Part 10
Tried to Be True
From baby to best with no second test,
Little storms destroy you.
Here is the fame they promised to give you,
Taking the place of my hand now.
Did you try to be true?
What separates me from you?
What separates me from you now?
Did you borrow the soul,
The soul that you sell now?
What does your conscience tell you?
Where are the demons
Of your desire?
Why does my love destroy you?
Did you try to be true?
What separates me from you?
What separates me from you now?
I said I tried to be true.
What separates me from you.
I said I tried, tried to be true.
What separates me from you.
What separates me from you now?
Did you try to be true?
What separates me from you?
What separates me from you now?
So where is the fame,
Where is the fortune?
Where is the world that denies you?
Who is to blame,
When my heart finally forfeits
To a road that will only misguide you?
Did you try to be true?
What separates me from you?
What separates me from you now?
Did we try to be true?
What separates me from you?
Did we try, try to be true?
What separates me from you…
Did you try to be true?
What separates me from you?
What separates me from you now?
I bought my love a hunger
More precious than a stone.
All these fatal flowers,
Did I misguide you?
(Where is the world that denies you)
(Try to be true)
Did you try to be true?
What separates me from you?
What separates me from you now?
- Indigo Girls
Watching Larek speak passionately about the condition of the poorest of Antar’s people, Liz couldn’t help but compare this strong statesman to the excited tourist she had shown around the city yesterday. While he had been here before, he said he never found the time to just enjoy what earth’s Big Apple had to offer. He had been eager and almost wonder-filled as they had made their way through some of the city’s more famous attractions. Liz had decided that if the biochem thing didn’t work out she’d consider writing a guide on how to entertain alien dignitaries.
Do not, for example, take your dignitary to a museum known for its more unique pieces. You might think aliens would get a kick out of modern art, being themselves a little different than normal earth fare, but no. She and Whitmore had spent almost fifteen minutes listening to Larek complain that a metal pipe piercing a straw basket, one of the newly acquired pieces at the Guggenheim, did not qualify as art on any planet. Consider taking your dignitary to a green area instead. Though it was winter and not much was growing, Larek enjoyed Central Park much more than the Guggenheim and even what little of the MET they had seen. Apparently his planet had gotten so industrialized that natural parks were hard to come by.
After a full afternoon of touristy fun, they had made plans for dinner at a nice Indian place in the Village that Justin had introduced to her and Maria on their last visit. Larek sent Whitmore and her ahead while he made a small detour to visit Max. When he arrived at the restaurant, she and Whitmore had already ordered and started on a bottle of wine.
Over chicken tikka masala and a good Sauvignon Blanc, Liz had learned that Max had indeed not needed much convincing. Larek suspected that by the time he had paid a visit, Max had already gotten an ear-full from his sister and his second. He also suspected that Max had anticipated a different message from Larek than the one he got. That was when, Larek confessed, he mentioned that the situation might have been handled differently if not for Liz. Larek reassured her that Max did not, contrary to her fears, react violently to hearing of her defense.
Exactly how he did react, however, Liz still wasn’t sure. After telling her the basics, Larek had looked expectantly at Liz, waiting for her to prompt him for more details. Liz had looked intently at her glass of wine, deciding it needed to be refilled.
“Is there anything else you want to know Liz?” Larek had broken down and asked.
“Yes. Why is it that an evolved human like me can drink alcohol without any unusual side-effects but a hybrid can’t?” she had inquired, trying to move Larek quickly away from his meeting with Max. She wouldn’t have been able to handle any more confusing things about her ex-boyfriend. The day had been plenty full of those already.
After a brief explanation of hybrid versus evolved human physiology, the conversation between the three had drifted to themselves. Liz had learned that Whitmore was the fourth generation in his family to serve the needs of alien kings. He was married and had two kids, whose pictures filled his wallet, and when he wasn’t working with Larek spent his time at home with his family.
Larek, she had discovered, did not have children waiting for him back home. He had nieces and nephews to dote on, but apparently never found the time to start a family himself. Seeking peace for his own world, not to mention the other planets in his system, was his passion. He spoke about peace both with vision and with a practicality that most dreamers she knew seemed to lack. She had faith in him and through him she felt better about the council. Something about them taking over Antar felt wrong to her, but if that did end up happening she didn’t think it would be completely dire.
They stayed at the restaurant for hours, talking, laughing, getting to know one another. They might have stayed there until the staff had to kick them out if Larek hadn’t sensed that his body was trying to break free. Whitmore had drugged Larek and dropped her off before he went to drop off the host. Even for the city that never sleeps, it was a strange way to end an evening.
Even though by the time she got to her hotel room it was fairly late, Alex had still been there, sitting on the couch and watching some music channel.
“Long day?” he had asked, turning off the tv.
“Very.”
“Want to talk about it?”
“No. Yes. I don’t know,” she had mumbled as she sat down next to Alex on the couch.
“Okay.”
“Can, can I just tell you what happened? Can we save the analyzation for later?”
“Of course,” he had smiled kindly. “I’ve got my listening ears on and my pushy mouth is shut.”
“Thanks.”
She told him what happened with Max and he had listened without asking her questions she didn’t want to deal with. She had been able to tell, though, that it was hard for him. Especially when she mentioned Max’s 'monster' comment. Still, he had kept his comments and questions to himself, didn’t make her think about what any of it meant. After she had told him everything, Alex left and she had crashed, luckily with no unfortunate dreams to mar her sleep.
Well-rested, she now found herself sitting at the conference table with Max, Max who hadn’t looked at her or said anything to her all day. At least, she thought, he was more participatory than yesterday. The other aliens, with the obvious exception of Kivar, were appearing to make an attempt and so was he. He actually answered questions asked and even ventured forth his own unsolicited opinion a few times. But he still wasn’t fully there. His eyes seemed to find the table in front of him most interesting. He wasn’t showing vulnerability, exactly, but he was nowhere near as sure of himself as he had been before. It was like something within him had shifted. The other members of the council may interpret his softer responses, his hesitant eye contact, as some form of snobbery, but she knew that wasn’t it. Max had been rattled and he was still readjusting.
Max wasn’t the only one who came to the theater this morning with a change in attitude. Kivar’s false charm was no were to be seen. Instead of trying to beguile her, he spent his time trying to bait her. Apparently he was only interested in making friends if he thought she would go along with his plans. Since Liz had stood up to him yesterday so firmly, she appeared to have lost his favor. She no longer sensed fascination, instead there were traces of contained anger. Liz could have cared less about whether or not Kivar was playing nice - he was annoying either way - but he managed to find one of her weak spots and was exploiting it to the fullest potential. Yesterday he must have picked up on her problem with Tess because today he kept trying to bring her into conversation.
“I think we first have to find a way to trust one another before we can move to a detailed plan,” Liz had said in response to Kathana’s request that the council start working on the details of Max’s turning over of power first thing that morning.
While Kathana had nodded in reluctant agreement, Kivar had taking the opportunity to insert his own little comment.
“You know who always seemed to me to be the epitome of trust? Little Ava,” he had sighed wistfully. “Such a sweet, trusting soul. It’s a shame she couldn’t be here today. I’m sure she could help us all learn a little something about trust.”
While resisting the urge to lean over and smack the alien, Liz had noticed Max’s jaw was clenched tightly. It seemed she wasn’t the only one who didn’t like Kivar’s new favorite topic.
All day Kivar managed to slide Tess into conversation. Liz took some comfort in seeing some of the other aliens grow annoyed with him as the day went on. The only relief she had had was during the lunch break when she and Whitmore ran to a hot dog stand on a nearby corner, just to get away from the alien and his comments. The offerings in the green room may have been a little more exciting, but her sanity was worth it.
The day was drawing to a close now and she was so close to making it through without causing some sort of scene. Given the last two days, she was pretty excited about that fact. Of course, if Kivar kept talking about Tess, she didn’t know if she would actually make it.
As Larek took a small pause from speaking, Kivar managed to get in a “you know who really cared about Antar’s people?” before Larek could cut him off.
Liz tried to stay focused, tried to continue to listen to what Larek had to say about Antar’s poor, but she could no longer keep her mind from going to places she didn’t want to go. Kivar’s last comment was the proverbial straw. Larek and the rest of the council faded from the forefront of her mind as she drifted back to the last time she had seen Tess.
Liz sighed in exhaustion as she searched through her locker trying to find her notes for English. She hadn’t really given much thought to school since Alex’s death and had completely forgotten about the quiz that was scheduled for today. Figured. Today was already one of those days she wished she never bothered to show up for school and if she didn’t manage to stay awake and cram hard during lunch she could cap it off by failing the quiz.
Out of the corner of her eye Liz noticed two sophomores staring at her and speaking in hushed tones. That had been going on all day. Apparently the day after she was supposed to have left for Sweden, when she and Maria had skipped school to try and discover where Alex had really been, Max and Tess caused a scene by appearing to be very much together - hands where held, kisses exchanged. Her absence on that day and the few days after that were taken as some sort of evidence of a great scandal. W. Roswell High had a long memory and her exploits with Max in the Eraser Room were making their way around the rumor mill again. Liz had heard people saying that she had been absent because she hadn’t gotten over Max and was heartbroken – they had gone to prom together after all. She’d also heard that she had been spending the last few days burying her grief over Alex’s death by engaging in a sex spree with Sean – her "fling" with Kyle had proven she wasn’t a prude and she and Sean certain had been spending a lot of time together. Liz briefly wondered which one of those two stories those girls believed or if they were discussing one she hadn’t yet heard. Whatever. She was too tired to waste what energy she had trying to figure out what other people were saying about her.
"Ahha!" she exclaimed, finally finding what she was looking for. Now she could get some studying done.
"Liz," a voice called softly behind her. Damnit. She didn’t need this. Liz turned around to face the last person she wanted to see right now. Well, maybe second to last. Max beat the girl out by just a smidge.
"Tess, I don’t have time to talk. English quiz."
Tess looked at her knowingly. Liz hated that.
"Right, a quiz. Well, I only want a second."
Only a second to gloat? That was impressively low-key. Liz crossed her arms and kept her face free of emotion.
"Then you better hurry."
Tess’ lips curved up into a sick smile. "Liz, I just wanted to tell you how happy I am that you found, at least for a little bit, some, um, joy with Kyle."
“I’m glad my joy can bring you joy Tess," Liz replied quickly, not quite sure why the blonde was bringing up her supposed night with Kyle after all this time.
"I mean, I would just feel so bad to think that I had deprived you of the incredible sensations that can be found at the hands of Max Evans if I didn’t know you had some one else to keep you satisfied." Tess gave Liz another nauseating smile that Liz decided was the girl’s attempt to appear sweet. It didn’t work.
"Tess, what the hell do you want?"
"Oh, I just wanted to return the favor, really." Tess couldn’t keep the sick glee out of her eyes. What ever she was about to say, she was really relishing it.
"And what favor is that?" Liz’s eyes narrowed.
"Your report on Kyle’s performance. I can’t make any comparison comments, but I think it’s safe to say that you would have found Max up to your standards. I know he surpassed any one I’ve ever had." Liz’s chest felt suddenly tight. "Of course, since you’re not one of us, I don’t know if you would have experienced that hour-long orgasm. That’s probably just an alien thing."
With a triumphant smile Tess turned around and walked away, not once glancing back at Liz who was now leaning against her locker for support. She couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think in complete sentences. Max… Tess… oh God. Somewhere in the back of her head she knew it shouldn’t hurt this bad. Her eyes shouldn’t be welling up and her heart shouldn’t feel as though someone were squeezing the life out of it. She was about to break down in the middle of the hallway because a man she hadn’t really dated in almost a year, who hadn’t spoken a civil word to her in days, had slept with his new girlfriend. The last thought Liz had before she passed out was that this should really give those sophomores something to talk about.
“And I’m sure my second agrees with me,” Larek’s voice called her back to the present. Though the halls of W. Roswell High were replaced by an alien king and an old theater, her chest felt as tight as it had that morning years ago. At least she could breathe and didn’t think she was in any danger of passing out. “These are the people we must keep in our minds as we make our plans. They are the ones who stand the most to lose.”
“Yes, of course, Larek,” Liz offered as she tried to mentally shake off the remnants of that memory. Tess’ last words to her echoed in her ears and she tried to block them out. Still, they lingered.
“Well, when exactly are we going to get to those plans?” Kathana interjected, taking the opportunity to bring the conversation to where she had been wanting it to go. “I’m all for discussing the people and their past, but when are we going to get to the future?”
“I think we need to get everything out in the open before we can start making plans,” Sero countered.
“Well, I can’t think of a topic we haven’t touched. Except of course how Zan is going to relinquish the throne and how we’re going to take over.”
“While I’m getting tired of sitting here too, moving to secession of power is premature,” Michael spoke firmly. “You’re asking a lot from us and we still don’t have any great reason to think that all that you say is going to happen as you promise it will.”
“I agree with Michael. We cannot expect trust to be formed so easily,” Liz added as she took a deep breath, trying to ease the tightness in her chest. She looked down at Max as she spoke, but his eyes were still fixed on the table in front of him. “Believe me, once trust is broken it takes a long time to reform.”
“You’re exactly right,” Hanar agreed as she shifted in her chair so she could look directly at Liz. “I don’t want to do this any longer than we have to, but we’re talking about peace for all our worlds. Building the trusted need for that deserves as much time and attention as we can give it, probably more.”
“Some of us may have to give more,” Tukaram quipped while staring pointedly at Kivar.
“Yes, I’m sure that there are various bonds of trust that will take more time to form,” Liz added politely, trying not to call attention to the most glaring lack of trust in the room. It would probably take several lifetimes more than the two they had been given for any kind of trust to form between those two men.
“I think we all know who you mean by that,” Kivar challenged with a glare. “No need to try and be diplomatic now, not when you’ve been so good at calling a spade a spade.”
“Fine,” she conceded as she glared back. “Trusting you is going to be the hardest thing for many of us, especially Antar’s rightful king, to do. And yes, you’re going to have to help us find a way that we can trust you.”
“Here’s my problem, Ms Parker,” Kivar responded with a sneer. “You all come in here talking about trust, and try to convince this little boy to trust me. Well, what about me? Why should I trust him? Why should I trust a man who would kill his own wife?
“Tess was not my wife,” Max’s low voice joined the conversation. Liz looked his way to see his eyes were no longer staring at the table, rather they were locked with Kivar’s. “What she was is evil. She betrayed us, planned to deliver us into your hands, Kivar. So I’m sorry if I ruined your plans, but I can’t be faulted for protecting people from that scheming whore.”
Eyes flitted back and forth between Max and Kivar. It appeared the confrontational Max of the past two days was back. Liz only hoped the two kings managed to find their way off the topic of Tess. She didn’t know if her stomach, let alone her heart, could take it.
“My, my, such strong words,” Kivar sneered with contempt. “So, that’s your story? That she was planning on turning you over to me? And you expect this council to believe that? Please, Max. I don’t think any kingly posturing can convince us that Ava - sweet, little Ava who worshiped the ground you walked on - turned on the love of her lives, so to speak.”
“No, probably not,” Max gritted out as he continued to stare down Kivar. Liz could tell he was struggling to keep his anger in check. It seemed she wasn’t the only one who could get Max to break his control. Even from the grave Tess was proving to her just how unspecial she was. “But Tess wasn’t Ava and she did betray us. She may have had the memories of Ava, but she had been raised by an unfeeling man and became an unfeeling bitch.”
“So, you killed her because she never had a chance to know love. She didn’t get it from Nasedo and we all know she couldn’t get it from you in any life time.” Liz shifted uncomfortably as Kivar glanced her way. “Poor little girl, never had a chance in the world. I wonder if she really was going to betray you, or if she just wouldn’t obey your every command. Was that it Max? She wouldn’t let you tell her what to do so you got rid of her?”
“Shut the hell up, Kivar.” Max’s fists came down hard on the table in front of him as he abruptly stood. Michael put his hand on Max’s arm, in an effort to calm or constrain Liz couldn’t tell.
Kivar didn’t appear intimated by Max’s outburst at all. He just laughed. “Is there any wonder why we worry about you becoming king?”
Max’s body jerked and Liz could now tell that Michael was indeed restraining him. Kivar just smiled at Max’s reaction while both Banar and Jael tensed. They looked like they were prepared to jump in and break up any fight that might break out.
“Enough.” Liz was slightly surprised at the authority and power in her own voice and even more surprised to find herself standing as though in full command. For a second it was probably out of line. For a woman who had been hurt by the girl in question probably more than anyone else in this world, including Max, it was fully justified. She wasn’t going to let Tess or anyone using Tess’ name hurt any more people. “Kivar, your concern over Tess is misplaced. Max is right. She acted evilly. She killed an innocent person and showed no remorse for it. And she did have a chance to know love, she just abused the people who offered it. This conversation is out of line and if I thought you were even capable of sincerity, I would tell you to apologize to all of us for wasting our time talking about her.”
“Liz,” Larek’s voice gently called to her in her anger. As she took a deep breath and lowered herself into her seat, she stole a quick glance at Max. He was still standing, Michael’s hand still on his arm, but he no longer looked enraged. No, instead he appeared almost stunned, not quite sure of what he was seeing. When she risked another look, she saw that while he was no longer standing, his expression remained the same.
“The execution of Ava’s clone Tess,” Larek continued once he saw the council members settled down, “as already been examined and deemed a necessary act. Kivar, you know this. Do not bring it up again, not unless you want all the acts of your past dredged up and discussed.”
“That certainly wouldn’t do.” Though he appeared disappointed on the surface, Liz could sense Kivar was deeply satisfied.
He really does just enjoy causing trouble, she thought.
“I’m sure it wouldn’t,” Larek replied sternly. The chair shook his head as he looked out at the dignitaries in front of him. “We’ve done some really good work here today. I know this is difficult. We want to get to an answer soon but I think we were just given yet another example why this must take time. Before we adjourn for the day, I would ask that tonight we each, and I do mean each and every one of us, take time to reflect on what it would take for us to have more faith in each other and this process.”
Though his words were spoken for all, Larek’s eye-line told Liz that he was speaking mainly to Max.
“Having asked that,” he continued, “I wish you a good day. I will see you all tomorrow morning.”
As soon as Larek finished speaking, Max quickly stood up and walked off-stage. When Michael didn’t immediately jump up to follow him, Liz did. Or at least she tried to follow him. He was moving quickly and she had to break into a small run. He was almost to the small lobby in the front of the theater before she caught sight of him again.
“Max, Max wait!” she shouted up the stairwell. She saw him stiffen, however slightly, at the sound of her voice. He moved to open the door to the lobby.
“Max, please,” she implored softly as she continued walking up the stairs. She was not going to let him get away from her. Instead of continuing to the lobby, he paused.
“What do you want, Liz?” he asked coolly, not turning around to face her.
“I want to talk to you.”
“And why do you think that’s a good idea? Didn’t get us anywhere yesterday.” Again, he was playing this cool and casual. As she closed the last few steps between them, she could see while his tone may belie his emotions, his body did not. His shoulders and neck were tight and tense.
“Max,” she said softly as she gently touched his elbow, turning him to face her. “I wouldn’t say that.”
His eyes traveled down to look at her hand touching his arm, then slowly back up to look into her own. They were searching her. She responded by searching back.
“I don’t understand you, Liz.”
Well that’s a nice change of pace, she thought as she lowered her hand and said “What do you mean?”
“Why...” He paused, letting out a tired sigh and running a hand through his hair. “Larek came to our hotel yesterday, which I would guess you know. Among many other things he mentioned that I have you to thank for my different reception today.”
Liz shrugged. “I just pointed out what I thought was the obvious.”
“No.” Max shook his head firmly. “You defended me Liz. You defended me then and you did it again just now and I don’t understand.”
The intensity in his gaze was making her uneasy.
“I’m just doing my job,” she tried to explain casually. “Trying to make this thing work.”
She saw the disbelief in his eyes, as though he wasn’t sure if she was telling the full truth. He was right. She knew she couldn’t go around preaching about trust if she wasn’t going to be honest enough to deserve it.
“And sometimes you are worth defending,” she added softly.
The last bit of tension left his body as he gave her a faint smile.
“You really don’t ever give up, do you?” There was a touch of awe in his voice.
“What?” she replied, unsure of his meaning, unsure of him. In this stairwell she thought she was seeing another trace of the boy she had loved so well. It terrified her.
“Nothing,” he mumbled quietly. He opened the door and gestured for her to walk through. She did and he followed her into the lobby. They stood in the middle of the small lobby for a few moments, just looking at each other. Liz wished harder now than ever before that she could sense what he was feeling. She wished too that she could tell what her own feelings were.
Voices of some of the other council members filtered up the stairwell into the lobby. In just a few moments they would no longer be alone. She didn’t know what was going on, but she knew she didn’t want this time alone to end. Neither apparently did Max, for once again he opened a door and gestured to her to follow.
The moment she stepped outside, she felt herself shiver in the face of the cold winter afternoon. She had followed Max so quickly she hadn’t stopped to get her coat from Whitmore. Just as her body was registering how cold it really was, she felt herself enclosed in warmth. Max was draping his coat over her shoulders.
“Aren’t you -“ she began before he cut her off with a small shake of his head.
“Don’t feel it,” he replied softly as he began to walk down the sidewalk. She put her arms through his coat and again followed.
They walked together in silence, weaving through the locals and tourists alike. Liz couldn’t help but notice how the occasional head would turn to take in a good view of the man walking with her. Max, of course, appeared oblivious to the attention he was drawing. He always had.
Several blocks away from the theater they turned off the main road and headed down a small alley. They walked down the alley to a quieter street lined with modest looking townhouses. Walking down the street a short distance brought them to a small park. There were a couple benches and a few flower beds that were currently filled with pine straw. It wasn’t much but it was nice, contemplative even. As Max moved toward one of the benches Liz realized he must have known about this place. Sitting down next to him, she wondered if he came here to think often.
After a few moments Max broke their prolonged silence.
“Sometimes I wonder. I shouldn’t, but I do.”
“What do you wonder Max?”
He sighed as he stared out into the park. “I wonder if she was really as evil as I made her out to be in the end. I wonder if she really deserved to die.”
Liz slightly stunned and made a small face at his comment. She should be used to him surprising her by now but this was particularly disorienting. She truly never thought he would broach this topic with her.
Trying to recover from her surprise, she replied, “You heard Larek. It was deemed necessary.”
He continued as if he hadn’t heard her. “I know it shouldn’t have happened like it did but I never thought to question whether or not she should be dead. Always just assumed. Maybe I was wrong.”
“Max,” she said firmly, drawing his attention away from his inner thoughts and to her. He looked so... so lost. Though it went against all her barriers of self-preservation, she responded to his statement.
“I don’t know what’s right or what’s wrong when it comes to death,” she admitted honestly. “But Tess was horrible and made no apologies for it. She would have hurt someone else and you couldn’t exactly send her to prison. It was a tough choice to make, Max. I think you did the best anyone could given the situation.”
“Given the situation that I made,” he replied gruffly.
“Why are you looking for more ways to torment yourself?” she asked and realized the answer to her own question immediately. Max wasn’t exactly a stranger to self-inflicted torment. Still, this was a little different. “Look, I think I get what you’re doing. By taking away her active role in creating her own fate, you take away her power. I get that, I do. I don’t want to hate her because I don’t want her to have the kind of power that hatred still has over me.”
While she was speaking these words in order to help Max, just saying them helped to recenter her.
“But she hurt people, took people I loved away from me,” Liz continued in full truthfullness, “and that’s not something I can just easily get over. Every time I hear her name mentioned I want to throw up. So, I guess even from the grave she’s still got power over me. And while I hate that, I’m not going to create some scenario where I hate myself instead of her or something just so I deny her that power.”
Max stared at her blankly.
“God, I’m just rambling here aren’t I?” She gave a half-laugh at her situation. Here she was, trying to convince her ex-boyfriend that killing the woman that came between them wasn’t something he need to feel guilty about. “But I mean it Max. Don’t let your need for control over the situation let you lay blame at the wrong feet. The Tess we knew was about as horrible as a person as I have ever met. She used and hurt people without a second thought. Actually, sometimes I think she did things for the sheer pleasure of causing others pain.”
Though Max continued to stare at her as though he didn’t understand a thing she was saying, though it might do more harm than good, and though she never intending on revealing what they held, the words kept coming.
“She confronted me before she split town. The last time I saw her she let me know how far your relationship had developed, how great things were, how great 'it' was. She had no reason to tell me that except to cause me pain.” Max’s eyes were growing increasingly wide and he moved his mouth slightly, as though he was trying to find something to say. “I’m not saying that to bring up old issues, just to provide an example of what she was like.”
With those last words, Liz stood up from the bench and took a few steps. Having let all that out, she couldn’t handle being so close to Max. The tears that she couldn’t avoid started to fall and she wiped at them furiously, keeping her back to Max as she tried to pull herself together.
“You knew?”
His stunned voice drew her attention and her gaze. He still looked completely thrown. She wondered painfully if she had worn a similar expression when Tess had confronted her.
“About you and Tess? Yes.”
“But, you... you were going to...” She was half-glad to see that he was having just as much trouble forming complete thoughts as she often did when she thought about certain things from their past. “I mean, you... you acted surprised that night when, uh, when I - “
“Rubbed it in my face?” she challenged, immediately angry that was the first place he went. “I think I was more surprised that you would bring it up the way you did, when you did.”
“Right,” he replied quietly, almost as if her words or the memory those words brought up hurt him. Liz inwardly scoffed at herself. She was the one that those memories hurt. No need to go projecting that pain onto others.
“I should have known better than to have a conversation about her with you,” she muttered, trying to calm herself down. “There’s just too much stuff in the way. I can’t exactly be all clear headed and free of emotion as some.”
She arched her brow pointedly in those last words. He had the grace to nod in recognition of their seeming truth. She stood there for a moment, trying to think of what she could possibly say next, before he took the pressure off her by speaking first, and surprising her once again.
“She lied to you.”
Lied? Well of course Tess lied to her. She lied to all of them. She was full of lies - they were one of her trademarks, like overly-applied make-up or obsessing about being an alien queen. No, she realized with fuller awareness, he was talking about one thing in particular.
“What do you mean? You didn’t...” Her voice trailed off, not quite able to complete the question and say those words.
“Oh no, much to my shame, we did,” he replied ruefully. “But it... it wasn’t.”
“Wasn’t what?” she asked sharply, annoyed that he wasn’t just spitting whatever he had to say out.
“Great, it wasn’t great.”
Liz suddenly felt incredibly uncomfortable. “Your sex life is none of my business, Max. I really don’t want to know.”
He nodded again which for some reason instead of placating her, only made her angrier.
“And come on, do you actually expect me to believe that?” she asked incredulously. “Sure, evil bitch, but you didn’t know that then. And the hour long orgasms she oh-so-casually mentioned don’t classify as great? Please, I’m not that naive.”
“I know you aren’t.” He said that in normal voice but Liz saw the quick flash of pain in his eyes. Damn, she hadn’t meant that as a specific reference. She hadn’t lived that lie in a long time. But of course Max took it that way. She might have forgotten that she was supposed to be an experienced woman, but he obviously hadn’t.
“Sorry,” she mumbled, her anger deflated. “I don’t know why I said that. I just really don’t want to be talking about this.”
“Fine,” he acquiesced softly.
“Fine,” she echoed as she focused on the tree behind his head. She forced herself to stay, refusing to give in to the urge to run. She would just clear her thoughts, shake off the last of these turbulent emotions, and then they could talk. About what, she had absolutely no idea. She would be open to discuss just about anything. The council, Kivar, the best movie they’d seen this year, whatever - as long as it didn’t involved Tess or their past, she could deal.
“It’s true though, I think.” Max’s soft voice was once again drawing her attention. She looked back to him and was startled by what she saw. He was looking at her, really and truly looking at her. Like he was trying to reach deep inside her soul. It was a familiar gaze, but one she hadn’t seen in a very long time.
“What they say about love making all the difference. It’s true.” He was trying to sound casual, but a small hint of desperation leaked through. He needed to say this and needed her to hear it. “One kiss with someone you love is better in every imaginable way than a thousand nights with someone you don’t.
As she processed his words, she felt herself falling into those eyes of his, the ones that were full of such fragile longing, the ones that matched her own. She had spent the last few days wishing she knew what was going on inside of him, wishing she could see him as she once did. And here it was. Max was actually sharing some of his self here, no longer playing it cold and emotion free. As she continued to look, no, fall into his eyes, her heart raced, her stomach clenched, and her soul rejoiced. She felt that pull, the one that led her to dare to dream, to jump off bridges, to risk everything in the name of love. The one, a small voice in the back of her mind reminded her, that brought her nothing but pain and emptiness in the end.
That voice, one that sounded remarkably like Maria, brought reality crashing down around her. She forced herself to break contact with those beautiful eyes, to look anywhere but at him. She used to think that when she gave into that pull she was following her heart. Now she knew she was just giving into delusional fantasies. For god’s sake, they had just been talking about when he slept with the woman that murdered Alex. Nothing resembling love or romance or her dreams would be found here.
“Really, you think?” Liz managed to say the words with a clear voice. She paused for a moment, pretending to reflect on the past experiences she supposedly had. “Hmm. You know, can’t say that I agree, but each to their own.”
“Right,” he said flatly. She dared to look back at him and saw that all the emotion he had been placing out there was once again hidden behind the cool gaze. Her barb had clearly hit its mark. The Max of old who had begun to emerge had quickly retreated into his cold shell. She hadn’t wanted to hurt him but at the same time it was the only way she knew to protect herself.
“That’s right,” he began, his voice low and slightly acidic, “I seemed to have forgotten love isn’t something you value highly. Bet that makes you real popular with your college boys. Or do you still only give it up to washed-up jocks and criminal wannabes?”
She knew what he was doing, trying to hurt her as she had just hurt him. She knew this and still she lashed out.
“Fuck off Max.”
“What, with you?” he sneered. “No thanks. I prefer my women a little less used.”
Her urge to vomit was only matched by her urge to hit him with the green power now lighting up her fingertips.
“I wasn’t offering. I prefer my men a little more human.”
With those last parting words she ripped off the coat that had been keeping her warm. She let it drop to the ground as she turned and stormed away, the occasional green crackle hitting the ground in front of her. She managed to neither break into a run nor break into tears until she turned into the alleyway. Once there, out of Max’s sight, she did both with great force.
Ghost (CC,M/L,Mature/Adult) [COMPLETE]
Moderators: Itzstacie, Forum Moderators
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Doublestuf
- Enthusiastic Roswellian
- Posts: 56
- Joined: Tue Oct 09, 2001 4:58 pm
Part 10
Last edited by Doublestuf on Tue Sep 06, 2005 3:58 pm, edited 2 times in total.
A better world has got to start somewhere. Why not with you and me?
-
Doublestuf
- Enthusiastic Roswellian
- Posts: 56
- Joined: Tue Oct 09, 2001 4:58 pm
Part 11
Part 11
Watershed
Thought I knew my mind like the back of my hand,
The gold and the rainbow, but nothing panned out as I planned.
And they say only milk and honey's gonna make your soul satisfied!
Well I better learn how to swim
Cause the crossing is chilly and wide.
Twisted guardrail on the highway, broken glass on the cement
A ghost of someone's tragedy
How recklessly my time has been spent.
And they say that it's never too late, but you don't get any younger!
Well I better learn how to starve the emptiness
And feed the hunger
Up on the watershed, standing at the fork in the road
You can stand there and agonize
Till your agony's your heaviest load.
You'll never fly as the crow flies, get used to a country mile.
When you're learning to face the path at your pace
Every choice is worth your while.
Well there's always retrospect to light a clearer path
Every five years or so I look back on my life
And I have a good laugh.
You start at the top, go full circle round
Catch a breeze, take a spill
But ending up where i started again makes me wanna stand still.
Stepping on a crack, breaking up and looking back
Every tree limb overhead just seems to sit and wait.
Until every step you take becomes a twist of fate.
- Indigo Girls
One of Liz’s favorite things about moving up north was the air. The Bostonian air might not have been as clean as the desert air of New Mexico, but in the winter there was just something invigorating about it. Stepping out onto her balcony on a cold day gave her a rush, filled her with a greater sense of being alive. Her skin tingled from the cold, making her feel fresh and clean. Some days she imagined she could taste the promise of snow in the air and it made her smile. Though it might cause chapped lips and extra-rosy cheeks, the winter air had been good to her these past few years.
But now the crisp air was anything but her friend. It set her lungs on fire as she ran, made her sharply aware of the wetness that covered her face. Though the wind power in New York was usually less impressive than Boston’s, today it felt as if somehow she had angered the Greek god Aeolos and he was sending all the winds at his disposal after her. They kept pushing her back, as though they didn’t want her to continue her flight.
Too damn bad, Liz thought as she continued running. She had no choice but to run. She had to get away from Max before she said or did anything that would screw things up even more. For two people who used to be so in sync, they were impressively dissonant. In a matter of minutes they had run the course from delicate openness to jarring anger.
She approached the theater unsure of what she would find. To her ever lasting gratitude, Whitmore had pulled the limo around to the front of the theater. Seeing her approach, still at full speed, he quickly got out of the car with her coat in hand.
“Have you been hurt?” he shouted urgently, running out to meet her.
She shook her head no as she started to slow down. Her feet finally stopped their flight in front of Whitmore, breath labored, nose and eyes red from both the tears and the cold. He absorbed the sight of her as he wrapped her coat around her shoulders.
“You and me, we can go somewhere.” As he spoke so with deep kindness, he reached into his own coat, pulled out a small handkerchief, and gently wiped her tears. “Anywhere this limo can take us. And if you need to go somewhere it can’t, then we’ll take care of that too.”
“Thank you,” she managed to say weakly, “but I just want to go home.”
“To Boston?”
His question threw her. Go to Boston? Oh god, how good that sounded. She managed to resist temptation and shook her head no.
“I meant the hotel. I just want to go there and rest.” And talk to Alex.
Whitmore looked at her closely again, as though he were internally debating whether or not to leave things at that. He must have decided to put his paternal instincts aside because he nodded and guided her to the car door.
On the way from the theater to the hotel, Liz stared out the tinted windows trying to lose herself in the melee of the city. The passing traffic, bustling people, and flashing lights, however, provided little distraction. All she could see were Max’s eyes - before and after she crushed the fragile emotional honesty he had offered. The words they had struck each other with replayed over and over. It wasn’t until Whitmore’s hand gently shook her arm that she realized the limo had stopped and they had arrived at the hotel.
“Are you sure you want to be alone right now?” he asked as he offered his hand to help her out of the car.
Taking his hand, Liz nodded. “Thank you, though.”
After shutting the door behind her, Whitmore offered her a small hug. Liz accepted both it and the feelings of care and compassion he sent out to her. Taking a deep breath, she pulled herself out of the embrace.
“Tell Larek that I’ll see him tomorrow morning and to be ready,” she warned. “I... I lost my cool with Max and we exchanged some heated words. I may have messed things up beyond repair.”
“Don’t worry about that, now,” Whitmore counseled. “Larek is an impressive statesman. Whatever happens tomorrow, he’ll find a way to make things work. You just worry about getting yourself back together.”
“I will,” Liz replied with a small smile of thanks. Waving goodbye, she headed into the hotel. Somehow she knew Alex was already waiting for her. What exactly she was going to say to him, she wasn’t so sure.
Words were, however, not an issue. The moment Liz opened her hotel door and saw Alex leaning against the armchair, she once again burst into tears. A pair of arms quickly encircled her, gently guiding her from the doorway to the couch. She stayed in those arms, letting out all the emotions that were swirling around inside.
“Why, Alex,” she managed after awhile to say through her tears, “why did I have to be so awful?”
Alex didn’t answer, rather continued gently rubbing her back. Taking a few deep breaths, Liz willed herself to lift her head from his chest.
“I screwed up, Alex,” she moaned. “I screwed up so bad.”
"What do you mean, sweetie?" he asked as reached to get a box of tissues on the side table behind him.
"Max. Of course it's Max,” she said with a half-laugh, taking a tissue from the box he held out. “I completely flipped on him. I ruined everything.”
“Liz, you couldn’t have ruined everything in one afternoon.”
Shaking her head, her voice became more accusatory in tone. “I hurt him, Alex. A few days ago I would have told you there was no way I could. But there's no mistaking what happened today."
"Why do you think you hurt him?” he asked softly. “Did you two talk about the picture he carries of you?"
"No. That would have been a much safer topic.” Liz swallowed the familiar urge to be sick. “We talked about Tess."
"How in the universe did that happen?" Alex’s calm exterior was replaced by an expression of shock.
"And for some reason,” Liz continued, too absorbed in the ache of remembering to register his question, “for some reason in that moment he started to open up. I looked into his eyes and for the first time in years, it wasn't like seeing a stranger.”
The memory of those eyes, his vulnerability, the familiar feeling that had threatened to overpower her very being, the whole of what she had cruelly rejected made her wince with the pain of regret.
“Five years, Alex. I've gone five years without him opening up to me and today I shut him down so fast I doubt he'll ever risk it again."
"What did you - no,” he interrupted himself, “I'm sorry. The details are between the two of you."
"We both said some things, but it was all my fault,” Liz offered as explanation to her friend, self-derision still clear in her voice. “I couldn't just ignore his invitation, his emotional exposure. I had to strike at him when he was most vulnerable and where he was most vulnerable. I had to reintroduce what was probably the greatest pain I ever afflicted upon him.”
"You mean your supposed night with Kyle."
"That and the whole "I-want-a-normal-boy” thing.”
"So, all these years and he still doesn't know the truth?"
“Uh, no,” Liz replied slightly startled at Alex’s question. The memories of various reasons why she hadn’t told him mixed with the fresh memories she was currently absorbed in. The mingling only caused more internal confusion. “I went so long wishing I could tell him. I've gone even longer thinking if I ever did tell him it wouldn't matter anymore."
"So he doesn't know anything about that night,” Alex pressed gently, “nothing about his future self or any of it?"
"No. I didn't tell him because...” The self-doubt that had plagued her for years over her decision to remain silent only sharpened the pain inside. “I don't know. At the time I thought I did. I didn’t get a chance to say anything before he left and it just didn’t make sense to bombard him with that information when he finally got back from hunting Tess. I mean, what good is a “hey by the way, she’s supposed to help us stop the apocalypse” once she was dead? I guess I just hoped that Future Max was wrong or something. Or maybe that the big thing Tess needed to do was destroy the Skins army, which she did. I wasn’t exactly the clearest thinker; it’s been hard to know what to do with this information. I haven’t even told Ava; she’s had enough issues to deal with. I’m the only one who knows. Well, Maria knows some of it.”
“And she never told Michael?
“No, we both thought it would only make things worse since he couldn’t do anything about Tess being dead. And you know Maria,” Liz continued feeling slightly lighter thinking about her friend, “she may have a big mouth, but when it counts she’s good.
“Except the time she told her cousin about you both practice applying make-up on me,” Alex agreed with a grin.
“Yeah, except for that.” Liz allowed herself a slight smile at that memory before her internal conflict and confusion overwhelmed her once again. “Maybe I made the wrong decision. It didn’t really feel like much of a decision, though. More like quiescence based in fear. Future Max didn’t seem to know Tess was a traitor, but maybe he did. Maybe he engineered the whole thing to get her to show her true colors early, so the other aliens could do something about it in time. But then why didn’t he just tell me she had gone over to the other side? Or maybe we’re all doomed no matter what we do to try and stop the end of the world. Maybe everything is for nothing.”
“Or maybe you’ve been bearing this burden too long,” he countered as he reached over and placed a comforting hand on her leg. “Liz, I don’t know Future Max’s motives, but if he was anything like the Max we knew, then I doubt he would have developed some elaborate scheme to bring us to this point. He probably had just as much information as you did.”
Liz nodded in acceptance of his words.
“It's just so convoluted. It's too much - questionable information, intergalactic battles, different timelines, dealing with decisions made in different lives. I don't know how Max deals with all of it. Actually, I lied. I do know how he deals. He draws within himself.” Disappointment in herself flared up once again, filling once more her well of anger. “God, I was just yelling at him yesterday for not taking risks, for not reaching out to people. Why did I deliberately hurt him?"
"Why did you?" he returned, forcing the question back.
She sighed, looking toward the hotel window in order to avoid eye contact with Alex. Though she had been asking herself and Alex why, she knew before she even asked the question. She knew, she just didn’t want to deal with the answer.
“Liz,” Alex coaxed softly, drawing her attention and gaze back to him.
Though it made her uneasy, the time had come to stop running from the truth. Trusting in Alex’s goodness and understanding to help her through, she answered him.
"Self-preservation."
"Can you elaborate on that?" he asked gently.
"I'm scared, Alex,” she confessed, her voice cracking slightly as she spoke. “He's hurt me so badly before, betrayed my trust in him. I didn't want to open myself up to that again. He carved my heart into so many pieces that I still haven't fully healed. I don't want to get hurt like that ever again."
"Betrayed? Do you mean Tess?" Though he asked the question innocently enough, Liz knew from both her senses and his look that he was searching for something more, that he knew there was something else behind her words.
"Yes, and no. That wasn’t...” Liz struggled to find the words. “Those aren’t some of my favorite memories to relive. While we weren't officially together, while I even pushed him toward her, I admit it. It did feel like a betrayal.”
A wave of empathy came over her and Liz wondered if Alex felt similarly when Isabel started seeing Grant.
“But,” she continued slowly, the thoughts she was speaking out loud only fully realized as she spoke them, “I think I could have recovered from that, at least enough to risk opening myself up to being a friend. You know, someone who could handle even a little bit of emotional intimacy."
"All right, so what's the thing that's stopping you?” Alex pushed firmly. With the tone and the look in his eye, he was making it clear he wasn’t going to let her escape the conversation this time. While part of her was grateful, another part couldn’t help but attempt to evade once more.
"Um, some other stuff that happened." The words sounded pathetically flat, even to her.
"Stuff that happened?” Alex cocked his brow. “Liz, you've got to stop being evasive. If you ever want to work past whatever it is that brought you to this place, this place where you sob tears of disappointment and burn with anger at yourself, you have got to deal."
"I know,” she lamented softly. “God, I know that Alex. I want to tell you. I do. I want to move on. I want to, but I can’t.
“Why not?”
His simple question was the one she had been struggling with for over four years.
It’s...” She paused as she agonized over how to communicate what had been incommunicable for her for so long. “Is there anything that you’ve seen or experienced that you don’t know where to begin? Don’t know how to find the words to express what any of it was like?”
“Yes,” he replied in a low voice. “My death.”
“Oh, Alex.” Her eyes became misty once more as her own internal pain was quickly replaced by compassion for her friend.
“It was hard, very hard,” he confided quietly, his eyes clouding over as he continued. “I’d start to think about it and I would be filled with this incredible sense of violation. Death can be peaceful, it can be a release, a new beginning. Mine wasn’t peaceful at all, and while it was a new beginning, it wasn’t the best way to start.”
“Alex,” Liz breathed sorrowfully. She had always wondered if he felt any pain, if he knew what was going on, if his death had been at all peaceful. Now she knew.
“Hey, don’t worry about me,” he insisted as he passed her another tissue from the box in his lap. A faint smile crossed his lips and the shadow in his eyes lifted. “I’m in that infamous better place, remember? And I eventually found someone who understood.”
“Someone else died like you did?” she asked in confusion.
“No, but another Guardian, a friend actually,” Alex answered, his smile growing, “shared her story with me. She died from leukemia and the way she talked about her cancer, how it just invaded her body and took over, until she didn’t recognize it as hers anymore. Well, that’s how I felt, except instead of cancer I was diagnosed with a bad case of mindwarping. Once she shared that with me, I found myself able to vocalize what had happened.”
Liz wiped away the few tears that had fallen from her eyes as she took in what Alex had said.
“Hey, better place,” he insisted with a full grin. “I’m serious, don’t spend those tears on me. You’ve been doing enough crying for one day. I’m sure you’ve reached your quota.”
“Yeah, I guess I have,” she smiled back. “I’m kinda emotional, in case you didn’t notice.”
“No I didn’t,” he teased gently.
Liz let herself have a small laugh before she turned back to the issue at hand. “If I could talk about this with anyone, you know it would be you. But I honestly don’t know where to find the words.”
“I don’t want you to tax yourself more than you already have,” Alex offered gently. “Maybe we can talk about this another time, a time when things are less intense.”
Though she appreciated his suggestion, Liz knew she couldn’t let herself take the easy way out again. “If there’s one thing I’ve learned about life with aliens it is that it’s never going to be ‘less intense.’ I want to find a way to deal.”
“Are you sure? I really don’t want to pressure you.”
“Thank you, Alex, but I’m sure,” she insisted. “I need to move on. While I tell Maria I’m fine, I know. I know it’s part of what’s been holding me back in life. And I don’t want it any more.”
“Okay. Okay.” Alex stood up from the couch and began walking around coffee table, head down as though deep in thought.
Liz watched him meditate on whatever was in his head for a couple minutes before she asked, “So, what are you thinking about?”
Alex paused his step and looked up from the ground. He stared at her for a moment, as though trying to assess exactly what to say, before he spoke.
“This may sound weird and I’m telling you up front that I know that.”
“Okay,” she said slowly. “What’s up?”
Walking around the coffee table, he sat down beside her again. “Well, if it’s the words that are getting in your way, I may have a suggestion.”
Oh anything, she thought as she asked “What?”
“Don’t tell me, show me.”
“What?” she exclaimed, startled by his words.
“Um, you know, show me,” he replied tentatively, squirming slightly in uneasiness. “Connect with me. Show me what happened. That way you won’t find yourself unable to speak. You won’t have to.”
Liz was taken aback by his proposition. "I never thought of that before, not even to try with Maria. Can we even do that?"
“Why not?” he countered, his voice stronger with confidence as he spoke. “You’re a human with superpowers and I’m a dead guy with otherworldly powers. I think between the two of us we can manage.”
Now it was Liz’s turn to squirm. She liked the idea, she certainly wouldn’t be burdened by issues of verbalizing. But she was also wary of his suggestion. She wouldn’t be able to edit anything that happened and she didn’t know if that was a control she could give up.
"I, I don't know. You might see something you don't want to," she disclosed truthfully.
"Liz, I don't know what I may see. But whatever it is,” he assured her, “I will be able to handle it. It won't make me uncomfortable. While I know I may look like the same goofy Alex, I'm not. What might have made the teenage boy uneasy won’t faze the Guardian.”
In that moment Liz felt from Alex such an ageless sapience, she knew he would be fine. The question was, would she?
As if reading her mind, Alex added, "If you don't want to relive or reveal anything in such full detail, I understand. We can think of something else. Maybe you can find someone who’s experienced something similar and try to talk with them."
Liz couldn’t help but the smile that curved her lips. His words reminded her exactly why she would be fine even if she did relive one of the most painful nights of her life in full sound and color. "Thank you, but I think, I think I want to do this. Like I said, there’s no one else I’d rather help me through this. I know that, no matter what, my friend, both Alex the teenage boy and Alex the Guardian, is here. And he’ll love me and help me get through the other side."
Pulling her into a warm hug he replied, “Always. Even when you can’t see me, I’m here.”
She squeezed him as tightly as she could, as if she could absorb his warmth into her own heart. Finding strength in his embrace and his love, Liz readied herself for what she was about to do.
“All right,” she began as they turned towards one another fully, the couch being wide enough that they both could sit with their crossed legs touching.
“So, exactly how do we do this?” Alex asked as they settled in.
“Well, I don’t know, exactly. It just sort of happened between Max and me. We were always connected in some way, I think, and in intense moments or, um, intimate moments we would just see things, feel things from the other.”
“Even the first time?”
Liz tried to hold the pain she knew was coming at bay. Alex didn’t know it yet, but this conversation only reminded her of why it was so hard to talk about that night. The memories of the night they first connected sharply contrasted those of the night she was about to dredge up.
“No, that one took a little more effort.”
“Do you feel comfortable trying to do it like that, then?”
She nodded as she reached out and placed her hands on the sides of his face.
“Um, just look into my eyes.”
As Liz concentrated on connecting with Alex, she felt a pull. It was similar to the one she felt with Max, yet distinct. Instead of the burning energy she felt with Max, she felt a more soothing, yet less stimulating, power. The way it called to her was as though she were entering into a deep meditative state. Alex’s face began to fade away from her vision as he and she were pulled into the memory of one of the darkest nights of her life.
“Maria, how old do you have to be to start looking for grey hairs?” Liz stared closely at her dresser mirror, phone pressed against her ear, as she studied the hair around her temple. Was that the light hitting her hair funny or was that actually a grey hair?
“Chica, what are you talking about?” Maria sounded slightly distracted and exasperated. No doubt Michael was doing something to annoy her. “You’re not even 18. I think it’s still a little early to worry about going grey.”
Liz looked closer at the mirror. Maria was right; it was probably just weird lighting. “Ugh. Ignore me. I’m just feeling particularly old today.”
“Maybe we should have gotten a cake to commemorate the occasion or something. One with a bunch of little green aliens coming out of the mothership. There could even be one with spiky hair wearing a Metallica t-shirt and a snarl.”
In the background Liz heard an irritated “Maria” coming from Michael.
“Apparently someone’s not a fan of your cake idea.”
“Well, what can I say. Someone doesn’t have a highly evolved sense of self-deprecating humor.” In a loud whisper, she continued. “Just between you and me, I really think he just doesn’t want to be reminded of a certain hair phase and how obsessed he was with the coif.”
“Maria!” Liz laughed at her friend’s assessment, which was probably pretty on-target. Michael might be an alien warrior with a past life but he sure did take extra-special care of his hair. Maria had once told Liz that even after he had grown it out, he spent more time on fixing his hair than she did.
“Hold on Liz, I’m getting the death glare from Spaceboy.”
Listening to Maria tell Michael that he needed to excuse himself from his own living room so she could have quality talk with her best friend, Liz tried to fight the gnawing envy that had the tendency to appear when she was exposed to the couple, even when they were fighting. Actually, it was when they were fighting that she tended to be the most envious. No matter how hard they fought – and it could be impressive – they managed to come back to each other. If only she had been as lucky in her own love life.
“Sorry babe.” Maria’s voice pulled Liz out of her downward spiral of self-pity. “That boy of mine...”
Liz smiled into the phone. “Yep, that boy of yours. You love every moment of it.”
Maria laughed slightly. “Well, I don’t know about every moment.” She paused. “So talk to me about this feeling old stuff.”
Liz sighed. “I just can’t believe it’s been two years already. Part of me feels like it’s been twenty, part of me feels like it’s been two weeks.”
“So what have you done since dinner?” Liz had gone to Maria’s after school and had left there after being treated to Mrs. DeLuca’s attempt at comfort food, which basically meant lots of different kinds of pie.
“I walked around for a while, just trying to clear my thoughts.”
“And stay away from the Crashdown?” Maria added insightfully.
“Yeah, that too.”
“Okay, so your thoughts are clear. What else did you do?” Maria asked pointedly. “You were fine, well, as fine as you could be when I last saw you. What sent you down this depressed spiral?
“I didn’t really do much,” Liz replied quickly.
“Right, and why don’t I believe that?” Maria challenged. “Stop being evasive. What did you do?”
“Okay, okay,” Liz gave in. Once Maria honed in on something, there was no way you could stop her from getting what she wanted. “I read my journal entry tonight, the one I wrote a few days after, and it really got me. I was just so hopefully, you know?”
“Babe,” Maria groaned. “How many times do I have to tell you to burn that thing?”
“Maria,” Liz cautioned.
“I know, I know, it’s your life, your memories, and all of that. But Liz, it’s masochistic to read it.”
“I just need to remember sometimes,” she explained. “Remember what it felt like, remember that it was good once.”
“Liz,” Maria sighed. “I know you. You don’t need to read that thing to remember being in love with Max Evans. You’re still in love with him. There - I said it. We pretend like it’s not there, but it’s become the gigantic pink heffalump in the room.”
Liz laughed slightly. “Heffalump? Been watching Winnie the Pooh lately?”
“Yeah. I’ve been introducing Michael to the finer points of kids’ cartoons. He didn’t really watch any as a kid. And – hey, don’t deflect.”
“Sorry. No more deflecting.”
“So, do you want to talk about it?”
“Talk about what, exactly?” Liz sighed as she sat down on her bed.
“Talk about the fact that you’re still in love with the guy who brought you back to life two years ago today. The same guy who slept with the evil alien who killed your best friend, who split for months with no contact except that one unsuccessful phone call, who acted like an ass before he left and who has been cut off from everything and everyone, including you, since he got back. That. We could talk about that.”
“Am I so obvious?”
“No,” she offered kindly. “But I’m the best friend, I’m supposed to notice.”
“God, Maria,” Liz groaned. “I’m so pathetic.”
“No, babe, you’re not. You’re a girl who’s been in love and who’s still holding out hope that one day you can get back to that magical place.”
“But why am I holding on? Max hasn’t given me anything to have hope in since he got back and we all remember what happened before he left.”
“The heart doesn’t really obey our rules of logic,” Maria counseled wisely. “It tends to make its own.”
“I wish I could let go. But I don’t think I can,” Liz admitted both to Maria and to herself. She had spent all summer trying to deny it. Actually, she realized with a groan, she had been trying to lie to herself since the day at the rocks over a year ago. It hurt too much to face the awful truth. No matter what happened, she was always going to love Max Evans. Everyone else really would be second best.
“Am I going to be this miserable and lonely the rest of my life?”
“Absolutely not,” Maria insisted firmly. “One way or another, something will change. Either you and Max will find a way back to each other or you’ll get fed up and move on. It’ll happen Liz. You just may have to suffer in limbo until it does.”
“Limbo sucks,” she muttered disdainfully.
“Preach it, sister,” Maria laughed gently into the phone. “Want me to come over and keep you company? Limbo sucks but it can be more entertaining with a fabulous best friend and a pint of sinfully delicious ice cream.”
“Ice cream after all that pie?” Liz teased affectionately, Maria’s humor bringing out her own. “Thanks, Maria, but no. I know how much you’ve been needing your Michael time. You haven’t had him back but a few weeks. I’m sure you can’t be needing a break yet.”
“Well, I don’t know about that.”
“Stay with him and have fun,” she insisted. “Watch some more Tigger and Piglet. No need to come mope with me.”
“What are best friends for if not to share the joy of moping? Michael can wait, you can’t.”
“Thanks, Maria. But I’m fine, really. I’m just going to go to sleep and let this day be over with.”
“All right.” Liz could tell Maria wasn’t so sure but she wasn’t going to push. “If you change your mind, call me. I mean it.”
“I will. Love you.”
“Love you too.”
After hanging up the phone, Liz glanced around her room and realized Maria was right. Maria was often right about a lot of things, but in particular she was right about living in the past. It wasn’t healthy.
Not, Liz countered to herself, that I’m going to burn my journal. It just probably wouldn’t hurt to pack some other things away.
With a plan in mind, Liz knelt down and looked under her bed for an old shoe box. One in hand, she scanned her room for items to put in it. Traces of Max were everywhere. The most obvious were the pictures. On her headboard rested the strip of silly pictures they had taken on their first official date after the night in the desert. She allowed herself one last look at their smiling faces before she threw the pictures into the box. The same went for the pictures of him that were sitting on her dresser, the ones that used to reside in her Crashdown apron.
