I Can't Love You [M/L; Adult] Completed 01/18

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I Can't Love You [M/L; Adult] Completed 01/18

Post by guelbebek » Mon Feb 05, 2007 1:20 pm

thanks to behrsgirl77 for this wonderful banner :D

Rating: Adult for the prologue, the rest is mature

Summary: Liz was raped when she was 15. Now she's 21 years old and she's struggling with college life. She has no contact with any men except Michael, her best friend Maria's boyfriend, but what will happen when she meets Max Evans? Will she ever trust or love again? Or will the secrets she harbor stop her from feeling.

Disclaimer: nothings mine :D

AN: This story is fully written in german and I'm now translating it into english. We (me and my beta) already have 6 translated and edited parts. we hope for weekly updates and later on more often hopefully. :D

one more thing, evelynn and sweetbrowneyes inspired me to this style. :)

Big thanks to my wonderful beta Dreamerlaure!! :D She's helping me out with this fic, and with my english this is a big help. :)

I Can’t Love You


She heard the steps behind her get faster. Panting she went around a corner and started to run. She was sweating as she ran because she was scared, because she still heard her follower. If she hadn’t stayed so long at Maria’s this wouldn’t be happening now. New York wasn’t the safest city to stay outside in after midnight, and for a young girl, it was even worse. Liz didn’t hear or see anything behind her as she went further into the alley, but she still ran.

Then somebody grabbed her arms and pushed her to the ground. You couldn’t see her tears because it was raining. “No,” she whimpered and she tried to crawl away.

He pressed her arms down onto the ground. He had an easy play at her. She had been walking alone in an alley, and she was a small, weak girl. “How old are you?”

She didn’t answer at first, and she only wept more. Then “please…please let me go…” she plead as she tried to free her arms.

He held her wrists tighter and demanded an answer.

“Fifteen,” she whispered and closed her eyes.

The man smiled. This girl was just fifteen. At the beginning of the day she never thought this would happen. Fifteen; it was his lucky day.

He pressed his weight on Liz and when he did she could smell him. He smelled of sweat and cigarette smoke.

“Please, let me free. Please, let me go, please…”

She only wanted to go home.

The man pushed his hand under her skirt and stroked her roughly. Liz tried to press her legs together and she tried to scratch him but it was impossible. She even tried to cry out but he covered her mouth shut and beat her once in the face.

“Be quiet, and it’ll be fast. If you cry, I have to hurt you.” He opened his belt and pushed his jeans down.

“No…no…please not,” she plead, and her cries turned him on. He kissed her roughly and massaged her breast. His hands were rough and Liz closed her eyes and tried to block out the pain.

“Soon it’ll be over,” he whispered in her ear. He opened her blouse and kissed the newly freed skin. Liz couldn’t defend herself any more and he penetrated into her with a fast move.

“No!” she cried when she felt the pain going through her body.

“It’s your first time!” he shouted like a crazy man and he urged himself in and out of her.

“Please, stop…please,” Liz cried, but her pleas wasn’t heard. She was fifteen, beautiful and still a virgin, and he couldn’t stop. His thrusts got faster and his touches rougher. Liz could feel the pain in her abdomen, in her breasts and in her arms. The wet and cold ground pressed into her back and scratched wounds into her skin.

“Now…now…,” he shouted and collapsed onto her. He kissed her one more time and got up. Then he pulled his trousers back on and tightened his belt. Liz didn’t move to get up. She only cried more.

“You women are only used for this.”

He kicked her one last time and then he went away.

“Why didn’t anyone help me…”

Chapter 1

Why don’t they leave me in peace?

No, Maria. No, Michael.

I don’t want to go out.

“Maria, get out.”

I hate it.

My best friend is so stubborn.

“Call me if something happens.”

They treat me like I’m a child.

I’m 21.

It was six years ago.

Six years ago.

Didn’t you hear?

It’s over.

But why am I dreaming every night of that night?

There’s a knock on the door.

Who’s this?

I hate the dorm. You can never be alone.

“Hi,” the dark haired guy says when I open the door a split.

“What do you want?”

I’m unfriendly I know, but only to all men.

To every man, except Michael.

“I’m looking for Michael; do you know where he is?”

Do I look like a babysitter?

“He went out, with Maria.”

“You know him well, don’t you?” he asks me.

Oh please, hopefully Michael didn’t tried to find a boyfriend for me.

“Yes, he’s the boyfriend of my best friend.”

“You share a bathroom, don’t you?“

I already said, I hate this dorm.

You have to share a bathroom with someone.

I share with Maria and lately, this also means I share with Michael too.


I don’t do small talk with men.

Only with Michael.

“Could I go through your room into his?”

He smiles. I don’t.


He didn’t expect this answer and he stares.


“I said no,” I say and I close the door.

I jump on my bed.

He knocks again.

I don’t move.

“I just want to go into his room,” he says desperately.

“Who are you?”

I don’t open the door.

“I’m Michael’s brother.”

“What’s your name?”

“Max Evans.” That’s right.

“Where was Michael born?”

“New York.”

New York. New York.

I push the thoughts away.

“Why is he living in Seattle?”

My last question.

“Are you a freak or what?”

It doesn’t annoy me. Maybe I am a freak.

“Maria moved a few years ago and he went with her.“

Yes, Maria and I moved a few years ago.

I open the door.

He looks at me like I’m strange.

I also open the bathroom.

He takes his bag and enters it.

“Thanks,” he says with a small smile.

The rooms aren’t very big.

Maria won’t want to sleep in a bed with Max.

And Michael doesn’t have a second mattress.

“Should I sleep in Michael’s room?” he asks.

