Break Me (M/L Adult) COMPLETE Sept. 9

[maya]

A/N Thank you for all the feedback. Sorry I don't have time to post individual replies today, but know that you are all appreciated. I know the delay has been long but I have been going through some rough stuff and appreciate your patience.

Behind Bars and Stow Away have also been updated, so please check them out as well.

Maya


Part 11 – Operation Romeo Juliet

“Is this moving to fast?” Max asks, as he bends down for another kiss.

“Too much talk,” I whine as I pull him down on top of me and grip his hair in my hands, forcing him to deepen the kiss.

It’s 2 am and I am supposed to be having a sleepover at Maria’s. Being the faithful friend, she is covering me, for the third time this week and it’s only Thursday. Operation Romeo/Juliet is well under way. And before you get too worked up, it’s the sneaking around, forbidden love part we’re copying, not the joint suicide. Although Max likes to joke I have the attempted suicide part down pat. I don’t think he really understands the whole cutting thing, that it isn’t about suicide at all, but this is all new territory for him right now and he is trying really hard. Most of all, he is here for me. There aren’t too many people I can say that about, definitely, not my dad.

Anyways, I digress, sorry, it’s just that with Max Evans’s hand easing its way up my shirt, its getting really hard to concentrate. I’m in his room, I snuck through the window, and after another hour or two of making out, he will walk me back to Maria’s. It is best for me to stay the night there in case her mom checks on us.

“Is this ok?” Max asks as he undoes the clasp of my bra.

“Yes, stop asking,” I can’t help but laugh at how polite he is.

“It’s just that I want…” I seal my lips to his again and cut him off before he can finish his sentence. “Did I mention that I like a guy who knows what he wants?” I tease him.

He takes one of my breasts in the palm of his hand and before I know it, my shirt is off and he’s pinches my nipple roughly before taking it in his mouth.

***************

When I get in bed with Maria, I see that she is still awake.

“Come on give me some juicy details, so I can live vicariously through you.”

“What, last I heard you and Michael are still together.” God, I hope they haven’t broken up again. As much as I am starting to like Maria, I don’t think I could survive listening to her complain about Michael again.

She rolls her eyes. “We are but we are moving on Michael time, which basically means at a snails pace. He wants to do things right, dinners, dancing, walks in the park,” she groans.

“And what is wrong with that?” It sounds exactly like what Max would do, but since we aren’t supposed to be seeing each other we can’t exactly go out in public.

She sighs. “Nothing I guess. Just give me some details, please.”

“Maria, we are just making out and believe me, I feel the same as you, and sometimes I’d like Max to move a little faster. On the other hand, it’s kind of nice to not have sex right away. I mean, that is what I usually do but I was never looking for a relationship. With Max…”

“Max is definitely relationship material.”

“So is Michael,” she adds.

“See, we’re both lucky. Now, let’s sleep, we do have school tomorrow and if I don’t make it, dad won’t let me stay here again and you know what that means.”

“No Max.” she says teasingly as if it’s the end of the world. But it is.

“Exactly.” That is something I just don’t want to contemplate.

“Don’t you think it’s sort of weird?” she asks.

“What?”

“Your dad. He’s so adamant about you not seeing Max but then he lets you stay over here. I mean he must know you would sneak out and see him…how stupid can he be?”

I’ve asked myself the same question a million times and I think she’s right, he does know, he just doesn’t care. He blames Sean and now Max for all my problems and he knows he has to make it look like he’s making an effort, but what I do out of sight he’s turned a blind eye too. I know I should be happy, it means I can see Max, but at the same time, it makes me feel alone and scared.


*****************

“So, your dad forbid you to see Max, how is that going?” Dr. Yarrow asks me.

“It’s not,” I laugh. Then I explain how I’ve been sneaking out. The best part is that since this is confidential she can’t tell my dad.

“Oh.”

“Things just couldn’t be better Dr. Yarrow, I have friends, I have Max. For the first time in a long while I feel settled, like I can put down roots.”

“Do you really think it’s a good idea to get so attached to this boy right now?” she asks.

“Of course I do.”

“It seems an awful lot like Sean all over again.”

Sean. Why does she have to say his name?

I jump off of the couch in anger. “This is not Sean all over again. Max is not Sean!”

Sean used me. I was his tramp, his hoar.

Sean left me when I needed him.

Sean said he loved me. He doesn’t anymore and I don’t know if he ever did. He lied.

“Calm down, Liz, it’s just that we talked a few days ago about BPD and the dependency issues. I worry that you are becoming too dependent on Max.”

I’m so angry with her I want to scream, I want to break her nicely framed diplomas that hang on her far to perfect wall. “First you don’t think I’m socializing enough. Now I do and you’re telling me it’s too much. Well, fuck you!”

I start for the door. “Liz, come back and sit down and we will talk about this. I am not saying you have to give up Max, I just think we need to set some boundaries here.”

Boundaries? She wants to set boundaries? “I don’t want Boundaries, I want Max,” I scream as I leave her office, slamming the door behind me. I then open it again, slamming it once more for affect. “Why can’t anyone understand what I need?”

************

It’s Sunday morning and I’m sitting on my bed with mom’s picture in my lap. Today would have been her birthday, so it’s a really sad, sad day for me. Dad knocks on the door.

“How are you doing sweetie?” I guess he also knows what today is. It’s probably a celebration for him.

“Don’t pretend you care,” I spit back.

“You know I do.” He sits down beside me. “At one point in time, I loved your mother very much and I love you a million times more”

“That’s a laugh.”

“Let me tell you something about when I first left your mom.”

“Us,” I clarify.

“What?” he asks.

“You left us,” I explain. “Not just mom.”

He shakes his head. “We were living in Minnesota at the time and things were not working. I went away for a few months to work and when I came back, I rented an apartment about 5 blocks from you and found a job in the city so I would be close to you.”

“What?” I ask. I don’t remember that.

“Your mother wouldn’t let me see you. A few weeks later I found out she was moving to Arizona.” I remember that move, Arizona was one of my favorites.

“I foolishly followed you both out there only to find her move again. She didn’t want to be anywhere near me.”

“No, you’re just making this up! Mom would never have kept us apart. You liar!” I scream, contempt flowing through me.

I grab my coat and run outside. Dad follows me. “You can’t use this as an excuse to go to him.”

All I want is Max right now. “He would never lie to me.”

“You go there and I’m sending you somewhere you can get help.” I know he means it and I hate him for it.

“Fine. Take me to Michael’s then,” I say walking over to the car. I just need to be away from him and I can always get to Max’s from there.

I hate him, I hate him, I hate him, I think to myself as we drive to Michael’s in silence.

I hate him for never being there, for never trying to be there, for not once talking a minute to see me, to really see me and what I need.

I get out of the car and ring Michael’s doorbell. When he answers, I see my dad drive away and I wonder about what he said before, did he really come after me?

[maya]

Thank you for your patience. I seem to be saying that a lot lately. The good news is that I have written ahead on most of my stories so while I can't tell you exactly when I will update, I can tell you the wait won't be as long as it has been. I hope you continue to enjoy the story! Maya

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Part 12 - Nothing like a drink with Janet to end the day


“I think Maria wants more,” I say to Michael. It’s Sunday mid morning and we are hanging out in his room. Maria is working and Max has gone fishing with his dad.

“More? You mean….?” He asks.

“I mean sex like activity.” What else could more mean at our age?

“She really said that?” he asks, sinking back onto his bed. “OK, should you even be telling me this?” I guess it is a betrayal of confidence, I hadn’t really thought of it like that. “Maria world kill you, you know,” he adds.

“Sorry Michael. But I thought I was supposed to be her friend,” I explain taking a seat beside him.

