Wall of Ice (M/L, AU, Adult) AN 7/12 [WIP]

[baby_bre]

Title: Wall of Ice
Author: Baby_Bre
Genre: AU
Couples: M/L
Rating: Adult
Disclaimer: The characters of Roswell do not belong to me. It belongs to Jason Katims, Melinda Metz and some other peoples.
Summary: Being betrayed by the person you love is hard, letting them back in is even harder.
Author’s Note: This is my first fic that I've actually tried a 'sex' scene in so please be gentle. I hope you guys like the fic, it will be filled with lots of angst (or well some) but don't worry like I've said in the past I'm a happy ending kind of gal.

((Thanks so much dreamer<3 for the AWESOME banner!!!))


Chapter One

"I want you like I've never wanted anything." His words mean nothing to me, but his eyes flash with a hunger that turns my insides to mush. His eyes, they're dark, so very dark and the passion lingering in his stare makes me weak, his eyes hold an intensity that sends shivers up and down my spine.

"We can't do this, not again, we can't keep going down this road." I tell him firmly, I can already feel his fingers slipping under the hem of my shirt. Every touch sends tingles down to my core, I want him, no I need him, there is no denying it or getting around how badly my body longs for him but I don't want him knowing that I ache for his touch.

"I love you." He states it simply while his fingers run softly up and down my back, each brush of his finger tips burn. I want to be with him, I want to feel his naked body against mine, I want to feel him inside of me. I ache with need but I can't keep hurting myself. I can't let him take what he wants and be done with it, not again, not this time. I won't be just another place for him to stick his dick.

"No, you love fucking me." I correct him, anger rising to the surface. If he really loved me as he says, then why did he take her to his bed? Why did I find them there, wrapped in an intimate embrace with him thrusting into her? How could he have done that to me, if he loved me so fucking much?

For someone who so desperately wants me, he doesn't show it by doing that. He wants what he has always wanted, something he can't have, it's a need for something that's out of his reach and that's exactly what I am, out of his reach.

"That's not true." He says a frustrated sigh escapes his lucious lips, I can feel his hardness, it's pressing against me and I want him to take me, I want him to ravage my body. I want to hear him moan out my name because I know that if I let him he will. I want to feel him lose his last remaining shred of control, but I can't let it happen, I can't forget what happened and pretend like everythings fine.

"Isn't it though?" I question him, a growl is heard low in his throat, I'm irritating him and I know it. He's told me that he doesn't want to talk about this, that he doesn't want to discuss the fact that I found him fucking her, doing things he's only done to me with my best friend, the only person in this world aside from him that I thought would never hurt or betray me. How could this have happened, how could I let them mislead me?

He burries his face in the crook of my neck, I can feel his breath tickling at the base of my throat as his lips press softly against my flesh. I want him more now then ever, the aching and dampness between my legs is slowly killing me as I feel him suck on the skin there, making my knees shake.

I shouldn't let this happen but at this point it's beyond my control, there's hands everywhere, clothes flying across the room and his lips are finally on mine. Our tongues gliding together and I want to swallow him whole, I want to take him inside of me and be one with him. I want for our bodies to meld together so this aching will stop.

Pushing him forcefully onto the bed, I straddle his hips and lower myself down onto his throbbing member. "You're so beautiful." He mumbles looking up at me as I let a sigh of pleasure escape my swollen lips.

This is happening too fast, but at least it's on my terms, I'm going to be the one taking him and being done with it. I find a steady pace, allowing my thoughts to slip away as I rock slowly on top of him, feeling every inch of him as he slides further and further into my core, pleasures building in my stomach and I move faster.

"Hmm... Liz... Oh god." He mutters incoherently as I rock my hips faster, I love the feel of his hands on my hips, the sound of my name rolling off his lips.

Leaning over so that my hair is framing his face I kiss him, my tongue sliding in and out of his mouth, resembling the action of our lower bodies. I love him, I can feel it but he's the one who wanted it this way and I'm going to make damn sure he feels as cheap as I do, at least then he'll know how it feels and maybe he'll realize what he gave up.

It isn't long before I climax, dragging him along with me. He cries out my name but I stay silent, not wanting it to be that intimate. I rest my head in my hands long enough to catch my breath before I'm up and out of bed, torn between the sadness in my heart and my need to get as far away from him as possible. "You can go." I state firmly, wrapping my silk robe around myself.

"What?" He's confused, I can tell by the sound of his voice, I don't have to look at him, I can't look at his face without losing my resolve.

"Go. I'm done with you. So just go."

"Don't be like this, I want to talk."

"I didn't ask what you want Max."

"Why are you being like this?" He knows I love him, he knows it and I hate him for knowing it, I hate that he probably smirks to himself about how weak I once was. I understand that he had needs, that he wanted her, wanted that slut Courtney, a girl I once refered to as my best friend but I'll never forgive him for acting on it.

"Being like what?"

"Like this." He comes closer, reaching out his hand I feel it softly caress my cheek. I have to brush this action off, my heart feels cold, my body feels dead and I don't care what he wanted this to end up being. I don't care that we have just had sex because I won't call it making love, making love is when you give a part of yourself to the other person and I'll never give myself to him again, not after what he's done.

"I let you use my body, you got what you wanted, now get out." I say this a bit more forcefully, he's not going to be here when I break down, he won't see the tears I cry for him, he watch as my body shakes with sobs.

"Liz..." He starts and I push him.

"GO!" I scream, tears running down my cheeks. "GET OUT!" And then he's gone, in an instant, if I would have blinked I'd have missed it, I'm left here, alone, sad and empty.

