Roll of a Fool. L/Z. Chapter 5. Mature. 07.09.08 [WIP]

[The One & Only]

Title: Roll of a Fool
Couple: Liz/Max, Liz/?, the rest C/C
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the roswell characters or anything like that. Just borrowing.
Summary: This is a story about being happier than you could ever dream of, and have everything you could possibly want, but what if that's just not enough? Can you learn to be happy and grateful with what you have? Or must you take that chance and go after the one thing you're sure you'll never be able to have?
Author's Note: Hi all, I am Danielle and this is my first fic. Please tell me your honest opinions. Good, bad and ugly. But I'm hoping for the good ones.

Prologue

I've fallen in love. Real, true, so sweet your teeth hurts love. It's got to be love. When I'm with him I think of nothing else. I can actually sleep when he's with me. He gives everything just for me. I've truly never met a man like him.

I've only dated jerks. My first boyfriend, my high school sweetheart beat me. My ex-fiance cheated. But this one... this one is the man I've been waiting for.

----

"Liz. Baby. It's time to get up." Max's soft, husky voice broke through her dark, sleep filled haze.

"Ugh."

"C'mon baby. We've got a lot to do today." He throws open the curtains to expose the room in the harsh light of the sun.

"I don't wanna." Liz groaned out as she pulled the covers over her head in an attempt to block out the offending light.

"I made you that cinnamon coffee with too much sugar that you love so much." Max says in a sing song tone as he grabs the coffee mug off the night stand.

Her head slowly peeks out of the thick white duvet. Interest has peeked her attention. "Deal." She says as she sits up and steals the coffee from him as though he would dare drink it himself. A soft chuckle causes her to shift her eyes away from the heavenly drink and back on the dark haired, amber eyed stature.

Liz's eyebrow perks up questioningly. "You know I don't drink caffeine. There's no need to get all territorial on me." He answers her silent question.

Max leans down to kiss her forehead. "Get showered and dressed. We have a long day of errands to run today. I'll meet you in the kitchen with breakfast waiting. I love you."

Liz just nods her head and savors her coffee, half listening to the words he said. "I love you too." She mumbles over the lip of her 'Best Girlfriend in the World' mug.

---

We've been together for just over 2 years now, and I am just as smitten as when we first met. He still wakes up early and makes my coffee just the way I like it, even though he hates coffee. He still holds me and runs his fingers through my hair when I can't get to sleep . He opens every door for me. He will hold my hand when we're driving in the car. He's everything a girl could ask for.

...Then why am I longing for someone else?


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A/N: so... good or bad? Should I continue?
<3 Danielle

[The One & Only]

Chapter One

"Okay, I want you to take a deep breath."

She inhales deeply, unable to reply.

"On the count of three I want you to exhale. One... Two... Three."

Exhale.

"Alright. You're all done. Look in the mirror and tell me what you think."

Liz stood and wandered over to the full length mirror and peered at the small, shiny hoop that glittered on the left side of her bottom lip. She smiled.

"I love it!" She exclaimed a little too loudly. Her life had become a routine. A nice routine, but a dull one at the same time. The faint feeling of drowning seemed to choke her every time she walked through the threshold to the home she shared with Max. He was a great guy. Really he was. He just was... well, dull.

"If I wanted a marshmallow, I would go to the grocery store." Liz mumbled, not realizing she had thought out loud.

"Marshmallow's 'eh?"

Startled she turned to face the offending voice. His eyes were beautiful. Truly something to lose yourself in. Scanning her eyes further she sees his shaggy jet black hair, covered by a black pin-stripped hat cocked off-centered. His skin was bronzed. His ears gaged with green posts in them. His lip pierced in the middle, as well as his right eye brow. His chest was covered by a fitted volcolm tee. His arms exposed the most beautiful tattoos. Stars traveling up and down creating a whole new galaxy on his arm. His pants were black dickies and his feet clothed in converse.

"You gots no voice?"