“How exactly does telling me this equate to friendship?” he asks quizzically.

“Friends want each other to be happy. Maria wants to get laid. And me telling you that ensures she does,” I smile at the logic. “Besides, you won’t tell Maria,” I hesitate and then look at him, “will you?”

“And how exactly would I phrase that? I hear you want to get laid. Should I just drop my pants here?”

We both burst out laughing. Then he confides in me that he just isn’t ready. “I knew you of all people wouldn’t understand,” he says when I tease him for his virginity.

“Why, because I’m a slut?” I ask, annoyed.

“You know that’s not what I mean. Don’t get your panties in a twist.”

“Isn’t it?” I ask. I know what people say about me. God forbid a girl should like sex.

Once again Sean comes to mind, and all the times he called me his little hoar. Suddenly I feel dirty and I feel small. I want to hide it by saying something smart or sassy but I can’t come up with anything that wouldn’t reek of BS. Instead, I sit down on the floor in the corner of his room and look at the ground.

“Liz,” he can see he’s hit a nerve and I hate that I let him see that. “You know I didn’t…” he’s trying to apologize and I feel myself start to shake.

There are tears on my face. God damn it. Why won’t they go away? This is how things are lately. One minute I’m yelling like I’m the hottest shit around town, the next I’m a tear stricken little child. “Michael, just don’t ok. If you care about me at all, just talk about something else.”

“If you and Maria are any representation of the general female population, men are screwed,” he says with a smile, sitting on the floor across from me. “Ok, lets talk about what happened earlier.”

“Earlier?” I ask, feigning innocence.

“Yes, when you came here to escape something that happened with your dad.”

“Oh, that earlier.”

“Cute, Liz…but you don’t pull clueless off at all.”

Damn. Sometimes I forget that when I’m with Michael, I can’t hide much. So before I know it, I’ve filled him in on all of it.

“But why would he lie?”

“I don’t know,” I yell in frustration. I keep asking myself that.

“Do you remember seeing him?”

I shake my head. “Mom told me he was gone and then I didn’t see him for two years. No phone call, not even a birthday card.”

But maybe he is telling the truth. After that I spent summers with him, Thanksgiving and Christmas. I was a ten year old, boarding a plane, traveling back and forth by myself. Mom moved all the time: Minnesota, Arizona, Florida, Texas, Montreal, Chicago, then back to Florida. That’s where we were living when she died. We’d been there 3 whole years, the longest I can ever remember being in one place.

“Why’d you move so much?” Michael asks.

“John, Andy, Tom, Jeff, Orsen.”

“What?”

“My mom’s boyfriends. When things got too much she bailed.” And I know what he’s thinking, that it sounds exactly like what my dad said. Thank god he doesn’t say it out loud.

I know what you’re all thinking. I know how this sounds. But she was a good mom, a really good mom. Picture, roasting marshmallows over a campfire in our backyard, trips to the pool almost every afternoon, salsa dancing, art classes, pigging out on pizza. We were a regular Loreli and Rory Gilmore with even more fun.

“So you spent a lot of time with your dad. It seemed he tried.”

“He he,” What a laugh. The first few summers were ok, until Nancy came along. Then all I remember was the two of them cozyed up on the couch, on weekends away while I had a babysitter. I remember all the doctor’s visits and Nancy crying herself to sleep when she couldn’t conceive, all the while I was ignored. “Michael, I was an obligation then and I am now. You know what Nancy said to me when mom died and they had to take me in?”

“What?”

“That she wasn’t prepared for this. That Jeff being a full time dad wasn’t part of her life plan.”

Michael doesn’t know what to say.

“Do you think I want to be here? I had no choice and it’s like she forgets that everyday. My mom died.” I yell it louder. I need someone to acknowledge it, or else it’s like she wasn’t ever really here. “My mom died. Today was her birthday Michael.” I can’t stop the tears know. They rack through my body like enormous waves crashing at the shore.

Michael wraps his arms around me tightly. “I know sweetie.” He looks straight into my eyes. “Your mom died.” He’s the only one who’s actually had the nerve to say it. Everyone else prefers to tippy toe around it.

*******

I must have fallen asleep. When I wake up, I’m lying on Michael’s bed, a sheet draped over me. Michael’s sitting in the corner reading a comic book. I can hear voices yelling downstairs.

“Oh, I saw the way you look at her.” It’s Janet’s voice.

“She’s just a kid, Janet, Grow up,” Hank replies.

“A slut. That’s what she is. Wearing those trashy outfits. ”

“Nothing’s happened.”

“That’s what you said about Carol, isn’t it.”

“And I stand by it.”

“Fuck you!”

At first I snicker, it is like listening to a soap opera, then I see Michael’s face. “How long?” I ask.

“She gets antagonistic when she is drunk. And insecure.”

“Oh.” I didn’t realize. “Is she an…”

“Alcoholic? Ya,” he says looking at the floor.

“Who are they fighting about?” I ask. The way he looks at me gives me my answer. Me.

“But I’ve never even come on to Hank,” I protest. Gross. Double yuck, yuck.

“Oh, come on Liz, you’ve flirted, in fact every time you come over here you flirt.”

“I’m just having fun,” I protest.

“You having fun gives him his jollies and sends her to the bottle.”

Wow, my day just keeps getting better and better. So now I’m responsible for some guy my dad’s age masturbation fantasies and a woman’s battle with alcoholism. “Maybe I should start advertising. Pay me one hundred bucks and I’ll let you introduce me to someone you hate, I guarantee there life will be in shambles my night fall or your money back.” I pick up my purse and head for the window.

“Liz, don’t go.”

“Michael, I know I’m a bitch most of the time but you’re the one person that….look, I’m not gonna stick around and make things worse.”

“If it wasn’t you, it would be someone else. She’s always looking for reasons to feel sorry for herself.”

I guess I don’t look convinced or I look to serious, because before I know it, he’s hitting me with a pillow, I grab the pillow on his bed and hit back, we end up in an all out pillow war as we fall back onto the bed and in that exact moment, you guessed it, Max walks in. That is what you expected, isn’t it?

“Michael, I……” he stops mid sentence as soon as he spots us. We both let go of the pillows and bolt to an upright position, guiltily.

********

Max is mad. Jealous in fact. Not because he thinks anything has happened between us, just because I have confided in Michael yet again.

“You know I had to come over here first and hang out,” I protest. We still have to be careful because of my dad.

“For 5 hours Liz? I’ve been just waiting in my room for you all that time.”

“Sorry. Geez.”

“It’s so nice to feel used,” Michael says.

“Oh grow up Michael.” Max and I yell in unison and then snicker at the synchronicity. Unfortunately its not enough to break Max’s foul mood.

“And you’re telling him things you haven’t even told me.”

“I’m not ready to tell you,” I explain.

“But you can tell Michael.” He looks like I just killed his puppy.

Of course I can. Michael, he’s just Michael, he’s not…..someone I need to breathe, but I can’t say that to Max, not yet, so I guess I can’t say much of anything.

“Why Liz? We’re supposed to be in a relationship here.”

A relationship. A relationship. See, this is exactly why I don’t do relationships. I grab my purse and open the bedroom door. “What you’re leaving?” he asks, voice pained.

“I’ve had too much teen angst for one day,” I say as I walk into the hall.

“But Liz…”he starts to come after me but Michael pulls him back and says, “she’s had a hard day.” Thank you Michael.

“Ya, you’d know wouldn’t you.”

“Come on Max. She’s letting you in bit by bit, she’s being honest.”

“Fuck you,” I hear Max reply and the two begin to bicker. Thankfully their voices fade into oblivion as I reach the bottom of the stairs and head for the main door.

