Roswell Fanatics

TITLE: 'Someone's Watching Over Me'
AUTHOR: Itzstacie
DISCLAIMER: I don’t own anything., I am only borrowing the names of the characters. All songs are by Hillary Duff which I do not own.
RATING: MATURE, AUWithout Aliens
SUMMERY: How far are you willing to go, what are you willing to risk to reach your dreams?

AN: The title and the story comes from the song "Someone's Watching Over Me' by Hillary Duff. You should really try and listen to it if you have not heard it yet. I am trying something new and I hope it doesnt get to confusing. It is told from Max's POV, this is the first time I am attempting a whole story from his point of view.. I will say Tess is not in this story. * Warning There is Character Death**This story is already posted up to chapter 5 on my site, I will be updating this once a week because I do not want to get a ahead of myself and leave you waiting for a long time.

I have to say a special thank you toTanya for the amazing banner she made me and for volunteering to be my beta and sounding board for this too.





Prologue


“Dad, have you ever had your heart broken?”

My seventeen year old asks me as we sit by the fire on our yearly father-son camping trip. I know he does this more for my benefit then his, but I cherish this time that we spend together.

My name is Max Evans; I am a forty-year-old successful businessman. I got married when I was twenty-two and a year later we had a child. It took me along time to get to that point in my life where I was ready to really let someone in, and although there were times when I just wanted to throw it all away, she never gave up on me and I love her all the more for it.

He stares at me with his blue eyes and I know he is serious, which kinds of throws me off guard because we’ve never had a serious conversation to save our lives. I mean my wife was the one who gave him the sex talk, and he usually goes to her with everything else.

I reach over and grab my backpack, pulling out the old worn journal that I still have after all these years. I don’t know why but something compelled me to pull it out of its hiding spot and shove it in with my gear before we left.

I run my fingertips over the front of it; if I close my eyes right now I can still picture her with her long brown hair twirling along with her, on the ice. I look up at him, “Yes I have, but it wasn’t in a sense that I was dumped or vice versa.”

”What happened,” he asked, and I have to wonder if something happened between him and his best friend Krista; I heard them arguing on the phone the night before we came here.

I scoot off the log and lean back against it getting comfortable, “The only way to tell you my story would be to tell you her story,” I begin. “I never told anyone else what was written in here,” I say pointing to the journal.

”Not even, mom?” he asks.

”No, not even your mother. You’re going to learn that there are just some things that happen in your life that are private and special, I should say.”

”Was she a girlfriend?”

I shake my head negatively, “She was my best friend, but she was so much more than that too. I just didn’t realize it until it was too late.”

”What do you mean,” he asks, confusion evident in his piercing blue eyes.

And so I begin with a heavy heart, “It was when I was your age in high school, and her name was Liz Parker.” I take in a deep breath and look down at the pages in front of me. Her words, her thoughts and I begin to read aloud…

It’s August 28, 2005 and I’m Liz Parker. Nothing special about me, I’m just a small time girl from a small town where the population is twenty thousand. I always start each new journal with the same opening. I guess it’s mainly because I feel like if I ever get to the point in my life where I start losing my memory, I have something to look back on and help me remember.

I started writing in one when I was thirteen and ever since then it’s been my words for me when I have trouble saying the things I want to say out loud. That happens a lot with me.

My father owns a small café called the “Parker Café,” for as long as I can remember we have had this place.

My mother died when I was fourteen from cancer. I remember the last words she said to me, “Find a dream you can follow and fly Liz, because that’s what you were made to do.” She was the one who got me started with skating and also found my coach. I have been skating ever since. My dream is to go the national ice-skating championship.

I feel like I’ve been skating forever. Ever since the day my mother put me in a pair of ice skates when I was six years old, the moment I stepped out onto the ice, I knew that that was where I belonged. The way my skates glided along the smooth ice, I could close my eyes and really feel like I was flying.

I don’t have very many friends; the ones I sit with and talk to at lunch and occasionally at the café are okay but were not close. Except for one of them. We’ve known each other since we were born thanks to our parents being best friends, so naturally from their hangouts we got close.

His name is Max Evans and he’s the one person that knows me better than myself. We have formed our own little habits over the years; like every Friday he will bring lunch for us to share or every Wednesday he’ll meet me after practice and we’ll go for ice cream or something.

We’re starting our junior year this year, and I don’t know why but I have a feeling that things are going to be changing. I’m not sure yet if they are going to be good or bad, but something tells me that it will be life changing.

Thanks Guys For the Feedback, The Prolouge is kind of short so I decided to go ahead and post part 1

Chapter 1

It’s September 9th, I’ve missed a couple of days. I’ve been getting situated in school. It’s strange how you always seem to get butterflies on the first day. I mean you know this is something that you have to do for twelve years of your life, so why do you always get nervous? I guess for me it’s because I’m always anxious to see who my teachers are, if any of my friends are in my class and over all if there are any new people that are joining.

I am very happy about my schedule this year; I have three classes with Max and two with Maria and Michael. I already know that Max and I will be biology partners, which I am very thankful for because I know we work well together.

Also got some good news the other day too, Coach Serena told me that she sent in my paperwork for the regional competition, if I win I move ahead to nationals and I can’t wait. I know I’m good and finally people will get the chance to see it. I was a little skeptical at first because I wasn’t sure if I would able to get what I needed. I know my dad works hard and does his best to make sure we are taken care of, but running a business is hard and takes a lot of money, so I don’t really ask for much.

I told him I was going to make my costume because I know money is tight, but he just smiled and told me not to worry about that. The only thing he wanted me to worry about was getting out there and doing the best I can.

I haven’t told anyone else yet, I guess I am still waiting for it all to sink in. I mean who would have thought that me, Liz Parker, was going to get a chance to finally show the world what she is made of? I know Max will be happy for me, along with everyone else but I want to keep this information to myself just a little while longer.

“When did you find out?” My son stops me from proceeding to the next page.

”A couple of weeks later,” I tell him, “I remember she couldn’t stop smiling for two weeks and she would never tell me what it was for,” I smile remembering. “She would just say she woke up in a good mood.”

”Was she as good as she says was,” he questions.

I nod my head, “Yeah she was. She really knew how to fly across that ice. She even taught me how to skate. We used to have so much fun at it because I was horrible at it. She never got mad at me or gave up on me, she would just help me back up and we would continue on.” I can’t help but remember it as if it were yesterday. She truly was an amazing skater but an even better friend.

”If you were best friends, why haven’t you ever talked about her before, or how come mom doesn’t know about her?”

”Your mom knows of her and like I said before sometimes you just want to keep things to yourself.”

”He nods his head, “So how did she tell you?”

I smile and transport myself back in time.

“Max aren’t you picking up Liz from practice?” My mother shouts from down the hall, I look over at the clock, shit it’s later than I thought! Stupid book report, how can teachers give you homework so fast? There should be a law against them giving you homework the first month of school.

I grab my jacket off the back of the chair and high tail it out of there. “I’ll be back later!” I shout as I close the door and jump into my jeep. I make it to the rink in record time and thank the stars she’s still inside.

There isn’t much to our town but this skating rink makes up for it. This is the most popular place in town where everyone hangs out. Most of the time when I come here it’s empty, only because Liz’s coach rents it out for an hour three times a week so Liz can practice with no interruptions. I like it the best because other people can’t see me making a fool out of myself trying to skate.

Opening the doors I stride in hoping that she hasn’t finished yet. I like to watch her skate. It amazes me the amount of balance and strength she has. It’s like she doesn’t have a care in the world when she’s out there, the outside world doesn’t exist.

I know what you’re probably thinking, that I have some kind of feelings for her. Well of course I do she is my best friend, but that’s as far as it goes. I’ve known her my whole life and she’s practically like a sister to me, which I like better than my own blood sister.

Liz just knows me better than anyone and I can talk to her about anything and everything. She’s the one I run too when I have girl problems, not that I have any mind you, but you get the point. She’s just a fun person to hang out with and when two people like the same thing it makes things easier.

Walking down the stairs towards the rink I see that she has finished and is putting her shoes back on. Without even looking up she addresses me, “You’re late.” I can tell she’s teasing me.

”Sorry, got carried away with Mr. Seligman’s book report,” I explain.

She looks up at me, “You haven’t finished that yet?”

”Well, you know some of us don’t glue our nose to our books,” I tease her.

She smiles and stands up placing her skates into her gym bag, “You ready?” she asks coming to stand in front of me.

“Let’s roll,” I say picking up her bag for her.

“How was practice?” I ask.

”It went great! I have some news to tell you too,” she says cryptically as we walk up the stairs to exit the rink.

”What is it?”

”I’ll tell you when we get to Dawson’s; I’m in the mood for some pizza.” Nice way to avoid the question.

I hate being kept in the dark, and she knows this. I hate when people do this, they tell you they have something to important to tell you then they make you wait forever wondering if it’s something bad or good. A man could literally die from being anxious to know.

”Tell me now,” I beg her as we get in the jeep and head for Dawson’s Pizza Shack. Her father owns one of the most popular cafes in town and she insists on going to this run down place where the rats wont even eat. I do have to admit they have the best pizza though.

“Nope, gotta wait,” she says then proceeds to press the CD button on the player and starts belting out the tune loudly.

Have you ever wondered, what life is about
You could search the world and never figure it out
You don't have to sail the oceans
No, no, no
Happiness is no mystery
It's here and now, it's you and me

She is the only girl I have ever met who is truly obsessed with Hillary Duff. You would think she would be obsessed with someone that was at least a guy or could at least sing… someone other than Lizzie McGuire.

We pull into Dawson’s and park, getting out we head inside and order a large sausage pizza. One of these days I am going to get her to order something other than just plain sausage.

I wait until she’s eaten three slices, yes I said three, and she does like to eat. “So tell me,” I whine.

She takes a sip of her drink then beams, “I am going to the regional championship. Serena filled out the paperwork and sent it in. And in four weeks I’m going to finally show these people around here that I am something,” she beams brightly.

My heart picks up speed, “Liz that’s great!” I am truly excited for her; I know this is something she has been wanting for the longest time. “You better get me tickets,” I warn her jokingly.

She smiles, “Of course I am. I’m going to get enough for your whole family.”

My mother is going to be overjoyed; she loves Liz like a daughter. Ever since Liz’s own mother passed away my mother has taken extra care to make sure Liz has that motherly touch and love.

We finish up and get up to leave when Liz sways a little. I reach out and grab her arm, “Are you okay?” I ask worriedly. She frowns for a minute then shrugs her shoulders, “Must have gotten up too fast.”

I watch her carefully as she walks out the door, ‘my grandmother could have beaten her getting up.’

Chapter 2

It’s September 22nd, there’s a new girl in school. Her name is Michelle and she’s so beautiful you can’t help but notice her with her short brown hair and deep brown eyes. Even Max noticed her, its weird because I have never seen him look at a girl like that before. It was like he was memorized with her or something. He offered to be her lab partner, which left me in total shock.

I don’t know why it bothered me so much, but it felt like I had the wind knocked out of me when he stood up and offered. I have started noticing little things about him that I never saw before like the way his eyes light up when talking about basketball or how cute he really looks when he blushes.

