Roswell Fanatics

Departure Series

Author: Roswellianprincess16 aka Selena

Rating: TEEN

Disclaimer: I do not own any of Roswell or its characters.

Summary: This consists of three different POV's that take place during Departure, each one part long. They follow the story line, nothing is changed, it is simply to explore what the characters were feeling.

Author's Note: I will be starting with Liz's POV, and then going on to Max's and then Tess. I will post the new POV on Friday. I would also like to thank Lissa for beta-ing for me. You're the best.

Unspoken- Liz POV

“Liz… Tess is pregnant.”

His words register in my mind, even now, as we go into the lab. My mind is swirling with the disbelief that seems to be plaguing me. He not only slept with her… but now she’s pregnant? The constant reminder of his infidelity will belong to the woman I have grown to despise? The pain burning within my chest is too much. I know this is how it’s supposed to be. I know that. And still, it doesn’t make the pain any less. I pushed him into her arms. I made him believe that Kyle and I slept together. And now… we can’t go back. She’s pregnant.

I try to focus on the task at hand.

“If I were an alien, and I was having trouble threading a needle, I would probably just use my powers. But, I probably wouldn’t need a needle to begin with; I probably would just zap the blouse the way Isabel did it…. They’re human blood cells, take a look.”

I can’t help the edge in my voice. He’s too close, standing beside me, his arm upon the table. I move over, making some room for him to glare into the microscope. I look away, not wanting to look at his face, but as he gets closer, I look back at him, unable to look away. There are so many things to think about. Leanna is innocent. Tess is having Max’s child. Things are so messed up now. How are we ever going to fix it?

“If Leanna was innocent, then who killed Alex?”

“I don’t know.” I answer honestly as I watch his anger begin to flare.

“You must have some idea who it could’ve been!” He snaps and I face him head on. He’s dug himself into a hole and the frustration is eating at him.

“Whoever did it set up an innocent girl. We have to start from the beginning. We have to find him or her before they kill someone else.” My frustration is eating at me as well. Not only because I’m terrified of this killer, who may be out to kill the human members of this secret club, but because I can sense that something is seriously wrong. That Max is torn about something.

“I can’t do that. I don’t have time.” Don’t have time? It’s as if I’m spiraling downward, lost within my thoughts.

“What are you talking about?”

“Tess’ child, our child….” The words make my stomach sink and I turn from him in anger.

“Yea, well that’s your personal life.” I throw my hands up in the air, because there’s nothing else I can do. Because, it’s all out of my hands. His life is no longer intertwined with mine… not the way I want it to be.

“It can’t survive here, he’s dying… We’re leaving.” I’m not sure if it’s the actual words or the tone of his voice that makes me turn around. Suddenly, there’s an ache in my stomach, a worry burning over me. I… I don’t know if I can bear him leaving me. Yes, I’m angry at him. And somewhere inside, I know that things can never go back to the way they were. But… I don’t think I can imagine a life without him. He’s always been there, even before I knew he was.

“Where?” I bring myself to ask the question. But I’m afraid my eyes are betraying what I’m really feeling.

“We’re going back.” He practically whispers. Then I feel the thump in my heart. It’s not possible. Is it?

“Back?” I point upwards, not able to say what it implies. Remembering when he himself made that gesture, and wanting so desperately to go back to those simple times.

All he does is walk closer to me, his eyes examining me carefully.

“When is this happening?” I say, snapping out of my memory. He’s before me now, his eyes looking into mine in a way that I vaguely remember.

“Tomorrow, just after dawn.” I’m looking at him, registering the sadness on his face. But instead of feeling bad, I can’t help but be angry.

“You can’t leave before this is resolved.” I demand, suddenly feeling completely alone. Would he just leave us to this killer? Without even looking back?

“The way the granolith works….” I know he’s trying to remain calm. To simply explain something to me. But, I’m so angry I’m not even thinking straight. He’s just going to leave us here. To leave and forget everything we’ve been through. And not even because it’s his choice but because he slept with Tess and she’s now pregnant!

“I don’t really wanna hear about how the damn….”

“I know you don’t.”

“You can’t just leave us with a killer out there.” You can’t just leave me here.

“I don’t have a choice!” And that’s when everything breaks loose within me. Don’t talk to me about not having choices Max Evans. I KNOW what not having a choice looks like, and from what it seems, you willingly had sex with Tess. My mind wanders to Future Max. I was supposed to have made love to Max that night. Instead, he… made love to Tess. My heart finally breaks within me. The worst feeling I’ve ever had.

“Not anymore but you did and then you got Tess pregnant!”

