Author's Note: Hi everyone! I've decided to split Part 9 into two because it is getting ridiculously long, if I don't it will be at least until the end of the weekend before I get this updated, and I think you've all waited long enough. Enjoy!
Kath
Part 9 - Section A
~Max~
Half of me still wants to kill Isabel, the other half is way too distracted by Liz’s proximity to even care about my sister’s evil machinations. The problem with this whole scenario is that Isabel didn’t exactly think it through. The reason I haven’t really made a huge effort to track Liz down is that I don’t know how to start this conversation. Actually sitting in a cab with her does not resolve this dilemma.
She’s here. I’m here. The cabbie’s here. We have a half an hour car ride ahead of us, and I’m completely mute.
Sure, Isabel’s theory that Liz thinks she is staying away from me for my own good is a nice one. However, as she herself has admitted, dreamwalking is not exactly a hard science. She may have totally misinterpreted what she saw. Not to mention, if I bring it up, Liz is going to know that my sister has been walking through her head, and that isn’t necessarily something I want her to know.
It’s hard enough dealing with human women. The last thing I need is for Liz be freaked out that nothing between us will ever be private because my sister can spy on her innermost thoughts whenever she wants to.
Check. No mention of the dreamwalk. And I should also remember to tell Isabel to stay out of Liz’s head from now on.
Of course, no dreamwalk mention also means no Tess mention.
Oh, wait. I can mention Tess. I saw them together. Okay, I have a way in.
Liz is sitting stiffly next to me, staring out the window. I can see that she is not at all happy to be in this cab with me, and it ties my tongue a moment longer. Finally, when I can’t take the silence any longer, I just blurt out, "So, Kyle?"
Because Kyle leads logically to Tess. Kyle has nothing to do with Tess. Nothing at all. But we all know what I really want information about, don’t we? Apparently my brain doesn’t, and therefore my jealous heart has taken over.
Liz sighs heavily. "Yeah, he’s visiting."
"That’s nice."
Liz looks at me quizzically. "It is?"
"Sure. I mean, if you want him here."
"He kind of invited himself," Liz explains. There’s a long pause. She’s staring at me in a very strange way. What on Earth is she thinking? Why the hell do I have these completely useless healing powers rather than the gift of reading a girl’s - oh, heck, I’d settle for Liz’s - mind?
"You seemed happy to see him though," I say, mentally kicking myself immediately. That didn’t sound at all jealous. Right, Max. Keep telling yourself that.
"Yeah," Liz replies. "I am." She glances away. "More than I thought I’d be. I missed him."
Well, that shuts me up. I don’t even know what to say to that. She sounds sad though. I wonder if she’s worried about how to tell me that they’re getting back together. That she feels bad. I wonder why I feel bad that she might feel bad. I mean, it’s my heart she’s breaking. Shouldn’t I want her to feel bad?
You’d think. Apparently I don’t. "It’s okay, Liz. I mean, if you’re getting back together or something…"
She raises her hands and rubs them across her eyes. She actually looks like she’s about to cry. It makes me feel even worse. "We’re not," she finally manages to choke out.
"He doesn’t want to?" I feel outraged in spite of myself. What is wrong with Kyle Valenti? Is he insane?
"I don’t know," Liz whispers. "He might. I don’t."
Oh. Okay, what? I admit it. Now I’m just totally confused. And my outrage at Kyle starts to turn into anger at Liz. Why can’t she just give me a straight answer? How hard is it? All I know is that I want her to look at me, and I want her to damn well tell me what’s wrong with her, and why she’s been avoiding me.
"Liz, look at me." My voice is hard and insistent. She does, surprised. Actually, I’m a little surprised myself. I’ve only ever used that tone on Michael or Isabel. But at least it worked. She’s looking at me.
Okay, so she’s looking. Of course, I still have no idea how to make her talk to me.
So, in a totally uncharacteristic move, I start to babble. And it’s all bad. I sound whiny, even to myself.
"Just tell me. Can’t you just tell me what’s wrong? I know it has something to do with Tess. I don’t understand what it could possibly have to do with her, but I know it does. So just tell me. I don’t care what it is. I just need to know what the hell is going on."
Well, so much for bringing up Tess in a round-about way. But Liz knows I saw them together at the library, and she obviously doesn’t think it’s that weird, because she doesn’t comment on the random mention of my resident advisor.
All she says is, "Max, I can’t."
"Why? Why can’t you? A month ago you told me pretty much everything there is to know about you. What changed?" I’m really angry now. It just isn’t fair! Why can’t she just be straight with me? Just tell me that she doesn’t want to be with me? I mean, I won’t even be that shocked. I knew this was all too good to be true. I just want to know for sure.
I feel all my anger drain out of me when her small hand suddenly lays itself on top of mine, which is clenched on my thigh. "I’m sorry," she whispers.
"For what?" I demand. I grab her hand before she can move it away. I see the cabbie glance at us in the rear-view mirror, and I lower my voice. "Liz, what is it?"
"Max, you have to talk to Tess. That’s all I can say. I can’t tell you anything."
It’s only when she opens the door that I realize that we’re at a red light. "Liz!"
She throws a twenty in my direction, pulling her hand away. "I’m sorry. I just can’t. I can’t do this. I’m going to take the subway. I’m sorry, Max."
Before I even have a chance to say another word, she’s gone.
***
Well, that went well.
I’m sure you can decipher my sarcasm. That was quite possibly the most useless conversation of my entire life. Except for the fact that at least it was with Liz. Which is just sad. Because I was talking to Liz, it makes the fact that I am still completely at a loss as to what is wrong with her almost bearable.
I am beyond help. It’s actually even beyond embarrassing now.
And, anyway, it’s not entirely true that I learned nothing. I did find out that whatever is going on with Liz is definitely about Tess. Which means that I have to do what Liz said. I have to talk to Tess.
I finally get back to the dorm and I go to my room first, to check my voicemail. I’m hoping that Izzy left me a message as to where she and Michael have absconded to with Kyle. In spite of my general frustration over Liz’s reticence in the cab, it was also pretty clear that, although she’s happy to see Kyle, she’s not planning to get back together with him, so I decide there’s no point in stewing about it anymore. We might as well give him back to Liz.
Plus, I want Michael to come with me to talk to Tess. I’ll probably have him wait in the hall first, but I want him there to get his take on her.
Isabel has indeed left a message. They’re in the cafeteria having lunch. Kyle is sitting with them, still looking a little shell-shocked. I can’t blame him. I know for a fact that Isabel rarely spoke to him in high school, even though they moved in the same social circles, mainly because of her fear of his father.
But it’s not Kyle who keeps my attention. It’s the other person sitting with the three of them that instantly makes me tense.
It’s Sean, my irritating roommate. Great. Because I so love dealing with him. Much to my joy he’s made himself scarce lately. I think he has a new girlfriend, because he hasn’t been sleeping in our room for about a week now. As I walk up to the group, I examine him suspiciously. It’s then that I notice that he looks bad. In fact, he looks like hell. Like possibly he hasn’t been sleeping in our room for a week because he hasn’t been sleeping at all.
"Here’s the man now," Sean says as I walk up. I look at Isabel, my eyebrows raised. She looks mildly embarrassed and looks away. Okay, what is that about? "We were just talking about you, Evans."
"Good things I hope," I reply mildly, although I can feel my annoyance increasing.
"Now, what could we possibly say about you that would be construed as negative?" Sean asks, a small edge to his voice. Am I the only one who notices this? That this guy sometimes talks to me like he hates me?
"We were just talking about how much college has changed you," Isabel intervenes, her tone indicating that I should let the matter go. I look at Michael, who just shrugs. He has a slight scowl on his face.
This is all very strange. But, I decide to let it drop. It’s not like I can grill my sister in front of Sean and Kyle. We can discuss whatever this weirdness is later.
"Is Liz back?" Kyle asks, interrupting the awkward silence that has sprung up.
"I don’t know," I tell him honestly. Isabel looks at me sharply, but I keep my expression neutral. "She took the subway."
"Why?" Kyle demands.
"She wanted to," I reply. "I don’t know why." If Liz hasn’t told Kyle anything about our relationship - well, what might have once been construed as a relationship, but basically is now a disaster - then it’s not my place to elaborate.
Kyle stands up. "I guess I’ll go see if she’s in her room." He shoves his hands in his pockets. "It was nice seeing you guys." I can tell that this is about the furthest thing from the truth Kyle Valenti has ever uttered, but we all politely agree, and then watch in silence as he leaves the cafeteria.
"I’m off too," Sean says, pushing back from the table. "Do you think you can stay out for a while, Evans? I need to crash hard. Too much studying," he adds, grinning at Isabel. She blushes slightly, which makes me frown.
Okay, this is just plain weird. As of earlier today, Isabel couldn’t stand Sean. Has she gone insane?
"Sure," I agree. "We’re taking Michael sight-seeing anyway."
"Nice meeting you," Sean says to Michael. Michael merely grunts, his gaze never leaving Isabel’s face.
Sean walks out and my sister, my best friend, and I sit eyeing each other.
Unsurprisingly, it’s Isabel who cracks first. Because she’s the most nosy and she wants to know if her Machiavellian machinations have worked. "So?" she demands, looking at me.
"So?" I reply, just to irritate her, because I know I’m going to tell her, but she blushed at Sean Covington, and I’m annoyed at her.
Michael slams his fist down on the table, making both of us jump, and causing some girls sitting at the next table to stare at us.
"Michael!" Isabel and I both exclaim in unison.
"Let’s cut the crap here, people," Michael says, lowering his voice. He sounds urgent and worried and extremely put out all at the same time. "What in hell’s name is going on with you two? You’re both acting like maniacs."
"I have no idea what you’re talking about," Isabel states. "Max is the one who has completely lost control of Liz Parker."
"Is Maxwell the one flirting with cheeseball gigolos?" Michael demands. He looks at me. "Man, you were right. That guy is a piece of work."
"What was he doing sitting with you anyway?" I ask Isabel, because I am presently more concerned about her strange behavior than I am about Liz.
I said presently, people. My entire life does not revolve around Liz Parker, although it mostly does. I also worry about Isabel, you know.
Isabel raises her hands dramatically. "How should I know? He came over. What? I was supposed to tell him to buzz off?"
"Isabel, since when have you ever had to be that direct?" Michael asks. "The freeze-out would have worked just fine."
"Kyle was here anyway," Isabel exclaims. "We had to be casual. Who cares?"
"You don’t think Alex will care?" I ask. "There was a vibe at this table that I didn’t like."
"A vibe?" Isabel demands. "A vibe? I think you’re both insane."
We both stare at her for such a long, charged moment, she wilts slightly and sighs, "Okay, fine. I felt bad for him. He’s in my history seminar and he hasn’t been around lately. I mean, you guys, he looks like hell. Something’s not right with that guy."
"Since when is Sean Covington your concern?" I ask. "Isabel, he’s a complete ass."
"I know!" she exclaims. "Can we just let it go?"
I look at her suspiciously.
It’s Michael who decides to let the matter drop though. "Whatever. He’s a waste of space. There’s something about him I hate." Michael says this as though it’s nothing new, which it isn’t. This is, after all, Michael. "Moving on…" He turns on me next. "Okay, so what happened with Parker?"
"She didn’t say much," I admit, feeling another pang at how distant Liz has become. "Like I said, she got out and took the subway."
"Oh, Max." Isabel sounds sympathetic and it puts me back into charity with my sister. But it also makes me want to break down and cry like a little girl, so I scowl at her instead.
"It’s not that big a deal," I say firmly. I look at Michael again. "She did mention Tess though. There’s something weird going on with them."
Michael narrows his eyes thoughtfully. "Interesting."
"Tess?" Isabel demands, looking from me, to Michael, and back again. "Okay, what are you two keeping from me?"
Michael and I exchange a look. Since our conversation earlier, where Isabel made it clear that she is not planning to make Liz’s life a living hell because she’s not pursuing things with me, I’ve been thinking about actually involving Iz in what Michael and I are investigating. It’s obvious we can’t keep her out of it now anyway, and we also need her, so I say, "Michael’s not just here to visit, Iz."
Isabel looks at him. "Well?" she asks.
"Maxwell thinks that Tess girl is off somehow," Michael explains.
Isabel looks at me. "You do? Since when? And why didn’t you tell me this?"
"Because I didn’t want you to go off half-cocked on her, Isabel," I reply. "I already know you don’t like her. If I had told you that I think she hypnotized me or something…"
"She did what?" Isabel almost screeches, causing our neighbours to look over again. Isabel glares at them and they look away quickly. Some things never change.