[baby_bre]

Behrsgirl77: I'm glad you're reading this thanks for the FB! And yeah Max messed up big time.

coley452: Thanks for reading!

taressa05: thanks for reading!

crash_into_me: thanks!

begonia9508: Aww! Thanks for reading !

Sweet Liz: Glad you're reading it!

Emz80m: Thankies !

Jbehrbabe: lol I'm starting to like angst, well writing it not reading it

~Ruby~: I'm glad you're reading this chica! This part isn't going to have any 'hot' moments in it but don't worry they're coming soon !

nickimlow: Yep he has! Thanks for reading!

xsuper_novax: Thanks for reading, more of them will come in the next few chapters !

Hope ya'll like this, there's not a lot of interaction but that'll come next chapter

Chapter Two



It's been a whole week since Max and I had sex and I threw him out. It's been a week filled with tears, lots and lots of ice cream, steamy dreams and lonely days. I haven't spoken so much as a word to him since that night, I don't know what I'd say. My hearts aching for him, my body's aching for his touch.

I miss everything about him, his touch, his kisses, his smile, his voice, his eyes, I just miss him so much. But I can't let myself believe he's the person I fell in love with, I can't go back with him, not after what's happened. I need to keep reminding myself of what a jerk he is. I can't be his again, no matter how much I want to be.

Pushing myself out of my thoughts before I start feeling even worse then I already do, I open up my laptop and long onto my AOL account. I'm hoping Maria's on, I seriously need an escape from my thoughts and the novel I'm meant to be working on so I can finish it before my deadline.

GoldenXTouch: Hey you!
On the Verge: Hey Ria.
GoldenXTouch: How are you?!
On the Verge: Not good, you?
GoldenXTouch: I'm alright, what's wrong?!
On the Verge: Max cheated on me.
GoldenXTouch: What?! That dog!!
On the Verge: With Courtney.

I almost feel bad for telling Maria about what happened because she's Max's cousin and his best friend. I thought I'd be suprised if Maria didn't know but come to think of it I'm not. Max is a coward and most likely didn't tell her because Maria may be in LA now but I know she'd still kick his ass. I hate that he's avoiding letting her know and that I'm the one who had to tell her but at least she knows now that her cousin is a pig.

GoldenXTouch: That whore!!!!

I guess I forgot to mention the fact that Maria's hated Courtney for well ever.

On the Verge: I know, some best friend she turnd out to be...
GoldenXTouch: Sweetie, I'm SO sorry! *hugs* I wish that was a real hug.
On the Verge: It's not your fault.
GoldenXTouch: I still feel bad. Max is my best friend and he's family, so how bad does that make me look? lol.
On the Verge: Real bad. lol

I like talking to Maria, I'm sure how Max is going to react when he finds out Ria knows and I shouldn't even care. He should have thought about what Maria would say or do before he went and had sex with Courtney.

GoldenXTouch: Well hun, I'm off to call my dearest cousin.
On the Verge: hahaha, okay. TTYL.
GoldenXTouch: Love you, bye.
GoldenXTouch has signed off.

*


"Liz, pick up!" Courtney's voice break the quiet of my apartment andI sigh. It's the tenth call from her in the last half hour alone. "I know your home.. Your cars in the spot." Is she stalking me now? I really think she's been sitting outside my apartment watching who comes and goes, not that anyone does, who would want to visit me?

Doesn't Courtney think she's done enough damage already? Can't she just let go, leave it alone? She just doesn't get the point that she should shut up and forget that I exist. I mean you don't sleep with your 'best' friends boyfriend and then expect everything to peachy in the morning, you just don't.

I sigh and head over to my desk, it's packed high with stacks of papers, dictonaries, files. My books really coming along and I can't wait to be finished with it. I already have lots of new book ideas swarming around in my head and as soon as this ones into my publishers I can get to work on them.

Sitting down I sigh when I hear a light knock at the door. I don't know who would want to bother me at this time, everyone of my friends know that this is the hour you stay away from me because I'm working.

"Who is it?" I ask, not because I'm scared but because I don't have a peep hole and it might be Courtney. I don't want to have to close the door in her face, knowing her she'd stick her foot in so I couldn't close it, but I think I'd close it anyway, it'd serve her right.

"It's Max. Let me in." Just the sound of his silky smooth voice sends my stomach to my feet. I don't like the affect he has on me, I don't like that just the sound of his voice can make me come unraveled.

"Go home." I order, I'm not in the mood for this, not today and not ever. It has nothing to do with the fact that seeing his face right now might break my resolve to keep away from him.

"No!" He say defiance clearly evident in his tone.
"
"What the hell do you want?"

"You told her."

"Told who?" I ask innocently, like I don't know.

"Maria."

"So... couldn't you have called for this conversation?"

"So you could not pick up and I would be forced to have it with your answer machine?"

"Yes."

"You had no right, Liz, she's my friend."

"Oh... right. Like you had no right to bone my friend?"

"Lets not go there, it was ages ago." He says and I roll my eyes, why are we having a conversation through my front door, I'd rather he go have it with my machine. At least a machine won't get weak in the knees from the sound of his voice. At least it's body doesn't forget about the horrible thing he's done, at least it doesn't respond to the fact that he's within touching distance. Just outside the door, if I open it I could jump into his arms and take him against my wall, I know he'd let me... but... NO! Stop it!

"You mean days ago?" I state a bit shaken from my thoughts.

"Weeks?"

"Like one week ago. What Max, do you fuck so many girls now you can't even keep the dates straight?"