Her eyes darted back up to those round honey pools. Startled, not realizing she had been staring.

"I-I...I hate marshmallows." Liz squeaked out. For some reason her voice wasn't working in his presence. Her heart was beating a little too fast.

"So, hows your mans gunna like tha new jewelry?" He asks pointing to her lip ring. She raises her hand to it, as if reminding herself of what she just did.

"Oh... He doesn't know I did this. I doubt he will like it too much. He doesn't exactly like change."

"Ha. So yous rebelled against yous own boy? Sounds like yous ain't too happy."

Silence.

"Listen, I'm playin' at this new bar 'The Ringer'. Yous should come up tanight."

"Playing?" Her confusion is obvious.

"Yea, yous know. Guitar, Me, Play. Sing, Make Noise. Put together. Iz called a song." His sarcasm is thin. He's flirting.

"Ha Ha. You're really funny there. I almost forgot to laugh there Asshole." The words came out so fast she shocked herself that she had even muttered them, let alone meant any of it. A roar of laughter sent a sigh of relief through her body. His laughter was thick and rich, almost as if it wasn't meant to be heard by mere humans.

"I like yous. Iz Zan by tha way. Whats yours name? Or should Iz jus call yous Angel?" He smirked.

"Angel would be perfect."

"Angel its is then." He smiled a toothy smile exposing the dimple in his left cheek. Liz couldn't help but find it attractive.

"Well, I've got to go. I'll see you tonight Zan." Her voice faltered at the thought of leaving.

"Aight. See yous there Angel."

She smiled.

-----

The drive home was shorter than she would have liked. She wasn't ready to face Max. She wasn't ready to hear his speech about how this makes her noticeable. She wasn't ready for any of it. All she wanted was to sit and ponder on the days events. She just wanted to remember every word, every look, every moment of her meeting with Zan.

Liz took the keys out of her black 2003 Centennial Edition Ford Mustang GT. She had gotten it when her and Max had first gone on the run from the FBI. Had figured she would need something fast and reliable if she was in a pinch. She had also learned how to drive stick just for that very reason.

Her thoughts traveled back to Zan, and couldn't help but compare him with Max. He was taller, broader, had more muscle mass, had a humor, and wasn't boring. He seemed as though he actually knew how to have fun. "There's a plus" She thought. She hadn't even realized she was already inside her apartment.

"What the hell did you do?!"

"Oh shit"

"What are you talking about?" She asked innocently.

"You know damn well what I'm talking about?!" Max boomed. "Take that shit out! You look like some emo, punk rock groupie."

Defiance flared up in Liz. She had taken so much shit for that man. She was 24 years old dammit! She had given up her life for him. Had joined him when he had to flee. She could pierce her lip if she wanted to!

"Why the fuck do you care?! I can do whatever the hell I please, you do NOT own me!"

With that she left just as quickly as she had arrived. She needed time to think. She needed air. She needed to cool down. She needed Zan.

----

His hands were all over her. Her back thrown into the harsh, unforgiving brick wall. Legs wrapped around his waist. Throaty moans exhaled as his lips attacked her neck and collar bone, roughly nipping at the skin exposed.

"More." Her voice was barely audible but he heard. A growl escaped his lips. Fingers were hastily unbuttoning jeans and lifting up her skirt.

"Oh, god. More. I need more." Desire and lust laced every inch of her rich voice as she moaned. Needing to feel him everywhere. Needing to feel alive for once.

"Anything Angel. Anything." He was rough and unforgiving in his actions but his words spoke volumes when it was spoken in the softest tone. Promising her the world.

...But then again. It's not like she wasn't promised the world before.


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A/N: I know... hate me all you want. But I had to stop there. I was too excited, I had to post it early.

Love it or hate it?

[The One & Only]

Chapter Two

2 months later

Hello, tell me you know
Yeah, you figured me out
Something gave it away
And it would be such a beautiful moment
To see the look on your face
To know that I know that you know now

She was here every Thursday. She needed to see him. Needed to hear him. His voice was beautiful.