I’m scared of these new found feelings and I’m not sure what to do with them, I mean Max has been my best friend my entire life, I’m not suppose to feel these things. Is it wrong that lately when I look at him there’s a longing there? Is it wrong that I wonder what it would be like to really kiss him?

I fear that I’ll never get to know, and the way he looked at this new girl the more I’m sure that I’ll never find out. Maria told me that she sat with them at lunch. I had to work on a report so I didn’t go. She told me that she seemed nice but there was something about her that didn’t quite sit well with her.

There’s something else too, something is wrong with my body. I can feel it. I’m tired all the time, and I just don’t feel like me. I have a gut feeling that I know what it is and I’m scared to death to tell my father. How can I go to him and tell him that his daughter might have the same thing that took his wife away? I think until it becomes a point where it is bad then I will tell him, but for right now I’ll just keep this to myself.

”She liked to keep a lot of secrets didn’t she?” Trey asks the moment I finish the page.

I place the book down beside me and pour myself a cup of coffee, “No, not really. Most of the time she told me everything that went on.”

”She had feelings for you. Did she ever tell you?”

I nod my head, “Once.” I look down at the burning fire getting lost in that memory. I think if I would have known what I know now I would have done things differently, maybe I’ll tell my son about it soon.

”Did you have feelings for her?” he asks snapping me out of my daydream.

I look up at my son and answer as honestly as I can, “I did, but I was too young and stupid to realize what they were. And by the time I did…it was too late.” I swallow passed the lump of regret.

”So, this Michelle girl,” he asks.

I grimace as I remember her ‘she was my first girlfriend, they always say you don’t forget those. At first it was great, but later I realized she was the biggest part of all my problems ’

*****

“Max can you help me set the table please, Jeff and Liz are going to be here soon,” I hear my mother call from the kitchen.

”Sure mom!” I get up and head towards the kitchen. The sound of the phone ringing stops me in my tracks, I turn to answer it.

”Hello?”

”Hi, can I please speak to Max?”

”This is him, who is this?” I ask since I don’t recognize the voice on the other end.

”It’s me, Michelle…you gave me your number today and said I could call. I’m not interrupting anything am I? I’m sorry…maybe I shouldn’t have called,” she rushes out and I’m still trying to wrap the idea around my head that she actually called me. I was a nervous babbling idiot when I gave her my number and I never expected her to call.

”I’ll just hang up now,” she says quickly.

”No!” I shout into the phone, then clear my throat, “No, don’t. I’m sorry. I’m just surprised that you called.” I explain and pray that my voice doesn’t crack anymore than it has.

She giggles and I melt. I’ve never been interested in girls before, but she is so beautiful that I can’t help the butterflies that flutter in my stomach when I am near her, “So what are you up to?” I ask her.

”Oh nothing. I was just wondering if you would like to do something after school Wednesday? I don’t know where anything is and it would be nice for someone to show me around.”

I smile as I listen to her ramble on, I’ve never had a girl act nervous around me and I have to admit its boosting my ego big time. Then it dawns on me is she asking me out on a date? I’ve never been on a date before. What if I make a fool out of myself? What are we suppose to do…to talk about? I’ll have to talk to Liz tonight when she comes over.

”Max,” she asks hesitantly. I almost forgot she was still on the phone, I am so stupid.

”Uh…okay…I mean…uhm…that would be great.” Yeah, Max way to charm her.

”Max did you hear me?!” I hear my mother shout.

”Would it be okay for me to call you later? I need to go take care of some things for my mother,” I ask her while crossing my fingers that she says yes.

”Sure, you can call me anytime,” she says I can’t help the big goofy grin that forms on my face.

I hang up a few minutes later and finally make my way into the kitchen, setting up the dinnerware on the table. I can’t help but feel like I’m flying, I got a date!

”What’s got you grinning like a dork?” I hear Liz sneak in behind me.

I lose the smile coughing a little, “Um…nothing.”

She raises her eyebrow at me, “I know you better than that, what’s up?”

I place the last plate down and pluck her by her elbow dragging her to my room, “I got a date with the new girl,” I say grinning.

The look on Liz’s face is confusing; she looks down at the floor before forcing a smile, “That’s great.”

“Hey, what’s wrong...you’re not upset because of it are you?” I ask her quickly. There is something about the way she is looking at me that makes my stomach twist in a knot.

She shakes her head, “ No, not at all. Why would I be? I think it’s great that you finally notice girls,” she teases.

I can tell she’s not going to talk about what’s really bothering her, so I go along with her teasing, “I’ve noticed girls before.” I say tossing a pillow at her.

She catches it before it hits her in the face. “Only because I’ve pointed them out.”

”Whatever...let’s go eat, I’m starving.”

We make our way downstairs sitting at the table as everyone else sits down. My mother beams at Liz, “Honey your dad gave us the tickets, I am so proud of you.”

Liz blushes and tucks a strand of hair behind her ear, “Thank you.”

”Oh I can’t wait to see you. I know you are going to be great,” my mother continues on.

“Diane, honey you’re making the girl blush,” my father tells her, but then makes her blush even harder when he says, “We all know she is going to smoke those other competitors.”

I love that little pink tint her cheeks take on when she gets embarrassed, for some reason it always makes my heart sing inside, just seeing her happy makes my whole day.

”I’m glad someone has faith in me,” she says taking a sip of water.

”You’re going to do great,” I reassure her. She is after all almost flawless on the ice, her turns and jumps are sharp and Serena is always praising her.

“Okay, I think we’ve all embarrassed Liz enough for tonight,” Jeff, her father teases and rubs her back, “She is going to do great.”

I can’t help but agree.

Thank you guys for the feedback... Those waiting on Guilty I am working on it, I swear.

Songs Used: "Crawlin' by Linkin Park and "Someone's Watching Over Me' by Hillary Duff.


Chapter 3

”So what’s going on with you and Krista,” I ask my son.

He picks up a stick and starts poking the fire frowning, “Nothing,” he says.

“I heard you two arguing on the phone. You do know you can talk to me,” I tell him.

”Its nothing…just a stupid argument. Read me some more of her journal,” he adds quickly changing the subject.

I watch him for a moment before picking up the journal. I take a moment before starting, my heart clenches every time I read her words from here on out. I guess you could say this was the beginning of our downfall. I clear my throat then begin.

Its August 8th, last night was the first time I have cried myself to sleep since my mother died, and the reason for my tears was because of Max. I would have never guessed that the one person I thought would never hurt me did, and I don’t know why. I don’t understand what’s happening to me. I don’t know what to do with these feelings I am having towards him. Why does it hurt so much to think of him and Michelle? And why do I feel like I’m slowly suffocating inside?

I should be happy for him right? I mean my best friend in the whole world has the potential to find love, so why does it feel like my heart is being ripped in two? These last two weeks I have to wonder if I’ve done something to make him mad; to make him blow off picking me up from practice. I know that it was not a set thing and that we never actually verbally said he would do it, but it’s something that he has done ever since he got his driver’s license. And I won’t lie, it hurt that he forgot about it.

The way he acted in the café yesterday was not the Max I know. I’ll admit I’ve been busy with practice using all my free time to prepare so I haven’t really had time to get to know Michelle, I thought yesterday would be my chance...now I’m not so sure I even want to take the time.

He came into the café during my shift with her. I went over thinking that I would finally get to meet her properly and take some time to talk to her. He treated me like I was just some other waitress, only when I slammed his drink down on the table did he acknowledge me and it was only to tell me how rude I was being. I was so hurt; I didn’t even finish my shift. I just ran upstairs and cried myself to sleep.

”Man you acted like an asshole,” Trey tells me the second I finish reading the entry.

”Hey, I am still your father,” I reprimand him lightly.

He raises an eyebrow at me, “Yes, but you still acted like one. Why did you do that?”

”I really don’t remember why I did it, I didn’t even really remember doing it until the next day and I apologized over and over for it. I don’t know what came over me, when I was with Michelle I was this whole different person.” I try to explain my actions as best as possible.

”Did Liz forgive you,” he asks.

”Not right away,” I answer as I retell the events of that day.

****

“Well look who finally decided to grace us with her presence,” Maria says as I eye Liz walking towards us.

I know she’s been busy these last few weeks getting ready for regional, so she’s been missing lunch with us and hasn’t had a chance to meet Michelle. I told Michelle about her and she really wants to meet her, I really hope they get along because they are the two most important people in my life.

Liz plops down between Maria and Alex, I frown when my heart squeezes some, she usually sits next to me. She says hello to everyone and then she looks at me, her eyes are hard, surprising me. Before I can say anything she pulls out a pair of headphones and puts them on and proceeds to sing out loud.

Crawling in my skin
These wounds, they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real

Maria raises her eyebrow and looks at me; I shrug my shoulders calling out, “Liz.”

There’s something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
Consuming, confusing
This lack of self control I fear is never ending
Controlling I can’t seem
To find myself again

She doesn’t answer and I’m starting to get annoyed, Michelle leans over, “That’s Liz,” she asks.

I nod my head in affirmation, “Liz,” I call out a little louder, she’s got her nose buried in a book and I know she’s not really reading it.

My walls are closing in
Without a sense of confidence
I’m convinced that it’s too much pressure to take
I’ve felt this way before
So insecure

I surprise everyone when I stand up reaching across the table I slam my hand down on her book, “LIZ!”

She jumps and looks at me wide eyed, pulling her headphones down, “What,” she spats out angrily.

"You’re being rude. Everyone is trying to eat and we don’t need to listen to your singing,” I say offended. I don’t know if its her actual singing that is annoying me or the fact that she chose to sit by Maria. Sighing, I ask her nicely "Now can you put the headphones away so I can introduce you to Michelle?”

She raises her eyebrow and looks around the table, “Am I bothering you,” she asks them.

Maria hides a smile and responds with a, “ Not one bit babe.”

Michael just shakes his head, “Nice choice of music there, I was getting into it.”

She looks at Michelle, “Hi, I’m Liz,” is all she says then proceeds to put the headphones back on turning the volume up louder and starts singing even louder than before.

Crawling in my skin
These wounds, they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real

She looks directly at me daring me to say something else, pissed I grab my lunch and take Michelle’s hand pulling her away from the table.

I can’t believe she acted like that. I turn and look at Michelle, “I’m sorry about that, I don’t know what’s gotten into her. She normally doesn’t act like a spoiled brat,” I try to apologize for Liz’s actions.

”It’s okay, maybe it’s just me,” she offers.

I take her hand, “It has nothing to do with you, and she’s just pissed at me because I didn’t pick her up the last two weeks.” I look out across the field, “It’s sort of been a tradition with us, I pick her up from practice then we go do something.” My heart constricts just thinking about how much I actually miss spending time with her

”Why didn’t you pick her up,” she asks.

I turn to her and smile softly, “Because I wanted to spend time with you.”

She sighs, “Max you shouldn’t have done that, no wonder she hates me. She probably thinks I’m trying to steal her best friend away,”

”She’ll get over it,” I shrug my shoulders.

”I think you should apologize to her.”

”Why?!” I burst out, “It was never a set thing, and besides I told her that I had plans with you. If she wants to get all pissy about it then that’s her problem.”

