I hear ‘hurry up and copy I already did the lab’.
‘Huh’ I say blinking rapidly trying to focus, when my head finally clears I see that I am in Biology class and I don’t even remember falling asleep again, it seems for the last couple of days I have been doing that.
I see a paper shoved in front of me ‘we only have ten minutes left, you fell asleep again, I did the lab’ Max says pointing to the clock.
I look at him and I can see the concern set on his face, I know he’s worried about me ‘oh…sorry’ I say as I copy the notes to my paper ‘it’s okay’ he says low, I can see him out of the corner of my eye watching me.
He’s waiting to ask me about it, he wants to know if anything has happened, the bell rings signaling the end of class, I slide his paper back and get up ‘thanks Max’ I say as I take off dropping my paper on the teacher’s desk and running out before he can say anything.
I hurry and walk fast down the halls, I can hear him calling my name but I keep walking, I don’t want to face him right now, I don’t want to talk about it.
I feel someone grab my elbow, I know its him ‘hey wait up’ he says, I turn around and sigh as I keep my gaze on the floor ‘what’s up’ comes tumbling out of my mouth.
‘You fell asleep again’ he says concerned, I nod my head ‘I’m really sorry you got stuck doing the work again’ I say.
I take the chance and glance up at him, the instant I do I find myself lost, he’s standing there piercing me with his golden eyes likes he’s trying to see deep inside my soul, that he’ll see all the answers to his question hidden deep within me.
‘Its okay’ he pauses for a minute then shakes his head ‘no…no its not okay it’s the third time this week, what’s going on Liz’ he asks ‘did something happen at home’.
I continue to stare at him while my heart and head decide to battle it out, I want to tell him that I am confused that I have these feelings starting for him and I don’t know what to do about it, I want to tell him that I am trying not to have them that I lay awake night after night fighting with myself because its wrong.
‘No nothing more than usual’ I lie, ‘then why are you falling asleep in class all of a sudden’ he starts.
‘I…’ I cant finish because I can feel the start of tears forming on my eyelids, I try to look away before he can see them but its to late I see his mouth draw down into a frown and I feel his arms wrap around me ‘hey shh’ he soothes ‘it’ll be okay’.
I allow myself to feel the warmth of his body, I allow myself to pretend for a fraction of a second that everything is okay all the while my heart is screaming that its not okay, it will never be okay until I can rid myself of these torturing feelings.
‘Hey Max…Liz’ I hear Tess say coming up beside us, Max pulls back and releases me to greet his girlfriend ‘hey’ he says as he leans over and kisses her cheek.
Tess glances back and forth between the two of and stops on me ‘step mom again’ she asks I just nod. In that instant I hate myself because I know she is asking out of genuine concern.
My mind races with thoughts, why does she have to be so nice, her voice is soft and worried as she asks, its sweet and sick all at the same time because I know she cares and I wish she didn’t it would make hating her so much easier.
I feel the bile rise up as I watch them exchange a soft kiss on the lips, I can hear my heart pounding heavily in my chest as the walls close around me, I have to get out of here away from them.
‘Uh... I have to go, I just remembered I have do something real fast’ I lie as I turn around to run ‘I’ll see you outside’ I say as I start to walk off.
‘Liz’ I hear his soft voice calling me, I stop and close my eyes trying to ignore the sweet melody of his voice, I don’t turn back around, I cant if I do the tears will come again and I don’t want him to see my cry, I don’t want him to know that I am stupid and selfish because I want him to see me as something other than just his best friend.
‘We’re not done’ he says softly, ‘I have to go’ I say I again and this time I keep going ignoring his call to come back.
I turn the corner and break out into full fledge run, I don’t stop until I am hidden securely in the bathroom stall, I draw my knees up and wrap my arms around them letting my head fall I start to sob.
I sob because my heart is breaking, I sob because my grades are falling because I cant concentrate anymore, I sob because I realize I actually do miss my mother, I sob because I hate that my friends cant bring me solace anymore, but most of all I sob because I know I am destroying the best thing that ever happened to me, I am slowly destroying my friendship with my best friend and he doesn’t even know.
I finally cry myself dry as I put my shaking knees down and draw my body up, I carefully peek out of the stall to make sure no one is there, I stare at my reflection for the longest time, my eyes are red and puffy, my face is pale and my cheeks are starting to sink in from not eating.
I stare and try to find the girl I used to be, the girl that was happy, the girl who knew who she was, this person staring back at me I don’t know who she is, I stare trying to find some small piece that shows she’s still there, but all I see is a lost soul.
I make my way outside and I can see them all sitting there, I stand in the shadows and watch them sitting there laughing, joking around.
I let my gaze settle on Max, I study how he laughs at something Alex says, I memorize the way the golden specks of his eyes dance as he smiles. I start to walk towards them but falter my steps when I notice their conversation turn serious.
I notice how each of their smiling faces fade one by one, I make my feet move again towards them, I notice how Isabel spots me and their conversation stops, I know they were talking about me and suddenly I stop walking.
My feet automatically turns around and I can hear Maria ‘Liz where are you going’ she calls out after me ‘ I forgot something…be right back’ I lie for the third time that day.
I don’t come back.
I walk aimlessly around the halls just taking everything in; I stop and linger at the trophy case staring at the shelves lined with first place trophies. My feet push forward walking while my eye roam over the poster filled walls.
As I pass an open classroom my steps falter and I glance in, the room is filled with easels standing nicely in a circle. I notice the room is empty and I step inside walking around I let my fingertips slide over the brushes laying there, the paper sitting clean and ready to be used.
I don’t know why but I pick up a pad and I walk back out the classroom, I walk outside passed the students sitting there joking around, the students eating their lunch, I keep walking until I am hidden under the bleachers, I sit down leaning my back against the mats stacked there and place the pad on my knees.
I pick up the pencil and I stare at the pad in front of me, at first I think this is crazy I cant draw whatever posed me to do this. I start to let my mind drift back to when things were simpler, when my life was simpler.
I fail to notice my hand is moving, I fail to notice that the sketch is starting to take form with each stroke of the pencil, I think about my father, I think about my life before Nancy came into it, I think about my friends how they each had their paths set for them, they knew what they wanted to do.
I remember when I used to, I remember when I thought about nothing but becoming a scientist and getting out of Roswell, when I look down at the sketch I am amazed to find I am finished with it.
As I study it I wonder if anyone saw it would they know that the faceless girl staring back at herself in the mirror with the caption “Who Am I’ was really me.
ok guys here is the next chapter, i am not totally happy with it but i had to get something out before the blows really start coming, i know i'm evil when i say that but i'm just forewarning you way ahead of time. i know nice of me huh lol.
PART 3
‘You…me sleepover my house tonight, I’ll bring the junk food’ I turn my head not really caring that the sugar just overfilled spilling onto the counter ‘Maria, No I can’t’.
Its not that I don’t want to, I just know that I’ll be hit with twenty questions, and I really just don’t have the strength anymore ‘besides it’s a school night’ I tell her.
‘So…never stopped us before, besides we haven’t had a girls night in a long time’ she pleads “Maria I really don’t feel up to it, but you, Isabel and Tess have fun’ I say.
‘Its just going to me and you’ she says frowning; she puts out her bottom lip pouting a little. I turn back to the sugar ignoring her looks ‘I have to study’ I lie ‘and I don’t think my dad will go for it’.
I watch her eyes scan the Crash Down, I immediately close my eyes when I see her break into a smile ‘be right back’ she hollers making a beeline for my father. I open and watch out of the corner as she puts on her best Maria act and my dad shakes his head yes.
‘Great’ I mumble as she makes her way back to me with this shit eating grin on her face ‘it’s settled your dad said it was okay’ she turns and walks away ‘he so loves me’ she says and I cant help but smile.
Three hours laying we are both laying on her bed hanging our heads off the side staring at the wall in front of us, I turn to look at her and open my mouth to say something but the words are lodged in my throat, I turn back towards the window.
Out of the corner of my eye I see her do the same thing, great so much for a girls night we are both reduced to communicating to a white wall.
‘Maria…how do you know Michael is the one’ I blurt out, I know I shouldn’t go down this road with her, I shouldn’t attempt to start this conversation but my mouth over road my head and before I could take it back was out.
A part of me is jumping now that I have said it, maybe I can begin to understand what is happening inside of me, and maybe I can try and see if Max is really the one for me, if he is really worth the trouble of this heartache.
She turns her head and I can feel her studying me with her green eyes, she’s searching my face to see if she can detect anything.
She turns and looks back to the wall ‘I don’t know…I just do’ she says.
She’s quiet for a minute before continuing ‘I know that he seems like this real tough guy on the outside and most of the time he is…but then there are just little moments when he does something totally out of the ordinary…or when we are alone I get to see this whole other side of him that he hides from other people’ she says.
