Roswell Fanatics

Title: Hallucinations, Ex-Boyfriends, and Aliens.
Author: Me. (Sologirl102)
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Couples: Conventional.
Rating: TEEN
Summary: We're going to find out as we go along. For all I know, marshmellows could take over the Earth. But they would be Antarian marshmellows, just to keep things alien related. I’m thinking it’s a three parter. Sorry, the characters don’t sound very Roswellian.

Chapter One- An Omelet Screwed Up My Relationship
Liz POV
Entry... Okay I've lost count.
My name is Liz Parker, and I can officially be called a dating disaster. My relationships with men (that I've screwed up): 1. My relationships with hot alien men (that I've screwed up by pretending to sleep with my one human dating attempt): 1. But what's really sad, I hurt Max for no good reason. See, I apparently hallucinated the appearance of a "Future Max".

Now that alone could be considered inconsequential. But how I reacted, now I can't explain that. My sick mind conjured up a Future Max who was trying to convince me to break up with present him. Warning bells should have been going off in my head. And they were. Just, they weren't very strong. Instead of giant bonging, they sounded like little tinklings. So I went along with Future Max's plan.

I pretended to sleep with Kyle, who's really sweet (and short), and Max saw.

If that wasn't bad enough, 48 hours later, my head cleared. And I remembered what I had done right before the appearance of Future Max. I tried a Magic Mushroom Omelet. Apparently, during my mass hallucination, I just ignored the swirling colors and dancing gnomes. I completely disregarded my "scientific nature" in exchange for... dancing gnomes. Oh god.

I stopped writing, and read over what I had written. “Oh dear god, I’m going mad. Nobody’s going to believe this.” I glared at the journal, as if it was the cause of all my problems.

“Hey, Lizzie,” my father called. “We still have some mushroom omelet. Do you want some?”
“NO!” Maybe I should talk to Maria… or Max. Yes, MAX. I could explain everything than. No, that would be too embarrassing. And what in God’s name would make him believe me? A letter, yes that would work! But what to write??

Dear Max,
You’re probably wondering why would I sleep with Kyle. Well, actually, the End of the World. See, I saw a Future you, and he said the world would end in 14 years if you didn’t break up with me. Which resulted in me faking my way through sleeping with Kyle. I’m a pretty good actress, huh? You never would have guessed that I was this close to puking during the entire thing. But anyways, you saw, as I fully intended you to. And Future Max poofed away. You must think I was really brave to screw up our relationship for the good of mankind. But, here’s the kicker, it turns out Future Max was a hallucination from Magic Mushrooms. So I screwed up our perfect thing for nothing.
But it wasn’t my fault! The gnomes were egging me on! Could we start over?
Love, Liz
P.S. You looked really hot in black leather. We definitely have to take you shopping.

Oh good lord. “I can’t send this. It makes me sound like I’m nuts.”
“Liz, you are nuts.” Oh no. King Charming himself. I whirled around, quickly crumpled up the letter, and hid it behind my back.
“Max! What brings you here?” Breathe, I thought, breathe.

“ I was thinking. And I want to know why you slept with Kyle?” He looked sad, but so gorgeous.

I practically had to wrestle my arm to keep it behind my back. “I can’t tell you, Max.”

“Sure you can. What are you hiding behind your back?” Damn his perceptive gaze!

“Absolutely nothing. I’m not hiding anything. Not a letter anyways.” DAMN! Okay, keep cool Liz, it’s not bad yet.

“You’re practically gluing your arm to your back.”

“So what if I am? It’s very comfortable like this.”

“Liz, hand it over.” Resist, I said to myself. Resist!

“Resist what?”

“It’s not important, Max.”

“Liz, if you don’t hand whatever is behind your back over, I will be forced to use my powers and-“
“What, heal me?”
In a move faster than lightening, he ran towards me, grabbed the letter, and uncrumpled it.
“NOOOOOOOOOOO!” I ran towards him, but all he did was quickly hold his arm against my head, keeping it away from him. I swung at him several times, but my arms were too short. “DON’T READ IT!”

But it was too late. After he finished the letter, he stared at me. “Magic Mushrooms? Dancing gnomes? LEATHER??? You have a scary mind, Liz.” And with that, he walked off, still clutching the letter. Oh god.

