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Title: Pre-Life
Author: Brittney aka anotherdestinyinc
Rating: TEEN to ADULT
Couples: Mi/L
Disclamer: I don’t own anything. Roswell belongs to UPN and the WB.
Summary: A story pre-life (meaning pre-shooting) As far as cannon goes- Let’s just say when Liz saw Max and Tess kissing in the rain Roswell stopped and my own Polar Reality kicked in.
Spoiler: Everything up to Tess, Lies and Videotape…
Author's Note: *Special thanks to Rae, my polar goddess*
Prologue
I was unsure of what I was doing. I’d yelled at him every night prior—when he had come to my window and begged me to listen. But I was here—and now there was no turning back. I really did want him back, through all of the stupid mistakes he’d made. I still loved him.
I wasn’t sure what to say to him when he finally let me inside. It was silent for a long time. I had been in his room thousands of times before… but it was different now. The entire room felt different. Empty. Lonely.
He finally pulled out his old black t-shirt for me to change into. It was then that I realized I was soaked. I hadn’t even noticed the rain—the only wetness I’d felt was the warm tears that had reached my lips. He gently removed my shirt, and I stood there half-naked before him. Normally I would have blushed—tried to cover myself up and probably slap him in the process. But I hardly even noticed.
“Liz, you’re shaking,” he stated; concerned. He thought I was cold. And I probably was. I was too numb to realize. However the shaking was trembling, I simply couldn’t get it to stop.
He succeeded in pealing my soaked pants off and replaced them with his old worn sweatpants. Part of me wanted to smile. He always did love to see me in his clothes. And today was probably no different.
Except for the fact that it was. Life had gotten so screwed up and twisted. Max had kissed Tess, Michael’s apartment had been bugged, Valenti was getting closer to the secret and we still didn’t know who the hell Nasedo really was.
The warmth from the new clothes helped stop the shaking, and the warmth of his touch helped with the trembling. It was then I realized it was the first time he had ever seen me naked before. The thought should have scared me to death. But it hadn’t. He was soft… gentle… I can’t explain it. He was just so—sure of himself—unembarrassed. Yet he didn’t take advantage of the moment, of me.
He gestured to his bed. I knew he didn’t intend it as a sexual gesture. More simply offering me a place to rest. But I shook my head anyway. I wasn’t sure I would ever be able to sleep again. I continued to stand close to the window, and he sat on his bed. He was looking off into the distance, and I could tell he was trying to decide what to do for me. Hell, I was still trying to decide what to do for me.
It was almost fifteen minutes later when one of us finally moved. He left the room. I wasn’t sure what to think, but questioning his sudden actions was giving me a nice relief from thinking of deeper things.
He returned with a small leather bound journal and pen in hand.
“I picked one up a little while after you got shot. I was so lost with everything—I just needed something. This was never really my type of thing. You know, writing and all. But I figured it worked for you. And I was desperate so I gave it a try.” He handed me the journal.
“You want me to read your journal?” I said, barely above a whisper. I had cried so much earlier that my voice had given out. He shook his head softly.
“It’s empty except for maybe a drawing here and there. I don’t know… guess it never really clicked. But I know it works for you. I just figured maybe if you write in it—never mind it was a stupid idea.” He turned away. I stared at the journal in my hands for a moment before I smiled.
“No,” I laughed. “You know what? This is exactly what I need.” I smiled and retreated to the far corner of the room. He pulled back the covers and attempted to sleep. He didn’t show it, but I knew inside he was glowing. He had succeeded in taking care of me yet again.
I can’t remember exactly when that had become his role in my life. But it was here now, and I appreciated the sentiment.
I turned to the first page in the journal he had given me. It was filled with random doodles. All alien related from what it seemed. I had to chuckle a little. He would never change. You could dress him up however you wanted, and while that outer stonewall persona he always put up would change to everyone’s tastes he would always be the same underneath it all.
Judging from the first three pages, I figured all of his time with the journal had been spent brooding over his alien dilemma. The next page proved me wrong. Taped to the pages was a picture of us at the mall together some time ago. And sketched next to it was the same picture, only… it looked as if we had changed. We looked older. I picked up the pen and began to write below both pictures.
God… it’s not how I wanted this.
If only something could have been different.
If only you could have saved me…
Pre-this, Pre-shooting…
Pre-Life.
Last edited by anotherdestinyinc on Sat Oct 30, 2004 2:27 pm, edited 3 times in total.
I slammed the door behind me, trying to block out the yelling for once. But the voices stayed with me. He’d yell… then she’d yell louder… It’s like it never stopped. “… As long as we both shall live,” that’s the vow taken when married. My parents must have missed that memo. If it wasn’t the laundry, it was dinner. He’d yell about the business, and she’d bitch about romance. Lately it was getting worse.
Last night all I had wanted to do was crawl in a corner and cry. But I couldn’t. Maybe it was my damn stubbornness to let not anything go. Or maybe it was the fact that I felt I always needed to be the strong one, given that everyone else around me was falling apart. But whatever the reason… the tears never came. Like my heart would never find relief.
I was just glad for a couple hours away. Even if it was summer school and I was supposed to hate it with a passion. It was an escape from life. It’s weird that I only now realized this. If I had seen it a few months ago, I would have tried—applied myself. I wouldn’t be repeating the eighth grade.
I told Maria I had found a summer job as a tutor. She didn’t need to know how out of control my life had gotten. She was barely hanging on as it was. Amy DeLuca had started her own business, and all the money they had was invested in the store. Not too mention her father had chosen this very month to stop paying child support. From what I had over heard, if things didn’t get better soon, Maria and her mom would be out on the streets.
Maria and I didn’t talk about it—it would have been too much for her spirit. Because as strong a person as she seemed, she was so fragile. She wouldn’t admit it, but I knew. I always invited Maria over to dinner at the Crashdown. At least she would be guaranteed one meal of the day.
I walked the familiar streets of the small town and sighed, the city was becoming more active since school had let out last week. Gone were the quiet streets and the sounds of screaming kids from the playground could be heard all over Roswell. I could only grumble bitterly as I passed the playground.
Had it only been five years since that was me on the playground. Running around with Maria and Alex close behind. It seemed like lifetimes ago. Although the memory was vivid in my mind, I could hardly imagine a life where I was happy, a life where my parents were happy. And maybe they never were and I was just too young—too ignorant—to see it. (Don’t I know how that goes! As long as you put in the write punctuation, or that little slash, it sounds perfectly fine. Does it still not look right?)
“Hey stranger,” I heard Alex’s familiar voice from behind me. I turned towards him and had to smile. I saw the same kid I had always seen since fifth grade. So warm and welcoming through only one smile. Just substitute a skateboard for the guitar he now had permanently attached to his body and nothing had changed.
“What are you planning?” I grinned, waiting to hear his newest I’m-gonna-be-a-rock star plan. Alex was nothing if not determined, and it was a trait I deeply admired. I lost that quality somewhere in the last few years, along with my innocence.
“Recruiting members for my band. I got to thinking about Roswell’s music scene, or lack there of, and I saw opportunity. This town could really be great for the whole garage band scene…” His eyes lit up as he spoke about his passion.
“Alex…” I put my hand down laughing lightly as I listened to him get carried away. “Alex, you know I’m all for supporting your whole rock star dream and all, but…”
“Summer school awaits.” He nodded sympathetically. “I understand.” He started to walk with me in the direction of school.
“Yeah.” I leaned against him, tired of my classes already.
“It will all go fine. And before you know it, you’ll be free to roam with the rest of us.” I knew he was trying to make me feel better, but it just wouldn’t work. Not today.
“Assuming I make it that far. Listen,” I reached out and forced him to stop and look at me. “I haven’t told Maria any of this, I said I was going to be a tutor…”
“Don’t worry. I won’t say anything.” He cut me off before I could finish. “For the record though, I think you should tell her… let her help you.”
“Do we still have a date? Crashdown after school?” I asked casually, changing the subject as we began walking again.
“I’m sure I can schedule you in somewhere.” He laughed; we both knew his social calendar wasn’t anywhere near full.
It was a ritual to share an Alien Blast every day after school. It was the one tradition we shared that had remained steady through all the chaos. It was over an Alien Blast that I had finally revealed to Alex how shattered my home had become. In the last few months it had become Alex’s chance to practice his skills by playing psychologist with me as his patient, in what he liked to call ‘sessions’.
“Guess this is my cue to leave,” Alex nodded towards the school building in front of us. I hadn’t even realized we were near the school, and now that I saw the building I was terrified to go inside. I searched my mind for any valid excuse that would get me out of class, but nothing came up.
I walked up the steps of the Roswell Junior High and all thoughts of Alex, Maria, and my parents diminished as I reached for the schedule I had received in the mail. Five classes to repeat: Algebra, Spanish, Geography, English, and Communication Arts. I sighed as I put the schedule away. Had it been from relief to be away or pure exhaustion, I wasn’t sure. I hadn’t been sleeping well, and the purple circles present under my eyes only emphasized the fact.
I walked the halls of the now empty school and headed to my assigned Algebra room. I sat in the back of the class and watched everybody come in. Most of them seemed like regulars to summer school and they were already comfortable with the environment. Only twelve students were repeating Algebra with me. I counted as they all walked into the room; Three jocks, one cheerleader, six kids from the BD department (Behavior Disorder) and two kids I didn’t recognize.
I could feel each of their gazes set on me and I had to look away to keep from crying. Life wasn’t supposed to be like this for me. I was a good kid, smart kid. I made honor roll and I had friends. I stared at the wall, refusing to let a single tear slip. I felt lonely as I looked around at all the unfriendly faces. ‘You’re not here to make friends,’ I scolded myself. ‘You’re here to get the grade, and get out.’
“Mr. Guerin. See you’ve decided to try and pass eighth grade.” I looked to the door as the teacher talked. There he was, Michael Guerin, the most secretive boy in all of Roswell. He was hot, no doubt about it. Maria liked to call guys like him ‘lost-causes,’ because according to her, it was unfortunate that such a hot body is wasted with such horrible qualities. She said that Michael was rude, uncivilized and poorly bathed. But that didn’t change the fact that I, Liz Parker, was secretly obsessed. While he might have been the biggest jerk in the school, I wanted nothing more than to uncover the mystery that was Michael Guerin.
“Cops made up some dumb law that I can’t drop out until I’m 16.” He said, completely careless to the fact that he was 30 minutes late to class. Last year he had been in my Science class, and he had only ever shown up to class a total of three days. It was obvious that the teacher already knew Michael because she didn’t say anything more. It was a miracle to simply get him in the door.
Michael took a seat towards the back, right behind me. “Elizabeth Parker.” I could feel his warm breath on my neck but I refused to move. “To what do I owe this privilege?” I could picture that smart-ass grin, but I couldn’t be sure without turning around. And I was not turning around.
*
Three classes later, Michael turned up in my English class. This time opting for a seat beside me and falling asleep within the first five minutes. I couldn’t say that his behavior surprised me much—he was never an enthusiastic student, but his actions still annoyed the hell out of me. ‘How could one person care so little?’ I thought, but I soon scolded myself ‘you said yourself it was all just a façade’.
It was only when Mr. Claymore passed out our reading list that Michael came to. Suddenly extremely interested in the class.
“Claymore, buddy…” Vinny stood up, book list in tow. “ Ulysses is like an epic. It’s got to be a thousand pages long.” The jock stood beside a few of his friends, trying to persuade the teacher into changing his mind.
“Cat in the Hat more your level?” Michael smirked in the jocks general direction. The entire class, all fifteen of us, laughed. Amused at Vinny’s sudden loss for words. When the class had settled down, another girl raised her hand.
“Isn’t Ulysses like, college level?” She rolled her eyes and smacked her gum loudly.
“Seven hundred and eighty three pages, high school level reading… It’s a list kids. You only have to read two of the books listed.” I glanced over at Michael to see him crossing off the list we had just received.
“What are you doing?” I shook my head, not expecting a human response. (Why doesn’t she?)
“Crossing off all the one’s I’ve read.” He said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. I leaned over again to look at his list.
“But you’ve crossed all of them off.” I said with a roll of my eyes, unbelieving. He only shrugged at my comment. After one final cross of the list, Michael handed it to me. Among the titles he had crossed off were Of Mice and Men, the Great Gatsby, Frankenstein, and some other classics. Only one title remained and it was circled Ulysses. “So you’re gonna read Ulysses?” I handed him back the list.
“That’s the plan.”
*
It had been bugging me since I’d left English. I didn’t get it. If Michael was so smart, why was he repeating English? I understood Algebra—from what I could tell he didn’t know the difference between and X and a Y. But he’d already read so many American classic novels. How could he fail English?
As fate would have it Michael was yet again in my class. The only classes in which he wasn’t present were Spanish and Geography. This time around though, due to an assigned seating chart, Michael sat two rows away from me. I had gotten the feeling that he’d been staring at me all throughout class, but I didn’t want to turn around and check.
The Communication Arts class was by far the dumbest class I had to retake. I had only failed by .3% but anal Mrs. Hoffman had refused to pass me. It was only an elective, but the school had not let the credit slide past. The class was mostly group work and projects, but that didn’t make the day go by any faster.
The teacher explained that we would have four projects to turn in for the class. They would be our only grades for the class. She continued to lecture us for a good twenty minutes on the importance of the projects before she explained what our first project would be.
She began to call of names that she had chosen for groups and I rolled my eyes. It was bad enough she was making us work in groups instead of alone, but she was also too anal to let us pick our own partners.
“Parker and Guerin, you’ll be our only group of two.” The teacher looked up from her paper. “Is that all right?” Michael and I just looked at each other—he was clearly not amused. (How does she feel about it?)
*
"So when are we going to work on this project?" I turned to him as we were leaving.
"I don't see why I need this dumb-ass class anyway," He looked away from me—doing his best to appear tough. He towered over me and he had that dangerous look in his eyes—but I didn’t see it. I knew he couldn’t be as hard as he looked.
“You need the credit to graduate.” I reminded him with a roll of my eyes.
“Who needs high school anyway?” He turned his back to me, trying to prove his point, but he didn’t mean it. I think he just liked to disagree with me.
“You need to grow up sometime or later.” I said more to myself than to him. (Why is she saying this more for herself?)
(Re-wording)“I’ve had enough acting mature… I’m fine here.” I had heard him but it was so out of character I was thrown off.
“What?”
“Nothing… so you’re place.” He said more as a statement than a question.
“Um… Can’t we go to your house?” I couldn’t bring him to my house. My parents would probably yell the entire time and—No. It had to be his house.
“No.” He said with that damn stubborn smirk of his.
“Fine. Be at the Crashdown at four.” I sighed. He walked away without another word.
*
“So you’re telling me that you have to do a video project with the creepiest kid in town?” Alex and I sat at the Crashdown with our usual Alien Blast.
“He’s not creepy… just a little weird.” I defended, though I couldn’t deny myself that while he did have some strange qualities, you couldn’t call him creepy.
“Oh… OK.” Alex emphasized. I had to smile at what he was inferring.
“Michael and I don’t have a future. I may think that he’s cute… and intriguing. But I’m really not up for this massive mystery with my state of mind.” I placed my hand on the table to emphasize the point. Knowing for sure that I’d already given away my cover with such a bad lie.
“On the contrary, I think a mystery is exactly what you want. Something to take your mind off something.” Alex wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. It was good to get back to a normal conversation, about crushes and school. As much as I appreciated and needed them, the long talks about my mental state were beginning to drive me mad.
“Hey, can we take the doctor glasses off and can I have my best friend back?” I crossed my arms, trying to appear pissed off.
“He’d say the same thing.” Alex smirked, eyeing another booth. When I turned around to see what he was looking at I laughed. The one and only Isabel Evans was there.
“Well that’s great.” I snorted. “You lecturing me on Michael when we both know you are harboring feelings for another creepy kid…”
“Isabel isn’t creepy, she’s perfect.” Alex said in a slight daze. If there was one thing he loved as much as music, it was Isabel.
“Which makes her creepy. Think about it, whose hair is that perfect all the time? I’m telling you something’s up with her.” I whispered the last to him, trying to emphasize the point.
“Been talking to Maria lately?” He eyed me.
“She’s right.” I laughed. Maria always had a tendency to be over-dramatic. Most of the time, her paranoia tended to be contagious.
“And what if I told her about Michael?” Alex raised his eyebrows, eager to get off the subject of Isabel.
“I don’t like Michael. I’m just interested in what’s beneath all that.” I shrugged, trying not to blush under his suspicious eyes.
“It sounds more like an infatuation to me.” He leaned back in his chair; acting as if her was done eating but I knew it was merely so he could get a better look at the girl seated behind me.
“If I knew the exact definition of that word I’d be outraged.” I joked, trying to pull my hopeless friend back into reality.
“What happened to the smartest girl in school?” He asked, eyes fixed on me intensely. I was forced to look away.