"I don’t know!" I exclaim. "I think she did something to me at the party."
Isabel glowers at me, so I finally just admit, "I don’t know what to think about her, okay? I might have been imagining things. I had other things on my mind that night, after all. All I know is that Michael can be more impartial about these things than you can."
"Are you calling me judgmental?" Isabel asks, laughing in disbelief. "You’re calling me more judgmental than Michael?"
"When it comes to people you dislike, yes," I answer.
Isabel continues to scowl, but she obviously decides that I’m quite possibly right because she says, "I don’t dislike Tess."
"You could have fooled me," I tell her.
"It’s not that I dislike her," Isabel insists. She sighs heavily. "Max, why didn’t you just tell me this? I think there’s something weird about her too."
"What do you mean?" Michael asks.
"I don’t know," Isabel replies. "It’s just…when I met her…" She trails off, sighing again. "I can’t explain it really. I felt like I knew her." She looks down, then says in a small voice, "It was kind of like…" She grimaces, stopping abruptly.
"Kind of like what, Isabel?" Michael demands.
"It was like when I met you for the first time," Isabel finally says in a rush. "It took me like weeks to figure out what was so familiar about her, and it finally came to me when we were at home and saw you again. It’s not that I dislike her. It’s that I feel like there’s something I should know about her, and I can’t put my finger on it. I don’t know if I think she’s one of us…"
Michael and I are both staring at Isabel in amazement. I must admit, I’m freaked out by what she has said. That she too suspects Tess might be one of us. Because it’s just huge, and so not something I want to deal with right now.
"But she might be," Michael finishes for her. He runs his hands through his hair, his concern obvious. "Crap. Well, this is just great!"
"Isn’t it?" Isabel asks in a small voice. "I mean…"
"We all feel like it isn’t," Michael snaps, interrupting her. "That has to mean something, Isabel. I mean, you didn’t tell us. You obviously don’t want it to be true."
"How can we know for sure without asking her?" I ask after we’ve all sat there in silence for several long moments. I look at Isabel questioningly. I’ve already thought about asking her to dreamwalk Tess to see what’s going on with her and Liz. This is even more huge than that.
But if none of us really want to know…Maybe we should just let it go entirely.
"I’ve already tried," Isabel admits. "Twice. Because of what I saw in Liz’s dream. But before that too - right after I met her. I couldn’t get in."
"I need to meet this chick," Michael states firmly. "Now. If I get something weird off of her too, then we’re going to have to figure out what we’re going to do about it."
Isabel and I look at each other worriedly. "Do about it?" Isabel finally asks.
"Well, we can’t just do nothing!" Michael tells her. "If she’s one of us, we need to figure out what that means."
Isabel is twisting her hands in her lap. I can tell that there’s more to why she never brought her suspicions about Tess to light before now. I think I know what it is, and I can also tell that she is trying to work up the courage to admit to her real feelings about this.
"Michael…" She wrinkles her nose, pausing, then finally says quickly, "I don’t know if I want to know what it means."
"What?" Michael demands.
"I…I’m scared," she admits. She looks at me for support. "I like my life. I don’t want things to change."
I think we both expect Michael to explode, but he doesn’t. Instead he is quiet for a moment, then says, very softly, "Iz, I know. But if she’s one of us…"
"She might need us," I finish for him. The fact that it’s Michael who thought of this, and not me or Isabel, is humbling. And it also shows how much he’s changed lately. I think I know just who to thank for it too. That would be one Maria Deluca back in Roswell. Because if this isn’t all about getting home to Michael anymore - if this is about Tess and not him - then he really has changed.
"And maybe nothing needs to change," Michael adds. "But we need to know."
Isabel has tears in her eyes when she says, "Okay. Go talk to her."
"You’re not coming?" I ask Isabel, surprised.
"I can’t, Max. I have to go meet Alex. We’re cooking dinner at my dorm, remember?" When I stare at her in consternation, she glares at me, momentarily forgetting Tess entirely. "Thanksgiving dinner, Max? Tonight?"
"You didn’t tell me about this," I insist. I’m almost positive she didn’t. After all, I’ve been avoiding her for the better part of three weeks. She definitely didn’t tell me - or if she did, I didn’t get the message.
"Yes, I did!" Isabel exclaims. "What? You thought that I’d have Michael here and not cook a turkey? You probably erased it when you deleted all my messages. And don’t think I don’t know you did that! This is what you get for ignoring me."
"Isabel, we don’t need turkey," Michael interrupts. He is frowning, looking worried. "You aren’t going to try to make cranberry sauce from scratch again, are you?"
"Michael, I’m good at making turkey!" Isabel says, sounding offended.
"Isabel, was I, or was I not at Thanksgiving at your house last year? You are not good at making turkey!"
"Just because you know how to grill a hamburger, Michael…"
I’m not listening to their abrupt argument though. I’m thinking about the fact that Isabel and Alex are hosting the dinner. "What about Liz?" I demand. "Is she going to be there?"
Isabel looks at me. "I don’t know. Probably not. I mean, she has Kyle here."
"What? And Kyle can’t come to?" I ask.
"Max, please. I’m sure Liz isn’t coming," Isabel says, sounding long-suffering. "Even if Alex invited her, she won’t show. She’s avoiding you, remember?" Well, that wasn’t at all brutal. I hate how my sister can be warm and sympathetic one minute, and totally blunt the next.
Isabel looks at me. "And don’t you want her to come? I mean, it’s Liz."
"It’s not that I don’t want her to come," I say glumly. "It’s that I don’t want to know that she was invited and she’s not coming because I’m going to be there."
"I’m sure it will be fine," Isabel soothes. "I mean, aren’t you going to talk to Tess about this? Who knows? Maybe it will all be worked out by dinnertime anyway." I can tell she’s hardly concerned though. She has visions of turkeys and potatoes dancing through her head at the moment. When my sister focuses on a holiday, she focuses.
"C’mon, Maxwell," Michael says, getting to his feet. "We’ve lost the Thanksgiving Nazi for now. Let’s go check out this Tess chick and see what all the fuss is about."
I follow, completely certain that Isabel is wrong. This isn’t all going to be resolved as easily as one conversation with Tess.
But, what the hell? It’s not like I have anything else to lose at this point. I’ve already lost Liz. I might as well make Michael happy and resolve the mystery of Tess Harding before dinnertime.
I am Not Felicity (AU,M/L,WA/TEEN) Part 10 - July 16 [WIP]
Moderators: Anniepoo98, ISLANDGIRL5, truelovepooh, Forum Moderators
Author's Note: Hi everyone! Sorry it's taken so long to update this. This is what happens when you have too many stories on the go. 
Anyway, I'm back.
If you know Felicity Season 1, then you sort of know why what happens in this chapter happens. I have been trying to fit various events of that show into this one, which is why what happens happens. If you don't know Felicity, don't worry. This is all heading somewhere. I promise.
Part 9 - Section B
~Max~
Several minutes later, Michael and I are standing in front of Tess’s door, which is open. I look at Michael. "Are you ready?"
"As I’ll ever be," he replies with a shrug. I can’t tell if he’s curious, or excited, or just dreading this as much as I am. His expression, as per usual, is mostly blank. It’s his defense mechanism in situations he doesn’t understand.
I’m not sure why I’m not looking forward to talking to Tess. I mean, it’s not like I have anything against her. I like her. Liz implied that she would be able to give me all the answers I want about Liz’s strange behavior. And, yet, I’m nervous. Somehow I have a feeling that whatever goes down with Tess today is going to change everything. I guess I’m more like Isabel than I’ve ever realized. I don’t want things to change. I have always been more curious about our heritage than my sister, although never to the degree of Michael. But, now, even though things presently suck between me and Liz, I know for sure that I don’t want my life to be different. The fact that Liz liked me, even for a little while…It changed how I feel about myself.
I like who I am. I don’t want to find out that who I am is not who I’m supposed to be. For some reason, I have a feeling that if I ever do find out why we were sent to Earth, who I am supposed to be is going to trump who I think I am now. But I don’t want it to. Does that make any sense?
But, whatever. I have no choice anyway. Liz has made it clear that it is Tess I need to talk to, and so to Tess I shall talk. Because I’m not giving up on Liz without a fight. I refuse. Not when I’ve had a taste of what it might be like to be with her.
Anyway, there’s no turning back now, because Tess has heard our voices and she’s appeared at the door. She has her coat over her arm, and is obviously on her way out. She seems surprised to see me, but does visibly brighten, which makes me even more nervous. "Hi, Max!"
She glances at Michael and I quickly introduce him.
"Hey," he says, then lapses back into silence. He is starting at her intently, and I see her shift uncomfortably.
"What’s up?" Tess asks, turning her attention back to me, to avoid Michael’s penetrating gaze. I would nudge him to get him to quit it, but that would draw even more attention to what he is doing. He is, quite possibly, the worst detective ever.
"Um…" Great. Now that I’m here, I realize I have no idea how to broach the subject. What do I say? "Liz told me that you could tell me why she’s avoiding me." No, a little too abrupt. Plus, kind of rude, since I’ve barely seen Tess since I’ve been back. "I just wanted to drop in and say hi, and introduce you to Michael, before you go home for the holiday."
"Oh, I’m not going anywhere," Tess replies. She rolls her eyes. "My brother’s here visiting." She lifts her jacket. "I’m taking him sight-seeing."
Michael and I exchange a glance at this. Because, if she is one of us, what does that make her brother? One of us too? Or is this a clue that Michael, Isabel, and I are all crazy, and Tess is completely normal?
"You sound thrilled," Michael says. He’s being sarcastic, of course, because she actually sounds the complete opposite of thrilled.
"He’s just kind of a grump," Tess admits. She is glancing past us. "He’s in the common room. C’mon, I’ll introduce you."
Michael and I look at each other again. He shrugs, shaking his head. I’m not sure if he’s telling me that he doesn’t think she’s an alien, or if he’s telling me she is, or if he’s telling me nothing at all, so I scowl at him.
When Tess looks back and asks, "Are you coming?" we have no choice but to follow her down the hall, because I haven’t had a chance to ask her anything about Liz yet.
Tess’s brother is at the pool table in the common room, shooting a game with, of all people, Kyle Valenti. Michael snorts beside me. I don’t blame him. Could life get any weirder? Seriously.
"Eddie?" The blond guy looks up from his shot, takes in Tess, then me and Michael, and frowns slightly.
"Are you ready?" he asks. He then leans over and takes his shot, which clears the table.
"Jeez," Kyle mutters, shaking his head. "Good shot, man." He looks at me and Michael, and nods, although he clearly isn’t thrilled to see us again.
"Thanks," Eddie replies, placing his cue on the table. "Tessie, this is Kyle."
"Nice to meet you, Kyle," Tess says. She nods towards me and Michael. "This is Max. You know the one I told you about?" This surprises me. She’s told her brother about me? "And his friend, Michael." She tries to introduce us to Kyle, but we explain that we, in fact, already know each other. Nor can we seem to escape each other today. Considering this is such a huge dorm, not to mention city, one would think that it might be a bit easier to do so.
"Hey," Eddie says, sounding a bit surly. Tess was apparently right. This guy does seem to be a little cranky. Because, after his cursory "hey," he proceeds to ignore us. "Kyle’s coming with us."
I look at Kyle in surprise. "Where’s Liz?"
Kyle shrugs, sighing. "She called me on my cell. She’s been held up somewhere. She told me to go out and look around and she’ll meet me back here in a few hours."
Okay, this is not good. Actually, it causes a knot to form in my stomach. I’m really worried about Liz now. This is totally out of character for her, to dump Kyle like this. I mean, he’s come to New York to visit her. She’s expecting him to show himself around?
Kyle doesn’t seem that upset about it though. He is presently staring at Tess, his mouth hanging open slightly. He seems a little hypnotized by her, in fact. Not that I blame him. She is, after all, very pretty. I mean, compared to Liz, no, but, compared to most other girls, definitely.
"That’s okay," Tess says, smiling at Kyle. "You can come with us. We’re going to Times Square and some of the other big sights."
I frown. Clearly this is not the time to talk to Tess. She is obviously distracted by her brother’s presence, and by the idea of playing tour guide. Great. I know that I can’t wait until tomorrow to have a conversation with her. I just can’t. I’ve been miserable and in the dark for over three weeks. I can’t take it anymore. It has to be today.
I grab her by the arm as she turns to leave. "Tess?"
