Roswell Fanatics

Chapter 39B: Voices
Michael

I was losing her.

I knew the minute she had stepped into the apartment and barely glanced at her mother or me. Liz had looked like a robot going on autopilot. Her face had been expressionless and even though it was red from being blown at by the cold New Mexican air, I could tell she had been crying. Then she had left and I had no idea where she had gone.

It was like the only things that happened were that moment and standing here now.

After all I had gone through the night before, the only emotion that was being deciphered right now was anger. I was angry with the Council for taking Liz away from me. I was angry with Liz for pulling away.

I was pissed that Tristan knew all along. Since the prior two held nothing but complications, I chose to focus on the last one.

“Tristan knew and didn’t tell you?” I asked her in a low voice.

“It’s complicated. He was doing what he thought was right,” she began but I cut her off quickly.

“Really?” I scoffed. “We’ve been looking for answers all of this time and they were right there!”

“They would have taken him away as my Seer, Michael! Tristan didn’t want me under total Council control,” she ground. “Please, don’t make this more than it is.”

Her eyes flashed with that certain gleam when she had figured something out. No one but me noticed it and I saw her glance swiftly at Serena. Serena refused to meet her gaze and ducked her head down. My eyes focused on her and she squirmed under the scrutiny. “Did you know too?” I asked.

Kyle sent me a warning look and came to her defense. “How dare you--”

“Wait,” Serena protested, placing a hand on Kyle’s arm. Kyle whirled around to face her.

“Both of you?” he sputtered out. He removed his arm from her touch and Serena swallowed heavily.

“Don’t blame this on them,” Liz said. “The Council chose me, not Tristan and Serena. They were just doing their jobs. This is hardly the time to turn on each other.”

“Liz is right,” Isabel agreed. “We have to figure this out. This changes everything.”

“No, there isn’t a ‘we’. This isn’t about you guys.”

“Bullshit,” I replied angrily. “If you think…”

“They didn’t choose you,” she said solidly. “They chose me.”

“You aren’t alone in this,” I argued. I panicked at her tone. If she thought that I would let her do this by herself.

“But you have to,” she said, reading my mind. “Because I am alone in this. None of you understand how I feel. You guys see answers in all of this and all I see are more questions, more obstacles. Knowing who chose me doesn’t change a damn thing. It just gives me a person to associate the blame with. This isn’t the kind of thing were the friends make everything better.”

“Make us understand then,” I pleaded. “Let us help you.”

She shook her head and choked back tears. “Understand? You want to understand? I wake up everyday knowing that it’s one less day before I die. I’m not going to make it to my graduation because I have to save the world. Everyday I fight it, the feeling that no matter what I do, nothing will change. All of you think I’m giving up but I have to. I can’t hold on to that hope that maybe everything will be OK because I know it won’t. The devastation of having my hopes shattered right in front of me is nothing any of you can understand.

All of you try so hard to be supportive and I appreciate that. But I love all of you and because of that, I look at all of you as people I’ll have to leave behind. Tristan told me that, in the end, something had gone wrong. The Council couldn’t control me and I *chose* to die. I didn’t fulfill the prophecy out of obligation but because I wanted to. And all of you try to help by being here with me but it only makes things worse. All I can think about is why I would choose to leave all of you.”

I clenched my fists in an effort to not reach out and hold her. It was killing me to see her in so much pain. Despite my best efforts, it killed me that all I could hear was that she chose to die. She chose to leave me. Now I understand why she was avoiding me. She knew she would hurt me. And as much as I wanted to prove to her that she was wrong, I couldn’t.

“So you’re confused,” Isabel said. “Pulling away isn’t going to help you. We can help you sort your problems out.”

“You can’t. Because all of you are the problem. As much as it’s my problem alone, I can’t get past not wanting to hurt you guys. I wonder how my actions will affect all of you. I have been lost for a long time now and I feel the need to be strong for all of you. I can’t stand it when you look at me like I’m terminally ill. I want to be sad and lie in my bed all day and not move for just one day. I want to be depressed around you guys without getting a lecture about how I’m giving up.”

Her eyes swept the room. Isabel was near tears and Kyle was looking at Liz in trepidation.

“I’m leaving Roswell.”

Colors danced in front of my eyes and my heart nearly stopped. I blinked, disbelief flooding my system. “How long?” I croaked out.

“I don’t know. Just until I can figure things out and--”

I couldn’t hear this anymore. I blindly rushed to the front door, slamming it loudly behind me as I left. The cold air hit my face as I pressed my back against the door to keep myself from falling.

*I’m leaving Roswell*

I stepped away from the door and began to walk home. I couldn’t go back in there. How could she do this?

Yesterday we were doing just fine. Yesterday she didn’t want to leave me. Yesterday she wasn’t pulling away.

The sound of heavy footsteps running from behind forced me to walk faster. I knew it wasn’t Liz. Even though the connection was pretty much closed off, I could still feel when she was near.

“Michael!” Max shouted. “Slow down. We need to talk.”

“No, we don’t need to do anything,” I growled out.

“Dammit, Michael!” he huffed out as he gripped my shoulder to halt my brisk steps. I whirled around and scowled at him. “You shouldn’t have left like that,” he scolded, his eyes set in anger.

“Don’t tell me what to do, Max.”

“You’re just making this harder on Liz, Michael. She’s been through a lot in last couple of days. This is the right decision for her.”