“Real life.” I sighed, ending the teasing on both sides with my serious response. All around us the restaurant still buzzed, but we remained silent. Just taking everything in.
*
Michael finally showed up at the Crashdown fifteen minutes late without apologies. But I wasn’t surprised. He had to keep up the demeanor of indifference. I could feel his gaze on my bare midriff and I couldn’t help but blush as I pulled my top down lower, begging it silently to stay down.
I took a quick survey of the restaurant and noted that both my parents would be busy for at least another couple hours. All the tables were full of kids, families, and a few tourists wanting cool treats to combat the 102-degree and rising weather. Dad was on the grill cooking and Mom was waiting tables. The apartment would be quiet and empty.
“Why don’t we go upstairs? It’ll be quieter.” I smiled, trying to appear calm, when inside my nerves were causing me to shake. What was it about him that made me so nervous? I wasn’t scared, or at least I didn’t think that he was dangerous. But every time he came near me, it was as if every cell could feel his presence and started moving at a rapid speed. ‘Science Nerd,’ I laughed at myself.
I lead Michael upstairs and out onto the balcony that was attached to my room. The small fan Dad had hooked up earlier helped with the heat, but did nothing for my sweaty palms. I sat against the brick wall, but Michael couldn’t stop pacing. Only adding to my anxiety.
“What do we have to do for this?” He asked me without even glancing my way.
“Did you listen at all during class?” I sighed as I pulled the worksheet from my backpack.
“Can we just get this over with?” Michael shook his head; frustrated.
“Fine. We’ll start.” I gave him my most annoyed look. “We have to make a video.”
“What kind of video?” He sneered back at me. The heat only enhanced our emotions, which in our current state wasn’t good. By the time we stopped giving death glares at one another he had another question to ask. “What does that have to do with Communication Arts?”
“I’d tell you, but you probably wouldn’t listen.” He grunted and finally sat down. “We have to portray real life through the video, and act out how both of us would act in the following situation.”
“What type of situation?”
“More like situations… we were given this entire scenario of our ‘life’. Married, no kids, both working…” I explained though I could tell he had stopped listening.
“So for Communication Arts—a speech class may I add—we are to pretend that we are married and have jobs and stuff? How is this helping us?” He ranted, though it was more focused on his lack of enthusiasm to make the video than the relevance of the project itself. For Michael being such a private and closed off guy, he was such an open book to me.
“Communication Arts is more of a life lessons class.” I rolled my eyes.
“So I’m married to you. What do we have to do?” Michael looked across the small space—his stare uncomfortable. I, yet again, pulled down my tank top to cover what I could.
“We just have to fill out this packet of questions, and then shoot a scene for every topic listed. Not really a big deal.” I stared at the paper, trying to avoid his eyes.
“What kind of questions?” He said, resorting back to his carefree attitude.
“Let’s see…” I skimmed the page and ended up skipping the first three questions, which asked our names and status. I could fill those out later. I skipped ahead to question five. “What are each of your jobs?”
“Let me guess… teacher. You want to help make a difference in someone’s life.” He mocked.
“No,” I glared. He knew how to push my buttons, and he did. Every chance he got it amused him. “When I was little I used to want to be a ballerina. But that doesn’t really seem possible anymore.” I sighed.
“Can’t dance?” He said with that smart-ass grin. The one I couldn’t figure out if I hated or liked. I opened my mouth to retaliate but decided against it.
“So what did you use to want to be?” He was staring at the sky, thinking about something. He was silent for a long time; it seemed as if he was debating telling me something.
“An astronaut.” He said softly, still staring at the sky. I wasn’t sure if I should take him seriously or not. He was such a private guy and just didn’t talk about personal things.
“An astronaut.” I raised my eyebrows. “Right…” I nodded, deciding he was probably lying.
“Forget it. Just write down Slurpie Heaven. We both know that’s where I’ll end up.” He turned away from the sky and looked at me, smirk in tow.
“That or jail.” I said sensing his joking tone. He just laughed.
“Just get me out of Roswell and we’ll be OK.” He said seriously.
“Is Michael Guerin actually having a conversation?” I smiled, pretending to be shocked.
“Well, I figure if the Elizabeth Parker was going to be talking to us common folk, I better take advantage.” I just rolled my eyes and played along.
“And how exactly do you plan on taking advantage Mr. Guerin?” I tried my best to sound seductive.
“Well seeing as how you’re on Roswell’s hottest top ten list… I think you know how I’d take advantage.” He stood up and I mirrored his actions.
“I am.” I nodded, not believing a single word he said. I should have slapped him for what he was inferring, but I liked it, liked him.
“Hell yeah!” He chuckled. “Next to Isabel Evans, Mandy Freeman, and that damn Kyle Valenti.”
“Of course.” I nodded, trying to be self-confident. It took all the will power I had to stop my cheeks from turning crimson red.
“It’s The List…” He looked at me, completely serious. “Everybody knows The List.” He held my gaze for a moment before he smiled. “But I think that Isabel should be off the list.” I could only smile, unable to keep his level of seriousness.
“Then who would be your number one, Mr. Guerin?” I felt a strange energy all around us. It was like a magnet that wouldn’t shut off until we were together. Michael felt it too. He had to have. It was so strong, he leaned into me, and we were so close. I closed my eyes when I felt his breath on my face.
The energy suddenly got really intense and I felt like a burst of wind had hit me… and I was in his arms. He was kissing me fiercely without any mercy. It wasn’t soft or romantic, and my lips would probably be bruised in the morning, but it was still perfect. Perfect in a way nothing else in my life was.
When I opened my eyes he was still standing in front of me and he hadn’t moved. I felt his intense gaze and felt the heat in my cheeks from embarrassment. It had only been my imagination. Very vivid, very real, but imagination none-the-less. It was a fantasy I never knew I had, and one I would never forget. He leaned in closer and I wanted so desperately to act out that fantasy, to take him and just…
“Kyle Valenti.” It was as if a power switch had been turned off. The mood was completely shot, and I was left there confused, wanting.
He headed to the balcony, my mind raced with excuses, ways to make him stay. When my mouth finally moved, he had already reached the street.
“What about the project?” I sounded desperate, and I knew I did. But it didn’t really matter anymore. All that mattered was that he stayed.
“We have a week, don’t we?” He called over his shoulder, not even turning around.
“Well… yeah. But…” No matter how much pleading I did, or what excuse I made, he was already gone.
“Meet me here at five tomorrow.” He gave me one last glance before he continued walking. And I was left with my own un-pure thoughts as I watched him turn the corner. I was alone again.
I lay on the bed tired and frustrated. The voices from the café below were the only sounds disrupting the otherwise silent apartment. I shut the window blocking any further distractions. My mind was still spinning from the encounter with Michael fifteen minutes ago. He had wanted me, or at least I had gotten that impression. He had to of felt the pull, the force of pure desire between us. I was too strong to ignore, but he had. He’d simply turned everything off and flat out left me.
‘You’re not even in high school yet,’ I scolded myself. ‘Already talking about desires and lust.' I was ready to get out my journal when I heard the door open. Maria’s laugh filled the apartment, and within seconds Alex and Maria were at my door. They were both wearing their swimsuits and carrying water guns.
“Hey, get changed,” Maria took a seat at my desk. “We’re supposed to be there in like ten minutes.” She immediately began shuffling through pictures. ‘I have to remember to keep my school stuff hidden,’ I reminded myself. I couldn’t have Maria finding out I was repeating eighth grade.
“I’ll just wait in the hall,” Alex left to leave my space to change.
The kids in Roswell had a tradition every summer. For the past eight or nine years, the boys and girls would have a water war. It began the first Monday night of summer, and lasted days. Ending whenever all of the girls had given up and stopped playing.
The boys planned weeks in advance for this. Buying the best water guns and putting together military like strategies on how to win. The girls had yet to win, and judging on what she’d heard from the boys, they were not going to this year.
“How was tutoring?” Maria asked me while I looked for my bathing suit.
“It was alright,” I sighed. I hated lying to her. She was my best friend, and I trusted her with everything. I just couldn’t let her know I was falling apart. Alex and I were the only thing holding her together, and if she couldn’t depend on me whom could she depend on?
“Just alright? Who are you tutoring?” she asked casually, walking across the room to pick up my bathing suit from under the bed. I smiled in relief and took it from her.
“Who am I tutoring?” I asked, trying to remain careless. My palms were sweating and my heart was racing. I had become a great liar in the past two years, but I had never gotten used to the guilt I felt every time that I lied to my friends.
“Yeah… anybody hot?” she continued to talk as she pushed me into the bathroom to get changed. I closed the door slightly, leaving it open enough so she could still hear me.
“Um… Michael Guerin.” I figured it was best to stay as close to the truth as possible. That way if she saw us together, she wouldn’t freak out.
“Ah, the boy who never bathes,” I pictured her rolling her eyes. “He actually showed up?”
“He had to. Otherwise he’d be repeating the 8th grade.” I quickly threw on my bathing suit and some shorts on over it.
“Still, he willingly showed up?” She laughed in disbelief.
“I think he had some convincing from social services.” I opened the door allowing Maria to see my new bathing suit. “So…” I gestured at the suit, eager to change subjects.
“Cute. Where’d you get it?”
“Limited Too,” I smiled. Maria smiled back clearly wanting to say something. “What?”
“No, it’s just cute you can still fit into their clothes.” She said amused.
“Maria, what are you talking about? You’re the same size as me.” I rolled my eyes.
“Yeah, but your like 4 inches shorter than me.” She said knowing that I hated my height. I was only 5 feet tall. My mom was convinced I would grow in the next two years, but until then I stuck to platform shoes.
“Hey… I’m still growing.” I tried to defend myself but only ended up laughing when Maria mocked me.
“Ladies,” Alex called annoying. “I’m all for the girl talk. But if you’re done changing, we need to get going.”
*
The kids lined the street, girls on the park side and boys on the store side. Many of the boys wore bandanas around their head, much like Rambo, and were prepared with the season’s newest water guns. The water war was a serious event for the boy’s team. The girls on the other hand were much more concerned with having the season’s newest swimsuit than a water gun.
There was the occasional high school kid, but most of them were elementary and junior high students. But more out of place than a high school kid was Isabel Evans and her friends lined on the corner with towels and the latest issue of Cosmo. They refused to play because they didn’t want to get wet, but they came anyways. Kyle Valenti and all of the popular boys would be playing, shirtless.
I laughed when I saw some boys on the roof of a store above Isabel, ready to dump a bucket of water over the girls. Maria and I walked over to some of our friends from school. I could see Michael standing outside Jays’ Ice Cream Shoppe with Max Evans, wearing jeans and a t-shirt. He clearly wouldn’t be playing tonight, not that he ever had. I was disappointed though, I could still feel his lips on mine from the kiss that never was. I could still fell the electricity. And the water war would have been the perfect excuse to get close to him.
“Who are we staring at?” Maria looked in Michael’s direction trying to see what had my attention.
“Oh, um…” I mumbled not knowing what to say. “Is that Michael?” I ask pretending I didn’t know.
“Guerin? Shocking huh?” She said in mock surprise. “He’s here with Max, who in turn is probably here to stare at you. I wouldn’t get too excited.”
“Excited?” I stepped back shocked. She couldn’t know that I liked him, could she?
“Yeah. Take in his wardrobe; he’s not here to socialize. He’s here because Max, the leader, is here.” She rolled her eyes clearly annoyed I didn’t get her point sooner.
“I don’t care if Michael plays or not. I just figured this wasn’t Michael’s thing.” I turned my back to Michael trying to get any image of him out of my mind.
“It’s not. Now can we move on?” She sighed over dramatically.
*
I ran threw the parking lot of the grocery store and continued on through the park. The West twins were chasing me down with water guns and some balloons. I caught a glimpse of Michael out of the corner of my eye and I ran over to him. Thankful when the boys began to chase another girl.
“You’re not playing?” I asked. Max was nowhere in sight.
“Kind of childish, don’t you think?” He glared. He seemed jealous, and maybe he was. But there was nothing stopping him from participating.
“You’re still here,” I pointed out. If he had not wanted to be here, he would already be gone. Right? Kids ran around screaming and chasing each other with water. I hardly noticed, but I think Michael did. He was starting at a group of elementary aged children.
“It’s all you have left,” He said seriously.
“Yeah, we won’t have this next year,” I sighed.
“I never did,” He was standing right in front of me, but his mind was somewhere else. I wasn’t sure what he’d expected me to do after that. Was I supposed to comfort him? Be silent? Leave? I raised my water gun to his chest; he was oblivious to any of my actions.
“What the hell?” He yelled after I sprayed him.
“I’m giving you a memory,” I told him handing over my gun. He needed it more than I ever would.
“A memory,” He looked at me rolling his eyes.
“If you don’t have these memories as a kid, all you’ll remember is the crappy stuff.” I explained, hoping he would play and not blow me off again. My confidence could only take so much.
“That’s sweet, Parker,” He said mockingly, then drenched me with water.
“You can’t get me with my own gun!” I screamed pretending to be angry. His only response was to spray me again. I laughed and ran away, as Michael chased me.
Michael followed me up and down the street yelling quotes from various war movies. I was cute actually. I didn’t enjoy being on the receiving end with no way to retaliate, but it was cute. In the five years I’d known Michael, he’d never acted like this before.
He chased me all the way to the playground, where most of the kids were. Isabel and her friends were still sitting on the corner, too cool to play. Only now they were soaked and I could see Max talking to Isabel. I could only hear pieces of what they were saying. Kids were still screaming in the background, and I ways a little preoccupied with Michael still after me like a mad man.
“Is that Michael? Playing?” I vaguely heard from Max.
“I’m worried.” I heard Isabel say more clearly. I didn’t have much time to think about what they’d said in any depth because I was suddenly hit with a water balloon. I turned around and saw Kyle Valenti laughing a few feet away. I would have chased him down, but Michael currently had my gun. Kyle threw another balloon, only this time I moved out of the way and Michael was hit. His playful expression turned serious, and he began pumping the gun. Imitating, what I could only assume was, another movie.
I laughed at his antics. Boys will be boys. I sighed. Michael ran at him. Kyle hurried off yelling, “I’m on your side!”
“Yep, that’s definitely Michael.” I heard Isabel and Max laugh a few feet away.
Michael and I, along with the rest of the town’s children played well into dark. And it was only after Sheriff Valenti came out and told us all to go home, that we stopped throwing water balloons at each other. Alex was sleeping over at Maria’s house across town, so we parted ways at the park. I would have preferred to go over to Maria’s rather than go home to a screaming household, but with summer school it just wasn’t an option.
*
I awoke to the sound of yelling. I groaned when the clock read 5:45 AM. Dad should have already been downstairs working. The Crashdown opened in fifteen minutes. I knew they were arguing about me, lately that had become their favorite topic. Dad wanted to send me to therapy, but Mom would yell saying I wasn’t crazy. She blamed him for my ‘problems’. None of them could realize that if they’d only stop yelling at each other, I’d have all the therapy I’d need.
I glanced at the clock, and only a minute had passed. I knew I was in from a long day. I heard the door slam a few moments later and the sudden silence was deafening. My dad had to be the one who left, the Crashdown opened in less than 10 minutes, and slamming doors had become his trademark. Which meant my mom would be left on the couch crying. Wasn’t love supposed to be so much better than this?
I quickly showered and changed for the day. I threw on some shoes and opened the window. I grabbed my purse and books, realizing I wouldn’t be returning before school started. I made sure to close my window quietly and snuck down the ladder attached to my balcony.
“Making an escape?” I heard below me and looked down to see Kyle, water gun in hand.
“Games don’t start until 11, Valenti.” I smirk.
“We’re not known for following the rules.” He raised his eyebrows and his gun. I just grabbed the end of the toy and pointed it away from my dry body. He didn’t care enough to put up a fight.
“I follow the rules, just not yours.” I sighed annoyed. He just laughed.
“Parents at it again?” He nodded above to my balcony. I nodded.
“I had to escape.” I sighed. Kyle was the only person besides Alex who knew about my parents. His mom left a couple months ago, and he knew where I was coming from. His parents used to fight all the time and Kyle would come into the Crashdown, or go to the park, to get away from it all. I wouldn’t ever call Kyle a good friend, but he was cool to talk to every once in awhile.
“Understandable. Want to get something to eat?” He nodded down the street, away from the Crashdown.
“Are you going to call it a date?” I smiled knowingly. Kyle had been trying to get me to go out with him for almost a year. It wasn’t that I didn’t like Kyle. He was an awesome person; I just didn’t like the crowd he hung out with. I knew that he partied on the weekends, and I didn’t want that for myself.
“Would you say yes?” He gave me his flirtatious smile.
“No.” I shook my head smiling.
“Well then, I’m asking you as a friend.” He grabbed me before I could respond and lead me down the street. The sidewalks were filled with adults in business suits, coffee and briefcase in hand. Kyle and I were the only kids awake from what I could tell. But than again it was only six thirty. No normal kid is awake at that time.
