Title: Thoughts Unspoken
Author: Angel Parker... angelof7days@hotmail.com
Banner By: Me... Angel Parker
Category: Liz POV/Dreamer/Hints of UC.
Rating: Mature...
Disclaimer: All TV characters are copyright of their original owner, I do not own them in anyway shape or form... I'm just having fun borrowing them.
Setting: A follow up to Broken Time. (Note: I highly recommend you read it before reading this one.) What's happened since that day in the Crashdown. Will Liz be able to move past the events that changed her life forever and find a future that was stolen away? Or will she be trapped by a past that is not her own? This story is part of the Multiverse series.
When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I
Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.
~ Fix You, Coldplay
I've been trying to forget him...
Trying to forget the way his eyes bored into my soul and bonded us in a single second. It's crazy trying to forget the one person who made me feel alive. Who opened up the possibilities of this world and so many more with a simple touch. Yet that is what I've been trying to do every single day.
Forgetting Max Evans is an impossible task, his warm brown eyes leading me softly to his heart. The tender shy smile that curved at his lips when he looked at me, an expression reserved for me alone. Memories of how good it felt to be wrapped up in his loving embrace sheltered from every danger. How his kisses always deepened the connection between us and ignited our passion and trust of each other.
Memories are a funny thing, since we rarely remember things the way they actually happened. Often shaded by our mood at the time or by the regret we have of not handling something correctly. My memories often fall victim to these factors, yet they are also hindered by another element. Shaded by a future that can never happen and confused by a past that never did. You see the images in my mind aren't mine at all. Rather flashes from another Liz Parker who got to live happily ever after.
This is what I've been trying to forget, the slivers of someone else's life. Of a Max who lived to the fullest, who loved his Liz so much that he exposed his secret to protect her. My heart yearns for this life, for this man to be there when I open my eyes. But he is gone and I am stuck in this strange in between of light and shadow. Dusk and dawn, the edge of sadness and the rim of hope.
There is no denying it, Max Evans changed me the day he saved my life. Though not in the way people think when they look at me. Their sorrowful glances don't even scratch the surface of the changes within me. Because I could never let them see what's really happened.
The most painful truth is that I am moving on from that day. Despite my objections I am growing in ways I didn't think were possible. As much as the sadness still clings to my heart and those moments still replay in my head, I am finding that life around me never stops. Life pulls you ahead no matter how much you drag your feet. You can refuse to join in but it doesn't stop the day from going on. People around town have forgotten what happened, have moved on to the next big juicy story. They wonder if I’m alright because I have not done the same thing. Max’s sacrifice is lost on them.
It has been three months to the day since Max died and my feelings concerning him haven't changed. Yet I wonder sometimes how they could've stayed the same. With all that has happened since September and the people who have come into my life. Is it normal to hold on for so long? I honestly don't know. I have never before known the love of an alien, never been changed so much by one person.
Glimpses...
I still see glimpses of his face. Mostly shadowed in candle light, sometimes his hair is longer then I remember. Other times there is a scar above his right eye, but no matter what Max looks like, his love for me always shines through.
For most of my life the Crashdown has been home, a place my Mother and I found refuge. A place that holds many memories of my grandmother. Though this town will always hold a spot in my heart, I cannot stay. Max is gone, most of my old friends have moved on with their lives. Even Michael, Max's most loyal ally is trying to move on. Yet he stays bound to the sadness of loss because of me. Reluctant to go forward, afraid of leaving me behind.
Even so Maria is a strong pull for him, though she does not know his secret. Michael yearns to be happy and that's exactly what she does. A tinge of jealousy lies there, one which I cannot explain. I don't love Michael, not in that way at least. But every time he takes Maria into his arms or kisses her on the forehead my heart breaks. It's irrational I know, because I truly want them to be happy.
Maria's mother vanished in the night when she was eight. Leaving her only daughter to wonder and fear. A letter arrived two days later with no return address explaining why she’d left. Though I’m sure Amy meant for the letter to comfort Maria it only left her feeling confused and hurt. It would seem that Amy realized being a mother didn’t fit in with her free spirited ways and so she had to leave to find herself again.
John Troy tried to be there for his daughter, but work and his other family often got more time. Maria’s half sister Pam eventually became his favorite daughter. He never really understood Maria, she was too much like her mother and so he left her to find her own way. Though she did the best she could it wasn't easy. Finding Michael, someone who really cares for her has been a blessing. I shouldn't be jealous of it and yet there is no denying the way my heart cringes sometimes when I see them.
Michael Guerin has lost a lot too, his best friend and a man he thought to be his real father. Cruel reality came crashing in when Michael learned that it was just a hoax, the man was an evil alien trying to scam Michael's birthright away.