"Yeah?" she says, glancing down at where my hand is holding her loosely. I drop her arm quickly. When she looks up, she is blushing slightly. It is becoming ever clearer that Liz was more than right when she told me ages ago that Tess likes me. I can’t deny it any longer. Which only makes things more complicated. And which is only going to make the conversation about Liz that much more awkward.
"What are you and Eddie doing for dinner tonight?" I ask, shoving my hands in my pockets.
"Nothing," she replies.
"Do you want to come to Isabel’s? She’s cooking a turkey."
She smiles brightly. "We’d love to. Columbia, right?"
"Yeah." I give her Isabel’s address, and she jots it down on a scrap of paper she pulls out of her purse.
"Cool." She seems really pleased. It makes me feel…weird. There is no other word to describe it. I’m not pleased, exactly, but, on the other hand, I’m happy that she’s so happy. I like Tess. I’ve missed her over the past few weeks.
"Hey, aren’t Liz and me going there too?" Kyle demands, from near the door.
I shrug. "I think so," I tell him. Tess’s expression dims slightly when she hears this. "Alex is hosting too."
"Maybe I’ll just run up and leave a note on her door telling her I’ll meet her there." Kyle looks at Tess. "It makes sense. That way we’ll have more time."
"Sure," Tess says. "We can stop upstairs first."
With that, the three of them leave, but not before Tess says a soft, "Bye, Max," that sends an even clearer message than her blush of a few minutes ago.
I am in so much trouble.
After they’re gone, I collapse into one of the overstuffed chairs near the T.V. Michael throws himself down on a couch across from me.
"So?" I ask, fixing him with a penetrating stare. What I want, more than anything, is for him to tell me that he thinks Tess is totally normal, and that Isabel and I are both imagining things - that she’s just a regular girl, with, for some reason, a crush on me, and it’s nothing more than that.
His expression, however, is not reassuring. Finally, he says, "To be honest, I’m not sure."
"You’re not sure that she’s one of us, or the opposite?"
"Either. There’s definitely something weird about her. I know what Izzy means." He frowns. "But it feels different than what I feel around you guys." He shakes his head. "I’m just not sure, Maxwell. Maybe if I talk to her longer or something…"
"Well, I guess you’re going to get your chance," I say, sighing. "Because she’s coming to dinner."
And, apparently, so is Liz. And Kyle. And Tess’s weird brother. This is just shaping up to be a winner of a day, all around.
"We’ll figure this out, Maximillian," Michael says seriously. "I promise."
I meet his eyes, and, for the first time, in a long while - quite possibly since we started high school and my crush on Liz got completely out of control actually - I feel an understanding develop between me and my best friend. For the first time in a long time, he isn’t pissed off at me for wanting to be more human, or for wanting to be with Liz. He actually seems to get it.
Remind me to call Maria and thank her later. That girl is a miracle worker.
"Thanks, Michael. I’m glad you’re here."
"Hey, man. I’m always here."
And, really, he always has been.
"I know."
We have stopped looking at each other, because this is getting a bit mushy, and, after all, we are still guys. We’re aliens, sure, but we’re also guys.
"Wanna go shoot some pool?" he asks gruffly, standing up abruptly.
"Sure."
And, that, for the moment, is that.
***
Michael and I pretty much just hang out at MU until it’s time to leave for Columbia, because Michael isn’t really the sight-seeing type (although I’m sure Izzy will haul him around the city tomorrow). Alex is pacing in front of Izzy’s dorm as we walk up, and it is clear that he is waiting for us, because he stops it as soon as he catches sight of me.
"Liz brought Sean," he says abruptly, not even bothering to say hello.
I stare at him blankly, not sure that I am presently understanding English. "What?"
"I’m not kidding," Alex replies grimly. "I think she’s gone insane."
There is a long pause as I digest this. "Did she say anything?" I finally ask, when I realize that both Alex and Michael are staring at me waiting for a reaction.
"No," Alex tells me. "She just showed up with him like it was perfectly normal. I tried to corner her, but she’s not willing to be cornered."
I have absolutely nothing to say. I mean, what is there to say? Liz has brought Sean to Thanksgiving dinner at my sister’s. I hate Sean. She knows this. I have never flat-out said this to anyone, but please. Liz knows. She could not have possibly done anything more blatantly designed to demonstrate that, as far as she is concerned, whatever it was that was developing between us is no longer developing.
Okay, this is now officially the worst Thanksgiving ever.
As we emerge from the elevator on Isabel’s floor, we are met by our hostess, who is waiting for it, a bowl of potatoes in her hands. "Just going downstairs to heat these up in the microwave there," my sister says breathlessly, pushing past us. "The one up here is busted."
"Need help?" Alex asks.
"No," Isabel calls. "Go be a host. Everyone’s in the common room."
Alex makes a bee-line down the hall, Michael and I trailing behind.
"It’s like they’re an old married couple," Michael mutters, sounding a little amazed.
"He’s good for her," I reply under my breath, glad to be distracted from the impending horror that will be the sight of Sean Covington at my sister’s Thanksgiving dinner. "She needs someone steady like him."
"Yeah, but it’s weird," Michael says. He pauses, then adds thoughtfully, "Not in a bad way though."
I don’t have time to say anything else, because we’ve entered the common room, and I am confronted by Liz and her various boyfriends. Tess is there too, and her brother, but I don’t really notice. It seems almost pointless to try to talk to Tess now. I mean, Liz has made her intentions clear. She is done with me. Why bother embarrassing myself by trying to have a sure to be awkward conversation with Tess? Particularly as I still have no idea why she might be the one who could give me any insight into Liz.
Maybe Alex is right. Maybe Liz Parker is insane. Maybe it’s time for me just to accept it and move on.
There is a moment of uncomfortable silence as we all stand around staring at each other. Finally, Alex, remembering that he is supposed to be the host, starts to make introductions, although I think by his point we all know each other. He then leaves to get drinks.
I sit stiffly in a chair, forcing myself not to look directly at anyone. This is the last place on the planet I want to be at the moment. The two people I least want to accidentally exchange any sort of glance with are Liz and Sean. Her, because I’m scared to see the finality of what she has told me by bringing Sean here written on her face, and him because I know he’ll be smirking.
God, I freaking hate him. I can feel rage beginning to run through my veins. Why is this happening? Why has Liz turned away from me? What did I do? And why did she run to him again, of all people? Why is he here? What is she trying to do to me?
I am about to lose it. I can feel it. It is like I am outside of my own body watching everyone around me engage in stilted small talk. Tess is telling some story about how Kyle got lost in the subway, and everyone is laughing, and all I want to do is scream at the top of my lungs.
I get up, and leave the room. As simple as that. If I don’t, I just know that I am going to start yelling. It is not a pleasant feeling, because I never lose my temper. Okay, fine, Isabel and Michael have pissed me off sometimes, but it has never felt like this.
I head straight for the men’s room. I pass Isabel on the way. She apparently notices the tight control I am exerting over my emotions, because she tries to stop me. "Max, what’s wr…"
I walk right past her, and slam into the men’s room, breathing hard. I brace my hands on one of the sinks, and find myself staring at my reflection. I realize that I look scary. My cheeks are all red, and my eyes are a little wild.
Okay, maybe Liz isn’t the insane one. If a crazy person needed to be picked out of a line-up, I fit the bill quite nicely.
This is what she is doing to me. I am not an emotional person. I am usually a calm, collected person. I am the person who reins in the emotional ones. Haven’t I had years of practice with Isabel and Michael?
I turn on the taps, throw water at my face. Stop thinking about her, I order myself. She clearly isn’t thinking about you.
A soft knock sounds on the bathroom door. I turn my head abruptly, ready to glare at the person who is planning to come through the door. Because it is starting to open, and, moments later, Tess’s blonde head appears.
For some reason I don’t scowl at her. Instead I turn back to the sink, and scrub more water across my face.
It doesn’t help. The anger is still coursing through my veins.
"Max? Are you okay?" Tess asks quietly. I feel her small hand on my shoulder.
"No," I mutter, not turning to look at her.
"I’m sorry," she says.
"Why are you apologizing?" I ask, standing up abruptly. "You didn’t do anything."
There is a long pause. I finally look at her, and she is biting her lip. I can almost see her trying to figure out what to say to make me feel better. She looks pretty, and open, and far more than that, she looks like she actually wants to be here with me.
A vision of Liz hopping out of the cab earlier today runs through my mind. The person I want to be with clearly doesn’t want the same thing. All she has done is run away from me, and she won’t even tell me why. But Tess does want me. I mean, she could not have made that more clear if she tried. And now I can actually see it, because I’m looking for it. Before I was too blinded by my obsession with Liz, but, now that I am so furious at her, it’s as plain as day.
I stand there, staring at Tess, finding myself getting lost in her blue, blue eyes. It is hypnotizing, the expression in them - the longing, the desire. Everything I want to see in Liz’s dark eyes is staring back at me out of the face of the wrong girl.
I know she is still the wrong girl. I just don’t feel for Tess what I do for Liz, even though I’m presently furious at her. It’s sad, but true.
And, yet, Tess is moving towards me and I am not moving away. Again, it’s like I’m outside of myself. I feel like I’m in some kind of weird dream. I open my mouth slightly, willing myself to tell her to stop, but I can’t do it.
"Max," Tess whispers. She reaches up, placing her hands on my cheeks, pulling my face down towards her. And, suddenly, before I know it, we are kissing.
It is my first kiss, ever, and it is with the wrong girl. And, yet, I still don’t stop it. I let it continue, and I feel my heart freeze over. Because it feels better than the guilt that is trying to course through me. Because while I might not be betraying Liz, because she apparently doesn’t care, I am betraying myself by allowing this kiss to happen.
What ends it, of course, is the worst possible thing that could happen.
The door to the bathroom swings open. Tess and I jump apart and I find myself staring at Liz, who is staring back, her mouth hanging open.
Liz blinks, glances at the sign on the door, then says quickly, "Sorry! I thought this was the ladies…" She doesn’t finish though. Instead she lets the door swing shut again.
I do not move. I am completely frozen. Instead, I just close my eyes, letting out a long sigh.
Because, just like that, it is actually, truly, completely over with Liz, and I know that there is no turning back.
Anyway, I'm back.If you know Felicity Season 1, then you sort of know why what happens in this chapter happens. I have been trying to fit various events of that show into this one, which is why what happens happens. If you don't know Felicity, don't worry. This is all heading somewhere. I promise.
Part 9 - Section B
~Max~
Several minutes later, Michael and I are standing in front of Tess’s door, which is open. I look at Michael. "Are you ready?"
"As I’ll ever be," he replies with a shrug. I can’t tell if he’s curious, or excited, or just dreading this as much as I am. His expression, as per usual, is mostly blank. It’s his defense mechanism in situations he doesn’t understand.
I’m not sure why I’m not looking forward to talking to Tess. I mean, it’s not like I have anything against her. I like her. Liz implied that she would be able to give me all the answers I want about Liz’s strange behavior. And, yet, I’m nervous. Somehow I have a feeling that whatever goes down with Tess today is going to change everything. I guess I’m more like Isabel than I’ve ever realized. I don’t want things to change. I have always been more curious about our heritage than my sister, although never to the degree of Michael. But, now, even though things presently suck between me and Liz, I know for sure that I don’t want my life to be different. The fact that Liz liked me, even for a little while…It changed how I feel about myself.
I like who I am. I don’t want to find out that who I am is not who I’m supposed to be. For some reason, I have a feeling that if I ever do find out why we were sent to Earth, who I am supposed to be is going to trump who I think I am now. But I don’t want it to. Does that make any sense?
But, whatever. I have no choice anyway. Liz has made it clear that it is Tess I need to talk to, and so to Tess I shall talk. Because I’m not giving up on Liz without a fight. I refuse. Not when I’ve had a taste of what it might be like to be with her.
Anyway, there’s no turning back now, because Tess has heard our voices and she’s appeared at the door. She has her coat over her arm, and is obviously on her way out. She seems surprised to see me, but does visibly brighten, which makes me even more nervous. "Hi, Max!"
She glances at Michael and I quickly introduce him.
"Hey," he says, then lapses back into silence. He is starting at her intently, and I see her shift uncomfortably.
"What’s up?" Tess asks, turning her attention back to me, to avoid Michael’s penetrating gaze. I would nudge him to get him to quit it, but that would draw even more attention to what he is doing. He is, quite possibly, the worst detective ever.
"Um…" Great. Now that I’m here, I realize I have no idea how to broach the subject. What do I say? "Liz told me that you could tell me why she’s avoiding me." No, a little too abrupt. Plus, kind of rude, since I’ve barely seen Tess since I’ve been back. "I just wanted to drop in and say hi, and introduce you to Michael, before you go home for the holiday."
