Roswell Fanatics

Title: A time of miracles?

Author: Rie482

Rating: I dunno. Teen?

Summary: This is Liz POV about how she feels after Max is called to Antar. Can’t explain more. You just need to read. Serious angst so be warned and it’s just a one parter. This takes place about 3 or 4 years after Departure.


I have been told that Easter is supposed to be a time of miracles. In a way it’s supposed to be just like Christmas, and the celebration of his birth, where Christians celebrate Jesus’ resurrection. It’s a time when a man so dearly loved and adored came back to this earth to guide his disciples and the ones he loved. He came back. In sort of the same way Max brought back those children in Phoenix. He brought them back – from the brink of death. Many see it as a miracle, so therefore I’ve heard some people call Easter a time of miracles.

If that is true… why did he have to leave at Easter? Why did he leave with just a lingering kiss? I remember that lingering kiss well. I can still smell the chocolate on his breath and the taste of it on his lips. If I think about it hard enough I can feel the last kiss we shared as if it was still carrying on – as if that moment didn’t really end. A smile forms across my lips as I melt into that kiss, melt into his body and feel my hands pressed against his shirt, able to feel each and every defined muscle that ripples under it – under my touch. I smell his warm unique smell and hear his short breaths as his mouth lingers the kiss an extra minute. This minute is one perfect moment as I take in the feel of the soft lips caressing mine.

I live in that moment. I hide in that moment. I survive in it. I am Liz Parker when I live in that moment and it helps me to hold on to a part of myself I let go a long long time ago. It’s been three years since that Easter, the Easter when Max was taken away from me by a stupid little alien, his stupid little ship and that stupid planet of his that called him back. They needed him.

He was stupid.

He is stupid.

I hate him.

I love him.

I know he wasn’t the only one to have left someone behind. I know that. I feel it every time I look into Maria’s eyes and see the pain that rests there. She hurts as much as I when we step back into the Crashdown, half hoping that they will be sat in their favourite booth, Max looking out for me intently as Michael grumbles at Isabel about how sickening it is. But it’s one of these lessons in life that we just don’t learn or take in. We know they aren’t going to be sat there. We know they aren’t even on planet earth.

We know that they probably aren’t coming back.

They aren’t coming back.

So now it’s that time of year again where I walk around in a daze wishing that my life was different. I wish it was less lonely and full of longing for a man who probably won’t be coming back to me. It’s a day I wish he didn’t save me.

I don’t mean that.

I know I don’t.

I wouldn’t change anything.

I just miss him.

My roommate Serena has tried so many times to get me out of this funk. She’s tried making me date, girly nights in, girlie nights out, dinner, cinema, dancing, swimming and cried all in the desperate bid to get me to accept it and move on. But it hasn’t worked. She knows that Max was special. She knows how special he was. How special he is. She knows that I can’t heal until I know what has happened to him or until he comes back to me.

But that isn’t going to happen.

I wish it would.

So Easter is supposed to be a time of miracles. A time of miracles for everyone other than me. I’m Liz Parker and I’ve run out of miracles. I’ve had far far too many. My first was Max saving me. My second was us falling in love. My third was when I prayed for Max to be okay, to survive the white room. See. I’ve had three already. I used them all. So now there is no hope in Max coming back to me. There is no hope that I’ll be able to taste his lips once again.

There is no hope without Max Evans, the loveable alien, in my life.

I hate him.

I miss him.

I need him.

I love him.

How can I feel all this when my heart feels so numb? How is it possible if it’s dead for my heart to feel? Perhaps it retains some feeling just in case he comes back. So if he does come back I’ll be able to have some sort of life with half a feeling heart. It would be better than nothing I suppose. I’d still be able to love him. I’d still be able to enjoy our wedding day. I’d still cry when we had our first child. I’d still be able to feel it contract as we grow old together. I’d still be able to feel.

But he isn’t coming back. So what is the point? Why can’t my heart just die and let me either die or live my life dead and bitter. Oh hang on – I’m dead and bitter already.

Damn Easter.

I hate Easter.

I hate him.

I love him.

