Nothing to fear, nothing to doubt (Teen, M/L) complete

[cashmere]

Hi everybody,

Finally after 4 years of lurking on this site, I have decided to go public. This is the first time I am officially posting on this site, so please be kind. Apologies for any mistakes on my part.

This story has been with me for a while, and is complete, so will hopefully be posting this either on a weekly or every other week basis.

Oh, and a big, big, BIG thanks for JD for spending hours reading the story and giving me feedback....

Cashmere!





Title: Nothing to Fear and Nothing to Doubt

Author: Cashmere

Rating: Mature

Category: CC Max POV

Disclaimer: Title comes from the Pyramid Song by Radiohead on their Kid A album. Please don't sue! The characters are not mine, they belong to other people with more money (Jason Katims Productions, 20th Century Fox TV, Regency TV, The WB TV Network, UPN, Melinda Metz) and I would just like to thank them for creating them. These are just my thoughts, from a brain that I cannot claim any credit for either. Abbreviated lyrics at start of each chapter are all given who by, song name and album.

A/N: This piece starts just after Liz and Max have their talk at the prom; from there nothing is as the show. It will be pretty short, around 5 chapters, with quite a lot of angst and very dark. I am sorry if the length of time that has passed between the episode 'Destiny' and the 'Heart of Mine' is completely wrong, but I just guessed.



Prologue

There is nothing I can do but stand here and stare. How does she have the ability to draw on just the right words, say them and use them in a way that rips out my guts, my heart, throwing them into a bloody heap at her feet, and all without even breaking into a sweat? I wish I could walk up to her now and shout and hurt her the way she is hurting me, but I am rooted to the spot, unable to move my arms or legs and worse still unable to tear my gaze from her face. She's broken me. She's dancing with Maria and there is nothing on her features but joy, spending time with her friends, enjoying the music and letting go. She's being normal. A normal girl enjoying her prom night. A normal girl without a worry in her life, a normal life and I am broken.

How could I have been so wrong? Or is it her fault, for letting me believe, she was what I thought she was. Then again, who do I think she is? She is good and true, honest, brave. But she is none of these things just for me. I recognise the reason why it hurts so much. Her words of not wanting to die for me and to have a normal life haunt me, making me comprehend that I despise myself more than I do her. Her aptitude for causing me pain nothing compared to my desperate need just to have her in my life. I keep facilitating her with more and stronger weapons to use against me. To break me down with.

Maybe Michael has it right after all. Not letting anything close means no grief. But if I followed his advice, I would never have known how it felt to have loved or to think that she loved me back. Would never have known how it was to have her sit beside me, discussing the latest catastrophes or simply being able to kiss her. No, I wouldn't have known that. But it might have been better that way. Because now I know, and however much I want to erase it from my brain forever, I also know it is going to keep me warm when I'm going to feel at my coldest, give me hope, when there should only be fear and doubt. Memories are not all they're cracked up to be.

My newly found recollections of Antar come to life in blaring multicolour. The sounds and sights, smells, awaken in me. But somehow they don't feel like mine. Should I trust them? Should I trust Tess? Look at what happens to me when I trust. I feel someone's presence behind me, watching me watch, and watching what I watch. Not for long, they depart and all I can feel is just myself. Once again alone.

There is nothing here for me, so I turn myself away, every second my breath more laboured. I just know that if I stay, I'll walk to her ask her for one more chance, a bit more time. More understanding. More love from her, even if it is just make believe and even if only for tonight. But it will not be. Things are going to change, and I am the one who has to instigate the revolution.

I see Isabel and Alex on my way out, and I ask them to look out for Liz, make sure she gets home all right. At their questions, I try to explain that something's come up, nothing to worry about, but that I have to go. I can feel Isabel's concerned look as I walk away, but there is nothing I can do or say to placate her, so I give her a quick smile as I back off.

The door is heavy as I open it, and I am greeted by fresh air that makes my skin goose up. I stand, hands in pockets, for a moment, again unsure whether I should leave. The music is muffled out here, and I wish I could just go back for a minute, just to watch her. But I can't and so I leave. Maybe being by myself will help me deal with this. With this and everything else. Might make things easier to sort through in my head. I may even be able to come to a decision about something, if the mood strikes me. Or I might just go for a run and keep on running. An idea that I could actually start liking.

[cashmere]

Hi Tanya7496. Thanks for your feedback. You know what I find strange, the more time goes past, the more I understand why Max did what he did. Same as you, I love Liz, but the older I get, I think Max was in his right to turn to Tess.

Anyway, here is the first chapter. Hope you enjoy.



Chapter 1

I jumped in the river, what did I see?
Black-eyed angels swam with me
A moon full of stars and astral cars
All the figures I used to see
All my lovers were there with me
All my past and futures
And we all went to heaven in a little row boat
There was nothing to fear and nothing to doubt

Radiohead, Pyramid Song, Kid A

It has been close to 8 months since the day my mother from another life appeared before me and pronounced me a king. Tonight is the first time I actually feel remotely like one. Not because I have legions of people at my feet or that I am rich beyond comparison. No, nothing as glamorous as that. My legions tonight are the roads on which I run, the trees I pass bowing to me. Rich in pains of both heart and mind. This is my kingdom, and isn't it wonderful? My mother would be so proud.

The night air is silent, not even my feet make a sound as I run, and my breath is not heard over the mute wind. I feel like I could run forever. My lung and legs, feet, are burning. I feel my blood pumping around my body. I decide that this is my freedom, my drug, my church, my god. This will be the only thing I will ever again bow down to, trust and believe in.