"Liz... it's not like that. I've already apologized."

"Good. Now go."

"Can't we talk?"

"About what Max?" I bark, "About whether or not you cried her name out when you came? Is that what you want to talk about?" I'm being a little crude but I don't care, I'm pissed that he had the nerve to just show up on my door step.

"Don't be like that..." He says and I can picture his face frowing.

"You made me this way, so deal with it Max." I feel broken, I don't want to fight with him anymore, I don't want to know him anymore. I just want to go back to being myself, the person I was before Max.

[baby_bre]

Thank you guys sooo much for all the FB! I totally love it And please keep it coming.


Chapter Three



"Max..." I moan loudly, "Oh Max...." My voice is barely above a whipser now, it feels so good. I can feel him surrounding me, his hands, his fingers, his body, his breath, everything. It's like he's sufforcating me, but it's exciting. "Don't stop." I beg, feeling his warm breath tingle my neck and his hands between my legs, caressing me, but I want more.

"I won't," He promises over and over. I snake a hand between us and start rubbing him through his jeans, I can feel his erection straining against the zipper. "Liz..." He pants, his breath coming out in heavy waves.

"Yeah baby?" I ask, starting to unzip his jeans.

"Liz..." He whispers over and over.

"Tell me what you want Max." I plead softly.

"I want you.."

"Liz... if you're home answer the phone." My eyes snap open and I'm in my apartment again, covered in sweat. It was only a dream, a very vivid dream, but still, a dream. It's the same dream I've been having for the past week.

I reach over the back of the couch and grab my cordless, "Ria...?" I say hoping I don't sound like I'm out of breath.

"What's up girly?" She asks, oblivious.

"Nothing... working.. you know."

"That's cool." She say sounding distant, I can't help wondering why she's bothered calling if she can't even talk.

"Is there something you needed?" I question after a minute of silence, I'm not supicious, it's not like I think she's calling to tell me she's killed Courtney or something, though I wouldn't put that past her.

"Actually, there is." She sounds uncomfortable. "I need a place to stay while I'm in town." That's the last thing I expected to come out of her mouth, she's coming to Roswell? "I would ask Max but as you know we're kind of on the outs right now and I'm terribly sorry to be an inconvience it's just..."

I cut her off, "No... it's fine, great actually, I could use some decent company."

"Really?!" She sounds excited now, I can't help but smile, I've missed Maria.

"Of course!" I exclaim, "You think I'm going to have you staying anywhere but my place?"

"I just thought with your book and all, I would be in the way."

"Don't worry about it."

*******

I'm at the airport, Maria should be here any minute. I can't wait. It's going to be such fun parading around Roswell with her. The look on Max's face wehn he sees her on his doorstep is going to be priceless, too bad I won't be there to see it. I'm not sure why Ria's in town, she hasn't told me. I tried getting it out of her that night on the phone, then again when I talked to her yesterday but she says it's top secret and she needs to keep it on the down low.

"Liz!" Maria squeals and I twirl around, a huge smile plastered to my face, it's been ages.

"Maria!" I practically scream and we jump at each other, an assortment of 'you look awesome', 'I've missed you so much' and 'oh my god I can't believe it' are uttered before we're finally calm enough to speak normally.

"How was your flight?" I ask after she's gotten her luggage, the girl packs like she's moving here or something.

"Eh, you know... the usual."

I nod and we walk in silence to my car. "So, Ria what brings you here?" I ask once we've been belted in.

"I told you it's a secret." She says winking.

"Sooooo.... tell me!" I beg, "I'm going to cry if you don't."

She gives me a knowing look and says, "Okay fine... if you must know, I'm moving back to Roswell."

"WHY?!" I'm shocked, our entire lives Ria's been saying how badly she wanted to get out of Roswell and never look back, her dream was to live in a big city, so why is she moving back?

"I'm engaged..." She pops her hand in front of my face, a gorgoues ring is placed on her ring finger.

"Since when!?"

"Since 5 days ago..." She trails off looking uncomfortable, why is she acting like this is a bad thing?

"To who?!" I question eagerly.

".... that's the part you might not like."

I raise an eyebrow, wondering why I would care who she marry's as long s he makes her happy.

"It's to uh, Michael Guerin."

My mouth drops open in shock, "Michael, as in Michael Guerin Michael Guerin?"

She nods and I swear I feel like I'm going to run the car off the road. This is so terrible, how could this be happening? I hate Michael, with a passion, he's worse then Courtney, who he dated by the way.

"Are you okay?" She finally asks, after 5 minutes of my staring out the window with my mouth wide open.

My gaze snaps to her, "You're seriously going to marry ... him?"

"I know what you must be thinking but he's not the same guy... he's not." She tells me, defending her husband to be.

"Michael Guerin could not have changed that much since high school." I retort, "I bet he's the same smooth talking asshole."

"Liz, I'm serious do I look like I'd be marrying him if he hadn't changed? I hated him as much as you did."

"Then why are you marrying him?"

"I ran into him a couple months ago a convention and things just kind of took off from there."

'And you didn't see it fit to tell me until now? When you're planning to marry him? Which brings me to my next question, what does marrying him have to do with moving to Roswell?" I ramble on, too shaken to stop.

"Michael's firm is transfering him here..." She answers, "And I decided I missed living here."

"Oh..." We drive the rest of the way home in silence.


Sorry for the lack of Max... but no worries he shall be in the next chapter.

[baby_bre]

I am so so so so sorry that it took so long to update!! I had a lot of issues going on in real life so my stories got away from me but I'm back to do my best at updating them all . sorry if this chapter is lame!

