Choices-Then & Now (M/L mature/adult) Ch 34 8/14/05 [WIP

[amy2344]

here's a short chapter before the weekend. enjoy and thanks to all you lurkers out there. i'd love some feedback. best, amy

Chapter 29

The day progressed with everyone feeling shell-shocked by Alex and Tess’s discovery. Liz asked her parents to give her some space so that the group could discuss next steps. She loved her parents dearly but until they could get to a point of acceptance, she had to cut them loose. It sounded heartless but for the first time Liz was recognizing that she needed support versus more accusations and questions. She had to prioritize. Most importantly, Zan – he needed to connect with the Four Square soon and this was not the place. In fact, she needed to get out of their space not just for Alex and Isabel's sake but for her own sanity. Liz couldn’t take the chance of being seen in Roswell so that meant being a prisoner in the house. She knew that she, Zan and Serena couldn’t stay at the Pod Chamber. Even though it would be safe, it was exchanging one prison for another.

With Liz’s return, Max took a leave of absence from the hospital. It was his idea to approach River Dog about them staying at the Reservation indefinitely or until another alternative presented itself. It was late in the evening as he drove out into the desert to meet with him. He was deep in thought as he pulled off the highway and headed south on the dirt road.

He didn’t like leaving them alone but Michael was with them, Max still had not come to terms with how close Liz and Michael had become over the years. He knew he should be grateful that she had someone…had Michael there to watch over her and his son but he felt a growing resentment inside. He wasn’t jealous in the least of Serena so he knew he had an issue with Michael. He knew it was wrong but he couldn't reconcile his head and heart. They needed to talk about so much. He could intellectualize the situation all he wanted. Knowing that what she did was justified taking the noble path alone but again his heart screamed out that she abandoned him. She walked away from them. She lied. She had a choice and she didn’t chose me, he thought paying little attention to where he was driving. He hadn’t even noticed he had reached the Reservation and was sitting in the parked car. River Dog was standing in front of him, silhouetted in the headlights.

Max turned off the engine and sat there in silence before noticing he wasn’t alone. “I knew you would come. Follow me,” River Dog said as he turned and walked slowly with the help of a staff up the hill toward the cave.

Max got out of the car and followed him up the embankment. As he reached River Dog, the old man leaned into him for support. He looked ancient and frail. Max was actually surprised he was still living. They entered the cave together seeing the alien writing on the walls. “I know you have come seeking sanctuary.” River Dog moved toward a large boulder fumbling with something.

“I need Liz and Zan to be safe. I was wondering if they could stay here for maybe awhile, maybe a long time. We haven’t figured everything out logistically but I know she was safe here before and that you can be trusted as well as your people,” Max said quietly but his words echoed off the ceiling of the cave.

River Dog turned around holding something in his hands. “It’s not them I am concerned about. You, you are seeking sanctuary and peace within your own troubled mind and doubting heart.”

Max was silent staring into the old mans’ eyes. River Dog walked slowly towards him and handed him an envelope. The writing on the outside was Liz’s and his own. He tentatively opened it. The paper was yellowed and felt old and fragile. “Take your time, I will be here looking at the stars.” River Dog moved toward the cave's mouth to look up into the night sky.

My Love,
If you are reading this then something has gone wrong. I swore I’d never bring you into this madness unless I had to and by now I assume you must know. I am leaving soon with our son. I don’t know if you can ever forgive me for what I have done and am about to do, but please know I do not want to leave you. You are my life, my heart and my very soul. But as you know now if I don’t go then our fate is sealed including this tiny, innocent little baby in my arms. I need you to know everything Max while it is still fresh in my mind. I need you to know about the future version of you and me who made this decision. Enclosed is a letter he wrote and gave to River Dog before he disappeared. If I have returned then something must have happened. Please try to forgive me and please don’t blame your beautiful son…the gift you gave me so I could survive somehow without you, my love. I am so sorry to leave you alone. I want you to be happy and find another love. You deserve so much. Again, I am so sorry.
With all my heart,
Liz

Max could barely read the last words through the tears in his eyes. He folded the paper and pulled out the next letter. As he opened it, he couldn’t make out the words. He knew it was his handwriting but the tears were flowing freely blurring his vision. He steadied himself and wiped his eyes.

I know this is probably strange to say the least but you need to know something. Things I haven’t told her. Things she may not forgive you for. You or should I say 'we' have come back before and tried to change the future and each time it’s failed. I can’t recall all the details and I’m not really sure why I know this but I do. Everytime I've regenerated in the Granolith to remain here with the present version of myself, I exit with more knowledge, with memories of other lifetimes I've had here on Earth.

First, I know you are blaming yourself. I can’t change that because I am doing it as I write this. As I look at her sleeping in her bed after I left her tonight. I will always and I mean always hate myself for asking her to do this…to leave us but I didn’t see any other way. Only now that I have listened to the feelings of déjà vu and new memories inside my own head do I realize that I may be wrong. I don’t know what else to do except proceed with our plan. She has to keep him safe and away from the Skins.

There are other things that she doesn’t know that I kept from her. There are others…another set of aliens, duplicates in New York. They go by their Antarian names. They are not the true Royal Four. They were defective more alien than in harmony with their human sides like you are. Their Protector a long time ago abandoned them. He’s in California and goes by the name of Hal Langley. The Dupes live in New York City. I don’t know if they will find you or make contact with you since we have changed the future but they did before. Rath and Vilandra cannot be trusted. They are evil and have sided with Khivar and the Skins. It makes me sick. They killed Zan, our dupe. Maybe in this timeline he isn’t dead. Know that you can trust him and Ava. Again, this is new information to me because in my lifetime...I didn't know of them.

Okay so with that said, here’s the bad part. In a past timeline, I, you slept with Tess and she became pregnant. She struck a deal with Khivar to save herself and deliver your heir and the remaining Royal Four to him to be put to death. We had a son with Tess in the past and we changed that and now you have a son with Liz. Again, I don’t know how I know all this…all I can assume is that Serena may have found a way to merge information within the Granolith from the times we tried to change the future.

I’m sorry. I don’t have much time. I’m growing weak and I don’t know if I’ll make it till the birth of my son...your son. I’m telling you this to try and help mend whatever has happened because if you are reading this then we failed…again. Do what you need to do to protect them. And remember, she loves you wholly and completely. I have felt so alive being in her presence over the last few days and I have hated keeping these things from her. I felt with everything she has learned in such a short time dropping more on her in her state would do more harm. Thus, this letter. I can’t tell you what to do as far as sharing this with her now but I needed you to know. I hope things have changed and we can all be safe.
Max

Max finished reading the letter and calmly folded it up. Without warning he ran to the side of the cave wall with the alien symbols written and punched his fist as hard as he could into it. He screamed before falling to the ground clutching his bleeding knuckles. River Dog walked towards him but Max held up his undamaged hand to stop him. He tried to control his anger and rage at himself and at this absurd situation. What had they done? And now, besides the obvious information Tess and Alex had uncovered, what else was spiraling out of control? Max slowly got up on his feet and turned to look at the symbols on the wall. He hated them. He hated everything alien. He hated himself.

“I know that you may not want this right now but he asked me to give you this right before he ceased to exist.” River Dog extended his hand toward a shaking Max. Max looked down at the Orb. “He left this for you after he gave me the letter. He said there wasn’t time to explain it on paper but that his suspicions had been correct about the Granolith trying to merge information from what you had tried to do before in your attempts. The Granolith gave this to him. He was not able to open it...to hear the message. He said it was probably from a past version of you and that you needed to hear what he had to say.”

Max stumbled back stammering, “I…I don’t want it. This is out of control. You said I came here seeking peace and all you’ve done is show me things that have made it worse for all of us. I don’t want that thing.”

“Max, Liz and Zan should come here. You should be here too with them. It is your place now. It is your time to put the pieces into their rightful place. These are but tools to do that. You must not fear it. It is time to take control and take back what is yours and what you want. All that the two of you have sacrificed has not been meaningless. People are alive, people have changed and found the good within themselves. You both are no longer alone. It’s time, the stars have seen it. A joining is to take place that will bring more light into the universe than you can imagine. Enough suffering has occurred, the offering made. Rejoice, the answers are at hand.”