The picture she had the hardest time putting away was the one that rested in her desk drawer. The morning after her radio station blind date she had noticed that in one of the pictures on her desk Maria and Alex had morphed into Max. She probably should have thrown it away - it could have been proof of alien funny business after all - but she just couldn’t bear to part with it. The whimsical nature of seeing Max’s smiling faces surrounding her reminded her of how carefree he had been that night. The only other times she had seen him so happy and hopeful had been during their brief time as an official couple. What she wouldn’t give to see him even a fraction like that once more.
After clearing her room of all Max pictures, Liz knew she still wasn’t done. If she was going to clear her space of Max, she might as well make it thorough. Soon the knife she had given him on a silly impulse last Christmas, the last of the perfume that been a gift, even the lace shawl she had used in fantasizing about the future the night her world turned upside down, all of these things made their way into her box.
Setting the box on her desk, Liz looked around her room one last time, to make sure she truly had cleansed her room of every reminder. A breeze coming through her open window caught her curtain, drawing her eye. Next to the window was a bookshelf and on that bookshelf was a small tin. Within that tin sat an old scrape of paper which she had saved for almost a year and a half. Even though it was tucked safely away in the tin, it too had to go. Physical reminders of painfully tempting memories involving the eraser room would only serve to torture her further.
Leaving her new box of memories on her desk, Liz headed over to her bookshelf to get the old note. Walking past her window, something else caught her eye. This time it caused her heart to jump.
Sitting with his back against the wall next to the window, looking out at the night sky, was Max. This was a place she had seen him many times before; he came to her balcony, to her, when he was confused or upset. And here he was again.
Maybe she gasped or maybe he just sensed her staring at him because she saw him stiffen slightly, as if aware of being watched. As he turned toward her and their gazes met, Liz realized this was not like those previous times. Along with the exhaustion and confusion she expected to find in his eyes, there was something else - deep desire. Max wanted her. Desperately.
Losing herself in his enticing eyes Liz realized something else: she wanted him just as desperately.
Watershed
Thought I knew my mind like the back of my hand,
The gold and the rainbow, but nothing panned out as I planned.
And they say only milk and honey's gonna make your soul satisfied!
Well I better learn how to swim
Cause the crossing is chilly and wide.
Twisted guardrail on the highway, broken glass on the cement
A ghost of someone's tragedy
How recklessly my time has been spent.
And they say that it's never too late, but you don't get any younger!
Well I better learn how to starve the emptiness
And feed the hunger
Up on the watershed, standing at the fork in the road
You can stand there and agonize
Till your agony's your heaviest load.
You'll never fly as the crow flies, get used to a country mile.
When you're learning to face the path at your pace
Every choice is worth your while.
Well there's always retrospect to light a clearer path
Every five years or so I look back on my life
And I have a good laugh.
You start at the top, go full circle round
Catch a breeze, take a spill
But ending up where i started again makes me wanna stand still.
Stepping on a crack, breaking up and looking back
Every tree limb overhead just seems to sit and wait.
Until every step you take becomes a twist of fate.
- Indigo Girls
One of Liz’s favorite things about moving up north was the air. The Bostonian air might not have been as clean as the desert air of New Mexico, but in the winter there was just something invigorating about it. Stepping out onto her balcony on a cold day gave her a rush, filled her with a greater sense of being alive. Her skin tingled from the cold, making her feel fresh and clean. Some days she imagined she could taste the promise of snow in the air and it made her smile. Though it might cause chapped lips and extra-rosy cheeks, the winter air had been good to her these past few years.
But now the crisp air was anything but her friend. It set her lungs on fire as she ran, made her sharply aware of the wetness that covered her face. Though the wind power in New York was usually less impressive than Boston’s, today it felt as if somehow she had angered the Greek god Aeolos and he was sending all the winds at his disposal after her. They kept pushing her back, as though they didn’t want her to continue her flight.
Too damn bad, Liz thought as she continued running. She had no choice but to run. She had to get away from Max before she said or did anything that would screw things up even more. For two people who used to be so in sync, they were impressively dissonant. In a matter of minutes they had run the course from delicate openness to jarring anger.
She approached the theater unsure of what she would find. To her ever lasting gratitude, Whitmore had pulled the limo around to the front of the theater. Seeing her approach, still at full speed, he quickly got out of the car with her coat in hand.
“Have you been hurt?” he shouted urgently, running out to meet her.
She shook her head no as she started to slow down. Her feet finally stopped their flight in front of Whitmore, breath labored, nose and eyes red from both the tears and the cold. He absorbed the sight of her as he wrapped her coat around her shoulders.
“You and me, we can go somewhere.” As he spoke so with deep kindness, he reached into his own coat, pulled out a small handkerchief, and gently wiped her tears. “Anywhere this limo can take us. And if you need to go somewhere it can’t, then we’ll take care of that too.”
“Thank you,” she managed to say weakly, “but I just want to go home.”
“To Boston?”
His question threw her. Go to Boston? Oh god, how good that sounded. She managed to resist temptation and shook her head no.
“I meant the hotel. I just want to go there and rest.” And talk to Alex.
Whitmore looked at her closely again, as though he were internally debating whether or not to leave things at that. He must have decided to put his paternal instincts aside because he nodded and guided her to the car door.
On the way from the theater to the hotel, Liz stared out the tinted windows trying to lose herself in the melee of the city. The passing traffic, bustling people, and flashing lights, however, provided little distraction. All she could see were Max’s eyes - before and after she crushed the fragile emotional honesty he had offered. The words they had struck each other with replayed over and over. It wasn’t until Whitmore’s hand gently shook her arm that she realized the limo had stopped and they had arrived at the hotel.
“Are you sure you want to be alone right now?” he asked as he offered his hand to help her out of the car.
Taking his hand, Liz nodded. “Thank you, though.”
After shutting the door behind her, Whitmore offered her a small hug. Liz accepted both it and the feelings of care and compassion he sent out to her. Taking a deep breath, she pulled herself out of the embrace.
“Tell Larek that I’ll see him tomorrow morning and to be ready,” she warned. “I... I lost my cool with Max and we exchanged some heated words. I may have messed things up beyond repair.”
“Don’t worry about that, now,” Whitmore counseled. “Larek is an impressive statesman. Whatever happens tomorrow, he’ll find a way to make things work. You just worry about getting yourself back together.”
“I will,” Liz replied with a small smile of thanks. Waving goodbye, she headed into the hotel. Somehow she knew Alex was already waiting for her. What exactly she was going to say to him, she wasn’t so sure.
Words were, however, not an issue. The moment Liz opened her hotel door and saw Alex leaning against the armchair, she once again burst into tears. A pair of arms quickly encircled her, gently guiding her from the doorway to the couch. She stayed in those arms, letting out all the emotions that were swirling around inside.
“Why, Alex,” she managed after awhile to say through her tears, “why did I have to be so awful?”
Alex didn’t answer, rather continued gently rubbing her back. Taking a few deep breaths, Liz willed herself to lift her head from his chest.
“I screwed up, Alex,” she moaned. “I screwed up so bad.”
"What do you mean, sweetie?" he asked as reached to get a box of tissues on the side table behind him.
"Max. Of course it's Max,” she said with a half-laugh, taking a tissue from the box he held out. “I completely flipped on him. I ruined everything.”
“Liz, you couldn’t have ruined everything in one afternoon.”
Shaking her head, her voice became more accusatory in tone. “I hurt him, Alex. A few days ago I would have told you there was no way I could. But there's no mistaking what happened today."
"Why do you think you hurt him?” he asked softly. “Did you two talk about the picture he carries of you?"
"No. That would have been a much safer topic.” Liz swallowed the familiar urge to be sick. “We talked about Tess."
"How in the universe did that happen?" Alex’s calm exterior was replaced by an expression of shock.
"And for some reason,” Liz continued, too absorbed in the ache of remembering to register his question, “for some reason in that moment he started to open up. I looked into his eyes and for the first time in years, it wasn't like seeing a stranger.”
The memory of those eyes, his vulnerability, the familiar feeling that had threatened to overpower her very being, the whole of what she had cruelly rejected made her wince with the pain of regret.
“Five years, Alex. I've gone five years without him opening up to me and today I shut him down so fast I doubt he'll ever risk it again."
"What did you - no,” he interrupted himself, “I'm sorry. The details are between the two of you."
"We both said some things, but it was all my fault,” Liz offered as explanation to her friend, self-derision still clear in her voice. “I couldn't just ignore his invitation, his emotional exposure. I had to strike at him when he was most vulnerable and where he was most vulnerable. I had to reintroduce what was probably the greatest pain I ever afflicted upon him.”
"You mean your supposed night with Kyle."
"That and the whole "I-want-a-normal-boy” thing.”
"So, all these years and he still doesn't know the truth?"
“Uh, no,” Liz replied slightly startled at Alex’s question. The memories of various reasons why she hadn’t told him mixed with the fresh memories she was currently absorbed in. The mingling only caused more internal confusion. “I went so long wishing I could tell him. I've gone even longer thinking if I ever did tell him it wouldn't matter anymore."
"So he doesn't know anything about that night,” Alex pressed gently, “nothing about his future self or any of it?"
"No. I didn't tell him because...” The self-doubt that had plagued her for years over her decision to remain silent only sharpened the pain inside. “I don't know. At the time I thought I did. I didn’t get a chance to say anything before he left and it just didn’t make sense to bombard him with that information when he finally got back from hunting Tess. I mean, what good is a “hey by the way, she’s supposed to help us stop the apocalypse” once she was dead? I guess I just hoped that Future Max was wrong or something. Or maybe that the big thing Tess needed to do was destroy the Skins army, which she did. I wasn’t exactly the clearest thinker; it’s been hard to know what to do with this information. I haven’t even told Ava; she’s had enough issues to deal with. I’m the only one who knows. Well, Maria knows some of it.”
“And she never told Michael?
“No, we both thought it would only make things worse since he couldn’t do anything about Tess being dead. And you know Maria,” Liz continued feeling slightly lighter thinking about her friend, “she may have a big mouth, but when it counts she’s good.
“Except the time she told her cousin about you both practice applying make-up on me,” Alex agreed with a grin.
“Yeah, except for that.” Liz allowed herself a slight smile at that memory before her internal conflict and confusion overwhelmed her once again. “Maybe I made the wrong decision. It didn’t really feel like much of a decision, though. More like quiescence based in fear. Future Max didn’t seem to know Tess was a traitor, but maybe he did. Maybe he engineered the whole thing to get her to show her true colors early, so the other aliens could do something about it in time. But then why didn’t he just tell me she had gone over to the other side? Or maybe we’re all doomed no matter what we do to try and stop the end of the world. Maybe everything is for nothing.”
“Or maybe you’ve been bearing this burden too long,” he countered as he reached over and placed a comforting hand on her leg. “Liz, I don’t know Future Max’s motives, but if he was anything like the Max we knew, then I doubt he would have developed some elaborate scheme to bring us to this point. He probably had just as much information as you did.”
Liz nodded in acceptance of his words.
“It's just so convoluted. It's too much - questionable information, intergalactic battles, different timelines, dealing with decisions made in different lives. I don't know how Max deals with all of it. Actually, I lied. I do know how he deals. He draws within himself.” Disappointment in herself flared up once again, filling once more her well of anger. “God, I was just yelling at him yesterday for not taking risks, for not reaching out to people. Why did I deliberately hurt him?"
"Why did you?" he returned, forcing the question back.
She sighed, looking toward the hotel window in order to avoid eye contact with Alex. Though she had been asking herself and Alex why, she knew before she even asked the question. She knew, she just didn’t want to deal with the answer.
“Liz,” Alex coaxed softly, drawing her attention and gaze back to him.
Though it made her uneasy, the time had come to stop running from the truth. Trusting in Alex’s goodness and understanding to help her through, she answered him.
"Self-preservation."
"Can you elaborate on that?" he asked gently.
"I'm scared, Alex,” she confessed, her voice cracking slightly as she spoke. “He's hurt me so badly before, betrayed my trust in him. I didn't want to open myself up to that again. He carved my heart into so many pieces that I still haven't fully healed. I don't want to get hurt like that ever again."
"Betrayed? Do you mean Tess?" Though he asked the question innocently enough, Liz knew from both her senses and his look that he was searching for something more, that he knew there was something else behind her words.
"Yes, and no. That wasn’t...” Liz struggled to find the words. “Those aren’t some of my favorite memories to relive. While we weren't officially together, while I even pushed him toward her, I admit it. It did feel like a betrayal.”
A wave of empathy came over her and Liz wondered if Alex felt similarly when Isabel started seeing Grant.
“But,” she continued slowly, the thoughts she was speaking out loud only fully realized as she spoke them, “I think I could have recovered from that, at least enough to risk opening myself up to being a friend. You know, someone who could handle even a little bit of emotional intimacy."
"All right, so what's the thing that's stopping you?” Alex pushed firmly. With the tone and the look in his eye, he was making it clear he wasn’t going to let her escape the conversation this time. While part of her was grateful, another part couldn’t help but attempt to evade once more.
"Um, some other stuff that happened." The words sounded pathetically flat, even to her.
"Stuff that happened?” Alex cocked his brow. “Liz, you've got to stop being evasive. If you ever want to work past whatever it is that brought you to this place, this place where you sob tears of disappointment and burn with anger at yourself, you have got to deal."
"I know,” she lamented softly. “God, I know that Alex. I want to tell you. I do. I want to move on. I want to, but I can’t.
“Why not?”
His simple question was the one she had been struggling with for over four years.
It’s...” She paused as she agonized over how to communicate what had been incommunicable for her for so long. “Is there anything that you’ve seen or experienced that you don’t know where to begin? Don’t know how to find the words to express what any of it was like?”
“Yes,” he replied in a low voice. “My death.”
“Oh, Alex.” Her eyes became misty once more as her own internal pain was quickly replaced by compassion for her friend.
“It was hard, very hard,” he confided quietly, his eyes clouding over as he continued. “I’d start to think about it and I would be filled with this incredible sense of violation. Death can be peaceful, it can be a release, a new beginning. Mine wasn’t peaceful at all, and while it was a new beginning, it wasn’t the best way to start.”
“Alex,” Liz breathed sorrowfully. She had always wondered if he felt any pain, if he knew what was going on, if his death had been at all peaceful. Now she knew.
“Hey, don’t worry about me,” he insisted as he passed her another tissue from the box in his lap. A faint smile crossed his lips and the shadow in his eyes lifted. “I’m in that infamous better place, remember? And I eventually found someone who understood.”
“Someone else died like you did?” she asked in confusion.
“No, but another Guardian, a friend actually,” Alex answered, his smile growing, “shared her story with me. She died from leukemia and the way she talked about her cancer, how it just invaded her body and took over, until she didn’t recognize it as hers anymore. Well, that’s how I felt, except instead of cancer I was diagnosed with a bad case of mindwarping. Once she shared that with me, I found myself able to vocalize what had happened.”
Liz wiped away the few tears that had fallen from her eyes as she took in what Alex had said.
“Hey, better place,” he insisted with a full grin. “I’m serious, don’t spend those tears on me. You’ve been doing enough crying for one day. I’m sure you’ve reached your quota.”
“Yeah, I guess I have,” she smiled back. “I’m kinda emotional, in case you didn’t notice.”
“No I didn’t,” he teased gently.
Liz let herself have a small laugh before she turned back to the issue at hand. “If I could talk about this with anyone, you know it would be you. But I honestly don’t know where to find the words.”
“I don’t want you to tax yourself more than you already have,” Alex offered gently. “Maybe we can talk about this another time, a time when things are less intense.”
Though she appreciated his suggestion, Liz knew she couldn’t let herself take the easy way out again. “If there’s one thing I’ve learned about life with aliens it is that it’s never going to be ‘less intense.’ I want to find a way to deal.”
“Are you sure? I really don’t want to pressure you.”
“Thank you, Alex, but I’m sure,” she insisted. “I need to move on. While I tell Maria I’m fine, I know. I know it’s part of what’s been holding me back in life. And I don’t want it any more.”
“Okay. Okay.” Alex stood up from the couch and began walking around coffee table, head down as though deep in thought.
Liz watched him meditate on whatever was in his head for a couple minutes before she asked, “So, what are you thinking about?”
Alex paused his step and looked up from the ground. He stared at her for a moment, as though trying to assess exactly what to say, before he spoke.
“This may sound weird and I’m telling you up front that I know that.”
“Okay,” she said slowly. “What’s up?”
Walking around the coffee table, he sat down beside her again. “Well, if it’s the words that are getting in your way, I may have a suggestion.”
Oh anything, she thought as she asked “What?”
“Don’t tell me, show me.”
“What?” she exclaimed, startled by his words.
“Um, you know, show me,” he replied tentatively, squirming slightly in uneasiness. “Connect with me. Show me what happened. That way you won’t find yourself unable to speak. You won’t have to.”
Liz was taken aback by his proposition. "I never thought of that before, not even to try with Maria. Can we even do that?"
“Why not?” he countered, his voice stronger with confidence as he spoke. “You’re a human with superpowers and I’m a dead guy with otherworldly powers. I think between the two of us we can manage.”
Now it was Liz’s turn to squirm. She liked the idea, she certainly wouldn’t be burdened by issues of verbalizing. But she was also wary of his suggestion. She wouldn’t be able to edit anything that happened and she didn’t know if that was a control she could give up.
"I, I don't know. You might see something you don't want to," she disclosed truthfully.
"Liz, I don't know what I may see. But whatever it is,” he assured her, “I will be able to handle it. It won't make me uncomfortable. While I know I may look like the same goofy Alex, I'm not. What might have made the teenage boy uneasy won’t faze the Guardian.”
In that moment Liz felt from Alex such an ageless sapience, she knew he would be fine. The question was, would she?
As if reading her mind, Alex added, "If you don't want to relive or reveal anything in such full detail, I understand. We can think of something else. Maybe you can find someone who’s experienced something similar and try to talk with them."
Liz couldn’t help but the smile that curved her lips. His words reminded her exactly why she would be fine even if she did relive one of the most painful nights of her life in full sound and color. "Thank you, but I think, I think I want to do this. Like I said, there’s no one else I’d rather help me through this. I know that, no matter what, my friend, both Alex the teenage boy and Alex the Guardian, is here. And he’ll love me and help me get through the other side."
Pulling her into a warm hug he replied, “Always. Even when you can’t see me, I’m here.”
She squeezed him as tightly as she could, as if she could absorb his warmth into her own heart. Finding strength in his embrace and his love, Liz readied herself for what she was about to do.
“All right,” she began as they turned towards one another fully, the couch being wide enough that they both could sit with their crossed legs touching.
“So, exactly how do we do this?” Alex asked as they settled in.
“Well, I don’t know, exactly. It just sort of happened between Max and me. We were always connected in some way, I think, and in intense moments or, um, intimate moments we would just see things, feel things from the other.”
“Even the first time?”
Liz tried to hold the pain she knew was coming at bay. Alex didn’t know it yet, but this conversation only reminded her of why it was so hard to talk about that night. The memories of the night they first connected sharply contrasted those of the night she was about to dredge up.
“No, that one took a little more effort.”
“Do you feel comfortable trying to do it like that, then?”
She nodded as she reached out and placed her hands on the sides of his face.
“Um, just look into my eyes.”
As Liz concentrated on connecting with Alex, she felt a pull. It was similar to the one she felt with Max, yet distinct. Instead of the burning energy she felt with Max, she felt a more soothing, yet less stimulating, power. The way it called to her was as though she were entering into a deep meditative state. Alex’s face began to fade away from her vision as he and she were pulled into the memory of one of the darkest nights of her life.
“Maria, how old do you have to be to start looking for grey hairs?” Liz stared closely at her dresser mirror, phone pressed against her ear, as she studied the hair around her temple. Was that the light hitting her hair funny or was that actually a grey hair?
“Chica, what are you talking about?” Maria sounded slightly distracted and exasperated. No doubt Michael was doing something to annoy her. “You’re not even 18. I think it’s still a little early to worry about going grey.”
Liz looked closer at the mirror. Maria was right; it was probably just weird lighting. “Ugh. Ignore me. I’m just feeling particularly old today.”
“Maybe we should have gotten a cake to commemorate the occasion or something. One with a bunch of little green aliens coming out of the mothership. There could even be one with spiky hair wearing a Metallica t-shirt and a snarl.”
In the background Liz heard an irritated “Maria” coming from Michael.
“Apparently someone’s not a fan of your cake idea.”
“Well, what can I say. Someone doesn’t have a highly evolved sense of self-deprecating humor.” In a loud whisper, she continued. “Just between you and me, I really think he just doesn’t want to be reminded of a certain hair phase and how obsessed he was with the coif.”
“Maria!” Liz laughed at her friend’s assessment, which was probably pretty on-target. Michael might be an alien warrior with a past life but he sure did take extra-special care of his hair. Maria had once told Liz that even after he had grown it out, he spent more time on fixing his hair than she did.
“Hold on Liz, I’m getting the death glare from Spaceboy.”
Listening to Maria tell Michael that he needed to excuse himself from his own living room so she could have quality talk with her best friend, Liz tried to fight the gnawing envy that had the tendency to appear when she was exposed to the couple, even when they were fighting. Actually, it was when they were fighting that she tended to be the most envious. No matter how hard they fought – and it could be impressive – they managed to come back to each other. If only she had been as lucky in her own love life.
“Sorry babe.” Maria’s voice pulled Liz out of her downward spiral of self-pity. “That boy of mine...”
Liz smiled into the phone. “Yep, that boy of yours. You love every moment of it.”
Maria laughed slightly. “Well, I don’t know about every moment.” She paused. “So talk to me about this feeling old stuff.”
Liz sighed. “I just can’t believe it’s been two years already. Part of me feels like it’s been twenty, part of me feels like it’s been two weeks.”
“So what have you done since dinner?” Liz had gone to Maria’s after school and had left there after being treated to Mrs. DeLuca’s attempt at comfort food, which basically meant lots of different kinds of pie.
“I walked around for a while, just trying to clear my thoughts.”
“And stay away from the Crashdown?” Maria added insightfully.
“Yeah, that too.”
“Okay, so your thoughts are clear. What else did you do?” Maria asked pointedly. “You were fine, well, as fine as you could be when I last saw you. What sent you down this depressed spiral?
“I didn’t really do much,” Liz replied quickly.
“Right, and why don’t I believe that?” Maria challenged. “Stop being evasive. What did you do?”
“Okay, okay,” Liz gave in. Once Maria honed in on something, there was no way you could stop her from getting what she wanted. “I read my journal entry tonight, the one I wrote a few days after, and it really got me. I was just so hopefully, you know?”
“Babe,” Maria groaned. “How many times do I have to tell you to burn that thing?”
“Maria,” Liz cautioned.
“I know, I know, it’s your life, your memories, and all of that. But Liz, it’s masochistic to read it.”
“I just need to remember sometimes,” she explained. “Remember what it felt like, remember that it was good once.”
“Liz,” Maria sighed. “I know you. You don’t need to read that thing to remember being in love with Max Evans. You’re still in love with him. There - I said it. We pretend like it’s not there, but it’s become the gigantic pink heffalump in the room.”
Liz laughed slightly. “Heffalump? Been watching Winnie the Pooh lately?”
“Yeah. I’ve been introducing Michael to the finer points of kids’ cartoons. He didn’t really watch any as a kid. And – hey, don’t deflect.”
“Sorry. No more deflecting.”
“So, do you want to talk about it?”
“Talk about what, exactly?” Liz sighed as she sat down on her bed.
“Talk about the fact that you’re still in love with the guy who brought you back to life two years ago today. The same guy who slept with the evil alien who killed your best friend, who split for months with no contact except that one unsuccessful phone call, who acted like an ass before he left and who has been cut off from everything and everyone, including you, since he got back. That. We could talk about that.”
“Am I so obvious?”
“No,” she offered kindly. “But I’m the best friend, I’m supposed to notice.”
“God, Maria,” Liz groaned. “I’m so pathetic.”
“No, babe, you’re not. You’re a girl who’s been in love and who’s still holding out hope that one day you can get back to that magical place.”
“But why am I holding on? Max hasn’t given me anything to have hope in since he got back and we all remember what happened before he left.”
“The heart doesn’t really obey our rules of logic,” Maria counseled wisely. “It tends to make its own.”
“I wish I could let go. But I don’t think I can,” Liz admitted both to Maria and to herself. She had spent all summer trying to deny it. Actually, she realized with a groan, she had been trying to lie to herself since the day at the rocks over a year ago. It hurt too much to face the awful truth. No matter what happened, she was always going to love Max Evans. Everyone else really would be second best.
“Am I going to be this miserable and lonely the rest of my life?”
“Absolutely not,” Maria insisted firmly. “One way or another, something will change. Either you and Max will find a way back to each other or you’ll get fed up and move on. It’ll happen Liz. You just may have to suffer in limbo until it does.”
“Limbo sucks,” she muttered disdainfully.
“Preach it, sister,” Maria laughed gently into the phone. “Want me to come over and keep you company? Limbo sucks but it can be more entertaining with a fabulous best friend and a pint of sinfully delicious ice cream.”
“Ice cream after all that pie?” Liz teased affectionately, Maria’s humor bringing out her own. “Thanks, Maria, but no. I know how much you’ve been needing your Michael time. You haven’t had him back but a few weeks. I’m sure you can’t be needing a break yet.”
“Well, I don’t know about that.”
“Stay with him and have fun,” she insisted. “Watch some more Tigger and Piglet. No need to come mope with me.”
“What are best friends for if not to share the joy of moping? Michael can wait, you can’t.”
“Thanks, Maria. But I’m fine, really. I’m just going to go to sleep and let this day be over with.”
“All right.” Liz could tell Maria wasn’t so sure but she wasn’t going to push. “If you change your mind, call me. I mean it.”
“I will. Love you.”
“Love you too.”
After hanging up the phone, Liz glanced around her room and realized Maria was right. Maria was often right about a lot of things, but in particular she was right about living in the past. It wasn’t healthy.
Not, Liz countered to herself, that I’m going to burn my journal. It just probably wouldn’t hurt to pack some other things away.
With a plan in mind, Liz knelt down and looked under her bed for an old shoe box. One in hand, she scanned her room for items to put in it. Traces of Max were everywhere. The most obvious were the pictures. On her headboard rested the strip of silly pictures they had taken on their first official date after the night in the desert. She allowed herself one last look at their smiling faces before she threw the pictures into the box. The same went for the pictures of him that were sitting on her dresser, the ones that used to reside in her Crashdown apron.
The picture she had the hardest time putting away was the one that rested in her desk drawer. The morning after her radio station blind date she had noticed that in one of the pictures on her desk Maria and Alex had morphed into Max. She probably should have thrown it away - it could have been proof of alien funny business after all - but she just couldn’t bear to part with it. The whimsical nature of seeing Max’s smiling faces surrounding her reminded her of how carefree he had been that night. The only other times she had seen him so happy and hopeful had been during their brief time as an official couple. What she wouldn’t give to see him even a fraction like that once more.
After clearing her room of all Max pictures, Liz knew she still wasn’t done. If she was going to clear her space of Max, she might as well make it thorough. Soon the knife she had given him on a silly impulse last Christmas, the last of the perfume that been a gift, even the lace shawl she had used in fantasizing about the future the night her world turned upside down, all of these things made their way into her box.
Setting the box on her desk, Liz looked around her room one last time, to make sure she truly had cleansed her room of every reminder. A breeze coming through her open window caught her curtain, drawing her eye. Next to the window was a bookshelf and on that bookshelf was a small tin. Within that tin sat an old scrape of paper which she had saved for almost a year and a half. Even though it was tucked safely away in the tin, it too had to go. Physical reminders of painfully tempting memories involving the eraser room would only serve to torture her further.
Leaving her new box of memories on her desk, Liz headed over to her bookshelf to get the old note. Walking past her window, something else caught her eye. This time it caused her heart to jump.
Sitting with his back against the wall next to the window, looking out at the night sky, was Max. This was a place she had seen him many times before; he came to her balcony, to her, when he was confused or upset. And here he was again.
Maybe she gasped or maybe he just sensed her staring at him because she saw him stiffen slightly, as if aware of being watched. As he turned toward her and their gazes met, Liz realized this was not like those previous times. Along with the exhaustion and confusion she expected to find in his eyes, there was something else - deep desire. Max wanted her. Desperately.
Losing herself in his enticing eyes Liz realized something else: she wanted him just as desperately.
Last edited by Doublestuf on Tue Sep 06, 2005 4:13 pm, edited 2 times in total.
A better world has got to start somewhere. Why not with you and me?
-
Doublestuf
- Enthusiastic Roswellian
- Posts: 56
- Joined: Tue Oct 09, 2001 4:58 pm
Part 12
Part 12
Lover, You Should Have Come Over
Looking out the door I see the rain fall upon the funeral mourners
Parading in a wake of sad relations as their shoes fill up with water
And maybe I'm too young to keep good love from going wrong
But tonight you're on my mind so you never know
When I’m broken down and hungry for your love with no way to feed it
Where are you tonight, child you know how much I need it
Too young to hold on and too old to just break free and run
Sometimes a man gets carried away, when he feels like he should be having his fun
And much too blind to see the damage he's done
Sometimes a man must awake to find that really, he has no-one
So I'll wait for you... and I'll burn
Will I ever see your sweet return
Oh will I ever learn
Oh lover, you should've come over
'Cause it's not too late
Lonely is the room, the bed is made, the open window lets the rain in
Burning in the corner is the only one who dreams he had you with him
My body turns and yearns for a sleep that will never come
It's never over, my kingdom for a kiss upon her shoulder
It's never over, all my riches for her smiles when I slept so soft against her
It's never over, all my blood for the sweetness of her laughter
It's never over, she's the tear that hangs inside my soul forever
Well maybe I'm just too young
To keep good love from going wrong
Oh... lover, you should've come over
'Cause it's not too late
Well I feel too young to hold on
And I'm much too old to break free and run
Too deaf, dumb, and blind to see the damage I've done
Sweet lover, you should've come over
Oh, love well I'm waiting for you
Lover, you should've come over
'Cause it's not too late
- Jeff Buckley
All reason and logic told Liz that she shouldn’t accept the invitation in Max’s carnal gaze. Things hadn’t been all right between them for the greater part of a year, he was obviously struggling with some major issues she didn’t know if she wanted to get involved with, and her last confrontation with Tess still haunted her. The Max who was currently looking at her as though he wanted to consume her entire being was not the Max she had dated - he was so much colder and withdrawn than her Max had ever been.
And yet...
As his eyes moved from her own to her lips, her breath caught in her throat and a warmth spread throughout her body. Thanks to her encounter with Future Max, she lived with the knowledge that in some other timeline, she had known the fulfillment of the promises that were held in his kisses. Some other Liz knew what it was like to fully claim and be fully claimed by Max.
During the lonely nights, those thoughts were pure torture.
She should tell him to leave. Tell him her parents wouldn’t like it if they found out he came by while they were gone. Tell him that she didn’t have time to deal with his gross emotional issues. Tell him that he should know that today of all days, seeing him when they weren’t together was perhaps more painful than the five months he had been away. She should do all of those things.
But she didn’t. Instead of staying strong, of being “Teflon” as Maria would say, she found herself drowning in those eyes. Those damn eyes. They called out to her – he called out to her. And she couldn’t turn away.
So instead of telling him no, Liz did something that she would later regret with all her heart. She invited him in.
“It’s a bit cool outside, Max. Why don’t you come in where it’s warm?”
The longing that was in his eyes instantly turned to something more predatory. In one quick movement, he entered through her window and claimed her mouth in a kiss.
She reveled in the sensations he was causing within her. His mouth nipping at hers, his tongue teasing her lips, his fingers threading in her hair, caressing her head and the back of her neck. A small ache growing from deep within.
All voices of reason were banished. Nothing was going to stand between them tonight.
With a primal moan, he deepened the kiss. His tongue caressed hers, alternating between coaxing and claiming. Whatever he wanted she eagerly gave. Her arms wrapped around his strong shoulders as he moved his hands from her hair to her hips, lifting her so her legs wrapped around his waist. The warmth of his body, pressed hard in between her thighs, filled her with a wet, hot need.
His mouth continued devouring hers, even as he carried her over to her bed and laid them both down. The slight bounce as they hit the bed caused Liz to giggle softly, nervously, into Max’s mouth, breaking their continuous kiss. He pulled slightly away from her, looking from the mouth he had just been ravishing down the length of her pajama clad body. When his eyes traveled back up to hers, the look in them banished all amusement, nervous or not.
Her breath quickened as he sat back between her legs and began placing soft kisses on the exposed skin of her lower stomach. Her spaghetti-strap shirt kept moving further and further up her body as he continued his kisses. Emboldened by their shared passion, she ended her shirt’s slow journey, pulling it over her head and tossing it onto the floor.
Max growled his appreciation.
Further encouraged by his reaction and by her desire to feel his skin against hers, Liz tugged at the bottom of his shirt. Max lifted his arms, helping her free him from his clothing, giving her what she wanted.
Liz demonstrated her own appreciation by running her hands over his bare skin, enjoying the feel of him. The last time she had seen him like this she hadn’t been able to appreciate the beauty of his body. She took her time stroking the lines of his muscles with the tips of her fingers, savoring the way they contracted slightly at her touch.
Liz could tell from his breathing that Max was beginning to lose the battle over his control so it was no surprise when he captured the hands that were sending him over the edge. He took those hands and wrapped her arms around his neck as he leaned them both back into the bed.
Small, soft kisses were pressed against her mouth and then her neck. He slid the tip of tongue across her collar bone, continuing his path down. He paused just above her left breast.
“Max,” she groaned with a slight impatience. He answered her by running his tongue on the underside of her breast. She groaned again, this time in pure pleasure.
When he finally reached the area that had been craving his attention, he continued to tease her by flicking his tongue quickly across her nipple.
“Please,” she moaned softly as she glanced down to the man at her breast and saw he was looking up at her. Was it possible for eyes to burn? His set her on fire. Max held her gaze for as long as he could as he lowered his head, his mouth finally connecting with her nipple.
Liz watched him as he slowly consumed her nipple, engulfing it in the warm, wet chamber of his mouth. As his mouth continued to suckle her, she reached down and threaded her hands through his hair. Her breath came in short pants and her hips pressed her pelvis into his. She loved this feeling but it wasn’t enough - she wanted more. With what little energy she could muster she lifted his head from her breast.
Confusion and disappointment clouded his eyes. Her lips curved in a slight smile as she moved his head to her other breast. With his own smile of understanding, Max followed her lead and gave her what she wanted.
As he began devouring this new breast, he brought his hand to the one he had left, rubbing the nipple that missed his warm mouth. The pressure of his mouth and the caressing of his hand overwhelmed her and she closed her eyes, trying to block out all her senses other than the one he was stimulating.
In the midst of that pleasure she registered that his other hand was moving down her stomach, stopping just below her navel where the naked skin ended and her pajama pants began.
Her breasts felt suddenly cool. She opened her eyes to see he had stopped his caressing and had focused his attention on the material that was in his way. His hands slowly peeled her pants down, pausing momentarily as he noticed there was no layer beneath them. He lifted his eyes to hers and grinned voraciously. Filled with an even more urgent need to feel his body against hers, she wriggled her hips and legs, speeding up his deliberative process.
Liz had always assumed the first time she was completely naked in front of a man she would be filled with embarrassment or unease. She had been wrong. Free of her clothing she found herself free of any reserve. Placing her hands on his shoulders she guided him down next to her on the bed. Once he was where she wanted him, she covered his body with her own. Sitting astride this man, covered by nothing but her long hair, Liz felt a powerful confidence like none she had ever known.
Lady Godiva certainly had something right, she thought, though give her this beautiful man over a horse any day.
Max appeared as appreciative of her confidence as she was. His face was full of awe and between her legs, well, there was no doubting the pleasure he felt in the sight of her.
His ear was her first target. She licked, she sucked, she nipped, she relished the small moans coming from him. Not content to limit herself to one area, she made her way from his ear, down his neck, and to his chest. She placed small kisses down his torso, from his upper chest, to his abdomen. She paused for a moment when her mouth came to his navel. This was as far as she had ever gone with him or any other man.
Tonight, however, was clearly not about the past and she would not let herself be trapped by her former reservation and uncertainty. With that conviction in mind, she continued her trail of kisses until her mouth reached the top of his belt buckle. Pulling herself up from his body, she went to work on undoing the barrier to what she wanted.
As she undid his belt and unbuttoned his pants, Liz found her confidence and courage waning slightly. She couldn’t quite bring herself to look him in the eye and as she moved his pants down his hips, she left his boxers in place.
For now.
She pulled his shoes off his feet, followed by his pants, and looked back at what lay before her.
The sight of him was breathtaking and made her ache in all the right places. The soft light of her bedroom gave his skin a healthy glow that was only enhanced by their passion. His gaze surely matched her own, glazed in desire and filled with yearning.
Slowly she ran her hands up his bared legs, not being able to resist the draw of the area she had left clothed. Her hand gently grazed over the evidence of his arousal. Hearing his sharp intake of breath, she stroked him again through his boxers.
As she familiarized herself with the feel of him through the safety of his clothes, one of her hands rebelled against her shyness. It crept to the waistband, daring her to complete the unwrapping of this tempting present she had been given.
Two firm hands suddenly grasped her shoulders and pulled her up along his body. As Max’s mouth claimed hers in another hot kiss, he flipped their bodies so he was now the one on top of her.
He softly broke their kiss, giving them both a chance to breathe and her a chance to look once more into his eyes. They made her want to weep for joy for within them she saw wonder and reverence, expressions of adoration she had begun to lose hope in ever seeing again.
“I love you,” Liz breathed softly as he went in for another kiss.
Max’s mouth stopped only a breath away from her own.
For a brief moment her heart contracted and she worried that she shouldn’t have told him like this, in the heat of the moment. Maybe he didn’t believe her. Maybe he thought she was just saying what she thought he wanted to hear.
Her fears were calmed as Max brushed his mouth softly against hers. While he didn’t say the words back, the way his mouth tenderly worshiped hers let her know at the very least that he believed her. His next action let her know even more.
A hand that had been entangled in her hair moved its way down her body, stopping between her legs. She parted her thighs, welcoming the heat of his palm that gently cupped her.
As he continued nuzzling her mouth with his, his fingers began to tentatively explore her. At first it felt nice, odd, but nice. Once his fingers found her center of nerves, however, “nice” became a completely inadequate expression. Something began to build within her as he stroked, rubbed, even lightly pinched her. Through her gasps and moans, she let them both know his light caresses were appreciated and his bolder ones even more so.
She was consumed by sensation. She felt warm, hot, burning. The ache between her legs only grew, yet it had been transformed. Instead of unfulfillment, she felt only rapturous satisfaction.
And when she reached out to him through their connection she felt...
She felt...
Nothing.
She felt nothing.
Not only did she feel nothing through their connection, she realized with limited clarity in the passion-induced haze that she hadn’t seen anything either. Given the intense intimacy between them right now, she should be getting at least a flash or two.
Something was wrong.
“Max,” she spoke softly into his mouth. “Max, wait.”
He continued sending her to the brink with his fingers. She gasped and began to lose herself in his caress only to be reminded near the point of completion that this embrace was not complete. That no matter the pleasure, it was missing something vital.
“No, wait,” she repeated more firmly as she found the strength to pull her body slightly away from his touch. Her voice and action was enough to get his notice this time. He paused his hand and held his breath, waiting for her next words.
“Something’s not right.”
Looking down at her with sudden self-consciousness, Max quickly pulled his hand away.
“No, no,” she rushed to assure him, brushing her own hand through his hair, “that was, um, that was more than right. I’m talking about the flashes.”
The expression on Max’s face transformed from one of extreme unease to one devoid of any emotion. The eyes that once possessed hers avoided making contact. Once in command of a blank face, Max lifted himself off her body and swung his legs over the side of his bed, turning his back completely to her.
Liz raised herself to place a soft kiss on the top of his shoulder. She felt his muscles tense against her lips. Worried, she placed her hand lightly on his arm as a gesture of comfort. He jerked slightly away.
Suddenly very cold, she lifted the crumpled bedspread to cover her exposed body.
“Max,” she began in a hushed tone, “what’s going on?”
A shudder passed through his frame but he made no response.
“Are you okay?” She was growing more concerned with every passing second.
After a quiet beat he stood up from her bed, walking a few steps away from both it and her. She saw him take a deep breath before he answered in a low voice, “I was until you put on the brakes.”
It wasn’t until after she heard him speak that she realized those were the first words he had spoken all evening.
“I - I know,” she stammered as she tried to understand the coldness in his voice, why he kept pulling away from her. “I’m sorry. I just, I can’t feel you, see you. We didn’t connect.”
“I thought we were connecting just fine.”
“No,” she qualified, trying to ignore the sharp pinch in her chest, “I mean, through the alien stuff.”
“What?” he condescended as he turned around to face her, the same blank expression glued on his face. “So you weren’t getting a home movie from me while I fingered you? That was the problem?”
“What?” It was the only word that came to mind as she dealt equally with the disgust and the confusion created by his words.
“Look,” he sighed as he moved to pick up his shirt that lay by her bed, “I’m sorry if you were expecting some extra lights or something crazy because you were doing an alien, but I’m not here to put on a show.”
“What are you doing, Max?” she pressed as she tried to ignore the chill coursing through her body. “What is this?”
“What is this?” he returned flatly. “It’s sex, Liz.”
“Sex?” She could barely say the word. “That’s why you came over here?”
“Well,” he shrugged lightly as he walked to the end of her bed where his pants were, “I heard Sean split town and with Valenti on an overnight with the football team, I thought you could use a little company.”
“You thought... Oh my god.” Reality hit her hard. She had been about to make love; he had been about to fuck.
“How is this a problem? Your special friends are gone and I killed my last lay so I thought we could help each other out.”
A strange noise followed his comment and Liz knew it must have come from her. How she made any noise at all, she was unsure. Her throat was constricted so tight one would think no sound would be able to make it through.
“Oh, right,” he continued with an ease that made her stomach churn, “Tess. Fucked her good and not-so-proper. But don’t worry, I don’t kill all the girls I sleep with. Just the evil ones.”
“Oh my god,” she mouthed as she tried to hold back the nausea that threatened to overwhelm.
“What’s wrong with you, Liz? You’re acting like a friggin’ prude, which we both know isn’t the case.”
Whether it was mild condescension in his voice or the inadvertent reminder of all she had done for this man, something inside Liz snapped. Her anguish over his cold demeanor and cruel words transformed into anger.
“You don’t know anything,” she rejoined sharply.
He cocked a brow. “Your moans told me differently.”
“Bastard,” she spit as she resisted the urge to chuck the nearest heavy object at his head.
Max leaned against her window frame, sighing with mild annoyance, as he finished putting on his shoes. “I should have realized a human wouldn’t be able to handle this.”
“A human?” she echoed, choking on the word.
“I just didn’t realize a little species slumming would get so complicated,” he muttered, almost to himself.
Shaking her head in disbelief, his words too horrific to fully compute, she tried once more to understand what he was doing and why he was doing it. “How could you do this Max? Tonight of all nights?”
“What do you mean?” he asked, a mild confusion crossing his all-too-calm face.
Liz could tell he was serious; he honestly didn’t remember what today was. In that moment all the love she felt for him darkened into hate.
“Look, I thought you wanted a little fun too and –”
“Get out,” she commanded, her voice low and exact. “Get the fuck out and don’t ever come near me again.”
“Not an issue,” he replied flatly before he climbed out her window and out of her sight.
As the world of her bedroom faded away, Liz realized she was yet again crying in Alex’s arms. This time the tears weren’t wrenching. They were soft, silent, shed in lamentation over her innocence. Not her physical innocence, she had managed to retain that. It was the last of her emotional innocence that had been taken that night.
She had missed it ever since.
Alex’s hand gently wiped her cheeks as she let herself release the emotions she had been holding back for years. A shudder wracked her body and Alex’s arms tightened around her.
When she finally developed the desire to speak, she stayed within those arms, her face pressed against his chest.
“He never did come near me again,” she said breaking the silence with her small voice. “He never even came back to school. Michael mentioned he got his GED to get his parents off his back.”
“Did you ever see him?”
“Roswell’s not that big and with Michael in Maria’s life, it happened.” And every time it did she wanted to cry, to hurt him, to run away as fast as she possibly could. Funny, it wasn’t until this afternoon that she did any of them. “The first time was a couple weeks after. All I was aware of was the utter absence of feeling, and this was before I developed my powers. His reaction a couple days ago was literally the first emotion coming from him I’ve experienced in years.”
“Liz, I’m so, so sorry,” Alex professed, his own tears thickening his voice. “Sorry I wasn’t there for you, sorry I couldn’t hold you then like I am now.”
“But you are,” she assured him warmly, “here for me and holding me now and for that I’m so grateful.”
His arms squeezed her tightly, letting them both find the comfort they needed within the embrace. Many times she had wished for these arms to hold her, to help her feel strong again. She hadn’t thought about them, though, how they wished to hold her just as much as she wanted to be held. It was within these arms that longed to comfort that she found the will to address all the feelings she had been bottling up.
“I never...” Liz began softly, hesitantly, “never felt so vulnerable as in that moment. I gave up all my logic, all my control, all my everything.”
“And you were burned.”
“Scorched. You were right when you called me out on not going back to Roswell. While I love Harvard, that was part of its appeal. It was thousands of miles away from this well of nothingness that replaced a vibrant and caring young man.”
“And now he’s back in your life.”
“And now every time I look at him...”Snapshots of amber eyes fluttered before her. Lifting her head from Alex’s chest, Liz tried to lose the image of Max’s cold eyes in the green of Alex’s. “Every time our eyes meet, I see him as he was that night. I see both the wonder and the withdrawal. When I look at him, I see the man I loved and the man who made me hate. And then today...”
“And then today,” Alex prompted gently.
“Today all I saw was the wonder and it terrified me.”
“Because you’re afraid it might change again?”
She nodded. “I’m afraid if I let myself believe in that wonder, if I let myself dare to dream or to hope, I’m afraid if I let him in even just a little, I’ll be hurt just like I was that night.” Her voice cracked slightly as she continued. “And I don’t know if I could survive it twice.”
“Oh my friend,” he empathized softly as he reached to brush a stray hair out of her face.
“All I want, Alex,” she sighed, “is to finally be at peace. I don’t want to look at Max anymore or even think about him with all this confusion. I just want peace.”
“And here you are, working for peace in a way that just brings you more turmoil.”
“Life has that way of being painfully funny.”
Alex’s lips curved in a slight smile. “Take it from me, the humor doesn’t stop once you’re dead.”
Liz offered him her own smile back. “You know, you’re right. I’ve sat here and complained about being brought back into the alien fold even after moving over a thousand miles away. You went and died and yet you still got brought back.”
He laughed. “Maria would just love that. The black hole that is the alien abyss is so powerful it can suck things in beyond the grave.”
“Well I, for one, am grateful for that black hole. It brought you back to me.”
“And I’m glad to be brought back, to help in whatever small way I can.” His last words were spoken with a tint of frustration, as though he perhaps thought his help really didn’t amount to much. She rushed to assure him that it was just the opposite.
“Oh, you have helped, Alex, and not in a small way. I feel different somehow.” And she did. Alex always had that effect on her, even before this whole Guardian gig. Just talking to him could help her straighten out both her head and heart. Not being able to have his counsel had been part of the multi-faceted blow that came when she kept the truth about Max and the others away from him. “I mean, just in these past few minutes, I feel, I don’t know, freer maybe.”
“Freer is good.” Whatever small shadow in his voice had been chased away.
“It’s very good,” she affirmed and then paused. He wanted to help, he had said, and she wanted help that maybe only he could give. The only problem was, how did she ask what she wanted without invalidating what she just said?
Alex assessed her as she mused. He wiggled his brows at her in his teasing way before finally giving her the command she needed to hear.
“Just say it Liz.”
“What else can you do? I’m sorry, I don’t want to appear completely ungrateful, but I was wondering if you could answer some questions I’ve had, maybe give me some insight.”
“What kind of questions?”
Instead of whipping out a bullet point list of her questions as she had done on a few past occasions, Liz blurted them out in a word-vomit moment Maria would be impressed by. “What happened to Max? What made him change like that? Was it me, was it Tess, was it something else? And what’s going on with him now? What does he really want, what does he think? And what do I do with him?”
“Wow, those are some good questions. Been holding onto them for awhile?” Alex’s eyes brightened with his continued teasing.
“Maybe just a little bit,” she replied, her cheeks heating in a light blush.
“I wish I could answer them for you,” he replied, the teasing gone from his voice. “I don’t know what happened to Max, that wasn’t a part of my brief update. We’re not given access to information that’s not for the specific Embodied Being we’re working with. As far as what you should do, I wish for all my wisdom, all my connection with the greater realities, that I knew. I can’t answer your questions but I can promise to be here with you and maybe the two of us can figure out something together”
“Thank you for that.” Liz’s lips curved in a smirk as a thought came to her. “You know, you’d think with all these extra abilities that between the two of us, we could figure it all out. I’d much rather have the ability to know the best course of action in any situation than the one to blow any lamp up when I’m upset. Much more practical and potentially less dangerous.”
Rather than laughing at her comment, Alex turned introspective. “I guess even as advanced as we are, we’re still human.”
“I guess we are.” Her mind wandered back to Max’s comment about humans. That was another question. When did humanity become something that was beneath him?
“Which, my friend,” Alex continued in a lighter tone, “is not at all a bad thing. Of all the Embodied Beings, I’m partial to them myself.”
“Is that right?” A light smile crossed her face.
“Oh yeah,” he replied, his eyebrows raising for emphasis. “I mean, humans are the only ones who’ve developed the perfect orange soda, or so I hear.”
Liz couldn’t help but grin at the image of a disheveled Alex putting back his drink of choice at the Crashdown counter.
“And humans,” he continued, his amused tone replaced with a pointedness that did not go unnoticed, “for all their flaws, have this amazing capacity to love, even when that loves threatens their self-preservation.”
“And this is a good thing?” she asked incredulously.
“I think so, yes,” he replied with the wise voice to which she had grown accustom. “Not a painless thing, obviously, but a good one.”
“I wish we could do that,” she mused, “make it painless.”
“If wishes were horses...”
“I’d need a stable,” she jested lightly.
“Well, since I can’t make it painless, what can I do? If it’s within my ability, I’ll do whatever you ask. Even if that includes bringing Alexandra back from her long sabbatical.”
“As much as I love Allie,” Liz grinned as the memories of years watching Alex good-naturedly don a female persona purely for the amusement of she and Maria warmed her heart, “could you just tell me a funny story? I really miss Alex stories.”
Alex’s eyes lit up at her request “That I can definitely do.”
He stood up from the couch, a necessity in any Alex story as limbs might soon be flailing, and gave her a huge grin. “Did I ever tell you about the time my cousin and I decided my mother’s van was the Millennium Falcon and we need to get it back to Han Solo?
Only a couple times a year since they became friends in 5th grade. His mother had occasionally told it too, though she always seemed less amused with her seven year old son driving her new car through downtown Roswell on this important mission.
“The Millennium Falcon, huh?” she asked to encourage him. Though she had heard this story many times before, it had been years and it had always been one of her favorites.
“Well, when I was seven years old I realized with brilliant clarity that the van my mother had just bought was really Han Solo’s ship, which he of course transformed so as to hide it in plain view.”
“Of course,” she smiled.
“I also realized that he was now stuck here in Roswell because my mother had his ship. I, being a good Jedi, could not let him stay stuck. Something had to be done.”
Laughter filled the hotel suite as Alex continued his story, a story that seemed to have increased in dramatic and comedic flair since the last time she heard it. Liz found herself feeling lighter as Alex narrated his ill-advised adventure. She didn’t know if it was the story or if it was the progressing freedom from angst, a freedom that came from sharing her burden with Alex. Maybe it was both.
Whatever the reason, Liz took a moment to silently thank whomever or whatever sent Alex. Without his help she would have remained consumed by the heartbreaks from the past and with his help... well, there were no guarantees about what the future would bring, but for once she had hope.
Lover, You Should Have Come Over
Looking out the door I see the rain fall upon the funeral mourners
Parading in a wake of sad relations as their shoes fill up with water
And maybe I'm too young to keep good love from going wrong
But tonight you're on my mind so you never know
When I’m broken down and hungry for your love with no way to feed it
Where are you tonight, child you know how much I need it
Too young to hold on and too old to just break free and run
Sometimes a man gets carried away, when he feels like he should be having his fun
And much too blind to see the damage he's done
Sometimes a man must awake to find that really, he has no-one
So I'll wait for you... and I'll burn
Will I ever see your sweet return
Oh will I ever learn
Oh lover, you should've come over
'Cause it's not too late
Lonely is the room, the bed is made, the open window lets the rain in
Burning in the corner is the only one who dreams he had you with him
My body turns and yearns for a sleep that will never come
It's never over, my kingdom for a kiss upon her shoulder
It's never over, all my riches for her smiles when I slept so soft against her
It's never over, all my blood for the sweetness of her laughter
It's never over, she's the tear that hangs inside my soul forever
Well maybe I'm just too young
To keep good love from going wrong
Oh... lover, you should've come over
'Cause it's not too late
Well I feel too young to hold on
And I'm much too old to break free and run
Too deaf, dumb, and blind to see the damage I've done
Sweet lover, you should've come over
Oh, love well I'm waiting for you
Lover, you should've come over
'Cause it's not too late
- Jeff Buckley
All reason and logic told Liz that she shouldn’t accept the invitation in Max’s carnal gaze. Things hadn’t been all right between them for the greater part of a year, he was obviously struggling with some major issues she didn’t know if she wanted to get involved with, and her last confrontation with Tess still haunted her. The Max who was currently looking at her as though he wanted to consume her entire being was not the Max she had dated - he was so much colder and withdrawn than her Max had ever been.
And yet...
As his eyes moved from her own to her lips, her breath caught in her throat and a warmth spread throughout her body. Thanks to her encounter with Future Max, she lived with the knowledge that in some other timeline, she had known the fulfillment of the promises that were held in his kisses. Some other Liz knew what it was like to fully claim and be fully claimed by Max.
During the lonely nights, those thoughts were pure torture.
She should tell him to leave. Tell him her parents wouldn’t like it if they found out he came by while they were gone. Tell him that she didn’t have time to deal with his gross emotional issues. Tell him that he should know that today of all days, seeing him when they weren’t together was perhaps more painful than the five months he had been away. She should do all of those things.
But she didn’t. Instead of staying strong, of being “Teflon” as Maria would say, she found herself drowning in those eyes. Those damn eyes. They called out to her – he called out to her. And she couldn’t turn away.
So instead of telling him no, Liz did something that she would later regret with all her heart. She invited him in.
“It’s a bit cool outside, Max. Why don’t you come in where it’s warm?”
The longing that was in his eyes instantly turned to something more predatory. In one quick movement, he entered through her window and claimed her mouth in a kiss.
She reveled in the sensations he was causing within her. His mouth nipping at hers, his tongue teasing her lips, his fingers threading in her hair, caressing her head and the back of her neck. A small ache growing from deep within.
All voices of reason were banished. Nothing was going to stand between them tonight.
With a primal moan, he deepened the kiss. His tongue caressed hers, alternating between coaxing and claiming. Whatever he wanted she eagerly gave. Her arms wrapped around his strong shoulders as he moved his hands from her hair to her hips, lifting her so her legs wrapped around his waist. The warmth of his body, pressed hard in between her thighs, filled her with a wet, hot need.
