Deeply (CC,M/L,ADULT) Pt 7 - AN 09/17/04 [WIP]

[EmmyAwards]

Title: Deeply

Author: EmmyAwards

Disclaimer: The usual, ya know… I don’t own these characters yadda yadda. I wish I owned Jason Behr though!

Rating: ADULT

Summary: Liz has secrets that she must keep from her friends, but will they threaten to kill her?

Timeline: Just before the end of the episode The End of The World

Feedback: Welcomed and appreciated.

This is my second attempt at Roswell Fic. Read my other story Alone in the Crossover Section. I've never written 'romantic' stuff or anything of the nature I'm writing in this story so if it sucks I'm sorry.


**********


Part One - Tonight and the Rest of Their Lives

I feel so light
This is all I wanna feel tonight
I feel so light
Tonight and the rest of my life ~ Tonight and the Rest of My Life by Nina Gordon

Liz looked around her balcony. It was completely empty and as reality sunk into her mind; she felt her heart becoming increasingly empty too. She couldn’t believe what she had just done. That she had tricked Max into thinking she had slept with Kyle. She had half hoped that he would never believe that she could do that to him, because it was true, she would rather die than hurt Max that way. That was how she felt now… like she was literally dying inside. She climbed into her room and went into the bathroom to wash her face. She knew that she wouldn’t be sleeping tonight; she felt that perhaps she should concentrate on doing some homework, to take her mind of what she had just done. It was only last year that she had been a simple girl living a boring life in Roswell, New Mexico. Now she had just pretended to sleep with her ex-boyfriend because a future version of her alien soul mate had told her that if they were together it would mean the end of the world. Why did life have to be so complicated? It was like the heavens above just didn’t want to let her be happy.

“Liz?” she breathed and whirled around at the sound of Max’s voice. Her eyes took in not the Max she had been hoping for, but someone older, more wearied, greyer, and hardened. Future Max. Her heart fell realising it hadn’t been her Max, and try as she might tears started to roll down her face, crystal drops gracing her pale cheeks.

“I’m sorry… I…” she said before breaking down. Future Max pulled her in close to his chest and held her, gently stroking the silky brown hair as he comforted her. He knew it be hard for her. She would never get to experience the wonderful life he had lived with his Liz until the end of the world came. Their wedding, the love they had shared. He would truly miss it all, even though he knew in a sense that he couldn’t because he would never exist. He pulled Liz over to her bed and sat with his arms around her as she cried.

Liz’s tears began to taper off and she looked up at the chiselled jaw, so like the love of her life, yet showing the experience of years he had lived. She looked at his eyes, so deep and inviting, dark pools of amber swirling like the galaxy he came from, his lips and then… they kissed. Quickly as they had begun they kissed each other with a passion, with a frenzy that neither had realised they had held. She quickly pulled off her beige top as he pulled her towards him in a crushing embrace. Lips mingled, tasted, danced forward and back in their pre mating ritual. Max’s leather pants, looking as though they wouldn’t come off in a fight were gone with a swipe of his magical hands. Soon they were alone together, not a shred of fabric separating them.

Future Max lay Liz down gently as though she were some prize jewel. Her hair flat across the pillow like a brown silk curtain. She looked at him with trust reflecting in their eyes. He kissed her.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes” she said simply. He moved, healing her as he went. They began slowly, but as the need in them intensified, so did the journey they were taking together. Harder and faster they pushed until soon Liz felt an explosion. She saw stars, galaxies, solar systems, things that she had never seen that one time when her Max had found the orb with her. Both of them knew that this was wrong, but neither cared. Tonight was their one night before the dawn came to take them back to reality and the rest of their lives. For Liz dawn meant a life without Max, with Max hating her and with him being with Tess. It meant a life without happiness, a life without love; for she knew she could never love another again. So tonight, tonight was about her living something she had once thought would be another footstep in her life, but was now a fantasy. Tonight it was having Max completely and for her to lose her innocence to the man she loved, the love of her life. Future Max looked at her. How she reminded him of his Liz. Part of him felt that he was being unfaithful, sleeping with the younger version of her, but another knew that soon he would cease to exist, and this was the last time that he could be with Liz, hold her, love her and tell her so. Future Max held Liz tighter, as they both drifted to sleep. Two lovers, who weren’t really lovers, but bound by the need for a version of one another they could never have again.