I have noticed what she is talking about, the little moments. Ever since I started sketching my eyes are more open to what is around me.
I have this one sketch of Michael and Maria, she doesn’t know it, but one day I sat there watching them, she had her head turned and Michael was looking at her, really looking at her, I could see how much he loved her.
I remember after I finished sketching the two of them, I just stared at it for the longest time wondering if I would ever have someone look at me that way.
‘Why do you ask’ she finally says bringing me back to my reality, I didn’t expect her to ask that I thought she would just answer me ‘oh.uh I was just wondering’ I say shrugging my shoulders. She sits up on the bed and turns towards me.
‘Ohm god’ she says ‘your in love aren’t you…who he is…do I know him’ she claps her hands ‘oh my god this is so great’ she yells.
I immediately sit up putting my hands on her ‘no Maria I’m not’ I lie, my mind realizes suddenly that is all I seem to do lately and I suddenly feel guilty, but I can’t tell her about Max.
I know her and her mouth would only bring more disaster than anything, she stares at me for a minute and I hold my breath hoping she wont see thru my façade.
‘Okay I believe you’ she says, I let out my breath my body instantly stiffens when she says ‘I want to know what’s wrong’.
My eyes automatically begin to look at anything but her, my heart is starting to pound loudly and my hearing seems to be disappearing as I try and focus on my breathing.
‘We all know something is going on Liz, don’t think we haven’t noticed how you are drifting…you don’t sit with us at lunch…. your failing classes’.
I close my eyes as fear and panic quickly over take me, how do you tell someone that you feel like your life is spiraling out of control, that you’re on a one-way collision course. My heart screams at me to talk to someone, anyone but my head overrules it telling me you cant.
‘Everyone is so worried about you, especially Max’.
My eyes snap open just hearing his name my chest tightens its hold on my heart a little more, I’m starting to feel like I cant breath.
‘You used to talk to us Liz…now your so closed off its like I don’t even know you anymore’ she says, I can her the desperate plea of her voice as she trails off and wipes her face.
I feel the bile rise up as I stare at her wanting so badly to open up to her, she keeps her eyes downcast at her bed I know she’s waiting for me to say something, anything that will give her the indication that I’m still me. The same girl that helped her tie Alex to tree one time and steal his clothes, the same girl that stayed holding her when her mother started drinking.
‘I’m sorry’ Maria’ I burst out, I feel the tears swelling up, I know have to try and hold onto my friends, they are all I have left, I have to force myself to get this out.
‘Talk to me’ she whispers ‘please’ her voice calls to me to let her help, I suddenly remember what I love so much about her, its in her nature to care, to help people.
I know I cant tell her about my feelings towards Max, but maybe I can tell her the rest, I scoot back on the bed bringing my knees close to my chest ‘I know I have been acting differently’ I start.
I see her waiting patiently for me to get this out, that’s another thing I love about her, her willingness to just listen and not give her opinion until the end.
Suddenly I feel anxious I have to move around, I get up and start pacing back and forth trying to think of the best way to say this, sighing I turn to her ‘its’ just…its just things at home you know’.
She nods her head and keeps quiet wanting me to go on ‘I mean nothing else has happened anymore than usual…I’m just…lately I just been thinking a lot about my mother…my real mother’.
I can see her frowning a little, I know she know what I’m talking about her father left when she was two.
I run a shaking hand thru my hair as I continue ‘at night I dream about her’ it’s not a total lie the nights my dreams are not tormented with Max they are of her ‘and…. and I don’t want to so don’t sleep’ I tell her.
Her eyes widen a bit but she just keeps quiet ‘I didn’t want to tell you guys…I mean all of our lives since you have known me you had to deal with Liz’s problems, Liz’s outbursts, its not fair to you guys’ I say as I wipe my eyes with the back of my hand.
She gets up and comes towards me grabbing my hand she guides me back to the bed and forces me to lay down with my head in her lap.
‘That’s what friends do Liz, that’s what we are for to help each other, good or bad’ she says as plays with a strand of my hair.
‘I know…I just didn’t want you guys to worry about me, you shouldn’t have to’ she cuts me off ‘don’t…don’t even, did you honestly think we wouldn’t care if you suddenly withdrew from us, did you think it wouldn’t hurt us’.
I cringe at her last statement, deep down I knew it would but a part of me also told myself that they still had each other to cling to, that they didn’t need me to weigh them down.
‘I’m so sorry Maria’ I sob out, I tried to hold back as long as I could but the mixture of guilt and regret overwhelm me until I am forced to release this tidal wave.
She quickly pushes me up and hugs me ‘it’s okay Liz I understand’ she says, she pushes me back and looks at me in the eyes ‘just promise me you wont do it again, promise me you wont keep this bottled up anymore’.
I slowly nod my head yes feeling the knife twist just a little more knowing that for the first time in my life that I cant keep this promise
Thank you guys for all your feedback, all i can say is hold onto your seats because its going to get a lot worse before it gets better.
Part 4
Studying my sketches I notice that when I draw someone else they always have a face. They show the eyes, the nose, the mouth, the perfect capture of each person, but when I draw myself there is no face.
I cant seem to put a face on myself, maybe it’s the fear that if I do I will realize just how much my life has changed, because maybe if I put a face I will have to finally face up to what I am running from, I will have a name to what I am trying desperately to get away from, myself.
Hiding from the world is so much easier to do, forcing a smile is easier than having to talk and actually voice your fears.
These last two months since I told Maria or should say lied to her, have been slowly tearing me piece by piece, oh things were okay I guess, they played the supportive friend role offering me their shoulders, their ears but not one could offer me an answer.
I feel myself slipping away more and more and even more so since I started drinking, slowly piece by piece the girl Liz Parker was, is disappearing with each sip.
I remember the first time I tried it, I remember how it burned going down, the warm liquid flowing thru my veins, my blood numbing everything it touched on its way down, and I welcomed it. I craved the warmth it brought my cold heart.
A part of me blames my friends for making me turn to alcohol, I know it’s not right to do that, I know that you can’t hold someone else accountable for your actions.
But I feel like if they wouldn’t have hurt me, if they wouldn’t have left me alone that weekend, I would have never went to that party, I would have never been attempted to drink. One sip and I was hooked and now it’s what I need, it’s what I crave for because it’s the only thing that brings me a piece of mind.
For the first time in my life my friends made me feel like an outsider, for the first time I was left out. I remember how those words stung when Maria told me they were going on a couple’s only weekend, her and Michael, Isabel and Alex, Max and Tess.
I bit the bottom of my lip so hard that I tasted blood, I bit because I refused to cry in front of them, I refused to let them see just how much they hurt me with those simple little words, instead I played it off telling them I was fine with it, for them to have a good time.
That weekend while they were off having the time of their lives, I was at home learning that my life just got thrown deeper into hell.
I was in my room my father was out of town, I can’t remember how it started because I have forced myself to forget, the only thing that is still planted in my mind is the cold hard stinging I felt across my face that night. Nancy hit me and I was so stunned I couldn’t do anything but run.
I ran until my legs gave out, until my lungs burned in my chest, I could hear the loud bass from the music pounding in my ears as I stayed on my hands and knees trying to catch my breath.
When I finally managed to pull myself up I noticed the party going on, the music was suddenly calling me, inviting me into the depths of the unknown.
I recognized it was people from school, I could hear the whispers as I walked deeper into the house, people not believing Liz Parker would come here, she was to good to do something like this, she never broke rules they would say.
Well I showed them, I drank and partied with the best of them and by the time Monday came around I was the hottest topic at school.
I remember the expression of disbelief and disappointment on Max’s face as we stood by the lockers as people walked by ‘great party huh Liz’...‘make sure you come to the next one’
‘You actually went to one of their parties’ he asked, I could hear the hint of annoyance in his voice, I shrugged my shoulders and turned my direction to my locker getting books out so he wouldn’t have to see my face ‘had nothing better to do’ I said.
I hid because I didn’t want him to see I was blaming him, I was blaming all of them for abandoning me ‘did you drink’ he asked with his voice hard, ‘yes so what if I did its not going to kill me’ I say slamming my locker shut ‘and if you must know I will be going to the next party, and I will drinking at that one too’.
The minute I did I regretted what I said, I felt like mud that didn’t even deserve to be scraped off the bottom of a shoe, Maria was standing there and I could see the hurt in her eyes.
Maria’s mother is an alcoholic and there have been numerous times that I have watched her deal with her mother’s drunken state, many times coming home to find her mother passed out.
I will never forget the look on her face as she just turned and walked the other way, I stood frozen watching Max as he stared at me for a minute with disgust then turned from me and ran after Maria.
That was two weeks ago, we haven’t’ spoken since.
When my feet moved me that day, they moved me right out of the school doors and didn’t stop until I was away from everyone and everything; these rocks have become my home. I sit on the peak high up at the top staring out over the desert.