His mouth continued devouring hers, even as he carried her over to her bed and laid them both down. The slight bounce as they hit the bed caused Liz to giggle softly, nervously, into Max’s mouth, breaking their continuous kiss. He pulled slightly away from her, looking from the mouth he had just been ravishing down the length of her pajama clad body. When his eyes traveled back up to hers, the look in them banished all amusement, nervous or not.
Her breath quickened as he sat back between her legs and began placing soft kisses on the exposed skin of her lower stomach. Her spaghetti-strap shirt kept moving further and further up her body as he continued his kisses. Emboldened by their shared passion, she ended her shirt’s slow journey, pulling it over her head and tossing it onto the floor.
Max growled his appreciation.
Further encouraged by his reaction and by her desire to feel his skin against hers, Liz tugged at the bottom of his shirt. Max lifted his arms, helping her free him from his clothing, giving her what she wanted.
Liz demonstrated her own appreciation by running her hands over his bare skin, enjoying the feel of him. The last time she had seen him like this she hadn’t been able to appreciate the beauty of his body. She took her time stroking the lines of his muscles with the tips of her fingers, savoring the way they contracted slightly at her touch.
Liz could tell from his breathing that Max was beginning to lose the battle over his control so it was no surprise when he captured the hands that were sending him over the edge. He took those hands and wrapped her arms around his neck as he leaned them both back into the bed.
Small, soft kisses were pressed against her mouth and then her neck. He slid the tip of tongue across her collar bone, continuing his path down. He paused just above her left breast.
“Max,” she groaned with a slight impatience. He answered her by running his tongue on the underside of her breast. She groaned again, this time in pure pleasure.
When he finally reached the area that had been craving his attention, he continued to tease her by flicking his tongue quickly across her nipple.
“Please,” she moaned softly as she glanced down to the man at her breast and saw he was looking up at her. Was it possible for eyes to burn? His set her on fire. Max held her gaze for as long as he could as he lowered his head, his mouth finally connecting with her nipple.
Liz watched him as he slowly consumed her nipple, engulfing it in the warm, wet chamber of his mouth. As his mouth continued to suckle her, she reached down and threaded her hands through his hair. Her breath came in short pants and her hips pressed her pelvis into his. She loved this feeling but it wasn’t enough - she wanted more. With what little energy she could muster she lifted his head from her breast.
Confusion and disappointment clouded his eyes. Her lips curved in a slight smile as she moved his head to her other breast. With his own smile of understanding, Max followed her lead and gave her what she wanted.
As he began devouring this new breast, he brought his hand to the one he had left, rubbing the nipple that missed his warm mouth. The pressure of his mouth and the caressing of his hand overwhelmed her and she closed her eyes, trying to block out all her senses other than the one he was stimulating.
In the midst of that pleasure she registered that his other hand was moving down her stomach, stopping just below her navel where the naked skin ended and her pajama pants began.
Her breasts felt suddenly cool. She opened her eyes to see he had stopped his caressing and had focused his attention on the material that was in his way. His hands slowly peeled her pants down, pausing momentarily as he noticed there was no layer beneath them. He lifted his eyes to hers and grinned voraciously. Filled with an even more urgent need to feel his body against hers, she wriggled her hips and legs, speeding up his deliberative process.
Liz had always assumed the first time she was completely naked in front of a man she would be filled with embarrassment or unease. She had been wrong. Free of her clothing she found herself free of any reserve. Placing her hands on his shoulders she guided him down next to her on the bed. Once he was where she wanted him, she covered his body with her own. Sitting astride this man, covered by nothing but her long hair, Liz felt a powerful confidence like none she had ever known.
Lady Godiva certainly had something right, she thought, though give her this beautiful man over a horse any day.
Max appeared as appreciative of her confidence as she was. His face was full of awe and between her legs, well, there was no doubting the pleasure he felt in the sight of her.
His ear was her first target. She licked, she sucked, she nipped, she relished the small moans coming from him. Not content to limit herself to one area, she made her way from his ear, down his neck, and to his chest. She placed small kisses down his torso, from his upper chest, to his abdomen. She paused for a moment when her mouth came to his navel. This was as far as she had ever gone with him or any other man.
Tonight, however, was clearly not about the past and she would not let herself be trapped by her former reservation and uncertainty. With that conviction in mind, she continued her trail of kisses until her mouth reached the top of his belt buckle. Pulling herself up from his body, she went to work on undoing the barrier to what she wanted.
As she undid his belt and unbuttoned his pants, Liz found her confidence and courage waning slightly. She couldn’t quite bring herself to look him in the eye and as she moved his pants down his hips, she left his boxers in place.
For now.
She pulled his shoes off his feet, followed by his pants, and looked back at what lay before her.
The sight of him was breathtaking and made her ache in all the right places. The soft light of her bedroom gave his skin a healthy glow that was only enhanced by their passion. His gaze surely matched her own, glazed in desire and filled with yearning.
Slowly she ran her hands up his bared legs, not being able to resist the draw of the area she had left clothed. Her hand gently grazed over the evidence of his arousal. Hearing his sharp intake of breath, she stroked him again through his boxers.
As she familiarized herself with the feel of him through the safety of his clothes, one of her hands rebelled against her shyness. It crept to the waistband, daring her to complete the unwrapping of this tempting present she had been given.
Two firm hands suddenly grasped her shoulders and pulled her up along his body. As Max’s mouth claimed hers in another hot kiss, he flipped their bodies so he was now the one on top of her.
He softly broke their kiss, giving them both a chance to breathe and her a chance to look once more into his eyes. They made her want to weep for joy for within them she saw wonder and reverence, expressions of adoration she had begun to lose hope in ever seeing again.
“I love you,” Liz breathed softly as he went in for another kiss.
Max’s mouth stopped only a breath away from her own.
For a brief moment her heart contracted and she worried that she shouldn’t have told him like this, in the heat of the moment. Maybe he didn’t believe her. Maybe he thought she was just saying what she thought he wanted to hear.
Her fears were calmed as Max brushed his mouth softly against hers. While he didn’t say the words back, the way his mouth tenderly worshiped hers let her know at the very least that he believed her. His next action let her know even more.
A hand that had been entangled in her hair moved its way down her body, stopping between her legs. She parted her thighs, welcoming the heat of his palm that gently cupped her.
As he continued nuzzling her mouth with his, his fingers began to tentatively explore her. At first it felt nice, odd, but nice. Once his fingers found her center of nerves, however, “nice” became a completely inadequate expression. Something began to build within her as he stroked, rubbed, even lightly pinched her. Through her gasps and moans, she let them both know his light caresses were appreciated and his bolder ones even more so.
She was consumed by sensation. She felt warm, hot, burning. The ache between her legs only grew, yet it had been transformed. Instead of unfulfillment, she felt only rapturous satisfaction.
And when she reached out to him through their connection she felt...
She felt...
Nothing.
She felt nothing.
Not only did she feel nothing through their connection, she realized with limited clarity in the passion-induced haze that she hadn’t seen anything either. Given the intense intimacy between them right now, she should be getting at least a flash or two.
Something was wrong.
“Max,” she spoke softly into his mouth. “Max, wait.”
He continued sending her to the brink with his fingers. She gasped and began to lose herself in his caress only to be reminded near the point of completion that this embrace was not complete. That no matter the pleasure, it was missing something vital.
“No, wait,” she repeated more firmly as she found the strength to pull her body slightly away from his touch. Her voice and action was enough to get his notice this time. He paused his hand and held his breath, waiting for her next words.
“Something’s not right.”
Looking down at her with sudden self-consciousness, Max quickly pulled his hand away.
“No, no,” she rushed to assure him, brushing her own hand through his hair, “that was, um, that was more than right. I’m talking about the flashes.”
The expression on Max’s face transformed from one of extreme unease to one devoid of any emotion. The eyes that once possessed hers avoided making contact. Once in command of a blank face, Max lifted himself off her body and swung his legs over the side of his bed, turning his back completely to her.
Liz raised herself to place a soft kiss on the top of his shoulder. She felt his muscles tense against her lips. Worried, she placed her hand lightly on his arm as a gesture of comfort. He jerked slightly away.
Suddenly very cold, she lifted the crumpled bedspread to cover her exposed body.
“Max,” she began in a hushed tone, “what’s going on?”
A shudder passed through his frame but he made no response.
“Are you okay?” She was growing more concerned with every passing second.
After a quiet beat he stood up from her bed, walking a few steps away from both it and her. She saw him take a deep breath before he answered in a low voice, “I was until you put on the brakes.”
It wasn’t until after she heard him speak that she realized those were the first words he had spoken all evening.
“I - I know,” she stammered as she tried to understand the coldness in his voice, why he kept pulling away from her. “I’m sorry. I just, I can’t feel you, see you. We didn’t connect.”
“I thought we were connecting just fine.”
“No,” she qualified, trying to ignore the sharp pinch in her chest, “I mean, through the alien stuff.”
“What?” he condescended as he turned around to face her, the same blank expression glued on his face. “So you weren’t getting a home movie from me while I fingered you? That was the problem?”
“What?” It was the only word that came to mind as she dealt equally with the disgust and the confusion created by his words.
“Look,” he sighed as he moved to pick up his shirt that lay by her bed, “I’m sorry if you were expecting some extra lights or something crazy because you were doing an alien, but I’m not here to put on a show.”
“What are you doing, Max?” she pressed as she tried to ignore the chill coursing through her body. “What is this?”
“What is this?” he returned flatly. “It’s sex, Liz.”
“Sex?” She could barely say the word. “That’s why you came over here?”
“Well,” he shrugged lightly as he walked to the end of her bed where his pants were, “I heard Sean split town and with Valenti on an overnight with the football team, I thought you could use a little company.”
“You thought... Oh my god.” Reality hit her hard. She had been about to make love; he had been about to fuck.
“How is this a problem? Your special friends are gone and I killed my last lay so I thought we could help each other out.”
A strange noise followed his comment and Liz knew it must have come from her. How she made any noise at all, she was unsure. Her throat was constricted so tight one would think no sound would be able to make it through.
“Oh, right,” he continued with an ease that made her stomach churn, “Tess. Fucked her good and not-so-proper. But don’t worry, I don’t kill all the girls I sleep with. Just the evil ones.”
“Oh my god,” she mouthed as she tried to hold back the nausea that threatened to overwhelm.
“What’s wrong with you, Liz? You’re acting like a friggin’ prude, which we both know isn’t the case.”
Whether it was mild condescension in his voice or the inadvertent reminder of all she had done for this man, something inside Liz snapped. Her anguish over his cold demeanor and cruel words transformed into anger.
“You don’t know anything,” she rejoined sharply.
He cocked a brow. “Your moans told me differently.”
“Bastard,” she spit as she resisted the urge to chuck the nearest heavy object at his head.
Max leaned against her window frame, sighing with mild annoyance, as he finished putting on his shoes. “I should have realized a human wouldn’t be able to handle this.”
“A human?” she echoed, choking on the word.
“I just didn’t realize a little species slumming would get so complicated,” he muttered, almost to himself.
Shaking her head in disbelief, his words too horrific to fully compute, she tried once more to understand what he was doing and why he was doing it. “How could you do this Max? Tonight of all nights?”
“What do you mean?” he asked, a mild confusion crossing his all-too-calm face.
Liz could tell he was serious; he honestly didn’t remember what today was. In that moment all the love she felt for him darkened into hate.
“Look, I thought you wanted a little fun too and –”
“Get out,” she commanded, her voice low and exact. “Get the fuck out and don’t ever come near me again.”
“Not an issue,” he replied flatly before he climbed out her window and out of her sight.
As the world of her bedroom faded away, Liz realized she was yet again crying in Alex’s arms. This time the tears weren’t wrenching. They were soft, silent, shed in lamentation over her innocence. Not her physical innocence, she had managed to retain that. It was the last of her emotional innocence that had been taken that night.
She had missed it ever since.
Alex’s hand gently wiped her cheeks as she let herself release the emotions she had been holding back for years. A shudder wracked her body and Alex’s arms tightened around her.
When she finally developed the desire to speak, she stayed within those arms, her face pressed against his chest.
“He never did come near me again,” she said breaking the silence with her small voice. “He never even came back to school. Michael mentioned he got his GED to get his parents off his back.”
“Did you ever see him?”
“Roswell’s not that big and with Michael in Maria’s life, it happened.” And every time it did she wanted to cry, to hurt him, to run away as fast as she possibly could. Funny, it wasn’t until this afternoon that she did any of them. “The first time was a couple weeks after. All I was aware of was the utter absence of feeling, and this was before I developed my powers. His reaction a couple days ago was literally the first emotion coming from him I’ve experienced in years.”
“Liz, I’m so, so sorry,” Alex professed, his own tears thickening his voice. “Sorry I wasn’t there for you, sorry I couldn’t hold you then like I am now.”
“But you are,” she assured him warmly, “here for me and holding me now and for that I’m so grateful.”
His arms squeezed her tightly, letting them both find the comfort they needed within the embrace. Many times she had wished for these arms to hold her, to help her feel strong again. She hadn’t thought about them, though, how they wished to hold her just as much as she wanted to be held. It was within these arms that longed to comfort that she found the will to address all the feelings she had been bottling up.
“I never...” Liz began softly, hesitantly, “never felt so vulnerable as in that moment. I gave up all my logic, all my control, all my everything.”
“And you were burned.”
“Scorched. You were right when you called me out on not going back to Roswell. While I love Harvard, that was part of its appeal. It was thousands of miles away from this well of nothingness that replaced a vibrant and caring young man.”
“And now he’s back in your life.”
“And now every time I look at him...”Snapshots of amber eyes fluttered before her. Lifting her head from Alex’s chest, Liz tried to lose the image of Max’s cold eyes in the green of Alex’s. “Every time our eyes meet, I see him as he was that night. I see both the wonder and the withdrawal. When I look at him, I see the man I loved and the man who made me hate. And then today...”
“And then today,” Alex prompted gently.
“Today all I saw was the wonder and it terrified me.”
“Because you’re afraid it might change again?”
She nodded. “I’m afraid if I let myself believe in that wonder, if I let myself dare to dream or to hope, I’m afraid if I let him in even just a little, I’ll be hurt just like I was that night.” Her voice cracked slightly as she continued. “And I don’t know if I could survive it twice.”
“Oh my friend,” he empathized softly as he reached to brush a stray hair out of her face.
“All I want, Alex,” she sighed, “is to finally be at peace. I don’t want to look at Max anymore or even think about him with all this confusion. I just want peace.”
“And here you are, working for peace in a way that just brings you more turmoil.”
“Life has that way of being painfully funny.”
Alex’s lips curved in a slight smile. “Take it from me, the humor doesn’t stop once you’re dead.”
Liz offered him her own smile back. “You know, you’re right. I’ve sat here and complained about being brought back into the alien fold even after moving over a thousand miles away. You went and died and yet you still got brought back.”
He laughed. “Maria would just love that. The black hole that is the alien abyss is so powerful it can suck things in beyond the grave.”
“Well I, for one, am grateful for that black hole. It brought you back to me.”
“And I’m glad to be brought back, to help in whatever small way I can.” His last words were spoken with a tint of frustration, as though he perhaps thought his help really didn’t amount to much. She rushed to assure him that it was just the opposite.
“Oh, you have helped, Alex, and not in a small way. I feel different somehow.” And she did. Alex always had that effect on her, even before this whole Guardian gig. Just talking to him could help her straighten out both her head and heart. Not being able to have his counsel had been part of the multi-faceted blow that came when she kept the truth about Max and the others away from him. “I mean, just in these past few minutes, I feel, I don’t know, freer maybe.”
“Freer is good.” Whatever small shadow in his voice had been chased away.
“It’s very good,” she affirmed and then paused. He wanted to help, he had said, and she wanted help that maybe only he could give. The only problem was, how did she ask what she wanted without invalidating what she just said?
Alex assessed her as she mused. He wiggled his brows at her in his teasing way before finally giving her the command she needed to hear.
“Just say it Liz.”
“What else can you do? I’m sorry, I don’t want to appear completely ungrateful, but I was wondering if you could answer some questions I’ve had, maybe give me some insight.”
“What kind of questions?”
Instead of whipping out a bullet point list of her questions as she had done on a few past occasions, Liz blurted them out in a word-vomit moment Maria would be impressed by. “What happened to Max? What made him change like that? Was it me, was it Tess, was it something else? And what’s going on with him now? What does he really want, what does he think? And what do I do with him?”
“Wow, those are some good questions. Been holding onto them for awhile?” Alex’s eyes brightened with his continued teasing.
“Maybe just a little bit,” she replied, her cheeks heating in a light blush.
“I wish I could answer them for you,” he replied, the teasing gone from his voice. “I don’t know what happened to Max, that wasn’t a part of my brief update. We’re not given access to information that’s not for the specific Embodied Being we’re working with. As far as what you should do, I wish for all my wisdom, all my connection with the greater realities, that I knew. I can’t answer your questions but I can promise to be here with you and maybe the two of us can figure out something together”
“Thank you for that.” Liz’s lips curved in a smirk as a thought came to her. “You know, you’d think with all these extra abilities that between the two of us, we could figure it all out. I’d much rather have the ability to know the best course of action in any situation than the one to blow any lamp up when I’m upset. Much more practical and potentially less dangerous.”
Rather than laughing at her comment, Alex turned introspective. “I guess even as advanced as we are, we’re still human.”
“I guess we are.” Her mind wandered back to Max’s comment about humans. That was another question. When did humanity become something that was beneath him?
“Which, my friend,” Alex continued in a lighter tone, “is not at all a bad thing. Of all the Embodied Beings, I’m partial to them myself.”
“Is that right?” A light smile crossed her face.
“Oh yeah,” he replied, his eyebrows raising for emphasis. “I mean, humans are the only ones who’ve developed the perfect orange soda, or so I hear.”
Liz couldn’t help but grin at the image of a disheveled Alex putting back his drink of choice at the Crashdown counter.
“And humans,” he continued, his amused tone replaced with a pointedness that did not go unnoticed, “for all their flaws, have this amazing capacity to love, even when that loves threatens their self-preservation.”
“And this is a good thing?” she asked incredulously.
“I think so, yes,” he replied with the wise voice to which she had grown accustom. “Not a painless thing, obviously, but a good one.”
“I wish we could do that,” she mused, “make it painless.”
“If wishes were horses...”
“I’d need a stable,” she jested lightly.
“Well, since I can’t make it painless, what can I do? If it’s within my ability, I’ll do whatever you ask. Even if that includes bringing Alexandra back from her long sabbatical.”
“As much as I love Allie,” Liz grinned as the memories of years watching Alex good-naturedly don a female persona purely for the amusement of she and Maria warmed her heart, “could you just tell me a funny story? I really miss Alex stories.”
Alex’s eyes lit up at her request “That I can definitely do.”
He stood up from the couch, a necessity in any Alex story as limbs might soon be flailing, and gave her a huge grin. “Did I ever tell you about the time my cousin and I decided my mother’s van was the Millennium Falcon and we need to get it back to Han Solo?
Only a couple times a year since they became friends in 5th grade. His mother had occasionally told it too, though she always seemed less amused with her seven year old son driving her new car through downtown Roswell on this important mission.
“The Millennium Falcon, huh?” she asked to encourage him. Though she had heard this story many times before, it had been years and it had always been one of her favorites.
“Well, when I was seven years old I realized with brilliant clarity that the van my mother had just bought was really Han Solo’s ship, which he of course transformed so as to hide it in plain view.”
“Of course,” she smiled.
“I also realized that he was now stuck here in Roswell because my mother had his ship. I, being a good Jedi, could not let him stay stuck. Something had to be done.”
Laughter filled the hotel suite as Alex continued his story, a story that seemed to have increased in dramatic and comedic flair since the last time she heard it. Liz found herself feeling lighter as Alex narrated his ill-advised adventure. She didn’t know if it was the story or if it was the progressing freedom from angst, a freedom that came from sharing her burden with Alex. Maybe it was both.
Whatever the reason, Liz took a moment to silently thank whomever or whatever sent Alex. Without his help she would have remained consumed by the heartbreaks from the past and with his help... well, there were no guarantees about what the future would bring, but for once she had hope.
Last edited by Doublestuf on Tue Sep 06, 2005 4:12 pm, edited 6 times in total.
A better world has got to start somewhere. Why not with you and me?
-
Doublestuf
- Enthusiastic Roswellian
- Posts: 56
- Joined: Tue Oct 09, 2001 4:58 pm
Part 13
Part 13
Worlds Fall
I'm coming home with a stone, strapped onto my back.
I'm coming home with a burning hope turning all my blues to black.
I'm looking for a sacred hand to carve into my stone.
A ghost of comfort, angels breath - to keep this life inside my chest.
This world falls on me with hopes of immortality.
Everywhere I turn all the beauty just keeps shaking me.
I woke up in the middle of a dream, scared the world was too much for me.
Sejarez said, "don't let go, just plant the seeds and watch them grow."
I've slept in rainy canyon lands, cold drenched to my skin.
I always wake to find a face to calm these troubled lands.
This world falls on me with dreams of immortality.
Everywhere I turn all the beauty just keeps shaking me.
Running - end - earth - swimming - edge - sea - laughing - under - starry sky
This world was meant for me.
Don't bury me, carry me.
I wish I was a nomad, an Indian, or a saint.
The edge of death would disappear, leave me nothing left to taint.
I wish I was a nomad, an Indian, or a saint.
Give me walking shoes, feathered arms, and a key to heaven's gate.
This world falls on me with dreams of immortality.
- Indigo Girls
Tap.
Tap, tap.
Tap.
Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap.
“Liz, how much coffee did you drink this morning?”
“None, why?”
“That,” Larek said as he gestured toward the table.
Oh,” Liz exclaimed softly as she realized what he was referring to: her finger currently tapping out an irregular rhythm on the table’s marble top.
“Nervous energy then,” Larek observed with a hint of amusement.
“At least it’s not coming out in green sparks,” she commented wryly as she folded her hands together in her lap.
Larek laughed lightly, drawing the attention of a few of the other aliens around them. The expressions on the dignitaries’ faces were fairly uniform. They were all growing impatient and rightfully so. It was fifteen minutes past the hour and Max and Michael had not yet made an appearance.
Leaning in and using a low voice so she wouldn’t be overheard, Liz asked “What if Max doesn’t show?”
“Liz, let me reassure you once more. Max will be here.”
“I know you said you spoke with him last night, but it was only for a few minutes and you said he wasn’t really forthcoming. What if he changed his mind?”
“Liz, he will be here,” Larek reiterated. “I appreciate your concern but please trust me.”
“I do trust you. I just don’t trust that things are going to happen the way we think they will, especially when it comes to Max.”
“I can appreciate that,” Larek assented with a half-smile. “Zan was the same way.”
“What do you mean?” Liz queried, the nervous butterflies in her stomach calming in the face of her curiosity.
“Zan, he...” Larek took a moment to collect his thoughts. “He was so independent growing up. He never caved into other people’s expectations. It kinda pissed a lot of folks off.”
“Sounds more like Michael than Max.”
He laughed lightly. “It does, doesn’t it? Zan and Rath were almost mirror images of each other for the longest time. Radicals, those two. They used to get into so much trouble. Tried to get me into trouble too.”
“But you held firm?” Liz offered with a smile. She could just see Larek the diplomat trying to reason with his headstrong friends.
“Most of the time.” His face lit up as he spoke, memories clearly bubbling up inside. “There were a couple occasions where they managed to convince me.”
Liz understood what that was like. There were more than a couple occasions when Maria had talked her into something. And poor Alex... When faced with the combined forces of both she and Maria, he rarely stood a chance.
“That’s why it shocked me when he agreed to marry Ava.”
“What do you mean?” She glanced to the other dignitaries. None of them, not even Kivar who seemed to have kept yesterday’s cool attitude toward her, were paying Larek and her much attention.
“She was a lovely woman and cared for him. Sadly, he wasn’t nearly as enthralled with her as his parents were. She came from a good family and had a good education. They thought she would be a perfect queen.”
“But Zan disagreed?”
“Oh no, he thought she would be a good queen too. He just didn’t care. He didn’t want to marry for his kingdom. He has seen in his parents what kind of marriage that produced.”
“What kind of marriage was that?”
“A perfunctory one. A union of two strangers who remained strangers. One lacking in passion and devotion.” Larek paused, the memories of days past clearly calling him into a deep contemplation. Liz wondered what stories could be found behind his reflective eyes. Shaking his head gently, he continued. “Zan never wanted that, but it was what he got.”
“Oh.” That didn’t sound anything like Tess has claimed to remember and the difference didn’t surprise Liz at all. They didn’t talk about Antar and her previous life much, but what little Ava would say sounded similar to what Larek just had.
“I believe Ava cared for him but that shouldn’t have been enough, not for the Zan I knew growing up.”
“What happened to him?”
“Well, I think...” Larek paused as he looked past Liz. “I think we’ll have to continue this conversation later.”
Liz didn’t turn around to see what had caught Larek’s attention. She already knew why the soft conversations around the room had stopped.
Max had arrived.
Though Alex tried his best to cheer her up, to amuse her with various stories, she could not escape all her darker thoughts. As she had lain in her bed last night, trying to sleep, she kept wondering what would happen this morning, what she would see when she looked into his eyes.
Now all she had to do was turn around and her wondering would be at an end.
All she had to do was find the courage to face the mess she had made yesterday.
It’s amazing how one simple act can be so hard. Cosmic energy must have been in the air because Liz knew it wasn’t her own strength that she found to follow the direction of everyone’s gaze and discover hurt or hatred in his eyes.
Cosmic humor must have also been in the air because when she finally did turn around she saw a familiar sight. Neither hurt nor hatred greeted her this morning. No, the blank mask that had tormented her for so long was back.
Figured.
She had only just begun letting go of the pain that came from the memory of that withdrawal and now the physical symbol of all that tormented her was back, staring her in the face once more.
Some might say after yesterday afternoon she deserved it. Some of Liz agreed.
“We are so honored you decided to grace us with your holy presence, your highness,” Kivar greeted Max with his first insult of the morning. Max neither made a move to strike back nor a move to sit down. He and Michael stood at the other end of the table, his eyes only on Larek.
“Max,” Larek began smoothly, “please, have a seat. I’m glad to see you this morning. We’re looking forward to beginning this intentional building of trust.”
“Yes, trust. So important and yet so rare these days.” His voice gave away nothing, neither did his body language. Liz had to restrain herself from screaming at him to show some emotion. It certainly wouldn’t be appropriate and it wasn’t exactly his problem that she was stewing in her own feelings of guilt.
“I agree. Now, if you and Michael will please take your seats, we can begin.”
“We have no need. This will not take long.” His voice was strong, commanding, and a touch arrogant. It was the voice of a king. His appearance matched his sound. She would be blind not to notice that the cut of his grey suit emphasized the power in his physical form. He had been dressed well the past few days but today there was something different. Something regal.
“I’m glad you’re confident in this council’s ability to build that much needed trust. I fear, however, it may take a little longer than you would be comfortable standing.” Larek’s response was clearly trying to diffuse Max’s power move with faux misunderstanding of his meaning.
Max’s brow raised slightly. “I have fought battles in both lifetimes I have had to live. I don’t think standing for a few minutes will overwhelm me.”
“A few minutes?” Larek’s voice was low and Liz could sense a mixture of mild anger and disappointment in the usually calm diplomat.
“I don’t really do grand speeches. I’ll get to the point and be gone.”
Gone? What in the world? As some of the other members of the council mumbled to themselves and Larek looked as though his ever present patience might be coming to an end, Liz focused her attention onto Michael, hoping to get more from him than from his friend. He too looked incredibly, almost uncharacteristically, serious. Not that a serious Michael was a foreign concept, but his “I-mean-business” appearance was usually more volatile than what she was currently seeing. Unfortunately, what she could read from him didn’t give her much more than the visual scan. He was proud of Max, though that pride was tinged with worry. Hopeful anxiety was also swirling around inside. While indicative of Michael, those emotions did not shed any light on what Max was thinking.
“Should I begin?” Max asked politely, cutting into the noise of confusion.
“Please. I am most interested in discovering why you will not join us at this table.” Larek’s voice was controlled, yet his frustration was crying out to her through her senses. How could he not be frustrated? He had given Max abundant grace and Max was throwing it back in his face. God what a mess she had made.
No, she corrected herself firmly, what a mess they had all made. This latest twist was just an extension of the saga that had consumed her for so long.
“Perhaps the king grows tired. His royal rear must be growing sore, what with the sitting and the thinking it’s had to do.” Snickers followed Kivar’s comment while Max appeared unfazed.
“Better to be a royal ass than an insurgent prick,” Michael retorted with a look of warning. Now there was the volatile Michael she would expect.
“And what exactly does that make you, Second?” Kivar sneered back. “The royal ass kisser? Or maybe the royal ass wiper?”
“Enough,” Max inserted sharply, effectively silencing any further comments by both Michael and, surprisingly, Kivar. “We’ve wasted too much time listening to ourselves fight.”
“And so now we just need to listen to you?” Kathana piped in with annoyed disbelief.
“Yes.”
Kathana just shook her head in disgust as Liz sighed inwardly. There went that bridge.
“Zan- Max,” Sero corrected himself with a concentrated pause. Liz could sense he was trying to calm the internal turmoil with in. Perhaps because of his general openness, Sero was fairly easy to read and right now he was trying not to give into a familiar disappointment. “We agreed to make this morning’s task the building of trust. How can we do that if you aren’t with us in this process? How can we do that if we listen to you and then you leave?”
Because this isn’t about you, Liz mentally replied in a sudden realization. Sero’s questions had sparked the answers to her own earlier ones. That’s what this was about. Max was finally appreciating just how important he was, how much power he really had. Liz only hoped the other aliens wouldn’t punish him for that realization, especially as it didn’t look like he would be addressing it tactfully.
“I’ve spent some time reflecting about what I have or haven’t done here. And I don’t think I’ve made one thing clear, perhaps because I didn’t really understand this until last night. You have to listen to me because this, this council, this debate, this is where I matter. This council needs me to have any meaning. It’s the one thing in any world that does.”
Liz slunk down slightly in her chair. He didn’t look at her, didn’t use any different tone or body language to imply anything, but she felt those last words pierce her core.
“What do you mean?” Sero asked warily.
“You’re making all this grand plans, working through issues old and new. It’s all been very amusing to watch because they mean nothing unless I agree to Kivar’s offer.”
“Don’t be so sure about that.” That comment came from Jael and unlike previous outbursts from her, this one did not receive a reprimand from Sero. While Michael gave her a classic scowl, Max continued to offer no reaction.
“Yes, there are other ways,” he replied smoothly. “You could kill me, coerce me, find a way to get what you want while betraying, yet again, Antar’s royal family. You could do all of those things, but then this council would be a failure.”
“Sounds like it would be just fine to me,” Kivar interjected coolly.
“Well, of course.” Max answered with a slight smirk, one Liz was actually glad to see as it marked the first hint of emotion she had seen. “To you it would.”
Kivar nodded in amused allowance of the truth of Max’s words.
“But if Larek’s second,” Liz couldn’t help the small noise she made at Max’s words, “can be believed, then most of you really do want to make this council work. A council meant to bring peace, a ray of hope to the Antarian people, cannot be successful with such a shadow of deceit.”
“Yes, your majesty, we know this,” Hanar joined the conversation with a sigh. “That’s why we wanted to work together, to build trust. What would you have us do? Sit back and say nothing like you instead of trying to get any work done?”
“Please excuse me,” he offered flatly.
“Excuse you?” she asked in disbelief. “You’ve got a lot that needs to be excused and I don’t know if I feel like doing that yet.”
“Fine. Let me know when you do decide. I’ll be waiting in rapt anticipation,” he patronized the diplomat.
Liz watched Hanar grit her teeth as she bit her own inner lip to keep from speaking. He wasn’t going to have any support left after this latest episode. While her innards screamed to try and help him, she knew she would be rebuffed just as quickly, if not more so.
“Well, we are waiting,” Larek inserted as he leaned closer to the table. “What is it you want to impart to us this morning?”
“I’ve come to a decision about this offer.”
Any eyes that had grown dull quickly snapped to attention. Surprise, hope, concern all flooded Liz’s senses, making her briefly lightheaded. When she managed to block out the majority of emotions, she saw her special skills weren’t needed to gage the reaction of this room. Even Kivar was a clear read, what with the slightly open mouth and tense frame.
“I confess I am somewhat surprised by such a quick decision, Max,” Larek offered cautiously.
“I though that’s what you wanted,” Max volleyed back.
“While time is important, I do not want to rush you. This is a huge decision you are making.”
“You’re right, it is a huge decision. It’s also a lot to ask. That’s why I need proof that you’re serious.”
Proof?
“Proof?” Larek echoed Liz’s own internal question.
“I need Nicholas.”
The mood in the room changed immediately. The tension was gone replaced by relief. Of course the other aliens wouldn’t mind he wanted Nicholas; they probably would like to see him go as much as Max. Liz didn’t find herself relieved, however. While the others might take this as a sign of progress, thanks to her conversation with Isabel, she couldn’t be so sure. She had no way of knowing, thanks to those damn ineffective powers, whether he was serious about Kivar’s offer and really needed proof, or if he was just going to use this meeting as a way to get his hands on the one earthbound enemy who’d managed to escape him.
“Such dramatics for such a simple request,” Kathana spoke with a smile of relief. “I’m sure Kivar has no quarrel with your request.”
“Yes, Max, you had us concerned there for a moment. No need to make a scene when we’ll give you want you want without complaint,” Hanar advised in nervous good-humor. From her comment Liz knew she didn’t fully appreciate what Max had just done by showing off his power. Even if the request did seem simple, the way he made it forced them to recognize that he could take control, that ultimately he was the one that mattered. While they may now quickly push those thoughts to the back of their minds, the seed was planted. No, Max knew exactly what he was doing.
“Kivar?” Max cocked his head slightly to the side as he concentrated his focus on his enemy. “Are they right? Will you hand him over to me, without complaint?”
“Why would you think I could give you Nicholas?”
“I don’t know. Perhaps because he works for you?”
Kivar gave Max one of his slick smiles. “I don’t know where you’re getting your information, kingling, but Nicholas hasn’t worked for me since the failed summit.”
A heartbeat of silence followed by “What?”
“After he failed me miserably there, we parted ways,” Kivar explained. “Can’t say I miss the little bugger. He was going on and on about Vilandra. Don’t get me wrong, your sister was quite the good little lover, but nothing to write home about, especially not after fifty years.”
The muscles in Michael’s arm flexed. Liz admired his self-restraint.
“That’s not what Lonnie and Rath said,” Max contested, his voice still commanding.
“Well of course not,” Kivar returned, “they were playing him just as much as Tess played you.”
Max was quick to jump on that comment. “So you admit it, then, Tess wasn’t to be trusted.”
Kivar waved his hand in an expression of boredom. “You tired of fighting, I tire of games, at least ones that I no longer care if I win.”
“You don’t care?”
“If I have tired of the games we play over Antar,” Kivar began slowly, his voice that of a teacher schooling an inattentive pupil, “why would you think our little sparring over a woman who may or may not have deserved death would be any different?”
Another beat of silence.
“So, what? Lonnie and Rath worked for you, spied on Nicholas for you as they tried to take us out?”
“Max, I’m shocked and hurt you think I would wish you harm,” Kivar delivered in monotones.
Michael pursed his lips with a slight cock of his head. Another classic Michael expression. Unlike with Max’s familiar mask, Liz found herself lightly heartened by it.
“But yes,” Kivar continued coolly, “something like that. So you see, once those two became victims, oh I’m sorry, once they met with your justice, Max, I lost all contact with Nicholas.”
“All right, say I believe you. I don’t care. You, as a part of this council, need to help get me Nicholas.”
The two kings of Antar stared at each other, each perhaps assessing the other’s strength of will. The rest of the council sat silent, entranced by the sheer power exuded by the two. Kivar finally broke the silence.
“I’ll see what I can do.”
“Kivar, wait,” Larek interjected, perhaps snapping out of his own enchantment as he lifted up his hand to stop the two kings of Antar’s discussion. “Max, I am not entirely comfortable with the idea of handing Nicholas over to you. He should be given a trial for all the crimes he has committed.”
Max replied both quick and firm. “Turning Nicholas over to this council doesn’t exactly give me the feelings of trust that I need.”
Larek matched Max’s tone. “And turning Nicholas over to you does exactly what you just warned us against. It too places a shadow over all the work this council might do.”
“Nicholas isn’t exactly innocent,” Max defended his petition.
“Neither was Zan.” He paused briefly before continuing. “Neither are you.”
Once again Max was engaged in a silent battle of wills. This time it was he who spoke first.
“Fine, you have two days to decide.”
Liz felt herself ease at his words, suddenly aware just how tense she had been. Time. Time was good.
“But here’s the deal,” Max warned, “Nicholas or I walk. I’ll be back here in exactly 48 hours to hear your decision.”
Ultimatums were not so good.
Before Larek could respond, Max turned and began walking toward the wings. Liz found herself rising out of her chair, moving to follow him. The moment Max moved away from the table, Kathana began yelling at Larek to “give the boy the general” while both Sero and Hanar quickly engaged in conversation with their seconds. Kivar turned back to his usual mildly amused self and she wasn’t sure if that was a good change or not. It was safe to say none of the other diplomats would miss her if she ran after Max.
They needed to talk. Or maybe she just need to apologize. She didn’t know exactly what she would say. She just knew she had to reach him, so she could, well, reach him. She had to -
A hand grabbed her arm, stopping her forward momentum.
Liz looked to see who owned this welcome hand. It was Michael.
“I’ll be fine,” Liz insisted. “Let go.”
“No.” He sounded serious. And he didn’t let go of her arm.
“Michael, I mean it,” she pressed as she moved arm, trying unsuccessfully to get it out if his grip.
“So do I, Liz,” he replied somberly. “I can’t let you go after him and I won’t let go until you’ve agreed not to.”
Liz’s eyes flitted back to the table where the aliens were either arguing, talking, or sitting in self-pleasure. With Larek’s attention focused on an irate Kathana and Whitmore on some errand for his king, there would be no getting help without making a scene.
“Why not? I just want to talk with him.”
“Liz,” Michael sighed, “with the two of you, there is no ‘just talking’ and right now I can’t risk the effects of another conversation between you. Max needs to be as collected as possible.”
Could Michael hurt her anymore? Oh no, not her arm. Though he had a firm grip he wasn’t causing her any discomfort. But his words... the truth really did hurt.
“I’m sorry,” she mumbled, head and heart both sinking. “You’re right. I wish you weren’t, but you are. I’m no good for Max.”
“Liz, I didn’t say that exactly,” he insisted softly as he let go of her arm. “I haven’t always wanted to admit this, but I think you’re probably the best thing that ever happened to Max. I may have only hinted at that before I left, so let me be completely blatant about it now.”
Michael had no idea, then, the extent of the pain they had caused each other. He couldn’t know and still believe that.
“Even though you’re good for him, he’s not in a place where he can accept that and...” Michael’s words trailed off and she knew he wasn’t sure how to say what he thought without offending or hurting her. Poor Michael, he was never the best with words in delicate situations. She took pity on him and finished what he couldn’t.
“And I’m probably not in a place where I can even give him what he needs.”
“Something like that,” he confirmed with a small smile of regret.
They stood there for a few moments, neither sure what to say next. While they certainly had become friends before he left, it had been a slightly awkward friendship, never being completely at ease in each other’s presence. Still, they would work through the initial small disquiet and find a pattern of relating whenever it had been just the two of them. Michael soon did just that.
“How about coffee?”
“What?” His question startled Liz out of her thoughts.
“Coffee, remember? We talked about getting some,” he teased lightly. “Well, seems like we have some time on our hands in the next two days. How about coffee?”
Liz gave him a big smile. “Coffee sounds great.”
“Tomorrow, then? About this time?”
Maria had planned on hanging out with Justin during the day tomorrow. She wouldn’t miss Liz or, hopefully, be too concerned with where she was.
“Perfect.”
Michael nodded, looked briefly at the table, and then moved toward the wings himself. He stopped only after walking a few feet away.
“Hey Liz?”
“Yes?”
“Tell her...” Michael closed his eyes, searching for the right words. “Tell her I say ‘hello.’”
Liz didn’t know why she was caught slightly off guard by his comment, but she was. Absorbed in her own drama with Max, she didn’t stop to think about Michael. Maria refused to talk about him; even last night she didn’t want to address what it was going to be like being in the same city as him for the first time in years. She was avoiding big time, a coping technique Liz could appreciate. Michael, however, had obviously not avoided the issue of Maria. She wondered if thoughts about Maria and her impending arrival were the source of the hopeful anxiety she had sensed earlier.
“I will,” she promised with a light smile.
Michael gave her a nod and then continued walking to the wings, presumably following Max wherever he went. Liz let her attention float back to the other aliens. She didn’t know how Larek had managed years of this. A couple days and she was already overwhelmed with all the conflict. She was so glad Maria was coming to town today. A night on the town would be exactly what she needed.
Taking a deep breath, Liz forced herself to head back over to the table, hoping to help calm the waves left in Max’s wake.
Worlds Fall
I'm coming home with a stone, strapped onto my back.
I'm coming home with a burning hope turning all my blues to black.
I'm looking for a sacred hand to carve into my stone.
A ghost of comfort, angels breath - to keep this life inside my chest.
This world falls on me with hopes of immortality.
Everywhere I turn all the beauty just keeps shaking me.
I woke up in the middle of a dream, scared the world was too much for me.
Sejarez said, "don't let go, just plant the seeds and watch them grow."
I've slept in rainy canyon lands, cold drenched to my skin.
I always wake to find a face to calm these troubled lands.
This world falls on me with dreams of immortality.
Everywhere I turn all the beauty just keeps shaking me.
Running - end - earth - swimming - edge - sea - laughing - under - starry sky
This world was meant for me.
Don't bury me, carry me.
I wish I was a nomad, an Indian, or a saint.
The edge of death would disappear, leave me nothing left to taint.
I wish I was a nomad, an Indian, or a saint.
Give me walking shoes, feathered arms, and a key to heaven's gate.
This world falls on me with dreams of immortality.
- Indigo Girls
Tap.
Tap, tap.
Tap.
Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap.
“Liz, how much coffee did you drink this morning?”
“None, why?”
“That,” Larek said as he gestured toward the table.
Oh,” Liz exclaimed softly as she realized what he was referring to: her finger currently tapping out an irregular rhythm on the table’s marble top.
“Nervous energy then,” Larek observed with a hint of amusement.
“At least it’s not coming out in green sparks,” she commented wryly as she folded her hands together in her lap.
Larek laughed lightly, drawing the attention of a few of the other aliens around them. The expressions on the dignitaries’ faces were fairly uniform. They were all growing impatient and rightfully so. It was fifteen minutes past the hour and Max and Michael had not yet made an appearance.
Leaning in and using a low voice so she wouldn’t be overheard, Liz asked “What if Max doesn’t show?”
“Liz, let me reassure you once more. Max will be here.”
“I know you said you spoke with him last night, but it was only for a few minutes and you said he wasn’t really forthcoming. What if he changed his mind?”
“Liz, he will be here,” Larek reiterated. “I appreciate your concern but please trust me.”
“I do trust you. I just don’t trust that things are going to happen the way we think they will, especially when it comes to Max.”
“I can appreciate that,” Larek assented with a half-smile. “Zan was the same way.”
“What do you mean?” Liz queried, the nervous butterflies in her stomach calming in the face of her curiosity.
“Zan, he...” Larek took a moment to collect his thoughts. “He was so independent growing up. He never caved into other people’s expectations. It kinda pissed a lot of folks off.”
“Sounds more like Michael than Max.”
He laughed lightly. “It does, doesn’t it? Zan and Rath were almost mirror images of each other for the longest time. Radicals, those two. They used to get into so much trouble. Tried to get me into trouble too.”
“But you held firm?” Liz offered with a smile. She could just see Larek the diplomat trying to reason with his headstrong friends.
“Most of the time.” His face lit up as he spoke, memories clearly bubbling up inside. “There were a couple occasions where they managed to convince me.”
Liz understood what that was like. There were more than a couple occasions when Maria had talked her into something. And poor Alex... When faced with the combined forces of both she and Maria, he rarely stood a chance.
“That’s why it shocked me when he agreed to marry Ava.”
“What do you mean?” She glanced to the other dignitaries. None of them, not even Kivar who seemed to have kept yesterday’s cool attitude toward her, were paying Larek and her much attention.
“She was a lovely woman and cared for him. Sadly, he wasn’t nearly as enthralled with her as his parents were. She came from a good family and had a good education. They thought she would be a perfect queen.”
“But Zan disagreed?”
“Oh no, he thought she would be a good queen too. He just didn’t care. He didn’t want to marry for his kingdom. He has seen in his parents what kind of marriage that produced.”
“What kind of marriage was that?”
“A perfunctory one. A union of two strangers who remained strangers. One lacking in passion and devotion.” Larek paused, the memories of days past clearly calling him into a deep contemplation. Liz wondered what stories could be found behind his reflective eyes. Shaking his head gently, he continued. “Zan never wanted that, but it was what he got.”
“Oh.” That didn’t sound anything like Tess has claimed to remember and the difference didn’t surprise Liz at all. They didn’t talk about Antar and her previous life much, but what little Ava would say sounded similar to what Larek just had.
“I believe Ava cared for him but that shouldn’t have been enough, not for the Zan I knew growing up.”
“What happened to him?”
“Well, I think...” Larek paused as he looked past Liz. “I think we’ll have to continue this conversation later.”
Liz didn’t turn around to see what had caught Larek’s attention. She already knew why the soft conversations around the room had stopped.
Max had arrived.
Though Alex tried his best to cheer her up, to amuse her with various stories, she could not escape all her darker thoughts. As she had lain in her bed last night, trying to sleep, she kept wondering what would happen this morning, what she would see when she looked into his eyes.
Now all she had to do was turn around and her wondering would be at an end.
All she had to do was find the courage to face the mess she had made yesterday.
It’s amazing how one simple act can be so hard. Cosmic energy must have been in the air because Liz knew it wasn’t her own strength that she found to follow the direction of everyone’s gaze and discover hurt or hatred in his eyes.
Cosmic humor must have also been in the air because when she finally did turn around she saw a familiar sight. Neither hurt nor hatred greeted her this morning. No, the blank mask that had tormented her for so long was back.
Figured.
She had only just begun letting go of the pain that came from the memory of that withdrawal and now the physical symbol of all that tormented her was back, staring her in the face once more.
Some might say after yesterday afternoon she deserved it. Some of Liz agreed.
“We are so honored you decided to grace us with your holy presence, your highness,” Kivar greeted Max with his first insult of the morning. Max neither made a move to strike back nor a move to sit down. He and Michael stood at the other end of the table, his eyes only on Larek.
“Max,” Larek began smoothly, “please, have a seat. I’m glad to see you this morning. We’re looking forward to beginning this intentional building of trust.”
“Yes, trust. So important and yet so rare these days.” His voice gave away nothing, neither did his body language. Liz had to restrain herself from screaming at him to show some emotion. It certainly wouldn’t be appropriate and it wasn’t exactly his problem that she was stewing in her own feelings of guilt.
“I agree. Now, if you and Michael will please take your seats, we can begin.”
“We have no need. This will not take long.” His voice was strong, commanding, and a touch arrogant. It was the voice of a king. His appearance matched his sound. She would be blind not to notice that the cut of his grey suit emphasized the power in his physical form. He had been dressed well the past few days but today there was something different. Something regal.
“I’m glad you’re confident in this council’s ability to build that much needed trust. I fear, however, it may take a little longer than you would be comfortable standing.” Larek’s response was clearly trying to diffuse Max’s power move with faux misunderstanding of his meaning.
Max’s brow raised slightly. “I have fought battles in both lifetimes I have had to live. I don’t think standing for a few minutes will overwhelm me.”
“A few minutes?” Larek’s voice was low and Liz could sense a mixture of mild anger and disappointment in the usually calm diplomat.
“I don’t really do grand speeches. I’ll get to the point and be gone.”
Gone? What in the world? As some of the other members of the council mumbled to themselves and Larek looked as though his ever present patience might be coming to an end, Liz focused her attention onto Michael, hoping to get more from him than from his friend. He too looked incredibly, almost uncharacteristically, serious. Not that a serious Michael was a foreign concept, but his “I-mean-business” appearance was usually more volatile than what she was currently seeing. Unfortunately, what she could read from him didn’t give her much more than the visual scan. He was proud of Max, though that pride was tinged with worry. Hopeful anxiety was also swirling around inside. While indicative of Michael, those emotions did not shed any light on what Max was thinking.
“Should I begin?” Max asked politely, cutting into the noise of confusion.
“Please. I am most interested in discovering why you will not join us at this table.” Larek’s voice was controlled, yet his frustration was crying out to her through her senses. How could he not be frustrated? He had given Max abundant grace and Max was throwing it back in his face. God what a mess she had made.
No, she corrected herself firmly, what a mess they had all made. This latest twist was just an extension of the saga that had consumed her for so long.
“Perhaps the king grows tired. His royal rear must be growing sore, what with the sitting and the thinking it’s had to do.” Snickers followed Kivar’s comment while Max appeared unfazed.
“Better to be a royal ass than an insurgent prick,” Michael retorted with a look of warning. Now there was the volatile Michael she would expect.
“And what exactly does that make you, Second?” Kivar sneered back. “The royal ass kisser? Or maybe the royal ass wiper?”
“Enough,” Max inserted sharply, effectively silencing any further comments by both Michael and, surprisingly, Kivar. “We’ve wasted too much time listening to ourselves fight.”
“And so now we just need to listen to you?” Kathana piped in with annoyed disbelief.
“Yes.”
Kathana just shook her head in disgust as Liz sighed inwardly. There went that bridge.
“Zan- Max,” Sero corrected himself with a concentrated pause. Liz could sense he was trying to calm the internal turmoil with in. Perhaps because of his general openness, Sero was fairly easy to read and right now he was trying not to give into a familiar disappointment. “We agreed to make this morning’s task the building of trust. How can we do that if you aren’t with us in this process? How can we do that if we listen to you and then you leave?”
Because this isn’t about you, Liz mentally replied in a sudden realization. Sero’s questions had sparked the answers to her own earlier ones. That’s what this was about. Max was finally appreciating just how important he was, how much power he really had. Liz only hoped the other aliens wouldn’t punish him for that realization, especially as it didn’t look like he would be addressing it tactfully.
“I’ve spent some time reflecting about what I have or haven’t done here. And I don’t think I’ve made one thing clear, perhaps because I didn’t really understand this until last night. You have to listen to me because this, this council, this debate, this is where I matter. This council needs me to have any meaning. It’s the one thing in any world that does.”
Liz slunk down slightly in her chair. He didn’t look at her, didn’t use any different tone or body language to imply anything, but she felt those last words pierce her core.
“What do you mean?” Sero asked warily.
“You’re making all this grand plans, working through issues old and new. It’s all been very amusing to watch because they mean nothing unless I agree to Kivar’s offer.”
“Don’t be so sure about that.” That comment came from Jael and unlike previous outbursts from her, this one did not receive a reprimand from Sero. While Michael gave her a classic scowl, Max continued to offer no reaction.
“Yes, there are other ways,” he replied smoothly. “You could kill me, coerce me, find a way to get what you want while betraying, yet again, Antar’s royal family. You could do all of those things, but then this council would be a failure.”
“Sounds like it would be just fine to me,” Kivar interjected coolly.
“Well, of course.” Max answered with a slight smirk, one Liz was actually glad to see as it marked the first hint of emotion she had seen. “To you it would.”
Kivar nodded in amused allowance of the truth of Max’s words.
“But if Larek’s second,” Liz couldn’t help the small noise she made at Max’s words, “can be believed, then most of you really do want to make this council work. A council meant to bring peace, a ray of hope to the Antarian people, cannot be successful with such a shadow of deceit.”
“Yes, your majesty, we know this,” Hanar joined the conversation with a sigh. “That’s why we wanted to work together, to build trust. What would you have us do? Sit back and say nothing like you instead of trying to get any work done?”
“Please excuse me,” he offered flatly.
“Excuse you?” she asked in disbelief. “You’ve got a lot that needs to be excused and I don’t know if I feel like doing that yet.”
“Fine. Let me know when you do decide. I’ll be waiting in rapt anticipation,” he patronized the diplomat.
Liz watched Hanar grit her teeth as she bit her own inner lip to keep from speaking. He wasn’t going to have any support left after this latest episode. While her innards screamed to try and help him, she knew she would be rebuffed just as quickly, if not more so.
“Well, we are waiting,” Larek inserted as he leaned closer to the table. “What is it you want to impart to us this morning?”
“I’ve come to a decision about this offer.”
Any eyes that had grown dull quickly snapped to attention. Surprise, hope, concern all flooded Liz’s senses, making her briefly lightheaded. When she managed to block out the majority of emotions, she saw her special skills weren’t needed to gage the reaction of this room. Even Kivar was a clear read, what with the slightly open mouth and tense frame.
“I confess I am somewhat surprised by such a quick decision, Max,” Larek offered cautiously.
“I though that’s what you wanted,” Max volleyed back.
“While time is important, I do not want to rush you. This is a huge decision you are making.”
“You’re right, it is a huge decision. It’s also a lot to ask. That’s why I need proof that you’re serious.”
Proof?
“Proof?” Larek echoed Liz’s own internal question.
“I need Nicholas.”
The mood in the room changed immediately. The tension was gone replaced by relief. Of course the other aliens wouldn’t mind he wanted Nicholas; they probably would like to see him go as much as Max. Liz didn’t find herself relieved, however. While the others might take this as a sign of progress, thanks to her conversation with Isabel, she couldn’t be so sure. She had no way of knowing, thanks to those damn ineffective powers, whether he was serious about Kivar’s offer and really needed proof, or if he was just going to use this meeting as a way to get his hands on the one earthbound enemy who’d managed to escape him.
“Such dramatics for such a simple request,” Kathana spoke with a smile of relief. “I’m sure Kivar has no quarrel with your request.”
“Yes, Max, you had us concerned there for a moment. No need to make a scene when we’ll give you want you want without complaint,” Hanar advised in nervous good-humor. From her comment Liz knew she didn’t fully appreciate what Max had just done by showing off his power. Even if the request did seem simple, the way he made it forced them to recognize that he could take control, that ultimately he was the one that mattered. While they may now quickly push those thoughts to the back of their minds, the seed was planted. No, Max knew exactly what he was doing.
“Kivar?” Max cocked his head slightly to the side as he concentrated his focus on his enemy. “Are they right? Will you hand him over to me, without complaint?”
“Why would you think I could give you Nicholas?”
“I don’t know. Perhaps because he works for you?”
Kivar gave Max one of his slick smiles. “I don’t know where you’re getting your information, kingling, but Nicholas hasn’t worked for me since the failed summit.”
A heartbeat of silence followed by “What?”
“After he failed me miserably there, we parted ways,” Kivar explained. “Can’t say I miss the little bugger. He was going on and on about Vilandra. Don’t get me wrong, your sister was quite the good little lover, but nothing to write home about, especially not after fifty years.”
The muscles in Michael’s arm flexed. Liz admired his self-restraint.