Just as I’m about to make my quick exit, Janet stops me. She’s clad in a pink bathrobe and has a half empty bottle of vodka in her hand. “Got your fill, did ya tramp?” she asks.

“Just let me go,” I say. God she looks like hell.

“Come here, I’ll pour you a glass.”

I look around. Hank seems to have taken off and I doubt Max and Michael will come downstairs. “Why not,” I say as I take the glass from her. It’s been a while since I've had vodka. I used to drink it all the time till there was this incident at school and then dad found my stash. He does these periodic checks, Nancy does too.

A take a sip and love the feel of it in my throat. I’ve always thought of vodka as a type of candy. I love the sweet taste.

“So,” Janet says, as she teeters in her chair. ‘How long you been getting poked by Hank.”

I laugh. “I so wouldn’t do Hank,” I laugh. Have any of you seen the beer belly on that guy? Not too mention the receding hairline….

“What’s wrong wit Haaank?” she slurs.

First she’s mad I’m sleeping with him, then mad I’m not. God you can’t win with people can you?

“Ummm,,,,he’s too old for me.” I went with the comment that should insult her the least.

She gives me a sly smile. “I know I overreact, just a tiny bit. I do-o”

You think, lady? God. I’m just gonna pour myself one more glass for the road.

“It’s just that Hankee doesn’t seem to love me aaahny…more.”

“Why do you say that?” I ask. I really am curious.

“He never talks to me, “she whines. “All we do is fight.”

“So why bother than?”

She puts her finger to her lips and says “Shhhh” as if someone else could hear me.

I look at her questioningly and then she points towards the ceiling. Ohh, she must mean Michael’s room. They stayed together for the kids, or in this case kid. And I find myself thinking about my own parents.

Did they fight a lot like Janet and Hank? Did my dad leave or did my mom kick him out and most of all why? It must have been something really bad if they couldn’t stay together for me. Unless, and this unless is something that makes my stomach turn, unlike drunk Janet and playboy hank, they just didn’t love me enough.

I think I’ll have another drink for the road.

[maya]

Thank you for the feedback. The next part will also be posted soon.

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Part 13- Eavesdropping is an art form

I’m not ready to go home yet and face my dad. Thankfully, the alcohol has somewhat numbed my mind to it, but its just not enough. I find myself wondering what’s going on in Michael’s room. The two of them have been up there for a long time and since I haven’t heard much I can only assume that they have made up. Aww, how sweet.

Janet is now pretty out it. Her head is on the counter and while I’m not sure she is asleep, I’m also betting she won’t be fully conscious for a while and if she is, she won’t miss me.

I slowly make my way up the stairs. The door is a jar and I peep through the small open space. Max and Michael are seated, yes they’ve definitely made up and they are talking about, yes you guessed it, Me!

“You are really good for her Max.”

“You think so?” From the tone in Max’s voice he sure doesn’t seem to think so.

Michael gives him a pat on the back. “Just give it time. Don’t push her.”

“Speaking of pushing her. I was just wondering…you and Maria?”

“What about me and Maria?”

“Have you, you know, yet?”

Michael bursts out laughing.

“What?” Max asks, sounding very dumbfounded.

“Well, first of all, you’re referring to sex as ‘you know’, I mean you can say sex can’t you? It’s not like we’re in 5th grade,” he laughs.

“I was trying to show some tact, Michael.” He sounds annoyed.

“Secondly, are you in Liz in co hoots? Cause she was trying to convince me to poke Maria earlier.”

“She was?” he asks, his voice perking up.

“Yes. And I really wish you two would just stay out of my love life.”

“So, she was in favor of you two sleeping together even though you haven’t been together that long?” he asks, sounding hopeful.

Why would Max care if Michael and Maria sleep together I wonder, but Michael’s next question puts all of the pieces together.

“Max, is this about me and Maria or you and Liz?” he asks.

“Ok, you caught me. It’s just that, things are escalating between us and well I’m kinda stuck,” he explains.

“Stuck, how?” Thank you Michael, exactly what I want to know.

“Well, I don’t want to just assume that we’re going to have sex because she’s….”

“Slept with half the men on the planet?” Michael finishes. Oh, Michael Guerin, I’m gonna slap you for that later. I knew he thought I was a hoar.

“Michael,” Max warns.

“Ok, ok, so maybe just a third,” he jokes.

“Can we be serious here?” Max asks, clearly distraught.

“Ok.”

“On the other hand,” Max finishes. “I don’t want her to be upset that I haven’t tried to sleep with her. I mean she knows that Tess and I slept together, doesn’t she?” he asks.

“Ya, I told her.”

“So, I don’t want her to think that she’s not good enough to sleep with but I don’t want to push her given all this stuff she has been going through.”

“Maxwell, I have no advice to offer other than talk to her.”

“I’m just not sure I should bring it up right now. I mean….”

“Max, you are far too sensitive sometimes. One thing I can tell you about Liz is that she speaks her mind…..you should do the same.”

Good advice Michael I laugh to myself and then begin to think about how I can have some fun with this. When I know Max is about to bring it up, I can say things to throw him off. I’m so excited thinking about it that I accidentally put too much weight against the door and before I know it, I’ve fallen straight into Michael’s room. Eavesdropping, it truly is an art, and I suck at it.

Max is mad. This is beginning to become a theme isn’t it?

“Oh come on,” I argue. “No harm done. In fact my eavesdropping has actually helped you.”

“How’s that?” he asks, rolling his eyes.

“I saved you having to tell me,” I laugh.

“Oh, that’s rich coming from you.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“You have all these secrets you won’t share with anyone but Michael.”

“I told you I wasn’t ready too…”

“Well neither was I, did you ever think of that?” No, I didn’t. I was actually thinking about myself

“And I would never have eavesdropped on one of your conversations with Michael,” he adds.

“Max, look I’m…” I try to apologize but he will have none of it.

“You’re not the only one with issues, Liz.”

This time it isn’t me that bails, its Max, and I’m left looking at a very uncomfortable Michael who playing monkey in the middle once again.

He gives me a scolding look. “Have you been drinking?” he asks.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-


“So, you’re not spending any time by yourself?” Dr. Yarrow asks.

I shake my head. I just can’t take it, when I’m by myself, I feel so empty and I just want to cut and I just need to be with Maria or Michael, or Max, although we haven’t spoken since he walked out yesterday and the whole thing has me kind of nervous.

********

“Why did you have to listen to Max’s conversation? Didn’t you know it was an invasion of his privacy?” she asks.

“I needed to know what he was thinking, what he felt. I don’t want him to leave me,” I try to explain.

“And yet you do lots of things that could push him to leave you?”

***********

“No, no!” God, she has it all wrong. “I hate you!” I spit at her. “And I don’t want to come here anymore.

She laughs. “Tuesday you liked me but today, I’m challenging you, and you don’t like it.”

“No, I hate you because you’re a Bitch.” I scream. I so hope my words hurt her.

“Liz, you’re splitting again. I’m either good or bad. Let’s work through this, try to find something in between. Why does what I have said scare you so much?” she asks.

“Because it can’t be true,” I sob. I can’t take much more of this.

“Why cant it?”

“Because I told you. Please, I don’t want to be alone.”


**********

“You haven’t talked about your father this week. I really think we need to work through some of that first. “

“I don’t have anything to say.” I cross my arms. I’m not going to tell her what he said about my mom. She’d just turn her into some sort of a Villain, just like she does with everyone I care about. God, I hate her.


