Roswell Fanatics

~Liz~

I see Max bury his face in his hands and once more I wonder what I have done. What if it’s just too late, what if it’s over…?

I close my own eyes, running my hands through my hair and just trying not to break down into tears myself. I don’t know how much longer I can manage to do this, but I can’t let Max see me crying again…

I don’t want anyone to be able to say that I used emotional tactics or anything like that…this is his decision, I’ve not tried to make it anything else, I’ve just let him know how I feel – something I should have done a long time ago.

“When we were together, in that other world, we got married in Vegas, Tess left, and we lost everything…”

Max isn’t even looking at me as he says this and I feel like my heart is being torn out as I hear him talking. I feel my chest tightening as I remember the things FutureMax said… I remember the things that I did and said…I remember why I made the decision…

“Why then, do you want to be with you now? Aren’t you afraid it’ll happen again? That it’ll be the end of everything…?”

Max is asking the things I’ve been asking myself all day… How do I know this is going to be any different…how do I know us being together isn’t going to do the same… I shake my head mentally. If I’m honest, I don’t… But I believe we have a chance… Things have changed so much…I guess I’m just hoping it’s enough…

I shake my head slowly. “Honestly Max…I don’t know what will happen, but I do know that things have been changed by an incredible amount… Whether we’re together or not, Tess is going to be a major part of the group and that’s not going to change…” I take a breath, trying to explain. “FutureMax said that she left because she was an outsider…well I don’t think that’s true anymore… She’s not an outsider, not to any of us… Maria and I have the worst relationship with her I know, but if she’s willing to try again, then I am too…” I close my eyes, trying to think through what I need to say. “I-I think Kyle likes her, and I think she likes him too…” I know that I probably sound like I’m trying to make excuses, but honestly I’m not… Max asks me how I think we can risk it, and I’m just trying to explain my thinking…

I bite my lip and look up at him. What I say next could lose him forever…could leave me alone… It could give me that future I used to dream of, but not the future I want…not a future with him… “I-I can’t promise things won’t happen like that before Max, because I can’t fortell the future…” I shake my head. “I just think maybe…and I’m hoping and praying that I’m right, that there’s a chance this could work though… It’s not going to be easy, because nothing about this situation is, but I think that we, not just you and me, the whole group, can get through this…"

I draw in a ragged breath and push my hair back, looking at him through the tears which hang in the corner of my eyes. “Do you love her Max…do you really love her like she deserves to be loved…?”

*Max*

I have to shake my head in denial as Liz insists that Tess is going to be a major part of the group regardless of whether I’m with Liz or not. I know she never gave up on me, never left, in over a year since she met me, even ‘though I’ve been hopelessly in love with Liz. She was hoping to get me to change my mind, to get me to be with her. I don’t know if having my baby is going to be enough. Not even if Liz and Maria somehow learn to be friends with her. I feel like Tess could still leave and would still leave and I don’t know what to do about that…

My head shoots up when Liz starts talking about Tess and Kyle, as if they could be a couple, and I stare at Liz. Yeah, the two of them went to the prom together but I’ve never really understood what it was between them. I remember how she turned to him when we were talking to Sheriff Valenti. I remember how she wanted to be with him today, after she was ill before school. Could it be more than a pseudo-sibling thing? Frankly, I haven’t any idea. I’ve never understood either one of those two well…

But if she was together with him, Tess wouldn’t leave… assuming Kyle was also with the rest of us…

Biting my lip, I shove that thought aside as wishful thinking. It’s not real. I can’t be jumping to conclusions until I know what’s going on for sure…

Looking up, I meet Liz’s eyes again, trying to think, trying to gauge what’s going on here. I can see that Liz is terribly upset. This is a near impossible conversation and I understand why she’s having trouble getting her words out. There’s so much emotion in this room and no easy solutions... Well, Liz’s solution would be easy, if it worked, but I don’t know yet if the things she’s supposing are true, if it’s truly something I can risk…

Liz tucks her hair behind her ear nervously, meeting my gaze evenly although I can see the tears in her eyes. “Do you love her Max…do you really love her like she deserves to be loved…?”