”Then what about yesterday?” she asks.

What is she talking about? I look at her confused, “What about yesterday?”

”Max, yesterday when we went to the café, she was our waitress.”

“No, she wasn’t, she wasn’t scheduled to work,” I explain rationally. There is no way I would have missed that.

”Max, I’m telling you she was our waitress yesterday. No wonder she was so rude,” she concludes quickly.

I crease my brows trying to remember…Shit! It didn’t even dawn on me, no wonder she’s acting like she is.

I stand up, “I have to go apologize. I’m sorry but I have to make things right with her.” I square my shoulders determined to make this up to Liz.

”It’s okay I understand,” she says.

I lean down and kiss her. “I’ll see you later,” I tell her as I head off to find Liz.

I spot her a few minutes later by her locker putting books inside. I make a beeline for her before she can spot me and leave, skidding to a stop beside her. “I’m sorry,” I rush out.

”For,” she says continuing to eye her locker. I can tell she wants to look at me, but she won’t.

”For acting like an ass,” I state the obvious.

She turns her head towards me, “So you admit your acting like an ass,” she states with her chin raised up and her eyes piercing me accusingly.

She’s not going to make this easy for me, I should have known. I guess I deserve it. I really haven’t been around lately.

”Yes I admit I’ve been acting like an ass. I didn’t even realize it was you yesterday in the café.” I take her hand in mine, “Liz you know me better than that. I would have never done that if I knew it was you,” I apologize sincerely.

She smiles and my heart skips a beat, rather than dwelling on it I ask her, “How can I make it up to you?” I say flashing my bright smile at her.

“You can pick me up today and we can go get a pizza,” she says with another warm smile.

My smile falters, “Oh…um.”

She pulls her hand away, “Let me guess, have plans with Michelle?” her voice is laced with the knowledge that she guessed right.

”I can reschedule them with her, she’ll understand.” I quickly try and recover.

”Don’t bother…I’ll probably be practicing late anyways,” she says and walks off leaving me standing alone in the hallway. I place my hand over my heart as it suddenly squeezes, that’s never happened before.

*****

”You were starting to realize you had feelings for her weren’t you?” Trey asks me.

I nod my head, “I did...but I didn’t. All these feelings were surfacing for the first time and I had no idea what was going on. I thought I was losing my mind.”

I turn the page of her journal, “Let’s move on,” I tell him.


Its August 10th, Regionals are tomorrow night. I’m scared and excited all at the same time. I know my routine like the back of my hand so I know I am going to do well. Afterwards I have to tell my father what is going on.

I can’t hide it anymore. I know this is going to kill him it nearly did when we watched my mother go through it, but I can feel my body slowing down and pretty soon the other symptoms will come. I can only hope that when the time comes he has enough strength to let me go and to carry on.

I can’t tell Max. There was a time when I could tell him anything, but lately he’s been so distant that I feel like I don’t know him at all. I know I was rude yesterday at lunch, I know he wants me to get to know Michelle. Honestly I don’t want to know her, I don’t want to see her pull him away. And another thing, would he even care if I told him? With the way he’s been acting lately I honestly think it wouldn’t matter to him.

I have to quit right there for a moment, every time I think about how she thought I wouldn’t care, tears me up inside. I blame myself for letting things get so bad between us that she would have rather gone through it alone then to let me be there.

“Dad, are you okay?” Trey asks me concerned.

I nod my head, “ Just need a minute.” I close my eyes fighting the tears that are swelling up. I am not ready for my son to see me cry.

He takes the book from my hand and reads the rest.

And that scares me more than anything, because I have never needed my best friend more than I need him right now. I don’t know if I can face this alone, and right now it’s exactly how I feel...alone.

”Dad you don’t you have to read me anymore, if it upsets you that much,” he tells me putting the book down.

”No I’m okay, I need to get this out. You just have to forgive me, this is the first time I’ve talked about all of this and I have to admit I’m really glad I can share this with you.”

”It’s okay dad,” he tells me and comes to sit next to me. “Why don’t you tell me about Regionals. Did she win?”

I smile before nodding my head, it warms my heart to find my son truly interested in my past. Most kids these days can’t stand to be in the same vicinity with their parents for more than two minutes.

”Tell me about it,” he says.

”I remember walking into the arena and my mother…”

*****

”I can’t believe the seats she got us; these are some great seats!” My mother exclaims as we sit down. I have to admit they are great, we are right in the front row in the middle of the rink.

I look around at the thousands of people filling the place and I have to give Liz big props, I would never have the courage to get out here in front of all these people. I try and look towards the back entrance for some trace of her but the camera crews block any view into the back.

The time flies by as the others do their performance and before I know it they are calling her name. I watch as she skates out to the middle of the floor, and I can’t help but notice how small she looks out there. She gets into position and the music starts.

I found myself today
Oh, I found myself and ran away
But something pulled me back
A voice of reason, I forgot I had

All eyes are on her as she starts her routine. She doesn’t even look like the girl I know; her hair is pulled up into a bun and around her eyes is sparkling with makeup. She looks simply put...beautiful.

All I know is you're not here to say
What you always used to say
But it’s written in the sky tonight

She sets up for a jump and I find myself holding my breath as she goes up in the air to do a double axle, she lands gracefully and I let the air out smiling.

So I won’t give up
No, I won’t break down
Sooner than it seems life turns around
And I will be strong Even if it all goes wrong
When I’m standing in the dark I’ll still believe
Someone’s watching over me

Then the strangest thing happens, everything else fades away and the only two people in the room are her and I. I have watched her skate a thousand times before, but at the same time it’s like I’m seeing her for the first time too.

I’ve seen that ray of light
And it’s shining on my destiny
Shining all the time
And I won’t be afraid

Why have I never noticed the way her eye’s light up or the way she becomes one with the music before? She does a spin extending her leg straight out and I find my eyes glued to the exposed skin wondering if they are as soft as they look. Shaking my head I quickly look away, what the hell is happening to me?

To follow everywhere it’s taking me
All I know is yesterday is gone
And right now I belong
To this moment, to my dreams

I suddenly find it very hot. I look at my mother who is clapping and crying happily, I then turn my attention back to Liz as she does a triple axle, wiping my forehead I find that I’m actually sweating. I stare at her exposed back as she goes into a spin; I wonder what it would feel like under my fingertips?

So I won’t give up
No, I won’t break down
Sooner than it seems life turns around
And I will be strong
Even if it all goes wrong
When I’m standing in the dark I’ll still believe
Someone’s watching over me

I have to get out of here. I stand up suddenly and push past my parents. My mother grabs my arm, “Max where are you going?”

”I have to go to the bathroom,” I lie.

She looks at me disapprovingly, “In the middle of her routine?”

”I really have to go,” I rush out quickly. I push the rest of the way out of the crowd and make a run for it.

It doesn’t matter what people say
And it doesn’t matter how long it takes
Believe in yourself
And you’ll fly high

I can hear the music echoing in the hallway as I head for the bathroom. I run in and turn the faucets on splashing cold water on my face. Leaning on the sink I stare up into the mirror my heart is racing and my body is trembling; what the hell is going on?

And it only matters how true you are
Be true to yourself and follow your heart

Postig this now because I am officaly going home Saturday and the cable is not hooked back up so no internet but I dont care alteast I'm going home lol.

Thank you guelbebek, kittens and Evans3 for reading and leaving feedback..and all those lurkers thanks for reading.


Chapter 4

It’s September 30, it’s strange how time flies when you least expect it. I mean some days tend to drag on and on and you wonder if the day is ever going to end. Then there are the days that go by so quickly you wonder where the time went. Ever since my doctors appointment I seem to be counting the days, one day closer to nationals, but at the same time it’s one less day that I am alive.

I don’t remember much of the day that the doctor confirmed that I have cancer. The same cancer that killed my mother, but the look on my fathers face when I went to him will forever haunt me. He is a strong man who hardly ever shows emotions and I could tell he was putting on a brave front when I told him what was going on. The minute I left the room I could hear his cries.

I remember sitting in that chair with him shaking next to me. I think he was scared more than I was. Instead of him holding my hand, I was holding his as the doctors explained that they would start chemo quickly and hopefully they could get rid of it before it did more damage. My father is holding onto that hope, and I can’t bring myself to tell him that I don’t think it’s going to work. I can already feel the changes in my body and I know it’s not going to be much longer now. I can only hope and pray that I at least make it to Nationals.

I want my time left to mean something, and when people look back on me they can say, “she full-filled her dreams and I admire her for that”. No one knows and I begged my father not to say anything. I could tell it was killing him when we went to dinner at the Evans’ house, they usually tell each other everything, but I made him swore he wouldn’t say anything.

It’s not that I don’t want them to know, it’s the fact that I don’t want Max to know. If Diane knows I know what would follow would be the pity looks and the constant mothering and it would be pretty clear that something is wrong. I just can’t deal with Max right now on top of everything else.

Last night I had the strangest dream; I dreamt that Max told me he loved me and wanted to be with me. I dreamt what it felt like to feel his lips on mine, to feel his fingertips caress my body. We were lying there in the desert and I closed my eyes as his lips traced their way down my neck.

Then just like that he was gone. I remember waking up and feeling this heavy feeling in my heart. All I could do was roll over and cry. It’s killing me that we have drifted so far apart, but I can’t do it anymore. I can’t pretend to be happy for him when my heart screams it’s suppose to be me.

Trey’s eyes are big, “She had cancer?”

I nod my head sadly.

“And you didn’t talk for a whole month?” Trey asks me.

“We said the occasional hi and stuff when we would do the dinners, but outside of that…” I shake my head slowly as I beat my self up inside.

“So how long after that entry did you find out?” he wonders.

“Two months later. I could see things with Liz progressing downhill, her grades started to slip and she was sleeping a lot in classes when she didn’t miss them all together. I tried to approach her a couple of times but she always avoided me and it was killing me inside.”

“Did you start to realize what your feelings were?”

“Somewhat. I started to realize that I was attracted to her more than a friend should be, but I was too scared to do anything about it,” I say playing with the edge of the pages of the journal.

“Were you still seeing Michelle?” he asks curiously.

I nod my head, “Yeah, it was around that time too that I started realizing she wasn’t all that I thought she was,” I tell him as I recall the day I started to see things differently.

*******


“Max can we go to the rink?” Michelle asks me the minute I pick her up.

Dread is the perfect word to describe what fills up inside me, ever since regional's I have been avoiding Liz like the plague.

It’s not because I’m mad at her or anything, its just she brings forth these feelings that I have never felt before and it scares me to death. So instead of feeling like that I have been hiding from her. My mother actually threatened to disown me if I didn’t make an appearance tomorrow night at the weekly dinner we have with them.

Michelle can tell I’m hesitating so she tacks on a, “Please.”

I nod my head and slowly begin to make my way to the rink. I try and think if she is going to have practice today. I know nationals are not for another month or so and she normally doesn’t push herself until right before hand.

I convince my self that she’s not going to be there and things will be okay. Another reason I have been avoiding her is because I feel like she’s not really interested in what goes on in my life anymore. I mean she never took the time to get to know Michelle, I mean she’s supposed to be my best friend you would think she would at least want to know who I’m dating.

