Nothing Left But Tears (L POV Mature, 1/1) 4/28/07

[TheAntarianKing]

Title: Nothing Left But Tears
Author: TheAntarianKing
Rating: MATURE Because of subject matter.
Category: CC but L POV
Disclaimer: Roswell belongs to Regency Entertainment, Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation, Melinda Metz, Jason Katims, & UPN. I'm just borrowing them.
Summary: This story is set near the end of "End of the World". I always thought that what Liz did to Max by pretending to sleep with Kyle could have easily have had more serious consequences than what happened in the show. This is what I think could have happened if instead of going to the park and Tess finding him, Max made the mistake of getting in his jeep and driving out into the desert to be alone in his pain. And what if because of this... disaster struck?

Author Warning: This short story deals with character death and suicide. Read at your own risk.


"Nothing Left But Tears"


I can feel myself running out of time as my soul dies within me, growing cold and distant. Knowing that I can only hold the inevitable off so long, I start writing furiously so that everyone will know.


As I sit here, putting pen to paper, so that you will understand my guilt in this tragedy, know that I have nothing left, nothing left but tears... and even they will soon be gone. By trying to play god, not only did I destroy my soulmate... I've also doomed everyone else I know and love. 14 years... that's all... just 14 years, or less, and everyone will be dead. All because of me.

How could I have been so wrong? When Future Max came back in time, claiming that I had to get my Max to fall out of love with me, I willingly went along with him. I went along with him, even though my heart was screaming at me... begging me not to do it. But then, I haven't listened to my heart in a long time... not since I heard that message from his mother.

I wish I could blame this on Max, but I can't... not even Future Max. When I was dancing my wedding dance with him and was touching him, I had a flash that I didn't take time to examine. When I did, I realized that I'm the one who convinced him to come back in time, to convince me to get my Max to fall out of love with me. I'm the one that came up with this insane plan. I'm also the one that thought that if he caught me in bed with Kyle that he'd fall out of love with me and move on with his life.

Humph! Yeah, he really moved on... right out of this life. I mistakenly used Maria as my guide for how Max would react, but Maria's love for Michael is nothing like Max's love for me. Max loves... loved me with his whole being... so when I attempted to kill his love for me, I ended up killing him.

When I convinced him that he'd lost me for good, by pretending to sleep with Kyle, I took away all his hopes and dreams for the future. I took away his reason for getting up in the morning... his reason for facing all the problems that life threw at him... his reason for continuing to exist. I left him with nothing.

I should have known! It was killing me to do that to him and I at least knew that it wasn't real... and why I was doing it. But it was real to him... oh god, it was real to him!

When I saw him looking in my bedroom window, I could see the light in his eyes go out, and some part of me knew what was happening... and I did nothing to save him. He was dying... right in front of me... and I did nothing!

All I did was send Kyle home and let Future Max try to comfort me... as if I was the one dying inside. But I had no idea what pain really felt like... not then. But I do now... I definitely know what it's like now. Because less than thirty-five minutes later, my world truly ended.

Future Max vanished before my wedding dance with him ended, and I suddenly felt empty and alone. But on some level that I wasn't aware of, I could still feel Max... my Max. He was still a part of me... I just didn't realize it.

I broke down into a crying fit that just wouldn't stop, but I was crying for selfish reasons. I cried because I felt that Max would now hate me... he certainly had reason to. I cried because I would now be alone... condemned to live my life without the love that I knew I could have had. And I cried because I had to continue to live this lie that I willingly perpetrated... watching him grow closer and closer to Tess, his destined bride... or so I thought.

But I was wrong... so, so wrong. Lying on my bed, the bed I supposedly betrayed him on, in the middle of an unending crying fit, I suddenly jerked upright and screamed. I screamed because the part of Max I carried inside me was suddenly ripped from my very being, and I knew... I knew with a certainty that chilled my soul... that Max, the kindest, gentlest, most loving person I knew... was dead. And at that moment in time I realized that I'm the one that killed him. Not his body... that just naturally followed his spirit, his soul, which was already dead... at my hand.

I just sat there... staring straight ahead... hardly breathing... trying to grasp what I'd done. But I couldn't. My mind froze and I couldn't think. All my senses shut down. I couldn't see, hear, or feel... anything. In this state my heart, which I had been refusing to listen to, was finally heard... loudly and clearly.

It let me know just how big a fool I was.

When I heard that message from his mother, I told him that I couldn't stand in the way of his destiny, because I didn't think there was anywhere in his destiny for me. The truth was that there was always a place there for me, as his wife and soulmate, right by his side. But I rejected what he willingly would have given me. My mind told me that place was Tess's... but my heart knew better.