“Ask Maria when she gets here.”

“What’s your name?”

He’s now standing in Michael’s room.

“Liz,” I answer unwillingly.

Why did I answer?

”Good night, Liz,” he says calmly.

Wasn’t I a freak before?


I close my door.

On impulse I do not lock the door.

Maria will come back later.

I can’t lock it or she would wake me.

And he is Michael’s brother.

He would never do anything to me.

Last edited by guelbebek on Thu Jan 17, 2008 8:00 pm, edited 53 times in total.
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Post by guelbebek » Thu Feb 08, 2007 7:15 am

Thanks for the wonderful feedback everone. I hope you like this chapter, too. :D

Big thanks to Lauren for betaing this! :D

bye guel


Chapter 2

I hate it when Maria sleeps over.

But, I also can’t live without it.

“Maria, I want to sleep.”

“How long do you think he’ll stay here?” she whines.

I roll my eyes.

I press the pillow over my head.

“He can’t just take over my spot in my bed.”

“It’s Michael’s bed.”

She’s getting on my nerves.

Why can I hear her still?

The pillow isn’t good.

Maria’s voice is too loud.

“He’s my boyfriend.”

“Good night.”

Sleep Maria, sleep. Please.

“Maria, I have a lecture tomorrow early.”

“Liz, where are we going to have sex? Max doesn’t know anybody, he’ll be here all the time.”

I sit up.

Maria turns the lamp on my bedside table on.

“Why do you think he’s here? He studies and works in New York.”

Max Evans is going to be a doctor.

“Maria, he’s just visiting his brother.”

“I have the feeling he’ll stay long.”

That’s enough.

I stand up and go into the bathroom.

I need a few minutes for myself.

I wash my face with cold water.

I look terrible.

Pale hair, dark eye rings. I hate nightmares.

I hate my life.

I’ll never to back to New York.

I feel sick so I throw up.

That’s nothing new.

It’s routine.

“Oh, I didn’t know that you were here.” I hear his voice.

That can’t be true.

I feel like I’m in a bad film.

“Leave me alone,” I say and I hold my belly.

It hurts.

Physically and mentally.

“Wait,” Max says and he holds my hair.

I’m too busy to contradict.

After I emptied my stomach, I close the toilet and sit on it.

Did that wake up Maria?

No, now she’s sleeping when I’m wide awake.

“Are you okay?”

He wets a towel and presses it against my forehead.

“Leave me alone,” I repeat myself.

“But you aren’t okay. You look pale, maybe…”

I look at him.

He gets silent.

He knows I don’t want to hear this.

Someday he’s going to be a doctor.

I’m not sick.

My soul is sick.

Max can’t heal this.

Doctors can’t heal this.

“Should I help you into your bed?”

I stand on shaky legs and Max touched my elbow.

I step away and go to wash out my mouth.

“Why don’t you let me help you?”

He’s annoyed.

Everybody is annoyed with me.

Even Max and he doesn’t know me.

My parents don’t want to see me.

My relatives don’t want to see me.

Only Maria and Michael are here.

And now Max.

“I don’t need help.”

I don’t deserve your help I want to say.

I get sick again.

I throw out the rest of what’s in my stomach.

“You’re seriously sick.”

You’re seriously sick.

You’re seriously sick.

You’re seriously sick.

I’ve heard this many times.

“Do you want to go to the hospital?”

“I don’t drive with strangers.”

“I’m Michael’s brother.”

“And a stranger.”

He looks at me in the mirror.

He’s annoyed, but I’m not afraid of him.

It’s strange.

Normally I would cry already.

”Now I understand Michael.”

I look at him curiously. Michael?

“He said nobody can cheer you up.“

What does this have to do with cheering up?

I shake my shoulders and dry my face.

“I’ll do it.”

I’m confused.

I look confused.

Is he obtrusive? I think no.


“Make you laugh.“

It is so obvious that I don’t laugh anymore.

Sometimes I grin.

“Try,” I say disinterestedly.

When I leave the bathroom, I see him smiling.

I close the door and lean against it.

I smile.

I smile about Max Evans.

It feels good.

Freeing, relieving and then my mind goes back to New York.

My smile disappears.
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Post by guelbebek » Sat Feb 10, 2007 8:28 am

Thanks to everyone for the feedback! It's wonderful. And if there are any lurkers around, thanks to them, too. :D

Earth Angel

Here is the next part, I hope you like. I think I'll post from now on so every five days. I can't promise it but it shouldnt be a problem for the next time, because my beta Dreamerlaure and me got a huge work done in the last week. :)

bye guel


Chapter 3

“Miss Parker where is your essay?“

It’s Psychology.

Sometime I wonder why I took this class.

“Mr. Brown, I’m not finished, yet.”

“You’re lying.”

I hate this man.

He reads everyone’s minds.

“That’s not true,” I protest.

“Go into your room and bring it.”

I live in the dorm right by our class.

At times that is good, but at moments like this, it is very bad.

This is one of those moments.

“Mr. Brown I don’t have the essay.”

I lie.

He know it, I know it.

“Liz, you’re my best student.”

I’m still Miss Parker for him. What is he thinking?

“Why have you got a problem with this task?”

Me and a problem? Never

“Why can’t you deal with rape cases?“

That’s enough.

I turn around, wanting to leave the room.

Somebody enters.

Max Evans.

“It’s good that I caught you, Liz. You forgot this essay in your room.”

He’s smiling. He’s smiling.

He snoops in my room and smiles afterwards.

I can’t believe it.

“Maria asked me to bring it to you.”

“Ah, Miss Parker, is this the essay I want?”

“Mr. Brown this was only a concept.”

