Roswell Fanatics

Title: I can't help myself
Author: Tine
Rating: Adult for the last part
Disclaimer: I don't own them, at least not the last time I checked
Summary: This story is set about four to five weeks into the summer after "Destiny" - Yeah, another one. The song I used is I can't help myself by the Kelly Family and after finding it again I just couldn't get this idea out of my head.
Note: This is the first fic I'm posting so feedback would be greatly appriciated, but don't be too hard on me. And thanks again to Rhonda who beta'd this for me.

I can’t help myself – Part 1

He was standing in front of her window again, like he had been every day since that fateful day he had been told his destiny. Since that fateful day he had walked away from her. Since that fateful day he had killed a person. How could he be good enough for her after that? How could he look into her eyes after that and go on like nothing had changed? He did not give a fuck about his supposed destiny with Isabel. He did not love her like that, she was his sister. But being a soldier, that was something he could do. He was good in blasting things, unfortunately he was just as good in blasting people. He would never forgive himself for that, for not only taking away a life but doing it deliberately. Sure Pierce was the worst kind of human he had ever met – even worse than Hank - but feeling so much rage and hatred inside of him and seeing what it could lead to, he just could not risk being close to her, hurting her even more than he already had.

He turned to leave. That was when she turned the music louder and he could make out the lyrics of the song she had been listening to since he had been there.

If I would tell you
How much you mean to me
I think you wouldn't understand it

The sounds coming out of her room made him stop in his tracks. The words seemed so appropriate even though he had never heard that song before. He had already told her how he felt right before he walked away from her. He was pretty sure she had not understood what had happened that moment at first, but when she finally had, the look in her eyes had almost made him stay. To tell her that everything would be okay.

Almost.

What he felt right now was even harder to understand. He still loved her more than anything in his life, but as hard as it was to admit that to himself, it was even harder to admit it to her again. He wanted to tell her. To take away the pain he'd seen in her sad, green eyes during the time he'd been secretly watching her. He knew though that if he did, he would never find the strength to walk away again.

So I’ll wait, I’ll wait
Until this day comes
When you will understand me

He would probably have to wait forever for that day. For the day she would understand that they could never be together. That in their case love simply was not enough. That he could never be the man she needed, the man that could give her forever.

Even though that was exactly who he wanted to be. For her. Only her.

But I can't help myself
I can't stop myself

He really could not. Why else did he come back to her window every night just to watch her doing everyday things, to still feel like he was a part of her life, to feel close to her? Funny that the only thing she had always complained about not getting from him, namely closeness, was the one thing he was longing for now.

I am going crazy

Just thinking about her drove him insane. All the images of the time they had spent together, how it felt to be near her, to hold her, to kiss her. After all these years he had found somebody who actually seemed to care enough to break down his walls, not because of a supposed sibling bond, but out of her own free will and he had just thrown that away.
Sometimes he wished that he could just re-erect those walls and get her behind them again.

And I can't stop myself
Cannot control myself
I am going crazy

The thoughts about what could have been made him climb the walls. In his current state of mind he was not even sure anymore if he had made the right decision. He still wanted her to be safe, that was what he had wanted since that night they had spent in that nookie motel, since he had found out that they actually had something in common. Maybe being with her would be a lot safer than staying away because he could defend her if he was close by if danger should arise.

“Get a grip Guerin, you’re the only danger for her right now,” he berated himself. Even if he was not hurting her physically he could never guarantee that he would not hurt her feelings. He just was not made for relationships, he would never be the perfect boyfriend.

Even though that was exactly what he wanted to be. For her. Only her.

I cannot change it
I'm sure not making it
One big hell of a fuss

He always made a big secret out of his feelings, never let anybody get too close to his heart. Even with her he had not been able let himself fall completely. He was too scared to hit the ground. Hard. He knew it had caused her pain that he had not wanted to make their relationship public except for that one very public display of affection when he was haunted by these weird dreams starring Isabel and him as a couple. But even after that, when all the rumors in school had been confirmed by that kiss, he had refused to give in. Disappointing her again.

Story of his life.