“How would you know?” I quipped.

“Because she needs help, Michael.” The desperation in his voice peaked my concern.

“What do you mean ‘she needs help’?”

“She’s lost, Michael. More than she’s ever let everyone know. After all the joking we all do about her being Superwoman,” he shook his head slowly, his eyes glistening. He swallowed thickly and began again. “She came to me last night, Michael. She told me everything and she said that all she wanted to get answers. Find out who she was.”

“Did you connect with her?” I asked.

“No,” he said.

“Then how…” How could he see that she was hurting so badly and I couldn’t?

“She let me see it. She’s always so strong around all of us. She’s always making sure we’re all right and running off on suicide missions. That’s why she kept it all inside. Because of us, because she’s worked so hard to be invincible for our sakes but she’s killing herself.”

I raised my eyes to the sky and took deep breaths. “Is she OK?” I rasped out.

“You should ask her,” he said with gentle smile.

******
Liz
“Hey,” I said nervously, running a dishtowel through my hands. My mom looked up from her booth and gave me a sad smile. “You alright?”

I noticed the stack of papers in front of her and peered closer to get a better look. My mom caught my line of vision and put them in front of me. “Oh,” I squeaked out. “Planning stuff.”

“Who knew coffins came in twelve different colors?” she tried to joke.

“Who knew that we’d be planning a funeral?” I said quietly, sadness creeping into my voice. “Mom, about last night…”

She held up a hand and shook her head. “It sounded like it was something serious.”

“It was. But you were right about me needing to tell you more things about my life. I did promise to tell you and I do intend to keep that promise. I want to answer your questions but you need to know that there are some things that I cannot tell you yet. I’m not ready to but when I am…”

My mother’s eyes swept over my face. “I can accept that. Can you at least tell me why you were so upset last night?”

I took a deep breath and she looked away from me, disappointment etched on her face. “It’s complicated, Mom. I was thinking that maybe after everything is over with…the funeral and everything…I could stay with you for a while.”

Her eyes lit up and she grabbed my hands. “Liz, that would be wonderful.”

“I mean if that’s alright with Aunt Ruth and all…” I began.

“You don’t have to worry about that, Liz. There’s something I want to tell you. I bought an apartment just out of Albuquerque last week.”

“Why?”

“I can’t very well keep hoping around different relatives, now can I?” she asked with a coy smile. “Besides, It’s more of a permanent arrangement.”

My eyes went wide in shock. “But mom…”

“I’ve always been a city girl, Liz. The only reason why I stayed here was your father. He loved the restaurant and the whole ’small town’ complex. Now, that he’s gone, well I don’t see a reason to stay. You don’t need me here. In fact, you seem pretty set on keeping me out. It feels wonderful to start over again, Liz. At times, it’s a bit lonely but I manage.”

If my mother respected me enough for me to make my decisions, then I had to respect hers.

My mother sighed heavily. “There’s a whole other world out there, Liz. At first, I felt so guilty for being so happy about leading a different life from Roswell--from you and your father. I had the best hopes for your father, Liz, but I knew that he wasn’t going to make it. I don’t know why but I did. I also know he would have wanted me to be happy. Look at us, Liz; we’ve come a long way. Your father would have wanted that.”

Taking a shuddering breath, I came the realization that maybe my father’s death was final. In the prophecy, it never was made clear whose lives would be given back. I quickly pushed the thought away.

“Just as long as I have a couch to sleep on,” I said with fake cheerfulness.

“So why do you want to come with me? I doubt that it has anything to do with your need for some Mother-daughter bonding,” asked as she kept a curious eye trained on me. She sipped her soda and sighed. “I’ll have to guess then. Michael problems?”

I shook my head. The only thing that was getting me through this day was to not think about Michael. My finger began to trace my promise ring and tears stung my eyes. “No, actually. But I’d be lying to if I said that there may not be any because of my leaving.”

“How did everyone else take it?”

I shrugged. “I don’t know. I left before we could really talk about it. They understand.”

My mother hugged her coffee cup with her hands. “Doesn’t Michael?”

“I thought he would but--”

“He loves you, Liz. He’ll come around. Can I offer you a bit of advise?”

“I’ll take whatever I can get,” I replied, a bit anxious for some motherly advice.

“Make sure Michael knows that you aren’t leaving *him*.”

The loud of the ’order up’ bell cut our conversation short. “I’m gonna--”

“Don’t worry about it. Actually, don’t wait up for me. Cal offered to let me stay over at his place tonight. Besides, you and Michael need some alone time tonight to talk things out.”

I kissed her on the cheek. “Thanks, Mom.”

Reluctantly getting up, I strolled over to Jose who was looking at me with an odd expression. “It’s a bit strange to have Mrs. P back again. It kind of makes me miss the Crashdown even more.”

Gripping the plate in my hands, I eyed my apron nervously. “Yeah. I know what you mean. Maybe I’ll show you how far we got in rebuilding it.”

“That’d be nice. Liz, about your dad--”

“I know,” I said softly, giving him a half-smile. “So long do you think before it gets around the whole town of Roswell?”

Jose chuckled. “By tomorrow,” he replied honestly.

I rolled eyes and began my way to table seven.
****
After my shift was over, I needed to think so I headed for the Crashdown. Using my key to unlock the door, I opened it slowly and relished in the scent of fresh wood. We still needed to put up some of the counters. Footsteps crunched from behind me and I tipped my head back, looking at the cafe in progress.