Zan sat on a hard wooden stool strumming his guitar, singing his newest song. It hasn't been heard by her ears yet. His eyes fixed completely on her as she sat in the back of the room, shadows covering her face. He hated when he couldn't see her eyes.

And baby that's a case of my wishful thinking
You know nothing
Cause you and I
Why, we go carrying on for hours, on and
We get along much better
Than you and your boyfriend

Liz listened intently knowing that all of his songs carry meaning for him. This is his new one, she knew that because she had watched him writing it a few weeks ago. She wondered if it was written for her. Probably. He hasn't held back on his emotions for her. He loved her. Told her so last week. And the week before.

Well all I really wanna do is love you
A kind much closer than friends use
But I still can't say it after all we've been through
And all I really want from you is to feel me
As the feeling inside keeps building
And I will find a way to you if it kills me
If it kills me

Zan wondered if she was going to come back to his place after the show. She usually does. He cherishes Thursdays. Thursdays are his time with her. Especially since she's with his dupe. He thoughts briefly cast off to a question that passes through his head more often than not. I wonder if he gets flashes of me.

Well how long, can I go on like this,
Wishing to kiss you,
Before I rightly explode?
This double life I lead isn't healthy for me
In fact it makes me nervous
If I get caught I could be risking it all

Max is starting to ask where she's going. He's beginning to stay up and wait for her. They fight too much. He wants to know why they won't make love anymore. She wants to know why he's become so controlling. Neither can answer the questions. She wont touch him anymore. It hurts that the spark isn't there. It hurts that he might see her with him. It hurts that he might find out her secret. It hurts that she can't leave him.

Baby there's a lot that I miss
In case I'm wrong
If I should be so bold
I'd ask you to hold my heart in your hand
Tell you from the start how I've longed to be your man
But I never said I would
I guess I'm gonna miss my chance again

He knows her secret. He knows and he's thrilled. He wants her to tell Max. He wants her to leave Max for him. She's a glutton for punishment though. She likes her routine. He knows that. He knows her. He's seen inside her soul. He sees her every Thursday. She doesn't know. She doesn't want to know.

----
"WHY WON'T YOU LEAVE HIM?!"

"Because I love him."

"NO!! NO YOU DON'T! YOU LOVE THE IDEA OF HIM!"

"You don't know me. You don't know anything!"

"I know everything. I know that you can't bare to tell him the truth. To tell me the truth. I know you're too much of a chicken shit to do anything about it! I know that you still come every Thursday to see me, to sleep with me. To use me."

"I- I'm not using you"

"YES YOU ARE! Yes, you are. You either leave him and stay with me. Or you don't come back."

"But-"

"No. No buts. I want you to leave. Make your decision. I guess I'll find out your answer next week."

_____________________________________________
A/N: I know, I know... kinda angsty. But you like?

Song: If it kills me- Jason Mraz.

[The One & Only]

Chapter Three

"Where do you go every week?" His voice was solemn. Quiet. Scared almost.

Liz's head snapped up. Max was sitting on their couch his head in his hands. He wouldn't look at her. Normally he would be asleep, or so she thought. She just stood there for the longest time, contemplating his question. He's asked her this before, to which she just replied 'out', but this time it felt different. It felt like an ultimatum almost.

"Do you really want to know?" Liz finally found her voice.

He looked at her, for what seemed like hours, but it was actually only a few mere minutes.

"I-I don't know. I mean, I have my suspicions. But, I don't know if I can stand to hear you say it." Max's confession was more than she could bare. Liz dropped to her knees and sobbed from the stress of it all. From the guilt that weighed heavily on her shoulders, from the running around, from the secrets, from the love that they had, from the love that she didn't even know existed. Max was by her side then. He engulfed her in his arms and just let her cry as his own tears ran down his face.