-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

I hang out with Maria most of the night, mostly pigging out and watching movies, mainly killing time. I arrive home right at curfew. As I walk by Dad and Nancy’s room, I can hear the muffled groans from inside. Yuck, I hate the sound of them having sex, I want to put my hands over my ears and yell I can’t hear you, I can’t hear you to shut it out. Instead, I head straight for my room, grab my journal and head out onto the balcony. If I close the window behind me, I can’t hear them. Believe me, I’ve been through this before, they mate like bunnies.

I begin to write about my mother. Everything I can remember, all the things we did together, all the things she told me. And she never told me that dad had tried to contact me those first two years. She never told me so I know that means he lied. It’s the only explanation because my mother would never lie to me. She had rotten luck with men, they treated her like garbage. That’s probably what dad did but she tried to work things out for me. He was the one that left, the one that didn’t love me enough and now he’s trying to poison me against her. I hate him, so much.

“Liz, Liz,” I can hear Max calling to me from below. “Can I come up?” he asks.

“Sure.”

“My father will kill you, if he catches you,” I say once he gets to the top of the ladder.

He shrugs. “I’ll take the risk.”

“Does, that mean, you’re not still mad at me?” I ask.

“Can I?” he motions towards my lawn chair. I nod and he sits beside me.

“I haven’t heard from you in 24 hours. I called three times,” I add.

“I know, I’ve been at the library all day.” He looks at me and then adds, “Doing research on BPD.”

I’m shocked. I don’t know what to say. “Oh.” Where is he going with this? Is he here to tell me he’s running for the hills? God, what can I do to keep him here? “:Max, please don’t go. I’m trying to get better, I’m really trying.” Tears run down my face. God, I just can’t be alone.

He takes my hand. “I’m not leaving you, silly. That’s the last thing I want. I just needed to understand.”

“Was it helpful?” I ask.

He nods. “And confusing and I’ve only added to your confusion with my own insecurities. I’m sorry about that. It’s just that Tess…”

“Was only using you. Michael told me.”

“It was more than that. I found out she was also sleeping around with Kyle and another guy on the team.”

“Ouch.”

“Ya,” he looks down sadly. “So when you keep going to Michael…” he trails off.

“Michael and I are purely platonic.”

“I know that Liz. I do, but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t bother me.”

“So where does this leave us?” I ask.

“This is something that I will have to deal with. It’s my flaw,” he says firmly.

“So, I’m not the only one that’s wounded?” I ask with a laugh.

He shakes his head. “But, I will deal with this on my own. I want you to get better and if that means that if you have to go to Michael every day then so be it, just don’t shut me out, please?”

“Ok.”

“And about that whole sex thing you overheard?” he asks.

“I’m not quite ready Max. I know I’ve been with a lot of guys and I know it doesn’t make sense but I just with you, I know I’m failing miserably, but I am trying to build something real.”

“You don’t have to explain,” he says putting a finger to my lips.

“That doesn’t mean that we can’t do other things,” I say nipping at his finger.

He looks at me hungrily. “How much longer can I stay?” he asks.

“As long as you want.”

[maya]

Thanks for the feedback, Your comments made me so happy as they show I am really potraying Liz's BPD correctly. This next part is a little lighter than usual, just wanted to give the characters a little break, so enjoy the calm before the storm.

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Part 14 - Two orders of revenge with a side of good times

Dr. Yarrow gives me an assignment at the beginning of the week, well more of an exercise really. See, I’m supposed to focus on and identify my feelings. No self judgment is allowed because that could lead me somewhere really catastrophic, so for now I’m just supposed to recognize how I’m feeling and leave it at that. In other words, I’m happy or I’m sad.

I know, it seems simple enough and most of you could do it just like that but for me it’s a challenge. See, I don’t know how I feel most of the time, sometimes all these feelings have mixed up together inside of me until I can’t breathe, other times I’m just completely numb. And to confuse things even more, I often act differently than how I’m feeling, pushing people away when all I want is attention, you know, basic two year old stuff. Dr. Blin also says I change my feeling on the flip of a dime. I hate someone one day, I love them the next, something about lack of continuity, whatever the hell that means. So, she wants me to write down how I feel about everyone in my life each day and why.

*************

It’s Wednesday, the school week has just flown by so far; Max, Michael, Maria and I hang out at lunch and on our free periods. Maria and I shop after school when we don’t have to work at the crash and of course the rest of my week is filled with counseling sessions.

The only thorn in my side right now is Tess. She’s still on my case, whispering about me every time I walk by then laughing, making up one hideous story after another. Maria’s theory is that she’s jealous, that she never got over Max dumping her. To be honest, I don’t care what her reason is; I just want her to lay off. Max says I should just let her be. Karma’s a bitch after all, but I’ve never been one to wait for Karma.

Here she is now, walking towards me, “Oh look girls, it’s our favorite slut,” she gushes. “I know I promised you I wouldn’t say anything, but the girls needed to know, I mean you’ve given half the guys in school the clap and they need to be able to protect themselves, you know.”

Oh she thinks she is hot shit, doesn’t she? “That’s funny Tess, since it was Kyle who gave it to me and he said he got it from you.” I quickly push my leg out, she’s so startled by my comment that she trips over it and goes flying, landing face down on the floor. I can only hope it flattens her nose. “Anyone else for a nose dive?” I ask and the other girls all scatter quickly away. Was it something I said?

“You go girl,” Maria high fives me and we head towards English class.

I felt angry. Now I feel triumphant. The revenge aside, I think Dr. Yarrow would be proud.

**********


It’s Thursday now and Mr. Hardy is being a dick. All the other teachers have been understanding about the missed classes due to my hospital stay and have given me some time to play catch up. He hasn’t. In fact he just flunked me on an assignment that was due when I was off. I mean I’d missed the whole 2 weeks of lecture on the topic, I kinda have to learn that before I can even start the assignment. See, I said he was a dick.

Truth be told he was always nice to me until he found out I was dating Max. And he is always staring at my tits. Jealous maybe? If he can’t get a piece of me, he’ll flunk me. Well I’m gonna teach him a lesson, I just need Maria’s help.

************

Knock, knock. “Mr. Hardy. Can I have a minute of your time?” I ask coyly as I stand at his office door.

“Sure, Liz,” come in he says and then looks surprised to see that Maria scurries out of her hiding place behind me and into his office too.

He looks at her questioningly. “For moral support,” I clarify.

“You’re busy. I’m busy. Lets get straight to the point.”

“Ok,” he says, wearily.

“I’m here about my grade. I don’t think it is fair. I wasn’t hear when it was due and we hadn’t discussed a new due date yet.”

“If you’re sick, it must be handed in the day you come back to school. That is the policy.” He over enunciates the policy.

“But,” I protest, “How would I even know about the assignment if I wasn’t here?”

“You mean you’re support sidekick here didn’t tell you?” he raises an eyebrow at Maria.

“She isn’t even in the class. This isn’t fair. Kyle handed his in late and he wasn’t even sick.”

He shrugs. “Kyle and I made a special arrangement.”

“And why can’t we, then?”

“You’re too late Parker. Should have come to me earlier. I will not change your grade and my decision is final.”

OK Dr. Blin, I feel angry as hell. “Well,” I smile slyly at Maria. “”We’ll see what the school board says about you sexually harassing me.”

“What?” he yells outraged and jumps up. “When?”

“Now.”

“Wait just a minute.” He looks like a scared puppy.

“I saw it Mr. Hardy and I have to say I’m appalled,” Maria says with a sweet smile.

“You little slut. No one will believe you,” he says calmly retaking his seat.

“Oh really? Because I know a lot of people who have seen you staring at my chest, the perspiration the breaks out on your forehead when I wear that little black dress. Why wouldn’t they believe it that you decided you just had to touch.”

“And I am a reliable witness, 4.0 grade point average, never been to the principals office,” Maria adds.

Yup, you guessed it. By the time we leave his office, I have my grade and it is an ‘A’.

