Author: ChrissyP47
Rating: YTEEN, I think. Maybe TEEN
Catagory: Max Fic. Post-Departure
Disclaimer: I don't own Roswell, I pretty much don't own anything, cept my college debt. Now if someone wants that, they are free to have it.
Summary: I'm not giving one, it is what it is. Post-Departure.
Author's Note: It's only one part and it's *very* angsty. It's also a POV fic, which I haven't done in awhile so YAY! to me. Thanks to Deejonaise for being a great beta. And thanks to Tasyfa for trying to beta. I didn't mean to ask you to do it and then tell you no don't do it. LOL.
Banner by Me. ( Yes Anne, you can have a banner for a one-parter
)Lyrics from "Fallen" by Sarah McLachlin
I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
*~~~*~~~*~~~*
I stood there holding her in my arms. Knowing this is what forever is. She’s my one and only. My everything. I can feel her tremble slightly out of fear and I know things will never be the same. For the moment I forget that the past has even happened and just live in the moment. We’re together for that moment and I’ll keep it for as long as I can.
Then she pulls away.
“It’s going to take time.” She spoke looking up at me. “You can’t expect things to be right from the beginning. Even after we know the truth. You still made a lot of mistakes.”
“I know.” I speak to her softly and I do know. All I can hope for is that she will someday forgive me. Forgive me for my past indiscretions. I need someone to forgive me because I can’t seem to forgive myself.
I’d never felt that lost before. I was alone and scared and I ran to the one person I shouldn’t have been running too. The memory of her lips against mine, her body pressed tightly to mine will forever be burned in my memory.
For that moment that I was in the arms of another, I’d felt alive and safe. I’d fallen so far that even the warmth of someone dead on the inside seemed like enough to keep me stable. Now I know it was like a drug. I’d taken the hit and now I was back where I was. Miserable, alone and trying to pick up all the pieces.
I chose that moment to look up and everyone in our unique family was staring at me. This was the part where they would look to me for help. Look for me to get them out of the mess we were in and bring things back to normal. How am I supposed to gather the group when I’ve spent months not knowing who I really am? How can I be the strong one when I am the one who needs to be brought back together?
“We should go back to the Crashdown.” She spoke. “Then we can try and figure this all out.”
I nodded. For once I was glad someone else was taking charge. She’s more of a leader than I’ll ever be. She makes the right choices and goes with her heart. My heart’s been dead for too long for it to be any good at giving me advice.
Everyone starts to pile down the mountainside in silence. I have yet to move. Instead I look up at the sky where the woman carrying my son as just disappeared too. I may never see them again. Which, as much as I want to wipe away the memory of the woman, it hurts to lose my son. The one I know that is growing in her every second she is away.
“Max are you coming?”
I look over to Liz who is waiting for me. She holds out her hand to me. I can see her fingers trembling slightly, she’s nervous or afraid or a combination of the two. I let her take my hand and we walk down together in silence. This is only the beginning of what is going to be an uphill battle. A battle I am sure I am going to lose.
*~~~*~~~*~~~*
We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone
*~~~*~~~*~~~*
Her lips were soft against mine. The kiss was gentle and sweet, much like the first. It’d been so long, too long, since she’d kissed me with her love behind it. I know it’s wrong. It’d been two days since the other had disappeared into the clouds and now we’re back together, laying out in the desert like two young lovers first discovering themselves.
She swore to me, after everyone else had regrouped, we’d all get together and discuss the future. In the meantime it seemed like the two of us were forgetting the past. In the two days since the departure, we’d spent every moment together without any words. Just living in the moment. Feeling each other again. It was wrong. It’s so wrong, but I can’t stop myself. I want to erase the past too, just as much as she does. What is so bad about that?
Our kiss grows, our touches desperate and we cling to each other. I can taste salt on my lips and as my mind starts to clear I realize it’s her tears I’m tasting.
“We can’t.” She mumbles against my lips as her tears continue to fall slowly down her cheeks. “I can’t. I thought I could, but I can’t. Please.”
I pull back from her to see the hurt and pain in her eyes. She looks so disappointed. I don’t know if it’s with me or herself, but the agony she is displaying is more than I can handle.
“Liz I…” She doesn’t give me a chance to finish.
“I can’t believe you slept with her.”
It was the first time she had mentioned it since our fight, which felt like weeks ago, even though it was only a few days.
How was I to respond? Would she understand my pain? Would she know how lost I was? How lost I am?
Instead of saying anything I let her pull away from me. Her tears have lessened, but still a few fell as a painful reminder to us both.
“Take me home please. I can’t be around you anymore.”
I didn’t think I could fall any farther, but I did in that moment. I took the light away from the one person I love more than anything. There was no way for me to explain to her that what happened wasn’t because of her. No way to tell her that I loved her and that I messed up, but it didn’t change anything. There was no way for me to ever be the person she loved in her eyes anymore.
I’d fallen too far to come back.
*~~~*~~~*~~~*
But we carry on our back the burden
Time always reveals
The lonely light of morning
The wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I've held so dear.