[EmmyAwards]

Title: Deeply

Author: EmmyAwards

Disclaimer: The usual, ya know… I don’t own these characters yadda yadda. I wish I owned Jason Behr though!

Rating: NC-17 (Sex, Rape)

Summary: Liz has secrets that she must keep from her friends, but will they threaten to kill her?

Timeline: Just before the end of the episode The End of The World

Feedback: Welcomed and appreciated.

This is my second attempt at Roswell Fic. Read my other story Alone in the Crossover Section. I've never written 'romantic' stuff or anything of the nature I'm writing in this story so if it sucks I'm sorry.


**********


Part Two - Fade to Black

As the walls are closing in
And the colours fade to black
And my eyes are falling fast and deep into me
And I follow the tracks that lead me down ~ Black by Sarah McLachlan

Liz awoke to find herself completely naked. She remembered what had just occurred some hours ago. Feeling cold she turned over to snuggle up to Future Max, but found the bed empty except for a note on the pillow beside her.

My dearest Liz,

Thank you for everything you have done for me, for all of us. Once again your unfailing selflessness has given the world another chance at life. On a more personal note, thank you for sharing yourself with me. I will forever treasure the last few hours of my life. Remember destiny is what you make of it.

Forever yours,
Love Max.

Liz looked at the clock on her nightstand. 4:05am it read. Groaning Liz got up and took herself to the shower. Showering quickly she got into some comfy PJs and walked back into her room to notice a man standing there.

“Who are you?” she said when the man suddenly rushed forward to grab her. She reacted quickly, kicking his shin and then running for the door until the door slammed shut in her face and she fell back onto the floor in surprise. It was an alien.

“Stupid human girl” the man said. He had a voice that could be devastatingly charming when he wished, with good looks to match it, but at the moment it all disgusted and frightened Liz. What was he going to do to her?

“Where’s the granolith?” He said grabbing her roughly. Liz felt her arms beginning to bruise but she tried to remain calm and not show him that she was afraid.

“I don’t know”

“Liar. WHERE IS THE GRANOLITH?” he said getting angry now.

“I don’t know! I was never told where it was!” she said pleadingly, trying to wriggle out of his grasp to no avail.

“Fine if you won’t tell me then I will just have to get the information for myself.” He threw her onto the bed and got on top of her, straddling her so she couldn’t move. Liz cried out in pain as he put both his hands on either side of her head. An excruciating pain filled her head and she knew that she was being mind raped. She knew that it wasn’t Nicholas; no he was just a boy. The only other person capable of doing such a thing was Khivar. Khivar was on earth. In her bedroom. Mind raping her.

“BLAST!!” he yelled in frustration, taking his pain giving hands away from her head. “You don’t know where it is. Well you’re going to get that information for me.”

“I will never get anything for you.” Liz spat at him defiantly. Khivar wiped the spit from his face angrily and slapped her hard across her face.

“No?” he said grinning. He produced a long syringe and stuck it Liz’s arm as she screamed and thrust about wildly. “I have just injected you with an alien virus that your precious Max cannot heal. The only cure for it is an antigen which I have. If you do not bring me the location of the granolith within six earth months, you will suffer a long painful death.” And because of all the pain you’ve caused me by being rude and unco-operative… he said grinning even wider. Liz watched in horror as he removed her clothes with a sweep of his hand, much like the graceful move that Future Max had made in the same bed only hours before, but unlike that this was evil, frightening and shameful. Was he going to rape her?

Everything felt like it was in slow motion all of a sudden. Liz closed her eyes and prayed for darkness to take her as above her Khivar was having his revenge.

