TITLE: I’m Dying Tonight
AUTHOR: Roswell Oracle
RATING: TEEN
CATEGORY: Max’s POV
REPOSTING: Please ask permission before reposting. I like to know where my story is going to live.
FEEDBACK: Feel free to leave feedback or e-mail it. Corrections are appreciated and all questions will be answered as quickly as possible.
DISCLAIMER: Roswell, the characters and the story, are owned by Melinda Metz, Jason Katims and Fox Studios (although the way they have abused them I don't think they deserve them) and are used here purely for entertainment purposes.
Any additional characters or situations not mentioned in the show are the creation of my dementia.
SUMMARY: Max’s thoughts and feelings as he is standing outside the observatory in ITLAITB after his fight with Liz and he thinks she has gone to Sweden.
CREDITS: Song lyrics used
Adema - Giving in
Linkin Park - With You
Nine Inch Nails - Hurt
Pearl Jam - Black
Simple Plan - Meet You There
Simple Plan - Perfect
Simple Plan - Untitled
Story of the Year - Until The Day I Die
Yellowcard - Only One
Yellowcard - Way Away
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I don’t remember driving here, and I don’t remember why I came. All I know is that Liz left me again.
take me under
I'm crying tonight
watch me crumble
I'm dying tonight
I must be an idiot. How many times has Liz left me? How many times has she said we can’t be together? How many times have I ignored her?
But I can’t stop loving her any more than I could stop being an alien. It’s just part of who I am.
should I bite my tongue
until blood soaks my shirt?
we'll never fall apart
so tell me why this hurts so much
until the day I die
I'll spill my heart for you
until the day I die
I'll spill my heart for you
It seems like an eternity since we were together and happy. We had a few blissful weeks, more than a year ago, before the cosmic joke that is my life ruined it all. Before I ruined it all by insisting on listening to the message on the orb.
But even when Liz walked away from me at the pod chamber I didn’t despair. Liz loved me, that’s all I knew. She loved me and she would come back. And she did come back, but she wouldn’t let me near her. And even then I didn’t despair. I knew it was only a matter of time. We are soul mates, meant to be together, two beings who found each other across the universe.
Then Liz slept with Kyle.
I felt like my heart had been ripped from my chest. I felt like I would die. I was so hurt and angry and horrified that Liz could do anything like that. I didn’t want to believe. I wanted her to be my perfect Liz again.
how quick the sun can drop away
and now my bitter hands cradle broken glass
of what was everything
all the pictures have all been washed in black, tattooed everything...
all the love gone bad turned my world to black
tattooed all I see, all that I am, all I'll ever be...
And Liz wasn’t with Kyle. She’d only slept with him to put me behind her, to force me to move on. I wouldn’t let her go and maybe she’d felt she had no other choice. It hurt but I also had a sick kind of respect for her strength that she was willing to do anything necessary to separate herself from me. And as stupid as it sounds, I loved her more.
But I was so hurt, and I said terrible things to hurt her. And it was cruel and petty and I knew it, but I did it anyway. And still she saved my life in New York.
We were able to move past her sleeping with Kyle. I was able to move past it. Liz wanted our friendship to remain intact and I agreed letting her think I was putting our relationship into the past, but I never did. Even then I held on to hope, the certain knowledge that someday we would be together again. Because even with everything that had happened I still loved her with my entire being. And in unguarded moments, I could see that Liz still loved me too.
forgot all about yesterday
remembering I'm pretending to be where I'm not anymore
even though you're so close to me
you're still so distant
and I can't bring you back
with you
you, now I see, keeping everything inside
with you
you, now I see, even when I close my eyes
it's true the way I feel
was promised by your face
the sound of your voice
painted on my memories
even if you're not with me
I'm with you
Liz knows me like no one else ever has. She is the only one I have ever let inside, the only one I ever wanted that close. But it works both ways. I know Liz.
I could see how much she still wanted to be with me, how much she was hurting. She thought she was hiding it, but I could see.
We shared one beautiful night dancing together in Vegas and I knew that I hadn’t held on to hope for nothing. The vision I had of us was so perfect and I knew it was only a matter of time until I made it a reality.
Then Liz suggested we go to the prom together I had to literally restrain myself to keep from jumping for joy. It was the perfect opportunity to rekindle what we’d lost; soft music in a romantic setting, swaying together so close, bodies touching, lips separated by mere inches.
I had the whole thing planned out, how I would make her mine again. How we’d be back together where we belonged and nothing would ever separate us.
I had the whole thing planned, but never in my wildest imagination could I have dreamed what really happened.
Maybe I should have done something instead of just letting her walk away again. Maybe I should have told her again that I love her, that she’s everything to me, that I could never love anyone else. But she was in so much pain I could literally feel it. I could see it in her eyes, hear it in her voice and I felt a piece of me die knowing I was the cause.
So even though my heart was breaking I let her go.
I wish I could’ve told you
the things I kept inside
but now I guess it's just too late
so many things remind me of you
I hope that you can hear me
I miss you
this is good-bye one last time
I just felt numb after that, like nothing was real.
