Hindsight (CC,M/L,YTEEN,1/1) - [COMPLETE]

[cerulean29]

Hindsight

I do not own the characters, just the story.

Rating: YTEEN (some language, but not much)

Summary: Though the main character's names are never mentioned, they're meant to be Max and Liz. A tragic story of a love between friends.

Author's Note: Okay, so I'm new to posting...I've been an avid reader for at least four years. This story was not written with Max and Liz in mind, but after its completion I realized that it could fit the two very well. So if you see any random names, they're just ones I forgot to change, this story is of my own creation. Also, if there has already been a story of this title, let me know and I'll change it. I'm mainly posting this because I hope to someday be a published author and want to know if my ability is up to par, feel free to leave any critiques you may have. Okay, on with the story...






He sat there staring at the wall, trying to remember how he’d gotten himself caught up in this tangled mess. If one year ago someone would have asked him where he thought he’d be, he wouldn’t have even been able to comprehend being at this place, feeling this way. He searched his mind, tried to think of where things had changed, if things had really changed or if it was always like this. He didn’t know.

He remembered the first time he met her; it was at her house, last May. She and all of her friends were celebrating their high school graduation. His friend Michael, who was also a good friend of hers, brought him there. She was drunk, he recalled with a smile. Their first conversation began with an inquiry by her as to what kind of music he liked. He’d told her that he hated classic rock. She’d been appalled. Why did he remember this so vividly? He could picture her sitting there, hair and clothes a mess, beer in hand.

After that night he began to slowly but surely work his way into their group of friends, her group of friends. It was weird at first because he and Mike graduated two years prior to these girls. He’d never hung out with anyone younger than him, well except for his sister. His motives were not completely innocent though. There was one of her friends, Tess, who he’d noticed when he was a senior and they were all sophomores. He remembered seeing her in the halls and thinking that she was one of the hottest girls in the school. So naturally he’d jumped at the opportunity to hang out with her.

At first his sights were set completely on Tess, she’d shown some interest in him, or so he thought. It took well over a month for him to realize that Tess was flirtatious by nature, and had no interest in him whatsoever. By this time though, his opinion of the girls had changed. He’d actually come to like hanging out with them, he’d started to enjoy their company, specifically her. At the time he’d thought it was just because he’d seen her the most. Somehow it usually ended up being him, Michael, and her hanging out until late at night. A couple of times it’d ended up just being him and her.

But it was a strictly platonic relationship, he’d thought of her as a buddy, a pal, hadn’t he? She was the most ungirly girl he’d ever known. She liked to talk about cars, liked it when he sent her pictures of mustangs, she liked bands such as Godsmack and Default. Yet at the same time she always wore pink, low cut, shirts. She wore her hair down and frequented a skirt and those strappy sandals, what were they called again? She was his non-smoking buddy. When everyone would go outside to smoke their pot, she’d stay inside with him and they’d just shoot the shit. She, like him, just didn’t have an interest in that kind of thing.

Just as he was coming to regard her as his best, completely platonic, girl friend, she’d gone and gotten drunk and let it slip that she liked him, like that. It happened one night when he was driving her home from a party. She was obviously not in a clear state of mind at the time of her confession. He didn’t know what to do or how to react. He was only interested in her in a friendly way. He did the only thing he could think of, he acted as if nothing had ever happened; he wasn’t the type of person to go knocking on confrontation’s door. At the time he’d thought it was best to avoid the subject. Looking back he wished he’d said something to her.

Things continued on though, both pretended that the car ride and the conversation had never occurred; they were back to the good friends thing. In fact, and he couldn’t help but grin at this fact; she’d gone out of her way to tell him that she’d just wanted to be friends. He knew she was not being honest with him when she said that, but he didn’t tell her that. Though he’d kept up the guise of their friendship he’d actually begun to notice the way she acted around him, her body language was completely different when she addressed him. He didn’t understand why she couldn’t get the hint. He now realized that it was because his body was speaking the same language as hers. How could he have not noticed? Whenever they’d be together in a large group there always seemed to be a tractor beam pulling them together. They always ended up next to each other when the group went out to dinner or to the movies. They’d always whisper to each other underneath the conversation at the table. Hell, when they were at the movies, he’d initiate the whispering! It was so cute how she’d lean over to him and make her prediction of exactly how the movie was going to end. It was even cuter when her prediction was exactly right. Of course these things he didn’t notice until this very moment, damn him, if only he’d thought of it then.

As the summer had drawn to a close everyone prepared to leave for school. It was a big deal for the girls; this was their first year of college. It was nothing to him, he was a junior, and hated his school. During the last weeks before everyone left, he spent many late nights talking to her, reassuring her, online. She wasn’t going away; she’d ended up being stuck commuting to a local state school that she didn’t want to go to at all. He felt for her, he knew what it was like to not get what you wanted out of college. They’d connected on a higher level during that time period, she’d gone to him because he’d commuted to school for his sophomore year. She’d asked him for words of reassurance that it’d be okay. He told her that it would be okay, but it wouldn’t be the best year she’d ever had. He was not the biggest optimist; he was actually quite a pessimist, so he’d told her the flat out truth as he perceived it. He said “college sucks, and commuting sucks even more.”