“That’s not what Lonnie and Rath said,” Max contested, his voice still commanding.
“Well of course not,” Kivar returned, “they were playing him just as much as Tess played you.”
Max was quick to jump on that comment. “So you admit it, then, Tess wasn’t to be trusted.”
Kivar waved his hand in an expression of boredom. “You tired of fighting, I tire of games, at least ones that I no longer care if I win.”
“You don’t care?”
“If I have tired of the games we play over Antar,” Kivar began slowly, his voice that of a teacher schooling an inattentive pupil, “why would you think our little sparring over a woman who may or may not have deserved death would be any different?”
Another beat of silence.
“So, what? Lonnie and Rath worked for you, spied on Nicholas for you as they tried to take us out?”
“Max, I’m shocked and hurt you think I would wish you harm,” Kivar delivered in monotones.
Michael pursed his lips with a slight cock of his head. Another classic Michael expression. Unlike with Max’s familiar mask, Liz found herself lightly heartened by it.
“But yes,” Kivar continued coolly, “something like that. So you see, once those two became victims, oh I’m sorry, once they met with your justice, Max, I lost all contact with Nicholas.”
“All right, say I believe you. I don’t care. You, as a part of this council, need to help get me Nicholas.”
The two kings of Antar stared at each other, each perhaps assessing the other’s strength of will. The rest of the council sat silent, entranced by the sheer power exuded by the two. Kivar finally broke the silence.
“I’ll see what I can do.”
“Kivar, wait,” Larek interjected, perhaps snapping out of his own enchantment as he lifted up his hand to stop the two kings of Antar’s discussion. “Max, I am not entirely comfortable with the idea of handing Nicholas over to you. He should be given a trial for all the crimes he has committed.”
Max replied both quick and firm. “Turning Nicholas over to this council doesn’t exactly give me the feelings of trust that I need.”
Larek matched Max’s tone. “And turning Nicholas over to you does exactly what you just warned us against. It too places a shadow over all the work this council might do.”
“Nicholas isn’t exactly innocent,” Max defended his petition.
“Neither was Zan.” He paused briefly before continuing. “Neither are you.”
Once again Max was engaged in a silent battle of wills. This time it was he who spoke first.
“Fine, you have two days to decide.”
Liz felt herself ease at his words, suddenly aware just how tense she had been. Time. Time was good.
“But here’s the deal,” Max warned, “Nicholas or I walk. I’ll be back here in exactly 48 hours to hear your decision.”
Ultimatums were not so good.
Before Larek could respond, Max turned and began walking toward the wings. Liz found herself rising out of her chair, moving to follow him. The moment Max moved away from the table, Kathana began yelling at Larek to “give the boy the general” while both Sero and Hanar quickly engaged in conversation with their seconds. Kivar turned back to his usual mildly amused self and she wasn’t sure if that was a good change or not. It was safe to say none of the other diplomats would miss her if she ran after Max.
They needed to talk. Or maybe she just need to apologize. She didn’t know exactly what she would say. She just knew she had to reach him, so she could, well, reach him. She had to -
A hand grabbed her arm, stopping her forward momentum.
Liz looked to see who owned this welcome hand. It was Michael.
“I’ll be fine,” Liz insisted. “Let go.”
“No.” He sounded serious. And he didn’t let go of her arm.
“Michael, I mean it,” she pressed as she moved arm, trying unsuccessfully to get it out if his grip.
“So do I, Liz,” he replied somberly. “I can’t let you go after him and I won’t let go until you’ve agreed not to.”
Liz’s eyes flitted back to the table where the aliens were either arguing, talking, or sitting in self-pleasure. With Larek’s attention focused on an irate Kathana and Whitmore on some errand for his king, there would be no getting help without making a scene.
“Why not? I just want to talk with him.”
“Liz,” Michael sighed, “with the two of you, there is no ‘just talking’ and right now I can’t risk the effects of another conversation between you. Max needs to be as collected as possible.”
Could Michael hurt her anymore? Oh no, not her arm. Though he had a firm grip he wasn’t causing her any discomfort. But his words... the truth really did hurt.
“I’m sorry,” she mumbled, head and heart both sinking. “You’re right. I wish you weren’t, but you are. I’m no good for Max.”
“Liz, I didn’t say that exactly,” he insisted softly as he let go of her arm. “I haven’t always wanted to admit this, but I think you’re probably the best thing that ever happened to Max. I may have only hinted at that before I left, so let me be completely blatant about it now.”
Michael had no idea, then, the extent of the pain they had caused each other. He couldn’t know and still believe that.
“Even though you’re good for him, he’s not in a place where he can accept that and...” Michael’s words trailed off and she knew he wasn’t sure how to say what he thought without offending or hurting her. Poor Michael, he was never the best with words in delicate situations. She took pity on him and finished what he couldn’t.
“And I’m probably not in a place where I can even give him what he needs.”
“Something like that,” he confirmed with a small smile of regret.
They stood there for a few moments, neither sure what to say next. While they certainly had become friends before he left, it had been a slightly awkward friendship, never being completely at ease in each other’s presence. Still, they would work through the initial small disquiet and find a pattern of relating whenever it had been just the two of them. Michael soon did just that.
“How about coffee?”
“What?” His question startled Liz out of her thoughts.
“Coffee, remember? We talked about getting some,” he teased lightly. “Well, seems like we have some time on our hands in the next two days. How about coffee?”
Liz gave him a big smile. “Coffee sounds great.”
“Tomorrow, then? About this time?”
Maria had planned on hanging out with Justin during the day tomorrow. She wouldn’t miss Liz or, hopefully, be too concerned with where she was.
“Perfect.”
Michael nodded, looked briefly at the table, and then moved toward the wings himself. He stopped only after walking a few feet away.
“Hey Liz?”
“Yes?”
“Tell her...” Michael closed his eyes, searching for the right words. “Tell her I say ‘hello.’”
Liz didn’t know why she was caught slightly off guard by his comment, but she was. Absorbed in her own drama with Max, she didn’t stop to think about Michael. Maria refused to talk about him; even last night she didn’t want to address what it was going to be like being in the same city as him for the first time in years. She was avoiding big time, a coping technique Liz could appreciate. Michael, however, had obviously not avoided the issue of Maria. She wondered if thoughts about Maria and her impending arrival were the source of the hopeful anxiety she had sensed earlier.
“I will,” she promised with a light smile.
Michael gave her a nod and then continued walking to the wings, presumably following Max wherever he went. Liz let her attention float back to the other aliens. She didn’t know how Larek had managed years of this. A couple days and she was already overwhelmed with all the conflict. She was so glad Maria was coming to town today. A night on the town would be exactly what she needed.
Taking a deep breath, Liz forced herself to head back over to the table, hoping to help calm the waves left in Max’s wake.
Last edited by Doublestuf on Wed Sep 07, 2005 1:31 pm, edited 2 times in total.
A better world has got to start somewhere. Why not with you and me?
-
Doublestuf
- Enthusiastic Roswellian
- Posts: 56
- Joined: Tue Oct 09, 2001 4:58 pm
Part 14
Part 14
Joking
You said the world was magic I was wide-eyed and laughing
We were dancing up to the bright side
Forget about your ego forget about your pride
And we will never have to compromise
And you were only joking
You were only joking brother
We talked about mothers kissing the wounds of our fathers
I could have been your sister I would have been your brother
You kissed me like a soldier heading for a war
I'm a dying man but I don't know what for
But you were only joking
You were only joking brother
You were only joking
You were only joking brother
Gravel and glass on the bottom of my feet
I bruised my heels on the swollen street
We were girls in bars, boys on the town
Bumping like a pinball off a careless crowd
You said good friends are hard to come by
I laughed and bought you a beer it's too corny to cry
Well sentiments given, sentiments lost
You shook it off with a smirk and a toss
You were only joking
You were only joking brother
- Indigo Girls
“I just sat there, watching what was going on, like everything was in a thick haze.”
Sitting cross-legged in the plush chair of her suite’s parlor area, Liz took a sip of warm tea. She had spent the last hour going over the events of the morning with her friend who had stretched his long body out on the nearby couch. An hour and she still had so much to say.
“It was like I was trapped or something.”
“Trapped?”
“Do you remember when I lost Max in the hall of mirrors?” Seeing Alex nod she continued. “That’s what this morning was like. I could see him but I couldn’t reach him. All I wanted to do was run up to him, shake him, apologize to him, let him apologize to me - whatever. I wanted to talk with him, to make sure yesterday afternoon in the park would not be the last real encounter we had. But I couldn’t. I had to sit there and play the diplomat instead of just being me.”
Something flickered across Alex’s face. He opened his mouth slightly, then closed it again.
“Go ahead, Alex. Say it.”
“I’m sure you were trapped by that role. But when it was over, when Max had said his piece and left, when you could be Liz instead of Larek’s second,” Alex echoed those words with a faint grin, his teasing easing the pain that had come from them only hours before, “you didn’t challenge Michael. You let him stop you.”
“I don’t know if ‘let’ is really the right word.”
A small breath of laughter. “That’s fair. But I know you, Parker. You certainly could have put up a better protest.”
“Michael has had to protect Max from terrifyingly real danger for quite a few years now. I don’t think there would have been any getting by him.” A look from Alex let her know he wasn’t buying it. “Fine. Even if I could have gotten him to let me go, he was right. Just because I want some sort of resolution doesn’t mean I should force Max to deal right now. That’s not fair.”
“Well, Liz, when is he going to deal?”
“I... I don’t know. I don’t know if I do have or even should have any say in it. I don’t know,” she uttered again with a small cry of frustration. “I don’t know, I don’t know.”
“I’m sensing a pattern.” Warm green eyes coaxed her out of her small tantrum.
“Sorry,” Liz sighed as she got up from her chair, moving toward the wet bar and the comforting herbal tea it offered. “I just hate this part.”
“Okay. I’ll bite. What part is that?”
“The part where things are up in the air and there’s no way of knowing how they’ll land or even how you want them to land.”
“So the part where you don’t have control over other people. Or even your own heart.”
Liz gave Alex her best attempt at a glare. “No one asked you for your brilliant insight.”
“Um-“
“Oh, all right. I did.” Pouring herself another cup of tea, she offered something of an apology. “Do you get some sort of special reward for putting up with me? You know, that halo you said you didn’t have?”
Alex laughed. “Maybe just a gold star.”
“You know I’m sorry I’m being so moody.”
“And you know that I don’t care what mood you’re in. You’re one of my girls. Dealing with your range of emotions is one of the perks.”
“Perks? Don’t you mean consequences?” Liz challenged with an arch of her brow.
“You say tomato, I say tamoto.”
Liz rolled her eyes at her friend’s words. He was laying it on kinda thick, but she knew he was also completely sincere.
“So Ms. Moody, how is Larek dealing with all this?”
Liz shook her head in sympathy as she sank back down in her chair. “It’s such a hard place for him to be in. If the council or even just Kivar on his own with the council’s knowledge gives Nicholas to Max, they’ll have blood on their hands. The blood of a killer and mindrapist, sure, but blood nonetheless.”
Alex moved out of his comfortable lounge, sitting up in attention after those somber words. “So you think Max would kill Nicholas?”
“I don’t think he wants him so they can catch a movie.”
“Now there’s a thought,” Alex replied with a humorously laugh.
“Isabel said that’s why he was here, to get Nicholas.”
The small crease in Alex’s brow at Isabel’s name did not go unnoticed. Liz made a mental note to find a way to bring that subject up soon.
“But not to turn him over to the council for a trial,” Alex continued the flow of their conversation.
“Of course not.”
“No,” he sighed, “of course not.”
Liz set her cup down on the coffee table in front her, freeing both hands so she could run them through her hair. “It’s just so hard. I understand why Max wants Nicholas, wants to get rid of him. He and Michael and Isabel can’t go back to their lives with the threat of Nicholas hanging over their heads. And it’s not like Nicholas didn’t hurt them before and hasn’t been sending random Skins to kill them for years. But Larek can’t exactly just sign off on premeditated murder. Not as the chair of a council working for peace.”
“Do you have any idea if Max would actually agree to the deal if he does get Nicholas?”
Liz just cocked her brow.
“Right, sorry,” Alex mumbled as he began lightly tapping the coffee table with his knuckles. Liz allowed herself a small smile. While she may tap out random rhythms Alex was currently rapping out the backbeat of one of The Whits old songs. He probably didn’t even know what he was doing.
“I don’t know how Larek does it,” Liz mulled out loud. “It’s not like I’m a stranger to conflict or tough choices, but he does this all the time. Dealing with stuff this heavy every several years is enough to send me over the edge, as you have seen. I don’t know how he manages to keep his cool.”
“Maybe that’s what comes from a lifetime of playing peacemaker.”
Liz found herself recalling Larek’s comment about his friendship with Rath and Zan. That history was another subject she would have to remember to pursue.
“Playing peacemaker with men like Max and Kivar would take a lifetime of preparation.”
Nodding in agreement, Alex adjusted his body so he was facing her more fully. “So speaking of Kivar, I talked to the Greater Beings about him for you.”
Liz was slightly startled. “Oh, I completely forgot you were going to investigate what was going on with him.”
“With everything that’s gone on with you, I’m not surprised.”
“What did they say?” she prompted.
“They said, and I quote, ‘Kivar himself will not seek to harm her.’”
Liz made a face. “And what exactly does that mean?”
“Uh, that’s the funny thing about these Greater Beings. What they say can be cryptic and have a variety of different meanings. Makes my job assignments real fun.”
“So danger somehow involving Kivar isn’t out of the realm of possibilities.”
“Safe to say no.”
“Well, that’s not too shocking.” Liz tried her best to sound nonchalant but didn’t really succeed. It was hard to brush off the reality that she might be harmed in more ways than emotionally. Somehow not knowing what these Greater Beings had to say had been easier. Their cryptic message made the possibility of danger all the more real.
And for her it was just a possibility.
The middle of her chest felt like it was being pulled inward from some deep recess of her body. Max, Michael, and Isabel - they had lived with not just a possibility but a sure actuality of danger. After the jellyfish queen incident they hadn’t had any real outside trouble with alien enemies or diseases (Brody’s Larek-memory-induced crazy period and Tess in general notwithstanding). She had forgotten what it was like live in the constant awareness that your life was in danger. Maybe she should encourage Larek to give Nicholas to Max even if it wasn’t the high moral road or she wasn’t sure Max would actually work with the council after he got what he wanted.
“Liz,” Alex’s soft voice called her out of her thoughts. “The look on your face. Are you going to be okay? Just because they were cryptic doesn’t mean anything terrible will definitely happen.”
“What? Oh, I know. It’s not that, it’s not me.” Taking a chance she continued. “I was thinking about Max, Michael, and Isabel. How hard it’s been for them. The other day you mentioned you knew Isabel had a tough time over the past few years.”
Alex’s eyes narrowed for a fraction of a second at the same time Liz sensed a flicker of sorrow. “Yeah.”
“I- I was wondering how you knew.”
“About what?”
Was he being purposefully evasive or had she just been around Max too long?
“About Isabel.” Again a flicker of sorrow. “Did you ever watch her?”
Alex nodded lightly. “I admit I checked in on her from time to time. Not very often, though. Maybe once or twice a year. It’s not really allowed.”
Between his avoiding of eye contact, an old classic, and the shadow she was now sensing, Liz knew Alex was leaving something out. What wasn’t he telling her? What would he -
“You’ve appeared to her,” she blurted out in sudden awareness.
“What?” he asked sharply. Too sharply.
“Isabel. You’ve appeared to her like you have to me.” Guilt overwhelmed her senses and Liz quickly got up from the chair and sat next to him. Softly placing her hand on his leg, she pressed with her words, “Alex, why do you feel guilty about that?”
When his green eyes met hers her heart dropped. His eyes, which always shone with a warm and otherwordly kindness, were made extra brilliant with tears. She just had to push, didn’t she?
“I visited her but not you. Not Maria.” His voice was choked with tears he had not yet shed.
Liz reached out and pulled his head down to her chest. Stroking his brow she offered him the best solace she could. “I understand, Alex. I understand and I’m not hurt.”
He didn’t seem to hear her. “It’s just that Maria had Michael, you had Maria, and Isabel had no one. And it was only twice. Once in her dreams, once before she thought she was leaving Earth.”
“Alex,” Liz pressed hard, “I understand. I do.”
He lifted his head from her chest and looked deep into her eyes. Liz got the feeling he was trying to do her thing, sense the real emotion behind a person’s words. He could probe, sense, do whatever - she was speaking the full truth. Friends were meant to be understanding even beyond reasonable expectations. Alex had taught her that.
“Thank you,” he whispered softly. “I’ve been carrying that guilt for sometime.”
“Well to quote a certain wise friend of mine,” she began with a hint of a smile, “‘You need to let go of that guilt.’”
“Smart friend,” he grinned faintly back.
“He has his moments,” she teased.
Alex nodded as he stood up, a strange expression appearing on his face. Liz watched him walk over to the window of the room and peer down. She couldn’t help her smile. The first night she was here she had tried to match the comfort she found from her window at her home. While she hadn’t found this window to be particularly helpful, both Alex and Isabel apparently thought differently. When Alex turned around, he had a full grin on his face.
“What are you smiling about?” she asked lightly.
A “you’ll see” and a wink of the eye was the only response she got.
“Okay,” Liz replied, dragging out her vowels as she did.
“But before you do, do you have any other questions?”
“About what?”
He rolled his eyes. “About Isabel.”
“I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”
“Liz, you’ve told and showed me more than even the best friends often know. You’ve been open and honest with me. I can only and want only to do the same. Plus,” he added with a wiggle of the brow, “I’m okay with feeding your addiction to knowledge.”
Liz’s laughter filled the suite. Oh her friend knew her so well. “You’re such an enabler.”
He just shrugged.
“Okay, I thought you said you didn’t think Guardians could appear to mortals.”
“Right. I didn’t think we were allowed.”
“So you broke these rules when you appeared to Isabel?”
“The moment I died I met with the Greater Beings,” Alex began narrating. “They filled me in on my new role, on the rules, on all these realities. And then they gave me a chance to absorb it all. The one thing that just replayed over and over in my head was that Guardians had the power to whisper wisdom in dreams.”
“And you thought of Isabel.”
“The very first thing I did was go into her dreams. And I saw her grieving, Liz.” His voice grew a little thicker and she could tell he was dealing with a mix of emotions. “As magical as prom had been, I never really knew the depth of her feelings for me. I don’t think she knew. She was grieving, yearning for me to be alive, having a dream version of myself tell her that I was. The night before you buried my body, I visited her again. This time I didn’t just observe or whisper, I projected myself into her dreams. Talked to her, though I told her it wasn’t really me. I let her know that I loved her. Let her say the things she needed to say to me.”
“Alex, I’m sure that meant so much to her,” Liz assured her friend. “I was hurting so much and we had a falling out at the reception after your funeral, so I didn’t really appreciate her pain at the time.”
“I think it did,” he agreed. “That’s why I appeared to her again a couple weeks later the night before she thought she was going to Antar. She was feeling so confused and lonely, I just couldn’t stay away.”
“Of course you couldn’t, Alex,” she affirmed. “But that was the last time? You haven’t appeared to her since?”
“Uh no. I got into a little bit of heat for that one.” He looked a bit embarrassed as he continued to speak. “The Greater Beings had apparently let the dream thing slide. I didn’t even know they knew about it. What a naive young Guardian I was. But actually appearing to an Embodied Being, that was not going to be allowed. So that was it. I’ve peeked in a few moments once a year or so since. Unfortunately, that was all I could risk. But I had to. I knew you and Maria would be okay, but I’ve been worried about Iz.”
“I’m sorry you can’t do more than that.”
“Me too, but it makes sense,” he offered with a lighter tone. “Guardians would never be able to do their jobs if they were constantly checking in on those they left behind. And if we could just pop in on whomever we wanted, it would probably blow the balance between realities or something.”
“And the universe would implode?” Liz offered in a lightly teasing tone.
“Something like that.”
“You have to have the willpower of,” she paused momentarily as she thought about whom she was talking to, “well, I guess a Guardian. I don’t know if I could be as strong.”
“Says the girl who managed to keep a painful secret from the boy she loved for the sake of that very same universe.”
“And maybe kept it too long,” she mused mostly to herself.
“Thinking about that again?”
“I’ve been thinking about a lot of things. Too many things. My brain has started to hurt from all the thinking I’ve been doing. Unfortunately I don’t think they make medication strong enough to -“
Liz’s words were cut off by a knock a the door. Scrunching her brow, she turned around to stare at the origin of sound.
“I don’t know why anyone would be visiting me now? Michael and I are doing coffee tomorrow and -“
Another knock interrupted her.
“Remember that ‘you’ll see’ thing?” he asked with a grin.
“Yes,” she replied uncertain why he was so amused.
“Well, you’ll see.”
Another knock, this one followed by a voice. “Hello in there. I totally heard you, Liz. I know you’re home.”
“Maria!” Liz exclaimed as she rocketed off the couch and ran toward the door.
“Come let me in, woman,” Maria demanded from behind the door.
“I am, I am,” she giggled back. A hand above the door knob, she turned back to tell Alex to stay only to find he had already gone. Liz was determined that one day the three of them would be together again, even if Maria didn’t know about it. Today just wasn’t going to be that day.
As Liz opened the door a shriek of joy emitted from both women’s mouths. A tight hug followed the shrieks.
“What are you doing here already?” Liz asked as she guided Maria into the suite. “And where’s your stuff?”
“The stuff’s at Justin’s. I stopped at his place before I swung by here and - damn girl, this place is sweet.” Maria moved quickly from the living area to the bedroom. “You have the biggest bed. How many cute boys do you think you could fit in here?”
“Maria,” Liz replied from the doorway, her attempt at a disapproving voice ruined by her laughter.
“And this bathroom,” her friend’s muffled voice exclaimed, “is gorgeous. A shower and a tub. Ooo, with jets.”
“Yes, with jets,” Liz echoed as she followed the sound of Maria’s voice. “You’re welcome to make use of it if you want. I haven’t gotten the chance but I think room service even has a bath bouquet with salts, oils, bubbles, and champagne.”
“Are you serious?” Maria asked as she came out of the bathroom and met Liz by the bed. “I have got to remember that when I become rich and famous.”
Liz laughed again as she bounced on the bed, Maria joining her.
“Ooo, good bounce.” Maria’s eyes twinkled with amusement as the girls moved to sit side by side against the headboard.
“So again I ask,” Liz continued once they were settled, “what are you doing here already? I didn’t expect you until tonight.”
“Oh, I’m sorry, did I ruin plans for a hot date with that bell hop who wanted you to know about the thick walls?”
“Well I’m sure he won’t mind if you want to join in,” Liz teased back, nudging Maria’s arm with hers.
“He’ll just have to wait for his night of fun because you and I have a wild afternoon and night ahead of us,” Maria promised with a grin. “That’s what motivated me to get my work done by last night instead of this morning. I handed in my last project early this morning and caught the first train out.”
“You, turning something in before the last minute? Maria, I’m so proud,” she giggled as her friend poked her side lightly.
“Well I did, just for you missy,” she insisted. “I dropped my stuff off at Justin’s and then thought I’d see if you were done early today, since your little council seems to like to take the day off frequently.”
“Well you’re in luck, here I am.”
“I’m glad I came over here as soon as I could then. Well, almost,” Maria corrected herself.
“Almost? Did you get lost on the way over?”
“No,” Maria rolled her eyes, “I got on the elevator with this kid who thought it would be just hysterical to press the buttons for all the floors.”
“And you didn’t get off at one and catch another elevator?”
“Well, no.” Maria shrugged faintly. “I was having too good of a time watching the kid laugh himself silly. That so is going to be my kid one of these days.”
An image of a kid with spiky hair and an impish grin rose up in Liz’s mind. Maria would probably kill her if she knew she still held out hope for a Michael and Maria blend.
“So, I’m thinking maybe some skating with Justin this afternoon since he’s got work tonight and then tonight you and I can hit some clubs,” Maria continued.
“Are you going to play?”
“Nope. Need a break. I may do a Christmas Eve show at 'The Living Room.'”
“Oh my god, Christmas.” Through the events of the past few days she had completely forgotten what season it was. She would have to remember to call her parents soon. They had been okay with her working through the break but it would be her first Christmas away from them. She really had better not forget to call.
“Yay babe, it’s in a little over a week. What did you think all the red and green decorations around the city were for? And that honky big tree in Rockefeller Center?”
“It’s been quite the week.”
“Sounds like. So,” Maria turned on her side to face Liz better. “What happened today?”
Liz groaned internally. Maria didn’t know that she had their other best friend as a sounding wall but she didn’t really want to go over everything again so soon.
“Can we do it later?” she asked gently. “I just want to skate and laugh and do that carefree thing for awhile.”
Maria scrutinized her for a moment before she nodded. “We can do whatever you want. You don’t happen to still have that limo do you?”
Liz shook her head. “Whitmore offered to drive me while the council was in recess but I told him to help Larek or go see his family if he could.”
“I suppose we’ll just have to make do with a cab,” Maria sighed melodramatically.
“Poor pitiful us,” Liz played along with Maria.
“Well,” her friend began as she sat straight up on the bed, offering her hand to Liz, “let’s take our pitiful selves out on the town.”
Taking Maria’s hand Liz added “Let’s skate away all our cares and let Justin entertain us with stories about life as a Broadway musician.”
“Let’s,” she agreed as she plopped off the bed.
As the girls headed out the bedroom Maria had to add “And remember Liz, the big green decorated thing by the rink is a, that’s right, a Christmas tree.”
Another “Maria” filled the suite followed by more peals of laughter.
Joking
You said the world was magic I was wide-eyed and laughing
We were dancing up to the bright side
Forget about your ego forget about your pride
And we will never have to compromise
And you were only joking
You were only joking brother
We talked about mothers kissing the wounds of our fathers
I could have been your sister I would have been your brother
You kissed me like a soldier heading for a war
I'm a dying man but I don't know what for
But you were only joking
You were only joking brother
You were only joking
You were only joking brother
Gravel and glass on the bottom of my feet
I bruised my heels on the swollen street
We were girls in bars, boys on the town
Bumping like a pinball off a careless crowd
You said good friends are hard to come by
I laughed and bought you a beer it's too corny to cry
Well sentiments given, sentiments lost
You shook it off with a smirk and a toss
You were only joking
You were only joking brother
- Indigo Girls
“I just sat there, watching what was going on, like everything was in a thick haze.”
Sitting cross-legged in the plush chair of her suite’s parlor area, Liz took a sip of warm tea. She had spent the last hour going over the events of the morning with her friend who had stretched his long body out on the nearby couch. An hour and she still had so much to say.
“It was like I was trapped or something.”
“Trapped?”
“Do you remember when I lost Max in the hall of mirrors?” Seeing Alex nod she continued. “That’s what this morning was like. I could see him but I couldn’t reach him. All I wanted to do was run up to him, shake him, apologize to him, let him apologize to me - whatever. I wanted to talk with him, to make sure yesterday afternoon in the park would not be the last real encounter we had. But I couldn’t. I had to sit there and play the diplomat instead of just being me.”
Something flickered across Alex’s face. He opened his mouth slightly, then closed it again.
“Go ahead, Alex. Say it.”
“I’m sure you were trapped by that role. But when it was over, when Max had said his piece and left, when you could be Liz instead of Larek’s second,” Alex echoed those words with a faint grin, his teasing easing the pain that had come from them only hours before, “you didn’t challenge Michael. You let him stop you.”
“I don’t know if ‘let’ is really the right word.”
A small breath of laughter. “That’s fair. But I know you, Parker. You certainly could have put up a better protest.”
“Michael has had to protect Max from terrifyingly real danger for quite a few years now. I don’t think there would have been any getting by him.” A look from Alex let her know he wasn’t buying it. “Fine. Even if I could have gotten him to let me go, he was right. Just because I want some sort of resolution doesn’t mean I should force Max to deal right now. That’s not fair.”
“Well, Liz, when is he going to deal?”
“I... I don’t know. I don’t know if I do have or even should have any say in it. I don’t know,” she uttered again with a small cry of frustration. “I don’t know, I don’t know.”
“I’m sensing a pattern.” Warm green eyes coaxed her out of her small tantrum.
“Sorry,” Liz sighed as she got up from her chair, moving toward the wet bar and the comforting herbal tea it offered. “I just hate this part.”
“Okay. I’ll bite. What part is that?”
“The part where things are up in the air and there’s no way of knowing how they’ll land or even how you want them to land.”
“So the part where you don’t have control over other people. Or even your own heart.”
Liz gave Alex her best attempt at a glare. “No one asked you for your brilliant insight.”
“Um-“
“Oh, all right. I did.” Pouring herself another cup of tea, she offered something of an apology. “Do you get some sort of special reward for putting up with me? You know, that halo you said you didn’t have?”
Alex laughed. “Maybe just a gold star.”
“You know I’m sorry I’m being so moody.”
“And you know that I don’t care what mood you’re in. You’re one of my girls. Dealing with your range of emotions is one of the perks.”
“Perks? Don’t you mean consequences?” Liz challenged with an arch of her brow.
“You say tomato, I say tamoto.”
Liz rolled her eyes at her friend’s words. He was laying it on kinda thick, but she knew he was also completely sincere.
“So Ms. Moody, how is Larek dealing with all this?”
Liz shook her head in sympathy as she sank back down in her chair. “It’s such a hard place for him to be in. If the council or even just Kivar on his own with the council’s knowledge gives Nicholas to Max, they’ll have blood on their hands. The blood of a killer and mindrapist, sure, but blood nonetheless.”
Alex moved out of his comfortable lounge, sitting up in attention after those somber words. “So you think Max would kill Nicholas?”
“I don’t think he wants him so they can catch a movie.”
“Now there’s a thought,” Alex replied with a humorously laugh.
“Isabel said that’s why he was here, to get Nicholas.”
The small crease in Alex’s brow at Isabel’s name did not go unnoticed. Liz made a mental note to find a way to bring that subject up soon.
“But not to turn him over to the council for a trial,” Alex continued the flow of their conversation.
“Of course not.”
“No,” he sighed, “of course not.”
Liz set her cup down on the coffee table in front her, freeing both hands so she could run them through her hair. “It’s just so hard. I understand why Max wants Nicholas, wants to get rid of him. He and Michael and Isabel can’t go back to their lives with the threat of Nicholas hanging over their heads. And it’s not like Nicholas didn’t hurt them before and hasn’t been sending random Skins to kill them for years. But Larek can’t exactly just sign off on premeditated murder. Not as the chair of a council working for peace.”
“Do you have any idea if Max would actually agree to the deal if he does get Nicholas?”
Liz just cocked her brow.
“Right, sorry,” Alex mumbled as he began lightly tapping the coffee table with his knuckles. Liz allowed herself a small smile. While she may tap out random rhythms Alex was currently rapping out the backbeat of one of The Whits old songs. He probably didn’t even know what he was doing.
“I don’t know how Larek does it,” Liz mulled out loud. “It’s not like I’m a stranger to conflict or tough choices, but he does this all the time. Dealing with stuff this heavy every several years is enough to send me over the edge, as you have seen. I don’t know how he manages to keep his cool.”
“Maybe that’s what comes from a lifetime of playing peacemaker.”
Liz found herself recalling Larek’s comment about his friendship with Rath and Zan. That history was another subject she would have to remember to pursue.
“Playing peacemaker with men like Max and Kivar would take a lifetime of preparation.”
Nodding in agreement, Alex adjusted his body so he was facing her more fully. “So speaking of Kivar, I talked to the Greater Beings about him for you.”
Liz was slightly startled. “Oh, I completely forgot you were going to investigate what was going on with him.”
“With everything that’s gone on with you, I’m not surprised.”
“What did they say?” she prompted.
“They said, and I quote, ‘Kivar himself will not seek to harm her.’”
Liz made a face. “And what exactly does that mean?”
“Uh, that’s the funny thing about these Greater Beings. What they say can be cryptic and have a variety of different meanings. Makes my job assignments real fun.”
“So danger somehow involving Kivar isn’t out of the realm of possibilities.”
“Safe to say no.”
“Well, that’s not too shocking.” Liz tried her best to sound nonchalant but didn’t really succeed. It was hard to brush off the reality that she might be harmed in more ways than emotionally. Somehow not knowing what these Greater Beings had to say had been easier. Their cryptic message made the possibility of danger all the more real.
And for her it was just a possibility.
The middle of her chest felt like it was being pulled inward from some deep recess of her body. Max, Michael, and Isabel - they had lived with not just a possibility but a sure actuality of danger. After the jellyfish queen incident they hadn’t had any real outside trouble with alien enemies or diseases (Brody’s Larek-memory-induced crazy period and Tess in general notwithstanding). She had forgotten what it was like live in the constant awareness that your life was in danger. Maybe she should encourage Larek to give Nicholas to Max even if it wasn’t the high moral road or she wasn’t sure Max would actually work with the council after he got what he wanted.
“Liz,” Alex’s soft voice called her out of her thoughts. “The look on your face. Are you going to be okay? Just because they were cryptic doesn’t mean anything terrible will definitely happen.”
“What? Oh, I know. It’s not that, it’s not me.” Taking a chance she continued. “I was thinking about Max, Michael, and Isabel. How hard it’s been for them. The other day you mentioned you knew Isabel had a tough time over the past few years.”
Alex’s eyes narrowed for a fraction of a second at the same time Liz sensed a flicker of sorrow. “Yeah.”
“I- I was wondering how you knew.”
“About what?”
Was he being purposefully evasive or had she just been around Max too long?
“About Isabel.” Again a flicker of sorrow. “Did you ever watch her?”
Alex nodded lightly. “I admit I checked in on her from time to time. Not very often, though. Maybe once or twice a year. It’s not really allowed.”
Between his avoiding of eye contact, an old classic, and the shadow she was now sensing, Liz knew Alex was leaving something out. What wasn’t he telling her? What would he -
“You’ve appeared to her,” she blurted out in sudden awareness.
“What?” he asked sharply. Too sharply.
“Isabel. You’ve appeared to her like you have to me.” Guilt overwhelmed her senses and Liz quickly got up from the chair and sat next to him. Softly placing her hand on his leg, she pressed with her words, “Alex, why do you feel guilty about that?”
When his green eyes met hers her heart dropped. His eyes, which always shone with a warm and otherwordly kindness, were made extra brilliant with tears. She just had to push, didn’t she?
“I visited her but not you. Not Maria.” His voice was choked with tears he had not yet shed.
Liz reached out and pulled his head down to her chest. Stroking his brow she offered him the best solace she could. “I understand, Alex. I understand and I’m not hurt.”
He didn’t seem to hear her. “It’s just that Maria had Michael, you had Maria, and Isabel had no one. And it was only twice. Once in her dreams, once before she thought she was leaving Earth.”
“Alex,” Liz pressed hard, “I understand. I do.”
He lifted his head from her chest and looked deep into her eyes. Liz got the feeling he was trying to do her thing, sense the real emotion behind a person’s words. He could probe, sense, do whatever - she was speaking the full truth. Friends were meant to be understanding even beyond reasonable expectations. Alex had taught her that.
“Thank you,” he whispered softly. “I’ve been carrying that guilt for sometime.”
“Well to quote a certain wise friend of mine,” she began with a hint of a smile, “‘You need to let go of that guilt.’”
“Smart friend,” he grinned faintly back.
“He has his moments,” she teased.
Alex nodded as he stood up, a strange expression appearing on his face. Liz watched him walk over to the window of the room and peer down. She couldn’t help her smile. The first night she was here she had tried to match the comfort she found from her window at her home. While she hadn’t found this window to be particularly helpful, both Alex and Isabel apparently thought differently. When Alex turned around, he had a full grin on his face.
“What are you smiling about?” she asked lightly.
A “you’ll see” and a wink of the eye was the only response she got.
“Okay,” Liz replied, dragging out her vowels as she did.
“But before you do, do you have any other questions?”
“About what?”
He rolled his eyes. “About Isabel.”
“I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”
“Liz, you’ve told and showed me more than even the best friends often know. You’ve been open and honest with me. I can only and want only to do the same. Plus,” he added with a wiggle of the brow, “I’m okay with feeding your addiction to knowledge.”
Liz’s laughter filled the suite. Oh her friend knew her so well. “You’re such an enabler.”
He just shrugged.
“Okay, I thought you said you didn’t think Guardians could appear to mortals.”
“Right. I didn’t think we were allowed.”
“So you broke these rules when you appeared to Isabel?”
“The moment I died I met with the Greater Beings,” Alex began narrating. “They filled me in on my new role, on the rules, on all these realities. And then they gave me a chance to absorb it all. The one thing that just replayed over and over in my head was that Guardians had the power to whisper wisdom in dreams.”
“And you thought of Isabel.”
“The very first thing I did was go into her dreams. And I saw her grieving, Liz.” His voice grew a little thicker and she could tell he was dealing with a mix of emotions. “As magical as prom had been, I never really knew the depth of her feelings for me. I don’t think she knew. She was grieving, yearning for me to be alive, having a dream version of myself tell her that I was. The night before you buried my body, I visited her again. This time I didn’t just observe or whisper, I projected myself into her dreams. Talked to her, though I told her it wasn’t really me. I let her know that I loved her. Let her say the things she needed to say to me.”
“Alex, I’m sure that meant so much to her,” Liz assured her friend. “I was hurting so much and we had a falling out at the reception after your funeral, so I didn’t really appreciate her pain at the time.”
“I think it did,” he agreed. “That’s why I appeared to her again a couple weeks later the night before she thought she was going to Antar. She was feeling so confused and lonely, I just couldn’t stay away.”
“Of course you couldn’t, Alex,” she affirmed. “But that was the last time? You haven’t appeared to her since?”
“Uh no. I got into a little bit of heat for that one.” He looked a bit embarrassed as he continued to speak. “The Greater Beings had apparently let the dream thing slide. I didn’t even know they knew about it. What a naive young Guardian I was. But actually appearing to an Embodied Being, that was not going to be allowed. So that was it. I’ve peeked in a few moments once a year or so since. Unfortunately, that was all I could risk. But I had to. I knew you and Maria would be okay, but I’ve been worried about Iz.”
“I’m sorry you can’t do more than that.”
“Me too, but it makes sense,” he offered with a lighter tone. “Guardians would never be able to do their jobs if they were constantly checking in on those they left behind. And if we could just pop in on whomever we wanted, it would probably blow the balance between realities or something.”
“And the universe would implode?” Liz offered in a lightly teasing tone.
“Something like that.”
“You have to have the willpower of,” she paused momentarily as she thought about whom she was talking to, “well, I guess a Guardian. I don’t know if I could be as strong.”
“Says the girl who managed to keep a painful secret from the boy she loved for the sake of that very same universe.”
“And maybe kept it too long,” she mused mostly to herself.
“Thinking about that again?”
“I’ve been thinking about a lot of things. Too many things. My brain has started to hurt from all the thinking I’ve been doing. Unfortunately I don’t think they make medication strong enough to -“
Liz’s words were cut off by a knock a the door. Scrunching her brow, she turned around to stare at the origin of sound.
“I don’t know why anyone would be visiting me now? Michael and I are doing coffee tomorrow and -“
Another knock interrupted her.
“Remember that ‘you’ll see’ thing?” he asked with a grin.
“Yes,” she replied uncertain why he was so amused.
“Well, you’ll see.”
Another knock, this one followed by a voice. “Hello in there. I totally heard you, Liz. I know you’re home.”
“Maria!” Liz exclaimed as she rocketed off the couch and ran toward the door.
“Come let me in, woman,” Maria demanded from behind the door.
“I am, I am,” she giggled back. A hand above the door knob, she turned back to tell Alex to stay only to find he had already gone. Liz was determined that one day the three of them would be together again, even if Maria didn’t know about it. Today just wasn’t going to be that day.
As Liz opened the door a shriek of joy emitted from both women’s mouths. A tight hug followed the shrieks.
“What are you doing here already?” Liz asked as she guided Maria into the suite. “And where’s your stuff?”
“The stuff’s at Justin’s. I stopped at his place before I swung by here and - damn girl, this place is sweet.” Maria moved quickly from the living area to the bedroom. “You have the biggest bed. How many cute boys do you think you could fit in here?”
“Maria,” Liz replied from the doorway, her attempt at a disapproving voice ruined by her laughter.
“And this bathroom,” her friend’s muffled voice exclaimed, “is gorgeous. A shower and a tub. Ooo, with jets.”
“Yes, with jets,” Liz echoed as she followed the sound of Maria’s voice. “You’re welcome to make use of it if you want. I haven’t gotten the chance but I think room service even has a bath bouquet with salts, oils, bubbles, and champagne.”
“Are you serious?” Maria asked as she came out of the bathroom and met Liz by the bed. “I have got to remember that when I become rich and famous.”
Liz laughed again as she bounced on the bed, Maria joining her.
“Ooo, good bounce.” Maria’s eyes twinkled with amusement as the girls moved to sit side by side against the headboard.
“So again I ask,” Liz continued once they were settled, “what are you doing here already? I didn’t expect you until tonight.”
“Oh, I’m sorry, did I ruin plans for a hot date with that bell hop who wanted you to know about the thick walls?”
“Well I’m sure he won’t mind if you want to join in,” Liz teased back, nudging Maria’s arm with hers.
“He’ll just have to wait for his night of fun because you and I have a wild afternoon and night ahead of us,” Maria promised with a grin. “That’s what motivated me to get my work done by last night instead of this morning. I handed in my last project early this morning and caught the first train out.”
“You, turning something in before the last minute? Maria, I’m so proud,” she giggled as her friend poked her side lightly.
“Well I did, just for you missy,” she insisted. “I dropped my stuff off at Justin’s and then thought I’d see if you were done early today, since your little council seems to like to take the day off frequently.”
“Well you’re in luck, here I am.”
“I’m glad I came over here as soon as I could then. Well, almost,” Maria corrected herself.
“Almost? Did you get lost on the way over?”
“No,” Maria rolled her eyes, “I got on the elevator with this kid who thought it would be just hysterical to press the buttons for all the floors.”
“And you didn’t get off at one and catch another elevator?”
“Well, no.” Maria shrugged faintly. “I was having too good of a time watching the kid laugh himself silly. That so is going to be my kid one of these days.”
An image of a kid with spiky hair and an impish grin rose up in Liz’s mind. Maria would probably kill her if she knew she still held out hope for a Michael and Maria blend.
“So, I’m thinking maybe some skating with Justin this afternoon since he’s got work tonight and then tonight you and I can hit some clubs,” Maria continued.
“Are you going to play?”
“Nope. Need a break. I may do a Christmas Eve show at 'The Living Room.'”
“Oh my god, Christmas.” Through the events of the past few days she had completely forgotten what season it was. She would have to remember to call her parents soon. They had been okay with her working through the break but it would be her first Christmas away from them. She really had better not forget to call.
“Yay babe, it’s in a little over a week. What did you think all the red and green decorations around the city were for? And that honky big tree in Rockefeller Center?”
“It’s been quite the week.”
“Sounds like. So,” Maria turned on her side to face Liz better. “What happened today?”
Liz groaned internally. Maria didn’t know that she had their other best friend as a sounding wall but she didn’t really want to go over everything again so soon.
“Can we do it later?” she asked gently. “I just want to skate and laugh and do that carefree thing for awhile.”
Maria scrutinized her for a moment before she nodded. “We can do whatever you want. You don’t happen to still have that limo do you?”
Liz shook her head. “Whitmore offered to drive me while the council was in recess but I told him to help Larek or go see his family if he could.”
“I suppose we’ll just have to make do with a cab,” Maria sighed melodramatically.
“Poor pitiful us,” Liz played along with Maria.
“Well,” her friend began as she sat straight up on the bed, offering her hand to Liz, “let’s take our pitiful selves out on the town.”
Taking Maria’s hand Liz added “Let’s skate away all our cares and let Justin entertain us with stories about life as a Broadway musician.”
“Let’s,” she agreed as she plopped off the bed.
As the girls headed out the bedroom Maria had to add “And remember Liz, the big green decorated thing by the rink is a, that’s right, a Christmas tree.”
Another “Maria” filled the suite followed by more peals of laughter.
Last edited by Doublestuf on Wed Sep 07, 2005 1:36 pm, edited 1 time in total.
A better world has got to start somewhere. Why not with you and me?
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Doublestuf
- Enthusiastic Roswellian
- Posts: 56
- Joined: Tue Oct 09, 2001 4:58 pm
Part 15
Part 15
Hope Alone
Let’s not drag this out, everything’s in motion
Though I’ve only ever loved you kind and with devotion
I remember when I met you and even from the start
I thought one day you’d probably just come home and break my heart
It’s funny what you know and still go on pretending
With no good evidence you’ll ever see that happy ending
You were looking for your distance and sensing my resistance you had to do your will
I had to learn the hard way
We were just an empty dream too big for hope alone to fill
I know I’m a dreamer, so I’ll give you that
Still I hope I’m more than just a place you laid your hat
You’re a land of secrets, its only citizen
And though I paid my dues I was never allowed in
And so I am a stranger but especially today
As I get sad and lonely and you get your way
You were looking for your distance and sensing my resistance you had to do your will
I had to learn the hard way
We were just an empty dream too big for hope alone to fill
Holding out for change I know we never stood a chance
So I could only wait and watch you slip right through my hands
- Indigo Girls
“What?”
“An Amaretto Sour,” Liz shouted again, wishing not for the first time she had Maria’s ability to make her voice heard over however noisy a crowd.
The bartender who had that too-cute-to-be-straight look nodded and pulled a glass out from underneath the silver bartop. As he fixed her drink Liz tried to tell if Maria had made her way back from the restroom yet. They had been out on the floor for an hour or so and decided to take a break from the grooving to freshen up themselves and their drinks.
“Here you go, sweetheart,” the voice of the adorable bartender announced in her ear. She gave him money and he gave her the glass and a wink, one that even a woman without the ability to sense emotions could tell wasn’t meant as anything more than a friendly, even brotherly, gesture.
Yep, she thought to herself, too-cute-to-be-straight. Not that she was surprised. They were, after all, at a gay club. Justin had recommended the DJ to Maria and her earlier in the day; he knew him through the theater scene somehow. They had taken Justin up on his advice after a late dinner and she was glad they had. Not only was the DJ as good as he said, but the club itself had a nice set-up. A couple different levels for dancing, some more secluded places for conversation, and a few bars to provide the party-goers all their refreshment needs. The club, like most gay bars she’d gone to over the years, was full of gay men and straight women. A girl could have a great time, make some dancing friends, and not have to worry that anyone was trying to get her to go home with him.
This was just what she needed. Though Maria may have dressed her up after dinner as though she were out trolling for a man, form-fitting black pants matched with a shiny, and skimpy, backless kelly-green top, dramatic make-up and fun, flirty hair, being hit on was one of the last things Liz wanted to deal with tonight.
Taking a sip of her drink, Liz added one more item to this club’s list of good qualities. Its bartenders, along with being undeniably gorgeous, were not stingy when it came to mixing drinks. Between this drink, the wine from dinner, and the drink she had gotten when she first arrived at the club, which had also been generously made, she was filled with a nice, mild glow. She was lucky that alcohol did not do to her what it did to Max. Instead of losing all inhibitions at first sip, a drink could actually help mute her powers. Being in a place like this, full of people and full of emotions and impressions to sense, could be overwhelming for her. The glow she was currently sporting managed to dull the noise of those emotions. She didn’t drink in order to numb her senses but she didn’t complain about that side effect either.
Not seeing Maria on the edges of the dance floor or by the restroom, Liz moved toward the bottom level, thinking perhaps her friend ventured that way in search of a less crowded bathroom. Except, Liz realized as she reached the bottom of the stairs, this level was just as crowded.
Scanning the room of dancing bodies, Liz spotted a head of blonde hair that at least in the flashing lights that matched the beat of the song being played looked like it could be Maria. After setting her empty glass on a small table populated by other abandoned drinks, she pushed into the dancing masses in search of her friend.
The bodies that were blocking her way were also enticing her to join them in the dancing. Several men as she passed by invited her through body language to stop her search and explore the rhythm of the music with them. As tempted as she was to join one of these sociable men, she didn’t want to loose her friend. The Maria head kept moving deeper into the crowd and Liz had to follow it. The place was large and crowded enough that they might never meet up again.
“Maria,” Liz shouted over the music once she got closer to the blonde in front of her. “Maria.”
The Maria head didn’t turn around.
“Maria?” Liz shouted again this time with uncertainty in her voice. The closer she got, the more of the woman she could see and the more she realized that the woman she was following was not Maria. The long hair swept off the back of the neck in a twist appeared to be a shade or two lighter than Maria’s and the tunic shirt that seemed purple from a distance and in the midst of the multi-colored flashing lights looked like it actually might be red.
“Well, crap,” she muttered out loud as she stopped suddenly. She should have just used her senses to tell if this was Maria. Now she had no clue where her friend was.
No time like the present, she thought as she focused on those senses. It would be hard to find the bundle of emotions that made up Maria in the midst of all these people but maybe it would work. She knew Maria’s ‘signature’ of sorts better than anyone else. If she could find anyone this way, it would be her.
Reaching out, Liz tried to filter the swarm of feelings that threatened to consume her. Lust, amusement, pleasure, jealousy, boredom, joy, hate. Hate.
“Oh god,” Liz cried out softly as she struggled with the sensation that had just grabbed hold of her. Someone out there’s being was spilling over with forceful hate. A hate so strong it felt as though it was invading her every pore, burrowing itself into the marrow of her bones. Struggling with the sudden need to be ill, Liz ran through the masses to the edge of the dance floor. She steadied herself against a wall as she tried to process what she was receiving.
She had never felt a connection so strong. On a good day she could discern a specific emotion in a family of feelings. On a really good day she could vaguely discern the reason for the emotion. Right now what she was getting was coming through so strong and clear she wondered if she wasn’t actually reading thoughts. Whoever or whatever out there was looking at all these people dancing, looking and laughing in superiority. Looking and wanting to squash each and everyone of them.
Swirling around with this overarching hatred was a specific one. The source of these emotions was looking at one person in particular and feeling both great disgust and great glee. This source was planning, plotting, preparing to inflict a pain it felt way over due.
Evil. It was the only succinct way to describe what she was sensing. Evil was here in this club. Evil was here and it was powerfully intoxicating.
A faint semblance of reason told her she should try and block it out, find Maria and get the hell out of dodge. Whether her judgment was impaired by the sickening sensations or the simple liquor she had been drinking, reason was not her ruling force. Instead a potent need to seek this source out compelled her into the crowd once more.
Pushing through the club-goers, brushing past the gyrating bodies that no longer seemed inviting, Liz concentrated on the origin of those horrible sensations. As she centered in on the source, she magnified her efforts to contain the waves of emotion coming over her. Now even further intensified by her own amplification of the connection, the malice which both troubled and intrigued could easily overtake her. The music, the lights, the bodies pounding away to a beat she could no longer clearly distinguish, all faded out of focus as her energy went to both fighting the evil she felt racing through her veins and locating the source of that evil. Only these sensations and their source were clear. While she couldn’t see who was emitting this hate, she knew he or she was nearby.
Very nearby.
She needed to be able to visually locate it. Though she tried to move her concentration from her extra senses to her regular ones, from feeling this source to actually seeing it, she didn’t have much luck. She struggled with bringing the world around her back into focus. The shapes and sounds carried a Paul Klee-like quality to them: edges were rounded, colors muted, the music she knew to be loud no more than background noise. Though she knew something was very wrong, knew that she should be able to pull herself away from this link and back to the world, she kept moving toward the origin of this powerful connection.
Until her movement was stopped and her surroundings made most real by the hard body she collided with.
Her concentration interrupted, the strong connection suddenly severed, the world came rushing back to Liz and she felt herself falling as her normal senses were overwhelmed. Strong hands caught her body, stopping her fall before she hit the ground.
A new, markedly different feeling began to claim her. Warmth. The hands which were still holding onto her arms, skin against skin, radiated a heat that moved from the point of contact throughout her body until every pore faintly glowing. As this warmth spread it chased away that last remnants of the sickening shadows of hate that had coursed through her being.
Liz allowed her vision to follow the line of buttons on the black shirt, noticing with appreciation that the top two buttons were left undone. Smooth skin graced with a slight sheen caused by the heat of the club gave way to a glimpse of the soft ridges of a collar bone, the slight valley of the throat. Liz found her breath faintly labored even before her eyes made their way up to the face that belonged to those warming hands.
“Max,” she mouthed weakly once her vision set upon what were still the most haunting set of eyes she had ever seen. Perhaps she should have been surprised to find him standing here in this club with hands on her body that were keeping her from losing balance. Funny thing about ‘should have’s... Somehow she knew before she saw his face that the only person who could make her body tingly warm at the simplest touch was the one holding her right now.
Instead of attempting to speak over the loud music, Max, who didn’t appear the least bit startled to have Liz run into him either, slid his hand down her right arm until it caught her own. Liz’s labored breath all but stopped as his fingers interlocked with hers. Breaking eye contact and still saying nothing, he began to lead them both through the crowd. She followed him dumbly, only once they had gotten to the stairs remembering what she had been seeking before she became distracted by the sight before her.
Risking subsumption by those horrid feelings again, Liz reached out as she continued to follow Max. The evil emotions she had sensed were still there but they were fading away, as though the source of them was moving out of the club and out of her range. And maybe it was because of this new distance or maybe (and Liz suspected this might be more likely) it was because of this new cleansing warmth, she didn’t feel ill or overwhelmed as she connected to this fading malice.
What was Max doing, Liz wondered to herself as she continued following him up the stairs. Why was he here, holding her hand, not yelling at her, when the last time they had been together they had hurt each other so well. The last time she had spoken to him she had made pretty damn well sure he would never come near her again.
The last time... Her own thoughts triggered the realization that the last time she and Max had touched skin to skin had been that night which brought with it nothing but painful thoughts.
Don’t go there, Liz, she commanded herself as she tried to focus on anything but that. Well, anything but that and the fact that his palm touching hers paired with the interweaving of fingers gave her more stimulation and stoked the shallowly buried fires more than any of the make-out sessions she had enjoyed with other men over the years.
Max led them past the dancing on the upper level, through a brief corridor, and into a small alcove lit dimly by a single green pendant lamp. The cushioned benches that made the alcove inviting for conversation and other activities were not empty. Two women who appeared to be taking a break from heavy dancing were sipping on drinks as she and Max stopped at the entry to the alcove.
“Would you mind?” his low smooth voice filled the small space, drawing the women’s attention and interest. They both looked him over appreciation clear in their eyes, before smiling and offering gentle ‘sure’s. One of the women, a redhead with a sharp eye and an knowing smile, whispered “way to catch a live one” to Liz on her way out. Why this woman thought that in a gay club there would be anything going on between Max and her, Liz didn’t want to dwell on. She didn’t want to know if the heat she was feeling right now between them was palpable to others as well. Because if it was then she couldn’t keep telling herself it was all in her imagination, which was what she had been trying to do the last few minutes.
Max guided her to the bench across from the entrance, his hand slowly releasing its claim on hers as she sat down. No longer physically connected, she felt the warmth that had filled her earlier fade away. He took the seat perpendicular to hers, sitting close enough that their knees almost touched.
Within the dimly-lit space, Liz allowed herself a good look at the man who was taking his own time staring at her and the results of her Maria make-over. The black shirt matched with khaki colored pants, the hair slightly disheveled with a few pieces that fell in front of his eyes, all was a good sight to see. His appearance created a similar effect to the one he had made this morning. He exuded power. This morning it had been political power. Tonight, it was purely sexual.