“I know you’re upset.”

“I- I trusted you, I gave you everything. I jumped off bridges for you, I broke laws for you, I risked getting shot for you, I trusted you! And you go off… God with Tess! God, I saved myself for you!” And then I shut down. Because I never meant to say all those things. I never meant to let him know just how betrayed I felt. I never meant to tell him so much.

“Saved yourself? You slept with Kyle!” I take a deep breath. It’s all out now. The months of lying, the secrets I’ve had to hold so close to my heart, they’re all out now.

“Take me home.” I demand, not knowing what else to say.

The drive home was long and silent. The tension building from every angle. I partially regret what I said. Partially regret getting so riled up that I lost my head for a minute. But, part of me is relieved. I hated lying to him. Hated hurting him the way I did. In a way, it’s like a load has been lifted off my back, knowing that he’ll leave, partially knowing the truth.

We park in front of the CrashdDown and I turn to look at him for a moment, simply feeling everything I had denied myself for months. This was the man that I would have given everything for. That I gave up a future I desired for. That despite Tess and the baby, I still love him. It doesn’t make it right, but I love him.

“I always thought when we graduated I’d give you my ring. Looks like I won’t graduate, so… this is something… from where I’ll be.” I reach over and grab the edge of the pendant, feeling the heavy burden of tears that I’m trying so hard to fight. He lets his fingers linger, and I look down at his hands, hands that once made me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world.

“I can’t believe that this is what I have of you. I can’t believe that after everything….” I turn away, because I don’t want to look at him. I don’t want to look into his eyes, because I can feel his pain as well. And I know, the minute I do, it’s going to break me.

“Liz… you never slept with Kyle, did you?” I turn to face him, and the pure regret in his eyes is enough to make me wish I could disappear. I don’t want to feel this pain. I don’t want to have to live my life missing him. I nod my head, defeated, and tired of lying.

His face seems to wrinkle in pain, and I hold back my tears, feeling the tingle in my face muscles. I can’t think of anything to say. Nothing will make things right again.

“I wish… I wish this all could have been different. I wish that so much.” I wish it too. I think to myself. I wish it so badly. Then he does something I didn’t expect. He kisses me.

His hands reach up to my face and he puts his lips on mine. I know for sure that this is our final goodbye. I take in his scent, the feel of his lips, like none other on my own. I try to memorize the feeling, try to remember the way Max had always made feel. I reach up and touch his face, letting my hand linger on his jaw.

I think back to all the kisses we’ve shared, all the feelings that have flowed through both our veins and somehow melded us into one being. And the sadness overtakes me. Because I’ll never be able to feel that way again. Because the man that I love is leaving me…. Forever. I’m so angry at him. I hate what he’s done and I wish I could go back and change so much. But, all I have left is this memory. This memory of how much he loves me, because I can feel it. I can feel it on his lips, in his hands that run through my hair.

His lips linger on mine, a desire we both share to just never move from the place where we are. I can feel his hesitation, his hands remain on my face, his lips remain firmly against mine, and then he pulls away softly, as if getting the last taste. I let myself linger near him, my eyes closed, my heart in pieces. I pull away finally, and I look at him, with the tears blurring my vision.

I can’t let him leave without answering the one question. The one thought that has been plaguing me since I found out.

“I guess this is our goodbye.” I say, without being able to mask the hitch in my voice. This moment is exposed, naked between the two of us. We both know how much pain this is causing.

“Just tell me one thing. Do you love her?” I sit, waiting for the answer, because the fear is almost paralyzing. The thought that had sprung up when Tess first came to Roswell. When Max kissed her and saw things.

I guess I’m not that special after all… huh?

My voice rung in my ears, the hurt look on his face at my comment. Now, he looks at me, with those sad, beautiful eyes and lets his hand linger in my hair.

“Not like I love you.”

I stare at him, unsure of how his words are supposed to make me feel. I know I hold a special place in his heart. But it hurts immeasurably to know that she has also affected him so deeply. That she will be another he remembers as his love.

I get out of the Jeep, because there’s nothing left to say. I can’t stay there. I walk over to the CrashDown doors, the one place that united us. I turn to look back for an instant, as I see him attempt to smile, his own eyes full of tears. I’m never going to see him again.

I walk into the restaurant and let the door close behind me. I take a deep breath and the tears begin to fall, fast and free. The pain is unbelievable, a truly physical pain, an emptiness that scares me. I lean against the door and let my body slide to the floor as I’m attacked by the sobs. And without looking, I know he’s still out there. I don’t want him to leave me.