But then again Michelle did point out that friends do grow up and start going in different directions, she said maybe it was time for Liz and I to start doing the same. I sort of agree even though it hurts to think that in ten years we will be those type of people who are just a passing thought and we say we knew once.

I pull into the parking lot and notice Serena’s car. Great she does have practice. I look at Michelle trying to think of an excuse to go somewhere else, but she’s already out the door with her skates in her hand.

I bang my head on the steering wheel. “Great,” I mutter out.

Grabbing my skates I run to catch up with Michelle, “We might have to wait.”

She looks at me. “Why?”

“Because Serena’s car is here, Liz might be having practice and we’ll have to wait for the rink to be free”.

She sighs annoyingly, “Well then she’ll just have to hurry up because I want to skate.”

I stand there with my mouth open in shock; this is not the girl I started dating.

She looks back at me and she breaks out into a false smile, “I’m kidding of course, I can wait.”

She takes my hand and leads me towards the rink; I let her think she got me but its still there in the back of my mind. We walk towards the front and I stop her with a tug, she looks at me.

“We have to go around back, if she is still practicing they won’t let us in through the front.”

“Fine,” she huffs and drags me around the back.

The minute we clear the door Jack stops us, “Practice is still going on Max,” he stares at me.

“I know...can we just watch?” I know how Serena feels about anyone watching Liz practice, which of course Jack reminds me immediately.

“You know how Serena gets-“

“I promise, we’ll be quiet, she wont even know we are there,” I quickly cut in.

He starts to protest, but Michelle quickly pops out, “Please. I’ve always wanted to watch what a professional does to get ready.” She bats her eyelashes at him and I raise my eyebrow, she’s actually flirting with him in front of me.

He sighs, “Fine...you know where to go.”

I take Michelle’s hand and lead her away, Jack’s voice halts me before reaching the door, “If you guys get busted, I never saw you,” he states.

“Noted,” I say as I pull open the door to the stairs.

We climb to the top quietly and make our way out to the rink. “Remember we have to be quiet,” I remind Michelle.

She rolls her eyes. “I got it,” she says sitting down, I frown maybe this wasn’t such a good idea.

I sit down next to her and look out onto the rink, I see Serena standing on the side with a stopwatch in her hand and a whistle in her mouth. Liz is on the floor skating and my brows crease as I look at her she looks like she lost some weight. She looks really fragile and I frown.

“She’s good,” Michelle remarks.

I nod my head that’s my Liz. I turn and watch as she sets up for a jump. She does a double axle, a triple axle and goes for another double but lands on her butt hard, I cringe inward. That had to hurt.

I’ve never seen her attempt to do that before, usually she’ll do one or the other but not trying to do all three jumps at one time. I look up to see Serena blow her whistle. “Try it again,” she says.

Liz gets up and tightens her ponytail; she blows out her breath and sets her self up to try the jump again. She falls in the exact same spot. I lean forward resting my elbow on my knee and cover my mouth as she attempts to do it three more times.

Serena gets upset. “Liz, what the hell is going on with you?”

“I can get it,” Liz says angrily.

Serena blows out her breath. “Liz, maybe we should just go with something else.”

“NO!” Liz growls. “I said I could do it.” She goes to try it again and falls. Dammit!” she screams hitting the ice.

I frown at what is going on, Liz never misses a jump. I watch as she gets up and skates slowly to the side grabbing her water bottle. My insides are screaming something is definitely not right with this situation.

My heart rate doubles when Serena lifts a hand to Liz’s forehead, Liz bats her hand away. Their voices are muffled and I can’t hear what they are saying but by the body language Liz is sporting I can say it is not good at all.

I actually jump in my seat when Liz yells, “I said I was fine!” She skates toward the middle of the rink again.

I glance at Michelle and see her smirking, what the hell. It actually ticks me off and I’m about to say something to her, but Serena voice stops me dead in my tracks.

“Liz, maybe we should for go Nationals.”

Liz stops abruptly skidding sideways on the ice, “What?” she asks disbelieving.

“Sweetie, it’s not worth it. You’re tired all the time, you’re missing your marks...maybe your body is trying to tell you something,” she says sincerely.

Liz shakes her head violently, “No, you are not going to take this away from me Serena.”

“But –“

“I SAID NO! I waited my whole life for this Serena.” My heart squeezes when I realize she’s on the verge of tears.

“Don’t take this away from me...I can do it,” she swears.

Serena rubs a hand on her forehead and relents, “Okay but let’s call it a day for now, go home and rest and we’ll try again.”

“Ten more minutes,” Liz pleads.

“Liz,” Serena says in a warning tone.

“Ten more minutes, I promise.”

Serena sighs, “Okay, ten more minutes and you’re off the ice.” She looks down at her watch, “I’m going to go, but I will tell Jack to make sure you’re off in ten minutes,” she warns.

“Okay,” she says.

The minute Serena is out of sight Michelle stands up, I look up at her, “What are you doing?” I whisper.

“She’s done, I’m going to skate,” she says bending down to pick up her skates; I place my hand on her wrist. “She still has ten minutes.”

Out of the corner of my eye I watch as Liz tries the jump again and falls. Michelle yanks her hand up, picking up her skates, “By the time we get down there she will be done,” she says leaving me sitting there.

Frustrated, I run a hand through my hair and turn back to look at Liz, I watch as she tries again but instead of getting up this time she buries her head in her hand and my hearts rips in two when her sobs reach my ears.

I race for the stairs to get to her, but the minute I round the corner I’m met with a pissed off Serena. I skid to a stop right in front of her and trip over my feet trying to avoid hitting her. I quickly right myself, “Hi.” I smile sheepishly.

She raises her eyebrow at me, “What’s my rule, Max.”

I knew I was going to get busted. I shove my hands into my pockets and mumble out, “No one but me is allowed to watch Liz practice.”

“What was that?” she asks knowing full well what I said.

I sigh and raise my eyes to meet hers, “No one is allowed to watch except for me...I’m sorry.” I state hoping to diffuse the situation some.

“Do I have to ban you from them as well?” she asks.

“No,” I say while thinking I’m doing a good job of doing that myself lately. “It wont happen again I promise.” I point towards the rink, “Liz is crying. Can I go check on her please?”

She looks panicked. “Did she hurt herself,” she asks as she heads back towards the rink.

I quickly grab her arm and shake my head, “No she tried to do that jump again.”

Serena’s eyes swell up with tears and it confuses the hell out of me, something is definitely going on.

“That girl is so hardheaded,” she laughs trying to play it off, she shakes her head and starts to leave but I stop her again.

“Is something going on with Liz?” I ask her.

She wipes her eyes, “You don’t know?”

My insides are screaming. “Know what,” I say as I feel my stomach twist up into one giant knot.

She shakes her head, “It’s not my place to say...talk to Liz, Max.” She says giving me a sorrowful look which leaves me feeling like I want to throw up.

I get down to the rink just as Liz flings her bag over her shoulder; I look out at the rink and see Michelle skating on the ice already. Liz turns and glares at me, which makes me want to crawl in a hole and hide. “You were watching me,” she accuses through clenched teeth.

The words are stuck in my throat and all I can do is gulp and nod.

“Why would you do that?” Her stare turns to hurt and my heart squeezes painfully.

“I’m sorry,” I say biting the inside of my lip to stop it from trembling. I don’t understand these feelings that she is provoking in me. It’s killing me to disappoint her.

She pulls her bag up higher as she shakes her head in disgust, “Some girlfriend you have there Max, she’s got you wound tight.”

She goes to stalk past me but I block her path grabbing her arm. “No she doesn’t,” I deny fiercely.

Her eyes are hard and full of hatred as she demands, “Let me go!”

I pull my hand away and quickly close my hand into a fist when I notice it shaking, she’s never in her life looked at me like that and it shakes me to the core. She starts to walk again. “Liz, wait please,” I beg as she halts her step and looks out across the rink.

“Is everything okay with you?” I ask her hesitantly.

“Everything is just fine...can I go now?” she says like she’s a tape recorder repeating herself for the hundredth time

“Are...are you sure, because Sere-“

She whips her head around, “Serena said what?”

I falter back a step at the panicked expression on her face, “Noth...nothing she said I should talk to you.”

Her whole body relaxes and her demeanor changes crossing her arms she barks out, “I’m fine.”

I study her as she looks at everything but me, I know she’s lying because she won’t look me in the eye. As I look her over I notice she looks paler than before and being this close to her I can confirm she did in fact lose weight and a lot of it. Her jacket swallows her up so much I think of gust of wind would send her flying.

“Liz look at me please,” I plead and when she looks up her eyes are no longer filled with hatred but a sadness that cries out to my soul.

And just like that it’s gone, replaced with her mask once again. “Would you stop staring at me?”

“I’m sorry,” I stutter out.

She sighs dejectedly, “What do you want Max?”

“I can tell something is wrong and I want to help,” I offer sincerely.

“What goes on in my life is not your concern anymore Max,” she states sarcastically.

“You’re my best friend Liz,” I try and tell her, even though I know I’ve been a crappy one. She is still my best friend in my eyes.

She blinks and stares at me making me squirm. I quickly shove my hands in my pockets and look down to the ground.

“Friends?” she snorts. “Are you kidding me? You haven’t talked to me in over a month and you think we are still friends?”

I snap my head up, “It works both ways you know? You haven’t bothered calling me either,” I bark out, immediately regretting the words. I know this is more my doing than hers, but she’s got me so confused I don’t know which way to turn.

She shakes her head and raises her hands, “You know what? I’m done!” she says and storms out of there leaving me with my heart ripping. I sink down on the bench placing my head in my hands.

I really don’t feel like skating anymore.

Thank you all so much for your feedback, I'm doing this real quick while I'm at work, I moved home last weekend and the internet is not hooked up yet.. This is the last part I had written, as soon as I get the internet working again at home I should have a new part soon for you.


Chapter 5


“Is this her?” I look up to see my son pulling out an old worn photograph from the back of the journal.

I take the photo and smile as I remember when it was taken. “Yes that’s her. It was taken before everything happened. We decided to sit out on the football field for lunch that day, as we were walking she jumped on my back and I started carrying her piggyback. Maria made us stop so she could take a picture.” I explain trying to bite back the emotions begging to break through.

I look down and see her deep brown eyes staring back at me smiling. I miss her smile so much it makes my heart constrict. She could walk into any room and just light it up with just her smile.

“She’s pretty,” Trey comments breaking me out of my thoughts.

“Yes she was, everyone saw it too, but she never let it go to her head. In fact she hated people telling her how pretty she was.”

He nods his head and picks up the journal and starts to read…

Its November 20th, Thanksgiving is right around the corner and I’m dreading every minute of it. We always have thanksgiving dinner with the Evans’ and I know there is no way I am going to be able to get out of it.

It’s been almost a month since Max and I spoke last. I have resorted to avoiding all my friends so I won’t put them in an uncomfortable position, feeling like they have to choose between Max and I. I don’t want to make the situation worse than it already is.

I’m just too tired to deal with it all, things at home are tense, and things at practice are tense. It seems I am avoiding everyone lately. My father is constantly fighting with me and I know he has a reason to, but it’s my body. I should be able to do what I want with it. It hurts me that he is having a hard time with this, and its worse because I know he can’t confide in his best friends because I asked him not to.