“It didn’t always used to be like this you know,” I said, my voice echoing in the empty room. “It was always busy and Agnes would always be late so Maria and I had to take all the shifts. My mom and dad would be out running errands. And Max would be sitting in the same booth every day with Michael and Isabel.”

I closed my eyes momentarily and I could almost smell grease. I could almost hear customers chatting in their booths and then Maria running up to me, her antennae bouncing.

Max Evans is staring at you again.

“This is where it began--all of it. I was shot and brought back to life. I got my first flash here. Who knew that I’d be exposed to other worldly beings in a tacky alien-themed cafe?”

“Then maybe we should reconsider making it alien-themed again,” Tristan said with a smirk on his face as he came to stand next to me.

I shook my head and gave him a wry smile. “The irony of the Gods should never be messed with.”

“Very true.”

My eyes swept over the room and I sighed heavily. “But things changed.”

Tristan remained silent.

“My mom got an apartment permanently nearby. She’s moved on with her life and as much as I hate to admit it, she’s the happiest I’ve ever seen her. The most depressing thing is, I know exactly how she feels. Once I left Roswell, I felt so free. I didn’t feel suffocated like I did here.”

“Aren’t you happy for her?” he asked in confusion.

“Yeah, but at the same time, I’m jealous. I couldn’t leave this town if I tried. I always get pulled back here like a magnet.”

“It’s your home, Liz,” Tristan said softly.

“It’s my cage. It always has been. All of this talk of destiny lately just makes me see that even more. Michael, Isabel, Max, you, and Serena are all stuck here because you have nowhere else to go. I have the whole entire whole in front of me but I‘m still stuck.”

“So is that why you’re leaving here?”

I nodded slowly. “You should understand why I’m leaving more then anyone else. Who told you anyway?”

“Max. I can’t blame you for wanting to leave.”

I shrugged. “It’s my decision. My life. It means a lot that you support me and all but it wouldn’t change anything if you didn’t. Sometimes, even heroes have to not care for once.”

“I thought you said you weren’t a hero.”

“I might as well be.”

Tristan stepped closer to me and placed a heavy hand on my shoulder. “I talked to the Council. Despite your best efforts to piss them off, which you did by the way, they still want to keep on eye on you. They agreed to keep Serena and I as your Seers.”

“By ‘keep an eye on me‘, do you mean…”

“You’re free but they are willing to help you if you need anything.”

I let out a relieved sigh. “I won’t.”

“Well I’m going to head over to Cal’s and pop in for some dinner,” Tristan said after a while.

I suddenly felt tired and yawned loudly. “I’m just going to stick around here a bit longer. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

When I heard the door close after he left, I sat down on a make-shirt chair made of cardboard boxes. I closed my eyes and let the sounds of sizzling burgers from my memory invade my senses. I don’t know how long I sat there just replaying past events that took place in this tiny café.

And if I listened hard enough, I could hear the sound of my father arguing with Jose over who was better between The Grateful Dead and The Beatles.

Maybe it was then that I had an epiphany.

I wanted my father to come back and I prayed that somehow I had misread the prophecy. But if he didn’t, then my mom and I would be all right. Holding on to that hope of his resurrection would just hold me back from moving on. My dad was gone and I knew it.

I dusted off my jeans and stood up, giving the Crashdown one last glance.

It was time to go home.

Chapter 40: Needing You
Michael

Liz didn’t come home for dinner. I hardly blamed her after the way I reacted to her announcement earlier today. I had done the exact thing she thought I’d do. I hadn’t even stopped to listen to what she was *really* saying. All I heard was that she was leaving. Dammit.

I began to wash the dishes and over the sound of the water running and my guilt-ridden thoughts, I didn’t hear Liz come in. Her small feet padded on the wood floor and I turned around a bit reluctantly to take her in. Liz fiddled with her hands and skittered her gaze around the room.

“You made dinner,” she said simply as she folded her jacket and placed it on the couch.

“I thought you’d be home,” I replied quietly as I placed the clean dishes in the cabinets.

Liz tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and bit her bottom lip. “I was at the Crashdown after my shift,“ she said, not quite meeting my eyes.

She was biting her lip and a wrinkle was forming above her eyebrow. She was nervous.“ Can we talk?”

I took a deep breath and faced away from her. “Not now,” I answered curtly.

Liz looked dejected. “But--”

“I love you and I want to fix this. But right now, I don’t think I can say the things that will make you feel better,” I replied honestly, my back still to her. She was silent for a moment.

“You’re angry,” she stated. Cursing myself to not being able to close the connection off, I just sighed heavily and turned to face her. Her bottom lip was trembling and she looked like she was about to cry. I clenched my fists in an attempt to not reach out and comfort her.

“I’m trying not to be,” I said sadly. “But right now--”

“Is it because I blocked you last night?” she asked in a small voice.

“No. It’s because you’ve been blocking me for a long time now about how you really feel. It’s because I’m angry with myself for not helping you. It’s because you think this only affects you when it doesn’t,” I found myself screaming, my frustration flooding over. She’s the one who wanted to talk about this.