I cannot turn my back
I've got to face the fact
Life without you is hazy

There was no denying the fact that he did not spend one minute without thinking about her, without seeing her face, her beautiful features blocking out anything else he had to concentrate on, effectively pushing aside the possibility of any coherent thoughts not including her. He just could not get her out of his head, and he honestly was not sure if he wanted that. Having her in his mind, even his dreams was still better than not having her at all.

Kiss me thrill me don't say goodbye
Hold me love me don't say goodbye
Oh oh oh don't say goodbye

Could he ask that of her? Could he ask her to take him back? To be with him again? To make herself vulnerable again? To give her heart away again for him to shatter to pieces once more? He was not even sure if he could mend the damage he had done with his last act of running from her. How could he expect her to put herself out there again?

And I love you
I want you
I wanna talk to you
I wanna be with you

And I love you
I want you
I wanna talk to you
I wanna be with you

He had to fight these urges, this desire to make everything alright again. After all his breaking up with her had had a valid reason. Yes, he was hurting himself as much as he did her, maybe even moreso because he definitely would never let anybody get this close again. He just could not. Knowing that kind of love and having to leave it behind was even worse than not knowing the emotion in the first place.

He had to leave. Now. He had to stop watching her. Now. He had to turn his back on her once and for all. Now.

He would not be able to if he stayed another second.

And so he did not.

Thanks to everyone who is reading this, and special thanks to Rhonda and Xmag for the feedback. I'll post the last part in two days. Hope you like this one.

I can’t help myself – Part 2

She felt him outside. She knew he was there and she was sure he had been every night since that fateful day in May. That fateful day when he had made her the happiest girl in the world with finally confessing his feelings, telling her he loved her. That fateful day he had made her heart sing just to shatter it a few seconds later by walking away from her. She asked herself if he was coming to her window just to torment her even more, if he even knew that she could feel his presence. She had to block it out somehow so she turned up the volume of the song she had been listening to all night on repeat after stumbling across it on the internet today. She had never heard that song before, but she could not help but deeply relate to the lyrics.

If I would tell you
How much you mean to me
I think you wouldn't understand it

She had tried to tell him how she felt right after he had told her that day but he did not give her the chance. He had been so determined to leave her for her own good that he had not stopped to think about what he was doing not only to her but to himself as well. She had seen it in his eyes. How hard it was to show how much he cared and how much he hurt himself by saying goodbye. He had never fully understood that he was not responsible for her safety, that she was capable of making her own decisions. He had never given her the opportunity to do just that.

So I’ll wait, I’ll wait
Until this day comes
When you will understand me

She was desperately hoping that someday he would be able to see that he would never hurt her. Not physically anyway, and that was obviously what he was afraid of. Why could he not believe her when she told him that she trusted him completely? Why could he not have as much faith in himself as she did? Why could he not see himself with her eyes?

She knew that he still thought he was not good enough for her. She still remembered the pain in his eyes after that double-date they had had with Liz and Max, when he had asked her why she wanted to be with him if he was such a loser. She had not been able to answer him right away because she had been so shocked by the way he saw himself, but later she had constantly tried to make him see that he was a good person, that he deserved to be happy, that he deserved to be loved. She had never told him that out of fear she would scare him away or to make him shut her out again, so she had had to put all her feelings into her actions. She regretted not expressing herself verbally on that matter now, unsure if she would ever get another chance to convince him.

Even if she got that chance, the task of making him see the good in himself would be more difficult now than ever. Now that she had not only to show him that Hank had been wrong all those years calling him useless, but also to fight against the self-perception he had since the death of Pierce, she knew it was still haunting him.

How could she make somebody who was so unsure of himself, so convinced that he was evil, believe that she had never felt as safe as she had in his arms, being held tight?

But I can't help myself
I can't stop myself
I am going crazy

Thinking about the last weeks was driving her nuts, but she just could not get them or a certain alien boy out of her head, no matter how hard she tried. She either saw him somewhere in town and he would completely ignore her or she was reminded of him by stupid little things. She had never felt that alone before. Of course, she had been devastated when her father had left her, but back then she had had her mother and her best friend to talk to, to let everything out that was plaguing her mind.

And I can't stop myself
Cannot control myself
I am going crazy

Now her trust had been broken again. She had been left behind again and this time she had to keep everything locked inside. Her mother was on the road selling alien memorabilia and Liz had deserted her because she could not deal with the whole destiny disaster. Alex could not offer a shoulder to lean on either since he had not yet come to terms with his sudden non-relationship with Isabel.