"Oh, I’m not going anywhere," Tess replies. She rolls her eyes. "My brother’s here visiting." She lifts her jacket. "I’m taking him sight-seeing."
Michael and I exchange a glance at this. Because, if she is one of us, what does that make her brother? One of us too? Or is this a clue that Michael, Isabel, and I are all crazy, and Tess is completely normal?
"You sound thrilled," Michael says. He’s being sarcastic, of course, because she actually sounds the complete opposite of thrilled.
"He’s just kind of a grump," Tess admits. She is glancing past us. "He’s in the common room. C’mon, I’ll introduce you."
Michael and I look at each other again. He shrugs, shaking his head. I’m not sure if he’s telling me that he doesn’t think she’s an alien, or if he’s telling me she is, or if he’s telling me nothing at all, so I scowl at him.
When Tess looks back and asks, "Are you coming?" we have no choice but to follow her down the hall, because I haven’t had a chance to ask her anything about Liz yet.
Tess’s brother is at the pool table in the common room, shooting a game with, of all people, Kyle Valenti. Michael snorts beside me. I don’t blame him. Could life get any weirder? Seriously.
"Eddie?" The blond guy looks up from his shot, takes in Tess, then me and Michael, and frowns slightly.
"Are you ready?" he asks. He then leans over and takes his shot, which clears the table.
"Jeez," Kyle mutters, shaking his head. "Good shot, man." He looks at me and Michael, and nods, although he clearly isn’t thrilled to see us again.
"Thanks," Eddie replies, placing his cue on the table. "Tessie, this is Kyle."
"Nice to meet you, Kyle," Tess says. She nods towards me and Michael. "This is Max. You know the one I told you about?" This surprises me. She’s told her brother about me? "And his friend, Michael." She tries to introduce us to Kyle, but we explain that we, in fact, already know each other. Nor can we seem to escape each other today. Considering this is such a huge dorm, not to mention city, one would think that it might be a bit easier to do so.
"Hey," Eddie says, sounding a bit surly. Tess was apparently right. This guy does seem to be a little cranky. Because, after his cursory "hey," he proceeds to ignore us. "Kyle’s coming with us."
I look at Kyle in surprise. "Where’s Liz?"
Kyle shrugs, sighing. "She called me on my cell. She’s been held up somewhere. She told me to go out and look around and she’ll meet me back here in a few hours."
Okay, this is not good. Actually, it causes a knot to form in my stomach. I’m really worried about Liz now. This is totally out of character for her, to dump Kyle like this. I mean, he’s come to New York to visit her. She’s expecting him to show himself around?
Kyle doesn’t seem that upset about it though. He is presently staring at Tess, his mouth hanging open slightly. He seems a little hypnotized by her, in fact. Not that I blame him. She is, after all, very pretty. I mean, compared to Liz, no, but, compared to most other girls, definitely.
"That’s okay," Tess says, smiling at Kyle. "You can come with us. We’re going to Times Square and some of the other big sights."
I frown. Clearly this is not the time to talk to Tess. She is obviously distracted by her brother’s presence, and by the idea of playing tour guide. Great. I know that I can’t wait until tomorrow to have a conversation with her. I just can’t. I’ve been miserable and in the dark for over three weeks. I can’t take it anymore. It has to be today.
I grab her by the arm as she turns to leave. "Tess?"
"Yeah?" she says, glancing down at where my hand is holding her loosely. I drop her arm quickly. When she looks up, she is blushing slightly. It is becoming ever clearer that Liz was more than right when she told me ages ago that Tess likes me. I can’t deny it any longer. Which only makes things more complicated. And which is only going to make the conversation about Liz that much more awkward.
"What are you and Eddie doing for dinner tonight?" I ask, shoving my hands in my pockets.
"Nothing," she replies.
"Do you want to come to Isabel’s? She’s cooking a turkey."
She smiles brightly. "We’d love to. Columbia, right?"
"Yeah." I give her Isabel’s address, and she jots it down on a scrap of paper she pulls out of her purse.
"Cool." She seems really pleased. It makes me feel…weird. There is no other word to describe it. I’m not pleased, exactly, but, on the other hand, I’m happy that she’s so happy. I like Tess. I’ve missed her over the past few weeks.
"Hey, aren’t Liz and me going there too?" Kyle demands, from near the door.
I shrug. "I think so," I tell him. Tess’s expression dims slightly when she hears this. "Alex is hosting too."
"Maybe I’ll just run up and leave a note on her door telling her I’ll meet her there." Kyle looks at Tess. "It makes sense. That way we’ll have more time."
"Sure," Tess says. "We can stop upstairs first."
With that, the three of them leave, but not before Tess says a soft, "Bye, Max," that sends an even clearer message than her blush of a few minutes ago.
I am in so much trouble.
After they’re gone, I collapse into one of the overstuffed chairs near the T.V. Michael throws himself down on a couch across from me.
"So?" I ask, fixing him with a penetrating stare. What I want, more than anything, is for him to tell me that he thinks Tess is totally normal, and that Isabel and I are both imagining things - that she’s just a regular girl, with, for some reason, a crush on me, and it’s nothing more than that.
His expression, however, is not reassuring. Finally, he says, "To be honest, I’m not sure."
"You’re not sure that she’s one of us, or the opposite?"
"Either. There’s definitely something weird about her. I know what Izzy means." He frowns. "But it feels different than what I feel around you guys." He shakes his head. "I’m just not sure, Maxwell. Maybe if I talk to her longer or something…"
"Well, I guess you’re going to get your chance," I say, sighing. "Because she’s coming to dinner."
And, apparently, so is Liz. And Kyle. And Tess’s weird brother. This is just shaping up to be a winner of a day, all around.
"We’ll figure this out, Maximillian," Michael says seriously. "I promise."
I meet his eyes, and, for the first time, in a long while - quite possibly since we started high school and my crush on Liz got completely out of control actually - I feel an understanding develop between me and my best friend. For the first time in a long time, he isn’t pissed off at me for wanting to be more human, or for wanting to be with Liz. He actually seems to get it.
Remind me to call Maria and thank her later. That girl is a miracle worker.
"Thanks, Michael. I’m glad you’re here."
"Hey, man. I’m always here."
And, really, he always has been.
"I know."
We have stopped looking at each other, because this is getting a bit mushy, and, after all, we are still guys. We’re aliens, sure, but we’re also guys.
"Wanna go shoot some pool?" he asks gruffly, standing up abruptly.
"Sure."
And, that, for the moment, is that.
***
Michael and I pretty much just hang out at MU until it’s time to leave for Columbia, because Michael isn’t really the sight-seeing type (although I’m sure Izzy will haul him around the city tomorrow). Alex is pacing in front of Izzy’s dorm as we walk up, and it is clear that he is waiting for us, because he stops it as soon as he catches sight of me.
"Liz brought Sean," he says abruptly, not even bothering to say hello.
I stare at him blankly, not sure that I am presently understanding English. "What?"
"I’m not kidding," Alex replies grimly. "I think she’s gone insane."
There is a long pause as I digest this. "Did she say anything?" I finally ask, when I realize that both Alex and Michael are staring at me waiting for a reaction.
"No," Alex tells me. "She just showed up with him like it was perfectly normal. I tried to corner her, but she’s not willing to be cornered."
I have absolutely nothing to say. I mean, what is there to say? Liz has brought Sean to Thanksgiving dinner at my sister’s. I hate Sean. She knows this. I have never flat-out said this to anyone, but please. Liz knows. She could not have possibly done anything more blatantly designed to demonstrate that, as far as she is concerned, whatever it was that was developing between us is no longer developing.
Okay, this is now officially the worst Thanksgiving ever.
As we emerge from the elevator on Isabel’s floor, we are met by our hostess, who is waiting for it, a bowl of potatoes in her hands. "Just going downstairs to heat these up in the microwave there," my sister says breathlessly, pushing past us. "The one up here is busted."
"Need help?" Alex asks.
"No," Isabel calls. "Go be a host. Everyone’s in the common room."
Alex makes a bee-line down the hall, Michael and I trailing behind.
"It’s like they’re an old married couple," Michael mutters, sounding a little amazed.
"He’s good for her," I reply under my breath, glad to be distracted from the impending horror that will be the sight of Sean Covington at my sister’s Thanksgiving dinner. "She needs someone steady like him."
"Yeah, but it’s weird," Michael says. He pauses, then adds thoughtfully, "Not in a bad way though."
I don’t have time to say anything else, because we’ve entered the common room, and I am confronted by Liz and her various boyfriends. Tess is there too, and her brother, but I don’t really notice. It seems almost pointless to try to talk to Tess now. I mean, Liz has made her intentions clear. She is done with me. Why bother embarrassing myself by trying to have a sure to be awkward conversation with Tess? Particularly as I still have no idea why she might be the one who could give me any insight into Liz.
Maybe Alex is right. Maybe Liz Parker is insane. Maybe it’s time for me just to accept it and move on.
There is a moment of uncomfortable silence as we all stand around staring at each other. Finally, Alex, remembering that he is supposed to be the host, starts to make introductions, although I think by his point we all know each other. He then leaves to get drinks.
I sit stiffly in a chair, forcing myself not to look directly at anyone. This is the last place on the planet I want to be at the moment. The two people I least want to accidentally exchange any sort of glance with are Liz and Sean. Her, because I’m scared to see the finality of what she has told me by bringing Sean here written on her face, and him because I know he’ll be smirking.
God, I freaking hate him. I can feel rage beginning to run through my veins. Why is this happening? Why has Liz turned away from me? What did I do? And why did she run to him again, of all people? Why is he here? What is she trying to do to me?
I am about to lose it. I can feel it. It is like I am outside of my own body watching everyone around me engage in stilted small talk. Tess is telling some story about how Kyle got lost in the subway, and everyone is laughing, and all I want to do is scream at the top of my lungs.
I get up, and leave the room. As simple as that. If I don’t, I just know that I am going to start yelling. It is not a pleasant feeling, because I never lose my temper. Okay, fine, Isabel and Michael have pissed me off sometimes, but it has never felt like this.
I head straight for the men’s room. I pass Isabel on the way. She apparently notices the tight control I am exerting over my emotions, because she tries to stop me. "Max, what’s wr…"
I walk right past her, and slam into the men’s room, breathing hard. I brace my hands on one of the sinks, and find myself staring at my reflection. I realize that I look scary. My cheeks are all red, and my eyes are a little wild.
Okay, maybe Liz isn’t the insane one. If a crazy person needed to be picked out of a line-up, I fit the bill quite nicely.
This is what she is doing to me. I am not an emotional person. I am usually a calm, collected person. I am the person who reins in the emotional ones. Haven’t I had years of practice with Isabel and Michael?
I turn on the taps, throw water at my face. Stop thinking about her, I order myself. She clearly isn’t thinking about you.
A soft knock sounds on the bathroom door. I turn my head abruptly, ready to glare at the person who is planning to come through the door. Because it is starting to open, and, moments later, Tess’s blonde head appears.
For some reason I don’t scowl at her. Instead I turn back to the sink, and scrub more water across my face.
It doesn’t help. The anger is still coursing through my veins.
"Max? Are you okay?" Tess asks quietly. I feel her small hand on my shoulder.
"No," I mutter, not turning to look at her.
"I’m sorry," she says.
"Why are you apologizing?" I ask, standing up abruptly. "You didn’t do anything."
There is a long pause. I finally look at her, and she is biting her lip. I can almost see her trying to figure out what to say to make me feel better. She looks pretty, and open, and far more than that, she looks like she actually wants to be here with me.
A vision of Liz hopping out of the cab earlier today runs through my mind. The person I want to be with clearly doesn’t want the same thing. All she has done is run away from me, and she won’t even tell me why. But Tess does want me. I mean, she could not have made that more clear if she tried. And now I can actually see it, because I’m looking for it. Before I was too blinded by my obsession with Liz, but, now that I am so furious at her, it’s as plain as day.
I stand there, staring at Tess, finding myself getting lost in her blue, blue eyes. It is hypnotizing, the expression in them - the longing, the desire. Everything I want to see in Liz’s dark eyes is staring back at me out of the face of the wrong girl.
I know she is still the wrong girl. I just don’t feel for Tess what I do for Liz, even though I’m presently furious at her. It’s sad, but true.
And, yet, Tess is moving towards me and I am not moving away. Again, it’s like I’m outside of myself. I feel like I’m in some kind of weird dream. I open my mouth slightly, willing myself to tell her to stop, but I can’t do it.