She began to speak but I cut her off. “I understand that I can’t relate to how you feel. I respect you enough to never claim that I did. But don’t think for a second that I don’t feel overwhelmed sometimes too. Everyday that you wake up and feel like your time is ticking down, I feel it. Not because of the connection but because it makes me realize that one day I’m going to wake up and you aren’t going to be there. I almost wanted you to take that offer from Khivar, you know? I know it sounds selfish but--”

“It doesn’t. After all, I’m the one who considered taking it.”

“It hurts me just as much as it hurts you, Liz. I want you to know that.”

She reached out to me. “I didn’t know, Michael.”

“How could you *not* have known, Liz? Why would you have never considered that being with you would hurt me when I know how it’s supposed to end?“

Liz blinked away tears and her face twisted in pain.

“You should have asked,” I pointed out. “But then again, I should have asked you also.”

“I would have lied,” she answered honestly. “You can’t blame yourself for not being able to see how much trouble I’ve been having. I’ve been able to keep that from our connection. It was my choice to hide it from you.”

“You showed Max,” I replied pettily.

“Because I don’t love him like I love you. I didn’t want to scare you away. I knew you’d react like this.”

“React like what, Liz? Like you’ve been hiding all of this shit from me for months now? You spring on me that you were selected like some cattle for a prophecy I don’t want you be in and *then* you tell me that you choose…will choose…”

“Won’t choose,” she said firmly. Her eyes met mine and she looked away. “I’m having enough trouble thinking about being in a different city than you, Michael. How could I ever choose to leave you?”

“Probably just like you chose to deal with this by yourself. You chose to hide this from me, Liz. You couldn’t come to be when you needed help. What kind of relationship are we in when you can’t tell me that you’re falling apart?”

I began to breathe heavily, my anger escalading quickly. I had been going about this the wrong way. I had been blaming myself, thinking I had been doing something wrong. But it wasn’t me. It was Liz.

Liz’s eyes flashed with fear and she reached out to me again. “The kind that works through things like this. I love you.”

My heart lurched. I swallowed the lump in my throat and closed my eyes. “But you didn’t trust me enough, Liz. You never thought for a moment that maybe I’m falling apart too?”

She looked down at the floor and a tear escaped her eyes. “I’m right here, Liz. I always have been. If you had a problem, you should have come to me and not hid it in the connection. That’s how a relationship works, Liz.”

“God, Michael, I’m so sorry. I wish I could change things. I really do.”

“But you can’t.”

She held my gaze for a moment and then turned on her heel, heading for the door. The sight of her back facing away from me with her hand on the knob scared me horribly. My heart began to beat wildly. “Don’t leave,” I pleaded. “You don’t have to leave.”

She was still for a while. “What do we do now?”

I wished I could answer her. But I couldn’t.
*******
Liz left that night and stayed with her mother at Cal’s place. For the next week following that, I hardly saw her. She had taken the liberties to stay with her mother and never come home. From what her mother had told me, Liz was completely emerged in planning for her father’s funeral. Between work and school, Liz was always busy, always doing something.

Except talking to me.

Or even looking at me.

I missed her. She had cut the connection off and for the first time in what seemed like forever, it was just me inside of my head. I had my own thoughts and my own emotions. But I all I felt was lonely.

I wanted Liz to come home.

*****
Liz
I thought I was prepared for this day. Considering how much time I had spent planning everything down to the color of the flowers, the casket, the suit my father was wearing, I thought I would be. But I was wrong. I had seen my father’s body like that for a long time now. He was always still, non responsive. But something about him being lowered into the ground surrounded by red roses and wearing his favorite tuxedo was ripping my heart in two.

My mother was gripping my hand tightly, tears falling down her cheeks. I refused to cry. My eyes were too dry and my heart was too cold. I was too dead to even care.

I simply refused to accept the funeral ever happened. For all I cared to remember, I woke up that morning and somehow ended up in my room later that day packing my clothes in a duffel bag.

“Hey,” a soft voice said from behind me.

My mind prickled with awareness and I stopped packing, completely frozen. No, my mind was screaming. I can’t do this right now. I just *can’t*! My hands were shaking but I tried my hardest to stay calm. Just get him out, Liz, I said to myself.

“I’m leaving tomorrow night,” I managed to say; keeping my voice was blank as possible. All he was supposed to know was that I was leaving. Maybe I was already gone. He wasn’t supposed to know how much I missed him and how much it hurt me to have him push me away.

“I know,” Michael said slowly and I could feel his eyes dancing across my back.

Mustering all the strength I could, I turned around to face him. My heart leaped at setting eyes on him but I stood where I was. He looked like he hadn’t been sleeping. He looked like he missed me. “Why are you here?” I asked in a barely audible whisper.

Michael leaned on his left leg and pressed himself against my doorframe. “I needed to know if you’re coming back.”

“I’m only going for a week. Roswell is my home, Michael. Of course I’m--”

“No,” he said strongly, his eyes seeking out mine. “I need to know if you’re coming back to *me*.”

The sheer look of hope and desperation shining in his eyes made my eyes water immediately. It hurt to see him like this. It hurt even more that I didn’t know the answer to his question. “Everything you said was right, Michael. I should have trusted you and I shouldn’t have hid myself from you. I was being selfish by thinking that it was only my problem.”

Michael didn’t deny it. Instead he hung his head. I took a deep breath and looked away from him. “I hurt you and knowing that I could hurt you again, it scares me. I love you so much that it scares me.”

