Roswell Fanatics

Jim slammed his fist on the dashboard. He had been to the DeLuca's and both women were inconsolable and neither of them knew anything that could help. Maria hadn't been allowed out much this week and so, she was temporarily out of the loop. He had stopped at the Whitman's. Their son was very worried but ultimately didn't have a clue why Liz in particular had been taken. She had pulled out of plans with him to go stargazing the night before. The poor boy blamed himself for not trying harder to get her out of the house.

Then he had moved on down his list. A few friends that Liz used to hang out with. No one knew anything of note. The Evans kids were very upset and seemed to be nervous but even when pressed, all the boy would say is that he was the last to leave the day before and all Liz had said was she felt like being alone. Then after some hesitation and a not so discreet glance at Jim's list of people to interview, Max had briefly explained there was no need to talk to a young doctor at the hospital.

Jim was careful not to say too much or to let on that he knew more than he was supposed to but he got an odd feeling from the boy. His sister seemed too scared to say anything in front of the boy. If he could interview them alone, later. Maybe he could make some sense out of what he'd read in the Parker girl's diary.

--

Rath had adjusted her vocal chords so that she could respond to his violent treatments more readily than before. All he had done was put his hand over her throat and she could make noise but she had no control over her lips or her jaw. What had they done to her? She still couldn't fight back and she could feel EVERYTHING. Every touch and grip, every kiss and tonguing, every slap or punch and every single violating thrust that made her cry out in pain.

She was filthy and not all of it was her fault, her clothes were stretched out and torn. She couldn’t move, not even to ease the pressure on bruises on certain parts of her body. They were wearing away her will minute by painful minute. She had already given up trying to make protesting noises. They were ignored. No one that could help could hear them. She kept her sanity by counting. She kept track of the precious minutes she was left alone.

The light had changed. She kept track of that, too. It was sunset. In five hours it will have been twenty-four hours since her abduction. Her face pressed into the concrete floor, her cheek was bleeding. It had been about to close but when her body rocked, it reopened the wound. She did the math. 25 minutes left alone. She was swollen and bleeding from several places and she still could not make it stop. Lannie, as she had learned was Not-Isabel's actual name, encouraged the torture so that Liz would learn to share. To stop hiding what 'her brother' was doing in Roswell. Lannie kept asking where It was but Liz didn't know what It was.

Liz could feel Rath picking her up to face Lannie, shifting her body into another position. It wasn't the first time and it made her want to vomit to have the girl's hands on her body. Her hands under Liz's arms to bring them face to face when Lannie sat on the chair in front of her. The girl's hand on Liz's throat and then a hand to her mouth. There was a slight warmth and Liz realized she'd be able to talk for the first time in 20 hours. "Tell me, Lizzie. Where's my brother?"

"I don't know." Liz let out an involuntary squeak when Rath jarred her body particularly hard to get her in a position that would cause him the least amount of work. He didn't like the talking parts and he wanted them over with. "I don't know. If you're talking about Zan, he hates me. He wanted me to leave…"

"Oh baby." Lannie shook her head and traced a finger along the cut on Liz's cheek. The wound closed up to Liz's surprise. "Poor darlin', I know all about Max and Isabel and Michael and little, little Tessie. I know more than you do. I know all their names. Don't try to protect them. They're not protecting you."

"Please, make him stop. I hurt…" She pleaded even as he pressed a noisy, wet kiss her cheek.

"Darlin'… He calls you darlin'. Why do you think he does that?" Lannie ignored the pleas and very carefully healed every wound on Liz's face. The pain lessened there but of course more painful things were still going on in other parts of her body. "You did good… not tellin' anyone what my wayward brother did." Isabel called Max that sometimes. Her 'wayward brother'. Liz was struck once again by the resemblance between Lannie and Isabel. "If you told on him. You told on us. But you didn't. That was good. You gotta keep doin' good, Lizzie. You gotta tell me if there are any places I forgot to look in this little town of yours. Someplace big where my brother might hide something from me." Liz shook her head. She didn't know anything. Surely Lannie could figure that out. She would do anything to make Rath stop hurting her. "Come on, darlin'. Tell Lannie where her brother hid It. Rath has got some pretty amazingly fucked up ideas of fun. I speak only words of truth to you, darlin'. You don't sleep. You don't eat. You don't piss… not until I say so and I won't until you tell me."

"I don't know. I don't know anything." Liz cried and Lannie let go of her face. It was coming and the sound that came out of her mouth was part gasp and part scream. Rath let her go and she fell onto the floor hard enough to make a new cut or two on her face and aggravate the old ones on her stomach.

"Let's get cleaned up. Nicky got a hold of Zan by now. He's gonna meet with us and we're gonna show him what suffers if he holds out." Lannie stood up. "We gotta get out of this town."

"Please. Please just let me go. I won't tell anybody." Liz pleaded as she began sobbing once more.

--

Jim watched the Evans boy pace his front yard with a basketball. He walked a line and then back, not really paying attention. Aside from reading over his statement from that shooting, Jim couldn't say he'd heard of the boy in one way or another since he had dropped the kids off at the orphanage after they were found in the desert.

He had parked his car down the street from the Evans to watch. To see if the boy did anything suspicious but the kid was obviously upset. He kept missing baskets when he attempted to shoot at all. Then the girl showed up. New in town if he remembered correctly. Maybe six months or so. They talked for a minute and Max seemed to grow even more agitated. Jim just wished he could hear what they were saying.

--

"Max. Hey. How goes it?"

Max looked up at the voice. He had met her once but she didn't look like herself tonight. "Ava. You look like Tess."

"Yeah. She needs an alibi or somethin'. Zan's on it."

"Zan took Tess somewhere?"

"To negotiate for your friend."

"I thought Zan said we couldn't trust her." Max scoffed and bounced the ball hard between his hands. "He gives me all this grief about hanging around her and he takes her to alien negotiations. Tess doesn't like Liz. She could care less about her."

"I know. Look… there's a reason I'm here. There's a cop down the street. He's been watchin' you for an hour. He knows somethin's up. I checked out your girl's place. Nicholas used his powers. They know somethin's not right with this. There's a plan."

"A plan?"

"Yeah. I need you to come sit here so we can talk about. You gotta be the boyfriend and I gotta be the girlfriend. It's part of the plan."

"How do I know that I can trust you?"

"Because Zan told me about your friend and I like her. She don't put up with his shit. I like this planet. I wanna stay here. Come on. We'll do whatever you kids do instead of fuckin."

"Tess and I aren't even handholders yet." Max protested even as he sat next to her and placed the ball on the ground. We fight about everything."

"So do me and Zan."

"We fight about having human friend."

"Us too. I got tons… Zan likes to keep to himself."

--

Liz fell to her knees. Her badly bruised knees and she felt some sort of mush action happening there. She was dirty and bleeding and oozing and… she couldn't see because there were headlights in her eyes.

"Nicky! Long time no see." Zan?

"So we do this?"

"Yeah. I go back, we all make out."

"Where's Ava?"

"Don't tell her I said this but uh…" His voice dropped a little. "I met the other one. Whoo… Untouched and… she knows where It is. I figure… all this time… I go home with a bride who wants me… it's all good."

"So we're agreed. Truce until we touch home soil."

"Absolutely. Kivar can have it. I'll put my energy signature on whatever he needs so long as I don't get bothered with the heavy stuff."

"What do you want to do with her?"

Liz's head was pulled back and she could see Zan's eyes for a moment as he looked her over. "She's all beat up. I don't care. Leave her here. I just promised we wouldn't kill her. Ava has this… whole thing about killing humans. It eats me up. I have to get away from the bitch. This one. Tess." There was a shuffling sound off where she couldn't see. "Sold out her own personal Zan for me. It makes the heart tingle."

"Enough mushy human emotions. I wanna go home. Let's go."

"Yeah… we only got… three hours. I already set the timer before our meeting earlier. If I could have found you before you kidnapped the girl… we could have avoided this whole mess. If Ava wants her bad enough, she'll come find her. Let's go."

He let go of her head and Liz sat there, clutching dirt in her hands as two cars were filled and drove away. They left her in the middle of nowhere. She didn't know which direction was which. She was seeing spots. Her knee probably wouldn't hold her weight if she stood. What was she supposed to do? Just hope someone would find her?

Ten minutes. Twenty. It was an hour later when the head lights hit her. She didn't dare move. She heard voices. "We thought we saw something out here… come quick… it looks like it might be a person…"

Liz didn't dare hope. She just didn't dare. She kept quiet and her eyes on the ground. Had someone found her? Then more cars pulled up. Headlights all shining in her direction.

"Sheriff, over there."

"What were you doing out here?"

"We were trying to relax and we took a drive. Tess saw it off the side of the road. She got a feeling. I said we had to call someone before we went off road. I don't know this part very well."

"You did the right thing, son."

Sheriff? Liz picked her head and looked toward the voices. How many people were out there? She had to find her voice. "Sheriff?!"

"Liz Parker?" The question came.

"I'm over here." Her voice cracked on the last word. "I'm over here." She heard the gun click. "They're gone. They've been long a long time. They just dumped me out here and left." She was rambling and crying and nothing looked so good as the concerned Sheriff when he knelt beside her. "I'm hurt. I need a doctor."

"Can you walk?"

"I don't know. My knee."

"Okay. Okay. Just calm down. I'm going to pick you up and put you in the police car." Liz just nodded her head and let herself be carried to the nearest cruiser. "Just sit. Don't move. We're waiting for the ambulance and then we'll go. Alright?" She nodded and tried to stop crying. When he moved to look around, she could see Max and Tess standing by their car. But Tess had left.

Cops milled around, looking for evidence but she blocked that out. She had to know why they were here. Aliens. Isn't that what Lannie had said? "Max?"

"It's okay, Mr. Evans. I don't think anyone else is out here." The sheriff called back.

Max rushed over and looked her over. He looked like he was going to be sick. Liz stared at him, bile rising in her throat. "I only have one thing to say to you, Max. If you ever lie to me again… I will find a way to kill you."

"I am so sorry." He whispered, his eyes filling with tears.

"That's not Tess." Liz looked to the blond. She looked enough like the Tess she had met in school but she knew it wasn't. "Ava? Tell her, she got sold out for a conniving bitch. Tess was using you to go home. Where's home, Max? Mars? Hmm?" Her chest was heaving again but she didn't raise her voice, even thought she couldn't think of a really good reason not to. "Saturn? Pluto? Some unnamed planet around a star in Rigel?" She crumpled and when he put his hand on her, she didn't even think. She snapped up and slapped him across the face. "Don't touch me."

"What happened?" Sheriff Valenti had turned at the sharp crack.

"She's upset." Max stood away from the car, holding his cheek. "They didn't treat her very well." Thankfully the cruisers were all blaring away. Some stopping in certain places to get more light onto the scene and others going off into the desert to try and catch up to the getaway car.

"Men, you push too hard." Ava griped and pulled Max away. "Lizzie, that's your name, right? I'm Ava but you call me Tess. Okay?"

"Liz. It's Liz. Don't call me Lizzie." Liz bit out and her face crumpled into tears again. "He tricked you, Ava. He just wanted Tess so he could…"

"I know. Let's not think about what he did. Okay?" Ava brushed Liz's hair out of her face. "We're going to explain everything. Everything okay? You just gotta trust me. Don't think about Max or Zan or anyone else. Just me. I'm the only one who knows everything okay?"

"How do I trust you? You're…" She stopped. "But you're not like them. You like people? And Zan doesn't like that about you."

"No. That's why I'm here." Ava slid into the cruiser with the battered girl. "Do me a favor. Go to sleep, Liz. Sleep. We'll wake you when we get to the hospital."

TBC

Murder me if you want but you won't get more if I'm dead.

AN: I got distracted by some FOD crap (site stuff, not the story) and I didn't bring any with me to repost tonight but I got some work done on Part 45. By... next Monday it should be done if time permits.

I am Elizabeth Parker and once again, I have survived. There's no bullet hole to show for it this time. There are a myriad of cuts and bruises that will heal and fade away. Maybe I'll scar some. I thought I was confused before…

None of that shit matters anymore.

Liz sat alone in her room for eight hours while the rest of her house slept. She had been asked every question nine times. She had been examined by doctors. Her knee had been operated on. She'd walk again and soon but it was still purple and angry under the bandages. She was on painkillers, dispensed as needed by her mother, who seemed afraid that she might hurt herself if the bottle was in her possession. Suicide was the last thing on her mind. She didn't sleep. She refused the sleeping pills. When she closed her eyes, she saw eyes. Rath's. Lannie's. Nicholas's… and most importantly Zan's. The way his eyes had raked over her and not seen her at all because she wasn't real to him. She was just human.

Aliens live in Roswell. They are not three feet tall with green or gray skin and large irisless eyes. One is six foot tall, fair-skinned, light haired and has an affinity towards Metallica and tall leggy blondes who also happened to be an alien. My best friend, my ex-boyfriend. Max Evans is an alien. They came out of these incubation pods back in 1989. They looked like six-year-olds. They looked human. And it's been that they've walked among us, hiding themselves for fear of exposure. I'm not quite sure I believe it but that's the speech Max gave outside my window last night. I wouldn't let him in and I wouldn't go out there. I didn't do more than open the curtains so I could see him as he talked.

Liz ignored the stares and the whispers as she traversed the hallways. She moved from class to class. Her teachers were careful not to comment and treat her differently. She turned in her make up work and took more assignments. Alex followed her from class to class, carrying her book bag so she could work her crutches. He and Maria were very careful not to stare at her too long or to ask her too many questions or try too hard to involve her in conversations that she didn't feel like participating in. They were being good friends.

Ava wants to talk to me and I want to talk to her but… I can't. I don't want to know. I don't want to tell her that her boyfriend ran off with her identical twin cousin so he could have a fresh bride and play figurehead on a far off planet. Her home where now she can't go. I can't look at Michael and Isabel. I get these anxiety attacks. I just… throw myself into my school work. Getting A's never seemed like so much work before but, I never had to do it with a busted knee before, fighting the effects of painkillers to read a coherent sentence.

Liz sat by her window and pretended to read when Max brought Ava to her window. She could hear them arguing.

"Just talk. She can hear you. She feels safer with the window between you two." Max explained to the girl, who was still doing a Tess impersonation.

"I feel stupid." Ava shrugged him off but sat next to the window. "Heya, Lizzie-girl. I hope you're doin' aight in there. Um… we talked to that doctor friend of yours. He said that you're pretty bad off. I was thinkin'… maybe you let Max in and he can make you feel better… or you could come over. I'm stayin' with Mikey. We could do the healin' and the talkin' over there."

Liz swallowed thickly. She reached up and pulled the curtain closed.

I do know that I have to tell the Sheriff. He's got questions that aren't entirely related to my abduction. Dad said he had taken my journal for prints. Some of the words are smeared around where Max's blood was. I have to cover for them.

Valenti paced the Parker kitchen. The girl had agreed to speak without her parents present. He was sure they'd have his badge if they heard the questions he was about to ask the girl. She sat there, sipping water and staring at her medication as if she didn't want to take it. She looked up at him with those eyes. She knew something. "What did you find?"

"Pardon?"

"You took samples from my journal. I did the same. What did you find? I couldn't get anything conclusive because I waited so long and they were even older when you got your hands on them. Did you compare them to the samples from my kit?"

"Actually, yes." He took a seat to look at the girl. "Is this why you were…? Was it because of the sample?"

"Not really. It wasn't because I had the blood in the book. It was because I was there when it happened. I didn't understand what happened but I got taken all the same." Liz sipped her water slowly.

"What are they?"

"I don't think you should know." She shook her head. "I just wanted you to know that you should leave those parts out of your report and not to expect you'll catch them."

"Them?"

"The three that took me or the two they left with. All gone." She looked up at the older man. "I never told anyone what I saw that night and I'll never tell anyone what all happened to me out there. I can only hope that the people I already trust will keep me safe."

"I'm going to come out and say it. Are we talking about aliens? Evil aliens?"

"The evil ones are the ones that are gone, Sheriff. Anyone left, is better left alone." She picked up her pills and swallowed them before picking up her glass again. "I was a pawn, Sheriff. I was being held so that the driver of a ship of some kind would show up and pilot the thing home. When they got what they wanted, they left me in the middle of nowhere."

Jim thought about what she said. "Anyone left on Earth who shouldn't be here was left because they weren't evil enough to face whatever is up there."

"As far as I can gather." It would take twenty minutes for the pills to kick in and drive away the pain in her knee. "Let's just say that one… alien's interest in humanity is the only reason I'm alive right now. She's… I owe her my life. I don't have all the facts but the other people who are involved… They don't deserve to have their lives destroyed over something they could not prevent."

