Part 30
Posted: Wed Oct 15, 2008 6:43 pm
Part 30
Fly Away
Fly away little bird
Any place in this open mouthed world
Begs to be fed like a bed that beckons you, but you won't rest
Everyone's got a need to go
Most of us stick with our row to hoe
But not you, you're the black crow
With a straight line, and no time
For the birds of prey who wreck your nest
Twice your size steal your best
They set you on this course of your collision
I am a stop along your way
I am the words you'll never say
I crossed the great beyond of fear
I opened my eyes and saw us there, what a view
You went there too
Fly away little bird
Find the song in you that no one's heard
Strenghthen your wings as you sing your solo flight
Through this short life
Everyone's got a deep regret
We try to ground ourselves to forget
But your race to the end is neck and neck
You love them, you love them not
The birds of prey who wreck your nest,
Twice your size steal your best
They set you on this course of your collision
I am a stop along your way
I am the words you'll never say
I crossed the great beyond of fear
Opened my eyes and saw us there, what a view
And you went there too
But all along your chosen path are
Window panes and sheets of glass
That you won't see
You fly too fast
One day it will be over
Fly away little bird
The saddest song I ever heard
Was the one I wrote you in my heart
- Indigo Girls
Liz’s feet fell softly as she walked through the alley toward a small neighborhood park – the same one she had run from less than a week ago. The freshly fallen snow had yet to be disturbed in this part of the town, a few side-streets away from most traffic. Its sense of seclusion in the midst of this bustling city was probably part of what drew Max here.
Liz stopped short as she turned the corner of the alley onto the street lined with townhouses. Her eyes were filled with the sight of the man she had been seeking. He was where she hoped she would find him: sitting on a bench in the park he had brought her to the day they had said those awful things to one another.
Alex had been right when he said she knew where to find Max. Max had always sought a place familiar and soothing when he was confused or upset. For a while that place had been her balcony. At the moment it seemed to be this park.
Slowly approaching him, Liz let the youthful joy she felt upon seeing him wash over her. He was dressed in tan slacks and a green knit-sweater, his coat draped across the park bench. His eyes fixed on something in front of him. Or maybe they were fixed on something within. He looked lost in thought.
He looked lost.
Perhaps sensing a presence, or perhaps hearing her steps, Max turned from his contemplation to Liz. Their eyes met and her heart jumped.
“Liz,” he startled. His lips remained parted, his breath shallow.
She said nothing until she finished the last few steps to the bench. Sinking down on the bench next to him she offered a hesitant smile. He opened his mouth wider—as though to say something more—but offered no words. She took a breath and then took the opportunity to fill in the silence.
“It doesn’t work like that between us.”
“What do you mean?”
She gave him her best “I-know-you’re-not-that-thick” look and answered his question anyway. “Did you think you could write me that letter and I’d read it and go about my merry way? After what happened the night Nicholas kidnapped me and everything yesterday, did you really think we could just leave things like that?”
“I didn’t think there was anything to say. You’ve moved on. You did a long time ago.” He didn’t sound angry or betrayed. If anything he sounded resigned.
“Is that really how you see it?”
“Liz,” he sighed and turned his gaze away from her. When Max didn’t speak to her for more than a few moments, she decided to try another route.
“Max, in your letter you said something that just isn’t right. I don’t know what to tell you about being a king or an alien, but I do know that you have people to love.” Her words drew his attention back. “You have your sister and Michael and your parents.
Max winced and she hoped he wasn’t focusing on the fact that she had rather conspicuously left her own name off that list.
“Right, because I’ve been so easy to love these past few years. Blind to the needs of anyone other than myself, so pathetically self-involved. I’m sure they’ll welcome me back to the fold with open arms.”
“It’s not going to be easy. You’ll probably have to eat a lot of crow and most likely it’ll take a long time to mend those fences. But you can, Max, and that’s the point. It won’t be simple and it won’t be painless but I doubt the people who loved you ever stopped.” She paused for a moment, daring herself to take the chance she had just given herself. “They just might not have known how to show it or if you even wanted their love. So you have to show them that you do.
“The people who loved me?” His voice was softer and almost… almost hopeful? Liz quickly rejected that thought. There was no way the Max who wrote her that beautiful but dejected letter could know what she was trying to say but terrified of doing so.
“Yes, Michael, Isabel, your parents…” Her voice dropped off, not able to speak another name. Coward, she internally accused herself. Shaking off her inner battle, she focused on the man in front of her. “Look, I don’t know if that really helps your identity crisis, but it’s all I really know to tell you. Maybe in rediscovering what it is to love and be loved, you’ll figure out yourself and your place here on earth”
“Do I even have a place on earth?” he countered.