The winter here's cold, and bitter
It’s chilled us to the bone
We haven't seen the sun for weeks
Too long too far from home
I feel just like I'm sinking
And I claw for solid ground
I'm pulled down by the undertow
I never thought I could feel so low
Oh darkness I feel like letting go

Michael kept my gaze and reached out to me. I took a step back and wrapped my arms around myself. “The whole point of me leaving is so that I can make sense of all of this, so I can be stronger. I can’t find myself if I’m with you.”

I looked up to find that he was staring right at me. I didn’t need an open connection to feel what he was feeling right now. “We’re stronger together, Liz. You should know that by now,” he said quietly with determination. That’s when I knew that he wasn’t going to let me go.

“What do you want me to do, Michael? Because I’m really out of options right now. Do you suggest that I just pretend that everything is all right? We saw what happened last time I did that. Quite honestly, I can’t even bring myself to lie to you anymore. I can’t be with you, Michael. Not now. Not when I know I‘m hurting you. Just being near you is hurting you, you said that yourself.”

If all of the strength and all of the courage
Come and lift me from this place
I know I can love you much better than this
Full of grace
Full of grace
My love

“So what do you think you’re doing now? *This* hurts, Liz,” he said, gritting his teeth. “What I said that night, Liz…. being with you is complicated but it was my choice. I love you and that was my choice.”

I hung my head and looked at my feet. “But was it the right one?”

“Yes,” he said immediately. “I knew it the minute I realized that I loved you in Florida. I still know it now.”

He reached out to me again and his fingertips pressed against my wrist hesitantly. When I didn’t pull away, he pulled me closer to him and wrapped his arms around me.

So it's better this way, I said
Having seen this place before
Where everything we say and do
Hurts us all the more
It’s just that we stayed, too long
In the same old sickly skin
I'm pulled down by the undertow
I never thought I could feel so low
Oh darkness I feel like letting go

The connection immediately opened, causing us to hold each other tighter. Before I knew what was happening, warm tears were splashing down my face and onto his shirt. I reached up to futilely dry them with my palm when I realized that he was wearing a white dress shirt. My eyes snapped up to his.

“You were there?” I asked in a small voice.

He used his thumb to brush away my tears and nodded. “I just thought that maybe you would need me there,” he said into my hair.

“I did, Michael. I was just too stubborn to admit it.”

“I know,” he said with a small grin. I let out a small laugh and smiled up at him.

“I missed you,” I choked out.

“Good,” he grunted. Suddenly he frowned and I stepped out of his embrace so I could look at him fully. His gaze skittered over to the duffel bag on my bed. “I think now it’s going to be harder to see you leave.”

I took Michael’s hand and sat us down on the bed. “What I said is still true, Michael. I can’t--”

“So we’ll close the connection,” he said with disappointment.

He was silent for a moment. “I’ll come back to you,” I said, leaning into him. “I’ll always come back to you. I want you to know that.”

If all of the strength
And all of the courage
Come and lift me from this place
I know I could love you much better than this
Full of grace
Full of grace
My love


So then, we talked about anything and everything. When we weren’t talking, we were holding each other.

I had my head on his chest with his hand in my hair, as we were about to fall asleep. I missed sleeping like this--with Michael. His eyes were closed and his breathing was even so I knew he was asleep. With too many thoughts in my head, my eyes stayed open and I looked at my ceiling. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw my window and sat up.

“Michael!” I hissed, shaking him. “Michael, wake up!”

He grumbled and looked at me strangely. “What time is--?”

“Michael!” I said, stopping him from complained. “*Look*.”

It was snowing. I excitingly jumped out of the bed and touched the cold window. Michael just looked amused, happy that I was happy.

“I see you’re up.”

Michael and I looked to see my mother at the door. She was grinning widely, not even upset that Michael was here. She winked at me and said, “So I take it that you two will stop depressing the rest of Roswell?”

Michael looked embarrassed. “Yeah, I guess so.”

My mom laughed at his discomfort and crossed the room to stand next to me.

And the three of us watched the snow.

**Full of Grace by Sarah McLachlan

Chapter 41: Back To Square One
Liz

“You again,” I said with irritation as I realized where I was.

“I see you have made the right decision,” he said, taking in the room we were standing in. It was filled with bags and strewn clothes. “But you have only gotten halfway there.”

This time, he was disguised as my father again. “I do not wish to harm you,” he said, with a hitch of amusement in his voice. “I just want to show you the way.”

“I want to know your real name,” I blurted out, sick of his games. “I want to know what you really look like.”

“I told you who I am,” he replied a bit impatiently. “And what I do--my purpose. Why must you be so curious with the frivolous details?”

“Because I’m not sure if I should trust you, you work for evil too.”

“I work for no one, Vessel.”

I ground my teeth and clenched my fists. “Don’t call me that.”

He merely took me in with interest. “You wish to know my name, yet you do not wish to be called by yours.”

Trust was not an issue here, not anymore. All I wanted was for him to go away. But he kept looking at me with passive eyes that seemed to be sizing me up. Now, he was taunting me.

“In fact, I’m almost like you in a way. I’m just energy that is present when a solution must be fixed,” he said factually.

“No, I’m more than that,” I protested, growing angry quickly.

A smirk crossed his face and he almost laughed. “You’re human, right? Or at least that’s what you think. All I see is a very bright light. You see, that’s what I look like. You and I, we stretch into every crevice of every world. Once you reach your full power, you’ll realize this. Only then, will you see me.”