Him. Max. Where is he? Is he still on Antar? He is he dead? He is he alive? Is he with Tess again? Was she waiting for him with open arms? Did he take her into his arms and spin her around happily, all memory of me fading into nothing? Did he find something in her for him to love?

That’s just ridiculous.

She killed Alex.

He’d have killed her.

I hate Easter. I hate the fact I’m walking around this town in a daze. I hate the fact I can’t hate him. I can’t. It’s impossible because I understand why he left. He left because his planet wanted him. They needed him. They needed him to save them from Khivar who was destroying every last thing on their planet. They had tried to fight him off for as long as they could but in the end they needed him. So he left. He stepped on that bloody spaceship and flew away. What’s worse is the fact he was willing to stay.

He was going to stay.

For me.

But I made him go.

I couldn’t stand the thought of him breaking down from the guilt that would weigh heavily on his conscience for the rest of his life. But I couldn’t go with him. I was human. Human’s couldn’t survive. So I made him go. Told him to forget about me and do what was right.

We weren’t supposed to be together anyway – were we?

‘Destiny.’ That’s the last word he had said to me. The final sentence was “I will come back for you because, unlike Tess, you are my destiny.” I can still hear him choke on his words and his voice crack under the strain of his tears. His lashes were dam, a dam which burst the moment he pulled away from me and backed up on to the ship.

I can still taste the salt of my own.

I’m crying right now. I thought it was just a part of the memory. Or maybe I’ve always been like this. I always thought that the taste of the salty water was just the memory – now I think maybe I’ve never stopped crying.

My feet are carrying me to towards the car and I have no idea why. I never know where my feet are trying to take me. I end up in the weirdest places. All from past memories. The other day I found myself in the UFO centre reliving the day when we all disappeared. The day the Skins came to town. I wish I had disappeared that day. Would have been so much easier.

The other day I ended up at Alex’s grave. I remember just sinking to the ground, my knees melting into the soil as the rain poured down around me. I remember crying my heart out into his grave as I laid myself out on top of it. I curled into the smallest ball, just wanting to remember what it was like to have Alex’s arms around. I cried even harder when I realised I couldn’t remember what it felt like. All I could remember was that last lingering kiss.

I hated him in that moment. For the briefest second; because of him I couldn’t remember anything after the lingering kiss. That final moment with him.

But now, as I drive in the mid afternoon sun, now I don’t hate him. I hate myself. I’m the one who is focusing on this separation and pain. Max didn’t deliberately make me forget the warmth of Alex’s embrace – I did that on my own.

The ground underneath the car turns from smooth tarmac to dry, dirty and bumpy and I instantly know where I’m going. I want to turn back, my head is yelling at me not to go there, but I feel that I have to.

To find closure.

Because that’s what I need. I need closure. I need to move on with my life. I need to stop thinking about Max Evans. I don’t want to stop. It’s a case of I need to or I think I’ll just breakdown into a bigger mess than I am already. That wouldn’t be productive.

I slow the car down to a stop and I instantly break down. What is it about this place that makes all the painful memories just surface forming brand new tears? What is it about this place that I hate?

I hate it just as much as I hate him.

I love him.

This is the place he was born.

I couldn’t hate this place if I really tried.

What I hate is what it represents – the beginning and ending of human life. Max was born here – in to human life and this is the place where the ship took off – The end of his human life. This place gives and takes life and I hate that. I hate the fact I am alone. I hate the fact this place even exists. I hate the fact I’m alive. I hate the fact I just cannot let go no matter how hard I try.

I have to breathe. I have to stop this now before I destroy the car. The green electricity can destroy a wall – a car is no match for it. So I step out of the car. I don’t even need to look down at my hands to know that green electricity runs just under my skin. It isn’t new either. It’s one more thing Max ‘gave’ me. One more thing I can ‘thank’ Max for.

I look towards the pod chamber and take another good look at my hands. I frown slightly. Why am I here? I can’t get in there – could I? I glance at the pod chamber and soon I find myself charging up to the entrance like a woman on serious mission. I have pure energy and anger rolling through my veins right now and I feel like I have to go there. I have to be there before I explode.