Am I being too harsh? Is the rift between myself and Isabel and Michael not repairable? Do I have to completely destroy it and build it anew or can I just heal it back to what our relationship was before? Before what though? Are our lives really that much different now than they were? I choose to make this better, to make Isabel and Michael understand what I am doing, to make them see that this is the way that I can carry on. Not the easiest option, but maybe I am sick and tired of taking the easy way, the road more travelled.

What about Tess? Does she really believe in me the way she wants me to think? Ever since New York I can feel a difference in her, or maybe the change is in me. Maybe I have accepted her. Maybe she is not what she seems, and my trust, I fear, is misplaced in her. She has been nothing but a good friend to me. Her support in New York was invaluable. Yet still there is something that doesn't make sense, and I doubt that I will ever be able to put my finger on it.

And then there is a certain girl, called Liz Parker....

I try to clear my mind and push myself harder, willing my legs to carry me further away. I want to leave everything behind. Myself the most. I can't remember where I heard it, but there is a saying 'wherever you go, there you are', that, for some reason, I can't get out of my head. I say it in time with my steps, over and over and over and over. Maybe this will be my new mantra.

The street ahead of me is empty, a car parked here or there, and I use the bright white line down the middle to guide me. I turn to see a cat leaving a house in darkness through the cat flap. It sits and watches me, as if it heard me coming and wanted to cheer me on. See, another loyal subject come to see the king. In the distance I hear a car starting. I decide that I will carry on running for another hour. Hopefully my parents should already be in bed, but another hour will guarantee it.

Upon my return from the prom, I found my mother sitting in the living room. She saw me and started asking questions, which I didn't want to answer, so I excused myself and said that I was not feeling well and had come home to go to bed. She was worried, though I didn't really give her time to say anything else, as I made my escape to my room. I locked the doors and opened the window, got the pillow from my bed and lay down. Feet resting on the sill, I watched the stars above. Watched planets and suns far away revolve. Watched dark clouds crawling along the sky. All of this, infinite and eternal. Nothing that I do or say, nothing I can change or feel will ever make a difference in that space. It is beyond my control. A space where there is nothing to fear. A universe where there is nothing to doubt, because there is nothing. And nothing will ever hurt me; nothing will ever break me down.

As I run I try and steal glances at the sky. But my attention is never up there for long. It is called back to the road that I run, my track, my path, my course.

A shadow passes in the distance, and I hear a motorcycle. Getting closer I recognise the silhouette and its owner. He is sitting expectantly on his bike, as if he were the king and I was his subject. Lifting the helmet I almost feel his reproaching look.

'What happened to you?' He asks me in prickly tones.

'Nothing.' I stop before him, standing straight, chest out. Level my eyes at his, asking for him to fight or to submit. As I'd expected, he fights.

'This is nothing?' He hangs the helmet off his handle bar, swings his leg over the seat of his bike and stands. Walking towards me, I realise that the anger his words were drenched in, is also reflected in his face. 'Isabel is going out of her mind at home, not knowing what is going on.' He is drawing battle lines in the sand, waiting for me to cross them. 'Tess was worried, so were Maria and Liz.'

The line, now so clear and distinct between us, is all I can concentrate on. Liz was worried.

'We're afraid something is going on, something wrong, something bad, and our leader and king goes for a run?' His voice is just below shouting. His stance, aggressive and hostile.

'It helps clear my mind.' I see confusion on his face. He looks behind him down the road and then back to me. I crossed the battle line, without raising my hand, without pushing him, without attacking. 'Why do we have to be like this?' I ask him simply.

'Like this?' again he looks around him, this time left and right. 'Like what, Maxwell?' He raises his shoulders.

'Fighting each other?' I tilt my head. 'Those people who created us, they don't know us. They've never known us, they will never know US. And yet here we are, light-years away from a planet we can never call home, being told what to do, and how to feel.' I keep my voice steady and even, words slow. 'We don't have to fight each other anymore. I am not your king, you are not my second in command.' I take step towards him. 'Michael, we're friends, brothers.' and another step.

'Are you drunk?' He asks me quietly.

'What if I told you that you were right all along?'

'Right about what?'

'Right about everything. That this wasn't our home, that we needed to leave. What would you say.'

'I'd say that you'd lost your mind.' He pushes his hands through his hair.

'Do you trust me?' I ask, drawing my own lines, though he doesn't see them.

'What is going on?' He shouts. 'What are you doing?'

'Do you trust me?' I ask again, my words louder this time, sharper.

'What?'

'I need to know if my brother trusts me.' I look at him and try to stare him out.

He stands in silence, puzzled by my behaviour. 'Yes.' he says quietly.

'Show me.' I order. Stare turning to something more fierce and determined.

'How would you like me to do that?' He inquires. 'Do you want me to let you ride my bike, should we play chicken?' his sarcasm is not lost on me.

'Show me by stopping this.' I tell him.

'Stop what?' He looks away.

'Trying to make me angry.' I nod sadly. I won the staring contest, but not the battle. 'Who do you want me to be?' I ask.

His eyes return to me. He doesn't know, has never known. He's confused by me asking.

'I am not Hank.' I tell him. 'I am not your father or king. I will not command you. I will ask you, as my brother, my friend.' I try to show him sympathy, but he doesn't recognise it. He only sees pity.

'Yeah right!'

'Don't you understand that I am not prepared in doing this anymore?' my control on my voice is slipping and it comes out louder than I intended. I see his body flinch. In his mind he is triumphant, I have shown my weakness. 'You tell me you don't want me to lead you, but expect me to take charge. You tell me you can make your own decisions, but hold me responsible for the outcome.' I start circling him. 'You want to grow and expand, but expect me to stay static and void.' I stop in front of him and attack. 'Who do you want me to be?' Jaw firm, eyes unwavering, fists at the ready, I await his pounce, his assault.