Max, be quiet.

“Um, Liz… this looks…”

He gets interrupted by Mr. Brown.

He takes the papers from his hand.

Looks at it.

We had to judge a case: a man raped a young girl.

It was said the accused is “innocent.”

I was asked to make a certificate, to show his “innocence.”

But My judge accuses him more.

I can’t defend such people.

“I was looking for this,” my professor says. “Thanks, Mr…”

“Evans. Max Evans.”

They shake hands.

They make small talk.

Max is 26 years old.

Two years older than Michael.

“You have a good friend, Liz.”

Mr. Brown goes away.

“No thank you?” Max asks.

“You ruined this class for me,“ I say.

“Maria said the essay was due today.”

“I forgot the essay on purpose.”

“Why would you do that?”

Because he doesn’t fit the demanded critics.

I walk past him and say nothing.

Maybe I chose the wrong job.

A psychiatrist for criminals; it’s not really made for me.

“Do you want to get a drink of coffee?”

Max walks with quick steps next to me.

“I have to go to class.”

“Not for another hour.”

God, I could kill Maria.

“I have to prepare something for it.”

Why am I lying?

Max’s feelings aren’t important.

“Honestly, I don’t want to drink a cup of coffee with you.”

“Maybe a cappuccino or espresso?”

Cappuccino? Espresso?

“You’re smiling.”

I’m smiling?

I press my hand to my mouth and walk faster.

“Liz Parker smiled,” Max says.

“You know, everybody smiles one time.”

Don’t they?

I’m not as crazy. I smile, too.

“But I made you laugh.” He’s proud. “Actually where are you going?”

I notice now that I’m in the dorm.

It makes me nervous that Max is following me.

“I’m going into my room.”

Isn’t it obvious?

“But I though you have a class to go and prepare?”

I’ll kill him.

So many questions.

“I won’t go,” I say.

I never missed my class on body language.

Max’s gestures shows me that he’s a friendly person.

But gestures are not everything.

“God, Maria,” I say disgusted. She’s with Michael…on my bed.

At least they still have their jeans on.

“No sex on my bed.”

“We would have gone to the mattress,” says Maria smiling.

“We’ll go into my room,” Michaels says and looks at Max.

Poor guy he has no home for a few hours.

“You can’t live a day without,” I say.

“Not everybody can live without sex like you do,” Michael hisses back.

I can feel the blood in my cheeks.

I should feel hurt but I’m only embarrassed in front of Max.

Maria looks at Michael angrily and she puts her shirt back on.

“Go back to your room alone.”

She pushes Michael through the bathroom.

“You can go with him,” she says to Max. She’s annoyed with him too.

Confused, he follows Michael.

“Sweetie, I’m so sorry,” Maria whispers.

I don’t want to hear this.

I don’t want pity.

“If you would let me…”

I shake my head.

She swore she wouldn’t tell nobody.

Not Michael, not Max.

“Don’t you want to meet somebody? Someday?”

I look at her shocked.

“Liz, there are good guys. Michael is a good guy. Max seems to be a good one.”

Why don’t I deny it?

Why don’t I shake my head?

Why do I believe her when she says Max is a good guy?
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Post by guelbebek » Wed Feb 14, 2007 4:14 am

Thanks for the wonderful feedback. Hope you like this part, too. I'll be back in a few days! :D

Dreamerlaure – thanks for your fb. You’re wonderful beta for this! :P

alizaleven – here is the update, i hope it was soon enough :wink:

begonia9508 – It will take a while, but Liz is already making small steps. :)

dreamer19 – Thanks for your words. :D

Emz80m – She didn’t. :| Her class mates and teachers don’t know about her past.

Erina – Don’t be pessimistic. I only once did write a bad Max and this was in Blind Date’s past. :) :roll:

TrudyGill23 – Thanks for the feedback. :D

Chapter 4

One week with Maria in the same room.

I should go in a madhouse, but that would I do there any differently anyway?

Also, without Maria’s help, everybody thinks I’m crazy.

I’m sitting with my therapist for our weekly meeting.

“How are you, Miss Parker?”

“I’m good.”

It’s always the same.

“Then why are you coming to me?”

I’ve come here now for five years.

Since last year she asks me the same questions.

“You waste your money.”

And my time she wants to say, but this would be impolite.

“I can’t change it,” I answer.

Actually, why not? Mrs. Madison knows also no reason.

“I think meanwhile I know the reason.”

She sits on the table in front of me.

She has already grey hair.

A few years ago she was younger.

I wait till she speaks again.

“You’re afraid of changes.”

“I don’t think so,” I protest.

“Then tell me why you aren’t going back to New York?”

Oh, that I couldn’t even tell her.

I don’t know her privately and have still secrets.

“We know what happened but it was long time ago. So tell me why you won’t go back?”

I stand up.

Should I say I’m not going to come back.

I say this every time in the last weeks.

A week later I sit here again.

I sit down again.

“Oh, we make progress,” Mrs Madison says.

I’m afraid of changes.

She knows that I know.

“Do you want a normal life?”

I look at her and nod.

“Then stop coming here.”

I have been determined to do so.

More than one time.

But it never worked.

Now I feel overtaxed with these questions.

“Maria’ll pick me up.“ I stand up.

“We’ll see you next week.”

She said that not me.

I take my bag, leave the room, and I sit in the waiting room.

Maria won’t be here for fifteen minutes.

Mrs Madison knows but she never says anything.

I get out a book for my law class.

Why do I have to learn about the laws?

There are lawyers for it.

At exactly one o’clock I leave the building.

Maria isn’t here, yet, and it makes me wonder.