Liz’s words hit me with all the force of one of Michael’s blasts. I can feel them shake my bones and I have to look away. Like she deserves to be loved… like she deserves…

I don’t believe that Tess is a bad person. Like anyone, she deserves to find happiness. Earlier, Liz had asked if being with me would prevent Tess from finding someone who would make her truly happy, but this time, I’m hearing the question a different way. She does deserve better. I know that. I love her as a friend and as the mother of my baby. I’m awed by the support and faith she’s had in me from the beginning. But I don’t love her like that… The kind of love she’s been expecting from me. It’s not there. I’m willing to sacrifice my happiness, to surrender to the ‘destiny’ she’s told me she wants. To give up my choices. But I’ll be giving her a paper rose, not the real thing. I’ll follow the path laid for me, but inside, I’ll be hollow, filling my role with only half a heart. I’ll never be there the way she wants. I’ll be everything she needs, but no, I don’t think I could ever be everything she deserves…

“No,” I manage to say, although the word comes out as a gasp. I close my eyes tightly, preventing my emotions from showing themselves in tears. “I don’t. I can’t. I love you…”

~LIz~

Does he love her…? I asked the question, and now I’m waiting for an answer… This must be the longest five minutes of my life…

I don’t want someone to think that I’m trying to break up a family – because I guess that’s what he and Tess are going to be - though… I don’t want to make it sound as though I’m belittling what he and Tess will have… She’s having his child…maybe I can’t compete with that…

I’m not saying that I want her to be left to cope alone…far from that… I know it’s not going to be easy for Tess, but much as everyone else might think I’m just saying this, I truly mean what I’m saying…she deserves to be happy as much as anyone else… I’m saying that I’ll help as much or as little as they want, but I just want Max to know I’m there…

I love him…more than anything in the world… If someone had told me when I was younger, I’d be saying this, after everything that’s happened, I would have told you they were crazy… Things have changed though…I’ve changed… I’ve grown up a lot over the last few years…more than I should perhaps… But there’s one thing that hasn’t changed since that day in the Crashdown, and that’s the way I love Max…

We’ve had problems, we’ve both made mistakes…but that’s not what is important at the moment…what is, is how we move on…

Max is going to have a huge responsibility…he’s going to be a father… There’s going to be a baby that’s part of him and Tess… He has to deal with that, and I have to let him… I have to wait until he decides whether ‘we’ can be…

“I don’t…I can’t…I love you…”

The words I want to hear so much… Yet it doesn’t give the answer yet does it…? I swallow and look at him, sure that I know what’s going next. “…but you can’t decide anything without talking to Tess first…?” I reach out and touch his arm, causing him to open his eyes and look at me once more. “…Just know that when you decide, I’ll be waiting…”

*Max*


My eyes are still squeezed tightly shut when I feel Liz's hand on my arm.
“…but you can’t decide anything without talking to Tess first…?” Liz says, making it a question. I open my eyes to look at her, but I can't even nod. “…Just know that when you decide, I’ll be waiting…”

"Thank you, Liz," I tell her. "For everything, for ..." for still loving me, for being willing to give me a chance, for telling me the truth about Kyle, for understanding, for "... for everything," I repeat, uselessly. I don't know how else to say it, simply.

I get to my feet, taking her hand so she stands up, too. We're so close; barely an inch separates our bodies as we face each other. I take one of her hands in each of mine, letting them hang by our sides, linked and swinging very slightly, like pendulums. I look into her up slightly upturned face. She's so amazingly beautiful. Her skin, her hair, but mostly, the look in her eyes. She does love me. She believes in me. I want this so much...

Releasing one hand, I move mine up to touch her forehead, gently running it along the edge of her temple, easing her hair out of place slightly before gravity moves it back.

"I love you so much," I tell her. I want to kiss her. I want so many things, but I have a child now. Things aren't like they were before, and that's my fault. "I just wish there was a way to do this without hurting either one of you, or the baby," I admit. I know it's my responsibility. I should be the one who pays the price, if there is one. Not Liz, not Tess, not the baby...