Her opinion ended up being quite similar to his. However, unlike himself, she was determined to change that. She’d applied for and gotten in as a transfer student to a state university farther away. For her second semester, she’d be living at a school a little over two hours away from their town. He remembered how excited she was when she’d told him. It was in November, and she’d just gotten her hair cut. He remembered that because her hair had been so long before that, she’d actually begun to remind him of the evil girl from that movie “The Ring.” She looked so adorable as she stood there, grinning from ear to ear, her newly shortened hair reflecting sunlight, despite the overcast sky. God how had he not realized how beautiful she was that very moment?

She was one of the most caring girls, he knew she had feelings for him, yet she’d tried to set him up with another girl. It wasn’t a half assed attempt either. She’d spent three hours on the phone listening to him complain about his one ex-girlfriend. She’d listened as he told her everything about that girl, everything. She never once made a snide remark or called him naïve for saying that he’d been in love, even though they’d only dated for three weeks. He asked her once why she’d gone through all the trouble and her answer was both predictable and astounding. She’d said “because I care about you and I want to see you happy, I think that this girl could make you happy.”

Of course the set up didn’t work at all and she was there for him afterward when he had felt the need to analyze every last detail of the experience. She, like him, was a thinker, always trying to understand people and situations. They both had this incessant need to figure out what made people tick. Ironically, he’d never understood what made her tick, and she in turn told him she’d never figure him out, she called him an ‘enigma’.

At some point, he couldn’t remember when exactly, they’d begun this war with movie quotes. They’d always try to stump each other. The game never ended, it was their thing. It had started off as an online thing, but had gradually progressed to an ‘anytime I think of a quote’ thing. God they’d gone at it for hours with that damn game. She’d aggravated him so much because she’d always wind up pulling out these obscure quotes from movies he’d never heard of. They always ended up fighting over who won each round. God how she could argue with him, he loved to get a rise out of her. She got this look on her face whenever she’d rebut something he’d said. So many times had they gotten into arguments about the government, cars, movies, or any other obscure topic. She was the only person in that group of girls who could make him raise his voice. She liked that fact, and he knew it. She once called him Ned Flanders, because he never let any anger show. She’d said that if he didn’t let it out it was just going to explode one day. She felt special, like she really mattered to him, she never said it, but he could tell. Truth be told he too liked the fact that she was the only one who could get under his skin in such a way.

After Christmas break, things between them began to get weird. On her birthday as he was talking to her online she flipped out and told him that she thought he hated her. He didn’t know what to do, he didn’t hate her at all, he just didn’t like her the way he knew she wanted him to. He’d ended up calling her and spending the better part of an hour trying to calm her down from hysterics. He remembered hearing the smile in her voice when she’d thanked him for listening to her ranting. He’d told her something that night that he couldn’t fully comprehend until now; he’d told her that he was glad she felt close enough to him to be so open with her emotions. He knew that would make her happy, that’s why he’d said it. Why didn’t he realize the truth in that statement? Why hadn’t he paid more attention to the pang in his heart when she’d told him that he was the last person she’d talked to on her birthday, and the last person that had wished her a happy birthday?

But that’s beside the point; things were getting more and more awkward between them. He’d gone and visited her at school with his roommate, and it was a good time, except his roommate was a bit of a whiner, a ‘tool’ as she’d called him. After he’d visited her she seemed to think they were closer. He didn’t realize that that would be her reaction, but he could now see why she would think that. Who drives two and a half hours to visit someone if they’re not either a really close friend or a girlfriend?

During spring break he’d told Michael that he no longer thought it was a good idea for the three of them to hang out separately from the group. He didn’t want her to think that he was interested in her in more than a platonic way. Michael had ended up telling her, and she had ended up calling him. He ignored the call but she left him a pretty wordy voice mail in which she told him that she just wanted to be friends and said that if he couldn’t handle hanging out with just she and Michael, then he had no business being her friend in the first place. She’d also said that hanging out alone with him did not ‘lead her on’ in any way, that if anything lead her on at all, it was his visit to her school. The last thing she mentioned in the message was the fact that he’d never had a problem with it before and she didn’t understand why he was starting to at that point. At the time he didn’t know why he’d suddenly felt so uncomfortable. It was crystal clear to him now, damn hindsight. The thought of the word "hindsight" brought a smile to his heart, dispite the situation. He remembered a quote from one of her favorite movies, "Life as a House", she used to repeat it to him over and over, "Hindsight. It's like foresight without a future." Oh how true that statement was.