Maybe it wasn't a good idea to do this now, to ask him to decide, but I have to know to move on. Maybe I am asking him to cross the rift too soon. Maybe

I caught him by surprise. Unknowing, unsure, uncertain. His mind so full of doubt.

'Trust me.' I ask, relinquishing the upper hand. Asking him to join me on my side. I have shown my cards, I now need to see his.

I try to hold my breath, try to stop this moment from disappearing. I know, as soon as he decides it will forever be changed, never be like now. He will still be sarcastic, ill humoured and sulk, but he will know not to push me. Or he will have pushed, and I will be gone. Make or break, ruin or glory.

He stares at the road just in front of my running shoes. I see his thoughts forming and him interpreting the situation. He is far more intelligent than he leads the world to believe, but I know. And he knows that I know. He knows what I am doing, and his acceptance will mean everything. And so I stand, and await his judgement, his understanding. His love.

'Ok.' is his quiet answer.

[cashmere]

Hi all,

thanks Sylvia37, begonia9508 and mlover25 for your feedback.

here's the next part. Hope you like.

Thanks
Cashmere

Chapter 2


This is the last time
That I will say these words
I remember the first time
The first of many lies
Sweep it into the corner
Or hide it under the bed
Say these things they go away
But they never do
Something I wasn't sure of
But I was in the middle of
Something I forget now
But I've seen too little of
The last time
You fall on me for anything you like
Your one last line
You fall on me for anything you like
And years make everything alright
You fall on me for anything you like
And I no I don't mind
Keane, Last Time, Hopes and Fears


Watching the red light disappear down the road, I stand. My breath is even, slow. My heart is racing. Nothing is won, nothing is lost. The night’s silence creeps back around me, and I feel utterly alone. I start running again.

I chase the darkness across the streets. Shadows appear and disappear in the street lights. My own shadow travelling in front, then underneath and then behind me, front, underneath, behind, front, underneath, behind. The sky above me shows the first signs of dawn, fingers scratching their way across the blackness. Ripping into the dark and tearing it open, letting the purple light ooze from its wounds.

My hair is sticky with sweat, t-shirt clinging. Even though I am hot from running, my face, hands and legs are cold. The night’s chill not letting go. I wonder what it would be like to have frost bite. Would you feel the pain of your skin, nerves and tissue slowly dying, or would you just feel numb?

Climbing through my window, I find Isabel curled up on my bed. Wearing pyjamas, free of make-up and hair back into a ponytail. She looks innocent and pure. Like a girl her age should.

I grab clean clothes and head to the bathroom, where I stand under the hot spray of the shower. My mind is still running, still sprinting and I need it to stop. I let the water wash away my tiredness, my pain, the feeling of emptiness in the pit of my stomach.

I return, to find her awake and sitting up. Worry etched on her features. I walk past her to my desk. The silence between us is crinkling with our mutual frustrations. I feel her gaze on me, her emotions coming across clearly.

‘You’re ok.’ It’s a statement, not a question.

‘Yes. And No.’ I look at her over my shoulder, still my hands. She turns on the bed to face me.

‘I was worried. You leaving prom, and then when I got home you weren’t here. Mom thought you were asleep.’ Her concern turning to anger.

‘I went for a run.’ I inform her. My attention is back on the paperwork scattered across my table. I try to convey regret at her worry. I try to fill myself with calmness, serenity, composure. I try to relax my shoulders, facial muscles, back and hands. I want to feel the affection of tranquillity. The lazy love of stillness.

‘Where to?’ She asks, a little less hostile.

‘All around.’ I cross my arms on my chest and turn to face her.

‘Why do I bother?’ she stands, walks to the door and is about to leave, her protest at my behaviour, my punishment is her ignoring me. Before she knows I am at her side, gently holding her elbow. Her look is empty, her anger and hurt having become such a part of her that she doesn’t feel right without them.

‘We need to talk.’ I try to convince her. She halts my attempts at leading her back to the bed.

‘Why?’ she asks, a petulant child. I release her, gesture my hand to the bed in invitation and watch her slowly move towards it.

I smile, getting the desk chair for myself. We sit in silence, she’s sizing me up, looking for weak spots. Looking for the best place to strike. She returns my gaze, irritable.

‘I’m sorry if I made you worry.’ I apologise, sincerely. ‘Stuff on my mind lately and I feel like I can actually think clearly for the first time in ages.’

‘Why’s that?’ her demeanour eases.

‘I don’t know, but I realised something at prom… and I just couldn’t stay anymore, so I left.’ I lean forward on my elbows, observing my feet. ‘I know you’ve been dealing with a lot of things recently. So have I, so has everybody.’ I see a glint of anger in her eyes, I didn’t mean to belittle her problems, make her trouble seem as trivial as other people’s. And I caused most of those problems.

She remains silent, this still being part of my punishment. Her show of reluctance of being here.

I understand she is expecting more from me, but I don’t want to rush. I lean back. During the last couple of years I have taken up the control of us quite easily, it was not discussed, never mentioned, never talked about. Somehow she knew that I would pilot us, guide us through this. However, since that day in September, I know she’s had second thoughts. Wondered why she should follow me, when I could be blinded so easily, lose our way without even trying. I made us wander off our path, dropped my attention long enough to land us into more trouble than we have ever know, ever hoped to know. I closed my eyes for a second and the light was gone, and I stumbled, pulling everybody down with me.