I'm Liz Parker and eventually it becomes impossible to ignore the elephant in the room. I avoid Max, Max respects my wishes but people start to notice when you don't talk to your best friend anymore. So I have to do it. Tomorrow, I will talk to Max.

The hall was empty. Liz waited. She took forever getting her books together, adjusted and readjusting her stuff until finally, it was just the two of them in the hallway. When she gave up and decided to go home. Max rushed to her side and took her bag so she could walk without the burden. They remained silent until they reached his Jeep. He put their things in the back and when he moved around to help her into the seat, she could see that his eyes were red. Crying or not sleeping, maybe. He looked her over. "Have you been eating? You're kind of light."

"When I remember. My painkillers make me forgetful and numb stomach pains too."

"We'll stop and get something to eat then." Max nodded and moved around to jump into the driver's seat. "I've missed you, Liz. When I found out, I wanted to go out there and bring you back but I knew Nicholas would just kill me. I would never let him have the Granilith and I couldn't lie… not with your life in the balance."

"Could we just go someplace and order delivery? I don't feel like seeing people."

"Sure. Michael's working. We can go there." Max waited for her nod and steered them in that direction. "Liz, I have some stuff to tell you. There are still some things you don't understand about what went on in the desert that night. I want you to promise you'll let me explain once we get to Michael's."

"I promise." She nodded. He shut his mouth for the remainder of the short trip. He insisted on carrying her into the apartment. He set her in a chair and moved to shut the door. Liz squinted into the dim apartment but there was definitely a figure asleep in the corner. He had some pretty bad burns on his back. "Zan?"

TBC

I'm Liz Parker and I cannot describe my state right now. I agreed to go with Max so that we could talk. I never in a million years thought that I'd see Zan there… or that I'd have anything to do with him after what he's done.

"Zan?" Liz peered at the prone figure.

"This is what I needed to explain to you." Max leaned over to examine the still figure and then found himself a seat. "He was hurt pretty badly."

"But he left. He went to Antar with Tess and Rath and Lannie and that little shit Nicholas." Liz's voice rose but she quieted when Zan seemed to stir at her outrage. "I heard him. He was going so he could sleep with Tess and let Kevin be king. He was disgusting. He said he would have killed me if Ava hadn't made him promise not to."

"Liz, you promised." Max pressed and held his hands out to her. "Can I explain?"

"ok, but know that I am not happy and I am not trusting much." She never took her eyes off the man on the bed of blankets or the burns that covered his back.

"When Zan left here before, he was going to find Nicholas and kill him. He warned me to stay away from Tess and he warned you to run if you saw Nicholas, remember that. We just didn't think he'd come after you at home when we weren't expecting it. When we figured it out… about five in the morning when the news came on… Zan took off. Ava stayed behind. Tess had been acting kind of funny and I didn't think anything of it. When Zan came back from his meeting with Nicholas, he was stressing out about the Granilith. I had never heard of it. Before I knew it… they were gone. Then the sheriff came around asking questions. Then… Ava came to tell me the plan." Max took a deep breath. "Zan had run with Nicholas before and so… the plan was… to act like he was going to run with him again."

"But…"

"Liz. Listen." Max tried to placate her. "Tess told Zan she knew where the Granilith was. Told him that she'd go with him, be with him. So… he told Ava to stay here and pretend to be Tess. He'd go save the day. So… after they left you… they drove out to the Granilith. Zan pulled Tess aside while it was warming up… and… he snapped her neck. Then… he was getting Lannie and Rath inside… and he broke off the crystal that turns it on. There was a fight. Nicholas and Zan mostly. There was an explosion and we barely pulled Zan out of there alive the morning after you were found."

"It's been three weeks." She stared at the wounded man-boy. He looked like such a little boy with his eyes closed like that.

"I've been trying to help him but… all he seems to want to do is sleep. I thought it was best to leave the burns open to air." Max explained, rushing forward when she didn't seem like she was going to yell. "I'm not so good at the field medical stuff. I've been trying to read but, I'm missing something probably."

"Bring me some gauze and some water or something to clean off all this mess." Liz pushed herself to her feet and settled herself on the floor next to Zan rather awkwardly since her knee was still on the unbendy side. "Why is he on the floor?"

"He was oozing before, it's stopped now, and he didn't want to get the bed dirty. He's much better now than he was." Max found the first aid kit they had bought just for this and went about gathering everything else they had been using. "I never paid much attention in health to first aid."

"They don't look so bad but they're open in places and dust and germs can get in there and he'll get an infection." Liz grimaced as she worked but her angle was awkward. "Is he in a lot of pain?"

"Some but… aspirin doesn't help enough. Once you get down to the flesh, he'll wake up and you'll have to stop." Max warned.

"You tried something more numbing? Alcohol?" Liz murmured as she used a q-tip to lift some infected matter from the edges of the wound.

"It gets… we don't mix with alcohol very well. Just a little will knock me on my ass. Too much and we go all flutterbug." He held out a trash bag for the waste. "That's been the main hold up. The pain."

Liz thought for a moment and reached into her pocket and pulled out a pill. "If I give him a quarter dose… do you think it would knock him out?" Max just stared at her. "Two of these keep me from feeling pain for six hours. I can move and function just fine but… My leg doesn't hurt so bad."

"Just a piece. A small piece." Max told her. "A very small piece."

"You cut it." She handed him the pill. Taking a deep breath, she shook Zan gently. "Hey… you… Zan. Wake up." His eyes cracked open and seemed to glare at her. "I'm going to give you something. I want you to stay awake, though. Understand?" He nodded. "Come on. Let's get you into a good position to swallow. Okay?" He nodded and lifted himself up enough for Liz to move onto the makeshift bed and lay him across her lap. Both she and Max held him up to swallow the sliver that Max had cut off the painkiller and some water.

I have no intention of forgiving Zan but I've learned a little something or two about pain. If I ever want to get anything from Zan, he has to be alive. He has to be able to talk to me. He has to be able to hear me when I let him have it. I want him lucid. So I helped him.

"Not such a bright idea, now." Liz nodded to Max from where she still sat on the floor with 175 pound drooling mess on her lap. She leaned against the wall and tried not to get pizza crumbs on her patient.

"I could move him." Max offered.

"And let him drown in his own drool?"

"Liz? Are you… okay?" Max set down his pizza and got to his feet. "I mean, really. I did go and talk to Kelen and he said you were… kind of…"

"I was… for a while. I mean… If it were just Nicholas, I think I would have been mostly okay, you know?" The tears stung at her eyes but she didn't let them fall. She set aside her food, no longer hungry. "He didn't seem interested in me one way or another once he figured out I didn't know anything… it was… Rath… He wanted to… play." She sniffed. She hadn't been able to talk about it to anyone without telling them about who Max really was. "And Lannie… she was mostly concerned with what hurting me would do to Zan… what it would make him do and I thought… We hate each other. He wouldn't care… and when… he grabbed me before they left… I… knew he didn't give a shit."

"Liz, you don't curse." Max chided her.

"I do now… the words just… roll off the tongue. Shit feels better than damn, which feels better than darn. So… I'm gonna go with the former." Her knee was aching. "Max? Some water and a pillow for my leg?"

"Sure. Sure." Liz pulled the other pill from her pocket and swallowed. She's been trying to wean herself off and she had been keeping one pill at every dose her mother gave her. She took the glass when Max handed it over. He lifted Zan just enough to get the pillow under her knee. Shaking his head, he began unraveling her bandages. "You have to let me… just a little. The tendons at least. How did it happen?"

"He holds 'em down." Zan murmured, his eyes still glassy. "Back of the knee so they can't get away. Can't kick. Rubs on the ground, hurts. Strugglin' makes it worse. Knee caps are tender under the bone."

Liz forced herself to take another drink of water. "Then… Lannie used her nails to make me scream." Before either could stop him, Zan placed his hand directly on her knee. A warm glow engulfed his hand. Liz gasped as she felt the sinews strengthen, muscles wind together, skin firm, and blood rushing through newly repaired veins and then…

"Ah." She breathed. Her eyes didn't see the room anymore. First they saw that night, Zan hadn't just grabbed her head, he had healed the fried parts of her brain and she had just been in too much pain to notice. Then she saw him kissing Ava goodbye, feeling as if he would never see her again. Then it all came too fast to distinguish a timeline. Running with Nicholas. Hurting people. Saving Max. Making love. Coddling his sister. Snapping Tess's neck. Burning. Horsing around with Rath. Hurting a brown-haired girl and liking that she liked it. Fighting with Rath. Burning. Shoving Lannie against a wall. Falling into the sewers, scraping his knee. Granilith turning on. Corset girl. Rath and Lannie beating at the inside of the Granilith. Kissing Tess and trying not to vomit. Discovering Tabasco sauce. Fighting. Discovering his penis. Burning. Touching Ava. Burning. Stealing. Screwing. Burning.

Max pulled Zan's hand off when he couldn't get Liz's attention. It had only been a few seconds but she looked dazed. "Liz?" When she let out a sob, he reached over Zan. "Liz?" She shook her head and tried to shove Zan off her lap. "Liz?"

"I can't." She pushed and Max pulled Zan off and she scrambled away, her knee giving no protest. "I can't be here with him."

Somehow, I saw into Zan and it was a scary place. Those things Zan mumbled to us about Rath and his… pattern. He forgot to mumble that he taught Rath how to do that. That Zan used to do that to girls. That he can hate with such fury his own flesh and blood. Zan is not a good guy. He's never been a good guy. On a scale of one to ten, of Alex to Nicholas, he rates an eight. I'll admit that he's not the worst guy I've come into contact with but he's pretty far up there.

Liz sat in the Jeep with Max wound fresh bandages over her knee. They had to keep up appearances. She listened to him talk. "When I found out, I couldn't breathe and then when I found out who had taken you… Liz… I just wanted to run out there but Zan… has kind of usurped all authority and I tend to cave to him because he's been dealing with all this the longest. Liz… what happened in there?"

"Have you ever… seen inside someone?" She watched his face and he avoided her eyes. "You've seen inside me?"

"And April… sometimes Tess. Mostly only when I'm making out with someone. If… things are intense, I get a vision or a flash. Just a moment of time." Max rambled and taped up his wrap-job.

"Anyone ever seen inside you?"

"Tess said but I don't put a whole lot of faith in any she told me." He shrugged and grimaced. "Ava just the once but it was weird."

"You kissed Ava?"

"It was a thing." He shook his head to clear it. "Why do you ask?"

"Zan… he's… not a good guy." Liz managed to get out. She wanted to cry but she wouldn't. Not again. Not now.

Max sat on the floor next to her. "He's got a shady past, I know." He met her eyes for a second. "When he healed me, we exchanged some memories. He's not a saint. Far from it but he's turned around. You know? He's had a lot to deal with."

"He enjoys pain." Liz shook her head. Her head hurt. "I know that he fixed my brain and he saved my life but he's partly responsible for what happened. He joined up with the bad guys for a little fun… He got out too late, if you ask me. He led Nicholas here as much as he was followed."

"That doesn't make any sense."

"Neither is me knowing that, Max. I mean, God. Aliens. You're an alien. Do you know how it sounds when I have to remind myself that it was an alien who…?" She crumpled into tears finally and let Max pull her into his arms.

"He's not calling the shots anymore. Far from it. His plan worked. Nicholas is dead. Rath and Lannie are hopefully dead or on their way to being dead. I will not let anything happen to you ever again." He held on tight and cried with her. All that he had held in, keeping secrets from her, worrying about her, longing to tell his best friend something real about himself. "If you hurt, I want to fix it. I want you to know that you are safe."

I don't know how exactly my new knowledge fits into my old life. Can I have that sense of normal anymore? Will I always be wondering what Zan is gonna do to screw it up? Or if Max is gonna keep his promises to me? How do I go on from here? How do I proceed with my life knowing what I know?

TBC

I'm Liz Parker and I am dying so slowly on the inside. I just feel so claustrophobic. Like the walls are closing in on me but I can't go outside because I'm becoming agoraphobic, something my parents aren't helping with. To go out into the world always with my mom or my dad or with Alex or Maria. I didn't have that fear once and I want it to go away. If I don't do something soon, I fear for myself. I have to make myself go out there, even if it kills me.

Liz rushed out onto the sidewalk and took a big deep free breath a few seconds before her father rushed after her. She pretended to limp away from him, he still thought her knee was injured. She needed space. To walk around… alone. He was always hovering and he wouldn't let her work anywhere except behind the counter where she wasn't in the way and she could sit. Even then, only for a few hours at a time during the dulls. "Can you just stop? I'm tired of my room and the apartment. I just need to be alone outside of the house for a little bit."

"Lizzie, come on. Come back inside." Jeff sighed heavily, eyeing strangers as if they might be the next ones to take his daughter and do something devious to her.

"I can't stay inside forever." She turned in a circle. "It's daylight. No one will take me in broad daylight, Dad. I've got my cell phone. I'll be okay. I just… need to take a walk. Get some… perspective."

She watched him debate it in his head. He glanced around. It was a Saturday morning. It was pretty out for October. He'd love to be outside if he didn't have to work. He reached out and pulled her into his arms and kissed her forehead. "Okay. Call me every half an hour. Okay?"

"Every half hour?" Shocked that he was letting her go and shocked that the time limit was so short and a little grateful that he hadn't said every five minutes.

"For my own sanity. I don't want you alone. Okay? Every half hour and let me know where you are." He felt a little relieved at her nod. "I love you, Lizzie."

"Dad… can… you not call me that anymore?" She looked up at him, her eyes wet. Her childhood nickname held no safety for her anymore. "Anything but Lizzie."

"Only thing I got is Jelly Bean." He warned her, his eyes going wet at the implication of her request. They had ruined the name he had always called his daughter.

"Jelly Bean is fine." She laughed softly. It was a silly name he rarely used way back when and had abandoned it when she had hit 11. "Love you, Daddy. Every thirty minutes, starting now. I'll be careful. Crowded places, plain view of everyone."

"Okay." Jeff nodded and let his daughter go.

Liz could feel his eyes on her all the way down the strip. The park. The park was so inviting and there were people everywhere. Safe. She checked the clock on her phone. 25 minutes to check in. Sitting on a bench, she watched little kids run around screaming and yelling. They didn't know about aliens. They were just having fun. She felt the presence behind her but chose not to fear. Max said the bad guys were gone. Whoever it was, they probably wanted to sit or watch the kids. They probably had nothing to do with her. The world did not revolve around Liz Parker.

"I see we've upgraded to park benches." Came the familiar voice. Familiar did not always mean safe though. Liz fought to keep calm. "And daylight. I approve."

"Go away." Liz managed. No crying, she pleaded with herself. "Please… leave."

"Parker…" He started.

"Michael, can we not do this right now?" She kept her eyes fixed on her shoes. If she looked at him, she'd freak out. She could already feel an anxiety attack coming on. Her breathing picked up when he moved around the bench. "Please?"

"Hey. Look at me. I need to ask you something." Michael tried to get her to look at him but she moved her head to avoid seeing his face. "Hey! I'm talking to you." He grabbed her by the arms and she gasped, pulling back with such force the bench rocked beneath her.

"Don't touch me!" She screamed and tried to climb over the bench. She looked up and all she saw was Rath and he had his hands on her, trying to keep her from getting away. "Let go!"

"Get your hands off her." A voice broke in. Michael turned to find the voice's owner. He let go of Liz and she bolted, smashing her foot down on his on the way. She ran to the other end of the park, hiding behind a maintenance building. She sobbed into her hands. The next hands that settled on her body were familiar and safe. When she looked up, there were blonde curls. "Look, Cherry Pie, Mikey's okay. He didn't realize and I made him promise not to try to find you again."

"Ava?" She croaked, her voice was hoarse.

"You remembered. Good." The girl cracked a smile and sat on the ground with Liz. "He's a man. He doesn't understand." She excused Michael again. "He knows that Rath and him… are the same face but he doesn't understand the trauma. How it feels to be afraid of something that isn't there but that lingers there on the corners of your mind." Her clothes were Tess's but the fingernails, definitely her own. The fingers brushed back Liz's hair and dried her tears. "There. It's okay, Cherry Pie." Liz leaned heavily on the girl. Yes, Ava had been there when the Sheriff came. Ava was safe. "I knew I liked you. You almost kicked Mikey good back there when you pulled back. I would've paid money to see that. I hope Isabel gives it to him good one of these days. Someone needs to take him down a peg. That foot stompin' barely fazed him."

They were both startled when her phone rang. She laughed a little when she saw who it was. "It's my dad. I was supposed to call him." She cleared her throat and wiped her face. "Hi Daddy… I know… I got caught up… No, I found a friend… Yes, I'm still your Jelly Bean… Love you, call you in one hour… Please, Daddy? … One hour… Okay. Bye." Liz let Ava stroke her hair for a moment. "Thank you."