She has a class in half an hour. We would have to go now to make it.

A few minutes later a car drives into the parking lot.

Automatically I make a few steps backwards.

“Hey, Liz!”

I’m glad it’s not a stranger.

It’s Michael.

“Where is your car?”

I get in.

I trust Michael.

“In the workshop.”

“Did they give you this car?”

“No, it’s Max’s. Actually he wanted to pick you up.”

Max knows that I was at the therapist?

Why does he want to pick me up?

And why didn’t he?

“Why didn’t he come?”

Michael looks at me.

“Liz, we’re talking here about you.”


“The most paranoid person on this world I know.”

“Hmmm…” is all I say.

Michael doesn’t know about the rape.

I can’t be angry with him.

“Would you drive with Max?”

I shake my head.

But I hesitate for a second before I do it.


“Does Max know where I was?”

Michael shakes his head.

Why do I feel relieved?

“You talk today more than normally.” He smiles at me.

“Max complains all the time that you don’t want to talk with him.”

Don’t I want to talk with him?

“I just wanted to say, that he’s okay. Really okay.”

Sometimes they forget what I study.


I know that Max told Michael to say those things.

“Max said I should tell you this.”

This is not a piece of the tactic.

“But let me say my opinion, Liz; he’s a good guy.”

He looks at me quickly when he drives into the campus parking lot.

I look outside.

“Thanks for picking me up.”

“Maria had to go her class,” he explains.

Did I ask?

For 50% of the time Michael picks me up when Maria can’t.

It’s bad to share a car.

Maria and I share one but I don’t want to drive it.

I never drive it.

I don’t want to have any car trouble with a car. That could leave me alone…

“Where is Max?” I ask Michael.

Why do I ask at all?

I don’t understand myself.

“At the hospital. I drove him.”

My eyes go wide.

“Keep calm, he has to make a practical work there.”

“How long will he stay in Seattle? “

“At least two months.”

I smile when I go into my room.

I smile for the second time in these weeks.

And again Max Evans has something to do with it.
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Post by guelbebek » Sat Feb 17, 2007 6:11 pm

Thanks for the wonderful feedback. Mrs. Madison says to liz stop to coming because she knows liz will never open up to her fully and that she can’t help her anymore. Liz knows this, also. And Michael/Liz, there not much about them but tiny pieces. Hope you like the next chapter.

I’m sorry the parts a short but they get a little bit longer with the time.


Chapter 5

“Liz, please.”


“Liz, I’m begging you here. A bed!”

“Maria, no.”

How could she ask me this?

“Liiiz,” she whines.

“Why me?”

“He doesn’t know anybody else.”

”It doesn’t matter.”

I want to help her.

But her proposal is not acceptable.

“Liz, we didn’t had sex in a bed since he’s been here…in days. Do you understand that?”

“Maria, he can go elsewhere.”

“Hey girls,” Max voice comes from under the door.

His body follows.

He smiles…he’s always smiling.

“What are you doing here?”

”Michael said you and I would watch a film tonight. He has to work with Maria on an essay.”

My ass an essay.

Max grins.

He knows Michael is a liar.

Pressuring me to spend the night with Max?

“Liz, I won’t stay overnight.”


I hope so.

“You know I would never do that to you.”

She could never do that.

Because I would get mad with Max right away.

Or I think I would go mad.

At least I can throw him out.

I’m not friendly to men.

“Go,” I say.

“What films do you have here?”



“We’re going to the cinema.”

He’s glad but for the wrong reasons.

I only want to be in a public place.

I won’t stay alone with a man.

Only with Michael. Not with Max.

We watch a comedy.

I was against action, thriller and drama.

We had no other choices.

Max is sitting to the right of me.

An obtrusive man is sitting on my left.

I chose the lesser evil and sat close to Max.

He smiles at me.

Hopefully he’ll kiss me.

I mean not.

Hopefully he won’t kiss me.

I would throw up if we kiss.

I think so.

I would throw up if we kiss because I’ve haven’t kissed anybody in six years.

The film is boring.

I look over at Max.

I only want to know if he’s laughing.

That’s all.

He is laughing.

Why don’t I find this film funny?

He sees me looking at him.

I look away.

He shouldn’t think something false.

But he does. He wants to take my hand in his.

I jump when I feel the touch of his skin.

My popcorn falls to the ground.

“Liz,” Max whispers.

I run out of the room.

Out of the cinema.

People turn around to look at me.

But it doesn’t matter to me.

“Liz,” Max cries.

He has my elbow.

“Let go.”

I cry.

I can’t stop the tears.

He thinks I’m crazy.

”I’m sorry,” he says and lets go.

I wait for his questions.

We’re walking back to the dorm.

I choose every main street.

No short cuts.

“Liz, you’re a beautiful woman,” he says.

I’m not beautiful.

I’m broken.

“You’re intelligent and even funny in your way.”


This time I think Max is crazy and not me.


I was also intelligent six years ago.

Did it help me?


“Why don’t you date?”

Why are you so closed off?

Why don’t you act like you’re 21?

I waited for these questions.

Not this one though.

“I don’t have the time to date.”

I’m a bad liar.

He knows it. I know it.

He doesn’t say anything.

Max is a strange person.

“Do you like it in Seattle?”

“I’m studying here,” I answer.

Why should I be here when I don’t like it.

I like it everywhere but New York.

“Maybe I want to stay here,” Max says.

Michael would be glad.

I say nothing.

We’re at our rooms.

I open mine.

Maybe Maria is still not here.

The bathroom door is open, and I can look into Michael’s room.

“They’re only watching TV.”

“Good,” Max says.

“Do you want to go to the cinema again sometime?” he asks me with a smile.