“Max, you—” she began but was cut off.
“I don’t mean that in some pitiful way. I’ve had a place – a weird one, sure – but a place, a purpose. And now that’s done. What if I don’t get another one?”
Liz reflected on his words for a moment before she spoke. “Okay, maybe you don’t have a place already set out for you. But think about it – very few people do. Now you’ll get to be like the rest of us message-from-mom-less humans. You’ll have to make your own place. Determine your own destiny.”
The corners of his mouth turned up slightly. “That would be nice. Better than nice.”
She smiled back but was disheartened to see the trace of hope falling quickly from his face.
“What did you just think about?” she pressed.
“Nothing,” he muttered dismissingly but she wouldn’t stand for evasion any longer.
“It wasn’t nothing.”
He shifted on the park bench, kicking gently at the snow in front of him. He was clearly uncomfortable with telling her whatever had entered his thoughts. She probably could have probed his mind with her senses—gotten at least a more accurate assessment of his feelings—but she wouldn’t do that. The time where she could rationalize such subterfuge had long passed.
“Max, you’ve been amazingly honest with me. Please, don’t stop now.”
The pleading in her voice and visage got to him.
“I just had that little voice in my head remind me that I can’t make my destiny what I want it to be.”
He looked at her so pointedly Liz had no doubt what he meant.
“Because I’m over you,” she filled in, recalling his previous statements.
“Yes.”
“Over you, huh?” Was he really this dense?
“Liz, it’s okay,” he tried to assure her, something which just made her frustrated. She shook her head, telling him it wasn’t okay.
“I used to think I was over you. Longed to be over you. I would tell myself I was. But you were everywhere.” Her voice wavered slightly as she continued. “You are everywhere. In my conscious thoughts, my unconscious; I dream about you at least once a week. You’re imprinted on my mind… on my heart.”
Something passed over his face at hearing those words but Liz didn’t pause to ask what had prompted that look. She already knew what that particular mixture of disbelief and hope looked like on him.
“When I try and think about it logically it seems a little ridiculous. We didn’t even date for two months—at least not officially. When my college friends ask me why I’m not good at keeping guys around, when they want to know who the man I must be pining over is, I feel a little silly telling them what happened, the non-alien version of course.”
“You don’t keep them around?” he asked softly, that discernable look no longer just passing by. It was firmly fixed on his face.
“It’s kind of hard for another guy to hold your interest when you’ve already dated a life-saving, soul-seeing, dream-causing, serious, dark-haired mystery man from an exotic place.
Max didn’t smile at the reference. Instead he added, “Who broke your heart and treated you like dirt.”
“We’ve both done our fair share of heart-breaking.”
“Liz, I definitely believe you haven’t met someone worthy of you. I don’t even know if that person exists. But I’m not one to hold up for comparison. I’m not worth it.”
“You aren’t a monster, you aren’t worthless.” She heard herself getting louder, as though the more firmly she said these words, the more likely he would be to believe them. “You aren’t unwanted or unneeded. You… you’re my Max. You always will be.”
“Liz,” his voice cracked.
She refused to get lost in the emotion she felt flowing from him. Being this open with him, Liz couldn’t help but sense some of what he was feeling. But she couldn’t allow herself to sit and bask in that overwhelming love. The love she had longed for. She had to get this out now. “What you saw this morning wasn’t evidence of me being over you. It was a misunderstanding. Another misunderstanding. Except this time I hadn’t planned it.”
“What are you talking about?” The confusion in his gaze mixed with the closeness she felt. How was she going to do this? Where did she even start?
She must have looked as pained as she felt because Max leaned slightly closer to her and in a soft voice asked, “Liz, are you all right?”
Liz gave a half-laugh. “No. I’m really, really not.”
The concern and worry she felt washing over her combined with the expression on Max’s face quickly pulled her out of her own turmoil. Placing a hand on his arm in assurance, she said “I’m not hurt or in trouble or anything. I need to tell you something but I don’t know how.”
“Liz,” he said encouragingly.
“I’ve thought about telling you a thousand times.”
Max reached out and took both of her hands in his. “Whatever it is, you can. Just say it. Trust me, it’s easy.”
“I…” A thought came to her. “A few nights ago you gave me a gift. You took something that had been so ugly, so hurtful, and turned it to what it should have always been. A memory of love…”
He squeezed her hands lightly.
“I want to do the same.”
A blend of confusion and hope danced on the edge of Liz’s senses. Though she was not reaching out to Max, his emotions were reaching out to her. Her words must have cut him off guard.