“We know what I’m doing up this early, but what are you doing?” I looked at him, and for the first time noticed the dark circles under his eyes and his disheveled hair.
“Last night was my Mom and Dad’s Fifteenth wedding anniversary. Or at least it would have been.” He rolled his eyes. I just cringed.
“How are you?” I put my hand on his chest to stop Kyle from going any further. We were close to the bakery, and something told me that we shouldn’t have this discussion inside.
“Oh, I’m great. I mean, my mom just left, hasn’t even called me in a year. Though she promised me she would stay in touch. My dad got drunk and is in need of serious AA courses. Some doctor called, talking about how my grandpa’s going crazy and needs more medication. I didn’t sleep a wink because I was too busy making sure that my dad stayed away from his gun collection or anything sharp… but yeah. I’m good.” He said sarcastically. I could only nod and pray my eyes weren’t bulging from the shock of it all.
“Kyle, wait here.” I walked into the bakery and bought two doughnuts and two hot chocolates. We didn’t need to be drinking coffee, though the caffeine high would probably help. I walked back outside and handed Kyle one of the cups and began walking to the park.
“Listen, Liz… I didn’t mean to just dump all of that on you. It just sort of…”
“Came out? It’s alright.” I led him to one of the many empty benches. The park was empty, and would be for another hour or two. “So your mom hasn’t called?”
“No. And I keep telling myself that I don’t care. That even if she did, it wouldn’t change anything. It wouldn’t change that she left me.” He reached for the bag and pulled out a doughnut, obviously grateful for a distraction.
“Kyle she didn’t leave you… she just left the situation.” I tried to sound comforting but the situation was beginning to scare me. Would my mom just decide to leave one day? I could just picture me Kyle’s situation, crying to Alex or Maria about how screwed up my parents had become.
“What the hell is that supposed to mean, anyways? My dad always says that. That she didn’t leave me… But she did. If she really wanted me she could have fought to take me with her. But she left. It doesn’t matter why she left. She left.” He glared and me. I tried not to take it personally; he was just letting out his frustrations. He wasn’t really angry with me.
“Kyle, maybe you should talk to your dad about this.” I attempted to reach out and comfort him, but he just swatted my hand away.
“Because that would work. Listen, thanks for listening. But I should probably let you get off to summer school.” He stood up.
“How did you know?” I stared at him freaked out.
“Vinny told me.” He held his hands up before I could protest. “I told him to keep it a secret. That you had enough going on already.”
“Thanks.” I managed a small smile.
“So I guess this means I’m smarter than Lizzie Parker.” He joked lightening the mood.
“Appreciate it while it lasts, next year I’ll kick your ass again.” I laughed with him, glad to see him smiling again.
“I believe it.” He laughed. “Hey,” He called after me as I was turning to leave.
“Yeah?” I turned back around to face him.
“Don’t let your parents screw up your life. You only get one.” He smiled.
Michael had been MIA all day. When he wasn’t in Algebra I figured that he’d just slept in. But then he never showed up for English, and with only ten minutes left in Communication Arts it was obvious he wasn’t going to show up at all.
Michael and I still needed to work on our project. If he hadn’t shown up for school, I doubted he’d show up at the Crashdown to work on a project he didn’t care about. I groaned in frustration when the bell rang. I was not going to do this project alone, and even if I had wanted to…he had to be in the video.
He’d told me yesterday, as he was running away from me, that we would meet at the Crashdown at five. However, with all the excitement that happened yesterday, I doubted he would remember when to meet me…if he even remembered at all. No, I was going to have to hunt him down if I wanted to get anything accomplished today. We only had three more days for the project, and we still had a lot to do.
I hurried out the door and was immediately attacked by some five year olds who had gotten a hold of some water balloons.
“Hey! I’m still in street clothes!” I yelled at the little boys. “Plus you got my books!”
“Hey boys, I saw a group of girls trying to infiltrate the forts. Go take care of ‘em for me.” Alex got rid of the boys for me.
“Thanks,” I smiled, grateful.
“No problem, so we still on for today?” he asked as we started to walk towards my house.
“Today?” I raised my eyebrows, confused.
“Four o’clock…Alien Blast…tradition…anything ringing a bell?” He looked at me, concerned.
“Oh! I’m sorry Alex, I completely forgot.” I bit my bottom lip. I felt horrible. How could I have forgotten about our date?
“So that’s a no,” he looked down at the sidewalk so that I couldn’t see his true reaction, but I could tell enough from his voice. He was hurt, if not a little angry.
“I don’t know. Michael and I were supposed to finish up that project. He never showed up today though.” I ran my hands through my hair, trying to figure out what I should do.
“Figures,” Alex rolled his eyes.
“Why does everybody just assume that he’s a flake?” I looked at him, suddenly on the defensive.
“Don’t you?” He smiled, knowing exactly what my answer would be. He loved being right.
“No…well I guess I do. But I mean, he can be so much…” I started to explain that Michael had potential. That he didn’t always have to be such a jerk and a flake.
“'Can' being the key word there, Liz.” Alex interrupted me. “Now listen, I didn’t mean to start any wars or anything. We’re all a little preoccupied with the one already going on. So why don’t you go home, get into some dry clothes and go find Michael? I’ll meet you at the Crashdown by 8:30 for that Alien Blast.”
“Thanks Alex. You’re the best.”
“That’s what everybody keeps telling me,” he smiled and started for the park again. “Oh and Liz?” He called after me.
“Yeah?” I questioned.
“Don’t expect to get off tonight without a serious talk about Michael,” he smirked. I just shook my head and laughed. Alex knew something was up between us and I knew that I wouldn’t be able to escape without explaining everything in excruciating detail. I was in for a long night.
*
I turned off towards the trailer park and the pavement street turned into dirt and gravel. The neighborhood was in the less affluent part of town and was in desperate need of renovation. I tried not to appear afraid or disgusted. This was where Michael lived, after all, and I didn’t want to offend him.
I walked past a few of the homes and sighed. This seemed like such a better idea fifteen minutes ago. Now that I was here though, with no actual address, I wasn’t getting anywhere. I would have asked somebody if they knew where Michael lived, but nobody seemed to be outside. I heard a few screams from behind me and turned around, suddenly scared. When I saw a young girl chasing a boy with a water gun I laughed at my stupidity. The water war was still on, all the kids were probably at the park and all the parents were still at work.
I turned to leave realizing that the likelihood of finding Michael was slim. ‘Damn You Michael Guerin.’ I threw my arms up in annoyance. He was like a shadow I couldn’t get rid of for the most part, always around. And ironically, now that I actually needed to find him, he was nowhere to be found.
I turned around and headed back towards the main road. Michael and I were not going to be working on our project today. I got about three blocks when I started to hear it. Somebody was calling my name. I turned around and saw Michael on the other side of the street walking in the opposite direction. I stopped and waited for him to come over to me, but after a moment or two I realized that he wasn’t going to come. So I quickly hurried across the street.
“Parker, what are you doing on this side of town?” he looked at me, amused, and with good reason. Dressed in Gap jeans and a tank top that Grandma Claudia had given me, I certainly wasn’t from the area.
“Looking for your sorry ass,” I smiled back, letting him know I was joking.
“Well you found me,” he said in that slightly annoyed, yet careless attitude I hated. I smirked, irritated.
“Where were you today?” I asked, trying not to let his rudeness get to me.
“Around,” That was all he had to say. No explanations, not even a classic ‘none of your business. Just around’.
“Wow, any more detail and you might hurt yourself.” I said sarcastically.
“What’s up your ass Parker?” he snapped, suddenly acting offended. ‘If I recall, he was the first one to give attitude.’ I rolled my eyes.
“Gee, I don’t know Michael. Could it be that I’m stuck working on a project with you that’s worth a quarter of our grade? And you can’t even show up for class?” I asked in a fake innocent voice. As if there were any other reason for me to be pissed off. All events from yesterday excluded.
“Shit, I completely forgot.” He looked genuinely shocked. But I wasn’t a fool, he was good at acting but I knew he hadn’t forgotten a thing. If he really had, he wouldn’t have reacted at all. All he probably would have done was shrugged at most.
“About the project or school?” I raised my eyebrows, still angry with him.
“Let’s play nicely Parker,” he scolded me.
“My name’s Liz.” I sighed, already annoyed enough as it was.
“I know. But I don’t like it.” He smiled, content.
“Good.” I looked at him, shocked. What had brought about the sudden attitude change? ‘That boy has Bi-Polar disorder or something.’ I sighed again.
“Whoa, Shorty, don’t get your panties in a bunch,” he raised his eyebrows at me and his smirk got even wider.
“Who have you been talking to?” I asked knowingly. Parker and Shorty were the two things that I hated to be called. Michael couldn’t have known that without the help of one of my friends. He just smirked, amused.
“What the hell are you smirking at?” I asked, beyond irritated. If he didn’t stop smirking I was liable to cut a certain anatomy part off.
“Nothing Parker.” He was proud of himself. He had been looking for the perfect way to push my buttons and he had found it. Now that I was fuming, he was proud of himself. ‘Bastard.’ I bit my bottom lip to stop myself from screaming at him.
“Liz. Not Parker, not Shorty, Liz.” I said through gritted teeth. He just laughed. “God, Michael, how can you be such a jackass?”
He looked at me with the same look I saw yesterday on my balcony. I think it was his look for desire, lust. How he managed to give me that look, while I was still screaming at him was beyond me. I was still furious with him, yet he looked as though he wanted nothing more than to pin me down and take me. His gaze was so intense I had to look away so he wouldn’t see me blushing.
I could feel the electricity again. I could almost hear the air around us crackle with intensity. I suddenly became very aware of my own breathing, and the only sound I could hear was the symmetric breaths from Michael and me. He leaned into me and everything started to spin, a result of his touch no doubt. And than he kissed me, it wasn’t the harsh or passionate kiss from my fantasy. It was soft and gentle and short.
“You shouldn’t have done that.” Michael pulled away abruptly. It was too short. I wanted more; the kiss hadn’t been enough to satisfy my hunger. And the kiss couldn’t have been enough to satisfy his. I’d seen it in his eyes—he’d wanted me. So why had he pulled away?
“You kissed me,” I closed my eyes again, breathless and confused as ever. The atmosphere was still spinning from the kiss. When I opened my eyes a few seconds later Michael was jogging off towards the trailer park.
*
“Michael kissed me.” I blurted out as soon as the waitress left.
“Whoa…what?” Alex looked at me, shocked by the sudden statement.
“Michael kissed me.” I repeated, unable to contain myself. I needed to talk to somebody about this.
“Alright, let’s start over, this time with explanations.” Alex waved his hands, trying to calm me down enough to explain. I told Alex about the vision that I had yesterday on the balcony. I told him about the water war, and giving Michael my gun. Then I told him about arguing with Michael and somehow ending up kissing him.
“Whoa.” He sat back after I had explained everything. I let him sit there for a minute or so, letting everything sink in.
“Yeah.” I sighed. “It’s weird though. I mean one minute we’re arguing, and I can’t stand the guy. The next he’s kissing me and I don’t want him to stop. I’m so lost.” I laid my head on the table. Exhausted from the overflow of so many contradicting emotions. Anger. Love. Contempt. Peace. Hate.
“I think the proper word for it is love.” Alex smiled, and I knew that he was happy for me.
“I don’t love Michael.” I shook my head, smiling in spite of it all. “I barley know the guy.”
“Does that really matter?” he shrugged. Alex was a true romantic. A candlelight dinner, love at first sight, white roses kind of guy.
“Yeah, it does. I don’t believe in love at first sight.” I sighed. I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to believe in love at all anymore. What with Kyle’s mom running off, Maria’s dad MIA, and my parents at each other’s throats—love didn’t sound too promising.
“Alright, fair enough.” He nodded. Understanding where I was coming from. “But you can’t deny you have feelings for the guy.”
“Yeah. Now if only we could tell what he’s feeling, we’d be set.” I leaned back in the booth, worn out.
*
“I don’t get any of this.” Michael threw down his pencil, pissed off. He was trying to finish his Algebra homework in the ten minutes we had before class started. I picked up his pencil and pulled my chair over to him. Silently I opened the book and found the page the assignment was on.
“What are you doing Parker?” he asked, amused.
“Helping you,” I said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. What else would I have been doing?
“So you understand this crap,” he concurred, nodding as if he were confirming something in his own mind. I only nodded back, figuring he’d tell me what he was thinking about soon enough.
“What I don’t understand is you’re the smartest girl in school. Why are you here?” He crossed his arms over his chest, math being the farthest thing from his mind now.
“If I was the smartest girl in school I wouldn’t be here,” I retorted, not wanting to get into the answer to his question.
“Whatever,” he grumbled, putting his guard up again.
“You’ve read practically every book ever written…I know you’re not stupid. So why’d you fail English?” I was hoping I could prevent him from building his wall again; it was hell to tear down.
“Guess we all have our own secrets, don’t we Miss Parker?” he sneered. I was actually taken back by his statement. It was so rude, and it hurt. I knew that I should have ignored him. He was a jackass to everybody and I shouldn’t care. But I did care, and maybe that’s why it hurt so badly.
“I’ll tell you what I can do for you. I’ll help you pass English. I can explain everything to you. And so you don’t feel bad or anything, I’ll let you help me with Algebra,” he proposed, making it seem like I was the one who needed the help. I rolled my eyes, but nodded anyways. I knew that Michael never would admit to needing help with anything, and this was probably as close as I would get.
“When you come over today to work on that video, you can explain ‘The Great Gatsby’ to me. Then I can help you with the Algebra homework,” I replied, making sure to mention my ‘problem’ first. I understood the book perfectly fine, but it wouldn’t do me any harm to let Michael help me.
*
“Ok, so you need to factor out a five and then factor this here with the X and the 2,” I explained slowly for the fifth time.
“Five? Two? See now you’re just making numbers up.” He threw his pencil down, frustrated.
“I’m not making anything up. Five is a common factor throughout the whole thing. So you factor it out.” I began to write the problem out again.
“Liz, just accept it ok? Math isn’t my thing. I’m never going to get it, so stop trying.” He looked at me suddenly turning bitter.
“Michael you’re not getting it, because you don’t want to get it. Would it kill you to try? Why are you so scared to succeed?” I glared at him, becoming irritated yet again.
“What?” He looked at me like I was an idiot.
“I’ve been watching you Michael. You’re smart, smarter than me. So explain to me how a boy who knows Steinbeck like the back of his hand can fail English class. Or how the most creative person at Roswell Junior High couldn’t manage to pass a Communication Arts class. Or maybe you could explain to me why you won’t even try to attempt a simple math problem. You’re scared. I don’t know why, and I’m not sure I even care. But you’re scared of succeeding. Scared of being good at something. Why? How do you not give a damn about anything?” I yelled, letting all of the frustrations from the week flow out of me. My anger at him leaving me that first day when we were about to kiss had somehow flowed into the conversation. My anger at him for playing with me and laughing with me, then just forgetting it all and blowing me off. My anger at him for treating me like crap when all I wanted was to help him.
“I give a damn about enough. Just because I don’t apply myself to please those dumb ass teachers or even you, don’t you think for a second I don’t give a damn, Elizabeth Parker. You know nothing about me,” he snarled at me.
“Then teach me. Show me what the hell you do care about, because I sure as hell can’t see it.” I threw my hands up wanting nothing more than to kill him.
“Of course you can’t, you’re too blind to see what’s right in front of your face.” Michael was gone before I could even stop him. I felt the tears fall from my cheeks and I was angry with myself.
I shouldn’t have shed a tear for him; he sure as hell never would for me.
Hey guys, I have like 10 chapters (or is it 11??) done over at the PA. I just don't want to post it all in one large block. So over the next week I'll slowly add them all on until it's caught up with the other site. Maybe something like two or three chapters every day or so.
AppleJacks, bLoOdReDeMpReSs, mrsjbehr - I'm glad that you are enjoying the story. I always enjoy the feedback.
Who knows, maybe I can get some of you to join over at Polar Attraction. As I am just now learning, Two boards... Twice the fun!
Britt
*
Chapter 4
Michael had left more than an hour ago, but I was still brooding. I was so angry at him for continually leaving me without explanation. I was angrier at myself for allowing him to treat me like crap. I had always told myself I would never allow a boy to treat me the way that my dad treats my mom. I promised myself that I would never act like either of my parents. But oh how soon it all falls away from you. It’s easy to tell somebody else how to live their life when you don’t have to live it.
It didn’t mean that I was going to be able to stop the pattern between the two of us, Michael and me. You are who you are. And giving and accepting emotional abuse seemed to be genetically programmed into me. I couldn’t help it, even if I wanted to. Maybe that’s a lie, an excuse I’ve come to rely on. But change takes effort. And its effort I don’t have.
“Red or Green?” Maria asked me, holding up some outfits. She was going through my clothes looking for something cute to wear tonight. I was too distracted to remember where it was exactly we were going.