"Max," Tess whispers. She reaches up, placing her hands on my cheeks, pulling my face down towards her. And, suddenly, before I know it, we are kissing.
It is my first kiss, ever, and it is with the wrong girl. And, yet, I still don’t stop it. I let it continue, and I feel my heart freeze over. Because it feels better than the guilt that is trying to course through me. Because while I might not be betraying Liz, because she apparently doesn’t care, I am betraying myself by allowing this kiss to happen.
What ends it, of course, is the worst possible thing that could happen.
The door to the bathroom swings open. Tess and I jump apart and I find myself staring at Liz, who is staring back, her mouth hanging open.
Liz blinks, glances at the sign on the door, then says quickly, "Sorry! I thought this was the ladies…" She doesn’t finish though. Instead she lets the door swing shut again.
I do not move. I am completely frozen. Instead, I just close my eyes, letting out a long sigh.
Because, just like that, it is actually, truly, completely over with Liz, and I know that there is no turning back.
A/N - Yes! It is true! A new part! Will wonders never cease? Another part soon. I'm on holidays, and apparently I'm on something of a roll...plus, I kind of stop this in a really mean place.
Part 10
December 31, 2002 - Roswell, New Mexico
~Liz~
"Liz, I absolutely insist. You are coming. No more discussion!"
"I am not," I snap, "Maria, I’ve told you ten million times. Sean said he’d call tonight, and I need to be here when he does."
Maria is sitting on a stool at the Crashdown’s counter. "That is the lamest thing I have ever heard," she retorts. "You are honestly telling me that you are going to sit at home on New Year’s Eve, waiting for a phone call from a guy you don’t even really like, when you could be at the party of the year?"
I am behind the counter, running a cloth along its length, avoiding my best friend’s piercing gaze. "That’s what I’m telling you," I reply. "And I do too like Sean. I am dating him."
"Whatever." Maria waves her hand in the air. "You’re dating him because Max is dating Tess. That’s the only reason, and we both know it, so will you please just be honest with me." Her voice cracks slightly, and I look at her in surprise. She has tears in her blue eyes, and I feel a pang of guilt.
"Maria..."
"Liz, I know you’re keeping something from me. I know it. And I can’t stand it. What is it? I know this is about Max, and he won’t tell me anything either, and you’re both driving me insane!"
I lower my gaze. Because, of course, she’s right. I am keeping something from her. In fact, I’m keeping a lot of things from her. Like the fact that Max, Michael, and Isabel are aliens. She still doesn’t know that, but it’s not my fault. I want to tell her, but Alex says it’s up to Michael to do it. That he’s her boyfriend and it’s not our place to go spilling his secrets to Maria unless he wants her to know. I sort of agree with him, but, on the other hand, Maria is whip-smart. She knows that something is up with Alex and me, and her hurt has been obvious since we’ve been home. It’s even worse because I know she’s already jealous that we’re away at school together, and she got stuck in Roswell working for another year, so that she can afford college.
"Maria, I’m sorry," I say sincerely, because I am. ""I just can’t get into it with you. What’s happened with me and Max...…it’s totally my fault. I want to tell you. I do. But I’m just worried you won’t understand. You’re going to be on Max’s side and I just can’t deal with that right now."
"Why are there sides?" Maria demands. "I’m your best friend, Liz. You can tell me. I just want you both to be happy. And neither of you is. It’s like you’re both going out of your way to make yourselves miserable when it doesn’t have to be this way. Just come to the party and you’ll see that."
"Go and see him with Tess?" I reply, more harshly than I intend. "No way, Maria." And this is the real reason I’m not going out, of course. No phone call from Sean would ever keep me hanging around my parents’ apartment otherwise, which isn’t really fair to Sean, but it’s just what is. But I’ve managed to avoid Max and Tess the entire time I’ve been home, and I’m not going to spoil that now, particularly when I know that both of them will definitely be there.
You’re probably all thinking that it’s just what I deserve, having to see them together, after what I did to Max at Thanksgiving. After I brought Sean to Isabel’s for dinner. And you’re all probably right. But I did that for a very specific reason - I really felt like I had no choice - and I can’t regret it. I mean, I knew that Tess’s ‘brother’ was going to be there, and what better way to assure that he knew that I was staying away from Max then by bringing a date?
And it worked, didn’t it? Max and Tess are together, and Max is now safe, and it was all worth it.
Of course, it also means that my heart is permanently shattered into eight million pieces. That it broke apart when I saw them kissing in the bathroom, and it won’t ever be put back together.
And I can’t tell Maria any of this either, because then I’d have to explain why I pushed Max and Tess together - which really didn’t take that much effort anyway - and that can’t be done without telling her about the alien angle. Which means I can’t talk to my very best friend about my broken heart - which is just wrong. But it has to be worth it. It has to be. I have to believe that, or I won’t survive it. I won’t survive being alone. Because I am. All alone. I can’t even go to Alex, who might be the only one to understand, because I can’t trust him not to tell Max. They’re better friends then Alex and I are these days.
Which is why I’ve been clinging to Sean like a life-line. Because at least he’s all mine, and I can try to forget about the rest of it when I talk to him. He isn’t wrapped up in any of it, and he’s normal, and that’s just what I need right now.
Maria reaches out and grasps my hand. I realize that I have been scrubbing at the same section of counter for over a minute. "Liz, it’s clean!"
"Oh." I stop. "Sorry.
Maria sighs heavily. "Liz, you’re miserable. You always clean like this when you are. I want you to be happy. I want you both to be happy."
"Max is happy," I tell her firmly. "I mean, of course he is. He brought Tess home for Christmas, didn’t he?""
"He so is not," Maria says. I look at her in surprise. "That’s right, Liz. So you’ll finally let me tell you? He’s not happy. And you could have known this two weeks ago if you’d let me talk to you about it."
"What?" I stare at her, my heart beating too quickly. I feel tears prick my eyes. I just can’t listen to this. He’s not happy? After all I’ve done? Tess promised me she would make him happy. She promised!
But, on the other, hand, Maria might just be telling me this to make me feel better. I can’t call her bluff on it, because I haven’t seen Max since Thanksgiving. He avoided me like the plague at school, which I helped him do by dropping biology. He hasn’t been in the Crashdown once since we all got back from New York either. I just took that to mean that he is happy with Tess, and that he knew that seeing me was just going to be awkward. Because it would be. How could it not be?
"Liz, it’s true. If you’d come to the party - if you see them together - you’d see if for yourself. He doesn’t want to be with her." I look at Maria, shaking my head firmly. She doesn’t let me get a word in though. "You’re both a couple of idiots. Don’t you think I’ve figured out what’s going on here? He’s staying with Tess, because he thinks you’re with Sean, and you’re with Sean, because Max is supposedly in love with Tess."
This can’t be true. If it was true, then Max would have come to see me. He would have. I know him. He would have come for an explanation.
Of course, considering that I’ve also been avoiding him, and managed to do so for close to a month before Thanksgiving too, maybe he’s realized that might not be an option.
"Maria, it’s not true. Max and Tess belong together. They have to be together." The words come out in desperation, just to get her to stop. I don’t want to hear this. I need to think that Max is happy. I have to know he’s happy, or I won’t be able to stay away from him.
I grimace, realizing what I’ve said, and I quickly move away from her.
"What?" Maria demands. "What are you even talking about? See? This is what I mean. That is just crazy talk. Liz, what aren’t you telling me? Is Tess blackmailing you or something?""
See what I mean about Maria being whip-smart? She’s figured out as close to the truth as she possibly can without knowing the real truth. Not that Tess is really blackmailing me. I’m just helping her. But sometimes it sure feels like I’m letting the blonde alien play me. Because what proof do I have that anything Tess has told me is true, other than my gut instinct, and that silver book?
You have the proof that her brother shot you to keep you away from Max, a voice in the back of my head reminds me.
But she might have arranged that herself.
I blink. Now where did that come from?
They belong together, I tell myself firmly. If they didn’t, he never would have kissed her. He loved me for ten years. He wouldn’t have done that unless he felt drawn to her in a way he’s never felt drawn to me.
I knew I shouldn’t have spoken to Maria. This was why I’ve been avoiding her. She’s put doubts in my mind that I’m doing the right thing.
There is a way to find out...…the other, evil little voice reminds me.
"Okay," I say quietly.
"What?" Maria sounds surprised.
"Okay," I say more firmly. "I’ll go to the party."
But only for one reason. To see Max and Tess together, and to remind myself that this is the right thing. If I see them happy - and, I mean, they have to be, or he wouldn’t have invited her home to meet his parents, would he have? - I’ll be able to go back to being miserable in peace. I can stop worrying about Max.
Because that’s how I feel. Worried. Tess promised me that he would be happy if I helped them get together. If he isn’t...…Well, I don’t know what I’m going to do about it. I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it.
***
"Woohoo! Who’s the hottie?"
I wrinkle my nose at Alex, who is standing in my bedroom doorway. "Is it too much?" I ask, glancing at myself in the mirror again, reanalyzing my short skirt, black boots, and brick red halter top. I know that I should be dressing down. I’m not supposed to look attractive to anyone after all. Not only am I trying to keep Max away from me, I also technically have a boyfriend. Sort of. When I remember to think about him.
Yet, when I came in to get ready for the party, I just naturally gravitated towards a top I have a feeling might make Max drool. And I left my hair down, blow-drying it poker straight. I know he likes it that way, because Maria told me that he told her that once. So not a good sign.
"How am I supposed to know?" Alex demands, flopping down on my bed. "I’m a guy. All I know is, you look hot. And if that isn’t your goal, then it’s probably too much."
I roll my eyes. "Is this how you won Isabel’s heart? By telling her she’s hot? How romantic."
"No, Liz. I tell my girl friends they’re hot, to bolster their self esteem," Alex replies, grinning. "I tell Isabel…other things."
"Ew," Maria says. She comes flouncing into the room, picks up a bra from on my vanity and throws it at Alex. It lands on his head, and he pulls it off, examining it with horror, before tossing it away. "We so don’t want to know."
"And what are you saying exactly, Alex?" I ask, glaring at him. "That I’m not hot?"
He raises his hands in mock surrender. "Liz, I don’t lie, babe. I said it because I meant it."
"You do look hot," Maria assesses, after giving me the once over. "Good."
I frown at her. "Not good. I’m supposed to just look normal." I look at Alex. "Get out. I need to change."
"Don’t go anywhere, Alex. She’s not changing," Maria snaps. "Put on some lipstick, and let’s get outta here."
"No lipstick," I insist.
Maria grabs me by the shoulders, her expression no-nonsense. "Liz, put on your lipstick. Now."
"Maria…"
"Now!" she bellows, making me jump, and I see Alex cringe out of the corner of my eye.
"Liz, you better do it," he says, sounding terrified. "Or we might not see 2003."
"Yes, ma’am," I whimper, because I’m really not in the mood to argue anymore. I’m all argued out. Glancing at the clock, I see that it’s too late to change anyway. We’re meeting Isabel and Michael downstairs at ten (because I so enjoy being the fifth wheel. Maria insists I won’t be, but puh-lease). It’s now five after.
And, so, I hastily apply lipstick, give myself one last glance in the mirror, and ten minutes later I’m sitting in the back seat of Isabel’s parents’ Volvo.
"Are you sure you don’t mind driving, Iz?" Alex asks, from the seat next to her. I narrow my eyes in annoyance at the sight of his hand, because it’s reaching out to gently cup Isabel’s neck. Right, Maria, I think. I’m so not the fifth wheel. I would glare at her, but she and Michael are already making out next to me, and I’m trying not to look.
"No," Isabel replies. "You know I don’t drink anyway." She smiles at Alex. "Plus, I want you to be able to have a good time."
"You’re so good to me," Alex says. At first I think he’s joking, because it sounds exactly like something he would say to either me or Maria sarcastically, but when I realize he’s serious I almost ask Isabel to pull over so that I can throw up.
Sometimes I hate my best friends.
"Where’s Max?" Maria demands, when she finally comes up for air. I roll my eyes, turning to stare out into the dark desert night. She is so unsubtle.
There’s a pause, because Isabel knows exactly why Maria is asking too, of course. "He’s bringing Tess in the Jeep," she finally replies, referring to the old vehicle Max and Isabel shared all through high school. I listen for a tone, but there’s no tone. It’s just a basic statement of fact, so I have no idea what Isabel’s opinion is of my psycho behavior over the past two months. I remember the conversation we had in my room at school the night I was shot, and sigh. I wonder why I care that I’ve not only disappointed Max by bailing on him, but also his sister.