“I love you.” I whisper the words I couldn’t tell him. The words I know that somehow, he already knows.

Past the Point of No Return- Max POV

Only once before do I ever remember feeling this kind of pain. I’ve never been more afraid of anything, than I am at this moment. Her words continue to loop in my head. There’s a pain inside of my chest that I can’t seem to get rid of. It’s almost as if I can no longer breathe, as if everything inside of me is breaking.

“I can’t believe this is all I have of you. I can’t believe that after everything…” Her eyes were full of tears and I couldn’t bring myself to stop them. Because, I myself wanted to let the tears run. But I couldn’t. I had to be strong for her, to show her that perhaps it’s not as bad as she thinks. But it is. It’s worse. The idea of never seeing her face again practically chokes me. Liz is part of my normal. Part of my life for as far back as I remember. Losing her means losing every trace of everything I’ve ever known. And moving forward with a life that I don’t remember, a life that that I’m not even sure I want.

I sigh to myself, feeling the tension building, the tears threatening. I have to ask this question one last time. I have to because in some way, I’ll never be complete until I know the truth. And somehow… even now… I think I’ve always known.

“Liz, you never slept with Kyle, did you?” I ask carefully, memories of all the previous times flashing through my mind. But not as precisely as the very last time, in her room, when I wiped the smile off her face by asking one more time. She could barely answer. She could only just nod, her eyes looking at me sadly, holding some untold secret. But I prodded no further. I wanted to bury the memory, to get past it. Because I couldn’t have a life without Liz, despite how we existed.

Now, she’s shaking her head, her eyes brimming with tears. I had known it all along. I couldn’t believe that she had slept with Kyle because it meant that everything we’d ever shared was a lie. And I simply couldn’t believe that. Now… here I am, guilty of doing the same thing. Of acting like what we shared wasn’t the most incredible thing I’ve ever felt. Of letting myself, on one moment of weakness doubt how much she loved me. Or how much I loved her.

“I wish this could all have been different. I wish that so much.” I don’t hide the crack in my voice. I know that she can understand what I’m feeling, because I see it in her eyes. I see the same pain that I’m suffering echoed in her eyes.

So, I kiss her. Because I just want to remember what it was like when we loved each other. When life was simple and when all I ever craved was the taste of her lips. I don’t want our kiss to end, and I feel all of the inner pieces of me breaking. All the walls that I set up against her, because of the anger and because of the hurt are all crumbling beneath me. I can’t stop them. I don’t want to.

We begin pulling away from each other, but I let my hand linger on her face, because I want nothing more than to remember her, and this moment. Where we’re not fighting or hating. We’re simply… together.

“I guess this is our goodbye. Just tell me one thing. Do you love her?” A single tear falls on her face and I feel myself get lost in those brown eyes. How am I supposed to tell her that what I feel for Tess is nothing compared to what I’ve always felt for her? That my sleeping with her had nothing to do with love or any emotion similar to it? That I gave up believing in us?

“Not like I love you.” I settle, knowing right then, that I’m lying. I’m lying because I don’t know what else to say. Because I want to give her some sort of closure. And because I want to try and convince myself that I haven’t completely screwed up my life.

I watch as she steps out of my Jeep and my mind registers that it’ll be the last time I’ll ever see her. She walks toward the CrashDown doors and turns to face me. I try and smile, but my sadness is overwhelming. I feel like part of me is breaking; leaving with her through those doors never to be recovered. The same part that partially broke when she walked away from me and that crumbled at seeing her in bed with Kyle.

The door closes behind her and I feel the burning in my eyes as the tears begin to attack me. I must have sat in the Jeep for almost a half hour, crying, breaking, letting myself feel everything I’d been denying myself for weeks. I cried for Alex, I cried for Liz, and I cried for the mess that I got myself into.

The drive home felt like an eternity. How was I supposed to keep it together with Isabel? Knowing that I felt the way she did and just had to put up with it? That I had to be calm about it?

Making our goodbye video for our parents was numbing. Knowing that Isabel was torn inside and that it was my fault, I did it to her. That I was making her do something she didn’t want to do because of my immature decisions. I knew then that this choice would haunt me for the rest of my life. My one mistake would follow me forever.

We drive over to the Valenti’s to get Tess. I take a few deep breaths. I’m not sure I can face her.

I walk quickly into the room.

“Let’s go.”

She stands, a little unstable and I grab her to help her stand straight.

“Max, are you sure you want to do this?” She asks. No. I’m not sure about anything anymore. I’m just a teenager. I don’t know if I’m ready to be a father. And the truth is… I always thought my first time would be with Liz.