But the worst thing was that this time it was her fault that she had been hurt. He had warned her more than once that he could not get attached, that he could not let his emotions control his actions or distract him from the quest of finding his home planet. She just had not listened. She had wanted to prove him wrong, to show him that being human was not a flaw like he had been stating repeatedly.

I cannot change it
I'm sure not making it
One big hell of a fuss

No matter what she had tried nothing had made him see reason, nothing had made him see it her way. After their first kiss she had tried to make him talk about it, when she saw how futile that was she had just gone along with him by pretending that nothing had happened. During their countless makeout fests during the heat wave, she had tried to play it cool, let him come to her. She had even been saying that she was not interested in more than what they had. She still was not sure if his excuse of getting too intense had been made up or if he had been able to see right through her. In the following weeks she had never mentioned that phase again, she had left him to his life except for being there to help with alien related problems.

All that time she had been thinking she had meant nothing to him, that she had just been a willing subject for him to test out if anything strange would happen when he kissed a girl. She had felt used by him until he had made her that napkin holder, never realizing what great of a change that had been in their budding relationship. The next step out from behind his walls was participating in the Alien Takedown to save her mom from a great financial setback, even though he kept on saying he had only done it because it was easy money. And finally that rainy night he had come to her for comfort, letting his emotions loose completely. That night when he had cried in her arms, she had been so sure that she had finally broken through all of his walls. And despite that one time when she had wanted him to change into the perfect boyfriend, they had been happy. She had really been happy with him, finally feeling safe in their relationship after that infamous kiss in front of the entire school. They probably would still be happy if the alien abyss had not pulled them apart again.

I cannot turn my back
I've got to face the fact
Life without you is hazy

She had been wrong again. Her relationship with him had not been nearly as safe as she had made herself believe. And now she would just have to live her life without him, knowing how good it had been, wondering if it could have gotten any better. Wondering what she could have done differently.

Kiss me thrill me don't say goodbye
Hold me love me don't say goodbye
Oh oh oh don't say goodbye

But she was not only missing his presence in her life, she also missed his touch, his kisses, his embrace. She wished she could just wake up beside him once more like that morning after he had needed her to hold him. Damn he still needed her even though he had told her he did not. She knew that was something else he considered to be a weakness, a human weakness at that, so he probably did not even admit it to himself. But he needed her as much as she needed him, especially after what had happened with Pierce. Unfortunately thinking about him did not get her anywhere besides maybe the loony bin since he was slowly driving her insane. He was even invading her dreams in which he would do all the things she was longing for.

And I love you
I want you
I wanna talk to you
I wanna be with you
And I love you
I want you
I wanna talk to you
I wanna be with you

If he would only accept her love, letting her try to heal all the mental wounds that would only get worse if he kept on ignoring them because his damn pride did not allow him to show any weakness. If he would only…

She did not finish her last thought because she felt him turn to leave. Somehow she knew that he would not come back tomorrow. He would not ever again. So she sang the last part of the song putting all her despair into the lines.

Oh oh oh
Oh oh oh
Kiss me goodbye

Wishing and hoping that she could at least have that much.

Knowing she never would.

Thanks for reading and special thanks to spacegirl for the feedback. Hope you enjoy the last part.

I can’t help myself – Part 3

Oh oh oh
Oh oh oh
Kiss me goodbye

When heard her voice full of emotion, longing and devastation sing these words, expressing what he wanted to do so badly he did not find it in him to leave. He was too weak.

Or maybe those words made him strong enough to face his feelings one more time, to give it one last try. To at least get his kiss goodbye.

Certain that he was doing the right thing he finally knocked on her window, after all those weeks finally giving in to the craving he had had all these lonely hours spent in front of her window. His resolve decreasing when she did not react immediately, thinking she had already moved on, giving in to the fear that he had waited too long, that she did not want him anymore. But then he remembered why he had been knocking in the first place. She could not have faked all these emotions in her voice, they sounded too real.