Instead of forcing myself to deal with the issue of knowing better and apologizing to Maria, I drank again because it was easier to escape than to stand guilty in front of my peers.
The short talks in the hallway were replaced with longing; pity glances as they passed me in the halls, the lunch hour of joking replaced with the bleachers hidden out of sight.
On a couple of occasions Max did try and talk to me outside of school, but I just blew him off. I no longer wanted to hear my faults, I knew what they were and I didn’t need anyone else to tell me.
My life became a routine school…drinking…work…then I would drink myself into oblivion locked away in my closet, or high above the world sitting on that peak.
The absence of my friends have finally caught up with me, I realize how much I do miss them as I look around this party I realize how isolated I have become.
That’s why right now I am currently standing here swaying back and forth in front of his window, I want my friends back, I want to be normal again.
I close my eyes trying to hold up my balance and force the dizziness I feel behind my eyes as I wait for him to come.
He pulls back the curtain and I can’t help but stare and notice how beautiful he really is, the way his hair is all tousled, how the moonlight dances across his well toned chest.
‘Liz’ he calls to me confused ‘what are you doing here’ I watch as he leans back and looks back at me ‘at two in the morning’
‘Hi Maxx’ I say slurring his name ‘I need…I need to talk to you’ I say.
His brows crease and I can see him thinking about it, if he really wants to take that chance ‘are you drunk’ he asks studying me. I pinch my index finger and thumb close ‘just a little’ I tell him.
I see him frown as he steps back ‘come in before someone sees you’ he says moving out of the way. I put my hands on the ledge and climb in losing my balance I wind up falling on my butt breaking out into a giggling fit.
He quickly bends down ‘shh before someone hears you’ he says ‘come on’ he places an arm under my arms and helps me up. I stumble a little and he holds onto me, I am so close I can smell his intoxicating scent and I feel myself getting drunker on it.
“Liz what are you doing here’ he asks as he helps me sit down on the edge of the bed ‘I have to tell you something’ I whisper, I bring my finger to my mouth ‘it’s a secret thou’ I giggle out.
He kneels down in front of me ‘what’ he asks, his eyes piercing me and I see myself getting lost into a sea of golden, he puts a hand up and pushes my hair back ‘I’m worried about you’ he tells me.
‘Max’ I start but he doesn’t let me finish ‘what happened to you, you pulled away from everyone and now your drinking all the time, I miss you’ he finally says the last part coming out that I barely hear him.
I put my hand on his mouth silencing him he just stares at me. He finally pulls my hand away and places it in my lap ‘do you think I’m pretty’ I blurt out asking.
I can tell he’s thrown off by my question as I watch his the expression on his face turn from worry to confusion he shakes his head ‘yes you know you are beautiful’ he tells me ‘I’m not’ I say denying what he said.
‘Why do you say that’ he asks, I start waving my hands ‘look at me Max, I’m plain, with my plain brown eyes, my plain brown hair, my plain clothes’ I lean in closer so close that I can feel his breath on my lips ‘I don’t even have boobs Max’.
He pulls back shocked at my outburst and I see his ears turning three shade of red ‘Liz’ he starts ‘ I mean look at me Max I am flat as a board’ I say, he turns his head mumbling ‘your not flat’ as he scratches his head.
He turns back towards me ‘what is this really about Liz’ he asks concerned ‘I’m in love’ I shout really fast. His eyes widen with surprise ‘with who’ he asks, I stare at him my head screaming you, but I cant tell him all my willpower has left , I can no longer look him in his eyes ‘it doesn’t matter who, he doesn’t see me…he’ll never see me’ I say.
He pushes a strand of hair back on my head and I feel myself slowly bringing my eyes back up to his ‘have you told him’ he asks.
I shake my head no ‘I can’t…its wont change anything anyways’ I can feel the tears bubbling up inside of me, suddenly I can feel my buzz slowly disappearing and I want to get out of there.
‘How do you know’ he says ‘I just do’ I start to get up but he pushes me back down, I suddenly feel like I’m suffocating and I look for an escape route out of there ‘then he’s not worth it, I know and any guy would be lucky to have you love them, must be stupid if he doesn’t realize it’ he says.
‘’He’s not stupid, he’s perfect, he’s handsome, smart…caring….he’s perfect’ I say again as I feel a tear escaped down my cheek. I feel him reach up and wipe his thumb across my cheek, I can’t help the drunken hiccup that escapes my mouth, the river suddenly starts and I’m helpless to stop it.
“Come on…lay down you can sleep it off here’ he says as he pulls my shoes off , he pushes me back till I’m laying down and pulls the covers up over me.
I can feel myself getting sleepy between the alcohol and my crying the fatigue is finally taking over, He kneels down and brushes my hair back on my forehead ‘don’t get upset about it, one day you’ll find someone who will notice all the great qualities about you and who will love you like you deserve to be’.
‘I already have’ I whisper out staring at him ‘I love him so much it hurts, but I can never tell him’ I hear him ask why as my eyelids close and I feel myself sinking into sleep.
I can’t see his expression of if he even heard me as my last mumbling thoughts seep out past my lips ‘he’s my best friend’ as sleep finally wins.
Last edited by Itzstacie on Fri Jul 06, 2007 8:58 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Sorry guys this took longer than i thought it would.. thank you for being patient.
Part 5
The morning sunlight shines thru the window blinding causing me to squeeze my eyes shut harder, my head is throbbing, my body is stiff, and I clearly understand the meaning behind feeling like a Mac truck ran over me.
I hear a rustling sound close by and my eyes pop open against the protest of my pounding head, I realize suddenly that this bed is to soft to be mine, and the walls are not the color of mine.
Scanning the room slowly I notice the bookshelf lined with books and immediately I know I am in Max’s room, how the hell I got here is beyond me, the last thing I remember is showing up at Stephen’s party.
I sit up slowly bringing my hand to my pulsating head hoping to ease some of the tension there ‘headache’ I hear his voce say, I look over and see Max standing there rolling up his sleeping bag.
I nod my head ‘how… how did I get here’ I ask, my brain it total mush right now and it hurts to much to try and figure it out, he looks at me for a moment then shakes his head disappointed ‘you don’t remember’ ‘if I did I wouldn’t have asked’ I bit out.
He looks shocked for a moment at my tone, he turns and sighs ‘you showed up here last night’ he turns and looks at me ‘or I should say you showed up at two this morning drunk off your ass’ he says making it a point to let me know he is not happy.
‘Oh’ is all I can say, I push the cover aside and slowly bring my legs over to the side of the bed, I still for a moment trying to get the room to stop spinning ‘um…did I…did I do or say anything’ I ask in fear.
He ignores my question and I watch out of the corner of my eye as he walks over and puts his sleeping bag away, he turns and leans back against his desk crossing his arms over his chest ‘why do you have something to hide’ he states.
Regret and fear instantly claw its way up making the room slowly close in around me, I quickly look at anything but him ‘no’ I lie ‘I just want to know if said anything’ I ask. He raised his eyebrow ‘for someone who doesn’t have something to hide, sure is making a big deal out of wanting to know’ he says.
“I don’t have anything to hide’ I snap, getting up ‘if you don’t want to tell me then fine, I feel like shit and I’m to tired to fight with you’ he releases his arms and stalks over to me ‘sit down’ he orders.
My eyes widen at the authority of his voice, Max has never spoken to me that way and honestly it scared the shit out of me ‘I can’t…I….I have to get home, before my parents notice I’m gone’ I lie.
He shakes his head and pushes me back down on the bed ‘I already called your dad and told him you were here, I told him you came over to watch a movie and feel asleep, so try something else’ he says.
I close my eyes and look away ‘what do you want from me Max’ I sigh, he kneels down to my level ‘I want to know why you are killing yourself’ he says.
I shake my head in denial ‘I am not killing myself’ ‘Then why are you drinking…is it because of this guy’ he ask, my eyes widen as I feel my heart picking up speed ‘guy’ I squeak out mortified as I desperately try to remember what I said last night.
He stands up and starts fiddling with things in his room, his back is turned and I can’t see his face ‘last night you told me you were in love with someone, but he didn’t seem to notice’ he stops and turns back to face me ‘who is it’ he asks.
I clasp my hand tightly and shove them underneath my legs when they won’t stop shaking ‘no one…no one you know’ I lie.
‘Does he go to school with us’ he probes “No’ I quickly shout out another lie ‘where does he go’ I shake my head ‘nowhere….look he doesn’t have anything to do with this’ I lie again.
‘Then why all the drinking’ he says ‘because’ I snap, I quickly close my mouth forcing away what I was going to say ‘look just drop it okay, I’m fine, its not your concern’.
‘It is my concern when you show up at MY house drunk’ he yells, I bring my hands up rubbing my temples cursing at the tension that wont go away ‘fine…I’m sorry okay it wont happen again’.