In the long process it took to find the truth, Michael ended up alienating his adoptive parents. To this day the Guerin’s aren't sure what role they want to play in his life. People around town started to view him as the loner after that, forgetting too easily that he was tricked. Instead remembering him as a consistent bad boy who scorned the only people who cared for him.
Finding Maria has been the catalyst of change for Michael, healing the wounds of the past. Her love has allowed him to find the trust he’s kept locked away. Even so he still hasn’t fully let her in. Doesn’t tell Maria about the time we spend together. Not that it would be easy to explain, having to leave out the alien side of things. How my powers often fly out of my control and how he has to make a connection with me in order to get them back in check.
There is never any words spoken about these times but I know that he has seen things in my mind. Things I would be embarrassed to share with anyone, yet time and time again he is willing to make the connection.
It’s because of this that I know with every minute I stay here I am holding them back, keeping them both stuck in the past. A painful reminder of everything that went wrong. It is the one thing Isabel and I both agree on and it is why I must leave Roswell, Nevada.
Staying here will only make things worse, will only keep Michael in a constant state of concern for my well being, I see that now. I know that my leaving will not solve everything but even so I can not stay here.
I am leaving in two days.
Life here will go on without me, Michael will be completely free to fall in love with Maria. Isabel will finally be able to let her hatred of me fade away. She has never said anything to my face, but I know the thoughts of which she keeps unspoken. Max's memories are apart of me now and so the little nuances in her behavior speaks volumes.
I cannot tell Michael or Isabel what I am planing, neither would understand and both would try to talk me out of it. They would have good reasons to stay, reminding me that I still don’t have reliable control of the powers Max gave me. They would both tell me it is safer to stay, but I don’t want safe anymore, it has become my prison.
Still I can't leave without telling Maria, I won't do to her what her mother did. She will know why I am leaving, that I don't know if I can ever come back. She will know all about Max and what he did. That he saved my life in the Crashdown and all that is at stake if his secrets were ever discovered. She will know because I need someone to tell Michael and Isabel where I went that I am safe and that I don’t want to be found. I need someone to lie to my Mother and tell her that I went off in search of my Father. But most of all I need my best friend to know that I am leaving.
(Middle of the Desert - Roswell, Nevada. Midnight)
Michael is meeting me here in a few minutes for my last training session. The muscles in my back feel tense and I hope that I will not tip my hand. It was hard enough to hear Maria, how I could have thought she would be okay with the idea, I’ll never know.
Tears slipping down her cheeks. It’s an image that won’t go away no matter how hard I try to push it back. Her tears are like drops of acid eating away at my resolve and I have to fight to hold on to all my reasons for leaving. Fight the notion that I’m leaving Roswell just because Max left me here.
“But things are finally getting back to normal Liz.” Maria’s voice echos in my head. The way her face shows both her sadness and anger gnaws at my memory. I want to bring Maria with me, it would be nice to have a friend to talk with, yet I know that this is selfish. She has a life here with a man who loves her and I can’t take Maria away from that. She has to understand what has caused this decision.
“Not for me.” My heart cringes at the memory of her fear as flames engulf my hand. I shouldn’t have showed Maria my powers in that way but it was the only thing I could think of then. Her shriek caused a ripple of terror to run down my spine. The fear of that sound within my own bones made it hard to stop the fiery display and I almost lost control. I realize now that I am still suffering the after effects of a day I have tried to push out of my thoughts.
“Liz?”
She cries as I explain who Max really was, what Michael and Isabel are. But the strange thing is, she accepts it all for the truth it is. Doesn’t question my sanity or hers for that matter and trusts that Michael loves her, alien or otherwise. I have a lot to learn from Maria DeLuca, she is strong and she is wise beyond her years.
Ultimately Maria accepted my decision and though I don’t fully know why, she agreed it was the right thing to do. It’s why being here waiting for Michael is so hard for me. There is that tiny little fear that she was only pacifying me until she could pull out the big guns. An intervention of sorts to convince me that I need to be with people who love and care for me. Maybe that’s true, maybe it would be better in the long run. But right now the pull to leave is so strong I can’t focus on anything else.
The moment is now! I have to break free!
Before I even fully realize what I’m doing I slip back into the drivers seat. I don’t really know where I am going except that the air outside is cold and the sound of the engine eases my nerves. For the first time in along while I am at peace and though the roads twist and turn I feel like I am finally going straight to where I belong.
Max’s face drifts through my memories and I can’t help but laugh at the mark of chalk he is shyly trying to wipe away. I can see myself reaching out to wipe it away for him, feel the tingle as my skin touches his. In an instant the connection flares to life and my breath catches in my throat. My heart beat races as a rush of his love flows in. Yet my mind knows that this is not my Max, that it’s his Liz that has captured his heart. The love I feel is not for me but for her and with this knowledge the tears flow.