*~~~*~~~*~~~*
I took her home like she asked. She got out of the car and didn’t look back at me. She got out and ran through the front of the Crashdown, without a glance back in my direction. What did I expect though?
I shouldn’t have thought that there was a chance for her to love me again. The moment I let another reach into my soul was the moment I lost the only thing I ever wanted.
I lost Liz.
The desert passed by me for miles. The warm wind whipping past me through the open windows of my mother’s car. Going home wasn’t an option yet.
I pulled over in nowhere to sit by myself. I sat till morning. The light from the new day sprung forth and spilled along the horizon. The warmth it brought couldn’t penetrate the coldness that was forever inside of me.
Bitter tears ran down my face at the unfairness of the situation. My fists punched into the desert sand as the sun continued to rise. I willed it back with all my strength, wishing it would go back for days to let me redo what has been done.
The sun continued to rise.
*~~~*~~~*~~~*
Nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
to everyone I know
Oh they turned their heads embarrassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step
You'll slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed
*~~~*~~~*~~~*
I didn’t go home for two days. I just stayed out in the desert, watching the sun slip from the sky at night and come back in the morning. Waiting for a one of those miracles you always hear about me to bless me in the morning light.
I wasn’t worthy.
So I went home. To return to the live that I had once been living.
When I got to the Crashdown it was closed, but everyone was inside, like they were waiting for me. I wanted to run, but there didn’t seem to be anywhere to run to. Anyone to run to anymore. I was trapped, this was my curse, my punishment.
I walked in and they all stared. Maybe they didn’t expect me to come back.
“Where have you been?” Michael asked.
Liz avoided looking at me, Maria glared at me, while the others just stared in silence.
“I was thinking.” I chose to reply.
They all looked at me then, but Liz. They were looking everyone on me. My mistakes marred my image in their eyes. All they could see was the past, they couldn’t see what was really there.
And I didn’t know what to do.
I wanted to beg for forgiveness, I wanted to be redeemed in their eyes, but no one could look at me without a hint of disgust coming from them.
Michael nodded at my response and they returned to what they had been talking about before I interrupted.
Liz looked over at me, her eyes only opened slightly. I begged with my eyes, but she looked away with such disappointment reflected from her soul.
I cried on the inside, I willed them to understand. My soul was screaming to all of them, but they weren’t listening. They shouldn’t listen. What I had done was unfixable. They had every right to look at on me with repulsion; I was to be ignored.
For a moment I thought about saying something. My mouth opened, but slammed closed at the sight of a tear trailing for Liz’s closed eyes.
So I did what she did. I ran.
*~~~*~~~*~~~*
I've fallen.
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so....
*~~~*~~~*~~~*
I lay in my room that night. My parents tried to talk to me, but I went straight to bed. I couldn’t look them in the eyes. They had no idea what had been going on, but still, they knew I had done something wrong. Disappointment ran in their aura when they were near me. It was too much to bear.
Isabel walked into my room without knocking and sat down on the bed. She wasn’t looking at me, but she just sat there, staring at the floor. Moments ticked by before she finally spoke.
“Max, you messed up.”
“Don’t you think I know that?” I snapped at her.
She didn’t appear phased by my outburst, almost like she was used to it by now.
“I just want to make sure you know how much your screwing up is affecting everyone else. Not just Liz. None of us know what to do now.”
I closed my eyes and let my sister’s pain slip into my skin and run through my veins.
“Are you disappointed in me?” I asked her.
“Yes.”
I held my eyes tighter, the pain ran fast and made my heart pump harder to deal with the changes. She didn’t get a change to say anything else to me. I couldn’t deal with anymore, the pain was hurting my heart and bruising my soul.
Getting up from the bed, I threw my shoes on and left my sister sitting there. She didn’t even bother to stop me when I went.
*~~~*~~~*~~~*
Heaven bent to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight
*~~~*~~~*~~~*
It’d been a week since Tess left as I stood at the spot where she shot from the earth. The desert looked so peaceful from the top of the cliff. Roswell looked like a tiny speck reflected in the dark of the night.
The sun was beginning to rise in the east. The pain in my chest began to grow. Flashes of the hurt I’d put in Liz’s eyes and heart ran through my like knives. I couldn’t escape it any longer.
The sun formed a blinding light as it reached higher in the sky. It’s rays wrapped around me to try and instill comfort, but it was just an illusion.
I stared out into the orb of light and felt the burn of the heat in my eyes. I became blinded by the brilliant light, all I could see was it’s orange and yellow colors. I was hypnotized by it’s enticing glare.
A hand reached out of light for me. The comfort a felt from it was like nothing I had experienced in ages. The hand helped to lift me up and wanted to save me. Take to me to a place where the pain would just be a memory.
I followed the hand as it led me straight into the light. All I felt was the warmth, the security it brought. The light grew and grew, taking over my vision completely. Roswell, which was so near, felt so far. Those I had hurt became a distant memory as I fell. The light burned brightly white and right before it blinked out and led me into the darkness I felt Liz’s happiness at her own wedding, twenty years down the line. It made the pain melt away from my frozen soul and a smile crossed my lips for the last time.
The End.