[EmmyAwards]

Title: Deeply

Author: EmmyAwards

Disclaimer: The usual, ya know… I don’t own these characters yadda yadda. I wish I owned Jason Behr though!

Rating: NC-17 (Sex, Rape)

Summary: Liz has secrets that she must keep from her friends, but will they threaten to kill her?

Timeline: Just before the end of the episode The End of The World

Feedback: Welcomed and appreciated.

This is what I call my 'filler' chapter.


**********


Part Three - Haunted

You used to captivate me
By your resonating life
Now I'm bound by the life you've left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me ~ My Immortal by Evanescence


“Alex. Hey Alex!” Maria called running towards him and slapping him on the shoulder. “Have you seen Liz this morning?”

“No. I was looking for her too. Weird it’s not like her to skip school.” Alex said scratching head. Maria spotted Michael walking up to them and grabbed Alex and began walking in the opposite direction of Michael, and class.

“ Hey” Michael said to Maria and Alex.

“Whatever, dude.” Maria said holding up her hand in a not listening pose.

“No, I have something to tell you”

“I'm not interested.”

“Hey, it's about Courtney.”

“ I am sooo not interested” she said walking away from him. Michael grabbed her arms and pulled her to the side next to the lockers.

“Hey, will you just listen to me?” he said agitated. Maria pulled her hands away from him and held them up defensively.

“YOU listen to me here. She made a play for you, and you went for it. So, what? Now she's screwed you over and you've come to realize she's a cheap, manipulative tramp? Well, this is not news to me.”

“She's an alien. A skin, like Whitaker.”

“What?!” Alex and Maria said in unison.

“Group meeting is in Mr Hubman’s class right now.” He said dragging down the corridor towards the meeting.


***********
(This next part is mostly taken from the episode Harvest)


“I knew there was something wrong about her, even before I found her picture in Whitaker's office.” Michael said pacing the floor.

“Where's Courtney now?” Max asked.

“I don't know. She went out the window. I tried chasing her...”

“But it's hard to run with your pants around your ankles?” interrupted Maria scathingly.

“Settle the personal crap on your own time. If Courtney's a skin, it means she was working with Whitaker.” Tess said annoyed at the two of them. They are ALWAYS fighting she thought.

“You're right. There's no way two skins would just happen to be in Roswell at the same time. They were working together, which means Courtney knows everything about us.” Isabel said panicking.

Max wasn’t really paying attention. Just yesterday he was imagining this day being a good one, with him floating down the halls hand in hand with Liz. He was hoping that the Gomez concert would help them get started again. Never in his wildest dreams… no make that nightmares could he have imagined that. That Liz, his sweet Liz would do something so out of character, something as deceitful as to sleep with someone else. To cheat on him… her so called soul mate… with Kyle!

“Maxwell, are we disturbing you?”

“Leave him alone. He's had a rough night.” Tess said defensively.

“Really? Something you wanna share with the class?” he said sarcastically.

“No. Look, if Courtney is a skin and she was working with Whitaker, the first question is, does she know that Whitaker's dead?” Max said getting back into take charge mode.

“If she didn't before, she does now.” Maria said motioning to the TV in the classroom.

We have this story just in. A controversial New Mexico congresswoman is dead. We'll have that story in just a minute.
Widowed just 6 months before her husband John Whitaker's upcoming election, she took his place on the ballot and won the election by a higher margin than any Democrat in 15 years. But all that ended yesterday, just outside her hometown of Copper Summit, Arizona, where a tragic single-car accident cut short a life of public service.

“A car crash?” Tess said in disbelief.

“She died 2 weeks ago. I was there!” Isabel said insistently

“We were all there” Max said calming her.

“How could she be in a car accident if she's dust?” Michael asked

“So who's conveniently covering up her death for us?” Tess responded. Isabel thought.