Interrupting her undivided attention to his physical form, Max asked a question that caught her unguarded.
“How do I feel?”
Right. Perfect. These were the first words that popped into her startled head. What came out of her mouth, though a little different, was just as telling.
“Warm.”
“Excuse me?” he inquired with an arch of his brow. “What kind of emotion is that?”
Emotion? Sweet Mother of God, she realized. Emotion. She could tell by the heat quickly creeping up her neck and face that she was blushing. She had to hope the lighting was too dim for Max to notice. Here he had been referring to her advanced senses and she had been thinking about her basic ones. Her primal ones.
“Oh, you know,” she shrugged trying to appear nonchalant and recover with as much dignity as possible. “Just one of those that’s a little harder to describe.”
“But it’s enough that you could find me in a mass of people like this?”
Well now he was really confusing her. “I’m sorry, what?”
“Your gifts of advanced evolution,” he offered with a slight crease of his forehead, as though he wasn’t quite sure what she didn’t understand. “You sensed me out.”
Sensed him out? Last she checked, which was a minute ago while she was giving him the once over, he was still a blank slate. Too bad. She really would have liked being able to know what he was feeling as they had their mutual starefest. Had he been anywhere as disturbingly excited by the exchange?
“Um, actually, not exactly,” she muttered in answer. Instead of continuing down that path of conversation, she had to ask the question that had been roused the moment she saw him. “What are you doing here?”
“Trying to pick up a date. And you?”
“What?” Liz asked, briefly taken aback by his response. The stoic face in front of her morphed into, well, a stoic face with a hint of a smile. It was a joke. Max made a joke.
“Sorry,” she apologized with her own full smile. “I’m a little slow sometimes. It’s good to see you smile again.”
“It’s been awhile since someone made me want to.”
Even her toes tingled after that comment. Sitting here in this intimate space with the memory of his touch still reverberating within, being bewitched by the faint light in his eyes that gave her hope, she had to force herself not to rush immediately into areas of conversation she didn’t know if she was ready for.
“Michael’s sense of humor hasn’t gotten better, then?” she offered softly, avoiding the deeper layers of his statement.
The faint light in those eyes dulled as he replied. “He hasn’t really had much to find humor in.”
“Right, of course,” Liz mumbled as she quelled the urge to kick herself. What Max? You’re having a moment of mild joy? Don’t worry, I’ll make sure it doesn’t bother you for too long.
“Let me ask you the same question,” he continued with his serious expression firmly in place. “What are you doing here?”
“Um, obviously not trying to find a date?” she said with a half-smile. Her lame attempt at a joke didn’t seem to work. “Maria and I needed some fun. A friend recommended the place, and walla, here we are.”
“Fun?” Max asked incredulously as the serious expression was coated with confusion. Shaking his head, he continued in a slightly patronizing tone. “In case you didn’t notice, things were kicked up a notch today. Kivar is probably out there stirring up trouble after this morning and you’re doing what? Dancing the night away? Don’t you have any care for your own safety?”
“I did notice and I can take care of myself, Max.” Her reply was calm and cool. She would not let herself become angry so quickly. Not again.
“With your sparkling hands? I’m sorry but no matter how advanced you may be, there are some battles that can only be won by an experienced killer. I doubt you qualify.”
But he did, she thought, filling in the unspoken words. Her heart ached for him even more in that moment. His voice, though on the surface condescending, was laced with a pain similar to the one she heard the day he talked about being a monster. “Maybe not but I can sense danger, can pick up on evil intentions fairly well. I’ve done it before with more mundane situations and I did it tonight right before I bumped -”
“What do you mean you did it tonight?” Max quickly jumped in, cutting her off mid-defense.
Crap. She had planned on telling him about the evil she had sensed. Just not quite like this.
“Well,” Liz began slowly, “I lost Maria and so I tried to find her with those senses of mine. Instead I found someone who was pretty intent on hurting somebody else. I was seeking them out when I ran into you. It was a pretty strong connection, which was why I didn’t notice you before I bumped into you.”
“What?” he seethed as he leaned in closer, his body tense. “There was someone, something, here with a plan to cause someone pain or worse and you went looking for this thing? Damnit, Liz. Do you want to get yourself hurt? Do you not care about your life?”
“Why are you so worked up about this? I’m fine, nothing happened.” As she replied she squirmed a few inches away from him. Both his anger and the awareness that he was right to call her out on a stupid decision made her uncomfortable being so close.
“But something could have happened,” Max insisted firmly as he physically and vocally backed off a little bit. Her adjustment in seating had obviously not gone on unnoticed.
“But nothing did,” she assured him again, resisting temptation to touch the leg still so near to her in comfort.
“It’s a good thing I did keep an eye on you tonight,” he muttered partially to himself as he ran a hand through his already rumbled hair. “You could have gotten yourself or Maria seriously hurt.”
The way he said his last comment, as though he were a beleaguered self-appointed guardian or something, made Liz lose some of her calm exterior. While she didn’t burst out at him like she had before, she was no longer content to sit and listen to his disapproval. “Look, I don’t like being talked to like a little girl because I’m not. And why are you here? Why are you keeping an eye on me?”
If he referred to his comment about her getting hurt being a reflection on his kingship or something, she knew exactly what she was going to say.
“I think we went over this before.” Apparently he was going to make reference.
“And I think that’s bullshit.”
Max appeared briefly rattled by her reply. She hadn’t said it in too biting a way, but her refusal to take the lies that fell so easily between them clearly startled him. It kind of did her too.
“What do you want, Liz?” He closed his eyes momentarily, drawing on some inner source of strength as he spoke.
“I want the truth.” After the way she had handled his last attempt at honesty back in the park, she knew she didn’t deserve it. But she still wanted it. She couldn’t allow either of them to run from it any more. Not after the charge that had been passing through them tonight.
“The truth? Fine. I’m worried about you.” His voice dipped in volume as he spoke those words, as though he didn’t really want to be saying them. “There, happy?”
“You’re worried about me?” she parroted, not sure what else to say. His answer may have made sense to the outside observer but to Liz it was baffling.
He gave a soft, humorless laugh. “Liz, I’m always worried about you. Worried that you’re going to get hurt, that even though you’ve gotten away, some how my past would come back to find you. Worried that knowing me is going to keep screwing up your life even one iota as much as it’s screwed up so many others. Michael, Isabel, my parents, Alex.”
Liz opened her mouth, then shut it again. She wanted the truth but she hadn’t been prepared for it. She hadn’t wanted to let the past enter into this moment but she couldn’t help it. The man that was sitting beside her, telling her these things, didn’t match the man who had broken her heart, the man who for years appeared to have cared less about her.
“How can you say that to me?” she finally asked once she could find her voice again. It was an honest question, one that came from both confusion and hurt.
Max let out a deep sigh. “Because you asked for the truth and I’m tired of hiding it.”
Her resonance with his words shook her, making her momentarily mute.
“Kivar said something today about games and I actually understood the man. These games we play to keep each other in the dark, to protect ourselves, one another. Where do they get us Liz?”
Nowhere, Max. Absolutely nowhere. He was right, he was so right. They had been lying to each other for so long and for what? She couldn’t think of any reason to do it anymore, keep up the lies. He had been honest with her and she wanted to be just as honest with him. Taking a deep breath, Liz prepared herself to speak the words she had always hoped but never actually thought she would say.
“Max, I need to -”
“There you are, girl, and I see you’ve found a - Max.”
Both Max and Liz turned to the voice coming from the entryway. Standing in the space between the alcove and the corridor was Maria. A very angry Maria. A Maria who looked as though she might blast Max with her own green sparks had she been able to.
“What the hell is going on here?”
“Maria,” Liz said as both she and Max stood up, the intimate spell between them broken by her friend’s entrance. “I ran into Max and we were just talking.”
Maria flashed her an annoyed look. “I can see that. Why did you run into him? Why are you here, Max?”
“I, well, I, ” Max flustered in the face of Maria’s wrath. The man who could hold his own and then some with alien leaders, with an alien dictator who hated him fiercely, was intimated by this petite blonde woman. Liz didn’t blame him.
“He was just looking out for us,” she explained calmly. “Making sure no aliens caused us any trouble.”
“No aliens except for him, you mean,” the blonde huffed, arms crossing her chest, glare in her eye.
“I’m not here to cause trouble, Maria,” he insisted softly.
“It doesn’t matter,” Maria returned sharply. “Trouble follows you wherever you go.”
“I know that.” The way he spoke those words forced Liz to notice how Max’s whole demeanor had shifted with Maria’s entrance. Gone was the confident, powerful man who had taken command of the council this morning, who had taken her by the hand, no words necessary. In his place was this unsure person who appeared as though he didn’t think he had the right to challenge his accuser.
“At yet you’re still here,” Maria continued her tirade, “putting all of us at risk by your very presence.”
Before Liz could interject to defend him, Max replied. “Then I’ll go.”
No, she thought but for some reason didn’t say.
“Yeah,” her friend rejoined, “you do that.”
“Maria, you’re done,” Liz finally managed to spit out, drawing attention and mildly startled expressions from both of them. “Max, you don’t have to -”
“It’s fine,” he assured her with a minuscule smile, one so small she wasn’t sure she wasn’t making things up to comfort herself. “We can continue our conversation later.”
“Okay,” she agreed as she offered him an apology for Maria with her eyes. “Later.”
Max moved to leave the alcove but paused briefly as he passed by Maria who had turned to move out of his way.
“He misses you.” The words were soft, almost apologetic in tone.
“Not enough,” came the reply, anger briefly replaced with sorrow.
Max nodded curtly and then continued on his way. Maria stared at Liz, brow arched expectantly. Liz sat back down on the bench with a graceless thud, giving her friend an irritated “What?”
“Um, that’s my question. You know, as in ‘what were you doing up here with the Half-Blood Prince?’”
“Maria,” Liz rolled her eyes at her friend’s comment. “I love you but you have got to stop ragging on Max.”
“Are you serious?” Maria threw back in mild surprise as she took a seat on the other bench.
“Yes, he was actually here to help. And it was probably a good thing.” As Liz began to share with Maria what had happened, she realized how true those words were. “When I lost you, I tried to sense you out. Instead of finding you, I found something evil. Someone that had so much hate I thought it might overtake me. I literally ran into Max and the evil thing went away. And when he touched me, Maria, I felt so warm and good inside.”
“Okay, information overload. Something evil was here?”
Liz nodded. “And the connection I formed with it was stronger than any else I’ve formed with these senses of mine. I think I might have actually been reading his or her thoughts.”
Maria leaned in closer to her, a disbelieving expression spreading across her face. “And this isn’t suspicious to you?”
“What are you talking about?”
“You run into Max and those feelings stop. A strong connection. Reading minds...” Maria’s voice trailed off as she gestured with her hand as though to indicate she had just made a strong connection of a different sort herself.
“Maria, don’t even go there,” Liz warned as she realized what her friend was trying to insinuate. “Max was not the person I was sensing. You know I can’t read a thing off him. You’re not making any sense.”
“I’m sorry. You’re right. Even though he may be a jerk, he’s not pure evil.” Though Maria may have been finished trying to incriminate Max of something ridiculous, she wasn’t done throwing accusations his way. “But this evil was obviously connected with him. I mean, it left the moment you ran into him. Something is going on, Liz. Maybe one of his enemies was here tonight, watching him watching you.”
“Maybe it was just a mentally deranged serial killer who I could sense so well because he’s imbalanced. Anything’s possible.”
“But some things are more likely.”
“Get over it, Maria,” she grit out forcefully. She loved her friend dearly and appreciated the concern but sometimes it was just too much.
“Fine, over it,” Maria said, backing off... however briefly. “What I’m not over is finding you up here, making googly eyes at him again.”
“I wasn’t making googly eyes,” Liz quickly denied, squirming for the second time that night.
“Maybe, but you totally wanted his magical healing touch all over you.”
“It wasn’t like that,” she immediately insisted, only to notice the unconvincing nature of her own voice. “Okay, fine. I can’t help it Maria. He does things to me, things no one else ever has. But that wasn’t what you saw going on.”
“What did I see?”
“We were,” she paused briefly as she struggled to find the right words. “We were getting past all the walls we’ve both been putting up. He was being honest with me, I could feel it. He was being honest with me and I wanted to be honest right back with him.”
“What do you mean?” Maria asked in a low voice.
“I want to tell him the truth.”
“You mean THE truth?”
“Yes.”
“Liz, what the hell are you thinking?”
She was surprised by the force and censure in Maria’s voice. “What?”
“Do you remember why you decided not to tell Max, why we decided not to tell Michael?”
“Well, because...”
“Because it would more likely do more harm than good,” Maria filled in slowly, making sure Liz heard each and every word.
“But Maria, what if we were wrong, what if I was wrong?” Liz challenged in self-accusatory tones. “What if keeping everything a secret only did more harm?”
Her friend took a deep breath, dipped her head slightly, and began rubbing her temples, a Maria sign of deep frustration. When she lifted her head again, she appeared a little more calm, though no less disapproving, “Okay. Say you were wrong. Why tell him now?”
“Because he has a right to know,” she justified with too quick of an ease.
“Nope. Try it again.”
“I’m sorry?”
“That’s not why you want to tell him.”
“Then what’s the reason?” Liz asked as she flipped her hands out in frustration.
“You want to tell him so you can stop feeling guilty every time you look at him. You don’t want to tell Max for him, you want to tell him for you.”
“I...” Damn, that hit a little too close to home.
“And how fair is that, Liz?” she inquired gently.
Not answering the question, Liz responded to Maria’s previous statement. “No, Maria. You’re wrong. I do want to tell Max for his own sake. I want him to know because he deserves the truth.”
“All right,” Maria sighed in continued frustration. “Say that’s true. Say telling Max the truth is the right thing. But why do you want to do it now?”
“Now?”
“You know, now when he’s dealing with all this alien craziness. Why do you want to bring this old pain back to the surface now?”
“I think it’s already there, Maria,” she replied flatly.
“Fine. You want to make him process that pain, deal in a new way, whatever.” The petite blonde stood up from her seat, filling up the small space with her dynamic presence. “Here’s how I see that happening. If Max is who I think he’s become, he’ll just find a way to throw it back in your face, if he even bothers to take his head out of his ass long enough to acknowledge you saved the world for him.”
“Maria,” Liz warned.
“I just don’t get why you think telling him is a good idea. I mean, dealing with the whole “you-have-to-stop-making-me-love-you” shit Future Max brought isn’t going to take up a lot of time or emotional energy, or anything.” Maria paused with her sarcasm to consider another thought. “Well I suppose it actually wouldn’t if he’s still King of the Jackasses. But since you’re trying to convince me he’s not, let’s run with that as our basic assumption.”
“Thanks,” Liz replied just as sarcastically.
“If Max even slightly resembles my old friend,” she began, her expression softening as Liz could sense the memories of that friendship filling her heart, “the one who I comforted the entire summer you were gone, the one who I saw try and hold on to you no matter how hard you pushed him away, the one who fell apart when you gave him that final shove... If Max has even a bit of that boy left within him, the truth will destroy him.”
“Maybe not” was Liz’s only reply and it sounded weak even to her.
“Liz, don’t fool yourself,” she gently cautioned as she sat back down beside her. “If the Max of old knew what you went through, what he put you through, and how he’s treated you since, it would kill him. And I don’t think your council needs a decimated Max right now.”
No matter what her issues with Max might be, Maria knew what she was talking about and Liz could no longer deny it. “God, you’re right,” she sighed as she put her head down in her hands. “I just don’t know what to do with all these stupid conflicting feelings. I don’t know what to do with Max.”
“Don’t do anything with him.” Liz’s head shot back up and Maria shook her own. “No, that’s not a dig or anything. Just let this be for now. Do what you have to do with the whole peace of the universe stuff and then after that you can think about telling him, about dealing with him as Liz to Max instead of council member to council member.”
She pondered that advice for a moment. “I suppose that would make the most sense.”
“Hey, look at that. I’m sensical for once,” Maria teased softly.
“I’ll mark it down on my calendar,” Liz replied wryly back, glad the tension between them was quickly dissipating.
“Speaking of calendars, don’t you have that meeting with an alien dignitary tomorrow on yours?”
“Um, yes,” Liz affirmed mildly uncomfortable. She hadn’t told Maria which alien dignitary, didn’t want to spring it on her right away. And after this episode, after hearing her small exchange with Max about Michael, Liz thought she’d take Maria’s own advice and wait to deal with that stuff later.
“Then let’s get you home so you can get some rest and I can try and forget why we’re all here on the island in the first place.”
As they got up from the benches, Maria offered one more comment. “He did look really good, though.”
“Maria?” Liz asked, surprised by what she just heard.
“What?” she replied with faux innocence. “I may not want him near you any more than he has to be, but I’m a heterosexual woman and I’m not blind. I get why you would be all googly-eyed at him, woman who doest protest too much. He looked hot.”
“Yeah,” Liz sighed in agreement. “He did, didn’t he?”
“But no matter how good he looks...”
“Don’t finish that thought,” she warned again, though this time with a lighter voice. As they made their way toward the club coat roam and entrance any reply her friend might have made was drowned out by the loud beat of the music.
Hope Alone
Let’s not drag this out, everything’s in motion
Though I’ve only ever loved you kind and with devotion
I remember when I met you and even from the start
I thought one day you’d probably just come home and break my heart
It’s funny what you know and still go on pretending
With no good evidence you’ll ever see that happy ending
You were looking for your distance and sensing my resistance you had to do your will
I had to learn the hard way
We were just an empty dream too big for hope alone to fill
I know I’m a dreamer, so I’ll give you that
Still I hope I’m more than just a place you laid your hat
You’re a land of secrets, its only citizen
And though I paid my dues I was never allowed in
And so I am a stranger but especially today
As I get sad and lonely and you get your way
You were looking for your distance and sensing my resistance you had to do your will
I had to learn the hard way
We were just an empty dream too big for hope alone to fill
Holding out for change I know we never stood a chance
So I could only wait and watch you slip right through my hands
- Indigo Girls
“What?”
“An Amaretto Sour,” Liz shouted again, wishing not for the first time she had Maria’s ability to make her voice heard over however noisy a crowd.
The bartender who had that too-cute-to-be-straight look nodded and pulled a glass out from underneath the silver bartop. As he fixed her drink Liz tried to tell if Maria had made her way back from the restroom yet. They had been out on the floor for an hour or so and decided to take a break from the grooving to freshen up themselves and their drinks.
“Here you go, sweetheart,” the voice of the adorable bartender announced in her ear. She gave him money and he gave her the glass and a wink, one that even a woman without the ability to sense emotions could tell wasn’t meant as anything more than a friendly, even brotherly, gesture.
Yep, she thought to herself, too-cute-to-be-straight. Not that she was surprised. They were, after all, at a gay club. Justin had recommended the DJ to Maria and her earlier in the day; he knew him through the theater scene somehow. They had taken Justin up on his advice after a late dinner and she was glad they had. Not only was the DJ as good as he said, but the club itself had a nice set-up. A couple different levels for dancing, some more secluded places for conversation, and a few bars to provide the party-goers all their refreshment needs. The club, like most gay bars she’d gone to over the years, was full of gay men and straight women. A girl could have a great time, make some dancing friends, and not have to worry that anyone was trying to get her to go home with him.
This was just what she needed. Though Maria may have dressed her up after dinner as though she were out trolling for a man, form-fitting black pants matched with a shiny, and skimpy, backless kelly-green top, dramatic make-up and fun, flirty hair, being hit on was one of the last things Liz wanted to deal with tonight.
Taking a sip of her drink, Liz added one more item to this club’s list of good qualities. Its bartenders, along with being undeniably gorgeous, were not stingy when it came to mixing drinks. Between this drink, the wine from dinner, and the drink she had gotten when she first arrived at the club, which had also been generously made, she was filled with a nice, mild glow. She was lucky that alcohol did not do to her what it did to Max. Instead of losing all inhibitions at first sip, a drink could actually help mute her powers. Being in a place like this, full of people and full of emotions and impressions to sense, could be overwhelming for her. The glow she was currently sporting managed to dull the noise of those emotions. She didn’t drink in order to numb her senses but she didn’t complain about that side effect either.
Not seeing Maria on the edges of the dance floor or by the restroom, Liz moved toward the bottom level, thinking perhaps her friend ventured that way in search of a less crowded bathroom. Except, Liz realized as she reached the bottom of the stairs, this level was just as crowded.
Scanning the room of dancing bodies, Liz spotted a head of blonde hair that at least in the flashing lights that matched the beat of the song being played looked like it could be Maria. After setting her empty glass on a small table populated by other abandoned drinks, she pushed into the dancing masses in search of her friend.
The bodies that were blocking her way were also enticing her to join them in the dancing. Several men as she passed by invited her through body language to stop her search and explore the rhythm of the music with them. As tempted as she was to join one of these sociable men, she didn’t want to loose her friend. The Maria head kept moving deeper into the crowd and Liz had to follow it. The place was large and crowded enough that they might never meet up again.
“Maria,” Liz shouted over the music once she got closer to the blonde in front of her. “Maria.”
The Maria head didn’t turn around.
“Maria?” Liz shouted again this time with uncertainty in her voice. The closer she got, the more of the woman she could see and the more she realized that the woman she was following was not Maria. The long hair swept off the back of the neck in a twist appeared to be a shade or two lighter than Maria’s and the tunic shirt that seemed purple from a distance and in the midst of the multi-colored flashing lights looked like it actually might be red.
“Well, crap,” she muttered out loud as she stopped suddenly. She should have just used her senses to tell if this was Maria. Now she had no clue where her friend was.
No time like the present, she thought as she focused on those senses. It would be hard to find the bundle of emotions that made up Maria in the midst of all these people but maybe it would work. She knew Maria’s ‘signature’ of sorts better than anyone else. If she could find anyone this way, it would be her.
Reaching out, Liz tried to filter the swarm of feelings that threatened to consume her. Lust, amusement, pleasure, jealousy, boredom, joy, hate. Hate.
“Oh god,” Liz cried out softly as she struggled with the sensation that had just grabbed hold of her. Someone out there’s being was spilling over with forceful hate. A hate so strong it felt as though it was invading her every pore, burrowing itself into the marrow of her bones. Struggling with the sudden need to be ill, Liz ran through the masses to the edge of the dance floor. She steadied herself against a wall as she tried to process what she was receiving.
She had never felt a connection so strong. On a good day she could discern a specific emotion in a family of feelings. On a really good day she could vaguely discern the reason for the emotion. Right now what she was getting was coming through so strong and clear she wondered if she wasn’t actually reading thoughts. Whoever or whatever out there was looking at all these people dancing, looking and laughing in superiority. Looking and wanting to squash each and everyone of them.
Swirling around with this overarching hatred was a specific one. The source of these emotions was looking at one person in particular and feeling both great disgust and great glee. This source was planning, plotting, preparing to inflict a pain it felt way over due.
Evil. It was the only succinct way to describe what she was sensing. Evil was here in this club. Evil was here and it was powerfully intoxicating.
A faint semblance of reason told her she should try and block it out, find Maria and get the hell out of dodge. Whether her judgment was impaired by the sickening sensations or the simple liquor she had been drinking, reason was not her ruling force. Instead a potent need to seek this source out compelled her into the crowd once more.
Pushing through the club-goers, brushing past the gyrating bodies that no longer seemed inviting, Liz concentrated on the origin of those horrible sensations. As she centered in on the source, she magnified her efforts to contain the waves of emotion coming over her. Now even further intensified by her own amplification of the connection, the malice which both troubled and intrigued could easily overtake her. The music, the lights, the bodies pounding away to a beat she could no longer clearly distinguish, all faded out of focus as her energy went to both fighting the evil she felt racing through her veins and locating the source of that evil. Only these sensations and their source were clear. While she couldn’t see who was emitting this hate, she knew he or she was nearby.
Very nearby.
She needed to be able to visually locate it. Though she tried to move her concentration from her extra senses to her regular ones, from feeling this source to actually seeing it, she didn’t have much luck. She struggled with bringing the world around her back into focus. The shapes and sounds carried a Paul Klee-like quality to them: edges were rounded, colors muted, the music she knew to be loud no more than background noise. Though she knew something was very wrong, knew that she should be able to pull herself away from this link and back to the world, she kept moving toward the origin of this powerful connection.
Until her movement was stopped and her surroundings made most real by the hard body she collided with.
Her concentration interrupted, the strong connection suddenly severed, the world came rushing back to Liz and she felt herself falling as her normal senses were overwhelmed. Strong hands caught her body, stopping her fall before she hit the ground.
A new, markedly different feeling began to claim her. Warmth. The hands which were still holding onto her arms, skin against skin, radiated a heat that moved from the point of contact throughout her body until every pore faintly glowing. As this warmth spread it chased away that last remnants of the sickening shadows of hate that had coursed through her being.
Liz allowed her vision to follow the line of buttons on the black shirt, noticing with appreciation that the top two buttons were left undone. Smooth skin graced with a slight sheen caused by the heat of the club gave way to a glimpse of the soft ridges of a collar bone, the slight valley of the throat. Liz found her breath faintly labored even before her eyes made their way up to the face that belonged to those warming hands.
“Max,” she mouthed weakly once her vision set upon what were still the most haunting set of eyes she had ever seen. Perhaps she should have been surprised to find him standing here in this club with hands on her body that were keeping her from losing balance. Funny thing about ‘should have’s... Somehow she knew before she saw his face that the only person who could make her body tingly warm at the simplest touch was the one holding her right now.
Instead of attempting to speak over the loud music, Max, who didn’t appear the least bit startled to have Liz run into him either, slid his hand down her right arm until it caught her own. Liz’s labored breath all but stopped as his fingers interlocked with hers. Breaking eye contact and still saying nothing, he began to lead them both through the crowd. She followed him dumbly, only once they had gotten to the stairs remembering what she had been seeking before she became distracted by the sight before her.
Risking subsumption by those horrid feelings again, Liz reached out as she continued to follow Max. The evil emotions she had sensed were still there but they were fading away, as though the source of them was moving out of the club and out of her range. And maybe it was because of this new distance or maybe (and Liz suspected this might be more likely) it was because of this new cleansing warmth, she didn’t feel ill or overwhelmed as she connected to this fading malice.
What was Max doing, Liz wondered to herself as she continued following him up the stairs. Why was he here, holding her hand, not yelling at her, when the last time they had been together they had hurt each other so well. The last time she had spoken to him she had made pretty damn well sure he would never come near her again.
The last time... Her own thoughts triggered the realization that the last time she and Max had touched skin to skin had been that night which brought with it nothing but painful thoughts.
Don’t go there, Liz, she commanded herself as she tried to focus on anything but that. Well, anything but that and the fact that his palm touching hers paired with the interweaving of fingers gave her more stimulation and stoked the shallowly buried fires more than any of the make-out sessions she had enjoyed with other men over the years.
Max led them past the dancing on the upper level, through a brief corridor, and into a small alcove lit dimly by a single green pendant lamp. The cushioned benches that made the alcove inviting for conversation and other activities were not empty. Two women who appeared to be taking a break from heavy dancing were sipping on drinks as she and Max stopped at the entry to the alcove.
“Would you mind?” his low smooth voice filled the small space, drawing the women’s attention and interest. They both looked him over appreciation clear in their eyes, before smiling and offering gentle ‘sure’s. One of the women, a redhead with a sharp eye and an knowing smile, whispered “way to catch a live one” to Liz on her way out. Why this woman thought that in a gay club there would be anything going on between Max and her, Liz didn’t want to dwell on. She didn’t want to know if the heat she was feeling right now between them was palpable to others as well. Because if it was then she couldn’t keep telling herself it was all in her imagination, which was what she had been trying to do the last few minutes.
Max guided her to the bench across from the entrance, his hand slowly releasing its claim on hers as she sat down. No longer physically connected, she felt the warmth that had filled her earlier fade away. He took the seat perpendicular to hers, sitting close enough that their knees almost touched.
Within the dimly-lit space, Liz allowed herself a good look at the man who was taking his own time staring at her and the results of her Maria make-over. The black shirt matched with khaki colored pants, the hair slightly disheveled with a few pieces that fell in front of his eyes, all was a good sight to see. His appearance created a similar effect to the one he had made this morning. He exuded power. This morning it had been political power. Tonight, it was purely sexual.
Interrupting her undivided attention to his physical form, Max asked a question that caught her unguarded.
“How do I feel?”
Right. Perfect. These were the first words that popped into her startled head. What came out of her mouth, though a little different, was just as telling.
“Warm.”
“Excuse me?” he inquired with an arch of his brow. “What kind of emotion is that?”
Emotion? Sweet Mother of God, she realized. Emotion. She could tell by the heat quickly creeping up her neck and face that she was blushing. She had to hope the lighting was too dim for Max to notice. Here he had been referring to her advanced senses and she had been thinking about her basic ones. Her primal ones.
“Oh, you know,” she shrugged trying to appear nonchalant and recover with as much dignity as possible. “Just one of those that’s a little harder to describe.”
“But it’s enough that you could find me in a mass of people like this?”
Well now he was really confusing her. “I’m sorry, what?”
“Your gifts of advanced evolution,” he offered with a slight crease of his forehead, as though he wasn’t quite sure what she didn’t understand. “You sensed me out.”
Sensed him out? Last she checked, which was a minute ago while she was giving him the once over, he was still a blank slate. Too bad. She really would have liked being able to know what he was feeling as they had their mutual starefest. Had he been anywhere as disturbingly excited by the exchange?
“Um, actually, not exactly,” she muttered in answer. Instead of continuing down that path of conversation, she had to ask the question that had been roused the moment she saw him. “What are you doing here?”
“Trying to pick up a date. And you?”
“What?” Liz asked, briefly taken aback by his response. The stoic face in front of her morphed into, well, a stoic face with a hint of a smile. It was a joke. Max made a joke.
“Sorry,” she apologized with her own full smile. “I’m a little slow sometimes. It’s good to see you smile again.”
“It’s been awhile since someone made me want to.”
Even her toes tingled after that comment. Sitting here in this intimate space with the memory of his touch still reverberating within, being bewitched by the faint light in his eyes that gave her hope, she had to force herself not to rush immediately into areas of conversation she didn’t know if she was ready for.
“Michael’s sense of humor hasn’t gotten better, then?” she offered softly, avoiding the deeper layers of his statement.
The faint light in those eyes dulled as he replied. “He hasn’t really had much to find humor in.”
“Right, of course,” Liz mumbled as she quelled the urge to kick herself. What Max? You’re having a moment of mild joy? Don’t worry, I’ll make sure it doesn’t bother you for too long.
“Let me ask you the same question,” he continued with his serious expression firmly in place. “What are you doing here?”
“Um, obviously not trying to find a date?” she said with a half-smile. Her lame attempt at a joke didn’t seem to work. “Maria and I needed some fun. A friend recommended the place, and walla, here we are.”
“Fun?” Max asked incredulously as the serious expression was coated with confusion. Shaking his head, he continued in a slightly patronizing tone. “In case you didn’t notice, things were kicked up a notch today. Kivar is probably out there stirring up trouble after this morning and you’re doing what? Dancing the night away? Don’t you have any care for your own safety?”
“I did notice and I can take care of myself, Max.” Her reply was calm and cool. She would not let herself become angry so quickly. Not again.
“With your sparkling hands? I’m sorry but no matter how advanced you may be, there are some battles that can only be won by an experienced killer. I doubt you qualify.”
But he did, she thought, filling in the unspoken words. Her heart ached for him even more in that moment. His voice, though on the surface condescending, was laced with a pain similar to the one she heard the day he talked about being a monster. “Maybe not but I can sense danger, can pick up on evil intentions fairly well. I’ve done it before with more mundane situations and I did it tonight right before I bumped -”
“What do you mean you did it tonight?” Max quickly jumped in, cutting her off mid-defense.
Crap. She had planned on telling him about the evil she had sensed. Just not quite like this.
“Well,” Liz began slowly, “I lost Maria and so I tried to find her with those senses of mine. Instead I found someone who was pretty intent on hurting somebody else. I was seeking them out when I ran into you. It was a pretty strong connection, which was why I didn’t notice you before I bumped into you.”
“What?” he seethed as he leaned in closer, his body tense. “There was someone, something, here with a plan to cause someone pain or worse and you went looking for this thing? Damnit, Liz. Do you want to get yourself hurt? Do you not care about your life?”
“Why are you so worked up about this? I’m fine, nothing happened.” As she replied she squirmed a few inches away from him. Both his anger and the awareness that he was right to call her out on a stupid decision made her uncomfortable being so close.
“But something could have happened,” Max insisted firmly as he physically and vocally backed off a little bit. Her adjustment in seating had obviously not gone on unnoticed.
“But nothing did,” she assured him again, resisting temptation to touch the leg still so near to her in comfort.
“It’s a good thing I did keep an eye on you tonight,” he muttered partially to himself as he ran a hand through his already rumbled hair. “You could have gotten yourself or Maria seriously hurt.”
The way he said his last comment, as though he were a beleaguered self-appointed guardian or something, made Liz lose some of her calm exterior. While she didn’t burst out at him like she had before, she was no longer content to sit and listen to his disapproval. “Look, I don’t like being talked to like a little girl because I’m not. And why are you here? Why are you keeping an eye on me?”
If he referred to his comment about her getting hurt being a reflection on his kingship or something, she knew exactly what she was going to say.
“I think we went over this before.” Apparently he was going to make reference.
“And I think that’s bullshit.”
Max appeared briefly rattled by her reply. She hadn’t said it in too biting a way, but her refusal to take the lies that fell so easily between them clearly startled him. It kind of did her too.
“What do you want, Liz?” He closed his eyes momentarily, drawing on some inner source of strength as he spoke.
“I want the truth.” After the way she had handled his last attempt at honesty back in the park, she knew she didn’t deserve it. But she still wanted it. She couldn’t allow either of them to run from it any more. Not after the charge that had been passing through them tonight.
“The truth? Fine. I’m worried about you.” His voice dipped in volume as he spoke those words, as though he didn’t really want to be saying them. “There, happy?”
“You’re worried about me?” she parroted, not sure what else to say. His answer may have made sense to the outside observer but to Liz it was baffling.
He gave a soft, humorless laugh. “Liz, I’m always worried about you. Worried that you’re going to get hurt, that even though you’ve gotten away, some how my past would come back to find you. Worried that knowing me is going to keep screwing up your life even one iota as much as it’s screwed up so many others. Michael, Isabel, my parents, Alex.”
Liz opened her mouth, then shut it again. She wanted the truth but she hadn’t been prepared for it. She hadn’t wanted to let the past enter into this moment but she couldn’t help it. The man that was sitting beside her, telling her these things, didn’t match the man who had broken her heart, the man who for years appeared to have cared less about her.
“How can you say that to me?” she finally asked once she could find her voice again. It was an honest question, one that came from both confusion and hurt.
Max let out a deep sigh. “Because you asked for the truth and I’m tired of hiding it.”
Her resonance with his words shook her, making her momentarily mute.
“Kivar said something today about games and I actually understood the man. These games we play to keep each other in the dark, to protect ourselves, one another. Where do they get us Liz?”
Nowhere, Max. Absolutely nowhere. He was right, he was so right. They had been lying to each other for so long and for what? She couldn’t think of any reason to do it anymore, keep up the lies. He had been honest with her and she wanted to be just as honest with him. Taking a deep breath, Liz prepared herself to speak the words she had always hoped but never actually thought she would say.
“Max, I need to -”
“There you are, girl, and I see you’ve found a - Max.”
Both Max and Liz turned to the voice coming from the entryway. Standing in the space between the alcove and the corridor was Maria. A very angry Maria. A Maria who looked as though she might blast Max with her own green sparks had she been able to.
“What the hell is going on here?”
“Maria,” Liz said as both she and Max stood up, the intimate spell between them broken by her friend’s entrance. “I ran into Max and we were just talking.”
Maria flashed her an annoyed look. “I can see that. Why did you run into him? Why are you here, Max?”
“I, well, I, ” Max flustered in the face of Maria’s wrath. The man who could hold his own and then some with alien leaders, with an alien dictator who hated him fiercely, was intimated by this petite blonde woman. Liz didn’t blame him.
“He was just looking out for us,” she explained calmly. “Making sure no aliens caused us any trouble.”
“No aliens except for him, you mean,” the blonde huffed, arms crossing her chest, glare in her eye.
“I’m not here to cause trouble, Maria,” he insisted softly.
“It doesn’t matter,” Maria returned sharply. “Trouble follows you wherever you go.”
“I know that.” The way he spoke those words forced Liz to notice how Max’s whole demeanor had shifted with Maria’s entrance. Gone was the confident, powerful man who had taken command of the council this morning, who had taken her by the hand, no words necessary. In his place was this unsure person who appeared as though he didn’t think he had the right to challenge his accuser.
“At yet you’re still here,” Maria continued her tirade, “putting all of us at risk by your very presence.”
Before Liz could interject to defend him, Max replied. “Then I’ll go.”
No, she thought but for some reason didn’t say.
“Yeah,” her friend rejoined, “you do that.”
“Maria, you’re done,” Liz finally managed to spit out, drawing attention and mildly startled expressions from both of them. “Max, you don’t have to -”
“It’s fine,” he assured her with a minuscule smile, one so small she wasn’t sure she wasn’t making things up to comfort herself. “We can continue our conversation later.”
“Okay,” she agreed as she offered him an apology for Maria with her eyes. “Later.”
Max moved to leave the alcove but paused briefly as he passed by Maria who had turned to move out of his way.
“He misses you.” The words were soft, almost apologetic in tone.
“Not enough,” came the reply, anger briefly replaced with sorrow.
Max nodded curtly and then continued on his way. Maria stared at Liz, brow arched expectantly. Liz sat back down on the bench with a graceless thud, giving her friend an irritated “What?”
“Um, that’s my question. You know, as in ‘what were you doing up here with the Half-Blood Prince?’”
“Maria,” Liz rolled her eyes at her friend’s comment. “I love you but you have got to stop ragging on Max.”
“Are you serious?” Maria threw back in mild surprise as she took a seat on the other bench.
“Yes, he was actually here to help. And it was probably a good thing.” As Liz began to share with Maria what had happened, she realized how true those words were. “When I lost you, I tried to sense you out. Instead of finding you, I found something evil. Someone that had so much hate I thought it might overtake me. I literally ran into Max and the evil thing went away. And when he touched me, Maria, I felt so warm and good inside.”
“Okay, information overload. Something evil was here?”
Liz nodded. “And the connection I formed with it was stronger than any else I’ve formed with these senses of mine. I think I might have actually been reading his or her thoughts.”
Maria leaned in closer to her, a disbelieving expression spreading across her face. “And this isn’t suspicious to you?”
“What are you talking about?”
“You run into Max and those feelings stop. A strong connection. Reading minds...” Maria’s voice trailed off as she gestured with her hand as though to indicate she had just made a strong connection of a different sort herself.
“Maria, don’t even go there,” Liz warned as she realized what her friend was trying to insinuate. “Max was not the person I was sensing. You know I can’t read a thing off him. You’re not making any sense.”
“I’m sorry. You’re right. Even though he may be a jerk, he’s not pure evil.” Though Maria may have been finished trying to incriminate Max of something ridiculous, she wasn’t done throwing accusations his way. “But this evil was obviously connected with him. I mean, it left the moment you ran into him. Something is going on, Liz. Maybe one of his enemies was here tonight, watching him watching you.”
“Maybe it was just a mentally deranged serial killer who I could sense so well because he’s imbalanced. Anything’s possible.”
“But some things are more likely.”
“Get over it, Maria,” she grit out forcefully. She loved her friend dearly and appreciated the concern but sometimes it was just too much.
“Fine, over it,” Maria said, backing off... however briefly. “What I’m not over is finding you up here, making googly eyes at him again.”
“I wasn’t making googly eyes,” Liz quickly denied, squirming for the second time that night.
“Maybe, but you totally wanted his magical healing touch all over you.”
“It wasn’t like that,” she immediately insisted, only to notice the unconvincing nature of her own voice. “Okay, fine. I can’t help it Maria. He does things to me, things no one else ever has. But that wasn’t what you saw going on.”
“What did I see?”
“We were,” she paused briefly as she struggled to find the right words. “We were getting past all the walls we’ve both been putting up. He was being honest with me, I could feel it. He was being honest with me and I wanted to be honest right back with him.”
“What do you mean?” Maria asked in a low voice.
“I want to tell him the truth.”
“You mean THE truth?”
“Yes.”
“Liz, what the hell are you thinking?”
She was surprised by the force and censure in Maria’s voice. “What?”
“Do you remember why you decided not to tell Max, why we decided not to tell Michael?”
“Well, because...”
“Because it would more likely do more harm than good,” Maria filled in slowly, making sure Liz heard each and every word.
“But Maria, what if we were wrong, what if I was wrong?” Liz challenged in self-accusatory tones. “What if keeping everything a secret only did more harm?”
Her friend took a deep breath, dipped her head slightly, and began rubbing her temples, a Maria sign of deep frustration. When she lifted her head again, she appeared a little more calm, though no less disapproving, “Okay. Say you were wrong. Why tell him now?”
“Because he has a right to know,” she justified with too quick of an ease.
“Nope. Try it again.”
“I’m sorry?”
“That’s not why you want to tell him.”
“Then what’s the reason?” Liz asked as she flipped her hands out in frustration.
“You want to tell him so you can stop feeling guilty every time you look at him. You don’t want to tell Max for him, you want to tell him for you.”
“I...” Damn, that hit a little too close to home.
“And how fair is that, Liz?” she inquired gently.
Not answering the question, Liz responded to Maria’s previous statement. “No, Maria. You’re wrong. I do want to tell Max for his own sake. I want him to know because he deserves the truth.”
“All right,” Maria sighed in continued frustration. “Say that’s true. Say telling Max the truth is the right thing. But why do you want to do it now?”
“Now?”
“You know, now when he’s dealing with all this alien craziness. Why do you want to bring this old pain back to the surface now?”
“I think it’s already there, Maria,” she replied flatly.
“Fine. You want to make him process that pain, deal in a new way, whatever.” The petite blonde stood up from her seat, filling up the small space with her dynamic presence. “Here’s how I see that happening. If Max is who I think he’s become, he’ll just find a way to throw it back in your face, if he even bothers to take his head out of his ass long enough to acknowledge you saved the world for him.”
“Maria,” Liz warned.
“I just don’t get why you think telling him is a good idea. I mean, dealing with the whole “you-have-to-stop-making-me-love-you” shit Future Max brought isn’t going to take up a lot of time or emotional energy, or anything.” Maria paused with her sarcasm to consider another thought. “Well I suppose it actually wouldn’t if he’s still King of the Jackasses. But since you’re trying to convince me he’s not, let’s run with that as our basic assumption.”
“Thanks,” Liz replied just as sarcastically.
“If Max even slightly resembles my old friend,” she began, her expression softening as Liz could sense the memories of that friendship filling her heart, “the one who I comforted the entire summer you were gone, the one who I saw try and hold on to you no matter how hard you pushed him away, the one who fell apart when you gave him that final shove... If Max has even a bit of that boy left within him, the truth will destroy him.”
“Maybe not” was Liz’s only reply and it sounded weak even to her.
“Liz, don’t fool yourself,” she gently cautioned as she sat back down beside her. “If the Max of old knew what you went through, what he put you through, and how he’s treated you since, it would kill him. And I don’t think your council needs a decimated Max right now.”
No matter what her issues with Max might be, Maria knew what she was talking about and Liz could no longer deny it. “God, you’re right,” she sighed as she put her head down in her hands. “I just don’t know what to do with all these stupid conflicting feelings. I don’t know what to do with Max.”
“Don’t do anything with him.” Liz’s head shot back up and Maria shook her own. “No, that’s not a dig or anything. Just let this be for now. Do what you have to do with the whole peace of the universe stuff and then after that you can think about telling him, about dealing with him as Liz to Max instead of council member to council member.”
She pondered that advice for a moment. “I suppose that would make the most sense.”
“Hey, look at that. I’m sensical for once,” Maria teased softly.
“I’ll mark it down on my calendar,” Liz replied wryly back, glad the tension between them was quickly dissipating.
“Speaking of calendars, don’t you have that meeting with an alien dignitary tomorrow on yours?”
“Um, yes,” Liz affirmed mildly uncomfortable. She hadn’t told Maria which alien dignitary, didn’t want to spring it on her right away. And after this episode, after hearing her small exchange with Max about Michael, Liz thought she’d take Maria’s own advice and wait to deal with that stuff later.
“Then let’s get you home so you can get some rest and I can try and forget why we’re all here on the island in the first place.”
As they got up from the benches, Maria offered one more comment. “He did look really good, though.”
“Maria?” Liz asked, surprised by what she just heard.
“What?” she replied with faux innocence. “I may not want him near you any more than he has to be, but I’m a heterosexual woman and I’m not blind. I get why you would be all googly-eyed at him, woman who doest protest too much. He looked hot.”
“Yeah,” Liz sighed in agreement. “He did, didn’t he?”
“But no matter how good he looks...”
“Don’t finish that thought,” she warned again, though this time with a lighter voice. As they made their way toward the club coat roam and entrance any reply her friend might have made was drowned out by the loud beat of the music.
Last edited by Doublestuf on Wed Sep 07, 2005 1:42 pm, edited 2 times in total.
A better world has got to start somewhere. Why not with you and me?
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Doublestuf
- Enthusiastic Roswellian
- Posts: 56
- Joined: Tue Oct 09, 2001 4:58 pm
Part 16
Part 16
You've Got to Show
Yes it’s true I’ve gotten very moody over you
Don’t think I don’t sense your caution way across the room
Or across the phone lines, big black ocean, or conversation brief
We can’t find a clear connection, and I can’t get relief
Why don’t we both agree we’re both afraid and too afraid to say
If I say count to three and move toward me, would you meet me half the way
There are a thousand things about me I want only you to know
But I can’t do it alone, you’ve got to show
While you occupy me I command my dreams each day
To bring you in me even thinly as the morning chases you away
I half believe if I just picture us we will come true
Wishful thinking or my dreams sinking half depends on you
Show me you are fully alive
If you want to fly you take this dive
If you want to kiss, kiss for real
I’ll give you back everything you feel
Drive in space that peaceful place
You’d be my secret sharer
Front and back and all around the thin margin of error
Move too fast or move too or somewhere in between
Navigate the perfect distance so your getaway is clean
Why don’t we both agree we’re both afraid and too afraid to say
If I say count to three and move toward me would you meet me half way
There are a thousand things about me I want only you to know
But I can’t go there alone, you’ve got to show
- Indigo Girls
“What did you get?”Liz asked her friend as he sat down in the plush chair next to her.
“Some mocha-cinna-latte thing,” Michael grumbled as he gave the cup in his hand the evil eye. “I hate these kinds of places.”
Liz glanced around at the hectic Starbucks filled with suits and tourists alike getting their morning fix. Not exactly Michael’s cup of tea, er, coffee. “It is kind of crowded. Do you want to go somewhere else so we can talk more privately?”
“What? Oh, no. That’s fine. You might be surprised how much people in this town don’t actually seem to care about little conversations in the corners. Ugh,” he muttered as he took a sip of his drink, “that’s the problem. Why do they have to ruin perfectly good coffee by wimping it out with flavored syrup and whip cream?”
“You know, you probably could have ordered it plain black,” she advised with a tart smile.
“Yeah, but that burrito girl,” he practically growled as he gestured to the blonde barista at the cash register, “asked me if I wanted to try a - whatever it is I’m drinking - and the way she asked me... All sweet and sugary but with a hint of pain that she could bring if you didn’t do what she wanted. For some reason, I couldn’t say no.”
For some reason indeed, Liz thought as she tried not to laugh at poor Michael’s displeasure. Maria had conditioned this man so well that even years later women who slightly resembled her could unwittingly use that conditioning to their advantage. Michael was also, not too surprisingly, being a little misleading in his statement. The pain he was referring to wasn’t any sort of physical infliction. No, it was the pain he’d feel having disappointed the Maria-esque cashier.
“There’s always at least one like that, too,” he continued to complain, “at every store like this across the nation. That’s why I hate coming to these places.”
Since Michael was the one to suggest they meet at this particular location, she was a little confused. “Then why are we here?”
He just shrugged. “It’s close to your hotel. I realized before I called you that we hadn’t chosen a spot yesterday. Someone mentioned this place and it seemed easy.”
Liz raised a brow. “Is that someone Max?”
Michael grimaced at her observation and she briefly wondered if her words had come out a touch accusatory. She hadn’t meant them to. “I told him we were meeting. I didn’t want Maxwell’s silver hammer falling down on our heads if he spotted us talking when he was doing his usual surveillance. Might think we were up to something instead of just catching up. I thought we could both use a break from whatever mood he might be in this morning and that he could use a break from making sure you were safe.”
She took a sip of her drink to keep herself from blurting out anyone of the multiple questions Michael’s explanation stirred up. It was so thick with invitations to start talking about Max, she felt mildly overwhelmed. Instead of answering one of those invites, asking him the difficult questions so soon into their time together, she offered him a little peace of mind. “Thanks for the explanation, but no worries. I understand what you mean. In order to avoid a scene I didn’t tell a certain friend of mine where I was going or who exactly I was meeting.”
Michael just nodded at those words, not pressing any further. It seems he wasn’t ready to start talking about his lost love either.
They sat quietly in their respective chairs for a few moments, Liz sipping on her appreciated latte, Michael clearly debating whether or not to keep attempting to drink his. This was one of Liz’s favorite thing about her friendship with Michael. Being able to just sit in the silence with him, even the occasionally awkward silence, was a treat she had missed. While she may have found in Carrie a friend who reminded her of Alex, Liz had never met anyone who reminded her of Michael.
“Look, yesterday-” Michael began apologetically before Liz quickly interrupted him.
“Don’t worry about it. You did the right thing keeping me from going after Max. I realized it then and I still think it’s true.”
“I know,” he said, his confident reply bringing another smile to her lips, “but it still felt off. I haven’t tried to keep you from going after Max in years. It feels like we’ve moved way beyond that. I guess that’s what I’m trying to say.”
Liz’s heart warmed at his words. That was about as touchy-feely as Michael ever got, at least with anyone who wasn’t Maria. “We have, we definitely have.”
“Good,” he nodded curtly. “Now we’ve gotten that out of the way, tell me, have you figured out the secret formula for getting grease out of clothes?”
Liz just laughed. When Michael had been up in Boston and practically living with Maria, he constantly complained that the grease from working on his bike never came out of his stuff. If Liz was around when he was ranting, he would look at her, classic smirk on his lips, and say ‘You’re supposed to be the brain - why don’t you go figure that out.’ To which Liz would reply ‘You’re supposed to be the extra-terrestrial - why don’t you go wave your magic hand.’ It was a bit weird, but that jesting became a little ritual between the two of them. Sometimes it just came out as ‘brain’ followed by ‘E.T.’
“I’ll take that as a no,” he quipped with a grin.
“What can I say?” she tossed back with an impertinent look. “I’ve been a little busy with trying to keep up with school to work on becoming the next homemaking guru.”
Michael laughed softly. “When do you have to go back to that, back to school?”
“Uh...” she uttered gracelessly as she took a moment and a sip of her latte. School had been one of the last things on her mind during the past few days and she wasn’t actually sure. “I think reading period starts sometime after the first.”
“Many exams to prep for?”
“I guess. Wait,” she shook her head as she reconsidered her words, “I actually don’t. I’m doing a senior honors thesis so that means less exams. Of course, it also means super thesis fun. Strange, it consumed me so much this past semester and yet I haven’t thought about it once since I got here.”
“Alien stuff has that way of taking over your life,” Michael observed with considerable less humor than he had moments before.
Liz nodded and then took the opportunity to softly probe into his life.
“What do you do to stop yourself for being overtaken? How do you stop from going crazy?”
“What during these past few days makes you think any of us haven’t gone crazy?” he asked, some of his humor back, making Liz smile.
“Well, you all seem to be able to still coordinate your clothes. Some better than others,” she added pointedly as she scanned Michael’s ensemble. While he may dress it up for the council, on his day off he was back to baggy jeans, an old coat, and a Metallica t-shirt.
“Ha ha,” he replied flatly and then indicated to his shirt. “This helps me. Though I’m still not sure how I feel about that movie.”
She grinned at that comment. When the band’s movie came out, Maria had gone to see it multiple times in the theater. She had claimed her interest was from a musician’s standpoint - getting an inside look at what it was like to be in a successful group. Liz had played along like she believed her.
“I’ve got music, hockey, my bike,” he continued. “Hobbies, you know. Stuff to keep busy with that’s always there no matter where we may be.”
Liz nodded in appreciation. “And, um, the others? What do they do?”
“Isabel, she does a lot of reading. She’s got this blank journal that she carries around with her. When she sees a book she wants to read, she just copies the words from book to journal. Pretty handy.”
“Sounds like,” she agreed with a mental note to self to look into that option for next semester’s books. “I noticed when she stopped by that she wasn’t quite as, uh, future fashion model as she used to be.”
“I worried about that at first,” Michael confessed as he leaned forward in his seat. “It meant she didn’t have time or energy to obsess over those style magazines like she used to. Of course, her lack of flair is also thanks to our constant travel. We can’t exactly carry around suitcases of clothes and accessories with us.”
“No ever-changing pair of shoes?”
“No,” he smiled faintly. “Maybe I’ll suggest that to her.”
“So you don’t worry about her indifference anymore?”
“Not really. Those things, the clothes and the make-up, those aren’t what’s really important to her. They’re not what make her ultimately happy.”
Those layers Alex always talked about, Liz observed to herself as she set her empty cup down on the side table between their chairs.
“Not, of course, that she wouldn’t jump at the chance to go shopping for shoes if we ever get back our semi-normal lives,” he added thoughtfully.
“Of course,” she concurred easily. “So Isabel has her books, you have your band and bike, and...”
“And that’s it,” was his quick, sharp reply.
“Oh,” she mumbled as she shrunk back in her chair. She hadn’t meant to cross a line. It’s just, well, she didn’t know one was there.
“Shit,” Michael swore under his breath. “I’m sorry, Liz. That came out wrong.”
“It’s fine,” Liz assured the man, even though she wasn’t being entirely truthful. While she wished she could just shake it off, his tone had stung.
“No, it’s not fine,” he countered firmly. “It’s not fine at all. It’s not fine that I snap at you; it’s not fine that just the thought of what Max’s life has become sends me over the edge; it’s not fine that I don’t know what’s going to happen to him if this council doesn’t work.”
“Michael, it’s going to work,” she said softly as she reached over and lightly touched his arm.
“Maybe, maybe not,” he shrugged, unswayed by her attempt at comfort.
“No ‘maybe’s about it. I promised Isabel that we would make it work and I intend to keep that promise.”
Something about Liz’s words made Michael wince.
“What did I say now?” Her voice was smaller as she brought her hands back into her lap.
Michael uttered another sigh before he spoke. “Nothing. It’s just that I think a lot about the promise I made to you.”
“What promise?” she asked, confused.
“To bring him back to you.”
Liz’s heart constricted at his words. “Oh Michael, that was ages ago and you did bring him back. You got him back from that horrible place and right into my arms.”
“But how long did he stay there?”