"I just wanted you to know that if there's any one of us that you can trust, it's me. I ain't goin' nowheres." Ava took a deep breath, studying the brunette next to her. "Listen, I know you're all… skittish but you didn't really give my boy a chance. He was all doped up and didn't know what he was doin'. It took him a couple of days to get back to hisself after that dose you gave him. Personally, I liked him that way. He's conscious now and he's eaten some and he don't remember what he did the other day…"

"He healed my knee and…" It was a little difficult to put into words what Zan had done… what Liz had seen inside him. "… made me look inside him. Who he was, the life he's had… things he's done…"

The blonde girl seemed to sympathize with that. "It was an accident. He didn't mean for you to see that stuff."

"Why do you stay with him?" Liz sat up and looked at the girl. Her blue eyes darkened a little. "If you know even half the things he's done… why?"

Ava drew her knees up to her chest and leaned against the shed. "I stay. I know what he's done… all the bad stuff… but all of the good. I love him." She lifted her eyes to the scared girl beside her. "Even though he won't give me all of him… I love him."

"How?"

She ducked her head, eyes on her knees. "I've grown up with him. He was the first face I saw. We were young. Seven or eight, I guess. But I came out of my pod and there he was wiping the goo from my eyes and pulling me to my feet. I was in love in that minute… about the fourth second of that first minute."

I never thought the one person in the world who I thought had the most reason to hate Zan… would be the one to make me give him a second chance…. Third. Fourth. Whatever. Another one. Listening to Ava talk about the aliens in our lives was relieving. I know she's an alien but she's human…

"You were in love when you were eight?" Liz whispered, her eyes on the clock on her phone, counting time but listening pretty hard to Ava.

"So was Max… but we was talkin' bout Zan." She shook her head and her blonde curls turned various colors. Blue, black, pink and green. "I'm programmed to love him but I really do, it couldn't hurt so bad if I didn't. He took care of us all in those first months. Stealin' clothes and food and keepin' us from bein' taken by social workers from places we squatted in. He learned how to talk from listenin' to people in the sewers and then he taught us. We didn't have anyone. Zan was mother and father and brother and all that… when we hit puberty, we… just let it come. The memories, the instincts, the urges. I was twelve the first time we had sex. We didn't have a clue what we was doin' but we had dreams and they was hard to ignore. That was the last time that I can say I was innocent, you know? When the things we did were because we were discoverin' what it was to be human and alien at the same time. We was new and left to ourselves.

"When Nicholas found us, we took to him cause he looked older and he seemed to know what he was doin'. He was alien. Like us. And he looked human, like us. Not of this earth at the very least, despite the differences our memories showed us. He took us out of the sewer and showed us what the Skins were up to. He wanted us to be on the same side and… he taught us that Human was beneath us but… I couldn't take it. I couldn't take all the destruction and I was afraid of my own power. I ran away… but Zan was addicted to the power… and the girls throwin' themselves at him. When Zan found me again, he was so different."

"Different?" Liz breathed.

"He knew everythin'. You know? He… had gotten used to the Skins and the role he was playin' but after a while, it was Humans he was hookin' up wit and… hurtin' but he didn't really know different. See, Skins like pain because it's the only thing they really feel in those bodies they got. I think he saw Rath kill one of the girls. One of the humans. He tried to stop it. He's never told me all of it. I think maybe she begged for her life. He was in a bad way when he came to me. He was sick of it. Sick of bein' this person that he let Nicholas turn him into." She kept her hands on her knees and seemed to be staring at her feet through her own legs. "He was a mess and… just… lookin' to undo all that he had ever done to me. We made love for the first time after that. That movie stuff, you know? Not just the deed. This time we knew what we're doin' and what felt right but he didn't let me in. I gave him everythin' I had and he stayed… just out of reach. After that, he was set on gettin' us out of this mess. It was… maybe a year and then we had to come down here because Nicholas was pissed when he figured out Zan wasn't goin' back."

"But the things he did." Liz protested. In her mind, the images were too easy to recall. That brown-haired girl… or girls, if she thought about the images hard enough. Maybe it was because they reminded Liz of herself. Small brunettes with small bodies.

"I know. He told me… I love him, though. I trust him… like you trust Max." Her eyes shot to her companion, who didn't meet her eyes. "You do. You trust him."

"Yeah. He's my best friend."

"He thinks about you all the time." Ava admitted and took the girl's hand. "You have no idea how much they both were beatin' themselves up over you."

"How do you know?"

"I kissed Max, pretending to be Tess… He knows now but… I could feel it… and Zan doesn't hide too much from me. When he went out there… I could sense it. He was worried… and he was really sayin' goodbye." Ava wiped at her eye. "But he knew… that Max ain't prepared for this life. He wants to keep Max innocent. It's important."

"Why?"

"I don't know why Zan does anythin'. He knew that Max couldn't kill Tess… so he got her to admit she knew things she hadn't told Max. He got her to go with him to meet Nicholas… and then he killed her. That's what Zan does. He does the things that need to be done." Ava stressed that last sentence and squeezed Liz's hand. "He really just wants to be left alone and maybe now… we will be. It's just him and me now… and all you guys… goin' to school, maybe to college…"

"And I want to. And I want it over but… Sometimes, it just gets to me. Seein' Michael, like today and I can't look at Isabel either. I see them and I can feel Rath and Lannie's hands on me. Max… He wants to help but he can't. I have to do this alone. Forget Zan. I tried."

"You helped him, though. I don't know enough about healin' and Max couldn't… maybe because they the same. The dead skin he could poof away but the real stuff… you helped with." The two sat in silence until Liz had to call her father to reassure him that she was still alive. "He loves you, your dad."

"Yeah." Liz nodded.

"I always wondered what that was like. To have old people that were responsible for all the stuff that Zan was too young to understand we needed." Ava shook her head and took a deep breath and her mouth curved up at the corners. "You kissed Zan?"

"No." She shook her head.

"But you got the memories. Only happens in a kiss."

"He touched my knee. I definitely didn't kiss him."

"And here I thought Max was tryin' to spare my feelin's. So… he healed you and just… forgot to back out?"

"I don't know how it happened. He was… drooling on me one second and the next…"

"He probably passed out. He's stupid. He don't always admit it but he is."

"Why are you so nice to me?" Liz whispered.

"Cause I like you. I liked you from the second that Zan told me there was this girl that wouldn't break… that snapped at him when he questioned her relationship with Max." Ava made an unladylike snort before rolling her eyes. "Girls kind of trip all over themselves when they meet him. I like the ones that don't." Liz smiled at that. "He already thinks he's the universe's gift to women… you should smile more often. You're really pretty when you smile."

"Thank you."

"Come on. I promised him I'd bring him back some real food. I’m lookin' for the best pineapple and green pepper slice in this little town. Help me look for it?"

"Sure."

I really like Ava. Besides feeling safe when she's around, she just makes me feel good. I want to trust her because it's pretty much gone without saying that I can't say anything to Maria or Alex. They just think I'm traumatized and I am but it's like when I saw Kelen in the hospital. I didn't want his pity. I wanted to tell him everything but no one would have believed me. I am not as out of it as people think but even though I kind of told the Sheriff… I can't talk to anyone human about what's going on in my life… Ava is an alien but she doesn't seem like one. She hasn't lied to me or used me like everyone else has. Maybe it's because even though I know the truth, I still have this idea in my head that she saved me. Zan implied Ava was weak for liking human beings but for me, it's her strength and saving grace.

Zan looked up when he felt Ava coming. She was an hour and a half late. He hated to admit he was getting worried. He was starving and she promised the best slice Roswell had. He was not expecting her to walk around that corner with Liz. The two girls, arm in arm, laughing. Ava glared at him, and set the box in front of him. "His royal pain in the ass's lunch." Her eyes narrowed even as she shucked her jacket. "It's too cold for you to be out here."

"I feel good." Still, he let her drape her jacket over his shoulders. It was kind of chilly in the shade. "We got comp'ny."

"I ran into Miss Liz." Ava announced and took a seat at the picnic table next to him. They were across the street from Michael's apartment complex. "She agreed to come with me. Keep me company while you make a pig out of yourself."

"Hi." Liz offered and sat stiffly.

Zan flipped open the box and stared. "There's a piece missing."

"I had to taste it. Make sure you weren't being poisoned." Ava whacked him on the arm. "Greedy."

"I was kiddin'." Zan pressed a kiss to her upper jaw. "Thanks."

"Thank Liz, she paid." Ava whispered even as she pulled a handful of red pepper packets from her pocket.

"Thanks." He said after a moment. He took a bite out of a heavily peppered slice and moaned his thanks again. "Isabel's like Mini-Mom. No kiddin'. She had me on fluids for weeks and this week it was chicken soup. I need me some solids."

Liz watched Ava scoot very close and kiss his jaw line as he chewed. His free arm wrapped around the slight girl. Max and Tess had sat like that at lunch once or twice. Her head on his shoulder, his arm around her, nothing but clothes between them. Her phone rang, startling her out of her thoughts. "Damn it."

"You forgot again." Ava giggled and gingerly lifted Zan's sleeve to check on his bandages, to make sure that the oozing had indeed stopped.

"Hi Dad… I'm sorry." Liz sighed but smiled as her father lectured her. She could hear his heart wasn't in it but she had promised to call. He had even given her an extra ten minutes before he had picked up the phone. "I'm down on Oak… Yeah, the little park… Having pizza with friends… Two… on foot… I'm ok…" Liz blushed because her father kept going on and on and neither of her companions took their eyes off of her. She turned away. "I know… I know… I love you, too…. OK. Dad! … yes, sir… yes, sir! … I'm not making fun… I'll see you at home. Bye, Dad."

"Aw. That's cute." Ava told Zan, rubbing his belly. Zan grunted something, his mouth full of pizza. "It is good, huh."

Liz just watched the two of them while Zan ate his fill. He looked like such a little boy when he closed his eyes to enjoy the pineapple and red pepper. Ava had explained the flavor to her when she ordered the pizza. Liz didn't get it and she was sure she didn't want to, especially when she saw Ava sprinkle some sugar on the pizza and how excited Zan got when she held the slice out to him. Yeah, like a really big kid. It was hard to put this easily amused teenager in front of her in the place of the deviant who had committed atrocities. They were the same person but… not.

Despite being injured, Zan managed to command the area around the picnic table. A jogger passed through, leering at Liz and Ava, and learned his lesson when Zan rose from the table and didn't do more than flex his arms. The jogger sprinted out of the immediate area.

We ended up not talking much about anything important but I left without wanting to vomit just by Zan guiding me across the street. When he said goodbye, he looked at me and I got the impression that he was trying to apologize but he couldn't form the words. Like Max the last few times I saw him. This lost look that I could only really read by looking him in the eye.

TBC

AN: Thank you to my beta, you're a dear!

I'm Liz Parker and I'm caught between a rock and a hard place. That would be Maria and Ava. I can't deny my new friendship with Ava and I can't tell Maria anything about it. It's not like I don't love Maria anymore… it's just… I can't share THIS with Maria. And Alex is being so petty but I think that's just his hurt feelings.

Maria sobbed into a handkerchief and Alex just sat there, not knowing what to do. Liz looked like she wanted to bolt but couldn't. Maria looked up at them. "I mean, you're not outgrowing me, right?"

"No, Maria… it's not that."

"I realize that you had this… really horribly awful thing, like, happen to you but… I mean… I know that you can't be smiles and rainbows just because I want you to be. You're traumatized." Maria sobbed again, struggling to keep her breath. "I understand that… what I don't get is why… why when you can be smiles and okay… why you're like that with Tess. Tess, who just moved here not six months ago. Tess, who wasn't there for you when you lost out to Pam Troy in the fifth grade science fair even though we both know she cheated. She wasn't the one you cried to when Max broke up with you."

"Maria, I broke up with Max."

"Whatever. You cried about it and I was there." She sniffled and wiped at her nose. "When Tony died, I was there for you. When Freddy and I go up and down and out the window and back again... You're the one I want to talk to and now that I have him back and I want to talk to you… you're running around town with Tess… who is not even pretty and I heard is cheating on Max with his half-brother-cousin person. If you need to talk about what happened, talk to me. I'm here and I want to help you."

Liz paced for a moment and then knelt to talk to Maria. She had to find a reason, not an excuse, that would fly. "Maria… it's not like I share anything with Tess than I don't with you. I don't talk about what happened… to anyone. Tess understands, she can comprehend what happened and I don't need to say a word. She's just… there. She's new, Maria. We don't have a history and I can talk to her and tell her things that you already know. I can listen to her talk about places I've never been. We giggle over Max and his… jean-ironing fetish and that's about it."

"But why can't I be included?" Maria sobbed again.

Liz got to her feet and did a frustrated little dance. "Maria… it's… three's a crowd." What the hell was that supposed to mean?

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Maria bit out. "Three's a crowd. There's three of us right now."

They stared at each other and nodded at the same time. "He doesn't count."

"What?" Alex sat up.

"You're a non-girl. You don't count in this equation." Liz clarified and had to watch as that hit home. "You're a guy but you're not. You're… safe-guy, pal of the gals."

"Enough. I get it. I'm girlfriend. Whatever." Alex huffed and resumed his helpless position on Maria's bed.

"My mom always used to say that two little girls playing was fine but once you got a third girl in the mix, it was a disaster. You and me would be okay. Or Tess and me. Or even you and Tess. But all three of us at the same time… it doesn't work. I know that I'm not your only girlfriend. You've got girlfriends that I don't get along with. We always work things out so no feelings get hurt and… people are okay… Maybe I forgot to make sure you were okay. I don't mean to make you feel bad or like we're not friends because we are. We are still best friends. I told you about the thing Kelen did with… you know." Liz motioned really quickly with her hand so Alex didn't see. "I didn't tell Tess about that. I couldn't."

"She doesn't get your sex stories?" Maria calmed down.

"Of course not. My sex stories are all for you. All five of them."

"Five? I thought there were only three."

"See, I still have more to tell you… like… there were two more times and one of those times is actually a double." Liz winced when Alex grabbed a pillow to hide his face underneath.

Maria giggled and wiped the tears off her face. "I… slept with Freddy."

"Maria! How long have you been back together?"

"Since Friday night." Maria laughed to herself. "I ran into him. We went up to Buckley to talk and… we talked and talked and… kissed and then we…"

"Oh…" Liz breathed and sank down to the floor to sit next to Maria. "Was he romantic?"

"No." The blonde scoffed but smiled anyway. "My mother prepared me well for this event. We don't all get to feel good when the day comes, Liz. It was uncomfortable and Freddy was… Freddy. He hasn't called me when I'm home but he has called. It's on the ID. I've been dying to tell you but when I went over on Saturday, your dad said you went out with Tess. On Sunday, I called and you were with Tess. Monday after school, you were sitting with Tess in our booth."

"Why didn't you call me on my cell?"

"I wasn't sure you'd answer." Maria sniffed. "It's not like he's avoiding me. Baseball intramurals were this week and he's all about baseball. They practice all the time. His mom is sick, I talked to her on the phone. He's taking care of her. He's not being a jerk… officially. I wanted to whine and cry about it and you weren't around."

"But Maria… this stuff sounds like it's older than just this week."

"And it is but…"

"Maria, I would have gladly talked about this stuff. Anything to not talk about the… my stuff."

Alex sat up and stared down at them. "What stuff is it, Liz? Just… say it. You haven't said it. Not to us. Don't hide it from us or use us to hide from it. Say it. You'll feel better." She shook her head, lips pursed together, tears pooling in her eyes. "Did you say it to the cops?" Nod. "To the hospital people?" Nod. "Say it to us."

"I haven't said much to my parents."

"Say it to us first, then you can tell your parents." Alex stared at her, blue eyes unwavering. "Just… say it."

"What do you want to hear Alex?" Liz felt her chin trembling. "You want to hear how I was yanked out of my bedroom by some… punk. How he knocked me out and drove me to I don't know where… where he beat me and raped me while I pleaded for him to let me go. You want to know how the psycho's crazy girlfriend watched and ripped open my knee with her fingernails? Huh?" She couldn't fight the tears anymore. "How I was sod—" Her voice cut off and she crumpled. She shook off Maria when the girl's arms wrapped around her and she pushed Alex away. It took her a minute but she stopped herself. She turned to him. "God, Alex! I was left for dead in the middle of nowhere, if Max and Tess hadn't been out there driving around…" A look of realization settled on Maria's face. It had been Tess who was there when Liz was found, who comforted in those moments before the hospital. "Tess saw what I looked like before they fixed me up. She understands the torment and the raw places and the things I can't say. She doesn't make me say them. Saying them doesn't make them go away and it does not make me sleep any better."