So what did I do then? I abandoned him when he needed me most. He'd just been rescued from the torture he suffered at Pierce's hands, and hadn't even begun to recover, when I ran all the way to Florida... listening to my mind, which told me that I was setting Max free to follow his destiny. But my heart knew better. My heart knew that Max would never move on from loving me, and that I should be by his side, helping him recover. The only thing I had accomplished by running away was hurting the man I love... and I never even bothered to apologize for hurting him... my mind wouldn't let me.

When I returned to Roswell, I went out of my way to try and avoid Max and when that proved impossible I tried to get him to believe that I no longer loved him. I didn't succeed. My love for him kept leaking through the wall I tried putting up, and Max received enough encouragement to continue trying to win me back... and he was slowly succeeding. My mind was slowly giving in to my heart, which longed to be with Max... only Max.

My final folly, of course, is this Future Max fiasco. Somehow my mind's belief that Tess was supposed to be by Max's side survived down the years and bore fruit when our future selves were at their lowest. I'm sure now that I was the one that came up with the idea of getting Tess to stay in Roswell by making Max fall out of love with me. Somehow I convinced Future Max to, reluctantly, come back to my present day self and convince me to destroy Max's love for me. I doubt that my future self tried to come up with some other plan, anymore than I did. In the end, my doubts, that I really belonged with Max, caused me to do the one thing that killed the man I love. My heart knew that Max needed me as much, if not more, than I needed him. He was incomplete without me. How do I know for sure? Because I'm incomplete without him... I'm just a hollow shell of myself.

My senses slowly returned to me, and so did the world around me... but it was an empty world. A world of unending tears... a world without Max.

With that thought, I suddenly froze. A world without Max... no Max. It kept repeating over and over in my head. If the world ended because they weren't strong enough to defeat their enemies without Tess, was there any possible way they would be strong enough to do it without Max?! As much as I might wish otherwise, I knew the answer was a resounding no!

I realized that not only had I killed the man I love... but I had also doomed everyone else. Everyone walking around alive, I sentenced to death within the next 14 years. I now had more deaths on my conscience than anyone in human history. Now, not only did I feel dead inside... but I knew I'd never be able to face another living person without seeing the walking dead... and know that I'm responsible.

How is a person supposed to live with something like that? How? I know I don't know... and I don't want to find out... I don't. And I won't. I won't live in this world that I've created. There's nothing here for me anymore anyway, except unending misery.

So I went to Maria's, snuck into her house, found the keys to her mom's car, and spent the last few hours searching for Max's body... or what's left of it. Just before sunrise... I found where his remains ended up. At the bottom of what used to be called Widow's Gulch. A deep ravine over 200ft. deep. The still smoking remains of the jeep led me to him.

I'm leaving this letter so that everyone will know that I'm responsible for this tragedy, and why I have to end it this way. If anyone ever deserved a death sentence more than I do... I don't know who it could be. And since everyone is condemned to death, because of me... it's only fitting that I lead the way.

I've been raised to believe in an afterlife, so I'm praying that when I get there that I have the chance to beg Max for his forgiveness for all that I've done to him. I know that I don't deserve it... but I still want that chance... before I'm judged, and probably condemned to hell for what I've done. Yes, I believe that's where I'll end up. I tried to play god. And everything I did... I meant to do. It's the consequences of my actions that were unintentional. I learned the hard way that only God is wise enough to play god.

So if you pray for anyone... pray for Max. For I know of no one more deserving of finding happiness in heaven than him. The kindest, gentlest, most loving soul of anyone I've ever met, or ever could meet.


Sheriff... I've done all I can to make sure you're the one to find this letter. I'm trusting you to make sure that only the right people get to read it. Max's and my parents deserve to know the full truth. So if Michael, Isabel, and Tess object... my final request to you is to tell them the truth anyway.


Maria... you've been my best friend, and I know you'll mourn for me... even though you shouldn't. But please, move on with your life... don't dwell on me... and do your best to be there for Alex.

I know that Michael loves you, so find it in your heart to forgive him. Don't let the Courtney thing keep you two from finding what happiness you can. I've left you with no more than 14 years, so don't waste them fighting with each other.


Alex... you're the brother I never had. Be there for Maria, she'll need you.

I don't know if Isabel loves you or not, but I think her feelings for you are stronger than she will admit to. So don't give up on her yet. There's still time for you to find each other before the end.


Kyle... you've been a friend that I could count on. Don't feel guilty for what I convinced you do. The blame is mine. I think I may have interrupted something between you and Tess. I'm not sure... but if I did, then don't give up on her, and be there for her if she needs you.


Tess... I don't know what to say to you. Part of me wants to blame you for everything that's gone wrong in my life, since you came to town... but that would be wrong of me. Everyone should be responsible for their own actions, so I have to accept responsibility for mine. You claimed to love Max, but somehow I doubt that it was real love. Maybe if you give Kyle a chance, you'll find out what real love is all about.


