Roswell Fanatics

ooc: This probably sucks…

~Isabel~

"We didn't. At least, not that much," Max admitted and I watched him carefully, a bit confused and yet I know I probably seemed to have a massive question in my expression as he began explaining. "I'd been working with her since September, to try and recover my memories of Antar, but I didn't want to be with her. I love Liz. but things were so ... crazy since Alex died. Maria, Kyle and Liz turned away from us. Michael seemed to have disappeared. And you ... you were going to leave us, too."

I watched my brother shake his head and felt guilt spear through me. In my grief, I hadn’t thought of anyone other then myself and hearing this, I realized just how in the wrong I was. "Liz was so obsessed. She didn't even want to talk to me. I begged her to stop, for the sake of our friendship, and she ... she threw it away."

"Tess found me then. She'd been there for me when ... when Liz broke my heart and I'd finally given up on her. She was there that night, too. She ... she kissed me and I ... I kissed her back. I shouldn't have, I know; it was a mistake. But I just needed --- I needed to feel like I wasn't alone..." I didn’t have anything I could say, didn’t know what there was to say. All I knew, was that I couldn’t just sit there and not do something.

Leaning over, I wrapped my arms around my brother and held onto him as I spoke, “I’m sorry, Max. I should have been here. I should have never let you feel that way. I’m so sorry.” Had my pushing everyone away and withdrawing caused Max to be pushed into Tess’ arms? It sure seemed like it. “I’m not going to be like that anymore. I’m here and I’m not going anywhere.” I swore softly.

I’d been selfish for too long and now I have to find some way to make up for it. I can’t let Max ever feel like he hasn’t got me to talk to or just to be there when he needs me. He’s my brother and he was always there when I needed him… well almost. Even he had his reasons when I was lost in my grief not to be there when I needed him. “You won’t have to go through anything without me, Max. I wish I could take back all that happened and that I’d been there when you needed me.”

*Max*

Isabel's arms around me felt so warm, so much like home. I closed my eyes for a moment, savoring the feeling, although I felt a little guilty doing it. I wasn't trying to make her feel obligated. I was only trying to be honest.

“I’m sorry, Max. I should have been here. I should have never let you feel that way. I’m so sorry. I’m not going to be like that anymore. I’m here and I’m not going anywhere," she promised. “You won’t have to go through anything without me, Max. I wish I could take back all that happened and that I’d been there when you needed me.”

"No, it's not your fault," I told her as my arms found their way around her waist, as well. "You're allowed to have your own life. You are. If you don't want to go to the local colleges I found, if you really need to get away from us all, then you should be able to." Isabel is my sister and her happiness is one of the most important things in the world to me. I wanted to keep her near, to keep her safe, and for her to help keep us safe. It seemed like studying locally was a logical thing to do. It still does, but maybe I'm too wrapped up in my needs to see it clearly. She doesn't need to be tied down just because I made a mistake.

"What happened, this baby, it's nobody's fault but my own," I tell her.

"And Tess," Isabel points out.

"Well, yeah," I say. She was part of it, to be sure. "But I should have been stronger. I shouldn't have given in to those feelings. I should have stopped myself." Tess could have stopped it, too, but I know she wouldn't have. It was what she's been telling me she's wanted since before I even knew she who she was.

I feel the corners of my lips turn up in a wry smile. "At the time, it didn't even feel wrong. She was my wife, and I did love her once. It felt ... wonderful." My expression grows more somber as I meet Isabel's eyes. "She might never be the love of my life, but I do care about her, Isabel. I don't want to hurt her."

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thanks
Jen

*bump* Waiting for Isabel.

~Isabel~

"No, it's not your fault," Max tells me, his arms wrapping around my waist. "You're allowed to have your own life. You are. If you don't want to go to the local colleges I found, if you really need to get away from us all, then you should be able to."

"No, Max... I was trying to run away, I realize now that I was taking the wrong path. I'm staying here. With my family." I tell him, interrupting a bit before he can continue. I can't leave, not now. Not without my family. And when I think family, it includes, Michael, Maria and the others that are part of our secret... even Tess.

"What happened, this baby, it's nobody's fault but my own," Max says and I can't help but point something out.

"And Tess'."

"Well, yeah," Max responds, "But I should have been stronger. I shouldn't have given in to those feelings. I should have stopped myself."