TBC
A/N: This really sounds out of character. I’m totally sorry. But I would love some feedback.

Chapter 2- Oh Look, an Omelet.
Max POV.
Okay, so the love of my life is nuts. I can deal with that. I mean, if Michael can deal with it, so can I! Christ I’m hungry! Alright, calm down Maxie boy, you’ll just walk into the Crashdown, order something to eat, and analyze Liz’s letter. Deep breath… and okay I’m back in control.

*Ding* What the hel!- oh yeah. The door has a bell on it. Should’ve remembered that. I mean, I’ve been here enough times to remember it.

“Hey, Max!” Mrs. Parker is waitressing… hmm. That’s a little odd. Not that she’s odd, anyways, even though she has really bad taste in clothing, if the cupcake dress is anything to go by. Mrs. Parker is looking at me strangely. Oh, I should have said hi back, instead of staring like a dead person. All right, focus on her, Max. Oh dear god she’s wearing the uniform. That’s just creepy. I can see her legs! Wow, those are actually pretty nice legs. Oh god, quick, say something, anything!

”Hi, Mrs. Parker. Sorry, I’m a little out of it today.” She instantly looks normal again, treating me like a 5 year old… or someone not right in the head. Which I think is pretty rich, considering her daughter hallucinates about weird Maxes in black leather. Leather. Pfft. Yeah, right. Like I’d look like something out of a bondage video. Not that I’ve seen one, mind you, but… oh crap she’s staring at me suspiciously again.

Think fast, Max. “Could I have a cherry coke please?”

“Oh sure.”

And as she walks off, I’m struck with the thought, wow, I hope Liz has her legs. Something is obviously wrong with me. But I don’t have time to think about that. As I walk to my customary booth, I crumple The Letter, as it shall now be referred to as, even more.

When Mrs. Parker comes back, I immediately stick The Letter in my pocket, to burn when I get home. Because it’s obviously a sign that Liz is lying even more.

“Could I please have whatever the house special is today, Mrs. Parker?”
“Sure, Max.”
After 15 minutes, she comes back with a blob of bread. Not wanting to offend her, I eat some of it. Okay, there are some gray slices in here. They look like slices of alien. Do I taste egg?

“Hey, Mrs. Parker? What’s the house special?”

“Oh it’s a new thing. Autopsied Alien Omelet.” Oh god, I’m a cannibal. Quick, grab the menu. Autopsied Alien Omelet… mushroom slices with a secret spice. New. Oh that’s good, that’s real good. This is CRAP! Grab the Tabasco Sauce! Okay that’s better, that’s much better. No it’s not. Right, after only 8 bites, I’ve been scared off. Quick, just pay the bill and leave.

“Could I have the check please?”
“Sure, Max, I’ll bring a box as well.” Oh god no. This stuff is disgusting. But I can’t actually say that to Liz’s mom, so I just smiled and nodded. And than it became really weird. Because the minute I walked out the door, all the stuff (like trees) suddenly developed faces.

A mail box suddenly started talking to me. He told me to forgive Liz, eat Tess, and marry the Easter Bunny.

(Five Hours Later)
I came to in Liz’s room. She was glaring at me. “What did I do?”
She smacked me on the head. “You climbed my ladder, rambling about forgiving me, eating Tess, and marrying …Ester Bunneh? Is that what you said?”

I had no clue what the heck she was talking about.
“Huh?”
“Oh, I don’t know, one minute you’re rambling, the next you stare at my chest and say ‘Hello Mr. Gnome. I thought Liz made you up.’ Does my chest look like a gnome?”

“No….”
“Than what the fuck is wrong with you? Because if calling my boobs a creature that carries fishing poles and crap like that wasn’t bad enough, you than decided that marshmallows were attacking. And not just any marshmallows. Antarian MARSHMELLOWS!”

My head was pounding. So I just muttered, “Damn that omelet.”
“You ATE an omelet???”
“Yeah. It was mushroom.”
“Oh god.”

“Lizzzz, my head hurts.”
“Oh, poor baby! Deal with it. You should have remembered my letter mentioning a mushroom omelet!”
Well, she obviously doesn’t care about my well-being. Time for drastic measures.
“I love you.” Hmm. She doesn’t look murderous. In fact, she looks… no, wait, it’s most definitely murderous.