Once again, I feel triumphant!


************


Maria and I work the closing shift and then hang out at her place with Max and Michael, spending some quality gang time. I’m eating Tostitos, drinking coke, listening to the counting crows while we watch a handful of reality shows.

Every once in a while, Max ‘s gaze meets my own and he gives me that look, you know that look you give someone you admire, I love getting that look. Maria and I gossip, the four of us have a pillow fight, then Max and I a tickle fight. You can’t get much more normal than this. So I guess, for the first time in forever, I feel normal. Did you hear that Dr. Yarrow; normal?

And, you should taste the beer we jacked out of the basement. Maria’s mom made it or something and it is pretty strong and really good. After a few bottles of it I feel floaty and happy. I will laugh at pretty much anything you say so if you have a corny joke to tell, now would be the perfect time to lay it on me.


*************

As Max walks me back to the Crash, he tells me Isabelle will be home for a visit this weekend and he wants me to come for dinner and meet her. I agree. After all, I am curious. Did you hear that Dr. Yarrow? Yup, another feeling.

“I told you she has problems,” he warns me, taking my hand.

“Umm, hello.” I point to myself. Is he wearing rose colored glasses? Cause that would explain a lot of his recently sweet behavior.

“But you’re not in a group home,” he clarifies.

“Sometimes I think I should be,” I mumble.

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“It was good to see you smile tonight.”

“It felt good to me too.” I feel happy.

He bends down and gives me a short but soft kiss.

“Liz?” he asks, just inches from my face.

“Yes?” I ask and then wait.

He decides against saying anything and just grins instead. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” He gives me another kiss and then he’s off and I’m left to wonder what exactly it was he was going to say.

[maya]

Warning: Read this part at your own risk.


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Part 15 - The Tragedy of Romeo and Juliet

There is a wrench in my plans for dinner at Max’s house, a big fat wrench that I have little control over. I was originally planning to tell my dad I was going over to Maria’s but you will never guess what happened. Well maybe you will.

My step mother, uggh, every time I even think that word I shudder, was at the supermarket buying some groceries when she bumped into Diane, who proceeded to tell her how she was looking so forward to meeting me at dinner on Friday night. Yup, the cat is out of the bag. They know I’ve been seeing Max behind their back.

So of course, Nancy told Diane that I was banned from seeing Max. Diane said that although she would love to have me over for dinner, she didn’t want to interfere and left it at that.

Nancy came home, went straight to my dad and the two have been arguing ever since as I listen at the door. They don’t even know that I know yet and I’m not going to wait around for my dad to confront me. I need to be with Max. Who knows how many more chances I will have.

*********

Max is sitting at his desk, pencil in hand as he stares at the book in front of him, a pensive look on his face. I watch him through his window with a smile.

When I knock at his window, he rushes over and pulls me in, kissing me breathless. “I wanted to call you….”

“I know,” I say. I hate the fact we can’t even talk on the phone, other than through Maria.

“I haven’t been able to concentrate on anything but you,” he grins.

“So, I noticed,” I laugh. I can feel the bulge in his pants against my thigh.

He takes a step back to break my contact with that part of his anatomy and clears his throat nervously. “So,” he shoves his hands in his pockets. “What’s up?” he asks

“Nothing.” I don’t want to talk right now. I just want to be with Max. I push him down on the bed and straddle him, then bend in for another kiss.

Within second things have heated up. I engulf myself in Max, trying to savor every taste, sensation. I won’t let my father take this away from me. He can’t. He just can’t.

Suddenly, the door opens and we jump apart, to find Diane standing on the other side.

“Max!” she yelps in surprise, dropping the pile of folded shirts in her hands.

“Mom,” he croaks.

Diane looks to me. “You must be Liz.’

This so was not the way I wanted to meet his mother for the first time.

“And you are not supposed to be here.”


****************


I can’t believe she is doing this to me. I mean she doesn’t even know me.

“But mom,” this isn’t fair, Max yells.

Diane looks pained. “I’m sure Liz is very nice. It has nothing to do with that.”

“You’re trying to keep us apart,” I spit out.

“No, honey. But if that’s what you’re parents want…”

“Nancy is not my parent!” I yell.

“Right. Your dad and his wife. What I mean is that I have to respect their rules just like I hope they would respect mine.”

Neither Max or I say a word.

“I’ll give you a few minutes to get yourself together,” she motions towards my disheveled appearance. “When I come back in 5 minutes, I expect you to be gone.”

Once she leaves I turn to look at Max. “I won’t let them do this to us.”

He wraps his arms around me and pulls me close, kissing the top of me head. “They won’t Liz. Nothing will ever keep us apart.”

If I go back home, Dad will chew me out about the dinner at Max’s and worse probably keep me under lock and key, no more so called trips to Maria’s, A.K.A. Max’s. I just can’t bear the thought. “Where should we go?” I ask him, tears in my eyes.

“Tommy is having a party tonight.”

It isn’t a bad suggestion at all. Loud and crazy, a perfect place to blend in and find and yet find some time alone. I take his hand. “Let’s go.”


****************

The party is in full swing and so am I. About half way over here I started to feel really really numb, like if you poked a fork against my skin I wouldn’t feel a thing. I hate that feeling of lack of feeling, if that even makes any sense?

So in an effort to feel something, I’ve let everything go. Max has never seen my like this before and I don’t think he likes it.

I’m up on the table top dancing for Tommy and Billy when Max grabs my hand and pulls me down. “Stop it,” I yell, letting go of his hand and then jump back up on the table.

“Go Liz, go Liz, go, go, go Liz,” a few of the guys sing out.

I start to groove once again. I’ve got a skirt on that most of the guys can see up from where they’re standing and Max is furious. This time he gets up on the table, throws me over his back and carries me down, kicking and screaming.

“Having trouble controlling your woman?” Tommy teases a very red faced Max.

I pound my fists on his back. “He doesn’t control me. Let me down.”

He continues to carry me for a few more feet until we get to the small bar in the corner, where all the booze has been laid out. “What is going on?” He asks once he puts me down, pain in his eyes. “I thought we came here to spend time together.”

“I’m just trying to have some fun,” I say as I pour myself a shot and down it.

He grabs my hand. “Liz,” he warns.

I pull it back. “Max,” I say just as fiercely. He is not my father. Not that even he could stop me.

“How do you feel? You are supposed to identify how you feel. Maybe it will help you to….”

“I don’t know.” Fuck. I need a night off from that analytical crap.

“Liz, this is important.”

I don’t feel anything. I just need something. My eyes desperately search the room and stop when they view Tommy’s hand and the small squares of white paper in his hand. I head in his direction.

“You’re just in time,” he says. “This is my last one and it is on the house.”

Just as I am about to take it, someone else grabs it first. I turn around to see its Max and before I can grab it back he’s placed it on his tongue.

“Max!” I am enraged. “Why?”

“You shouldn’t….I didn’t want you to. What if it interfered with your medication, Liz. You’re not thinking.”

I cross my arms over my chest. Who the hell does he think he is. “Liz, lets go home,” he says.

I turn my back to him and walk a few steps away. He’s crazy, he really is, always trying to save me. A smile takes hold of me at the thought. That’s when I hear it. Tess’s shrieking. “Max, oh Max.”

I turn to see him lying on the ground, unconscious as Tess leans over him with a sob.

“Oh shit, oh shit,” Tommy yells. “Someone call 911”

Everyone at the party starts to run out the door, scared, within seconds there is only me, Tonmmy, and Tess left. And Max lying on the floor.

How could this have happened? A minute ago he was talking to me, well arguing with me, because of me.

