Xan (CC/FF,M/L,TEEN/MATURE) AN - 12/12/04 [WIP]

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Transparent Clear
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Xan (CC/FF,M/L,TEEN/MATURE) AN - 12/12/04 [WIP]

Post by Transparent Clear »

Title: Xan
Author: Transparent Clear
Rating: TEEN to MATURE
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, except Xan, of course.
Summary: Takes place after the psychic scene in EoTW... no future Max, no s*x w/ Tess, nothing... Years in the future, Liz must tell the truth to her daughter...
Hi, guys! Finally, I've found a few minutes to start posting on the new board. (whoo hoo! isn't this place beautiful?)

Anyway, first to be posted will be Xan. Now, I sooo do not have the time to repost all those parts in here (silly school) so I'm going to just give ya the links to old parts. :)

For parts 1 - 34, you can go http://www.roswellfanatics.net/archive/ ... 5/334.html

For parts 19 - 61, you can find them
http://www.roswellfanatics.net/archive/ ... 2/431.html

Wow, it's really hard to believe I'm up to 61 parts on this story...it has so been my baby for such a long time. :)

Anyway, much thanks to anyone who has ever read this story (or ever will). I love to write, and you guys have really made my day be responding so positively to what I do write. :) Thank you!

Jenn
p.s. part 61 will be reposted here in a moment.
Last edited by Transparent Clear on Mon Dec 13, 2004 12:15 am, edited 33 times in total.
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Part 61

Post by Transparent Clear »

For this part and part 62, anything in italics is part of a projection. Regular text is real. :)

<center>~*~Part 61~*~
</center>
“Xan, are you sure you’re ready for this?” My mother asked. She was so nervous for me.

“I know I am, Mom. We all are.”

We’d watched the warehouse for 3 straight days. We knew there were 20 men working at the warehouse every day in 3 different shifts. We knew when those shifts ended. And we knew how bored several of the outside guards were, especially in the daytime, thanks to some dream-walking Isabel and I had done. Isabel had also connected to Alex each night to share our progress with him, and we knew he was ready. I’d practiced my projection. The plan was completely ready. All I had to do was puck up the phone and call Jeremy to put all our planning into action.

“Promise me one more time that you’re going to be careful.”

We’d been going back and forth like this for the past 20 minutes. I had already promised to be careful—and to avoid unnecessary risks—15 times. “Mom, I—“

“Alexandra Maria Isabella, humor me!”

I smiled a little. I always had to laugh when she called me by my full name. “Mother, I promise you that I will be careful and avoid any and all danger and do only that which Dad and Michael would approve of.”

She hugged me. “Thank you, Xan. Now you can call that evil bastard.”

I smiled.

“Don’t let on that you know what he is, Xan,” my father warned me for the 7th time. “Just tell him that you need his help.”

I nodded and dialed Matt’s cell phone.

“Hello?” His voice sounded so familiar. I could easily remember why I’d fallen for him so quickly just by speaking to him. “Hello?’

I turned on my scared, hurt voice. Oddly enough, it wasn’t that much of an act. “Matt?”

“Alex, is that you?” He suddenly sounded worried and interested.

“Matt?” I cried a little harder.

“It’s me.” He sounded so comforting. He shouldn’t work for the FBI; he should be an actor! “What are—where are you? What’s going on? No one has seen you in weeks. I mean, other than that note in my locker… Did you really run away, Alex? Where have you been?”

“Yes, I really ran away, Matt. I can’t tell you where I’ve been—I figure I’m going to be going back there soon.”

“Why are you calling then? I have been so worried about you, baby. I mean, one minute you’re saying we’ll be together forever. The next—you’ve left this note in my locker that answers nothing and is just a long goodbye, really. What is going on?”

“God, Matt, so much has happened lately. I don’t know how to explain it all. I never intended to.”

“Then why are you calling me?” He had just the right amount of anger in his voice to make it seem like he really did care.

“I need your help.” I sighed. “I’m sorry for doing this to you, Matt, but you’re the only person I could think of to call. You’re the only person I know who would actually help me.”

“With what?”

“I’m in California, at my uncle Alex’s.”

“Why?”

“I came here because I started to feel really guilty about my mother. I can’t believe I just left her without a goodbye or anything, you know. I wanted to call her and let her know I was okay, but I was afraid to. So I thought I’d come see Alex and have him help me. I don’t know what I was thinking. He would have tied me up until my mom got here and took me home—“

“Would have?”

“He’s not here, Matt. Alex is missing. No one has heard from him in weeks. And when I called my house, my mom wasn’t there either. I called her work and they said they haven’t seen her since the day I ran away, Matt. Something is going on here, and I am so confused.”

“Maybe he and your mom are together, looking for you, Alex.”

“I don’t know. It just seems so—I can’t believe that, Matt.”

“Why not?”

“Because I know Alex. He would never leave his email for so long without at least checking in. And he hasn’t checked since the day I ran away. Something is going on, Matt.”

“What do you want me to do? I can’t—“

“I need you to come help me find him. Please. I know I’ve hurt you, Matt, but you are the only one I can trust. Please help me.”

He sighed. “Give me an hour, okay, and I’ll meet you somewhere.”

“An hour? Matt, you’re hours from here.”

“Don’t worry about that. I’ll meet you in an hour—“

“Can we just meet at Starbucks? I need some coffee if I’m going to make it through this.”

“Sure,” he laughed a little. “I’ll see you soon, Alex.”

“Thank you, Matt.” I whispered and hung up. I looked at my family. “He’ll meet me in an hour.”

“Okay,” my father nodded decisively. “Let’s get going.”

Both my parents hugged me tightly. “Take care of yourself—“

“I will,” I said exasperated. “I promise.” I calmed down a little. “You guys need to promise you’ll be careful, too, all of you.” I looked at my family meaningfully.

“We are careful, Xan. We’ve had a lot of practice at this, remember?” Maria smiled.

I nodded. “Okay.”

“So we’ll meet you outside city limits as soon as you call to let us know you have Alex,” Seth confirmed the final leg of the plan.

“Agreed,” Michael nodded. “Be sure to stay in motion. We won’t know how many people will be there to watch or follow. They might even call in some who aren’t working the warehouse.”

“Right.” Seth agreed.

We all took a long hard look at each other, as if confirming that each of us knew that we were going to bring Alex home today no matter what. Then we all took off. Seth and Michael went to get the cars ready. Maria and my parents started moving everything they’d need from the hotel rooms to the car. And Isabel walked me to my car.

“You’re ready for this, Xan. I know you are.” She hugged me.

“Thank you, Isabel.” I smiled and climbed into the car.

She shut the door for me and looked at Seth. “Now please be careful driving, Seth. We don’t need any accidents today.” She smiled.

Seth shook his head. “I’ll try.” He smiled and we drove off towards the Starbucks we had scouted out the day before.

We were both silent as we drove. I guess Seth thought I needed some time to concentrate or get mentally ready or something. I just didn’t know what to say to him. I was so afraid that anything I might say would lead us to a huge discussion on trust and who we were. I just wanted to be calm before I did the biggest thing I’ve ever done.

He pulled up across the street from the coffee shop. “You should definitely change your appearance, Xan. I mean, he might see you from wherever he parks.”

I nodded. I thought about what I’d like to look like and closed my eyes for a second. When I opened them, I was a redhead again with dark sunglasses and black clothes on. “What do you think?”

“You’re a goth’s dream.” He teased.

“Thank you.” I started looking to see if Jeremy and his people were here. The road looked perfectly fine. There were a bunch of empty cars, and the crowds seemed perfectly fine. “Do you think they’re here all ready?”

“Not yet. I think we’d know.”

“How?” I was confused as to what he was talking about.

“Intuition, I guess.” He shrugged. “I just know they’re not here yet. We’ll know when they are.”

We waited for a few minutes more. Then a black truck pulled into the parking lot beside the coffee shop.

“That’s one of them.” I looked at Seth. “I know it is.” He nodded.

We watched for a few more moments as a long black van pulled up right in front of Starbucks and then Matt’s old car pulled up, too.

“How many people are there? We need to let my Dad know.” I tried to count, but all the windows were black.

Seth concentrated for a few minutes. “As best I can tell there are 8 of them.”

“8? How can you tell?”

“I can just feel it, I guess. Being an alien isn’t exactly a hard science, Xan.”

I wanted to laugh at that, but I kept my mind on the focus at hand and watched the scene in front of me. “Okay. Matt just walked into Starbucks.”

“Start the projection walking out of another building or something. Don’t let them see you around this car.” Seth urged.

I nodded and looked at some of the closest buildings. I chose to walk out of the GAP, with a bag in my hand. I might as well get something cute out of this operation. I concentrated for a few moments.

I walked out of the GAP, carrying a bag with a red sweater in it. I pulled a black hat over my hair and looked around suspiciously as I made my way down the block to the Starbucks. I slid in, trying to look as inconspicuous as possible. I scanned the room and focused on Matt.

I walked over to him. “Matt?”

He jumped up. “Alex?” He wanted to hug me, but he just looked me over. “Are you okay?’

“I’m fine.” I sat down across from his chair. “How did you get here so fast?”

“Don’t worry about that, okay?”

“No, Matt, I’ve been suspicious of everything and everyone. I mean, I was even curious about the guy behind the counter at the GAP. I need to know the truth of what’s going on here. From everyone, even you. Until I find my family, I trust no one. So how are you here so quickly?”

He looked at his coffee. “Okay. I’ll tell you the truth. I’ve been trying to find you since the day you left. I knew at first I couldn’t talk to your mother about it, so I didn’t even try. I just tried looking on my own. But last weekend, I decided to ask your mom if she’d heard from you. When I couldn’t get in touch with her, I started to get really worried. So I decided to talk to the rest of your family, the people you’d be most likely to get in touch with. Maria wasn’t at her house, at least she never answered my calls. So I called Alex, and he wasn’t here either. So I decided to come down here this weekend to see if I could find him.”

“Why?” I couldn’t keep the suspicion from my voice.

“Alex, I was worried about you.” He said a little angrily. “I mean, that’s why I’m here. I was worried about you. I came down here to see if I could find Alex so I could find you.”

I nodded. “I’m sorry I’m so paranoid, Matt. I just don’t know what to do. Thank you for being here and willing to help me.”

“So what do you think we should do? Have you thought of a plan for this?”