When her sobs began to calm down Liz lifted her head and stared at him. For the first time in months she saw him. She saw the hurt she had put him through. All that pain that he had bottled inside. The pain she had caused. She couldn't help herself. She saw the man she had fallen in love with. The man she still loved. She kissed him.

And then the flashes started. They explained everything. All of his questions that he held for her were answered. Max broke the kiss, unable to see anymore. He backed himself away from her, no longer wanting to feel her skin against his. He leaned against the wall in their foyer. His eyes closed, sweat beading on his forehead.

"I'd ask why but I already know."

Silence.

"So, have you told him?"

"No."

"I think he should know."

"I can't."

"You should! He probably already knows! I mean hell, Liz! I even knew you were pregnant and it's not even my child!"

"Y-You think he knows?" She was scared.

"YES!"

"Huh... So that's what he was talking about."

"You think?! God, you can be so thick headed sometimes."

This produced a laugh. Between them both. Then silence followed.

"Do you hate me?" She asked when the silence became too much.

"No. I love you." He told her honestly.

"I love you too, just-"

"Not the way you wish." He finished.

"Yea."

"Go."

She sent him a questioning look.

"Go to him. He deserves the truth."

Liz just smiled.

_______________

A/N: Short I know, but I want the next part to be perfect.

[The One & Only]

Chapter Four

He lied to her. Said he would love her forever. Said he would never leave her.

He lied. But then again, I guess she never really knew him.

He was a free spirit. Someone who never let a woman tie him down. Someone who just left when things got too much to handle. That's exactly what he did to her. He left. But then again, leaving was what she was good at too.

"Hi."

He looked up at her in surprise. Shock clearly registered on her face. I guess he wasn't expecting her to come back so soon.

"I thought I told you to come back next week with your answer."

"I know, but I have it now."

He sat on the couch staring blankly at her. Waiting.

She didn't know exactly how to put any of it into words. Words were too hard. So she walked over to him and kissed him. Hard. Willing him to see what had transpired since they had fought earlier that evening. He kissed her back. That is until the flashes started.

"I see you've made your choice."

A questioning look crossed her face.

"You can leave now, I have business to attend to."

He stood up causing her to fall off the couch. Complete confusion engulfed her entire being. Moving was not an option for her at the moment. Her body wouldn't allow it. All she could do was just stare at him with hurt and questions marring her face.

"Ava, we need to leave if we're going to make that appointment."

It was then that she noticed the petite blonde. It was then that she was able to see he had made his choice. And it wasn't her. It was then that she saw how he had lied.

She went back to the apartment she shared with Max. She wanted to tell him what had happened, but no words were formed. All she could do was cry. He opened his arms and held her for the second time that night. He told her he would never leave her. That he would love her until the end of time. That Zan never deserved her.

She took comfort in his arms, but not his words. She didn't want his empty promise. She didn't need his lies.


---------------


Zan couldn't eat. He could barely breathe. All he knew was that she was with his dupe. She had made her choice and it was the one he honestly didn't think she would make. But then again, who could love a man like him? Who would want a man who leaves when things get tough? A man who could promise the world but never deliver? A man who didn't know how to love?

It's been three months now since she came that night to tell him he wasn't who she wanted. Three months, and she's still carrying his child. She's making a home with his dupe. He watches her as she goes shopping for their child. It's a girl. He already knew that, but she buys all pinks and purples. He bought stuff too. He has an entire nursery set up in his home. Just for his little girl. His daughter that he will never get the chance to meet.

"I thought I told you to come back next week with your answer." He tried not to sound anxious.

"I know, but I have it now." She had a small smile on her face.

It only took her a minute or so to make to across the room and into his lap. Her lips firmly held onto his. He gripped onto her and kissed back with fever. She chose him. He couldn't believe it. But then the flashes started.

She was in Max's arms crying.

She looked up at Max, and saw the man she loved. The man she still loves.

"Do you hate me?"

"No, I love you."

"I love you too."