[amy2344]

Here's another quickie chapter. enjoy.

Chapter 30
He had to pull himself together. So many things were running through his confused mind that he wasn’t sure what his next move should be. Think Dammit. He pulled out the letter again cursing that the future version of him wasn’t more specific. Lot’s of help there…we just keep on fucking up don’t we? The whole concept of time travel was blowing his mind. He needed to talk this through with someone. He needed to figure this out before another mistake was made. But that was just it…other than Khivar potentially knowing about Zan through the Oracle and Age of Awakening what else was wrong? He knew that it was a fine line saying it was a mistake for Liz to leave because good things had come of it. Tess was here with them and Alex was still alive. His mind couldn’t escape the thoughts of being a stone dropped in a pond…the ripples extending further and further out touching everything…moving everything. Apparently it didn’t matter where or when the stone was dropped…it still changed everything. Time could be altered; outcomes changed. Who do I talk to? Suddenly Max felt for the first time an inkling of what Liz must feel. Knowing that every move you make, every thought, every choice ripples out into the world. This has to stop. He started the car and drove still unsure of his destination.


There was a light knock at the door. “Come in.”

“Busy much?” Maria said peering around the corner spying Liz staring down at the sleeping boy nestled next to her.

Liz signaled for her to whisper while she gently removed her arm from underneath his head and put away his bedtime book she had been reading until he nodded off. Getting up from the bed, she followed Maria down the hall. Michael had told her, well practically begged her to talk with Maria and she knew that time had come.

“You may need this,” Maria said handing Liz a blanket and hat while opening the backdoor.

“I’ll gladly wear a Hefty Bag and wig to get some fresh air,” Liz said excited about being outside for the first time in days. The sun had set and Maria had asked Alex to turn off the outside lights near the pool.

“I thought it’d be nice to get you out and maybe if you don’t mind…we…we could talk.” Maria opened up the umbrella for more privacy before sitting down on the lounge chair. She then produced a bottle of wine from below the table and quickly opened it, pouring two cups. “Vino? Or have you developed that nasty little alien side effect and can’t hold your liquor?”

Liz actually giggled taking the cup from Maria. “Nope, I should be fine. Nice, I see you spare no expense,” she said holding up the plastic cup to her friend. “Cheers! Here’s to fresh air and friendship.”

They both took a sip as the uncomfortable silence settled in. “So, are we still friends?” Liz asked tentatively.

“Jumping right in, I like that. I know you’ve changed because that is so not your style,” Maria said trying to maintain control of her emotions. They were outside afterall and raising their voices was too dangerous. “I don’t know what we are, Liz.”

Knowing her friend was hurting; she couldn’t help but sigh. “Maria, I am so sorry. I didn’t expect you to just welcome me back with open arms. You know you can let me have it. I can take it and God knows I deserve it.”

Taking more than a sip of her wine Maria jumped in at the invitation, “Well, I haven’t even let Michael have it and to be fair he should feel my wrath first.”

“But to be fair to Michael, he would never have been in this situation had it not been for me.”

“Touché. But really Liz, he made the choice not to tell me. Were you that convincing? Michael is his own person we all know that and he lied to me. He chose to cover up and lie to me,” Maria said lowering her voice reconsidering being outside in the open air now. Voices do carry.

It was Liz’s turn to pound her wine and reach for the bottle topping Maria off first before refilling her paper cup. “So is that what’s bothering you? Michael lied to you or is it because I asked him to? And to answer your question, yes I was very convincing. All it took was a glimpse of the future and there was no question in his mind, Maria. I’m not trying to pull rank or take anything away from you. I wanted you to be safe. Did Michael tell you what he saw?”

She sat there staring at Liz. She hadn’t even asked Michael about the future. Other than what was revealed to the group at the Pod Chamber and in discussions at Alex and Isabel's, Maria didn’t think there could be more. “He and I haven’t really talked about it.”

“Maria, I let him see it. I had to in order to get him to be silent about what I was doing.” Liz reached out across her chair to Maria’s empty hand and clasp it tightly. “’Ria,” she said softly never breaking eye contact, “you died trying to save Zan. You sacrificed yourself for my little boy. I will never ever be able to forget seeing that or be able to say how incredibly brave and selfless that act was…but that is why I left. Everyone died including Zan. I was not about to risk losing you or anyone because of me.” Liz didn’t know if it was the wine, the fresh air and balmy night but she was feeling loose, emotional…more so than she had felt in a long, long time. It only lasted a moment because she pulled her hand away from Maria saying, “Not that it has done any good now. I may have just screwed everything up again.”

“Liz, no one knows what is going to happen based on the information that Alex and Tess found. And this whole new martyr façade you got going on, well it’s not a good look.” Maria actually laughed and Liz couldn’t help but laugh too. Had to be the wine.

“So…”

“So…I want to be pissed at you. I really do and I want to be pissed as hell at Michael. God, this sucks I must really be getting old and complacent. Maria De Luca is losing her edge. So I really died? Was it a good dramatic death scene or one not worth mentioning?” Maria smiled trying to ease the tension.

“Maria! Like I have a right to ask you anything but give Michael a break. He was just doing what he thought would keep you safe. That boy has it bad for you. You are so lucky to have him. You know that right?” Liz said pouring more wine.

Maria knew she was super blessed to be with Michael but she was still hurt. She wanted it to stop and hated knowing that it would just take time. She had always been a black and white person…love ‘em or hate ‘em no in between. That in and of itself made this situation so frustrating. “You know he still loves you.”

Liz stiffened and turned away. “I don’t want to talk about him. I thought we were talking about us.”

“Okay, for now. Then let me tell you how jealous I am over tall red haired bombshell being your new ‘chica du jour’. I feel like I don’t know you anymore. I know it’s been ten years. I’ve been replaced.” There, she had said it.

“Well, I’ve been replaced by Tess.” There, she had said it too.

Silence. Suddenly Maria’s voice rang loud and clear through the quiet night, “I know you’re listening Space Boy. We need more wine pronto.”

They both erupted in girlish giggles before saying simultaneously, “Chop Chop.”

Liz got to her feet and moved the short distance to Maria lounge chair. “May I?” she plopped down practically on top of her old friend. “Maria, I’ve changed and I’m not sure if that’s good or bad. Being with you like this…makes me remember…makes me feel not alone for the first time in so long.” She leaned her head on Maria’s shoulder. “This isn’t a sympathy ploy; you’re smarter than that. No one could replace you. No one has. I do have Serena and I know that if you gave her a chance you’d see that she is a great person in and of herself. But there is and will only be one Maria De Luca in my heart. And where is Michael with that wine?”

“Apparently he’s good at keeping secrets but a shitty waiter. What can I say, the boy needs more training,” Maria said leaning into Liz and pulling the blanket around them both.

Michael sent Isabel out with another bottle choosing to stay inside. He knew he couldn’t contain the smile on his face at the sight of the two of them getting tanked and making up. It was good for them both. Once Isabel had left, Maria whispered to Liz while pouring her another cup full. “So, you don’t want to talk about him?”

“Him who?”

“Oh, father of your child, King of a distant planet, hot Doctor Evans who. And by the way I fully expect to be named as Zan’s godmother after all you have put me through.”

“It’s complicated.”

“Well Duh! Can’t you come up with any thing better chica. You’ve been using that line forever. The way I see it he fucked up and you fucked up and you’re both super sorry and now boom you’re back with an adorable little Max and he loves you and you…” Maria waited for Liz to fill it in. “Come on Lizzie, this where you say you still love him.”

Liz didn’t honestly know what to say. Love was not something she allowed herself to feel anymore other than for Zan. “I don’t know how.”

“You don’t know how to say it or you don’t know how to love him?” Maria asked exasperated at her friend. This was so simple why couldn’t she see it?

“So much has happened and so much has changed. We are not teenagers anymore. I want him to be Zan’s father. I want that so much and I think he wants that too. That’s about all I can deal with right now. Do you understand? How can he forgive me for what I’ve put him through all this time?” Liz stopped talking suddenly deep in thought. I do love him. I know I do but I don’t know how anymore.