We were meant to be together. I knew that with every ounce of my being. So why did it seem so impossible? Why was there so much pain?
For the first time in my life I started to despair that maybe Liz and I would never really be together.
and now I try hard to make it
I can’t pretend that
I’m alright
I try not to think
about the pain I feel inside
all the days
you spent with me
now seem so far away
and it feels like you don’t
care anymore
How can I feel so much pain, but be so numb and empty at the same time?
It reminds me of something Liz said once.
“Max, how is it possible that I could be the happiest that I've ever been in my entire life, you know, and now the saddest, all at the same time?”
“I think that's what being in love is,” I told her. And now I know I was right. But being in love hasn’t made either of us happy in a long time.
Liz asked me to let her go.
Liz slept with Kyle
And I can't stand the pain
And I can't make it go away
I try to make a sound but no one hears me
I'm slipping off the edge
I'm hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again
Got no where to run
The night goes on
As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me?
My hope returned when Liz came to my room the night before Alex’s funeral.
We were together all night, talking, laughing, like it was old times. Just being near her made me so happy. And when she asked me to always be her friend I could see the love and desperation shining in her eyes. She hadn’t stopped loving me. There was still a chance.
you're gone away
I'm left alone
a part of me
is gone and I'm not moving on
I hope that you can hear me
I'm waiting to hear from you
so wait for me
I know the day will come
I'll meet you there
no matter where life takes me to
I'll meet you there
Liz has an inner strength that is staggering. That is why I always turn to her in times of crisis. Liz figures out the answers. Liz does what is necessary. I guess that’s why I shouldn’t have been surprised that she is pursuing the investigation into Alex’s death with such stubborn determination.
But she’s being reckless, risking us and herself, and when I found out that she was leaving town I panicked.
Liz was leaving me again.
My fear made me angry and we argued and said awful things. I felt Liz slipping away and it terrified me. I couldn’t stand to lose Liz, not Liz, my friend, my soul mate, my love. So I said the most horrible thing I could think of to make her stay. I told her if she left, our friendship was over.
I knew it would make her stay.
Liz loved me, she didn’t want to leave. She just needed an excuse to stay and I gave her one.
But it didn’t work like that.
The fool I am, I underestimated Liz’s strength and determination.
She chose Alex over me.
The last time she had to make that choice she chose me without hesitation.
I think Liz has stopped loving me.
way away away from here I'll be
way away away so you can see
how it feels to be alone and not believe
feels to be alone and not believe anything
I never imagined anything could hurt so much. I thought I had experienced the worst pain possible when Liz walked away from me at the pod chamber, and then again when I saw her in bed with Kyle. But I was wrong.
Knowing I’m never going to have Liz in my life, knowing she doesn’t love me anymore is tearing me apart body, mind and soul.
I’ll never stop loving her and I’ll carry around the pain of what could have been the rest of my life.
I’ve held on to my hope for so long, but now hope is gone. Those few blissful weeks are all I’m ever going to have of Liz.
take me under
I'm crying tonight
watch me crumble
I'm dying tonight
I’ve felt the pain of being without Liz for a long time but I’ve always held on hope for the future, our future together. And the hope made it bearable. But without hope there is just this overwhelming pain.
I feel like part of me is missing, like there is literally a rend in my soul. How can I hurt this much and still be alive?
What is the point of going on, of living without Liz?
I’ve lived for her so long, practically my whole life, lived just to catch a glimpse of her, to see her smile, her beautiful face. And for a brief, shining moment we were together and happy, and it was better than I had ever imagined. I felt so complete, so loved. And to know I’ll never have that again is killing me.
Can you die of a broken heart?
Now that hope is gone I feel like I’m slowly dying, each piece of me shriveling up and turning to stone, and I don’t even care. At least death would end my pain.
How could something so beautiful turn out like this?
Everything I ever believed is wrong. Could this all be some horrible dream?
I don’t feel real. I don’t know who I am anymore.
Liz asked me to let her go.
Liz slept with Kyle
Liz left me again.
Liz has stopped loving me.
and now I try hard to make it
I can’t stand another fight
and nothing’s alright
nothing’s gonna change
the things that you said
nothing’s gonna make this
right again
please don’t turn your back
I can’t believe it’s hard
just to talk to you
‘cuz we lost it all
now it’s just too late
and we can’t go back
Then Tess was there. She always seems to find me at my lowest, like she has a radar for pain.
Tess who always supported me, who always loved me.
But Tess doesn’t know me, she never could and I don’t know her. She is a complete stranger to me, this woman who used to be my wife, and I don’t care.
We kissed at the prom and I felt nothing for her. I felt nothing but regret.
Even after seeing the memories she helped me recover I still don’t feel anything. The few snatches of memory of our life meant nothing. I watched them happening to someone else and felt nothing about them. I was detached, separate, like watching a movie. I may have been attracted to her in our other life, I may even have cared about her, but I know with more certainty than ever that I never loved her. But none of that mattered either.
Liz asked me to let her go.