************

Chapter Four


I am still in shock after settling Maria in, she's moving back to Roswell, giving up her dreams of the big city for Michael Guerin. The same guy we once swore we'd hate until the day we turned 80. Michael is the biggest jerk I've ever met, I hate him more then I can explain. He was my older sisters boyfriend. Isabel was a beautiful, bright and intelligent girl until she met him. Michael made her believe that he loved her, she put her whole life into him and then he broke her, he took away her sparkle and I don't care how much Michael's changed I'll never forgive him for taking my sister away.

"So...." She trails off uncomfortably, I would be uncomfortable too if I were marrying the worst man alive. Max's cheating on me was bad but what Michael did to my sister, now that's just unforgivable.

"Are you really going to marry him?" I ask, I have to know that this isn't some kind of joke, that people aren't going to jump out with cameras any minute.

"Liz, it was a long time ago." She starts and I want to throw something at her, I love Maria, honestly I do but Michael? Anyone but Michael, he's evil taking on a human form.

"It wasn't that long ago and what he did to her..." I break off, tears welling up in my eyes, I will never care for Michael, I don't care if Maria marries him and has thirteen kids with him, I'll never forgive him.

"You have to let it go... Isabel did."

"Isabel spent months and months in rehab, at the moment for all we know she could be so doped up she wouldn't remember who Michael is."

"He didn't make her do those things... you know that as well as I do."

"Yeah? But who was the one with the dealer? Who was the one who used to tell Isabel how sexy she was when she was doped up?" I shout at her, I have a lot of unresolved issues and I think it shows. "Who was the one who dumped her when he realized she was hooked and her addiction cost too much?"

"Stop it. Don't blame Isabel's problems on him, she had enough of them before she met him," I can't believe Maria's telling me this, what next is she going to call my sister a needy person with repressed emotions?

"I can't talk to you right now." I tell her and head for the door, I love Maria but she is making the wrong decision, she is throwing her loyaltys to the wind by marrying that stupid asshole.

*****

I don't know why I'm here, I shouldn't be here but it's like my feet took on a life of their own. Max is the last person I should be visiting but I really need someone to hold me, I need someone to tell me that everythings going to be okay and that Maria isn't insane or on drugs and that Michael really has changed, that he didn't mean to hurt my sister so deeply that she never recovered. He's the only one I know who can make me feel better with a single glance and as much as I know I shouldn't be here, I am.

"Liz?" He rubs the sleep out of his eyes and I wonder if he thinks he's dreaming.

"Can I come in?" I don't want to start crying but I can already feel the tears building up behind my lids.

"Yeah, come in." He looks worried, his voice echos with concern and I can feel a smug smile twitching at the corner of my lips. "Do you want anything?"

"No," I say and look around, it feels as if it's been a year since I'd last been here.

"Why'd you come?" He probably thinks I miss him, I do but he doesn't deserve me. So what am I doing here? That's what I want to know, how come I'm not running out of here already?

"I had to get out of the house." He can tell somethings wrong, I know he can because he knows me or at least I thought he did.

"Oh...." He looks down at the floor and I look at the window.

"Hows Courtney?" I can't help myself, I have to take a little stab at him.

"I wouldn't know." He says breezily.

"Yeah... right." I huff and roll my eyes.

"Did you come here to fight Liz?" He asks, "Because I'm not in the mood."

"I didn't come here to argue but if I did you had better believe you'd deserve it."

"I know what I did was wrong... okay?"

"Then why did you do it?!" I shout, unable to keep my emotions in check any longer, the tears start pouring out and my knees shake, I'm going to colaspe.

"I don't know! I was scared, I didn't know what to do.. I freaked." He blubbers and I want to smack him, he was scared? I was scared, we were getting so close, I wanted him so badly, all the time but that didn't make me go cheat on him did it?

"Is that your excuse? You were frightened?!"

"No. It's not an excuse, but it is my reason." He comes forward, his arms open and I allow him to evelope me in his arms because they feel safe and because I want to forget everything.

"I've missed you." He whispers against my ears, his breath tickling me. I always used to love that, when he'd sound so sincere as he whispered sweet things in my ears.

"I'm not here for that..." I protest but continue to allow him to hold me, his arms pulling me in the direction of his bedroom.

"It's okay." He helps me lay down and then climbs in next to me. I shouldn't be here. "I love you." It's the last thing I hear before my eyes close and I pass out from stress.


******

"Mornin sunshine." I rub my eyes grogily and try to remember where I am.

"Max?" Everythings coming back to me, the fight with Maria, coming to see Max, laying down with him.

"You okay?" He asks, he looks so cute and I almost forget that I shouldn't be here.

"Yeah, I got to go..." My words tumble out and I sigh, I can't believe I let myself come here.

"What why?" He must have thought everything was going to go okay.

"I shouldn't have come here, I don't know why I did." Had I gotten drunk last night? I really don't remember much and I hope that I didn't lead him into believeing I'd forgiven him.

"Liz, don't start...."

"Don't tell me what to do." I snap and I'm out of the bedroom in five seconds flat. I can't believe I spent the night, at least I didn't sleep with him considering I have all my clothes on.

[baby_bre]

Thanks SO much for all the FB, it really made my day! I hope everyone enjoys this new chapter, it's not much and doesn't have a lot of substance but the next chapter is going to have a lot of Isabel, some Michael and Max. .

Chapter Five

"You're getting in late." Maria greets looking all too happy for it being such an early hour. I roll my eyes. I can't tell her what I did, I can't tell her how weak I was and how I stayed the nights at Max's.