“Oh and he’s not to blame for any of this. Okay, that’s it I am truly pissed now. You both make me sick. You walk around like saints…martyrs…I don’t know. Jesus, I’m not as smart as you are because I need to look up the words. What right do the two of you have to make decisions that effect everything? What gives you and Max the right to fuck with time and alter all kinds of shit without even thinking of what it may or may not do? Have you ever once thought that maybe it’s just the way things are supposed to be? That maybe the whole flipping purpose of evolution, dinosaurs, apes and humans is so we can be wiped out by an alien race? Believe me I’m not advocating annihilation here but Liz, can you not just be happy knowing that he loves you and you love him and you have an amazing child? Because you know to quote John Lennon ‘Love is all you need'. Everybody else is doing it so why is it impossible for you and Max?”

Liz just sat there in stunned silence thinking over everything Maria had said before responding, “I love you, Hurricane De Luca. I do know that.”

[amy2344]

hello to all, hope you are enjoying your summer so far. here's a quiclie chapter with my goal to post a longer one this weekend. enjoy.
best,
amy

Chapter 31
He drove still unsure where he was going. How has she handled this for so long, he thought. His mind raced between the need to talk to someone…talk this out, make a plan and driving back to Isabel’s and holding a meeting with everyone right then and there. Part of the problem with this situation was too many secrets had been kept for too long. He wasn’t an island and he knew he needed to proceed carefully. Making a decision he pulled off the road and turned on his cell and dialed.

“Hey Serena, I know it’s late but I need a favor. I need to talk with you and the Sheriff now. Can we meet at the Pod Chamber and without anyone knowing what you’re doing? I’ll explain when you get here. I’m calling the Sheriff now. Thanks.”

Serena and the Sheriff would be meeting him soon. He kept telling himself he wasn’t trying to hide anything from the others. He just needed another point of view from someone not as close to the situation or at least who knew what was going on but wasn’t as involved. Serena had been his first choice even above Liz. He knew that in any other life he wouldn’t have hesitated calling Liz first. But that’s what got the two of them into situations like this…making decisions for the rest of the group without thinking things through completely. There was a time that he would’ve even made decisions for Liz but that had changed. He kept on telling himself that what he was doing was right but that still didn’t make him feel any better. Again, he had another flash of what it must be like to walk in Liz’s shoes.

Serena had left the quiet house unobserved. Liz and Maria had basically passed out together in her room. Michael took Zan up to Max’s apartment to stay with him careful not to wake him. She drove to the station and parked meeting the Sheriff ten minutes later. The streets were deserted as they drove out of town.

“Do you know what this about?” the Sheriff asked her breaking the awkward silence between the two.

“No, he really didn’t explain but he sounded…off.” Serena wondered what had happened with River Dog and why he only wanted to meet with the two of them versus the rest of the gang.

While he waited he decided to crawl through the lower pod to look at the Granolith. He hadn’t been back there in so long. He walked completely around the conical object before realizing he had never actually touched it at least not in this lifetime. He could sense more than feel a gentle pulse coming from it. Reaching out he touched it feeling the smoothness and warmth. I wish you could talk. There’s so much I need to know. Suddenly flaring to life Max found himself surrounded by light. The brightness was shocking but he felt unafraid in fact he felt quite calm. The brightness increased as well as the temperature. That was the last thing he remembered as he fell to ground.

Serena and the Jim parked the SUV and climbed the rock to the entrance of the Pod Chamber; Max had left it open for them. “Max?”

“Where is he? Max?” Serena called out thinking it was odd and then she noticed the Sheriff pull out his gun and motion for her to be quiet. He cased the area before heading toward the Granolith Chamber. He climbed up a small rock outcropping to peer through the upper pod without revealing himself just in case. The chamber appeared to be empty but he still couldn’t see all the way around the object inside.

Handing Serena his gun, he motioned for her to climb up and provide cover if needed. He then bent down and slowly crawled through. Rolling to his left once he cleared the pod he saw Max lying still on the ground. “Serena, we’re clear. Get in here!”

“What do you think happened?” Jim asked while taking his pulse unable to tear his eyes away from the deep blackened gash on his cheek. “His pulse is okay at least and his breathing steady. He feels hot though…feverish.”

Serena looked at the Granolith noticing the pulsing rhythm and faint glow at its base. “I’d bet my bottom dollar he tried to connect with it. It happened in the past with the other version of him. He had that mark on his cheek. That’s my guess.” Serena reached out to touch the Granolith. She had done it before when they had first arrived back in Roswell. Nothing had happened then but the object wasn’t pulsing or glowing either. Serena was drawn to this object knowing it contained unlimited power and held such mystery and hope for mankind. Liz hated it. She swore she would never touch it after what she saw it do to Future Max. She didn’t even want to come in the other chamber but Zan wanted to see it. What was Max thinking? What made him touch it? What has happened now?

“Do you think touching it is such a good idea if something happened to Max; it may not be through,” Jim said. Max started to stir diverting his attention and Serena’s from the Granolith.

Leaning down close to the Sheriff she said, “But I’m not green around the gills. It won’t respond to me. Max? Can you hear me?”

His head throbbed and his face hurt badly. He could smell something unnatural…burned. He opened his eyes and immediately knew that was a mistake. He rolled to his side and vomited. He felt arms around him helping him while he gagged. “Who…is it? Who’s here?” he managed to spit out.

“Max, it’s Jim and Serena. You called us son. Can you tell us what happened? Serena’s gone to grab some water from the car. What happened to your face?”

Max slowly reached toward the ache on the side of his face. He tentatively touch it feeling a gapping slit that seemed charred, rough to the touch spanning the length of his cheekbone. He winced at the contact but couldn’t help trace the edges of it. “I…I don’t know. I came in here and I saw it pulsing and I reached out to touch it and that’s all I can…” Suddenly Max was fully alert. “Wait, I can remember something. I remember…me. Other Max’s here in this room with Liz and Serena.”

Serena came back with water and a blanket. “You okay? I guess now I know how you got that,” she said gesturing to his face.

“What? You saw me with this? When?”

“Max, up until we came back to Roswell I had only met you once but I spent a lot of time with Future Max. He had that scar on his face too. Liz told me about the night she found him inside that Granolith ‘regenerating’ or something. It was making scars like that all over him. When he disappeared light shot out from those scars and 'poof' he was gone. But Liz never mentioned seeing you disfigured when she saw the future the two of you shared so something is different.” Serena said trailing off deep in thought.

“Disfigured? Is it really that bad? I can just heal it,” he reached up and touched it pooling all his energy into his gift but something was wrong. It wasn’t responding. It wasn’t working.

“Maybe you are just exhausted from whatever happened here. You should rest; we should get you back,” the Sheriff said helping Max to his feet.

“I don’t want the others to see this; I don’t want them to know. I remember something when I…connected with it. I saw things. The reason I asked you both to come was because of this.” Max held out the letters he had been given from River Dog. “Read the one from me. The one from Liz is private.”

Leaning over Serena’s shoulder, they both read the tattered message from Future Max. Serena folded and handed it back to him. “Is this possible? Possible for you to have done something to the Granolith to leave traces of what has happened in the past or I mean the future. If you are the one who figured out how to operate this thing in the future then I’d have to say that you probably are the best choice for doing something like this,” he stared at Serena.

“Oh my God,” she said. “Liz is going to freak out Max.”

“I know that, but I needed to talk this through before telling her and everyone else. She is already upset enough and if what I have learned tonight is true then I have a better understanding of what she’s been going through. All I know is this has to stop. I mean I am starting to question this reality. What if there isn’t one true reality and this…all these versions of ourselves are just going to keep on going forever until infinity. This isn’t right.”

“Max I don’t know. I’m the physicist not into metaphysics. But if, and I mean if, any of this is true then you are asking the right questions. Is there one true reality and if so how do we find it? What if the one true reality is the death and destruction of this planet...of your son? What then? Are you willing to accept that? Will Liz? I would have to say that if or when we figured out that we had altered the future numerous times and to no avail…this would make sense. I’m sure I could’ve figure out a way to encode memories into the time travel aspect of the Granolith. Wait, you said you remembered things,” Serena asked becoming increasingly fascinated with the Granolith and its power.

“It’s all fuzzy but as the letter states, I feel like I know things that will or have happened but I didn’t live them. I want to know what you think, Jim. I know I have to tell the others. Secrets and lies get us nowhere but Liz has been through so much and Tess. How do I tell her that she and I had a child? I’m so confused.” Max sighed as he ran his fingers across the scar on his face still thinking of Serena’s choice of words.