‘Just, I wanted to ask you a favour.’ I scratch my eyebrow. My gaze wanders to her, and I let her see the hurt and anger in me. I let her see my fears, my nightmares, my enemies. The doubts that have been plaguing me, freezing my actions, stopping me from doing what I should have done, following the course I should have taken.

‘What’s the favour?’ She asks after I remain silent.

‘Talk to me. That’s my favour.’ I take her hand in mine. ‘Don’t turn your back. Tell me I’m an ass, tell me to shut up, throw things, shout, scream. But please just talk to me. Don’t lie to me, don’t go behind my back, don’t think that I won’t understand. If I ever act like I did, just tell me about this moment. Remind me, help me. I can’t go through anything like this again.’ I plead. I will my eyes to clear, I order the tears that are threatening to spill to vanish.

‘Ok.’ She nods, swallowing. ‘As long as you do me a favour back.’

Expectantly I regard her, waiting for her to tell me what she wants me to do.

‘Do the same.’

I move, hug her tightly, and nod as she releases me. We sit in silence, watching each other, smiling, happy to have gotten some equilibrium back.

‘So what happened?’ She asks, embarrassed at the truce and elated feelings it has caused to come rushing out of us.

‘Liz told me it was over.’ I lean back in my seat and regard her, gauge her reaction.

She doesn’t seem surprised. I have obviously been deluding myself and am the last to know and understand.

‘That’s why you left?’

‘Yeah.’

‘I am sorry, you know. But… this is a good thing, right? She’s let you go to move on.’ She watches for signs of loss on my face.

‘No, it’s not.’ I shake my head sadly. ‘Things with you and Alex seem to be going well.’ I change the subject.

An awkward smile graces her lips and she’s lost in thoughts of him. ‘Yeah, they’re going well.’ She replies.

‘Good for you to finally let somebody in. Apart from Michael and me.’

‘Yeah it is.’ She looks up at me, silently seeking acceptance for this thing she has with Alex.

‘When did we change?’ I inquire.

‘Change?’

‘This, we never had to do stuff like this before. When did we stop trusting each other. Stop trusting ourselves?’ She ponders my question. ‘Two years ago we were this separate unit, now we’re just separate.’ I look at her. ‘We’ve been through so much, and instead of us getting closer we have disconnected. Why have we gone backwards instead of forwards?’ my sadness is reflected in her eyes.

‘We have learnt so much, but all it has done is raise more questions.’ She agrees with me.

‘I am sorry.’ I say, wishing that I could take it all back, make it all ok again.

‘So am I.’ She says. She knows the trouble in my heart, feels it aswell. She stands up and leans over to take me into her arms, squeezing me tightly.

I stay seated as I watch her leave my room. I know it hasn’t resolved anything, but I feel better.

[cashmere]

Happy Monday everybody!!!

sylvia37 and begonia 9508... many thanks for your feedback!

Hope you enjoy the next part.


Chapter 3


Give me back my point of view
'Cause I just can't think for you
I can hardly hear you say
What should I do, well you choose
Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
Oh well, it seems like such fun
Until you lose what you had won
Jet, Look what you’ve done, Get Born

Sleep did not visit me. She did not wrap her tender arms around me. She did not hush my fears and sing me lullabies. Her soft hair did not cover my face, close my eyes or ease my heart. Sleep did not sweep away my doubts, my aches, my pains. She decided to stay away. Away from me, and to be honest, I am relieved she did.

Lying on my bed, I devise my battle plans, my survival codes, my fighting tactics. I extinguish my pain, by inflicting it in my imagination on others, faceless beings that have no meaning in my life, whose lives have no affect on mine.

The sun salutes this boy, whose heart feels like a man. Extending soft rays of greeting that do nothing to warm me. Rays of light that do nothing to guide my way through the darkness. This darkness of my own creation, my own willing, my own making.

I hear sounds around the house. My parents are up. I cannot face them, do not want their sight on me, do not want them to realise that I am, who I am. Their acceptance is not what I seek, it is their love I require, and how can you love something you don’t know or understand. Whose very being is something that you are unaware of.

I have to get out, have to feel the air on my face. There are other people I need to see. Whose knowledge of me runs deeper.

This body of mine stands without my orders and stretches. Takes a hold of doors and opens them, lifts my feet and walks me quietly through the house. I pass by the kitchen and I see pictures of a family having breakfast. I stop, wishing to join in, wishing that I was this normal person that could let go and enter their private club, could sit and talk about nothing and everything. But I do not, cannot.

The roads before our house are quiet, awaking silently. And I walk, I walk and let these feet take me to my destination. I am not unwilling, but I wish I had more time, more space to think. I walk and look at the world surround me, the pebbles on a neighbour’s drive-way. I watch the forms the shadows of leaves from a tree are making on the ground, as they are bounced around by the wind. I walk and I see the vast sky, the vast horizon, space. I arrive at my destination and I stand, regarding the house before me, observing the blades of grass as I walk to the door.

My hand rings the bell, and I stand and wait. The door is opened and I am granted entry. Hesitant steps inside. Hushed tones from the kitchen, and then she appears, hair dishevelled, eyes still full of sleep.

‘Morning.’ She greets me.

I simply nod.

‘You want coffee or something?’ I accept her offer and she leads me to the living room. ‘What’s going on?’ She asks, taking her locks and tying them together at the nape of her neck.

‘I came to talk.’

‘I gathered that.’ She smiles. ‘What about?’ She turns, locates the remote control and switches the tv onto mute. For a moment, I watch the cartoons flash across the screen.