My only wish for him is that he somehow finds the courage and the strength in him to live his life to the fullest. And I wish with everything that I am that he finds someone to fill the void once I’m gone.

I see his brows crease and I can tell he’s thinking. Breaking his thoughts I ask him, “What are you thinking about?”

He places the journal down. “I was just wondering if grandpa and grandma were best friends with him, how come I never met him? I mean as much time as I had spent there I never saw him.”

I scratch behind my ear. “After Liz died, Jeff had a really hard time dealing with it. He picked up and moved out of state. They kept in touch but not nearly as much as they used too.”

“Tell me what happened the night you found out,” he asks with concern etched across his features.

“Okay...it was Thanksgiving, everyone was there including Michelle....

The silence at the dinner table is eerie, the only sounds are the clinking of the silverware against the plates. I glance at Mr. Parker and he looks like someone just ran over his dog. He keeps shooting sideward glances to Liz. I glance at her and she’s slowly pushing her food around on the plate not eating.

I glance to my left to see Michelle eating and oblivious to the silence around her. I guess she would be seeing how this is the first time I have brought her home for dinner.

I’m startled and jump when my father speaks, “Jeff are you sure everything is okay with you? Diane and I have noticed something is clearly wrong and you know we can help you with whatever it is.” My father expresses his concern, and if I’m honest mine too. I wonder what is going on with both Parkers.

Mr. Parker places his fork down and clears his throat, “I’m sorry Phillip and Diane I haven’t been very good company lately and that’s because-”

“Dad,” Liz warns and I look at her and my brows crease. She’s been doing that a lot lately at the dinners.

He turns and looks at her, “I’m sorry honey.”

Liz throws her fork down. “You promised dad!” she says getting upset.

He shakes his head softly and rubs a hand over his face. “You left me no choice Liz...I got a call from Dr. Spencer today…”

Liz grits her teeth, “Not here dad.”

“When would you like me to do it Liz? You come home and lock yourself in your room. I can’t get you to stand still for two minutes.” He says getting visibly agitated.

Inside my chest my heart starts pounding. I’ve had a feeling something was going on with Liz, but no one would tell me anything when I asked them. And I’m getting the feeling that I am about to find out something and it’s going to be big.

My hand starts shaking when she stands up. “Daddy please,” she begs with tears brimming her brown eyes.

She's on the verge of panic. I've only seen her get this way once before and that was when her mother died. The feeling of dread churns up in my stomach and I don’t feel so good.

“Have you even thought about how your friends might feel...how Max might feel... Did you even tell him?” he asks getting angrier.

Tell me what?! My head is spinning. I keep glancing back and forth between them. I can hear my heart pounding in my ears.

Liz’s eyes are blazing. “Friends...what friends dad?! When was the last time you heard the phone ring? When was the last time you saw one of my friends over?” she all but yells.

She points a finger in my direction and I find myself sinking in the chair. “In case you have noticed Dad, Max and I have barely spoken to each other in over a month. He’s too busy with his head shoved up his girlfriends ass!” she bites out angrily.

Michelle gasps and I quickly place my hand on her arm to stop her from speaking. My mind is still trying to figure out what the hell is going on. I don’t need a fistfight to break out between the two of them.

Liz sighs defeated. “I can’t do this anymore daddy. I’m dying and nothing I do or the doctor’s do is going to change that fact. I’ve accepted it and I’m just trying to make the most of time I have left. I don’t want to live what time I have left in regret or sorrow and I don’t want you to either. I want to see you smiling and laughing again, the sooner you accept it the easier things will be.”

Wait…did she just say she was dying?!

She runs out the back door leaving me sitting like I just got sucker punched in the stomach. My mother is sitting here crying. “Oh Jeff, I’m so sorry” she cries. I stand up abruptly. I have to go after her. I have to do something. I turn to Michelle, “I’ll take you home.”

I drive to her house in silence. I keep biting on my lip to stop it from trembling. I’m fighting with everything that I have not to cry right now.

I can’t wrap my brain around it.

My best friend is dying!

“You’re going after her aren’t you.” Michelle states as I pull up into her driveway.

“I have too,” I whisper out hoarsely.

“Has it occurred to you that maybe she doesn’t want you to? I mean she didn’t even tell you about it in the first place.”

I glare and cut her off before she can say anything else. “You don’t understand, I can’t leave things the way they are...I have to put her first and fix things.”

She looks shocked and it pisses me off more, “What about us?”

“I don’t know!” I snap. “I can’t think about us right now. I’m sorry if you don’t understand it, but it’s the way its got to be.”

“Max…”

“No. Look I’m sorry Michelle, did you not hear her tonight? She is dying! My best friend is dying and you’re getting pissed off because I want to go and talk to her. I’ve known her my entire life and this is something I have to fix!” I bark out.

She opens the door and jumps out. “Fine call me when you have time!”

I don’t say anything. Instead I drive off in the direction of the Parkers. I don’t have time to deal with her right now. I pull up to the alley of the café and park. I slowly walk to the ladder and notice my entire body is shaking as I try and pull myself up.

I notice her room is empty when I climb through the window. Her bathroom door is shut and I can hear the water running. I sit down on the edge of the bed because my legs just won’t hold me up anymore.

I bury my head in my hands and press the palms of my hands hard against my eyes. So many questions are running through my head. Why didn’t she tell me? How much time does she have? All the sleeping and classes missed make sense now. The way she’s lost weight and the way Serena told her to take it easy. She comes out of that bathroom dressed in a robe. She stops short when she sees me and clutches the top of the robe. “What are you doing here Max?” she sighs.

My voice cracks and the words are lodged in my throat. “Why...why didn’t you tell me Liz?”

She looks away. “Would you had even cared?” she whispers but I hear her anyway.

“How can you even ask me that?! Of course I would care.” God, someone please make it stop, my heart is ripping in two and I can’t take it. How can she think I wouldn’t care? I can’t stop the tears this time as they spill over my cheeks. “What did I do to make you doubt me? That you couldn’t come to me...please tell me what I did that was so wrong?” I beg.

She sighs and comes to sit down next to me, placing a hand on my trembling knee and looks at me. “Max it’s nothing that you did.” She looks out towards the window. “I don’t even know how to tell you this.”

“Just tell me please,” I say as I wipe my eyes.

“Its just all so complicated.”

“Liz!” I half yell, half cry.

“I love you!” she blurts out.

This is the second time within a couple of hours that I have been floored. She gets up and stands in front of me. I’m too freaking speechless to say anything. My best friend is in love with me.

“I’m in love with you and I don’t want to be. You’re my best friend and I’m not supposed to feel like this, but I do and I don’t know how to control it. You want to know why I never got to know Michelle? I don’t want to know her. I want it to be me that you kiss, and I want it to be me that you hold and say all those things too. It hurts too much to see you two together so that’s why I drifted.”

I place my hands on my head rubbing my temples. Everything is coming at me too fast. I don’t know which to process first the fact that my best friend is dying or the fact that she is in love with me.

“Max,” she whispers. “Say something please.”

I let out a ragged breath, “What do you want me to say...God Liz, you’re throwing all this stuff at me at once. I don’t know what to do…what to say…”

“Say that I matter Max, say that you love me too.” I can hear her words. I can see the tears and when I finally look up into her eyes the words get lodged in my throat. I try to tell her that I…what? Do I love her? Is that what I feel for her? Does the fact that she makes my heart skip a beat every time I’m near her, or that butterflies form in my stomach when she walks into a room, mean that I’m in love with her?

“I…you matter to me, Liz. Of course you matter,” I say because I don’t know what else to say right now. My head is spinning and I’m so confused. Her eyes cloud over with anguish and I can see the tears beginning to fall. I have to look away because it hurts too damn much. The silence is uncomfortable for a moment before she speaks.

“I have this list you know.” I look up at her and she’s playing with the edge of her robe, “of things I want to do before I die.”

“Liz,” I whisper out painfully closing my eyes.

“You want to know what my number one thing is?” she asks.

“What?” I choke out, I squeeze my eyes tighter begging my heart to stop its painful beat.

“I want to know what it feels like to make love to you.”

“What?!” My eyes pop open and I stare at her. My stomach does a massive flip-flop and what little dinner I did eat threatens to come back up.

She steps closer to me and the trembling in my body intensifies. “I don't want to die a virgin Max and I want my first time to be with you. Just once I want to know what it would feel like to have your fingers caress me, your lips kiss me.”

My breath is starting to wheeze. I feel like I’m hyperventilating. What air I do manage rushes out of me when she proceeds to take her robe off. She stands before me completely nude.

All I can do is stare at her perfect body. Her image is being burned into my brain and I’m too shocked to move a muscle. It’s not till she touches my shoulder that I jump and literally fall off the bed.

I scramble to get up picking her robe up in the process. I panic and throw it at her.

“I can’t do this!” I scream and run out of her room.


TBC…

Again thank you all so much for your feedback, here is the next part. and a big thank you to Tanya for getting this back to me quickly

Chapter 6

I stare at my son waiting for it, the laughing and the being made fun of. I get neither.

“What? No laughing?”

He shakes his head, “Why would I? A lot of guys would have jumped on that chance, but you didn’t and I respect that.”

I raise my eyebrow at him. “Does this mean I don’t have to worry about grandkids anytime soon?” I question with a glint of humor in my eyes.

He rolls his eyes. “No dad, you don’t okay? Put your mind at ease, I’m waiting.”

“That’s a good idea, waiting for that right person.”

It makes me feel proud to know I raised my son well, that he won’t give into the teenage peer pressure that they have now a days.

“I already have that right person; I’m just not ready to take that step yet.” This surprises me. I wasn’t even aware that he was seeing anyone.

“Who?” I ask, beyond curious.

”Later,” he mumbles out, changing the subject. “So what happened after that? I mean how did you feel knowing she was dying?” he asks in a low voice.

”It was killing me, and I didn’t want to believe it was happening.” It took me a long time, even after she was finally gone to accept it.

”Did you ever make up?” he asks with hope in his eyes.

I nod my head, “Yes, but after that day there was still some tension between us. It was actually your grandmother that made me realize I needed to fix things fast.”

He nods his head for me to continue so I recall the day to him...


I toss and turn winding up on my back again. I’ve been like this for days now. That’s how long I’ve been avoiding Liz too. The memory of her standing before me naked is etched in my brain, along with those eyes of hers. The way they looked so pleading is haunting me.

I’m avoiding her because I don’t know what to say. I do have feelings for her but I don’t know if it’s love. I’ve never been in love before so how would I know what it feels like?

I need to get her friendship back, if nothing else. I will never be able to live with myself if she dies and we’re on the outs. Just thinking about waking up one day and she’s not going to be there anymore is killing me.

I look towards my door, as my mother comes in. “Max, what are you doing still in bed? It’s the middle of the day get up.”

”No,” I groan burying my head under my pillow.

”Oh honey, I know this is a terrible thing that is happening, but lying in bed isn’t going to make it any less real.” I know she’s right but that doesn’t make it better.

”Mommm,” I really don’t need her reminding me.