“The latter,” I said, hoping it would fly. I hadn’t actually heard what she had said so I was forced to pretend. Maria was not one to be ignored.
“Liz, you do still want to go right?” She looked at me with concern in her eyes. I could also see the hurt that she was trying desperately to keep at bay.
“Yeah, yeah I still want to go. Sorry I’m just a little tired, that’s all.” I smiled, for Maria’s sake. I had read somewhere that when you love someone you’ll do anything for them. Whether it’d be stealing, lying… anything. It never said that when you love someone you’d do the lying to them, for them. But that was what I was doing. Regardless of what anybody said, I was only lying to Maria because I cared so much about her.
“Water war’s still on…I’m sure we could find a way to get Kyle and his friends.” She continued to put on the fake smile. The fake smile I had learned to recognize so easily, it was used to cover up pain, anger, hurt. My dad used it…hell even I used it. And now Maria—poor innocent Maria—now she was even using it.
“Is that where Alex is?” I questioned, trying desperately to get a hold of myself and concentrate on the current conversation.
“I don’t know. I know he was at the Crashdown with you today around four. But he didn’t tell me about any plans afterwards.” Maria walked over to my dresser to try on some makeup.
“Ok.” I nodded, slowly remembering everything. Alex and I had been at the Crashdown earlier, sharing an Alien Blast. Refusing to let the tradition die. He had reminded me that Maria was going to be coming over. We were to have a girl’s night out, I couldn’t, for the life of me, remember why.
“Liz, are you sure you’re alright?” She stopped what she was doing and looked over at me.
“Yeah I’m fine.” I yawned, hoping she believed that I was simply tired. That she believed nothing was wrong.
“So you do remember that this is my last night in Roswell?” She gave me a knowing look.
“What?!” I screamed at her.
“I’m leaving at noon tomorrow for camp.” Now that she mentioned it I could clearly hear Alex’s voice, “She wants to have a girl’s night out before she leaves for camp. So it’s just you and her tonight.”
“Right, band camp. I totally forgot. I’m sorry.” I bit my bottom lip, thinking of a way I could make it up to her.
“It’s a songwriter’s workshop, and I’ve only been mentioning it since April.” She glared at me, now openly angered that I had forgotten.
“I know and I feel horrible. Here, we’ll go get changed.” I pointed to the green outfit that she was holding and grabbed some matching shoes for her to wear. “We’ll go down to the water war and kidnap Alex.”
“And then what?” She took the shoes and began changing.
“We’ll go to the movies and then get ice cream, my treat!” I smiled, walking over to the closet and picking out something for myself.
“Where are you going to get the money?” She questioned. She was skeptical, but she was changing and that was all I needed to know she was going.
“Oh, I still have all of my Christmas money from Grandma Claudia.” I smiled, making a mental note to grab it before we left.
“Yeah, but weren’t you saving it?” She raised her eyebrows as she finished changing and moved to my dresser to touch up her hair and makeup.
“Yeah, for when the time was right…and the time is definitely right.” I smiled, pushing her over so I could also sit by the dresser.
“And you’re not just doing it because you feel guilty?” She stood up and began to style my hair.
“No…ok maybe a little.” I watched her through the mirror. “But hurry up, we still have to go find Alex and walk to the theatre.”
By the time Maria and I were ready it was already 7:15. We headed towards the park, assuming that Alex would be at the water war with the few guy friends he had. A few kids ran past us with their guns, but our attire clearly stated we were off limits and they kept it that way.
We first saw Alex with Lester Siningham and Nicky Foster. They were hiding in the alley watching a group of girls, planning an attack. I just laughed and pointed towards the boys. Maria laughed too. Alex had fallen to the influence of the Roswell Boys Water Army. Alex had liked to call them the R.B.W.A., and up until this moment he had always voiced his disgust with the club.
We watched the boy’s tactics as they attacked a group of sixth grade girls. They were a force to be reckoned with. Now that they had Alex, and a few more of Roswell’s finest, it appeared that the girls would not win this battle. We watched a few more minutes, and then Maria and I flagged him over.
“Ladies…what’s the occasion?” He asked, commenting on our clothing choice. Maria had on my green skirt with a white tank top that showed about 2 inches of midriff. I was wearing nice jeans with a black halter-top on. We both had our hair styled and makeup done.
“We are going out to celebrate.” I smiled at him.
“Movies and ice cream,” Maria elaborated.
“So go change.” I pointed in the general direction of his house.
“And hurry.” We laughed, overly excited about the evening.
“I thought you guys were going to do some girl stuff.” He sighed, obviously exhausted trying to keep up with the two of us.
I saw a boy out of the corner of my eye and smiled, Doug Sohn. He was Maria’s ex-boyfriend. She had dumped him as soon as summer came, and I had yet to hear the details. Doug had been, and still was, obsessed with Maria. The most Alex and I knew was that he didn’t make the final decision.
”Maria,” I said softly, gesturing to my left where Doug was. Maria sighed and walked over to Doug.
“Did she tell you any of the particulars to the breakup yet?” Alex turned to me.
“From what I can tell Doug was…” I stopped talking and screamed in shock when I felt an icy chill run down my back. A very wet icy-chill. I turned around to see Kyle and his friends holding water guns. When I heard Maria shriek, I knew they had gotten her too.
“Valenti!” Maria and I yelled simultaneously, storming over to where the group was in front of the hardware store. Before either of us could even move closer, we had a bucket of water poured on us from above. When I went to look up, the second bucket hit us.
“Ok, you know what?” Maria yelled at all of them, and I could see the look of pure rage in her eyes. “Give me this damn thing.” Maria ripped Alex’s gun out of his hands. “I got dressed up. I looked cute. I was going to go out with my friends and celebrate my last night here. Now I can’t go because I’m soaked!” She paused a moment for effect. “I’d say you better run boys.” Most of the boys bolted, and Maria chased them down the street.
*
Maria and I were currently walking through the playground searching for the boys. We had been at it for a little over an hour now. We enlisted the help of a couple other girls, and we had all managed to corner Kyle a little while ago. His water gun had run out of water and he’d still refused to surrender. I had stolen his Super-Soaker in exchange for his freedom. This had led us to the playground, the last place we had seen Vinny and Mark run to.
“I swear I’m going to kill those boys,” Maria grumbled as we walked cautiously past the forts. The boys had many hiding spots throughout the playground—the forts were one of their favorites.
“Who knows, maybe we’ll win this year,” I said, though I highly doubted we would. Many of the girls had quit after the first night, and the boys outnumbered the girls about 1:3.
“I wouldn’t bet on that, ladies.” We heard Vinny call from behind us and a group of about five guys attacked us. Maria tried to run away as did I, but it was no use. Kyle ran up and wrapped his arms around me, preventing me from fighting back.
“Now Parker, you had to know I was going to get you back,” he said dangerously close to my ear. “Boys, grab my gun.” Kyle ordered a few of the younger ones around. I looked around panicked, and saw Maria was in the same situation I was.
“Kyle…” I said in a cross between a moan and a cry. I stuck out my bottom lip to pout. With the right moves, I could talk my way out of this. “You’re not playing very nice,” I pouted. He was already so close to me, and I knew that he wanted me. I squirmed around a little bit to get him worked up. ‘Little innocent Parker.’ I thought to myself. ‘What would Mom and Dad say?’
“Now Lizzie. You wouldn’t be trying to seduce me would you?” Kyle sounded calm, unaffected. I knew it was an act though. I could feel it.
“Is it working?” I smiled knowingly.
“I’m sure we can come up with some sort of deal.” He smirked and blew a kiss at me. I started to fight him again, trying to catch him in a moment of weakness. If I could just break free, I’d be able to get out of this mess.
“Boys…” Kyle nodded, sending some sort of signal. I saw the group of boys return with various ammo, water balloons, buckets, and Super-Soakers. When they started what I assumed was our punishment, all hell broke loose.
The girls appeared from the middle of nowhere, and it was chaos. Kyle let go of me to help fight off the invaders. The girls grabbed Maria and I and began retreating. We ran around for a little while, making sure that the guys hadn’t followed us. Then we gathered in one of the few empty alleys.
“Come on guys. They win this thing every year. We can take them; god knows we’re smarter than them. We’re already wet…let’s just go for it.” I looked around at the small group of girls that had rescued Maria and me. We would hide from the boys until we came up with a plan.
“We are never going to win this thing.” One of the older girls, about seventh grade, rolled her eyes.
“Then let’s die trying. At least they won’t be able to say we gave up.” I looked back at the girl. This wasn’t about revenge anymore for me. I still wanted to get Kyle and his buddies, but it wasn’t because they soaked us. I enjoyed playing. This would be my last year, the end of my innocence. I was going to milk it for all it was worth.
“Come on guys, it’s our last year,” Maria pitched in, no longer trying to convince them of anything, but going with the begging approach. “Besides, it’s only water.”
*
Two hours, five packages of water balloons, and seven Super-Soakers later, all of the girls and boy lined the sidewalk. Girls on park side, boys on store side, just as everything had started. Kyle, being the elected captain of the boy’s team, or the R.B.W.A., walked over to the park side to discuss our surrender. It started like a war, and would end like a war. And it would continue on with the same cycle for years to come.
“Girls, Girls, Girls.” Kyle came up to us all, shaking his head. “I’m proud of you, I really am. You put up a good fight.” He smiled at all of us. “It just wasn’t good enough.” A good majority of the girls were rolling their eyes, mumbling under their breaths, and mocking Kyle.
The girls had lost, fair and square. We put up a good fight, but in the end the boys were stronger. It was worth it though, it gave all parties involved a chance to escape reality. A chance to blow off some steam, a chance to get lost in the moment, a chance to get away from family, a chance to be someone else. If only for a moment, right?
But the moment was over. We’d have another moment eventually, but we’d have to hold on to this for now. Time was calling us back to life, and we were forced to obey. We all had things we needed to get back to; summer school…parents…we all had a life. So we went, we said our goodbyes and tried not to look back.
But Maria would be gone in the morning, and I was going to miss her.
*
I heard the sound of shoes on my balcony’s ladder and didn’t bother to look up from my telescope. There was only one person who had ever used my ladder, and only one person who was above the door.
“I’m surprised you came back,” I said, still refusing to make eye contact, looking at the stars.
“I’ve been thinking.” I turned around and looked at him for the first time. He looked stressed out, tired. He sat down on my banana chair.
“About?” I rolled my eyes. He was always so vague.
“Us. You, me…this situation.” I tried not to laugh when he’d said that. It was so uncomfortable for him just admit that there was an ‘us’ to even talk about.
“And what did you come up with?” I told myself that I didn’t care; I didn’t want to hear a word he was saying. He was an ass, and I could do without all the shit that came along with him. But what I wanted more than anything was to hear his answer.
He just shrugged. Who knew that such a small movement of the body could cause such a drastic change in emotions? It was that one movement that reminded me exactly why I had to stay away. He didn’t care about me, not the way I wanted him to. He never would.
He stood up and walked over to my telescope and began star searching. “You’re into astrology?” he asked as he continued searching the sky.
“A little. Why? Is that weird?” I had convinced myself that he was here to play nice. Funny how good I was at convincing myself of lies.
“Well for a girl who needs everything to be in control…” He paused, clearly stopping to prevent an argument between the two of us. “Astrology isn’t like Chemistry. It’s this massive mystery.”
“Maybe that’s why I like it. I’m not afraid of mystery,” I said, more referring to him, not the stars. I think he understood what I was really talking about.
“Life isn’t some giant Clue game where you figure out the mystery and you win some damn prize,” he paused, thinking about how to say whatever it was he wanted to say. “Not all mysteries are meant to be uncovered, and it’s better that way. Safer that way.”
“Whatever.” I rolled my eyes and walked to the other side of the balcony. Leaning over the edge to watch the alley. Michael strode over to in two precise strides and grabbed me forcefully. Before I could even comprehend what was happening his lips were on mine. There was no electricity this time. No magnetic feeling, just two desperate lips needing the other.
It was the kiss I had imagined in my fantasy. All the drive and desire was there. He was fierce and it hurt, but it was nothing I couldn’t handle. He didn’t treat me like a porcelain doll; he treated me like a woman. When he pulled back I was gasping for air.
“You know nobody is gonna like this.” He leaned his forehead against mine and looked me straight in the eye.
“Nobody has to know.” I smiled up at him and he kissed me again. This time with more intensity, more need, if that was even possible. I pulled back again, trying to gain control over my emotions.
“We should probably work on our project.” It was stupid, I know. But it was the only distraction I could think of. I wanted a little time to sort all of my emotions out. I didn’t want to do anything I would regret in the morning. I needed to be under control, not of him. I knew that would never happen, but I needed control over myself.
“I thought we were.” The lack of oxygen was making me dizzy, and his last statement confused the hell out of me, but I didn’t care. His lips went straight to my neck and all reasoning went to hell.
“You don’t need my approval.” Alex sat back on my bed, looking through some of my pictures.
“Just tell me if you approve or not,” I sighed. I wanted his opinion on Michael and he wasn’t giving it to me. He’d just left after working on our project. Alex had dropped by to assist with the filming and it had ended up taking four hours.
“You really rely too much on other’s approval.” He looked up at me and went into therapist mode.
“So send me to therapy.” I rolled my eyes, annoyed. All I wanted was his answer. Not that it would have made a difference if he didn’t like the idea of Michael and me…it would just help settle my mind if I knew that Alex approved.
“I think that you two will be good for one another.” He smiled and went back to looking through the photos. “These are cool,” he motioned to the pictures I had taken at the water war last night.
“Yeah,” I smiled and lay down next to him. “Maria called me earlier.”
“Really? She got there ok?” He asked, slightly uninterested.
“She met some guy,” I mentioned nonchalantly, fully aware that it would get his attention.
“What?” He looked at me, incredulous with a tinge of jealousy to his tone. Not because he wanted Maria, but because he would now be the only single member of our group.
“Bill or something…he lives in Arizona. I doubt anything will happen.” I lied, hoping to cheer him up. I knew that if Maria had her way, something definitely would be happening.
“Did you tell her about your new guy?” He smirked knowingly.
“She doesn’t understand Michael, and she wouldn’t understand this.”
“Does she have to understand?” I just glared at him. “I just don’t like lying to her.”
“See, you’re gonna have to get past that whole guilt thing. We aren’t doing anything wrong.”
“I’m just waiting for this to blow up in your face.”
“Then I guess you’ll keep waiting.”
I smiled. I wasn’t doing anything wrong in not telling Maria. It didn’t mean that I was ashamed of my relationship with Michael. The two of us had simply made an agreement not to be public, and Maria would make it public. As for lying about summer school, I was doing it for her own good. I was her Wonder Women—I wasn’t allowed to fail.
*
Michael’s and my relationship was rocky at first. We would fight, then make-out, and then fight again. Neither of us was familiar with the dating game and it was awkward for a while. A couple days after we had agreed to be together, Michael and I had gone on our first date. All night all of our actions had felt forced and uncomfortable.
We decided after that not to plan dates anymore. If we felt like going somewhere, we would just go. We’d decided it was best to let everything progress naturally. And it did. Soon the arguments had lessened greatly, and the emotions intensified.
I had become comfortable in his presence and no longer felt awkward around him. We had gotten in the habit of returning to my house after school to “study.” I would help Michael with his Algebra, and Michael would in return attempt to teach me ‘Ulysses’…though I had a hard time catching onto the plot.
Alex and I continued to have our dates every day at the Crashdown. Michael would accompany me occasionally, and he was quickly becoming friends with Alex. Everything seemed to be going great, and it was, and would continue to. I was aware that Michael was still keeping secrets from me, but it didn’t matter to me. I was still keeping secrets from him as well.
We were both learning to trust each other, something that didn’t come easily to us. I think that it came easier to him than it did to me. As stupid as it was, I had a hard time trusting love. I wanted, more than anything, to fall in love. To have somebody hold me in their arms, and feel that sense of security. But I refused to turn into my parents, and that stubbornness was what held me back.
*
The stars were shining bright as I lay outside on my balcony. The sky was perfect; it was calm. It couldn’t hear my parents.
I barely noticed the tears streaming down my face anymore as they continued to yell. Each time it seemed like they would get louder and louder and my head hurt. I couldn’t breathe. I didn’t want to.
He could have been here an hour; I hadn’t noticed him until I felt his arm around my body. I tried to stop the tears, but the effort only made me cry harder. He wasn’t supposed to find out, not like this. I could still hear my parents yelling at each other, and I know Michael could too. But I wasn’t as embarrassed about it as I thought I would be.
It was Michael, and I had become comfortable around him. Though it had taken awhile, I had learned to trust him. He didn’t push me for information; he simply let me cry. I began to calm down, and the tears slowly began to stop. When I pulled back, I saw recognition in his eyes.
“Michael,” I started, knowing that I had to give him an explanation. If not for his sake then for mine.