“Your right it won’t’ he says and his tone scares me, I snap my head up to meet him ‘I can’t stand by and watch you do this to yourself anymore’ he says. “Fine don’t’ I say getting up and walking towards the window.
He grabs my arm before I can get there, turning me around forcing me to look at him ‘if you don’t help yourself and talk to someone and stop this drinking I have no choice but to go to your father’ he states.
I feel rage bubbling up from the pit of my stomach taking over the fear ‘don’t threaten me’ I state harsh ‘it’s not a threat’ he says staring at me willing to say something else.
“Stay out of it Max’ I yell as I yank my arm free ‘what I do with my life is my business, you are not my boyfriend so don’t tell me what to do’ I yell as I push the window open and leap out before he can say anything else, my feet hit the pavement and I run hard, my feet pounding heavily against the cement not stopping until I am home.
I hide myself in the confides of my shower as my mind reels with Max said, it shook me to the core that he would tell my father, that’s the one thing I don’t need. I desperately search for a way to clear this up a way to hide my actions.
I have to be more careful, I have to blend in better, play the part better, I curse at myself for being so careless, for let my actions put me in this predicament.
I go thru the day my mind nagging at me, I jump every time I hear the bell over the door in fear of it being Max. I try and play the nice waitress ignoring the humming of my body.
My body is craving for a drink, just a small sip to stop the shakes, when my break comes I dash upstairs and take a couple of sip from the bottle I have hidden in my room. I feel my body instantly start to relax, I become functional again.
I go back downstairs to finish my shift, I stop frozen when I look up and see Max and Tess sitting in a booth, I turn around and quickly pop a piece of gum in my mouth trying to cover my guilt of drinking. I walk up pretending like nothing is going, like nothing happened last night or this morning.
Max stares at me frowning he knows I’m trying to play it off, he doesn’t say anything but continues to watch me out of the corner of his eyes. When a group of jocks come in that I have gotten to know from the parties his eyes hardened.
I walk over and start joking and laughing around with them, I can feel his eyes boring into the back of my head, I fear I had before is replaced with stubbornness, I make it a point of letting him see that he didn’t get to me.
I accept a date from Paul one of the basketball players for tonight, I make the plans and I turn to stare at Max willing him to say something, showing him that I am not going to let him control me. He shakes his head and turns away.
The rest of the time he ignores me, and I ignore him right back, I finish my shift and I don’t bother saying anything as I leave to go get dressed.
Paul picks me up and we wind up at the park sitting in his car joking around and drinking, he leans over and kisses me and I am so numb from the alcohol that I desperately start searching for a feeling sitting here with Paul in the back seat of his car.
I let him kiss me; touch me hoping that I will feel something, anything. I can tell his hands are moving but I can’t feel them.
I squeeze my eyes shut searching for a tingle, or a goose bump from his caresses, anything would be good I would even welcome roughness but I don’t feel anything.
I hear the yanking of the car door opening and I open my eyes to see Paul being pulled off my by two strong arms, I clutch my shirt closed as I hear shouting.
“Get out of the dam car Liz’ I hear screamed, I instantly start shaking his voice is commanding, frightening ‘NOW’ he yells causing me to jump.
I climb out of the car grabbing my purse and the bottle of alcohol that I was drinking from, the minute I do I want to crawl back in and hide like a small child, Max is standing there his eyes full of fury, I can see his jaw clenching and unclenching tightly.
He grabs my hand and starts pulling me in the other direction, I can hear Paul’s protest, but they stop the minute Max stop and stares back at him.
He doesn’t say anything to him but turns and starts walking dragging me behind him, my body is shaking so badly causing my knees to buckle, and I stumble trying to keep up.
Suddenly a tidal wave washes thru my stomach and I yank my arm away falling to my knees I vomit, nothing but liquid comes out, the fear in me causes my stomach to turn and turn as I continue to throw up.
I feel someone pull my hair back away from my face, I close my eyes begging the dizziness to stop, I stay on my hands and knees for a few minutes ‘finished’ his voice is harsh and cold, I wait making sure my stomach has settled some before nodding my head.
He helps me to my feet, I’m frozen with fear and I watch as the stares at me ‘button your shirt’ he commands and I look down quickly grabbing the buttons, my fingers trembling and fumbling to get it closed.
I bring my arms back down waiting, the rain is pelting down on us, ugly fat drops beating down on our skin punishing me ‘What the hell were you thinking’ he demands.
He doesn’t let me answer ‘is that the guy you were talking about…is Paul the one your in love with’. I open mouth to scared to say something I clamp it back shut and shake my head no and stare at the ground.
‘I don’t believe you’ he shouts ‘what the hell were you thinking….how could you do something so stupid’ he turns and stares hard at me ‘answer me’ , ‘I…I don’t know’ is all I can say, I bite hard on my bottom lip as I bring my eyes up to meet his.
He clenches his jaw hard before he walks towards me, I take a step back I can’t stop the fear that is coursing thru my veins ‘you don’t know’ he mocks.
I watch as he searches my face, his eyes piercing deep inside me ‘who the hell are you’ my eyes widen a bit at his outburst.
“Because honestly I don’t know anymore, you’re clearly not the same girl I know, you’re not the girl who’s been my best friend for my entire life’ he says.
He shakes his head ‘what happened to the Liz I know, where is she…I know she’s in there somewhere…the Liz I know wouldn’t do this’ he says bending and picking up the bottle.
He clenches it tightly in his hand, for a moment I am scared his is going to smash the bottle right there in his hand, he stares at me ‘where is she’ he pleads with me, I see his eyes begging me to talk, to say something and I cant. My vocal cords are choking the words lodging them in my throat.
‘Dammit Liz, talk to me, how can I help you if don’t open your dam mouth and talk’ he shouts, I still say nothing and he throws the bottle with force smashing it against the tree, I jump terrified but something at the same time clicks inside me and I snap.
All of a sudden I’m angry, fuming and I don’t know why ‘maybe I don’t want your help, god why cant you all just leave me the hell alone…LEAVE ME ALONE’ I shout, I cant do this anymore I turn and start walking away.
I feel his hands grab me swinging me around ‘NO…no more walking away from this’ ‘WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT FROM ME’I scream at the top of my lungs.
The next thing I know his hands cradle my face and his lips are on mine demanding entrance into mine, its not soft but fierce, hungry, he nips at my lower lip and I instantly open up, his tongue swoops in and tangles with mine.
My heart is pounding and my head is spinning so fast, I put my hands up and they land on his chest, I can feel is heart pounding in rhythm with mine, before I can do anything else, he pulls back instantly his eyes wide ‘I don’t know why I did that’ he says backing away.
He runs a shaky hand thru his drenched hair, my eyes are huge and all I can do is stand there breathing heavily, my lips till tingle and I bring my hand up touching my lip.
“It was a mistake…I’m sorry’ he says trying to convince his self as well, I want to scream no it wasn’t, I want to ask him why.
My mouth wont form the words, all I can do is stand there shivering staring at him, he sees me trembling ‘come on ill take you home’ he says holding my elbow and guiding me towards his jeep.
The ride home is silent; I’m glued to the door staring out of the window at the rain dancing down making patterns against it.
Rain water drops from my hair mingling in with my silent tears, I don’t even notice that we have pulled up to the alley and he’s stopped the car.
He stares out of the window for a moment then turns his head ‘Liz’ he whispers my name and I squeeze my eyes shut, willing myself to stop crying.
Playing it off I push my hair back on my face and quickly wipe my eyes, I turn and look at him ‘I shouldn’t have done that’ he says ‘I’m really sorry…I don’t want to lose you as a friend, please tell your not mad’ he says.
His words pierce deep as it stabs at my heart, I nod my head and look back out at the pouring rain as he says ‘it wont happen again…I promise’ he whispers the last part, I just nod my head and step out of the jeep.
I take my time walking to my ladder, wishing the rain to wash away the hurt. I should feel guilty but I don’t, I make my way up my ladder when my feet hit the balcony I can hear him starting the jeep.
I crawl thru the window and throw myself down on my bed curling up, not caring that I am soaked to the bone, I touch my lips once more and I can’t help the sob that escapes me.
Thanks everyone for the feeback, sorry it took so long to get out it's been one of those weeks where i honestly just didnt feel like writing. Those that are waiting for the last chapter of Closer i promise i am working on it, it just coming along slowly.
Well anyways here you go, not entirely happy with it but had to set the stage for something else.
Part 6
Its been two weeks since that night in the rain, two weeks of non-ending torture for me, we haven’t talked about it, in fact he acts like it never happened at all.
But for me its constantly there, I always wondered what it would be like to feel his lips on mine and now that I have I cant get rid of the want, the need to feel them again.
I go along with him absent-mildly pretending nothing happened, the repercussions of that night stays with me thou, I feel guiltier than I ever have.