She flinched.
“I just meant that I haven’t done a very good job of helping him find his way back,” he explained, his voice gentler in response to Liz’s expression. “He’s still just about as far from you, from me and Isabel, as he’s ever been.”
She sighed as she ran hands through her hair. “See, that’s what I just don’t get. You all go from town to town, looking for Nicholas, avoiding your enemies, and all you have is each other. I’m not doubting you or Isabel when you say Max keeps his distance. I just don’t get how he does it. How does he manage to keep himself separated from you when you all are never separated?”
Now it was Michael’s turn to sigh.
“He does the same thing from town to town. When we get a new clue, however vague it may be, and head off to the next place, the pattern starts again. He starts prepping, downloading maps and city plans or whatever else will help us know the lay of the land. When we get to the town or wherever it is we’re headed, sometimes it’s the middle of nowhere, he goes ahead and scouts out the place. And then while we’re there, he’s on-top of all the surveillance. Iz and I always get the easier shifts, easier in terms of time, place, and danger potential. We’ve tried to get him to let us do some more, take on more responsibility and risk. But he insists. Says it’s his job. It’s part of what comes with being fearless leader. I stopped arguing with him a long time ago. I just don’t have the energy.”
“So he’s taking this king thing pretty seriously?” Liz asked, wondering if being king was something Max was going to have a hard time giving up.
Michael contemplated her question before answering. “I don’t know if that’s it, exactly. He doesn’t talk about being king, never really mentions that part of our lives unless we’re dealing with other aliens. Yesterday’s meeting was the most kingy, kingliest, whatever, I’ve seen him.”
“So what’s it all about? Control?” That she could understand.
“Control, a need to protect. I’m not really sure.”
“So, this is how he avoids emotional involvement,” Liz surmised with sinking heart. “You and Isabel have things to keep you connected; Max has things to keep him detached.”
Michael nodded painfully. “It’s been real hard to watch. I used to have a brother. Now I don’t know what I have.”
She bit her inner lip to keep from tearing up at those words. Michael didn’t need to deal with her tears on top of his own stuff.
“And I haven’t even told you the scariest part,” he mumbled almost to himself.
Her body was immediately alert. “What do you mean?”
“I don’t...” his voice dropped off.
“Michael,” she pressed, “please, tell me. I can handle it.”
“Scary may not be the best word. We’re not talking evil clowns or ghost girls that kill you for entering their houses.”
“What are we talking about?”
“Max has these notebooks that really just freak me out.”
Liz arched a brow. “Does he write ‘redrum, redrum’ all over them?”
Michael shot her a mildly amused look. “No, they’ve got information. Massive amounts of information. Every bit of information we’ve ever collected. Details about our encounters with Skins, how we defeated them, what didn’t work. He includes possible Skin sightings, possible Nicholas sightings. Any comments by our enemies made about Nicholas, anything they don’t say about him.”
“That’s, huh, that’s quite a lot of stuff to keep track of. How does he organize it all?”
She was startled by Michael’s response - laughter.
“What?” she queried, forehead made wrinkly by the scrunching.
“To help himself get a better grip over it all, he makes these charts that make no sense to me but do to him. He tries to find patterns of location, of weaknesses, anything we can use to end the threat, to find Nicholas. I think he even has charts about the different colors our enemies wear, as if that might mean something. I’ve always thought those charts must have been your influence.”
“They are a useful tool,” Liz offered with a smile, sharing in Michael’s momentary amusement.
“If he’s not preparing for the next town, patrolling the town we’re in, or fighting our enemies, that’s what he’s doing. Working in his notebooks.”
“That’s it? That’s all he does?” She tried to keep the lump in her throat down as she asked those questions. Max’s life just seemed so... sad.
“Well, sometimes...” his voice grew softer again.
“Sometimes?”
“Sometimes I catch him doing something else.”
“Something what?” she prompted.
“Something a little less alien related.”
Why was he being so evasive? Even more evasive than usual for Michael?
“Michael, please,” Liz pushed as she held herself back from shaking him, something she really, really wanted to do right about now.
“I don’t...” he struggled to find the right words. “He just has this thing he carries in his wallet that he looks at. I think it reminds him of home, of everything that he left behind. Reminds him of why he fights so hard.”
“In his...” She wasn’t a dummy. She knew what he was talking about. “My picture?”
“He told you?” Surprise was a mild term of Michael’s expression.
“Not exactly,” she replied with a squirm. “I found his wallet and I... I couldn’t seem to stop myself.”
“Ah.”
“Horrible, I know.”
“Liz,” Michael said as he gave her an incredulous look, “remember who you’re talking to. I’m the last person to pass judgment on things like that.”
She smiled at the memory of their first moment of tentative friendship his words brought up. When he had returned her journal and said those kind words to her about having a friend and envying Max, she had hoped something would come of that moment, hoped they could find a way to be friends for the sake of Max if nothing else. And now they were friends, in spite of Max. Funny how things changed.
Except they apparently didn’t, not as much as she thought anyway. Max Evans was still staring at her, at least her picture version. This information didn’t conflict with what she thought she knew as much as it would have, say, a week ago. Her worldview had already been shaken up a considerable amount in a short amount of time. Still, it was a little hard to fully comprehend.
“So he just looks at it?” she asked a bit slowly. Actually speaking the words helped her to process Michael’s revelation. “At me?”
He nodded. “We all have something like that, something we hold on to from our lives before we lost them to this madness.”
“You have your own photo?” she inquired, her thoughts no longer focused on Max. Michael didn’t go around revealing a whole lot about himself easily. When he did, you had to follow through if you ever hoped to know him better.
“No. Images,” he explained, “those are burned into me. All I need to do is close my eyes and anything I want to remember is immediately in front of me. No, I’ve got one of those demo cds Maria made.”
“Oh, so you stare at that?” she teased gently, hoping her light humor would coax him to share more.
“No, smartass, I listen to it.” He smirked briefly before his expression turned reflective, his voice softer. “Anything to hear her voice.”
Perhaps slightly embarrassed that he had gone a little gushy, he added, “Even if it is a little more calm than I was used to.”
“No loud ‘Michael!’s filling your ear?” she joked, offering him the comfort and safety their humor allowed.
“Lucky for me she never used my name in any of her songs,” he chuckled, though even his laughter was sprinkled with audible loss.
“Well, she’s got a new one called 'Quasimodo,'” she countered and then smiled at Michael’s confused look. Apparently he didn’t remember that particular nickname Maria had for him. “Never mind.”
“She’s here now, in town, isn’t she?”
“Yes. She and our friend Justin are spending time together this morning, doing some last minute Christmas shopping I’m sure.”
“Do you think she’d want to see me?”
The naked hopefulness in his voice almost broke Liz’s heart all over again. She knew Maria wanted to see Michael just as she knew Maria didn’t think she wanted to see Michael. She had opened her mouth to attempt to copy a bit of the gentle diplomacy she had observed Larek use when she caught a sound in the periphery of her hearing. It caught her off-guard because it sounded like a laugh her ear knew well. It couldn’t be. There was no way, absolutely no way.
Liz focused her gaze to where she thought that laugh had come from and almost blurted out loud her thoughts upon viewing the sight.
No. Freaking. Way.
Liz decided she was having a streak of bad luck because even though she hadn’t mentioned the location of her meeting, Maria had just entered the exact same coffee shop with Justin by her side and a couple shopping bags in her hands. Her blond friends were currently about ten feet away from the pair of chairs she and Michael occupied. While Maria’s attention was on Justin and Michael’s back was to the store entrance, Liz knew it was only a matter of moments before the two collided.
“Michael, just so you know, Maria’s still a little- ”
“Liz! Hey, Liz!” came the call she knew she couldn’t avoid.
Michael’s startled expression was quickly matched by Maria’s. As Michael stood up to face his ex-girlfriend, Liz watched a range of emotions play across Maria’s face. Shock, joy, confusion, anger all came in rapid fire succession. Liz couldn’t see Michael’s expression now that he was facing Maria but she guessed his emotions only ran through the first two.
The heat between them was immediate, as it had always been. When Michael and Maria were in the same room, the air often felt electrically-charged. Today it was actually giving her gooseflesh.
Poor Justin. He was caught up in the storm and didn’t know what was going on. His pretty boy face was marred by the crinkles of confusion. Things were quite visibly not making sense to him. He probably knew who Michael was; Maria wasn’t the type to cut up pictures of ex-boyfriends - she was the type to use them as dart boards. While he likely recognized Michael as Maria’s ex, the cover story the girls had given him was likely conflicting with what he knew about the other man. She and Maria had told Justin that Liz was in town for some biochemist conference and yesterday she mentioned she was having coffee with a member of that conference so couldn’t join the shopping fun. Justin knew of Michael as a budding artist and part-time bad boy, not a scientist.
“Hey guys,” Liz exclaimed as she stood up and began quickly walking over to her friends, “what a funny coincidence to see you here. Almost as funny as when I ran into Michael after my meeting with that guy from my conference.”
Liz hoped the stress of her words were enough to keep Maria from accidentally blowing their cover when she came out of her Michael-induced haze. She wasn’t trying to lie to Maria about her meeting, just ease Justin’s confusion.
“Maria mentioned she saw a boutique by your hotel where I might find a gift for my mom and you know how picky that woman is,” Justin offered as way of conversation after seeing Maria wasn’t going to say anything. She was still in shocked silence. Liz wondered how many more seconds that would last.
“So what did you find?” Liz asked, nodding to the bag in his hands.
“We found my best friend talking with someone I was hoping not to see for a very long time. If ever.”
That was about, what, 3 seconds?
“I guess that answers my question.” Michael’s voice was strong, none of the hurt Liz knew she would sense if she tried coming through.
“So what is he doing here, Liz?” Maria asked as she turned her gaze onto her friend, arms crossed as she put on her best diva face. Now that her surprise had faded, Maria was not going to let Michael see her in anything less than her full commanding performance.
“We were talking. Catching up. You know, things friends should do when they run into each other after several years,” she stressed her story again as she noticed Justin shifting uncomfortably.
“Talking? Catching up? What happened to leaving things where they belong? What happened to keeping your distance from things that only hurt you?” Maria’s eyes were hard and angry but Liz knew through her friend’s words and her own senses that there was much more brimming underneath those eyes. Knowing the source of this anger gave Liz a little more patience to deal with her sometimes irrational friend.
“Spending time with friends is not something that’s going to hurt me, Maria,” she countered softly.
“Oh no? What about the time you got arrested at the Old Soap Factory? Or what about the time you were held hostage by Brody? Or what about the time-“
“Maria, lay off,” Michael’s sharp voice interrupted Maria’s ire.
The blonde's annoyance flared even more at that comment as she whipped her attention back to her ex. “Two years of not speaking to me and that’s the first thing you have to say? Nice, Guerin, real nice.”
“Two years of not speaking to you because you stopped taking my calls.”
“Because you kept saying the same thing in those short and sporadic calls. Can’t come home. Can’t live my own life. Can’t do anything except be Max’s bi-“
“Maria,” Liz exclaimed in soft, though firm, tones. Not only was she speaking about things that might peak Justin’s curiosity even more as she had never really explained the end of her past relationship, she was going way too far. This wasn’t like her. Okay, pushing the envelope was definitely like Maria, but not this anger. Anger like this was usually reserved for Max, whom she gave the blame for her ruined relationship. Michael had gotten away fairly clean in terms of her defaming. But she was on the major defensive this morning and extending her anger was apparently her way of quickly putting up walls. Liz knew that seeing Michael when she wasn’t prepared was tearing her up inside. And so she was lashing out.
“And instead of accepting that sometimes things are hard, you just didn’t want to deal,” Michael shot back, unfazed by the attention they were gathering.
“Not deal? Not deal?” Maria’s voice was bordering on a screech. “I think I dealt with the hard things that came our way pretty well. I’m not the one who refused to let himself be loved because of the danger in his life.”
“I got over that, Maria,” Michael snapped back, “but you never did. You never got over what my life meant for us. You never understood.”
“I understood, Michael. I just vainly hoped you would figure out you are more than the past and more than somebody’s second.”
The flash of unguarded emotion Liz caught from Michael propelled her to speak. “Both of you, this is not the time or place to have this discussion.”
Since they were still about ten feet apart and neither had been exactly quiet, Michael and Maria’s exchange had drawn the attention of a good portion of the store. No one may care for quiet conversations in corners, but a loud lovers’ tiff was another story. The awareness of so much attention was making Liz uncomfortable.
“Maybe Maria and I should go take a walk,” Justin interjected helpfully as he wrapped his bag-free arm around Maria’s shoulders, an act which did not go unnoticed by Michael. “We can meet up for lunch like we planned and maybe this one will be a little calmer.”
Maria was not amused. She shrugged off her friend’s arm and handed him her shopping bags. “I’m not a dog. And, anyway, you’re not the one that I need to walk with.”
Justin just sighed patiently, used to the dramatics.
Walking over to Liz’s chair, Maria passed Michael without so much as a look, grabbed the coat across the chair’s arm, and successfully ignored the tall alien on her way back.
“You and me, outside,” she ordered as she handed Liz her coat.
“Maria, you can’t keep interrupting and ending my private conversations,” Liz schooled, taking the coat but not putting it on.
“I’m, it’s not that, I just...” The diva was starting to crack. Anger was being washed away and replaced with a mixture of sorrow and vulnerability. As her friend looked her deep in the eyes, Liz knew she couldn’t refuse. Maria needed her best friend right now and that’s what she was going to get.
“Okay, we’ll walk. But then we’re coming back here and,” Liz added firmly, “I’m going to talk with Michael some more if that’s fine with him.”
Maria muttered an ‘okay’ and Michael nodded wordlessly, eyes fixed on the woman beside her. As Liz put on her coat, she noticed Maria regaining some of her composure. The other woman moved to open the door and then paused.
“I almost forgot to introduce you two,” she announced to the two men being left in the store. Years of performing had paid off - she was back in control of her voice again. “Justin, Michael. Michael, Justin. You two get to know each other while Liz and I take this outside. You have at least one thing in common. You both left me for other men.”
Justin’s casual “I didn’t know you were gay” to Michael and Michael’s befuddled look at him were the last things Liz noted as she rolled her eyes and followed Maria outside into the cold mid-morning air.
You've Got to Show
Yes it’s true I’ve gotten very moody over you
Don’t think I don’t sense your caution way across the room
Or across the phone lines, big black ocean, or conversation brief
We can’t find a clear connection, and I can’t get relief
Why don’t we both agree we’re both afraid and too afraid to say
If I say count to three and move toward me, would you meet me half the way
There are a thousand things about me I want only you to know
But I can’t do it alone, you’ve got to show
While you occupy me I command my dreams each day
To bring you in me even thinly as the morning chases you away
I half believe if I just picture us we will come true
Wishful thinking or my dreams sinking half depends on you
Show me you are fully alive
If you want to fly you take this dive
If you want to kiss, kiss for real
I’ll give you back everything you feel
Drive in space that peaceful place
You’d be my secret sharer
Front and back and all around the thin margin of error
Move too fast or move too or somewhere in between
Navigate the perfect distance so your getaway is clean
Why don’t we both agree we’re both afraid and too afraid to say
If I say count to three and move toward me would you meet me half way
There are a thousand things about me I want only you to know
But I can’t go there alone, you’ve got to show
- Indigo Girls
“What did you get?”Liz asked her friend as he sat down in the plush chair next to her.
“Some mocha-cinna-latte thing,” Michael grumbled as he gave the cup in his hand the evil eye. “I hate these kinds of places.”
Liz glanced around at the hectic Starbucks filled with suits and tourists alike getting their morning fix. Not exactly Michael’s cup of tea, er, coffee. “It is kind of crowded. Do you want to go somewhere else so we can talk more privately?”
“What? Oh, no. That’s fine. You might be surprised how much people in this town don’t actually seem to care about little conversations in the corners. Ugh,” he muttered as he took a sip of his drink, “that’s the problem. Why do they have to ruin perfectly good coffee by wimping it out with flavored syrup and whip cream?”
“You know, you probably could have ordered it plain black,” she advised with a tart smile.
“Yeah, but that burrito girl,” he practically growled as he gestured to the blonde barista at the cash register, “asked me if I wanted to try a - whatever it is I’m drinking - and the way she asked me... All sweet and sugary but with a hint of pain that she could bring if you didn’t do what she wanted. For some reason, I couldn’t say no.”
For some reason indeed, Liz thought as she tried not to laugh at poor Michael’s displeasure. Maria had conditioned this man so well that even years later women who slightly resembled her could unwittingly use that conditioning to their advantage. Michael was also, not too surprisingly, being a little misleading in his statement. The pain he was referring to wasn’t any sort of physical infliction. No, it was the pain he’d feel having disappointed the Maria-esque cashier.
“There’s always at least one like that, too,” he continued to complain, “at every store like this across the nation. That’s why I hate coming to these places.”
Since Michael was the one to suggest they meet at this particular location, she was a little confused. “Then why are we here?”
He just shrugged. “It’s close to your hotel. I realized before I called you that we hadn’t chosen a spot yesterday. Someone mentioned this place and it seemed easy.”
Liz raised a brow. “Is that someone Max?”
Michael grimaced at her observation and she briefly wondered if her words had come out a touch accusatory. She hadn’t meant them to. “I told him we were meeting. I didn’t want Maxwell’s silver hammer falling down on our heads if he spotted us talking when he was doing his usual surveillance. Might think we were up to something instead of just catching up. I thought we could both use a break from whatever mood he might be in this morning and that he could use a break from making sure you were safe.”
She took a sip of her drink to keep herself from blurting out anyone of the multiple questions Michael’s explanation stirred up. It was so thick with invitations to start talking about Max, she felt mildly overwhelmed. Instead of answering one of those invites, asking him the difficult questions so soon into their time together, she offered him a little peace of mind. “Thanks for the explanation, but no worries. I understand what you mean. In order to avoid a scene I didn’t tell a certain friend of mine where I was going or who exactly I was meeting.”
Michael just nodded at those words, not pressing any further. It seems he wasn’t ready to start talking about his lost love either.
They sat quietly in their respective chairs for a few moments, Liz sipping on her appreciated latte, Michael clearly debating whether or not to keep attempting to drink his. This was one of Liz’s favorite thing about her friendship with Michael. Being able to just sit in the silence with him, even the occasionally awkward silence, was a treat she had missed. While she may have found in Carrie a friend who reminded her of Alex, Liz had never met anyone who reminded her of Michael.
“Look, yesterday-” Michael began apologetically before Liz quickly interrupted him.
“Don’t worry about it. You did the right thing keeping me from going after Max. I realized it then and I still think it’s true.”
“I know,” he said, his confident reply bringing another smile to her lips, “but it still felt off. I haven’t tried to keep you from going after Max in years. It feels like we’ve moved way beyond that. I guess that’s what I’m trying to say.”
Liz’s heart warmed at his words. That was about as touchy-feely as Michael ever got, at least with anyone who wasn’t Maria. “We have, we definitely have.”
“Good,” he nodded curtly. “Now we’ve gotten that out of the way, tell me, have you figured out the secret formula for getting grease out of clothes?”
Liz just laughed. When Michael had been up in Boston and practically living with Maria, he constantly complained that the grease from working on his bike never came out of his stuff. If Liz was around when he was ranting, he would look at her, classic smirk on his lips, and say ‘You’re supposed to be the brain - why don’t you go figure that out.’ To which Liz would reply ‘You’re supposed to be the extra-terrestrial - why don’t you go wave your magic hand.’ It was a bit weird, but that jesting became a little ritual between the two of them. Sometimes it just came out as ‘brain’ followed by ‘E.T.’
“I’ll take that as a no,” he quipped with a grin.
“What can I say?” she tossed back with an impertinent look. “I’ve been a little busy with trying to keep up with school to work on becoming the next homemaking guru.”
Michael laughed softly. “When do you have to go back to that, back to school?”
“Uh...” she uttered gracelessly as she took a moment and a sip of her latte. School had been one of the last things on her mind during the past few days and she wasn’t actually sure. “I think reading period starts sometime after the first.”
“Many exams to prep for?”
“I guess. Wait,” she shook her head as she reconsidered her words, “I actually don’t. I’m doing a senior honors thesis so that means less exams. Of course, it also means super thesis fun. Strange, it consumed me so much this past semester and yet I haven’t thought about it once since I got here.”
“Alien stuff has that way of taking over your life,” Michael observed with considerable less humor than he had moments before.
Liz nodded and then took the opportunity to softly probe into his life.
“What do you do to stop yourself for being overtaken? How do you stop from going crazy?”
“What during these past few days makes you think any of us haven’t gone crazy?” he asked, some of his humor back, making Liz smile.
“Well, you all seem to be able to still coordinate your clothes. Some better than others,” she added pointedly as she scanned Michael’s ensemble. While he may dress it up for the council, on his day off he was back to baggy jeans, an old coat, and a Metallica t-shirt.
“Ha ha,” he replied flatly and then indicated to his shirt. “This helps me. Though I’m still not sure how I feel about that movie.”
She grinned at that comment. When the band’s movie came out, Maria had gone to see it multiple times in the theater. She had claimed her interest was from a musician’s standpoint - getting an inside look at what it was like to be in a successful group. Liz had played along like she believed her.
“I’ve got music, hockey, my bike,” he continued. “Hobbies, you know. Stuff to keep busy with that’s always there no matter where we may be.”
Liz nodded in appreciation. “And, um, the others? What do they do?”
“Isabel, she does a lot of reading. She’s got this blank journal that she carries around with her. When she sees a book she wants to read, she just copies the words from book to journal. Pretty handy.”
“Sounds like,” she agreed with a mental note to self to look into that option for next semester’s books. “I noticed when she stopped by that she wasn’t quite as, uh, future fashion model as she used to be.”
“I worried about that at first,” Michael confessed as he leaned forward in his seat. “It meant she didn’t have time or energy to obsess over those style magazines like she used to. Of course, her lack of flair is also thanks to our constant travel. We can’t exactly carry around suitcases of clothes and accessories with us.”
“No ever-changing pair of shoes?”
“No,” he smiled faintly. “Maybe I’ll suggest that to her.”
“So you don’t worry about her indifference anymore?”
“Not really. Those things, the clothes and the make-up, those aren’t what’s really important to her. They’re not what make her ultimately happy.”
Those layers Alex always talked about, Liz observed to herself as she set her empty cup down on the side table between their chairs.
“Not, of course, that she wouldn’t jump at the chance to go shopping for shoes if we ever get back our semi-normal lives,” he added thoughtfully.
“Of course,” she concurred easily. “So Isabel has her books, you have your band and bike, and...”
“And that’s it,” was his quick, sharp reply.
“Oh,” she mumbled as she shrunk back in her chair. She hadn’t meant to cross a line. It’s just, well, she didn’t know one was there.
“Shit,” Michael swore under his breath. “I’m sorry, Liz. That came out wrong.”
“It’s fine,” Liz assured the man, even though she wasn’t being entirely truthful. While she wished she could just shake it off, his tone had stung.
“No, it’s not fine,” he countered firmly. “It’s not fine at all. It’s not fine that I snap at you; it’s not fine that just the thought of what Max’s life has become sends me over the edge; it’s not fine that I don’t know what’s going to happen to him if this council doesn’t work.”
“Michael, it’s going to work,” she said softly as she reached over and lightly touched his arm.
“Maybe, maybe not,” he shrugged, unswayed by her attempt at comfort.
“No ‘maybe’s about it. I promised Isabel that we would make it work and I intend to keep that promise.”
Something about Liz’s words made Michael wince.
“What did I say now?” Her voice was smaller as she brought her hands back into her lap.
Michael uttered another sigh before he spoke. “Nothing. It’s just that I think a lot about the promise I made to you.”
“What promise?” she asked, confused.
“To bring him back to you.”
Liz’s heart constricted at his words. “Oh Michael, that was ages ago and you did bring him back. You got him back from that horrible place and right into my arms.”
“But how long did he stay there?”
She flinched.
“I just meant that I haven’t done a very good job of helping him find his way back,” he explained, his voice gentler in response to Liz’s expression. “He’s still just about as far from you, from me and Isabel, as he’s ever been.”
She sighed as she ran hands through her hair. “See, that’s what I just don’t get. You all go from town to town, looking for Nicholas, avoiding your enemies, and all you have is each other. I’m not doubting you or Isabel when you say Max keeps his distance. I just don’t get how he does it. How does he manage to keep himself separated from you when you all are never separated?”
Now it was Michael’s turn to sigh.
“He does the same thing from town to town. When we get a new clue, however vague it may be, and head off to the next place, the pattern starts again. He starts prepping, downloading maps and city plans or whatever else will help us know the lay of the land. When we get to the town or wherever it is we’re headed, sometimes it’s the middle of nowhere, he goes ahead and scouts out the place. And then while we’re there, he’s on-top of all the surveillance. Iz and I always get the easier shifts, easier in terms of time, place, and danger potential. We’ve tried to get him to let us do some more, take on more responsibility and risk. But he insists. Says it’s his job. It’s part of what comes with being fearless leader. I stopped arguing with him a long time ago. I just don’t have the energy.”
“So he’s taking this king thing pretty seriously?” Liz asked, wondering if being king was something Max was going to have a hard time giving up.
Michael contemplated her question before answering. “I don’t know if that’s it, exactly. He doesn’t talk about being king, never really mentions that part of our lives unless we’re dealing with other aliens. Yesterday’s meeting was the most kingy, kingliest, whatever, I’ve seen him.”
“So what’s it all about? Control?” That she could understand.
“Control, a need to protect. I’m not really sure.”
“So, this is how he avoids emotional involvement,” Liz surmised with sinking heart. “You and Isabel have things to keep you connected; Max has things to keep him detached.”
Michael nodded painfully. “It’s been real hard to watch. I used to have a brother. Now I don’t know what I have.”
She bit her inner lip to keep from tearing up at those words. Michael didn’t need to deal with her tears on top of his own stuff.
“And I haven’t even told you the scariest part,” he mumbled almost to himself.
Her body was immediately alert. “What do you mean?”
“I don’t...” his voice dropped off.
“Michael,” she pressed, “please, tell me. I can handle it.”
“Scary may not be the best word. We’re not talking evil clowns or ghost girls that kill you for entering their houses.”
“What are we talking about?”
“Max has these notebooks that really just freak me out.”
Liz arched a brow. “Does he write ‘redrum, redrum’ all over them?”
Michael shot her a mildly amused look. “No, they’ve got information. Massive amounts of information. Every bit of information we’ve ever collected. Details about our encounters with Skins, how we defeated them, what didn’t work. He includes possible Skin sightings, possible Nicholas sightings. Any comments by our enemies made about Nicholas, anything they don’t say about him.”
“That’s, huh, that’s quite a lot of stuff to keep track of. How does he organize it all?”
She was startled by Michael’s response - laughter.
“What?” she queried, forehead made wrinkly by the scrunching.
“To help himself get a better grip over it all, he makes these charts that make no sense to me but do to him. He tries to find patterns of location, of weaknesses, anything we can use to end the threat, to find Nicholas. I think he even has charts about the different colors our enemies wear, as if that might mean something. I’ve always thought those charts must have been your influence.”
“They are a useful tool,” Liz offered with a smile, sharing in Michael’s momentary amusement.
“If he’s not preparing for the next town, patrolling the town we’re in, or fighting our enemies, that’s what he’s doing. Working in his notebooks.”
“That’s it? That’s all he does?” She tried to keep the lump in her throat down as she asked those questions. Max’s life just seemed so... sad.
“Well, sometimes...” his voice grew softer again.
“Sometimes?”
“Sometimes I catch him doing something else.”
“Something what?” she prompted.
“Something a little less alien related.”
Why was he being so evasive? Even more evasive than usual for Michael?
“Michael, please,” Liz pushed as she held herself back from shaking him, something she really, really wanted to do right about now.
“I don’t...” he struggled to find the right words. “He just has this thing he carries in his wallet that he looks at. I think it reminds him of home, of everything that he left behind. Reminds him of why he fights so hard.”
“In his...” She wasn’t a dummy. She knew what he was talking about. “My picture?”
“He told you?” Surprise was a mild term of Michael’s expression.
“Not exactly,” she replied with a squirm. “I found his wallet and I... I couldn’t seem to stop myself.”
“Ah.”
“Horrible, I know.”
“Liz,” Michael said as he gave her an incredulous look, “remember who you’re talking to. I’m the last person to pass judgment on things like that.”
She smiled at the memory of their first moment of tentative friendship his words brought up. When he had returned her journal and said those kind words to her about having a friend and envying Max, she had hoped something would come of that moment, hoped they could find a way to be friends for the sake of Max if nothing else. And now they were friends, in spite of Max. Funny how things changed.
Except they apparently didn’t, not as much as she thought anyway. Max Evans was still staring at her, at least her picture version. This information didn’t conflict with what she thought she knew as much as it would have, say, a week ago. Her worldview had already been shaken up a considerable amount in a short amount of time. Still, it was a little hard to fully comprehend.
“So he just looks at it?” she asked a bit slowly. Actually speaking the words helped her to process Michael’s revelation. “At me?”
He nodded. “We all have something like that, something we hold on to from our lives before we lost them to this madness.”
“You have your own photo?” she inquired, her thoughts no longer focused on Max. Michael didn’t go around revealing a whole lot about himself easily. When he did, you had to follow through if you ever hoped to know him better.
“No. Images,” he explained, “those are burned into me. All I need to do is close my eyes and anything I want to remember is immediately in front of me. No, I’ve got one of those demo cds Maria made.”
“Oh, so you stare at that?” she teased gently, hoping her light humor would coax him to share more.
“No, smartass, I listen to it.” He smirked briefly before his expression turned reflective, his voice softer. “Anything to hear her voice.”
Perhaps slightly embarrassed that he had gone a little gushy, he added, “Even if it is a little more calm than I was used to.”
“No loud ‘Michael!’s filling your ear?” she joked, offering him the comfort and safety their humor allowed.
“Lucky for me she never used my name in any of her songs,” he chuckled, though even his laughter was sprinkled with audible loss.
“Well, she’s got a new one called 'Quasimodo,'” she countered and then smiled at Michael’s confused look. Apparently he didn’t remember that particular nickname Maria had for him. “Never mind.”
“She’s here now, in town, isn’t she?”
“Yes. She and our friend Justin are spending time together this morning, doing some last minute Christmas shopping I’m sure.”
“Do you think she’d want to see me?”
The naked hopefulness in his voice almost broke Liz’s heart all over again. She knew Maria wanted to see Michael just as she knew Maria didn’t think she wanted to see Michael. She had opened her mouth to attempt to copy a bit of the gentle diplomacy she had observed Larek use when she caught a sound in the periphery of her hearing. It caught her off-guard because it sounded like a laugh her ear knew well. It couldn’t be. There was no way, absolutely no way.
Liz focused her gaze to where she thought that laugh had come from and almost blurted out loud her thoughts upon viewing the sight.
No. Freaking. Way.
Liz decided she was having a streak of bad luck because even though she hadn’t mentioned the location of her meeting, Maria had just entered the exact same coffee shop with Justin by her side and a couple shopping bags in her hands. Her blond friends were currently about ten feet away from the pair of chairs she and Michael occupied. While Maria’s attention was on Justin and Michael’s back was to the store entrance, Liz knew it was only a matter of moments before the two collided.
“Michael, just so you know, Maria’s still a little- ”
“Liz! Hey, Liz!” came the call she knew she couldn’t avoid.
Michael’s startled expression was quickly matched by Maria’s. As Michael stood up to face his ex-girlfriend, Liz watched a range of emotions play across Maria’s face. Shock, joy, confusion, anger all came in rapid fire succession. Liz couldn’t see Michael’s expression now that he was facing Maria but she guessed his emotions only ran through the first two.
The heat between them was immediate, as it had always been. When Michael and Maria were in the same room, the air often felt electrically-charged. Today it was actually giving her gooseflesh.
Poor Justin. He was caught up in the storm and didn’t know what was going on. His pretty boy face was marred by the crinkles of confusion. Things were quite visibly not making sense to him. He probably knew who Michael was; Maria wasn’t the type to cut up pictures of ex-boyfriends - she was the type to use them as dart boards. While he likely recognized Michael as Maria’s ex, the cover story the girls had given him was likely conflicting with what he knew about the other man. She and Maria had told Justin that Liz was in town for some biochemist conference and yesterday she mentioned she was having coffee with a member of that conference so couldn’t join the shopping fun. Justin knew of Michael as a budding artist and part-time bad boy, not a scientist.
“Hey guys,” Liz exclaimed as she stood up and began quickly walking over to her friends, “what a funny coincidence to see you here. Almost as funny as when I ran into Michael after my meeting with that guy from my conference.”
Liz hoped the stress of her words were enough to keep Maria from accidentally blowing their cover when she came out of her Michael-induced haze. She wasn’t trying to lie to Maria about her meeting, just ease Justin’s confusion.
“Maria mentioned she saw a boutique by your hotel where I might find a gift for my mom and you know how picky that woman is,” Justin offered as way of conversation after seeing Maria wasn’t going to say anything. She was still in shocked silence. Liz wondered how many more seconds that would last.
“So what did you find?” Liz asked, nodding to the bag in his hands.
“We found my best friend talking with someone I was hoping not to see for a very long time. If ever.”
That was about, what, 3 seconds?
“I guess that answers my question.” Michael’s voice was strong, none of the hurt Liz knew she would sense if she tried coming through.
“So what is he doing here, Liz?” Maria asked as she turned her gaze onto her friend, arms crossed as she put on her best diva face. Now that her surprise had faded, Maria was not going to let Michael see her in anything less than her full commanding performance.
“We were talking. Catching up. You know, things friends should do when they run into each other after several years,” she stressed her story again as she noticed Justin shifting uncomfortably.
“Talking? Catching up? What happened to leaving things where they belong? What happened to keeping your distance from things that only hurt you?” Maria’s eyes were hard and angry but Liz knew through her friend’s words and her own senses that there was much more brimming underneath those eyes. Knowing the source of this anger gave Liz a little more patience to deal with her sometimes irrational friend.
“Spending time with friends is not something that’s going to hurt me, Maria,” she countered softly.
“Oh no? What about the time you got arrested at the Old Soap Factory? Or what about the time you were held hostage by Brody? Or what about the time-“
“Maria, lay off,” Michael’s sharp voice interrupted Maria’s ire.
The blonde's annoyance flared even more at that comment as she whipped her attention back to her ex. “Two years of not speaking to me and that’s the first thing you have to say? Nice, Guerin, real nice.”
“Two years of not speaking to you because you stopped taking my calls.”
“Because you kept saying the same thing in those short and sporadic calls. Can’t come home. Can’t live my own life. Can’t do anything except be Max’s bi-“
“Maria,” Liz exclaimed in soft, though firm, tones. Not only was she speaking about things that might peak Justin’s curiosity even more as she had never really explained the end of her past relationship, she was going way too far. This wasn’t like her. Okay, pushing the envelope was definitely like Maria, but not this anger. Anger like this was usually reserved for Max, whom she gave the blame for her ruined relationship. Michael had gotten away fairly clean in terms of her defaming. But she was on the major defensive this morning and extending her anger was apparently her way of quickly putting up walls. Liz knew that seeing Michael when she wasn’t prepared was tearing her up inside. And so she was lashing out.
“And instead of accepting that sometimes things are hard, you just didn’t want to deal,” Michael shot back, unfazed by the attention they were gathering.
“Not deal? Not deal?” Maria’s voice was bordering on a screech. “I think I dealt with the hard things that came our way pretty well. I’m not the one who refused to let himself be loved because of the danger in his life.”
“I got over that, Maria,” Michael snapped back, “but you never did. You never got over what my life meant for us. You never understood.”
“I understood, Michael. I just vainly hoped you would figure out you are more than the past and more than somebody’s second.”
The flash of unguarded emotion Liz caught from Michael propelled her to speak. “Both of you, this is not the time or place to have this discussion.”
Since they were still about ten feet apart and neither had been exactly quiet, Michael and Maria’s exchange had drawn the attention of a good portion of the store. No one may care for quiet conversations in corners, but a loud lovers’ tiff was another story. The awareness of so much attention was making Liz uncomfortable.
“Maybe Maria and I should go take a walk,” Justin interjected helpfully as he wrapped his bag-free arm around Maria’s shoulders, an act which did not go unnoticed by Michael. “We can meet up for lunch like we planned and maybe this one will be a little calmer.”
Maria was not amused. She shrugged off her friend’s arm and handed him her shopping bags. “I’m not a dog. And, anyway, you’re not the one that I need to walk with.”
Justin just sighed patiently, used to the dramatics.
Walking over to Liz’s chair, Maria passed Michael without so much as a look, grabbed the coat across the chair’s arm, and successfully ignored the tall alien on her way back.
“You and me, outside,” she ordered as she handed Liz her coat.
“Maria, you can’t keep interrupting and ending my private conversations,” Liz schooled, taking the coat but not putting it on.
“I’m, it’s not that, I just...” The diva was starting to crack. Anger was being washed away and replaced with a mixture of sorrow and vulnerability. As her friend looked her deep in the eyes, Liz knew she couldn’t refuse. Maria needed her best friend right now and that’s what she was going to get.
“Okay, we’ll walk. But then we’re coming back here and,” Liz added firmly, “I’m going to talk with Michael some more if that’s fine with him.”
Maria muttered an ‘okay’ and Michael nodded wordlessly, eyes fixed on the woman beside her. As Liz put on her coat, she noticed Maria regaining some of her composure. The other woman moved to open the door and then paused.
“I almost forgot to introduce you two,” she announced to the two men being left in the store. Years of performing had paid off - she was back in control of her voice again. “Justin, Michael. Michael, Justin. You two get to know each other while Liz and I take this outside. You have at least one thing in common. You both left me for other men.”
Justin’s casual “I didn’t know you were gay” to Michael and Michael’s befuddled look at him were the last things Liz noted as she rolled her eyes and followed Maria outside into the cold mid-morning air.
Last edited by Doublestuf on Wed Sep 07, 2005 1:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.
A better world has got to start somewhere. Why not with you and me?
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Doublestuf
- Enthusiastic Roswellian
- Posts: 56
- Joined: Tue Oct 09, 2001 4:58 pm
Part 17
Part 17
Secure Yourself
In the ink of an eye I saw you bleed;
Through the thunder I could hear you scream,
Solid to the air I breath,
Open-eyed and fast asleep.
Falling softly as the rain;
No footsteps ringing in your ears.
Ragged down worn to the skin,
Warrior raging, have no fear.
Secure yourself to heaven.
Hold on tight, the night has come.
Fasten up your earthly burdens,
You have just begun.
Kneeling down with broken prayers,
Hearts and bones from days of youth.
Restless with an angel's wing,
I dig a grave to bury you.
No feet to fall,
You need no ground.
Allowed to glide right through the sun,
Released from circles guarded tight,
Now we all are chosen ones.
Secure yourself to heaven.
Hold on tight, the night has come.
Fasten up your earthly burdens,
You have just begun.
- Indigo Girls
Liz knew Maria was genuinely and deeply upset. An extroverted thinker, Maria usually just let words spill off her tongue, saying whatever came to mind as well as some things that seemed to just skip the mind and head straight for her mouth. It’s why you needed the Maria filter. But when she was hurting, and hurting deep, she often became quiet. It was as though the pain was such a delayed shock to her body, one that usually radiated nothing but life and light, that it shut down most functions, including the mouth. Maria may have been able to create a classic outburst in the immediacy of the moment but the silence had claimed her once again.
They were about six blocks away before the shock wore off.
“So on a scale of 1 to 10,” Maria’s forced-casual voice cut through the noise of pedestrians and traffic alike, “I’m thinking like a 7. That sounds like a good number.”
“What are you talking about, Maria?”
“I’m not completely clueless. I know how much I overreact sometimes. I think that was just a 7 on the Maria Drama Queen Scale.”
“What would be a 10?”
“Remember that flight from Boston to Chicago we took our sophomore year when I thought we were all going to die?”
“Ah, good call,” Liz readily agreed. Maria had never been a good flyer and that particular trip had been filled with several pockets of heavy turbulence. Convinced it was about to be all over, she gave such a great ‘performance’ that the flight attendants actually warned her if she didn’t calm down they would be forced to land the plane in some random field and she could explain everything to the FAA. “So, ‘not completely clueless,’ do you want to tell me what happened?”
“What happened,” she began as they paused their stride to wait for a light to change, “is that I was going shopping with Justin who decided we needed a caffeine pick-me-up. Instead of getting my overpriced beverage of choice, I got a run-in with someone I really wasn’t ready to see.”
“Hence the flippage.”
Maria shrugged. “I’m not good with being caught off-guard.”
Liz snorted as they began to cross the street.
“What?”
“Nothing.”
“Tell me,” the blonde insisted as she stepped to avoid a herd of slow-moving tourists.
“Okay, you’re not going to like this,” Liz warned fairly, “but you kinda reminded me of Max when he first saw me.”
“Oh gee, thanks,” her friend rolled her eyes at the perceived insult.
“You pushed.”
“You snorted.”
“Great,” Liz sighed as they turned a corner, “are we now officially five?”
“No, four and a half.”
Liz gave a half laugh at Maria’s moment of humor before she took the opportunity to transition to something serious. “Speaking of four and a half, you have got to stop interrupting my conversations. That’s the third one in two days.”
“It’s not exactly like I plan it, you know. Maybe you need to stop surprising me with your Czech guests each...” Her voice dropped off as a confused expression crossed her face. “Hey, three? It’s only been two.”
“I...” Well, crap. That hadn’t been very smooth. The third conversation she had been thinking of had been with Alex. “You’re right, sorry.”
Maria just shook her head. “What is going on in that head of yours, girl? Your attention to every detail must be suffering thanks to this council. For one thing, if you wanted to lie to me and keep meeting Michael a secret, you could have at least gone somewhere I would be less likely to pop by.”
“I didn’t choose the place and I didn’t lie, Maria,” Liz rejoined firmly. “Michael is a member of the council.”
“Oh, come on, Liz,” she pushed just as firmly. “You had that same hand-caught-in-the-cookie-jar look when I ran into you two that you had when I called you out on that thing you had for your freshman year lab T.A.”
“It was only a little thing,” Liz replied, attempting lamely to avoid the rather accurate accusation.
“So you kept on insisting until I found you making out with him in your dorm room.”
She groaned both at that memory and the realization Maria wasn’t going to let this one go.
“Oh, all right, fine, I lied. You’ve just been so weird and issuey about Michael lately. You don’t seem to want to hear about him so I didn’t tell you. Simple.”
“So you lied to me for my own benefit?” Maria rephrased sounding slightly incredulous. “That sounds good so why don’t I completely believe you?”
While in most cases it was really great to have a friend who knew you so well, Liz mused, today it was just frustrating.
“You know, you make being evasive really difficult.”
“So then answer me already.”
Not wanting to continue engaging in such serious conversation so out in the open, Liz guided herself and Maria down a small-side street she spotted on their left. Leaving the crowds behind and enclosed by tall, sound-absorbing buildings on either side, she looked into Maria’s determined eyes and asked, “Whole truth?”
“Nothing but.”
Shoving her hands in her coat pockets, Liz gave Maria what she wanted. “Maybe I was trying to protect him too.”
The blonde arched her brow. “Protect the big-bad Protector? How’s that work?”
Liz sighed as she sat herself down on one of the cleaner building stoops. “That’s exactly how it works.”
“Well now you’ve lost me,” her friend sighed herself as she sat down beside her.
“You used to tell me how much Michael needed someone, someone to look out for him, someone to hold him first in thoughts and heart. Remember that?” Maria avoided her eyes but she did nod. Liz continued. “And now you’re challenging me about protecting him? I’m trying to keep him away from whatever it is you’ve got going right now. He doesn’t need this on top of everything else.”
“Like he’d care,” she challenged, though her voice wasn’t as strong as it had been moments before.
“How dense are you today? Or are you just being purposefully irritating?”
Maria opened her mouth and then shut it again. Apparently she wasn’t sure which it was either.
“I get it, at least a little bit.” And Liz did. She was sure if Alex were standing here right now, he would point out just how similar his girls were being, at least when it came to dealing with the men in their lives. “It’s not exactly easy seeing someone with whom you once shared so much and now share seemingly nothing. Especially when that someone is opening up to you.”
“I don’t know what’s going on with you and Max, but I don’t think any of what happened back there was ‘opening up.’”
“Come on, Maria,” she chided, “that’s how the two of you always operate. Okay, maybe it was a little harsher than what used to be normal, but it’s not uncharted territory.”
“So what are you saying? By yelling at me Michael was sharing his deepest feelings and inner most heart? I don’t think so.”
“No, that’s not exactly what I’m saying. He yelled because you yelled first and because he had just been...” Liz stopped her sentence. Michael’s question about Maria wanting to see him wasn’t something she was sure he would want shared with her. Especially given her entrance. Well damn. What could she... A synapse flared and Liz recalled something.
“Maria, yesterday before I left the council, Michael asked me to tell you hello.”
“That’s nice,” she mumbled, clearly trying to sound disaffected.
“No, it’s not nice, Maria. He was making the first step. He’s been putting himself out there, making himself vulnerable for you but you don’t want to know about it.”
“How vulnerable is a 'hello?'”
Liz just shot her a look of disgust.
“Fine, he’s being vulnerable. But I don’t know why,” she expressed with a humph as she stood up from the steps. Moving off the small sidewalk and into the empty street, she turned back to face Liz. “What can he expect? Me to come running back into his arms that he only has open when Max isn’t looking?”
“Maria, what the hell is wrong with you?” Liz was surprised by the force of her own voice. Well, no, she supposed she wasn’t. Maria had pushed her past the last of her patience. “I’m saying this because I love you: get over it.”
“Get over what? My issues with Michael?” Now Maria looked genuinely surprised. Liz didn’t blame her. In the role of best friend, they would both often let the other rant beyond reason about their exes, among other things. One would rant, the other would give a good “damn straight, girl!” in support. And now she was messing with the established order of things.
With her best “I’m-your-best-friend-and-this-is-for-your-own-good” voice, Liz answered. “At least the ones that won’t let you treat him with any sort of kindness. The ones that make you this angry person I don’t recognize when you deal with him.”
“So I’m an angry person?” she asked... angrily.
“No, yes. Ugh,” she let out in frustration. This was so not going to be easy. “You just have been acting excessively angry with Michael and Max, might I had.”
Maria made a face at that last comment. “I still can’t believe you’re defending Max. Whatever you’ve got to do at this council thing, you don’t need to let it affect you. Just because you have to make everyone like Max or whatever so there can be intergalactic peace doesn’t mean you have to forgive him for all the crap he’s pulled. I’m worried for you. What happened to staying strong?”
Liz closed her eyes for a brief moment, trying to ignore the voice inside of her that shouted “yes, yes, listen to Maria.” Her friend rightfully found her new attitude dangerous to her well-being and she still didn’t know the worst part of Liz’s pain, the worst she was trying to let go. It would be so much easier to do what Maria suggested, to remain angry, to not forgive. It would be so much easier, but right now she didn’t want to give into the easy.
“Thank you, Maria,” she extended softly, taking another good breath before continuing. “Thank you for your concern. I know you don’t understand it, but I think that by moving beyond the past, all the pain Max and I have caused each other, I think that that may be staying strong. I need to move past everything, not just for the council. I need to do it for me.” And maybe for him, she added in her mind.
Maria crossed her arms over her single-breasted peacoat and gave Liz a good, penetrating look. She was clearly deciding whether or not she bought Liz’s words. Her mouth pursed a little, a Maria sign of deep thinking, and it was a few moments before she spoke.
“You’re right, I don’t understand it. I’m afraid for you, Liz. I think you’re going to do what you’ve been avoiding so well for years. I think you’re going to get your heart broken by Max Evans all over again. But I know you well enough to know you’re going to do what you want with him, regardless of what I think. You always have.”
Her words weren’t accusatory; they were just a statement of fact. They were also possibly prophetic. Letting go of her anger, moving beyond what happened in the past, Liz knew all that could lead to her getting her heart broken. What else it could lead to wasn’t so clear.
“But that doesn’t mean I’m going to follow in your footsteps,” Maria continued with a toss of one of her braids. “Just because you’re giving Max some sort of pass doesn’t mean I have to.”
Liz sighed again. “Maria, you don’t need to be angry at him on my behalf. I appreciate the support but I don’t need it, at least not in that form.”
“This isn’t about you,” she returned with a touch of frustration in her voice. “Yes, I’ve given a good ‘let’s-cut-off-his-private-parts’ rant for your sake from time to time, but it isn’t all about you. In case you haven’t noticed, I’ve been plenty angry at him for my own sake.”
Oh, she had noticed all right. She had noticed but never fully understood. “I think I got that memo. But I never got why. Why do you blame him, Maria? And why are you now all of a sudden pissed at Michael? Why do you have all this anger? Why?”
Maria blinked. Then blinked again. Her arms slowly slid down her chest to rest back at her sides. The collected, confident Maria was wavering slightly. A glimpse of the vulnerability that had appeared in the café briefly graced her face. Something about Liz’s questions had clearly thrown her; Liz hadn’t anticipated this.
“Excuse me?” The delayed question was soft yet still defensive.
Liz didn’t know what was going on but she knew she had to take this opportunity. “I didn’t push, didn’t say anything before but maybe I should have. Why was he the one you hated when Michael left? Why did you make him the bad guy? You know it’s not like any of this alien stuff is his fault.”
Maria’s response to this probing was much quicker. “If he could have just left Michael alone, we could have gone on being happy. If Max would stop chasing ghosts of the past, Michael could have had a future, a life of his own. I can’t forgive him for that.”
Liz listened to Maria’s words and found herself taken a little aback. Oh the words were the same as usual. Her accusations were nothing new. No, what was different was her tone, specifically her lack of conviction.
“Look, you don’t have to forgive him,” she offered as she watched Maria’s eyes start to glaze over with what looked like unshed tears. She still didn’t know what was going on inside but something was clearly coming to a head. “But for your own sake, I think you have to let go of some of this anger.”
“I...” Her voice caught in her throat, her watery eyes shifting quickly as though she were trying to stay off the tears. “I can’t do that Liz.”
“Why not?”
“Because it’s all I’ve got,” came the naked response.
“What is?”
“Anger.” Speaking the word, she wiped at the tear that had managed to escape. “I’ve been angry at Max all this time because it was easier than being angry at Michael but now that he’s here, right here in front of me, I’ve got to be angry at him too.”
“And why do you have to be angry?” she pressed gently.
“Because otherwise I’ll lose it completely,” she answered with a humorless laugh and a gesture toward her eyes. “Otherwise I’ll cry myself to sleep every night thinking how unfair it all is.”
Liz felt immediately guilty hearing her friend’s words. She quickly stood up from the stoop and placed her hands on Maria’s upper arms, rubbing them lightly in an effort to comfort. She had wanted Maria to face her demons and deal so she could interact with Michael at least civilly, but it wasn’t right to force her to do so on her timeline.
“Maria, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have pushed. You don’t have to talk about this now if you don’t want to.”
“No,” she objected with a firm shake of her head. “I can’t keep hiding this from you or myself any longer. I can’t believe I’m about to break down in the middle of some New York side-street, but you’re right. I need to let this go.”
The sound of a door opening caught Liz’s attention. She looked past Maria’s shoulder to see a middle-aged couple coming out of the building behind her. They looked curiously at the pair of women standing in the middle of the street.
“How ‘bout you break down in the middle of some New York alley instead,” she suggested as she began guiding her friend toward the alley entrance past the trash bin on their left. Maria allowed Liz to lead her several yards into alleyway, the fenced-off entrance on the other side ensuring a modicum of privacy. The blonde leaned up against the relatively clean wall and continued to let go of all she had been holding in.
“One of the things,” she smiled lightly as she spoke, “I have always loved about Michael is his loyalty. Once he loves you, he loves you fiercely.”
Liz nodded her agreement as she pulled her coat a little tighter. The surrounding buildings were stopping the sun’s light, and thus its warmth, from really penetrating this little piece of the city. She tried to block out thoughts of the cold as she listened to her friend.
“So I know that he had to go and do the alien thing. I know that. If he didn’t, he wouldn’t be the Michael I love. Max and Isabel needed him and of course he had to go.” She continued to wipe the tears that fell as her rich voice grew even thicker with the emotion. “And that’s the stupid unfairness of this whole situation. I would lose the man I love if he had stayed just as much as I did when he left.”
The use of the present tense of the word ‘love’ did not escape Liz’s notice.
“And that just sucks, you know? And so I have to be angry, Liz. Because if I’m not angry, I’m going to lose it, I’m just going to lose myself in some spiral of depression. And I don’t want to be that person. That sad, lonely person. So instead I wear this mask of an angry person.”
“Why didn’t you tell him?” Liz queried softly. “When you stopped talking to him you told him and me that you were just tired of being in a holding pattern, not knowing when or if he would ever come back.”
“I... I don’t know. That’s not a good answer but it’s what I’ve got.”
“I can appreciate that.” How many times had she said or thought the same response herself during the last week or so?
“Part of me wishes that’s what it had been, that I just didn’t want to wait. Because then I could just chalk the whole romance up to teenage hormones like my mom often thought. Wonderful, fun, but not substantial enough to be long-lasting. But it wasn’t. It could have lasted, I think it would have lasted, if I could have managed the pain of missing him. But I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t be strong.”
“Maria, you’re one of the strongest people I know,” Liz assured her. “You always have been.”
“No, not always,” she countered with grimace. “Because a strong person would have been able to be on the other end of the phone when Michael called. But I’m not strong and so he suffers for it, I suffer for it, and that’s why I have to be angry.”
“Why couldn’t you be on the other end?” she asked, not making clear sense of what Maria was saying.
“Because he was losing himself. Each time he called, it was like another piece was missing. And I was too weak to listen to him disappear.”
Oh, now that she understood. Understood and empathized with. She had just one phone call like that when Max had been out searching for Tess. In those few minutes she heard him slipping away from her, from himself, and she didn’t know any way to prevent it. Just that one phone call had been hard enough.
“He didn’t paint anymore.” Maria’s voice pulled her out of her thoughts. “I told you that, right?”
“You did.”
“That was really what did it,” she explained, her voice wavering slightly. “Painting is so much a part of him, it’s part of his being, Liz. He told me that once he discovered the medium, once he found this whole new world, he couldn’t even remember what it was like without it.”
“That sounds like you and music,” Liz observed. A memory of watching Michael deep in artistic concentration flittered in front of her mind’s eye, His expression had always reminded her so much of Maria when she was trying to get a lyric just right.
“Exactly. Michael’s art had been an extension of him like my music has been an extension of me. And he wasn’t painting anymore. Said he didn’t have time. But I could hear it in his voice. He didn’t want to paint anymore. Didn’t have that burning need. I’m guessing he hasn’t picked up a brush since he left Boston.”
Thinking back on her conversation with Michael, Liz realized he had mentioned several things that kept him busy but not one of them was his art. She couldn’t believe she hadn’t noticed that glaring omission. But then again, she wasn’t Maria.
“And instead of being strong, instead of letting him hold onto me, I bailed.” The self-recrimination in her voice was too much for Liz.
“Maria, don’t beat up on yourself so much. I don’t know what I would have done if it had been me, but I think I might have let go too.”
“No you wouldn’t have,” she contradicted with a small smile. “I mean, you’re the one who’s looked into those soulmate eyes of Max’s every day and not lost it. I see Michael for five seconds and flip.”