“This isn’t the first time they’ve fought?” He questioned, though I’m sure he knew the answer. I shook my head.
“They why you’re at summer school?” He sighed, leaning back into the wall, trying to relax.
“What?” I asked, taken back by the question.
“You’re the smartest girl in Roswell…”
“Michael, I’m not…” I knew what he was going to say, and I didn’t want to hear it. If I had been the smartest girl in school I would have it more together. I wouldn’t have so many problems. I wouldn’t be in summer school.
“No, you are Liz. And you can deny it as much as you want, but people like you don’t just fail out of 8th grade. Something happened Liz, and if you don’t want to tell me that’s fine, but don’t lie to me.” I saw a fierce look in his eyes, and I knew that I was pushing him. He was already at his limits with the effort it took him to open up.
“No, I…” I stopped; he was right, I was lying to him. I was lying to one of the only people I knew would understand. He had just learned to trust me and I didn’t need to destroy that. “I don’t know. Everything got so out of control. Before I knew it I’d failed.” I sighed, prepared to tell him everything. Prepared to let it all go, and trust that he would handle it. Prepared to trust in him.
“They talk about getting a divorce.” I looked down at my bare feet, knowing I wouldn’t be able to finish if I looked him in the eyes. “Mom threatens to move to Florida with my Aunt. Leave my Dad here to run the Crashdown alone.”
“Where would you go?” His voice was quiet; I knew that he was worried I would leave. I was just as worried as he was.
“I guess that I never really thought about it. Mom hates the East Coast, she’d never really move. And I don’t think they’ll get a divorce.”
He only nodded. Maybe he could tell that I was lying. I wasn’t sure. When he didn’t say anything I continued.
“I don’t know, it wasn’t always like this. I remember when I was little…” I paused, not knowing how to explain what it used to be like. It had been so long ago. “I have these pictures of us all together. They’re smiling, not the fake stuff they do now.” I nodded, figuring that it would have to do. There were no real words to explain the situation.
“Have you ever talked to them about this?” he asked awkwardly. I knew that talking to me wasn’t easy for him. Not because of me, but because he wasn’t used to talking to anybody.
“Everything’s so screwed up, nothing would help it.” I sighed. “And even if I did, they wouldn’t listen to me. They think I’ve gone crazy or something.” I smiled, trying to make the moment a little less tense.
“Why?” he looked at me as if I really were nuts.
“Because I’ve failed a grade and haven’t talked to either of them in close to a year. They think that I’m on drugs. My dad mentions sending me to a shrink, but that just leads into another argument. Nothing really gets accomplished.” I had talked to Alex about all of this before. But somehow it seemed different this time. I could almost feel the load being lifted off of my shoulders.
“Are you parents like this?” I asked him, remembering the look of recognition I had seen in his eyes earlier. He was silent for a while, as if he was deciding what to tell me.
“I don’t know who my parents are,” he said softly, looking back at the stars. “They left me in the desert when I was small, and I don’t remember them.” He took a deep breath and looked back into my eyes. I tried not to let him see the pitying look on my face. I tried not to look too taken aback or upset. He didn’t take well to sympathy, and I didn’t want to have another argument.
“I mean I don’t even know who I am. When the police found me, they took me to social services and they named me Michael. They placed me with Hank and Alyssa. Alyssa left about a month later, and Hank isn’t really a kid person,” Michael laughed though nothing he’d said was funny.
“Why’d he adopt you then?” I questioned, surprised by the extent of emotion he was revealing. He was more into actions than words, and didn’t get too deep into emotions from what I had experienced. Yet here he was pouring out his soul.
“He didn’t. Foster care. Nobody wanted the weird kid found in the desert. Hank does it for the monthly check from the state.” Michael rolled his eyes and tried to pretend that it didn’t affect him. But I could see the pain in his eyes. It was the same pain I saw in my mother’s eyes whenever my parents got into a fight. It wasn’t noticeable to the naked eye, most people mistook that look for anger or hate—but I had learned.
“So you just blow off school cause you can?” I looked at him, trying to understand where he was coming from. It had to be hard for him, growing up without any parents. No sense of security, it had to be where his trust issues stemmed from.
“I guess with no real parents, I never tried. Wasn’t like I could go home and put my pictures on the refrigerator. Nobody really pushed me, or believed in me, so I never tried. I don’t see the point, 10 years from now I’ll be working at the cheese factory or in jail.” He stood up and walked to the edge of the balcony, trying to end the conversation. I could sense him trying to build his wall again, but I wasn’t worried. It was his defense mechanism, and it was getting easier to break.
“You are who you choose to be.” I followed him over and sat on the brick wall, facing him. The streets below were silent and the only other sound came from the TV on inside my house.
“What is that anyway? Why does everybody say that?” he looked at me, annoyed.
“It’s true. It’s a cliché, but it’s true. You have to believe in yourself. Nobody else will do it for you.” I rolled my eyes at myself. I had started to sound like a bad motivational speaker.
“Do you believe in me?” He looked away. I couldn’t read his emotions; I couldn’t see his face.
“Does it even matter what my answer is?” I shook my head, waiting for him to say he didn’t care.
“Yes…” He was breathing really shallow and I could see him trying to hold back his emotions, trying to hold back his fear. I’d never seen him this vulnerable before; it was hot. His lip quivered, every breath sounded as if it would be his last. He couldn’t get his words out— thinking was beyond his capability. He was completely unguarded, and I liked it.
As his lips continued to tremble, I leaned in slowly and kissed them. It was nothing deep or passionate, but it was not without desire or affection. Michael had not responded to the kiss, and I pulled back to see what was stopping him. He still looked upset, and if possible even more hurt than before. He was still waiting for my answer, and I had to laugh at his ignorance. My laughter only made him more insecure.
“Yes. I believe in you.” I smiled as he continued to sit there. For somebody who claimed to be self-reliant, he was extremely unconfident. He cared about what others thought and he needed approval more than anything. It was hard to know that about Michael, through the front that he put up, but I could see it.
I kissed him again, hoping to make his remaining doubts disappear. A few moments later, I was rewarded with his hand down my back puling me closer.
A warm spark followed everywhere as his body touched mine, but I had grown accustomed to the shock, and it now acted as a stimulator. I didn’t know if Michael had felt the same electricity as I had, or if he could hear the beat of my heart in his veins as well. I wasn’t concerned about any of those things. The only thought that occupied my brain was the feeling of Michael’s mouth moving towards my neck.
My alarm went off and I awoke pleasantly surprised. My parents had been arguing all month and I hadn’t had the luxury of sleeping until the alarm woke me. The annoying ringing in my ears meant that my parents had not been up at the crack of dawn yelling about fabric softener, the television, coffee, or any of the other meaningless topics that they had found themselves disputing over.
The silence in my house put me in a good mood as I got ready for the school day.
I walked out to the kitchen to find my parents silently drinking coffee. The mood was tense, but I wasn’t complaining. I would choose silence over screaming any day. I grabbed some cereal for myself and picked up the paper, doing my best not to cause any drama at the table.
Even with my best effort, the silence became awkward. And I knew something was wrong. They would both look at me, then at each other, like they were having an argument, only without words. And at any moment it was liable to erupt.
“Liz, Sweetheart, your father and I need to talk to you.” My mom put down her coffee cup and looked at me. Her serious look sent shivers down my spine, and a million situations ran through my head. ‘Was it Grandma?’ ‘Did somebody die?’ ‘Were we moving?’
“Ok.” I said a little shaky, looking at both of them—begging for an explanation before I lost it.
“Lizzie, your mother and I have discussed it, and you’re gonna start waitressing for the Crashdown in October.” My dad said in his typical blunt way. I looked at him, completely shocked. ‘I was only going to be 15 in October, and they already wanted me to work?’
“Jeffery!” My mom scolded, giving him an evil glare.
“What?” He looked at her annoyed.
“That’s not how we decided to go about this.” She said calmly, trying not to scream at him. ‘Typical,’ I thought.
“Nancy, I told you…” My dad started to lecture her again and I couldn’t take it.
“Stop!” I screamed, wanting so desperately to go back to the weird, uncomfortable, tense silence. “Don’t I get a say in all of this?” I was about ready to kill them. They were too busy worrying and arguing over being right all the time that they had completely forgotten about me.
“Of course you do.” My mother laid a gentle hand on my arm, pretending to care.
“No, you guys are too busy arguing to stop and realize that I have a voice too.” I began to cry, and I didn’t even care. None of it mattered any more. They were going to know how I felt about all of this. I had been holding it in too long.
“Elizabeth, don’t raise your voice at us.” My dad warned me.
“Dad, stop. Ok? Just stop. You always raise your voice at everybody else. You yell at me, and especially at Mom, just because you had a bad day. I’m sick of it.” I began to cry even harder. I knew that I was getting off subject, but it didn’t matter.
“She’s right, Jeff.” My mom chimed in, which only made me madder.
“Mom, don’t act like you don’t do it too.” I turned to glare at her. “You’re the one that claims I’m on drugs and that’s why I failed a grade. Then you blame Dad for my supposed drug abuse problem. None of you stop to realize if the two of you would just shut up I wouldn’t be so screwed up.” I screamed then ran out the door. I could hear them calling after me. I could hear my dad threatening to ground me, but I didn’t care anymore. Somebody had to tell them eventually.
I ran all the way to the park in tears. I didn’t care who saw me anymore. I didn’t care about anything. When I reached the park, I realized that I had forgotten my books at home. I would just have to do without them for the day. There was no way that I would go back home to get them.
*
“Planning a ditch day?” I heard from behind me. I was so happy to hear Michael’s voice that I started to cry all over again. My emotions were going haywire and all I wanted was somebody to listen. I stood up and hugged him. I think he was a little shocked at my actions. Maybe even embarrassed because we were being so public, but he soon hugged me back.
“Liz, what’s going on? Shouldn’t you be at school already?” I stepped back from him and my eyes were probably as wide as saucers.
“What time is it?” My hands flew up to my face and I tried not to freak out. ‘If I was late, then I was late. It would be ok,’ I tried to convince myself.
“School started twenty minutes ago.” He looked at me, concerned evident.
“Shit,” I turned and began to walk towards the school. I hardly ever swore, but I had reached my limit.
I didn’t have anything for school, I was late, my mascara was down to my cheeks, I couldn’t stop crying, and I just wanted a new life. I wanted more than anything to run away and never come back to Roswell, New Mexico. Never hear the yelling again; never have to lie to my best friend again. Never have to feel again.
But that wasn’t possible. I was stuck. I knew that I still had Alex, and Kyle, and now Michael. There were people there for me. But some things just couldn’t be fixed. No matter how much they try to build me up, I was broken; had been broken.
I heard Michael coming up behind me. His old Doc Martins on pavement weren’t exactly unrecognizable. I knew that I needed his attention and care. I needed him to pull me out of the cycle of self-pity before I went insane. But the irrational side of me never wanted to leave the black hole that I had become stuck in. It was comforting and familiar, no matter how depressing it was. Real life sucked. I’d seen reality, and I preferred to stay out of it.
We were already in front of the building by the time that Michael caught up to me. He pulled me around and forced me to look at him. I tried to move past him, to get inside, but he wouldn’t allow it.
“Liz, talk to me.” When I finally looked into his eyes, there was pain and fear. He was genuinely scared for me, and wanted to know what was going on. He wanted to protect me.
“I’m already late.” I tried once again to get past him. The tears had finally stopped and I didn’t want to cry again. I had to get to class and I needed to look somewhat presentable. I had already shattered their image of me by even attending school this summer. I didn’t need anybody to see me crying. I couldn’t have anybody investigating my story further.
“After class we’re talking.” I had never been commanded to do something before. His voice was harsh, but I recognized it as need. I knew he didn’t mean to sound controlling, and didn’t mean to boss me around. He just had to know what was going on. He liked being in control.
We both hurried inside, not wanting to be any later to Algebra class. Michael walked in front of me, slightly hiding me from view, aware that I didn’t want the attention on me.
“Mr. Guerin, so nice of you to join us,” the teacher said without turning around. No doubt the shoes signaling it was him. “Miss Parker?” She turned around, shocked to find me. “The two of you can talk to me after class.”
Normally I would have been freaking out. I had never been in trouble before. Last year, when my grades were down, teachers had held meetings with me. They normally understood though, and never had I gotten in trouble. Normally I would be scared. Normally.
But I wasn’t normal. I had become numb, all emotion drained from my body. My head was pounding, punishment for the rollercoaster I had put it though this morning. If I got in trouble, I didn’t care. Nothing mattered anymore. Not even the stares of my classmates, obviously wondering what Trailer Trash Michael Guerin was doing with Perfect Elizabeth Parker.
Michael sat in front of me, as usual. Only this time it was to act as a shield. Guarding me from the world outside of my disaster.
*
“Mr. Guerin, I’ve put up with your continued lack of attendance and performance in my class. Because, frankly, I don’t want to fail you and have to see you again next year,” Ms. Halloway scolded Michael after class, completely ignoring me. It was as if Michael had been the only one at fault. It was as if I had done nothing wrong.
“However, I do not appreciate you dragging my best student down with your delinquent tendencies.” I saw a brief look of pain in Michael’s eyes, and then his passive ‘I-Don’t-Give-A-Damn’ look returned. It was then that I realized it wasn’t a lack of caring that brought about that look. It was the look that he gave when he really was hurt.
It was the same look that I saw that night of our first kiss. When I had run into him on my way home from the trailer park. He had kissed me then and pulled away. He had that careless look on his face then. I couldn’t believe that I had forgotten that moment so easily, but he had defiantly given that look. ‘But why?’ He had been hurt after that kiss. ‘What did I do to him? What was he hiding?’
“Miss Halloway, Michael would have been to your class on time if it weren’t for me,” I cut in, refusing to let her bully Michael.
“Miss Parker?” She looked at me, stunned; I don’t think she even remembered that I was there.
“He was on his way to school, when he saw me. I was upset and I was crying in the park. He wanted to make sure that I was ok,” I explained, realizing that I would rather get in trouble than listen to her break Michael.
“Miss Parker, I’m sorry. Are you alright?” She suddenly turned caring and concerned. I could tell it was fake, and I was disgusted.
“I’m fine. But, if you’re not going to punish us, could I hurry to my Spanish class? I don’t want to miss anything important,” I lied, wanting more than anything to get out of that room. I was so angry with her. If I had to put up with this every day at school too, I would never come either.
*
Michael joined Alex and me at the Crashdown after school. He needed to hear what had happened to cause the disaster that was this morning. He sat next to me with Alex across from us. We kept a book open at all times incase we ran into any problems. Our story was the same as it always was. I was tutoring Michael in Algebra.
I explained everything that had happened as much as I could. I couldn’t remember some of the details, my mind blocking a lot of it from memory. But I had gotten the point across. My parents wanted me to start waitressing in three months.
“That’s not even what I’m mad about. I don’t mind waitressing. I’ll do it, fine. But they didn’t even ask me. They just told me. And then they started to argue about it.” I groaned; glad to be able to get everything off my chest. I had been replaying that scene over and over in my head all day, and it was driving me crazy.
“And you went off.” Alex nodded, knowing me too well. He smiled; clearly amused that he was right.
“I feel so bad.” I looked at the two of them, wishing that they had the power to change it all. To fix everything that was going on.
“Why? For being honest?” Michael blurted out. To the average person it would have sounded insensitive and rude. But I knew Michael and I knew what he had meant. I had told the truth, and I should never feel bad about that.
“I was a bitch,” I added in, expecting the conversation to end with my comment. No matter what either of them said, there was nothing I could do now. I couldn’t change it, and according to Michael I shouldn’t regret it.
“Liz, you couldn’t be a bitch if you tried,” Alex laughed, clearly trying to picture the image.
“I still shouldn’t have said it,” I added, feeling a little bit better after spending some time with the boys.
“They’ll get over it. And when they finally stop yelling enough to realize what you said, they’ll realize you were right.” Michael stared at his shoes, clearly feeling awkward now.
“I hope so.” I placed my hand on his thigh, away from anybody’s view. ‘It was going to be hard hiding our feelings for each other in public.’ I thought. ‘Especially in front of Maria.’
*
Saturday was the only day of the week where I was allowed to sleep in. Where I could rest and relax, after a weeks worth of school, parents, and friends had drained the energy from me. But here I was at 7:00 am, on a Saturday morning at a bus station. I had promised Maria that I would be there when she returned home, so here I was— tired and sitting in front of the Roswell Bus Station with Ms. DeLuca.
Maria wasn’t supposed to get in until 7:30, but Ms. DeLuca had not wanted to be late. So she stopped by the Crashdown to pick me up at 6:30. We’d grabbed a quick breakfast and arrived at the station with 40 minutes left to wait.
Ms. DeLuca was cool for the most part. She was still young, early 30’s. She listened to popular music, dressed in cute clothes, and was understanding when it came to teenage life. It was nice, considering my parents didn’t seem to remember what it was like to be a teenager. She liked to pry however and I was just glad that I wasn’t her own daughter.