You had no choice, the helpful voice in the back of my head reminds me.
I close my eyes, leaning my forehead against the cool glass. What was I thinking coming out tonight? This is going to be hell. Not only am I going to have to witness Max and Tess together, I’m also developing a split personality.
Ten more minutes later, Isabel pulls up in front of Vicky Delaney’s house. Maria, Michael, and I pile out, while Izzy and Alex pull away to find a parking spot. The street in front of Vicky’s is already packed, so I have a feeling that it’s going to take them a while. Plus, from the way Alex was eyeing Isabel, I have a feeling that he has other ideas that might make them take even longer. To quote Maria, ew.
"Hi, Liz!" Our hostess greets me cheerfully. "Welcome! Coats go in my mom’s room. Drinks are in the kitchen."
I smile at her. Even though I’m as grumpy as hell, I do like Vicky Delaney. For a blond cheerleader type, she’s pretty nice, and always has been.
"Thanks, Vicky. Thanks for having us."
"Totally no problem at all," Vicky replies. "I just thought it would be fun to get everyone together. We’re all so scattered these days."
"Yeah," I agree. I search my mind, trying to remember where she’s going to school. I finally recall what Kyle told me at Thanksgiving. "How’s Michigan?"
"Totally cool," Vicky exclaims. She throws her arms in the air, forcing me to take a step backward. "Go, Wolverines!"
"So, still cheerleading then?" I ask innocently. I hear Maria snicker beside me.
"Of course," Vicky says. "I couldn’t live without it."
"Who could?" Maria asks sarcastically, linking her arm through mine. "Anyway, thanks, Vicky. We’ll talk to you later."
"Totally."
"Totally," Maria agrees. As soon as we’re out of ear-shot, she says, "Yikes."
"She’s nice, Maria," I insist.
"I’m not saying she isn’t, Liz. I was just a little concerned that our brain cell count was diminishing with every moment we spent with her."
I laugh despite myself. "You’re mean."
"No, just honest."
As Maria and I leave the coat room, I realize abruptly that we’ve lost one of our number already. "Where’s Michael?" I ask suspiciously. Because if there’s one thing Michael Guerin isn’t, it’s social. I had expected him to be at Maria’s side for the entire evening.
If he’s not with us, and if Isabel and Alex are still ‘parking the car,’ there is only one other possibility for where he might be.
"Where you’d expect to find him," Maria replies.
"With Max." I wonder why my heart drops. After all, I did come to see him. I came to see him with Tess and convince myself once and for all that I have done the right thing.
"Maybe," Maria says, in a sing-songy way that sends a shiver down my spine.
"I think I need a drink," I mutter, getting more concerned by the minute that she has something untoward planned for me. And if she has somehow wrangled Michael into it, it has to be all bad.
"Ask and you shall receive." I stare at my hand in amazement, which is now holding a large, red plastic cup. When I look over my shoulder, I am staring at a grinning Kyle Valenti. "Long Island ice tea," he says. "Your favorite."
"Hey, Kyle!" I say, more pleased to see him than I can even express. This is great! I can spend the night with Kyle. Max won’t come near me with Kyle around. I know my Max. Kyle scares him.
Oh, God. I just called him my Max. I’m hopeless. Completely hopeless. It doesn’t matter if Kyle’s attached to me like a second skin. I have a feeling that I’m doomed no matter what. If Max even appears in my general vicinity, with the way I’m presently feeling - all jittery and nervous - I might just jump him to make myself feel better.
Right, Liz, that’s why you’d jump him.
Not that he’d come near you anyway, my helpful split personality reminds me. He’s here with Tess. It doesn’t matter what Maria has planned.
I drain the glass in my hand before I can reflect on this line of thinking any longer.
"What?" I say, forcing myself to focus on Kyle, who has said something.
"I said, whoa," Kyle replied, his eyes wide. "Liz…"
"Can I have another one?" I ask, batting my eyelashes at him. I need to get away from Maria, obviously. She is distracted at the moment, chatting with Tina Lesley, who used to work at the Crashdown with us, so now is a good time. The bar seems like a logical place to avoid her. Maria’s dad was an alcoholic, so she doesn’t drink.
"Okay." He shrugs, taking me by the hand. We wind our way through the throngs of our former classmates. Kyle has to pause a couple of times to do that weird hand thingy that guys do with each other. I feel my heart freeze at one point because I think I see Tess two people over. Those blonde curls are fairly hard to miss after all. I squeeze Kyle’s hand so hard, he actually glances back at me.
"What?"
When the girl turns, and I see that it’s Amy Ryan, who also has blond ringlets (yeesh! How quickly we forget!), I nearly pass out from the relief of it. Although I shouldn’t be relieved. I should be disappointed that I haven’t been able to get my mission out of the way early, so that I can go home. After all, I am here to see Tess with Max. This is my goal, isn’t it?
"Nothing," I reply. "Nothing," I repeat firmly.
This is ridiculous! Why am I scared of running into Tess? It’s not like I hate her or something. Plus, this is my turf. She’s the alien invader in Roswell. No pun intended.
The thought of Tess’ alien status makes me reflect momentarily on the fact that I don’t have any clue about how Max, Isabel, and Michael feel about the fact that there’s another one of their kind around. One of the problems with avoiding Max is that I’ve been forced to avoid Isabel and Michael too. In fact, tonight in the car was the first time I’d seen either of them since Isabel’s disastrous Thanksgiving dinner, so I have no idea how the three of them reacted to a new member of their otherworldly clique. It must have been kind of weird for them. I remember what Max told me that night on the roof - the best night of my life…Sigh…STOP IT!…that it had been just the three of them for so long, they were beyond close because of it. I hope it went okay, when she told them. I mean, I might resent the hell out of Tess, but, as stated, I don’t hate her. And part of the reason that I went along with her was that I felt how lonely she was in the time we spent together before she and Max got together. I feel sad that I’ll probably never know if Michael and Isabel have accepted her. I could ask Alex, of course, but then we’ll just end up discussing Max no doubt, and I just really don’t want to put Alex in the middle.
I guess I know that they’ve accepted Tess anyway. After all, Max has brought her home for Christmas. He wouldn’t have if there was any tension between her and his sister or best friend.
I already know that there’s no tension between Max and Tess.
Ugh. Stop thinking about it! I order myself.
Easier said than done, obviously. There is only way to permanently shut up the voices in my head. Alcohol, and lots of it.
"Let’s do a shot," I say to Kyle, when we finally reach the bar.
Kyle looks surprised. "Really?"
"Yeah!" I exclaim. "It’s New Year’s!" I look at Vicky’s boyfriend, Paulie Scott, whose manning the bar. "Two shots of tequila, please."
"Tequila? Oh boy," I hear Kyle mutter, but I ignore him.
Half an hour, and five shots later, Kyle is beginning to look a little bit like someone didn’t color his edges in properly. "One more!" I insist.
"Liz, no," Kyle responds firmly. "That’s enough."
I remember that he actually didn’t join me in the last one and I scowl at him. "Party pooper!"
"Liz, what’s going on?" Kyle demands. "You’re not acting like yourself at all."
"I’m just trying to have a good time," I reply. I can’t hear myself very well, over the load music, but I think I’m maybe slurring my words a bit. I can see the expression of concern on Kyle’s face though, so I throw my arms around his neck. "I’m so happy to see you, Kyle!"
"Yeah, me too, Liz," Kyle replies. He grasps me firmly around the waist, steering me away from the bar. "I think we need to get you some fresh air."
The world has started to spin by the time Kyle and I find ourselves out on Vicky’s back deck. I blink, wondering if I’m having hallucinations. But, no, there are actually people in Vicky’s hot tub. Weird. I briefly consider joining them, until my stomach suddenly rebels, and I absolutely know that I am going to throw up.
"I don’t feel so good," I tell Kyle.
"We better find you somewhere to lie down," Kyle says. I can hear the grim tone in his voice, but I don’t know what it means. I can’t focus on anything. I feel like I’m staring at him through a heavy fog.
Finally, I blink my eyes firmly, forcing Kyle’s face to stop whirling in front of me. Quite obviously it’s Kyle that is the problem. I need to get away from him for a while. If he can’t stand still, how are we supposed to have any fun?
"I’m hungry," I announce to him. "I’ll see you later."
And, with that, I stumble back into the house.
I am staring into Vicky’s refrigerator when I feel a presence behind me. "Get your own fridge," I tell the person without turning around.
"Liz? Are you all right?"
I know that voice. I seem to recall that this is not a voice I particularly want to hear. If this is so though, then why does my heart start to beat more quickly? Odd.
You do not want to talk to him, a voice in my head insists.
Really? Okay. Maybe if I don’t turn around, he’ll just go away. If I pretend he’s not here, he’ll cease to exist. Hopefully, I grab some dip, and turn around, in order to look for the potato chips to go with it.
I find myself staring at a black sweater covered chest. So much for that idea. Tilting my head back, I squint up at Max, who is staring down at me. "Chips?" I demand. I mean, really? Doesn’t he know that you can’t eat dip without chips?
Max frowns slightly, but turns away, and when he turns back, he hands me a bag of Lays.
"Thanks," I say. After scarfing down about half the bag myself, I realize that this is quite rude of me. "Chip?" I ask, offering him the bag.
"No, thanks."
"So, how’s it going?" I ask. I am pleased that this sounds very casual. The tequila had not seemed like a very good idea a few minutes ago, but obviously it wasn’t me it affected, but Kyle. After all, he was the one who wouldn’t stop moving. Max is doing very well at staying in one place. And I am doing very well at sounding like I don’t want to kiss him senseless.
Oh, yeah. This was why I didn’t want to hear his voice. Oh, well. This seems to be going well so far. Apparently tequila is good, after all.
"Okay," Max replies, sounding a little strange.
I look at him, tilting my head. "What’s wrong?" I ask.
"What do you mean?"
"You sound weird," I reply. I blink at him. "Oh, wait! It’s because we haven’t talked in like six weeks!"
Max just continues to stare at me. It’s a little disconcerting. "It’s okay, Max, really."
"What is?"
"That you and Tess…well, you know." I smile at him, setting the chips down on the counter next to him. "I mean, it was inevitable."
"What do you mean?" he asks.
"Well, you know. Because she’s like you." I’m not so drunk that I don’t remember that I can’t call Max an alien in public. I am, however, apparently drunk enough to not find this conversation at all awkward. How convenient!
I can hear the small voice in the back of my head wailing at me to stop talking, because the expression on Max’s face seems entirely too blank for him to have any idea what I’m talking about, but apparently alcohol also muffles my ability to heed my split personality.
Which means that more of it is probably a good idea. I notice a bottle of vodka sitting beside the sink, reach out and pour myself a large glass of it.
"Liz, is that a good idea?" Max asks.
"It is," I assure him. "Really. It shuts up the voices."
"What?"
"Never mind," I say. "Want some?"
"I don’t drink, remember?"
"Oh, right. You told me that once. On the roof…" Well, this is odd. Why are my eyes all wet? Oh, right.
It all comes rushing back suddenly. That this is Max, and he is with Tess, and he was with me on a roof one night, and I love him, and I can’t ever be with him.
And, why oh why does he have to look so hot in that sweater? It’s not fair!
I burst into tears.
"Oh my God! Liz!" Max is mortified. His hands are on my shoulders, and it feels good, but I know it’s not good, so I pull away. He drops his hands, but I can tell he doesn’t want to. I don’t want him to either, but I do still remember that he’s not mine. Even if I love him.
My tears stop abruptly. I didn’t mean to make him feel bad. I love him. "I’m sorry," I say, swiping at my eyes.
But Max apparently thinks that he can still somehow make me feel better, because he says, "Liz, about me and Tess…"
"Max, it’s okay, I’m telling you," I insist, grabbing him by the hand, so that he’ll shut up. "You’re meant to be with her. Didn’t I always tell you that? Before? And now that you know she’s like you, it just shows that I was right."
I take another swig of my drink, and he starts to swim before me again. It takes me a minute, but I realize that I’m still holding his hand. He has laced his fingers through mine, and if I try to get away again…well, that would just be insulting. I’ve already made him feel bad because I cried. Taking my hand back would just be mean.
Max’s other hand reaches out and takes the cup out of mine. "Liz, I really think you’ve had enough." I follow the cup with my eyes, and I’m about to protest, when my attention is captured by something else.
Counting. Everyone’s counting backwards.
Oh, right. It’s New Year’s. And I’m standing in Vicky Delaney’s kitchen holding hands with Max Evans.