I shook my head. “Not really. I’ve been so paranoid. I just want to find him.” I looked at him. “You’ve been here, what? All weekend? Do you have any ideas? Have you got any leads?”

I would make this completely easy on him; he could just take me right on in to the warehouse. But what a surprise he would have once he got there!

“Well, I do know of one place where he might be.”

“Where? What’s going on?”

“I found a building, a warehouse, really. Kind of like the ones back home that we used to dream of making into a club.”

“What’s he doing in there?”

“I don’t know. I’m not sure that he is in there, even. I just know that I saw his car in the parking lot of the place.”

“Maybe we should call the cops, Matt. I mean, have them go in and search.”

“No! I mean, it might really be nothing. Maybe Alex is just turning the place into an apartment or something. I don’t want to have the cops barging in on him for no reason or anything.”

“Matt, if he were doing something like renovating a warehouse, he’d tell us. I mean, Alex wouldn’t do that anyway. He’s not exactly what we’d call handy.” I smiled a little. “But if you saw his car there…”

“Do you want to go see if it’s his? See if we can find him there?” Matt offered.

“Seth, he’s offering to take me to the warehouse. He says Alex’s car is there. Are they ready? Have they gotten him out?”

Seth was already on the cell phone with Isabel. “Not yet. Max, Liz, Maria, and Michael are in the place though.”

“Does she know what’s going on?”

“No, not yet. Just buy them a few more minutes, okay?”

“Are you ready to go, Alex?”

I hesitated. “I don’t know if I can do this, Matt. What if there’s really something wrong with Alex? What if he’s been kidnapped or something?”

He laughed. “Alex, who is going to kidnap a grown man who makes his living in computer programming? What are the odds of that?”

“I don’t know. What if he discovered some awesome new program that no one else has ever seen yet and there are people out there who want to take that program before he can publish it? What if he could do all kinds of good with it and someone wants to take it away to do something bad?”

“Alex, I think you’re over-reacting here—“

“Over-reacting?” I silently thanked Maria DeLuca for everything I was about to say. “You think I’m over-reacting because I’m worried about my uncle? The man who raised me like he was my father? I don’t think that’s over-reacting. I think that’s what I like to call caring or loving someone.”

“Alex—“

“And you might think that that idea is a little out there but in my opinion so is the very concept that my uncle Alex who can fix the world’s computer problems would ever be doing something that would involve a hammer and nails. I mean, seriously, this is Alex. I don’t think I’ve ever even see him use a screwdriver that wasn’t involved in opening a hard drive or something.”

“Alex—“

“And that little event could have happened. Don’t you watch the news? There is all kind of espionage going on in the business world! People are becoming more and more underhanded to try to get the jump on other businesses. I mean, just last week, CNN—“

“Alex, don’t make such a scene!” He hissed.

“So now I’m making a scene? Oh, I see. I’m showing some emotion, aren’t I? Heaven forbid, I do that. Well, I’m sorry, Matthew, but I am a highly emotional person. I can’t help but react to situations involving the people I love and care about. Don’t you remember how I got when my mother forbade me from seeing you? For God’s sake, I ran away from home!” I knew my voice was getting kind of loud. I didn’t care. So what if people saw me yelling at him? It’s not like it was the real me…

“Alex, if you keep screaming like this, you’re going to draw a crowd. How do you think they’ll react to that phrase?”

“Don’t be like that, okay, Matt?” I sighed. “I can’t help how I’m feeling here, okay? I mean, my God, in the space of just a couple weeks, my entire life has turned upside down. I went from being best friends with my mother to not even being able to tell her anything. I went from having the possibility of a real relationship with my father to him being completely shut out of my life. I left you and Meg. Do you know what it’s like to just leave your best friend and know you can’t talk to her again, Matt? But I thought it was the only way, the only thing I could do.”

“I just don’t understand how the only thing you could do was run away, Alex. I don’t think I’ll ever understand that. I thought we had something.”

“Matt—I tried to explain that in the letter I wrote you. I’m sorry. I just didn’t see any other way—“

He stood up. “We shouldn’t talk about this right now. Let’s just go. Right now, we go or I don’t help you.”

I stood up. “Okay.”

“Seth, we need to move, now.”

“Xan, we’ve been moving since you said word one to him.”

I couldn’t believe it, but I didn’t open my eyes. “Tell Isabel Matt and the others are on their way to the warehouse. Have they gotten him out?”

“Just about, I think.”

“They need to get him out!” I exclaimed.

“Don’t worry, Xan. We’ll get him out. Max won’t fail.”

I prayed he was right.

<center>***</center>
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Xan Part 62

Post by Transparent Clear »

AN: Hi, guys! (Whoever has found this story again!) I'm back, in the middle of all my hell in midterms, and I've finally finished the new part. (whoo hoo!) Anyway, if i make it through today, i will be done w/ midterms (i think) and life might start to get easier.. .i hope. and next week is spring break, and since my work won't let me leave town i should have plenty of time to write. :) Jenn

Part 62

Sitting in the car, Seth and I watched as Jeremy led ‘me’ out fo the coffee shop toward a big black van.


“Where are we going, Matt? Where’s your car?” I looked around the van to see if it was there.

“Oh, I borrowed my uncle Jamie’s van this weekend.”

“Why?”

He looked at me. I knew he was getting tired of all the questions. “Because I didn’t exactly have the money to get a hotel room. I figured I could sleep in here.”

“Oh.”

He opened the door for me and I tried to climb in like I didn’t know there was undoubtedly something else waiting for me in this van. I wondered if there were people in the back, waiting to point a gun at my head. I tried to face forward and not think about it. I smiled as Matt got into the driver’s seat.

The look on his face was completely different now. He looked like the scary image of an FBI agent I’d developed in my mind since I found out that we were being watched…that my father had been taken by these people when he was not even my age. “You don’t know what you’ve just done, Alex.”

The game was up. And I decided that was fine with me. I didn’t want to play anymore. I wanted to be real. I wanted answers. I wanted to just let all of this go and finally put it in my past. I’d only been dealing with it for a matter of weeks, but in my opinion, that was too long. I wanted to be the carefree kid I’d always fancied myself to be again.

I took a deep breath, looked him dead in the eye, and said, “And you don’t know who I am.”

He laughed. “That’s just it, Alex. I know more about you than you do.”

And a new game began. He didn’t know I knew the truth about him. He was going to enjoy telling me, trying to break my heart. But I was prepared for this, and I could play his game better than he could.

“What are you talking about, Matthew?”

“There’s just so much you don’t know, Alex. It’s actually kind of funny.”

“I don’t understand what’s going on,” I tried to sound as naïve as I had once been. “What are you talking about?”

He reached into his coat pocket. I wondered if he was going to pull his gun out. Would that be his explanation? But he just brought his wallet out and handed it to me.

“What is this? Why are you giving me your wallet?”

“Just look in it.”

I opened it slowly to reveal what I already knew. “Jeremy O’Neill?” I looked at him and decided to play for a while longer. How could he believe I was really this naïve? “What is this? Stealing wallets now?”

“Look at the picture.”

I looked at the picture and then looked at him. “You work for the FBI? You’re 18! How can you work for the FBI? Why would you?”

“God, Alex, stop acting so innocent. Figure it out. I know the truth about you, and now you know the truth about me.” He looked at me as he drove through the busy streets. “I have spent the past 2 years of my life involved in all this drama because of you. I’ve given up my own life—every single relationship—everything I care about—because of what you are.”

I looked at him with cold eyes. I was through with this pretending. “Because of what I am? What exactly does that mean, Matthew?”

“My name is Jeremy.” He said.

“Whatever,” I shrugged his words off. “What am I?”

He looked at me for a second, as if he saw the new exterior I was presenting to him. “You are the reason I can’t go to sleep at night. You are the reason my mother doesn’t know where I’m living half the time. You’re the reason I don’t feel safe—“

“What are you talking about, Jeremy? You make no sense. You don’t feel safe because of me? What have I ever done to you?”

“I make perfect sense, Alexandra. And it’s not just what you’ve done to me. It’s what your people have done, what your people are capable of doing.” His eyes were accusing me of crimes I could not imagine. “I know what you are—I know what your father is. And it makes me sick.”

“I am an 18 year old girl, Jeremy. How is that scary?”

“You are an 18 year old alien, Alexandra. We know what you can do. We’ve seen it. I’ve seen video of you and your father doing things…that are entirely unnatural. And don’t even try to deny it because I heard the conversation between you and your mother the night you found out the truth about yourself. I know you know what you are, and I know you know, too.”

“Do you expect me to deny what I am, Jeremy? I won’t. Yes, I am an alien. I don’t see what the big deal is. So what if my father is from another planet? What does that mean? We’re not here to take over this planet? We’re here to just live. You say you’re afraid of me, but I think you’re afraid of the fact that maybe you aren’t as human as you think.”

“I’m human, Alex. I know where both my parent were born. I’m pretty sure you can’t say that.”

“But can you even call yourself human? What kind of a human being taunts and hurts an 18-year-old girl who just wants to know who she is? What kind of human beings kidnap a 17-year-old boy and experiments upon him? What kind of human beings would chase after people who never did anything wrong, other than trying to just be normal, and make them leave the people they love for decades? Because of so-called human beings like you, Jeremy, I never got to grow up with my father. I never got to see my dad’s face the first time I got an A on a paper or came home sick from school. My dad never got to be there for first dances and first dates. He never got to teach me to drive or cheer for me at a soccer game. People like you deprived me of the one person I always wanted! You took the only man my mother has ever loved away from her! You destroyed our lives for years. And you call yourself a human being? I don’t think that’s any group I’d want to belong to.”

He smirked. “You say that like you have a choice in that.”

I turned to look at the street. “So where are we going? I’m assuming you’re not taking me to Alex.”

“Oh, no, I am taking you to see him. See, we have your uncle Alex in custody.”

Time to be shocked. “What? Why?”

“We caught him when he was with his alien girlfriend, your aunt, Isabel. Apparently, she came here to get him and my men captured him. She got away, somehow…using her powers no doubt.”

“So you’ve had Alex?”

“Since day one. We’ve been expecting someone to come looking for him. Of course, I think we all expected it to be Isabel or your father. But I think it’s a pleasant surprise that you came. After all, you’re what we want.”



“Do they have him out of there, Seth?” I asked.