TBC- Feedback please!

Chapter 3- This Omelet Does Make Me Feel Pretty.
Maria POV.

What is wrong with the world? A couple of days ago, I saw Liz talking to air, two hours ago, I saw Mrs. Parker wearing the Crashdown Uniform, and 5 minutes ago, I saw Max dancing around a swing set. Naked. The images have- well, they haven’t scarred me, but they have made me envious of Liz.

But luckily for Max, no one was around, and I could hustle him into his clothes. I dropped him outside Liz’s balcony (with a box that I think contained Crashdown food) before I made a mad dash into the Crashdown’s kitchen. I’m seriously hungry.

All I can find, however, is a rubbery head. Or at least it looks like a rubbery head. In reality, it’s an omelet. But not just any omelet. Oh no, a mushroom one. Which makes it unique from all other omelets because this one, everyone thinks it tastes like crap, instead of just me.

It’s not my fault that I don’t like omelets. I haven’t liked them since my mom made me one. She called it a “special” omelet. Now, I thought that meant pot. But what it really meant was it had candles on it. Who serves an omelet on a girl’s 13th birthday? Whatever happened to cake? But, traumatic incident aside, it has made me paranoid about all omelets.

And paranoid I still am. But Liz said I should always re-think my opinions on food every couple of years. Because my taste buds “will mature.” Load of crap, in my opinion, but hey, I’m starving. For all my good intentions, I was spitting out the 5th bite. Because this omelet tastes like crap. Or as I like to say in the French tradition, this thing tastes like merde.

My appetite has been lost. So, I’ll just ignore my stomach and go home. Or I’ll bug Michael. Whatever’s easiest.

Decisions, decisions. Well, high ho, high ho, it’s off to home I go. Nothing else seems appealing.

(Five minutes later)
Wow it’s bright out! Look at the sun, it’s sooooo shiny! And friendly! And ouch, it hurts after a while. BAD SUN, BAD! Oh, it’s the moon. Well never mind than. Wow the moon’s preeeeeeeeeetty. It’s too pretty. Oh my god, I can’t be seen without make up! Compared to the moon, I’m crap!

Oh look! Make up. Now I just have to spread some on.

Dancing lipstick! “Come here, lippy!”

“Maria, get away from me! Christ!”

“Bad lipstick, bad! Be nice to Maria!”

“I’m not lipstick DAMMIT! Why do you have mud on your face?”

The lipstick keeps dancing! I can’t keep up. Sleepy… so sleepy. Huh… that’s funny… the lipstick has Michael’s hair-zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

(1 hour later)

My head hurts. Where’s my cypress oil, dammit! Why am I at Michael’s place? What’s going on? Why’s my face feel all stiff? Wow, speak of the devil.

“Michael! DID YOU ABDUCT ME???”

“No! You fainted.”

“Ha! Like I believe that. I never faint!”

“Right before it was Lights Out, Maria, you kept shouting about ‘lippy’ and how it was dancing.”

Well he was obviously hallucinating! I haven’t called lipstick lippy since 5th grade. That’s just an excuse for his kidnapping me. Oh god I hope he doesn’t need my car again!

“Why’s my face all stiff?”

“Because you have mud on it. When I happened upon you, you were smearing it on like it was Vick’s Vapor Rub or something.”

He’s lying. He has to be! Quick, dash to a mirror. OH MY GOD!! “AGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!” IS THAT A WORM? OH HOLY SHIT!

TBC.
A/N- Sorry it’s so short, I’m just not sure what to write about, Maria wise. Feedback would be lovely.

Chapter 4- RUN, OMELET, RUN!!
Isabel POV.

The mall’s closed. What the hell am I supposed to do while the mall’s closed??? I DON’T HAVE ANY NEW CLOTHES! …Wait a minute, alien powers! Ha! TAKE THAT, STUPID MALL!… I didn’t mean that, I swear I didn’t. Good mally. You’re Isabel’s pride and joy. Yes you are, yes you are!

“Isabel? Are you crooning about your pride and joy? Do you even have one? I thought that was a guy thing.” Oh god. Not only is the door open, but Max just saw everything. Oh god I hope he doesn’t tell anybody. He can’t! I WON’T LET HIM!