I nod nervously in response.

“Yes.”

“Right.” She says, as if also making sure. Then, in desperation I kissed her. I’m not sure why, whether to prove to myself that this was really happening, or to get myself used to living my life with this woman. Who I don’t yet know how I feel about, but it proved to be a mistake.

“You kissed Liz.” She says incredulously, as she pulls away from me. I never thought that she would see it. But the feeling of Liz kissing me was yet to leave my mind. The feelings she rose in me hadn’t gone away. And Tess knew that. She sensed it.

She looked at me, as if expecting an explanation. I wasn’t apologizing. I wasn’t going to make excuses for my actions. This was the woman that I loved for years and I’m not going to see her again. I had to say my goodbye, and I wasn’t letting anything stop me.

“Don’t worry. You won’t remember her where we’re going.” She snaps and turns to walk away. I know she was angry. Jealous, even, after all, she was carrying my child. But, I couldn’t lie to her. There was just no way for me to take back what I did. I didn’t want to. If Liz hadn’t walked away from me tonight… the truth is… I’m not sure what I would have done.

We go toward the tunnel, out near the desert. Sheriff Valenti is there to help us finish everything off. Michael reaches his hand out and the Jeep begins to roll, sending my youth and all the memories down the cliff and exploding in flames. There’s a certain sadness that comes along with that moment.

Isabel gives Valenti our tape, and when she reaches out to hug him, I feel my stomach turn. Then Tess hugs him and for a moment, I feel a sting of guilt. Maybe, I’m not the only one suffering from leaving. Maybe… somewhere deep inside Tess is really going to miss her human life.

Finally, I walk up to Valenti, looking into the face I’d known since my childhood.

“I need you to protect Liz, Maria and Kyle.”

“With my life.” He says and then hesitates. I can tell that he wants to say something. Then he does. “It’s been an honor to know you Max. It’s been an honor.”

An image of the scary Sheriff flashes through my mind. The night at the Crash Festival where he threatened to find out all there was to know about me. And he did. And still, he vowed to protect us. This man grew to be like a father figure, the father who knew my secret. We hugged, and I let myself feel the pride that he was beaming. Despite the shameful circumstances of the situation.

“Same here.” I say, truly meaning every word. Then, we go off into the darkness of the night headed toward the pod chamber.

It was still bright and humming, as if the energy within it were building, ready to take us home. No… back to Antar. Home would always be left behind here. Because home is where you heart and soul is and mine will always be here… with Liz.

We got in place and I placed my hand against the glass tunnel. There’s so much going through my mind. So many questions about this place, so many worries about leaving the people I love behind. Then, there’s the lingering feeling that won’t leave me. I’m leaving them behind with a killer. I don’t let my concerns show. Because, I can’t let on that I’m unsure. I’m supposed to be the leader, the one in charge.

I can see the fear on Isabel’s face. The uncertainty on Michael’s. I’m sure I mirror them, partially, because it’s exactly how I feel inside.

“Max.” I look over at Michael, who has an odd expression on his face. “I can’t go.”

I look at him, unsure of what he means. Isn’t it Michael that had always wanted to go home?

“Ever since we came out of the pods I’ve been on some quest to find where I belong.” I watch Isabel’s horrified eyes.

“I finally found home. But the weird thing is, it’s here. It’s on Earth.” I’m practically speechless. But, in some way, it warms my heart to see Michael find home. To be so complete.

“You of all people.” I step forward, knowing that this was it. Things were quickly changing.

I walk over to him and hug him, hating to have to say goodbye to someone else I love. But, if it means his happiness, I’m more than happy to have him stay. I don’t want him to pay for my mistakes. I feel a sense of security, having him stay behind to care for those I can’t.

“Take care of yourself Michael. I love you.” I say, knowing that he needs to hear it.

“You’re a great brother.” I pull away.

“Take care of the others.” Even though I know he will. I watch Isabel, her sad eyes looking at the boy who is pretty much her brother, just as much as I am.

“I would understand.” I whisper, unable to make her do this.

She looks at me and breaks my heart with the tears falling down her face.

“What you said before. You’re my home too.” She hugs Michael. We stand there, as if in disbelief that it’s all happening.

“Well, whoever’s coming, we have to go. Now.” I hear Tess’ voice in the background, like a distant sound that I can’t recognize. Michael looks up at the Granolith one last time. Then, he lowers his head, and turns to leave. My whole mind is now clouded with the desire to stay behind. To have the freedom to make that decision, but I know I can’t, and I can’t blame anyone but myself.