Unfortunately, yelling at Alex did make me feel better and it also made me feel guilty because he was right. So guilty that I had to run to Ava and tell her all about it. I ended up falling asleep on Michael's couch. I blush as I write this but… I saw much more than I was supposed to and I'm not going to write any more than that.

Liz rolled over on the couch and cursed to herself. It was dark and quiet. She searched her pocket for her cell phone but it wasn't there. It had better have been Ava who took it off of her or else she'd have to have a conversation with Max or Zan about a girl's sleeping body and the boundaries of said body. The door opened and a tangled mass of limbs stumbled in and leaned against the door as it closed. A button popped off and landed two feet from Liz as the couple moaned and groaned.

"Hurry Michael, I have to be home soon."

No anxiety related panic this time. Just the panic of someone about to witness something they shouldn't. Liz shut her eyes but not before she witnessed the initial thrust. All she could do was try not to move and try not to hear. She couldn't decide if her hands were better served over her eyes or her ears. Luckily, it was over soon.

There were two clicks when Isabel was set on her feet. Smacking as they kissed in the aftermath. "Michael… do you love me? I mean… really love…"

"I don't know what to call it."

"Michael. Please."

"It's… like… I feel this way about you all my life and suddenly, that way isn't right anymore… like… it's never wrong but…"

"Why does it take you so many words to say it?"

"Look, if sex was all I wanted, I wouldn't have to go to you and feel all confused."

"Why so many words, Michael? I love you. Three. Three one-syllable words. It's a total of eight letters, two spaces. Just once I'd like to hear you say it… but only say it if you mean it. If you mean it the way I mean it."

"I'm not good at this stuff, Iz. You know that."

"If you find my button, save it for me. I like this blouse." The door opened and Isabel clicked out. Liz could hear Michael shuffle around the apartment. Heard a zipper and then spark of a light just before it illuminated the room. Michael froze when he saw her. Her eyes had opened when the light came on. Damn.

His face turned beat red and she expected a shout, not the hoarse words that spilled out of his mouth. "What are you doing here?"

"Ava and I were talking… I think I fell asleep."

"How long you been awake?"

"Her button's there." Liz pointed to the little disc beside the coffee table.

Michael groaned and sank against the counter, hands over his face. "Do not repeat anything you heard."

"Promise." Liz made the Girl Scout salute and pushed herself upright. Where were her shoes? Gone? Same place as her cell she'd guess. She couldn't really do anything but sit there until all three items were returned to her.

"Hey, Liz…" Michael shifted uncomfortably against the counter, not looking at her and wishing he had someplace to hide in his own apartment. "I wanted to say I'm sorry for that day in the park. I didn't realize. I mean, when I saw the guy, I didn't see much of a resemblance." He shrugged helplessly. "The clothes and all but I guess the face and everything… and I didn't know what all… anyway… I'm sorry for scaring you."

"Your eyes are the same exact color except…" Liz made herself look him in the eye when he turned at her words. "Your eyes aren't empty. Not at all."

"Good to know."

"Could you tell Isabel that I'm not scared of her anymore? I don't want to have to explain why but… just let her know." She brought her knees to her chest. "Anyone that has insecurities about love can't hate like Lannie can."

"Well, she'd love to hear that."

"Just don't go invading my personal space… and let me approach you. Zan and Max all know the rules because… I'm still a little… jumpy. They know not to sneak up on me. Always talking loudly and stomping of the feet." They existed in silence for awhile, until the door swung open and Ava bounded in with ice cream. "Hey."

"Hey." Ava let the door catch behind her. "Sorry, Mikey, didn't bring enough for everyone… just me and Liz."

"That's okay, I was just gonna hit the sack." He shook his head and the girls scooted outside and onto the patio to let him sleep.

"What's that all about?" Ava slid a small carton in front of Liz and handed her a spoon. "Why's he all mopey?"

"I promised I wouldn't say…" Liz snickered and gleefully dug into the carton of Vanilla Bean. "Did you take my shoes and my cell?"

"Zan did. He wanted to talk to you when you woke up." Ava pointed to the apartment. "So you're okay?"

"I really can't say… but he didn't know I was there when he came home and… events therein have let me to break my fear of him." She burst into giggles and covered her face with her hands.

"You don't have to say it." The blonde scooted closer to Liz. "Just… think about it." She cupped Liz's face and leaned in.

"Ava, what—" Then she couldn't say anything else. Ava's lips were so soft. Was that her tongue?! Liz couldn't help but just go with it. Ava pulled back with a giggle. "Wow."

"Yeah, wow. Seriously." Ava giggled again and turned to their audience. "Get a nice show, boys?"

Liz blushed when she realized Zan and Max were just standing there, rapt by the two girls who had just been kissing. Zan stared at her just hard enough to make her uncomfortable. He nudged his dupe. "It's always the librarians."

"Shut your mouth and help me eat this." Ava patted the seat next to her.

"Don't let us interrupt. Please… keep doin' whatcha were doin'." Zan still sat and took the spoonful of ice cream from her. "If I can play, too, so much the better."

Liz tried not to let that word affect her but she wasn't so interested in her ice cream anymore or giggling over that kiss or what made them do it. Max sat next to her and handed her shoes and her cell. "Here. Your dad's called a few times. I just told him that you and Tess were having a girl's conversation and I wasn't invading that for all the money in the world."

"I should probably get home." Liz nodded as she slipped on her shoes.

"I'll walk you."

"Thanks." They rose together and turned to tell Ava and Zan only to find them too busy to care. "Bye."

Max just shook his head and led Liz out onto the street, taking the ice cream when she offered it. "Thanks…" They got four blocks before Max brought it up. "So you kissed Ava, huh." Liz blushed and looked away. "That's… an experience, isn't it."

"Yeah."

"She… does that… thing with her tongue."

"And her tongue stud."

"Yeah… that… feels… oddly good." Max stammered and just burst out laughing. "I can't believe we're having this conversation. I never thought I'd be swapping details on a kiss with you."

"It's a little weird." Liz shivered and suddenly Max's jacket was laid over her shoulders. "Thanks." She eyed him. "Zan knows you kissed his girlfriend?"

"Probably by now. It was part of a plan to get you back. I'm forgiven. Why were you kissing Ava?" His lips turned up as she stammered. "Liz. It's okay. I know there was a reason. I don’t expect you just up and started… playing for the other team."

Liz snickered a little. "Um… I promised I wouldn't say and I haven't yet."

"Ah… so you kept it in mind and Ava kissed it out of you. I get it." Max smiled down at her. "It's her favorite pastime. You should have seen when she did it to Isabel. Believe me, I took no pleasure in seeing that." He coughed. "And apparently neither did Isabel. Ava's the alien version of Maria, I think."

"What?" Liz stopped and turned to him. "How do you mean?"

"You know… now Maria's always sussing out the romantic leads and trying to pair everyone up? Like that. She was trying to make sure there were actual feelings between Michael and Isabel and not just… you know… alien chemistry. Wow. That's actually not a metaphor in this case." He shrugged a little and took her arm lightly to get them moving. "Turns out Isabel really does have deep feelings for Michael but Michael is conveniently out of reach of the resident match-maker."

"That's part of what I saw tonight." Liz admitted softly, taking Max's arm. She thought about taking his hand but that might be a little confusing for both of them. "Michael's really torn up about it."

"Is he? He won't talk about it to me."

"Well, it's not what he said. It's just how he acted. Maybe he's afraid of actually being in love. Or maybe afraid of it being alien chemistry. I imagine it'd be a tough call." Liz looked up at Max and she wondered. "How was it for you?"

"You mean with Tess? With… Tess-Tess." Max sighed and looked for a giant hole to jump in but there was nothing but sidewalk. "Alien chemistry. Pure and simple… and a little… alien manipulation on her part. It's different with all of us… Rath and Lannie were mostly alien chemistry but they liked that. Zan and Ava… are half and half."

"How do you mean?"

"Ava is so in love with Zan that it breaks her heart." Max felt his mouth going dry and he let himself look at Liz. "Zan still doesn't know that he's just chemically attracted to her. He wants to be in love with her but he isn't."

"How can you tell?"

"Because… when you and me were together, it was almost perfect. I was attracted to you physically. I got that… tickle when I smelled your hair. When I looked into your eyes… I wanted to fall and never get up."

Liz felt his hands on her arms and wanted to back away but she couldn't. She had asked a question and he was answering her. "And with April?"

"She was cute and I liked that. When… she smelled nice." Max stammered and wished he had some water. "When I looked into her eyes, I knew she knew that what we had was… just attraction. Just compatibility. I wanted it to be more. I wanted it to be something. When I slept with her… it was… a moment thing. We were sitting in her room. There were boxes everywhere. We were talking about hopes and dreams. We had already agreed that we weren't going to have sex because… it would be too hard. But we were talking and it was getting dark and I didn't want to leave her."

"Was it love?"

"No." He shook his head. "It was… two lost people… enjoying a beautiful moment together. I can't regret it. I don't want to but… until her parents came home, it was just me and her, laying together afterward and not having to speak. It was like… we had just said goodbye and maybe she fell in love but I fell out of it."

"What do you mean?" Liz gave in and took his hands when they fell from her arms. "Like you were falling in and then… just out."

"Kind of. I saw her without her walls, Liz, and she was gorgeous. Everything about April Jackson was about hiding her real self from the world. She lived in a shell. Maybe she doesn't anymore. I don't know. She stopped writing in May." Max squeezed her hands and met her eyes. "What I'm trying to say is that I've had three girlfriends… all of very different calibers and I know that for Zan, Ava is great. She's wonderful. He thinks she's hot. He likes the way she looks when she…" Max shook his head, unable to say that word to Liz. "He thinks the world of her but he doesn't love her."

"So maybe it isn't chemical attraction for him." Liz swayed as one of his memories rose to the surface. "When Zan makes love to her, he means it, Max. There is that underlying attraction based on alien chemistry but that alone isn't enough. You know that. You're right. He thinks the world of her. She's pretty, she's sexy. You and I both know she's a good kisser. Zan thinks he loves her."

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying you've had enough experience… however little that it is." She ribbed him gently. "You've learned enough about yourself to know that you almost had it once. You know the difference for yourself. Maybe Zan hasn't touched real love so he doesn't know that he's never had it."

"You are a remarkable human being, Liz Parker."

"Answer me this question. I have a whole list at home but this is one." She cleared her throat. "I realize that I've only kissed three aliens but I wanted to know if they're all great kissers."

The corners of his mouth twitched for a second before he cleared his throat. "How do you mean?"

"Are you good kissers because you're good kissers or is it because you're aliens?" She felt his head dipping towards hers and casually leaned back, still holding his hands. "And I'm still working on this theory about kisses and love-making. If good kissing means good sex. Kelen… wow. He may have been a late bloomer but it was for the better. He claims to be a horny little man but… he gives."

"He gives?" Max furrowed his brow.

"I mean… he gives." She stressed the word. "As my only official lover, I have nothing to compare to but I'm of the opinion that while he is looking for that moment we all have, he makes sure to give as much as he takes." She pulled his hands and their bodies collided.

"You'd have to call April to get her review. She didn't give me one." Then his brow creased and Liz felt bad.

"I'm sure you were fine. I wasn't bragging. The first time I didn't… I don’t know why… it just… didn't happen."

"Are you still… 'seeing' Kelen?" He watched as she shook her head.

"Hey… I meant to ask. Who took my phone?" She bumped his hip with hers, pointing out that the phone had been in her front pocket when she had fallen asleep. "Spill the beans, buddy."

"Well… Zan was gonna but I stopped him… and then I was gonna but Ava stopped me." Max cleared his throat. "I… used my powers to nudge it out far enough for her to grab." His face neared hers. "So, I kinda did but I… didn't put my hand in your pants." His eyes flicked to her lips but he didn't drop his head. "So… you thought Ava was a good kisser?"

"You enjoyed that way too much." Liz let her arms wrap around his waist and buried her head in his chest. That just felt so good. With his arms around her and his jacket over her shoulders, she could smell nothing but Max. "So, what do you and Zan do when you disappear like that."

"We don't really talk much but he teaches me how to use my powers. I'm not so good with them. If I had been kidnapped, I would have died. Nicholas was just… so strong… With Zan as strong as he was and Michael too, it was hard. I have to be stronger than I am so that when Zan leaves, we can still feel safe." He rushed ahead to clarify. "Not that we're not safe but… having him here makes me feel better."

"Maybe because you think he knows what he's doing?" Liz shifted herself under one of his arms and got them moving again. She was going to be in so much trouble when she got home. She had no clue what time it was.

"You think he doesn't?" Max had missed his moment but it was probably too soon, for both of them. "He's always giving me lectures.. so you know…"

"He thinks like you do, Max." She slowed them when the restaurant came into view. "He thinks that maybe you're safe now but maybe not. He wants you to know what he knows about his powers so you aren't so defenseless but the last thing he wants is for you to have to kill someone. Good. Bad. Anyone."

"You feel that from him?" Max's eyes drifted away from her face.

"No. Ava told me." They stepped in front of the restaurant just as the lights shut off. Maybe she wasn't too late. "We all want the same thing, Max. For this to be over… but I think we all know that it never can be." Liz handed Max his jacket and reached for the door. "Night, Max, I'll talk to you tomorrow."

"Night Liz." He called as the door shut and she locked it behind her.

Liz felt dizzy. A couple of times he almost kissed her but never did and she almost wanted him to. She wandered into the back where her father was scraping down the grill. "Hey Jelly Bean. Why did I have to speak to Max and a rude young man when I called your cell?"

"He's not rude… He's playful." Liz shook her head. "Tess and I were talking… girl stuff. I fell asleep and they didn't want to wake me… they all know how I haven't been sleeping so well." She watched him and after that statement, he went back to scraping. As long as she was okay, he didn't have to worry. "You can trust Tess, Max and Zan, Dad. They look out for me."

"So, what did you do tonight?"

"Oh… the usual. I was abducted by aliens, forced to watch them fornicate and shared a hot alien kiss with a female of the species."

Jeff turned slightly. "What was that?"

"Nothing, Dad." Liz smiled and tried not to laugh. "We had some ice cream and Max walked me home. I'm going to bed."

"Night, Jelly Bean."

"Night Dad."

Ava kissed me. It was a sharing of information kiss and so there's no confusion about it. But… she can kiss. Zan's a lucky guy. Max and I are okay, I think. We talked, mostly randomly and we discovered that under that serious and charming exterior is a horndog just like every other guy on the planet. It's comforting. My alien friends are just like my human friends. I think I'm finally comfortable enough to start living again.

TBC

AN: Pressures on. This is part 43 and I'm still sitting on Part 45 elswhere... Soon you'll have to wait on my ups and downs and hope my muse sticks around and inspires on a nearly weekly basis. Monday this board will be caught up... and hopefully 45 will be done so you won't have to wait long.
Sidenote: I was noticing on my feedback and my pm and my email that some people are rather unhappy with Maria. Um... well... The STD way was kind of funny. The nail gun to the foot was humorous. I believe there was something about Maria going to live with Sean. Someone said she should contract mono from Freddy... Just know I'm thinking about it. yeah, even one-eyed willy doesn't cover that. ahem. So Part 43:

I'm Liz Parker and confusion is a mild way of putting it. Perplexed. Bewildered. Confounded. Befuddled is too cute a word. They all mean the same thing. Mixed up. Jumbled up. Put into disorder. The story of my life. It's a reverse Monet. Up close and compartmentalized it's a reasonable thing in all of its separate parts but take a step back to look at the whole and it's just a big blur of nonsense.

Take my parents. I get them. I do. My dad and I had a very nice talk about me not having to go to an East coast school which I take to translate as I can't go unless I get a full ride scholarship or he's never letting me out of his sight again. It could go either way. My mother has decided that three months is enough time for me to deal with some issues and has tried twice to give me a womanly talk. She was going on about how when I finally make love to a man that I really care about that it will be a pleasurable event and there will be no shame attached to it. It was kind of sweet. To shut her up I had to tell her that I knew sex was not a shameful thing and could on occasion knock my socks off. It was childish but I couldn't resist. She was too flustered to yell at me but it's coming. I know it is.

"Mid-terms?" Nancy passed the potatoes to Jeff. Sit down dinners had become mandatory Monday through Thursday for the Parkers, despite all sorts of duties they had to combine to get it done.

"I'm gonna ace them. My calc test is gonna be a toughie but Max is going to get me through it." Liz scratched her knee, the bandages were gone and her knee was healed but she always had to keep it covered so no one suspected anything.

"How serious are you and Max these days?" Nancy put down her fork and stared at her daughter, looking for something, anything.

"Not very. We're friends… good friends."

"Just friends."

"Yeah." Liz looked up to find her mother staring with that look on her face. "Mom! No. We're not even those kind of friends."

"I'm just wondering." Nancy shook her head and picked up her fork. "So, you're not… seeing anyone?"