“There’s something that’s been between us for a long time. A lie told out of the best intention.”
Max pulled his hands away from hers. Though his emotions were no longer reaching out to her, his face told her that his confusion was now mixed with apprehension.
“A lie?”
Not ready to address the lie in question quite yet, Liz backtracked.
“Maybe I should start somewhere else.”
“Okay.” The apprehension in his face eased a bit.
“That autumn—no, not just that autumn. Since the moment you saved me, I would have done anything for you.” Both smiled slightly at memories of eager teenage devotion.
“So much that I did in those days came out of love for you. I ran away at the rocks in part because I was overwhelmed—scared even—but also because I thought it was the least I could do for you. In that split second, I thought I could just take myself out of the picture and uncomplicated things. Make it easier to follow the path that had been laid out for you.”
“Nothing could have made me forget you then. Nothing ever has.”
Her heart clinched. “I know. Believe me, I know. I just want you to understand what I was thinking—where my mind was—when it happened.”
“It?”
“The night you sang to me,” she paused, smiling at the memory. “I never did get to tell you how absolutely romantic—and ridiculous—that was. The night you sang to me, someone else was there with me.”
“Kyle?” Max asked, his voice darker.
“No, not Kyle,” she rushed to assure him. “No, the person who was there was someone who knew a lot about me and even more about you. Someone who knew you were going to show up at my balcony, who knew what you’d sing, the flowers you had. Everything.”
“Liz, I didn’t tell anyone, other than Mr. Delgado. Not Isabel and certainly not Michael. Not even Maria.”
“But you knew.”
“Yes.” He answered her slowly, processing her words as he replied. “Okay, now I’m getting lost.”
She grimaced, not at his words but her inability to say what she needed to say. “I’m saying this all wrong. I guess the easiest way is just to say it. You were there that night—not the high school you, but an older you. A future you.”
“A future me?” His tone was—rather expectedly—incredulous.
As though she were explaining a chemistry equation, Liz used her calmest, clearest voice as she continued. “You had come from the future—fourteen years into the future—a future where Kivar had not given up power, a future where Earth was a battleground. A future where you had held Michael as he took his dying breath.”
“H-how?”
“The granolith. Among its many other uses, it can be used to manipulate the time-space continuum. You used it to leave that horrible time behind and come back to me. To try and stop that future from ever happening.”
Max opened his mouth to speak stopped; something had caught his eye. Liz glanced behind her and saw a young family coming out of their brownstone. The man was carrying a little girl down the steps while the woman followed behind with a stroller. As the family reached the bottom, the father placed his daughter in the stroller while the mother reached into her purse and pulled out small fuzzy hat. After securing the hat on her child, the mother reached out and took the father’s arm, walking alongside him as he pushed the stroller. Liz and Max watched the family until the disappeared around a corner bend.
Liz couldn’t help but glance back at Max with a little envy in her heart. Future Max had never mentioned children nor had she seen any evidence of any in her vision of the future. Such things between them might never be possibly – biologically let alone emotionally. Still, a small part of her longed for a moment like they had just witnessed.
“So a future version of me appeared and enlisted you to stop the end of the world?” Max asked, drawing them both back into their conversation.
“Yes.”
“Why didn’t you come to me? Uh, the present version of me, that is.”
She shrugged. “It may sound silly, but it was because you told me not to. You thought your younger self wouldn’t go along with the plan. Wouldn’t like what saving the world had to mean.”
Max’s eyes narrowed. “What did it have to mean?”
“That’s the worst part.”
“What did I tell you, Liz?” His hand reached out and took hold her arm gently.
The roughness in his voice worried her. This was why she had hesitated to ever tell him. He was already blaming himself. How did she tell him the rest of her story without giving him more ammunition for his constant battle against his own self-worth?
“Future Liz and Max didn’t know Tess’ true colors. She had left when they were still in high school, not long after the point in the timeline that he came to visit me. They thought that with her power, they would stand a better chance of beating their enemies.”
He shook his head. “How could they—we—be so naïve? Where did we get that idea?”
Liz quickly debated whether or not to tell Max of Serena and decided not. Her story was complicated enough without including a mysterious and wise little girl and how the future versions misunderstood her message.
“We needed more firepower, I suppose. Something to even the odds.”
“You managed to take out Nicholas just fine here and now. Why would we have needed her?”
Liz smiled slightly at Max’s vote of confidence in her. “I hadn’t developed those particular abilities in that other lifetime. My current snap, crackle, and pop must be one of those side effects from altering the future.”
He squeezed her arm gently. “Then there is one thing to be thankful for.”