This words were chipping away at my heart. All he did was make me question myself more. I was a person, dammit, not a ball of energy to be used. “Have I set the balance right?” I asked, eager to get out of this dream.

“Not yet. Not until you leave.”

“Well than, I’ve fixed the imbalance. I’m leaving tomorrow.”

“It’s not always that simple child. I see all and I can hear your doubts. They scream at me. Tell me, can you leave him?”

“Don’t bring him into this,” I growled out. “He has nothing to do with this.”

“Wrong. He has everything to do with this. He is perhaps the only thing that can keep you from leaving or fulfilling your purpose. We cannot always predict love or it’s ramifications.”

“Michael, isn’t the problem, I am.”

“Is that so? You love him--that enough is a problem,” he hissed. I regarded him with murderous eyes and almost reached out and chocked him.

“Is that why you want me to leave? This was never about finding myself. You just want me to leave him,” Liz accused, her face flushing.

“That is not why I want you to leave, Vessel,” he bit off. “Why are getting so upset with me? I merely saying what you are thinking. You wonder if you are making the right decision by staying with him because of your fate. You wonder if he can make it without you and you without him. You know you are hurting him, Liz.”

“I love him,” I said quietly. “As much as I’m hurting him, I can’t leave him. Don’t ask me to leave him because I won’t do it.”

“I could never ask such a thing. You wouldn’t listen. The real reason why you are leaving is to make crucial decisions about this love of yours. Your sanity depends solely on that. You would have been holding all of your feelings in if it weren’t to protect him.”

He began to sense my thoughts and I pinned him with heavy glare. “That’s not true.” But by the trembling in my voice and my weak tone, it was obvious I was lying. What I fool I was. Did I honestly think that last night Michael and I had solved anything? I couldn’t think about this right now. Last night, everything was perfect. Now, all these thoughts were running through my head unwarranted.

“The truth hurts, vessel,” he cooed, almost in a caring voice. “This is for your own good. If you think it is hard to leave him now,” he began but then paused at the dangerous gleam in my eyes. “Do you not want to talk about this?”

“What are you getting at?”

“All I’m saying is that leaving to another city is a small feat. When you transcend to a level beyond Earth and humanity to save both, will you be ready to leave him then?”

“It’s not really something you can prepare for,” I said. “I try not to think about it.”

“You see the Council is more concerned about controlling your current fate. I, on the other hand, wish to steer you in the right direction. However, I’m less concerned about *why* you choose your fate in the end. I’m more concerned with the one reason that might keep you from making that decision. Maybe fate is predetermined and the finest of paths are usually those led with guides, but love is never foreseen. I have seen many wars and the falling of many empires, but nothing is more powerful than the love one holds in their hearts. It guides them rather than their destinies.”

“I‘m going to save the world,” I assured him. “You have my word on that.”

“I wonder how you’ll feel about that later on, when you have a choice.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

He didn’t react. He just looked back at me.

“Go back now, child, and fix the imbalance,” he commanded. “We will speak again.”

Before I could protest, the room faded.


I immediately knew where I was when I snapped to. Guilt slammed through me when I realized I was laying in Michael’s arms. I forgot how nice it felt to wake up like this. He was always warm and it felt like I was safe. It felt like I was supposed to be here with him. Suddenly his whole body stiffened and I looked to him in confusion, expecting to find him still sleeping.

Instead his eyes were right on me and they were dark with unbearable pain. A light probing in my head came to my attention and I closed my eyes shut at my own stupidity. The connection was open.

“Michael,” I began.

He hissed as if I was burning him and pulled away from me. His eyes were flashing brazenly at me, daring me to show something else. “I thought we were done hiding things from each other,” he growled out.


******
Michael
I wasn’t used to the full connection blaring in my head. Before I had been so overwhelmed about us reuniting that I hadn’t given it much thought. But when I woke the sheer force of all her thoughts running through my head startled me. When I finally realized what she was thinking, it was like a physical blow. Brick upon brick of doubt and guilt were falling on top of me.

The realization that the person I had been waking up next to for months wasn’t even sure if we should be together made me push her off of me. She had a guilty look on her face and said my name.

Go ahead, Liz, I wanted to scream. Lie to me some more.

“I thought we were done hiding things from each other,” I spat out. She flinched at my harsh tones and the thoughts running through my head. “What else have you been hiding from me?”

It was like bursts of emotions were exploding in my head. I couldn’t even concentrate. Then, suddenly it was gone. Liz’s eyes slowly met mine. “It’s complicated, Michael.”

“No, it’s not,” I bit off. “You’ve been lying to me. You’ve been having doubts like this for a long time now. Did you never want to talk about it or did you just want to keep it to myself?”

Her face contorted with anger. “They are *my* thoughts and my business--”

“I thought that we decided you’d tell me things.”

“Give me chance to explain, dammit! You only know half the story and you’re jumping to conclusions!”

I sat back on the bed and gave her an imploring look. “Start from the beginning,” I said tersely.

“I’ve never lied to you, Michael. You don’t know what I’ve been dealing with.”

“I know,” I whispered, my heart breaking. God, I wish I had been there. I wish she had come to me.

She bit her lip and shook her head. “No, you don’t understand.”

“How come you never let me?” I asked, suddenly. “How come whenever you’re hurting, you don’t come to me?”

“Michael, what? That’s not true,” she denied.