”Have you even talked to her since you found out?” she asks, coming to sit beside me.

I look away towards my bookcase, which portrays my answer.

”Oh Max.”

I turn back to her frustrated, “I can’t okay, I acted like a jerk and I feel like an ass.”

”Honey…”

”No mom, you don’t understand okay. My best friend is in love with me and she’s dying. My best friend the girl I’ve known all my life told me she’s in love with me and I ran away like a coward not saying anything.” I really don’t need to tell my mother that she also took all her clothes off and offered her virginity to me.

She puts a hand over her mouth and I have to look away. I know she is going to start crying and if I look at her I will too.

“Do…do you feel the same way?” she asks. I sigh and turn on over onto my back, rubbing at my eyes. “I don’t know. I’m so confused.”

”Max,” she starts but I but her off.

”I just don’t know what to do mom.” I squeeze my eyes shut willing myself not to cry.

”Max, honey I think that no matter what you’re going through, you need to at least fix this rift between the two of you…before it’s to late.”

She gets up and kisses the top of my head. “If you don’t it’ll be something you are going to regret for the rest of your life. I know you’ll figure things out.” She gives me a reassuring nod before turning to leave. I lay there, thinking hard about what she said. She’s right as usual. I need to fix this.

Next Day

I stand nervously in the eraser room hoping she will come. She avoided me in the halls and refused to look my way in class. My last resort was shoving a note in her locker, begging her to meet me.

I shove my hands deeper in my pockets, trying to calm my shaking nerves. My hearts starts pounding when the door opens and she steps in.

She closes the door and avoids looking at me making. My heart pummels into my stomach. I know I hurt her and I can only pray that she’ll forgive me when she hears what I have to say.

She stands there silently and I open my mouth choking on my words, “I…I wasn’t sure you would come.”

“I wasn’t going too,” she says softly.

I nod my head. “Thank you,” I say softly.

She nods her head and draws her bottom lip in between her teeth looking like a lost child and I know I have to make this quick before she darts out of here and I lose my chance forever.

I move forward a little. “Liz, I need to apologize for that night.”

She shakes her head sadly, “No, you don’t.”

”Yes. Yes, I do.”

“Max,” she sighs brokenheartedly and walks over to an unused desk that was thrown in here.

“I understand okay, you don’t feel the same way and all I did was a make a fool of myself.’

This confirms what I was thinking up until this point. Sure she’s probably upset with me, but she’s more hurt and embarrassed.

”Liz, please just listen to what I have to say,” I beg her.

She nods her head but keeps her gaze towards the floor. I walk slowly towards her. “I want to be honest with you…you really threw me on a emotional roller coaster.”

She looks up at me, but doesn’t say anything and I forge ahead.

“The truth is, I have all these feelings going on inside of me and I don’t know what they are. I mean lately I do look at you and my stomach does flip-flops, my heart soars when you are near and it constricts when your not.

I don’t know if what I’m feeling is love because I have never been in love, but I do know that I care for you more than a friend should. The thought that you’re not going to be here one day is killing me inside and I don’t want to accept it.” I try to explain as quickly as possible. I have to get everything I’m feeling off my chest.

I can see her eyes shimmering with tears and mine are also threatening to fall. I reach over with a shaky hand and take hers in mine.

“When I ran that night it wasn’t because I was disgusted or something. You offered me something that is so special and I know people would probably think I’m crazy or something, but the truth is…I’m not ready for that.” As much as it might hurt her, she has to know the truth.

I look at her and she raises her eyes to meet mine, nodding her head in understanding as a tear rolls down her cheek. I lift my trembling hand and cup her cheek using the pad of thumb to wipe it away.

”I want to be there for you. I don’t want to waste anymore time fighting and avoiding each other. Please say you’ll let me be there. Liz…please say you need me,’ I murmur.

”I need you,” she whispers out as her bottom lip trembles ferociously. My lips tremble just as much as I reach out and grab her, pulling her to me. Instinctively, she wraps her arms around me burying her head in the crook of my neck, as she cries.

Leaning my head down, I close my eyes trying hard to muffle my sobs as I croak out, “I won’t leave you.”


TBC…

Thank you for your feedback, I'm sorry I'm making you all cry (actually I'm not got you right where I want you lol JJ)

I want to say thank you to Tanya for inputing some things for this chapter. Luv ya babe... Only Two More Chapters Left

Song used is 'Fly' by Hillary Duff

Chapter 7

I come back from relieving myself to find my son on his cell phone again. His back is to me and obviously he hasn’t realized that I’ve returned.

I take the time to slowly sit down and quietly try to eavesdrop. I am a parent after all, what happens in his life does concern me.

“I’m actually having a good time,” I hear him say, “been bonding.” A smile forms on my lips making me feel elated.

“Listen we need to talk when I get back.” I hear him tell the other person and I lean forward a little to try and hear better.

“No, when I get back. We need to be face to face.”

My interest is piqued big time; I wonder if it’s this mysterious girl he has feelings for. I have a hunch I know who it is and I couldn’t be happier.

Krista is a bright, intelligent and beautiful girl. Hard to believe she comes from Michael and Maria, I would be pleased if they got together.

“It’s nothing bad…I promise,” he looks over his shoulder and finally spots me; he blushes some and quickly turns back around. “I gotta go, I’ll call you as soon as we get home.”

He hangs up and turns to face me and I raise my eyebrow in question. “Krista?” I ask.

He nods his head and puts his phone away.

I have to know it’s eating me alive inside with curiosity. “Is she the girl?”

“Dad,” he half whines and then blushes. I don’t think I’ve ever seen my son blush.

“What?” I smile, now I know it’s her. “I think its great,” I say giving him my approval.

“Really,” he asks wide-eyed.

I clear my throat; the conversation has just turned serious. “How serious is it,” I ask him cautiously.

He shrugs his shoulder. “It’s not, I mean she wants more and I wasn’t ready.”

“And now?” I ask studying him.

“I don’t know.” He picks up the journal letting me know he doesn’t want to talk about it anymore. It’s kind of an eerie feeling because looking at him right now I see myself when I was his age. The confusion is written all over his face, and I hope that by the time we leave here he will know what has to be done.

He flips through the book to the next entry, flipping the page real quick he flips back and forth a couple of times, a frown forming on his face he says, “It’s the last entry.” He wears a lost expression.

I nod my head sadly. “I know,” I whisper.

He swallows hard, “Does that mean—“ He doesn’t finish, instead leaves the sentence hanging.

A lump forms in my throat as I nod my head confirming his suspicions.

His eyes glisten and mine do too; it hurts to see him being so affected by all this. I didn’t want him to get upset; I just wanted him to know a piece of my past. His lip trembles and he starts firing questions at me.

“When…did she make it to nationals? Did she win? Where you there…what happened…how did it happen?”

I put my hand up, “Shh…hold up, one at a time okay?”

His shoulders slump. “It’s so wrong.” I stare at him for a minute, and while I share his same sentiment, a part of me knows that if life hadn’t happened the way it did, he wouldn’t be here right now. I guess everything happens for a reason and sometimes it’s not up to us to figure it out.

“I know but let’s get through the last entry.”

He nods his head and hands me the book, “You read it.”

I reach out and take it from him, closing my eyes for a minute I open them and proceed to read her last journal entry.

December 12th

It’s two days before nationals. The excitement inside me is building. This is the moment I’ve waited my entire life for. I’m ready to show the world what I’m made of and the best part is that I will have my best friend standing beside me when I do it.

I thought that once Max found out how I felt about him it would push him away more, but it hasn’t. It’s done quite the opposite; he broke up with Michelle and he has been spending every possible moment with me.

Inside I’m singing but a small part of me can’t help but wonder if he’s doing it out of feeling sorry for me or because he can’t bear to hurt me. While the revelation that he is confused about his feelings gives me some hope that he may want to explore what could become of us, the other half feels like taking him, shaking him and yelling at him that he’d better act fast.

My time is running short and while it hurts to know that I will never know what it feels like to make love to him, I do want to know what it feels like to have that first kiss, that first boyfriend and all the joys and excitement that comes with it. I never ask for much but I am asking this, if there is a God out there please let me live long enough to experience my first real kiss by the boy who has stolen my heart and soul.

It might be selfish of me to ask and I know I should ask to look after my father or something like that, but I know in my heart my father will be okay. He will go on and live his life the best he can and that gives me comfort enough.

So in two days nationals here I come, and look out because Liz Parker is about to show you what it means to reach your dreams.

I close the book slowly running my hands over the cover of the journal; I close my eyes as tear escapes and runs down the side of my cheek. I open my eyes slowly and look up to see my son with a heartbroken expression. “Did you at least kiss her,” he asks softly.

That one question throws me back in time as I recall the day that changed my life forever.

******

The place is packed, people fill the seats as reporters and competitors fill the floor surrounding the rink.

My heart is actually thumping with excitement. She achieved her dream and I have to admit it was mine too. I mean I was there when she got her first pair of skates, when she first stepped out onto the ice. I’ve been there with her every step of the way and it makes me burst inside that she achieved her goal.

I look over at my sister and parents and they are wearing big grins. I know they are just as proud, especially my mother who took it upon herself to be a mother to Liz after Nancy died.

I look up when I feel a tap on my shoulder. “Max Evans?”

I nod my head wondering what is going on. “Follow me sir,” he says.

I look at my mother and she shrugs her shoulders. Nervously I follow him hoping that everything is okay. I smile when I realize where he’s taking me and butterflies form in my stomach when I see her standing there. My step falters some when I’m struck by how beautiful she looks.

Her brown eyes light up and a smile breaks out across her face when she sees me, she runs and my arms open engulfing her as she throws her arms around my neck. I close my eyes and just breathe her in, memorizing this moment to keep with me forever.

She pulls back. “Oh my God, I can’t believe it! I did it Max, I’m actually here…I am here right and this isn’t a dream.” She smiles even brighter, if possible.

I laugh and cup her cheeks gently. “You’re really here. I am so proud of you Liz, you are going to win this.”

She smiles and smacks my shoulder playfully. “Don’t jinx me. Now I’m definitely going to lose.” She pouts and my heart beats just a little faster.

I shake my head, “No you’re not.”

She nods her head then takes on a serious tone, “Thank you Max.”

My brows crease, “For what?” I ask her.

She takes my hand in hers entwining our fingers together, “For being there…for always being there when I needed you.”

“Liz-“

“I know we had a rocky road for a couple of months there, but it doesn’t matter because you’re here now and that’s all that matters.”

“I’ll always be here Liz,” I tell her and I mean it. I don’t plan on letting anything or anyone come between us anymore.

“Liz Parker, you’re up next,” the spokesperson interrupts us.

I give her hand a squeeze and lean in kissing her forehead. “I better get back…Good luck,” I tell her.

She starts to get ready as I walk back I stop and look back at her, she looks up and smiles and for some reason I get that eerie feeling that something big is about to happen.

I bounce my knee nervously in my seat as it darkens and I know she is getting into position to skate.

I actually start biting my nails as the music starts and the spotlight comes down on her.

In a moment, everything can change
Feel the wind on your shoulder
For a minute, all the world can wait
Let go of your yesterday


She does a turn and a jump and I’m just memorized by her smoothness and beauty.

