hello to you all.
Thank you for your feedback guys it is very much appreciated.
Carolyn: And the depressing stuff is back! sorry.
Grace52373: I am a nurse and I've worked with drug addicts and the bitch nurses is actually based on someone who I worked with!!
Ginger: Michael is helping in his own 'Michael' way. Of course Michael's logic is not the logic that we would all use
Thanks as always to my beta Ginger. Your the best!
lyric credits to Metallica not me
Chapter 9.
Isabel’s POV
One week later.
Max and Liz are talking about going home and I think they can’t wait to leave. I think they don’t know how to act around Maria. She’s no longer the soft Maria that we knew. Maybe soft isn't the right word because Maria could be extremely stubborn and opinionated when she wanted to be, but now she’s different, harsher, raw, and jaded.
She hates going to her therapy sessions and stomps around the apartment for about two hours before, cussing a blue streak, making Liz blush, and trying everything to get out of going. She’s locked herself in the bathroom but that was redundant really, though I’ll admit I was scared of what she was doing in that bathroom. And when she comes back, she’s sullen, removed and unapproachable, sitting in a corner, her legs pulled up to her chest, her head resting on her knees and her eyes unfocused.
The AA meetings aren’t so bad, either Kyle or I go with her to those and we just sit and listen. She hasn’t shared yet with the others, she refuses when they ask and they don’t push her.
She’s escaped from us only twice, which I think is pretty good. Once when Kyle was on watch and we found her down the street trying to buy a bottle of vodka; thank God she had no money. The other time was when we had left her with Liz. That was a little scarier.
It was 3 hours later when we found her, simply sitting on a park bench watching children as they played in a small playground, tears streaming down her face. We probably wouldn’t have found her if it hadn’t had been for that alien balloon that seemed to lead us to her!!! She promised us she hadn’t taken anything or done anything but I think we were all a little skeptical.
That night was a bad one for her and we sat up most of the night talking about little inconsequential things, until she finally fell asleep, her head in my lap, and her body curled up, like a child herself.
Today Maria seems even more intent on not going to her session. She’s been pleading with me all morning; but I struggle and bribe her and eventually get her into the car that we hired so I can get her there on time. When we finally get there and the doctor calls her in, I stand quickly and go over to him before she does.
“Dr. Sheldon,” I say quietly. “She was really reluctant to come today. I don’t know if you’re gonna have much luck with her.”
He looks at me a nods in understanding. “I told her yesterday we would be talking about Michael today,” he says simply.
Then it all makes sense. She won’t talk to us about him, only if she’s making a snarky comment about him not leaving and him being a ‘stubborn bastard alien’.
The only time we got anything from her was when she hit Max in the hospital.
I look back to see her staring at us, her hands holding onto the chair, her knuckles white from the force. Her eyes shift to the door and I can see the warning signs that she’s gonna make a run for it. I’ve gotten used to this now, this little dance we do and I’m just as quick as she is and when she makes her move I’m ready and I’m in front of the door before she is.
“Maria,” I whisper.
She looks at me with fright in her eyes.
“I can’t,” she says softly, her head shaking slightly.
“You can,” I reason with her, my eyes wandering to the people in the waiting room, watching us like we’re the best soap opera out there.
Her eyes are wild as she continues to shake her head. “Please Isabel, don’t make me.”
It breaks my heart to hear her plead with me. I place my hand on her arm. “You have too, Maria. You can’t move forward until you do.”
“Come on Maria,” Dr. Sheldon’s gentle voice says and she turns to him.
“I can’t,” she whispers, as a tear rolls down her face.
“It’s ok,” he says, “we’ll talk about something else ok.”
Maria looks at him skeptically but eventually her feet move and she follows him into the room.
I let out a big breath and sit back down in one of the chairs.
It’s quiet in the office for about 45 minutes and then I hear her.
“Just shut up,” she yells and all heads in the waiting room swing to the door and then to me.
There are muffled voices in the office and then, “You don’t know shit,” she cries out. Again, I can’t hear much until. “Stop, stop it,” she’s crying, I can hear it in her voice. “Stop saying his name.”