“If you tell anybody about what you saw, your ‘pride and joy’ is going to shrink. SHRINK, I TELL YOU!” Yep, that should do it. He looks like Peter Rabbit upon discovering he’s going to be made into soup. Isabel: One million and one, Max: zero.

“That’s it, I’m buying you Midol for Christmas… and beaver tranquilizers. You don’t threaten a guy’s pride and joy. It just isn’t done!” And with that, Max ran out of the room. The entire time, I can hear him chanting, “she was just kidding. She didn’t mean it!” I'm hoping to God he’s not talking to his testicles.

Wow, threatening Max with serious shrinkage makes a girl hungry. Time for a nice snack in the kitchen.

Hmmmm, let’s see, mom’s food, mom’s food (not touching anything she makes with a ten-foot pole), and something from the Crashdown. Max must have gone there last night or something… it’s a bowling ball…? No, that’s heavier. It looks like whale blubber. But chances are, it will taste better than mom’s food.

*GAG* Oh MY GOD! This is disgusting! It tastes like, like my grandma smells. Something is seriously wrong with anyone who orders this. Max belongs in a loony bin! But it’s not the blob’s fault. No it isn’t. Don’t worry Mr. Blobby, I’ll still love you. I just won’t eat you. You and the trash can are going to be best friends, I promise.

Problem solved. Only I couldn’t figure out how the trash can works. So for now, Blobby will be friends with the counter. Now, I think it’s time for me to go outside. But what to do, what to do???

(15 minutes later)
“Hi Alex! Fancy running into you on this fine day. Did you know you look like Tom Hanks? You could be his son or something!”

“Hi, Isabel. Ummm, are you okay?”

“Fine! Never better! Why?”

“Because you’ve said the same thing to me three times. I think I’ve finally figured out that I look like Tom Hanks.”

“Oh. Well you do. Especially when you run. Than I just want to yell RUN, FORREST, RUN! Only I don’t. Because you look cuter when you run. Seriously, you are adorable. Like chipmunks, Bambi and Mr. Blob all rolled into one!”

“Mr. Blob?”

“He’s my new best friend. We bonded over his crappy taste.”

“…in music? Clothes? Girls?”

“No, silly, his taste! Literallbee! Whoops! That doesn’t sound right. Did you know you’d look good with your skin pink? With just a wave of my hand, I can-“

“Isabel! No! No hand waving, no pink!”

“Meanie!”

Wow, he looks really hot when he’s all wiggly. Only I can’t see where he ends and the ground begins-zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

“Isabel??? Oh crap. Just my luck. The one time she calls me cute, she’s drunk.”

(2 hours later)
Wha-? Was I attacked or something? Why does my head hurt? Am I on a park bench? Those are so unhygienic it’s not even funny. Only this one’s a lot more comfortable. Oh, well it would be, with Alex GORGEOUS Whitman as a cushion.

Wow, he really does look like Tom Hanks.

TBC- Feedback please. Sorry it's so short.

Chapter 5- Men are from Mars, Omelets are from Antar.
Alex POV

I've been sitting and listening to Isabel Evans for ten minutes. She doesn't appear to notice my lack of attention. Wonder if I could sneak in a few bites of my lunch??? Because seriously, Alien Venus or not, you don't get between a guy and his feed. And Mr. Parker is expecting feedback about this new omelet. He says he can 'trust me to tell the truth about his food.' Because I'm so honest and dependable. (Feedback for Mr. Parker, it's serious crap. Flies who eat crap wouldn't touch this.)

But anywho, I hate when people compare me to a poodle. Because honest, dependable poodles don't get any dates! Hell, they don't even get recognition, except for when they do something even more disgustingly honest. And hot girls don't want to date a Parent's Dream. No, they shun a Parent's Dream. I need to be reckless. Daring! Alien-consort worthy! Hmmm, I wonder if there are books for situations like this. "Rebel Without A Cause For Dummies... Or Nerds. " Yeah. That sounds good.

"...Seriously, you are adorable. Like chipmunks, Bambi and Mr. Blob all rolled into one!”

Wow! This sounds promising. Dare I hope she'll admit she's madly in love with me?