“Didn’t also seem that way. You should see how many lamps I’ve gone through over the years.”
He began to smile but cut himself off. “So out desperation we thought we needed her. What did we do to get her? What did it cost us?”
“Everything.” The word slipped out before Liz could censor herself.
Max’s hands moved to grip her by the shoulders. It wasn’t a violent hold, rather excruciatingly tender in its care for her. With a somber voice he asked, “Liz, what happened? What did I make you do?”
“Max, you had just been through hell and back. Not only had you lost Isabel and Michael, but you had almost lost me.”
His hands slightly tightened their grasp on her.
“The future version of me,” she continued softly, “she was captured and tortured by Nicholas.”
“Oh God.” Max pulled his hands away from her, clinching them until his knuckles turned white.
Liz hurried to assure him, “But the other you came and rescued her. And she was okay. She was strong enough to make it through physically and mentally.”
“But she—you—suffered at the hands of my enemy. Because of me.”
Liz grimaced. “That’s what Future Max thought. Even though that other me told him she loved him, even though she assured him everything she went through was worth it to be with him, he didn’t believe it.”
“I have seen what Nicholas could do. Nothing—no one—is worth that.”
Liz sighed. She had seen the future version of herself lose this argument with her Max; she doubted she’d have any better luck.
“Right or wrong, that was what he thought when he came to visit me. That’s why he came up with the plan to keep Tess around that changed the course of our lives forever.”
“And what exactly,” Max asked slowly, “was this plan?”
“To find a way to make you fall out of love with me. Or at least hate me enough that you’d run to her.”
Max blinked. Once. Twice. She could tell pieces were starting to come together for him.
“Nothing could make me do that, Liz,” he spoke, though his words lacked conviction.
Matter-of-factly, Liz replied, “Making you think I had slept with Kyle seemed to do the trick.”
His deep inhale of breath told her he had heard he words. No other response came. His hands remained in his lap, his eyes still held hers, and the air between them didn’t whisper any of his emotions. She forced herself to remain quiet while he processed her words. She would give him all the time he needed; she wouldn’t press for a response.
Her insides froze as the seconds turned into what seemed like minutes.
Finally, something happened. He raised a hand to the back of his neck, a gesture she had seen before, but not usually accompanied by a shaking hand. At least she hadn’t shocked him into paralysis. Another moment passed and he spoke, “You and Kyle never…”
“No, we never. I never…” She gave him a half-smile. “Let’s just say you weren’t wrong in thinking the Liz Parker you knew would only be with someone she loved. And you’re the only man I’ve ever really loved.”
“Oh.”
Liz’s stomach turned. The word did nothing to warm her.
The two sat on that bench, words lost to the ruminations of the heart and mind. Second by second slowly ticked by and he said nothing. Liz tried to swallow the tears she felt rising. She had just bared everything she had been holding on to in silence and sadness for years and all he could manage was “oh?” It was too much, or rather too little. There was no way she could keep all her anxiety from bubbling up and over.
“Do you hate me?” Liz rushed the words out, hoping with speed she could avoid a break in her voice or a few dropped tears. She wasn’t successful.
“Hate you?” Max sounded stunned. He quickly gathered her in his arms, pressing her head against his chest. She continued to let loose tears as he spoke. “Never. I have never hated you and I’m certainly not going to start now. Yes, I’ve got a lot of questions and maybe I’ll wonder at the hows and the whys for awhile, but that doesn’t change how I feel about you. How I have always felt about you.”
“Oh.” Her voice muffled against his chest, she couldn’t lift her head up to say anything more. She just wanted to rest in his arms, listening to his steady heart beat.
“I do have one question now, though.”
“Hmm?”
“What does this mean?”
“Mean?” she echoed as she lifted her head up.
“For us.”
The essential question.
Liz pulled back slightly, still within the security of his arms. “I don’t know what it means exactly. I don’t know a lot of things.”
“Do you think… you would think about...”
“What?” Liz pressed as she lifted her hand to his cheek.
“I always thought you didn’t love me as much as I loved you.” He took the hand on his cheek in his own hand as she started to protest.
“And who could blame you if that was true? I may not have done it well, but loving you is the easiest and most profound thing I’ve ever done. But what you did, years ago and in the last few weeks...” His mouth turned up slightly at the corners. “Maybe I was wrong.”
So wrong, she agreed silently.
He took a deep, shuddering breath. She could tell he was either incredibly excited or nervous. Or both.
“I know I have no right, but I have to ask. Do you see a path for us? Would you consider being with me?”
Liz’s heart stopped mid-beat. The look on his face, that hope, that love. The feel of his arms around her, so strong, so secure. How could she say no?