I shift uncomfortably in the chair. “No,” she yells, her voice closer and I think she’s just behind the door, ready to make her move. “You can’t make me; you can’t force me say his name.” Then the door opens and she’s out and moving for the door.
I look at Dr. Sheldon as he follows her out the door. He looks at me and hands me a card. “If it gets bad tonight, call me.” I take the card and nod and then hurry to catch up with Maria.
Thankfully she’s sitting on the hood of the car. “Maria?” I say, low. She just shakes her head and waits for me to unlock the door.
By the time we are back at the apartment, Max and Liz are there. They have prepared lunch for us but Maria just heads for her room, slamming the door behind her.
“Was it bad?” Kyle asks.
“He wanted to talk about Michael,” I say to the group before me, and they look at the door to Maria’s room.
“She’s got to talk about him soon,” Liz says. “It’s the only way she’s gonna be able to let him go.”
“I don’t really think it’s all her though,” Kyle says.
Liz huffs at this. “You don’t honestly believe that Michael is haunting her do you?”
“I think the evidence is hard to escape,” Kyle says evenly. “And I wouldn’t exactly call it a haunting.”
“What evidence?” Liz asks, ever the scientist.
“I don’t know, maybe the way her swollen black eye suddenly healed. Or the fact that she still has his t-shirt or I don’t know the way you can just feel him.” Kyle is pissed off now, I know that tone.
Liz shakes her head. “I don’t believe in ghosts,” she says.
‘Oh, like the way you didn’t believe in Aliens,” Kyle shots back.
“Liz,” Max says quietly. “Why are you so opposed to this? Isn’t it better that she does see him and she’s not going crazy?”
Liz looks at Max, with a sideways look. ‘Oh here we go,’ I think, ‘another agreement regarding the best way to deal with Maria.’ I’m glad she has shut herself away in her room.
“And besides,” Max continues, “you saw your grandmother when she died.”
We all look at Liz at this. How can she sit there and disregard that her friend is seeing a ghost when she herself has first-hand experience of specter sightings.
'Yeah,” Liz stammers out, “but you helped me see her.”
“I did,” Max agrees, “but Michael’s an alien too, Liz. Don’t you think he could have held on somehow, held on until she was ok?”
The room is silent.
“I know if it had been me,” he continues, “I would have moved heaven and earth to stay with you. To make sure you’re ok.”
'And he’s still here, because she’s not ok,” Liz finishes.
The stereo over by the window suddenly comes to life and we all jump, and then laugh at each other. Until the sounds of ‘Until it Sleeps’ blare through the speakers; one of Michael’s favorite songs.
We look at each other, Liz is white. Then Maria’s door opens and she standing there glaring at us.
“Not funny, shitheads,” she says through gritted teeth.
“Not us,” Kyle says simply.
Maria looks behind her and then storms into the room to the stereo and turns it off. She’s half way back to her room, when it comes to life again. This time, ‘Hero of the Day’, and Liz sucks in a breath. I don’t get the significance but obviously she does. Maria stops and whirls around again. “Just stop it,” she says to nobody. And again she walks over to the unit and switches it off. She’s only a few paces away this time when it comes back on again. Maria sighs deeply, her face a picture of torture. ‘Why is he tormenting her like this,’ I think.
I listen and watch as she turns slowly to look at the stereo. I don’t recognize the song this time, and I look at Max with an eyebrow raised in question. He looks at Maria; Maria is looking at the corner. I know they both know the song. They have to... Max crashed with Michael that last year in Roswell and Maria, well you don’t date a Metallica fan for 3 years and not know the songs.
I hear the plaintive cry of the singer sing:
So as I write to you, yeah
Of what is done and to do, yeah
Maybe you'll understand
And won't cry for this man
'cause low man is due
Please forgive me
Please forgive me
Please forgive me
So low the sky is all I see
All I want from you is forgive me
She turns back and shoots her hand out to the back of the unit and pulls the plug. The room is silent again and all you can hear is us breathing. Maria turns back to us a slight smile on her face and I can imagine her saying ‘let him try now’.