I nervously glide my hand over the rocky surface and almost jump back with fright as the unforgettable silver hand print appears.

Everything is turning dark now.

I have no idea how long I have been stood here just staring at this hand print, half afraid to put my palm to it. I think it’s been hours when it has just seemed like minutes. My hand is shaking as I place it on the print and I almost cry as the door opens up.

I step inside, the room still glowing from when the Granolith inhabited its walls. There are fresh tears now as I come face to face with this place once again. This was where everything went wrong. This was where Tess flew away and the group started to fall to pieces. This was the place Future Max had come, the place that had destroyed any hope of me having any sort of happy life. The moment Future Max had stepped into this room; he had destroyed the Liz Parker I used to know.

Because of him my best friend died at the hands of a monster – one who had no morals or conscience. A monster that had killed Alex just so she could go home. Because of him I didn’t stand at the Elvis chapel with Max at the age of 19. Because of him I can’t listen to I Shall Believe ever again with out painful heart wrenching memories surfacing. Because of him my Max had to leave. Because of him I can’t feel my heart. Because of him I am dead.

I hate him

But I love him.

Always.

Forever.

I turn back to the pods and nearer to which I know was Max’s. I haven’t actually been told which one was his, I can feel it in the same way I could feel Max when he was still standing on this planet. I could feel him everywhere I went when he was here, but now I just have vague fluttering of his existence. It’s becomes stronger as he trace my fingers over what remains of his pod. The steel that encases it is so cold I would have flinched if I could feel.

But I don’t.

I can’t.

It would be a miracle if I could. These holidays are supposed to be a time of miracles but here I am, in a long since abandoned pod chamber unable to feel the ice cold steel beneath my fingers. The tears pour over my lashes as I realise the true extent of my loneliness. I just want to scream and cry but I can’t. I’ve been doing it for far too long – I’ve run out of energy.

I plop onto the floor as my weak legs buckle from under me. He’s gone. I’m gone. I can’t live, I can’t eat and I can’t breathe. There is no hope in my life; there is no joy that keeps me going. It’s the third Easter since he left me and I finally feel ready to just let go and die in this pod chamber surrounded by the memories this place envelopes me in. I hiccup tears as I lie down on the floor, resting my head in my hands. I curl up into the smallest ball and just cry out.

I just want this to end.

I need this to end.

My eyes open and close as the darkness starts to take over. I close them tightly.

I hate him.

I love him.

Always and forever.

Opening my eyes wide, wanting to take one last look at this place, and all I see is amber.

I see my miracle.

My Easter miracle.

My Max.

Here it is. The end! Hope you enjoy

Song is Fisher's I will love you

Part two.

I am

I am

I am

That’s what my heart is screaming right now as I stare into his sweet soulful eyes. The eyes that are forever imprinted in my mind. I quiver as I bring my hand to his cheek, his rough, rugged and scarred cheek and I cry out loud as I feel his skin under my palm.

He’s real.

**

Is she really here? Is she really here looking up at me like that? Or is it my imagination? If it is, it’s a bitter sweet dream. My eyes well up the moment I feel her delicate hand rest on my skin and hear her sweet gasp. I’m scared to move or a say a word just in case it is my mind playing tricks on me and she just suddenly disappears.

Again.

**
He really is here. He really is knelt on the floor beside me as I lay here, my palm on his cheek, tears running down my own. I can feel his hand wrapping itself around my wrist and I finally take his whole appearance in as we truly look at each other for the first time in three years. His hair is long and wild, his dark wisps surrounding his beautifully defined face. A new scar rests above his left eyebrow and several scratches mar his cheek. He reminds me so much of Future Max but I know he hasn’t seen such hardships as he did. Max has seen war, but there is no haunted look in his eyes as he gazes over my face. There is no death in his gaze.

**
She is as beautiful as she has ever been. She couldn’t look more wonderful then she does now. I know she’s lost weight, she’s lost her spark but I can still see her, I can still see Liz parker, as she looks at me. It’s in the way she whispers my name as she runs her fingers over the scratch marks on my cheek. The scratch marks Tess gave me just days ago when we battled to the death. One of us was to live. The other to die. But I was already dead. Until now, as Elizabeth Parker looks up at me. My heart has sprung to life.