“I just talked to Isabel. They just left the warehouse,” Seth said. “We’re on our way to meet them.”

“Okay.”

“Your father says you can drop the projection whenever you want to, Xan. We’re free.”

I couldn’t just break off the projection yet. There were things I needed to say first, and I knew this would be my last opportunity to do so. “Okay. Just give me a few more minutes. I have some things I want to say to him, things I need to say.”

Seth nodded. “Give him hell, Xan. He deserves it.”


“I’m what you want?”

“A child of an alien and a human, of course. We want to see how alien DNA changes you at the molecular level. And of course, we’d like to discover what kind of powers you have. Just think of all the advantages we could have if we can understand them and use them for our best benefit.”

“You want a weapon.” He didn’t deny it. “Well, I’ll never be that for you. I’d sooner die than be your machine.”

“You realize that could be arranged, too? You’re on your way to a research center which will have complete power over you. You won’t be able to escape. And no one will be able to rescue you.”

“My father—“

“Will not be able to get within 15 miles of the building without being marked and captured as well. You are dealing with the United States government now, Alexandra.”

I wanted to laugh at that comment. He thought he was so indestructible, that he was so right. I couldn’t wait for him to realize that he had lost, he was wrong, that I was stronger than he was. “Stop calling me that. You claim to know me better than I know myself, and you don’t even know my name.”

“Oh, what are you going by now? Alex? Parker? Evans? Alien?”

“My name is Xan Evans, Jeremy. And for your information, I have more faith in my family than in your government. After all, they hired you, didn’t they?”

“Was that meant to hurt me?”

“Take it as you will.”

“You know, Xan,” his voice was snide and full of sarcashm, “you’re taking this news rather calmly, compared to what I expected.”

“Were you expecting me to cry? Scream? Beg you to let me go?”

“Something like that.”

“Well, I won’t give you that satisfaction.” I said defiantly. “Before we get to wherever you’re taking me, you need to understand a couple things. I am stronger than you. No matter what you think or what has happened in the past between us, I am stronger than you. I’ll even admit that you’ve hurt me—when I found out what you were… I mean, my God, I thought you loved me, I trusted you, and you—“

“When you found out what I am?” He looked at me with confusion in his eyes.

“I guess you didn’t pay much attention to the little talk my mom and I had when she told me ‘what’ I am, did you? Tsk, tsk, tsk. The FBI really needs to learn how to pay attention better than that. I mean, you missed the forest for the trees here. I have abilities that you can’t imagine. Yes, some of them are physical and defensive. But the most important one to me right now, the one you should have been thinking about all this time, is my ability to dream-walk.”

“Dream-walk?” He said slowly, as if he knew the word but didn’t know the definition.

“Yup.” I smiled. “See, when I first found out ‘what’ I am, I started to wonder about the people around me, especially my friends. I mean, look at what my parents had been through. Then one day in class, I had this nightmare. And in it, my best friends turned against me and hunted me and my family because of what we are. So I decided to do a little dream-walking.” I loved the way I was speaking. I felt so empowered. “And well, the first person I dream-walked was Megan, mostly because I was totally paranoid that my best friend was spying on me. She wasn’t. You were the second person. I didn’t want to dream-walk you. I mean, why would you spy on me? But paranoia won out and so I dream-walked you. I’ve known you were in the FBI for weeks, Jeremy. I’ve known your name. I’ve known what you’re trying to do. And I’ve even known that you were with the people holding Alex.”

“Why—“

“Why did I get in this van with you?” I smiled, knowing what he was asking himself. “Well, I guess you have a few things to learn, Jeremy. After all, if you know me as well as you claim to, you know that my powers aren’t just limited to dream-walking and healing.”

“What—“ He sounded completely bewildered.

“Well, let’s just say that right now, as we’re about to enter the facility, my family, with my uncle Alex, is miles and miles away. And, oh, yeah, I’m with them. No dissection for you, Jeremy. You’ve just lost your biggest playing cards.”

“You’re with them? How is that possible?” He reached out and grabbed me by the arm. “You’re here. I can feel you next to me.”

“It’s called mental projection. Look into it.” I smiled. “You know, you did hurt me, Jeremy, more than I’ll probably ever fully admit to. Because of you, I question everything about everyone around me, well, those who I’m not related to. Because of you, I look over my shoulder. Because of you, I might never truly believe in love without borders again. And because of you, I have lost so many important parts of myself.” I looked him in the eye. “But I will not lose who I am, no matter what you have done, Jeremy. Because I am stronger than that. I was raised better than that. So you can go on thinking you’re doing the right thing, ruining teenaged girls lives because they’re different from you, but you won’t win. You’re weak and scared, and you are going to wake up one day and realize that you have spent your entire life chasing people you could never dream of understanding. And I’m not going to give you the benefit of assuming that you will realize that what you’ve done is wrong. But you are condemned to a life of mediocrity, chasing people…”

“And you are condemned to being an alien!” He said with a harsh voice that I wanted to flinch against but wouldn’t.

“I’d hardly call that a condemnation or punishment. I can’t think of anyway I’d rather live!” I looked him in the eye one last time. The boy I’d fallen in love with, the boy I’d thought was so honest and kind and caring and compassionate, was completely gone. In his place was a cold, hardened man. “You know, I’ve been planning this moment since the day I found out you were holding Alex. All I could think about was the ways I would rub it into you that I was better than you or stronger than you. And now, I don’t want to be in your presence anymore. You don’t deserve me. You never did. And if I were to just give in to my desire to scream at you and taunt you and all that, well, it’s not making me any better a person than I was the minute I got in this van. In fact, it’s making me less…So all I really have to say to you is goodbye, Jeremy.”


I looked at Seth. “How far till we meet my parents?”

“Probably another 5 minutes or so.” I nodded. “Did everything go all right? Did you say what you needed to?”

“Actually, I kind of realized I didn’t need to say anything to him. I’ve been holding in all this anger lately, and now that I realize he’s truly out of my life, there’s no reason for me to anymore. It’s not healthy.”

Seth nodded. “Wow, that’s very mature of you, Xan. I don’t think I could have done that.”

I smiled. “You never know what you can do, you know, Seth. I didn’t think I could do that either. When we started this, all I wanted to do was scream and cry and hit and yell. I wanted to make him hurt like he’s hurt me. But I don’t have to. I realized part way through this conversation, that Jeremy will always be Jeremy. He’ll never be the person I wanted him to be, and when you really look at his reality, well, it’s a pretty empty existence. He’s so convinced he’s right about this one issue—that aliens are here and are bad—that he doesn’t know how to really live outside it. He’s hurting himself more than I could ever hurt him. I will admit that I hope that someday he realizes it.” I faced the road in front of me. “How much longer till we meet them?” I suddenly couldn’t wait to see my parents and Alex.
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AN: A short part tonight. This was actually hard to start but the rest of it, particularly the journal entry, just flowed.

Thank you so much, maxzhot for all the bumps. You're awesome!


<center>~*~Part 63~*~</center>

Seth and I were about half an hour behind the van my family was in, and we’d already planned on not meeting up until we were at least 3 hours away from anyone Jeremy might have alerted to chase us. So I had plenty of time to sit there and just think about my life for the first time in a while. I felt so much better, more alive, than I’d felt in ages. I decided it was time I do something that I had never really seen myself doing. I turned around in my seat and dug through the backpack behind me. I’d been carrying this book around for weeks, ever since Seth had taken us from our house to go to the ranch, and I decided that it was time to use it. I opened up the journal and for a moment smiled at all the empty pages inside. Would I ever fill them all up? Would I ever have that much to say? I wasn’t sure that I would or that I’d actually have the discipline to do it. But I wanted to try. Thanks to my mother recording the important events and mundane moments of her life, I knew her and my entire family better than almost anyone I knew. I wanted my family—someday—way off in the future—to have that same opportunity to know me. I uncapped a silver pen and started writing.


<center>I never believed people when they said that letting go of the past was like setting yourself free, but now I know that was they said was true. This afternoon, I ‘sat’ next to the one man in this world whom I truly hate for who he is, and I thought I would take advantage of that opportunity to tell him exactly what I thought of him and what I thought of his life. I thought I’d get angry and finally let it all out at him. I thought I would yell until I was hoarse, reminding him of his crimes and the way he’d treated me. But looking at him, I realized that wasn’t what I needed to do. I needed to prove myself stronger, and the best way to do that was to show him the way I will live from now on. I am stronger, and I will not be a victim to people like him.

I am through with people like Jeremy in my life. I will never have to see him or deal with his ignorance again, his or people like him. I did regret that I would never see Megan or any of my other friends again, but I could handle it. It was like I was saying goodbye to that old life, accepting it for what it was and appreciating what it’d brought me. I would always appreciate that Megan had been a true friend to me. I would always remember the good times we’d had. But I was not going to let the bad times, especially first finding out about Jeremy’s betrayal hurt me and the way I lived my life from then on.

It’s not that I wasn’t mad at Jeremy still or that I wouldn’t always feel anger towards him. I’m not suddenly this enlightened creature who could forgive everything. I was not Buddha or anything like him. I just knew that if I continued to live my life so wrapped up in anger at Jeremy or anyone else, I was giving them far too much control over my life and who I was. And I don’t want to do that. After all, I’m stronger than that.

I was raised by a woman who would never let me sulk for what I didn’t have. She wanted me to enjoy what I had and I always did. I loved being raised by my Mom and Maria and Alex. I cannot imagine growing up differently. That doesn’t mean that I don’t regret all the stuff I missed with my Dad. But I wouldn’t be the person I am now without having gone through the confusion of not having him and then finding out why he was absent.

I grew up really mad at my Dad, for not being there. I understand his reasons now, but there are still times when I feel angry or insecure because of that around him. I will not let that ruin the relationship we’re building now though. It’s easy to say that of course. I just feel like I can keep that anger away from him. I hope I can. Or maybe it isn’t that I should keep it away from him so much as be open about it and share my feelings with him. I want to be honest. Not just with my Dad, but with everyone. I think it’s the only way for us to build anything of true strength.

I can’t wait to see Alex again. I just want to wrap my arms around him and hug him for an hour. I remember when he used to do that for me when I was little and Mom was at work. Especially when I had nightmares. There would be nights where he’d just hold me for hours until I fell back asleep or felt safe again. I can’t wait to see how happy he is with Isabel, and how excited he is to know that he’ll be a father soon. I might be biased, but I know he will make the best dad. And I’m going to be there, to help him, if I can. I just want to be so involved in all this family stuff that I’ve missed over the past 18 years.