~Liz~

“Thank you Liz…”

He’s thanking me…? Part of me wonders if I really deserve that thanks… Even though I keep telling myself I won’t do this, I keep coming back to the question of what would have happened had Max not believed that I slept with Kyle…?

I swallow and look up at him as he continues. “For everything…for everything…”

He sounds exhausted…worn out… I know none of this has been easy on him… I’m guessing he hasn’t had much sleep the last few nights – a bit like me the last few months…I can’t remember the last time I really slept through… I shake my head, wanting to tell him that there’s nothing to be thankful for…

The things I’ve said today will see, completely crazy to a lot of girls, but the fact is that I’ve said what I need to say… When it comes down to it, if Max decides there is no way…that we can’t be together…I will do my best to move on, but I know deep down I’ll be doing that alone…

If Max and I can’t be…I’m not going to find someone else…because whoever it was, it wouldn’t be him…it wouldn’t be Max, and it would always be second best…a poor substitute… It’s Max or no one, I know that… I’m not going to tell him that, because I don’t want to force his decision…but I know the truth…

Max stands, taking my hand and pulling me up after him. I look up, finding myself looking into his eyes once more. Those dark brown eyes which suck me in and make me feel as though I’m floating… I love him…

“I love you so much…” His fingers run along the edge of my temple and I feel as though the skin beneath is burning…

I swallow and look up at him. “I love you too…” I respond softly.

If only it were that simple though…I know it isn’t… There isn’t just him and me to consider…I just hope we can work out a way…

“I just wish there was a way to do this without hurting either one of you, or the baby…”

I can hear the desperation, the despair in his voice. “I know…”

I know that I should leave him now…leave him to make his decision, but somehow I can’t…not yet… Without allowing myself to think too much about what I’m doing, or what it means, I reach up, brushing my lips briefly against his.

As soon as I have done it though, I know I shouldn’t… I pull back and look down awkwardly. “I-I’m sorry Max…I shouldn’t have done that…”

*Max*

I can see the sympathy in her eyes, and the love. “I know…” she says. It helps to know we're understanding each other. To know that she knows how much I want this, knowing she'll understand if I have to hurt her. I will be like hurting myself -- it will hurt me directly, too, to not have her in my life. But I don't yet know if I have a choice. The baby is my first responsibility. I have to do right by the child.

I want to lower my eyes, to look away from her loving face, but I don't want to end this moment, as bittersweet as it is. It's hard and uncertain, but we're together. I can endure so much more if she's there, I know it. She brought me through the White Room at Eagle Rock, and so much more that she'll probably never know. She will always be the love of my life, no matter where that life might be, or who I might be with.

I should pull away, but I don't want to face the uncertainty out there -- the pain and confusion in Tess's eyes -- the accusations and anger from strangers -- and I'm not sure what from Michael and Isabel. They were angry and closed-off last night, but I did get some hope from Isabel, then and this morning, but I don't want to hope for too much, no matter how much I need it. Michael has been tight-lipped this morning and I don't know what to expect from him anymore.

Suddenly, Liz reaches up, kisses me. Her kiss is as gentle and sweet as it is brief and she pulls back suddenly, looking away. “I-I’m sorry Max…I shouldn’t have done that…” she says. And yet, I can't think that she regrets it.

I shake my head and cup a bent finger under her chin, drawing it up again so I'm looking directly into her face. Then, without a word, I bend down and kiss her back, gently, yet firmly, leaving no room for question. I love her and I want her to know that it's more than just words. She will always hold my heart.

This time, the flashes come again. I can see the familiar glimpses of her memories and feel what she was feeling, and I understand more than before. Her and Kyle, FutureMax, so many things. This is what I want. I want to share this with her forever but I don't know if that's something that I can choose.

Reluctantly pulling away, I look into her eyes again. What I see there makes my heart melt and my knees weak. I would kiss her again but I know that I can't. I smile at her sadly as I run my hand lightly over her shoulder and down her arm. She reaches up; her fingertips brush along my cheek before her hand falls back to her side. I don't say anything to her then. There are no words. I only hope she can hear my silent love.