"Not for a while, Mom." This was not good. Her father was eating and looking over some books, oblivious to their conversation. There was no out.

"You and Jeremy still not speaking?"

"That's an affirmative." Eat, Liz, eat.

"So, no one since Tony?"

"Oh God…" Liz buried her face in her hands. "If you can't ask me in front of him, please don't."

"So, you know what I'm asking?"

Damn it! Liz looked up. Her mother had been bluffing. "So… before I went to Florida, I met someone." She had to cave. She was beat. "A nice guy, we broke up right before…" She cleared her throat and reached for her glass. "You met him, actually."

"I did." Nancy shook her head and resumed her meal, exasperated with her daughter. "I don't recall ever meeting a boyfriend since April."

"No, you did. Um… the intern who delivered my medication. He explained all the side effects of the pain killers. He's the one that played cards with me before the surgery."

"Dr. Najera." Nancy set down her fork and reached for her glass. "You mean, the intern that… Tony's brother." She shook her head and picked her fork up only to put it back down. "You must think you're so smart. You pulled one over on Mom."

"No. It wasn't like that. I just… after… all that… it wasn't important anymore. It was over. We parted on good terms because we both knew that we shouldn't have even started. So, I understand what you were trying to tell me and I should have just come out and said it. I've been… distracted."

"By what?"

"It's this…" Liz groaned. Her mother was good. "Maria hates Tess. Alex keeps being great and asking me on non-dates. Max and Zan have been flirting up a storm. It's a three-ring circus and everyone wants to be in the center ring."

"Oh honey, it just means you've got a life."

"Who's dating Liz?" Jeff didn't even look up from his book.

"No one, honey. More potatoes?"

Maria and Alex are still a little sensitive. I get it, I do. I mean, all that time that I was with Max and I knew he wasn’t telling me something. So I try to make time for them. Friday nights are strictly Maria and Alex time. Movies, popcorn and chat. Sometimes they let Max come along but lately they treat him like the enemy. I know it's hard for them. I'm not always there like I used to be and a part of me resents that they expected me to always just be there. What are they going to do when I go to college?

"So Freddy is working overtime to make me happy." Maria grinned and reached over Alex for some candy. "He bought me flowers the other day and my mom hates that. She thinks it's a bribe."

"Isn't it?" Alex shoved her off his stomach. "I mean, you sleep with the guy after yo-yoing forever. He can't get you on the phone which constitutes a no call. So he's trying to preserve his rights to continue sleeping with you so he buys flowers, he makes nice with your mom and you…"

"Slept with him again." Maria sighed. "But he's being super sweet. You don't even understand. Before he was this brute. This 'I can swing a bat and hit a ball over a fence.' Now he's opening doors and being polite, walking me to classes and helping with my algebra homework."

"He sounds like a catch." Liz reached for her phone and slipped it into her pocket. Two missed calls. Probably from Max. "As long as you're happy."

"So happy." Maria pulled herself onto her knees. "So… Alex… I heard that Marianne Dickson has been eyeing you in gym."

"I fell on my ass. Girls tend to stare with pity in their eyes when you fall on your ass." He flicked an M&M at her. "Let's face it ladies. I am a one hit wonder."

"No, you had Susan and the cheerleader and…" Liz shook her head. "And Debra."

"Debra?" He sat up to look at her. "Debra."

"She drools over you. You do your computer thing and she, like, hyperventilates."

"Hyperventilates."

"She gets turned on by your programming." Liz laughed at him.

"Really." Alex straightened and cleared his throat. "I'm going to have to talk to Debra, then."

"Now… Elizabeth." Maria sang and draped herself over her friend's lap. "I heard that Bernard Engle was totally into you."

"Maria, can we not fix me up just now?" Liz groaned and threw herself back on the floor.

"Why not?"

"Why not?" Liz and Alex asked together, both incredulous.

"Yeah, why?"

"Did you miss the part where I was raped and left bleeding in the middle of the desert?" Liz bit out and almost reached for her cell. She almost dialed Max's number so he could come and get her from Alex's. "Meeting new people isn't a fun thing right now."

"She doesn't want to be touched." Alex laid it out for Maria, plain and simple. He did shoot Liz a glance but she pretended she didn't see it. "Part of dating is touching." Point made. She often shrugged off Alex's well-meaning and innocent touches but she had allowed, on many occasions, Max's more familiar strokes. "Liz will decide when she's ready… then she'll let us know. Then and only then can you attempt a blind date."

Even my alien friends are slightly compartmentalized. Ava is definitely my new best friend. We're trying to phase out people calling her Tess in public. She's phasing in her normal clothes and she's more confident for it. Max and Tess are a couple no longer, which is a big confusing relief for me. Maria made a face when I told her to stop calling Ava Tess. It's skewing her perception of my other best friend but it's going to be easier all around. Maybe.

Ava leaned back and let Liz brush her hair out of the curls it had been in for weeks going on months. "This feels so good. When Lannie did this, she'd get tired after a few pulls. I'd end up with half a head of tangled hair most of the time… I think that's the last time I had my hair like this. When we was little."

"I like it curly. It makes you look your age."

"I don't look my age. I look 12."

"You look young and not so serious." She took a deep breath. Ava had told her to not be afraid to ask questions but Liz was just careful not to be pushing away the one friend she could truly confide in. "What happened to Tess's father? He was a human?"

"Him? Nah. He was a shape-shifter. Zan took care of him."

"He killed him."

"It had to be done, sugar." Ava turned to the human girl. "It's sounds bad but Tess was the way she was because of him. He didn't want Max to do it, so Zan did it. Max ordered 'Mr. Harding' to stay put and not make noise until Zan was better. You helped fix Zan and the first thing he did was get rid of him… I guess technically all that stuff is mine but I don't know what to do with it."

"Well, when 'Tess' turns 18, you could say he ran off. You and Zan could stay here. You wouldn't have to go away. You could go to college… anything you want." Liz tried to help. Zan kept talking about the day they would leave but he hadn't said when and Liz didn't want Ava to go away.

"I'll talk to Zan. Michael don't really complain but it's hard for him and Isabel to find some time alone…" The blonde giggled at the memory of what Liz had heard. "And me and Zan got our own urges."

"See… perfect." Liz smiled and turned the girl back around. "I'm not done."

Ava enjoyed the hair brushing for another few moments before taking a breath. "Zan's been trying to talk to you and you always got to go somewheres. He won't tell me why he's afraid of you."

"He's afraid of me?"

"It's all I can get from him. I think it's because you saw all that stuff from inside him." She shrugged, her blue eyes darkening. "Maybe you should let him see inside you… so it's even… you know?"

"But Ava… I can't." Liz shook her head and pulled away from the girl. "He's your boyfriend."

"That's such a narrow word for what Zan is to me." Ava turned back to the brunette. "It's just kissing. You kissed me just fine."

"You kissed me." Liz reminded her. "And I might have kissed back but this is different. That was for a specific thought. This is letting him run around in my brain and just how much kissing would that take? Do you really want me making out with your boyfriend?"

"No… but… it'll make him easier to sleep next to at night."

"How do you mean?"

"I mean… he heard what you said about him that day you came to fix him. That you blamed him. I mean, you okay around him now but he's got this idea that you might be waiting for him to skeedaddle."

"If I wanted him out of here, why would I hang around you guys?"

"I never said my man was the brightest bulb." She shrugged and pulled her knees to her chest. "It's just be kissing, Liz."

"I can't do that Ava."

"It's just like kissing Max, I promise… well… kind of."

"Which is more of a reason why I should do it. Me and Max… maybe could try again and I think I want that but… if Zan… I don't mean to say that he doesn't care about you cause he does but I don't want to kid myself. Max can kiss. You can fall in love when he kisses you. I wouldn't want to even put our friendship at risk just so Zan feels better."

"I don't see how you guys got much of a friendship. You barely speak to him."

"I was talking about you and me. Our friendship."

"Yeah?"

"Yes." Liz nodded when the girl blushed. "You've had friends before. You told me."

"I've had friends but… not real ones. When you say I'm your friend, it means more."

"Good. But… best friend rule number one is don't make out with her man."

"Maybe you don't gotta kiss him. Maybe theys another way to do it. I mean… we don't know everythin' about ourselves. Zan learned a lot runnin' wit Nicholas… more than I did anyways. I wasn't exactly rarin' to go in the first place but I'd follow Zan anywhere… so long as we wearin' the metaphorical white hats or… gray on the side of white."

"I understand. When you kissed Max… what did you see?"

"You. I don't think Tess liked that much if that's what she saw, too." Ava pulled the brush from Liz's hand. "It's your turn." When Liz turned, she ran the brush through a few times in silence. "Zan really cares about me?"

"He thinks he loves you."

"But he's not sure?"

"No… I guess not. But he thinks you're the best thing that's ever happened to him."

"Really, now." Ava let a wide smile grow on her face. "I can live with that. Stay still. It's been a long time since I done this."

TBC next post

Then there's Michael. We were kind of friends before. Nod or smile in the hall in passing. That was before I knew the truth about him. Now of course, we're both embarrassed, so it makes our encounters a little strained. Ava knows and I think Zan does but no one else and of course Michael thinks I'm the only one who knows. I'm certain that he never told Isabel. So, we don't look each other in the eye, which makes it a little hard to carry on a conversation.

Michael stomped his way to the bench and plopped down on the far end. "Was I loud enough?"

Liz let a grin spread across her face. "Yeah. Loud enough." It was routine now for Liz to spend Saturday mornings at the park watching the kids running and playing on the playground. When you did something so regularly, you learned the faces of the other people who did it, like Mrs. Evans. Occasionally they shared a bench and didn't say a word. Once Max had shown up to collect his mother but she had insisted he sit between she and Liz. After a few awkward moments and some hushed comments from his mother, Max had shot off the bench and pulled his mother with him, muttering a goodbye on their way to the car.

Michael didn't say anything for a long time and so Liz waited, her eyes on the smiling faces running around. "When I kissed you that time… It was a good kiss but it didn't mean anything because I was just proving a point. It was calculated but I felt bad because Max saw us."

That was news. Max had seen that? Liz turned to face Michael but chose to keep him on the subject. She got the feeling he'd use any excuse to avoid the reason he had come to talk to her. "And when you kiss Isabel?"

"I don’t think. I kiss her and I feel like that place where we're touching is the only place I can really feel… Like that's the only part of my body that's awake… like if she's not touching me then…"

"Then you're not alive?" She finished for him. He nodded, meeting her eyes for the first time since that night in his apartment. "That's called love, Michael."

"How do I know? For sure?"

"I don't know, Michael. It's different for everyone but I do know what you mean."

"You're not helping me. I just want to know if this is a human emotion."

Liz wanted to laugh but she didn't. She had seen inside Zan and there was nothing about his emotions that were less than human. Bad or good. "Hate to break it to you but you're pretty human, Michael. Insecurities, love issues, hormones. All the urges to dive into someone else and not come up for air ever… all part of the package along with anger, hate and sorrow."

"Human, huh?"

"I have this theory about being raised human makes you human…" She looked back to the kids. "But it doesn't explain Ava and Zan who turned out human all on their own."

"Maybe they bring it out in each other. See you around, Liz."

Then, of course, there's Max. Of all the ways to feel about him, I’m not sure what I feel. Sometimes when I look at him, I get upset because he didn't tell me for so long. Upset because he can be so damn charming. That's also what makes me smile. He tries to make me feel good without seeming like he's trying. Almost like when we were dating and we were good… or like right before our first date. We have a lot of those moments where we connect and we almost kiss but we don't. I really don't know if I'm ready for that. I want to be but I can't. And the most frustrating thing about Max is that he seems to understand that.

"Can we focus here?" Max tapped the book. He watched Liz sigh and turn her eyes from the window in his kitchen. "We're almost done. We've just got… six more."

"And it'll take hours, Max."

"Okay. We'll take a break." He rose to get them more soda. "You hungry? We could order a pizza… I could pick something up."

"Whatever you want."

"Have you learned nothing? That could be dangerous, Liz." He warned her as he reached for the drawer with take out menus. "I know you like things on the plain side."

"I can handle spice." She protested and took the papers from him. "Not as much as you obviously but I'm not 80. I can eat those red peppers, no problem." She flipped through the menus and allowed him to stroke her back. It felt good after hours of sitting and staring at calculus figures. "I'm sure we can agree on something that you like and won't kill me by way of internal combustion."

"Hey… um… I tried to call you last night." He leaned on his chair and tried not to seem pushy about the subject.

"I know… I meant to call you back but when I was leaving Alex's it was pretty late." She really was sorry but she hadn't wanted the night to turn into twenty questions.

"Alex, huh." He slid into his chair, eyes on their books.

"It was the three of us," she explained briefly. "Just the humans last night."

"Oh… okay." Max nodded and let his hand drop from her back and rest on the back of the chair. Liz bit back a laugh. Alex often had the same question these days. It was kind of sweet but more than a little aggravating at times. "How are you doing?"

"How do you mean?"

"I mean… specifically."

"Oh. That. Okay, I guess. My flinching reflex is better. I'm still hesitant to accept hugs but it's all better than it was. When most girls touch me, it's okay… with guys it's a little different."

"Oh… Does it bother you when I touch you?" He watched her head shake slowly. "Are you being honest?"

"Yes." She turned to him with a smile. "When you touch me, I feel safe." His hand lifted to her face but dropped to her back. He sat up and looked over the menus with her. It wasn't awkward but it was another missed moment. "So, pizza or Chinese?"

"Um… Chinese. Zan is obsessed with pizza. He wants it all the time and then he complains that New Mexicans can't 'bake a pie to save they lives'." He snorted and opened the menu with one hand. "I'm thinking of making him get a job."

"Or let Ava pay for them with Tess's credit cards."

"Hey, there's an idea. Though, I wonder if their signatures are the same." He pondered idly.

"Maybe… So, what did you want to talk about last night?"

"I know what you said you told Valenti and I…" His brow furrowed slightly. "I'm sure it's all okay but sometimes I get the feeling that he's watching me… waiting for me to slip up or something."

"My dad once told me that Sheriff Valenti has the fewest number of unsolved cases in New Mexico. He's a very dedicated officer." Liz took a deep breath. "Maybe he's just curious. I mean… Kyle used to tell me all these stories about his grandfather and alien-hunting. Of course, the fact and fiction are probably indiscernible."

"You don't think I should be worried?"

"If the Sheriff is going to talk to anyone, it'll be me. The evidence is what spooked him and I've assured him of the eviction of our enemies."

"I see."

"He trusts me, Max. He trusts my family. He knows that if he tells anyone that there are aliens, he could lose his badge."

"Okay." He brushed her hair out of her face. "You had a… hair thing."

"Oh." He was so close and she could feel her face turning red. "Thanks."

"Hi kids!" Mrs. Evans burst into the room with grocery bags. "Studying going okay?"

"I'm hopeless." Liz shook her head. Max jumped up to help his mother. "Even all of that genius's explanations are not going to help me out come finals."

"You'll do fine." Mrs. Evans assured her. "Let's not order out again, Max." She pointed to the menus on the table. "Dad's blood pressure is so high and I'm trying not to make a big deal about it but let's try to be there with him."

"Well, you know, his blood pressure started to go up when Isabel started dating Michael openly." Max offered and made a face at the heart healthy food he was pulling out of the bags. "We should make Michael eat the tofu with Dad."

Zan is in a category all by himself. Ava is right. I exist in his presence many times but we don't really ever converse though I can tell he's trying to talk to me. I still have an apprehension about being alone with him but more and more it has less to do with any hostility and just a preference. I don't want to talk about his dark past and I don't feel like opening myself up to him. Max has already admitted that he's seen inside me and Ava said Zan remembered something I said the day I doped him up. I'm just wondering if this connection he formed that day was one-sided at all. Having him in my mind so soon after being tortured… the very idea makes me uncomfortable. I was not in my best mindset in that time. The thoughts I had running through my head were not me, they were a reaction to the situation and the more distance I put between me and it, the more those feelings go away. Drifting away like smoke. Like this veil is lifting and my vision is mine again, untainted and uninfluenced.

Liz shook her head as she waited tables. The guys were at the counter having a contest. It was 50¢ Moon Dog night, a creation due to a mistake on an order form. Her dad was judging the contest because despite the cheap foot-long hotdogs, the night was slow. Alex, Michael, Max and Zan were on their fifth hotdogs. Ava had been in but she had dropped out in the middle of number four. When she heard her father's voice, she turned in disbelief. "That is number six, boys."

"You guys are going to make yourselves sick." She hissed at them. Ava just shook her head and counted out money for her own hot dogs and her drink.

"Maybe you're right." Alex muttered as he surrendered at the beginning of dog six. When he looked over, the other three were reaching for number seven. "This is so gross. How did I get roped into this?"