I admit that I hope my parents have another baby soon. I always wanted younger siblings and I think it would be so great for them to grow up now. I feel like we’re all a little freer for the first time, now that we all know the truth and we’ve all taken action against the people who have hurt us all so deeply in the past and want to again in the future. I think we’re all ready to move on in our lives and embrace the future.

Seth just told me we’re about a mile away from the rest area, already. I know my parents are there and they’re just waiting for us. It seems like I’ve been waiting for this day for so long! I can’t believe it’s finally here!
</center>


I closed my journal and put it back in my bag.
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Post by Transparent Clear »

AN: So I suck. That's the only thing I've been able to come up with seeing as how it took me so long to post a new part of this story. Maxzhot, I don't understand why you stick around. :) But I finally finished a new (short--i'm sorry!) part this mornign when i was giving myself extra 'sleep' time due to the fact that i've been surrounded by college pre-fresh helping them register for the past 5 days, (and it continues today!)

Most randomly cool moment of this registration so far was talking to a girl who kept looking at her watch...and i was like 'do you need to be somehwere" and she looked at me and said, "Well no, ti's just that i realized i'm missing Roswell... please don't think i'm lame." I then had a 20 minute conversation with her, completely spoiling her on some of the stuff that happens b/c she hasnt' seen it yet. (although it was really really hard to make the whole season 3 clayton stuff sound at all understandable.

ok. enough blahing... here's the next part.
Thank you guys again for sticking around and reading this!
Jenn



<center>~*~Part 64~*~</center>

Seth hadn’t even put the car in park and I already had the door open. I couldn’t see exactly where they were, but I could feel my family. And I knew they were close. I ran through the maze of cars towards the main shelter. I knew they had to be somewhere around there.

And then I saw the most beautiful head bobbing up in the distance. He was turned around, and I couldn’t see his face, but I would recognize him just from his hair. He was the 2nd most important man in my life.

“Alex!” I screamed and ran even faster toward him, doing my best to avoid hitting families playing in the grass.

The head stopped moving and he turned around. The smile on his face was unlike anything I had ever seen before. He barely had times to open his arms to me before I slammed into him, knocking the breath out of the 2 of us. And then his arms were around me, and I felt so safe, like I was 4 and he was the only one who could protect me after a nightmare.

“Oh, my God, Alex, I am so happy to see you!” I couldn’t help from crying. This was the moment my entire life would change. Finally, my family would be together and nothing could change that.

“Me, too, sweetie, me, too. I can’t believe how much you all risked, especially you.”

“You know I’d do anything for you, Alex. There was no question.”

He shook his head a little. “There should have been. Your father and Michael were right; it was way too dangerous a situation to put yourself in—“ I started to interrupt him but he didn’t let me in. “But I’m glad you did it. Thank you, Xan.”

I smiled. “I love you, Alex. I couldn’t leave you there, just like you couldn’t leave me up that tree when I was 7.”

He grinned. “Do you know?”

I knew he was talking about Isabel’s news. I smiled and nodded. “Yeah. Congratulations, Alex. You are going to be an incredible daddy. And I think we both know I can say that.”

Isabel walked up to us and wrapped her arm around my waist. “You did a great job, Xan.”

“Thanks, Is,” I hugged her.

“Are you okay?” She whispered.

I knew I could talk to her—or any member of my family—about all the issues piling up in me. But at the same time, I didn’t want this moment, what we had all worked so hard for to be marred by thinking about all that. I nodded. “Isabel, I can honestly say that I have never been better than I am right now.”’

She smiled. “Okay.” She turned both Alex and I toward the shelter we had taken over. I could see my Dad and Michael standing by the supports. “Let’s go eat. I don’t know about you, Xan, but I am starving.”

I realized that for the first time in days it seemed, Seth was not right beside me. I turned around and noticed him hanging back a little. I smiled, encouraging him to come with us. He was as much a part of this celebration as anyone. He walked a little faster to catch up with us.

At the shelter, I was met with hugs from everyone. My Mom and Maria looked at me with that look that parents get when they think they know something is going on with their kid that they don’t want to share. I just smiled. I knew I’d have to talk about it later, but right now, I just wanted to enjoy this time. And they understood and set out to getting lunch together.

I leaned against the support beam closest to my family. They were all sitting around the table, and I could see that space had been saved for me between my father and Alex, the two most important men in my life. Everyone was smiling and laughing, obviously just relieved to be free to do so again. The entire group was back together and I couldn’t help watching, amazed, at the way they interacted. They were so natural together, completely free to tease and joke. I had seen that all my life on a small-scale level with my mom, Maria, and Alex, but to see it now between the 6 of them…it was everything I had wanted when I first started imaging my family coming together again.

Alex was obviously enthralled with Isabel. He looked like he was torn between disbelief that she was finally his and complete joy that their bond would be sealed forever soon. Maria just looked so perfectly peaceful. Her hand was resting on Michael’s leg and she was practically glowing. And even though I hadn’t known Michael all that long, I could tell that this was one of the first times I had ever seen him completely calm, like nothing could hurt him. He was smiling more than I had ever seen him do before, and he was teasing my father and Isabel in ways that all my early descriptions of him would never have believed. But I guess that was to be expected. They’d all grown up, and it was time for them to be able to enjoy that together.

My mother was leaning against my father on the booth. It reminded me of a flash I’d seen of the two of them in my grandfather’s café when they were teenagers. They were just so comfortable together that to not share space was hard for them. My Dad’s arm was wrapped around her and he looked like he never wanted to move it. I had to smile. Most people my age were either embarrassed by or tired of seeing their parents’ open-affection. I loved it. Seeing their love, decades after they’d first fallen in love, gave me hope.

And then my attentions turned to Seth. He was sitting quietly between Michael and Isabel. He looked like he felt kind of out of place, like he didn’t know where he fit in this group of people he’d grown up hearing stories about.

“Xan,” my father broke me from my inner musings, “do you want pepperoni and ham or ham and cheese?”

I smiled and walked closer to him. “Like you even have to ask.” I reached for the spicier sandwich and sat down. Across the table, I tried to catch Seth’s eyes. He’d reassured me so much when I was confused; I wanted to do the same for him.

When I finally caught his eye, all I could think to do was smile, hoping he would understand. And when he returned the smile, it was all I could do to swallow my sandwich as I immediately flashed back to the one time I had seen that smile before, in a dream I’d invaded. He’d smiled like that just before he’d kissed a dream version of me.

I couldn’t help meeting his eyes again, and this time he looked straight at me, as if he were waiting for this moment. And that same grin was on his face. And it felt like all the air in my body just randomly decided to leave it and like my heart decided to beat really really loud. And all of a sudden, I felt my life, which I had thought would be so easy now that my entire family was together, get complicated again.

<center>***</center>
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Part 65 -- 23 april 2003

Post by Transparent Clear »

this is for my long suffering readers, especially maxzhot and michelle. i finally made it through the hell of 2 term papers and a test in one week, so i can post this short update

i just kind of started thinking about xan and her reactions...and this came out of it.

i hope you like!


<center>~*~Part 65~*~</center>

We took the long, leisurely route back to the ranch, making lots of stops and just carrying the most casual attitude with us. We knew we were safe; there was no way we would ever lose each other again.

I traveled in the van with my parents, Alex, and Isabel. Alex and Is spent most of the time sleeping. They were just so relieved to be together and safe; it was like they were finally letting go of their strength so that they could just depend on each other.

My mother and father were in the front, driving. They kept talking about all the little things I knew my mother had been dying to talk about with my father; everything from china patterns to my first date. I was mostly lying down in the middle seat, but I could see that they were holding hands. I wanted to disappear, almost, wanted to hide so that they could just have this time to themselves. I decided they needed this time to regroup so I pretended to sleep.

And as I laid in the backseat, trying valiantly to keep my eyes closed, I couldn’t help thinking about what my life would be like. I mean, I already knew I loved what I had seen of the ranch. But it was suddenly becoming clear to me that I was really going to be there for the rest of my life. The romanticism of living with my entire family was giving way to the truth that I was going to be living with my entire family—and an entire village of aliens—for the rest of my life. Would I really never be allowed to travel? Or go to college? What if I wanted to leave someday? Would I ever have an opportunity to find my real role in life?

I wanted more than anything to be with my family. I’d never regret this decision, but the realities of what I had given up were coming back to me now. I was 18 years old. I was supposed to be choosing colleges, going out with my friends, getting drunk, falling in love. And instead, I was going home with my parents…

I loved them! I loved my entire family! I couldn’t wait to see what Isabel and Alex’s son looked like or what would happen if Maria and Michael ever got married or had a child. And I couldn’t help but wonder if my childhood wish would be fulfilled and if I’d get a little sister.

I just couldn’t help but wonder about what I had given up. What if I never found someone to love? What if I never found a purpose? What if I became one of those drained, wasted people who just lived without meaning? I didn’t want to be that, not after seeing the depth of purpose my mother lived by. I wanted to live one of those full lives that my parents had dreamed about, with a family and a husband and life I was passionate about.

Would I ever have that? What would I do on the ranch? Was there an opportunity for me to find a higher purpose? Or would I just be seen as Max’s daughter? Would I be expected to live out some ceremonial life? Would there be a husband provided? Would I be wanted just because Max was my father?

And I couldn’t help thinking about Seth. What would happen now? I mean, now that we were going back to some semblance of safety, how would we deal with the revelations each of us made? I had broken his trust, dream-walking him without his permission. He had knowingly dreamt about me, dreaming about a relationship between the two of us that I just knew could not happen.

And I hated to admit that there was a little voice in the back of my head asking “Why not?” Why couldn’t I have a relationship with Seth?

And I knew my biggest answer/reason for that. I would always wonder if he was attracted to me for me or if he was simply trying to get closer to my father. I didn’t want to be loved simply because people wanted to know my father…I didn’t want his position, his title to be the reason people got to know me.

I remembered when I was 14, I was going through all these insecurities. And it had hurt like hell to go through. I thought I was ugly, completely unlovable by anyone who wasn’t related to me, and that I was never going to do anything with my life. And I could still remember the words Maria had shared with me upon revealing all my fears to her.