“When you found out about the prophecy, you didn’t tell me. When you found out about your father, you said you needed time alone. But that night, you went out with Tristan. Yesterday, for the funeral, pride wasn‘t the only thing keeping you from coming back to me, was it?”

“Michael,” she began to protest. But I could see in her eyes that she was seeing what I had been seeing all along.

“Tell me *one* time you came to me.”

She was silent and tears began to slip down her cheeks. Our connection didn’t have to be open right now to know what I was feeling. “I love you, Michael. So much….” she began. “The thing is my dreams is right. I would neglect my destiny for you.”

“So, what’s your solution? Leave town so you can pull away and fall out of love with me?” I asked harshly. “Tell me what your going away is going to solve? Because you are never going to used to what you have to do and it doesn’t matter where you are, you’re going to wake up and feel like a timer is clicking down.”

Liz was reaching out to touch me and I kept pulling away. Dammit, I loved her so much and it hurt like hell having to pull away from her like this. But it didn’t change the fact that she had to understand.

“You don’t have a choice here, Liz. But I do. I chose to be with you…to love you, all by myself. You cannot take that away from me. I won’t let you.”

Hey guys! Thanks for all the FB, I'm glad to be updating again--and even more happy to see that you guys actually like the story. Anyway, I know y'all have questions. So here's some cryptic answers for ya lol. The government is going to resurface again in the plot soon and some interesting stuff is gonna go down . Details about the prophecy are shady for a reason. No one knows what the hell is going to happen, but I promise it's going to get good. This story should be rounding to an end in about ten (long) chapters, so it's all gona make sense soon. Enjoy!



Chapter 42: What You’re Looking For
Song “What If’ by Coldplay used in this chapter! *Some credit goes to Btvs for a concept I use in this chapter*

What if there was no lie
Nothing wrong, nothing right
What if there was no time
And no reason, or rhyme

He didn’t say goodbye, was all that was repeating in my head as I sat in the back seat of my mom’s van. Michael had left my room after our confrontation. Not that I stopped him or said anything to make it better--in fact, I said nothing at all. It hit me with a blinding clarity as all I could see was desert, suddenly, that now I was truly alone. I had to deal with all of this by myself and that scared me.

What if you should decide
That you don't want me there by your side
That you don't want me there in your life

My mother kept glancing at me through the rearview mirror. I could tell she was worried about me. And the real kicker was that so was Michael. While it disturbed him that I couldn’t go to him, he was worried out of his mind. “Mom, do you think that I--”

“What is it exactly that you’re looking for?” she asked thoughtfully.

“Michael asked me that this morning,” I scoffed. “I still don’t have an answer.”

“Is that what you’re looking for? Answers?” she prodded.

No. I had all the answers, didn’t I?

“Liz,” she said gently. “I get that you don’t have the normal teenage angst I had when I was your age. But I understand that you feel lost and that you want to find something, even if you don’t know what it is. But, sweetie, you belong with Roswell with your friends. Anyone can see that.”

What if I got it wrong
And no poet or song
Could put right what I got wrong
Or make you feel I belong

“No, I don’t belong with them. I’m different, even from them. I’m so much stronger than they are and they don’t--,” and I stopped, worried I’d spill to my mother. It wasn’t the time yet.

“Is that why you’re their leader? Because you’re stronger than them?”

“No,” I protested. “Max--”

“He doesn’t want you to leave, Liz. None of them do. Liz, I can see it very clearly what goes on between all of you. You take the whole world on your shoulders, accept all of their responsibilities, and make their decisions. Especially Michael’s,” she added pointedly.

“That’s only because he won’t do what’s necessary.”

“All he wants is to be treated like an equal, like there are two people steering your relationship..,” she began to say.

“Has Michael talked to you about this? Are you trying to say that I think that I’m better than him?”

“Don’t you think so?”

Ooh ooh-ooh, that's right
Let's take a breath, try to hold it inside
Ooh ooh-ooh, that's right
How can you know it, if you don't even try
Ooh ooh-ooh, that's right

“No! Of course not! How can you even begin to think--”

“Than why won’t you listen to him or any of them?”

“Because it doesn’t matter what they think!” I exploded. “They don’t have to deal with that I deal with. They can’t understand and they can’t fix it. So why should I *care* what they think is best for *me* when they aren’t *me*?”

What if you should decide
That you don't want me there in your life
That you don't want me there by your side

The car was silent for a long moment. I sunk in my seat, realizing she was right. “Liz, sweetie, I’m sorry. I just don’t want you to make a mistake.”

“Michael,” I said numbly. “Told me that I don’t come to him with my problems but I only do that because I just want to protect him. But how can I be better than them, if I’m so much worse? I can’t handle any of this and it’s too much, so what do I do? I run away! I’m a coward, Mom. I’m weak and pathetic. I can’t possibly deserve--”

To save the world.

They should have picked someone stronger, someone who didn’t have to be fixed.

Ooh ooh-ooh, that's right
Let's take a breath, try to hold it inside
Ooh ooh-ooh, that's right
How can you know when you don't even try
Ooh ooh-ooh, that's right

My mother’s soft eyes met mine and she frowned. “I know that whatever it is that you haven’t been telling me, plays a large role in what you’re about to do. But all you’re doing is running away.”

Tears began to leak out of my eyes, my helplessness hitting me full force. “I can’t feel like this forever. I just can’t do it.”