“Max, I can’t.”
Fly Away
Fly away little bird
Any place in this open mouthed world
Begs to be fed like a bed that beckons you, but you won't rest
Everyone's got a need to go
Most of us stick with our row to hoe
But not you, you're the black crow
With a straight line, and no time
For the birds of prey who wreck your nest
Twice your size steal your best
They set you on this course of your collision
I am a stop along your way
I am the words you'll never say
I crossed the great beyond of fear
I opened my eyes and saw us there, what a view
You went there too
Fly away little bird
Find the song in you that no one's heard
Strenghthen your wings as you sing your solo flight
Through this short life
Everyone's got a deep regret
We try to ground ourselves to forget
But your race to the end is neck and neck
You love them, you love them not
The birds of prey who wreck your nest,
Twice your size steal your best
They set you on this course of your collision
I am a stop along your way
I am the words you'll never say
I crossed the great beyond of fear
Opened my eyes and saw us there, what a view
And you went there too
But all along your chosen path are
Window panes and sheets of glass
That you won't see
You fly too fast
One day it will be over
Fly away little bird
The saddest song I ever heard
Was the one I wrote you in my heart
- Indigo Girls
Liz’s feet fell softly as she walked through the alley toward a small neighborhood park – the same one she had run from less than a week ago. The freshly fallen snow had yet to be disturbed in this part of the town, a few side-streets away from most traffic. Its sense of seclusion in the midst of this bustling city was probably part of what drew Max here.
Liz stopped short as she turned the corner of the alley onto the street lined with townhouses. Her eyes were filled with the sight of the man she had been seeking. He was where she hoped she would find him: sitting on a bench in the park he had brought her to the day they had said those awful things to one another.
Alex had been right when he said she knew where to find Max. Max had always sought a place familiar and soothing when he was confused or upset. For a while that place had been her balcony. At the moment it seemed to be this park.
Slowly approaching him, Liz let the youthful joy she felt upon seeing him wash over her. He was dressed in tan slacks and a green knit-sweater, his coat draped across the park bench. His eyes fixed on something in front of him. Or maybe they were fixed on something within. He looked lost in thought.
He looked lost.
Perhaps sensing a presence, or perhaps hearing her steps, Max turned from his contemplation to Liz. Their eyes met and her heart jumped.
“Liz,” he startled. His lips remained parted, his breath shallow.
She said nothing until she finished the last few steps to the bench. Sinking down on the bench next to him she offered a hesitant smile. He opened his mouth wider—as though to say something more—but offered no words. She took a breath and then took the opportunity to fill in the silence.
“It doesn’t work like that between us.”
“What do you mean?”
She gave him her best “I-know-you’re-not-that-thick” look and answered his question anyway. “Did you think you could write me that letter and I’d read it and go about my merry way? After what happened the night Nicholas kidnapped me and everything yesterday, did you really think we could just leave things like that?”
“I didn’t think there was anything to say. You’ve moved on. You did a long time ago.” He didn’t sound angry or betrayed. If anything he sounded resigned.
“Is that really how you see it?”
“Liz,” he sighed and turned his gaze away from her. When Max didn’t speak to her for more than a few moments, she decided to try another route.
“Max, in your letter you said something that just isn’t right. I don’t know what to tell you about being a king or an alien, but I do know that you have people to love.” Her words drew his attention back. “You have your sister and Michael and your parents.
Max winced and she hoped he wasn’t focusing on the fact that she had rather conspicuously left her own name off that list.
“Right, because I’ve been so easy to love these past few years. Blind to the needs of anyone other than myself, so pathetically self-involved. I’m sure they’ll welcome me back to the fold with open arms.”
“It’s not going to be easy. You’ll probably have to eat a lot of crow and most likely it’ll take a long time to mend those fences. But you can, Max, and that’s the point. It won’t be simple and it won’t be painless but I doubt the people who loved you ever stopped.” She paused for a moment, daring herself to take the chance she had just given herself. “They just might not have known how to show it or if you even wanted their love. So you have to show them that you do.
“The people who loved me?” His voice was softer and almost… almost hopeful? Liz quickly rejected that thought. There was no way the Max who wrote her that beautiful but dejected letter could know what she was trying to say but terrified of doing so.
“Yes, Michael, Isabel, your parents…” Her voice dropped off, not able to speak another name. Coward, she internally accused herself. Shaking off her inner battle, she focused on the man in front of her. “Look, I don’t know if that really helps your identity crisis, but it’s all I really know to tell you. Maybe in rediscovering what it is to love and be loved, you’ll figure out yourself and your place here on earth”
“Do I even have a place on earth?” he countered.