"Yeah.. I had to get out and think."

"Okay...?" She gives me a skeptical once over and I smile innocently. I don't want to fight about Michael, he'll never be welcomed into my home but that shouldn't mean I can't at least be civil to Maria and pretend she never announced their engagement.

"I had a few things to do." I explain arily just as my machine goes off, funny, I never even heard the phone ring.

"Liz. Answer the phone. It's Max and I think we really should talk about last night."

Maria's eyes dart to me and I cast mine downward, I feel like a little kid who's just been caught eating cookies before dinner time.

"Max?!?" She bursts, "You went to Max's?" What do I tell her? That he's insane? That I went over there in a moment of weakness? That nothing happened?

"Yes..." I tell her with a nervous sigh, feeling like I'm explaining to my mom why she's just found a boy in my bed.

"But nothing happened, we slept and I woke up. I realized the mistake I'd made and so then I left." Besides I'm not the one marrying Michael Guerin!

"Nothing happened?" She doesn't seem to believe me but then why should she? Why did I go to Max's? I gave him false hope and I know that but whatever it's my choice to go there isn't it? Just like it's her choice to marry Mr. Fuck head.

"Nada. Zip. Zero. We didn't do anything."

"Really?"

"Yes!" I practically yell, I'm furious because she doesn't believe me and she's not my boss. If I want to spend every single night in Max's bed then I can! But wasn't it you who called to complain to Maria about how much you despise Max and how messed up he is? the little voice in my head says and I growl inwardly. Ugh.

"Well alright then, no need to get loud."

"Right... Uh huh." I roll my eyes and go into my bedroom.

************


I know I shouldn't be ease dropping but it's not really ease dropping is it? Maria thinks I'm asleep and she's so close that it's almost impossible to hear... right?

"Michael... keep your voice down, Liz is sleeping." She whispers into the phone and I sigh inwardly, how terrible that she thinks I can hear Michael because he's obviously yelling into the phone.

"I told you, you need to give her time." Maria states calmly and I cringe.

"Patience is a virtue, you know?"

"I know that you want to see me but I'm here with Liz and she ins't exactly ready to welcome you with open arms."

I sigh inwardly, why is she telling Michael all of this? Shouldn't he know I hate him? And for good reason? Wouldn't he hate him too if he were me? Honestly how can they expect me to forgive and forget? Izzy is my sister and he gave her the addiction that stole her chance at a normal life. So screw him and his false apologys. Not that he's actually made an attempt at any sort of apology but still.

"I love and miss you too." She hangs up and I wait a few moments before leaving the room.

"Hey Ri." I say with a smile as I head into the kitchen to grab a cup of coffee.

"Good morning." She mumurs looking slightly guilty. "Lover boys called nearly six times." She tells me as I pour the steaming coffee into my glass. At first I think she's speaking of Michael until I remember she wouldn't mention his calling because he's an evil fuck head.

"Oh yeah?" I had a terrficially steamy dream thanks to him last night, one that almost makes me wish I could rethink the not being into casual sex thing so I could go out and get laid.

She nods and hits the play button on my machine.

"Lizzy, I am so sorry that I missed your calls. Give me another one soon as you can." Click. Joshua was calling? So suprising considering Josh has recently moved in with his girlfriend Cammy, we don't get along and I haven't heard him in a while.

"Courtney misses you doll, you're her best friend. So call Court." Ugh Pamela has the nerve to call my house? First I hate Pam and she knows what Courtney did so why the hell is she calling? She must be on something, that's the only explanation I can think of besides her being an idiot.

"Liz please call me back or answer the damn phone. I've been calling for an hour now. I need to talk to you, please just call me back." Max is such an ass, he doesn't get that I don't want to talk to him? Especially after the other night, I don't want him to think I'm going to forgive him, ask Michael and Maria, I hold grudges and for good reasons too.

"Lizard. It's your fabulous sister calling. I'm in town and I want to see you. So call me on Marco's cell Lizzy bug."

Isabels in town?! For the first time in 3 months which either means she's out of cash, needs a place to crash or actually misses me, the first two seem more likely but a girl can hope can't she?

"Iz called?"

"Yeah..." Maria says distantly.

"Why didn't you answer?" I ask, it comes out more sharply then I intended.

She shrugs and the anger boils, "Afraid of a little competition?" I snort evilly, "Or are you just so ashamed that you can't bare to speak to her while knowing your with that fucker?" Now cursing is not something I normally do often but when it comes to my sister I just can't help myself, she couldn't even answer the phone!

"That's not true." SHe tells me looking hurt by my outburst.

"The truth hurts I'm afraid."

"Whatever." She goes back to ignoring me and I can't help trying to ignore the sad sinking feeling in my stomach.

Why am I being such a bitch?

***********

"Lizzy Bug." Izzy's cheery voice brightens my face.

"Hey." I say with forced enthusiasm. I love my sister, I do, really but whenever she comes into town I feel like either shoving her into the nearest rehab or stuffing gallons of greese down her bony throat.

"You got my message?"

"Yep." I say, "So hows things?"

"Really good. I'm actually thinking about staying in Roswell for a while."

"That's great."

"Yeah." She says and I can almost picture her smile. "I've missed everyone." I'm not letting her have any money while she's here, at least not on her own because she always ends of blowing it on something stupid or... drugs.

"Cool. We've missed you too." I tell her with as much honesty in my tone as I can muster.

"So when can I come over?" She asks sounding a bit impatient, not suprising.

"As soon as you want."

"Good." She says, "Hows things with Max?"

"Not so good."