‘Everything.’ I answer. ‘Nothing.’

‘About last night?’ At my nodding she continues. ‘What happened, you had us all worried.’ She leans further towards me.

‘I just had to get out.’ I reply.

‘Oh.’ Her mouth stays pursed. The only word that actually looks like it sounds, like it is written.

I regard her silently for a moment. Her blond hair curling at the nape of her neck, the sleep having left her eyes, now alert and wide. If it hadn't been for our 'status' I doubt I would have ever gone out of my way to seek this girl out, either for friendship or anything else. However, we are connected by an invisible cord, that cannot be broken. It binds us not because we have a future, but because we once lived a past. A past only she can remember, a past only she wants to relive.

‘I’ve been thinking… about everything.’

She stays silent, eyeing me cautiously.

‘I mean, I get this whole past life thing, but…’ Again I loose my thoughts. Her closeness is affecting me, raising my awareness of all things around me. I feel alert and willing, though not in desire, it is more of a wish to combat.

‘You’re not comfortable with it.’ She finishes my sentence and leans back. Away from me, away from my feelings, away from my rejection.

‘No. I feel like they are somebody else’s memories. Somebody else felt those things, saw them, heard them.’ I too lean into the chair, wanting to give the words I uttered space to grow, to make themselves known, for them to manifest themselves.

She cannot hide her sadness. ‘Look, if you’ve come over here to tell me, again, that we’re just friends, then don’t worry, I got it. Loud and clear. There is no confusion on my part.’ She pushes her hands up her face.

‘That’s not what I was trying to say.’ I manage to catch her by surprise. ‘What I was trying to say, was that although they were somebody else’s feelings, I understand why you feel the way you do.’

‘You do?’

‘Yeah, and I am sorry for acting the way that I did.’ I slowly nod my head.

‘You are?’ She mirrors my motions.

‘Yeah, and even though I only have friendship to give you at the moment, I hope that we can work something out.’ Friend close, enemies closer I think to myself.

Kyle enters the room, steaming mug in each hand. He places them on the table in front of us.

He regards first Tess then myself. I smile, inviting him to join us.

‘How have you been?’ I ask.

‘Good, good. You?’ He absentmindedly asks.

‘Ok.’ I reply. ‘No evil aliens planning on killing us, or taking over the world. Couldn’t be better.’ I look back at Tess who is regarding Kyle sadly.

There is a spark between them that I have never witnessed before. A small flickering of emotion that both have hidden behind their facades, untouched, buried away.

‘You had us all worried yesterday.’ He simply states. ‘Good that you’re ok.’ He moves, and returns the sound to the tv, flicks his legs over the side of his chair and is engrossed.

I am fascinated by his ease, his confidence, his faith. Anger stirs in my stomach, my limbs. My gaze turns to staring. I wish I could find out what it was like to hold her like he did, to kiss her just at that precise moment, to find out if she smiled that little smile she used to show me, to him. Did she give him as much of herself as she would have given me? And he knows. He knows and is just sitting there as if nothing happened, nothing occurred, nothing transpired.

I feel Tess’ hand on my shoulder, and break away from my thoughts. I turn to see her concerned look.

‘Are you ok?’ She mouths.

I nod, without conviction. ‘Would you mind if I have a quick word with Kyle in private?’ I ask, turning my eyes back on him.

She shifts, obviously uncomfortable, looks from Kyle to me and back at Kyle.

‘Course.’ She picks up her mug of coffee, and starts to walk away. ‘I’ll just be in the kitchen.’ She says, more as a signal to Kyle than directed at me.

I sit and nod, observe as Kyle sees Tess’ retreat, notices that we are alone, a quick flash of panic shoot across his face, before he puts his mug down.

‘I need to ask you a few questions?’ I tell him.

He moves his legs back into the normal sitting position, leans forward and looks me directly in the face. ‘Shoot away.’

‘It’s about that night, you and Liz…’ I stammer. ‘You and Liz… ‘

‘Now, Evans, we’ve never been close, and recently you’ve not only treated me like the lowest form of pond scum, but you’ve also helped my father loose his job, loose the livelihood that kept this family’s head above water…’ He leans back into his chair. ‘What makes you think you can come in here and ask me questions about Liz?’

I regard my hands. He is right, absolutely correct. But something in the very center of my being is screaming for the answers and I can’t help but follow what this path.

‘I mean, it’s bad enough being pulled into your spats every time you have one, but you know, enough is enough.’ He stops, I lift my head and our gaze’s meet. ‘I don’t want to be the sitting duck in the middle anymore. If the two of you can’t sort this out…I mean it’s getting ridiculous. She makes you think she’s slept with her ex, you run off during prom. Get a grip, the two of you!’

His words, specially 8 of them, ring in my ears, repeat over and over and over. My eyes widen, taking in Kyle’s oblivious gaze, and I realize that he doesn’t know. He doesn’t know that I didn’t know. He’s not realised that he has given her away, given me the piece that completes the puzzle. I try to remain calm, composed.

I nod. ‘You’re right, and I am sorry that I pulled you into this.’ I gulp down the rest of my coffee and stand up. ‘I am really sorry. For everything.’ Kyle looks at me. ‘Well, I better be off. See you around.’ I walk to the kitchen, where I find Tess at the table, pouring over the mornings paper. Her gaze lifts as I enter.

‘Everything ok?’ she asks.

‘Yeah, thanks.’ I put the mug on the counter. ’Look, main reason for me coming over was to… say what I did. And to make sure you were ok.’ I look at her intently. ‘There’s a lot going on at the moment, and I wanted to thank you for being there, supporting me through everything.’ I try a smile, but am not sure I pull it off.