Can you hear it calling?
Can you feel it in your soul?
Can you trust this longing
And take control?


My mother is screaming and cheering her on. I glance at my sister and I’m surprised to see her doing the same thing. I mean they always got along but they are not as close as she and I are. She’s leading to her big climax and I hold my breath crossing my fingers.


Fly
Open up the part of you that wants to hide away
You can shine
Forget about the reasons why you can’t in life
And start to try
Cause it’s your time
Time to fly

She starts skating faster and up in the air she goes landing the double, triple, double jump. I jump from my seat clapping loudly and crying. I’m actually crying I’m so happy. I always knew deep down that she would be able to do it even when she had so much trouble before.

And when you’re down and feel alone
Just wanna run away
Trust yourself and don’t give up
You know you better than anyone else

In a moment, everything can change
Feel the wind on your shoulder
For a minute, all the world can wait
Let go of yesterday

Out of nowhere it hits me; I want to be with her. I want to know what love is. I mean how I am ever going to know what it is unless I throw myself out there and experience it? I know I want to experience it with her.

Fly
Open up the part of you that wants to hide away
You can shine
Forget about the reasons why you can’t in life
And start to try

I start dancing around in my seat wanting her routine to hurry up and get over with so I can tell her. I want to tell her that I’m ready, that I want to be more than friends and experience whatever it is that we can have together.


Fly
Forget about the reasons why you can’t in life
And start to try
Cause it’s your time
Time to fly


Her routine finishes and I groan as I realize I still have to wait for them to announce the winners and give out the awards. I keep chanting ‘hurry up’ over and over in my head. I stand up clapping and whistling when they announce her name as the winner, she takes her place and she smiles her eyes searching and locking with mine.


She’s crying and I’m crying for her. My smile freezes when her face goes blank…in the next instant I find myself jumping the barrier and skidding across the ice.


In a moment, everything can change

Thank you Behrluv32, dreamsatnight and Lynda for the feedback.. Here's the next part.

I have to show off this beautiful banner art Tanya did for the story




Chapter 8

My son is openly crying right now and it tears me up inside.

I haven’t seen him cry since he was eight and he fell off his bike. I remember it clearly because he wouldn’t talk to me for a week. I had promised him I wouldn’t let go of the bike and I did.

For a few minutes he was flying on his own, and then he lost his balance and skinned his knee. I will never forget the wounded look he gave me, after that it took me two months to get him back on that bike.

The first tear quickly escapes and I swipe it away. “We can quit if you want too.”

He shakes his head and quickly wipes his eyes on his sleeves. “No I want to know, I have to know what happened. Did she die right there? How can God be so cruel to take someone like that?”

I’ve asked myself that same question a hundred times after her death, it’s still something I don’t understand but it’s something that I have to accept and go on living with.

“I don’t know son,” I say somberly shaking my head, “I just don’t know.”

He seems to accept it the same way I did, nodding his head. “What happened after that?”

I’m quiet for a minute before I throw us back to the day that would give me nightmares for years to come.

*****


My hands are shaking as I grip the steering wheel. They wouldn’t let me ride with her in the ambulance only her father was allowed so I’m flying down the road to get there as quickly as possible.

In my mind I am registering that Isabel is pleading with me to slow down, but I won’t.
My only thought right now is to get to the hospital. It keeps playing over and over in my head; the way her smile just disappeared and she slumped to the ground like a lifeless doll.

I will never forget the way they wheeled her out of there with the paramedics doing CPR the whole way into the ambulance, and the words, “Got a heartbeat…We need to get their fast,” will be something that I remember for the rest of my life

Skidding into the parking lot, I jump out running full speed ahead, bursting through the doors I see my parents already there talking to Jeff. I skid in front of them. “Where is she,” I demand breathlessly.

“The doctors are with her right now,” my mom tells me.

“What’s going on, what did they say? I want to see her…why aren’t you demanding answers?” I yell panicking.

My father places his hand on my shoulder, “Max calm down son, I’m sure as soon as they know something they will come tell us.”

“That’s not good enough, I want to know now!”

“Max please you’re not helping the situation,” my mother pleads gently.

“Why is this happening, was it because she skated? The doctors told it was okay right?” I ask and I know I need to calm down but right now if I don’t keep myself busy I’ll go insane.

Everyone looks away from me and I ask again, “Right?”

My mother takes my hand, “The doctor’s said they didn’t think it was a good idea for her do it, that it might be too much for her.”

“How!” I scream out, “Why would skating be too much? Why didn’t they tell her that? I know if she knew she would have never risked it.” I rationalize but then Jeff places a hand on my shoulder and I feel my stomach sink.

“She knew Max,” Jeff tells me sadly, “she knew.”

“Then why didn’t you stop her,” I demand, “why did you let her skate?”

“Because Max it was my daughter’s dream and until you’re a parent you’ll never understand the choices we have to make when our children are concerned.”

“And you just let her do it…no regrets! You knew and you still let her do it…You’re her father you should have stopped her!” I bite out angrily.

“Max,” my mothers exclaims

I know in my head that I’m saying things that I don’t mean, but my head and my heart are hurting to much to care right now. I’m about to open my mouth and apologize but his words stop me cold.

“No I don’t,” he says. I stare at him as my lips start to tremble. “You want to know why? Because for two minutes out there my baby girl flew! My daughter was one of the lucky ones who actually got to touch their dream; I can’t describe how that feels inside.“

”I don’t regret it because my daughter asked me not too, she asked me to believe in whatever God decided to do, if it’s her time then to let her go. I can live with that, I know she won’t be alone if it is, her mother will be there waiting with open arms for her.”

”I know your hurting son, we all are but getting angry and laying blame is not going to change anything” he walks past me and sits down in one of the chair burying his head in his hands.”

My father walks up and puts a hand on my shoulder, “Son maybe you should go home and we will call you when we find out something.”

“I’m not leaving,” I state. The army could come and they won’t get me to budge from this spot.

“Max,” my mother starts.

“I’m not leaving,” I say a little harsher. To prove my point I walk over and plant my butt in one of the chairs.

I watch out of the corner of my eye and my father gives my mother a comforting hug. Isabel looks up at me from across the aisle.

“I’m not leaving,” I state with a finality not to be challenge.

She gives me a sorrowful nod and goes back to staring at the floor.

We sit there in silence for a good ten minutes before the doctor comes in letting us know that they have her stabilized for the moment.

He states that we may want to say our goodbyes now just in case and I start shaking my head denying it, “She’s going to be fine,” I say through gritted teeth. The doctor just gives me a sad smile and tells me she is asking to see me.

I glance at Jeff and he nods his head that it’s okay. I follow the doctor out of the waiting room and it seems like an eternity before he’s stopping in front of her door, “Not to long please,” he says and leaves me alone.

I stare at the door trying hard to get myself under control, I look down at my hands and they are shaking, balling them up in a fist I tell myself to calm down.

Stepping slowly into the room, the lights are dimmed except for the light over her bed. She looks so fragile and pale it breaks me heart.

She looks up at me, as I stand frozen by the door, I can’t move. I’m terrified of moving from this spot because if I do, I am going to break down right here and I don’t want her to see me like this.

“Hi,” she whispers.

I swallow hard feeling my eyes mist up. “Hi,” I croak out.

“Are you going to come sit,” she asks looking at the chair next to her.

I shake my head but at the same time my feet move me to the chair. I sit down slowly looking at everything but her. My heart can’t take it; I can’t take seeing her lying there.

I look down and stare at the floor as the tears fill my eyes and threaten to fall, she calls my name softly and as I look up into her eyes the tears escape from the corner of my eye.

She holds her hand out weakly and I place my trembling one in hers, “Did you see me out there tonight, I was amazing,” she says trying to lighten the mood.

I nod my head, “I…I knew you would be.”

“I nailed that jump Max. I never thought in a million years that I would make it and I did it, it was the most amazing feeling ever.”

“I bet…so when are you going to be able to come home?” I ask her, I’m already forming in my head where I want to take her on our first date.

“I don’t know,” she tells me but we both know the answer and I deny it with everything that I am.

“I need to tell you something,” I whisper scooting closer to the bed.

“Okay.”

I start drawing imaginary circles on the back of her hand. “I…watching you skate tonight, I realized something.” I look up and she nods her head for me to continue.

“I realized that in order to grow and learn you need to take chances even if they don’t always turn out the way they are supposed too. I’ve wasted all this time missing out on something that could be great and I don’t want to wait anymore. I want to be with you Liz, I want to grow and experience everything together with you…I want you, Liz. Please tell me it’s not too late, that I’m not too late.”

I look at her and her eyes are overflowing with tears, reaching up I cup her cheek and wipe away the tears. “Thank you for saying that,” she sniffles out.

“I mean it,” I tell her. I stare into her eyes and start leaning in towards her. “I want you to be my girlfriend and…and I want to kiss you…can I kiss you?” I whisper as I get closer to her lips.

Her eyes dart to my lips then back up into my eyes, she nods her head and I close the gap. Her lips are warm and soft and I can taste the mixture of our tears mingling together. She opens her mouth slightly and I gently massage her tongue with mine.

I can’t believe I waited so long to do this. Slipping my hand behind her head I deepen the kiss while my other hand fists in her sheets never wanting this end. Her fist entangles in my shirt and I find myself getting up and laying down beside her on the bed.

The need for air presents itself and I break away resting my head in the crook of her neck letting my tears slide down her neck and burying themselves in her collar bone.

She tries to soothe me by running her fingers through my hair, but it only causes me to hold her tighter.

“Max,” she calls my name in a shaky breath and I look up at her.

“There’s something I want you to have.”

I shake my head because she’s trying to get to me to say goodbye and I won’t, I refuse to let her go.

She cups my cheek. “Max,” she says softly.

“I won’t,” I cry.

“You won’t what,” she asks.

I open my eyes and look at her. “I won’t say goodbye,” I tell her.

She smiles softly. “I don’t want you too, but I do want you to go to my room and get my journal and keep it.”

My brows crease and I wipe my eyes sitting up. “Why?” Why does she want me to have her journal, aren’t those things like scared when it comes to girls?

She picks up my hand and kisses my fingertips. “Because I want you to see you the way I did. I want you to know all the things I couldn’t tell you, that I was afraid to tell you. Promise me you will go get it and read it.”

I nod my head, “I promise”.

“Thank you,” she says lying back down. “Could you get my father please, I’m ready to go to sleep now.” Her voice is just above a whisper now, she must be really tired.

I lean over kissing her one more time and smooth her hair back. “Okay…I’ll see you later.”

She gives me a small smile and I walk towards the door looking back at her one more time before I leave. I grip the door handle because I don’t want to leave, I have an awful feeling and I don’t want to walk out the door.

She bites her bottom lip for a moment then whispers out the words, “I love you.”

The tears swell up again as I look at her. “I love you,” I tell her as my bottom lip starts to tremble again. Squeezing my eyes shut I open the door and walk out to let her father know she wants him.

I tell my parents I’ll see them later and I leave to head to her house. Once there I grab her journal and climb back out her window, with shaky knees I sit down on her lawn chair. I slowly open the book and begin to read.