"What's wrong?"

"We broke up." I say matter-of-factly.

"What??"

"Courtney and him were sleeping together."

"Those bitches." Her voice is harsh and it makes me feel warm inside, knowing my sister cares. It feels like she's my older sister again for a moment and I wish she was there so I could hug her, just like when we were kids and I would fall down a scrap my knee, she would clean it, bandage it and then hug me until I felt better. I miss those days a lot, the new, wrung out Isabel isn't someone I know all that well and it feels like I can't connect or relate to her anymore as much as I want to and I think that's why I'm not able to forgive Michael and truthfully I'm having a hard time forgiving Isabel too.

"I know." I agree whole-heartedly. "I hate them." It's the truth or at least I want to hate them. Why does it

have to be so difficult?

"I do too." She says and I don't know if that's true but it makes me feel good none the less. Since when do I get off on things like this?

"So.. when will you be over?"

"Marco's going to drop me in a couple hours."

"Oh... Ria's here so don't be suprised if you see her." I quickly explain and she says okay and we hang up.

I don't know what to do with myself until she gets here. Should I go take a shower and get changed into something? Or maybe I should go get a bite to eat and then make up a bed for Izzy? And as sad as it is to admit I kind of think I should hide my valuables, just incase.

[baby_bre]

I love all the FB. Seriously reading it all makes my day. Here is the chapter I promised. Hope ya'll enjoy it.



Chapter Six




I'm sitting here awaiting the arrival of Isabel, I don't know what to think. I've become used to steeling my heart against the sight of her, against the things she says and the way she behaves. I miss my sister, the person she is now isn't my sister, okay that's not entirely true there are a few special moments where she's the same Isabel I knew growing up, before she met Michael Guerin and fell passionately in love as she used to tell me. I can still remember the day she came home and told me she had had her breath taken away by the most charming guy she'd ever met.

Flash back


"Lizzy bug." Isabel had whispered as she shook me awake.

"What's going on Izzy?" I asked rubbing the sleep out of my eyes, I'd only been 14 at the time and so everything Isabel did had seemed incrediably exciting. She was a beautiful, smart and popular 17 year old, all of the things I dreamed of being when I became her age.

"I wanted you to be the first to know," She exclaimed breathlessly, "I'm in love!" The way she had said it had made it sound so magical, I clearly remember her smile, the way it had lit up her entire face.

"In love?" I gave her a look that said what are you talking about?

"Yes!" She was so excited, so naive and young. "He's the most wonderful guy I've ever met. He's sweet, gorgoues, intelligent and he loves me. He told me so." She wore his love like a badge of honor.

"Really?!" I was hooked, I wanted to hear all about him, I wanted to be apart of the life my sister lived outside of our house.

She nodded eagerly, "His name is Michael, he's a senior at my school."

"How'd you meet him?"

"At my friends party a couple months ago." She told me happily, I remember her having mentioned a guy but I hadn't at the time known it was serious. "Our eyes met across the room and something inside me just clicked. It was magical, we've been spending so much time together, he's so charming and passionate and he's funny too!"

End of flashback

My sister had it not been for meeting Michael would have finished school and gone onto do much better things.

*********************

"Lizzy bug!" Her skinny arms wrap around me and I try not to shudder at the sight of her because despite how skinny she really was she was still beautful and my sister.

"Izzy!" I exclaim with a bright smile, "I've missed you." By the looks of things she's actually put on a little weight, not much but it could mean she's learning to eat while doing the drugs.

"Me too." She says with a look on her face that tells me she really means it.

"How are you?" I ask stepping back to allow her entrance into my apartment. "You look wonderful." Okay, tiny little lie but what can I tell her? She looks like she hasn't had a decent nights sleep or meal in years? I don't think so.

"Thanks, I feel great." Of course you do, for all the money you waste on drugs you should feel wonderful because you're too gone most of the time to know if you feel otherwise.

"Good to know." I put her things away in my room.

"So, besides Max, hows things coming along?"

"My works going really well." This politeness is eating away at me, this is the woman I used to share every detail of my pathetically boring life with, the girl who used to rub my back and stomach until I fell asleep, the woman who woke me up in the middle of the night to share the amazing details of her grown up life with me.

"Awesome." She smiles and I wonder if I should offer her something to eat.

"Want anything to drink or possibly eat?" I ask in my most gracious hostess voice.

"Hmm..." She tails off uncertainly, "A glass of water would be good."

"What about a salad? Or do you fancy a stir fry?"

"I'm not really hungry...."

"Are you sure? Because I actually quite like it if we could go out somewhere and have lunch. It'll be my treat." I assure her, I don't know why but I have the sudden urge to force feed her, to lock her in my room until she decides drugs are not going to make her happy and that she needs to face the demons that are inside of her, the ones that are keeping her from facing reality, the ones she's numbing.

"Well... okay. I suppose I could do with a nice meal."

"Good. I'll just go get my coat."

****************

My sister suprised me, during our lunch she kept getting quiet and when I finally bugged her into telling me she admited that she was thinking about going into rehab, again but also for real this time. The way she was speaking to me it was like she really wanted to change, like a spark of the old Isabel was still somewhere in there and I told her that admitting she had a problem was a big step and that I'd do anything I could to help her change.

I honestly hope that Isabel can change, that she will go to rehab and try this time instead of sulking her way through it until they release her thinking she's better when the whole time she was just waiting for a fix, waiting to get out. Because no one can keep her locked up, not forever anyway and besides it's not as if she can hide from herself, can she?

"How'd things with Isabel go?" Maria asks after Isabels gone to sleep that night.