Tess looks to me, her fingers on the side of Max’s neck. “Liz, there is a pulse, weak and slow, but it’s there. He is so cold though. Can you grab a blanket? When I don’t answer she speaks again. “Liz, are you listening to me?”

I stare at the grey carpet and start to shake. I feel a hand on my shoulder. I look up, it’s my dad looking at me with scornful eyes and then I look back down, this time at a white hospital floor. Tess is sitting across from me. Philip and Diane are talking to a doctor. Michael and Maria are rushing towards me. I don’t even remember how I got here.

Max’s words from earlier this evening echo through my head: Nothing will ever keep us apart.

I look up at dad again. “Where’s Max?”

Nothing will ever keep us apart. Nothing, except for me. What tragic irony.

[maya]

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Part 16 - The truth hits the fan

Things are bad; really, really bad. I don’t know how much time has passed but my dad is on his third cup of coffee so that should give you some idea.

Michael has gone off to find his mother. She’s a nurse here and he is hoping that she can find out what’s going on with Max. So far the doctors have told us nothing. We don’t know where Max is; even his parents aren’t allowed to see him.

The waiting room is busy and chaotic, too much so. Tess is here pacing in her usual queen bee fashion, how I wish the little slut would just go home. Tommy is here with his parents who were very annoyed to find out he had a party while they were out at a charity benefit. He looks like a whipped dog.

Maria and Michael rushed to be by my side as soon as they heard the news. As happy as I am that they are here and as much as I’m sure it will mean to Max is he ever wakes up, they are no comfort to me. No one can be right now, I know what I have done.

My dad is here and so angry he hasn’t said two words to me. But he has plenty to say to Mr. and Mrs. Evans. “I knew he was bad news. Drugs!” he shouts.

“Well excuse me, but my son had never taken drugs until he met your daughter.” That is Philip Evans speaking.

“Are you saying my Lizzie forced Max to take drugs?” Dad scoffs back.

“Well,” Diane says. “If the shoe fits…”

“You better keep quiet or you will be hearing from my lawyer,” dad responds.

“Oh my god. I can’t take this” I say to Maria. She pulls me away from their bickering and gets me to sit down.

“Take deep breaths,” she coaches me and all I can wonder is whether Max is able to breathe at all.

“God, if anything happens, it’s all my fault.”

“Don’t talk like that.” She can say that because she doesn’t know what happened. All anyone has done is argue, they don’t really know….

It’s like time has stopped. I’m in a time warp and I can’t get out. The world is going on without me, I can see it there, outside of me and yet I can’t grasp at anything.

Michael and his mom come back with the doctor, he begins to talk to all of us, but I can’t hear a word he is saying. It’s as if he’s on TV but the volume is turned down. He moves in slow motion but I can’t hear a sound.

Diane breaks down and clutches Philip. Tess faints and is rescued by my father of all people. Leave it to him to be there for everyone except for me. I see Maria grab my arm and give it a squeeze but I don’t feel it. I just sit in my chair motionless and numb.

Michael takes the chair on the other side of me. “Liz,” he whispers calmly. “Liz. Did you hear what the doctor just said?”

I shake my head.

He and Maria share a knowing glance before he speaks again. “He said that Max is in a coma.”

A tear slides down my cheek. I couldn’t hear before because I didn’t want too…didn’t want to know.

“Is he going to wake up?” I ask.

“It is too early to know.”


*******************


The police are here. I guess its standard protocol when drugs are involved. Tommy and his parents are huddled in conference with the officer. Everyone else remains quiet, watching their exchange except for Tess whose evil glare is on me. I wonder if she will say anything.

Tommy goes away in handcuffs. Diane and Philip look relieved.

Dad walks over to me. “We are going home now.”

I close my arms across my chest. “I’m staying here, for Max.”

He shakes his head. “This whole thing just proves I was right about him.”

“No, no you weren’t. Max doesn’t even take drugs,” I argue.

“You were here when the doctor came out, right Lizzie? You can’t dispute what he says.”

I look to Michael. “You are Max’s best friend. Before tonight, had he ever taken drugs?” I ask him.

“No. No, never,” he replies.

“This has nothing to do with you Lizzie. You shouldn’t have even been with him tonight. Lets go.”

“It has everything to do with me,” I argue

Now Tess speaks up. “She’s right and she needs to atone for what she did.”

Everyone turns to look at me. “Did you force my son to take drugs?” Diane asks with horror.

“No,” I reply, grabbing on to Michael’s arm for support.

“Liz, “he whispers. “What happened?”

“I was the one who took the drugs from Tommy. I was about to take them.”

“Oh man,” Michael replies, knowing exactly where I am going with this.

Diane looks at me quizzically. “Liz, I don’t understand.”

“Just before I could take it, he grabbed it from me and took it himself.”

“Why would he do something so stupid?” Philip asks.

I look to my dad. “He was worried about me. He knew it might not mix with my medication and he wanted to save me.” I begin to sob uncontrollably. Now they all know that I am the scum of the earth.

“But why didn’t he just throw it away?” Philip asks.

“He probably knew Liz would find a way to get it from him,” Michael says.

I nod my head. When I want something, its pretty hard to keep me from it.

“Your son was a hero for this slut and now he’s in a hospital bed because of it,” Tess says, beaming triumphantly at the Evans but they don’t take notice of her.

“You were so wrong about him dad. He has done nothing but try to help me. I’m the poisonous one. I’m the one that should lying in there.”

“You got that right,” Tess glares at me.
“Tess,” Maria warns.

Understanding crosses my fathers face. “Oh, my god.”

Michael turns to me. “Max is capable of deciding what he does, Liz. It isn’t your fault.” After everything I’ve done, how can Maria and Michael still come to my defense.

“Yes it is, I shouldn’t have taken it but I was just….”

“Just what?” Diane looks at me compassionately which isn’t what I was expecting at all.

“I have problems…I don’t know how much Max has told you about it…”

“He didn’t say anything.”

I smile at that. “He probably didn’t want you to think less of me.”

“But Lizzy, you are so much better,” Dad argues.

I jump up in a rage. “No, I’m not better at all. You just pretend I am all the time but I’m not and I need help…”

“You have your doctor for that.”

“No, that isn’t enough.” I sob uncontrollably now.

I look to Diane, “And your son has been so good to me, he has been the only good thing in my life and you were going to keep him from me. I couldn’t bear it.”

“So you wanted to kill yourself?” Diane asks.

“No, I just wanted to feel something, other than the emptiness.”

“Lizzie, you have been doing so much better,” dad says again. Who is he trying to convince. Me or him?

“No dad. You want me to better so I won’t be a burden on you, because you don’t care….”

“I do care. I just…do you know what’s it like to watch someone you love in pain and not know how to help them. I can’t pay it away, I can’t give you a magic pill. I don’t know how to help you.”

I don’t know what to say to that. Does he really care about me? Has his lack of support really been about his own fears and helplessness?

“The only think I do know is that this all started before, with Sean and I just thought if I could keep you out of destructive relationships then I could keep you safe.”

“Mr. Parker, Max isn’t destructive. He has been good to Liz,” Michael says.

“This was never about Sean,” I add still in shock over dad’s admission.

It’s like my father has awaken from a deep sleep and is now seeing me for the first time, his eyes wet from tears. “I’ve been really wrong.”

“Oh my god,” Diane says. “This is a lot to process. I think we all better sit down and sort through this.”

“I’m not sure this is the time,” Philip argues. “We should be focusing on Max.”

“This is about Max. We have all made some very bad choices and I think we need to have everything out in the open.” She looks to my dad who nods. “Philip, can you get some coffees?”

“Wait a minute. You’re going to fall for her victim routine. Your son is in the hospital because of her,” Tess squeals.