I almost lost my virginity to a guy I had no feelings for what so ever, I almost gave up my innocence because I wanted to feel something, in that moment I wanted to close my eyes and feel like somebody gave a dam, somebody actually cared.
And the worst part was I let myself pretend that he would, when in fact all he was looking for a piece of action with no strings attached.
I guess the good thing that came out it was that I realized that I was losing control, I was spiraling downwards into the black hole without a way out, I had to take some form of control back in my life before I was lost altogether.
I can say that Max’s threat played a part in that; I truly believed he would go to my father, he would expose my secrets and I couldn’t let him do that.
So I forced myself to take part of life back even if it was a small one, I didn’t go to parties the last two weekends, instead I threw myself into sketching more, I stayed locked in my room with my floor littered with endless drawings.
I tried to tell myself to stop drinking but its like my body disagreed, the minute the shakes started I took a sip, I told myself that its okay because I was just doing it to lessen the tension, to stop my hands from shaking, I couldn’t draw if I had a shaky hand.
I don’t know what’s worse thou, when I would drink myself in oblivion and forget everything dealing with it afterwards, or if the fact that I have reduced myself to stealing sips here and there. All I know is big red has become a permanent factor among my things of necessitates.
I told myself its okay because I’m putting the effort back into my friendships, I’m putting the effort there by forcing myself to hang out with them, to sit with them at lunch, to put up with their disapproving looks and whispering words of worry.
They don’t ask me if im okay anymore, they don’t ask me anything about my personal life, I think they have given up, part of me is happy because I no longer have to lie to them by telling them that I am fine, the other half is furious, they are suppose to be my friends, they are suppose to see that I am dying inside.
But then I get angry at myself, how can I expect them to see when I am the one who is hiding, how do you help someone when in fact that person doesn’t want to help themselves first. I know I am a coward; I hide behind my sketches and liquor bottles, because the fact is it’s so much easier to hide.
Saturday I was in my room like I had done the past weekends, I guess you can imagine my surprise when Nancy knocked on my door and informed that Max was here.
I quickly jumped up quickly grabbing the sketches up so he wouldn’t see, he didn’t say anything at first just leaned against the door frame staring at me, I hid the papers inside my sketch book ‘what are you doing here Max’ I ask making sure they were none left around.
‘I came to kidnap you’ he says sporting a half grin, I cant help when my lips turn up sporting a small smile ‘kidnap’ I ask.
He unfolds his arms and walks into the room ‘yeah we haven’t spent the day together in a long time, I wanted to do something just the two of us’ he says shoving his hands into his pockets.
‘What about Tess’ I blurt out, I immediately bite the inside of my cheek regretting it, but just looking at him she was the first thing to pop in my mind. I mean she’s in there all the time like a nasty little conscience bug reminding me that she his girlfriend.
It makes it all the more harder because she hasn’t done anything wrong, she just the girlfriend of my best friend, my best friend that I am hopelessly head over in heels in love with. How can I break them up when they are happy with each other?
‘It was her idea actually’ he says nervously for some reason as he shifts back and forth on his feet. I frown immediately so he’s doing this for her not because he wanted to ‘I don’t need anyone’s pity’ I say bitterly.
He stops and walks forwards ‘its not about pity’ he takes a breath ‘she just thought it would be a good idea so she mentioned it and besides I wanted to do this too’.
‘Sound real convincing there Max’ I snap out shaking my head as I turn my back to him and pick up my sketch book. I hear him take a ragged sigh ‘I don’t want to fight with you…I really wanted to do this, its been a long time and I…I miss you’ he says.
My wall is up, my heart is guarded and I am on the attack ‘no you don’t, you just want to check up on me, see if I’m being the good little Liz Parker like everyone expects’ ‘that’s not it at all’ he snaps back, but I don’t let him finish ‘As you can see I am fine, I’m staying home like a good little daughter’.
‘Liz come on, please don’t do this’ he pleads, but its to late I’m on the defensive ‘don’t do what! State the truth, you think I don’t see how you all look at me, you think I don’t hear the whispering’.
I walk over and point to the door ‘for the last time I am fine, I’m not going to run to a party, I’m not going to get drunk, so you can just leave now, run back to your little group and give them your dam report’.
He doesn’t move but stands there blinking at my outburst, I can see the shimmering of hurt in his eyes, ‘you really believe that’s all I want to do is check up on you’ he says shaking his head ‘forgive me for wanting to spend the day with my best friend, forgive me for giving a damn’ he says storming towards the door.
I sigh defeated and grab his arm before he can get out, he looks at me and it shocks me, I can see his eyes glistening and I suddenly feel like the biggest ass ‘I’m sorry’ I whisper out, he stares down at where my hand is holding his arm but doesn’t say anything, I pull my hand back ‘ I just had a bad night…I didn’t mean to take it out on you’.
He brings his gaze up to my face and I avert my eyes because I know if I look into his I’ll drown. ‘If the offer still stands I would lov, I would like to spend the day with you…I miss you too’ I say blowing out my breath.
I look up in time to see a flicker of something pass in his eyes ‘truce’ I ask, he stares for a minute then smiles one of those smiles that automatically make you smile too.
‘Okay’ he says walking back in the room, I quickly run in the bathroom and brush my hair pulling it up into a ponytail ‘not now’ I mumble when I notice my hand shaking.
I quickly squat and dig out the bottle of Jack that I have hidden inside the cabinet, I bring it to my lips and let the liquid burn my throat and I take two gulps, I return the bottle and quickly grab my toothbrush brushing away any evidence.
I close my eyes for a minute letting the alcohol runs its course thru my veins calming me, when I leave the bathroom my eyes widened quickly ‘DON’T TOUCH THAT’ I yell diving for my sketchbook.
He jumps startled and drops the cover back down ‘I’m sorry’ he says and quickly takes a step back when I rush and snatch the book up, once its safely in my possession I look at him ‘I…I didn’t meant to yell at you, these are just not for anyone to see’ I say.
He nods his head and shoves his hands in his pockets pushing the issue away ‘okay…are you ready’ he asks, I nod my head yes and quickly shove the sketchbook underneath my mattress before following him out.
I shout I’m leaving and Max passes me a look when Nancy hollers ‘don’t do anything to get Max in trouble Elizabeth’.
Our day ended with us at the lake, our special place I like to call it, when Max and I were thirteen we found this place and we kept it a secret, it was a place for us to go when we just wanted to get away, to spend time in the quiet.
The days itself was indescribable, he kept his word and it was just the two of us and the amazing part was that I actually found myself laughing the whole day and not once did I think of drinking when were gone.
We drove over to the next town, its not as small as Roswell and they have this little amusement park that we all used to go to during our breaks, I honestly feel like it was magical, for the first time in a long time I felt like me again.
I lay back on the blanket that he put down staring up at the sky memorizing the way the stars are starting to play peek a boo behind the evening clouds.
He turns and looks at me for a moment then turns his gaze back out towards the lake ‘did I do something wrong that I am not aware of’ he asks out of the blue, I am momentarily frozen for a minute by his question, today’s events washed away as I am reminded how terrible my life has become, he looks down over at me expecting an answer I quickly shake my head no.
“Do you trust me’ he asks, again I have lost my voice and I shake my head yes, ‘then why don’t you talk to me anymore, I feel like I did something that caused you to stop believing in me to help you’ he says.
I close my eyes fighting against the tears that want to fall, he’s right he has done nothing but be there for me and has tried and tried again but I keep pushing him away, he has done nothing but be my friend and I am punishing him because my heart isn’t strong enough.
I turn my head gazing at the tree that Max and I used to climb all the time when were little as I sit up, my voice is so low that part of me prays he doesn’t hear me when I whisper ‘she hit me’.
His head whips around staring at me ‘who’ he demands, his voice is hard, by the tone I can instantly tell he is angry, I find myself drawing in my bottom lip biting down on it as I try and gather the courage to tell him who.
He raises his hand and bring my chin back around to face him ‘who Liz’ he says, I close my eyes as the first tear streaks down my face ‘Nancy’ I whisper out, his eyes widen for a moment then they turn into something else ‘when’ he asks.
I whip my head out of his hand as I shrug my shoulders ‘a while ago’ I say bringing my gaze back to the tree, he runs a hand thru his hair and sighs ‘was it the first time’ he asks, I feel my body starting to shake as I draw my knees up closer to my chest.
He knows the answer by my lack of speech ‘Have you told your dad’ he says, I quickly whip around to him ‘no, and you cant say anything’ I say worrying, my father cant know about this, I cant let him know.
‘Liz you have to tell him’ he argues ‘NO” I yell, I get on my hands and knees gripping his shoulder ‘swear to me Max, swear to me you wont tell him’ I say squeezing his shoulder as my eyes widen in panic.