"Good. She's really seemed to turn around a bit."

"Really? Sure this isn't just some ploy to get you to believe her enough to leave her around all your cash?"

"Excuse me?" I feel like I've been slapped across the face.

"Sorry. But it's the truth, you can't be too catious Liz."

"She's my sister." I start but she cuts me off.

"And she was like my sister but that didn't stop her from stealing from me did it?" Maria's right, I can't believe I almost forgot about the time she convinced Maria to help her when really all she wanted was to get Maria to rest easy around her because in the middle of the night she stole Maria's cash, credit cards and few things she could hawk, the only note she left said she was sorry.

"I know.. But I really think she's ready to change. I mean god Maria, she has to change! She just has to." I feel tears welling up and I don't want to cry. "She's 27 years old and has no job, no life, she has nothing and she doesn't even care."

"Sshhh, Liz it's okay."

"No you know what? It's not okay. Because you're planning on marrying someone who made her this way. The man who took her life away, the same man who without having him ever had been a part of her life she would be a well adjusted 27 year old with a wonderful life. That is why it's not going to be okay." I let the angry tears run down my cheeks, not bothering to brush them away. Isabel's a mess and it's all his fault.

"Liz... listen to me." Maria started calmly, "This is not Michael's fault, at least it's not entirely his fault and you know it."

"Do I?"

"YES! For godsake Liz, Michael admits that he had a part in Isabel's down fall, he understands that he was wrong. But you have to take into account that he was YOUNG, STUPID, into DRUGS himself and yeah okay so what he did was incrediably dumb and fucked up but he's changed since then. He decided that he wanted something better so he turned his life around, he got help. Isabel has had the chance to do the samething and she hasn't taken them so dont you dare blame Michael for that because as much as you want there to be someone else other then Isabel to blame there is no one else." Her voice had risen to a yell and I could make out Isabel's shaky frame in the doorway.

"Isabel..." I start and Maria turns to see her, "We didn't...."

"What? You think just because I'm screwed up that it gives you guys the right to sit here and talk about me? Like I'm not a human being?"

"Look..."

"No you look Maria, I have done so many things in my life, I admit to them, I know I've made my fair share of mistakes but that doesn't give you the right to sit here and act like you know what I'm going through. Like you can just assume that it's just as easy as deciding I want out and getting out because you don't know what it's like to be me, you don't know the first thing about it and until you do I'd like it if you both could just please shut up and go to bed."

************************

"Liz?" Fuck he has a caller ID I'd forgotten.

"Max..." I start feeling like a deer caught in headlights, "I was just uh..." So I don't know why I'm calling him, how is it that I know I shouldn't call him, that I'm only leading him on, hurting myself and being a complete fool in the process and yet I still do these things? I'm hurting myself, I'm leaving myself open and vulnerable and not to mention doing the dumbest thing ever, letting myself care for him.

It's just that everything is so screwed up, Isabel says she wants help, we're looking at different rehabs but she's still pretty distant and upset about the thing that happened with Maria the other night. Maria is avoiding us and Michael keeps calling the house which is just fucked. I hate my life. I really do. Why did Max have to cheat on me? Why couldn't I have been good enough? Then I wouldn't be dealing with this alone, I feel like a self absorbed little bitch, I mean instead of doing my best to help my sister I'm sitting here contemplating why everythings so shitty in my life.

"What's wrong?" He asks after the long pause.

"Nothing. I was just calling to see if you'd found my gray cardigan."

"Really?" He sounds like he doesn't believe me but answers anyway, "Yeah. Do you want me to bring it over?"

"No!" I say a little too quickly, but the thought of him over here, it makes my skin crawl and not in the bad way. I'm addicted to him, my body and my brain are fighting a war that I know my brain is going to win. I may want him physically but that doesn't change matters.

"We need to talk." He interrupts my thoughts.

"About?"

"Us."

"There is no us." I remind him pointedly.

"We still need to talk...."

"I don't what to talk."

"I don't believe that, I want you to hear the whole story, the truth, the reasons. No more excuses and no more lies. Are you ready to hear the truth Liz?"

I hang up before I can give him time to say anything else. I'm not sure I want to hear anything from out of his mouth, not anymore.

[baby_bre]

Hope this isn't too depressing and SO sorry about the wait. I plan to update more regularly now that I have the time.


Chapter Seven



”You’re pregnant.” I say standing in the doorway to the room she’s staying in. “That’s it. You got drunk, had a very stupid one night stand with Michael and now you’re pregnant. Am I right?”

“What?” Maria exclaims looking at me like I’d grown two heads.

“That’s it isn’t it. You think marrying him because he knocked you up is the right thing to do but listen Maria it’s not. There are other things you can do, I don’t mean an abortion but you have choices.” I’ve been giving this a lot of thought and what other explanation could there be for her suddenly wanting to marry him?

“Go away,” She says glaring at me and I raise an eyebrow.

“I’m just trying to help; I’ll be there for you.”

“You want to be there for me?” She asks and I nod eagerly, I knew this was the reason.

“Get the hell out and come back when you decide to start making sense.”

“It’s okay Maria…” I trail off looking at the floor uncertainly, so okay this wasn’t the best idea but what do you expect?

“That’s just it Liz, it’s not okay. Until you can come to terms with the fact that I am marrying Michael and not because he knocked me up but because I love him and because he’s changed then I’m done. Either you leave or I am going to Max’s.”

I honestly don’t know what to do at this point. She seems serious and I know Maria is pissed at Max but her face is so stern that I nod and leave. I can’t come to terms with this, if she’s not pregnant there must be something, she can’t be doing this because she loves him, it has to be something else… but what?