He crosses my room.

I want to say something.

But what? I can’t.

I sit down in front of my notebook.

I have to write an essay.

It won’t work.

I know it won’t.

And then I’ll fail Mr. Brown’s class.
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Post by guelbebek » Tue Feb 20, 2007 5:51 pm

Hello everybody! Thanks for the great feedback. Thanks you Lauren, for betaing this and bumping the story. :D


Chapter 6

“Miss Parker, rewrite this essay correctly.”

Mr. Brown said that to me today.

I gave this essay in to him twice.

One was the one Max brought.

Then I corrected it one more time.

It is still wrong.


Because I represent the accused one as guilty.

But he’s “innocent,” Mr. Brown said.


He didn’t deserve to go to jail. Only psychiatry.

I would judge him to death.

This is my third try.

This won’t work.

I need help.

But I have no contact to any of the other people from my class.

I’m not a very friendly person.

Maria is studying fashion, so she can’t help me.

Michael is going to be an engineer.

Max is going to be a doctor.

He studied psychology.

Those are both types of medicine.

He would be my best choice.

I wish I wasn’t in this situation.

Max isn’t talking to me.

He hasn’t for days.

I turned him down.

So why should he help me?

I can’t ask him for help.

I won’t ask him for help.

“Hey Michael, is Max there?”

“Liz, you can come in,” Michael says.

I open the door.

I enter the room.

Michael is sitting at his desk.

Max is on the bed with his notebook at his lap.

They both don’t look at me.

I turn around, and I go back.

I hear them murmuring.

Michael is used to my behaviour.

But Max?

He surely wants to run away from me.


I look towards the bathroom.

He’ll ask me what this was about.

“What did you wanted to say?”

“I need your help,” I admit.

“You, my help?”

He smiles.

“With what?”

“With my essay.“

“Let me see it.“

He bends over me.

I smell him and get panicked.

I stand up. Hysterically.

I lock myself into the bathroom.

When I come back he’s sitting on my bed.

My notebook on his lap.

He’s tipping away.

“The evidence shows that he was drugged.”


He could still rape her.

“It doesn’t matter. He chose the drugs.”

“He was drugged by others.”


I pull up my eyebrows.

“Liz, do you want me to help you? You don’t have to convince me that he’s guilty. You have to convince the jury that he was irresponsible.”

“Do you think so?”

I look at him urgently.

He looks away.

Then he looks back at me.

I’m afraid.

I think he can read my mind.

“No, but your task says that you have to come to this resolution. Also your professor was against the other two essays, so this has to be right.”

What news.

I wanted to know his opinion.

“You’re too much in the role of the victim.”

Oh no.

I’m walking up and down.

I have to control my rage.

I passed the class about control.

It shouldn’t be a problem.


A haze collects in front of my eyes.

I’m going to cry.

I sit down and lean against the wall.

“I want to be alone.”

“How old are you?”

“How old are you?”

I was fifteen. It was six years ago.

I have to control myself.

“Whatever you wish,” Max says.

He goes without a futher word.

My tears won’t stop.

But after a while they stop.

Tomorrow the homework is due, so I have to get up.

I sit down in front of the laptop.

The essay is finished.

Max has corrected it.

He rescued me.

I’m very thankful, but I know Max is very angry.

“Hey…Liz,” Maria shouts out.

She entries my room. “What are you doing?”


I don’t want to talk.

Not at all.

“Liz, we’re going to Jenny’s birthday.”

I moan, once, twice.

I have to go.
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Post by guelbebek » Sun Feb 25, 2007 5:30 am

Thanks for the wonderful feedback. I love every word of it. Thanks to Lauren for being my beta. :D Hope you like the next part.

bye guel


Chapter 7

“Lizzie! Lizzie!“

“Hey, Jenny!“

I take the five year old girl into my arms.

“Where’s Michael?” she asks.

She loves him.

“Hey, Maria and Liz,” Maria’s cousin greets us.

“Amanda, the last time I saw you was a long time ago.”

I say nothing.

Maria hugs her.

I hug her.

Michael and Max shake hands.

“Who is this?” Jenny asks.

“He’s Michael’s big brother.“

She walks over to them.

Maria and I go help out in the kitchen.

David went to pick up the pie.

“Where’s Daddy?” Jenny whimpers.

Max goes to her to comfort her and I watch them.

Jenny is five.

I was fifteen.

It was six years ago.

Six years, that makes five.

I’m confused.

David comes.

We drink coffee and eat pie.

Michaels’ car is still at the workshop.

He drove with Max.

And I with Maria.

I haven’t got a good feeling.

“I want pictures,” Jenny shouts.

Maria shows one of her and her parents.

I show one of her, Maria and Michael.

Jenny waits for me.

Max takes her into his arms, and Maria holds the camera.

Looks in my direction.

Jenny is five years old.

I go to them and stand next to Max.

The picture has to look strange.

I’m stiff.

Maria deletes it and says she wants one more.

I bite on my lower lip.

Max puts his arm around my shoulders.

I bite my lower lip.

David makes a joke, but I’m not laughing.

Maria gives up.

She just takes the picture.

Right after I take a step side wards.

“Liz, we’re going to a club. Are you coming?”

We’re walking to the cars.


“I’ll drive you back,” Max says.

“I changed my mind. I want to go.”

I don’t drive with strangers.

Michaels lifts his arms up into the air.

He laughs and shakes his head.

“Liz is still a mystery to me after all these years.”

He’s walking with Max.

A few meters in front of us.

“You know she wasn’t always like this.”

No, Michael, stop talking.

We met once or twice back in New York.

We met before everything.