Diane looks at Tess crossly. “My son is in love with Liz. So yes, I want to hear what she has to say. Besides Tess, we all know you’ve been allowed to play the victim card way too many times yourself. I suggest you go home, now.”

Tess’s jaw practically hits the floor in shock before she turns and quickly runs away.

I hear Maria giggle. Even Michael cracks a grin. Tess put in her place is pretty funny, but I am a long way from a giggle right now.


**********


Ironic isn’t it? I’m finally going to be allowed to spend time with Max, with some rules of course and yet I don’t know if he’s ever going to wake up. We are living in a far more tragic tale of Romeo and Juliet because I as Juliet am the poison.

My dad has gone home. Max has now been set up in a room, he’s still in a coma but Philip and Diane have been allowed to go sit with him.

Maria and Michael have stayed with me in the waiting room.

“How will I ever make this up to him? He probably won’t even want to speak to me,” I say to Michael.

“This is Max Evans we’re talking about. He loves you. This won’t change anything,” he looks to me cautiously, “but I hope it does.”

“What do you mean?”

“I hope it changes you.”

“Don’t you think I want that to?” I ask him angrily. “But it’s just like I can’t control it at times. I mean I go to therapy, I take my pills and some days I am ok, but other days…” Truthfully, even on my good days I don’t feel right. I either feel too much or not at all.

“Maybe that isn’t enough. Maybe you should go somewhere,” he suggests.

“You mean like a hospital?” The very idea chills me to the bone.

“For a while,” he says with a shrug.

“Shouldn’t my father be the one suggesting this?” I ask.

“He did.”

That’s right. I almost forgot,” but,” I point out, “It was for the wrong reasons.”

“That doesn’t mean the idea itself is wrong.”

“Ok, are you like a 90 year old in a 17 year old body or something?” I’m sorry, I just had to ask.

“What?” he asks.

“No one our age is that wise.”

He laughs. So does Maria. God, I hope that Max gets another chance to laugh.

*************


It’s my turn to go and sit with Max. I walk into the room and just stare at him for a minute. “I’m sorry. So sorry,” I whisper.

His face is grey but he stills looks angelic with his dark hair on the white pillow.

I sit down and take his hand in mine. “You just had to be my hero didn’t you? Well now, I have to find a way to be yours.”

I begin to sob because I don’t know how to be. I don’t want to hurt him, or my dad, or Maria or even Mr. Hardy but I do it anyway. I look down at the newest marks on my left arm that are only two days old. I don’t even want to hurt myself, but I still do.

“Max, I want to change, but I don’t know how.” Maybe this is exactly how my dad feels when he wants to help me but can’t. But what is that saying, “the road to hell is paved with good intentions”? Intentions just aren’t good enough.

I think back to my last conversation with Dr. Yarrow. It was the day before this whole nightmare happened and I can’t help but think it set some of this off. I mean it made me so adamant to hold onto Max and then when I knew that Dad had found out about our deception….

“But, I love him,” I protest.

“I don’t think you’re in much of a position to love anyone right now.”

“You just don’t get it.”

“Yes I do. You can’t live without him. You said so yourself. That’s not a healthy relationship, Liz.”

I look down at my hands.

“You were like this with Sean too, weren’t you?”

I don’t say anything, but I do nod.

“But it didn’t start there did it?”

I shake my head.

“When did it start?”

“I don’t know.”

“I think you do.”

“My father abandoned me. Is that what you want to hear?”

“I think we both know, there was even more to it than that. ”

“I don’t remember.”

“You will. It just takes time Liz.”

I longed for my father my whole life. Sure, after those first 2 years he pulled the disappearing act, he was in my life a few times a year but it wasn’t enough and he was never present really, it was always Nancy this and Nancy that. But it didn’t matter, I had my mom. Then she was gone and I had no one. No one to pay attention to me, to love me. No one until Sean.

I shut my eyes and will the tears away. I can’t think about him now, I can’t.

But I can think about my dad and what he said. Did he really try to play a role in my life? Did my mom really shut him out and keep moving with me to avoid him?

I lean forward and place a soft kiss across Max’s mouth and then I make him a promise. “I’m going to get better. I swear it to you. And when you wake up, you’ll see how different I am.”

I now know what I have to do.

[maya]

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Part 17 – A long way from home


The bus ride is longer than I thought it would be and cramped. This guy in the back row has been smoking even though you’re not supposed to. The lady in front of me keeps scratching the top of her head, god, it is sooo annoying.

Dad would only let me go if Michael accompanied me, so here the two of us are, sitting quietly, side by side, on our way to Arizona, where I was born, the only place I ever lived with both my mom and my dad.

I know you expected me to be on my way to a hospital by now but that’s not going to help me find out the truth. What I need is someone to help me fill in the gaps in my memory.

I fiddle with her name and address on a white piece of paper in my hand. Beth Sanders, one of mom’s original friends and the only one mom remained in contact with through all the moves.

“How do you know she will even be there?” Michael asks.

“She will.” Beth was agoraphobic. “Believe me Michael; she doesn’t even leave her home.”

He nods, hasn’t said much since we left the house and it leaves me feeling a little unnerved. What exactly is he thinking? “Michael?” I ask,

“Ya?” he looks up from his magazine.

I’ve asked him this a thousand times already but I just need to be sure. “You don’t blame me……right?”

He lets out a sigh and rubs his right hand across his temple with distress. “Liz.”

“I know, I know what you said…”

“A few hours ago when you asked me and last night on the phone when you asked me….”

“I know, I just…” I mumble. Why does Michael have this affect on me? Everyone is just putty in my hands, but Michael….

“My answer hasn’t changed, so why do you keep asking me?”

“I just need to hear it again,” I try to explain. One more time and I will be completely reassured. I just know I will.

“No, I won’t say it again.”

“Michael!” I gasp.

“Cause it won’t matter what I say Liz…not when you’re the one blaming yourself.”

He looks way from me and once again becomes absorbed in his magazine.


*************

We stay at a crappy motel. Dad didn’t give me much money. I told you he was a penny pincher, god you’d think just for once he’d splurge, I mean his one and only daughter is on a quest for truth.

We order grilled cheese sandwiches and then we watch some movie on TV, but neither of us really watches. Instead we sit in silence, absorbed in our own private thoughts.

There is only one bed and when it comes time to sleep, of course Michael offers to take the couch. I refuse. I mean, it is King Size for god sake. No reason we can’t share.

I lie awake for hours. I’m starting to get second thoughts. “Michael?”

“Ya?” he asks, through a yawn.

“I don’t know if I can take this. Take the truth.”

“You can, Liz. You put up this front to make people think you’re strong, but what you don’t realize is that you really are.”

I shake my head. If what I find out tomorrow breaks the illusion, I’ll be stuck. I won’t be able to go back and I won’t want to move forward. I just have to remind myself, why I’m doing this. It’s for Max.

“You hated Maria. Now your practically best friends,” he says as if that is proof that I can change.

I have to fess up to something, that comment made my feel guilty. “Well, although I do kinds like her, I still think she’s immature.” There I said it. Now what will he say to that?

“How?” he asks.

“You know, she still really needs your approval all the time.”

He raises his eyebrow. “And you don’t?” he asks. And then he begins to laugh. I guess he is referring to my nagging about the blame thing on the bus.

“Ya, but that’s not the same thing,” I argue. “I mean, I was just like that with one thing, but with Maria, if you don’t compliment her on her outfit every time you see her, even if she’s in like sweat pants or something, she has a fit.”

“So?”

“Don’t you find it annoying?”

“Liz, she’s insecure.” He explains. “You know what her father was like before he left.” He says it so matter of factly as if he’s answering a math equation.