Having gained back some of his confidence from before he knocked again, a little louder this time. He was holding his breath when he saw her turn around in her seat, looking directly at him.
When she felt him approaching again she thought she was just imagining it. He had left her for good and he would never come back. He was too proud to take back his decisions, to admit that he had been wrong. She scolded herself for not accepting reality, for letting her mind play tricks on her just because she so desperately wanted him to come back. Now she even heard a knock on her window. Like he would ever do that. He could just use his powers to come in like he had done so many times before.

A second knock convinced her that she was not going insane so she turned around, looking directly into his face. She had not expected what she saw there. He was so open, all his emotions apparent in his eyes. She had never been able to read him like that.

She opened the window and he climbed in.
If I would tell you
How much you mean to me
I think you wouldn't understand it

“Maria.”

That was all he said. He had never been good with words and in situations in which he wanted, needed to express himself, it was even worse. He was standing right in front of her, so close but so far. To bridge the gap between them he looked into her green eyes hoping to see what she needed to hear from him but he did not find what he was searching for. Instead he found something else.

Something better.

He realized that they did not need words at all. She understood him, no matter what. And she trusted him, she believed in him, she was in love with him. After all that he had done to her she was still willing to take him back, to give him another chance to prove that he was worthy of her. He would take that chance.

He knew that was exactly what he was going to do. For her. Only her.
“Michael.”

So I’ll wait, I’ll wait
Until this day comes
When you will understand me

She had waited so long for him to reach the understanding that he was the best thing that had ever happened to her. Maybe he was not there yet, but she could see that he was slowly reaching that point. And that made her heart swell with happiness.

She reached out her hands to touch his cheeks, caressing them softly for a few moments. She still had to wrap her mind around the fact that he finally was with her, standing in front of her and offering his heart. When he closed his eyes to savour the feel of her touch, she could not contain herself any longer. She took one step forward into his waiting arms burying her face in his chest, her hands coming up around his neck. She finally let fall the tears she had been suppressing all night because she had not wanted him to see her like that.

They stood like that for an eternity, holding onto each other as tight as possible too afraid to be the first to let go, too afraid that this was just another dream from which they would wake up yearning for the other’s embrace.

Finally they both looked at each other, chocolate brown meeting emerald green.

But I can't help myself

When she looked up at him he could not hold back any longer. He needed to not only feel her body against his but her mouth on his as well. So he slowly bent his head softly touching her lips with his own. He had missed this so much, missed her so much.

I can't stop myself

She instantly opened her mouth, her arms tightening around his neck to pull him closer. She had missed this so much, missed him so much.

I am going crazy

He started to nibble on her bottom lip causing her to softly moan in pleasure, but this was not enough for her, she needed more. She grazed his lip softly with her teeth eliciting a moan in return, giving her the opportunity to squeeze her tongue between his teeth, surprising him. Not that he did not like it, it was just the first time that she took control, the first time he felt comfortable in letting her.

And I can't stop myself

When he felt her tongue touch his for the first time in what seemed like forever he let out another groan, fully enjoying the getting to know each other again part. He let one of his hands wander from her waist over her side to her neck, caressing her cheek with his thumb. She looked into his eyes, surprised by this gentle action so uncharacteristic for him. It was not like he had been rough in their previous make out sessions he just had not shown that much emotion when he had touched her. Seeing his insecure glance she smiled at him and pulled his head closer again, letting him take the lead in their next kiss. He rediscovered every crevice of her mouth with his tongue before engaging in a passionate dance with hers.

Cannot control myself

It had been too long since they had been this close to each other. They both craved more. He desperately needed to feel her skin so he pushed his hands under the tank top she was wearing for the night, sliding his hands up and down her back never stopping their kiss. He was astounded by the fact that she did not wear a bra but she did not seem to mind his roaming hands exploring her naked back. His shirt seemed to bother her though judging by the fact that she was pushing it up his back vehemently. He interrupted their kiss to help her take it off, leaving him only in his jeans. When she touched his bare chest he groaned unsure how much more he could take without exploding. Their intimate encounters had never been like this. Sure she had seen him without a shirt before and he had seen her in only her bra but it had never gotten this intense. There was something different in the way they were touching and kissing each other today.

“Maria.”