It’s crazy; here in this room, right this moment, it really feels like he never died. Like he’s here with us and they are having one of their heated arguments. It’s like any minute they are gonna give in and Maria will be braced against the wall by Michael’s body while he begs for forgiveness by crushing his lips to hers. I almost cry out, wishing that would happen; that the last 4 years hadn’t happened.
Maria walks over to us and eyes the lunch that has been prepared, as if trying to decide whether to eat or not.
“Come on Ria,” Kyle says gently, his voice only slightly shaky, as he holds a chair out for her.
Maria is in the middle of an internal debate when the stereo comes back on. Now I’m really freaked. She had unplugged it.
Come lay beside me, this won't hurt I swear.
She loves me not, she loves me still, but she'll never love again
She lay beside me, But she'll be there when I'm gone
Black heart scarring darker still, yes she'll be there when I'm gone
Yes, she'll be there when I'm gone
Dead sure she'll be there...
What I've felt, what I've known
Turn the pages, turn the stone
Behind the door, should I open it for you....
What I've felt, what I've known
Sick and tired, I stand alone
Could you be there, 'cause I'm the one who waits for you
Or are you unforgiven too?
We can only watch as Maria walks, eerily calm, over to the powerless stereo that is playing a song that is breaking her in two.
She pulls the lead from the back of the unit, the plug in her hand as the song continues. And then she leans over, picks the unit up and hurls it at the wall.
A stillness settles over us as we look at the smashed unit on the floor and the gash in the wall where it had hit first.
Maria swings round to us, her eyes blazing with tears.
“Do you believe me now, Liz,” she cries accusingly.
Liz looks at her, her face ashen but she slowly nods her head and then warily glances around the room. “I’ve gotta go and do……,” she doesn’t finish; Liz is up and out the door.
Maria sighs as she leans against the wall and I notice her hand is twitching. She’s been struggling with the tremors. The methadone helps a little but she had her dose this morning and can’t have any more until tomorrow. She usually has a cigarette when they get too bad. I don’t understand the logic of it really. Aren’t we just replacing one drug for another? But for the moment if that helps then she can have as many cigarettes as she wants.
She begins to pace, her agitation showing, and mumbling to herself, though I think she’s ranting to Michael.
Kyle stands and goes to her room. He’s the one who goes out with her when she smokes, I can’t stand the smell. He comes back with an empty packet and I stand.
“We need more groceries anyway,” I say, and then I look to Max. “Will you be ok to stay?” I ask him.
I hear Maria mumble again. Something about not needing a babysitter and alien bitches. I don’t take it personally.
“Sure,” Max says. “Look for Liz for me.” I nod.
Kyle goes over to Maria where she has finally stopped pacing. She’s now sitting on the floor leaning against the wall. “We’re gonna get some more for you, ok” he says gently.
“I’m not a child Kyle,” she bites out.
“No you’re not, so you better clean that mess up,” he says pointing to the smashed stereo.
“Yes Dad,” is all she says.
I give Max a thankful smile and hope he’ll be ok with Maria.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Maria’s POV
I sigh deeply when the door closes and look over to the lump of metal on the floor, then over to Max who is still sitting at the dinner table, with lunch spread out before him. It’s been a long time since I was with Max alone. I watch as he looks over to Michael and I wonder.
“Do you see him?” I ask quietly.
“No,” he answers simply. “Is he there?”
I turn my head to the crazy son of an alien standing coolly in the corner, like he was waiting for a bus or something.
“Am I still breathing?” I ask and Max looks at me, in disbelief.
“Yes,” he answers.
“Then he’s still there.”
‘Maria….,” Max starts but I don’t let him finish. I hold my hand up to stop him.
“Don’t Max,” I say tiredly, “just don’t, ok.” I stand and walk to the kitchen area. I rest my hand against the coffee, thankful that it’s still warm. I fill a cup for myself and turn with it in my hands. Max is watching me. “Do you want some?” I ask as an afterthought. He shakes his head.
I stand there watching him as he stands and walks over to the broken stereo and picks it up. He puts it back on the shelf where it belongs and waves his hand over it. I close my eyes not wanting to see him ‘fix’ the machine. With my eyes closed I feel him moving in the room and when I open them he had repaired the hole in the wall. Then he walks over to sit on the couch.