"I see you've made your choice." He stood up, not wanting her to see how she's hurt him.

Why was there confusion on her face? All that did was fuel his anger. Did she honestly think that she could have them both?

"You can leave now. I have business to attend to."

No, he wouldn't look at her. He didn't want to see how much he was hurting her.

"Ava, we need to leave if we're going to make that appointment.

------------------------------

AH! Are y'all starting to get it now? See, she didn't get off that easy. Max got what he wanted. Sorry if you all hate it.

[The One & Only]

Chapter Five

It's been 3 months, and she still couldn't sleep at night. The only nights she did get sleep was when she cried until she passed out from complete exhaustion. Tonight was not one of those nights. Tonight was a night filled with depressing thoughts. She willed herself to cry, but the tears wouldn't come.

Zan was at the coffee shop last week. With her. The girl from his apartment.

Liz wanted to talk to him. Needed to talk to him. Not for her, but for her baby. She looked at the clock.

2:37 AM. She looked down at her tea. It was cold now.

She grabbed her jacket and ran out the door.

---------------------------

"Who in the hell is here at this hour?" Zan mumbled to himself more curious than angry.

Maybe he would have been angry if he was able to sleep, and his slumber had been disturbed. But really all that the visitor was providing was a distraction.

The door swung open.

Silence.

His eyes drank her in. Memorizing every little detail of her. Not knowing why she was there, or really caring. Her hair was dingy and clung to her face. She wore a gray tank top with no bra because her breasts had filled out quite a bit. An old stained leather bomber jacket hung off her shoulders. Mens basketball shorts rested low on her hips letting her rounded belly hang over. Her legs bare, and her feet were shoeless.

"You have no shoes on." But it was snowing out.

"Huh?" She looked down.

"Oh. Yea, I was kind of in a h-hurry."It was cold, and she was shivering.

Zan quickly pulled her inside. Moving to the couch he sat her down and pulled the fleece throw off the chair and covered her legs. He sat on the other end of the couch.

"Why are you here Liz?"

"Oh. Um, ... y-you know, oddly enough. I can't remember now."

"Well, ok then. Did you want some coffee then? Maybe some tea, or I can warm up some mil-" He was walking towards the kitchen.

"I miss you." Her words halted his movements.

"Why?" His back still facing her. His voice soft.

"Because you're you." She stated matter-of-factly.

"I don't get it Liz, you chose him." He was sitting back on the couch but wouldn't look at her.

When he did spare a glance, he saw that confusion again, the same confusion from last time. This time he didn't get angry.

"No. No, I chose you. It's always been you." It was his turn for confusion.

"But the flashes. I saw them. You told him you loved him."

"I did. But I didn't love him the way I love you. He understood that. He told me to go to you. To tell you the truth."

"Oh."

Silence again.

"What about that girl? The blonde."

"Ava? She's my little sister."

"Oh."

More silence.

"I'll take that tea now." He looked up. Thankful for the opportunity to break the awkwardness. He smiled as he made her tea. Making sure to prepare it the way she liked, light honey and extra lemon, he walked back into the living room.

"Your tea's ready. I hope you still like it with honey an-" His eyes landed on her sleeping form. His smile turning into a smirk. She always had a way of ending a perfectly awkward conversation.

He put her tea on the table and quietly closed the distance between them. Picking her up he walked her into his room and laid her on his bed.

It was when he took of the over sized jacket that he really got a good look at her for the first time in months. Her eyes had sunken in and were marred with dark circles. Her skin had paled considerably. Her breasts had grown about 2 cup sizes, and her belly had rounded. But she was so thin.

Sighing Zan promised to talk with her about their child in the morning. He took his shirt off and crawled into bed pulling the covers up around them both.

------------------

It was during the night that they had found the courage to touch one another again. Their bodies instinctively pulled together. Sleep had finally been granted the two of them for the first time in months. Dawn began to whisper across the horizon, and with it came promises of a new day, a new life, and yet a new challenge.