She was fiercely protective of Maria and had a lot of restrictions. Maria was never allowed to be out after 10:30 without an adult, she couldn’t see R movies, and was only allowed to date after her mother had approved of the guy.
The entire wait at the train station was spent trying to avoid Ms. DeLuca’s questions. I had successfully dodged questions about my family and my summer plans. She had moved on to the topic of boys and I knew that I had to get out of there fast. I had gone to the bathroom, asked the ticket booth how much longer until the bus arrived, and even bought coffee. I didn’t even like to drink coffee, but I was desperate.
‘If I can’t even lie to Ms. DeLuca, how was I going to do it to Maria?’ I groaned to myself. The DeLuca women had interrogation skills that couldn’t even be matched by the Sheriff’s department. If either of them got even a hint from me that something was wrong, I would be done for. The reality of Michael and my secret finally began to sink in.
Being with Michael was going to mean constantly lying to all of my friends. Not only about my parents, which I had been doing for the past couple of years, but now about boys and how I was spending my time. Why I had a hickey on my neck…it would be a never-ending cycle. I wasn’t ready for it.
I could tell Maria. It would always be an option. Telling her the truth would stop the vicious circle of lies. But I had promised Michael I wouldn’t. It was an unspoken promise I had made to him when we decided to go out. Never tell anybody.
I’d already broken that agreement to tell Alex. I wasn’t going to break it again. He’d never explained why I had to keep our relationship secret. But I knew that it was extremely important to him, so I’d kept quiet. And would continue to keep quiet even though his lack of explanation bugged the hell out of me. I realized that keeping his trust was more important.
I felt this instinctive urge to protect Michael, to hide him from the outside world. Because a part of me knew that his secret was important. That it was bigger than me. I wasn’t sure where I had gotten that idea from; he had never given me any hints as to what his secret was. I just knew. It had been instinctive.
Maria’s bus came just as Ms. DeLuca was about to start grilling me again. I was thankful again for the distraction. Maria had come running off the bus and straight into her arms. It was weird seeing her again after so long.
She had been in California for five weeks. I hadn’t even realized how much I had missed her until I heard her voice. I had missed the comedy she brought into my life. The comfort I found in her ignorance. Being the only one of my friends unaware of my situation, she’d been my relief away from the madness.
She turned around to hug me, and whispered into my ear, “I’ve got to talk to you.” I just smiled at her knowingly. She’d done something with the boy she met at camp. I recognized the smile on her face; it was the one she gave when she was thinking about a boy.
After stopping by the Whitman’s house to pick up Alex—who had refused to wake up any earlier than 7 o’clock—we all headed back to the DeLuca’s. The three of us immediately retreated to the privacy of Maria’s bedroom to talk. Alex took the bed next to Maria, while I sat in her bean-bag chair. After throwing her pictures at us, she instantly began chatting.
“It was amazing! I met this guy, Billy, he’s 15 and hot!” She blurted out really fast.
“There were hot guys at a band camp?” Alex rolled his eyes, coming to the realization that it would be all Maria would talk about for a month.
“Yeah, Alex… I mean, look at Shawn Green and Jose Martin. Some hot piece of ass there,” I said sarcastically. The two guys were in our middle school percussion section—neither one being attractive.
“Ha ha,” Maria glared at the two of us. “There’s a picture of him in there somewhere. You can see for yourself.” Maria snatched the photos away from Alex and began frantically looking through them. She found the one she was looking for and showed us.
It was a picture of Maria and Billy. They were both sitting on a bed, Maria with her pen and paper, Billy with a guitar. He had bad acne and braces, but then again who didn’t? He was a little weird, but I could see why Maria would have liked him. He had potential.
“So where does he live?” Alex asked, signaling her to return to her story.
*
Kyle and I sat across from each other in one of the Crashdown booths later that night. I had walked home from Maria’s house and when I walked through the doors I saw Kyle sitting down alone. I knew that something had happened, and I couldn’t just leave him there. He needed somebody to talk to and I had to be that person.
“Kyle, what exactly happened?” I stole some fries off of his plate, casually waiting for his answer. I didn’t want him to feel like I was pushing him, I knew that I would never get anywhere that way.
“It’s my grandpa,” he ran his hand through his hair, a nervous gesture.
“What happened to your grandpa?” I felt a nervous pit grow in my stomach. Kyle’s grandpa was currently in a hospital because the Valenti’s could not take care of him. I had never met his grandpa, but I’d heard the rumors.
It’s common knowledge in Roswell that his grandpa used to be the sheriff. He believed in aliens, and most of the citizen’s thought that he was crazy. Always trying to catch Martians and save the world from some horrible Armageddon. Nobody really knows how Sheriff Valenti Sr. lost his job and got committed, and those who do know the truth won’t talk about it.
“The hospital can’t hold him any longer. The insurance won’t cover it any longer, and we don’t have the money to pay for treatment. Shit, I’ll have to pay for this meal in quarters,” he laughed; it was a harsh, bitter sound. He was slowly breaking, and I wasn’t sure what I could do. Kyle had it rough, rougher than most. I felt sorry for him, even my crappy life was better than what he had to put up with.
“The meal’s free,” I shrugged, knowing that it wouldn’t solve the real problem at hand.
“I don’t need your pity money,” he glared at me, annoyed. I knew that he hated people feeling sorry for him, but it was hard not too. He was such a good guy, and he didn’t deserve any of this.
“It’s not pity money. I’m the owner’s daughter, I get free food,” I smiled; hoping he would just shut up and accept my offer.
“I just…” he started to retaliate, but I cut him off.
“Don’t.” I ended the argument there. I wasn’t going to make Kyle pay for a plate of $2.99 fries in dimes and nickels. Especially when I had eaten half the meal.
“What are you going to do?” I looked at him and he looked completely lost. The dark circles under his eyes had only gotten darker. He looked like he hadn’t showered in days let alone slept.
I wasn’t sure how he kept hiding the truth from the rest of the town. He was obviously stressed. But the worse things got at home, the louder and more upbeat Kyle got with his friends. He amazed me; I could never hide the truth as well as he had.
“I’m not sure,” his voice cracked, and I could feel my heart tear into pieces. Nobody deserved this—especially not Kyle.
The next month went by uneventfully. Maria broke things off with Billy, who was apparently the love of her life. She went back to Doug Sohn and I hadn’t seen her since. The summer had brought school, camp, boys and lies that seemed to drift us further and further apart.
Maria wasn’t the only distant one. Kyle hadn’t been seen since the night we talked in the Crashdown. His grandpa had come home from the hospital and Kyle had to take care of him. Now he not only had to take care of his drunken father, he had to watch his crazy grandfather. His stress level had to be extremely high; I wasn’t sure he could take it all. Everybody had a breaking point and this could very well of been his.
Alex spent his days working on forming a garage band. He’d heard from some high school kids that auditions would be held in August for the Crash Festival this year. He was determined to play in that show. We still kept to our regular ‘dates’ at the Crashdown, often inviting Michael along. If Maria and I had grown apart, Alex and I had grown closer.
My parents were convinced that my outburst had been the cause of drugs or alcohol, but they’d apologized anyway. They made an effort to keep their arguments quiet. And while it wasn’t silence, it was something. I got this eerie feeling, as though it was the calm before a great storm.
*
Michael and I sat on my balcony, studying silently for our summer school finals. If we passed the tests, we’d be free from junior high. If we failed, we’d be repeating the 8th grade while the rest of the world moved on to high school.
Most of the tests would be easy for me. I didn’t even have to take the Algebra exam. I was scared for Michael though. He’d managed to pull his math grade up from an F to a C+ with my help. But the teachers had it in for him, and if he didn’t get an A on all of his tests, he’d be stuck for another year.
“Do you need help?” I asked as he furiously erased his paper. He’d been working on the Algebra study guide for over an hour and had yet to get past the fifth question.
“I can handle it Parker. You just worry about passing English,” he snapped back, bitter that I had asked—even more bitter that his answer would have been yes. I just turned back to my book, copying down quotes I would need for the paper I had to write.
Things had gotten tense between the two of us. We had been bickering for the past week, spitting out insults and glaring at each other. That was when we were speaking at all.
We were both stressed out with school; it was understandable. What wasn’t understandable was how we’d continue to add to our stress. Michael would keep so many secrets from me. Always guarding his emotions, holding back. And me, for letting my parents get to me, taking everything on myself, lying to my best friend. If we’d just tell everybody, we would have no more secrets to hide. The stress would all go away and we would be able to focus on our studies.
“Michael, why don’t we just tell everyone?” I looked up at him, preparing for an argument I knew was unavoidable.
“No.” His voice was harsh and demanding, but his face said otherwise. He was terrified, of what I didn’t know, but I was determined to find out.
“Michael, what are you hiding from me?” I made sure to keep the irritation out of my voice. It would make it seem as if I was looking for a fight, and he would just argue more.
“And the less inquisitive you are as you go along, the less trouble you are likely to find.” He smirked. I just rolled my eyes.
“What is that?” I sighed, sick of hearing his riddles. Every time I asked him a personal question, he’d go off with another saying.
“J.R.R. Tolkien. Now go back to your work.” He turned away, obviously satisfied with himself. I just groaned, pissed off. “What do you want from me Parker?” He threw his pen down; annoyed.
“I don’t know. Something!” I slammed my book shut.
“I’m trying.” He stood up, starting to pace the balcony.
“No, you’re not! You expect me to tell you everything and let you handle it. You expect me to trust you.” I rose to my feet as well, refusing to be inferior to him. Refusing to let him have power over me.
“You can!” He got close to my face and spat out rudely. He was being ridiculous. What had happened to the sweet, understanding Michael who comforted me that night on my balcony? The vulnerable boy who stood in front of me, asking if I believed in him?
“No! If you’re hiding something from me, I can’t trust you. You don’t trust me!” I stepped back far enough so I could look in his eyes.
“Whatever Liz.” He turned and walked over to the ladder.
“Why are you hiding?” My fists were balled up and my voice was tight. He was pissing me off.
“What the hell, I don’t need this.” He started to leave. I just followed him.
“Michael…”
“You know what? Fine. If it will shut you up, then fine. I don’t trust you.” He stopped going down, but he didn’t dare come any closer.
“Michael. Don’t.” I said harshly. I could feel the tears spilling over to my cheeks.
“Don’t what?” He softened for a moment, not wanting to make me cry.
“Don’t make this out like I’m the bad guy. You’re the one that’s arguing with me,” I said back to him, not allowing him to make this all on me.
“You couldn’t let it go.” He glared, and the look of sorrow I had just seen was replaced with a look of annoyance. He had built his stone-wall up again, and I had no intention of breaking it down again.
“No, I couldn’t. I have to be able to trust you. I need that.” I walked closer, allowing him one last chance to tell me.
“You have it.” He rolled his eyes. I had lost him. He had returned to the indifferent jackass that he was before we started to go out.
“Michael, I deal with this enough with my parents. I don’t need it from you.” I shook my head, knowing that I wasn’t going to get anywhere.
“And I do?” He nodded, smirking a little. Letting me know how pissed off he truly was.
“I don’t know!” I yelled; frustrated.
“I’m not doing this. I’m done.”
“Michael!” I called out, pissed that he was acting like a five year old. He was already down the ladder, leaving me alone on my balcony again.
*
“So he just left?” Alex sat next to me, trying desperately to understand what had happened. I was crying and was hardly comprehendible, but Alex was used to these moments. He’d been Maria and my best friend since 5th grade and over the years had learned to decipher our babblings.
“I shouldn’t… He just… And then… It’s all my fault.” I tried to calm down, wiping my eyes with the back of my hand. It was no use. I was hopeless.
“Liz, what did you say to him?” he continued to ask, trying to assemble the broken pieces together.
“If I could tell.” I whispered. Anything louder would have brought a fresh set of tears.
“And he said no and left?” he questioned, making sure he hadn’t misunderstood.
“Yeah, I asked him what he was hiding.” My voice was slowly coming back to me.
“Liz I know you like this guy, but…” I held my hand up to stop whatever it was he was about to say. I couldn’t deal with it. No matter how angry I was at him, it wouldn’t change the fact that I cared about him. I still liked him even through all of his stupid ignorance.
“Ok, if he’s really as great as you say, then he probably has a good reason for keeping it from you.” He smiled and handed me a tissue.
“That doesn’t mean I don’t want to know.” I glared back, even though I was glad for the advice.
“Sometimes it’s just better off when the people you care about don’t know your secrets.” He paused, waiting for me to look him in the eye. “Like Maria.”
“You enjoy being right too much.” I rolled my eyes at him.
“Hey guys what are we talking about?” Maria walked up behind us. I just glared at Alex, daring him to say anything.
“Not much,” I shrugged. She slid into the booth across from us.
“What’s wrong?” Maria looked at me with concern in her eyes. No doubt she’d noticed the dried tears on my cheeks and red eyes. I looked down not knowing what to say.
“Michael’s being an ass,” I kicked Alex before he could go any further.
“Michael Guerin?” She looked at me, completely disgusted. “I can’t believe you’re letting that no good trash get to you.”
“Maria, you’re not helping matters,” Alex sighed, rubbing his temples.
“Fine.” She rolled her eyes, annoyed. “What did he do?”
“It’s stupid really. I was tutoring him and I just let him get to me.” I lied, slapping myself for it. I knew how much it would hurt her if she found out what I was hiding from her. I was experiencing that pain first hand.
“Well what did you expect chica? It’s Guerin.” She sighed. “Anyway, Doug and I have a date so I’m gonna get going.” She stood up and walked out the door.
“Liz, I can’t keep lying to her. And neither should you.” Alex groaned; he’d had enough.
“Alex, I can’t tell her. And you better not.” I glared at him.
“Are you telling me what to do? Liz, look in the mirror. You’re becoming exactly like him.” Alex threw down his napkin and stood up.
“Alex,” I said, annoyed. He was acting like a child.
“No, I’m not going to do it anymore.”
*
I sat in my room still crying from earlier. I wasn’t sure if Alex would tell Maria, and right now, I didn’t care. Boxes laid spread out in my room ready to be filled. I was becoming a woman now and didn’t need the torture of childhood memories lingering. My childhood dreams were over and keeping the memories around was only delaying the repression I so desperately needed.
The rain began to pour outside emphasizing the sense of loss I felt as I packed my room. The essentials would stay, bed, desk, computer… but the memories had to leave. If it was possible that just one day could break a person, this would have been my day. I was lying to Maria, and slowly losing her and Alex because of it. My parents had lost all faith in me as a daughter. Michael, who I was beginning to love, was hiding from me. Breaking up with me when my ignorant ass pressed him too hard.
Yes, one day had become my breaking point. As I packed up my innocence, I might as well have packed up my soul as well. Just let the darkness consume me, instead of fighting it off. The effort was draining, and I had no reason to fight anymore. I had lost everything and I was nothing. Maybe I was being too dramatic, but it was how I felt.
I barely heard the tapping, chalking it up to the storm. Only when I turned around did I notice someone was on my balcony. I could make out his figure, and as I slowly made my way to the window, I had to will myself not to get excited. If he was here to fix things I would know soon enough. The second I opened the window his energy filled the air. This time it was harsh and physically hurt to be around. If I looked close enough, I swear I could see red sparks coming from his hands. But my eyes were blurry from tears and the scientist in me was convinced my mind was playing tricks on me.
“What the hell are you doing?” he looked at me, eyes flashing red with anger.
“I’m packing.” I backed away from him, not because I was intimidated, but because the energy he gave off was piecing my skin and I couldn’t take the pain.
“You’re just going to leave and never say goodbye? Run away the second things get bad?” he looked at me straight in the eyes and I saw a flash of fear wash over him.
“I don’t run from my problems.” I spat back at him, tired of listen to him yell at me.
“Well what do you call this?” His hands flew up, gesturing around the room. It finally clicked with me. The look of fear in his eyes, the yelling, the anger… he thought I was running away. Going to Florida with my mom, never saying goodbye. Or maybe just running from everybody, hopping on a bus to LA and never coming home. It wasn’t like the idea had never passed through my head, but I refused to run away from anything. Plus I was broke, where would I go?
“I’m just cleaning out my room. And if your ignorant ass would shut up for just two seconds you’d know that.” I was satisfied with myself when I saw Michael was left speechless. He deserved to feel like an ass, he’d treated me so badly and I wasn’t sure it even fazed him.
He looked around the room another time. Looking into the boxes of which held tutus, ribbons, trophies, tapes, and even some pictures. He reached inside of one of the boxes and pulled out something. His back was turned to me, so I couldn’t see what it was he was holding.
“You told me you used to want to be a dancer.” Michael turned to me and I saw that he held a picture frame in his hand. It was from my first dance recital. I was five years old and my mom had put make-up on me and pulled my hair back in the traditional bun. I had on a bright red tutu and had my arms above my head as if I was turning. The traditional ballerina pose. It had always been one of my favorite pictures.