“Why, sweetie, congratulations, you are now officially a girl. Insecurity should be our middle name. And sadly, it never seems to go away. The most important thing is to just love yourself. No one else matters.”

I wanted to believe that. I truly did. I just couldn’t. I didn’t know how. I guess my insecurities would always ring true, and I’d always just want the approval of others. Call it the fatherless-child syndrome. I didn’t want to be a victim of it anymore, and truly, I wasn’t. I just needed to get out of the mindset.

I wished I had my journal, that I could open my eyes to get to it and write all these thoughts down in it. I felt so jumbled, like I needed to find the clarity. And I knew I wouldn’t be able to do that in the middle seat of a van. I wasn’t sure when I would be able to. I just knew I needed to.

<center>***</center>
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<center><b>~*~Part 66~*~</center></b>

We got a hero’s welcome when we made it back to the ranch. A huge crowd that I thought had to be made up of at least half the community met our cars. I don't think so many strangers have ever just randomly hugged me. But at the same time, I felt very much like I had just finally come home, officially, now that my entire family was there.

Diane’s arms were around me before I even made it out of the car completely. I knew we’d been horrible to her leaving as we had, but I think she understood, after living through so many disappearing acts on the part of her kids. “Are you okay, Xan? I’ve been so worried.”

“I’m fine, Grandma. We brought Alex home, that’s all that matters.”

“I was so worried when I woke up the next morning and you and Isabel were gone. I wish you would have told me you were leaving.”

“It was kind of a spur of the moment thing. I’m sorry for worrying you.”

“It wasn’t until I saw Molly and realized that Seth had gone with you as well that I could even calm down a little. She promised to let me know how you were—“

“We couldn’t call,” I said. “It was too dangerous.”

“Oh, I know that, sweetie. It’s just I don’t want anymore disappearing acts out of you for a very long time. And the first time you use the old camping excuse on me, that your father used to give me—“

“I promise I won’t, Grandma.” I didn’t know how I was going to escape this guilt trip that only grandmothers can give until my father came over to us.

“Hi, Mom,” he said quietly.

“Max!” She exclaimed and flung her arms around him. “Oh, my God, I have been waiting so long to see you. I have been so worried about you!”

I watched my father hug her like a little boy who’d finally found his mother after hours of being lost in the mall. It was beautiful. I could see my mother a few feet away, just watching them with a few tears in her eyes.

I turned away from the mother-son reunion and immediately saw Molly. I felt almost as guilty when she hugged me and welcomed me home. I had taken her son away from her for all this time and I hardly think he had time to call her and let her know he was okay.

“I’m so sorry, Molly. I mean, about Seth—“

“Don’t you be sorry for anything Seth chooses to do, Xan. You couldn’t have stopped him anyway.”

“But he could have at least called. I know you had to be worried about him.”

“Oh, I have other ways of checking up on my son, Xan. I always knew he was okay.” She smiled. “Are you okay? I mean, with everything that happened back there?”

“I will be,” I said quietly.

Molly nodded. “Just remember that there are so many people who are here for you and supportive of you, Xan.”

“Thank you.” I smiled.

She laughed. “I’m going to go meet your mother and then I’m dragging my son home with me for at least 2 full days!”

I laughed. “I’ll see you soon, Molly.”

I watched as Alex had his arms wrapped around Isabel. She was whispering things to him, talking about the house and the ranch, I could tell. He seemed amazed by it all. They were the first to disappear into the house.

Michael and Maria were standing close together. It was weird that they weren’t touching. I guessed I always assumed that their relationship would be the fieriest out of the 3 couples. I figured they wouldn’t be able to take their hands off each other. But they were standing next to each other, almost as if they were wary of one another or couldn’t believe that it was really happening—that they were really together and nothing was going to separate them.

And my parents, holding hands as if they were made of a lifeline that would never be broken again, were surrounded by people, anxious to meet the woman my father had been in love with for as long as they knew him. My mother’s expression changed from being overwhelmed by everyone around them to being completely in awe each time she looked at my father for all he had accomplished. My father turned his head a little and caught my eye. He nodded, as if saying he wanted me to come over.

I went.

My dad wrapped his free arm around me. I had this silly image in my head of a royal family meeting their subjects all dressed up in those fancy clothes that were worn during the medieval period. And I guess that’s what this little scene was. The misplaced Royal Family of Antar was meeting its subjects for the first time as a family: king, queen, and princess.

As I was introduced to the endless group of people, all interested in knowing us, I couldn’t help my eyes from wandering. I saw kids playing further down the street; it looked like they were playing hopscotch. Several teenagers, all of who looked around my age, sat on the curb talking. Michael and Maria were flirting; she looked so happy. And in the far corner, standing beside his mother and a couple adults I didn’t know was Seth. And at the same time I found him, he looked up and met my eyes.

I wanted to look away or pretend I wasn’t looking or at least smile at him, but I couldn’t. It was like I was just frozen there, staring. And the worst thing was that even though I had been taught that staring at someone was bad and rude, I didn’t want to look away, not really. There was something...in just staring at him. I didn’t know what it was and for the first time in my life, I didn’t want to try to identify it. I just couldn’t look away.

My parents finally pulled me away and took me into our house a few minutes later. I looked behind us as we walked up the stairs, but I couldn’t find Seth. I tried not to label the feelings I felt at that as disappointment.

We had a big family dinner that night, with Michael and I cooking, of course. Maria tried to help a little, but I think she was mostly just in the kitchen to watch Michael. It would take some time to get used to being together again. Every once in a while, she’d start giggling and remind Michael about some event that happened while they were living in California during college. He’d look at her and smile, almost embarrassed and then laugh. It was so cute. Unfortunately, they wouldn’t give any details about anything, even when Maria asked about the French onion soup, which instantly made me intrigued. As long as I knew Maria, she would never eat that soup, saying it brought back bad memories. I guess they weren’t so bad after all.

We made a huge serving of lasagna. I knew my lasagna was Alex’s favorite. It seemed appropriate to have it the night he came home. We ate around an oval table and passed bread and food around until I thought I wouldn’t be able to make it up the stairs to my room.

“Xan, your father’s taking me on a tour of the ranch. Do you want to come?” My mother asked as she started carrying the dishes to the sink.

“Not tonight. I’m tired. Thanks, though.”

She laughed. “I guess it has been a busy couple days for you, huh?”

“Just a bit.” I laughed. “I think I’m going to go to bed.”

“Sleep well, Xan,” my mother kissed my forehead. “I love you, sweetie.”

“I love you guys, too.” I headed towards the stairs.

In my room, I first collapsed on the bed, happy to just be home. Then I sat up and reached into the backpack that was on my bed. I pulled my journal out, realizing I finally had the time and privacy to write all this out. I looked out my window. The same stars that were painted on my ceiling were out there, but for some reason, I wanted to be outside, closer to them. I crawled out onto the sloping roof and brought my journal out with me. I took a couple deep breaths, amazed at the purity in the air.

<center><i>***

We’re all home

I never thought I’d get to write that. I mean, I know that’s the goal but…for it to really happen. I just never expected it to feel so real. I just had my first entire family dinner, and it was awesome. Michael and I cooked lasagna. He is pretty good in the kitchen, after all. But I still think I can teach him a little. (Although I would like to learn the secret to the cheese fries at the CrashDown. Grandpa would never tell me that.)

Alex and Isabel are so cute. They just seem so comfortable together…even after all these years. I guess the dreamwalks were important after all. I can’t wait until my cousin is born! I have the feeling that just like I was raised by Mom, Maria, and Alex during the day and Dad, Isabel, and Michael in my dreams, this child will be raised by all of us. I can’t help but wonder if there will be more kids here soon. I mean, after all these years apart.. I want more siblings and cousins. I want to be a babysitter and role model and friend and whatever else they will let me be, even though I’ll most likely be an entire generation older than them.

Seeing my parents and aunts and uncles so happy and together is kind of making me jealous though. Will I ever have that? Will I ever be able to trust in those emotions enough to have it? I mean, like with Jeremy/Matt/bastard, I thought I loved him. And he turned out to be my enemy. Will I ever be able to trust my own emotions? And like with Seth…how could I ever trust that he wants to be with me and not just closer to my father? I’ve seen how much he idolizes him. I don't want to believe he’d use me and my emotions to get closer to him, especially not after all he has done lately to help me and my family out so much… but what if all he’s done has only been to get closer to him? What then?

Seth has this sense of destiny in him that I don’t think I want. I don't want to admit that things were pre-made or whatever. It goes against everything I have ever been taught. I’ve always learned that we make our own destinies; that’s practically mom’s motto, even in the fairy tales she used to make up for me when I was a little girl in love with the idea of being a princess with a prince out there waiting for her someday. Mom always said that it was a choice that the princess got to make about her prince.

Can I just make a choice? Can I just decide to trust Seth and his ideas as being about me and not about my father? Can I learn to just believe in the emotions again?

Do I want to? Do I really want to find someone to love me as much as my parents love each other? I mean, what if something bad happens? What if I were separated from him for the next 18 years? Would I be able to survive that? I’m not as strong as my mother. Do I want to put myself in the position to relive her life?

And why do I assume that I would? I mean, realistically, I don't think I’m going to be separated from the rest of my family for the next 18 years. I don’t think any of us would let that happen. But… I can’t help thinking.

Why am I worrying about a relationship right now anyway? I’ve just finally got my family together. Shouldn’t I be enjoying them? Won’t everything else wait for later? Do I want it to wait for later? I mean, my family found their soulmates when they were younger than me. What if I’m just denying it and questioning it because I’m afraid to find someone who might know me so well I can’t lie to myself anymore?

What am I lying to myself about?

***</center></i>


I looked up from my intense writing fit and turned my head towards the stars, which seemed so much brighter here than they were back at home. I felt like my entire world was lit up by these remarkable stars. I looked down to see what I could see on the ranch. And standing on the ground about 15 feet away from the house was Seth…staring at me.
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Part 67!!!!

Post by Transparent Clear »

FINALLY!!!!!!!!