“Nasedo said the skins were among us. Skins, plural. Maybe other skins created a fake car accident to keep the Feds from looking too closely into Whitaker's background” she said slowly

“Max...what do we do?” Tess said looking to her leader.

“Uh, let me guess. Nothing.” Michael said rolling his eyes. Max thought hard. As much as he didn’t want to talk to her at the moment, there was only one person who would have any information about Whitaker’s death.

“Liz.”

[EmmyAwards]

Thanks for all the support and feedback guys!! This chapter isn't that great but I wanted to post something before I go out for dinner. HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!


**********


Part Four - Come Clean

Let the rain fall down
And wake my dreams
Let it wash away
My sanity
Cause I wanna feel the thunder
I wanna scream
Let the rain fall down
I'm coming clean, I'm coming clean ~ Come Clean by Hilary Duff


Drip, drip, drip. The water poured down on Liz from the showerhead as she sat huddled in the corner between the glass and the tiled wall, her nightclothes soaked and sticking to her skin. She hardly noticed, desperately scrubbing at her skin to try and get rid of the horrible dirty feeling that wouldn’t leave her. Her normally tan skin was beginning to take on a slightly reddish colour, her skin being rubbed raw by the insistent loofah that continued up and down her arms, legs and body. Liz wanted to die, she just wanted it all to go away. She had experienced the peaks of bliss and the depths of despair all in one night and more than most people in their lifetimes would experience. It wasn’t that long ago that she had been Liz Parker, good daughter, straight A student on her way to Harvard. Now she was Liz Parker, daughter with secrets, friend with secrets and world saver… not one but two worlds…

“Liz?” she heard Maria call. She scrubbed harder at her skin, she couldn’t let Maria see her so dirty and so disgusting the way she looked at the moment. “Liz what happened?!” Maria cried rushing towards her. She pulled the loofah away to Liz’s protest and was aghast at the red skin that now shone on Liz’s arm.

“Give it back Maria, I need to get clean” she said softly.

“Whatever for? Liz anymore scrubbing and you’ll redder than Max’s ears go when he gets embarrassed.” Maria flung the loofah into the far corner of the bathroom and Liz was too weak and too tired to retrieve it. “Liz” Maria’s eyes and voice pleaded with her.

“Khivar raped me” she said softly, so softly that Maria almost didn’t hear her. Maria’s head whirled…

“Um sorry I just hallucinated… I swear I almost heard you say that Khivar raped you” Maria said fanning herself as though she was going to faint.

“He did…” Liz said again quietly, her head bent down in shame.

“He WHAT?!” Maria screeched, “I’m going to go get Max and the others.” Liz grabbed her frantically as Maria got up to leave.

“No Maria! You can’t!” she cried panicked.

“Why Liz why not?”

“Because Khivar injected me with an alien virus that Max can’t heal. The only way to be healed is for him to give me the antidote and he won’t unless I tell him where the granolith is.”

“The granolith? I know where that is” Maria said suddenly.

“No don’t tell me. He mind raped me too, I don’t want him to come back again and find it if you tell me”

“HE MINDRAPED YOU TOO?! LIZ WE HAVE TO TELL THEM!” Maria said in an even louder more pronounced voice.

“Please Maria. Don’t tell them… you can tell Alex if you want… but no one else. Swear to me Maria.” Liz begged. Maria took in her appearance. Her eyes were bloodshot, face splotchy from crying too long. Her soaked clothes clung to her like an almost translucent skin, her real skin bright red and raw from excessive scrubbing, her normally lovely brown hair hung mattered and mottled in dregs… but mostly Maria noticed, there was no life left in her eyes. She had always been told that eyes were the windows into a person’s soul, and if that were true then when Khivar mind raped Liz, he had taken her soul too. She needed to be there for her friend.

“I swear Liz.” Slowly Maria helped Liz out of the shower and got her into warm clothes. Liz refused to sleep on the bed until Maria had moved the bed into a different location, turned the mattress upside down and changed the sheets. Together they redecorated her room so it was now unrecognisable as the room where she had first been given happiness and then utter sadness all in one night.