Michael... I know you're furious with me... and you have every right to be. But please... don't take your anger out on Maria. She needs you to be there for her, to be her strength. I also know you love her, so treat her right. Learn to think before you act, and you'll be less likely to hurt her. It will also help you to be a better leader... which you are now. You have less than 14 years before your enemies show up. How much less... I don't know. Without the power of the four-square, I don't believe you will be able to win, but whatever you do, you can't let the Granilith fall into enemy hands... it's too powerful. If you can't protect it... then you'll have to find a way to destroy it. Give it your best shot, Michael. Max would have wanted that.


Isabel... I-I don't think there is any way that I can tell you how sorry I am. I once told you that I wouldn't take your brother away from you... and it didn't occur the way you envisioned, I'm sure... but I did end up taking him from you, and I'm extremely sorry about that. You may be glad that I'm dead... but you also probably wish Max never saved my life... and truth be told, I'd have to agree with you. Everyone would be better off if I had died that day. Especially Max.

As for you, I hope you can find some happiness in your life... possibly with Alex. He really does love you, you know. That might not be possible though, because you have one of my failings. You're letting your mind rule your heart. If you continue to do that, even though you're unlikely to make my mistakes, I guarantee it will lead you nowhere but to unhappiness. So please... find a way to follow your heart.


Mr. and Mrs. Evans... there are no possible words capable of telling you how sorry I am for what I did to your son. Even though I'm responsible for his death... I never even considered it a possible result of my actions, or I wouldn't have done them. I love him with my whole heart and soul. I know that's hard to believe... the way things have turned out... but it's true. And Max's love for me was so strong that he couldn't live without it. So I have just one request, that I hope you can find it in your heart to allow. Please... let our remains to be buried next to each other. I know I don't deserve to rest next to him, but it's what I want... and if Max had the chance to tell you what he wants, I know he'd tell you the same thing. So please consider it.


Mom... Dad... I-I know you're disappointed in me... and you think that ending my life was the wrong decision. But not only do I deserve a death sentence for what I've done... there's just no way I can live with the consequences of my actions. Dying will be a vast relief... that I don't deserve, but need. There's just no way I can go on living in this world I've created.

I do have one request. If you can still love me... knowing that I've destroyed everyone's future... then please, honor this, my final request, and bury my remains next to Max's... if his parents will allow it. Max and I didn't end up together in life, and I don't see how our souls will end up together in death... but our remains being buried next to each other is symbolic of the way it should have been. Two people, brought together by fate against incredible odds, and as in love with each other as Max and I were, should be together. And our remains resting next to each other are really all that we have left.


Ever since I felt Max die, I've had this vast emptiness gnawing away at my insides, slowly consuming me. And now I feel completely dead on the inside. I'm just a hollow shell that now has nothing left but tears, which I can't seem to stop. One way or another they'll soon be over... so I guess this is my final good-bye.

I guess there's nothing left to say, except to again tell everyone that I'm sorry... as meaningless as that is. Live the time you have left to the fullest.

Liz Parker (murderess)



Leaving the letter on the front seat of the car, Liz stepped out into the morning air. The world around her was completely still, the air heavy and unmoving. The ravine in front of her still had a slight trail of smoke rising out of it... and it called to her with a power she couldn't, and didn't want to fight.

Moving up to the edge, she looked down at the remains of the jeep... and Max. It was light enough now for her to make out his burned skeleton wedged in the mangled wreckage of the jeep. But she really didn't need to see him to know for sure that he was dead. No... she didn't need to see.

Wiping at her unending tears, she pulled out her cell phone and called Sheriff Valenti's private line at the Sheriff's Station. It didn't make any difference if he was there or not. If he wasn't, then his voice mail would record her final message.

But he was. "Hello. Sheriff Valenti speaking."

The emptiness inside her caused her voice to sound surprisingly calm as she stated, "Sheriff. I'm reporting two suicide deaths at Widow's Gulch. You'll want to investigate this yourself. It's Max Evans and Liz Parker."

She ended the call as the Sheriff asked, "Is this a..."

Walking slowly back to the car, she carefully put the phone down on top of her letter, closed the door to the car, and turned back toward the ravine. She stood there for a moment as she wiped the tears from her face for the last time.

She said a final prayer that she would get to tell Max that she loves him and beg his forgiveness for all she'd put him through. Then she uttered the last words to cross her lips. "It's finally over."

As she took off, racing for the edge of the ravine, her cell phone, which she'd left in the car, started ringing... but she never heard... and wouldn't have stopped if she had.

Reaching the edge, she dove headfirst into the depths below. And as her target, the rocks next to the jeep, rushed up to meet her, her final thought was, 'I'll love you forever Max.'


The End?


Author Note: In case you are wondering, Max did not commit suicide. Liz was wrong about that. He just made the mistake of driving over dangerous terrain with the picture of what he saw and heard at Liz's bedroom window playing over and over in his head, such that most of the time he wasn't paying attention to what was in front of the jeep. His death really was an accident.