I am

I am

I am

It’s undeniable. When I’m with Liz I come back to life. She’s my everything.

**

His name tumbles off my lips tentatively as I lightly touch his scars with my fingertips. I don’t know why I am so scared to move closer to him. It’s as if I’m waiting for him to just disappear and for me to wake up. I’ve had that dream so many times and every time I move closer to him, he just disappears. But this is the nearest I have ever gotten to him in a dream with out him vanishing the moment I reach out. I want to take this moment in, just in case.

**

My grip tightens around her wrist as I realise just how real she is. I can feel the warmth I have been missing for the last three years as I slept alone in my bed. I’d stare out into space just longing for her, crying out for her as I woke every morning. Crying out in agony as once again she disappeared from my reach.

Sometimes I could feel her lips.

Sometimes I could smell her.

Sometimes I felt like dying.

I hate the mornings. It brings reality.

But now. Now is reality. Now is here. Liz is here and I can’t seem to move my arms. I’m too focused on the fact she’s still touching my cheek. I’m just letting it creep through my veins. It defrosts every icicle that surrounds my hardened heart and as it warms my chest I can start to feel her lying there once again.

I can feel her.

I can feel the tears

**

I see his tears and I know he can feel it to. That warmth in your heart that makes you stop everything you are doing and smile. It’s a warmth that brings you to level that no one else could understand. I can’t put it in to words, but as I look at him I know one thing:

I want him

I need him

I love him

**

Suddenly I just pull on her arm and bring her crashing against my body as it finally truly sinks in that she really is here on the floor of the pod chamber. Her small body fits perfectly against mine and I wonder how I lived all these years without such perfection in my life. I knew she was meant for me. I felt it every time I gazed upon her, but now as I draw her in tightly to my chest I feel complete.

Liz Parker completes me.

“Liz…” I finally manage to sob out as I let the tears start to fall. During every waking moment on Antar I had felt empty and alone, my heart and soul heavy with a grief I couldn’t form into words for Michael and Isabel. “Oh my god Liz.” It just seemed to destroy me. It destroyed the Max Evans I had once known and Zan stood in his place. I wasn’t human on Antar. But now, now as I finally hold Liz in my arms again I know I have found him. Myself.

He never left her side.

I never left her side.

I am Max Evans.

**

“Max…” I cry out as we sit wrapped up in each others arms. “H-how?”

“I came back.” He whispers as he nuzzles his face into my hair. “For you.” His voice cracks as he pulls his head away enough to look down on me and I just cry out again as I see total unwavering love shine down on me, warming my once cold and unfeeling body. His voice cracks as he speaks. “Because… because w-without you I wasn’t me. Without you I don’t exist. Without you I’m not Max Evans.”

’til my body is dust
’til my soul is no more
I will love you, love you

As cup her cheek, brushing away a few of her tears, she bites her lip to prevent more from spilling over. “I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t feel. I couldn’t be myself. I wasn’t human there and I knew that the only way for me to feel again was to come back to you. Because, Liz, you make me human. I’ve told you that once before… but I didn’t realise back then how much that was true. You complete me. You are my destiny.” I smile down at her.

I cry with relief as she says the three little words that has made my heart leap out of my chest so many times. “I love you” This time my heart seems to skip a beat.

’til the sun starts to cry
And the moon turns to rust
I will love you, love you

He is here.

Max is here.

He’s back and is holding me close to his body speaking such sweet words that make my heart, body and soul just awaken.

“I’ve missed you.” I suddenly blurt out. “I haven’t lived without you here with me. I haven’t been myself either.” I didn’t intend on telling him that. Actually I hadn’t thought I’d ever say that to him because usually it would go unspoken, yet it’s as if I need to admit it to myself as well as to him, like I need to bare my entire soul once again just so I can start to heal.

But I need to know - will you stay for all
Time...forever and a day?

“I know.” He smiles down at me. When he sees the blush that stains my cheeks his tearful smile widens and shines through out the chamber. “I could still feel it.” He whispers as he rests his forehead against mine. His stare is penetrating and suddenly I am back where this all started. I can almost feel myself standing in the middle of the Crashdown, his hands cupping my face.