“That, my dear, is because you weren’t meant to with the early tragic death and all,” a familiar voice quipped from beside me. I gasped when I saw Khivar’s cold blue eyes staring right into mine.

“Mom!” I screamed, wanting to get her out of harm’s way.

“What, honey?” she asked as if a mass murderer wasn’t sitting next to me.

It occurred to me that I couldn’t feel any body heat from him and to test my theory, I reached out towards him and my hand went right through him. “Oh, that tickles. Astral projection, Liz.”

“I thought I saw an animal. I didn’t want you to hit it,” I excused lamely. My mother just shrugged and nodded.

“Why don’t you get some sleep, honey? I know you’re upset and…,” but Khivar decided to comment.

“I thought it was touching. Who knew you were so sensitive, Liz? Makes me all tingly inside,” he teased. “Unless you want her to hear our conversation, you might want her to see you sleeping--if you catch my drift.”

As much as I hated to admit it, he was right. She’d ask too many questions that I just couldn’t answer. “Done,” I said, a few seconds later. “What do you what?”

“I just thought I’d drop in and see how you were doing,” he said sarcastically.

“I’m doing just fine. Now get the hell out of my head or whatever it is that you’re doing,” I said through clenched teeth.

“Do you know what the difference is between you and me?”

“You’re evil. I think that just about sums it up, don’t you?”

“That’s one thing. But there’s a another one,” he coaxed. “Come on, Liz. Play my game.”

“You’re a killer, for starters.”

He laughed. “You had no problem killing Nicolas, now did you? Well I’ll let you in on my little secret, if you meet me somewhere.”

“I’m sorry, but I don’t date my enemies,” I tossed back. Asshole.

“I’m sure you can figure out a way to pop a tire on this piece of crap you call a car. Then you take a little walk to the granolith chamber and we’ll talk.”

My eyes narrowed. “You can’t get in there.”

“Well I may not have an invitation, but I can do this nifty trick where things go ‘boom’. You know I can’t hurt you, Liz. We’re safe as houses.”

“What do you want to talk about?” I prodded, not trusting him one bit.

“Come and find out, Vessel. I’ll be waiting,” and then he was gone. I pulled the mind warp off my mother and squeezed my eyes shut.

“Dammit,” I growled.

“What, Liz?” my mother asked.

“I think something happened to the tire. I heard a noise,” I lied through my teeth.

“Are you sure?”

A loud hissing noise could be heard now, since I just popped the two front tires. “We must have run over glass or something.”


***********
Michael

“So guys night out isn’t really working, is it?” Tristan asked lamely. “I mean, I go through all the trouble of getting you louses fake IDs so you can get drunk somewhat legally and drown your sorrows and all I get is *this*.”

Kyle looked just as gloomy as Max, who both were still down from Mr. Parker’s funeral. Not to mention, Liz’s recent departure without so much as a goodbye to anyone. Then, of course, there was me, who was doing a very good impression of a stone statue. And rounding out the group, there was…

“My sorrows are officially drowned,” Alex slurred. We all rolled our eyes, basking in the glory that our boys night out was a flat out failure. A dark and smoke-filled bar was not what I needed. What I needed was on her way out of town.

“Alex, you have no sorrows,” Kyle groaned even though it wasn’t entirely true. Either way, whatever sorrows tall and lanky had, were dead by the fifth shot of vodka.

Alex looked serious for a moment and leaned in so only we could hear him. “I have them. I am very sensitive you know. I have layers…like a bundt cake.”

Alex began to giggle hysterically. Max scoffed, “And I thought we couldn’t handle our liquor.”

“Well you can’t if you don’t drink anything,” Tristan complained.

“Getting us drunk so you can seduce us in our intoxicated state, Tristan, is something only you would try to do,” I said grumpily.

“Oh, the Almighty Mullet speaks,” he gasped dramatically. I shot him a deadly glare and he backed off.

“Bundt cakes don’t have layers, Alex,” Kyle informed him.

“They do when they are spinning around your head,” Alex groaned. He collapsed his head into his hands and moaned in agony. “Why did you let me get so drunk? I am *so* drunk.”

“No shit,” we all replied.

“But things are so much clearer when you’re drunk,” Alex slurred out.

“Really?” Kyle laughed. “Enlighten us, Great Alex.”

“The ramblings of the great Vodkadamus, will do us no good…and…,” Tristan started but then his eyes took on a glazed look and he crumpled in a heap on the floor.

“Tristan!” I yelled, trying to help him up.

He still looked dazed when he was able to stand up. We were all confused at how he just collapsed so suddenly. “Oh no. Is it, Liz?”

“What do you mean?” Max asked, almost frozen in panic. “What’s wrong with Liz?”

“The balance, it’s all wrong. Oh god, he’s going to take it away from her. He have to stop him!” was all Tristan got out before he began to run towards the door. We all took of after him, the patrons of the bar giving us odd looks.

“Tristan! What the hell is going on?” I yelled, frustrated with his cryptic messages. Kyle already had his keys out, not particularly caring why we had to save her.

“If we don’t get to her now, she’ll die,” he stated simply. His eyes looked pained and his stance was rigid.

“That’s impossible. She’s invincible,” Kyle argued.

Tristan looked at me dead in the eyes and swallowed hard. “Call Isabel and Serena. We’re going to need back-up.”

“For what?” Max asked.

“We don’t have as much time as we thought. It’s beginning. Right now.”