‘That’s ok.’ Is all she says.

‘Right, well, I think I’d better go.’ I tell her, walking to the front door. She follows me and holds it open as I exit the house.

‘Have a good weekend.’ I tell her. ‘Maybe you fancy meeting up tomorrow. You know, all of us?’ I ask.

‘Sure. Sounds good.’ Nodding she closes the door. ‘Bye.

The roads before house are busy. People going about their business as on any other Saturday. And I walk, I walk and let these feet take me to my destination. I walk and observe the blades of grass as I walk away, look at the world surround me. I walk and I see the vast sky, the vast horizon, space. I walk, and let these feet take me to where I know I have to go.


Guys - any feedback would be really appreciated. Thanks, Cashmere

[cashmere]

Hello everybody. Happy Monday, once again. Seems like the weeks are just flying past. Just a quick update on the story.... there is one more chapter in this series and I am currently working on the second series, though it is taking a little longer. The last part will be posted next week.

Hope you like....

katydid, begonia9508, angeleyes, sylvia37 and EclecticRoswellian, many thanks for the feedback.

Cashmere

Chapter 4


It don't matter, when you turn
Gonna Survive, you live and learn
I've been thinking about you, baby
By the light of dawn, a midnight blue ...
day and night ... I've been missing you.
I've been thinking about you, baby.
Almost makes me crazy,
Come and live with me.
Either way, Win or Lose,
When you're born into trouble,
You live the blues,
I've been thinking about you, baby.
See it almost makes me crazy
Times, Nothing's right, if you ain't here
I'll give all that I have, just to keep you near
I wrote you a letter, I tried to, make it clear
You just don't believe that I’m sincere
I've been thinking about you, baby.
Massive Attack, Live with me, Collected


There is nothing I can do but sit here and stare. Stare at the space that is separating us, space that is keeping us apart. Space, not only physical but mental, tangible, figurative, concrete, staring right back at me, pointing and laughing.

Liz greeted me with a small smile. Looking up from wiping a table in the far corner as I entered, the bell announcing my arrival. She moved to the table of my choice, I sat and gave her my order. She stood before me, seemingly nervous and conscious of the only other customer at another table. Eyes down, then looking at me, back down and then glancing side to side before returning to me. Liz stood for a few seconds of silence, as if she wanted to say something, but decided against it. I wish I could hold her here, stop her from leaving without uttering what is on her mind.

She went behind the counter, to prepare my drink, looking over to where I sat every couple of seconds, as if to check that I was still there. That she had not imagined me being there, that she wasn’t subject to a malicious hallucination. And I kept watching, didn’t loose sight of her for a second. Watched as she walked back to me, drink in hand, gingerly putting it in front of me.

I raised my eyes to her. ‘I need to talk to you.’

She lowered her gaze.

‘When is your break?’ I ask

‘Agnes should be starting in half an hour, I can take a break then.’ She nodded slowly.

‘Did you want me to wait on your balcony?’ I inquire.

‘Ok.’ She moves away, back to the only other person in the café, asks if he needs anything else. As she walks past him, I see him looking at me. A feeling of familiarity washes over me, though I disregard it as I down my drink and get up to leave.

And so I sit and wait for a couple of minutes, drink some of my drink and stand to leave. I drop money onto the counter on my way out. She turns from the coffee machine to look at me, but quickly returns her attention to her work. I step away, at the door I turn, find her gaze and give a small smile.

‘’-‘’

I lie on the lawn chair, fully reclined, watching clouds. Watching the sun’s trek. Watching fluff dance before me, a little dance of seduction, asking me to join it and be weightless, carefree and willing. I want to be free of this form, I want to have no responsibilities, I want to not care. However, whatever I do, wherever I go, whoever I become, I will never be able to change that I do care.

And so I sit and wait for the longest half an hour to pass, before she is before me and I can finally put my demons to rest. Along with my broken heart. The heart that died at 8 little words, uttered in ignorance, in unawareness, without meaning to or realising that they had given the whole game away. These words winning the war without even trying to fight, without even being part of the battle. Cutting me right to the core, running me through, striking at the one point I am weakest. Stroking my fire of doubt into an inferno.

I sit and try to watch the world pass by. A world I fear I will never be a part of, not fully. I will always be on the sidelines, always just out of reach of this existence, like a player sitting on the bench, just waiting for his turn to join the game.

I hear her door opening quietly, her soft steps across her room, the window opening and her climbing through. I turn to watch her stand up, dusting off her uniform, pulling her cardigan closer around herself, her protection, her bullet proof vest.

She walks tentatively towards me and I swing my legs over the side of the chair, offering her the space I vacated, but she stands shaking her head.

I sit and stare at the space that is separating us, space that is keeping us apart. Saddened that she will not come closer, will not close the proximity between us.

‘I was worried about you last night.’ Her voice close to a whisper.

‘I’m sorry.’ I reply

She turns and picks up a cushion, brings it over and places it at the other end of the chair, sits down graciously and regards me with guarded eyes. The silence between us, lazily comes to life, stretching its arms out, yawning. It’s expanse filling the space between us with stillness, quiet.

‘I know.’ I state. Simple, two words. Lower my eyes to my feet. When she doesn’t reply I turn to look at her.

Her gaze reaches my eyes, questioning my statement. ‘I’m sorry?’

‘Why you said what you did.’ I smile sadly. ‘Man we’ve manage to really screw this up.’ I weave my hand through my hair and rest my aching head in it’s cradle, still looking at her.’