We met a long time ago.

“When?” This is Max.

“In New York,” he tells him.

Maria, please stop this discussion.

She feels my uneasiness, and goes to Michael.

But it’s too late.

I’m already biting my lower lip.

New York.

I hate that city. I hate everything about that city.

That’s my problem.

Now I want to go back to the dorm.

“I want to go back.”

Max wants to drive me again.

This time I say nothing.

On the way we don’t talk.

It’s already dark.

I should be afraid, but I feel safe with Max.

Memories come back.

The time six years ago.

The time five years ago.

I don’t like to be alone.

Because of that I have a mattress.

And Maria, she sleeps over when I’m afraid.

But Maria isn’t here.

Only Max.

And me.

Sleeping alone?

Sleeping with Max?

“Do you want to sleep in my room?”

My voice trembles.

Max looks at me.

He’ll ask why.

What can I answer?

He pulls off his shirt; he wears a black undershirt.

He unzips his jeans; I turn my back.

“Good night.”

He lies down on the mattress.

I can only see his back.

I lie down with my clothes on.

I watch him.

I’m not afraid, but I also can’t sleep.

A stranger is in my room.

He breathes calmly.

Maybe he’s already sleeping?

“What?” I hear his voice.

He doesn’t look at me.

I don’t answer.

He’ll think I’m asleep.

“Liz, I know you’re awake.”

Maybe I don’t breathe calmly enough.

I have to try harder.

Abruptly he turns to me, and looks into my eyes.

“I have to go to the hospital tomorrow.”

There it is again…He’s smiling.

“Then sleep.” I can’t say more.

”But I feel your eyes. It makes me nervous,” he admits.

“Why don’t you ask me questions?”

I jump from one thing to another.

But he knows what I mean.

He shrugs his shoulders.

We still look at each other.

“I think you won’t answer anyway.”

He’s right.

“Is that the only reason?”

I don’t know why I am interested in what he’s thinking, but I wait.

“I think you’ll tell me when you’re ready. Besides I have a feeling…but I don’t want to push you.”

Does he know?

The essay.

The changes after New York.

No sex with men (I hate Michael for this).

The break downs.

Hypersensitivity to touch.

He has to know.

He raises his hand to me.

Like I said the rooms are not very big.

The mattress is on the floor beside my bed.

I don’t want to twitch.

I try.

But when his hand touches my cheek it’s over.

I turn to the other side.

Max sighs.

“I’m sorry. Please don’t be afraid of me.“

I hear him turn around.

He knows it. I’m sure he does.

I feel so ashamed.
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Post by guelbebek » Fri Mar 02, 2007 1:40 pm

Thanks for the wonderful feedback. Hope you like the next part. :D


Chapter 8

“Liz, you’re different.”


Maria’s never said I’m different.

I’m always the same.

I should change myself.

Go to the hairdresser.

Get my nails done.

Buy new clothes.


It’s a Saturday.

We stay in bed until Michael comes home.

He works in a bar all night and comes back in the morning.

Every Saturday he brings us breakfast:

“You look happier.”

Hmm…could be.

“Do you want to go back to New York in the summer?”

Maria hardly sees her mother.

And the reason is me.

I don’t want to go back.

Her mother doesn’t come to Seattle often.

“Maria…” I warn her.

I don’t talk about this city.

“Liz, it’s time.”

“I can’t.”

“Liz, she…”


I stand up.

I put my clothes on.

“What are you doing?”

“I want to jog.”


Running helps me.

I feel so free when I’m running.

Maria never comes with me.

She’s too lazy.

I run until I can’t breathe.

I don’t have to think about it.

“Should I come with you?”

My eyebrows lift.

She won’t come unless she gets something in return.

“Afterwards we’ll go shopping.”


“Nothing. Only you and me.”


We run until Maria can’t anymore.

So we stop after 45 minutes.

I normally run two hours.

We go back to take showers.

Michael’s sleeping.

Max isn’t there. He has weekend work in the hospital.

We write a note and leave.

We pass a hairdresser.

I look into it when we pass.

Maria buys a short skirt.

I don’t wear skirts.

For six years I haven’t worn skirts.

“Come on, Liz, try one.”

She does this all the time.

I say no every time.

This time I go into the changing room.

My skirt is longer than hers.

It’s white.

It shows off my legs.

I bring it back.

I try a black one.

I don’t like it.

I bite my lower lip as I walk to the cash register.

Maria has paid already, and she’s waiting outside.

I go to her.

“Liz, did you get it?”


She shakes her head.

I don’t wear skirts.

We pass the hairdresser.


“Hmm…” she says absently.

She taps something on her phone.

“I want to cut my hair.”

This grabs her attention.


I nod.

“Liz, the last time…”

I was at the hairdresser’s another time.

They washed my hair.

It was long, down to my ass long.

When I saw the scissors I stood up to leave.

Maria had to run after me.

I haven’t had short hair for a long time.

The last time was six years ago.

“I want it, really.”

My hair gets washed up.

He asks me how I want it.


He looks at me.

“A little bit longer than my shoulders.”

That’s a good piece that has to be cut.

“I just want anything different,” I say.

He smiles.

“Okay, we’ll make it shorter and give you a layered haircut.”

I can only nod.

I close my eyes when I see the scissors.

This time I don’t run.

I sit and Maria gets her hair colored.

Two hours later he’s finished.

Then Maria wants to be made up.

They ask me too.

I say no.

Maria looks at me.

Her eyes plea with me.

I sit down.

They make me up: a little bit of powder, eyes rimmed with black liner, and lips that glisten.

I look into the mirror.

That’s not me.

My hair has volume.