I watch over the top of my coffee cup as he turns the tv on, and starts looking for a suitable program to watch.
“No sports please,” I say as I finish the coffee and pour another. It’ll help with the tremors a little.
I move around and sit on the opposite side of the couch, watching him flick through the channels.
“So how are things with you and Liz, Max?” I ask, more for something to talk about than anything else.
Max looks at me and I can imagine he thinks he’s looking at the old me, with my blond hair, the one that actually cares.
“Things aren't so good, Maria,” he says honestly. “We’ve been having a few problems.”
“Really,” I say with fake shock, like I couldn’t guess that on my own.
“Liz can be irrationally jealous at times,” he says with a sly smile.
“Oh please,” I let out, “like your track record is any good. You did the ugly with the enemy Max. That’s not something you can forgive so easily.” Then I get a crazy thought in my head.
“Maria, that was years ago,” Max says, “and she assures me that she has forgiven me.”
“But a thing like that is hard to forgive,” I say and I lean over a little. “So what is making her jealous now?” I ask.
“There’s this woman where I work and she keeps coming on to me,” Max admits.
“And this has put a strain on your marriage,” I say with an eyebrow raised.
“Yeah,” he says with a slight laugh, “she won’t even sleep in the same room as me.”
“So, it’s been awhile then,” I probe, “since, you know.” Strangely I find it odd talking to Max about sex, go figure.
“Yeah,” he says with a tortured smile.
I move forward a little closer to Max. Looking up I catch the annoyed look from Spaceboy. ‘This could be it,’ my irrational brain thinks. ‘This could be how I get him to leave me’. I move again and this time I move so I’m sitting in Max’s lap, straddling him.
“Maria,” he says, his voice shaking slightly. “Come on, stop messing about. Get off me.”
“Come on Max,” I say, softly, “don’t tell me you’ve never thought about us like this. I know you have. I saw the looks you gave Michael and me.” I rock myself against him slightly and I smile at his reaction to me.
“I know I affect you, I can feel it,” I whisper in his ear and he shudders slightly against me, his hands twitching beside him.
I smile at him as I lift his hands and place them on my hips, holding them there for a minute as I rock against him again and I feel movement in his jeans again. His eye flicker over to the corner, and I hold his head in my hands.
“Hey,” I say, “don’t worry about him, what’s he gonna do?" I lower myself to his face and gently place my lips on his. I hear a growl from behind and I know he’s pissed off now. All the times I’ve been in this position with strange men and he’s never made a sound, but now, now it’s Max and he’s pissed.
Max pulls away. “No Maria, this isn’t right.”
“Who gives a fuck about what’s right and what’s not right,” I say, maybe a little harsher than I meant. I pull back from him, still in his lap and he doesn’t move his hands from my hips.
“Was it right that we had to leave our homes and our families,” I say. “No but we did.”
“Was it right that Alex died,” I continue, my hand slowly caressing his chest, “No, but he did.”
“What about Michael?” Max asks low.
“He’s not here is he,” I reply, “not really.”
I bring my lips to his chin and nibble slightly. “He can’t give me what I need Max, but you can.”
Max moves his head slightly but that means I can kiss his neck more. “I’m not giving you drugs Maria.”
“Who said anything about drugs,” I say as I pull back. “What I need is something only two beings on this world can give me and since one of you is incorporeal, only you can give me what I need,” I say and I’m sure my eyes are pleading with him.
“No, Maria,” he says firmly finally understanding me. His hands push slightly against my hip, trying to push me away and god help me I groan at that pressure and it must have done something to Max because he groans too and his dick twitches between my legs.
I smile again at him, my most sexy smile that was only ever used for one man and I hear Max moan, and seemingly against his own mind his hands move. They move up my body sliding under my t-shirt and across my back. I wonder if he’s playing me until he can move me away. But this is Max, if he really wanted to move me, he could with no trouble. Even without his ‘abilities’ I’m nothing to move.
I move closer to him and again hold his head in my hands and bring his lips to meet mine. And I kiss him. I kiss him like I never expected myself to kiss Max Evans.