It couldn’t have been more than a few moments later when I hear footsteps and Michael runs back in.

“Max stop!” I turn at the sound of her voice, not believing what I’m hearing. Everything is a clump inside.

“It was Tess. Tess killed Alex. She mindwarped Alex and sent him to Las Cruces to decode the book. When he broke out of the mindwarp she killed him.” Her words became a tangled mess in my mind. I didn’t know what to think. It was all too fast, too sudden.

“It was true, I was there. I witnessed it.” My whole body was reacting, something was wrong and I couldn’t pinpoint why.

“Why didn’t you ever say anything?” I burst out, knowing that I really have no right to yell at him that way, but feeling frustrated at the change of events. Time was running out.

“Because she mindwarped me too.” Kyle walks over to Tess, his face registering all the hurt and anger he’s feeling. “You lived in my home. We trusted you. You were like my sister.”

I turn to look at her face, not wanting to believe it was true. But, the look of shame is written all over her. There’s a fight happening within her that I can see through her eyes. My face falls. I made the mistake to trust her, and there are things biting at me that I can’t explain.

“How much time?”

“3 minutes.”

“Everyone out.”

“Max….”

“NOW!” I can feel the anger growing within me. The betrayal was beginning to seep through and I was realizing the magnitude of it all. Alex. The one who had been truly loyal, the real friend. And I misplaced my trust. I handed it to her, simply because she was of our kind. Everyone steps out of the room slowly and I walk toward her, as if seeing her for the first time.

“Did you kill Alex?” I walk, making her take steps back.

“I didn’t want to, I wish I hadn’t but I did.” I can’t believe a word she’s saying. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to believe her again. It might have all been a lie. Everything she ever said, about us, about our planet. It might have all been a lie.

“Why?”

“Look Max, the clock is ticking, we don’t really have time…”

“Tell me why!” My voice explodes in echoes within the chamber.

“He would’ve told you what I did and I couldn’t let that happen.” I tighten my jaw, not even sure that I was looking at the same woman.

“So, you just killed him?” I don’t try to hold the disgust from my voice. Why did I ever trust her? Why did I allow myself to open up to her?

“I didn’t mean to. His brain was just so weakened by the mind warp, and… look, none of this matters now.”

“Life matters Tess. My life, your life, his….”

“What matters is getting home, but you could never understand that could you?” I watch her anger flare and I look at her in my own amused fury. What right does she have to be angry? “I might have been able to teach you but that stupid bitch had you wrapped around her….”

The word is like a slap in the face. All of this was about Liz. It has always been about Liz.

“Don’t you EVER call her that!” I explode, ready to slap her against the wall. I can’t believe I fell for all of this, that I allowed myself to ever believe her lies.

“See! Look how quick you run to her defense! Why couldn’t you ever feel that way about me? I’m your wife, Max! I’m carrying your child.” The words make me want to vomit. She was right. It was a mistake I wasn’t going to be able to get away from.

“This was all some kind of plan to get pregnant and go home, wasn't it? Home to what, Tess? To Kivar? To our enemies?” I’m trying to make sense of everything. Trying to understand it all. Why? Why after everything? I was beginning to believe she was… a real person. A human being underneath that alien attitude Nasedo had implanted in her.

“They’re not my enemies Max.” It seems I was wrong. This woman was just as much a heartless alien as her protector.

“You made a deal with them, with Kivar.” It was suddenly so clear. And I fell right into her trap. With no second glances. Why should I have ever believed she was a different person from the woman we first met last year? Who came between me and Liz without a blink of an eye.

“No, Nasedo made a deal. Forty years ago.” And how does that make anything better? How does that change what you’ve done?

“What was the deal? Tell me!”

“To return home with your child, and deliver the three of you to Kivar.” The words make my stomach turn.

“What would happen to us once you delivered us?” Her silence is its own answer. My anger is overwhelming. I can’t even believe that this is happening.

“How did I ever fall in love with someone like you? How could I ever marry you?” I said the questions exactly as I was feeling them. Because the truth is, she disgusts me. I hate myself in lengths that I didn’t know were possible. Because, I hurt everyone I care about. I hurt Liz. I wish I could take it back. But I can’t.

“You were different! You were a king! Now you’re just a boy.”

I reach up ready to strangle her. The betrayal is so deep. She would have turned us all in. Michael, Isabel. Isabel who was nothing but a trusting friend to her.

“You kill me Max, you kill our son.” She says, with a smirk in her voice. I put my hand down. No. I’m not going to kill her. It would make me just as low as she is.