I am going crazy

He kissed her lips again before kissing a path down her cheek and chin to nibble on her neck. His hands were stroking her back again while trying to hold her as close as possible. When he flipped out his tongue to soothe the spot he had been worrying before she let out a soft moan and tilted her head to the side to give him better access to her sensitive skin. He instantly took advantage of that and bit her soft flesh, making sure that tomorrow everybody would see that she was his girlfriend again. Satisfied with his work he kissed down her neck to her collarbone, sliding the strap of her top down her shoulder. Another moan made him confident enough to let his hands wander from her back to her front, slowly sliding them up her stomach.

“Michael.”

She barely breathed out his name, then she took her hands away from his neck where they had been holding him close to her, to stop his wandering hands. Then she took a step back. He looked at her dazed until he realized that she turned off the song that had been playing in the background. He did not quite understand why since the lyrics seemed pretty fitting for their current situation.

Funny how the lines of one song can fit different situations even when the same person was listening. That was when he understood. She had been listening to those lyrics the whole night, probably thinking about her loser boyfriend that had caused her so much pain. No wonder she did not want to hear it anymore.

When she stood in front of him again, his insecurities were back in his eyes. He felt bad about the way he had treated her in the past few weeks and now that he was with her again he had not even told her that he was sorry, he just fell back into the pattern of physically expressing his feelings. He wanted her to know that this was not the reason he came back to her, that he…

He lost his train of thoughts when she lifted the hem of her shirt und pulled it above her head leaving her in only her sleeping shorts. She smiled shyly at the amazed expression on his face before she stepped closer to him again so that her breasts were almost touching his chest. Since he still seemed too shocked to move she took each of his wrists in her hands and put his hands on her waist, then she tangled her fingers in his hair and pulled his lips to hers for another sizzling kiss.

After a few moments he lost his inhibitions and started to caress her sides tentatively before pulling her body flush against his, enjoying the feel of her skin against his. Never had he imagined that anything could feel so good, so right.

She was in heaven. It was official, you did not need to be religious to get there. She was sinning right now after all and it felt so good, so right. She had not been sure how far she wanted to go when she had taken off her top, but now she could not even entertain the thought of stopping. He was still kissing her, tasting her while his fingertips were slightly sliding up and down her back and her sides, barely touching her. That was when she made her decision. She trailed her hands from his neck down his chest, his abs only stopping when she reached the button of his jeans. He was in his own world not realizing what she was doing until she started to push his pants down.

This time he was the one to stop her hands. She looked up into his eyes seeing the question in them. She just nodded, both of them were so openly showing their emotions with their actions, there was no need for words tonight. He took off his jeans before hesitantly easing down his boxers as well, never breaking eye contact. She mimicked his actions by taking off her sleeping shorts, still locking eyes with him. Then she felt him again, first his lips on hers, second his arms around her waist, and third his body against hers. This time without any barriers.

He was still processing what was about to happen when he felt his body move towards her bed out of its own volition, taking her with him. When he felt the edge of the bed on the back of his legs he sat down pulling her between his legs so he could direct all his attention to her breasts. He started his exploration by gently scraping them with his fingernails, teasing her by not touching her already hardened nipples. Soon he repeated this action with his fingertips still not going were she wanted to feel him the most. He was fascinated by the sounds he elicited from her and by the way she was letting her head fall backwards.

“Michael!”

Hearing her say his name loaded with so much passion and desire made him forget his plan of teasing her a little longer. He just could not resist taking one of the little pebbles in front of his face into his mouth. She had not been expecting the pulse of lust that coursed from her breast to her center and caused her knees to tremble so she had to sit down on his lap.

“Maria!”

Feeling her thigh brushing against his already painfully hard manhood he could not suppress hissing her name. She looked at him, unsure at first if she had hurt him, but when she realized what affect that one little touch had had on him her eyes started gleaming. He was pretty sure that she was up to something so he put his hands on each side of her waist and flipped them so that they both were lying on the bed now with him effectively pinning her underneath him before she could put her plan into practice.

When she opened her mouth to complain he silenced her by sealing her mouth with his lips. A few seconds later her hands came up behind his neck showing him that he had not done anything wrong. He let his hand wander over her body again while his mouth drifted to her breast. This time she knew what was hitting her when he closed his lips around one of her nipples but she would never get used to this feeling, at least she hoped not. When he was releasing her breast she let out a disappointed moan that soon turned into one of pleasure when she felt him licking her other nipple. When she felt him deliberately releasing his cool breath on it she started squirming on the bed, needing more.