I vaguely hear a voice. “Maria,” He pleads. “Please don’t do this.” I ignore him and pull away from Max. His eyes are closed and his tongue slips out and licks his lips, as if savoring my taste. His hands are still on my back though, I can feel them inching to move forward. I grab hold of my t-shirt and pull if over my head. See, this is why underwear is over rated. If Isabel hadn’t insisted on buying me some, I wouldn’t have any on now, and we’d be a lot nearer to where I need to be.
Max’s eyes roam down to my bra clad breasts and I wonder if he’s shocked at the marks that he can see at the top of my breasts. I watch him intently as a hand slides up and softly brushes over one. I lean into his touch, closing my eyes, imagining another alien’s hand on me.
‘I will not cry,’ I tell myself. ‘I will NOT cry.’ I refuse to let my mind acknowledge that what I’m doing is wrong, so totally wrong and on so many levels. It’s all a means to an end and I need that end.
I blindly lift my head to catch his lips again as I twist one hand behind my back to unclasp and remove my bra. Max actually helps me take the bra from my body.
I can feel Him pacing behind me, telling me of the many different ways he’s gonna kill Max Evans. That might actually mean something if he could do it.
I smile against Max's lips as he deepens our kiss and one of his hands trails up my body to latch onto my naked breast, softly kneading the blemished flesh there, as I grind into him and feel him harden more beneath me.
I’m so lost in my irrational mind, that I don’t hear the door open. I don’t hear the shocked voices but Max does. He turns his head and I naturally turn mine too, to see Isabel and Liz standing just inside the door, their mouths hanging open, and their eyes wide.
My eyes are uncontrollably drawn to Liz, her face a real picture. She looks at Max with pain in her eyes and a disbelieving look, and then her eyes shift to me, sitting in her husband’s lap with his hand on my breast, he still hasn’t moved it.
“Liz,” Max squeaks out, his voice shaking, and I’m instantly pulled back to the year when Max was making a fool of himself with Tess and I was the shoulder that Liz cried on. And here I am doing just what Tess did.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say lamely, finally pulling away from Max, looking at Liz.
“Then what is it, Maria,” Liz says, her voice steel, and I cringe at the way she spits out my name, with anger and disgust.
I scramble up from Max, “I just,” I look down at Max, his eyes anywhere but on me, “I just needed…..”
“I guess being a whore is a hard habit to break,” Liz says vehemently, and I shudder. I hate that word.
“Liz,” Isabel says sternly.
“No, Isabel,” Liz cries, “I’m fed up with walking on eggshells around her.” She turns to me. “For god’s sake Maria put your shirt back on.”
I lean over to pick up my t-shirt back up and slip it on quickly. I turn to Max, “I’m sorry, Max” I say softly.
“No,” Liz screams coming more into the room. “You don’t get to talk to him; you don’t get to say sorry, Maria.”
“But,” I try but she stops me again.
“Michael’s dead Maria, you need to face the facts and move on,” she says, her voice steady. I take a step back from her, in shock. “We all lost him that night, we all miss him but he’s not here anymore and you can’t keep using him as an excuse for your pitiful life.”
“I never asked anyone to pity me,” I say back my own anger raising.
“But they do, we do,” she says again, taking a step closer to me. “Poor Maria, her boyfriend died, poor Maria, her baby died. Well you know what. Poor Maria killed her own baby when she tried to kill herself.”
I stumbled back from her at her words, and they vibrate against me as I hit the wall behind me, thankful that there is something to hold me up. But the wall doesn’t work and I crumble to the floor.
Isabel and Max are looking at Liz in shock, and Liz is looking at me and I think I see hurt in her eyes, hurt for herself and regret at what she has said. She takes a haltering step toward me. “I’m……I’m sorry Maria, I shouldn’t have…..”
“No,” I stop her, holding my hand out. “Don’t.” I look up at her. “Don’t say you’re sorry.”
Liz is crying now and I look passed her to see Isabel with her hand over her mouth and tears streaking her face. I don’t look at Max but I can feel him, feel his presence, just as much as I can feel His.
He is couched next to me, his eyes full of sorrow and regret. “Don’t” I say to him.
I look back to Liz.