“Max, you—” she began but was cut off.
“I don’t mean that in some pitiful way. I’ve had a place – a weird one, sure – but a place, a purpose. And now that’s done. What if I don’t get another one?”
Liz reflected on his words for a moment before she spoke. “Okay, maybe you don’t have a place already set out for you. But think about it – very few people do. Now you’ll get to be like the rest of us message-from-mom-less humans. You’ll have to make your own place. Determine your own destiny.”
The corners of his mouth turned up slightly. “That would be nice. Better than nice.”
She smiled back but was disheartened to see the trace of hope falling quickly from his face.
“What did you just think about?” she pressed.
“Nothing,” he muttered dismissingly but she wouldn’t stand for evasion any longer.
“It wasn’t nothing.”
He shifted on the park bench, kicking gently at the snow in front of him. He was clearly uncomfortable with telling her whatever had entered his thoughts. She probably could have probed his mind with her senses—gotten at least a more accurate assessment of his feelings—but she wouldn’t do that. The time where she could rationalize such subterfuge had long passed.
“Max, you’ve been amazingly honest with me. Please, don’t stop now.”
The pleading in her voice and visage got to him.
“I just had that little voice in my head remind me that I can’t make my destiny what I want it to be.”
He looked at her so pointedly Liz had no doubt what he meant.
“Because I’m over you,” she filled in, recalling his previous statements.
“Yes.”
“Over you, huh?” Was he really this dense?
“Liz, it’s okay,” he tried to assure her, something which just made her frustrated. She shook her head, telling him it wasn’t okay.
“I used to think I was over you. Longed to be over you. I would tell myself I was. But you were everywhere.” Her voice wavered slightly as she continued. “You are everywhere. In my conscious thoughts, my unconscious; I dream about you at least once a week. You’re imprinted on my mind… on my heart.”
Something passed over his face at hearing those words but Liz didn’t pause to ask what had prompted that look. She already knew what that particular mixture of disbelief and hope looked like on him.
“When I try and think about it logically it seems a little ridiculous. We didn’t even date for two months—at least not officially. When my college friends ask me why I’m not good at keeping guys around, when they want to know who the man I must be pining over is, I feel a little silly telling them what happened, the non-alien version of course.”
“You don’t keep them around?” he asked softly, that discernable look no longer just passing by. It was firmly fixed on his face.
“It’s kind of hard for another guy to hold your interest when you’ve already dated a life-saving, soul-seeing, dream-causing, serious, dark-haired mystery man from an exotic place.
Max didn’t smile at the reference. Instead he added, “Who broke your heart and treated you like dirt.”
“We’ve both done our fair share of heart-breaking.”
“Liz, I definitely believe you haven’t met someone worthy of you. I don’t even know if that person exists. But I’m not one to hold up for comparison. I’m not worth it.”
“You aren’t a monster, you aren’t worthless.” She heard herself getting louder, as though the more firmly she said these words, the more likely he would be to believe them. “You aren’t unwanted or unneeded. You… you’re my Max. You always will be.”
“Liz,” his voice cracked.
She refused to get lost in the emotion she felt flowing from him. Being this open with him, Liz couldn’t help but sense some of what he was feeling. But she couldn’t allow herself to sit and bask in that overwhelming love. The love she had longed for. She had to get this out now. “What you saw this morning wasn’t evidence of me being over you. It was a misunderstanding. Another misunderstanding. Except this time I hadn’t planned it.”
“What are you talking about?” The confusion in his gaze mixed with the closeness she felt. How was she going to do this? Where did she even start?
She must have looked as pained as she felt because Max leaned slightly closer to her and in a soft voice asked, “Liz, are you all right?”
Liz gave a half-laugh. “No. I’m really, really not.”
The concern and worry she felt washing over her combined with the expression on Max’s face quickly pulled her out of her own turmoil. Placing a hand on his arm in assurance, she said “I’m not hurt or in trouble or anything. I need to tell you something but I don’t know how.”
“Liz,” he said encouragingly.
“I’ve thought about telling you a thousand times.”
Max reached out and took both of her hands in his. “Whatever it is, you can. Just say it. Trust me, it’s easy.”
“I…” A thought came to her. “A few nights ago you gave me a gift. You took something that had been so ugly, so hurtful, and turned it to what it should have always been. A memory of love…”
He squeezed her hands lightly.
“I want to do the same.”
A blend of confusion and hope danced on the edge of Liz’s senses. Though she was not reaching out to Max, his emotions were reaching out to her. Her words must have cut him off guard.
“There’s something that’s been between us for a long time. A lie told out of the best intention.”