It looks perfect.

It shines. I shine.

But my eyes…They don’t shine.

“Liz, you look beautiful,” Maria says.

She convinces me to go out with them.

“I knew you were different,” she smiles..

“You’re imagining it.”

I’m not different.

Only she thinks so.

“Does this have something to do with Max?”

My hair annoyed me, so I got it cut.

“Maria, me and a guy?”

She shakes her head.

“You’re right.”

I’m right.

Of course I’m right.

I’m right, aren’t I?

Then Maria pressures me to buy new jeans.

“Did you lose weight?”

Could be.

My pants have gotten bigger.

Do I buy them too big or am I getting thinner?

I don’t know.

But I know I buy never my size.

The jeans are always too tight.

“This is good,” Maria says.

I wore it for only a minute.

“And a new top,” she pleas. “Come on, Liz. For tonight.”

Then She pulls me into the next boutique.

We get back in the late afternoon.

Maria says I can’t go into Michael’s room.

Maria says Max isn’t allowed to see me until I’m ready to go out.

“The hair, the eyes, the jeans and the top is going to kill him,” Maria says.

I don’t think so.

It will kill me.

I don’t want to go anymore.

I want to say it but she’s already in the bathroom.

When she comes back, I’ll say I won’t go.

I can’t do this.
Last edited by guelbebek on Fri Jun 01, 2007 6:05 am, edited 2 times in total.
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Post by guelbebek » Wed Mar 07, 2007 6:02 am

Thanks for the wonderful feedback. I love every word of it. Yes, liz is getting counseling but it doesnt help her much because she doesnt open herself fully to Mrs Madison.

Liz behaves like she was raped yesterday, because in those six years she lived in her memories. And now Max is there to take her our of her past :D I hope you like the new part.

bye guel


Chapter 9

“Hey, Liz,” Michael shouts.

He whistles when he comes into the room.

I got myself ready.

Actually I didn’t want to.

But lately I don’t understand myself.

“Doesn’t she look wonderful?”

That’s Maria.

She laughs, and Max comes in.

I didn’t see his reaction.

I couldn’t look at him.

We drive in one car.

I’m willing to drive back later.

I don’t want to forget how to drive.

And I don’t drink.

I never drank in my life.

Michael is the first one to go inside the club.

With his body he pushes people aside.

He holds Maria’s hand, her other hand holds mine, and Max is behind me.

I hate overcrowded rooms.

I feel safe.

“Is it okay?”

We’re sitting on two bar stools.

I nod. Nobody can come up to us if they’re here with me.

Max is on one side, and Michael on the other.

Max orders us drinks.

Maria takes my hand.

She knows I’m afraid.

A little bit.

The last time in a club was a long time ago.

It always ends in a catastrophe.

But Maria drinks.

She’s really happy.

She says she hadn’t had such a good time in a long time.

She gives me a kiss; I flinch.

“Where’s Max?” Maria asks.

We look around.

He’s dancing.

He’s dancing with a pretty blonde girl.

She fits him.

Small and petite.

Maria and Michael stay with me.

They move with the rhythm but they don’t dance.

They don’t want to leave me alone.

I feel bad.

I’m stopping them from having fun.

If we had two cars, I would drive home.

But I don’t drive alone.

And I don’t use cabs.

Max comes back.

He tells Michael about Trish.

He knows her from before.

She’s here with her fiancée.

“Do you want to dance?”


I can smell him.

He’s shouting in my ear.

I’m trying to block out the panic.

Maria and Michael are already gone.

“The dance floor is too full.”

Max sits on the bar stool.

“Let’s dance here.”

He smiles.

He has a nice smile.

I shake my head.

“Do you want something to drink?”

I shake my head.

He laughs.

“What do you want to do?”

I don’t answer, but I smile.

“I like your hair.”

He touches the ends, and I don’t flinch when he does.

I flinch when he lets go.

“You look different today.”

He didn’t say beautiful.

I don’t smile.

“You look beautiful.”

I smile and blush.

I can feel it. I can feel the rhythm.

I move a little bit to it.

I like dancing, but not with so many people around me.

Max tells me about his study.

And then about his parents and his and Michael’s childhood.

I only understand half of it because it’s so loud inside.

I’m thirsty.

I lean over to the barkeeper to order a glass of water.

I shout out when I feel a hand on my arm.

Max is arguing with the guy.

He seems younger than me.

But he shocked me.

How can he touch me like that?

My hands tremble.

The glass slips out of my hands.

“Are you okay?”

It’s Max. I nod.

He isn’t touching me, and I’m very thankful for it.

“I want to go.”

I take my bag.

We leave Michael and Maria dancing.

Max wants to let them know.

I don’t want to go onto the dance floor.

I cross my arms and wait.

Max laughs and leads me outside.

He puts me next to the doorman.

I will wait here until he comes back, he says.

I tell him not to leave me alone, and he promises to be back in a second.


He isn’t back.

But, a moment later:

“We’ll take the car. Maria and Michael are both drunk, and they said they would catch a cab.”

I nod and we walk to the lot.

“Do you want to tell me what happened?”

We drive home when he asks me this.

I close my eyes.

“He grabbed my arm and I got panicked.”

“Liz, he barely touched you.”

I don’t say anything.

This was not the first time something like this happened, but again it ended in a catastrophe.

“You’re a beautiful woman. It’s normal that they want to talk to you?”

“Then why did you argue with him?”

I was panicked.

I was afraid.

However I heard what Max said.

He said I’m his girlfriend.

I get more panicked.

I get more afraid.

This time he doesn’t answer.

I look at him.

He ignores me.

I could ask him why he doesn’t answer.