“Hey… what the heck happened to Liz’s room?” Alex said in shock as he walked in through the door. Liz and Maria slowly recounted the story to Alex and by the end of it he was pacing up and down her floor in rage.

“Can’t we do something about it? I won’t just see my friend suffer from something that could easily be fixed.”

“No Alex! If Khivar gets the granolith it could be disastrous for earth like future Max said. Besides, I’m not going to die from this virus, I’ll just be sick a lot.” Liz lied. She couldn’t tell Maria and Alex the truth. She knew that if they knew she was going to die, nothing would stop them telling Max and the others in an instance. A knock on the door stopped them all in their paces.

“Erm guys? We’ve been waiting down there ages now.” Michael said irritably.

“You’re all here?” Liz said anxiously.

“Oh yeah we forgot to tell you. They announced Whitaker’s death on the news as a car accident. We need you to find out some information for us. Do you think you’re up to it?” Liz sighed. She had hoped to bury herself under the covers and pray that the world around her would just melt away and all be a dream. But she had to be strong. She couldn’t let the others know there was anything wrong.

“Sure” she said weakly. She got up to get changed as Maria shooed Michael and Alex out of the doorway. Maria helped her get dressed and then helped her to hide any evidence of her crying and injuries.

“You’re all set” Maria set. She helped Liz down the stairs to the awaiting pod squad.

Max’s heart leapt at the sight of Liz entering the diner. She looked how he felt. Pale, tired and sad. She had an air about her that he had never seen around her before. Scared, frightened and defeated. He didn’t know what it was that was causing it but his heart ached to help her. Despite what he had seen last night he still loved her, more than anything else in the word.

“Hi Liz. Are you okay?” he said uncertainly. She nodded, avoiding his eyes.

“I’m fine. Let’s go to Whitaker’s office.”

[EmmyAwards]

Author: EmmyAwards

Disclaimer: The usual, ya know… I don’t own these characters yadda yadda. I wish I owned Jason Behr though!

Rating: NC-17 (Sex, Rape)

Summary: Liz has secrets that she must keep from her friends, but will they threaten to kill her?

Timeline: Just before the end of the episode The End of The World

Feedback: Welcomed and appreciated.

Sorry it's been so long guys, been busy and all. Um sorry if the chapter's crap....


**********


Part Five - Afraid To Sleep

And I'm afraid to sleep
Cause if I do I'll dream of you
And the dreams are always deep
On the pillow where I'll weep ~ Afraid To Sleep by Dido


“Yeah, we...we're in total shock. No, we haven't set a date for the memorial service yet. Yes, I will let you know as soon as we do. Of course. Ok.” Liz hung up the phone. Her head throbbed intensely and her body ached from the abuse it had suffered earlier. She so desperately wanted to cry but she couldn’t, not right now. She looked up uncertainly at the rest of the group. They were all looking at her. Max with a guarded, uncertain look that broke her heart, and Isabel, Michael and Tess staring at her venomously. Obviously they knew what Max had seen and now probably believed they were justified in warning him of her in the first place.

“Look at this” Tess said handing them an envelope “The postmark says Copper Summit. It’s from something called the Universal Friendship League.” Max took the envelope from her and using the letter knife opened it quickly.

“Dear member: Your failure to report as scheduled violates protocol. We must receive word by the 25th of this month or terminate your membership, effective that date. Sincerely, T. Greer, senior coordinator, Vilandra project.”

“The 25th was yesterday, that’s when they said she died” Tess said.

“Let’s call them,” Maria suggested. Liz picked up the phone and dialled the number.

“Hi um is this the… the Universal Friendship League?”

“Who is this?”

“I… I’m calling from Congresswoman Vanessa Whitaker’s office. We just, um, opened this letter this morning and… I wanted to call and apologise for not responding sooner.”

“Yes”

“We just wanted to let you know that, unfortunately, Congresswoman has passed away.”