Max pulled his hands away from hers. Though his emotions were no longer reaching out to her, his face told her that his confusion was now mixed with apprehension.
“A lie?”
Not ready to address the lie in question quite yet, Liz backtracked.
“Maybe I should start somewhere else.”
“Okay.” The apprehension in his face eased a bit.
“That autumn—no, not just that autumn. Since the moment you saved me, I would have done anything for you.” Both smiled slightly at memories of eager teenage devotion.
“So much that I did in those days came out of love for you. I ran away at the rocks in part because I was overwhelmed—scared even—but also because I thought it was the least I could do for you. In that split second, I thought I could just take myself out of the picture and uncomplicated things. Make it easier to follow the path that had been laid out for you.”
“Nothing could have made me forget you then. Nothing ever has.”
Her heart clinched. “I know. Believe me, I know. I just want you to understand what I was thinking—where my mind was—when it happened.”
“It?”
“The night you sang to me,” she paused, smiling at the memory. “I never did get to tell you how absolutely romantic—and ridiculous—that was. The night you sang to me, someone else was there with me.”
“Kyle?” Max asked, his voice darker.
“No, not Kyle,” she rushed to assure him. “No, the person who was there was someone who knew a lot about me and even more about you. Someone who knew you were going to show up at my balcony, who knew what you’d sing, the flowers you had. Everything.”
“Liz, I didn’t tell anyone, other than Mr. Delgado. Not Isabel and certainly not Michael. Not even Maria.”
“But you knew.”
“Yes.” He answered her slowly, processing her words as he replied. “Okay, now I’m getting lost.”
She grimaced, not at his words but her inability to say what she needed to say. “I’m saying this all wrong. I guess the easiest way is just to say it. You were there that night—not the high school you, but an older you. A future you.”
“A future me?” His tone was—rather expectedly—incredulous.
As though she were explaining a chemistry equation, Liz used her calmest, clearest voice as she continued. “You had come from the future—fourteen years into the future—a future where Kivar had not given up power, a future where Earth was a battleground. A future where you had held Michael as he took his dying breath.”
“H-how?”
“The granolith. Among its many other uses, it can be used to manipulate the time-space continuum. You used it to leave that horrible time behind and come back to me. To try and stop that future from ever happening.”
Max opened his mouth to speak stopped; something had caught his eye. Liz glanced behind her and saw a young family coming out of their brownstone. The man was carrying a little girl down the steps while the woman followed behind with a stroller. As the family reached the bottom, the father placed his daughter in the stroller while the mother reached into her purse and pulled out small fuzzy hat. After securing the hat on her child, the mother reached out and took the father’s arm, walking alongside him as he pushed the stroller. Liz and Max watched the family until the disappeared around a corner bend.
Liz couldn’t help but glance back at Max with a little envy in her heart. Future Max had never mentioned children nor had she seen any evidence of any in her vision of the future. Such things between them might never be possibly – biologically let alone emotionally. Still, a small part of her longed for a moment like they had just witnessed.
“So a future version of me appeared and enlisted you to stop the end of the world?” Max asked, drawing them both back into their conversation.
“Yes.”
“Why didn’t you come to me? Uh, the present version of me, that is.”
She shrugged. “It may sound silly, but it was because you told me not to. You thought your younger self wouldn’t go along with the plan. Wouldn’t like what saving the world had to mean.”
Max’s eyes narrowed. “What did it have to mean?”
“That’s the worst part.”
“What did I tell you, Liz?” His hand reached out and took hold her arm gently.
The roughness in his voice worried her. This was why she had hesitated to ever tell him. He was already blaming himself. How did she tell him the rest of her story without giving him more ammunition for his constant battle against his own self-worth?
“Future Liz and Max didn’t know Tess’ true colors. She had left when they were still in high school, not long after the point in the timeline that he came to visit me. They thought that with her power, they would stand a better chance of beating their enemies.”
He shook his head. “How could they—we—be so naïve? Where did we get that idea?”
Liz quickly debated whether or not to tell Max of Serena and decided not. Her story was complicated enough without including a mysterious and wise little girl and how the future versions misunderstood her message.
“We needed more firepower, I suppose. Something to even the odds.”
“You managed to take out Nicholas just fine here and now. Why would we have needed her?”
Liz smiled slightly at Max’s vote of confidence in her. “I hadn’t developed those particular abilities in that other lifetime. My current snap, crackle, and pop must be one of those side effects from altering the future.”
He squeezed her arm gently. “Then there is one thing to be thankful for.”
“Didn’t also seem that way. You should see how many lamps I’ve gone through over the years.”