His dark brown eyes are still staring in my direction and for a moment I believe he is actually looking at me. That somehow in some strange fashion he is aware, aware of how much his death has hurt me. For a moment I believe that it frightens him but then reality sets in and I know that it is not humanly possible. Realize that my mind must be playing tricks on me, I must be going crazy.
My vision is becoming blurred and I know that I was completely out of my mind to think I could drive safely. I have to find a place to stop, have to lift my foot from the gas peddle. Yet all I want to do right now is to go faster.
It’s a struggle to slow down, a struggle to turn the wheel into the small cobblestone parking lot. Every muscle resists the common sense of turning the key and stepping out of the car, resists because my anger is finally surfacing. After all these months I am allowing myself to feel what is really going on. That despite my love for Max I am also angry with him. Actually hate him for leaving me, for dying.
Though the questions in my mind still linger, my voice has found it’s strength. The scream which comes forth is both scary and freeing at the same time. I will finally have my peace, it is a hope that seems ever closer in this moment. I am not the same naive Liz Parker I once was, I have grown, seen things one my age should never know. But I have come out the stronger for it and therein lies the promise that I will find where I belong.
“Parker, where are you?” Michael’s voice is filled with worry and I know that he has heard me. Know instantly that Maria has indeed told Michael all I have confided to her. There is a slight surge of anger and yet I know she was only trying to help and so it cools quickly.
Michael has charged over to me before I can even answer, his palm raised. He looks ready for a fight but his whole demeanor changes the moment he sees me.
“I knew you’d come here.” His voice is cool and reassuring.
It’s strange that Michael knew where I’d go when I did not. That until this moment it did not register where I was, at least not on a physical level. Yet the graveyard where Max is buried seems like a fitting last stop to make in Roswell. Michael has seen many things in my mind, maybe it’s not so strange that he would know.
“I’m going to take care of her, even if you never come back.” His words startle me and I am not sure I heard him right. Because it sounds like he just gave me his blessing to leave. That he actually encouraged me to do so.
“What?” I mumble out, trying to talk through the sobs which have overtaken me.
Michael’s arms wrap around me as he speaks again. “I’ve felt your desire to leave for a long time Liz. You don’t have to worry about Maria.” It’s funny how kindness can often evoke more tears, how just the slightest sweet gesture can make everything better and worse at the same time.
He continues to hold me until my cries subside, it is nice to know that these arms will be protecting Maria when I am gone. That he has learned from Max’s mistakes and will not wait until it is to late to share his love.
I’m not exactly sure when the idea came into my mind but I do know that it’s the right thing. With out even speaking I lift up my hand to Michael’s cheek, making the connection instantly. I should have done this long ago, what stopped me is unclear, but I am making up for my mistake. Michael deserves to know Max was proud of his second in command, deserves to see the last memory Max wanted to share with him.
I can see the precise moment Michael realizes what I am doing because a smile crosses his face and a single tear slides down his cheek. It is not easy taking my hand away, not easy visiting Max’s grave by myself. But I know that Michael is still too lost in the memory I have given him, that he cannot go there right now.
Saying my final goodbyes to the men in my life I walk away and just like that Michael let’s me go.
(Four Months Later)
Fate...
I have fought it for so long, it was fate that stole Max Evans away from me and fate that took me away from my home. I have struggled with the role it has played in my life. But now I have come to realize that although fate played it’s part, destiny had it’s play. My destiny has not been an easy one, it has been filled with heartache and trials. But ultimately my destiny has brought me back to the one place I never thought I would be again.
Love.
Destiny is no longer confused with fate because my life has reason. Even with all the chaos I have seen, my life has always had a purpose, though I didn’t see it until now. I was destined to leave Roswell behind but I was also destined to come back.
Pulling the covers from my face I keep my eyes closed, knowing the sun will still be to much to take in. It amazes me how bright the mornings can be, how much this town has changed since I left. That I could again find the man I was always meant to be with and marry him.
His hand brushes my arm and instantly I feel the rush of images waiting to be unlocked. It has become a morning routine to share our life through theses visions. Routine, it’s such a lousy word to describe what this time is like because it makes everything sound boring and old. My life now is the exact opposite of that. It’s hard to describe but the only word which comes close is, beautiful.
“Liz?” he breathes softly, trying to figure out if I’m awake.
I could keep him in wonder, but this is my beloved and so I answer his call. “Yes, Max.”
“I love you.” He says, sleep still lingering in his voice and my heart echos his words.
The End...