“Max, I don’t know but they need to know. Do you have any recollection of a version of Liz ever coming back like she did now? I mean if the two of you being together is what you think caused the end of the world…do you know how many times you’ve tried this?” the Sheriff stated snapping into detective mode.

“I couldn’t say exactly but I know that I’ve come back at least several times, maybe four, five. I have these memories of Liz but they are different. I mean they couldn't be linear if that makes sense. Oh my God, I think we even had a daughter in one lifetime together. How do I tell her that?” Max was staring to lose it.

“Max, focus!” Serena yelled snapping him back into the reality at hand. “Like you said secrets or what you and Liz both believe as good intentions have wrought all of this. Well, that’s not really true. Khivar is truly to blame for the end of the world and killing you and company the first time, which brought you here in the first place. Back to the good intentions, I know that you and Liz believe that what you did was the right decision but in essence you have eliminated our choice including present you and present Liz to become our true selves. If there is one true reality then there is one true self to coincide with it. I don’t know what that is or even means at this point but inside that head of yours we have some clues. I believe that whatever the case we have to solve this riddle and set things right. Okay Batman?”

“I forgot that River Dog gave me this too,” Max said as he pulled out the orb from his jacket pocket. "If we need answers then this should have some. I’m tired of not knowing and I’m tired of all the what ifs. We have to stick together; we are stronger together then apart. Help me make Liz understand that.” They stayed an hour longer making plans to talk with the group once Liz and Zan relocated to the reservation in the next day or so. By waiting it would give Max time to try and recover more memories or clues as Serena liked to call them. The more focused information they could present, the better. The scar was another problem. He would tell the truth omitting a few details until they all talked as a group. Maybe by morning he would be able to heal it anyway.

[amy2344]

hi all,
this is short and i promise that another one will post saturday. i have been in interviewing hell this week. thanks for your patience and support. a big long juicy chapter is 3/4 done. also, thanks for your feedback. even though i was recently pruned i saved all your feedback. it makes me smile.
best,
amy

Chapter 32
Everyone was still sleeping when he and Serena arrived back at the house. Max knew he needed to rest. His body ached as much as his heart and mind but sleep wouldn’t come. He quietly climbed the stairs to his apartment to look in on his son. He was sound asleep with Michael and Maria. He wondered why the others hadn’t had children. He thought about it briefly but then it faded - replaced by her awareness. He could feel Liz; their connection fluttering through his body almost pulling him to her. She wasn't blocking him. He went back into the main house contemplating going to her room when he remembered the scar. He absently fingered it deciding to just go outside for awhile. He didn’t want to make a habit of sleeping on the lounge chair but he knew he couldn’t face anyone with this thing on his face. He sunk down onto the cushion and looked up at the stars for a moment.

Liz knew he was back. She was still feeling the effects of the alcohol and needed some water. She was walking to the kitchen when she saw him in the hallway. Suddenly he turned around and went outside. She could sense his sadness and frustration. She hoped everything had gone well with River Dog. Grabbing a bottle of water and some aspirin, she followed him outside. She needed some air. It had been such a relief to be out of the house tonight with Maria.

He had only closed his eyes a second but he knew she was there. He was grateful for the darkness; it hid the scar. He didn’t want to get into everything with her right now. It was too soon. Any and all anger he had felt about Liz’s decision to disappear had practically vanished based on what he had learned tonight. He felt like he was walking in her shoes and just needed to process all this information before letting the cat out of the bag because it would change everything again.

“Are you asleep?” she whispered.

“No, I just got back. I can’t sleep. I checked on Zan. He’s fine.” Max sighed.

“Are you…is everything okay? You were gone a really long time and I…did everything go alright with River Dog? You seem…off. Do you want to talk?” Liz asked tentatively.

Max couldn’t help but chuckle. “Loaded question, Liz. Everything is fine with plans to stay at the reservation. We can go as early as tomorrow evening if you want. We can talk about the details tomorrow. You should go back to sleep. It’ll be morning soon.”

Liz couldn’t read him. For the past few days he had wanted nothing more than to talk about their situation and now he seemed so closed. Or was she just more open because of the last remnants of the wine buzz. “I’m awake now. Can I join you?”

“Liz…it’s late and I'm tired and…”

“Why won’t you talk to me? All you wanted to do was talk the last few days,” Liz said surprised by her outburst of emotion. Had to be the wine.

“Oh so now it’s okay to talk because you want to…on your terms. Well, I can’t right now,” Max stated.

“Max, I…”

“You've been avoiding me not the other way around. I feel like you are repulsed by something or me. It’s because of him…Future Max…because of what we did to you.”

“I’m not repulsed. I’m just…”

“Afraid of me?”

“No.”

“Then what? Tell me Liz. Jesus, you wanted to talk so just talk to me. I know you know that I still love you. Is that it? You don’t love me anymore like I love you. Are you feeling sorry for me? Poor Max, didn’t move on like you obviously have.”

“Max stop it! I had to change. You just reach a point where it’s too painful to stay the same. Listen to me, I have changed. I am not the same person you knew before I disappeared, before Zan, before I became a mother.”

“Before you left me…left us.”

“God Max, for so long I tried to block it out because I couldn’t bear the thought of being without you but I accepted that it wasn’t meant to be or at least not at the price of everyone and everything in this world. I knew because I saw the future and what transpired because a boy loved a girl and that girl loved the boy back with all her heart and soul. I couldn’t be that selfish. I started to see myself as the root cause of all the death and destruction to come. Because you saved me…because of your act of total selflessness…my life…me, Liz Parker, existing has condemned an entire race. I wasn’t worth that price.”

“Liz, that’s not true.”

“Look at me Max,” she begged but he wouldn’t turn his face to her. “I’m broken. I don’t know how to fix this even if I wanted to. I made myself believe that I’d never be able to love you, to touch you…to be with you because if I ever, ever did it would mean the end of the world. Please, just look at me and you’ll know…you’ll understand. You have to see that I am not worth it.”

Max couldn’t stand to hear her like this. He looked at her. Her eyes widened as the moonlight fell across his face illuminating the blackened gash. “Oh God, what…what happened?”

He sat up to face her. “Don’t cry. This isn’t important right now. You wanted to talk well that means you need to listen too. Can you do that for me?” She nodded her head still shocked by the sight of his face.

“I don’t want to lose you again. I can’t do it again. Please let me in…let me love you. Let me show you what it’s like again. I’m broken too Liz and we both know that the only way to heal is through eachother.”

She reached out and ran her fingers lightly over the crackled skin. “Max, you're broken because of me. I took something from you ten years ago. By altering the future I took away a part of you…a part of your life. I left you and cut right into your soul and no matter what Max, the damage is done. How can you forgive someone for something like that regardless of the reasons? Because I can't forgive myself.”

Being this close to her, feeling the connection come to life was more than he could bear. Her sadness and hopelessness was overwhelming him mixing with his own sense of loss and grief. “You didn’t do this to me Liz,” he said gently removing her hand from his face and bringing it to his lips for a soft kiss. “You are here.” He moved her now trembling hand to rest near his heart. “You never left me in here. And I know, I have to believe that you kept a part of me in your heart too.” For a few moments there was nothing else just the two of them staring back at one another each afraid to make the next move.

“I’m afraid Max,” she whispered trying to pull away from his beating heart.

Holding her hand firmly in place, he pulled her to him urging her to let down her defenses. She couldn’t hold back anymore. He moved over allowing her space to lie down next him. “Let’s just rest. We have a lot to do tomorrow. Let’s just be quiet. Let’s just be,” Max said wrapping his arms around her body as she spooned his.

“But Max, your face…how…”

“Shhh, we can talk about it tomorrow.” He sighed sinking into the cushion feeling her weight settle next to his.

“I’ll be quiet; I promise but can we go back inside to the guestroom,” Liz asked not really wanting to move but knowing that she shouldn’t be outside when the sun came up.

“Sure.” He moved away from her slowly feeling the loss of her warmth instantly. “But I’m not letting you go Liz.” Finding strength somewhere he swooped in cradling her in his arms carrying her back inside.