“Thank you for calling”

“They just hung up”

“We’re going to Arizona” Max said. Michael protested saying that he had to find Courtney, so it was decided that Max, Isabel, Tess and Liz would go alone to Arizona. Liz dreaded it. How was she going to last? At the moment she felt as though another planet wouldn’t be far enough away from them, and now she was going to have to sit in a tiny jeep with them for the whole ride there and back. With two women that hated her and worse with the man she loved hating her.


**********


They were on there way to Arizona. Isabel and Tess were fast asleep, Liz was driving. She had volunteered, knowing that if she didn’t she may have fallen asleep and that couldn’t happen. She had a feeling that as soon as she did her dreams would be plagued with the nightmare images of Khivar and the events that had occurred last night. And no one could know. MAX couldn’t know.

“I’m… I’m ok up here… if you want to get some sleep” she said to Max who was intently staring at her from the passenger seat.

“I haven’t slept since I saw you with Kyle. Liz, I know you, and I don’t believe that you would do that to me. It doesn’t make sense. Tell me what happened” he urged her, his voice tinged with desperation and begging. He began to reach out his hand to her, and Liz flinched. She couldn’t help it, she was so scared now, so confused, she didn’t know what to do, how to react in front of guys. Alex had tried to hug her before, but she had panicked, backing away and then tensing up when he had put his arms around her. But its Max… she thought heartbreakingly, yes but Max has hurt you before warned the little voice inside her head. NO! That was Nasedo, pretending to be Max. Max would never hurt me.

“Liz? Are you ok?” Max asked worriedly, it had hurt him so much to see her flinch at his touch, like she couldn’t stand to be near him, like either she hated him or she felt so guilty about what she’d done that she couldn’t bear it. Please let her regret it… he thought. He hoped she was ok, as much as part of him was angry, no furious about what she did, he still hung onto some hope that she loved him. She looked terrible, even though she tried to convince him that she was ok, she had dark bags under her eyes, like she hadn’t slept either, the whites of her eyes red rimmed. Her skin or what he could see of it was pale. She had covered up in a long sleeved turtleneck and jeans, and a huge red overcoat even though there was warm weather this time of year.

“I’m fine.” Liz closed her eyes quickly before again concentrating on the road ahead of them. How can I tell you what happened… that you told me to make you fall out of love with me, and then that your arch enemy…did what he did… "I'm fine" she repeated. Max sighed, turning away from her to stare out of the passenger window as they continued on their journey. So close together, yet further apart then they had ever been before.

[EmmyAwards]

Author: EmmyAwards

Disclaimer: The usual, ya know… I don’t own these characters yadda yadda. I wish I owned Jason Behr though!

Rating: NC-17 (Sex, Rape)

Summary: Liz has secrets that she must keep from her friends, but will they threaten to kill her?

Timeline: Just before the end of the episode The End of The World

Feedback: Welcomed and appreciated.

Sorry it's been so long guys, been busy and all. Um sorry if the chapter's so short and crap.


**********


Part Six – I’m Sorry

I’m sorry it’s just too late
To get it all back
Get back what we had
I’m sorry it’s just not right
We both know it wasn’t meant to be
Like this at all – I’m Sorry by Lene Marlin

They had arrived in Copper Summit. Max and Isabel had left to explore the town, leaving Tess and Liz in the jeep together.

“So… you and Kyle” Tess said casually, trying to keep her emotions in check. What was it about guys that they seemed to go for Liz. I mean Tess could understand that Liz was loyal, smart, and admirable. She had brought to the aliens what they had never thought they’d been able to have…. A sense of normalcy. But it hurt Tess. The one person she had been told all her life was the person she was to love, and to be loved by in return, loved Liz. But what hurt most of all, was the person that Tess thought could make her forget all about Max, who made her felt human, seemed to have fallen for Liz too.

“Yeah. Oh, Kyle… he told me that you two were, uh, getting involved.” Liz said apologetically.