****

“What’s wrong Lizzy bug?” Isabel asks when I come out of Maria’s room a second later, tears welling up in my eyes as my sister gazes at me concerned, it tugs at something deep inside and I want to cry even more.

“It’s Maria,” Her face falls and I stare at her. I can’t help the emotions rushing through me, love and sickness both at the same time. My sister was beautiful and now she’s a shell of her former self thanks to Maria’s soon to be husband.

“What? Is she hurt?” Isabel asks jumping off the couch and for a moment I’m freaked that she’s going to break a bone or something.

“No, it’s nothing like that.” After the other night I really don’t want to get into this. I don’t want to explain because how can I explain to Isabel that I despise Michael for ruining her? How? It will hurt her and I am not going to, which is why this conversation about Maria and Michael is simply not going to happen.

“Come on you can tell me, I won’t tell anyone, promise.” She sounds so sincere that I have to take a deep breath in order to keep myself in check.

“Really Iz it’s nothing for you to worry about.” I lie and force a bright smile onto my face.

“Don’t you dare give me that, I am your big sister and I demand details, now!” She orders, a spark of her old self emerging and I have the strongest urge to curl up in her lap and tell her everything like when we were little. I remember when she would brush the hair out of my eyes, wipe the tears from my cheeks and whisper softly that everything was going to be just fine.

“It’s just Maria’s marrying Michael,” I trail off choosing my words carefully before continuing. “I know Michael is not good for her.”

She nods masking the hurt and I want to wrap my arms around her but I stop myself. “I don’t like him; I don’t think he’s good for her or any girl for that matter. What I really don’t understand is how Maria could want to marry him. Maria is a beautiful, smart and successful woman. She can do better.”

“You said Maria’s smart right?”

“So?”

“So shouldn’t you trust her judgment. Trust that she is smart enough to make a good decision? I don’t think Maria has ever been one to rush into something this big. She has a good head on her shoulders and I trust that if Maria is willing to commit herself to him for the rest of her living days then he must be worthy.”

“What if he’s just manipulating her?” I shoot back and cross my arms defensively, why is Isabel on Maria’s side? Surely if anyone hates Michael it’s Isabel.

“Don’t give me that. Just stop holding onto the past okay?” Isabel runs a hand through her hair and I feel bad for dragging this all up.

“Isabel,” I start, taking a step towards her.

“No, it’s okay.” She tells me before she takes a deep breath. “For the longest time I blamed Michael too. I let myself blame him for all of my problems because placing the blame on him was easy. For me it made it okay that I continued to mess up, you know what I mean? If I said it was all his fault, that it was him who made me like this then it was all right but If I want to get better I need to face up to the facts. I made my decisions, he didn’t force me, he didn’t hold me down, I chose to. I know Michael played a big part in my starting drugs but I’ve had plenty of chances to quit and I haven’t.” Her words come out in a rush and I want to cry. “I’ve forgiven him and I need for you to do the same, if for no other reason then you realize that holding all that hate in your heart can’t be good for you.”

Isabel sounds like Isabel, it’s the deepest thing she’s said in year and it makes me think she actually feels. It’s also scaring the hell out of me, how can she just exclaim all of this? How does she expect me to forgive him for taking my sister away? How can she forgive him so easily?

“Stop over analyzing everything, just accept what’s happened and move on.” She says soothingly and I nod.

“I’ll try, okay?” I say but I have to get out of here before I go crazy. “I told a friend I’d cover for her at the magazine so…” I trail off and head for the door.

“I’ll see you later,” I don’t say anything and I really hope my sister is serious about getting help this time because I don’t think after that speech I can handle losing what little part of her there is left, not again.

********

Dear Max,

I need to know something. How could you? How could you lie Max??? How? How can you live with yourself knowing that you told me you loved me and that you wanted to me to be yours forever and then the next day cheat on me? How could you do something like that? How? Please explain to me, make me understand how you could do that because I need to know. I am going out of my mind wondering if it was me, something I did, was I not good enough?

Was that it? Did you think Courtney was better? That she had something I didn’t? If that was the case then what was it? I need to know so I can fully understand what could possess you to hurt someone you said you loved with your entire heart to the point that they wanted to die. How is that possible? Before it happened I thought about our life, the life were going to have, about getting married, having children and making a life together and now I feel cheated. I feel royally fucked because you took that all out from under me. You made my world come crashing down around me and I just want to know how you could be so selfish.

Just one more thing I have to know, was it worth it? Was throwing away everything we had together, everything we’d built worth it? I honestly hope it was for your sake.

Here’s hoping you choke to death,

Liz

So maybe I don’t mean it, I don’t want him to choke to death but there’s no point in letting him know that is there? Why is it that whenever I feel this way he’s the first person I want to turn to? Is it because he’s made me feel incomplete, emptier then anyone else or is it because it’s an automatic thing? I’ve always been able to before and so I got used to it and now I can’t do that anymore, I don’t want to.

All right if I’m being a hundred percent honest I know there is a part of me that still loves him, that still wants to be with him but who cares, it doesn’t change what he did. It doesn’t change the fact that he ruined our relationship, he threw it away for a fuck with Courtney and he shattered my heart so why am I sitting here thinking about all of this instead of mailing this letter off?

[baby_bre]

I'm so sorry for not updating any of my stories sooner but there are somethings going on IRL that are taking up all of my time but no worries I will be back very soon with updates. I just wanted to let everyone know that I have chapters started and everything.