Liz slept with Kyle
Liz left me again.
Liz has stopped loving me.
shaking, lonely
losing all my friends
tragic it seems, to be alone again
I'm dying tonight
Then we were kissing, and somewhere in the back of my mind I knew it was Tess, but it didn’t matter. I don’t know how it started or who stared it, I simply wanted to lose myself in something other than my misery. It could have been Tess or a complete stranger, I really didn’t care. If Khivar himself had appeared I would have thrown myself at his feet and begged him to kill me, begged him to end my pain.
The only thing I knew is it wasn’t Liz, and it never would be.
If I couldn’t have the one person in the world who I loved more than my own life, the one person who meant everything to me, if I couldn’t have my soul mate, what did it matter who I was with, or what I did? What did it any of it matter?
Liz asked me to let her go.
Liz slept with Kyle
Liz left me again.
Liz has stopped loving me.
Nothing means anything.
take me under
(I'm killing all the pain)
I'm dying tonight
(i'm sick of all this pain)
watch me crumble
(I'm killing all the pain)
I'm crying tonight
I'm giving in to you
take me under
I'm giving in to you
I'm dying tonight
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I wake up groggy and try to sit, but a weight is on my chest.
Liz is my first thought, but I know instantly I’m wrong. I have a strange nagging feeling that something terrible has happened, and as I look down my worst nightmares are confirmed by the mass of blonde curls.
Oh my God! What have I done?
I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
the only thing that’s real
I am an idiot. How could I think my actions would have no consequences? It’s like I was drunk on the pain, blind to everything around me.
But that’s no excuse.
I slept with Tess and ruined everything.
I don’t love Tess, and I know I never did. What she remembers about us in our other life is just her projection of how she wanted us to be. I believe that she loved me, but there is no doubt in my mind about my feelings for her. I know I never could have loved her like she claimed I did, because Liz fills up too much of my heart and soul. If I would have loved Tess like that I would have remembered. There would have been no room in my heart for Liz or anyone else. But Liz is all I’ve ever known.
And now I’ve betrayed her.
broken this fragile thing now
and I can't, I can't pick up the pieces
and I've thrown my words all around
but I can't, I can't give you a reason
I feel so broken up
and I give up
I just want to tell you so you know
here I go
scream my lungs out and try to get to you
you are my only one
I let go
there's just no one that gets me like you do
you are my only, my only one
I don’t really remember the details of what happened with Tess and I don’t want to. I don’t even remember making the decision to be with her. But I do know it happened because I let the pain consume me. I let go of hope for one moment and I’ve ruined everything.
The pain comes rushing back even worse than before, the pain of losing Liz, the pain of losing her love. And now because of my stupidity, my lack of faith, I know that I don’t deserve Liz.
I know someday you'll have a beautiful life,
I know you'll be a star in somebody else's sky,
but why,
why,
why can't it be,
why can't it be mine?
At least Liz cared for Kyle, had a relationship with him, a friendship, maybe even loved him at some point. But love played no part in what happened between Tess and myself.
Liz asked me to let her go.
Liz slept with Kyle
Liz left me again.
Liz has stopped loving me.
And I fucked Tess.
made my mistakes, let you down
and I can't, I can't hold on for too long
ran my whole life in the ground
and I can't, I can't get up when you're gone
here I go
scream my lungs out and try to get to you
you are my only one
I let go
there's just no one...no one like you
you are my only my only one
my only one
my only one
my only one
you are my only my only one!
If the original Zan was this stupid no wonder Antar fell. And even though I was given a second chance I obviously haven’t learned anything.
I don’t even recognize myself, what I’ve become. I’m not Max anymore.
I understand now why Liz left me. I’m a total stranger to her.
what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
if I could start again
a million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way
Tess starts to stir and I feel something very close to panic. My stomach clenches and I wonder if I’ll be sick.
I’ve always felt uncomfortable around her and now it’s even worse. I want to run away and never see her again. I want her to tell me that none of it happened, that none of it was real.
But Tess has always wanted this.
She is looking at me with a joyous smile and all I feel is pain, emptiness, regret.
I also feel pity for Tess. Not love, or tenderness, or friendship, or any other emotion I should feel for her at a time like this. I pity her for thinking any of this was real, for thinking it will change anything between us. I pity her because she’s a fool.
Tess who always supported me, who always loved me, and now I’m going to break her heart.
She’s just as much of an idiot as I am, loving someone who could never love her back. It’s too bad I can’t feel anything for her, we’d make the perfect couple living in denial of the truth around us.
With us as King and Queen no wonder Antar fell.
you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
Tess is so happy and I feel nothing for her but pity. But I know the pain of losing love, losing hope, so I let her have the moment and I don’t say the words that will crush her.
I don’t tell her we’ll never be together again, that we won’t be a couple.
I don’t tell her it was all a stupid, careless mistake.
I don’t tell her I’m more certain than ever that I could never love her.
I don’t tell her that I’ll never stop loving Liz.
Not yet.
watch me crumble
I'm dying tonight
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
THE END