After spring break things went pretty much back to normal, well for the most part. He knew something was definitely different between them, but he wasn’t going to say anything. A few times online she’d expressed her unhappiness at school, but he just figured she was homesick and that she’d get over it. Unlike the previous summer, he didn’t comfort her and try to at least appease her uneasiness. Oh how he wished he had.

It was a rainy Saturday in April when he found out. He was at an electronics store looking for new speakers for his car when his cell phone rang, it was Michael. He’d said that she’d been taken to the hospital because of a brain disorder she’d had. She told him about the disorder back in September but she’d never mentioned it since. He knew she got chronic migraines but that was the extent of his knowledge on her health. Michael and everyone else who was home were going to the hospital later that day to see her. He couldn’t go, he had to work.

He called Michael that night when he got home from his job and Jake told him that they hadn’t gotten to see her because she was undergoing several tests. He told Michael he’d go with all of them the next day to visit her, but when the time came he just couldn’t bring himself to go. He’d turned off his cell phone and told his mother to tell anyone who called for him that he was out. He just didn’t feel comfortable going to the hospital, besides he knew she’d be fine anyway.

That night he got a very angry voice mail from Michael. He felt absolutely horrible, between profane words, Michael had described how happy she had been to see everyone, how sad she looked when she learned that he wasn’t there, for she knew he was home every weekend. Michael had described how weak and pale she had appeared, how sad and unlike her self she seemed. For the first time in the period in which he’d known her, he just acted without thinking. He got into his car and drove to the hospital to see her. When he arrived it was well after midnight and he expected to run into a bit of difficulty actually getting into see her. Much to his surprise however, when he’d mentioned her name at the nurses’ desk, then escorted him directly to her room.

Unprepared couldn’t even describe how he felt as he walked into that little hospital room. His first shock came when he saw that she was wide awake, watching “The Tonight Show.” His second shock came when he actually looked at her, she had tubes coming out of her and heading in every which way before connecting to some machine or another. She didn’t look at all like herself, for the first time she looked truly weak, unlike the strong willed and outspoken girl that he knew her to be. It was clear that she’d been crying. He pulled up a chair and grabbed her hand, and god was it stiff. He apologized for not coming with everyone earlier and she just smiled and told him that it was fine. How she could have managed that smile amidst all the pain she must have been feeling at that moment was beyond him.

He couldn’t bear seeing her in such a condition; he didn’t understand what was wrong with her. He did the only thing he could think of, the only thing he was good at, the only thing he was known for, he just started talking. He told her that she was going to have one hell of a problem convincing people that she wasn’t a junkie with all those needle marks on her arms. He’d also told her that as soon as she was well enough he’d take her for a nice long, fast ride in his car, something he’d been promising since he’d purchased it the previous summer.

She just looked at him and gave him this heart-breakingly sad smile. When he asked her what was wrong, she’d told him that she would be unable to accompany him for that long awaited drive. His heart stopped as he’d asked her why. “Because I’m dying,” she had said. He couldn’t believe it, she had to be kidding, she couldn’t die, she was too young, too special, too… undeserving of such a fate. She’d done so much good in her life, in her thus far short life. She told him to take his appeal to the higher powers. He could see the tears in her eyes as she began her next sentence. “I lied to you so many times, you know that don’t you?” He’d looked at her in complete confusion, what was she talking about? “I do have feelings for you, you were right, I’ve always had this feeling deep inside me that one day we’d be together…I guess I was wrong huh?” The last part came out in a half sob, as the tears began to trickle down her face, yet she forced herself to continue, “I’ll never get to do any of the things I’d planned, I don’t want to leave my family behind, god how this is going to kill my parents. I’ve never even been in love; I’ve never kissed someone and really meant it.” At that point he couldn’t take it anymore, he would have done anything he could to ease her pain. He did the only thing he could think of, he leaned in and pressed his finger to her once soft and pink lips, he wiped her tear stained cheeks with his thumbs and looked into her eyes. “I’m in love with you” he told her. He had initially said it to comfort her, but once the words had escaped his lips he knew it was true. He looked from her eyes to the pillow then back to her eyes and again said “I’m in love with you” he then proceeded to press his lips to hers and gave them both the best kiss either had ever experienced.

He held her in his arms for the rest of the night and when he awoke he saw her family standing at the door. He excused himself to go to the bathroom and get some coffee, he didn’t even like coffee. Yet that is what he did, is where he went, is where he is now, kicking himself for not realizing his true feelings sooner. He knew that he was ‘uncomfortable’ around her because he cared for her, he honestly did love her. He was just afraid of it, afraid of getting hurt, afraid of trusting someone.

Deciding that he’d spent enough time scolding himself for the past, he set off to make the most of whatever time there was left. When he got to her floor he saw her parents embracing outside of the door to her room, and he knew he was too late, once again.

She was already gone…and he would never be the same again.