“Go. This isn’t over Tess.” I watch as she nervously extends her hand up. I don’t even pity her. She deserves everything she gets back on Antar. I turn away and head outside, as the chamber begins to shake.

“Max!” I hear Isabel yell as the rocks start to crumble.

“Quick, go! Let’s go!” I push her forward and run out after her, down the steep hill and to a place of safety. On my way down I grab Liz’s hand, trying to take her as far away from the danger as possible. I don’t want her to suffer anymore.

Suddenly, the ship shoots into the sky and I feel Liz hold onto me, as if for dear life. I turn to look at her face. The beautiful face that I was afraid I’d never see again.

“I’ve been really wrong about a lot. But, I was right about one thing. To get you into my life, to be around you, to love you.” I look down at her shining eyes. I know that there is no way she is simply going to trust me again. No way that we will ever be able to be what we once were. I have reached a point where I can’t turn back time. And it tears me apart. All I want is for her to know I love her. Maybe… maybe it will mean something again. Maybe someday. Just… not today.

Shades of Gray- Tess POV

I know there’s nothing that I can say that will make what I’ve done right. I know that. Even now, standing here within the brightened Granolith Chamber, the lights flickering on all sides, forming a prism of colors, I am ready to go through with it all. I look around, watching as Isabel and Michael stand prepared to go back to a home they can’t remember.

I look over as Max is reaching out, prepared to go and be father to his son, to let him live. And the jealousy burns within me because I know he isn’t going for me. Because, even now, he’s thinking about Liz, about their last kiss, and all he is worried about is her and her feelings. He’s thinking of how much it meant to him. And how I, standing right beside him, his old wife and lover, will never measure up, no matter what I do.

There is no room for jealousy. I hear Nasedo’s words clearly within my head. It is an ugly, human emotion. It will only make you weak. You have but one mission. One future. Don’t let yourself get too involved in this… it isn’t who you are.

I’m lost in my thoughts when I hear Michael.

“Max, I can’t go. Ever since we got out of the pods, I’ve been on some quest to figure out where I belong. I finally found home. The weird thing is, it’s here. It’s on earth.”

I feel a small wave of relief wash over me. I manage to curse myself. He cannot stay. You must bring the three. And still, some part of me wants to save him, to allow him to live the life he’s learned to love. Then again, there’s the part that’s angry. Angry, because my plan isn’t going through as smoothly as I expected, because Nasedo would consider this a failure, despite having done exactly as told.

I watch as Max takes a few slow steps toward him and feel my skin begin to burn with anxiety. I bite my lip and look up knowing that this can ruin everything. And I partially wish it would. But, I’ve gone too far to go back now. I would never be forgiven for what I’ve done. I’m back in the miserable path chosen for me. It was my destiny. I had no choice. I continue wanting to believe that, desperately, because it means that I’m not the evil person it seems I am. If I can’t live the normal human life I want… none of them should. I feel the tears begin to sting my eyes.

“You of all people.” I watch them hug and my brain begins to come up with ideas of trapping Michael in the chamber. How would I without getting caught? I decide then to let him leave. Delivering two is better than none. “Take care of yourself Michael. I love you.”

I can hear the regret in his voice. Of course he doesn’t want to go. He never even loved me. He slept with me because I manipulated him. Used him at his weakest moment and pressed him until he could no longer deny me. And I didn’t receive the satisfaction that I thought I would. Because I was sure that being with the love of my life again would complete me. That it would help us to return to the way things were.

Those beautiful memories Nasedo had ingrained within us. The stories he told me of our kingdom. The ones that I have practically conjured up, because I can no longer remember what parts were true and what parts I manufactured. Because it’s all one big memory.

“I would understand….” Max says as looks over at a terrified Isabel. I feel my heart tug once more. Isabel, the closest thing I have to family, to a sister. But I can’t feel bad. I can’t feel anything.

“What you said before. You’re my home too.” I watch her hug Michael and begin to feel the regret. I don’t want to feel it. This is for the best. My mind flashes to Kyle and Jim. My stomach does a very uncomfortable turn. Is this what love is supposed to feel like? I shut down my senses immediately, willing my brain to focus. The years of training from Nasedo flow through me.

You are here for one purpose, and one alone. Your mission is to bring them home. Your life depends on how well you do this Tess. You get an heir and you get them home. It’s the only chance we have.

I feel the anger rising within me. He knew I would want to have family. I would want to have love. I was human. Despite what he wanted to try and force upon me, I AM human. I have a basic NEED for these things. And he made a deal for my life that I never agreed to. That I HAVE to fulfill.