“Uh, I don’t know if you remember our phone conversations very well,” Liz began with her own touch of self-recrimination, “but I kinda did lose it.”
“But you got your groove back, Stella. At least enough to be in such close quarters with him last night. Thanks for the attempt, but you would have held on to Max for all you were worth if he hadn’t pushed you away.”
“Maybe,” Liz allowed, refusing to spare even a moment to imagine the ‘what if.’ Things with him were too confusing anyway, especially given last night’s encounter and Michael’s information this morning. If she did start to really think about him, it would take more than just a moment. “But if I had held on, maybe it would have been worse. If you had held on, maybe Michael would have continued to fall and taken you with him.”
“Maybe,” Maria shrugged weakly, “or maybe not. I guess I’ll never know.”
Liz felt pangs of empathy. Wondering about what might have been was always complicatedly painful. Most of what Maria had gone through, was currently going through, was complicatedly painful. It could have been bettered, though, by sharing that pain with friends. Another lesson of which she had recently been reminded.
“Why didn’t you ever talk to me about this?” she entreated.
Maria sighed and shifted her weight against the wall. “Because I didn’t want to bother you with stuff that might peel the scabs off your own wounds.”
“I -“ Whatever Liz was going to say was lost in the realization that Maria was singing her own tune. And here she had always thought that she was the one who kept things to herself for the sake of the other. Apparently best friends were more complicated than she had given credit. “Maria, thank you for worrying about me but don’t ever think that my stuff should stop you from talking to me. We’re best friends and that’s what we’re supposed to be here for. Even if I experience a twinge of pain or two on my own behalf, you should talk to me about this stuff. Keeping it bottled in doesn’t help anyone.”
“I know, I know,” she mumbled, eyes not quite meeting Liz’s. “I just didn’t want to suck you back into the pain and the drama more than you had been. And I didn’t really know how to start talking about it all, anyway. I’m sorry.”
Liz squelched the urge to laugh. Not at Maria’s pain, of course, but at the ridiculous similarity between the two of them. “I can again appreciate what that’s like. And you don’t need to be sorry. I should be sorry. I should have been a better friend. I knew there was more than you were letting on, but I didn’t push.”
“That’s cause I’m the pusher,” Maria offered with a slight smile and meeting eyes.
“Yeah, you are,” she grinned back. “But it’s a skill that’s certainly helped you in getting gigs. It’s a good thing for a singer to have learned.”
“Well, now I have to learn to not be the Wicked Witch of the East.”
“The East?” Liz repeated, mildly confused by her friend’s reference.
Maria pushed herself off her wall, her body more animated than it had been since they left Michael and Justin behind. Liz was glad to see her normal light and life was on its way back. “It would make a much more interesting for the Behind the Music episode. Drowning in a bucket of water versus being squished by a house? Way cooler reenactment scene with the house, don’t you think? Of course, the Witch of the West did get that great farewell speech. Maybe I’ll need to rethink my choice.”
“You do that,” Liz laughed, enjoying the welcomed humor.
“East or West, how exactly do I do it?” Maria inquired of her friend. “How do I stop being the crazy woman everyone around her thinks has constant PMS? How do I face him when I don’t know what to expect, when I don’t even know what I want to expect?”
“Michael started with offering a ‘hi.’ Maybe you can do the same when we get back to the café.”
“Hi?”
“Well, you’d be one syllable further away from crazy lady status.”
Maria’s small chuckle made Liz smile.
“I guess it’s time to see face the music.”
“At the very least, to see if the boys managed to bond.”
Now it was Maria’s turn to snort. “That would be a little scary. I wonder what stories about me Justin has managed to tell Michael.”
“Nothing too embarrassing, I’m sure,” Liz said most unconvincingly.
“Hey, he knows some pretty embarrassing stories about you too, so you’d – “
A large crash interrupted Maria’s sentence. The women turned their heads to the direction of the noise and saw that the garbage bin which had once sat next to the alley entrance was now completely blocking the opening.
“Liz, I don’t think that was the wind,” Maria whispered, a spike of fear punctuating her words.
Her hands starting to crackle, Liz nodded once and gestured for Maria to step behind her. Taking a quick survey of their surroundings, she stifled the urge to curse loudly. How stupid they – she – had been. Not only were they currently in a small, relatively dark alleyway with no easy way out, but there didn’t seem to be any possibility for cover. They were trapped, exposed, and without hope of any knights riding in on white horses. According to Michael, Max was off-duty and even if Michael did get fed up with waiting and decide to come look for them, they hadn’t stayed on any logical path for him to find. If she and Maria wanted to get out of whatever predicament they were now in, they were going to have to handle it on their own.
Somehow.
“Can you tell who’s out there or at the least how many?” Maria’s unnaturally quiet voice entered her ear.
“Let me see,” she softly spoke back. Trying to keep part of her attention on the alleyway, Liz reached out with her senses. The search didn’t take long. Immediately her senses, her whole body, was overtaken with such strong maliciousness. The hatred penetrated her pores, making her knees buckle slightly. The feelings she was receiving were sickening, overwhelming, familiar.
“Maria,” she gasped in horror. “It’s here. That evil.”
And she couldn’t escape it. Liz tried to close herself off from the sensations but found it too difficult. As they had last night, her own senses were quickly dissolving in the ocean of hatred she was connected to.
“Maria,” she began, the strength to speak coming from somewhere deep within her body, “you have to-“
Another noise, this one a thud, cut her off. Somehow Liz managed to turn her head toward the sound of the thud. Though her vision was blurring she could make out Maria’s body, now crumpled on the alley floor.
Shit. Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. Her own terror mingled with the other’s hate, a sickening combination. She had to see if Maria was still… was still… if she was okay. Pulling all her inner strength together, Liz moved to lean down to check on her friend.
A blast of energy hit her, sending streaks of pain coursing through her body. Liz lost her balance and slammed against the ground only a foot away from her fallen friend. The last of her strength gave way to the darkness of the hatred and her own pain. Her vision faded to black, her body became numb with the pain.
I should call out for, for… her thought evaporated as the shadows further claimed her.
Her hearing was the last to go. She strained with the minute awareness she had left, listening for Maria’s breathing. Nothing.
She did hear something, though. Just before she slipped into full unconsciousness, the sound of feminine laughter rang softly in her ears.
Secure Yourself
In the ink of an eye I saw you bleed;
Through the thunder I could hear you scream,
Solid to the air I breath,
Open-eyed and fast asleep.
Falling softly as the rain;
No footsteps ringing in your ears.
Ragged down worn to the skin,
Warrior raging, have no fear.
Secure yourself to heaven.
Hold on tight, the night has come.
Fasten up your earthly burdens,
You have just begun.
Kneeling down with broken prayers,
Hearts and bones from days of youth.
Restless with an angel's wing,
I dig a grave to bury you.
No feet to fall,
You need no ground.
Allowed to glide right through the sun,
Released from circles guarded tight,
Now we all are chosen ones.
Secure yourself to heaven.
Hold on tight, the night has come.
Fasten up your earthly burdens,
You have just begun.
- Indigo Girls
Liz knew Maria was genuinely and deeply upset. An extroverted thinker, Maria usually just let words spill off her tongue, saying whatever came to mind as well as some things that seemed to just skip the mind and head straight for her mouth. It’s why you needed the Maria filter. But when she was hurting, and hurting deep, she often became quiet. It was as though the pain was such a delayed shock to her body, one that usually radiated nothing but life and light, that it shut down most functions, including the mouth. Maria may have been able to create a classic outburst in the immediacy of the moment but the silence had claimed her once again.
They were about six blocks away before the shock wore off.
“So on a scale of 1 to 10,” Maria’s forced-casual voice cut through the noise of pedestrians and traffic alike, “I’m thinking like a 7. That sounds like a good number.”
“What are you talking about, Maria?”
“I’m not completely clueless. I know how much I overreact sometimes. I think that was just a 7 on the Maria Drama Queen Scale.”
“What would be a 10?”
“Remember that flight from Boston to Chicago we took our sophomore year when I thought we were all going to die?”
“Ah, good call,” Liz readily agreed. Maria had never been a good flyer and that particular trip had been filled with several pockets of heavy turbulence. Convinced it was about to be all over, she gave such a great ‘performance’ that the flight attendants actually warned her if she didn’t calm down they would be forced to land the plane in some random field and she could explain everything to the FAA. “So, ‘not completely clueless,’ do you want to tell me what happened?”
“What happened,” she began as they paused their stride to wait for a light to change, “is that I was going shopping with Justin who decided we needed a caffeine pick-me-up. Instead of getting my overpriced beverage of choice, I got a run-in with someone I really wasn’t ready to see.”
“Hence the flippage.”
Maria shrugged. “I’m not good with being caught off-guard.”
Liz snorted as they began to cross the street.
“What?”
“Nothing.”
“Tell me,” the blonde insisted as she stepped to avoid a herd of slow-moving tourists.
“Okay, you’re not going to like this,” Liz warned fairly, “but you kinda reminded me of Max when he first saw me.”
“Oh gee, thanks,” her friend rolled her eyes at the perceived insult.
“You pushed.”
“You snorted.”
“Great,” Liz sighed as they turned a corner, “are we now officially five?”
“No, four and a half.”
Liz gave a half laugh at Maria’s moment of humor before she took the opportunity to transition to something serious. “Speaking of four and a half, you have got to stop interrupting my conversations. That’s the third one in two days.”
“It’s not exactly like I plan it, you know. Maybe you need to stop surprising me with your Czech guests each...” Her voice dropped off as a confused expression crossed her face. “Hey, three? It’s only been two.”
“I...” Well, crap. That hadn’t been very smooth. The third conversation she had been thinking of had been with Alex. “You’re right, sorry.”
Maria just shook her head. “What is going on in that head of yours, girl? Your attention to every detail must be suffering thanks to this council. For one thing, if you wanted to lie to me and keep meeting Michael a secret, you could have at least gone somewhere I would be less likely to pop by.”
“I didn’t choose the place and I didn’t lie, Maria,” Liz rejoined firmly. “Michael is a member of the council.”
“Oh, come on, Liz,” she pushed just as firmly. “You had that same hand-caught-in-the-cookie-jar look when I ran into you two that you had when I called you out on that thing you had for your freshman year lab T.A.”
“It was only a little thing,” Liz replied, attempting lamely to avoid the rather accurate accusation.
“So you kept on insisting until I found you making out with him in your dorm room.”
She groaned both at that memory and the realization Maria wasn’t going to let this one go.
“Oh, all right, fine, I lied. You’ve just been so weird and issuey about Michael lately. You don’t seem to want to hear about him so I didn’t tell you. Simple.”
“So you lied to me for my own benefit?” Maria rephrased sounding slightly incredulous. “That sounds good so why don’t I completely believe you?”
While in most cases it was really great to have a friend who knew you so well, Liz mused, today it was just frustrating.
“You know, you make being evasive really difficult.”
“So then answer me already.”
Not wanting to continue engaging in such serious conversation so out in the open, Liz guided herself and Maria down a small-side street she spotted on their left. Leaving the crowds behind and enclosed by tall, sound-absorbing buildings on either side, she looked into Maria’s determined eyes and asked, “Whole truth?”
“Nothing but.”
Shoving her hands in her coat pockets, Liz gave Maria what she wanted. “Maybe I was trying to protect him too.”
The blonde arched her brow. “Protect the big-bad Protector? How’s that work?”
Liz sighed as she sat herself down on one of the cleaner building stoops. “That’s exactly how it works.”
“Well now you’ve lost me,” her friend sighed herself as she sat down beside her.
“You used to tell me how much Michael needed someone, someone to look out for him, someone to hold him first in thoughts and heart. Remember that?” Maria avoided her eyes but she did nod. Liz continued. “And now you’re challenging me about protecting him? I’m trying to keep him away from whatever it is you’ve got going right now. He doesn’t need this on top of everything else.”
“Like he’d care,” she challenged, though her voice wasn’t as strong as it had been moments before.
“How dense are you today? Or are you just being purposefully irritating?”
Maria opened her mouth and then shut it again. Apparently she wasn’t sure which it was either.
“I get it, at least a little bit.” And Liz did. She was sure if Alex were standing here right now, he would point out just how similar his girls were being, at least when it came to dealing with the men in their lives. “It’s not exactly easy seeing someone with whom you once shared so much and now share seemingly nothing. Especially when that someone is opening up to you.”
“I don’t know what’s going on with you and Max, but I don’t think any of what happened back there was ‘opening up.’”
“Come on, Maria,” she chided, “that’s how the two of you always operate. Okay, maybe it was a little harsher than what used to be normal, but it’s not uncharted territory.”
“So what are you saying? By yelling at me Michael was sharing his deepest feelings and inner most heart? I don’t think so.”
“No, that’s not exactly what I’m saying. He yelled because you yelled first and because he had just been...” Liz stopped her sentence. Michael’s question about Maria wanting to see him wasn’t something she was sure he would want shared with her. Especially given her entrance. Well damn. What could she... A synapse flared and Liz recalled something.
“Maria, yesterday before I left the council, Michael asked me to tell you hello.”
“That’s nice,” she mumbled, clearly trying to sound disaffected.
“No, it’s not nice, Maria. He was making the first step. He’s been putting himself out there, making himself vulnerable for you but you don’t want to know about it.”
“How vulnerable is a 'hello?'”
Liz just shot her a look of disgust.
“Fine, he’s being vulnerable. But I don’t know why,” she expressed with a humph as she stood up from the steps. Moving off the small sidewalk and into the empty street, she turned back to face Liz. “What can he expect? Me to come running back into his arms that he only has open when Max isn’t looking?”
“Maria, what the hell is wrong with you?” Liz was surprised by the force of her own voice. Well, no, she supposed she wasn’t. Maria had pushed her past the last of her patience. “I’m saying this because I love you: get over it.”
“Get over what? My issues with Michael?” Now Maria looked genuinely surprised. Liz didn’t blame her. In the role of best friend, they would both often let the other rant beyond reason about their exes, among other things. One would rant, the other would give a good “damn straight, girl!” in support. And now she was messing with the established order of things.
With her best “I’m-your-best-friend-and-this-is-for-your-own-good” voice, Liz answered. “At least the ones that won’t let you treat him with any sort of kindness. The ones that make you this angry person I don’t recognize when you deal with him.”
“So I’m an angry person?” she asked... angrily.
“No, yes. Ugh,” she let out in frustration. This was so not going to be easy. “You just have been acting excessively angry with Michael and Max, might I had.”
Maria made a face at that last comment. “I still can’t believe you’re defending Max. Whatever you’ve got to do at this council thing, you don’t need to let it affect you. Just because you have to make everyone like Max or whatever so there can be intergalactic peace doesn’t mean you have to forgive him for all the crap he’s pulled. I’m worried for you. What happened to staying strong?”
Liz closed her eyes for a brief moment, trying to ignore the voice inside of her that shouted “yes, yes, listen to Maria.” Her friend rightfully found her new attitude dangerous to her well-being and she still didn’t know the worst part of Liz’s pain, the worst she was trying to let go. It would be so much easier to do what Maria suggested, to remain angry, to not forgive. It would be so much easier, but right now she didn’t want to give into the easy.
“Thank you, Maria,” she extended softly, taking another good breath before continuing. “Thank you for your concern. I know you don’t understand it, but I think that by moving beyond the past, all the pain Max and I have caused each other, I think that that may be staying strong. I need to move past everything, not just for the council. I need to do it for me.” And maybe for him, she added in her mind.
Maria crossed her arms over her single-breasted peacoat and gave Liz a good, penetrating look. She was clearly deciding whether or not she bought Liz’s words. Her mouth pursed a little, a Maria sign of deep thinking, and it was a few moments before she spoke.
“You’re right, I don’t understand it. I’m afraid for you, Liz. I think you’re going to do what you’ve been avoiding so well for years. I think you’re going to get your heart broken by Max Evans all over again. But I know you well enough to know you’re going to do what you want with him, regardless of what I think. You always have.”
Her words weren’t accusatory; they were just a statement of fact. They were also possibly prophetic. Letting go of her anger, moving beyond what happened in the past, Liz knew all that could lead to her getting her heart broken. What else it could lead to wasn’t so clear.
“But that doesn’t mean I’m going to follow in your footsteps,” Maria continued with a toss of one of her braids. “Just because you’re giving Max some sort of pass doesn’t mean I have to.”
Liz sighed again. “Maria, you don’t need to be angry at him on my behalf. I appreciate the support but I don’t need it, at least not in that form.”
“This isn’t about you,” she returned with a touch of frustration in her voice. “Yes, I’ve given a good ‘let’s-cut-off-his-private-parts’ rant for your sake from time to time, but it isn’t all about you. In case you haven’t noticed, I’ve been plenty angry at him for my own sake.”
Oh, she had noticed all right. She had noticed but never fully understood. “I think I got that memo. But I never got why. Why do you blame him, Maria? And why are you now all of a sudden pissed at Michael? Why do you have all this anger? Why?”
Maria blinked. Then blinked again. Her arms slowly slid down her chest to rest back at her sides. The collected, confident Maria was wavering slightly. A glimpse of the vulnerability that had appeared in the café briefly graced her face. Something about Liz’s questions had clearly thrown her; Liz hadn’t anticipated this.
“Excuse me?” The delayed question was soft yet still defensive.
Liz didn’t know what was going on but she knew she had to take this opportunity. “I didn’t push, didn’t say anything before but maybe I should have. Why was he the one you hated when Michael left? Why did you make him the bad guy? You know it’s not like any of this alien stuff is his fault.”
Maria’s response to this probing was much quicker. “If he could have just left Michael alone, we could have gone on being happy. If Max would stop chasing ghosts of the past, Michael could have had a future, a life of his own. I can’t forgive him for that.”
Liz listened to Maria’s words and found herself taken a little aback. Oh the words were the same as usual. Her accusations were nothing new. No, what was different was her tone, specifically her lack of conviction.
“Look, you don’t have to forgive him,” she offered as she watched Maria’s eyes start to glaze over with what looked like unshed tears. She still didn’t know what was going on inside but something was clearly coming to a head. “But for your own sake, I think you have to let go of some of this anger.”
“I...” Her voice caught in her throat, her watery eyes shifting quickly as though she were trying to stay off the tears. “I can’t do that Liz.”
“Why not?”
“Because it’s all I’ve got,” came the naked response.
“What is?”
“Anger.” Speaking the word, she wiped at the tear that had managed to escape. “I’ve been angry at Max all this time because it was easier than being angry at Michael but now that he’s here, right here in front of me, I’ve got to be angry at him too.”
“And why do you have to be angry?” she pressed gently.
“Because otherwise I’ll lose it completely,” she answered with a humorless laugh and a gesture toward her eyes. “Otherwise I’ll cry myself to sleep every night thinking how unfair it all is.”
Liz felt immediately guilty hearing her friend’s words. She quickly stood up from the stoop and placed her hands on Maria’s upper arms, rubbing them lightly in an effort to comfort. She had wanted Maria to face her demons and deal so she could interact with Michael at least civilly, but it wasn’t right to force her to do so on her timeline.
“Maria, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have pushed. You don’t have to talk about this now if you don’t want to.”
“No,” she objected with a firm shake of her head. “I can’t keep hiding this from you or myself any longer. I can’t believe I’m about to break down in the middle of some New York side-street, but you’re right. I need to let this go.”
The sound of a door opening caught Liz’s attention. She looked past Maria’s shoulder to see a middle-aged couple coming out of the building behind her. They looked curiously at the pair of women standing in the middle of the street.
“How ‘bout you break down in the middle of some New York alley instead,” she suggested as she began guiding her friend toward the alley entrance past the trash bin on their left. Maria allowed Liz to lead her several yards into alleyway, the fenced-off entrance on the other side ensuring a modicum of privacy. The blonde leaned up against the relatively clean wall and continued to let go of all she had been holding in.
“One of the things,” she smiled lightly as she spoke, “I have always loved about Michael is his loyalty. Once he loves you, he loves you fiercely.”
Liz nodded her agreement as she pulled her coat a little tighter. The surrounding buildings were stopping the sun’s light, and thus its warmth, from really penetrating this little piece of the city. She tried to block out thoughts of the cold as she listened to her friend.
“So I know that he had to go and do the alien thing. I know that. If he didn’t, he wouldn’t be the Michael I love. Max and Isabel needed him and of course he had to go.” She continued to wipe the tears that fell as her rich voice grew even thicker with the emotion. “And that’s the stupid unfairness of this whole situation. I would lose the man I love if he had stayed just as much as I did when he left.”
The use of the present tense of the word ‘love’ did not escape Liz’s notice.
“And that just sucks, you know? And so I have to be angry, Liz. Because if I’m not angry, I’m going to lose it, I’m just going to lose myself in some spiral of depression. And I don’t want to be that person. That sad, lonely person. So instead I wear this mask of an angry person.”
“Why didn’t you tell him?” Liz queried softly. “When you stopped talking to him you told him and me that you were just tired of being in a holding pattern, not knowing when or if he would ever come back.”
“I... I don’t know. That’s not a good answer but it’s what I’ve got.”
“I can appreciate that.” How many times had she said or thought the same response herself during the last week or so?
“Part of me wishes that’s what it had been, that I just didn’t want to wait. Because then I could just chalk the whole romance up to teenage hormones like my mom often thought. Wonderful, fun, but not substantial enough to be long-lasting. But it wasn’t. It could have lasted, I think it would have lasted, if I could have managed the pain of missing him. But I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t be strong.”
“Maria, you’re one of the strongest people I know,” Liz assured her. “You always have been.”
“No, not always,” she countered with grimace. “Because a strong person would have been able to be on the other end of the phone when Michael called. But I’m not strong and so he suffers for it, I suffer for it, and that’s why I have to be angry.”
“Why couldn’t you be on the other end?” she asked, not making clear sense of what Maria was saying.
“Because he was losing himself. Each time he called, it was like another piece was missing. And I was too weak to listen to him disappear.”
Oh, now that she understood. Understood and empathized with. She had just one phone call like that when Max had been out searching for Tess. In those few minutes she heard him slipping away from her, from himself, and she didn’t know any way to prevent it. Just that one phone call had been hard enough.
“He didn’t paint anymore.” Maria’s voice pulled her out of her thoughts. “I told you that, right?”
“You did.”
“That was really what did it,” she explained, her voice wavering slightly. “Painting is so much a part of him, it’s part of his being, Liz. He told me that once he discovered the medium, once he found this whole new world, he couldn’t even remember what it was like without it.”
“That sounds like you and music,” Liz observed. A memory of watching Michael deep in artistic concentration flittered in front of her mind’s eye, His expression had always reminded her so much of Maria when she was trying to get a lyric just right.
“Exactly. Michael’s art had been an extension of him like my music has been an extension of me. And he wasn’t painting anymore. Said he didn’t have time. But I could hear it in his voice. He didn’t want to paint anymore. Didn’t have that burning need. I’m guessing he hasn’t picked up a brush since he left Boston.”
Thinking back on her conversation with Michael, Liz realized he had mentioned several things that kept him busy but not one of them was his art. She couldn’t believe she hadn’t noticed that glaring omission. But then again, she wasn’t Maria.
“And instead of being strong, instead of letting him hold onto me, I bailed.” The self-recrimination in her voice was too much for Liz.
“Maria, don’t beat up on yourself so much. I don’t know what I would have done if it had been me, but I think I might have let go too.”
“No you wouldn’t have,” she contradicted with a small smile. “I mean, you’re the one who’s looked into those soulmate eyes of Max’s every day and not lost it. I see Michael for five seconds and flip.”
“Uh, I don’t know if you remember our phone conversations very well,” Liz began with her own touch of self-recrimination, “but I kinda did lose it.”
“But you got your groove back, Stella. At least enough to be in such close quarters with him last night. Thanks for the attempt, but you would have held on to Max for all you were worth if he hadn’t pushed you away.”
“Maybe,” Liz allowed, refusing to spare even a moment to imagine the ‘what if.’ Things with him were too confusing anyway, especially given last night’s encounter and Michael’s information this morning. If she did start to really think about him, it would take more than just a moment. “But if I had held on, maybe it would have been worse. If you had held on, maybe Michael would have continued to fall and taken you with him.”
“Maybe,” Maria shrugged weakly, “or maybe not. I guess I’ll never know.”
Liz felt pangs of empathy. Wondering about what might have been was always complicatedly painful. Most of what Maria had gone through, was currently going through, was complicatedly painful. It could have been bettered, though, by sharing that pain with friends. Another lesson of which she had recently been reminded.
“Why didn’t you ever talk to me about this?” she entreated.
Maria sighed and shifted her weight against the wall. “Because I didn’t want to bother you with stuff that might peel the scabs off your own wounds.”
“I -“ Whatever Liz was going to say was lost in the realization that Maria was singing her own tune. And here she had always thought that she was the one who kept things to herself for the sake of the other. Apparently best friends were more complicated than she had given credit. “Maria, thank you for worrying about me but don’t ever think that my stuff should stop you from talking to me. We’re best friends and that’s what we’re supposed to be here for. Even if I experience a twinge of pain or two on my own behalf, you should talk to me about this stuff. Keeping it bottled in doesn’t help anyone.”
“I know, I know,” she mumbled, eyes not quite meeting Liz’s. “I just didn’t want to suck you back into the pain and the drama more than you had been. And I didn’t really know how to start talking about it all, anyway. I’m sorry.”
Liz squelched the urge to laugh. Not at Maria’s pain, of course, but at the ridiculous similarity between the two of them. “I can again appreciate what that’s like. And you don’t need to be sorry. I should be sorry. I should have been a better friend. I knew there was more than you were letting on, but I didn’t push.”
“That’s cause I’m the pusher,” Maria offered with a slight smile and meeting eyes.
“Yeah, you are,” she grinned back. “But it’s a skill that’s certainly helped you in getting gigs. It’s a good thing for a singer to have learned.”
“Well, now I have to learn to not be the Wicked Witch of the East.”
“The East?” Liz repeated, mildly confused by her friend’s reference.
Maria pushed herself off her wall, her body more animated than it had been since they left Michael and Justin behind. Liz was glad to see her normal light and life was on its way back. “It would make a much more interesting for the Behind the Music episode. Drowning in a bucket of water versus being squished by a house? Way cooler reenactment scene with the house, don’t you think? Of course, the Witch of the West did get that great farewell speech. Maybe I’ll need to rethink my choice.”
“You do that,” Liz laughed, enjoying the welcomed humor.
“East or West, how exactly do I do it?” Maria inquired of her friend. “How do I stop being the crazy woman everyone around her thinks has constant PMS? How do I face him when I don’t know what to expect, when I don’t even know what I want to expect?”
“Michael started with offering a ‘hi.’ Maybe you can do the same when we get back to the café.”
“Hi?”
“Well, you’d be one syllable further away from crazy lady status.”
Maria’s small chuckle made Liz smile.
“I guess it’s time to see face the music.”
“At the very least, to see if the boys managed to bond.”
Now it was Maria’s turn to snort. “That would be a little scary. I wonder what stories about me Justin has managed to tell Michael.”
“Nothing too embarrassing, I’m sure,” Liz said most unconvincingly.
“Hey, he knows some pretty embarrassing stories about you too, so you’d – “
A large crash interrupted Maria’s sentence. The women turned their heads to the direction of the noise and saw that the garbage bin which had once sat next to the alley entrance was now completely blocking the opening.
“Liz, I don’t think that was the wind,” Maria whispered, a spike of fear punctuating her words.
Her hands starting to crackle, Liz nodded once and gestured for Maria to step behind her. Taking a quick survey of their surroundings, she stifled the urge to curse loudly. How stupid they – she – had been. Not only were they currently in a small, relatively dark alleyway with no easy way out, but there didn’t seem to be any possibility for cover. They were trapped, exposed, and without hope of any knights riding in on white horses. According to Michael, Max was off-duty and even if Michael did get fed up with waiting and decide to come look for them, they hadn’t stayed on any logical path for him to find. If she and Maria wanted to get out of whatever predicament they were now in, they were going to have to handle it on their own.
Somehow.
“Can you tell who’s out there or at the least how many?” Maria’s unnaturally quiet voice entered her ear.
“Let me see,” she softly spoke back. Trying to keep part of her attention on the alleyway, Liz reached out with her senses. The search didn’t take long. Immediately her senses, her whole body, was overtaken with such strong maliciousness. The hatred penetrated her pores, making her knees buckle slightly. The feelings she was receiving were sickening, overwhelming, familiar.
“Maria,” she gasped in horror. “It’s here. That evil.”
And she couldn’t escape it. Liz tried to close herself off from the sensations but found it too difficult. As they had last night, her own senses were quickly dissolving in the ocean of hatred she was connected to.
“Maria,” she began, the strength to speak coming from somewhere deep within her body, “you have to-“
Another noise, this one a thud, cut her off. Somehow Liz managed to turn her head toward the sound of the thud. Though her vision was blurring she could make out Maria’s body, now crumpled on the alley floor.
Shit. Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. Her own terror mingled with the other’s hate, a sickening combination. She had to see if Maria was still… was still… if she was okay. Pulling all her inner strength together, Liz moved to lean down to check on her friend.
A blast of energy hit her, sending streaks of pain coursing through her body. Liz lost her balance and slammed against the ground only a foot away from her fallen friend. The last of her strength gave way to the darkness of the hatred and her own pain. Her vision faded to black, her body became numb with the pain.
I should call out for, for… her thought evaporated as the shadows further claimed her.
Her hearing was the last to go. She strained with the minute awareness she had left, listening for Maria’s breathing. Nothing.
She did hear something, though. Just before she slipped into full unconsciousness, the sound of feminine laughter rang softly in her ears.
Last edited by Doublestuf on Thu Sep 08, 2005 12:57 pm, edited 1 time in total.
A better world has got to start somewhere. Why not with you and me?
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Doublestuf
- Enthusiastic Roswellian
- Posts: 56
- Joined: Tue Oct 09, 2001 4:58 pm
Part 18
Part 18
Soon Be To Nothing
Kelly Mountain road saw a heavy load
With a sagging heart and a break apart
Voices in me stood as thick as thieves
With no sympathy for the beggars art
I have passed these pines 'bout a million times effortlessly
Now I grip the wheel fear is what I feel
At the slow unraveling of me
You tell me it's temporary it's a matter of time
By God don't you think I know it's in my mind
It's right over left and healing the then
I'll soon be to nothing but I don't know when
Well the way I flee on my crooked feet
Barn happy horse on a one-track course
Then I self despise cryin' out my eyes
'Cause the happy trail led me to remorse
But the road is long and the song is gone
I blow empty in my cicada shell
If I saw my choice I might find my voice
But I don't know when and I just can't tell
You tell me it's temporary just a matter of time
By God don't you think I know it's in my mind
It's right over left and healing the then
I'll soon be to nothing but I don't know when
Deep behind my face is a safer place
But old gears are hitched tight to the gate
It's a daily grind waiting to unwind
Till I hear that click that unlocks my fate
So tell me it's temporary it's a matter of time
By God don't you think I know it's in my mind
It's right over left and healing the then
I'll soon be to nothing but I don't know when
I'll soon be to nothing but I don't know when
I'll soon be to nothing but I don't know when
-Indigo Girls
Consciousness crept up slowly upon her. First she was aware of nothing, then came the knowledge that her body was on the ground. It wasn’t the hard ground of asphalt in the alley, rather it was soft and slightly ticklish. Grass. She was lying down in a bed of grass. And she wasn’t in a crumpled heap as she had been when attacked. No, instead she had been lain out on her back, arms resting comfortably on stomach. Perhaps most surprising was the amount of pain, or lack thereof. Her mind might be muddled but it wasn’t by pain. Given the amount of energy that had blasted her into darkness she would have thought her whole body would be aching. Why wasn’t it?
A warm hand caressed the left side of her face, chasing away her thoughts and making her hazy surroundings delightfully real.
“Wake up, sleepyhead,” came the soft voice. “It’s time to get you out of here.”
Her eyes slowly fluttered open to find the love of her life kneeling beside her. She was immediately blinded by his smile, a wide one full of joy and adoration. His head was backlit by the soft sunlight, giving him an appropriate otherworldly halo. He looked so beautiful. He also looked a little different than last she saw him. Along with the unabashed love for her lighting up his entire face – something out of recent character – Liz couldn’t help but notice that he was wearing a suit – of armor.
A soft whine caught her attention. Tilting her head ever slightly, Liz saw a white stallion grazing in the pasture they were apparently all in. She wondered briefly if the horse would be able to handle carrying both of them, along Max’s shiny new outfit, back to the city.
Another caress of his hand brought her gaze back to Max. That look. A woman would never be the same after seeing it. His eyes made her insides melt, in the good alien way.
“You’re here,” she whispered in awe, her words sounding more like a question than a statement.
He just smiled and moved the hand on her cheek to the back of her neck. Gently lifting her head off the ground, he pulled her close to his chest into a surprisingly (given the solid metal between them) soft embrace.
“Why did you think I wouldn’t be here, you silly woman?” he chastised lovingly as his head bent down to place a sweet kiss upon her lips.
“Why do you think I would be here?” came another voice from behind. The man calling out that question sounded similar to the man who was no longer trying to kiss her, instead slowly moving away. Similar tones but this voice was snide where the other had been loving.
Liz turned from the man who was taking himself and his enticing lips away from her, twisting to see who had called out. It was Max, again. This Max looked more normal than the Max who had knelt beside her. He was wearing the grey (non-metal) suit she had seen him the first day of the council. He was also wearing the same expression, that frustrating mixture of shock, anger, and disgust. She quickly turned back to the more tender Max only to find he had disappeared, apparently taking his horse with him.
“I thought you might be worried about me,” she offered weakly as she hurriedly pulled herself off the ground.
The new Max snorted. “Why would you think I’d care what happened to you?”
Her heart dropped, stomach lurched. Were they back to this now, after everything that had happened between them these last few days? Or maybe that was it. Maybe nothing had happened between them. Maybe it was all part of her overactive, over-yearning imagination.
“Michael said you look at my picture sometimes,” she offered in quiet explanation. “Doesn’t that mean you feel something?”
A patronizing laugh. “Stupid humans, always making it about themselves, about feelings. I look at your picture to remind myself why we can’t trust anyone. Why would you ever think anything else?”
The warm air was filled with a sudden chill, causing Liz to shiver. She was still wearing her winter coat but this particular wind was undeterred. She lifted her eyes to the once-clear blue sky and saw that the sun and its warmth had been blocked by thick, murky grey clouds that looked as though they were ready to let loose the rain within. What was going on above matched what was going on inside. But she would not cry in front of him. “I’m sorry. I don’t know why I thought you cared.”
“Why didn’t you care?”
The heartbroken accusation came from her left. The cold Max before her dissolved even before she had turned to face the new Max. He was standing several yards away from her and as she took a small step toward him, he took a large step back.
“I did care Max. I still do care,” she insisted urgently, somehow finding the inner strength to not run to him and fling her arms around him. He looked so distraught, so broken. In fact, with his khaki pants and grey t-shirt he was almost a carbon-copy of the Max she had left at Vasquez Rocks.
That day seemed to be on this Max’s mind as well.
“Why?” he managed to ask, the tears he had been trying to hold back slipping onto his cheek. “Why did you leave me? Why did you leave me when I was so confused and scared?”
“I’m so sorry, Max,” Liz apologized, her own tears falling softly. In the presence of this Max, this vulnerable Max, she had no qualms about showing her own vulnerable self. “I was hurt and scared too. I may have left but I didn’t stop caring. I never have.”
“Then why did you do it, Liz?” Another Max again spoke up from behind her. Wiping her tears as she turned, Liz was inflicted with the most painful sight yet. The storm-threatened pasture had morphed into her own balcony. And there was Max, standing on the ladder he had climbed so many times. He didn’t look angry or hurt rather oddly excited. Liz watched him climb over the wall and walk toward her window, passing her without so much as a glance.
“Oh god,” she moaned as she realized what was going on. She didn’t need to see the tickets in his hand to know what this was. His grey collared shirt was enough of a clue for her; her detail-oriented mind picked up on things like that. This was the night of Gomez, the night when things should have been cemented between them instead of irrevocably damaged. She had replayed this night over and over in her mind, usually choosing to imagine what the other timeline had held.
And sometimes she didn’t choose to torture herself. Sometimes she would just look at him and she would be involuntary hurled full force into those thoughts. That often happened whenever she saw him wearing this same shirt. When he did, she would look at it and know that in some other time, some other Liz had seen that shirt crumpled on her floor. Some other Liz would see him wear that shirt and be reminded of the first time she had made love with her love. But this Liz saw it and was reminded of exactly what was playing out before her eyes at this very moment.
Max’s fingers let the tickets slip free, his feet awkwardly backed away from her window. She continued to watch in horrified silence as he turned from the sight of Kyle and her in bed. He slowly walked way from the crushing view and this time as he passed he looked right into her eyes.
“Why did you sleep with him?” His voice was straight, no perceptible tremble or quiver to be heard. Only strong, searching demand. “Why were you unfaithful to me?”
Liz felt the words come out of her mouth before she had even one moment to consider the implications. “But I wasn’t, Max. I didn’t sleep with Kyle.”
Her hand quickly covered her mouth. Oh god. She had said it. Finally, after all these years, she had told him the truth. It felt... odd. And maybe that feeling was partially due to Max’s reaction. He didn’t seem fazed at all. The same blank expression he had worn since turning from the window was still on his face.
“Why did you lie to me?” was his eerily calm question.
“It, well, it was to save the world,” she explained in an unsure voice. It was, wasn’t it? That’s what her knowing and his unknowing sacrifice had been for, right?
The calm Max was transforming once again into an angry Max - except this time he wasn’t popping out from behind her in yet another persona. No, the same Max who went up to her window with such hope was now looking at her with heated venom.
“Why didn’t you trust me with that?” he spit out in disgust. “I trusted you with everything, Liz, even before you saw me as more than a lab partner. Why after everything we had been through didn’t you trust me with the truth?”
“I did trust you, Max, I did. That wasn’t it,” Liz protested earnestly but her declaration never met his ears as the space around her began to morph once more. The irate Max and her balcony were lost in a blinding white light that caused her to lose her sense of balance. When the light subsided, the ceiling of the Crashdown came into view. Liz realized she was once again lying down, only this time not so peaceably. A dull, yet increasing strong, ache filled her stomach. What was going on?
A panicked Max quickly appeared over her, ripping open the uniform she had just realized she was wearing. He touched his right hand to her cheek, the caress familiarly urgent. Yet instead of the kindly demanding “you have to look at me” or the frantic yet assuring “you’re all right now,” Max’s words were ones that wounded her a thousand times more over than the bullet currently lodged in her torso.
“Why didn’t you fight for us? Why didn’t you love me enough?”
A gasp was her only response. How could she reassure him when she didn’t even know the answers to his questions? How could she hope to make things right when she was still wondering the same? How could she dream of -
A sharp pain forced reality to quickly snap back into place. This awakening wasn’t as slow and sweet as the other had been, but it was much more real. Eyes still closed, she knew she was lying on the ground again, although she wasn’t laid out peaceably like Snow White waiting for her prince. And this ground was much harder and colder than the green pastures of her unconscious. The torturous dream world was gone, taking with it noble steeds, time warps, and many Maxes. But it left behind more than a few plaguing thoughts and questions.
It also left her to the physically painful truth of reality. The body she thought should be feeling a greater amount of agony in the dream world was feeling more than plenty in this world. Her entire being felt as though it had been subjected to a sledgehammer.
Another sharp explosion of nerves and Liz realized someone or something was slapping her face. Cracking open her eyes, she saw nothing but the fuzzy outline of a person standing over her.
A fuzzy, blue outline. Something was wrong with her vision. What she could make out was tinted and blurred by something blue and slightly gelatinous. Panic set in as Liz realized her eyes were covered by something distinctly alien. She tried to take off whatever was on her head but found she physically couldn’t move. Her arms were behind her back and something had bound her hands together.
With what little energy she had, she tried to blast herself free of her restraint.
Come on, sparkles, do your thing, she cheered on her temperamental power.
But it didn’t work. Either her hands weren’t working their alien magic or whatever was binding them had enough alien magic of its own to counter her light show.
Think, Liz, think. She had to do something. She couldn’t just lie here, wherever here was, with someone not so friendly straddling her defenseless body. Maybe she could squirm out from under those legs slowly enough that her captor wouldn’t notice until she was gone.
Or maybe she could turn into a pretty butterfly and just flutter on her merry way. That was about as likely to work.
She adjusted her body ever slightly and realized something new. Her legs weren’t bound.
This was it. She could just lift up her legs, land a good kick to her captor, and get the hell out of dodge. Except even if her captor didn’t land on top of her, and thus trapping her more, what real hope of escape did she have with her hands bound and her vision completely impaired by her blue Jello eyewear?
Maybe she could call out to Alex. He would come and then… then what? He couldn’t do anything to help her. Couldn’t interfere by knocking her captor out or talking someone into rescuing her. He could just watch and knowing he was seeing whatever was about to happen would only distract her more.
What the fuck was she going to do? She was in between a rock and hard place and no one who could help had a clue where she was.
Oh god. Maria. The complete memory of what had happened before she succumbed to the darkness rushed over her. Her breathing became increasingly erratic as she tried unsuccessfully to see if her best friend was lying somewhere near by. Was she being held captive too or had she been left for…
No, no, don’t think that Liz, she commanded herself. Maria’s fine; she has to be.
The figure above her chuckled, drawing her attention.
“Like a poor animal caught in a trap, frantically trying to get free. It’s almost cute.”
The voice was light, airy even. Clearly that of a female. Who the hell held her so helplessly before them?
The figure slowly crouched lower, the face coming into full view, well as good a view as the blue gel allowed. No sharp angles on this face, it looked both delicate and full. The figure, the woman, was blessed with soft Botticelli curls that rested on her shoulders. Even with the blue tint she could tell they were blonde.
The woman reminded her of someone, someone who shouldn’t be here. Someone who shouldn’t even be alive.
“Tess?” she thought to herself. Wait, no, that hadn’t been to herself. She had said that name out loud.
The woman, please God not Tess, laughed in pure delight. She reached a hand out toward Liz’s head. Liz tried to jerk away, to stop the hand from making contact, but was completely unsuccessful.
Instead of inflicting some torment, the hand touched something at Liz’s temple. Suddenly the blue goo that had been distorting her vision was gone, the quick transition leaving her lightheaded.
As the world and her mind came into clearer focus, she saw that the young woman didn’t actually have more than a passing resemblance to the woman who haunted her for so long. She shared the same blonde hair as Tess, same apparent height, a similar shape of face, and even, yep, even those too perfect blue eyes. But she wasn’t her.
She was actually a bit plainer; even with the expensive black power-suit clothing her body and the diamond studs gracing her ears, she missed that annoying sparkle Tess always had. If Liz had passed her on the street she might have given her a second glance given the hair and face shape, but nothing more.
The woman smiled as she watched Liz dissecting her.
“I guess there are worse things you could call me,” she snickered. “Sorry about the headgear, but your hair isn’t too messed up, if it’s any comfort.”
“Wha- what was that?” Liz’s curiosity surpassed the wisdom to keep quiet.
“Just a little something to keep unwanted visitors out of your head.”
“Unwanted...” The woman knew about Isabel. Who the hell was she?
“I’m sorry, I’m being rude. But I confess,” her captor whispered in an attempt to create false intimacy, “it’s a habit of mine. Harder to break than any one of your bones.”
She stood up quickly after that blatant (and successful) attempt at intimidation, moving away from Liz and toward one side of the room. Her captor’s movement gave Liz the opportunity to scoot her body so she was sitting up, giving her both a better view of her surroundings and the false sense of having more control.
The room looked like it might be in an abandoned warehouse or something. There was a door in front of her, which was where the woman was now standing, talking to someone Liz couldn’t see on the other side. A few metal columns and arches, a couple crossbeams, and oddly hanging electrical outlets filled the otherwise empty space. The walls on either side each had one small sconce that provided little illumination. A row of small windows behind her was letting the last of the daylight in but none of the sun’s warmth. This cold, dimly lit room did not help her nerves.
And nowhere in this strange room did Liz see even a trace of Maria.
Maybe she was being held in another room. Liz thought briefly about trying to reach out with her powers, to see if she could sense Maria. But the idea was quickly rejected. She didn’t dare, not given what had happened the last few times she had reached out. Instinct, natural and supernatural, told her that this woman was the source of the evil she had been sensing.
But Liz had to hope for the best. Her captor didn’t seem stupid and leaving the two best friends together would definitely increase their chances of a successful escape attempt. Yes, that had to be it. Maria was perfectly okay, just okay in another room.
And maybe the two burly men coming through the door right now had just gone to make sure her best friend was comfortable.
Yeah, Liz, and your turn-into-a-butterfly plan might actually work, she mocked herself as she tried not to become more freaked out by the sight of her captor being flanked by the ex-pro wrestlers.
Liz tried to squirm away from the approaching trio but her efforts were in vain. The two men each grabbed one of her arms, dragging her up by them. They pulled her over to one of the metal columns, unbound her hands and then bound them up around the column so quickly she didn’t have time to take advantage of the brief freedom.
“There we go, much better,” the woman exclaimed with unnerving pleasure. “If you two will please take your positions outside, this one and I will get started.”
Get started with what? Liz wondered with increasing unease as the muscle left. This could not be good.
“Before we do get started, Lizzie dear, I’m sure that inquisitive mind of yours has a couple questions you’d like to ask. Go ahead,” she said as if she were daring her, “I’m an open book.”
“Who are you?” The question just rolled off her tongue.
“Oh, Liz,” the woman sighed with overemphasis, “I’m so disappointed. I know we didn’t spend much time together before but I thought you would have figured that out by now. You are supposed to be the brain behind the brawn that is Max Evans. He’s gotta get it from somewhere and we all know Rath isn’t going to be of much help in that department.”
The woman’s patronizing tone kicked Liz out of her “I’ve-just-been-abducted” stupor. “You’ll have to excuse my slowness this evening. I don’t normally have to solve stupid riddles after being knocked unconscious.”
“Oh, feisty. Now that I like in a woman. Even a human.”
“In a woman...” Something about the way she said that just sounded off.
“Ah, I see those wheels a-turnin’. But my amusement with our little Q and A is rapidly disappearing.” Her captor, who until now had kept a respectable distance between them, stepped near enough to graze her manicured nails against Liz’s temple. “Are you going to figure this out or am I going to have to ruin the fun by fucking up your head so bad you can’t remember your own name, let alone mine?”
The pieces of this puzzle finally fit together.
“Nicholas ” she gasped in realization.
“The one and the same. Well, no,” she, or he, took a step back and gestured with a grin to the new and improved skin, “I guess not the same. Feel free to call me Nikki if that helps.”
Liz felt her head swarm once again as she took in this information. She had been captured by Nicholas, the man who had been hunting Max for years and visa versa. This poshly dressed woman was Nicholas’s new skin.
It was brilliant, really. Nicholas could hide in plain sight, watch the three hybrids without much concern of being IDed as an alien himself. Though well-dressed, she wasn’t striking enough to stick in anyone’s memory. In fact, Max, Michael, and Isabel could walk right past him, her, on the street and any weird vibes they might pick up would be attributed to her slight resemblance to Tess.
Great, Liz realized with a heavy heart. I’m stuck here with a deranged killer who happens to have brains.
Never one to just give in, Liz gave Nicholas-Nikki as much attitude as she could muster in her current, defenseless situation. “So, Nikki, did you bring me here because you wanted to have some girl time? You know, you could have just invited me for a sleep over like a normal person. At the very least you could have stopped and picked up my toothbrush.”
Nikki snorted. “Again, saucy. I like it, but don’t think it’s going to buy you any mercy. I don’t really do mercy.”
Her words caused Liz’s greatest concern to rush forward. “Where’s Maria?”
“Who?” Nikki asked, genuinely unsure.
“Maria,” Liz repeated with slow enunciation. “The woman I was with when you jumped us like a coward.”
Her captor gave Liz a quick glare before answering. “Oh, yes, the blonde who was Michael’s special friend. I don’t know where she is.”
“What do you mean?” she demanded.
“I mean,” Nikki echoed firmly, becoming less amused by her feisty attitude, “I don’t know where she is. She could still be where she fell or she could be running through the streets of New York. I didn’t leave someone to watch her.”
If she could be running around the city that means she must be -
“So you left her there, unharmed?” Alive.
“I wouldn’t say unharmed. I’d guess she’s experiencing the same aches and pains you are right now. Getting blasted is never fun. Or so I hear.”
“But she’s alive?” Liz pressed, needing to hear the words.
“She seemed to be when we left.”
That was such good news. Yet it didn’t make much sense. Nicholas just left her there? Unharmed except for the killer ache she was going to have when she woke up?
“Why should I believe you?”
Nikki didn’t seem insulted by her question rather she seemed bored by the turn of the conversation. She even moved away from Liz, toward the row of windows as she spoke.
“I don’t care why you should believe me.” She paused, stood up on the tips of her leather boots, and looked one of the windows. Focused outward, she added, “And I suppose that’s why you can. If I had killed her, I wouldn’t exactly have any qualms about hiding that from you, now would I?”
“I - no.” Liz was partially dumfounded by Nikki’s use of obvious logic.
“Besides,” she said as she turned back with a sudden renewed interest in her quarry, “someone had to run and tell Max I’ve got his Crackerjack prize.”
“What?”
“Oh, come on, why do you think you’re here? I’ve never been one for female bonding, before or after my little transformation. You’re bringing the king right to me.”
Liz was only mildly confused by Nikki’s statement. Of course Max was involved; everything seemed to have something to do with him lately. But the logic she had been reluctantly admiring in her captor seemed to be a bit faulty.
“But Maria doesn’t know who attacked her. How is she going to know to tell Max?”
Nikki answered with full-throated laugh. The itching Liz’s fingers had to do some damage to the other woman grew increasingly stronger at that sound.
“I don’t care if she told him you were abducted by Bigfoot. He’ll know it was me.”
“But how will he know where to find you, us?” she countered, once again in reluctant agreement with her. Given Max’s ultimatum yesterday he would know exactly who had attacked she and Maria. That made sense. But Max had been searching for Nicholas for years and never caught up with him. Except, she realized, Nicholas hadn’t wanted to be caught then.
“He’s been here before. You know, for the little summit that was a lot like the one you’ve been hanging out at. Last one was better, though. I had an invitation and Max had a hottie on his arm instead of Rath.”
Liz was not going to let Nicholas’ reference to Tess bother her. She had let Kivar get a rise out of her but she would not give this evil alien that same satisfaction.
“And what? You’re pissed you didn’t get an invitation so you decided to crash the party?”
Nikki waved her hand in dismissal. “You’ve had enough questions. This game is boring me.”
“I’m sorry to be so dull,” she retorted quickly. “If you let my hands free I could put on a good magic show.”
“Thanks for the offer, but I’ve got a better idea.” The glint in the woman’s eyes made Liz nervous. “Why don’t you show me some home movies while we wait?”
Shit. Shit. Liz tried not to let her panic show. She had no idea how successful she was in that endeavor.
“I don’t see any popcorn,” she countered, trying to be the same saucy woman she had been only minutes before. “It wouldn’t be the same.”
“Don’t worry,” the blonde assured with a sickening smile. “We’ll make do.”
As Nicholas walked the last few feet to stand directly in front of Liz, she made one last desperate attempt to get free of her bounds. Fuck her cool, she wanted out of there. Yet no matter how much she squirmed or tried to spark her way free, she was trapped.
But she couldn’t be. Nicholas could not get in, could not see what she knew. Too much, she knew too much.
Alex, she screamed in her mind. Alex!
Her eyes frantically searched the room, hoping for a miracle. What good was it having your own guardian angel figure if last minute saves didn’t come with the package? Alex would find a way to send someone. He would. And that someone would come in through the door at any moment and save her. They just had to.
Except the door remained closed. No one burst through to save the day. She remained alone in the room with a power-hunger, mind-raping alien who was raising her hands to Liz’s head.
“Just close your eyes,” the woman whispered as she threaded her fingers through Liz’s hair, clasping both sides of her head. “Or not. Either way this is going to hurt like a bitch.”
The connection opened and Liz immediately discovered that, yet again, Nicholas was right.
Soon Be To Nothing
Kelly Mountain road saw a heavy load
With a sagging heart and a break apart
Voices in me stood as thick as thieves
With no sympathy for the beggars art
I have passed these pines 'bout a million times effortlessly
Now I grip the wheel fear is what I feel
At the slow unraveling of me
You tell me it's temporary it's a matter of time
By God don't you think I know it's in my mind
It's right over left and healing the then
I'll soon be to nothing but I don't know when
Well the way I flee on my crooked feet
Barn happy horse on a one-track course
Then I self despise cryin' out my eyes
'Cause the happy trail led me to remorse
But the road is long and the song is gone
I blow empty in my cicada shell
If I saw my choice I might find my voice
But I don't know when and I just can't tell
You tell me it's temporary just a matter of time
By God don't you think I know it's in my mind
It's right over left and healing the then
I'll soon be to nothing but I don't know when
Deep behind my face is a safer place
But old gears are hitched tight to the gate
It's a daily grind waiting to unwind
Till I hear that click that unlocks my fate
So tell me it's temporary it's a matter of time
By God don't you think I know it's in my mind
It's right over left and healing the then
I'll soon be to nothing but I don't know when
I'll soon be to nothing but I don't know when
I'll soon be to nothing but I don't know when
-Indigo Girls
Consciousness crept up slowly upon her. First she was aware of nothing, then came the knowledge that her body was on the ground. It wasn’t the hard ground of asphalt in the alley, rather it was soft and slightly ticklish. Grass. She was lying down in a bed of grass. And she wasn’t in a crumpled heap as she had been when attacked. No, instead she had been lain out on her back, arms resting comfortably on stomach. Perhaps most surprising was the amount of pain, or lack thereof. Her mind might be muddled but it wasn’t by pain. Given the amount of energy that had blasted her into darkness she would have thought her whole body would be aching. Why wasn’t it?
A warm hand caressed the left side of her face, chasing away her thoughts and making her hazy surroundings delightfully real.
“Wake up, sleepyhead,” came the soft voice. “It’s time to get you out of here.”
Her eyes slowly fluttered open to find the love of her life kneeling beside her. She was immediately blinded by his smile, a wide one full of joy and adoration. His head was backlit by the soft sunlight, giving him an appropriate otherworldly halo. He looked so beautiful. He also looked a little different than last she saw him. Along with the unabashed love for her lighting up his entire face – something out of recent character – Liz couldn’t help but notice that he was wearing a suit – of armor.
A soft whine caught her attention. Tilting her head ever slightly, Liz saw a white stallion grazing in the pasture they were apparently all in. She wondered briefly if the horse would be able to handle carrying both of them, along Max’s shiny new outfit, back to the city.
Another caress of his hand brought her gaze back to Max. That look. A woman would never be the same after seeing it. His eyes made her insides melt, in the good alien way.
“You’re here,” she whispered in awe, her words sounding more like a question than a statement.
He just smiled and moved the hand on her cheek to the back of her neck. Gently lifting her head off the ground, he pulled her close to his chest into a surprisingly (given the solid metal between them) soft embrace.
“Why did you think I wouldn’t be here, you silly woman?” he chastised lovingly as his head bent down to place a sweet kiss upon her lips.