Of course she won't. This is a mean prank. I bet Liz and Maria are in on it. Bastards. That's the last time I run to the store to buy them tampons! But I need proof! How to make Isabel slip up? Think Alex! THINK! Hmmmm, perfectly innocent question... EUREKA!

"Mr. Blob?"

“He’s my new best friend..." My god. I've been replaced. I've been REPLACED! AND WHO THE HELL IS MR. BLOB? BECAUSE THE NERD IS GOING TO OPEN A CAN OF WHOOP-ASS ON HIS SORRY...ASS!

Hang on. She's pausing expecting reply. Give the standard one, Whitman.

“…in music? Clothes? Girls?” And she's talking again. The response must have worked. Wait, oh my god. She's mentioning pink. And hand-waving. That spells disaster.

(Five Minutes Later)

"And I've come to the conclusion that I may just love you. Not as intensely as the fires of a thousand suns, but well... I can say for sure that I love you more than that dancing gnome over there does. Hmmm. Wait... am I seeing a dancing gnome.... BREAK DANCE???!!! OH AWESOME! AND LIZ SAID GNOMES CAN'T DANCE!!

Or was it white boys couldn't rap? Hell I don't know. It's not important. What's important is- wow, is that a chicken?? No, never mind. It's just a very ugly alien. But what's with the beak....? I'd better find out.

"COME HERE, ALIEN!"

"Alex? Are you alright?"

"BEAKY! BEAKY, CAN'T CLOSE THE MOUTH WITHOUT A BEAK!"

"Alex, so HELP me God, let go of my nose."

Huh. The alien's blonde. And looks faintly like... oh god. Tess is attacking me. RUN MAN, RUN! LET THOSE YEARS OF DODGEBALL PAY OFF! Wow, lava lamp! Stop and look.

"Alex, WTF is wrong with you?" I don't understand why she's yelling. It's just so beautiful.

"Tess, isn't the lava lamp beautiful?"

"Alex, that's Isabel's shoe. Now something is seriously wrong with you. I'm going to go get help from the sherri-"

"Did you know your boobs are crooked?" She really has a right to now. I mean, they are totally lopsided. It's creepy. And yet... I can't seem to look away....

"Oh that's it. You're on you own."

Hmm. Moral dilemma. Do I apologize to Tess while she walks off, or do I cushion Isabel. Difficult, very difficul-. Wait, what was I talking about? Why does my head hurt? Oh look! Isabel. I actually feel brave enough to tell her how I feel. She looks awake. She's probably just relaxing or something.

Deep breath....

"Isabel, I love you desperately. I would die for you. I would eat your mother's cooking for you."

.................................... Wait. Isn't she supposed to open her eyes, kiss me senseless, and say the same thing???

"You called me cute!! That has to mean something to you! I mean, sure you said a lot of other odd stuff, too, but..."

Poke her, Alex.

*Poke*.

"Isabel??? Oh crap. Just my luck. The one time she calls me cute, she’s drunk.”

God, that is just my luck. But hey, at least I can gaze at her for a little while.

...Okay, my leg is cramping, and I have to pee.

TBC- Feedback please!

Part 6- Boys Just Want to Have Omelet.
Michael POV

Journal Entry- 1,609
It still surprises people when they discover Stonewall writes in a diary. Well, I've been doing it a lot longer than Liz has. So I'm not a copycat. But I digress (it also still surprises people when I know words with more than one syllable.) from my original point.

And that is that something is going on with most of the gang. They've been acting weird. And it makes me wonder why nobody's noticed. I mean when shy Maxwell Evans does a pole dance with a lamp post, people notice. Or at least Maria noticed. When he started stripping, she got him out of the public pretty fast... but only after he dropped trou. And that image disturbed me more than words can tell.

Because I discovered that apparently Max has also used his powers to enlarge... things. I also noticed he has a tatoo on his ass. "I love Mr. Gnome."

I'll record more later, after I eat this omelet. I mean, a guy's gotta eat.

Wow, this is pretty good. I mean once you get past the chewing, swallowing, tasting and gagging, it fills you up.

(5 minutes later)

I feel like dancing! Rotate the hips, shimmy, shimmy, high kick. Wow! But to make this look good, I need pumps, sequins, and make up.