We stand that way for a long moment that seems to be completely timeless. Then, by some silent accord, we both take a half step back at the same time.

"Let's go, then," I say. My voice is barely more than a whisper and yet, it seems as loud as a bass drum in a quiet church. "Michael and Isabel..." I add, but I don't finish it. She knows they're waiting just outside the door and I need to face them, too....

.

~Liz~

It’s not that I don’t want to kiss him, but I know that I shouldn’t… I’m supposed
to be giving him the time he needs…holding back from trying to convince him one way or the other… This isn’t my decision to make, its his…

As I pull back though, Max reaches out and stops me. He shakes his head and hooks a finger under my chin, causing me to look back up at him again… Even before his lips press back against mine gently, what I see in his eyes leaves no room for misunderstandings… He knows what he wants…it’s just whether it’s possible anymore…

Once more I find the flashes running through my head and for a moment, it’s just him and me… For a moment, I allow myself to forget all about the fact that depending on what Max and Tess decide, this could be the last time I feel like this… For a moment, all that matters is that I’m here with Max, and I know that he loves me just as I love him…

Things have been complicated I know…so complicated…but the fact remains that no matter what happens, some things just don’t change… Despite the fact that everyone will probably struggle to understand how I can say this, my feelings for Max are one of those…

I love him… I loved him before Tess, and Destiny, I loved him when FutureMax came, and I loved him after… What I did that day, I did because I couldn’t put my happiness in front of the safety of my friends, but I never stopped loving him… Even after Alex, I know that I completely went screwy, but deep down, my feelings never changed… I held back because I had to – with dire concequences it seems – but more than anything, all I wanted to do was just throw myself into his arms. I love Max Evans…he makes me whole, he makes me complete…

I see images of Max after he saw Kyle and I ‘together’ that night…I can feel the hurt and despair, the disbelief and his heartbreak… He didn’t want to believe what he had seen, but I told him it was true…I destroyed him that night… I see Vegas, and the flash he had while we were there… I see him watching me from afar again, much as he used to, and I feel his anguish as I see him pleading with me only yesterday.

I kiss him back for a moment, pouring every ounce of love I have into trying to show him how I feel, and suddenly the images change, harping back to a far happier time before Tess was even on the scene… I see us the night we found the orb – I feel his want again, and for the first time, I think I know for certain that it wasn’t all the orb… Deep down, those feelings we had were real…just they were buried…I guess the orbs helped uncover them… I wonder again briefly what could have happened had we not been interrupted by Maria earlier, or the actual orb later that night…what would have happened had we not stopped…? I know one thing, whatever happened, I don’t think I could ever have regretted it…

When it comes down to it though, it’s only a moment, and there’s little point dwelling on the past… What’s done is done, or in that case not done, and nothing is going to change that… There are more important things than to focus on what might have been… I have to focus on the future…the future I can only hope will somehow include Max and I being together…

As Max pulls back, his hand runs over my shoulder and down my arm. His sad smile speaks tones, and I know we have to go… I reach up, my fingers trailing along his cheek, commiting every feature and detail to memory. I need a picture of him in my mind…one so real I can almost reach out and touch it… I need to remember this day, the things that have been said, the emotions I have felt… I drop my hand to my side after a moment, just standing, close and yet separated, for what seems like an age. The air between us seems so thick I could cut it with a knife, and neither of us says anything… Silent emotions hang in the air, love and worry, hope and fear…

And then we both step back at the same time, as though silently agreeing and acknowledging that the moment is over…

“Let’s go then…” Max finally breaks the silence, his voice still little more than a whisper, and I nod, swallowing. He mentions Michael and Isabel, and I nod again, reaching once more for his hand to squeeze a moment in silent reassurance before releasing it and dropping my own hand down to my side once more. Whatever happens, whatever he decides, I’m here for him…I always will be…

*Max*

Liz nods, silently. I yearn to move my finger tips towards her, to touch her skin one more time... but it's best to move on. It's good to know that she still loves me. Even if I can't be with her like I want to, know that is enough to make me feel alive again.