‘And you agree?’ She asks me, leaning right, leaning against the chair.

‘I don’t know anymore.’ I reply honestly. ‘What you said, it makes sense to me. I understand. Holding on to you has started to hurt too much. I don’t think I can do it anymore.’ Her silence eggs me on. ‘I can’t carry this weight around anymore. This weight of needing you.’ I swallow deeply. ‘Wanting to touch you everytime I see you, hold you close. I can’t. I won’t. I must not do this. It’s killing you, and it’s killing me.’ I watch her eyes turn sad, tears pooling. ‘But then I found out something that I think changes everything.’

Liz starts fidgeting with the button on her cardigan. She thinks it’s the bad news, the final truth, the horrible conclusion. ‘Something about your past life?’ She asks quietly.

‘No, nothing like that.’ I say wearily. ‘About you.’

‘Me?’ She looks perplexed.

‘Yeah, you.’ I cannot help myself but to reach for her, cup her face. She relents for a moment, but pulls away, closing her eyes.

‘You see, that day, when you left me at the caves, I thought it was me, there was something about me that you couldn’t accept, couldn’t love. Be it destiny, or whatever path you thought I should follow, didn’t and doesn’t matter to me. I have never cared for, nor will ever care for it, yet you kept holding it up infront of me, telling me that this is what I wanted. ‘ I can’t swallow the sarcastic chuckle from escaping. ‘Then you cut me out of your life completely, don’t let me talk to you, don’t let me near you, and then once you’re back, you want us to be friends. Yet all this time, our connection was telling me something different. I knew, or thought I knew that this wasn’t all we would ever have, because I could still read you, and I know that you can still read me, feel whenever I was near, know me.’ I stop when she starts to shake her head. She crosses her arms, her defence mechanism kicking in. ‘And then you sleep with Kyle. And you never told me why. You tell me it just happened, yet I know… I know deep down inside that you are not the type of person to do something like that, with just anybody.’ I managed to keep my voice low and my words slow, but I can feel the hurt and anger building in my throat, constricting the words I utter, soaking them in resentment. I take a deep breath.

‘There is nothing else I can tell you, Max.’ Liz tells me.

‘I think there is. Why would you come to my room and tell me what you did? Use exactly the words you knew I never wanted to hear, especially from you. Normal? If you want normal, why aren’t you with Kyle? Why aren’t the two of you swanning off into the sunset, why are you still here, with me?’ I stand up, walk to the side of her balcony and look over the side to the street below.

Her presence is too much for my senses. I feel her encircling me, enveloping me, and I cannot fight it anymore. Putting some distance between us lessens her effect. She is silent, and when I feel my emotions calming down, I turn back to her. ‘Why would you pretend to sleep with Kyle? How did you even know I was going to be there? Why would you do something like that? Am I really that repulsive to you, that you have to create entire scenarios to keep me from you?’ I cannot help but shed the tears that have been waiting for so long to spill from my eyes, my heart and my head. ‘Why are you doing this to me?’ I ask, my voice completely betraying me.

A look of pure shock is visible on her face, and I cannot tell if it is embarrassment at being found out or anger of me finally knowing the truth that makes her blush. Is she furious with me for knowing this little secret she so desperately tried to keep from me?

‘How did you find out?’ She finally asks me, her voice strained, the words being pushed out of her by sheer force of will.

‘Does it really matter?’ I inquire. ‘Isn’t the important part that I finally know?’

‘Who told you?’ she shouts at me. She stands up on uncertain legs and starts to walk to me. ‘You were never to know.’

‘Why? Why shouldn’t I know? Why is so important to you, to make me think that you slept with Kyle? What does that change?’

‘It was to make you stop!’ Her voice hitches, as her tears are given free will.

‘Make me stop what?’ I ask. ‘Stop loving you?’ I ask. ‘Guess what, congratulations. It’s worked.’ The tone and volume of my voice gives my anger away. She steps back as if my words physically hit her. Her sobs stop, and a look of utter pain crosses her features.

‘But that was what you wanted? Wasn’t it?’ I ask.

She shakes her head vehemently, her sobs starting anew. I see her form crumble infront of me, and I rush to her side to catch her before she hits the floor. I hold her close, try to ease her tears.

‘Why? Why?’ Is all I can ask her, over and over.

‘There was nothing I could do, I tried everything, but you wouldn’t let go.’ She whispers into my shoulder. Her hands gripping the back of my shirt, as if she was holding on to dear life, as if I was her lifeline, her rope to safety, her protection.

And so I sit and wait for her tears to slow, for my aches to lessen, for our doubts to disappear, for our fear to vanish, before talking. For now I just want to hold her for the last time, keep her close to me, breath in her scent, will my memory to take in every shimmer, every nuance, every slither of detail, before burying it somewhere deep inside of me.

And so I sit and wait.

[cashmere]

Hi guys....

Well this is it... the final chapter, the last part... the ending (or is it the beginning???). Well I have to say that it's been fun, and will be interesting to see what you think....

As always, many thanks to sylvia37 and begonia9508. Thank you so much for your feedback.

Here goes, hope you like, or at least enjoy.


Chapter 5


Everybody says that they’re looking for a shelter,
Got a lot to give but I don't know how to help her,
I should just let it go till they learn how to grow,
And how to liberate.
Everybody says that she's looking for a shelter,
Got a lot to give but I don't know how I felt her,
They should just let it go till these cities learn to grow,
And how to liberate.
Silence is easy, it just becomes me,
You don't even know me, all lie about me.
Starsailor, Silence is Easy, Silence is Easy


I feel numb, drained of any emotion I might have had. The anger and confusion at her betrayal and lies dissipating. My hurt and regret seeping out of me, oozing its way into the shadows never to be seen again. Is there something I could have done that would have changed it? Had she left me any other choice than to do what I did? Believe what I did? Say what I did? Whose at fault, whose to blame, who can I point the finger at and ask? No, none, nothing, nobody.