“Michael.”

This time his name sounded like a plea on her lips. He internally cursed the effect that was having on him before concentrating on her squirming body again. He led one of his hands down her stomach until he reached the soft hair between her legs. He looked into her eyes once more to make sure that she really wanted him to touch her there. She just opened her legs for him. When he touched her most intimate spot he was surprised how soft and wet her flesh was. He parted her lips with one finger and searched for the little nubbin that would give her the most pleasure. When she bucked her hips against his hand he knew he had found it. He started to circle it with his thumb while letting his fingers explore her wet entrance.

And she had thought she had been in heaven before. Well the feelings coursing through her body right now were too good to explain anyway, too good to be spoiled with words that could never completely describe them. When she felt herself being entered by one of his fingers, her hips moved up into his touch out of their own volition, lifting off of the mattress. When he started a rhythm with his finger without stopping the circling motion on her clit she felt something even more wonderful building up inside of her. She had never felt like this when she was touching herself.

When she felt that she was getting close to orgasm she took his amazingly talented hand by the wrist to stop his actions.

He looked at her bewildered. He was pretty sure that he had not done anything wrong if her reactions to his touch were anything to judge by. If she had changed her mind about going all the way she could have stopped him after she had come, he would not mind, he would love to be able to give that to her. But when he saw the look in her eyes he knew that she had not changed her mind. He could see all the love, passion and desire she felt for him and he understood. She wanted him to be with her, to be inside her when she came.

After positioning himself between her legs he questioned her one last time with a penetrating look, hoping to convey that it was alright if she wanted to stop. She just pulled his head down to her mouth to kiss him, to show him everything she felt for him, to take away the fear of causing her pain that had flickered in his eyes for a few moments.

He entered her slowly, so as to not hurt her more than necessary, never breaking their eye contact. When he felt the thin barrier she kissed him again twining her fingers in his hair. He pushed forward until he was completely inside of her causing her to let out a piercing cry that was mumbled by their kiss. She moved her hands down the small of his back signaling him to stop moving.

“Maria?”

When he saw the single tear leaving her left eye he internally cursed himself for not being able to take away her pain. He took her face into his hands and started to kiss it beginning with the wet spot on her left cheek, then her left eye, her nose, her forehead and finally her lips. He was waiting for a sign that would tell him that she was going to be okay. Her obvious pain was the only thing that made him keep his control, feeling her around him without being able to move was the worst kind of torture for the hormone driven teenager he was. As that thought crossed his mind he scolded himself for being so selfish.

That was when she opened her eyes again signaling him to keep on moving by slightly pushing her hips against his. He took the hint and started sliding in and out of her in a slow rhythm watching her the whole time to make sure she was not hurting anymore. When she started to moan again he knew she was okay and he kissed her passionately, mimicking his thrusts with his tongue.

She was surprised how fast the pain had subsided and had been replaced by pleasure again. Feeling him with every part of her body was definitely a big turn on as was the worry she had seen in his face. His rhythmic thrusts were getting her close to the edge again but she needed a little bit more. So she took one of his hands from her face and lead it to where they were joined, urging him to use his magic fingers on her again. When he squeezed her clit between his fingers she bucked up her hips even harder, making him repeat that action with every thrust. One more squeeze and she was gone.

“Michael!”

Seeing her in so much pleasure and feeling her inner muscels clench around him triggered his own release by letting out one last groan. And he had thought just feeling her skin on his had been the most beautiful experience in his life, but he had been wrong. This moment, lying on top of her, still buried deep inside of her, holding her so close to him was it. It felt so right.

It felt like home.
Later that night he woke up still holding her naked body to his side. He wiped some hair out of her face and his bad conscience started bothering him. He thought of all the times that knowing him had caused her pain. When he saw her eyes flutter open, he opened his mouth to apologize, to tell her that he would never hurt her again, but she did not let him say anything by simply putting two fingers on his mouth and shaking her head, telling him with her eyes that she already knew, that she had already forgiven him. That all she had needed was him to take the first step and to open up to her. She did not need an apology. She did not need any promises. All she needed was him.

And now he was finally able to give it to her, to give himself to her completely.