"I believe you were trying to prove what a manly man you are." Liz slugged him in the shoulder.

Max slapped a five on the table and shook his head. "Keep the change. I'm done."

"Seven hot dogs." Liz shook her head at him. "That's pretty gross."

"Eight." Zan announced as he and Michael struggled to move forward with the contest.

"You're pigs." She hopped up on a stool. It was so slow.

"They're just boys, Jelly Bean." Jeff reassured her.

Zan and Michael froze in mid-chew. "Jelly Bean?" They said together.

"Hey, my daddy loves me. Eat your hot dogs." She instructed them as her father kissed her forehead. She allowed the public displays in front of her friends because she had to. Her dad was trying to stay in her life and… truth be told, she felt better when he was there. "How many are you going to let them eat?"

"How many can they pay for?"

"When they puke, I'm not cleaning it up." She warned him.

"Nine." Zan shoved half the foot long in his mouth after the proclamation and Michael had to bow out. "I win."

"Well, you ain't getting' near me tonight." Ava told him.

"Where did you say you were from, Zan?" Jeff collected the abandoned dogs for the trash.

"Big Apple. The part with the worm in it." He polished off the hot dog and had himself a tenth.

"You have family there?"

"No, that's why I came down here." He put his arm around Max and noisily kissed his cheek. "My cousin."

"Cousin?"

"We think." Max shook his head, wiped off his cheek and turned to the weary Liz. "Movies?"

"Everyone ready?" Liz reached for the tie on her apron.

"Waitin' on you, darlin'." Zan grinned and handed his plate to Jeff.

"Fine. I get it. Go." Jeff rolled his eyes at his daughter. "Not too late. Do not turn off your cell."

"It's all good, Mr. P. We'll get her home okay and make sure she has fun. If she'd hurry up." Zan sent Ava with Liz to get her to hurry.

"What are we watching?" Jeff asked the boys.

"The girls." Zan shrugged. "I watch Ava. Michael watches Iz… Alex and Max take turns watching Liz. It's a fun night."

"Shut up!" Max slugged Zan, making the alien leader choke on his soda.

It seems okay when everyone is together but everyone is acting. Everyone is playing their little parts and they have nothing to do with each other. I feel like a split personality and there seems to be no end to it.

TBC

I’m Liz Parker and… today was one of the stranger days of my life.

Zan was reclining in Max’s Jeep when the trio emerged from the school. Liz snorted and crossed her arms. Max leaned on the seat and Ava dropped her books on his stomach. “Oh, I’m sorry, were you sleepin’?”

“Bout time, yo. How long was ya’ll gon stay in there?”

“Just until the final bell… like every other school day.” Max told him. “What got you out of bed before three?”

“One. Aight? I was up at one. Just tired of bein’ by myself all day.” Zan didn’t budge from where he lay, using the spare as a pillow.

“I was just going to drop Ava off before I went home. We’ve got a calculus final coming up.” Max tossed his bag into the back and took Liz’s books to stow as the girls climbed into the Jeep. “Unless the two of you would like to join in on the math fun.”

“I just don’t want to be in that apartment anymore.” Zan finally sat up, taking a position behind the passenger seat. The ride was amiable until Zan reached forward to change the radio station and his arm brushed Liz’s leg. Liz shivered at the touch but didn’t feel the need to jerk her leg out of range of his arm. Zan froze, his arm almost resting on her leg and staring. She followed his eyes and her breath caught. She yanked away and Zan settled back, radio station forgotten.

"Thank you for deciding my music isn't so bad after all." Max muttered. He hadn't seen a thing.

When Zan touched my leg today in the Jeep, it glowed. The piece of skin around the spot he was touching was glowing. It felt warm and it was a little scary. We didn’t tell anyone at first but we both saw it.

Max explained to Ava and Zan the problem Liz was having with the math and it was actually the seemingly undereducated Zan who figured out her problem. “You have to think of it as if it were a real life problem and not just a bunch of numbers. You just need a scenario where the numbers would apply. A dam or a city water system. Just something that you could see happening.”

“Huh. I guess I figured I could just learn the numbers.” Liz nodded to herself as she studied the problems in front of her. She reached for the glass that Max handed her at the same time Zan reached for the book and when their hands touched, they glowed. Liz yanked hers back but it was too late. All four of them had seen that.

“What was that?” Ava rose in her seat.

“Don’t know.” Zan shook his head. “It… happened in the Jeep too.”

“It did?” Max turned to Liz who nodded. “Why didn’t you guys say something?”

“I kind of hoped I just had something in my eye.” Liz whispered. “It… feels warm.”

“Warm.” Zan laughed to himself, staring at his hand. “Feels like an inferno to me.”

“What is it?” Liz looked at each of the aliens in turn.

“Don’t know.” Max shook his head. Ava just stared at Zan, who fiddled with his bracelets. “Do it again.” He swallowed thickly and watched as they hesitantly reached to take the other’s hand. The glow engulfed their hands and Zan’s breathing picked up. Liz tried to ignore the warmth but like Zan had said, it was like an inferno, shooting up her arm and inside her body so deep, she gasped and swayed in her seat. Her eyes blanked out and she was falling. Stars. The Sun… Earth. Liz yanked her hand back and tried to catch her breath. Zan blew out a breath and got to his feet. He drank cool water straight from the faucet. “What happened guys?”

“I don’t know.” Liz whispered and gulped down her drink when Ava handed it to her. “It felt… really warm… and… there were stars and I could see the sun and then… Earth.”

“You mean… from out there?” Ava pointed up. Liz nodded slowly.

“Is that what you saw?” Max turned to find Zan bathing his head in the sink. “Zan?”

“Naw. I didn’t see that.”

I don’t know what Zan saw but he didn’t stay long after that. He left by himself, said he would be out. Ava and Max tried to put it out of their minds and talk about Ava taking over Tess’s money but Max kept looking at me. It wasn’t until Ava and I were walking to Tess’s house that she told me that I had moaned… Moaned when it happened.

“Like… I was in pain?”

“Only the good kind of pain.” Ava shook her head. It explained why Max kept staring at her. “Zan made this face… He only makes that face when he’s… gettin’ turned on.”

“What?” Liz focused her eyes on the ground. She had felt something but she wasn’t ready to admit that touching Zan’s hand had done things to her that had taken Kelen a night to accomplish.

“I know that we talked about it and you don’t want to but I think maybe…” Ava seemed to shrink into herself. “They’s a reason for this. Maybe they’s somethin' we need to know. I… I just… I’m curious and Max is curious and Zan’s not gonna to let it go.”

“You want me and Zan to start… touching each other to find out why we glowed… why I… saw what I saw?” Liz stopped on the Harding porch and sat down. “I don’t think I can. I mean… what I saw wasn’t… normal. It was like a movie was playing in my head. Like I was landing a space ship.”

“Crashin's more like it.” Ava sighed. “I don’t want you to do it. I said it. But… this isn’t normal. Maybe somethin' happened when Zan healed your leg. I know Max doesn’t want this and he’ll never ask you to do it. Neither will Zan so I have to.”

Liz felt like crying. Christmas break was upon them. She had loads of free time and she didn’t want to spend it wondering what was going on. She didn’t want to spend it betraying her newest friend. She did not want to spend it building walls between herself and the aliens. She really did not want Max thinking more of this than it was but that was probably too late. “Maybe all he has to do is touch me.”

“Maybe.” Ava nodded. “Just… holdin' hands.”

“Then why does this feel bigger?”

“Because it is. Because it always is. When we was kids, we just wandered around naked because we were born that way. Then oh, we gotta wear clothes. Okay. Oh… we gotta eat and sleep and act just the way everyone else did. Oh… we have powers. We aliens. Every day it's somethin' else, Liz. More aliens? Let’s go chill… wait, they’re evil. Oh, more of us… wait… they got good homes. They don’t even know about the war.” Ava took a deep breath, her leg shaking. “I don’t want more alien stuff either, Liz. We got it.” Tears formed in the blue eyes. “Just promise me that… you won’t lie to me. Zan will. He will. He… will but I want you to always tell me the truth.”

“Of course.” Liz nodded. “I still haven’t agreed to do anything.”

“Eventually, somethin’s going to happen and we can’t stop it.”

“I know.” She took a deep breath. “I promise that I will never lie to you. I will tell you absolutely everything.” She reached out and took Ava’s hand. “I love Max… I really do and I don't want to hurt him. Zan is an okay guy but I don’t feel that way about him.”

“You don’t know him yet.” Ava pulled Liz to her feet. “Let’s check out my new digs.”

I don't like the turn my conversation with Ava took. I'd like to think that I've got a little control over the way I feel. I told her I love Max and I think I do but I'm still in a fragile place and I don't know how that's going to work out. We're not dating. We're studying. We don't hold hands, we don't kiss. Still, he does all those courtesies like holding open my doors, carrying my books, driving me home, paying for my meals or having me over to dinner… like we're dating without the benefits. It's just that the benefits are on hold because of me. Because I'm afraid of testing my own limits. On one hand, I don't have to test them on Max and risking hurting him unintentionally by recoiling from his touch. On the other hand, I test these limits with an almost stranger and risk hurting Max by not recoiling from Zan's touch. I can't even imagine the insecurities that come with having a clone… for either of them.

Max sat on the edge of the bed and gripped Liz's hand. They waited. He sighed. "It doesn't happen when I touch you."

"I guess not." She gripped his fingers tighter, almost willing the warmth to start but all she felt was the warmth of his hand. "I really don't like this, Max. I just want to find out why this is happening."

"We all do but I don't want to force you to do anything… that might make you uncomfortable. If…"

"Holding hands won't make me scream. We're doing that right now." She watched his head bob up and down slowly. "I just don't want extra eyes staring. That makes me uncomfortable. The idea of people watching me…"

"Ok… I'm… I'll tell him you're ready then."

"Okay." She nodded and let go of his hand. Were her palms sweating?

Max disappeared out the door. Liz looked around the room. She wondered whose it had been before. Was it Tess's or Mr. Harding's room? Zan seemed to have claimed it and redecorated in the last few days. Zan entered and shut the door behind him. Neither said a word for a long time. They had never been alone before. "Ava told me that I can do what I have to."

"She told me the same thing. She's not happy about this." Liz offered him a wan smile. "I… think there should be a firm rule… that… you don't anything that Max can't remember doing."

"I was just gonna hold your hand." He shrugged but he didn't smile at his own joke. He was nervous and his eyes kept flicking to the door.

"Ava and I have the suspicion that it'll take more to get the finished result."

"Okay. Where's the line, darlin'?" Zan sat on the bed. "How far you let that dumb ass get?"

"He only remembers second base. I'm not saying you have the right to go there but I am saying if it gets that far, you stop." Her breath came out in a shudder.

Zan turned his body to face her. "Are you afraid of me?"

"No." She shook her head.

"Are you afraid of what I did to those girls?"

"You don't do stuff like that anymore… right?"

"No… not in a good long while. I ain't gonna start neither." He held out his hand. She took two deep breaths and put hers in his. The glow was faint. He took her hand and used his other to draw a line on the inside of her arm. The glow followed. Liz swallowed the lump in her throat and mimicked the movement on his arm. Nothing happened. "You can't do it to me."

"It doesn't feel the same?"

"It feels the same, it doesn't look the same."

"It feels like you're on fire?"

His answer was to let out a deep breath. The feelings rolling around in his gut weren't going to let him settle for holding hands but he'd hold off as long as he had to. His breathing came in deep pants as they drew closer together so he could touch her arms. Her breaths were coming shorter and shorter as the heat built. Her eyes fixed on the stud in his chin, his fixed on the neckline of her shirt. Their foreheads touched and Liz wanted to turn her head away but her eyes leapt to his lips. The moan just crept over her lips and she was helpless to contain it. His lips brushed her cheek and her body arched toward him. His arms wrapped around her back.

I'm Liz Parker and I've touched the soul of an alien King.

The cry was sharp and high. Her eyes opened and she didn't see Zan in front of her though she could still feel his body against hers.

Stars. Falling. Crashing. Soldiers. Desert. A brown-haired woman through green haze. "ssstop."

Zan released her and she fell back on the bed. "Sorry." His hands rested in fists on either side of her body, his breathing still heavy. "I didn't see anything."

"I did." She shook her head at him. "I just don't know what it is that I saw. I'm sorry."

"Sh. It's okay." He leaned closer. "Just think about it. It's just a kiss." Their lips brushed softly. "Just focus." His breath was sweet. When their tongues met, concentration was 10 times harder. Still, she kissed back, allowing her hands to touch and her tongue to caress. This time, he moaned. All she could do was hold on.

["Nurse, what are you doing? You shouldn't be in here."

"There are babies in these things. Human babies." She touched one and then another. "My god…"

"There couldn't possibly be."

"I'm telling you… these two at least have baby boys inside of them. Look!" She stared at the doctor. She placed both hands on the pod and the baby inside seemed to rise toward them. "Where did these things come from? What are they?" She whipped around when the door opened, her hands slipping from the pod. "Who are you?"

"Excuse us, nurse… come with us."]

Zan rested his face against her chest as he caught his breath. It wasn't until his tears rolled up to her neck that she realized he was crying. Not knowing what else to do, she wrapped her arms around him and let him. His hair, stiff with pomade, crackled under her fingers. "Sh… sh…" He was sobbing soon after that. "Do you remember her?"

"No." He was tired and the crying was short-lived. "I don't know who she was."

Liz let him rest there until they were both just laying together. No glowing. No need to do more than just be. It was as the light changed that she knew she needed to get home. "You okay?"

"I never knew why. I seen 'em and I needed to be wit 'em. Needed to go… needed to know why I couldn't eva go wit 'em. Why they wouldn't take me, too?"

"So you started hurting them." Liz shut her eyes.

"I never kilt 'em." Zan lifted his head in a stern protest. "Never."

"I know."

Zan was quiet about what we saw but it was so profound. Some woman who was there and saw him in his pod was a short, brunette with dark eyes. He's been fascinated with them ever since. He knows what he feels for Ava and he never knew why a short dark haired girl could always make his head turn. I still don't really know why I'm in the middle of this. I don't know if it's done. If I don't have to do that again with Zan.

Liz freshened up before making the trip downstairs to where Max was pacing with his physics book in hand in the main room. She could see Ava slapping together a dinner for herself. Max stopped and waited. "We're… done for tonight. We… should probably leave Zan alone for a while."

"How much alone?" Ava blurted out.

"He's upset."

"You're okay?" Max stared, his eyes searching.

"I'm fine. Zan and I didn't do anything Ava and I haven't done." Liz tried to reassure her friend, who just nodded and returned to slapping her dinner together, this time a little louder.

"What did you see?"

"Some of the facility where the government kept you when you crashed. They've always known about you. There was a woman who figured out what the pods were holding… I don't think she lived long after her discovery."

"Are we supposed to find her? Why did you see her?"

"It's… well… that's something that Zan will have to tell you about."

"You mean." Ava froze with a package of cheese in one hand and a bottle of Tabasco in the other. "You mean he's upset like he's… cryin'?"

Liz just nodded. "He… needs to be alone." She turned to Max. "Could you take me home?" Max nodded and gathered his things. Liz looked to Ava, who no longer looked hungry. "I'll talk to you tomorrow. Okay?"

"Yeah. Whatever." The troubled blue eyes stared up the stairs and the girl didn't move as her guests left.

When Max drove me home, he asked questions but he wouldn't look at me. He asked me what it felt like. What I saw. If I hurt at all. I tried to reassure him but I could tell his ego has been bruised. When he stopped the car, I had to do it. I thought if every kiss Max and I had ever shared and I kissed him. I can only hope he knew what I meant.

Alex shoved his hands into his pocket and exited the Crashdown. He had been waiting for Liz all afternoon with the excuse of keeping Maria company on a slow evening. When he looked up, it was like déjà vu. He had that image burned into his brain many times sophomore year and here it was senior year and it was back. Max and Liz making out in the Jeep. He couldn't even be mad at her. Shuffling off, he thought about how Liz had told him about that girl in Communications. Debra was a pretty girl, after all.

Max pulled away first, gasping for air. "Where'd you learn to do that?"

"Do what?" She panted, leaning on him, tasting him in her mouth.

"With your tongue." He watched her brow furrow. She had no clue what he was talking about. Ava had done that once… when she had first kissed him. She said it was a reactionary tactic. He tried not to be hurt but he knew what that meant. "Never mind."

"No, what?" Liz insisted, her arms still resting on him. "What did I do?"

Max sat back in his seat. "I kissed you back and you were kissing Zan back."

"No." Liz shook her head.

"Yeah."

"You're crazy."

Max shrugged and bit his lip. "Maybe… we… shouldn't do this… until after."