[amy2344]

as promised a few hours late...enjoy. hope you aren't disappointed and totally confused.
best,
amy

Chapter 33
Alex and Isabel couldn’t help but wake up when they heard voices outside. “I feel like we’re eavesdropping but I shouldn’t right? I mean it’s our home.”

“Everything seems so crazy and tense. Liz is so…affected. She’s so hollow. Alex, I don’t want to become like that. I feel bad for saying that after all she’s done for us…for you,” Isabel reached out to touch his face. “I wouldn’t have you and I can’t even imagine what my life would be like.”

Alex sighed, “Isabel, that’s what Liz’s life has become. I’m glad she and Max talked. I can understand where’s she coming from. She loves us all so much. She loved life so much that she gave up living herself so that we could have this.” It was his turn to reach out to his wife. “Have you thought about dreamwalking her?”

“No, she’s stronger than me. She’d figure it out and keep me out. Why do you ask?” Isabel was surprised that he would even suggest it.

“I don’t think she’s that strong tonight. I mean with the little party she and Maria had earlier and she’s still weak from the accident. I heard her talking to Serena. She still can’t communicate telepathically with Zan. It’s bothering her especially because she can do it with Max. I think you could get in and observe. Just a quick peek,” Alex asked.

“Why? What do you think I’ll see? And what if she does sense me, I’d be pissed if it was the other way around.”

Alex knew it was risky but he needed to know what Liz’s state of mind was. “Maybe it will give us some insight into who Liz has become. I want to help her. Don’t you?”

“Of course I do, it’s just kind of invasive. I mean we aren’t teenagers anymore. And maybe it will help me understand what she truly feels for my brother. God, he wants her back so much and I felt like she opened the door a crack to him. Alex, I just worry about the power she still has over him. She could destroy him so easily,” Isabel said unable to mask her fear.

“Issy, she wouldn’t hurt him intentionally. I truly believe that. I am worried about her, really worried about her sanity at this point. She doesn’t look well and it's not from the accident. I wouldn’t ask this if I really didn’t think it was important,” he begged.

“Okay, but Max is with her and their connection is just so mind boggling at this point they are probably dreaming the same dreams.”

“Thanks, have I told you how lucky I am to have such a talented and beautiful wife?” Alex smiled.

“No you haven’t Mr. Whitman, not today at least.”

“Thank you Mrs. Whitman for being such an amazing woman. I love you and I am the absolute luckiest man alive…thank goodness or should I say thank Liz?”

Isabel quieted her mind and tried to relax. She knew that what Alex was saying made sense but she still felt like she was taking advantage of Liz’s situation. Slowing her breathing, she reached out to Liz’s subconscious mind. Alex was right; Liz was wide open. Getting in was a piece if cake.

She found herself standing in some sort of underground cavern that was illuminated by glowing orbs similar to the communication orb they had found in the desert. She thought at first that it was the pod chamber but it wasn’t; it felt strange yet familiar. Isabel walked forward on the stone floor until she came to a fork leading to the left and right. Turning around quickly she heard footsteps approaching from the direction she had come. Liz was running towards her and appeared frightened. She appeared unaware of Isabel’s presence. Isabel sighed in relief. While she was worried about what Liz would do if she discovered she was being dreamwalked, she was actually more afraid of Max’s reaction if he found out.

Liz briefly stopped at the crossroads in front of her before continuing down the left tunnel. Isabel quickly followed. She could hear Liz calling out for Zan now. It broke Isabel’s heart to hear the frantic emotion in Liz’s voice. The tunnel wasn’t as illuminated as the main chamber so she had to constantly check the ground below for any obstructions. She heard a scream and assumed it was Liz. She ran faster trying to reach her. Up ahead she could see a bright light shining. Liz was facing it, begging for it to answer her. Isabel couldn’t make out the exact words Liz was saying. The light was coming from the side of the cavern with no recognizable power source. It seemed to cause the air around them to move in waves like on a hot day when the heat radiates off the ground. Liz’s body seemed blurred almost vibrating with the light source. Liz fell to her knees while Isabel moved closer. Suddenly, Liz turned around and looked at her right in the eyes. “Help me Isabel. Don’t let them take him from me. He’s all I have. Tell them to take me. I can give them what they want. Don’t let them take him.”

The dream changed instantly and she was standing in Max’s apartment next to his bed where Zan was sleeping between Michael and Maria. Zan’s eyes were wide open but he appeared to be sleeping. Where was Liz she thought? Is this still her dream? Isabel looked around the room and saw a man in a flowing white robe standing in the shadows staring down at the boy while he slept. Without warning Zan sat up and looked at Isabel. He opened his mouth to speak but no words came out. The same bright light she saw in the cavern with Liz blinded Isabel. It was coming from Zan’s mouth. The man in the white robe smiled, looked at Isabel and nodded before saying, “It is done.”

Isabel again found herself back in the chamber with the light. Liz was laying on the floor sobbing. The light pulsed even brighter causing her to look up. Zan emerged from the light only he wasn’t a boy anymore. He was fully-grown. He smiled at his mother before urging her up into his arms. Zan looked at Isabel and said, “It’s alright now. Everything will be all right. I know you will come and I know what to do. Don’t worry, I’m not afraid.”

Isabel felt herself being shaken. She opened her eyes to see Alex’s worried face staring down at her. “Thank God, you’re back. I was so worried. I couldn't make you wake up,” he said pulling her tightly into his arms. “Are you okay?”

Isabel could feel her heart racing from the experience. This was nothing like a normal dreamwalking. She could feel her body slick with sweat. “Alex, it was so strange. I felt like they wanted to tell me something. But I don’t know what. I don’t know what to do but I have to do something.”

“Whoa, you’re rambling. Just start from the beginning and tell me what happened.”

Taking a deep breath, she began trying not to leave anything out.


The next morning came quickly, too quickly for some and not fast enough for others. Liz was excited about getting to the reservation even though nervous about spending so much time one on one with Max. During breakfast Max had received a call from River Dog explaining the arrangements. They would be staying in a house together, the three of them…a family. She was so grateful to have stayed with Alex and Isabel but she needed to be able to move about without worry. Serena was coming with them but had arranged to stay elsewhere conveniently. Liz wondered whether Serena and Max were conspiring to create situations for she and Max to be together.

Max had woken up before her and she found him sitting in the chair watching her. She noticed the scar on his cheek now looked identical to the one Future Max had. Max had been able to heal it somewhat but not completely. He explained that he had gone to the see the Granolith after meeting with River Dog and something had happened. He wasn’t sure what exactly but he promised they would talk about it once they were settled.

Alex and Isabel seemed nervous this morning. They had both asked to talk to Liz about her visions or dreams that had caused her to come back to Roswell. Sitting in the living room, Liz felt like another inquisition was about to begin. She really couldn’t wait to get to the reservation.

“Can you tell us about your dreams?” Alex started.

Liz just sighed and sank back into the sofa. She closed her eyes. “They are vague but pretty consistent. They started a few months ago. I’d just blank out, lose time and I would go inside my head and see things. See people and places that I’ve never known before. The impression I get from them is…don’t laugh, but Antarian. I see Antar. In particular this cave, I think and these gardens. God, the gardens are so lovely and so different then the dark cave. It reminded me of the cave at the reservation with the stones embedded in the walls.”

“Okay, but are you awake when you have these visions or asleep?” Isabel asked with a cracking voice. She quickly cleared her throat.

“Both I think. I mean I would wake up and know I dreamed something but it would be later in the day before I could really remember. Like last night, I know I dreamed about the cave but I can’t remember exactly what. It always comes to me later.” Isabel and Alex glanced at eachother. “Anyway, there were stones in the walls too in my dream and they would glow and pulse with this hypnotic rhythm and I would hear this voice in my head sometimes talking to me and other times it was this man in a white robe. It always says the same thing.”

“Which is?”

“I don’t know the words exactly but something about change…revolution…power and sacrifice and then a rebirth. Zan sees them too. He’s the one who told me we needed to come back that he needed to connect with the Four Square. I know I should be able to tell you more. I mean what kind of person you must think I am," Liz said nervously. "First, I get a visitor from the future telling me to leave and now I am seeing and hearing things in my mind and my ten year old son tells me to come back.” Liz laughed feeling very uncomfortable. “I thought he was safe. I thought you all would be safe. I thought that even if we did ever come back that we’d have this 14-year window to figure out what to do before Nicholas or Khivar ever found out...if they found out and now…I thought Zan would’ve been so much older practically grown. I can’t send a child to battle. He’s just a boy – my baby.” She could see him outside swimming with Max laughing and playing.