A new part of Xan. :)
I had a hard time writing this because I could see a lot of different things happening in this scene, but while i was sitting on the beach (i had to throw that in there) i kind of realized that above all, no matter what, Xan is an 18 year old girl...and i had to be true to that. (Plus, she's my baby... i had to let her breathe.

so i hope you all enjoy it, and Michelle & Mary and everyone else who's read/bumped/thought about this story, thank you! I totally appreciate it.
*mwah*
Jenn


<center>Part 67</center>

For a moment, I flashed to the balcony scene in Romeo & Juliet. I loved that play. That image quickly changed to my mother looking down from her balcony at my father as he tossed a dozen white roses up to her. I couldn’t tell whose memory that was, my mother’s or my father’s, but I knew it was incredibly romantic and I was in awe that I could witness something so beautiful and feel it so intensely. I felt a sharp sting of jealousy that I had never felt it for myself.

“Xan,” Seth said as loudly as he dared, but I heard him loud and clear. I smiled down at him. “Come down here.”

I shook my head and watched as his face dropped. I looked around at the empty roof around me. “You come up here.” I knew that subconsciously I was setting something that I might not be prepared for up, something that I might not be able to change, something I might regret, but that didn’t stop me. His face broke into a huge smile and I watched as he climbed up the house. I wasn’t sure how he was doing it, but I couldn’t repress the jolt of familiarity that ran through me at the action. It was like I’d seen him do it before or like I had always known he would.

“Hey,” he said when he had seated himself a few inches from myself.

“Hi.” I heard the timidity in my own voice and hated it.

“How—“

“Does your mother know you’re out?” I smiled.

He grinned and shook his head a little. “I’m sure she knows, but she didn’t stop me.” He looked at the journal on the other side of me. “Writing about our adventures?”

“Someone has to record them for posterity.”

“What else did you write about?”

“I don’t know.” Something inside me forced honesty. “I guess I just wrote down the stuff I’d tell my best friend, Megan.” I frowned realizing how much I’d miss her yet again. “Of course, I can’t do that now, but—“

“You could talk to me, Xan.”

“No, I—“

“Yes, you can. I think we’ve formed a pretty solid friendship these last few days together.”

I looked at him and immediately knew what he was doing. He was trying to…prove himself to me…to show he was willing to alter his destiny so that it worked for me. He was giving me what I’d asked for. “Seth—“

“Xan, we are friends. You are the only person I know who understands how awe inspiring it is to see the Granolith. I watched you bond with it. No one else saw that, few even know what that means. We both do. I was the one who saw what you went through when you talked to Jeremy, Xan. Because even though you haven’t said a word about it yet, I saw your face. I saw the tears that rolled down your cheeks; I don’t think you even recognized them.”

I looked at him. I had cried?

“You’re my friend, Xan, and one of the few people I trust implicitly in this world. I just want to be your friend.”

I nodded. “I know, Seth. I just don’t know how to say what I’ve been thinking about ever since I got back to this ranch. I guess I feel kind of guilty for even thinking it.”

“Don’t judge yourself like that, Xan. Of course you’re feeling weird. You’ve just left everything and everyone you’ve ever known—any sense of normalcy you once lived in—and are now living in a city full of aliens that you’ve never imagined existed. That could lead to feeling some weirdness.” He smiled at me which made me have to smile back. I couldn’t help myself.

I didn’t want to smile though. I didn’t want to make all this seem simpler than it was in my head. For some reason, I felt like I needed all the complications to make it real. I needed the nitty gritty to allow myself to even process all that had happened. And through the processing, guilt came.

I felt so guilty for everything! For thinking about my potential soulmate—if I had such a person in this world—when I should just be grateful to be with my family. For thinking about the trust I put in people at a time like this. For mourning a future that seemed irrelevant now. And when I looked at Seth, all the guilt came pouring at me even more. Here he was, trying to put aside what he wanted to be there for me, because he thought I needed someone. But I didn’t deserve his empathy, not for this. And I didn’t think he could really understand, anyway. The guilt I felt was all because of…something I didn’t think I could explain to anyone. I mean, here I was getting everything I wanted. And I regretted what I had given up?

“Don’t be like that, Seth.”

“Xan—“

“Just don’t, Seth.” I said sadly. “I know you’re trying to be my friend, and I do appreciate it. I just—I don’t—“ I didn’t know what to say. All I wanted to do was go and hide in my room. I suddenly didn’t know how to protect myself--not when he was willing to let me be myself. God…3 months ago, I never would have had to think like this. I never would have ever wondered about how I presented myself to my friends or about what they wanted me to be. It wasn’t until I demanded to know all this stuff I thought I was ready for that everything I knew as me broke apart.

I immediately felt even more guilt for even thinking that. I finally had everything I had ever wanted growing up. I was living with my entire family. I was getting to know my father. My mother was happier than I could ever really remember. That was what was important, wasn’t it? The grown-up, mature part of me knew that it was. It was just the immature, silly, scared part of me that felt like I was losing an entire part of me—the confident, sure side, the side that didn’t question what I knew to be true…the side that knew me so well that I fit completely in my own skin…I’d never had any teenage awkwardness of who I was or how I fit into the world. I was Alexandra Isabella Maria Parker…that was all I needed to be.

But now I was completely Xan Evans. I was living this role for everyone now, not just my mom. And I suddenly felt very unsure of what that was. I didn’t know why I was unsure of that. I mean, wasn’t me being this person the reason we’d risked everything, our safety, the possibility of losing Alex to the FBI, everything that had ever mattered to our lives? And here I was—

I hated feeling this way! These thoughts and feelings always made me cry! And I didn’t want to cry in front of Seth. I needed to be strong for everyone else’s benefit. I needed to pretend to be in control, to know everything, to know...me. I could figure the rest out on my own later, but in front of everyone else, all those people who loved me, I couldn’t—

“Xan, are you okay? Why are you crying?” Seth had scooted closer to me and was sitting only a few inches away now.

I reached up and touched my cheeks. When had I started crying? I wiped the tears away quickly. “It’s nothing. I’m fine.” I tried to smile. “I guess I’m just not used to all this fresh air.”

“Xan—“

“I’m fine,” I insisted.

Seth looked at me for a moment. He really looked me in the eye. I felt frozen, like I couldn’t look away. It was like he was trying to see into my soul and was evaluating what he found there. I felt so uncomfortable under this stare, like I couldn’t do escape.

I saw something change in Seth’s eyes after a moment. The quiet determination to be my friend, to be there for me, was changing into something stronger, more intense. He broke the eye contact and walked over to the edge of the roof.

“Fine, Xan. I’m going to leave. You win.” He sounded so defensive.

His tone just pierced my heart. I didn’t want to hurt him; I just couldn’t--. “Seth—“

“Xan, don't worry. I’m fine. You don’t need to check on me.” He looked at me again. “You know, I came up here tonight because I thought you needed a friend. I pushed aside what you know I want because I thought you needed a friend more—“

I was ready with a comeback. I could feel my own defenses rising. But he cut me off with just a look.

“I thought you needed someone who could identify with what you’re going through, someone who could let you know that things will be okay.”

I couldn’t believe he’d just said that. He had no idea what I was going through, and I wasn’t going to let him stand there, all self-righteously thinking he did. “First of all, you have no idea what I’m going through. And secondly, you don’t know what my future will be like! You can’t say everything is going to work out because you don't know that, anymore than I do!”

“I don't know what you’re going through? God, Xan, I understand better than anyone, and if you’d step away from the pity party you’re having for yourself, you’d see that!”

I couldn’t believe him! I stood up. I wanted to be taller than him. “Pity party? You think I’m having a pity party?” I wasn’t having a pity party. That was what we used to accuse Maria of having every time she’d start pining for Michael.

“Well, aren’t you? You’re sitting up here feeling sorry for yourself!” He stepped back onto the roof. “This should be the happiest night of your life, but you’re sitting up here sulking.”

First a pity party, now sulking? I could not believe the gall of this boy! “You know what, Mr. High-&-Mighty? You’re right. This should be the happiest night of my life, and maybe I am up here sulking, but—” I hesitated, realizing what I was about to say.

“But what, Xan?” Seth’s entire tone changed. It was supportive and full of emotion again. I looked into his eyes and they were full of so much—hope, determination, trust, something I couldn’t name—I didn’t feel capable of saying to myself.

“But everything. I know I should be out with my parents or sitting in there listening to stories only my grandmother can tell. But I just feel so weird, different, like I’m not who I used to be.”

“Xan, you’re still the same person. Just because you found out you’re an alien doesn’t change who you are.”

I shook my head. “I’m not talking about finding out about that, Seth.” It seemed so inconsequential to me suddenly. Being an alien felt natural. So many other things didn’t.

“Then why do you feel different?”

“It’s not actually finding out that’s changed me. It’s everything that’s happened since.” I sat down, exasperated. Maybe I should try to explain this to my mother? She was more familiar with who I was. But at the same time, I felt like it was important for me to get all this stuff off my chest, and Seth was conveniently willing to listen. “You’ve got to understand who I am, who I was, Seth. I had this great childhood, this perfect upbringing. Maria, Alex, Mom, and I had this relationship that…it was just perfect. There was so much trust. I always felt secure, safe to be who I am. I never questioned who I was, how I should behave, anything like that.”

“So you weren’t insecure—“

“That’s just it, Seth. That’s how I feel now. I feel so insecure about everything. I used to trust everyone.” I sighed. “Obviously. I let the FBI into the heart of my life. Now I feel like I can’t trust anyone—least of all, myself.”

“Xan, it’s natural to be a little worried around other people.”

“I’ve never felt like this before, though, Seth. I’m not used to seeing a person and immediately wondering how they could hurt me. I don’t like doing it, either! But I don’t know how to stop it. I told myself to stop thinking like that, but I can’t!”

“Xan, it’s okay.”

“No, it’s not! That’s not who I am! It’s not how I want to live!” I couldn’t stop myself from crying. I didn’t want to. The old me never would have stopped my emotions. “How do I change this, Seth?” I looked up at him, wishing he had a magical answer for me.

Seth sat down beside me. “I don’t know, Xan.”

I shook my head and closed my eyes against all the tears I could feel building up. “That’s not exactly the answer I wanted to hear, Seth.”

He wrapped his arm around me and hugged my head to his shoulder. “I know, but it’s all I’ve got. You know you don’t have to worry about anyone here hurting you, Xan. You’re around people who are just like you. You’re their princess; they want to help you and protect you and know you. They won’t hurt you.”

“Rationally, I know that, Seth, but it’s just the rest of me that doesn’t.” I sighed hating that I was acting like a teenage girl with no clue. I’d never dealt with that before. “I just wish I could close my eyes and when I open them find out that everything has been a dream.”