“I was right Liz,” I say softly. “Remember when all this started and I told you they would ruin it for us with any other men. Well it’s true. No one can give me what I need, what Michael gave me, that’s why I started with the drugs.” I think this is the most I have said to Liz since she first arrived. And now that I have started I can’t stop.
“I needed something, for that high that only He could give me. Alien sex, accept no imitation! I was trying to make some money so I was with this guy and I could stop crying. I felt like I was betraying him, you know, so he gave me something, a pill and I took it and I was flying. It was almost the same, you know. But then I needed more and I didn’t have the money to pay for so I did what I needed to do for the money, and he became a regular.” I stop again, my eyes wandering around the room. I look at Isabel and then back to Liz.
“Then he started offering me to others and I needed more drugs to be able to do it and I needed to do it to get the drugs to give me that high and to help me forget, then I needed something stronger. It was a vicious circle but you know what, it wasn’t enough. I couldn’t forget. Because he wouldn’t leave, he just watched. I always knew he was a perv.”
I pause and look at the shattered alien beside me.
“I don’t know what’s worse. The fact that I am whore, a drug addict or the look in his eyes every time I was with another man.”
There is silence is the room after I had finished. I look at the floor, disgusted with myself and my actions. Then I feel her move and Liz sits next to me on the floor.
“I’m sorry Liz,” I say, though I don’t look at her. “I’m so sorry but I had to try.”
“Try what?” she asks me softly.
“Max,” I say simply. “I thought if I do Max he might actually leave, he won’t be able to take that Max touched me, that Max fucked me.” I ignore the look on Liz’s face and look over to Isabel.
“Please Isabel,” I plead, “I need him to leave me before I truly lose my mind.”
I stand quickly and turn to where he is kneeling on the floor. “Why won’t you just leave me, I don’t want you here anymore.”
I know what I must look like to the others, screaming at thin air, but they just don’t see him and I wish they could.
Isabel walks over to me and places her hand on my shoulder and my voice halters, the words dying in my throat.
“I want….. I want……,” I crumbled against Isabel again, “I want you to hold me, to touch me, to love me.”
Liz come up to my other side and surprisingly wraps her arm around me and I cling to her. “I’m so sorry, Liz, I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry Maria, I shouldn’t have said what I did,” she says softly.
“But it’s true. What you said is true. I killed her.” I can’t say anymore and I fold back to Isabel.
Isabel holds me close and I cry. I thought I would have used up all my tears by now, but no they still fall so easily. “He won’t leave me Isabel,” I croak against her. “I can feel his touch, his breath; I can see him, hear his stupid music. He’s always here.”
I hold my hand out to Isabel and she grabs my hand lightly. I look over to Him and see him nod and I tentatively press her fingertips across my temples and Isabel is bombarded with images that I finally let her see.
Flash
Michael kissing Maria that first time in the CrashDown.
Michael walking away from her after killing Pierce.
Maria seeing Michael with Courtney.
Michael giving her pearl earrings for Christmas.
Michael and Maria lying together the first time they made love.
Michael walking out of the pod chamber.
Maria walking away from Michael.
Michael and Maria making love after he gave her her ring.
Michael disappearing in a burning building.
Maria seeing Michael standing outside that first motel they stayed in after the fire.
Michael begging her not to take the tablets and then watching over her in the hospital.
Maria being offered a small pill and she takes it.
Maria being held down as someone rapes her while she’s high.
Maria on her knees in front of another man.
Maria having two men inside her.
Maria crying throughout it all, crying for Michael to save her, to help her, and Michael watching it all, a sad look on his face.
Maria lying on a dirty mattress as numerous people abuse her body, fresh needle marks on her arms.
Michael lying next to her, stroking her hair, whispering in her ear, Maria shaking her head to rid the image.
Michael standing holding the hand of a small girl with brown curly hair and piercing green eyes. Flash:
I take Isabel’s hand away from my head. “I’m sorry,” I say, “but he won’t leave me no matter what I do he won’t leave me. Help me Isabel please.”
Isabel looks to the corner and actually see’s Michael; see’s the torment in his eyes. “Help her Isabel,” he pleads.