“Well, whoever is coming, we have to go. Now.” My voice sounds angrier than I want it to. I cannot betray my true emotions at this time. I cannot let them know just how much this is affecting me. Because, my main focus should be this child. This child within me that I don’t even want. That I never asked for.

I want to be happy. To view it as a connection between Max and I. But somehow, its meaning is lost beneath Max’s sad glare. Because he could never love me, not like he loves Liz.

Seconds pass that feel like hours when I hear the rumbling of footsteps coming through the chamber. I feel the panic rise as I step behind Max.

“Max, stop! It was Tess. Tess killed Alex. She mindwarped Alex and sent him to Las Cruces to decode the book, but he broke out of the mindwarp and she killed him.”

I look at the group suddenly standing before us. My eyes shift momentarily to Kyle, the hurt expression on his face. I swallow the shame that is beginning to overtake me. I didn’t ask for this! I didn’t want to.

Her words are like a slap to the face. Liz Parker saves the day again. I want to blast her into another dimension. It isn’t fair that she gets everything I’ve ever wanted. She gets to live a perfect life and have the man she loves stare at her admiringly. He was MINE first.

“It’s true, I witnessed it.” I watch as Kyle steps forward and Max remains where he is, my protective barrier. But only for a moment, I think to myself, knowing very well that this is all going to end badly. I shouldn’t have let Michael go. I should have simply not allowed it.

“Why didn’t you ever say anything?” Max asks in my defense. Or so it seems. I know deep inside, he needs very little convincing. He’s wanted a reason to detest me. To turn me away. This would be his reason. Kyle steps forward and I feel the worst pain I’ve felt. Because despite it all, these people have always hated me, in one way or another. Except for him, because even though he considers me his sister… I’ve developed feelings for him that make this all the harder. Because I never wanted to hurt the one person who looked at me with the desire I wanted. The one person who made it alright for me to be….. me.

“You lived in my home. You were like my sister!” He yells accusingly. The same wave of shame washes over me again, because he knows me. He knows the good I’m capable of. The good that I wanted so badly to be, but I couldn’t. I simply couldn’t. I had to do this. I had to.

“How long?” Max asks as Michael looks up at the glowing timer.

“About three minutes.”

“Everyone out.”

“Max…”

“NOW!” I jump at his voice. I know what’s coming. I know the questions and the accusing glances. I know my answers. The well rehearsed answers that Nasedo ingrained in me.

“Did you kill Alex?” He asks after the room has emptied. I hesitate. He knows I did, I know I did.

“I didn’t want to. I wish I hadn’t, but I did.” That is the truth. It may not sound like it, but its how I feel.

You will do all you must to accomplish your task. They are going to be expecting you. You cannot let emotions get in the way.

Nasedo’s words ring in my ear. I killed Alex. I had to decode the book. He was the only person I could get who was distant enough from the group to go away for such an extended period of time. I was never supposed to hurt him. It was supposed to be simple. It was supposed to just be the translation. I never wanted him to die.

“Why?” His question catches me off guard and I look up to the clock quickly, trying to think. But it’s hard to think. My mind is a mess of memories. Past memories, present memories all jumbled into the psychosis that has overtaken me. I’m not sure who I am anymore. All I know is that I don’t want to be here.

“Look Max, the… the clock’s ticking, we don’t really have time….”

“TELL ME WHY!” His voice roars against the panels within the chamber. I tighten my jaw. I did what I had to do. What I was trained to do.

“He would have told you what I did and I couldn’t let that happen.” Of course, Max could never understand that. He isn’t haunted by the memories. Not the way I am.

“So you just, you just killed him?” There’s disgust in his voice. It was exactly what I’d been trying to avoid. That type of reaction. The type that made me so angry I wanted to slap him. He had no right to do this to me. He was supposed to remember so that I wouldn’t have to resort to these things. So, that Nasedo could leave me alone.

And what if I just wanted to be human? I had asked once, during one of our endless trips. Nasedo had looked at me and laughed. That empty laugh that proved he had no soul. You don’t, because the pull of being an adored queen is too strong. Because you remember.

But I want to just be human now. And as always, it’s too late.

“I didn’t mean to! His brain was just so weakened by the mindwarp and….” I feel myself begin to break. I quickly regroup. I have to make a decision now. I have to decide where I stand. I have to do something because either way, here or there, I won’t be accepted. I’ll always be the one stuck in between these two awful worlds.

“Look, none of this matters now.” I quickly finish, trying to get things back on track.