But I don’t.

He doesn’t ask many things.

“Do you want me to sleep in your room?”

We’re standing in my room.

Max doesn’t have a key to Michael’s room.

He always passes mine when Michael isn’t here.


He smiles, leans against the bathroom door.

With anybody else I would get afraid.

But not with Max.

Not with Michael.

Now there are already two men I don’t fear.

”Liz, you’re a mystery to me.”

He’s still smiling.

I get the feeling the corner of my mouth will rise, but I’m not quite sure.

“Is this good or bad?”

Why do I ask him this?

Of course it is bad.

Liz Parker is crazy.

“It’s good. I like mysterious women.”

I’m not mysterious. That sounds positive.

I’m scary.

“You can’t like me.”

I get in a bad mood, and look away.


“You want to be alone, I know. At least you’re talking now to me, a few sentences.”

He opens the door.

I breathe out, relieved.

“Maybe you’re right. Maybe I really don’t like you, and maybe it’s already more than liking.“

He whispered that, and now he’s gone.

I jump on my bed.

He can’t like me.

Not when he knows what kind of person I am.
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Post by guelbebek » Sun Mar 11, 2007 5:43 am

I love your words. Thank you for the kind feedback. I hope you like the new part.

bye guel


Chapter 10

“You look different, Liz.”

Mrs. Madison smiles.

“Did something happen?”


I know what she wants to hear.

But she should stop asking.


“Did you pass an important exam?”


I failed the last three.

The checks from my parents stopped coming.

Allyson needs more money now.

Therefore, they stopped sending me money.

I think I’m getting a headache.

I can’t think about New York.

“Did you meet someone?”

Do I look like I did?

I’m wearing my new top.



She knows I’m lying.

“Only Michael’s brother.”

Max is only the brother of Michael.

Nothing more.

“How old is this brother?”

Do I have to answer?

I don’t want to.

Mrs. Madison and I never talked about men.

Because up to now there were no men.

No that’s not right.

There is no one now. But Max is only Michael’s brother.



I knew it.

This discussion gets uncomfortable.

I want to go, but I’ve only been here for twenty minutes.

My appointment’s for 45 minutes.

“What’s his name?”

What role does his name play?


“Is that a nickname?”

Oh, I don’t know this.

Trish probably knows.

Sometimes I think about those things.

But then I think I’m crazy.

I shake my head because I need to get back to the present.

“I don’t know.”

Mrs. Madison nods.

“What do you feel about Max Evans? I suppose Evans?”

I nod absently.

She knows everything about Maria DeLuca and Michael Evans.

“I’m getting picked up.”

I stand up hurriedly.

I put away my notebook.

I’m always scratching when I’m here. It helps me talk.


She doesn’t call me Liz often.

I look at her.

“What did you just say?” she smiles.

I shrug my shoulders.

“I’m getting picked up.”

“And what did you say every time until today?”

I hesitate.

Maria’s picking me up.

I aways say this.

She sees right through me.

That’s what I’m studying, or that’s what I’ve learned.

They change sentences so that they are different.

“Who’s picking you up?”

She smiles at me.

I feel panic aroused in me.


I leave the room.

I wait in the waiting room.

Max asked me to go with him to the hospital.

He wants to show me around.

It’s a private hospital for surgery.

It is his first real job.

He’s so proud of himself.

The first three times I said no.

I ignored him since Jenny’s birthday.

But the fourth time I said yes.

“And here’s our café.”

Max leads me around, showing me his patients.

There are older people.

I read out loud to a woman.

She actually decides if she likes someone or not after they read to her.

She likes me.

I smile shyly.

“Along here is the children station.”

I stop walking.

I don’t want to go into this station.

I turn around and walk towards the exit.

“What are you doing?”

I don’t want to say it.

Don’t want to admit it.

“I’m hungry.”

He knows that I’m lying.

“I know a good restaurant near here,” he smiles. “I know you won’t want to go but I’ll still try. It’s our first date.”

We stand in front of a Mexican restaurant.

“I don’t go in there.”

“Why not? The food is really good.”

I walk back to the car.

“Don’t you like Mexican food?”

I’m not a racist.

But I can’t see Mexicans.

“Do you still like me?”

Why did I ask him that?

We’re driving back home.

We’ll order the food at the dorm.

I can eat Mexican food, but I can’t go into a restaurant.

“Every day a little bit more.” He smiles.

I look out of the window.

I don’t believe him.

We sit down on my bed and watch TV.

We eat out of the boxes.

Max is feeding me.

It feels funny but okay.

I choke on my food.

I think I’m throwing it up, and he laughs about it.

I think I’m disgusting.

“Liz Parker, at the moment, right now, I like you more than ever… but I think I fell…”

“Hey!” Maria cries out when she storms into the room.

We look at her shocked.

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

She looks disbelieving.

What did I forget?

A call? Letters? What?

“You failed three exams.”


“Max, let us alone,” says Maria.

He waits for something.

I can’t say, “Stop, don’t go.”

We’re not such good friends.

He wants to be, but we’re not.

Max puts his food down and goes.

“Liz, what were you thinking?”

I don’t answer.

“How long has this been happening?”

I don’t answer.

I make the TV louder.

She’s ruined my mood.


“Don’t Maria me. What is it?”

“They don’t send me any more money.”

I don’t need money.

But that’s not the point.

“Your parents? It’s no surprise when…“

She gets silent.

Because I stood up.

I pick up the car keys.

I run out of the room.

I always run away.

Maria knows it. I know it.

The last time I drove was a long time ago.

Can I still drive?

I wish Maria would come after me.

Hold me back.

I actually don’t want to run away.
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