“Oh, it’s ok, don’t worry about it.” I was only in love with him after all.

“I’m sorry”

“About what? All you did was sleep with him.” Tess said with her heart painfully constricting. “How was he anyway?”

“Oh, I, um… I… we… it was great.”

“Noted.” Max and Isabel came back then, so Tess couldn’t ask Liz anymore. But she somehow decided that perhaps it was better she didn’t. The more she heard about how happy Liz and Kyle were together, the more heartbroken she would be.

**********

They had found Whittaker’s home, and to their surprise, been invited to stay with her family. Everyone went about trying to act normal, and at the same time finding out whatever they could about her. Liz on the other hand just couldn’t do it. Her lower body burned with a white hot fire from yesterday’s brutal attack, making walking difficult. Her head was spinning slightly, and she felt nauseous. Surely, the effects of the illness were not taking place already? Liz stumbled outside into the cool air, trying to take deep breath to keep herself from puking.

“Liz! Liz, what are you doing? We agreed none of us would go anywhere alone” Max said coming up towards her.

“Fine” Liz said as she started to walk around him to go back towards the house. She could sense that a confrontation was coming, and it was the last thing she needed or wanted.

“Wait”

“Max, look. There’s just… there’s nothing left to say.”

“Except the truth.”

“We have already been through this!”

“So far, all I know is what I saw, and what I saw can’t be true, because it means that everything I felt in my heart for the last year is a lie! Now, you owe me an explanation, and I want it right now!” Liz felt a panic rise. She couldn’t do this now, she couldn’t let him know.

“Please quit shouting, Max. You’re scaring me.”

“That’s a lie, too! You’re not scared. You’re hiding something.”

“I’m not.”

“What the hell is going on with you, Liz? We never lied to each other, never kept a secret from each other.” Well now I have to keep secrets from you, to save your life. Liz thought.

“You know, you have got me up on this pedestal, Max, and… I’m not this perfect person. I made a mistake. Look, Kyle and I made love. The end. I’m sorry” she said wanting to cry at the absurdity of the lie, even more so as Max turned away and ran back into the house. Her breath caught in her throat and she stumbled into an alleyway, tears streaming down her face. Her head was swimming, and she could feel bile tickling the back of her throat. Bending over she threw up in the dank corner and then slid down in a torrid of tears, sobbing her heart out. In the darkness someone watched her…

[EmmyAwards]

Author: EmmyAwards

Disclaimer: The usual, ya know… I don’t own these characters yadda yadda. I wish I owned Jason Behr though!

Rating: NC-17 (Sex, Rape)

Summary: Liz has secrets that she must keep from her friends, but will they threaten to kill her?

Timeline: Just before the end of the episode The End of The World

Feedback: Welcomed and appreciated.

I'm baaaaaaaaacckk... sorry if the chapter is crap.


**********


Part Seven – Lost Without You

All I know is I’m lost without you
I’m not gonna lie
How I’m gonna be strong without you
I need you by my side
If we ever said we’d never be together
And we ended with goodbye
I don’t know what I’d do
I’m lost without you
I keep trying to find my way
I’m lost without you
I keep trying to face the day
I’m lost without you – Lost Without You by Delta Goodrem

Liz slowly lifted her head up and stared at the sky above. The stars were shining brightly tonight, almost in a mocking sort of voice. You lost him, you lost him forever… they chanted to her. Liz pulled herself up, holding onto the brick wall for support. She stumbled out of the alley, she knew it would be dangerous for her to stay out, she didn’t know how long she’d been gone for, passed out in the middle of nowhere. Quietly she made her way into the house and got into the shower. The hot water scalded her skin as it fell down from the shower head. Liz welcomed the feeling, she’d become accustomed to it after her rape, always feeling like she could never been clean enough, never get the dirty feeling she had. She knew however that she didn’t have the luxury of using up all the hot water, so she finished quickly, drying herself and changing into her PJs and a bathrobe. She wanted some privacy, to jot down the jumbled web of thoughts going on inside her head. She took out her backpack and found a pen and some notepad paper. Noticing a deckchair out on the balcony she went out there and began to write.