“Everything?” Seth immediately questioned before I really understood the words that came out of my mouth. Damn teenageitis!

“No, not everything!” I rushed. “I just… I want to be normal again. I mean, I want to wake up in the morning and go back to having this normal existence. Like right now is more normal than my life ever was except for me. If life were perfect, I’d wake up in the morning in this house, knowing that my parents are sleeping down the hall from me—together! I’d make breakfast for the family and then go to school, like normal. And I’d see my boyfriend, the guy I’ve dated for months and years… but I can’t see that, because he was never real. I was all caught up in this illusion. I was never liked or loved by him for me; I was always just this mission for him to accomplish. I feel so completely stupid for not realizing it, and I’ll never be able to look at any guy now without wondering why he wants to be with me. Is he working for the government against my family? Does he only want to be with me to get closer to my father?” I immediately regretted that those words came out of my mouth in front of Seth, but I couldn’t stop myself. “And I don’t even know why I’m really thinking about any of that because odds are I’m never going to find someone out there for me—“

“Xan,” Seth tried to interrupt but I wouldn’t let him.

“No, I mean, I’m on this ranch now for the rest of my life. Everything I have ever dreamed of won’t happen now. I won’t get to go to college with Megan. I won’t get to join a sorority or date a frat boy. I won’t get to get drunk the night before a big test. I won’t oversleep through classes. I won’t be a normal kid. I’ll never go to college!” I was just really accepting how important that experience was to me. I’d grown up listening to stories from Mom, Alex, and Maria about the fun they’d had in college. I always assumed I’d do the same kinds of things, but now, that opportunity was gone. “Did you know that I always wanted to be a writer? I was going to major in Creative Writing. And now, when I have a whole world of experiences to write about, I’ll never get the opportunity. I’ll never be the person I always thought I would be, and I hate that, Seth! And then I hate myself for thinking like that, because I know how lucky I am to finally be with my entire family and stuff. I just…” I sighed unsure of where my words would take me. “I’m just so tired.” I turned my body so that I was leaning on him completely with my head hidden in the crook of his neck. I momentarily thought I should be worried about sitting like this on a rooftop but I just didn’t. I knew that Seth would make sure I was okay.

“Xan,” Seth whispered. His hand found its way to her hair and stroked it gently, noticing, despite trying not to, how soft it was. “I know you feel like you’re losing your entire future, like nothing you ever dreamed about will ever happen, but it might still. I mean, dreams change, don't they? You can still be a writer—“

“How can I publish when I have to hide from the rest of the world? I mean, no one can ever know who I am…or where I am—“

“Wasn’t J.D. Salinger just as reclusive in his later years? I guess the point is that you can make your dreams come true. You just have to find a way to make it happen.”

That so wasn’t what I wanted to hear. I mean, I’d expect that kind of lecture from my mom or Maria, but not from Seth.

“And as for getting married or falling in love, Xan, I think you’re really over-thinking all this. You’re 18, and no matter what anyone else says or wants, including me, you’re still young. You have a long time to do all that marriage and relationship stuff. Right now, you really just need to learn to be happy with yourself and figure out how you want to live. I know you said you’re scared of what people can do to you now, but I think that when push comes to shove, you’re going to have to figure out how you want them to treat you. You act like you’re a victim, and I understand why. But you haven’t been a victim since the minute I met you, Xan, and you left behind everything you knew and all those goals and pretenses to find the life you’ve always dreamed of. So now you have to decide which is more important to you. Thinking about the past or working on the future.” Seth hugged me once and then stood up. “And I need to get home so I can have a future.” He smiled.

“Seth—” I didn’t know what to say. Part of me wanted to deny everything he’d just said and remind him that none of this was my responsibility. I wanted to allow myself to find that comfortable groove of irresponsibility and youth. But the other part could acknowledge how mature he had been and how great a friend he was to me to be able to put aside all he wanted for the future to show me what I could have.

“G’night, Xan. And thank you for talking to me.” He smiled as he started to climb down the house. “I told you I could be a good friend.”

I watched him make it safely to the ground and then start walking towards his house without looking back. I was surprised by how much I really wanted him to look back. When I saw him reach his steps, I climbed back into my window, put my journal on my bedside table, and climbed into bed. I wound up staring at the stars on my ceiling for a while, with Seth’s words repeating through my head.

He’d given me a lot to think about. Maybe the real question was, what was I going to do?
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Post by Transparent Clear »

AN: Well, not only am I back from vacation, BUT I have now officially updated to WindowsXP (yes, Mr. Gates, we all love you after all.)And that means that as of right now, my computer is fully functional. YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Here's the latest part of Xan. I finished it about 5 minutes ago, and didn't really edit it... ::sigh:: but i think you'll forgive me for any typos or incorrect punctuation. I will warn you all that while job#2 (not to be confused w/ Job#1) does allow me time to write, working 2 jobs makes finding time to type kind of hard... for instance, since i came back from vacation 2 weeks ago, i have worked like 150 hours or so.... i'm afraid to actually count.

so hopefully, i'll be back soon!
thank you all for reading! i am soooo impressed by all of you for putting up with my long waits and ever0-rambling story.
Jenn


<center>Part 68</center>

I woke up the next morning to the feeling of someone climbing into bed with me. I intuitively knew that it was Maria. She always used to cuddle up with me when I was little. She’d said it was her favorite time of day.

I wondered now if she’d really ever enjoyed that—or if it simply reminded her of what she was missing out on. I immediately empathized with what Maria and Alex must have gone through when they moved in with my mom after Max, Michael, and Isabel had disappeared. How hard was it for them to cope with the loss of the people they loved the most when they had to deal with the sight of my mother—who at least had a reason to hold on, to live?

God, did it hurt for them to look at me those first few years? To take care of me wishing they were taking care of their own child? How much had I hurt them—when I’d wonder about my father and why he wasn’t’ with me? How many times as a toddler would I call them Mama or Daddy in confusion? How much did that hurt them to their souls? Had I made it harder—impossible—for them to move on?

“Xany,” Maria moved closer to me. She could always tell when I was pretending to sleep. “I know you’re awake, babe, so open your eyes.”

I looked at her. “Morning,” I said hoarsely.

“Good morning.” She smiled brilliantly. I’d always wished that I could smile like her. It just seemed to light up her entire face.

“What’s up?”

“That’s my question for you.” She looked me in the eye.

“Nothing’s up, Ria. I’m fine.”

“You know I hear you say that, but your eyes say something is up, and you need to talk about it.”

“Ria—“ I didn’t want to burden her with this. She should just be happy to be with Michael.

“And I heard you last night talking to Seth, Xan.”

“Oh.” I sat up in the bed and looked with great interest at my comforter.

“Xan, I hate that you feel that way. I think you need to talk about it.”

“Ria, I—“

“I’ve known you your entire life, Xan. Don’t start lying to me now.” She wrapped her arms around me. “You know you can talk to me about anything.”

I looked at her. “Did you ever hate me when I was a kid?”

“Xan!” Maria looked completely shocked by the question.

“I mean, you were pretty much confronted by the thing you wanted most—every time you opened your eyes. How could you not resent me?” There were hot tears in my eyes, and I kept taking deep breaths.

“Alexandra Maria Isabella, if I ever hear you say such a thing again, I will not be responsible for what happens!” I could sense the beginning of a Maria lecture coming on, and I knew I was powerless to stop it. “I have loved you since the very second I learned of the possibility of you! You are my best friend’s daughter although that isn’t the only reason I love you. When we all moved in together—in New York—after they left us, I wish you could have seen us. We were hopeless, Xan. We missed them so much it hurt to breathe most days. Alex and I should have been finding jobs, but it was all we could do to get out of bed every morning. Liz somehow did it. I thought back then that it was because of her medicine—that the healing made her feel connected to—closer to Max. And then she told us she was pregnant. It was like all of us came alive again. You gave us something to look forward to, something to hold on to. And Liz knew that because from the moment she told us, you weren’t just her baby. You were our baby. Liz forced the hospital to let both of us be in the delivery room. I was the first person to hold you.”

“What about my alienness? Weren’t you afraid something weird might happen?”

“Alex and I were. Liz always just knew everything would be fine.” She went back to her original topic. “I have always loved you, Xan. I always thought of you as my own—there was no way around it.”

“I love you, too, Maria. And you are like another mother to me. I loved growing up with you.”

She hugged me. “Thanks, kid.”

“Maria, can I ask you a question?”

“Of course.”

“Why didn’t you ever tell me that I’m an alien? Why did you all wait so long to do it? Was there a reason?”

Maria sighed. “I don’t know, Xan. When you were a baby, we used to wonder what powers you had or would have. Liz always thought you’d be a healer; she said it came from both sets of genes. I know Alex wanted you to be able to dreamwalk. He was already sharing the dreams with Isabel.”

“Which powers did you want me to have?”

She smiled. “I just wanted you to be happy. I thought that would be pretty powerful itself.” I smiled. I had always been happy growing up. “Way back then, we talked about Michael, Max and Isabel all the time, too.”

“Why’d you stop?”

“You were 2, and it was this bright beautiful day, the first real spring day of the year. So we took you to the park with a picnic and a loaf of break to feed the ducks. You always loved that,” she smiled remembering. “You used to name the ducks based on all the Disney movies you used to watch. We used to laugh, but it was so cute. Do you remember Nemo? He was this cute little white--” She realized she was drifting from the topic. Anyway, everyone in New York seemed to have the same idea. There were people all over the place. There was even this guy who looked kind of like Michael—but anyway, you looked up at Liz with your little brown eyes and said in a perfect little voice might I add, ‘Mommy, what’s an alien?’.” I smiled at the image of that. I could clearly imagine their reactions. “We all kind of looked at each other and immediately realized how much trouble we could be in. You were just a little girl—incredibly bright and intuitive, smarter than we could have imagined, more trusting then we could ever remember being ourselves—but you were a little girl. How could we expect you to protect our secret? Especially if you couldn’t understand why we were keeping it?”

“So you decided to just stop talking about them and never tell me the truth about myself?”

“No, not never, Xan. We were just going to wait till you were older and could understand.”

“So you waited until I was 18?”