Then I’ll give my heart ’til the end of all
Time...forever and a day

My hands rest on either side of her face and I just show her. I show her everything.

But I need to know - will you stay for all
Time...forever and a day?

*Flash*
I am standing at the counter of the Crashdown wiping down the table, an innocent and naive smile on my face. This is before the shooting. I don’t know about Max, he just watches me from afar. I can feel his loneliness and it makes my heart ache. Max didn’t know love then. He loved me, but he didn’t know the wonderment and the power of love when it was shared. He was alone.
*Flash*

Then I’ll give my heart ’til the end of all
Time...forever and a day

*Flash*
I show her our first kiss, the time on the balcony when there was no mess, destruction and death. We were the only two people in the world that night. I hear her sigh with contentment as we replay the moment together, both able to feel our lips on one another. We can feel our love.
*Flash*

’til the storms fill my eyes

*Flash*
I feel disorientated as I feel such a heavy pain filling the centre of my chest as I watch our last lingering kiss, the one that I have used to just to survive all this time without him. I am on the verge of tears as I watch us lingering for a moment. Trying desperately to hold to each other forever. The pain spreads through out my body as I watch Max back up onto the ship. Suddenly I realise why my heart aches, as if it is bleeding to death. This was how Max felt when he left me. I watch him slump to the floor as soon as my face is no longer visible from the window. I watch him cry.
*Flash*

And we touch the last time

*Flash*
I show her my arrival on Antar, the cheers and the wars all merge into one flash. The audiences and the death; I let her feel the coldness I felt as I watched it all as I tried to hold onto my emotions. I tried not to care. It just made the pain in my chest worsen.
*Flash*

I will love you, love you

*Flash*
I almost cry out in disgust and force myself away from him as soon as Tess’ face flashes in front of my eyes, her piercing blue eyes staring into my soul menacingly. His hand holds my face as I struggled away. He wants me to see this and I calm myself as I watch them. She spits in his face as he moves towards her. “I don’t see what you saw in that bitch. You could have had it all.” She screeches as he continues his slow stride towards her. She’s surrounded by his army. She is the only survivor left of Khivar’s team. “I LOVED YOU!” She screams as she starts to raise her arm towards Max. I can feel his hatred towards her as he moves towards her.

He’s thinking about me.

About Alex.

About everyone.

“You killed Alex!” He whispers angrily. He is heartbroken as he nears her remembering the coldness he felt as his hands came in contact with Alex’s dead blood covered body. “You killed Zan. Our son.” I feel his sadness as a small boy’s dead face crosses his mind. He loved Zan. She didn’t. “You took me away from Liz!”

“That bitch doesn’t deserve you! She nothing but a mere human you took you away from your DESTINY! FROM ME!”

“Don’t speak of her that way.”

“SHE’S A BITCH! A WHORE! Don’t you remember the fact she fucked Kyle?!”

“She didn’t do it.” Max is now face to face with her, a smile on his face. “I would always forgive Liz for anything that she could have done. I’d still love her even if she did fuck Kyle. I couldn’t ever forgive you, because you disgust me. You killed Alex and you killed Zan. You fucked Khivar. All you were to him was his personal whore. You did as you were told.”

Anger rages in her eyes and she slaps him hard against the cheek, leaving scratch marks. She smiles as soon as she sees the blood trickling down his skin. A smile that disappears as she suddenly flies into Max’s arms as she is hit in the back by an energy blast, Max’s arms move from her and he just lets her slump to the floor. He watches her dying.

“This is for Alex.”
*Flash*

I will love you, love you...

*Flash*
I watch him standing on the tall cliff over looking a red sea. The red sun reflects on the lightly rippling water. His eyes are closed. He is breathing in deeply as he seems to be waiting for something.

Then I can feel it. It surrounds me like a blanket, warming me from the head to my toes. It lifts the heaviness that filled my chest.

His eyes fling open. “Liz…”

He could feel me
*Flash*

I will love you, love you...

My hands fall from her face and I look intently at her.

‘I love you’

The End