I think I’m beginning to understand more and more about what Max, Isabel and Michael went through all the years before the shooting at the Crashdown. Trying to keep a secret so deep and so dark from the ones you love. Granted, ever since that day I have been doing that, but there was always someone to share it with. But now, even with Alex and Maria knowing, they can never truly know. What it’s like to be raped. What it’s like to know that you’re going to die, and there’s something you can do to stop it, except that it meant the possible death of your friends and your soul mate. With every minute and every hour going past, I can feel it sinking, drowning me into some horrible depths that I don’t even want to begin to comprehend. I’m so young; I’m not ready to die. I want to graduate and go to Harvard and become a molecular scientist. I want to get married, and have children. But now I may never do that. I may never even reach my 18th birthday. To be able to drink legally, go clubbing, to vote and have my opinion counted for… Nothing…

Max looked sadly out through the balcony window. Liz was there, curled up on a deckchair on the balcony, as if she were at home on her own balcony doing the same thing. He didn’t know what went wrong, what to do. He still couldn’t believe that Liz had slept with Kyle; it hurt so much to hear her say it. And it wasn’t just her saying it that hurt, but the way in which she said it. She didn’t say “we slept together, we had sex, we fucked”… anything. No, she said “we made love”, each word she said was like a knife twisting and turning deeper into his heart. Did it mean she loved Kyle? Was all that time he had spent with her just fake? A pity case because he was some poor stranded alien? It had felt real, down to his bones he knew it had felt real, because these feelings he had for Liz were very real. He loved Liz, he did then and he still did now. He was so sure that if Liz could just say that she wanted him, that she was sorry, Max knew he could move past this; with her he could do anything. But it seemed that she didn’t want to, she was hiding something from him he was sure of it.

“Max?” someone said behind him, startling him from his thoughts. He turned to see Tess with a glass of milk in one hand and a plate of cookies in the other. “You want to talk about it?” Normally Max would have just dismissed her, told her he was fine, he wasn’t a person who normally talked about his feelings anyway. But right now he felt he did need a friend. Not someone like Michael who would tell Max to stop being stupid and to get over it. Not Is who would judge him and get even more angry with Liz than she was already. No he needed someone… less involved.

“Yeah sure” he said sitting down with her.

“So Max what’s wrong?” Tess said taking a bite of one of the cookies.

“It’s Liz. I… why did she do that? Why did she have to sleep with Kyle?” Tess’ winced as he said it.

“I don’t know Max, I wish I did, I really do. I mean, and I’ve never told anyone this… I know how you feel… sort of.” She said looking down at her glass. Max felt confused.

“What are you talking about Tess? About the fact that you and I aren’t together?” he said feeling slightly frustrated that she still hadn’t understood that he was off limits, regardless of what Liz felt.

“No…” she said blushing “it’s…. kind of embarrassing” Max felt confused. Who was Tess talking about if not him?

“huh?”

“I… I like Kyle” she said looking down flushing. Max’s jaw dropped. Tess liked Kyle?

“Oh” was all he could say.

“So you can see… I understand how you feel… about Liz… It hurts me so much that Kyle slept with her. I really thought that he and I were getting closer. That there was something special between us.”

“Yeah I do”

“Yeah um… please don’t tell anyone” Tess pleaded. Max nodded.

“Your secret is safe with me” Max promised solemnly. Now that Tess is out of the way, if only I could reach Liz… if only…

[EmmyAwards]

Aiya!! So sorry I have been AWOL... since JUNE!!! So bad... I know... been soo busy I felt like I haven't had a holiday *cries*

I don't know when I can get a new chapter going... the latest I can promise is at the end of November. I will try my absolute best to get it done before then.

Thankyou for the bumps, kind words and patience.... in fact perhaps I shall try to start writing now since I feel so awake!