Oh I look GOOD! And it's not like Maria cares if I borrow some of the stuff she left over. Admittedly the Ferragamos are a little small, but that's not bad.

*Knock*
Who's at the door?
"Michael are you there? It's Maria. I think I left some items here last time."

Okay don't panic don't panic. Just wave your hand... and I'm dressed! Nobody can tell! Mr. Sequins you can't tell. It'll be our little secret.

"Michael, I'm getting worried!"
Okay, open the door... and voila. So far so good.
"What?!" Admittedly I sound pissy, but I was doing something important.
"I left my shoes her- are you wearing body glitter?"
"No! I just got so sweaty dancing that I naturally glisten!"
"You dance?" Oh she thinks I can't do it! I'll show her!

Shimmy, shimmy, provacative look... wow, I could totally do this for a living. If only I was a girl- EUREKA!
"Maria, I demand that you start calling me Michelle. I want to be a female exotic dancer."
"But Michael, what about your art, and you just started working with metal, and you're supposed to be the father of my children, so I don't think you really mean it."

What does she mean 'what about my art'? Hasn't she ever seen Flashdance?

"Maria, I can do both... and kids!"
That scary, scary thought sent a jolt through me. And suddenly, everything was clear.

"If you ever tell anyone what you heard, I'll tell everyone about Lippy."
"hey those were extreme circumstances. I had some omelet, and-"
Okay time to tune Maria out... wait a minute!

"You ate OMELET!"
"Yeah, why?"
"I ate omelete, and five minutes later, I suddenly wanted to get a sex change!"

Her eyes widened. She looked horrified.
"We need to warn Max!" And with that, she was gone.

I know we should... and I will talk to them later. But for now...

Shimmy, kick, pop it! Oh I've still got it!

TBC- A/N Sorry, the muse was being a bitch. FB would be lovely!

Part 7- It's Hard to Say I Love You With Gnomes and Omelets Dancing.
A/N, this will be a little different, because this is both Kyle and Tess POV. And my second from last part.

Kyle POV

Well, how do I say this? Should I pretend I'm at an AA meeting? Do I stand up and say, "Hi, my name is Kyle" everyone else says "HI, KYLE" and I just state "I'm an alien addict, and I've gone 15 minutes, 36 seconds without picturing Tess naked... Wow, Tess naked. CRAP! Okay, I've gone 3 seconds without seeing a certain blonde alien (who shall remain nameless) completely and totally nude while doing something that belongs in XXX movies."

Yeah, like that's going to work. And to make things worse, she's clearly hung up over Max. I mean we're sitting at the Crashdown, waiting for some new omelet, and she's talking about Max.

God, can this get any worse?

Well apparently it can, because the king himself just deigned to grace us with his presense and announce an important meeting about a new threat. He mentioned eggs and mushrooms before I tuned him out.

And... oh good he's leaving. And even better, our food's arriving.

It's gray, and rubbery, and smells like my jockstrap.

And oh, it tastes like it too. Don't ask how I know what it tastes like, because it involves a traumatizing experience involving beer, truth and dare.

So I'm just going to hope to God it tastes bad to Tess as well.

Tess POV.

Well, life can't get any worse. My boobs are crooked, Kyle doesn't love me, and I won't tell Kyle I love him. Instead I have to start ranting about Max and "destiny" and "preordained" shit.

But nobody knows that I had an epiphany weeks ago. And that is FUCK DESTINY! Because Max is just too damn tall for me. God I don't know how Liz stands it. I mean sure, he's hot, but he makes me feel like a midget.

Short men, however... They make me feel tall. Well, Kyle doesn't, but that's okay, because he's a nice type of taller.

Gary Coleman on the other hand, God who doesn't feel tall compared to him? Fetuses. That's who. Because they aren't out in the world yet.

But anywho, I'm basically sitting across from Kyle, munching on something that tastes like a jockstrap (Don't ask, it involves beer, truth and dare), and picturing Kyle naked.

Okay... image of Kyle clearing to notice Max is mumbling something. Where the hell did he come from? Right, not the point. He's expecting a reaction.

Give the regular response. Smile, nod, than look concerned and intense.