She loves me. She still loves me, just the same as I still love her. Yet, that is not enough, will never be enough, will never make this right, or easy or fix anything. We will continuously be a circle of love and hurt, loving each other, but hurting each other because of our love. Was she right in saying that we should let each other go? I don’t know anymore, all I know is that there is nowhere else in the world, or in the whole universe, that I would rather be. No other person that I would rather hold onto, rather love, than her. No other person I could trust to hurt me the way that she hurts me, right down to the very core of my being, to destroy this very thing that I am.

The release of finally being here is washing over me, like a river swallowing us up into its dark and deep torrents, taking us down to the very bottom of it’s existence, carrying us away in its dark and murky water. I know it is still morning, that the light of the sun is bearing down on us, that we are sitting on her balcony, that I am who I am, that she is who she is, and yet at the same time, we are nothing, we are one, we are in that river, letting the waters take us where it will. A place where our past and future don’t exist, where there is nothing, nobody, where we do not exist, matter or care. Where there is nothing to fear, nothing to doubt.

I feel every part of my body, just as I feel every part of hers. Every breath I take, she takes, every beat of my heart, I hear her heart echo. Every rush of blood, every electronic blib in our nervous system, every brainwave I feel in myself, I do in her. Every muscle spasm, every bone movement, every atom of my body, of her body, of our body. And I hold onto that body, tightly, encircle it, clutch it with all my might.

The waters subside. Her sobs quieten, my tears drying in their tracks. We are still holding on to each other, silently apologising for each of our mistakes, for our doubts, for the fears we put into the other’s heart, mind and soul.

I feel her hands release my shirt, slide down my back and return to her side. Feel her head move from it’s resting place on my shoulder back, her eyes seeking mine. I let her go, release her, and I feel us as two. Separate, divided, disconnected, split, individual.

My hand finds her cheek and I wipe away the signs of her tears, show her a gentle smile. We both know everything will be okay, though how, is still undecided.

‘I’m sorry.’ Her voice is so small, I hardly hear her.

I nod, completely detaching myself from her. ‘Sorry for crying or for everything else?’ I ask tenderly.

‘Everything, nothing, for crying, for holding onto you, and getting tear stains on your shirt.’ She says, wiping her hand over my shoulder.

I am pleased at her grin, her embarrassed smile at marking my clothes. ‘Well I would like to say that I forgive you, but I’m not sure if I can.’ I stroke her hair, gently tuck it behind her ear. ‘I don’t know anything anymore.’ I lean back, regard her for a second, then push myself up. I hold out my hand to her, offering her help, but she shakes her head.

‘I never meant to hurt you.’ She says, raising herself slowly. ‘I am so sorry that you felt, and feel the way you do.’

‘’I just don’t understand why you thought lying to me was the way forward. If you wanted out, you could have just told me.’ I speak, slowly, calmly.

She nods. ‘Yeah, I could have. And I tried.’ A little smile appears. ‘But you weren’t listening to me.’ We stand together, close, yet worlds apart and I can feel the distance growing again. A few minutes ago we were one, now we are two.

‘What exactly is the reason why you don’t want to be with me?’ I ask. ‘Why you don’t want me?’ I swallow and prepare myself for her answer, not really wanting to hear, but knowing that if we are to move past this I have to hear, have to understand.

Holding her hands before her chest, she regards her fingers. ‘It’s not that I don’t want to be with you, or that I…’ She sighs. ‘Or that I don’t want you. It’s just that I am not meant to be there, am not supposed to be with you, am not allowed to love you.’ She forces out.

‘Says who?’ I inquire.

‘My heart. My head.’ She tries to smile, though she falters and I see tears pooling in her eyes. ‘I’m sorry. I wish I could change everything that has happened. Stop it from happening again. Stop it happening in the future.’ She pulls her hair back into a ponytail, then drops her hands to her side. ‘I wish things could be different. I do care for you.’ She stops at my look. ‘I do love you.’ She reassures me, emphasising the word love. ‘It’s just that it isn’t enough.’

I nod. There is nothing I can say. Nothing I can give. I feel empty and am filled only by her words. We stand in silence for a couple of moments, both uncomfortable. I clear my throat. ‘Ok. Well I guess I should get going.’ I reach out, and find that she has taken a step towards me, opened her arms and is hugging me. With all my might I hug her back. We disentangle, and both smirk, embarrassed.

‘I think I am just going to stay here for a minute, get myself sorted. I’m sure Agnes is going crazy downstairs.’

‘Ok.’ I walk to edge, swing over my leg at the ladder and start my descend. As my view of her disappears, I stop. ‘You know, you still haven’t told me why… why the lies, the deceit, the deception.’

I’ve stopped her in her tracks, standing by the window, she turns, looks at me and smiles a sad smile. ‘Because it was you.’ Is all she says, before bending through the window and climbing back into her bedroom.

Her words do nothing to clear my confusion, nothing to answer any questions. Yet I feel like this is a new beginning, a new start. A brand new day, with clean slates, clear consciousness, pure thoughts. Unsoiled, uncontaminated, unpolluted.

I begin my descent again, and as my feet hit the road, I start to run. Run, run, run, wherever my feet will take me.

The End....