‘You can’t let her get away with this’ he says his voice softening trying to comfort me ‘Max promise me you wont say anything, if ….if you do I’ll deny it’ I say frantically crying, he draws me closer to him pulling him on his lap ‘okay…okay I wont say anything’ he reassures.
His arms wrap around me tightly rocking back and forth, and I let myself get lost in the feel of his arms around me, I continue to let the tears fall down my face as he plays with the back of my hair trying to calm me down.
When my cries die down to a whispering sniffle, he releases me ‘I’m sorry’ he says, I scoot back over to my side of the blanket as I ask him why, he looks at me ‘I should have been there to stop her’ he says.
“Max you cant be there twenty four hours a day, and besides you have your own life to live’ I say sighing, ‘I know its just I should have been a better friend, I should have pushed you more…I knew you weren't acting like yourself and I did nothing to help you’ he says.
I start picking at the ends of the blanket twirling a loose strand tightly around my finger ‘Max you have helped more than you know’ he looks at me unbelievable ‘how’ he asks, I turn and look at him ‘you’re here with me now, you never gave up on me, I told you what was going on’ its not a total lie, I just left out the part that I am madly in love with him.
‘And…and this thing with Nancy I’m sure it will pass its only happened a couple of times and to be honest I provoked it’ I said. I felt him put his arm around my shoulder drawing me closer to him, I let my eyes close as I feel him kiss the top of my head ‘I wish there was something I could do’ he whispers.
I sigh and breathe him in as I whisper ‘just be there Max…just be there’.
ok guys here it is, I'm sorry it took so long and to be honest i probably could have spent another week on it, but i promised you guys i would get something out. So in advance i'm sorry if it doesnt come out to great.
***WARING***
This chapter contains foul lanuage and sexual contents, if you want to skip it pm me and i will give you a quick run down of what happens.
Part 7
Control
It’s actually kind of ironic when you think about it, that one word is practically the center of your being.
When working you have to maintain control when an irate customer decides they didn’t like something and proceed to take it out on you. In school you have to maintain it in the classrooms, you have to sit down, shut up and do your work.
At home you have to maintain control when you parents are in the mood to pick on you for every little thing, you have to hold your tongue knowing if you say something it would only make it worse.
Control is what we live with every second of the day, it consumes you, taunt you, because when it takes over you, you suddenly find yourself on a totally different path in life.
When you lose it you have to deal with the repercussions of what happened or what was said, because when you lose control you are no longer yourself for however long it takes you grasp it back again.
If I had known that losing mine and making Max lose his would leave us, leave me with wanting to let go of that cliff I would have tried harder to hold onto that control, I would have never taunted him into losing his.
The weekend wasn’t suppose to happen the way it did, Tess wasn’t suppose to be out of town, she should have been here for his birthday, it should have been her that day.
We were hanging out at the Crash Down celebrating Max’s birthday, his parents had gotten him a motorcycle, something he had been wanting for a while now. The six of us Max, Michael, Maria, Alex, Isabel and I were just sitting around goofing off.
I’m not sure how exactly it got started or who brought the subject up, but Michael and Alex were teasing Max saying he was too much of a goody-too shoes, never trying anything new, always in control.
A bet was made between Max and I, a bet I should have never took, he dared me that I couldn’t make him lose control, so the board was set, the pieces put into action, the players Max and I, who would have known that neither of us would be winners in the end.
‘So Miss Parker what exactly do you have planned’ he asks as I slip in easily behind him on his new motorcycle, I look at him and grin ‘you’ll see but first the rules’ I say, his eyes widened a bit ‘rules’ he stammers.
I shake my head yes ‘whatever happens you must keep the bike moving’ he shakes his head yes ‘and no matter what you must keep your hands on the handlebars’ he raises his eyebrow and I add ‘we wouldn’t want to have an accident would we’.
‘Just what are you planning to do’ he asks me wearily, I direct his head to face the front and I scoot closer to him until there is no space left in-between us ‘I’m going to make you lose control Max’ I whisper into his ear.
He glances back at me and I stare into his eyes as he studies me trying to see if my emotions will give anything away, I smile as he gives a shaky nod ‘okay’ and starts the bike up ‘are you ready’ he asks.
I grip his waist a little harder ‘are you’ I whisper seductively, he backs the bike up positioning us to go forward ‘remember you said I could do anything I wanted’ I whisper, I can feel him take a deep breath and he shakes his head yes.
On some level I tell myself he knows what’s going to happen, he knows that this is going to change both of our lives; some part of me tells me he wants this just as much as I do.
I wait until we are on the highway heading towards our special place, I remove my hands from his waist and slide them to the buttons of his shirt, I pop open the first one and I bit my lip from laughing when I feel the bike jerk slightly.
‘What are you doing’ he asks as I continue to unbutton his shirt, ‘proving you wrong’ I whisper. “Liz’ he gasps as I rake my nails down his now exposed chest. I let my fingers memorize the ridges of his stomach, the hard firmness of his biceps.
I slowly drag my fingers up brushing them across his nipple, I feel them tighten under my assault as the wind whips around us, and I can hear his breathing coming out harder, I can see his hands gripping the handlebars tightly.
I lean in closer and hear his sharp intake of breath as I start nipping at his neck and start sliding my hand down to the waistband of his jeans.
He grips the handlebars tighter and the bike jerks forward going faster as I unsnap his jeans ‘oh God’ I hear him gasp out as I start to unzip the zipper, I see his hand leaving ‘no Max, you promised’ I whisper.
He brings his shaky hand back to the handlebars ‘Lizz’ he pleads, I can feel his body trembling against mine, I don’t know if its because he’s scared or the anticipation of what is going to happen, I let my fingers slide underneath his boxers and glide thru the soft hair leading towards my goal.
‘Oh God…Lizz’ he pants heavily as I curl my fingers around his rapidly growing member, I take satisfaction in feeling him harden underneath my fingers ‘Lizz’ his voice is deeper, huskier, I feel something stirring inside me, I know I’m playing a dangerous game but God do I love it right now.
I love knowing that I can do this to him; I’m letting myself believe that he wants this, he hasn’t pushed me away, and in fact his hand has left the handlebar and is gripping my thigh tightly.
I stroke him faster as we head into the secluded area of the lake, I am so focused on bringing him release that I fail to notice he’s stopped the bike and pulling me towards the front.
He whips me around so fast that I am straddling him and his mouth attacks mine hard, his tongue demands entrance into my mouth and I give it to him, I am so dazed with sexual frenzy that it doesn’t even register when he yanks my skirt up and slams into me.
I am drowning in a sea of pure lust and greed that it doesn’t register I just gave my virginity to Max, I feel myself climbing to something higher and all I want is to reach that goal, I want to reach it and sore above it.
I close my eyes as our tongues devour each other and our hands grasp and fondle anything they can reach, I feel his hand grasp my waist tighter and he starts to pick up speed, I feel myself exploding as I scream out his name, I can barely feel him go rigid and scream out as he explodes inside of me.
His head is resting on my chest as we both try and catch our breathes, the realization of what just happened slams into me hard and I am scared to open my eyes, I’m scared to see what is going to happen.
‘Oh God’ I hear him say as I feel him slide out of me and push back to get off the bike, my legs are shaking uncontrollably as I try to prepare myself for what’s going to happen, this wasn’t something that can be swept under the rug.
I open my eyes to see him pacing wildly back and forth mumbling under his breath, I slide off the bike and push my skirt back down ‘Liz what the hell were you thinking’ he shouts causing me to jump.
I open and close my mouth trying to get words to form ‘Jesus Christ Liz, I have a girlfriend…. you know that…why the hell’ he turns and stares hard at me ‘you planned this all along didn’t you’ I take a step back and he takes another gripping my arms ‘didn’t you’ he shouts.
I shake my head no, I wasn’t expecting things to go this far, I wasn’t expecting us to have sex, I only wanted him to know what it felt like to lose control ‘I don’t believe you’ he accuses me, he pushes me away and steps back.
‘I don’t know you at all…do I’ he says ‘when did you become a slut’ he states, my eyes widened at his statement and I feel the rage bubbling up ‘excuse me’ I say stepping up to him ‘you heard me first Paul then this’ he says waving his hands around.
I shove him as I start screaming at him ‘you know nothing happened with Paul…and this as you say I wasn’t the only one who was a willing partner, you were to one who took it the next step’ I yell as I shove him again.
‘Don’t put this on me’ he shouts ‘this is all your fault, if you hadn’t done what you did’ he stops then shakes his head, coming up he grips my arms hard ‘if you tell anyone’ he says.
‘Let go of me your hurting me’ I yell as I struggle against his grip ‘if you tell anyone I’ll deny it’ he says, he lets go hard and I stumble back ‘you better keep your mouth shut Liz’ he threatens.