Uh oh.
I glance up at Max, and he’s looking down at me, his dark eyes smoldering.
Uh oh. This is not good.
But, the problem is, it really is.
Three! Two! One! Happy New Year!
I lift my face, close my eyes, and sigh, giving up. He’s going to kiss me. I know he is. And I want him to. Because this is Max and, of course, he’s supposed to kiss me. Because I’m Liz. And he loves me. Just like I love him.
I can’t remember why I’ve been trying to stay away from him anyway. Alcohol is my friend. So kiss away, Max Evans!
It’s my last thought before everything goes black.
Part 10
December 31, 2002 - Roswell, New Mexico
~Liz~
"Liz, I absolutely insist. You are coming. No more discussion!"
"I am not," I snap, "Maria, I’ve told you ten million times. Sean said he’d call tonight, and I need to be here when he does."
Maria is sitting on a stool at the Crashdown’s counter. "That is the lamest thing I have ever heard," she retorts. "You are honestly telling me that you are going to sit at home on New Year’s Eve, waiting for a phone call from a guy you don’t even really like, when you could be at the party of the year?"
I am behind the counter, running a cloth along its length, avoiding my best friend’s piercing gaze. "That’s what I’m telling you," I reply. "And I do too like Sean. I am dating him."
"Whatever." Maria waves her hand in the air. "You’re dating him because Max is dating Tess. That’s the only reason, and we both know it, so will you please just be honest with me." Her voice cracks slightly, and I look at her in surprise. She has tears in her blue eyes, and I feel a pang of guilt.
"Maria..."
"Liz, I know you’re keeping something from me. I know it. And I can’t stand it. What is it? I know this is about Max, and he won’t tell me anything either, and you’re both driving me insane!"
I lower my gaze. Because, of course, she’s right. I am keeping something from her. In fact, I’m keeping a lot of things from her. Like the fact that Max, Michael, and Isabel are aliens. She still doesn’t know that, but it’s not my fault. I want to tell her, but Alex says it’s up to Michael to do it. That he’s her boyfriend and it’s not our place to go spilling his secrets to Maria unless he wants her to know. I sort of agree with him, but, on the other hand, Maria is whip-smart. She knows that something is up with Alex and me, and her hurt has been obvious since we’ve been home. It’s even worse because I know she’s already jealous that we’re away at school together, and she got stuck in Roswell working for another year, so that she can afford college.
"Maria, I’m sorry," I say sincerely, because I am. ""I just can’t get into it with you. What’s happened with me and Max...…it’s totally my fault. I want to tell you. I do. But I’m just worried you won’t understand. You’re going to be on Max’s side and I just can’t deal with that right now."
"Why are there sides?" Maria demands. "I’m your best friend, Liz. You can tell me. I just want you both to be happy. And neither of you is. It’s like you’re both going out of your way to make yourselves miserable when it doesn’t have to be this way. Just come to the party and you’ll see that."
"Go and see him with Tess?" I reply, more harshly than I intend. "No way, Maria." And this is the real reason I’m not going out, of course. No phone call from Sean would ever keep me hanging around my parents’ apartment otherwise, which isn’t really fair to Sean, but it’s just what is. But I’ve managed to avoid Max and Tess the entire time I’ve been home, and I’m not going to spoil that now, particularly when I know that both of them will definitely be there.
You’re probably all thinking that it’s just what I deserve, having to see them together, after what I did to Max at Thanksgiving. After I brought Sean to Isabel’s for dinner. And you’re all probably right. But I did that for a very specific reason - I really felt like I had no choice - and I can’t regret it. I mean, I knew that Tess’s ‘brother’ was going to be there, and what better way to assure that he knew that I was staying away from Max then by bringing a date?
And it worked, didn’t it? Max and Tess are together, and Max is now safe, and it was all worth it.
Of course, it also means that my heart is permanently shattered into eight million pieces. That it broke apart when I saw them kissing in the bathroom, and it won’t ever be put back together.
And I can’t tell Maria any of this either, because then I’d have to explain why I pushed Max and Tess together - which really didn’t take that much effort anyway - and that can’t be done without telling her about the alien angle. Which means I can’t talk to my very best friend about my broken heart - which is just wrong. But it has to be worth it. It has to be. I have to believe that, or I won’t survive it. I won’t survive being alone. Because I am. All alone. I can’t even go to Alex, who might be the only one to understand, because I can’t trust him not to tell Max. They’re better friends then Alex and I are these days.
Which is why I’ve been clinging to Sean like a life-line. Because at least he’s all mine, and I can try to forget about the rest of it when I talk to him. He isn’t wrapped up in any of it, and he’s normal, and that’s just what I need right now.
Maria reaches out and grasps my hand. I realize that I have been scrubbing at the same section of counter for over a minute. "Liz, it’s clean!"
"Oh." I stop. "Sorry.
Maria sighs heavily. "Liz, you’re miserable. You always clean like this when you are. I want you to be happy. I want you both to be happy."
"Max is happy," I tell her firmly. "I mean, of course he is. He brought Tess home for Christmas, didn’t he?""
"He so is not," Maria says. I look at her in surprise. "That’s right, Liz. So you’ll finally let me tell you? He’s not happy. And you could have known this two weeks ago if you’d let me talk to you about it."
"What?" I stare at her, my heart beating too quickly. I feel tears prick my eyes. I just can’t listen to this. He’s not happy? After all I’ve done? Tess promised me she would make him happy. She promised!
But, on the other, hand, Maria might just be telling me this to make me feel better. I can’t call her bluff on it, because I haven’t seen Max since Thanksgiving. He avoided me like the plague at school, which I helped him do by dropping biology. He hasn’t been in the Crashdown once since we all got back from New York either. I just took that to mean that he is happy with Tess, and that he knew that seeing me was just going to be awkward. Because it would be. How could it not be?
"Liz, it’s true. If you’d come to the party - if you see them together - you’d see if for yourself. He doesn’t want to be with her." I look at Maria, shaking my head firmly. She doesn’t let me get a word in though. "You’re both a couple of idiots. Don’t you think I’ve figured out what’s going on here? He’s staying with Tess, because he thinks you’re with Sean, and you’re with Sean, because Max is supposedly in love with Tess."
This can’t be true. If it was true, then Max would have come to see me. He would have. I know him. He would have come for an explanation.
Of course, considering that I’ve also been avoiding him, and managed to do so for close to a month before Thanksgiving too, maybe he’s realized that might not be an option.
"Maria, it’s not true. Max and Tess belong together. They have to be together." The words come out in desperation, just to get her to stop. I don’t want to hear this. I need to think that Max is happy. I have to know he’s happy, or I won’t be able to stay away from him.
I grimace, realizing what I’ve said, and I quickly move away from her.
"What?" Maria demands. "What are you even talking about? See? This is what I mean. That is just crazy talk. Liz, what aren’t you telling me? Is Tess blackmailing you or something?""
See what I mean about Maria being whip-smart? She’s figured out as close to the truth as she possibly can without knowing the real truth. Not that Tess is really blackmailing me. I’m just helping her. But sometimes it sure feels like I’m letting the blonde alien play me. Because what proof do I have that anything Tess has told me is true, other than my gut instinct, and that silver book?
You have the proof that her brother shot you to keep you away from Max, a voice in the back of my head reminds me.
But she might have arranged that herself.
I blink. Now where did that come from?
They belong together, I tell myself firmly. If they didn’t, he never would have kissed her. He loved me for ten years. He wouldn’t have done that unless he felt drawn to her in a way he’s never felt drawn to me.
I knew I shouldn’t have spoken to Maria. This was why I’ve been avoiding her. She’s put doubts in my mind that I’m doing the right thing.
There is a way to find out...…the other, evil little voice reminds me.
"Okay," I say quietly.
"What?" Maria sounds surprised.
"Okay," I say more firmly. "I’ll go to the party."
But only for one reason. To see Max and Tess together, and to remind myself that this is the right thing. If I see them happy - and, I mean, they have to be, or he wouldn’t have invited her home to meet his parents, would he have? - I’ll be able to go back to being miserable in peace. I can stop worrying about Max.
Because that’s how I feel. Worried. Tess promised me that he would be happy if I helped them get together. If he isn’t...…Well, I don’t know what I’m going to do about it. I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it.
***
"Woohoo! Who’s the hottie?"
I wrinkle my nose at Alex, who is standing in my bedroom doorway. "Is it too much?" I ask, glancing at myself in the mirror again, reanalyzing my short skirt, black boots, and brick red halter top. I know that I should be dressing down. I’m not supposed to look attractive to anyone after all. Not only am I trying to keep Max away from me, I also technically have a boyfriend. Sort of. When I remember to think about him.
Yet, when I came in to get ready for the party, I just naturally gravitated towards a top I have a feeling might make Max drool. And I left my hair down, blow-drying it poker straight. I know he likes it that way, because Maria told me that he told her that once. So not a good sign.
"How am I supposed to know?" Alex demands, flopping down on my bed. "I’m a guy. All I know is, you look hot. And if that isn’t your goal, then it’s probably too much."
I roll my eyes. "Is this how you won Isabel’s heart? By telling her she’s hot? How romantic."
"No, Liz. I tell my girl friends they’re hot, to bolster their self esteem," Alex replies, grinning. "I tell Isabel…other things."
"Ew," Maria says. She comes flouncing into the room, picks up a bra from on my vanity and throws it at Alex. It lands on his head, and he pulls it off, examining it with horror, before tossing it away. "We so don’t want to know."
"And what are you saying exactly, Alex?" I ask, glaring at him. "That I’m not hot?"
He raises his hands in mock surrender. "Liz, I don’t lie, babe. I said it because I meant it."
"You do look hot," Maria assesses, after giving me the once over. "Good."
I frown at her. "Not good. I’m supposed to just look normal." I look at Alex. "Get out. I need to change."
"Don’t go anywhere, Alex. She’s not changing," Maria snaps. "Put on some lipstick, and let’s get outta here."
"No lipstick," I insist.
Maria grabs me by the shoulders, her expression no-nonsense. "Liz, put on your lipstick. Now."
"Maria…"
"Now!" she bellows, making me jump, and I see Alex cringe out of the corner of my eye.
"Liz, you better do it," he says, sounding terrified. "Or we might not see 2003."
"Yes, ma’am," I whimper, because I’m really not in the mood to argue anymore. I’m all argued out. Glancing at the clock, I see that it’s too late to change anyway. We’re meeting Isabel and Michael downstairs at ten (because I so enjoy being the fifth wheel. Maria insists I won’t be, but puh-lease). It’s now five after.
And, so, I hastily apply lipstick, give myself one last glance in the mirror, and ten minutes later I’m sitting in the back seat of Isabel’s parents’ Volvo.
"Are you sure you don’t mind driving, Iz?" Alex asks, from the seat next to her. I narrow my eyes in annoyance at the sight of his hand, because it’s reaching out to gently cup Isabel’s neck. Right, Maria, I think. I’m so not the fifth wheel. I would glare at her, but she and Michael are already making out next to me, and I’m trying not to look.
"No," Isabel replies. "You know I don’t drink anyway." She smiles at Alex. "Plus, I want you to be able to have a good time."
"You’re so good to me," Alex says. At first I think he’s joking, because it sounds exactly like something he would say to either me or Maria sarcastically, but when I realize he’s serious I almost ask Isabel to pull over so that I can throw up.
Sometimes I hate my best friends.
"Where’s Max?" Maria demands, when she finally comes up for air. I roll my eyes, turning to stare out into the dark desert night. She is so unsubtle.
There’s a pause, because Isabel knows exactly why Maria is asking too, of course. "He’s bringing Tess in the Jeep," she finally replies, referring to the old vehicle Max and Isabel shared all through high school. I listen for a tone, but there’s no tone. It’s just a basic statement of fact, so I have no idea what Isabel’s opinion is of my psycho behavior over the past two months. I remember the conversation we had in my room at school the night I was shot, and sigh. I wonder why I care that I’ve not only disappointed Max by bailing on him, but also his sister.
You had no choice, the helpful voice in the back of my head reminds me.
I close my eyes, leaning my forehead against the cool glass. What was I thinking coming out tonight? This is going to be hell. Not only am I going to have to witness Max and Tess together, I’m also developing a split personality.
Ten more minutes later, Isabel pulls up in front of Vicky Delaney’s house. Maria, Michael, and I pile out, while Izzy and Alex pull away to find a parking spot. The street in front of Vicky’s is already packed, so I have a feeling that it’s going to take them a while. Plus, from the way Alex was eyeing Isabel, I have a feeling that he has other ideas that might make them take even longer. To quote Maria, ew.