“I know Liz. But he’s the heir to the throne. He more than likely has the seal that Max has according to the Destiny Book. You know that we will prepare. We’ll do everything, take every precaution to protect you both. Is that all you can tell me about the dreams? What about the gardens?”

“Well, the cave has all these different tunnels in them. Sometimes I am just wandering through them and other times I find my way out to this beautiful garden. I know it has to be Antar because the plants…the animals…even the water is different. So beautiful and alien and peaceful,” Liz said almost lost in her memories of this place. “There is a plaque with sculptures of the Royal Four. I think it is where you died. I know it seems strange to say this place is so peaceful when I think it may be where Khivar attacked you but it just feels so alive…so aware. I can never make out the words on the plaque below the statue and on the rock below. I know they are important and sometimes I try to stay in the vision or dream to find out but I can’t. Zan says he knows what they say but that he can’t speak Antarian so he can’t tell me. He told me that he feels the words and that he knew we had to come back. That’s all. If I think of anything else I’ll tell you, okay. I’d really like to get our things together to go.”

“Thanks Liz really,” Alex said as she got up from the sofa.

“Umm why did you want to know anyway?” Liz asked feeling curious as to their motives.

“Just wanting to have as much info as possible.”


Max, Liz, Zan and Serena all drove to the reservation just after sunset. The Sheriff, Michael and Maria followed at a close distance as a precaution. Michael had insisted on coming to check out the area. Upon arriving Michael, Serena and the Sheriff walked around with River Dog and Eddie to satisfy themselves about security – making necessary arrangements in case of an emergency.

While the others were busy casing their new living quarters, Max and Liz walked to the cave with Zan exploring close by. Max knew he needed to tell her. “Liz, I need to talk to you. I need to tell you what happened when I came here last night. Apparently, this isn’t the first time we tried this.”

“What do you mean?” she asked sensing his apprehension.

“This is our latest attempt to change the future. I’ve come back before.”

“How, how do you know? I don’t think I want to hear this Max.”

They had reached the cave and entered it stopping in the large chamber. “This,” Max said as he pulled out the orb he had wrapped in his jacket, “River Dog gave it to me as well as the letter you wrote to me before, well before you left. I also had written myself a letter.”

“Okay, I asked him to give you my letter. But the orb…that doesn’t make sense, Max. The future version of you disappeared so the orb and the letter he wrote should have vanished with him,” Liz said frantically not liking where this was headed.

“I don’t know Liz. They’re here. River Dog has ways of accessing different planes of existence, different timelines…I or a future version of me left the orb and letter with him as sort of an insurance policy…to let us know some things about why we keep doing this. I know you don’t like this and neither do I but I need to tell you. I need for us to be honest about every thing going forward.” Max rubbed the outside of the orb with his thumb.

“What does it say?” Liz looked at it remembering the pain the last message from an orb brought her. Even though she knew with all her heart that the previous destiny message regarding Max and Tess was not true, it still caused her to ache a little inside.

“I don’t know. I can’t activate it. I mean I tried to when I went to the Pod Chamber to look at the Granolith. I wanted answers and I found nothing - except for a headache and my new friend here,” he touched his scar. “When the Granolith knocked me out, it placed memories in my mind. Memories of the past, memories of you and me that I haven’t experienced. So they have to be from different timelines. You’d done enough so I thought I should pull my weight and could maybe figure this one out on my own…sift through the information and come up with a plan before telling you. So that’s what I did.”

“Without me knowing or anyone else?” she demanded.

He knew it was coming and couldn’t help feeling angry. “Oh don’t pull that with me. You’re one to talk. You just left after concocting your plan with a future me. God, this is ridiculous. I don’t want to fight about it.”

Liz tried to calm herself. “Max, you're right. We've kept enough secrets from one another obviously to last many lifetimes. I assume you couldn’t open the orb because maybe you and Tess need to try it together like before in the Pod Chamber, you know…the destiny message.” There, she’d said it. Why was this bothering her so much.

“No, I think maybe you and I need to try this together. If a future me left it with River Dog, then it has to have something to do with us. If nothing happens, then we’ll try it with Tess, okay? Do you want to read the letter from me or I mean him?” he asked knowing it would upset her but he didn’t want to hide anything.

Neither one moved as they just stared at the orb. Half excited about the possibility of getting some answers yet reticent at the same prospect, they didn’t hear Zan enter the cave chamber.

“Hey, what’s this?” He reached out to touch the orb in his father’s hands. As Zan fingers came into contact with the extraterrestrial object, a beam of light shot out of the swirling symbol and bounced off the cave ceiling. An image immediately formed and began to speak.

If you are seeing me now then somehow it worked. I know that either you, mother or father or even myself, have activated the message. I don’t know who to address this to but here goes…it’s me, Zan. I don’t have much time…if any at all and I have learned no thanks to you that time can be changed, altered and above all else - time can never be trusted. In fact because of the two of you, time can be trapped and changed into a reality in another time. You both have tried so many things to alter the destruction of your world and mine. I am on Antar. Twenty years have passed since I was brought here. They only keep me alive to control the masses; they use me as a figurehead of the throne – your throne father.

I know you thought I died when Earth was attacked. I know you thought you saw it happen but it didn’t. Tess mindwarped you. I did see you both die; Khivar made sure I saw that. I know I saw mom and Serena die when the Pod Chamber collapsed but dad, you had disappeared into the Granolith. It took years for me to realize what you had done. I tried to contact you mom, to warn you but the Skins were suppressing my powers. I could feel your grief, you mourning me before you died. I’m so sorry.

What you need to know is that they always knew about us. The timing was intentional. I’ve been able to piece together what I think you’ve done…to try and change the past in order to prevent the future. Khivar knows, the Oracle knows and the Resistance knows. The only way to really change things is defeat him and in order to do that you must come here before he comes to Earth. The only problem is that I know where here is but I don’t when here is. I know this is confusing. I don’t know if I’ll even be here if you come.

I’ve made an alliance with a group of priests and priestesses of the Sacred Oracle of Antar. You must find a way; the Granolith is the key. It can be altered for time travel or space travel. A bridge can be made between the two worlds because the Granolith and the Oracle are linked. I cannot begin to tell you how imperative it is that you come.

Khivar is far more evil than you think him to be. I don’t really care what he does with me but he has my sister. Mom didn’t miscarry when I was five years old. Khivar took her…he harvested her from your womb. I remember that night when you got sick. Dad was working late at the hospital. That’s when it happened, Nicholas and Rath and Lonnie from the other set of four – the duplicates - came and took her. He could do it because she doesn’t carry the seal. That’s why he never took me. In some absurd way this seal protects me or at least it did until I became a certain age. But Lexi, she wasn’t born yet. She was podded here on Antar for a few years until she was born so to speak.

Khivar uses her. I try my best to tell her about our family but I’m not allowed to see her that often. She and I used to share a connection like I did with mom but they severed it when I got older. I fear for her life, for her sanity. He poisons her mind and her true self. Maybe things have already changed by the time this reaches you. What you do in your time can affect this time but it’s random. All I know is I am the key in bringing about Khivar’s destruction but I cannot do it alone. I need the Four Square. Only then can we restore balance to Antar. I’m sorry that you have had to hear this in such a way, but like you thought before when you went back in time, there really was no other choice.

What you do, must be done quickly. Khivar has arranged marriage for Lexi to her half brother that he has raised since birth. You and Tess, in another timeline before you changed things, conceived a child. She tricked you and then defected in a plan brokered decades ago. I don’t know what has become of Tess in your timeline but beware. Lexi doesn’t know Kai is her half-brother. Please you must hurry. We have to stop the future.

Suddenly, the image of their son vanished before their eyes. Zan stood rooted to the spot, as still as stone. Liz felt her knees give way and she fell to the hard dusty ground. Zan and Max were both in some kind of trance-like state. Max tried to break free to move to his son and Liz but his body would not respond to his brain’s command.