I don't know what's going to happen or how this is going to work out, but I know I will always love Liz Parker. I care for Tess and I always will. I may learn to love her, even. But there will never be another like Liz. I keep a few inches away from her as I lead the way to the door.

I step forward and reach for the doorknob on Michael's bedroom door. I hate to hesitate once I have a plan of action. As much as I don't want this moment to end, I am interested in finding out if any of what Liz suggested about Tess is true. It will be tricky to ask without giving myself away, but I'll work on it. I have a little time, I know, but not now. Michael and Isabel are waiting. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if they start knocking the door any minute now.

With a burst of resolution, I grasp the knob and pull the door open. Isabel and Michael both look up as I step out with Liz. I'm surprised to see that Isabel is crying.

My heart falls through my stomach as I hurry forward, feeling guilty now for spending so much time with Liz when Isabel needed me. Of course, Liz needed me, too. And Tess needs me. And the baby. I only hope I can give them all enough.

Dropping to the couch beside Isabel, I put a hand on her knee, trying to look into her eyes. "Isabel? What's the matter?"

I know we all have a dozen good reasons to cry these days, but I'd like to know which of them is upsetting her now. Is it something I caused? Is it something I can fix? Maybe all I can do is share her pain but I don't want her to have to go through it without me.

OOC: hope this works

~Isabel~

I can't seem to stop the tears from falling, my shoulders from shaking or the soft sounds of sobbing. It's as though a damn had burst inside me when I'd said aloud the things I'd been thinking since Alex died. I knew that a huge part of it was guilt. If I'd paid more attention to how Alex really felt, given him more time, let him know how much he meant to me more often..

Did he even know how I felt about him when he died? Did he regret having loved me? I knew I would never find out anything about what he'd been thinking when he died. I remember mom telling me that in time I would find someone else, but I didn't want anyone else. I wanted to wake up and find that this had been some bad dream and that Alex was alive and well.

I vaguely felt Michael's hand on my shoulder and despite the fact that I knew he was uncertain when it came to comforting people, I couldn't bring myself to look up at him, hell I couldn't even see through the teary haze.

I don't know how long my cries continued before I was aware of hearing the bedroom door open and tried to make myself stop immediately, not wanting Max to see me like this. He had enough on his plate, he didn't need my problems added to his. Yet, as much as I tried, I couldn't stop crying and I felt his hand on my knee hearing him ask me, "Isabel? What's the matter?"

I try to look up at him, knowing that if I don't his concern will deepen and he'll think it's his fault, but even doing so, my eyes can't focus on him through the veil of tears that still flow. I can't even speak around the lump in my throat.

Instead, I'm grateful as I hear Michael explain. "She's missing Alex, Maxwell. And hoping that the rest of us can find happiness and not waste precious time."

I nodded, that movement the most I could do and slowly it seemed that the lump in my throat began to subside. When I was finally able to speak, my words were broken whispers in a hoarse voice, "I'm... sorry.... for... losing... it.."

*Max*

"She's missing Alex, Maxwell. And hoping that the rest of us can find happiness and not waste precious time," Michael explains. I put my arm around Isabel, sitting close next to her on the couch and holding her as best as I can. It's not much, it's all I can do at the moment.

Missing Alex, I understand. He meant far more to Isabel than she ever allowed herself to admit. I know it meant a lot to her that he accepted her, not caring that she wasn't fully human. I'm not going to tell her to cheer up. We're all hurting and there's nothing wrong with crying about it.

Finding happiness? I know it must feel like she'll never be happy again, but I'm sure she will be. She'll remember how to smile for real and how to feel glad again, although I know it will never be the same.

I glance at Liz, knowing that she's my truest happiness and always will be. But even if I can't have that, I'll find some other smaller happiness with Tess. I can be a dad and have that life. I'm sure I can find some happiness there, even if it isn't Liz.

Isabel's sobbing starts to subside. "I'm... sorry.... for... losing... it.."

"Don't be," I tell her, lifting her chin and wiping the tears from her cheeks. "You have a right to cry. I'm just so sorry..."

I feel like this is my fault, too. I should have seen it. I should have protected him, somehow. I saved Liz but I wasn't there for Alex. He was our friend...