He's gone, and I can now (once again) taste my food, even through a lake of hot sauce. Fuck it.

Kyle POV

Yeah, we left the Crashdown like 10 minutes ago, and things are normal. Besides the fact someone may have slipped me something in my omelet. Because I can't focus on much, and I feel dizzy.

Huh, I never noticed Tess has crooked breasts. It's adorable! Now if I can only tell her I love her with tact and dignity.

"Did you know you're boobs are crooked?"

Perfect.

"Yeah."
"It's adorable." Okay, good Valenti, doing better.
"Do you think so?" Well duh!
"Yeah. And I loveshe youdoe." CRAP! What the hell happened? Oh. I know. I got distracted by a dragonfly. It looks a little like a- no a lot like a penis. And that creeps me out.

"Hey, Tess, does that dragonfly look like a penis, or is it just me?" Well, this is clearly working well.

Okay, take a deep breath, exhale, imagine her naked and-

"I love you."

Wait a flipping minute! That's my lie- I mean line!

Oh, it's on!

Tess POV

Well, I did it. I told Kyle I loved him. And oh, I wasn't finished.

"And FUCK DESTINY, and MAX IS TOO DAMN TALL..." And all four Kyles look pissed. Crap.

"Damn it, Tess, I wanted to say 'I love you' first!" Oh, he is NOT getting pissed because of that!

"Well, screw that, I said it first." And I, Tess ShaRonda Harding (don't ask- Nasedo decided to name me something unique- the bastard) jumped Kyle, ripped his shirt, and proceeded to kiss the crap out of him.

At least I did until I heard sirens, a car door slamming, and the shout of "TESS! KYLE!"

It seems someone had called the sheriff about me disturbing the peace and improper behavior.

Which is why me and Kyle are now in (separate, damn their hearts) jail cells, waiting for the rest of the group to bail us out. But we're holding hands, so that's okay.

TBC
A/N- If you're wondering, Tess and Kyle had only a bite or so each. So they have a diluted effect, and aren't completely insane, just their common sense is shot to hell.

FINAL PART! NO POV! PRAISE THE LORD OF OMELETS!

Part 8- Omelets are the Devil with eggs.

Liz came downstairs to discover that not only had the gang gathered in a gaggle, but her dad was in a state of pissed off-ness.

"Lizzy-bear!" Cried Jeff. "I have to take our new omelet off the menu. Apparently, the mushrooms involved caused hallucinations. All your friends have been complaining about that and the taste."

Appear sad! Liz told herself. "Oh that's terrible Dad!" Inside, she was doing a combo of shimmying and wiggling.

Jeff looked sad. "Yes, I know."

Liz decided it was time to leave. Her dad was looking melancholy, and that always meant bad 70s music.

"Well okay. I'm just going to talk to my friends now." And with that, she made a dash for it.

"Good news," Liz shrieked. "No more omelet!" And there was much rejoicing. Except Michael. He was rubbing his newly tattooed butt and muttering, "thanks a lot, a little too late for me."

Maria had decided that in exchange for not talking about Michael's brief time as a dancer, Michael had to tattoo her name just above his ass.

"Aww, Mikeypoos, tattoos are sexy! Max looks pretty good with one!"

Max went pale. "Huh?"

"Yeah, you have 'I love Mr. Gnome' tattooed on your ass."

Liz pondered that, than what Maria said sunk in. "When the hell did you see his ass?"

"When he was stripping."

Isabel looked properly horrified. Alex looked immensly amused.

"Wow. Didn't know you had it in you, Evans."

"Shut it, Whitman. Or so help me God, you will limp!"

Isabel got a little pissy at this.

"If you touch one hair on my boyfriend's head, you will see-"

Max interrupted. "-Brad Pitt naked in my dreams for a month."

Michael decided to comment. "Not only have you threatened that a thousand times, but you've only done it once. And when did you start dating?"

Alex looked a little uneasy. "Not important. What's important is the fact that we're all here."

Max looked around. "No we aren't. Tess and Kyle aren't here. I have to tell them that me and Liz are back together. Where are they?"

Suddenly Max's cell phone rang. He answered it and listened for a few minutes. Suddenly he closed it with a snap.

"Tess and Kyle have been arrested. They need us to bail them out."

THE END!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!