Serena was on her way to the cave when she saw a flash of light and rushed in to investigate. “Liz, Zan, are you in here?” Upon entering the chamber, she saw the frozen bodies in front of her and the alien orb smashed on the ground at Zan’s feet. “Max, can you hear me?”

She could see him looking at her but unable to move or communicate in any way. His mind was perfectly clear filled with the information learned from the orb. My son didn’t die, I have a daughter with Liz. How is that possible? If Liz and I never created her in this timeline how could she exist in another? Why can't I move? I need to get to Zan and Liz.

“I’m going for help, Max. If you can hear me, I’ll be right back with some help.” Serena’s voice trailed off out the cave as she ran to get Michael.

Michael was the first to hear her shouting above him as she sprinted through the brush. Out of breath she said, “Something's happened to Liz, she’s unconscious and Max...Zan, they are in some sort of stasis, I don’t know.”

As Michael ran back up to the cave with Serena, she noticed upon entering that no one had moved an inch. Max moved his eyes watching the two of them. “Jesus, what happened?” Michael said as he ran to Liz crumpled on the floor, her eyes closed and her skin frightening pale. “Liz, come on…don’t do this to me…not after all we’ve been through,” he pleaded as he held her in his arms close to tears. Maria entered the cave followed by Jim. She knelt down next to Michael as Jim went to Max. Serena was checking on Zan.

Hearing Michael with Liz, seeing him hold her, he snapped. All the pent up jealousy and rage he felt towards Michael exploded. “How dare you?” Max wailed, “Get your hands off her. I am Zan’s father, not you. I love her, not you. You may have been there when he was born, been there for every milestone but, she’s mine. Liz belongs with me, not you. Get away from her…”

“Max,” Maria said as she stepped in front of him while Michael gently lay Liz back down on the ground.

“It’s okay, Maria. I knew this was coming. Let it go, babe. It needs to happen.” Michael stated very calmly never taking his eyes off Max who was now advancing on him in a blind fury.

“God, enough you two,” Liz said weakly coming out of whatever had happened to her.

Hearing her voice was enough to stop Max in his tracks. He turned to where she still lay on the ground and scooped her up in his arms and began to sob. “Oh God Liz, you’re alright. I’m so sorry. I just…Michael, I’m sorry. I just…”

“Forget it Maxwell. I get it. Believe me I get it.” Zan still showed no signs of moving. “Serena, let’s take them back to the house. Come on let’s all get out of here and get filled on what’s happened. I’m guessing it has something to do with this.” Michael bent down and poked at the remains of the shattered orb.

“Yeah, we need to talk to the others too. Call them.”

Max laid Zan down on the couch while Liz made the bed up. Max scanned his body for injury and found none but he remained unconscious. “The bed’s done. Move him in here.” As Max placed him under the covers, Liz sank to his side placing her hand on his head pushing his hair out of his eyes. “He needs a haircut. I should give him a haircut when he wakes up," she said aloud to no one but herself.

“Liz, he’s going to be fine. I checked him. He’ll wake up.” He sat next to her and took her other hand.

“I can’t do this anymore. I can’t. This doesn’t make any sense. How can we have a child somewhere…in time…on Antar when we haven’t been together the past ten years? I did what I was asked to do. I’ve always done what you asked. I kept your secret. I lied to my family and friends. I jumped off bridges for you, dodged bullets. I carried your son and walked away from my life…my dreams. And now what? We were wrong. I can’t do this. You know maybe what really would’ve changed the future Max and put an end to this chaos…is if you had just let me die the day I was shot. Has anyone ever thought that maybe that was my destiny because I sure as shit have. And maybe Max, just maybe you messed that up…maybe I’m part of the timeline that shouldn’t be here.” She was so exhausted physically and emotionally. She was so tired always trying to do the right thing, being responsible. She just wanted to disappear…disappear back into her humanity that was being swallowed up by the alien part of her now. She missed that small town girl with a small town view of the world. She wanted a moment of normal just to breathe and remember what it was like before the fate of the world was thrust on her shoulders. Just to breathe and fade away.

“Mommy, do you wish I weren’t born?”

The small quiet voice in her mind called out to her pulling her back from the downward spiral she was in. “Come here, baby.” How could she make him see? No matter what it was all worth it even in her darkest hours because of him. She opened her arms beckoning him forward. “No matter what, I will always be grateful you were born and everything you are and will be. You have brought so much to my life. I don’t ever wish you weren’t born…weren’t a part of my life. I am so blessed to have you; you are such a gift…a wonder. I am so sorry if I confused you or scared you just now. I just got so…I don’t know…angry maybe about the message from the Orb, the future. I lost control for a second. Do you understand? I love you, Zan. I will always love you.”

“Do I have a sister?” he said but this time speaking out loud.

“Zan, can I sit with you buddy? Let’s let your mom and dad talk and sort some stuff out and then they will tell you everything. Okay?” Michael said standing the doorway.

“Mommy, don’t be mad at daddy anymore. He’s sad again.”

“Baby, are you okay if we go outside and talk?”

“I’m just tired and kinda sore. You can go talk if you need to but I wanta know where my sister is?”

They walked out of the room to the back porch after kissing Zan and assuring him they’d be back soon. “Max, I am really…”

“No, it’s okay. I deserved it. I did all this to you. You have every right to feel this way.”

“Look I don’t want to lose it again. We both just need to stop it okay? Obviously our future selves didn’t know everything. That much is apparent. Maybe we have really messed up time if that’s even possible. Or at least messed up what we think of as linear time – past, present and future. All we really have is now. What are we gonna do? I mean, is Zan imprisoned somewhere on Antar? And Max, do we have a daughter? I know from Future Max that I miscarried when Zan was pretty young. I have thought about that baby so much over the years but I never knew it was a she.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Tell you what? That we had an amazing life together as a family. That we were pregnant again and I lost the baby in a life neither of us lived. Sometimes I wish I hadn’t been so belligerent with him…you…future you and then he probably wouldn’t have shown me so much more. I mean I always forced his hand.” Liz thought about all the questions she should’ve asked Future Max and didn’t for whatever reason. “Enough about that. How can it be possible for something that hasn’t happened now to be playing out in another time and place? I just can’t wrap my mind around the concept. Can you? How can we protect Zan from something that may have already happened?”

“Liz,” Max knelt down in front of her. He was so afraid of telling her exactly how he felt, what he wanted, what he really needed and what he thought she needed too. But if he’d learned anything over the past few days, he was not going to let this opportunity slip away if there was the slightest chance that he and Liz could love eachother again even for a day, a week or year. All of it could change in an instant. He reached out to her holding her face gently between his hands. “I don’t understand any of this either. I only know what I feel and what’s in my heart. I know I cannot go through another ten seconds much less ten years without telling you…I love you. I will always love you. I do not for one moment regret saving your life because the moment I did you saved mine. I told you that we create our own destiny…then let’s create it in the here and now... in this place, in this breath, in this time. I want my family, Liz. I want you and I want Zan. We both need to stop trying to control things. A future version of me and a future version of you made choices that are playing out for us right now. I’m sure they thought it was their only option; I’m sure they thought it for the best. But look at us…we are both paying for their choices. We are just two people. We aren’t perfect but I know we can figure this out. We have friends and family; we aren’t alone. You aren’t alone anymore Liz. I don’t want to be alone anymore. I don’t want you to think you have to carry this burden by yourself because after everything I’ve learned over the past day I can honestly say I know how you must feel. I want to see it all…everything…no hiding or blocking your memories to spare me guilt or grief or pain. I want…no, I need to share this with you. I want you Liz. I love you. Please stop shutting me and everyone else out. I need to know - do you still love me?”

Years of denying herself the possibility of loving him again, creating wall after wall around her heart welled up in her mind…because of you, because you loved this man an entire world was destroyed. She tried to silence it. “Max, I don’t know how to love you anymore. I just…”

He couldn’t accept that. He held her face tighter and forcefully leaned in to kiss her. He had to show her. He had to break her out of this prison that she’s condemned herself to.

The kiss was so full and furious. He knew this was his last chance to break through and convince her that they belonged together. Liz wanted this; he knew it and she needed it. He spoke to her in her mind while pouring every ounce of loving kindness he could into the kiss through their connection.