‘Or what’ I remark, my body is shaking with rage, I’m so pissed off that he is blaming me, it wasn’t just me, its his fault too. His eyes bore into mine and I bit my lip at the way he’s looking at me ‘you just better not say anything to anyone’ he demands.
‘It was a mistake Liz, I’m sorry everything got out of hand’ he says a little cooler “I’m not’ I blurt out, ‘Wha. What’ he stutters out, he standing there dumbfounded and I let it all out ‘I’m not sorry’ I say more confident this time.
“Liz’ he starts but I don’t let him, I start pacing “God Max…I wish I did feel bad, but I don’t. I know it was wrong but I don’t feel it, don’t you understand…all this time and you still cant see it’ I say.
I can see him shaking his head as he watches me pace back and forth ‘I’ve tried to tell myself not to…I’ve told myself that I would only hurt myself…’I’ve fought it and fought but it just consumes me every waking minute’.
‘What’ he shouts causing me to stop and I turn to look at him ‘I love you’ I confess, he stands there blinking at me ‘do you hear me Max…I am in love with you’ I said, even thou I know my world is crumbling down around me I cant help but fill some weight has been lifted.
He doesn’t say anything and I feel myself sinking lower as my heart begins to twist into knots ‘I’ve tried to fight it, but I cant help it’ I say as I shake my head forcing back the tears that want to fall.
He steps back some stunned at my declaration ‘This can’t happen Liz’ he finally says, I look up at him ‘why’ I ask, he shakes his head ‘Liz you are my best friend…I have a girlfriend…there are a hundred different reasons’ he says.
‘Jesus Liz you cant just throw this at me’ he says like he’s still trying to process what I said. I watch as he closes his eyes for a few minutes then opens them back up ‘what happened today was nothing but a horrible mistake’ he says coming closer ‘you were saying that a few minutes ago when you were slamming into me’ I retort harshly.
He shuts up and his eyes turn hard ‘I’m not getting into it again with you, it was mistake, it wont happen again and if you value our friendship you will keep you big mouth shut’ he says.
‘Go Fuck yourself’ I yell as I slap him hard across the cheek, I don’t give him time to react as I take off running towards the highway. I don’t stop running until my knees feel like they are going to give out on me, my legs are still on fire reminding me of what happened a few minutes ago.
‘Get on the bike’ he hollers pulling up next to me, I keep my arms crossed my face staring straight ahead, I wont let him see me cry ‘go to hell Max’ I say as I keep walking.
‘Fine…suit yourself…walk back…see if I care’ he yells and takes off, only then do I let the tears fall, I rub my face violently cursing at my tears that wont stop. I give up on trying as my tears continue to betray me and wrap my arms tighter around myself as I walk back towards town.
I hear the roar of the motorbike in the distant, its getting closer and I’m tempted to run and hide, but I don’t. I keep my head down as he skids the bike up the side of me pushing dust and sand everywhere.
‘Get On!’ he says demanding, his eyes are piercing mine, I actually feel my body tremble with fear, but I refuse I keep walking past him. I hear him cut the engine and the next thing I feel is a hand whipping my body around ‘I said get on the fucking bike Liz’.
‘Fuck you Max, you don’t own me’ I yell as I angrily push my hair back that keeps slipping down in front of my face, ‘That’s it’ I hear him say and then I feel myself being lifted off my feet and thrown over his shoulder.
‘Put me down’ I scream as I struggle against him ‘no’ he says and continues to walk towards the bike ‘Damn you’ I yell as I start to pound on his back ‘put me down…put me down right now’.
He deposits me right in front of the bike and I don’t waist time bringing my hand up to hit him, he catches my wrist before it can make contact startling me, I stare up at him ‘don’t even’ he says dropping my arm.
I stand there and fold my arms across my chest determined to stand there all night I have to, I refuse to get back on the bike with him, he glares at me then picks me up and puts me on the bike ‘don’t move’ he says.
‘I hate you’ I sneer at him as drape my leg over the bike, he stares at me for a minute and I watch as he frowns getting on the bike. I scoot back as far as I can so my body doesn’t touch his ‘hold on I don’t need you to fall off’ he orders, I don’t move ‘what do you care’ I snap at him, his next words are the final piece that jabs my heart ‘I don’t’ I barely register when he finishes ‘your dad would thou’ he says yanking my hand and placing it on his waist.
He starts the bike back up and we head back to town in silence, I jump off before he has time to turn the bike off when we make it back to the Crash Down, I ignore Maria and Michael as they ask how the ride was, I ignore my father who tells me I need to cover for someone.
I run straight to my room slamming my bedroom door and sliding down I bring my knees up close to my chest and that’s when it finally hits me, I destroyed the one thing that matter the most to me, I destroyed the last link that had been keeping me sane.
Last edited by Itzstacie on Tue Aug 31, 2004 9:51 am, edited 2 times in total.
I bury my head further in my locker hurrying to get my books so I can avoid them, all week I’ve been hiding, evading them every chance I get. I can’t face them.
I hide among the faces so they can’t see me; I hide so I can watch them from afar. I watch them laughing, smiling, I watch them whisper, I watch him.
Closing my locker I silently groan when I run into a pair of blue eyes ‘Hi Liz’ she says nervously ‘Tess’ I respond clutching my books closer to my chest.
“Can I talk to you for a second’ she asks, I advert my eyes ‘please’ she says when I get ready to respond with a lie, I sigh and nod my head.
‘I was wondering if everything was okay, I noticed you haven’t been around us all week’ she says, I lower my eyes trying to hide my emotions ‘and I asked Max about it but he wont talk and I’m worried’ she says.
Just hearing his name makes my heart pound heavy ‘I think something happened but he wont talk to me and I was wondering if you would tell me what’s going on’ she asks, I shake my head no as I feel the bile rising up, I know exactly what happened and the guilt eats me alive as I stand there and lie ‘you’ll have to ask him, I haven’t spoken to him in over a week’ I say as I turn to leave.
‘But your best friends’ she yells ‘you have to know’, I turn back and face her ‘not anymore’ is all I say turning and leaving, as I do I slam into a hard body and two strong arms reach out grabbing my arms stopping me from falling.
I close my eyes against the familiar feeling and force the tears back before opening my eyes, I will them to open and see the mirrored heartbroken expression looking back at me, the same haunted look that I have been living with. All your fault the words slam into me and I immediately pull out of his hands.
I don’t say anything but push past him not looking back as I walk swiftly down that hall disappearing in the ladies room, I lock myself into a stall and reach for my bag. I down the hard liquor closing my eyes as I let it burn thru my veins.
I stumble into biology class and make my way to my desk, as I go to sit down I fail to notice my rear completely missing the stool until I find myself laying flat on my back and staring at the ceiling.
I can’t help it and a fit of giggles burst threw me like a kid in a candy store. As I start to calm myself down I see a figure standing over with his hands on his hips ‘Are you okay Miss Parker’ Mr. Hardy asks me a I roll over to my knees.
‘Just fine and dandy’ I laugh preparing to pull myself up ‘well then I think now that you have seen the floor you should take your seat so we can begin class’ I laugh ‘but its so much nicer down here’ I say.
I hear him sigh and then see him bending down taking my arm he glides me up and let’s go, I stumble back hitting the table behind me sending papers flying everywhere and I burst out laughing again.
‘Oops sorrry’ I singsong out as I continue to sway, a drunken hiccup escapes me and i bat aimlessly at a lose hair hanging there, I notice the entire class is amused and smiling except for three pair of eyes, I notice how they glance at each other and I can see the sadness behind them, I stare into a pair of golden hurt eyes and I stop laughing abruptly.
‘Hmm I’ll just pick these up’ I say as I stumble over to the papers, I feel an arm grab my elbow and twirl me around, taking a whiff ‘have you been drinking Miss Parker’ he asks me. I stare at him as I tap my finger against my chin pretending to be thinking.
I raise my finger like I just made this great discovery ‘why yes…yes I believe I have’ I say as the class breaks out into laughter. “Miss Parker you know we do not tolerate this kind of behavior, I suggest you go straight to the principals office’ he demands.
I immediately stand straight at attention and give him a salute ‘yes sir’ I say grabbing my bags, I walk past and ignore the pair of green eyes shimmering with tears, I ignore the pair of blue eyes filled with concern and ignore the pair of amber eyes shaking its head at me.
I walk right past the principals office and head for the double doors leading me to freedom, as I get closer I hear an deep voice ‘where do you think you are going Miss Parker’. I turn and look at the teacher standing there ‘to hell and if you not careful, I’ll bring you with me’ I say and walk out of the doors.
I make my way to my private place, I sit high on the peaks staring out of over the sky, I reach over and pick up my sketch pad and pencil, closing my eyes I let my fingers glide over the page. When my drunken haze begins to clear I look down at my drawing.