“Why do you think I would be here?” came another voice from behind. The man calling out that question sounded similar to the man who was no longer trying to kiss her, instead slowly moving away. Similar tones but this voice was snide where the other had been loving.
Liz turned from the man who was taking himself and his enticing lips away from her, twisting to see who had called out. It was Max, again. This Max looked more normal than the Max who had knelt beside her. He was wearing the grey (non-metal) suit she had seen him the first day of the council. He was also wearing the same expression, that frustrating mixture of shock, anger, and disgust. She quickly turned back to the more tender Max only to find he had disappeared, apparently taking his horse with him.
“I thought you might be worried about me,” she offered weakly as she hurriedly pulled herself off the ground.
The new Max snorted. “Why would you think I’d care what happened to you?”
Her heart dropped, stomach lurched. Were they back to this now, after everything that had happened between them these last few days? Or maybe that was it. Maybe nothing had happened between them. Maybe it was all part of her overactive, over-yearning imagination.
“Michael said you look at my picture sometimes,” she offered in quiet explanation. “Doesn’t that mean you feel something?”
A patronizing laugh. “Stupid humans, always making it about themselves, about feelings. I look at your picture to remind myself why we can’t trust anyone. Why would you ever think anything else?”
The warm air was filled with a sudden chill, causing Liz to shiver. She was still wearing her winter coat but this particular wind was undeterred. She lifted her eyes to the once-clear blue sky and saw that the sun and its warmth had been blocked by thick, murky grey clouds that looked as though they were ready to let loose the rain within. What was going on above matched what was going on inside. But she would not cry in front of him. “I’m sorry. I don’t know why I thought you cared.”
“Why didn’t you care?”
The heartbroken accusation came from her left. The cold Max before her dissolved even before she had turned to face the new Max. He was standing several yards away from her and as she took a small step toward him, he took a large step back.
“I did care Max. I still do care,” she insisted urgently, somehow finding the inner strength to not run to him and fling her arms around him. He looked so distraught, so broken. In fact, with his khaki pants and grey t-shirt he was almost a carbon-copy of the Max she had left at Vasquez Rocks.
That day seemed to be on this Max’s mind as well.
“Why?” he managed to ask, the tears he had been trying to hold back slipping onto his cheek. “Why did you leave me? Why did you leave me when I was so confused and scared?”
“I’m so sorry, Max,” Liz apologized, her own tears falling softly. In the presence of this Max, this vulnerable Max, she had no qualms about showing her own vulnerable self. “I was hurt and scared too. I may have left but I didn’t stop caring. I never have.”
“Then why did you do it, Liz?” Another Max again spoke up from behind her. Wiping her tears as she turned, Liz was inflicted with the most painful sight yet. The storm-threatened pasture had morphed into her own balcony. And there was Max, standing on the ladder he had climbed so many times. He didn’t look angry or hurt rather oddly excited. Liz watched him climb over the wall and walk toward her window, passing her without so much as a glance.
“Oh god,” she moaned as she realized what was going on. She didn’t need to see the tickets in his hand to know what this was. His grey collared shirt was enough of a clue for her; her detail-oriented mind picked up on things like that. This was the night of Gomez, the night when things should have been cemented between them instead of irrevocably damaged. She had replayed this night over and over in her mind, usually choosing to imagine what the other timeline had held.
And sometimes she didn’t choose to torture herself. Sometimes she would just look at him and she would be involuntary hurled full force into those thoughts. That often happened whenever she saw him wearing this same shirt. When he did, she would look at it and know that in some other time, some other Liz had seen that shirt crumpled on her floor. Some other Liz would see him wear that shirt and be reminded of the first time she had made love with her love. But this Liz saw it and was reminded of exactly what was playing out before her eyes at this very moment.
Max’s fingers let the tickets slip free, his feet awkwardly backed away from her window. She continued to watch in horrified silence as he turned from the sight of Kyle and her in bed. He slowly walked way from the crushing view and this time as he passed he looked right into her eyes.
“Why did you sleep with him?” His voice was straight, no perceptible tremble or quiver to be heard. Only strong, searching demand. “Why were you unfaithful to me?”
Liz felt the words come out of her mouth before she had even one moment to consider the implications. “But I wasn’t, Max. I didn’t sleep with Kyle.”
Her hand quickly covered her mouth. Oh god. She had said it. Finally, after all these years, she had told him the truth. It felt... odd. And maybe that feeling was partially due to Max’s reaction. He didn’t seem fazed at all. The same blank expression he had worn since turning from the window was still on his face.
“Why did you lie to me?” was his eerily calm question.
“It, well, it was to save the world,” she explained in an unsure voice. It was, wasn’t it? That’s what her knowing and his unknowing sacrifice had been for, right?
The calm Max was transforming once again into an angry Max - except this time he wasn’t popping out from behind her in yet another persona. No, the same Max who went up to her window with such hope was now looking at her with heated venom.
“Why didn’t you trust me with that?” he spit out in disgust. “I trusted you with everything, Liz, even before you saw me as more than a lab partner. Why after everything we had been through didn’t you trust me with the truth?”
“I did trust you, Max, I did. That wasn’t it,” Liz protested earnestly but her declaration never met his ears as the space around her began to morph once more. The irate Max and her balcony were lost in a blinding white light that caused her to lose her sense of balance. When the light subsided, the ceiling of the Crashdown came into view. Liz realized she was once again lying down, only this time not so peaceably. A dull, yet increasing strong, ache filled her stomach. What was going on?
A panicked Max quickly appeared over her, ripping open the uniform she had just realized she was wearing. He touched his right hand to her cheek, the caress familiarly urgent. Yet instead of the kindly demanding “you have to look at me” or the frantic yet assuring “you’re all right now,” Max’s words were ones that wounded her a thousand times more over than the bullet currently lodged in her torso.
“Why didn’t you fight for us? Why didn’t you love me enough?”
A gasp was her only response. How could she reassure him when she didn’t even know the answers to his questions? How could she hope to make things right when she was still wondering the same? How could she dream of -
A sharp pain forced reality to quickly snap back into place. This awakening wasn’t as slow and sweet as the other had been, but it was much more real. Eyes still closed, she knew she was lying on the ground again, although she wasn’t laid out peaceably like Snow White waiting for her prince. And this ground was much harder and colder than the green pastures of her unconscious. The torturous dream world was gone, taking with it noble steeds, time warps, and many Maxes. But it left behind more than a few plaguing thoughts and questions.
It also left her to the physically painful truth of reality. The body she thought should be feeling a greater amount of agony in the dream world was feeling more than plenty in this world. Her entire being felt as though it had been subjected to a sledgehammer.
Another sharp explosion of nerves and Liz realized someone or something was slapping her face. Cracking open her eyes, she saw nothing but the fuzzy outline of a person standing over her.
A fuzzy, blue outline. Something was wrong with her vision. What she could make out was tinted and blurred by something blue and slightly gelatinous. Panic set in as Liz realized her eyes were covered by something distinctly alien. She tried to take off whatever was on her head but found she physically couldn’t move. Her arms were behind her back and something had bound her hands together.
With what little energy she had, she tried to blast herself free of her restraint.
Come on, sparkles, do your thing, she cheered on her temperamental power.
But it didn’t work. Either her hands weren’t working their alien magic or whatever was binding them had enough alien magic of its own to counter her light show.
Think, Liz, think. She had to do something. She couldn’t just lie here, wherever here was, with someone not so friendly straddling her defenseless body. Maybe she could squirm out from under those legs slowly enough that her captor wouldn’t notice until she was gone.
Or maybe she could turn into a pretty butterfly and just flutter on her merry way. That was about as likely to work.
She adjusted her body ever slightly and realized something new. Her legs weren’t bound.
This was it. She could just lift up her legs, land a good kick to her captor, and get the hell out of dodge. Except even if her captor didn’t land on top of her, and thus trapping her more, what real hope of escape did she have with her hands bound and her vision completely impaired by her blue Jello eyewear?
Maybe she could call out to Alex. He would come and then… then what? He couldn’t do anything to help her. Couldn’t interfere by knocking her captor out or talking someone into rescuing her. He could just watch and knowing he was seeing whatever was about to happen would only distract her more.
What the fuck was she going to do? She was in between a rock and hard place and no one who could help had a clue where she was.
Oh god. Maria. The complete memory of what had happened before she succumbed to the darkness rushed over her. Her breathing became increasingly erratic as she tried unsuccessfully to see if her best friend was lying somewhere near by. Was she being held captive too or had she been left for…
No, no, don’t think that Liz, she commanded herself. Maria’s fine; she has to be.
The figure above her chuckled, drawing her attention.
“Like a poor animal caught in a trap, frantically trying to get free. It’s almost cute.”
The voice was light, airy even. Clearly that of a female. Who the hell held her so helplessly before them?
The figure slowly crouched lower, the face coming into full view, well as good a view as the blue gel allowed. No sharp angles on this face, it looked both delicate and full. The figure, the woman, was blessed with soft Botticelli curls that rested on her shoulders. Even with the blue tint she could tell they were blonde.
The woman reminded her of someone, someone who shouldn’t be here. Someone who shouldn’t even be alive.
“Tess?” she thought to herself. Wait, no, that hadn’t been to herself. She had said that name out loud.
The woman, please God not Tess, laughed in pure delight. She reached a hand out toward Liz’s head. Liz tried to jerk away, to stop the hand from making contact, but was completely unsuccessful.
Instead of inflicting some torment, the hand touched something at Liz’s temple. Suddenly the blue goo that had been distorting her vision was gone, the quick transition leaving her lightheaded.
As the world and her mind came into clearer focus, she saw that the young woman didn’t actually have more than a passing resemblance to the woman who haunted her for so long. She shared the same blonde hair as Tess, same apparent height, a similar shape of face, and even, yep, even those too perfect blue eyes. But she wasn’t her.
She was actually a bit plainer; even with the expensive black power-suit clothing her body and the diamond studs gracing her ears, she missed that annoying sparkle Tess always had. If Liz had passed her on the street she might have given her a second glance given the hair and face shape, but nothing more.
The woman smiled as she watched Liz dissecting her.
“I guess there are worse things you could call me,” she snickered. “Sorry about the headgear, but your hair isn’t too messed up, if it’s any comfort.”
“Wha- what was that?” Liz’s curiosity surpassed the wisdom to keep quiet.
“Just a little something to keep unwanted visitors out of your head.”
“Unwanted...” The woman knew about Isabel. Who the hell was she?
“I’m sorry, I’m being rude. But I confess,” her captor whispered in an attempt to create false intimacy, “it’s a habit of mine. Harder to break than any one of your bones.”
She stood up quickly after that blatant (and successful) attempt at intimidation, moving away from Liz and toward one side of the room. Her captor’s movement gave Liz the opportunity to scoot her body so she was sitting up, giving her both a better view of her surroundings and the false sense of having more control.
The room looked like it might be in an abandoned warehouse or something. There was a door in front of her, which was where the woman was now standing, talking to someone Liz couldn’t see on the other side. A few metal columns and arches, a couple crossbeams, and oddly hanging electrical outlets filled the otherwise empty space. The walls on either side each had one small sconce that provided little illumination. A row of small windows behind her was letting the last of the daylight in but none of the sun’s warmth. This cold, dimly lit room did not help her nerves.
And nowhere in this strange room did Liz see even a trace of Maria.
Maybe she was being held in another room. Liz thought briefly about trying to reach out with her powers, to see if she could sense Maria. But the idea was quickly rejected. She didn’t dare, not given what had happened the last few times she had reached out. Instinct, natural and supernatural, told her that this woman was the source of the evil she had been sensing.
But Liz had to hope for the best. Her captor didn’t seem stupid and leaving the two best friends together would definitely increase their chances of a successful escape attempt. Yes, that had to be it. Maria was perfectly okay, just okay in another room.
And maybe the two burly men coming through the door right now had just gone to make sure her best friend was comfortable.
Yeah, Liz, and your turn-into-a-butterfly plan might actually work, she mocked herself as she tried not to become more freaked out by the sight of her captor being flanked by the ex-pro wrestlers.
Liz tried to squirm away from the approaching trio but her efforts were in vain. The two men each grabbed one of her arms, dragging her up by them. They pulled her over to one of the metal columns, unbound her hands and then bound them up around the column so quickly she didn’t have time to take advantage of the brief freedom.
“There we go, much better,” the woman exclaimed with unnerving pleasure. “If you two will please take your positions outside, this one and I will get started.”
Get started with what? Liz wondered with increasing unease as the muscle left. This could not be good.
“Before we do get started, Lizzie dear, I’m sure that inquisitive mind of yours has a couple questions you’d like to ask. Go ahead,” she said as if she were daring her, “I’m an open book.”
“Who are you?” The question just rolled off her tongue.
“Oh, Liz,” the woman sighed with overemphasis, “I’m so disappointed. I know we didn’t spend much time together before but I thought you would have figured that out by now. You are supposed to be the brain behind the brawn that is Max Evans. He’s gotta get it from somewhere and we all know Rath isn’t going to be of much help in that department.”
The woman’s patronizing tone kicked Liz out of her “I’ve-just-been-abducted” stupor. “You’ll have to excuse my slowness this evening. I don’t normally have to solve stupid riddles after being knocked unconscious.”
“Oh, feisty. Now that I like in a woman. Even a human.”
“In a woman...” Something about the way she said that just sounded off.
“Ah, I see those wheels a-turnin’. But my amusement with our little Q and A is rapidly disappearing.” Her captor, who until now had kept a respectable distance between them, stepped near enough to graze her manicured nails against Liz’s temple. “Are you going to figure this out or am I going to have to ruin the fun by fucking up your head so bad you can’t remember your own name, let alone mine?”
The pieces of this puzzle finally fit together.
“Nicholas ” she gasped in realization.
“The one and the same. Well, no,” she, or he, took a step back and gestured with a grin to the new and improved skin, “I guess not the same. Feel free to call me Nikki if that helps.”
Liz felt her head swarm once again as she took in this information. She had been captured by Nicholas, the man who had been hunting Max for years and visa versa. This poshly dressed woman was Nicholas’s new skin.
It was brilliant, really. Nicholas could hide in plain sight, watch the three hybrids without much concern of being IDed as an alien himself. Though well-dressed, she wasn’t striking enough to stick in anyone’s memory. In fact, Max, Michael, and Isabel could walk right past him, her, on the street and any weird vibes they might pick up would be attributed to her slight resemblance to Tess.
Great, Liz realized with a heavy heart. I’m stuck here with a deranged killer who happens to have brains.
Never one to just give in, Liz gave Nicholas-Nikki as much attitude as she could muster in her current, defenseless situation. “So, Nikki, did you bring me here because you wanted to have some girl time? You know, you could have just invited me for a sleep over like a normal person. At the very least you could have stopped and picked up my toothbrush.”
Nikki snorted. “Again, saucy. I like it, but don’t think it’s going to buy you any mercy. I don’t really do mercy.”
Her words caused Liz’s greatest concern to rush forward. “Where’s Maria?”
“Who?” Nikki asked, genuinely unsure.
“Maria,” Liz repeated with slow enunciation. “The woman I was with when you jumped us like a coward.”
Her captor gave Liz a quick glare before answering. “Oh, yes, the blonde who was Michael’s special friend. I don’t know where she is.”
“What do you mean?” she demanded.
“I mean,” Nikki echoed firmly, becoming less amused by her feisty attitude, “I don’t know where she is. She could still be where she fell or she could be running through the streets of New York. I didn’t leave someone to watch her.”
If she could be running around the city that means she must be -
“So you left her there, unharmed?” Alive.
“I wouldn’t say unharmed. I’d guess she’s experiencing the same aches and pains you are right now. Getting blasted is never fun. Or so I hear.”
“But she’s alive?” Liz pressed, needing to hear the words.
“She seemed to be when we left.”
That was such good news. Yet it didn’t make much sense. Nicholas just left her there? Unharmed except for the killer ache she was going to have when she woke up?
“Why should I believe you?”
Nikki didn’t seem insulted by her question rather she seemed bored by the turn of the conversation. She even moved away from Liz, toward the row of windows as she spoke.
“I don’t care why you should believe me.” She paused, stood up on the tips of her leather boots, and looked one of the windows. Focused outward, she added, “And I suppose that’s why you can. If I had killed her, I wouldn’t exactly have any qualms about hiding that from you, now would I?”
“I - no.” Liz was partially dumfounded by Nikki’s use of obvious logic.
“Besides,” she said as she turned back with a sudden renewed interest in her quarry, “someone had to run and tell Max I’ve got his Crackerjack prize.”
“What?”
“Oh, come on, why do you think you’re here? I’ve never been one for female bonding, before or after my little transformation. You’re bringing the king right to me.”
Liz was only mildly confused by Nikki’s statement. Of course Max was involved; everything seemed to have something to do with him lately. But the logic she had been reluctantly admiring in her captor seemed to be a bit faulty.
“But Maria doesn’t know who attacked her. How is she going to know to tell Max?”
Nikki answered with full-throated laugh. The itching Liz’s fingers had to do some damage to the other woman grew increasingly stronger at that sound.
“I don’t care if she told him you were abducted by Bigfoot. He’ll know it was me.”
“But how will he know where to find you, us?” she countered, once again in reluctant agreement with her. Given Max’s ultimatum yesterday he would know exactly who had attacked she and Maria. That made sense. But Max had been searching for Nicholas for years and never caught up with him. Except, she realized, Nicholas hadn’t wanted to be caught then.
“He’s been here before. You know, for the little summit that was a lot like the one you’ve been hanging out at. Last one was better, though. I had an invitation and Max had a hottie on his arm instead of Rath.”
Liz was not going to let Nicholas’ reference to Tess bother her. She had let Kivar get a rise out of her but she would not give this evil alien that same satisfaction.
“And what? You’re pissed you didn’t get an invitation so you decided to crash the party?”
Nikki waved her hand in dismissal. “You’ve had enough questions. This game is boring me.”
“I’m sorry to be so dull,” she retorted quickly. “If you let my hands free I could put on a good magic show.”
“Thanks for the offer, but I’ve got a better idea.” The glint in the woman’s eyes made Liz nervous. “Why don’t you show me some home movies while we wait?”
Shit. Shit. Liz tried not to let her panic show. She had no idea how successful she was in that endeavor.
“I don’t see any popcorn,” she countered, trying to be the same saucy woman she had been only minutes before. “It wouldn’t be the same.”
“Don’t worry,” the blonde assured with a sickening smile. “We’ll make do.”
As Nicholas walked the last few feet to stand directly in front of Liz, she made one last desperate attempt to get free of her bounds. Fuck her cool, she wanted out of there. Yet no matter how much she squirmed or tried to spark her way free, she was trapped.
But she couldn’t be. Nicholas could not get in, could not see what she knew. Too much, she knew too much.
Alex, she screamed in her mind. Alex!
Her eyes frantically searched the room, hoping for a miracle. What good was it having your own guardian angel figure if last minute saves didn’t come with the package? Alex would find a way to send someone. He would. And that someone would come in through the door at any moment and save her. They just had to.
Except the door remained closed. No one burst through to save the day. She remained alone in the room with a power-hunger, mind-raping alien who was raising her hands to Liz’s head.
“Just close your eyes,” the woman whispered as she threaded her fingers through Liz’s hair, clasping both sides of her head. “Or not. Either way this is going to hurt like a bitch.”
The connection opened and Liz immediately discovered that, yet again, Nicholas was right.
Last edited by Doublestuf on Thu Sep 08, 2005 3:02 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Doublestuf
- Enthusiastic Roswellian
- Posts: 56
- Joined: Tue Oct 09, 2001 4:58 pm
Part 19
Part 19
Prince of Darkness
My place is of the sun and this place is of the dark
I do not feel the romance I do not catch the spark
I don't know when I noticed life was life at my expense
The words of my heart lined up like prisoners on a fence
The dreams came in like needy children tugging at my sleeve
I said I have no way of feeding you, so leave
But there was a time I asked my father for a dollar
And he gave it a ten dollar raise
When I needed my mother and I called her
She stayed with me for days
And now someone's on the telephone, desperate in his pain
Someone's on the bathroom floor doing her cocaine
Someone's got his finger on the button in some room
No one can convince me we aren't gluttons for our doom
But I tried to make this place my place
I asked for Providence to smile upon me with his sweet face
But I'll tell you
My place is of the sun and this place is of the dark
I do not feel the romance I do not catch the spark
My place is of the sun and this place is of the dark
(By grace, my sight grows stronger and I will not
be a pawn for the Prince of Darkness any longer)
Maybe there's no haven in this world for tender age
My heart beat like the wings of wild birds in a cage
My greatest hope my greatest cause to grieve
And my heart flew from its cage and it bled upon my sleeve
The cries of passion were like wounds that needed healing
I couldn't hear them for the thunder
I was half the naked distance between hell and heaven's ceiling
And he almost pulled me under
Now someone's on the telephone desperate in his pain
Someone's on the bathroom floor doing her cocaine
Someone's got his finger on the button in some room
No one can convince me we aren't gluttons for our doom
I tried to make this place my place
I asked for Providence to smile upon me with his sweet face
But I'll tell you
My place is of the sun and this place is of the dark
I do not feel the romance I do not catch of spark
My place is of the sun and this place is of the dark
(By grace my sight grows stronger, grows stronger)
I do not feel the romance I do not catch the spark
(And I will not be a pawn for the Prince of Darkness any longer)
- Indigo Girls
When Liz was going through “The Change,” as Maria had dubbed her and Kyle’s evolution of sorts (a term that mortified Kyle when he discovered what else it referred to), she had experienced a good deal of pain. Before she had learned how to control them, or semi-control them, her sparks invoked the memory of touching a hot stove. The few times the electricity or energy or whatever it was coursed uncontrollably through her, it felt like all her skin was on fire.
During that first week when The Change began, she had snuck out of her house to sleep at Kyle’s. As long as she crashed there her parents wouldn’t find themselves woken up in the middle of the night by her screaming. In that first week there had been quite a bit of screaming.
Yet all the agony she had experienced during that time had barely prepared her for what was happening now. Then the pain just covered the exterior of her body, scorching her skin. Now the pain consumed her whole being. It wasn’t just her skin that was on fire – it was her insides. Head down to her toes. And even though her parents were in Roswell, they could probably hear her screaming now.
The torture stopped abruptly. The pain subsided surprisingly quickly, though her body still tingled and she very nearly lost the battle with nausea. As she began to sense things beyond the pain, she noticed that Nikki was bent over, holding her stomach.
Has something happened? Had the connection backfired and hurt her captor somehow?
No, Liz realized woefully as her hearing got a little stronger, no such luck. Nikki wasn’t hurt, she was laughing.
“Oh that’s rich, that’s too rich,” the woman gasped through her amusement.
Liz wished she could whip out some smart-ass quip but she was too drained to even make an attempt. How she was even still standing was beyond her. She wished that she could shut that mouth though. Seeing Nicholas in hysterical laughter after taking a stroll through her life ranked right up there with listening to Tess gloat about her relationship with Max. And yet all she could do was sit and watch the alien laugh. At least she didn’t faint.
Wiping tears from her eyes, Nikki gathered herself together with a deep breath.
“You humans,” she sighed with a smile. “You may be stupid little pests but you do manage to get yourselves in the most amusing situations. I was just trying to pass the time with a quick scan but I think that little brain of yours may be worth a repeat viewing.”
It wasn’t all that loud or strong but Liz managed to find her voice. “Stay out of my head.”
Nikki leaned back against the column across from Liz, extreme satisfaction gracing her face. “Why? You’ve got passion, martyrdom, betrayal, sex, and a bit of violence. And new and fascinating facts about the granolith. A time-machine, huh? That could prove useful when it becomes mine.”
Damn. Liz hadn’t realized she had been holding out hope that Nicholas had somehow missed the information about the granolith until that hope was crushed. Even if the general couldn’t use any knowledge he collected without the seal, the less he knew the better.
But if he had seen her entire life, Liz concluded, he would know about Alex. Was he so cocksure, er, self-confident that the involvement of divine beings couldn’t keep the laughter at bay?
“If you’ve seen all that, then you know you’re not going to win.”
Nikki laughed again, this time in disbelief. “I’m sorry, but what about your life should make me doubt my inevitable success?”
“The higher power that brought me here.”
“Larek?” Again more laughter. “I wouldn’t exactly call him a higher power, but whatever floats your alien groupie boat.”
Liz opened her mouth to challenge Nikki but quickly closed it again. Alex had said that Guardians could perform selective revelation she just hadn’t realized it went beyond the there and now. If Nicholas didn’t know about the Greater Beings that had an interest in the council and all its players, she wasn’t about to let that one advantage go.
She also wasn’t going to just stand there and let Nikki keep laughing at her. While she couldn’t throw having divine beings on her side at the other woman, she could poke at least some holes in her confidence.
“You’re not going to win,” she restated, her voice stronger than it had been so far. And then she added something new. Something deep down, even after the past few days, she feared was true. “If you’ve seen my life then you know Max doesn’t care. Not enough to walk into such an obvious trap.”
Nikki’s eyes moved fluttered quickly to the door before resting on Liz again. Her face contorted into an expression of insincere sympathy. “Poor girl, burned so badly when all you wanted to do was save the world. Don’t they teach you humans anything? Grand heroics never mean anything but trouble.”
Liz hated the fact that more than a part of her agreed with the alien.
“Right. Trouble,” she echoed, forcing Nikki’s observation back on her. “Not Max. Why do you think you’re going to get anything different?”
“Because it’s not about you, dearie.” She shook her head, as if disappointed in Liz. “Max has been after me for years. And I’m tired of waiting on him. If I had to wait for Max to figure out who and where I am, I’d probably never get off this fucking planet. I’m calling an end to our own little Where’s Waldo. That’s why he’s coming.”
“Then why kidnap me?”
She shrugged. “I suppose I could have just sent him a note, ‘I’ll be the one wearing the red rose,’ or whatever. But this is so much more interesting. Besides, I wanted a chance to meet the girl who, at least for a time, held Zan captive.”
So the current sharp explosions in her brain and the impending death weren’t necessary side effects of Nicholas’ plan. They were a side effect of the alien’s curiosity. Oh that made her feel so much better.
“So now you’re holding me captive. Nice.”
“See, you humans are so funny.”
“Glad to know we serve a purpose,” Liz popped off.
“Don’t worry, you serve several.” The look in Nikki’s eye bordered on a leer. “You’re just his human plaything, you know. Or at least you should have been. Something he should have enjoyed and gotten rid of when he was done. But our little king has never managed to get things right. You use humans; you don’t care for them.”
Liz wouldn’t wish being a human plaything for Nicholas on her worst enemy, which ironically was a position that hadn’t actually been filled by a human for years.
“And here you are,” Nikki continued with a shake of her blonde head, “back again like a poor mutt seeking treats from the hand that hits it.”
“Excuse me?” Liz knew she shouldn’t engage with the woman; it would only encourage her, if she even needed such a thing. But she had just compared her to an abused dog. The words that slipped out couldn’t be helped.
“Trying to reach out,” the woman spoke plainly, as though her statement didn’t warrant the need for explanation but she was giving it anyway, “connect to your distant lover.”
Liz’s eyes may have flinched, but she gave no other sign at her extreme distaste at hearing Nicholas’ thoughts on her relationship with Max.
“Again, you’re just so funny, in that pathetic sort of way. All this time and energy to get back a man who sees you as nothing more than a scratching post for his occasional itch.”
Liz gave no response, an act that required most her available energy, and after Nikki poking around in her head, that wasn’t much. She didn’t manage, however, to keep herself from agreeing with the woman yet again. She kept trying to block that memory of being so poorly used, the anger and hurt that came with it. But Nikki had stripped all of her defenses. No vulnerable looks from Max, no words from Michael about things worth fighting for, nothing could stop those feelings and the lingering doubt they caused.
Moving away from the column to pace back and forth in front of Liz as though in deep, serious contemplation, Nikki continued. “Now I can’t decide my favorite moment. I did enjoy that little confrontation about, what was it, Sweden? And oh that recent exchange in the park was so sweet. Ah, but the piece de resistance really has to be that tragic tryst.”
Still, she kept silent.
“And for this pathetic excuse of a king you risk life and limb.” Nikki shook her head again in disgust. “What is it with you women? You throw yourselves at men who don’t deserve you? You and Ava with Max, Vilandra with Kivar. Such interesting women who lost their lives thanks to the men the loved.”
Liz really, really didn’t like that Nikki included her in a list of women who had lost their lives. The forgone conclusion of the woman’s statement more than troubled her.
“I never understood this thing called love. Is it really worth your life?”
Was that a rhetorical question or did she really want an answer? Liz opted to hold her tongue, which didn’t appear to bother Nikki who kept talking.
“All this time and energy, all this pain and suffering, and what do you have to show for it?” Nikki gave a half-smile as she looked Liz up and down. “At least Ava got to be called Queen before she found herself in your shoes. But did she care about such a thing? No, stupid girl. She just wanted her husband to love her, which of course he never did.”
Liz flirted briefly with the idea of pushing Nicholas on that subject. Larek had hinted at the unhappiness in that alliance and she found her curiosity and, if she were honest with herself, the competitive feelings she had once felt with Tess piqued. If she were going to die tonight, it might be her last chance to know more. But if she was going to die, did she really want to waste her energy on such a topic? Was she so pathetic, as Nicholas had said, that she would find satisfaction in knowing that even if it hadn’t lasted, the only love Max had known in any life had been with her?
She might have been that pathetic, but Nikki kept monologuing and her window of opportunity to find out passed by.
“Ava really was such a stupid woman. She spent her time and energy worrying about love when she could have used her resources in pursuit of the one thing really worth all that agony. Power.”
“You’re the stupid one.” Both Nikki and Liz were surprised by the sound of Liz’s voice. She hadn’t meant to speak up, to agitate her captor at this particular moment, but something in the alien’s most recent speech had just said bothered Liz more than any of Nikki’s digs about her relationship with Max.
“Is that right? Do tell,” the alien replied with sugary encouragement.
“Power isn’t something to dedicate your life to. It won’t bring you what you think you’re looking for.”
“Well, crap,” Nikki smirked as she stopped her pacing to stand a foot away from Liz. “You mean I’ve been worshipping at the altar of power for nothing? That’s a shame. So tell me, dearie, what should I have been looking for. Love?” The last word came out with a snort.
“Peace,” Liz replied simply. “That’s something worth trying for.”
Nikki laughed, no, cackled. “And this coming from a human.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Liz asked, noting to herself that Nikki’s continuous laughter at her expense was growing more annoying than either the pain in her abused head or her bound hands.
“Did you know that there are only twenty-nine years in all your species’ history where there has been no war? And yet you speak of peace.” She said that word as if it were a curse. She even shuddered. “I’ve known peace. The Antarians were such a boring, peaceful people. When Kivar took over, it had been over a hundred years since that planet had seen anything resembling a war. Probably why it was such an easy invasion. The Antarian people, they don’t do well with war, can’t handle it emotionally.”
Nikki took a small step closer, invading whatever sense of personal space Liz might have once had.
“Now my people,” she purred in delight, “oh my people are warriors. We know war, we make war, we love war. That’s why I accepted this stupid job in the first place, coming to earth. I thought it would be a more interesting place than it is, given its violent history. I was so disappointed. You people may make war but you feel bad about it. You keep trying to do good. It’s so boring.”
“I’m sorry we’ve been such a tiresome burden,” Liz muttered rather insincerely.
“Oh, don’t worry. I’ve found ways to amuse myself,” Nikki grinned as she reached out, gently brushing Liz’s temple. The involuntary flinch Liz made only caused Nikki’s smile to grow.
“And speaking of amusement, it seems your white knight is taking his time getting up here. Perhaps I placed too many guards for him to get here in a timely fashion.” Nikki paused for a moment for genuine reflection. But only for a moment. Shrugging, she continued. “Well, we’ll just have to make the best of it.”
“You want to paint each other’s nails?” Liz offered, trying to sound smart but the words fell flat.
As Nikki threaded her hands through Liz’s hair, those nails digging into her scalp, Liz wondered if she would have any of her sense left when, if, someone came to rescue her.
“I don’t think we have the time for that today. But luckily,” she taunted, “we’ve just enough time to take another spin.”
Before Liz could brace herself for the pain, she felt herself being sucked back into the connection. The dimly lit room around her was filled with swirling colors as the memories that helped form her very identity became once again vulnerable to Nicholas.
And then the swirling colors stopped, the pain never came. Nikki hadn’t made a full connection yet, so she couldn’t have seen anything new to amuse her. Liz wondered why she had stopped so suddenly.
She didn’t have to wonder long.
“I almost forgot to warn you. This little trick of mine, it can bring about some nasty side effects. You’ve probably noticed the pain. But there are worse things than that.”
Of that Liz had no doubt.
“The mind can become fractured, the person lost within. I want you to be here to see Max fall, but I can’t guarantee you’ll make it through this next round.”
“Thank you for your concern,” Liz mumbled.
“Oh, I don’t mean you’ll die,” Nikki quickly assured her, at least it almost sounded like an attempt at assurance. “You just may not have your wits about you. Ever again.”
That would make graduating in the spring a little more difficult.
“You only die if the person riffling through your mind doesn’t care enough to use mild restraint. I hear it’s a horrible way to go.” Nikki leaned her head over and whispered into Liz’s ear. “I guess we could just ask your friend Alex.”
At the mention of Alex’s name, his death, Liz felt rage bubbling up within. This rage was still building when Nikki started to connect with her again. The colors swirled, the pain started, but her rage was a more powerful sensation.
As her memories began to tear away, becoming victim to Nicholas’ plunder, they flashed in her mind’s eye. One of them was from the summer of her sixth grade year. She, Maria, and Alex were gathered in her bedroom watching an old sitcom on Nick at Night. It wasn’t a significant memory, and it came and went rather quickly, but it was enough to set the fire of her anger to a blaze.
Alex, Maria, herself. They had all lost so much thanks to people like Nicholas and Tess. Those who truly thought power was the most important thing in the universe. Those who treated people as though they mattered little, or not at all. She wished that they could feel what it was like, that they could feel the pain of having your dreams, your heart, your life ripped away. Wished they could –
In the middle of her mental rant Liz noticed something odd. The pain was gone. And instead of her own memories flashing in her mind, she was being bombarded by something else. Something wholly unfamiliar. Red sand, two moons. A creature Liz somehow knew as Nicholas training for battle with other Skins. The utter disgust of being stuck in the powerless form of a little boy. A message from Kivar telling him his services were no longer needed.
Image after image rushed upon her, overwhelming her. Liz had to stop this connection, her mind couldn’t handle it after its previous abuse. She tried to break it, tried to stop the influx of memories. She mentally pushed Nikki away, drawing on the anger she still felt coursing through her body, allowing her emotion to give her power. It tore through her, into Nikki, engulfing them both.
The connection broke in the middle of a memory, making Liz rather grateful. She hadn’t fully understood what had been going on in that particular memory of Nikki’s, but it had involved a lot of blood and screaming. She took a deep breath, allowing herself a moment before she opened her eyes to a confused and certainly angry alien. She slowly opened her eyes and was greeted with one of the most astonishing sights of her life.
She was alone in the room. And it was snowing.
Liz gasped in sudden, shocked awareness. Though she hadn’t intended to, somehow she had done what Max, Michael and Isabel had failed to do for years. She had killed Nicholas.
For such an evil, gaudy presence, he had gone quietly. The only evidence that something major had just occurred were the busted light fixtures and the floating bits of Nikki. No loud shouts or shrieks accompanied his end, which was probably a good thing as those might have caught the attention of the Skins on the other side of the door. Sinking down to the ground, all energy completely drained, Liz was thankful she wouldn’t have to prepare for another fight so soon after her ordeal with Nicholas. Maybe she would have enough time to regroup before faced with more threats.
The white remains of her tormentor filled the space of her captivity. As her mind and body shut even further down, she found herself bewitched by the substance. In a daze she watched a piece flutter through a shaft of moonlight then back into the shadows. It was eerily pretty. She really ought to be making plans to flee, to get out of her bindings and past the Skins guarding her door. She ought to, but she couldn’t. All she could do was sit and watch pieces of white float by.
A muffled roar of pure rage interrupted her exhausted daze. Her attention was quickly drawn from the aftermath of her own battle to one clearly going on beyond the wall in front of her.
Liz knew what that sound meant. Someone had come for her and was currently exchanging shots with the Skins guarding the entrance to this room.
A loud thud, the sound of someone hitting concrete hard, came from a few yards and a wall away. Faint gurgling sounds paired with smaller thumping against the wall suggested someone being strangled. She tried to prepare herself, get her hands free of their binding and blast ready, but couldn’t find the strength. She just had to hope she wouldn’t need any energy or blasting hands when the winner stepped through the door.
Shuffling and some more thuds indicated that whoever was being choked wasn’t going down easily. She just hoped that the battle would be over before anyone entered the room. She didn’t want to have faced down an evil alien general only to be caught in the crossfire.
A shriek filled her ears and Liz knew the fight was over. The question was: who won? Not only that, but who had come for her? Had Maria found Michael? Did Alex find a way to work some divine intervention?
The door flung wide open and standing in the frame, breathing heavily, hands set before him, looking ready to take on whatever and whoever might stand in his way, was her answer.
Max.
-----------------------------------
A/N: In case anyone is curious, the little statistic Nikki quotes about 29 years (you'll know when you see) comes from Chris Hedges' War Is A Force That Gives Us Meaning. Great book, though emotionally challenging.
Prince of Darkness
My place is of the sun and this place is of the dark
I do not feel the romance I do not catch the spark
I don't know when I noticed life was life at my expense
The words of my heart lined up like prisoners on a fence
The dreams came in like needy children tugging at my sleeve
I said I have no way of feeding you, so leave
But there was a time I asked my father for a dollar
And he gave it a ten dollar raise
When I needed my mother and I called her
She stayed with me for days
And now someone's on the telephone, desperate in his pain
Someone's on the bathroom floor doing her cocaine
Someone's got his finger on the button in some room
No one can convince me we aren't gluttons for our doom
But I tried to make this place my place
I asked for Providence to smile upon me with his sweet face
But I'll tell you
My place is of the sun and this place is of the dark
I do not feel the romance I do not catch the spark
My place is of the sun and this place is of the dark
(By grace, my sight grows stronger and I will not
be a pawn for the Prince of Darkness any longer)
Maybe there's no haven in this world for tender age
My heart beat like the wings of wild birds in a cage
My greatest hope my greatest cause to grieve
And my heart flew from its cage and it bled upon my sleeve
The cries of passion were like wounds that needed healing
I couldn't hear them for the thunder
I was half the naked distance between hell and heaven's ceiling
And he almost pulled me under
Now someone's on the telephone desperate in his pain
Someone's on the bathroom floor doing her cocaine
Someone's got his finger on the button in some room
No one can convince me we aren't gluttons for our doom
I tried to make this place my place
I asked for Providence to smile upon me with his sweet face
But I'll tell you
My place is of the sun and this place is of the dark
I do not feel the romance I do not catch of spark
My place is of the sun and this place is of the dark
(By grace my sight grows stronger, grows stronger)
I do not feel the romance I do not catch the spark
(And I will not be a pawn for the Prince of Darkness any longer)
- Indigo Girls
When Liz was going through “The Change,” as Maria had dubbed her and Kyle’s evolution of sorts (a term that mortified Kyle when he discovered what else it referred to), she had experienced a good deal of pain. Before she had learned how to control them, or semi-control them, her sparks invoked the memory of touching a hot stove. The few times the electricity or energy or whatever it was coursed uncontrollably through her, it felt like all her skin was on fire.
During that first week when The Change began, she had snuck out of her house to sleep at Kyle’s. As long as she crashed there her parents wouldn’t find themselves woken up in the middle of the night by her screaming. In that first week there had been quite a bit of screaming.
Yet all the agony she had experienced during that time had barely prepared her for what was happening now. Then the pain just covered the exterior of her body, scorching her skin. Now the pain consumed her whole being. It wasn’t just her skin that was on fire – it was her insides. Head down to her toes. And even though her parents were in Roswell, they could probably hear her screaming now.
The torture stopped abruptly. The pain subsided surprisingly quickly, though her body still tingled and she very nearly lost the battle with nausea. As she began to sense things beyond the pain, she noticed that Nikki was bent over, holding her stomach.
Has something happened? Had the connection backfired and hurt her captor somehow?
No, Liz realized woefully as her hearing got a little stronger, no such luck. Nikki wasn’t hurt, she was laughing.
“Oh that’s rich, that’s too rich,” the woman gasped through her amusement.
Liz wished she could whip out some smart-ass quip but she was too drained to even make an attempt. How she was even still standing was beyond her. She wished that she could shut that mouth though. Seeing Nicholas in hysterical laughter after taking a stroll through her life ranked right up there with listening to Tess gloat about her relationship with Max. And yet all she could do was sit and watch the alien laugh. At least she didn’t faint.
Wiping tears from her eyes, Nikki gathered herself together with a deep breath.
“You humans,” she sighed with a smile. “You may be stupid little pests but you do manage to get yourselves in the most amusing situations. I was just trying to pass the time with a quick scan but I think that little brain of yours may be worth a repeat viewing.”
It wasn’t all that loud or strong but Liz managed to find her voice. “Stay out of my head.”
Nikki leaned back against the column across from Liz, extreme satisfaction gracing her face. “Why? You’ve got passion, martyrdom, betrayal, sex, and a bit of violence. And new and fascinating facts about the granolith. A time-machine, huh? That could prove useful when it becomes mine.”
Damn. Liz hadn’t realized she had been holding out hope that Nicholas had somehow missed the information about the granolith until that hope was crushed. Even if the general couldn’t use any knowledge he collected without the seal, the less he knew the better.
But if he had seen her entire life, Liz concluded, he would know about Alex. Was he so cocksure, er, self-confident that the involvement of divine beings couldn’t keep the laughter at bay?
“If you’ve seen all that, then you know you’re not going to win.”
Nikki laughed again, this time in disbelief. “I’m sorry, but what about your life should make me doubt my inevitable success?”
“The higher power that brought me here.”
“Larek?” Again more laughter. “I wouldn’t exactly call him a higher power, but whatever floats your alien groupie boat.”
Liz opened her mouth to challenge Nikki but quickly closed it again. Alex had said that Guardians could perform selective revelation she just hadn’t realized it went beyond the there and now. If Nicholas didn’t know about the Greater Beings that had an interest in the council and all its players, she wasn’t about to let that one advantage go.
She also wasn’t going to just stand there and let Nikki keep laughing at her. While she couldn’t throw having divine beings on her side at the other woman, she could poke at least some holes in her confidence.
“You’re not going to win,” she restated, her voice stronger than it had been so far. And then she added something new. Something deep down, even after the past few days, she feared was true. “If you’ve seen my life then you know Max doesn’t care. Not enough to walk into such an obvious trap.”
Nikki’s eyes moved fluttered quickly to the door before resting on Liz again. Her face contorted into an expression of insincere sympathy. “Poor girl, burned so badly when all you wanted to do was save the world. Don’t they teach you humans anything? Grand heroics never mean anything but trouble.”
Liz hated the fact that more than a part of her agreed with the alien.
“Right. Trouble,” she echoed, forcing Nikki’s observation back on her. “Not Max. Why do you think you’re going to get anything different?”
“Because it’s not about you, dearie.” She shook her head, as if disappointed in Liz. “Max has been after me for years. And I’m tired of waiting on him. If I had to wait for Max to figure out who and where I am, I’d probably never get off this fucking planet. I’m calling an end to our own little Where’s Waldo. That’s why he’s coming.”
“Then why kidnap me?”
She shrugged. “I suppose I could have just sent him a note, ‘I’ll be the one wearing the red rose,’ or whatever. But this is so much more interesting. Besides, I wanted a chance to meet the girl who, at least for a time, held Zan captive.”
So the current sharp explosions in her brain and the impending death weren’t necessary side effects of Nicholas’ plan. They were a side effect of the alien’s curiosity. Oh that made her feel so much better.
“So now you’re holding me captive. Nice.”
“See, you humans are so funny.”
“Glad to know we serve a purpose,” Liz popped off.
“Don’t worry, you serve several.” The look in Nikki’s eye bordered on a leer. “You’re just his human plaything, you know. Or at least you should have been. Something he should have enjoyed and gotten rid of when he was done. But our little king has never managed to get things right. You use humans; you don’t care for them.”
Liz wouldn’t wish being a human plaything for Nicholas on her worst enemy, which ironically was a position that hadn’t actually been filled by a human for years.
“And here you are,” Nikki continued with a shake of her blonde head, “back again like a poor mutt seeking treats from the hand that hits it.”
“Excuse me?” Liz knew she shouldn’t engage with the woman; it would only encourage her, if she even needed such a thing. But she had just compared her to an abused dog. The words that slipped out couldn’t be helped.
“Trying to reach out,” the woman spoke plainly, as though her statement didn’t warrant the need for explanation but she was giving it anyway, “connect to your distant lover.”
Liz’s eyes may have flinched, but she gave no other sign at her extreme distaste at hearing Nicholas’ thoughts on her relationship with Max.
“Again, you’re just so funny, in that pathetic sort of way. All this time and energy to get back a man who sees you as nothing more than a scratching post for his occasional itch.”
Liz gave no response, an act that required most her available energy, and after Nikki poking around in her head, that wasn’t much. She didn’t manage, however, to keep herself from agreeing with the woman yet again. She kept trying to block that memory of being so poorly used, the anger and hurt that came with it. But Nikki had stripped all of her defenses. No vulnerable looks from Max, no words from Michael about things worth fighting for, nothing could stop those feelings and the lingering doubt they caused.
Moving away from the column to pace back and forth in front of Liz as though in deep, serious contemplation, Nikki continued. “Now I can’t decide my favorite moment. I did enjoy that little confrontation about, what was it, Sweden? And oh that recent exchange in the park was so sweet. Ah, but the piece de resistance really has to be that tragic tryst.”
Still, she kept silent.
“And for this pathetic excuse of a king you risk life and limb.” Nikki shook her head again in disgust. “What is it with you women? You throw yourselves at men who don’t deserve you? You and Ava with Max, Vilandra with Kivar. Such interesting women who lost their lives thanks to the men the loved.”
Liz really, really didn’t like that Nikki included her in a list of women who had lost their lives. The forgone conclusion of the woman’s statement more than troubled her.
“I never understood this thing called love. Is it really worth your life?”
Was that a rhetorical question or did she really want an answer? Liz opted to hold her tongue, which didn’t appear to bother Nikki who kept talking.
“All this time and energy, all this pain and suffering, and what do you have to show for it?” Nikki gave a half-smile as she looked Liz up and down. “At least Ava got to be called Queen before she found herself in your shoes. But did she care about such a thing? No, stupid girl. She just wanted her husband to love her, which of course he never did.”
Liz flirted briefly with the idea of pushing Nicholas on that subject. Larek had hinted at the unhappiness in that alliance and she found her curiosity and, if she were honest with herself, the competitive feelings she had once felt with Tess piqued. If she were going to die tonight, it might be her last chance to know more. But if she was going to die, did she really want to waste her energy on such a topic? Was she so pathetic, as Nicholas had said, that she would find satisfaction in knowing that even if it hadn’t lasted, the only love Max had known in any life had been with her?
She might have been that pathetic, but Nikki kept monologuing and her window of opportunity to find out passed by.
“Ava really was such a stupid woman. She spent her time and energy worrying about love when she could have used her resources in pursuit of the one thing really worth all that agony. Power.”
“You’re the stupid one.” Both Nikki and Liz were surprised by the sound of Liz’s voice. She hadn’t meant to speak up, to agitate her captor at this particular moment, but something in the alien’s most recent speech had just said bothered Liz more than any of Nikki’s digs about her relationship with Max.
“Is that right? Do tell,” the alien replied with sugary encouragement.
“Power isn’t something to dedicate your life to. It won’t bring you what you think you’re looking for.”
“Well, crap,” Nikki smirked as she stopped her pacing to stand a foot away from Liz. “You mean I’ve been worshipping at the altar of power for nothing? That’s a shame. So tell me, dearie, what should I have been looking for. Love?” The last word came out with a snort.
“Peace,” Liz replied simply. “That’s something worth trying for.”
Nikki laughed, no, cackled. “And this coming from a human.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Liz asked, noting to herself that Nikki’s continuous laughter at her expense was growing more annoying than either the pain in her abused head or her bound hands.
“Did you know that there are only twenty-nine years in all your species’ history where there has been no war? And yet you speak of peace.” She said that word as if it were a curse. She even shuddered. “I’ve known peace. The Antarians were such a boring, peaceful people. When Kivar took over, it had been over a hundred years since that planet had seen anything resembling a war. Probably why it was such an easy invasion. The Antarian people, they don’t do well with war, can’t handle it emotionally.”
Nikki took a small step closer, invading whatever sense of personal space Liz might have once had.
“Now my people,” she purred in delight, “oh my people are warriors. We know war, we make war, we love war. That’s why I accepted this stupid job in the first place, coming to earth. I thought it would be a more interesting place than it is, given its violent history. I was so disappointed. You people may make war but you feel bad about it. You keep trying to do good. It’s so boring.”
“I’m sorry we’ve been such a tiresome burden,” Liz muttered rather insincerely.
“Oh, don’t worry. I’ve found ways to amuse myself,” Nikki grinned as she reached out, gently brushing Liz’s temple. The involuntary flinch Liz made only caused Nikki’s smile to grow.
“And speaking of amusement, it seems your white knight is taking his time getting up here. Perhaps I placed too many guards for him to get here in a timely fashion.” Nikki paused for a moment for genuine reflection. But only for a moment. Shrugging, she continued. “Well, we’ll just have to make the best of it.”
“You want to paint each other’s nails?” Liz offered, trying to sound smart but the words fell flat.
As Nikki threaded her hands through Liz’s hair, those nails digging into her scalp, Liz wondered if she would have any of her sense left when, if, someone came to rescue her.
“I don’t think we have the time for that today. But luckily,” she taunted, “we’ve just enough time to take another spin.”
Before Liz could brace herself for the pain, she felt herself being sucked back into the connection. The dimly lit room around her was filled with swirling colors as the memories that helped form her very identity became once again vulnerable to Nicholas.
And then the swirling colors stopped, the pain never came. Nikki hadn’t made a full connection yet, so she couldn’t have seen anything new to amuse her. Liz wondered why she had stopped so suddenly.
She didn’t have to wonder long.
“I almost forgot to warn you. This little trick of mine, it can bring about some nasty side effects. You’ve probably noticed the pain. But there are worse things than that.”
Of that Liz had no doubt.
“The mind can become fractured, the person lost within. I want you to be here to see Max fall, but I can’t guarantee you’ll make it through this next round.”
“Thank you for your concern,” Liz mumbled.
“Oh, I don’t mean you’ll die,” Nikki quickly assured her, at least it almost sounded like an attempt at assurance. “You just may not have your wits about you. Ever again.”
That would make graduating in the spring a little more difficult.
“You only die if the person riffling through your mind doesn’t care enough to use mild restraint. I hear it’s a horrible way to go.” Nikki leaned her head over and whispered into Liz’s ear. “I guess we could just ask your friend Alex.”
At the mention of Alex’s name, his death, Liz felt rage bubbling up within. This rage was still building when Nikki started to connect with her again. The colors swirled, the pain started, but her rage was a more powerful sensation.
As her memories began to tear away, becoming victim to Nicholas’ plunder, they flashed in her mind’s eye. One of them was from the summer of her sixth grade year. She, Maria, and Alex were gathered in her bedroom watching an old sitcom on Nick at Night. It wasn’t a significant memory, and it came and went rather quickly, but it was enough to set the fire of her anger to a blaze.
Alex, Maria, herself. They had all lost so much thanks to people like Nicholas and Tess. Those who truly thought power was the most important thing in the universe. Those who treated people as though they mattered little, or not at all. She wished that they could feel what it was like, that they could feel the pain of having your dreams, your heart, your life ripped away. Wished they could –
In the middle of her mental rant Liz noticed something odd. The pain was gone. And instead of her own memories flashing in her mind, she was being bombarded by something else. Something wholly unfamiliar. Red sand, two moons. A creature Liz somehow knew as Nicholas training for battle with other Skins. The utter disgust of being stuck in the powerless form of a little boy. A message from Kivar telling him his services were no longer needed.
Image after image rushed upon her, overwhelming her. Liz had to stop this connection, her mind couldn’t handle it after its previous abuse. She tried to break it, tried to stop the influx of memories. She mentally pushed Nikki away, drawing on the anger she still felt coursing through her body, allowing her emotion to give her power. It tore through her, into Nikki, engulfing them both.
The connection broke in the middle of a memory, making Liz rather grateful. She hadn’t fully understood what had been going on in that particular memory of Nikki’s, but it had involved a lot of blood and screaming. She took a deep breath, allowing herself a moment before she opened her eyes to a confused and certainly angry alien. She slowly opened her eyes and was greeted with one of the most astonishing sights of her life.
She was alone in the room. And it was snowing.
Liz gasped in sudden, shocked awareness. Though she hadn’t intended to, somehow she had done what Max, Michael and Isabel had failed to do for years. She had killed Nicholas.
For such an evil, gaudy presence, he had gone quietly. The only evidence that something major had just occurred were the busted light fixtures and the floating bits of Nikki. No loud shouts or shrieks accompanied his end, which was probably a good thing as those might have caught the attention of the Skins on the other side of the door. Sinking down to the ground, all energy completely drained, Liz was thankful she wouldn’t have to prepare for another fight so soon after her ordeal with Nicholas. Maybe she would have enough time to regroup before faced with more threats.
The white remains of her tormentor filled the space of her captivity. As her mind and body shut even further down, she found herself bewitched by the substance. In a daze she watched a piece flutter through a shaft of moonlight then back into the shadows. It was eerily pretty. She really ought to be making plans to flee, to get out of her bindings and past the Skins guarding her door. She ought to, but she couldn’t. All she could do was sit and watch pieces of white float by.
A muffled roar of pure rage interrupted her exhausted daze. Her attention was quickly drawn from the aftermath of her own battle to one clearly going on beyond the wall in front of her.
Liz knew what that sound meant. Someone had come for her and was currently exchanging shots with the Skins guarding the entrance to this room.
A loud thud, the sound of someone hitting concrete hard, came from a few yards and a wall away. Faint gurgling sounds paired with smaller thumping against the wall suggested someone being strangled. She tried to prepare herself, get her hands free of their binding and blast ready, but couldn’t find the strength. She just had to hope she wouldn’t need any energy or blasting hands when the winner stepped through the door.
Shuffling and some more thuds indicated that whoever was being choked wasn’t going down easily. She just hoped that the battle would be over before anyone entered the room. She didn’t want to have faced down an evil alien general only to be caught in the crossfire.
A shriek filled her ears and Liz knew the fight was over. The question was: who won? Not only that, but who had come for her? Had Maria found Michael? Did Alex find a way to work some divine intervention?
The door flung wide open and standing in the frame, breathing heavily, hands set before him, looking ready to take on whatever and whoever might stand in his way, was her answer.
Max.
-----------------------------------
A/N: In case anyone is curious, the little statistic Nikki quotes about 29 years (you'll know when you see) comes from Chris Hedges' War Is A Force That Gives Us Meaning. Great book, though emotionally challenging.
Last edited by Doublestuf on Wed Sep 21, 2005 7:30 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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