She could feel his warmth, his passion and above all else his love – undying and unwavering. It was searching through her body, her mind and her heart with the sole purpose of erasing any doubt within her. It was unstoppable. She couldn’t help but kiss him back. It had been so long since she had felt his lips, their passion. She felt like she was drowning. She felt tears spill from her eyes as he forced her to remember what it was like when he had first reversed the connection and let her see him, their first kiss, and the passion they felt when searching for the orb and waking up in eachothers’ arms. She was then overwhelmed by the next memory to wash over her – the night they had made love and conceived Zan. She couldn’t hold back anymore. She opened herself up fully to him showing him how much she loved him, how sorry she was for everything she had done to him. She let him see her fear, her anguish and her loneliness.

He pulled away to catch his breath overwhelmed by the rush of emotion from her. Feeling her completely for the first time open to him. He rested his forehead against hers and wiped the tears from her cheeks. “I love you Liz. We’ll figure this out together.”

[amy2344]

hi all, i know it has been way too long and i have been incommunicado. i don't even know what to say but after 6 months of not working - i got a job that is seriously kicking my ass and i am exhausted. i have been working a little over a month now. i have missed roswell so much. reading and writing. so of course since i have done neither it has invaded my dreams. and i must say that and knowing that there are people still out there interested has got me back in gear. i hope to continue writing now that i am over my initial shock of work at least once a week. thanks for your encouragement and feedback. enjoy.
best amy

Chapter 34

“So what happens now Max?” Liz asked looking deeply into his eyes. She felt life coursing through her veins. She felt so many things. She could see hope in his eyes and relief and promise. She had to battle with the dark voice that wanted to make her pull away from him…from this beautiful moment. “I’m scared, really scared. There is a part of me that isn’t right…that’s broken. I’ve never questioned my sanity before but I am truly afraid Max. I want this – I do but there’s this voice in my head, this darkness that is making me physically sick at the thought of putting you all in danger. I need you to know that I have created this thing…this monster inside me. I can’t promise you that I can control it. It’s had ten years to lay roots in my mind, in my heart and I don’t want to hurt you because of it…not anymore.”

Max pulled her closer reinforcing his intentions. “You saw what I almost did to Michael. I should be grateful to him for watching over you and Zan but instead I turned on him. I know we aren’t perfect. We’re a product of this situation but we can heal eachother. I want to help you Liz. Just promise me that if you feel yourself pulling away that you’ll talk to me…tell me. I worry that you’ll run again. I want to tell you not to but I’m not going to ask you to stay; I need you to stay because you want to be with me…be a family. As much as I want this I know it has to come from you.”

“I’ve been on my own for so long. You may not like the new me. I do want this Max. I know you saw it when we…connected.” She couldn’t help but smile remembering the kiss. “I know you could give me a thousand reasons for us to be together and I could give you a thousand reasons why we shouldn’t but I’m tired, so tired of trying to push this away. It’s bigger than I am and I don’t want to get lost or swallowed whole. I am not the greatest at asking for help just ask Serena. I want to know you again and I want you to know who and what I’ve become.” As much as she wanted to continue this, she knew they should start planning what to tell everyone. “But for now, what do we tell Zan about the message?” Liz snapped back into the role of tackling the task at hand.

Max ran his hand through his head not knowing how to proceed. “You said you’ve always been honest with him about everything so I think we should tell him the truth. At least tailor it to a ten year old.”

“If you haven’t noticed, he’s not a normal ten year old,” Liz couldn’t help but smile. He deserved to know his son. She couldn’t take back the past any longer and was beginning to wonder what right their future selves had over it anyway. “And what is the truth, Max, because I feel lost right now,” Liz said moving away from him to stand near the porch railing. The desert looked beautiful with the moon shining down. The vista in front of her looked so calm and serene – such a contrast to what she felt inside herself. She knew this was yet again another crossroads. Whatever choice she made…they made would ripple out carrying everyone with it. She closed her eyes tightly trying to gain control of the monster inside her, wanting to shirk responsibility just once so she could be at peace.

“We tell him that mommy and daddy love eachother and that we want to be a family.” Max smiled moving behind her still wondering if this was a dream. He immediately sensed her internal struggle and sighed into her trying to bestow some sense of calm.

She couldn’t help but lean into his body as he wrapped his arms around her. “You know what I mean. He doesn’t have a sister. Does he?”

Not yet, Max thought to himself. “I don’t know Liz. I just don’t know. And that’s what we tell him. If we can’t understand what is possible with time how can we explain it to him. I suppose there is a possibility in another lifetime we created another child – our daughter and she was taken and she is on Antar with a grown version of Zan. It blows my mind that we could be responsible for this. I need you to know that I don’t have any plan or even any idea where to start to fix this. But I can promise you that we will figure this out. We need to trust eachother. Let’s go see Zan. We will do the best we can; he’ll know that. Just spending the past few days with him Liz…God, he’s amazing. You have done such a great job with him. Thank you.”

Liz turned around in his arms to face him. “Will you kiss me again? I need to know…”

He leaned down slowly closing the distance maintaining eye contact with her until he gently brushed her lower lip with his. “Know what?”

“I need to know…you,” she whispered so faintly that he barely heard her. She closed her eyes feeling him surround her. It felt blissful. She pulled him closer and then moved her small hands to his face hesitating when she felt the raised skin of the puckered scar on his cheek. She brought her fingers to the sides of his mouth that were so sensuously loving her lips and traced the movement lightly. She wanted to feel everything. She felt his strength, his love, and his desire course through their connection. Without thinking her mind called out for more and he heard.

Max felt her fingers on his face tracing his lips as they kissed hers. He pulled back and took a finger into his mouth running his teeth the length of it and then his tongue. He could have sworn he heard her groan and then say ‘More’ but before he could respond she moved her mouth back to his. A low moan escaped his lips as she took control of the kiss now. Her hands moved to his hair and ran through it digging in deep. He felt her move her body harder against his as the intensity with which she was kissing him grew. “I need more. I want more.” He definitely heard her in his mind.

Liz felt flushed and hot. She felt like she was starving, hungering for more of him. It had been so long since her body had felt stimulated driven by this need. She was completely unaware that Max heard her thoughts. She felt him pull her closer, clutching her lower back pushing it towards him.

He knew they needed to tell the others. He knew they needed to talk with their son. These thoughts rushed through his mind and seeped into Liz. She pulled back. “Oh God…no.” She moved away from him slipping through his grasp. Tears rolled down her cheeks as her body began to convulse with silent sobs.

“Liz, what?” He moved towards her but didn’t reach out to her afraid he might scare her. “Please, tell me, talk to me.” Then it dawned on him that she had heard his thoughts.

“You’re right. We do need to talk to the others and Zan. How could I have forgotten Zan? I let myself slip for a second and I lost sight of what I should be doing…what’s important. This isn’t about what I want. It’s about doing what’s right. I’m sorry Max. I should have never let myself get carried away like that. We should…”

Before she could finish her thought, he grabbed her more forcefully than he intended. He was angry. Truly angry at what this whole mess had done to Liz. What his future self had asked her to become – selfless. Taking her face in his hands and forcing her to look up at him he said, “You deserve to feel. You have every right to. I need you to listen to me. I will not allow you to martyr yourself one second longer. You have done nothing wrong. I felt you Liz. That’s the first time you have allowed yourself any happiness, any desire since that night we were in Frazier Woods. You've pretended your body was dead. Everything you have done has been for everyone else…Zan, me…the whole god damned world. It was okay for you to forget, to just be for a moment with me. Are you listening to me? Do you understand? When I said I want this, I want all of it Liz. I want all of you. I want you in every sense of the word. In a few short days we have already started to hear eachothers’ thoughts. You can’t hide from me anymore.”

He leaned in to kiss her with the same force he was still gripping her face with. But before he could cover the distance he saw her chewing her bottom lip and tears still falling down her cheeks. “Liz,” he whispered pulling her ever so gently into his arms. “Oh God, Liz, just let it go. I love you so much. It’s okay to just cry.”

And she did. She wasn’t sure for how long but she knew he never lessened the embrace. He said nothing. She felt with ever tear the monster inside her slipped beneath the surface a little bit more…slowly drowning in a salty sea.[/b]