“I didn’t want to wait that long, Xan, none of us did. At first, we were going to wait until you were older—maybe 10 or 11. And then you turned 10, and you were playing soccer. You were convinced you were going to play on the Olympic team. And we just decided to wait till you were 13. But then you were spending all that time with other girls your age, and you felt so normal. We didn’t want to take that away. It just became—“

“Easier to not tell me.”

Maria didn’t correct me. “But we always talked about telling you, Xan. We wanted to. We knew you needed to know. We just—you were so happy. You had this incredible life, and we never really knew when or even if we’d ever really be reunited with Max, Michael, and Isabel. We argued over how much good it would do to tell you about it when we couldn’t provide you with people who understood what might be happening to you. Alex especially said that. He really knew how alone Isabel had always felt. We didn’t want that for you.” She looked at me. “I’m not saying that we made the right decision, Xan. We did what we could, what felt right. We thought we were taking care of you.”

Part of me wanted to hug Maria and tell her I knew how she felt, that I understood why she’d done it because part of me did feel that way. But the other part of me was just so confused. I mean, everything in my life has just imploded and it’s like I’m just expected to understand it all. I can’t understand. I want someone to explain it to me! I want someone to just explain it to me as if I’m the child I feel I am. I don’t want to figure this out for myself. I don’t know how. Everything I built my identity on is suddenly gone. I mean, I literally do not know what I’m doing. I always thought of myself as strong, that I didn’t need a father to be successful or happy—because I had my mom and Alex and Maria, but now…it feels like everything I am is dependent upon my father. And I want to trust him, I mean, I know I can trust him. I just don't know how. And I can’t tell my mother that or my father. It would hurt them both way too much!

I wished I would stop being so damn considerate of everyone else’s feelings. I mean, did they consider my feelings when they just decided to not tell me what I am? Did they consider my adjustment when they kept lying to me? I know I had been so insistent that I get to come, get to live here. I just don’t think I really knew what I was getting myself into. How could I have predicted this feeling of alienation against everything I had ever known?

“Maria—“

“Xan, I know this is hard. I mean, I know it has to be because obviously I have never had any real experience with it. I just think you need to talk to your mom about it. Or Max. We all love you so much, Xan, and we are all here to help you in whatever way we can. I just don’t want you to close down to try to process this. That’s never worked with anything revolving our little secret here. The only way all of us made it through our teen years was by being completely honest with one another. I hope you can be.” She kissed my forehead and climbed out of the bed.

“Ria—“

“I’m right down the hall if you need me. And your mom is on the other side of you.” She looked at me with those freaky all-knowing eyes. “We’ll be here when you’re ready.”

Maria shut the door behind herself. I just couldn’t help but wonder if I’d ever be ready to talk about all this.[/b]
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Part 69

Post by Transparent Clear »

AN: Well, dear readers, I've learned something new about my darling Xan today...Just like her writer, she tends to over think. Lucky for you, i was at a computer while she was overthinking and i decided to just post what i wrote tonight b/c 1) I hate being a writer who doesn't update regularly) and 2) Maxzhot has been waiting quite patiently...and 3)well, honestly, Michelle's getting kind of restless...and i'm a little afraid of what comes after 'grrr, snarl'
I hope you enjoy her little mindtalk.
Oh, and good news, I've thought of another way to continue this story. :)
*mwah*
Jenn



<center>~*~Part 69~*~</center>

I spent the rest of a pretty miserable day by myself. I skipped breakfast and then just started walking around the grounds. I didn’t go back to the house for lunch—even though I knew my family would be worried. I just felt like I needed to be alone, separate, like I needed to make my internal feelings match my physical location.

I was just so afraid that if I even looked at my family everything I was feeling would pour out and I wasn’t sure—I didn’t want that! I just wanted to figure all of this stuff out! And I felt like I had to do that alone. I mean, how could any of them ever understand what it’s like to have your entire world shift—and you’re suddenly questioning who you are. I mean, I know that the world shifted when Mom, Maria, and Alex found out the truth about aliens, but they had each other—and their aliens. I know that I had everyone around me, but none of them could understand how it felt to have such a change happen and try to figure it out without going insane. None of them had lived their entire life thinking they were this normal girl…only to discover that they were anything but normal. That they never could be normal. That they’d been living a lie that wouldn’t stop for years.

But that lie had finally stopped—by my own questions. And everything had fallen apart. I’d thought at first that it was like everything was falling into place finally, but looking back, my world was in place! I knew who I was and what I was going to do with my life. And then suddenly, all of that changed.

I wished I had my journal. It would have made things so much easier to record all this to think about later, but here I was sitting in the middle of some random field that I’d never seen before today…and the thoughts were coming and not allowing me to not think them or obsess over them. So I’d have to put up with them.

I wondered what I’d be doing if I were back home…in the house I’d grown up in. Would Jeremy still be pretending to love me? Would I still believe in him? Would I have ever developed these powers that I can’t help but want to learn about? Wouldn’t that have just shocked me if one day I was sitting at the local Starbucks with a chilly coffee from talking to my friend, and I ran my hand over it and it was suddenly warm. I would have thought I was going crazy. And I probably would have told Megan way before I would have told my mother. I probably would have even told Matt first.

God, Matt…. Sometimes it was still hard for me to distinguish between Matt and Jeremy. I think I allowed myself to forget that there was a Jeremy, focusing only on this guy who I’d thought was perfect for me. I should have known he wasn’t real because he was always doing the things I childishly dreamed a boyfriend would do. He danced with me, real slow dancing…and I felt so real and safe in his arms. I knew people were so jealous of me—for being with him…and I loved that! I loved knowing he’d chosen me, and trying to wrap my head around the fact that he had to pretend to love me or want to be with me…it hurt. It killed my ego, and I didn’t like that at all. I wanted to believe that at some level, Matt really did care about me, that he forgot that I was a potential-alien and just focused on the me he knew. I wanted to believe that those nights when we’d go dancing and he’d run his fingers across the bottom of my back, he was thinking about me and how much fun he was having with me, not what the inside of me looked like. I wanted him to have laughed because he thought I was funny—not because his mission said to make me think he loved me. I wanted him to have kissed me because the moment really was right, not because he thought it would further his mission parameters. How could someone fake that look he sometimes got in his eyes of such…passion, love? Was he thinking about someone else during those times?

I hate the fact that for the rest of my life, any time I meet a guy, I will compare him to Matt. I mean, that was completely unfair but I knew I would. I would always wonder if he had a motive behind dating me. I felt cynical and old all of a sudden, and I’d always thought that 18 was pretty young. I was afraid to think that I might really never believe in love again. I didn’t want to not believe in that which my entire life had once been based on. I’d been so obsessed with love growing up. That’s why I’d been so angry with my father for all those years. I thought he was denying my mother a chance at ‘real’ love by holding whatever they’d have over her head. I didn’t understand that what she has with him is the realest love my mother would ever want to experience. Would I ever experience anything close to that? Could I if I was always curious about his motives?

I just felt like I was being robbed of so many things I had always taken for granted. And I hated to realize that.

What was happening to Megan? She doesn’t know any of this; she just knows she lost her best friend to circumstances I couldn’t trust her with. What kind of a best friend was I? I wondered if I should have told her everything? Would they have insisted she come with us? I felt bad calling my family they. It felt so accusatory, but maybe that’s how I needed to treat them right now. After all, wasn’t I essentially accusing them of stealing my life? Was Megan accusing me of destroying our friendship? I wondered if the FBI had questioned her about my disappearance. Was she left with more questions about me than she wanted to think about? Did she hate me now?

I knew I could dream-walk her to find out the answer to that question, but I didn’t want to intrude on her like that. I didn’t want to be a silent observer to my friend’s life…and yet, that was what I had resigned myself to being the moment I dropped that letter in her locker. Had she cried when she read it? Did she rip it up and swear to never speak to me again? I should have tried to tell her the truth. At least if she had freaked out and called the FBI, involving them in my life, I would have felt more in control of them. Instead, I just felt like a victim to them…because of my past and eventual future.

Oh, God, my future? What the hell was that going to be now? I mean, I knew that I could take Seth’s opinion/advice/whatever you wanted to call it and write. I would write no matter what. I needed that release. And I knew I could probably get published without having to reveal myself to too many people. But what about the rest of my future, and I don’t mean the relationship part. I was the daughter of a King. That made me a princess. And in every fairy tale I’ve ever read or been read, there was always some loophole in Princess-hood that required her to do something she really didn’t want to: kiss frogs, marry idiots instead of her true love, sleep for hundreds of years. What would the loophole in my life be? I mean, what were all these people who lived on this ranch be expecting from me? I know at some point my father had mentioned that he had changed the way things were run, that it was much more democratic, but these aliens remembered a time when the royalty took care of them or whatever. Was I supposed to do that? Would my opinion be important and matter more than the normal person’s? Would people seek me out on issues that I could never understand or care about? Would they want me to marry someone simply because he was supposed to be my destiny?

Rationally, I knew my father would never make me do that, and he’d never put me in any situation I wasn’t ready for. But irrationally, I couldn’t help but think about all the things I was now involved in that I had no clue about. I lived on a ranch. Never in my life had I ever wanted to or even thought about living on a ranch. What did one do all day? Were there chores, like in those Little House on the Prairie books my mother had read to me when I was little? Would I be milking cows or sheering sheep or something ruggedly country domestic like that? Since I wouldn’t be going to college now, what role would I have in life? Princess? Would I just be living with my parents forever now? I mean, wasn’t 18 the age when most kids moved out and got apartments or dorm rooms? Would I ever get to know that thrill of independent living? Or even living with some friends? Of course, my friends weren’t here for me to live with…but still…. Would my parents and aunts/uncles continue to treat me like a child or would I finally be in a position where I was treated more like an equal? I imagined they’d have a small problem doing that, seeing as how to half the family, I was still a baby. They’d not really been there for the whole growing up stage; would they accept that I was an adult now? Would my opinion matter or be disregarded? Would I ever be truly free again? Would I ever know that sensation that comes with knowing you are what you are and you can’t change and you don’t want to change ever fill me again?

I felt like it wouldn’t. Something that I considered essential to that was missing: knowing what I am. I didn’t know when I’d ever get that feeling, that knowing, back.

I laid on my back in the field, hidden by tall grass. I looked up at the sun and couldn’t help wondering who I was. I fell asleep thinking about that. I’d only been asleep for 5 or 10 minutes when I heard a voice in my head.

“Xan?”
Locked