He began to smile but cut himself off. “So out desperation we thought we needed her. What did we do to get her? What did it cost us?”
“Everything.” The word slipped out before Liz could censor herself.
Max’s hands moved to grip her by the shoulders. It wasn’t a violent hold, rather excruciatingly tender in its care for her. With a somber voice he asked, “Liz, what happened? What did I make you do?”
“Max, you had just been through hell and back. Not only had you lost Isabel and Michael, but you had almost lost me.”
His hands slightly tightened their grasp on her.
“The future version of me,” she continued softly, “she was captured and tortured by Nicholas.”
“Oh God.” Max pulled his hands away from her, clinching them until his knuckles turned white.
Liz hurried to assure him, “But the other you came and rescued her. And she was okay. She was strong enough to make it through physically and mentally.”
“But she—you—suffered at the hands of my enemy. Because of me.”
Liz grimaced. “That’s what Future Max thought. Even though that other me told him she loved him, even though she assured him everything she went through was worth it to be with him, he didn’t believe it.”
“I have seen what Nicholas could do. Nothing—no one—is worth that.”
Liz sighed. She had seen the future version of herself lose this argument with her Max; she doubted she’d have any better luck.
“Right or wrong, that was what he thought when he came to visit me. That’s why he came up with the plan to keep Tess around that changed the course of our lives forever.”
“And what exactly,” Max asked slowly, “was this plan?”
“To find a way to make you fall out of love with me. Or at least hate me enough that you’d run to her.”
Max blinked. Once. Twice. She could tell pieces were starting to come together for him.
“Nothing could make me do that, Liz,” he spoke, though his words lacked conviction.
Matter-of-factly, Liz replied, “Making you think I had slept with Kyle seemed to do the trick.”
His deep inhale of breath told her he had heard he words. No other response came. His hands remained in his lap, his eyes still held hers, and the air between them didn’t whisper any of his emotions. She forced herself to remain quiet while he processed her words. She would give him all the time he needed; she wouldn’t press for a response.
Her insides froze as the seconds turned into what seemed like minutes.
Finally, something happened. He raised a hand to the back of his neck, a gesture she had seen before, but not usually accompanied by a shaking hand. At least she hadn’t shocked him into paralysis. Another moment passed and he spoke, “You and Kyle never…”
“No, we never. I never…” She gave him a half-smile. “Let’s just say you weren’t wrong in thinking the Liz Parker you knew would only be with someone she loved. And you’re the only man I’ve ever really loved.”
“Oh.”
Liz’s stomach turned. The word did nothing to warm her.
The two sat on that bench, words lost to the ruminations of the heart and mind. Second by second slowly ticked by and he said nothing. Liz tried to swallow the tears she felt rising. She had just bared everything she had been holding on to in silence and sadness for years and all he could manage was “oh?” It was too much, or rather too little. There was no way she could keep all her anxiety from bubbling up and over.
“Do you hate me?” Liz rushed the words out, hoping with speed she could avoid a break in her voice or a few dropped tears. She wasn’t successful.
“Hate you?” Max sounded stunned. He quickly gathered her in his arms, pressing her head against his chest. She continued to let loose tears as he spoke. “Never. I have never hated you and I’m certainly not going to start now. Yes, I’ve got a lot of questions and maybe I’ll wonder at the hows and the whys for awhile, but that doesn’t change how I feel about you. How I have always felt about you.”
“Oh.” Her voice muffled against his chest, she couldn’t lift her head up to say anything more. She just wanted to rest in his arms, listening to his steady heart beat.
“I do have one question now, though.”
“Hmm?”
“What does this mean?”
“Mean?” she echoed as she lifted her head up.
“For us.”
The essential question.
Liz pulled back slightly, still within the security of his arms. “I don’t know what it means exactly. I don’t know a lot of things.”
“Do you think… you would think about...”
“What?” Liz pressed as she lifted her hand to his cheek.
“I always thought you didn’t love me as much as I loved you.” He took the hand on his cheek in his own hand as she started to protest.
“And who could blame you if that was true? I may not have done it well, but loving you is the easiest and most profound thing I’ve ever done. But what you did, years ago and in the last few weeks...” His mouth turned up slightly at the corners. “Maybe I was wrong.”
So wrong, she agreed silently.
He took a deep, shuddering breath. She could tell he was either incredibly excited or nervous. Or both.
“I know I have no right, but I have to ask. Do you see a path for us? Would you consider being with me?”
Liz’s heart stopped mid-beat. The look on his face, that hope, that love. The feel of his arms around her, so strong, so secure. How could she say no?
“Max, I can’t.”