“You were listening?” I asked, a little shocked. He just shrugged and started to go though some more of my stuff.
“So when did you quit?” he asked, still going though my photo albums and other various items I was packing away. Almost everything was dance related.
“At the end of seventh grade.” I sighed. The point of packing everything was to get it off my mind, not to bring back all of the bad memories.
“Didn’t like it anymore?” he raised his eyebrows, knowing that wasn’t the case. For once, he was trying to be subtle, let me tell him what the problem was.
“Couldn’t afford it.” I looked down at my feet ashamed. Even if Michael was from Chisholm Trail Trailer Park, and he did understand what it was like not to have money, I was still ashamed. I was a Parker. We weren’t supposed to have money problems. We were supposed to belong to a country club, own nice cars, go to expensive private colleges. It was in our blood, but when I was three my parents decided to open up the Crashdown, and we were back to being poor along with the majority of Roswell.
“So it wasn’t your choice?” he nodded as if everything was starting to make sense to him.
“Is it ever?” He was silent for a while, neither of us really sure where the other stood. Today had been a rough day, and we weren’t sure if we could go back to where we were. He was never good with words, somehow always managing to say the wrong thing. All I wanted, needed, was for him to hold me and kiss me; to silently sooth my pain.
“You’re throwing all of this out?” He walked closer to me, still holding on to the same picture frame of my first recital.
“I don’t know. Should I? Am I supposed to keep it even though I can never use any of it again? It will only remind me of how my parents let me down. Again. Remind me of a dream I can never have.” I took the picture frame from his hand and sat down on my bed, staring at the photo.
“What about Harvard?” he asked referring to the Cambridge poster that was above my bed. I smiled to myself, still remembering the day my dad put it up.
“My dad put that up there when I was five. It was right after my first day of school. He was positive I was going to make it there.” I handed the picture back to Michael and stood up on the mattress. I started to take the poster down, and then decided against it. I could still make it into Harvard; I just had to work really hard throughout high school. It was still my father’s dream, and had even become mine at some point down the road.
“I say you keep it all.” Michael said, bringing me back to reality.
“Yeah,” I nodded.
No apologies were said that night. But we had each come to a silent understanding, we would forget that day and move on. It didn’t do any good to dwell in the past. Michael helped me pack up the rest of my stuff and carry all of the boxes to my attic. We didn’t talk for the rest of the night; we didn’t need to.
*
Exams were finally over and school was out. We wouldn’t know if we had passed or not until next week, but it still felt good to be done. Michael had told me that he thought he’d done alright, but the slight smirk on his face told me that he’d done great. We both walked to the park, enjoying the New Mexico sun for the first time all summer.
“Damn.” Michael mumbled under his breath. I turned around to follow his gaze.
“What?” I asked. I could see Isabel Evans with a couple of her friends. They were standing outside the Ice Cream Shop. Michael hurried over to the group, leaving me alone to watch in confusion.
Without a word, Isabel’s friends walked away and the two were left alone. They were too far away for me to hear what they were saying, and I didn’t dare step closer. Isabel was furious and we would all endure her wrath.
“You ass! You think you can just…” Isabel stormed over to me, yelling. Michael had to step between us to hold her back. She looked as if she was ready to kill me with her bare hands. Like one of the serial killers in those scary movies, Alex made me watch.
“Iz, stop.” He commanded her. She had stepped over the line, and would clearly pay the price. I thought that Michael was going to cuss her out, hit her, anything. But I wasn’t prepared for him to step down. To cower in her presence like the rest of the world did.
“Please,” he pleaded. I had to be going crazy; this was not Michael Guerin. He’d been abducted by an alien or something. This was still Roswell after all, and Michael was pleading…What was it about Isabel Evans that made all the boys hopeless?
“Just be happy for me. For once.” Her intense glare slowly began to soften and I could tell she was having a battle in her mind. She wasn’t sure what the right thing to do was.
“Let me talk to Liz alone.” She looked at Michael. She was still fuming, but I could see the look of defeat in her eyes. She would listen to Michael.
“Play nice.” He warned as the walked away, leaving me alone to defend myself against the Ice Princess. ‘Thanks Michael,’ I groaned.
“Just because I accept this, doesn’t mean I like it. Or you for that matter. Break his heart, I’ll break you. Got that Lizzie?” She spat out my name as if it were acid.
“That it? That’s your big speech?” I glared at her, annoyed with her protective bitch front she was putting up.
“Just be careful, Parker. I can destroy you.” She glared back. I wanted to laugh. She had picked up on some of Michael’s qualities. Hard bad-ass exterior, sensitive interior, afraid, fiercely protective…
“I got it.” I looked her straight in the eyes, determined not to allow her to intimidate me. I had to be strong, or else she would win. And I didn’t lose.
“It’s never going to last.” She smirked and I realized what she was doing. She wouldn’t dare force Michael to end the relationship; she wasn’t stupid. But that didn’t mean she was below trying to break us up. She was just relying on me to cause the breakup.
“Michael and I are together now. I don’t care about his past, or our future. We’re just taking everything as it comes,” I defended.
“How romantic,” she said as if it were the most disgusting thing she’d ever heard.
“Yeah, well…” I shrugged not caring what she thought. “You can stop your little plan now. I don’t care what you say. I’m not giving up on Michael.”
The last two weeks of summer had been savored. School would start up soon and we had to use every hour as if it were our last. Alex didn’t get the gig playing at the Crash Festival. But it all worked out great.
Michael had to hang out with Max, and I hadn’t seen Maria in a week. The two of us dressed up in matching costumes and just hung out, like old times. We hadn’t forgotten the argument in the Crashdown, but we had decided to let it pass. Things had a way of working themselves out.
Michael ‘borrowed’ a mop head from Mr. Davis and took me out into the dessert to see the stars, ‘without all of the street lights getting in the way’. The sky was truly beautiful, and while it had eventually only ended in a make-out session, it was the most romantic evening I had ever spent with him.
Isabel hadn’t been around much, according to Michael. She was still fuming from that afternoon in the park. I could have cared less if she ever talked to me again, but I could see it was eating away at Michael. She was like his sister, and her approval meant as much, if not more than mine. I didn’t understand why she just couldn’t be happy for Michael. It was as if nobody in their group was happy unless everybody was miserable. It didn’t’ make sense.
The last day of summer I called Maria up planning on taking her and Alex up to Frasier Woods to hang out and go swimming. When I called, Ms. DeLuca said that Maria was out with her other friends and would be gone all day. I was a little annoyed, but when Alex suggested bringing Michael along instead my mood lit up.
*
The halls were filled with scared freshmen, checking and re-checking their schedules. With upper-classmen stopping in the middle of the halls to talk with friends they hadn’t seen all summer. The seniors had gone wild, running around the halls, ignoring detention threats from teachers if they didn’t slow down. The place was a zoo.
I didn’t want to be here. I longed to be back on my balcony with Michael, listening to music and just hanging out. I even longed to be back at Roswell Junior High, repeating the eighth grade. Anywhere else but here. I had already gotten lost twice. I had a senior smack my ass. And I still couldn’t find Alex, Maria, or even Kyle. I didn’t expect to see Michael at all; he had to play his part as troubled bad-ass-too-cool to care about school. I had to play mine: future scientist nerd, excited about her first day.
“Parker!” I heard someone yell from behind me. When I saw it was Kyle, I ran into his arms to hug him.
“Kyle! I’m so glad I found you.” I smiled; I hadn’t realized how much I missed him until I saw him standing in front of me. His hair was longer from before, no doubt from neglect rather than for style.
“Actually I found you. Little lost?” Despite the smile that he showed me, I could see the circles under his eyes. If anybody were to bring it up, he would blame it on a girl. Letting his friends believe whatever their dirty minds wanted, but I knew the truth. I often bore those same exact circles. They were from family.
“Room 185?” I looked at him hopeful, giving my best puppy dog look. He laughed.
“I’ll walk you there.” He put his arm around me in a friendly way and led me through the crowded hallway.
“You are a lifesaver!” I brought my hand up to my forehead, doing my best to act like a damsel in distress. “Haven’t seen you around much.” I looked up at him seriously.
“Yeah, well my grandpa came home, had to take care of him. Didn’t really have time to play,” he barked bitterly. I just looked at him, waiting patiently for him to soften up. I knew that his anger wasn’t directed at me. But that didn’t mean that I would take it.
“Sorry.” He looked down guiltily.
“How is your grandpa?” I asked, letting him know that I wasn’t going to hold it against him.
“He’s going back to the hospital in a week. Dad worked everything out with the insurance.” He let out a sigh. I couldn’t tell if he was relieved or upset about his grandpa going back.
“That’s good?” I looked at him, letting him know he could be honest with me.
“Yeah… I’ll assume you passed summer school. Seeing as you’re here.” He changed the subject, not wanting to go into great detail with so many people around.
“You always were a smart one.” I mocked him.
“And so were you. What is this?” he asked, taking a look at my schedule. “You’re taking the same schedule as I am. Where are all the advanced courses, Parker?”
“Kyle…” I rolled my eyes, not wanting to get into this discussion again. I had already had it with my parents, Alex, and even Michael.
“Yeah, I get it. It’s your life. I just don’t like seeing wasted talent.” He glared down at me, letting me know that he didn’t approve of my actions, yet unwilling to flat out say that.
“Yeah, wasted talent. Sort of like this boy I know. He’s this star athlete, right? And he should be on Varsity football, only he’s not. He plays second string on the freshmen team. All because he didn’t go to a certain camp that was offered over the summer.” I glared right back at him, daring him to continue. He just smiled.
“Yeah, its dumb-asses like that that get to me.” He laughed, realizing that he was in no better of a position than me.
“Kyle…” I whispered, looking down the hall to a group of girls. ‘It couldn’t be.’ I shook my head in shock.
“No I get it Liz. You’ll butt out of my life, if I butt out of yours.” Kyle rambled on, completely oblivious to the fact that I had stopped walking with him the second I saw them.
“Kyle…” I said a little louder. He realized that I wasn’t following him and he walked back over to me.
“Liz, honestly…” He rolled his eyes.
“No Kyle!” I grabbed his arm and forced him to look in their direction. Isabel Evans and all of her friends had entered the building and instead of Mandy Freeman walking on Isabel’s right, the spot reserved especially for her best friend, Maria had taken her spot.
“Where are the flying meters and hurricanes?” Kyle said, shocked.
“What?” I glared at him, not knowing what the hell he was talking about. I was angry and I was taking it out on Kyle, a fact that should have made me feel guilty. But the only feeling I felt was the stab to my heart. My best friend had traded me in for Isabel Evans. Maria hated Isabel, or at least she always said that she did. Isabel hated Maria.
“The apocalypse. Maria and Isabel, friends? It’s like the devil walking up to Jesus and saying, ‘yeah, I know that I’m all evil, and you’re good. But how about catching a movie’ It just doesn’t happen,” Kyle said. I couldn’t help but laugh at his explanation. A single tear fell down my cheek, the only pain I would be allowed to show all day. For I was Liz Parker, and I couldn’t cry. I had a role to play, and I would play it well.
“You have an extremely overactive imagination,” I smiled, giving him a light shove.
“Thanks.” Kyle smiled back at me, pleased with himself.
“I never said that it was a good thing.” He just glared at me, unable or unwilling to come up with a come back for me.
“185, Algebra II.” He motioned to the classroom door that we had come to.
“Uh, thanks Kyle.” I nodded, suddenly feeling awkward.
“Listen Liz. I know that I haven’t really been around all summer, and that I really don’t know what the hell is going on with you and Maria. But whatever it is, it will pass. It always does. You guys have always been friends, and always will be.” He placed his hand on my shoulder, giving me the only comfort he could.
“I think I might have ruined it for good this time.” I smiled back at him. It was the only action I could do to stop the tears from falling. I would not allow another tear to fall; Kyle didn’t need it. And I wasn’t willing to let anybody else see me weak. I had to be strong.
“Maria knows that Isabel intimidates you. That’s why she’s doing this. Isabel could never replace you, she’s a plastic Barbie.” He tried to make me feel better, but inadvertently made it worse. I had always been self-conscious about my body, and being compared to Isabel wasn’t exactly a self-esteem booster.
“Exactly,” I said looking down at my own chest.
“Hey,” Kyle grabbed my chin gently and forced me to look into his eyes. “Unless Maria is swinging for girls now… looks mean nothing. You’ve got what Isabel doesn’t.”
“Intelligence?” I looked at him confused.
“Well, yeah. But I was going to say a heart.” I just laughed, allowing Kyle to make me feel better. It was what we both needed. He needed to believe that he could be my superhero, and I did too. We’d been though more than most kids our age had, and had been asked to deal with more than anybody ever should have to. Kyle needed to believe that he was still strong. I needed to believe that I could be saved, taken care off. I needed to believe that I could be vulnerable, and that it would be ok.
“Besides, even if Maria were to be swinging that way, you’re ten times as beautiful.” He brushed a piece of hair off my face, that had become stuck to my now tear stained face. I quickly wiped my face, erasing any evidence of pain away.
“Bye, Kyle.” I smiled, kissing him lightly on the cheek. I wasn’t ignorant; I knew that he had a crush on me. I knew that it could be considered cruel, to lead Kyle on like I did. But he knew that I was only acting in a friendly manner.
“Bye, Liz.” He gave me a sympathetic smile, and then walked off to his classroom.
“Well, well… Elizabeth Parker? Superwomen Extraordinaire? Exposing herself to the common folk?” I saw Chase Norman in the first row with all of his ‘crew’. Chase and I had never gotten along, ever since kindergarten when he’d stolen my sandwich and I’d kicked him in the balls. He liked to believe that he was some troubled youth from the ghetto, when in reality he grew up in the richest neighborhood in Roswell. I knew that he was a fake, and had called him on it more often than not, and he would never let me forget that.
“Shut-up,” I rolled my eyes. I decided against saying whatever smartass remarks had come to mind. I didn’t need to deal with him at the moment. How did somebody come to be such an ass anyway?
“Wow, she has phenomenal vocabulary too. Shouldn’t you be in AP Calc across the hall?” He motioned towards the door. I just stood there. I wanted more than anything to kick his ass like I did back in kindergarten, but I knew that I wouldn’t. I wasn’t the same confident girl that I was back then, and I would never have the guts to try and touch him.
“Yeah, and shouldn’t you be in some damn BD classroom?” I heard Michael come up behind me. I sat down in the back, gesturing for Michael to join me. His eyes were blazing red, and I knew from his clinched fists that he wanted to pound the jerk. And while I was content to just sit back and watch the scene play out before me, the logical part of me knew that he couldn’t. I let out a sigh of relief when he followed me to the back.
“Obvious, much?” I whispered to him. He just grunted and went about pretending he didn’t care about me. He had an image to keep up, and he had some serious acting to do to make up for his slip moments earlier.
*
As the days went by, hiding became easier and easier. Surprisingly becoming like second nature. If I saw Michael in the hall, I would look the other way. We didn’t sit near each other in lunch or acknowledge each other in class. As far as the student body knew, Liz Parker did not know Michael Guerin.
For the first week or two I was convinced that Max would find out. Isabel knew, and they were a tight family. When I asked Michael if he was worried, he just said ‘I’m Isabel’s family too, and she would never betray me’. I was hardly convinced, but Max never did find out.
Every day was an eerie calm, and I was just waiting for the storm to come. Maria and Max would find out all of our secrets soon enough and we would suffer. I didn’t fool myself; what I had with Michael was secret. Which also meant it wasn’t permanent. If it had been he wouldn’t have been afraid to tell.
The only time I spent with Michael anymore was when we had found time to sneak away to the second floor eraser room, or whenever Michael found time to come to my balcony at night. The logical part of me knew that I should be ashamed of the situation. My boyfriend was keeping me secret, only meeting up with me for spontaneous make-out sessions in a chalk filled eraser room. I should have felt like a mistress or a whore. But the romantic in me found the entire situation mysterious and intriguing.
*
I left a note for Michael to meet me in the eraser room fifth period. We both had gym and it wouldn’t matter if we missed it. I sat in the small room patiently waiting for him to show up. My insecurities screamed that he wouldn’t show, but I trusted Michael. If I asked him to do something he would.
I heard the door click and my heart skipped a beat. Michael always had that effect on me. I quickly reached into my backpack and pulled out a card.
“Just couldn’t wait until this afternoon could ya, Parker?” He smirked and I just rolled my eyes. The more comfortable he got with me, the cockier he got. I just shook my head, willing to stroke his ego. Cocky Michael was a hell of a lot better than broody Michael.
He leaned in to kiss me and I quickly brought the envelope up to his mouth, halting his assault. If he kissed me before I gave him his present, all reasoning would go out the window. The card would be forgotten. He just stared at it confused.