"Hi, Liz!" Our hostess greets me cheerfully. "Welcome! Coats go in my mom’s room. Drinks are in the kitchen."
I smile at her. Even though I’m as grumpy as hell, I do like Vicky Delaney. For a blond cheerleader type, she’s pretty nice, and always has been.
"Thanks, Vicky. Thanks for having us."
"Totally no problem at all," Vicky replies. "I just thought it would be fun to get everyone together. We’re all so scattered these days."
"Yeah," I agree. I search my mind, trying to remember where she’s going to school. I finally recall what Kyle told me at Thanksgiving. "How’s Michigan?"
"Totally cool," Vicky exclaims. She throws her arms in the air, forcing me to take a step backward. "Go, Wolverines!"
"So, still cheerleading then?" I ask innocently. I hear Maria snicker beside me.
"Of course," Vicky says. "I couldn’t live without it."
"Who could?" Maria asks sarcastically, linking her arm through mine. "Anyway, thanks, Vicky. We’ll talk to you later."
"Totally."
"Totally," Maria agrees. As soon as we’re out of ear-shot, she says, "Yikes."
"She’s nice, Maria," I insist.
"I’m not saying she isn’t, Liz. I was just a little concerned that our brain cell count was diminishing with every moment we spent with her."
I laugh despite myself. "You’re mean."
"No, just honest."
As Maria and I leave the coat room, I realize abruptly that we’ve lost one of our number already. "Where’s Michael?" I ask suspiciously. Because if there’s one thing Michael Guerin isn’t, it’s social. I had expected him to be at Maria’s side for the entire evening.
If he’s not with us, and if Isabel and Alex are still ‘parking the car,’ there is only one other possibility for where he might be.
"Where you’d expect to find him," Maria replies.
"With Max." I wonder why my heart drops. After all, I did come to see him. I came to see him with Tess and convince myself once and for all that I have done the right thing.
"Maybe," Maria says, in a sing-songy way that sends a shiver down my spine.
"I think I need a drink," I mutter, getting more concerned by the minute that she has something untoward planned for me. And if she has somehow wrangled Michael into it, it has to be all bad.
"Ask and you shall receive." I stare at my hand in amazement, which is now holding a large, red plastic cup. When I look over my shoulder, I am staring at a grinning Kyle Valenti. "Long Island ice tea," he says. "Your favorite."
"Hey, Kyle!" I say, more pleased to see him than I can even express. This is great! I can spend the night with Kyle. Max won’t come near me with Kyle around. I know my Max. Kyle scares him.
Oh, God. I just called him my Max. I’m hopeless. Completely hopeless. It doesn’t matter if Kyle’s attached to me like a second skin. I have a feeling that I’m doomed no matter what. If Max even appears in my general vicinity, with the way I’m presently feeling - all jittery and nervous - I might just jump him to make myself feel better.
Right, Liz, that’s why you’d jump him.
Not that he’d come near you anyway, my helpful split personality reminds me. He’s here with Tess. It doesn’t matter what Maria has planned.
I drain the glass in my hand before I can reflect on this line of thinking any longer.
"What?" I say, forcing myself to focus on Kyle, who has said something.
"I said, whoa," Kyle replied, his eyes wide. "Liz…"
"Can I have another one?" I ask, batting my eyelashes at him. I need to get away from Maria, obviously. She is distracted at the moment, chatting with Tina Lesley, who used to work at the Crashdown with us, so now is a good time. The bar seems like a logical place to avoid her. Maria’s dad was an alcoholic, so she doesn’t drink.
"Okay." He shrugs, taking me by the hand. We wind our way through the throngs of our former classmates. Kyle has to pause a couple of times to do that weird hand thingy that guys do with each other. I feel my heart freeze at one point because I think I see Tess two people over. Those blonde curls are fairly hard to miss after all. I squeeze Kyle’s hand so hard, he actually glances back at me.
"What?"
When the girl turns, and I see that it’s Amy Ryan, who also has blond ringlets (yeesh! How quickly we forget!), I nearly pass out from the relief of it. Although I shouldn’t be relieved. I should be disappointed that I haven’t been able to get my mission out of the way early, so that I can go home. After all, I am here to see Tess with Max. This is my goal, isn’t it?
"Nothing," I reply. "Nothing," I repeat firmly.
This is ridiculous! Why am I scared of running into Tess? It’s not like I hate her or something. Plus, this is my turf. She’s the alien invader in Roswell. No pun intended.
The thought of Tess’ alien status makes me reflect momentarily on the fact that I don’t have any clue about how Max, Isabel, and Michael feel about the fact that there’s another one of their kind around. One of the problems with avoiding Max is that I’ve been forced to avoid Isabel and Michael too. In fact, tonight in the car was the first time I’d seen either of them since Isabel’s disastrous Thanksgiving dinner, so I have no idea how the three of them reacted to a new member of their otherworldly clique. It must have been kind of weird for them. I remember what Max told me that night on the roof - the best night of my life…Sigh…STOP IT!…that it had been just the three of them for so long, they were beyond close because of it. I hope it went okay, when she told them. I mean, I might resent the hell out of Tess, but, as stated, I don’t hate her. And part of the reason that I went along with her was that I felt how lonely she was in the time we spent together before she and Max got together. I feel sad that I’ll probably never know if Michael and Isabel have accepted her. I could ask Alex, of course, but then we’ll just end up discussing Max no doubt, and I just really don’t want to put Alex in the middle.
I guess I know that they’ve accepted Tess anyway. After all, Max has brought her home for Christmas. He wouldn’t have if there was any tension between her and his sister or best friend.
I already know that there’s no tension between Max and Tess.
Ugh. Stop thinking about it! I order myself.
Easier said than done, obviously. There is only way to permanently shut up the voices in my head. Alcohol, and lots of it.
"Let’s do a shot," I say to Kyle, when we finally reach the bar.
Kyle looks surprised. "Really?"
"Yeah!" I exclaim. "It’s New Year’s!" I look at Vicky’s boyfriend, Paulie Scott, whose manning the bar. "Two shots of tequila, please."
"Tequila? Oh boy," I hear Kyle mutter, but I ignore him.
Half an hour, and five shots later, Kyle is beginning to look a little bit like someone didn’t color his edges in properly. "One more!" I insist.
"Liz, no," Kyle responds firmly. "That’s enough."
I remember that he actually didn’t join me in the last one and I scowl at him. "Party pooper!"
"Liz, what’s going on?" Kyle demands. "You’re not acting like yourself at all."
"I’m just trying to have a good time," I reply. I can’t hear myself very well, over the load music, but I think I’m maybe slurring my words a bit. I can see the expression of concern on Kyle’s face though, so I throw my arms around his neck. "I’m so happy to see you, Kyle!"
"Yeah, me too, Liz," Kyle replies. He grasps me firmly around the waist, steering me away from the bar. "I think we need to get you some fresh air."
The world has started to spin by the time Kyle and I find ourselves out on Vicky’s back deck. I blink, wondering if I’m having hallucinations. But, no, there are actually people in Vicky’s hot tub. Weird. I briefly consider joining them, until my stomach suddenly rebels, and I absolutely know that I am going to throw up.
"I don’t feel so good," I tell Kyle.
"We better find you somewhere to lie down," Kyle says. I can hear the grim tone in his voice, but I don’t know what it means. I can’t focus on anything. I feel like I’m staring at him through a heavy fog.
Finally, I blink my eyes firmly, forcing Kyle’s face to stop whirling in front of me. Quite obviously it’s Kyle that is the problem. I need to get away from him for a while. If he can’t stand still, how are we supposed to have any fun?
"I’m hungry," I announce to him. "I’ll see you later."
And, with that, I stumble back into the house.
I am staring into Vicky’s refrigerator when I feel a presence behind me. "Get your own fridge," I tell the person without turning around.
"Liz? Are you all right?"
I know that voice. I seem to recall that this is not a voice I particularly want to hear. If this is so though, then why does my heart start to beat more quickly? Odd.
You do not want to talk to him, a voice in my head insists.
Really? Okay. Maybe if I don’t turn around, he’ll just go away. If I pretend he’s not here, he’ll cease to exist. Hopefully, I grab some dip, and turn around, in order to look for the potato chips to go with it.
I find myself staring at a black sweater covered chest. So much for that idea. Tilting my head back, I squint up at Max, who is staring down at me. "Chips?" I demand. I mean, really? Doesn’t he know that you can’t eat dip without chips?
Max frowns slightly, but turns away, and when he turns back, he hands me a bag of Lays.
"Thanks," I say. After scarfing down about half the bag myself, I realize that this is quite rude of me. "Chip?" I ask, offering him the bag.
"No, thanks."
"So, how’s it going?" I ask. I am pleased that this sounds very casual. The tequila had not seemed like a very good idea a few minutes ago, but obviously it wasn’t me it affected, but Kyle. After all, he was the one who wouldn’t stop moving. Max is doing very well at staying in one place. And I am doing very well at sounding like I don’t want to kiss him senseless.
Oh, yeah. This was why I didn’t want to hear his voice. Oh, well. This seems to be going well so far. Apparently tequila is good, after all.
"Okay," Max replies, sounding a little strange.
I look at him, tilting my head. "What’s wrong?" I ask.
"What do you mean?"
"You sound weird," I reply. I blink at him. "Oh, wait! It’s because we haven’t talked in like six weeks!"
Max just continues to stare at me. It’s a little disconcerting. "It’s okay, Max, really."
"What is?"
"That you and Tess…well, you know." I smile at him, setting the chips down on the counter next to him. "I mean, it was inevitable."
"What do you mean?" he asks.
"Well, you know. Because she’s like you." I’m not so drunk that I don’t remember that I can’t call Max an alien in public. I am, however, apparently drunk enough to not find this conversation at all awkward. How convenient!
I can hear the small voice in the back of my head wailing at me to stop talking, because the expression on Max’s face seems entirely too blank for him to have any idea what I’m talking about, but apparently alcohol also muffles my ability to heed my split personality.
Which means that more of it is probably a good idea. I notice a bottle of vodka sitting beside the sink, reach out and pour myself a large glass of it.
"Liz, is that a good idea?" Max asks.
"It is," I assure him. "Really. It shuts up the voices."
"What?"
"Never mind," I say. "Want some?"
"I don’t drink, remember?"
"Oh, right. You told me that once. On the roof…" Well, this is odd. Why are my eyes all wet? Oh, right.
It all comes rushing back suddenly. That this is Max, and he is with Tess, and he was with me on a roof one night, and I love him, and I can’t ever be with him.
And, why oh why does he have to look so hot in that sweater? It’s not fair!
I burst into tears.
"Oh my God! Liz!" Max is mortified. His hands are on my shoulders, and it feels good, but I know it’s not good, so I pull away. He drops his hands, but I can tell he doesn’t want to. I don’t want him to either, but I do still remember that he’s not mine. Even if I love him.
My tears stop abruptly. I didn’t mean to make him feel bad. I love him. "I’m sorry," I say, swiping at my eyes.
But Max apparently thinks that he can still somehow make me feel better, because he says, "Liz, about me and Tess…"
"Max, it’s okay, I’m telling you," I insist, grabbing him by the hand, so that he’ll shut up. "You’re meant to be with her. Didn’t I always tell you that? Before? And now that you know she’s like you, it just shows that I was right."
I take another swig of my drink, and he starts to swim before me again. It takes me a minute, but I realize that I’m still holding his hand. He has laced his fingers through mine, and if I try to get away again…well, that would just be insulting. I’ve already made him feel bad because I cried. Taking my hand back would just be mean.
Max’s other hand reaches out and takes the cup out of mine. "Liz, I really think you’ve had enough." I follow the cup with my eyes, and I’m about to protest, when my attention is captured by something else.
Counting. Everyone’s counting backwards.
Oh, right. It’s New Year’s. And I’m standing in Vicky Delaney’s kitchen holding hands with Max Evans.
Uh oh.
I glance up at Max, and he’s looking down at me, his dark eyes smoldering.
Uh oh. This is not good.
But, the problem is, it really is.
Three! Two! One! Happy New Year!
I lift my face, close my eyes, and sigh, giving up. He’s going to kiss me. I know he is. And I want him to. Because this is Max and, of course, he’s supposed to kiss me. Because I’m Liz. And he loves me. Just like I love him.
I can’t remember why I’ve been trying to stay away from him anyway. Alcohol is my friend. So kiss away, Max Evans!
It’s my last thought before everything goes black.