Each page I read breaks my heart more and more, how could I not see what was in front of me sooner? So much time wasted because I was such a coward. I close my eyes, gripping the book tightly. I never in my life thought someone would see me that way. That someone could love me that much.

Wiping my eyes on my sleeve I get up prepared to go home. She’ll be home soon and I won’t waste one more second of letting her know just how much she means to me.

Pulling up to my house I notice the light in the living room is still on, I thought my parents would have been in bed by now. It’s been a long tiring day and I’m looking forward to a hot shower myself.

Walking in I notice it’s quiet except for the muffled whimpers of someone coming from the living room. My heart starts pounding in my chest as I slowly creep towards there. This horrible feeling forms in the pit of my stomach and I swallow hard to keep the bile down.

I find my father comforting my mother and I lick my lips nervously, my throat dips low in my stomach. “Mom?” I question on the verge of panic.

She jumps some and turns to look at me; my lip starts to tremble violently as the answer to my question is written all over her face. I start shaking my head denying it fiercely. No, I won’t believe it!

“I’m…I’m so sorry honey, Jeff just called she died thirty minutes ago,” she cries out.

“No...no I don’t believe you,” I choke out.

“Max.” My father stands up taking a step towards me as I take one back still shaking my head. This can’t be happening.

“No…I just …I just talked to her!” I get angry, why are they playing this cruel joke on me, can’t they see that my they are ripping my heart out? My breath is coming out harsher now as my entire body starts to tremble.

“I just talked to her…and…and we made plans, I was ready…” the tears are swelling up but I refuse to let them fall.

Isabel steps into the living room her eyes red and stained with tears. “I’m so sorry Max,” she whispers out remorsefully. She goes to take a step towards me but I’m already running out the door ignoring their pleas to come back.

I’m flying down the highway. I have to get out of here; the look on my mother’s face is haunting me, driving me insane. This whole thing is insane.

The tears are falling so fast they’re starting to blind me, but I keep going, keep pushing the pedal down faster and harder. I need to get away from the lies. The radio blares louder taunting me.

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while

A memory of her jumping up and down smiling when I first got this jeep hits me, she’s throwing her arms around me because she’s so excited that I got a car, she’s begging me to take her for a ride; I let out a broken sob as I remember.

Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok
But that’s not what gets me

I keep sniffling because my nose won’t stop running, between that and the tears, my face is wet and I’m blinking like crazy to try and see. I keep wiping my eyes on my sleeve but it’s not doing any justice.

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin’ to do

Another memory of her trying to teach me how to skate assaults me. I bite me lip harder trying to gain control letting out a muffled whimper. I can see clearly how beautiful she looked while laughing and smiling at me falling down.

It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I’m doin’ It
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone
Still Harder

Memory after memory assault me; her hair…her eyes…her smile. Out of nowhere a blinding light hits me and I realize I’ve drifted off into the other lane. Swerving hard to the right I slam on my brakes and skid out into the desert sand. I bang my hands down on the steering wheel.

Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken


I grip it hard pushing and pulling myself back and forth. “Why!” I scream out letting go and hitting the steering wheel again, it’s not enough I start pounding on the top of the roof, the dashboard anything that’s in my reach.

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing

I’m crying so hard I can’t breathe. I fight with the handle and stumble out falling to my knees I heave until my stomach empties and I lean back on my knees. “Send her back,” I beg.

What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

I’m only met with the disturbing song still playing on the radio and darkness of the night.

“You can’t have her!” I scream out to the night sky as I fall forward onto my hands and knees “You can’t…I’m not ready to let her go, so just go find someone else to take because you can’t have her!” The tears are falling faster now and I can’t seem to stop them.

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away

I stagger up picking up a rock and throwing it. “Send her back…you hear me you send her back to me right now!” I close my eyes as my shoulders shake violently, “AAArgghhh!” I let out a wounded roar as I slam my fist down on the hood of the jeep.

And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

Slipping to my knees defeated I bury my head in my arms crying loudly, praying that someone will wake me from this nightmare.


What hurts the most
Is being so close


song used 'What Hurts The Most' by Rascal Flatts

look at what I have and good news to go along with it, there will be one more chapter after this. This one turned out to be too long that I had to break it apart, this one may seem short but I really couldnt leave it anywhere else.

Even better news I'm almost finished with the chapter too, only a couple of more parts to finish writing and then will be off to the beta.

Thank you all for your feedback.. you dont know how close I came to not writing this at all, I was going to scrap the whole thing until I talked to Tanya and told her my idea and she convinced me to write it. Alot of people wont give a fic the time of day if it doesn't end with Max and Liz being together and everything rosey, so the fact that you took the time to read this and leave feedback means more to me than you will ever know.

c_which
Morning Dreamgirl
dreamsatnight
Lynda
dreamer19
ISLANDGIRL5
Alien614
guelbebek
DreamerMaxBehrian
hunnibehr505
LairaBehr4

and to any lurkers out there, thank you again

Ch 9

I sit down next to my son and wrap my around him, he doesn’t pull away, instead lets me comfort him.

”God…dad why did you tell me about her,” he asks trying to get himself under control.

I squeeze his shoulder. “You asked me if I ever had my heart broken, it may not have been in the sense that I was dumped or something like that, but my heart was broken and it stayed that way for a long time.” I explain fighting back my own tears.

He looks up at me understandingly and I look him in the eye, “I never got the chance to explore what could have been because I was too afraid to admit what I was feeling, and by the time I did it was too late. I guess the thing I wanted you to learn the most out of all of it was that, life is too short and you shouldn’t take things for granted.”

”Take life and embrace it because you never know when it will be taken from you. Don’t miss out on something in your life that could be wonderful.”

He cuts me off, “What if it’s something opposite?”

I nod my head in empathy. “It could happen, but living with the regret is so much worse. I lived that way for so long. I was so angry and hurt because I missed my chance with Liz, but I want you to know that I don’t regret the things that happened in my life. If things wouldn’t have happened I would have never met your mother and you wouldn’t be here.” I try and explain that regardless of my regrets of the past, that anything that has happened to me thus far I wouldn’t take back, especially having him in my life.

”I want you to know that I love you and I love your mother very much. Your mother is an amazing woman who is patient and understanding.”

He sniffles and looks at me. “She was okay with knowing you loved someone else,” he questions.

I lean forward and rest my arms on my legs interlocking my fingers I stare ahead. “Your mother accepted that Liz would always hold a special place in my heart and soul. She didn’t know all the details but, she knew that Liz was someone who impacted my life in a major way and she respected it. Her only regret was that she never got the chance to meet her.”

He nods his head in understanding and I continue on, “After Liz died it devastated a lot of people, she touched every person she came in contact with and when the news hit that she passed the whole town was in mourning.” I think in some ways, I still mourn her…not always…just sometimes.

”I didn’t go home for two days after her death. I was back and forth in the desert begging God to bring her back and being angry at Him for taking her away. After her funeral I locked myself in my room for a month and a half refusing to talk to anyone. Every scenario of what could have been played over and over in my head and I was so close to joining her because I couldn’t take the pain inside my heart.” I take a breath and wipe my eyes because things are starting to blur, I look at him and watch as he bit at his trembling lip.

“What…what made you finally come out,” he chokes out.

I reach forward and pick up Liz’s picture and stare at it, I smile at her brown eyes staring back at me, “It was Maria.”

He whips his head around and looks at me surprised but doesn’t say anything. I smile at him as I recall the day I started to slowly learn to live again.

****************

”Max, open this door right now!” I hear Maria scream as she pounds on my door.

I roll over on my side lying on top of the hundreds of photos I have scattered everywhere burying my head underneath my pillow.

Why can’t everyone just leave me alone? They don’t understand how hard it is to get up everyday. Every night I’m praying that I won’t wake up, that someone will take me to where Liz is.

”Max, I know you hear me!” She bangs harder on the door.

”Please Maria, just go away!” I shout at her and push the pillow harder into my head trying to drown out the sounds.

”No…you have ten seconds to open this door or Michael is going to break it down,” she shouts.

No he won’t, my father would kill him for having to replace the door.

”Your parent’s said it was okay, so you have been warned.”

I roll over looking freakily at the door, how did she know what I was thinking? I hear someone ram the door and I literally jump when the wood splinters and the door flies off it hinges.

Maria storms inside my room coming to stand in front of me, her arms crossed over her chest.

“What do you think you are doing?”

I curl back up in to my previous position facing away from her. “Maria just please leave me alone,” I grumble out.

Her voice goes softer and I can tell she’s concerned from her tone, “Max you’re scaring everyone.”

”I don’t care.” I know I’m worrying everyone; they think I don’t know but I know. I can hear my mother crying and my sister begging me to talk to her. I just don’t have the willpower to do anything about it. I can hear Maria crying and even though I’m tempted to put my arm around her and comfort her I don’t.

“God, what are you doing, you know Liz would not want this,” she starts collecting the pictures on my bed.

Leaping up I yank them from her, “Leave them alone!” I bark out. I stare down at the pictures and feel my eyes water, “just go,” I whisper sinking back down on the bed.

She sits down next to me and I look away, I don’t want her to see me crying. I don’t want anyone to see me crying.

She places a hand on my knee and I jerk away because I don’t want her to feel how much I’m shaking, “Max…you can’t keep doing this,” she pleads.

”You don’t understand!” I snap and turn away from her facing the wall, placing a hand on the wall and hang my head down. Biting hard on my lip I’m fighting with everything that I am to get under control.

”We’re all hurting Max, we lost her too,” she cries.

I fling myself around. “You don’t get it…I wasted all that time being afraid of what I was feeling. I was too stupid and too much of a coward to do something about it.” My voice cracks “Now she’ll never know…she’ll never know that I did love her, we’ll never get the chance to know what could have been.”

Her face is stained with tears as she brings her hand up to her mouth, “Max.”

I point my finger at her, “Don’t…don’t pity me. It was my own fault and…and I just want everyone to leave me the hell alone!”

She removes her hand and stands up staring at me. “Then why do you pity yourself?”

All I can do is stand there blinking at her, I hate that she had to point that fact out.

”What was the one thing Liz told us all the time,” she asks taking a step towards me.

I sidestep her and sit down on my bed. “What does that have to with anything?”

”Say it!” she demands.

I sigh, maybe if I answer she will leave me the hell alone, “Never be afraid to go for your dreams, if you believe hard enough you can achieve anything.”

She smiles softly and nods her head, “And what is your dream?”

I pick up one of the pictures and stare at it. I don’t think my heart can break anymore but it does. “Things change Maria,” I whisper out painfully.

She sits down next to me. “What is your dream Max?”

I don’t stop the tears this time as they roll down my cheeks, “To be an architect.”

Maria reaches over and taps the photo. “Do you think Liz would want you to do this…I don’t think so. I think she would want you to live and touch your dream like she touched hers.”

She wraps her arm around my shoulder and I don’t pull away this time, giving me a hug, “You’re not alone Max, we’re all right here and we all are going to get through this…I love you.”

I don’t say anything. I just continue to stare at Liz’s picture thinking. Maria stands up and kisses the top of my head. Heading towards the door she stops and looks back at me.

“Start living Max because Liz would want you too.”