“Life matters Tess. My life, your life, his….” Of course, I should have expected that answer. The Max Evans answer. The Max Evans that doesn’t remember war or politics or what it was like to rule a planet under duress, life is not simple Max. Our decisions aren’t always good. Sometimes we’re forced to choose between two bad decisions and suffer the outcome.

“What matters is getting home.” I say, finally allowing my anger to come through. I have to the right to be upset. I’m sick of catering to everyone else’s emotions. What about mine? What about the tearing of my insides? The pulling of two opposite ways that doesn’t seem to end? “But you could never understand that could you? I might have been able to teach you but that stupid bitch had you wrapped around her….”

The jealousy begins to explode again. And the truth is, it has nothing to do with love. It has to do with possession. It has to do with purpose. I was created for him. To be his wife. He no longer wants a wife. So does that make me useless? Do I now have no purpose? What am I supposed to do?

“Don’t you ever call her that!” He yells out passionately. I feel the pull again. At this point, I’d known Max would never be able to let Liz go. But, I think of Kyle. I know now that the only man who ever thought anything of me now hates me as well. There’s no turning back from this course now. I have nowhere else to go.

“See! Look how fast you run to her defense! Why couldn’t you ever feel that way about me? I’m your wife Max. I’m carrying your child.” All I wanted was to be loved. To have someone glare into my eyes the way he glared into Liz’s. And I couldn’t have it. I wasn’t destined to have it. It isn’t fair. None of it is fair.

“This was all some kind of plan to get pregnant and go home, wasn’t it? Home to what Tess? To Kivar? To our enemies?”

And all I want to do at this point is hurt him. Hurt him as badly as they’ve all hurt me. Because they were all allowed a chance at life and love and family. And I was deprived of it all.

“They’re not MY enemies Max.”

“You made a deal with them, with Kivar.” I watch as he says his words in horrified awe. And it fills a dark emptiness within me. A sick pleasure that he realizes my treachery and that in some way… he’s hurt.

“No, Nasedo made a deal, 40 years ago.” I clarify, the human part of me suddenly not wanting credit for the evil. Wanting to clarify just how little of my own choice it was. Not that it matters. No one cares anyway.

“What was the deal. TELL ME!”

“To return home with your child. And deliver the three of you to Kivar.” But now, I can only imagine what is going to happen. To them. To me.

“And what would happen to us once you delivered us?” I turn my face away, not wanting to look into his pained eyes. This is hurting more than I’d like it to. I’m not supposed to feel this. It’s not supposed to hurt to see his angry, disgusted eyes glaring at me. I got lost in the emotions. I’m too involved now. I feel my stomach rise and I have to swallow hard to prevent the vomit from rising. I want to cry.

“How did I ever fall in love with someone like you? How could I ever marry you?”

His words act like a knife against my already broken heart.

“You were different, you were a king!” I yell out, hurt and furious. I was different. I wasn’t this awful person. I wasn’t this hopeless. This manipulated. You loved me once. I remember it…. I fight back the tears and feel the need to slap him. Instead, I resort to words. “Now you’re just a boy.”

He raises his hand to my neck and I almost want to smile. At least I know I will not die here.

“You kill me Max, you kill our son.” The product of my very betrayal is the only thing saving my life. I touch my stomach softly, suddenly feeling sorry for the child. I will not allow him to live the life I have led. He will be free to choose his own paths. To make his own destiny.

“Go.” He demands, suddenly catching me off guard. “This isn’t over Tess.”

And my heart falls as I realize I am being banished. Banished to face this new task of motherhood on my own. Banished to a world I do not clearly remember. And the fear begins to leak in. I place my hand upon the glass cone, letting its power pull me in. I suddenly find myself within the container, looking out at a blurry Max. He turns to face me with the worst look of disappointment I’ve ever seen. I’m so scared. I’m not sure what’s going to happen to me. To my child.

I don’t remember this world. I want to yell it out loud, to have them save me. But I can feel the ship begin to move, shifting and causing friction, trying to get ready for take off. I let the tears begin to fall as I realize I am now completely alone. Nasedo didn’t prepare me for this. He wasn’t supposed to have died. He was supposed to be here to help me through this. I don’t know if I can do this alone.

I hear some yelling, faint, above the sound of the roaring ship. I close my eyes, dreading what I will see when I reopen them. I didn’t choose this course of evil. I didn’t choose this darkness or this emptiness. It chose me.

I want to be sorry for what I’ve done. To take it all back. But I can’t. It’s too late for that now. I feel the ship begin to soar upwards at fast speeds and I hold on tightly, unsure of what will happen to me now.

“I’m sorry.” I whisper as we take off into orbit.


THE END