“Open it,” I said. It was like he’d never received a gift before. He slowly took it from me and examined the envelope. He raised his eyebrows and showed me the front. I had written ‘Michael’ in big letters across the front and colored it with markers.
“Yeah, so I got a little excited. Leave me alone.”
“Never,” He leaned in to kiss me. When coherent thought finally passed my brain I pulled back.
“Open,” I laughed, amused but annoyed. He opened the envelope and his eyes widened for a second shocked. He held up the two concert tickets that were inside the envelope. I smiled; I’d gotten the reaction I wanted.
“You hate Metallica.” He said disbelieving.
“Exactly why you didn’t buy them for my birthday,” I rolled my eyes. Michael would never say thanks, and while I acted like it annoyed me, I really enjoyed it. He had softened a lot since we’d started dating, and I didn’t want him to loose his bad-ass edge. It was what I loved about him.
“What?” He looked at me confused. He had forgotten his own birthday?
“Your birthday,” I smiled. I was in too good of a mood to get mad at him. I wasn’t sure he was used to so much attention to him; I had to give him a little time to adjust to the idea.
“That’s tomorrow.” He said with a faint hint of happiness I almost didn’t recognize.
“Exactly; the date of the concert.” Michael was starting to smile and it was making me damn near giddy.
“So why are you giving me this today?” He sat down against the door, pulling me with him.
“Because tomorrow’s a Friday, and you won’t show up to school. In fact you’re never here.” I mocked him. If felt good to just be hanging out together, joking. Even if it was in secret; in a chalk filled eraser room.
“Like it’s such a fun place to be.” He mocked back, knowing I didn’t mind class. I just smirked. “How did you know?”
“That it was your birthday?” He just nodded, examining the tickets. I reached into my backpack and pulled out an old tattered planner. It was pink and had a cartoon ballerina on it.
“Remember Mr. Trevors?” I asked him.
“Yeah, that ass with the bad hair?” He said annoyed, obviously bringing back bad memories.
“Not everybody can be as blessed as you.” I smiled, opening up the worn planner to today’s date. September 5. “He used to write all of the birthday’s down on the bulletin board.”
“Oh yeah, those damn star people. That guy was insane.” From what I could remember Michael had lived in the principal’s office that entire year. Mr. Trevors had never been a fan of Michael. No wonder Michael didn’t want to talk about him.
“It was third grade; every teacher had star people… Anyways, I wrote yours down.” I explained, handing him the planner, where I had written with my favorite glittery purple crayon ‘Michael’s Birthday’. He didn’t ask me why I had written it down, his was the only one I had. I wasn’t even sure why I had myself.
“You had a planner back in third grade? Wait, no… You kept your planner from the third grade? Where’s your pocket protector Parker?” He laughed at me. The first laugh from him I’d ever heard. It was beautiful, and contagious.
“Shut up.” I laughed, unable to hold it back. “So I’m a nerd. Like you don’t get off to it.”
“Bold, Parker. Bold.” He stopped laughing and leaned in to kiss me. It sent electric shocks through me, and I wasn’t sure if I’d created them myself or if Michael had given them to me, but I didn’t care. His lips were like a drug, and I was addicted. When he finally pulled back, I could feel a goofy grin forming on my face.
“So you like the tickets?” I asked, opening my eyes to see his filled with desire. He leaded in and kissed me harder. I felt a surge of emotions hit me and I was suddenly in Michael’s mind. I saw him as a young boy back in fourth grade sitting alone in the sand box. It had been his birthday, but nobody remembered or cared.
Isabel Evans had handed him a gift right before school started, claiming it was from Max and her. She left soon after to join her class though. Max and she were in Mrs. Stephens class, he was left in Mr. Day’s. I saw myself walk up to Michael with confidence I could hardly remember. I told him ‘Happy Birthday’ and gave him a kiss on the cheek. But then even I disappeared to go play with Maria.
Never knowing that kiss had been such a big deal. Nobody else had even remembered him. Even the card Isabel given him hadn’t been signed by Max; his own best friend. I hadn’t remembered that day. No doubt repressing it from my memory, along with the rest of my childhood. I swore that Michael had never shown me the card Isabel had given him, so I know that I couldn’t possibly know that Max had not signed the birthday card. But I had seen it so vividly in my mind, and I was damn sure Michael couldn’t have put the image in my head. So I chose to ignore it. Chose to focus on giving Michael his first real birthday ever.
“So you love the tickets?” I pulled away, pressing him to say thanks, only to be amused at the ways he’d come up with to avoid it. He only shook his head ‘no’, and kissed me again. This time nearly sending me into shock from the passion and electricity I was experiencing. I pulled back from him, needing to catch my breath.
“Love me?” I smiled, exhausted from the loss of air to my burning lungs. He just stopped and stared at me for awhile. I was scared what his response would be; we had never brought up the ‘L’ word before. Eventually, he began to nod.
“Yeah, that.” I was the closet he had ever come to saying he loved me, and the closet he ever would.
There I was in an eraser from, sneaking around with my secret boyfriend whom I loved. Trying desperately to hide from my best friend, who hadn’t spoken to me in two weeks. Oh yeah, life was perfect. All because Michael Guerin fell in love with me; Liz Parker.
“Since it will be my birthday, will I get to pick out your outfit for the concert?” he asked with a devious look in his eyes.
“Don’t push your luck, Guerin.” I laughed and leaned over to kiss him again.[/quote]
Michael and I went to the concert the next night, free of parental reign. I had convinced my old babysitter, Jenna, to drive us there. My parents believed that I had gone over to Kyle’s for a party and promised not to bug me. My dad would never allow his baby girl to go to a rock concert alone with the town’s bad boy.
We spent the night rocking out, and somewhere between ‘Hero of the Day’ and ‘Fade to Black’ I fell in love. Michael had gotten to be somehow, and now I, Little Lizzie Parker, was at a Metallica concert, I had lied to my parents, was dating the resident bad boy, and was loving every second of it.
By the time the concert was over, my heart was pounding from the adrenaline and I was struggling for air. The smell of smoke, mixed with the strain I had put on my vocal chords had put a strain on my lungs. But I wasn’t complaining. Michael just laughed at my frazzled state.
“Have fun?” He smiled, unable to contain his own excitement over the entire night.
“I never thought I would like Metallica,” I shook my head laughing. Practically high from the adrenaline rush I was experiencing.
“I always knew you were a bad ass behind that entire sweet and innocent school girl front.” Michael laughed back. I grabbed his hand as we walked to meet Jenna across the street. Both of us fairly confident that we could be so public, Metallica concerts weren’t exactly Roswell’s scene.
Jenna drove the two of us back to Roswell in silence. Our energy had been drained and I was practically passed out on Michael’s shoulder. He was trying to act tough, as if he wasn’t tired. But as always his body betrayed his mind.
Two hours later Jenna pulled up in front of the Crashdown and Michael gently woke me up. We silently got out of the car. When I looked at my watch it read 1:30 am. I said a silent prayer that my parents had already fallen asleep.
“Thanks Jenna,” I whispered, trying not to be too loud, in case my parents were still awake.
“No problem. Go get some sleep. I’ll see you later.” She smiled and drove off into the night.
“It’s my birthday.” Michael grabbed my hand and pulled me over into the alley of the Crashdown. I rolled my eyes.
“And we just celebrated it.” I laughed amused, not missing his lust filled gaze. ‘I’m in for a long night’ I muttered to myself. Allowing my imagination to go wild with all of the torturous thing Michael could do to me.
*
Michael and I returned to our normal lives on Monday, wonderful weekend forgotten in all of the chaos. The school had began selling homecoming tickets, and everybody was caught up in the ‘Who’s taking who’ fuss that always surrounds dances. It was not helping my mood.
Michael was the only person I could ever imagine going with, and the one person I knew I could never be seen with. It was a difficult situation, one I never dreamed I would have to deal with, especially not so young. It was hard. Girls were constantly asking me who I was going with, and I had to tell them nobody. I could only pray no boys would ask me to the dance. What would I say?
The once romantic image of our secret romance had suddenly faded. Brought back to reality, when I realized it was a love kept together by lies. I couldn’t claim surprise; I had helped build the monster. But when I started dating Michael, when we agreed to keep our relationship secret, it had only been a summer fling to me. I never imagined that we would still be together.
And the girls at school weren’t the only ones causing me problems. Once my mother found out about the dance, she was determined to take me shopping for a dress. It had taken me four hours to explain to her that I didn’t want to go. Now every time I saw her she would look at me with that disapproving look. Stating something like, “You’re only young once, Liz.” Didn’t she think I knew that?
My dad seemed to be the only person who was happy about me staying home on homecoming night. His exact words had been, “Girls always come back pregnant or with a new STD after these things. And at the rate you’re going Lizzie… I don’t think that it would be a good idea to allow you to go. You’ll just get high and sleep with your date.” He had looked at me with that disapproving, disowning look. Like I had turned into a monster he could no longer trust.
‘15 day until Homecoming. Only 15 days.’
*
I sat in my balcony journal in hand ready to write. The Crashdown below was filled with students in formal wear, ready to go to the dance. I couldn’t take it. I knew that I had three more years of high school, three more opportunities to go. But that didn’t make the disappointment go away.
Michael had suggested that I take Alex to the dance, but Maria had already asked him. Seems she needed a date to make Doug jealous. Maria had always been petty, but hanging out with Isabel was only making her worse. I could understand their friendship, it was a friendship made to spite me. But that didn’t mean it was good for them.
My balcony was the only escape I had at the moment. ‘Load’ was playing loudly in my room, warning my mother to stay away should she decide to come and talk to me. Michael had leant me the CD after I kept singing the songs over and over. I had to laugh at the memory.
“Take it Parker. If I hear you singing ‘King Nothing’ one more time I’ll be forced to give up Metallica forever.” So typically Michael. As much as he pretended my new found interest was annoying, he was enjoying ever moment. He had corrupted me, and was receiving all the benefits.
I never heard his footsteps over the music, but I could feel his presence all around me. ‘That damn energy’ I mumbled to myself. I didn’t bother to look up at him, I knew it was him. And truth be told, he wasn’t the first person I wanted to see. If I had been with anybody else, I would be downstairs with the rest of the masses. I would be dressed up in a pretty gown, have my makeup on, hair styled… I would be enjoying my youth.
‘Price you have to pay,’ I reminded myself. I loved Michael, and if I had to miss a dance here and there, then I would miss a dance.
“Let’s go, Liz.” Michael grumbled annoyed, breaking me from my thoughts.
“Michael, go where? It’s a Friday night.” I rolled my eyes at his tone. I was the one mad at him; it shouldn’t have been the other way around.
“And this entire town is at that damn dance. Let’s go.” He grabbed my arm and started towards the ladder.
“Alright, just let me change.” I said looking down at my clothes. All I had on was a small tank top, that didn’t even cover my entire stomach, an old pair of pajama pants, and my favorite slippers. Michael looked me up and down, and then shook his head.
“Don’t bother.” He said started to climb down.
“Michael, where are you going?” I grumbled, following him down. ‘Where was he taking me that I didn’t need clothes or real shoes on?’
“You’ll see.” He hurried away from the Crashdown. I was forced to run to keep up. Once we were far enough away from the restaurant, Michael grabbed my hand. I had to smile, yeah, he was rough around the edges, I wouldn’t argue that point, but he was perfect.
We continued walking for about fifteen minutes before he pulled me into an alley between Shelby’s Dance Studio and FixIt Hardware. I just looked at him confused.
“Michael, what are we doing?” I stared at him waiting for an explanation. He just shrugged.
“Turn around.” I rolled my eyes at him, but he couldn’t see. He was too busy playing with the lock on Shelby’s back door.
“What are you going to do?” I sighed, knowing full well what he intended. He was trying to break in; I just had no clue why.
“Unlock it, now turn around. I don’t want you learning any new tricks. I’ve corrupted you enough.” I just turned around obediently. I knew that he was breaking the law, but what harm could it do? Half of the sheriff’s department would be over at the school, and so long as we didn’t steal anything we would be fine.
Once I heard the familiar click of a lock, I turned around. Michael silently took my hand and led me inside. I knew the layout of the place well. It was where I used to take my dance lessons. Ever since I was a child, I had come here every day after school. I had no clue what Michael was planning, and wasn’t sure I wanted to know.
We remained silent as he walked me through the studio, only stopping when he came to the doors of the ballet room. He slowly opened the door, and gestured for me to walk inside. The room was dark, and I couldn’t see anything. Michael found the lights a few moments later. I turned to look him in the eye, but he wouldn’t meet mine. He was just staring at the floor, as if embarrassed. It was then that I noticed the mirrors.
I walked slowly over to the floor to ceiling mirrors to get a better look at what had been taped up. I instantly recognized the photo when I saw it. It was the one of me when I was five, in my red tutu at my first dance recital. I thought that I had packed it away…
The other was much larger, and I didn’t recognize it. But I did recognize the girl in it; she was about five, in a red tutu, with her arms over her head pretending to be a ballerina. I couldn’t hide my smile when I saw the initials in the corner of the painting, MG.
“You painted this?” I turned to look at him, tears already forming in my eyes. Nobody had ever done something like this for me before.
“Yeah,” He nodded. “But don’t tell anyone. Ruins the image.” He smiled, and brought his hand up to wipe away a tear that had managed to fall from my eyes.
“Are you in art class?” I smiled, trying not to cry. Everything was falling apart in my life, and Michael had to go and do something so sweet. I couldn’t handle all of the emotions that were running through me.
“No,” He shook his head. Still staring at me intensely, wanting to make sure I was ok.
“This is amazing.” I said looking back at the painting, looking at the details.
“Tell anybody, I’ll deny the whole thing. I don’t want anyone to know I’m good.” He said walking towards the opposite side of the room.
“Why?” I questioned, watching him play with the stereo system.
“They like to take the things that you’re good at, the things that you love, and rip them to shreds. Crush your dreams.” He said finally getting the power to turn on. A few moments later soft classical music filled the room.
“Who?” I asked, walking over to join him. I pulled out some CD’s looking for something suitable to listen too.
“The world,” his eyes showed a flash of pain, but that was soon covered up. I smiled up at him, reassuring him that he could trust me. That I wouldn’t crush his dreams.
I came across the familiar blue and black CD case, and my face lit up. I handed the case to Michael, unable to hide my excitement.
“Beautiful life, Name, Kiss From a Rose… Let it be?” He said disgusted. I could only sigh, ripping the CD from his hands.
“It’s from the last recital I did here. This was like 97, so yeah… it’s old.” I rolled my eyes placing the CD into the stereo, letting the sound of the Beatles ‘Let it Be’ fill my ears.
“Now, Miss Parker, you are required to dance.” Michael grabbed a chair and pulled it out, prepared to watch me.
“What? No!” I protested. I hadn’t danced in two years.
“Come on, I know you want to. You’ve been wanting to the second you got here.” He smiled; satisfied that he knew how to read me.
“Fine, but no laughing.” I laughed and began to run through the routine. I wasn’t even sure that I remembered the dance, but as soon as the music turned on it was all like second nature. The moves just come naturally. And soon I had left reality, and got lost in my own world.
It had been what I loved about dance. The music would hit you, and take you away from yourself. You could dance, and let go of life, of reality. It was just you and the music. It was what made my childhood bearable.
After more than a few songs, I stopped to catch my breath. It was then that I remembered Michael, who was watching me with a smirk on his face. I walked over to him and sat on his lap. We both just sat in comfortable silence.
Michael and I had reached a point were we didn’t need words so much anymore. We just understood each other. I could tell what Michael was thinking by just looking in his eyes, and watching his expressions. And I assume he could do the same for me. We’d spent enough time with each other by now.
It was why I never asked him why he did all of this for me tonight. This was my homecoming. His way of telling me that my dreams were still important, even if he couldn’t always make them come true, like taking me to the dance. He didn’t need to say anything, I knew. And he was forgiven.
“Dance with me.” I looked up at him pleading as Sarah McLachlan came over the speakers.
“I don’t dance,” He grumbled, more than a little annoyed that I was no longer on his lap.
“Don’t or can’t, Guerin?” I looked at him accusingly. I was going to get my dance, no matter what he thought.
“Don’t.” He glared, but I saw through his lie.
“I’ll teach you.” I smiled grabbing his arm and forcing him to dance with me.
We danced to the music, and while I tried my best to teach Michael the simple steps, it wasn’t registering with him. My feet were suffering greatly, and there was only so many ways I could teach him how to slow dance.
Refusing to subject myself to the pain any longer, I wrapped my legs around Michael’s waist. My position let me know that Michael didn’t mind. In fact, he suddenly seemed more than happy to dance with me. It bordered on excitement.
“You’re un-teachable.” I laughed at him, after the song came to an end.
“Or maybe I just like this position better.” He smirked at me, satisfied with himself.
“I’m not complaining,” I laughed, kissing his neck. Two things I had learned from Michael. Never say thank you. And Actions speak louder than words. And I was very thankful…[/quote]