"After we figure out why I'm picking up the alien station?" Liz laughed to herself and sank back into the passenger seat. "God! This is going to completely screw up everything."

"It's looking that way."

"Promise me." Liz demanded.

"I need something to promise."

"We pick up here when I stop receiving and transmitting for Zan. Okay?"

"Okay." Max nodded and reached into the backseat for her bag. "I'll walk you up."

I don't completely believe Max. I don't know how he could know that I was 'kissing Zan back' when I kissed him. It hit me really hard in the car that this thing I'm doing is not going to be easy on any of us. I feel like a short-wave radio with faulty wiring and Zan has to… fiddle with my dials to get a clear reception. It's a little aggravating and very much inconvenient.

TBC

This board is officially caught up with the story. I hope to have part 45 by next week and Part 46 is also almost done. but I'll stretch it out a bit in case 47 takes a while.

I'm Liz Parker and to say that I am uncomfortable would be an understatement. For three days in a row I have gone to Ava's and allowed Zan to touch me. Granted, it's just my hands, my arms. Hugging if we need to but it's more touching than I allow my mother on most days. Then I let him kiss to see if a vision slipped through, without the glowing. Most of the time… it's nothing. No glowing and no visions.

"So we try this again." Zan still looked tired, as if he hadn't gotten any sleep since the morning before.

"You sure?"

"Let's just get this over with."

"Are you mad at me or something?" Liz stared at him. He’d been in a bad mood all day according to Ava who had skipped her last final.

"No." Was he actually pouting?

"Zan."

"Look… we got to do this thing. Like it nor not…" Zan flopped back on the bed. She stayed quiet for a long time until he opened his mouth again. "How come when you dream about what Rath did… you see me doin' it?"

"I don't have that dream anymore." She protested but didn’t look at him.

"But you had it."

"I blamed you." She whispered at last. "I wasn't… I didn't… I… No one had told me everything yet. I didn't know you were saving my life. I thought you were just cutting loose some dead meat."

"I think I did this to you… when I fixed your head. That thing Nicholas does… it leaves damage. I… when I grabbed your head, I tried to fix it but it's a brain and maybe I fixed too much… some part that didn't need fixin'." He looked up at her. "Because I did it… I gotta be the one to see what makes you glow. Like you seein' what's inside me what's so far deep that I can't remember it… like that nurse."

"Maybe. It scares me a little but I'm still here."

"Yeah… you are." He sat up. "Look… whatever Ava thinks… I'm not this guy. I don't like screwin' 'round on her. I see her when you're not here and she's accusin' me. She don't say nothin' but… Those eyes… I don't like to see them look at me that way."

"I understand. We don't want this."

"Good. Good." He took her hands in his. "Let's… focus or whatever."

It’s just that there’s this pressure. No one likes what we’re doing but no one wants us to stop until we’ve got some kind of answer. Max isn’t really speaking to me these days. Ava is quiet and Zan is suffering because of it. My parents know that something is up because I’m not talking to them as much. Maria and Alex are just not what’s on my mind these days. My parents think I’m repressing and retreating back into myself. They think I need some help… so now I have to go to survivor meetings on top of my glowing meetings… not that any glowing has been going on lately. It’s not like the survivor meetings will help me. I was raped by an alien. There. I wrote it. Maybe that’s progress.

Liz poured herself a cup of coffee and sat at the table with the others. She listened to their experiences. She was not inclined to share hers and so sat quietly, sipping the bad coffee. Maybe she should bring a pot from the Crashdown next time. As everyone was leaving, the Sheriff walked in. He made straight for her. “Miss Parker, if I could have a word?”

“Ok.” She nodded and glanced at the door. Ava was waiting to walk her to the house for Zan glowing time. “A friend is waiting for me.”

“I spoke to Miss Harding outside. She’ll wait.” He gestured for a chair. “I talked to your parents. They told me you were coming here. I don’t imagine it helps much.”

“Some.”

“The reason I needed to talk to you, Ms. Parker is this. I’ve been…” He wrung his hat between his hands. When she looked at him, she could see that he hadn’t shaved in a few days. “I’ve been getting pressure to close your case… with an arrest. I can’t make one. I thought about what you said long and hard before I did leave bits out of my report. I had contacted the Feds when you were taken but no one got back to me until after we had recovered you. They wanted to know why. I didn’t know. I told them as much. They insist you were involved in illegal activities. I told them that wasn’t possible. They have subpoenaed your samples. I had them destroyed. They’re coming, if they’re not here already. Are you sure that your… friends… should stay here?”

“They’ve known about my friends for over 50 years. The ones that are here… they’ve made lives for themselves. They don’t hurt anyone that doesn’t strike first.” Liz cleared her throat and set down her cup. She wasn’t feeling very well all of a sudden. “If they leave now… the FBI will know who they are. The best course is for everyone to go on as they have been.”

“Perhaps you’re right, Ms. Parker.” Valenti bowed his head. The weight of the world on his shoulders.

“Sheriff, can I ask you a question?”

“Shoot.” He laughed to himself.

“Could you find someone who went missing? I don’t have a name. She’s not even from around here… I don’t think. I do know what she worked on the base in 1947. I know that she was… about my height. Young. Brown hair. Brown eyes.” Liz paused carefully. “I don’t know if she was killed or if she was relocated.”

“I could look into it but right now… they’re going to watch my every move. Who is she?”

“A friend.” She smiled sadly. “Someone who found out too much, too soon and may have been made to pay for it.”

“You think this woman is dead?”

“I honestly don’t know. I do know she was a nurse working the crash in 1947. I know she was in a room she wasn’t supposed to be in…”

“Assuming the crash happened.”

“Assume it did.”

The Sheriff laughed and looked like he wanted to cry. "Ms. Parker… I have lived with this burden all my life. I thought my own father was crazy… I know your family and I know you. I know you wouldn't pull a hoax on me but you have to tell me if he was right."

"I don't know if he was right. I don't know what he said."

"Ms. Parker… there are photos from 1959 of a dead body that my father thought was killed by an alien. Was he right? Are people in danger?" He stared at her hard in that practiced manner that probably had criminals shaking in their pants. "Are your friends dangerous?"

"If you're asking if my friends are aliens. I'll say yes. If you're asking me if my friends have ever killed people. I'll have to say yes. If you're asking me if my friends killed that man in 1959, I have to say no. My friends weren't breathing for quite a while after that. My friends are not here to kill people. They're not here to hurt anyone. They are here to live. Just… live."

I think all aliens have lost their minds. Max is unreasonable. Ava is understandably upset but distant when I need her the most. The only person I have to turn to is Zan. Zan who is not wanting to discuss anything aside from the current drama of getting the freaking visions.

"Zan… it's not happening." Liz flopped back on the bed. "Maybe you're just supposed to find out what happened to the nurse."

They had managed to avoid kissing so far. A new, unspoken, rule. "Maybe I just had some issues and that's it. It's over. Maybe we done." He shrugged. "It'd be what Max is hopin' for."

"Right." Liz snorted. Of all the people she wanted to talk about, he was the last one on the list… after Hitler and that make-believe serial puppy killer that Maria was convinced was out there somewhere.

"You got a problem with Max?"

"He's just aggravating. I kissed him and he was a jerk about it. Maybe he's not as into me as he thought anymore. He said to wait until all this is over but I'm not waiting forever. Ava swears he loves me but he keeps me away."

"He don't want you hurt, darlin'. He thinks if he had done something different, you would've never found out."

"Too bad. I know. I'm in this."

"You think he don't want you but he does. He thinks about you all the time but you gotta stay away to be safe.” He twisted to look at her. “Ava’s frustrated with me. She think I don’t wanna open up but… I don’t want her to see everythin'… So I don’t… you think that’s bad?”

“No… but you have to tell her why or else she’s going to think you have another motive for shutting her out.”

“What motive?”

"Ava seems to think you're irresistible but I find you very resistible." Liz sighed, pulling his blanket around her body.

"You think so?" His eyebrow shot up, his lips curving up at the corner.

"I mean… you're handsome… and nice when you want to be. I… just can't see you like that. I mean, I don't know you and I'm already …"

"With Max." He nodded. "That's cool. You don't go and confuse us or nothin'."

"I couldn't possibly. You're very little alike."

"That's right."

"Yes. Max would never pierce or tattoo himself. Max does not like to draw attention to himself but you love it. You crave it. You go out of your way to be noticed."

"I do. I really do."

"It's like you're waiting for someone to recognize you. Maybe her."

He went quiet. He didn't like the conversation anymore. “Maybe.”

“You don’t think that the reason there haven’t been anymore visions is because you’re supposed to find her or what happened to her?”

“No.” He turned away again. He stared at the wall. “Speakin’ of tellin’ people things. You gonna let Max know you’re hot for him?”

“I’m not.”

“Uh-huh.”

“I’m not.” Liz kicked him, lightly. “I do want Max to… tell me it’s okay. That he’s okay but he’s just… Hey! We were talking about you.” She kicked him again, harder. “You want to try again… thinking about her?”

“Not tonight. Maybe tomorrow.”

I’m Liz Parker. I guess I’m not sure what to write anymore. It’s the same stuff over and over. No solutions. No ends. Just… me and a bunch of aliens hiding from the world. I could write how I hurt every time Max looks at me. I could write how my friendship with Ava is straining to the breaking point. It doesn’t do any good to tell them that we haven’t been kissing. They’ll just think we’re lying to cover ourselves. It’s not fair to feel so guilty for something I’m not even doing. I just can’t stop thinking about that night with Max in the Jeep. He treated me like some kind of disease.

Liz sank down on the bed. She just wanted to be away from Max's accusing eyes and Ava's hurt eyes. She and Zan were taking a lot of heat for doing as told. "Can we not… today?" He arched an eyebrow but his eyes were still closed. Apparently waking up early wasn't something he did well. "I don't want them to think we use this as an excuse to make out."

"What in the hell are you talkin' 'bout?"

"We are not into it when we kiss, which we haven’t done in days. They…" She pointed to the door but his eyes were still closed. "Think we do. I feel very, very strongly for Max and he seems to think that I can't focus on him when I kiss him."

"What time is it?"

"8:30."

"In the mornin'?" Zan's eyes popped open. "Anyone tell you that you're crazy?"

"A few times, actually." She nodded and gripped the edge of the mattress. "Maybe we should just get to it. I was… you're great and everything but I wasn't looking to work out my intimacy issues with a clone of my un-boyfriend."

"Can we not use the big words until after I've had some coffee?"

"I kissed him and he kissed me back. He claims I was kissing you back. I'm not even sure what that means. It's like he's blaming me for something that is not in my realm of control. I didn't ask you to flip a switch in my brain. I didn't ask for this but I've graciously agreed to see this thing through. He could use some answers too. This has nothing to do with me. It's all about aliens. Which, I am to assume, everything for the rest of my life is going to be about you guys."

"Liz… you have to go." Zan groaned, gripping the top of his blanket over his stomach. "Or at least turn around. I'm not wearin'… pants."

"I never took you for a prude, Zan." Liz commented as she dutifully turned around.

"I’m not. I thought you'd be." Zan cleared his throat as he reached for his pants. "I got a new plan. You get the glowy thing and you kiss Max. He can tell us what he sees."

"That's a good idea but he'd have to want to kiss me first." She sighed. "If you told him that, he'd go ballistic. You know Max."

The door opened and both turned to see who it was. Max. He stared between them, mouth open. Then he shut the door.

"Aw shit." Zan cursed and yanked on the pants. "Go get him… before he does somethin' stupid."

Liz raced after the alien, who was already reaching for the front door. "Max, that wasn't what it looked like."

"No?" Max turned, eyes turned to the ceiling, unable to look at her. "You weren't just… finishing or getting started on something you didn't want me to see?"

"Max. I barged in there and woke him up. Okay? I was babbling and I didn't realize he slept nude. He was finding some pants."

"Right."

"Max!" Liz shouted and punched him in the shoulder as hard as she could. "Why won't you trust? I mean… I've taken a lot on faith since Zan showed up. You actively lied to me about him and really, about you. The least you can do is trust me."

"I'm sorry but you don't have a lot of credit in this department." His eyes finally fell on her.

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Since you and I were together, you've dated half the guys in school. You kissed my best friend for crying out loud."

"None of that has anything to do with this. You don't trust me. You never have. That is why we didn't work. You couldn't keep your promises and you didn't trust me. I was second to your alien drama, which you told me was Michael's family issues… but it was alien stuff, wasn't it? That necklace Michael had me take him out to the reservation for? That argument in your bedroom that day he busted in on us? Alien stuff, right? I always had to be the one to leave because the three of you were never done with this stuff and you would never tell me about it."

"Liz…"

"You think I'm even ready to sleep with Zan?"

"It's…"

"Whatever it looked like Max… it wasn't. I woke him up. He wasn't wearing clothes. He was going to put some on. I wasn't in there to do anything but get these freaking glow-inducing visions out. To finish whatever the hell is happening. I was fucking raped, Max. I am not ready for that kind of anything. I am never more calm than when you touch me. How do you think I feel when the one person that I want to touch me thinks I'm running around behind his back with his clone?"

"It's just… I never know what's really going on with you. You… hold stuff in. When you're hurt or terrified, I can tell. It's written all over your face. When you… feel the normal stuff… I don't know what's going on. You tell Ava you love me but you don't let me know. I don't… you don't talk to me."

"Because I'm scared, Max. I am scared to care too much about you. You've let me down before." She shrugged. "You've got a track record and it's not a sterling one."

"I get sidetracked when our lives are at stake. I'm sorry."

"But… in the meantime… the people you love are getting fed up. These people don't have anything from you that makes any kind of sense. You say these things but… I don’t get them. I think about you when I kiss you. I gave Zan ridiculous boundaries. He can't touch me in anyway that you can't remember doing. A courtesy to you. I have to let him touch ME and I'm worrying about You." She wanted to laugh and cry. "Those guys I dated? I compared them to you. Always to you. No one could ever make me feel as special as you did… and the one guy who wanted to… never got the chance. And freaking Jeremy was right the whole time."

Max stood there for a moment, his throat working against a lump. "How do I know you wouldn't sleep with Zan? You slept with your dead boyfriend's brother."

"Kelen was sex. It wasn't really about anything. I was upset. He was lonely. Stuff happened. It wasn't about you. It wasn't about Tony. It was escape. You… slept with a girl because you don't like anyone to be mad at you. You admitted that you didn't love her but you did it because you were 'in the moment.' Knowing you'd never see her again. How do I know you won't have one of these 'moments' with someone else? I trust you, that's how."

"Don't use April like that."

"Don't use Kelen like that. You didn't love her and you didn't trust her. You slept with her but you didn't tell her the truth about you. She lost her virginity to an alien and still doesn't know it. I trusted Kelen, I could look myself in the eye afterward. Could you?"

Max looked like he wanted to cry. "I didn't tell you that stuff so you could use it against me."

"You want to know the truth? When my life, the part that revolves around you, got to be too much, I ran to Kelen. I slept with him. All the craziness that knowing you and what you are has pulled into my life… I turned it into fantastic sex with him. And you'll never be able to trust me enough to find out what we could have had together." Liz turned and ran up the stairs, pushing passed Zan and into Ava's room, where the girl was sitting on her bed listening to the whole thing. Ava looked at Zan and pointed to stairs, mouthing, 'Go.'

Zan barreled down the stairs and got in Max's face. "What the hell do you think you're doin'? You made her cry."

"Can we not do this right now?" Max backed up.

"No. We have to do this right now. I ain't kissed her in days. I cain't do this. Nothin's happenin' and you're screwin' this up. We got the glowin' thing when she was alright. When things was goin' good. She ain't good no more. She told me what you said when she kissed you." He pushed Max backward. "You asshole."

"I'm not the only one who messed up."

"That shit is old." He shoved Max backward hard enough to knock a picture off the wall.

"Ava like that you have your hands all over her best friend?" Max shoved back.

"Someone has to do it. Her boyfriend's not." This time he pushed Max into a plant. Max knocked Zan backward onto the stairs but Zan caught himself and used the momentum to throw himself back at Max, knocking the teen into the living room. Max skidded to a stop before he could run into a statue on a pedestal. He turned quickly and let Zan be the one to hit the artifacts.

"So it's alright if I have a go at Ava? She's pretty lonely these days." Max didn't have time to duck before the fist sent him into a table. His back screamed where the table cut him just under the ribs.

"It's not gonna happen. Liz and me ain't doin' nothin'."

"So, you get your girlfriend and mine too?" Max came up swinging and Zan fell against the piano with a loud clang. The next swing nearly took Max off his feet. Max managed one decent swipe that landed on Zan's mouth, knocking him off balance and back onto the piano.

Zan wiped the blood off his mouth and licked the wound. "I ain't screwin' her."

"Then why hasn't she talked to me in days?" Max stepped up.