My eyes widen when I see my face staring back at me and it shakes me to my core. I hastily rip the page out crumbling it up and tossing it over the cliff as my heart pounds heavily in my chest.
I close my eyes denying that my face stared back at me, I deny what my heart starts telling me, I am no longer myself, I am nothing.
As the sun starts to set I make my way home praying that I can just get to my room unnoticed, I notice the apartment seems empty and I sigh in relief that no one is home and I can get to my room safely.
“Lizzie’ I hear my father says softly from the other room and my steps falter ‘yea dad, I’m just going to start my homework’ I say as I start walking again ‘Lizzie honey can you come here for a minute’ he asks me and my mind starts to panic, did the school call, I start trying to make up excuses to get out of this.
I make my way into the room and I see him standing there with a pained expression, I see movement from behind him and my eyes widen immediately and I’m instantly on the defensive ‘whatever he told you he’s lying’ I shout out.
My dad puts his hands up slowly to show me he’s remaining calm, he looks at me carefully afraid that I will bolt which I am tempted to do ‘Lizzie please’ he says softly ‘honey we need to talk’.
My heart starts racing and my eyes dart back and forth between the two of them ‘honey we need to get you some help’ ‘I don’t have a problem’ I state really fast, he comes closer to me slowly ‘honey you do…I know about the drinking baby…and about Nancy’ he takes another step and I gaze at the guilty culprit sitting there staring at the floor.
I take a step back readying myself to bolt as my body starts to tremble ‘baby I’m so sorry’ my father says ‘she’s gone honey, she can never hurt you again’ my eyes widen did he really get rid of her just like that.
As if realizing my thoughts ‘she’s gone honey…I threw her out’ he goes to grab for me but I wrap my arms around me tighter and take a step back. “Oh honey why didn’t you tell me’ he asks ‘I thought we could tell each other anything’ I wipe at the tears that escapes as I whisper ‘I was scared’.
This time when he reaches for me I let him hold me, its been a long time since my father has hugged me and I clutch him holding on for dear life, he pulls back and cups my cheeks ‘you are the most important thing in the world to me, do you hear me’ he says.
I nod my head shakily as I close my eyes against the burning tears ‘Lizzie honey I promise everything is going to be okay, we are going to get you help’ I pull back confused ‘what are you talking about’ I ask nervously.
‘There’s this place’ I immediately take a step back as my mind starts screaming, he takes hold of my arms, I start shaking my head violently against his words help you…no contact….three months. Only when I see movement from the couch do I find my voice and then I attack.
‘Who the hell do you think you are’ I scream, my hands are shaking as rage is pumping thru my veins, he stands up slowly his face set with guilt ‘Liz’ ‘You had no right….no right’ I yell as I push him.
‘Liz please’ he pleads with me, my head starts spinning as I try and understand him. I can’t grasp why he’s doing this to me, he hasn’t spoken to me in over a week, has barely looked at me. I kept my mouth shut; I haven’t said anything, why is he doing this to me, why is he killing me.
‘I trusted you’ I whisper as the tears course my cheeks ‘I don’t understand…why are you doing this to me’ I sob out. He takes a step closer and I take one back, the walls are closing in, I have to get out of here and now.
I shake my head putting my hand up ‘No…no I wont go’ I yell as I turn and run ignoring both of their pleas to come back. I make my way downstairs rushing thru the employee’s only door and I run straight into my worst nightmare.
I stand there frozen in fear as Nancy glares at me, I see Maria and Alex standing up out of the corner of my eye, and their faces tell me that they know too. Nancy raises her hand ‘you bitch’ she yells as her hand makes contact. I clutch my cheek and stare back; my eyes dart around at everyone staring at us.
I stumble back dropping my sketchbooks and bolt, I run towards the doors knocking glasses and things over as I go, I burst thru the front doors and don’t stop running.
Wow look at the feedback, told you i could make you hate Max lol. Okay i figured some wanted to see what was going on inside Max's head and what he was thinking so here it is, the only POV from him. It is strickly his thoughts.
and just a quick note, thank you, thank you, thank you for the numerous nominations i have seen about this fic. I cant tell you how much it means to me.
Chapter 9
Max’s POV.
I stand back watching her fragile body sway against the wind as she stands there not moving, I watch as the wind catches her hair making it dance around as she hugs her body tighter. I can see her shoulders trembling and I know she’s crying.
I look around at the surroundings, this dry, died out piece of desert, its mountain side reaching out towards the heavens, I never really knew it existed until today, I never understood the meaning of this place.
Now I do, I understand why she chose this place and it breaks my heart, its isolated, cold, dying, its peaks reaching for something more, just like her.
I can openly admit I’ve been a big fat coward, an asshole, whatever else you seem fit to call me. I’ve damaged the one thing that I was terrified of losing; I tossed away what I wanted to hold on to because I was afraid.
I know it’s a poor excuse, I hid behind false illusions, harsh words because I couldn’t step up to the plate and grasp the reality before my eyes and the worst part was I knew what it would do and I did it anyways.
For the first time in my life I lost control and it scared the hell out of me, this small beautiful girl made me lose control in the blink of an eye and it terrified me to learn that she held so much power over me.
I did the only thing I could think of I lashed out, I was angry with myself for losing control, for letting my dick do the thinking instead of my head. I know most guys would have been jumping up and down screaming they lost their virginity, but I couldn’t because just as my innocence was lost so was hers.
I was so mortified by my actions that I ignored her all week, tried to shove it down, bury it deep, anything that would make me forgot the horrible things I said to her, I wanted so badly to erase it all and start again.
I watched her all week, watched her slipping further and further away, Tess told me over and over to go to her, to try and make up for what happened before it was to late, but my cowardness kept me from doing it.
Seeing her in class and her open display of drunkenness crushed me, I realized that she had gone over that edge and I know I am the one that pushed her.
It was then that I realized I had to be the one to pull her back over also, when we were little she would always tell me she dreamed of one day finding her prince just like in the storybooks. That one day her knight in shining armor would come riding in and rescue her.
I would laugh and tell her to get her head out of the clouds, I told her things like that didn’t happen in real life, that it was impossible to believe.
When she ran out of the café, Maria told me what happened when I got down there, I watched as Nancy was led away by the police and I started thinking maybe I should be led away too.
I’m no better than her with the way I acted, and the worst part of it is I knew what she did to Liz, I knew and just because I didn’t physically bash her, my words were just as bad, were just as damaging.
Jeff begged me to find his little girl, to help him make her understand that he only wants her to get better, she’s all he has left and it would kill him to lose her. I knew when I went to him I was going to make things worse, that I was probably going to lost that last touch of acknowledgement from her, but I had to do something.
Maria pulled me over to the booth and that’s when I noticed she had Liz’s sketchbook, a part of me told myself not to look, Liz didn’t want anyone to see. But I had to know, I had to see with my own eyes just how broken she was.
I stared at one picture after another, my heart squeezing painfully with each one, how could we all be so blind, how could we not see what was before our eyes.
We called ourselves her friends, friends would never turn a blind eye and let someone fall so far, friends would not ignore the cry for help, and we don’t even deserve to be in the same class as her.
With each drawing she did of everyone I saw her in them, that little figure being drawn further and further away until she was nothing but a shadow. I wiped angrily at my tears as I saw her in the drawings begging to be noticed, begging for someone to help, and no one did or should say we did but didn’t do anything about it.
By the time we were finished Maria was openly crying blaming herself, Alex was on the brink of tears asking over and over how we could be so blinded. I figured out where she would be from the drawings and took off running towards her.
Standing here I am visibly trembling, I am terrified I wont be able to reach her, I am terrified that the damage is done and there is no coming back from it, but at the same time something tells me I have given up to many times before, I cant do it again.
I’ve realized its time for her fairy tale to come true, its time for her storybook to come to life. It’s the time for me to put aside my fears and take that plunge. This is about her now, her life is depending on it, and I have to get her to see that she means something to me, to her father, to everyone else in her life.
I have to tell her I was a coward, scared to act on my feelings because we have been best friends for so long that if we got together and something happened, I wouldn’t survive it.
She has been my rock for so long, the one I turned too when things didn’t go wrong, if something happened between us there would be no one to catch our fall and it forced me to hide.
I close my eyes praying for the courage to say the right thing, the courage to tell her that when she said those three little words to me every dream I ever had came true and how much I wanted to say them back.
Knowing that she loves me and i love her is what’s going to give me the strength to do this, I let my breath out and open my eyes, my mind is set, she will get better, she will get thru this because this time I am going to be there every step of the way making sure she does, even if she pushes me away i will not budge.
I take a step than another wearing my heart on my sleeve, no more hiding, no more running, its just me and her out here and in the end we are going to walk away from this cliff together and fight her demons even the demon in me.
I am going to finally show her just how much the world needs Elizabeth Parker, just how much I need her and how much I love her, all the while silently pray its not to late.