I see him smile wryly, "At the time, it didn't even feel wrong. She was my wife, and I did love her once. It felt ... wonderful." He meets my eyes somberly, "She might never be the love of my life, but I do care about her, Isabel. I don't want to hurt her."

"You'll hurt her more if you try and be with her when you don't love her. Not like you love Liz. Don't hurt yourself and Liz, Max... there's been too much pain in our group. Too much unhappiness. Besides... letting yourself hold onto Tess for the baby's sake would do more harm for more then just you and Tess. There are others..." I pause as I shake my head. "I want you to be happy, Max."

I give him a light squeeze as I place my head on his shoulder. My brother has always been there for me when I needed him until recently, and maybe if I'd let myself be open he still would have been there.

*Max*

"You'll hurt her more if you try and be with her when you don't love her. Not like you love Liz. Don't hurt yourself and Liz, Max... there's been too much pain in our group. Too much unhappiness. Besides... letting yourself hold onto Tess for the baby's sake would do more harm for more then just you and Tess. There are others..." she says. I bite my lip, not knowing what to say. I want to do what she says. To be with Liz. But I can't do it just because it's what I want. I have to do what's right for everyone. I can't just convince myself to do what I want, pretending that it's right. There's Tess to think of. And the baby. I need to figure out what's real. Not what I want...

"I want you to be happy, Max." Isabel says. 'Happy' isn't even something I'm hoping for anymore. I just need to stop hurting. And to stop hurting other people.

I can hear the pain in Isabel's voice and I know it's not for me. It's for Alex. For what we all lost. She gives me a light squeeze and lays her head on my shoulder, but it does little to ease my guilt.

"I'm sorry, Isabel. I tried. I really did. I --" I break off there, feeling the pressure behind my eyes. I wanted to save him. It was so hard to go in there and even harder to touch him. But the worst part was trying to make a healing connection with that empty void.

It was so hard to even look at Isabel after that. Or Liz. I'd failed them. I couldn't help from thinking of it every time I saw her. How much I'd disappointed them all. I might have even been pushing Isabel away, just to keep from feeling that way. She needed me and I couldn't bear to face that failure. I know it was a big part of why I argued with Liz. It didn't matter if Alex's death was alien-related or not. I couldn't fix it. It was my fault... I was responsible...

"I don't want to fail Tess, too. I can't do that again," I manage to say. I bend my head, looking at my hands, but my eyes are tightly closed. I just want to know how to make it right.

so I know I suck, but i'd like to start playing again if thats ok with people?

This is a repost but it matches where Kyle is...

~*TESS*~

After I feel the baby's energy I’m even more agitated then I was before. I feel like I’m going to pass out from the lack of oxygen so I focus on breathing slow and steadily. Eventually I feel like my lungs are no longer on the verge of collapse and I can think about other things; like the mess I’m currently in. I don’t know what to do about Kyle. I don’t know how I feel about Max. I’m worried about the baby.

Could life get any more complicated? At this moment I just want a hole in the floor to swallow me up and take me away to where I wouldn’t have to deal with any of this, to where life was simple and everyone was happy.

Could it really work out with Kyle? What about Max? Does he feel like we need to be together? What about the baby?

I feel like it’s important for him that we are together, but if we both want someone else?

I don’t have any of these answers and I don’t think I’m going to get them sitting here on the floor of the girls bathroom.
I realise I’m going to have to face the outside world at some point and it might as well be sooner rather then later. I push myself up, thinking swiftly that soon it won’t be quite so easy.

I run my hand over my face and hair, fixing anything that got messed up, and tug my clothes a little straighter. After taking a deep breath I exit the stall. there, that wasn’t so hard was it?

I check my reflection in the mirror, marvelling that I can look so normal, like I'm any other teenage girl, not a half alien carrying the heir to a planet far away. Taking one last deep breath I turn away from the mirror, realising that whatever I'm looking for will most definitely not be found there.

I push open the door to the hall and think that maybe it will be found in whats out here. Kyle is standing uncertainly in the hall, apparently waiting for me. His gaze is clear but I can see the hurt in his eyes. Pain that I put there.

I walk up to where he is and unsure what to do or say I look at the floor and whisper "Hi".

I'll be working on another Isabel soon and trying to get out a Michael... sorry about the delay... my muse has been angry in a bunch of areas lately....

*bump*

*bump* again.

Are you guys still here?