"Maybe because you ain't payin' attention." Zan swung and connected with Max's ear as he was trying to duck. Max fell on the ground, jarring his bruised ribs.

"I think her message was loud and clear."

"Did you even hear the fuckin' message?" Zan reached down and pulled Max to his feet. "She wants you. She loves you. We ain't even glowin' no more, man. Touchin' me makes her sick to her stomach… just… suck it up. Apologize. Listen." He jerked his clone by his shirt collar. "Really listen to her. Help her heal what I can't."

"I can't." Max went limp, sobbing, shaking. "She's broken because of me. She knew me. That's why she was there when he came. You would have found me either way but I was with her and I got her into this. He came for her to get to me. He let them do that to her because of me."

"Listen to me." Zan jerked him again. His nostrils flaring, trying to keep a lid on his own flood of emotions. "She don't blame you. She don't even blame me anymore. She blame Nicholas and he's dead. She needs you. Not me. Not Ava. You."

"I can't."

"You will." He straightened and let Max crumple to the floor. "She needs you to let her know that you still want her. That you still love her. I'm a crummy substitute for you… her best friend. The only person she lets touch her without reservation. Stop feelin' sorry for yourself and to go her. It's not about you. It's about her. Don't say anythin' to her. Just… hold… her…"

Zan sat on the piano bench, wincing. He had jarred his back a little when he had hit the piano that last time. "Do you know what it's like to touch someone who had a dream that you hurt them? She thought I was cryin' because of the lady. I was cryin' because she got hurt. I couldn't not feel it. She's all raw on the inside. The wounds are open… and I can't fix them. Maybe you can."

"She's right." Max sniffed. "I never trusted her enough. She trusted me with all of her… and I never could… and now… it's not about trust. I know her. I know she won't tell about us. I know she's not afraid of us… I don't know if I can trust."

"You can. You will."

"Like you?"

"Better than me. Better than me."

TBC

I'm not entirely happy with it but even after I took a break from it, it didn't improve much more. Thanks for everyone who's feedbacking, to everyone who's reading. Thanks to my BETA for putting up with my mood swings. My thumbtack brigade for staying on my ass. I'm working on Part 46 but it's slow and I'm trying to fix it. '-)

Part 46

Liz sobbed into Ava's pillow. The blonde girl had shut the door once the furniture started breaking. Ava sat next to Liz, stroking her back but saying nothing. Liz rolled over to stare at the ceiling. She was so tired of feeling like she was doing something wrong when she was only doing what was asked of her. "Do you think I'm doing what Max thinks I'm doing?"

"No. You never told me so no." Ava spoke slowly, obviously leading Liz to expound.

"We're not, Ava. I swear it."

"Good enough for me."

"And he wouldn't even if I wanted to." Liz reached for her hand. "He doesn't like seeing you look this way."

"What way is that?"

"Like you don't trust him."

"Hey. You don't worry about me, girl." Ava offered her a weak smile. "You cry… get it out… I'll still be here… sittin' cherry." She glanced at the door. "They stopped breakin' things, you think they okay?"

"Maybe one of them's dead." Liz rolled back over to face the wall.

"Well, that ain't funny."

"It wasn't meant to be."

"It's really quiet out there. Maybe one of 'em is dead."

--

Zan gripped his side as he watched Max collect himself on the floor. "If she hated you… she never would've let you near her after what they did to her. But she trusts you still. You make her feel safe."

"Don't know how." Max sniffed, staring at his feet. "The first time I saw her… I was eight. I got off the school bus and my eyes went right to her. I was too young to understand what I was feeling. I had classes with her but I never really talked to her. Then… two years ago… she was late to bio. I was in the back of the room so the teacher wouldn't call on me so much… the only seat left was next to me. I figured she'd trade the next day… sit next to one of her friends. But she was already there when I showed up that second day… and the third… and the fourth… Then… she came to talk to me at the Crashdown and I knew I was caught. I'd been staring at her and she found out… a few weeks later we went out on our first date." He sniffed again. "I just wanted to be a good boyfriend but… I ended up not taking care of her… and she left me. I let her go. I didn't want her to look at me like I wasn't enough… so I let her go."

"That was stupid."

"I waited too long to try to get her back… and then she was with Jeremy and I thought he was what she wanted. So I found someone else. I tried to be everything she wanted and I think I was… too much. She worshipped me and all I had to do was cave. See things her way. Be there for her like I never was for Liz. Isabel told me that what we had was barely a relationship and she never said anything else about it. Michael either but they were preoccupied with their own stuff. All I had to do was listen. Kiss her when she wanted me to… half the time I didn't need to say a word. All I had to do was be there. Be everything she thought a boyfriend should be. All I had to do was take care of her."

"Standin' in the right light. Touchin' at the right moment. A monkey could do it. It ain't real."

"I know that now. It doesn't mean I didn't feel anything. It just means my heart wasn't really in it. Like Liz said." He hung his head. "Tess was just… I didn't have anything to give her. It was all… the alien part of me. I never trusted her. I never loved her. She was…"

"Convenient?"

"Safe, maybe. She loved me without me having to do anything because she remembered me, us, from before…. Up there. Then it turned out even that wasn't enough." Max shook his head. "I always hoped that Liz and I could get back to where we were in the beginning. When… my stomach would rumble when she walked into the room. When her smile could cure anything. When… I didn't let my alien life get in the way of us. Now… it's all about the alien life. I can't protect her from it. The damage is done."

"She's been talkin' to the Sheriff… you ain't told her to stop."

"She won't tell."

"No? How do you know?"

"I know her. She wouldn't."

"Sounds like you trust her or somethin'." Zan stared at his dupe. "Look… maybe you trust her with the secret. Maybe you trust her not to sell us out. That's not what she's askin' for."

"She broke my heart once already and I don't think I fully recovered."

"Sounds like she didn't either." Zan had been thinking about it all morning but he was hesitant to bring it up. "She thought you were perfect. You weren't. No one is. She just expected too much of you. She knows that now. She… didn't realize it until… you were with whoever…"

"What am I supposed to do? The things I said to her…"

"She said bad things to you too." Zan stood, groaning, his body protesting. "Look. I know I got issues. I done some… really, really fucked up things. It eats me up that someone like Liz knows 'bout it. There's stuff she knows that I ain't ever told Ava. I don't want her to know everything I did. She's my life… you know? If she hadn't been out there… I would've never made it out of Tucson. Maybe I'd be dead now."

"I love her. Always have."

"Then go up there. Tell her or… just be there for her. Let her know that what they done to her don't make you sick."

"But…"

"She thinks you don't want to look at her that way no more. That she makes you sick cause of what they done."

"No…" Max shook his head and scrambled to his feet. His back screamed at him to be still but he couldn't have Liz thinking that. "That's not…"

"Git your ass up there." Zan pointed, wincing as he moved too fast for his sore muscles.

Max turned and stared at the staircase. He took a deep breath and just kept his eyes on the stairs. One step at a time. And another. And another. Before he knew it, he was face to face with Ava's door. He knocked lightly. Nothing. He was about to walk away when the door opened and Ava slid outside. "She okay?"

"No thanks to you." Ava socked him in the gut. "Fix it."

"'kay." Max gasped out, holding his stomach.

"Pussy, I didn't hit you that hard." Ava scoffed and turned for the staircase.

It took a few moments of gasping and sputtering to let the nausea fade away before Max could straighten and walk through that door. Liz was sitting on the edge of the bed, her back to the door. "I'm sorry." She didn't respond. "I'm afraid. I'm ashamed. I don't deserve any sort of reprieve for the things I said to you."

"Look… Kelen was my thing. You said some things, pretty bad things, and you made me feel like I was drowning but ultimately I slept with Kelen. That's on me. He's a good guy. It's not a big deal and certainly… not ground on which you should ever tread with me." Liz cleared her throat. She'd been crying since she had stormed up the stairs. Of course she had. He had been completely out of line.

"Then we agree that my thing with April is between me and her."

"Agreed." There was a long silence. "What are you ashamed of?"

"How jealous I get when we're not even… like that…" He shook his head and shoved his hands into his pockets. "I don't like how I get when I think about you with other people. I feel sick to my stomach. Like I can't breathe. The thought that maybe you, even for a second, liked Zan kissing you…"

"It's not like that. When the glowing happens… this… heat just flushes my body and any warm body will do but since… Zan was there, experiencing the same thing… then the visions would come. When he'd see whatever… the heat would go away and it was like everything was okay. No hard feelings. A little guilt because I kept thinking about how upset you'd get."

"There's that shame thing. I guess."

"You're afraid of what? I wouldn't ever tell, Max."

"No, I know." Max cleared his throat. His hands were shaking so he kept them in his pockets. "I know what you said happened… out there. Zan… I had seen through him what he's done. I can imagine what might have happened but… the thought of kissing you and seeing what actually did happen… it scares me to death. I saw you that night and my heart stopped. I just wanted to fix it all… Valenti and his men be damned. When you spoke to me, you sounded like you hated, like… actually hated me. It's all my fault."

Liz turned, tears forming in her eyes. "No, it's really not."

"You were with me. That's why they took you."

"Maybe but you didn't tell them to take me. You couldn't have possibly known that they would. If you had known… I'm sure there would have been more of a fight when they came. My… windows just weren't up to the job." She turned her body towards him a bit. "Look, Max. I have got enough people blaming themselves for what happened. My father has that same look on his face. Like… if he had just convinced me to come inside that night. If he had just… taken that house my mom had seen six years ago. If only he had invested in a spring-actioned fire escape and gotten rid of that ladder years ago… If. If. If. What if I had gone with Alex stargazing? What would they have done to him? What if I had gone with you? What would they have done to your family? Everyone is blaming themselves but Nicholas did it. Rath did it. Lannie did it.

"You're not the easiest person to know, Max. You have some serious walls but you opened up to me in the beginning. Then you shut off. Maybe you thought I was better off not knowing. Maybe you thought you could get away with not giving me more. Initially, yeah, I was attracted to this person I see in front of me. My uh… seriously hot lab partner. Then I got to know you and when that person stopped being there… I thought maybe I had done something to make him go away." She dropped her eyes to her hands. "I even thought… maybe he expects more of me… physically. Maybe he's realized that I'm not what he wants."

"Never." Max shook his head and approached slowly. "You were right. I didn't even realize I had done anything wrong. When you broke it off. I was in shock. I didn't understand. You were talking that day in the park and I was hearing Michael and Isabel telling me that we wouldn't last. That you weren't anymore able to handle our secret and I should just leave you alone if I cared about you."

"So… you just stopped fighting me." Liz nodded with understanding of something she had never been able to let go of.

"Yeah." Max nodded. "It hurt. I was hurting myself… and you, I guess, by letting you have your way. By caring enough to let you go and have a normal life. Isabel always told me that if I really cared, I should just… let you go. But I couldn't. I tried. When I saw you kiss Michael that night. I felt sick to my stomach. The night of that party… I saw you with that guy and I… just stood there. Frozen. Then you looked at me and you smiled."

"And I got you drunk." Liz gasped out of nowhere. She had known since Zan was hurt that alcohol put them in a bad way. She had not known when she had convinced Max to do jello shots with her. She covered her mouth with her hand, eyes wide.

"Yeah. That was kind of your fault but I didn't say no. I could have." Max managed to sit down on the other side of the bed. "The point is. You smiled at me and I couldn't say no. I got drunk and I took over for that loser." He cleared his throat. He had never liked the idea of that guy. "I needed you. Whatever happened between us that night… I… knew then, afterward when I talked to Maria, that I just couldn't let you go."

"Thus your speech before school let out." Liz nodded. "You know… I tried too hard to keep you a friend. I could just never admit that it was so I could keep you near me. It was selfish. Jeremy was right. I got jealous over April. You weren't following me around anymore. I had this great guy and I kept thinking… what is Max Evans telling her? Does she know more about him than I do?"

"No. We were close but… it was more about having someone there than the content of conversations. We talked about Poe to death… the writer and the singer. We examined the deep dark secrets of the universe but I couldn't tell you her grandmother's name." Max reassured her. "I don't know if she idolized her grandmother the way you did yours." He was encouraged by her smile over that. "Maybe I liked her because she liked to talk about herself as much as I did. It worked for us. We could talk about everything to death but mention our personal feelings or our lives and we clammed up, searching for the next trivial topic to fill space if we needed to talk. It didn't stop me from worrying over you and ruining what you and Tony had."

"He had been clean for months but he didn't contradict me when I talked to him." Liz breathed. Had it only been eight months? "I guess I wasn't the only one with trust issues. He probably thought I wouldn't believe him. Whether or not you had told me, he could have still died. It's not your fault. Not for telling me and not for sleeping with her. It was really out of your control…"

"What?" Max stared at her in confusion. She had drifted off, her brow furrowed.

"We have control issues." She announced. "I can't control you. I break up with you. You can't control me, you find someone whose movements you can predict. I hook up with some who admits they have a bad track record when it comes to saying no." She turned to him, full body. "You can't control what you see when you kiss me, can you." He seemed hesitant to respond. "Even if I focus on something, you can't control it. You'll see other stuff just by forming that type of connection. Am I right?"

"I'm supposed to be making you feel better." Max chided half-heartedly. "But you're right. Even if you focus on the thought. The vision. I'll still see other stuff. Happened with Zan too. He saw other stuff."

"My dream." Liz sagged a little. "I just thought he had seen it before but that wasn't it. He saw it the other day and that's why he was all…"

"He told me that you think I'm repulsed by you… that's not it. I want you to know that. I'm just afraid of feeling everything that I know I'll feel when I touch you. Of seeing what's in there to see. Of knowing what all this is for." Max reached for her hand. "I'm not repulsed by you. Just know that any reservations I have are not about you. You know more about me than I've ever told any one person."

"I guess that makes us even. Now that I know every time we kissed that you learned something I probably never intended or thought to tell you."

"I guess so." Max let the relief course through him when her fingers slid though his. "I am so sorry for what happened downstairs. Zan straightened me out."

"So I see." She used her other hand to touch a bruise on his face. "You deserved it though."

"Yeah." He motioned her closer and shut his eyes at the feeling of having her in his arms. It made him feel much better. Better than he had felt in days. "I love you, Liz. I don't think I ever stopped." He squeezed her tight. "You don't have to say it back but I think you need to hear it. My first step."

Liz opened her mouth to speak but then a loud thump caught her attention. She could hear Ava laughing. There was another thump. Liz turned her head to find Max listening for the same thing she was. There was muffled sound and then a high-pitched cry. Then another. "Not again. I can't believe I have to go through this again."

"Are they?" Max pointed to the wall that separated Ava and Zan's rooms. Then they clearly heard Zan's voice. "They are."

"Let's go someplace else. I don't want that soundtrack burned into my brain as well." Liz pulled him to his feet.

"As well? Again? Liz?" Max let her lead him out of the house. Liz barely paused to take in the damage to the foyer and living room. "Liz?"

"It's nothing really. I just didn't want to hear that." Her heart had sped up a little. Little flashes were in her brain reminding her she knew exactly what was going on upstairs. She had gotten the first person account into her head quite by accident but it was still there. "Can we just… go somewhere else?"

"We're on foot. Isabel has the Jeep." Max nodded and winced a little as his muscles cooled and protested at so much movement. Liz put much distance between them and the house in a very short amount of time. "Liz…" About a block away, she slowed and turned to face him. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah… it's just…" She wiped her hands over her face, suddenly aware that she must look horrible. Max just smiled and ran his fingers through her hair, untangling it and brushing it out of her face. His thumbs ran under and over her eyes, encouraging the swelling to go down. "Thanks." She took a breath. "It's just easier for them. They were completely miserable with each other this morning and now they're… reconciling."

"I think you and I know that it takes more than… a romp to fully reconcile." Max realized they were having two conversations at the same time and tried to be careful in the choosing of his words. They were two blocks from his house, so he steered them that way. "Their obstacles are a little different than most people's. Zan carries this… guilt… all the time… He can't ever let go of it or else, he's back where he started."

"The guilt… eats at his soul. He needs to learn to share it with her. He knows he has to but he won't. He's afraid but he doesn't need to be."

"It's not his own fear. I mean. His fear is for her."

"She's strong enough to handle it."

"She really is." Max agreed and absently rubbed his stomach. "Ava can pack a punch. You really wouldn't know it to look at her. She's so tiny but ow."

"Ava punched you?" Liz looked him over. The bruises were settling, becoming darker.

"I made you cry. I deserved it." Max ducked his head. One block to go. Liz stepped in time with him, placing herself against his body. After a moment, he let his arm settle over her. Her arms came around his body. One behind his back, he tried not to wince at the contact, the other hand settled over his sore stomach, rubbing just a little. It felt good.

"Can we stop apologizing to each other now?"

--- continued next post