“But,” I argue.

“Liz, people aren’t perfect. There is nothing wrong with being vulnerable,” he looks me straight in the eye,” and there is nothing wrong with liking someone who is vulnerable.”

Michael. Michael. That is exactly how I’m feeling right now. Vulnerable. He always knows the right thing to say.

He kisses the top of my head. “Let’s get some sleep.”

I swat him. “I’m so telling Maria you kissed me!”


***************

Morning comes faster than I like. Michael is already up and has gotten some coffee from one of the machines. He is talking to Maria on his cell and I motion for him to pass me the phone.

“Is he awake?” I ask hopefully.

“No,” Maria responds.

“You’ve been there, right, so that he isn’t alone?” I ask her.

“Yes. I’m at the hospital now and Philip and Diane are here,” then she pauses and adds “and Tess stopped by.”

My blood boils at that comment.

“Don’t worry, I told that frizzy bitch to take a hike and she did.”

“Oh thank you Maria.” God I love her, I really, really do.

“So, are you going over to Beth’s today?” she asks.

I take a deep breathe. “Yes.”

“I really hope you find what you’re looking for Liz.”

Me too.


****************

The outside of Beth’s house is a fright. The grass is like three feet tall, the driveway is cracked, definitely not a poster of maintenance.

I point out the house next door to Michael. “That is where we lived. Me, mom and dad. I was pretty young so I don’t remember much, but I do remember some things.”

Beth answers the door, an older version of what I remember. She is wearing a pair of ripped jeans, an old grey sweater. She pushes her long stringy hair out of her eyes and looks at me without recognition.

I explain who I am and she immediately cracks a smile, and asks Michael and I to come in.

It’s been so long, she can’t believe it, I’ve changed so much, blah blah blah, that’s how the conversation starts once we’ve been seated on the same love seat I sat on as a kid and we’re drinking some hot chocolate.

And she tells me that she hasn’t been doing so well. Hasn’t actually ventured farther than her backyard in over 3 years. The last time, it was to travel to my mom’s funeral.

My mom. So I tell her why I am here.

She doesn’t like anything about this conversation, she tells me. She can’t be disloyal to her best friend, especially her dead best friend.

I explain it’s not about loyalty. I just need to know the truth. And so after I beg and plead and promise not to hate my mom, she finally tells me.

My mom suffered post partum depression. Dad was crazy about her but didn’t know how to handle it. So eventually he started working late, coming home later and later. Some nights he didn’t even come home. Mom thought he was having an affair, so she left him.

“Was he having an affair I ask? Was it with Nancy?”
“I don’t think so, I mean we don’t know for sure. But it definitely wasn’t Nancy, he didn’t meet her until quite a few years later.”

“So she just left him, for nothing?” I ask getting upset. How could she do that to him? I feel like I’m going to be sick.

“She felt abandoned and she was paranoid he was with someone else.”

“Well why didn’t he help her?”

“He just didn’t know how, so instead he just withdrew.”

I look to Michael. ‘Sounds familiar,” he says. Is that how my dad deals with everything he is powerless to change?

She tells me the rest, my grandmother, the one mom said was dead, is very much alive. She’s been in an institution on and off all throughout her life.

My dad did come after me, many times. He even fought for full custody in court but lost. He chased me to two different states. Eventually he just gave up and went on with a new life with Nancy.

I feel like I can’t breathe. How could he just give up on me?

***************

The bus ride home all I do is process it all. There’s just so much, my head hurts. “Did you get what you need?” Michael asks me.

I nod. “Well, what I wanted anyway.”

I look to him sadly. “Everything is just so fucked up.”

He takes my hand. “We all are Liz. Look at my parents, look at Maria’s dad. Max had a tough time before he came to the Evans.”

“I forget that.”

“Forget what?” he asks.

“That they aren’t Max’s real parents. They seem to love him so much.”

He nods.

“Do you know much about what it was like for him before he moved with them at 6?”

Michael shakes his head. “I asked him once but he said he never ever wants to talk about it.”

“That bad huh?” Poor Max. And yet he turned out so well, why can’t I say the same for myself? Why couldn’t I be strong enough?

Michael’s cell phone rings. By his answer I can tell it is Maria.

His face brightens and he covers the receiver for a minute. “Liz, Max has woken up!”

In a few hours we’ll be back in Roswell, and I will be back with Max, where I belong. I am determined to leave all the crap behind me in Arizona, be a real girlfriend to Max.

I have so many things to tell him, I can’t wait. I close my eyes, if I can fall asleep, time will pass faster.

But sleep will not come because there is one thing, from Beth’s conversation, that is playing on my mind. It scares me so much I haven’t even mentioned it to Michael. I can’t mention it because that just might make it true.

[maya]

Hell Everyone. I know there has been a huge delay in my updates.

The bad news is that I came home to a fried computer. I have a new computer now but my updates were on the old computer and almost complete so instead of just finishing them up I had to rewrite them all from scratch, hence the delay.

Thank you all for your feedback and bumps. This has been a hard fic to write and your support has been amazing. There are only about 8 parts left of this fic.

Maya

FSU/MSW - 94
raemac X 3 thanks for all the bumps
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Part 18 – The Magic Words

Max is awake. I’ve pinched myself a million times, just to make sure this isn’t a dream and I can assure you it isn’t. I’m sitting at his bedside, holding his hand right now. Michael and I rushed here straight from the bus station; I haven’t even been home yet.

There’s been a lot of commotion in the room, with his parents, Michael and Maria here as well, so Max and I haven’t had time to say much to each other, but Michael was right when he said Max wouldn’t blame me. His face lit up when I entered the room and he tugged on my arm, pulling me down for a quick kiss.

He doesn’t look too bad, he’s a little pale, and very tired but the doctor said he will make a full recovery. There are no long term affects from the drug overdose.

Philip and Diane leave the room, to let the four of us have some time alone.

Michael looks worn out too. He slept far less than I did on the trip as he felt he needed to look out for me. “Why don’t you two take off for the night,” I suggest.

“We can stay,” Michael argues.

“I think Liz and Max would like some time alone,” Maria explains to him, with a playful grin. “We could to; I haven’t seen you for two days.”

“Right, ok,” he answers, looking towards Max nervously. I know it is hard for him to leave his best friend.

“We will be fine,” I say to which he visibly relaxes. “And Maria, thank you so much for looking after Max and keeping the gerbil away.”

“Yes, Maria, when it came to Tess, you really have been my savior,” Max adds.

“You know it, lover boy,” she says, leaning down to give him a kiss on the cheek. Michael shakes his hand and then they both leave.

Now, it’s just the two of us and we find ourselves staring at each other quietly, smiles on our faces.

“You look beautiful,” he says.

“Max,” I whine. I’ve been on a bus for hours, I stink and I have no makeup. Only Max would say I look beautiful at a time like this and the best part about it is that he means it.

I close the door to his private room and sit back down in the chair beside him.

“Not close enough,” he says, patting the side of his hospital bed. I lie down and bury my head in his chest. Even though he’s in this place and in these hospital duds, he still smells like Max and I just want to crawl inside his skin. I let out a sight of contentment.

“I was going crazy without you,” he admits as he runs his hands through my hair.

I worry he’s overdoing it. “Don’t tire yourself out,” I warn.

“Not to worry, I got extra sleep yesterday because I knew you’d be coming by today.”

I look around the room. Things have changed since I was last here two days ago. There are two new bouquets of flowers, some balloons, and more cards. I missed all of this.

I start to cry. How could I do something so selfish? How could I leave when he needed me? “I’m so sorry I left.”

“It’s ok. Maria explained it to me. That you were going to find out the truth about your mother, to get better That’s what I want for you, Liz.”

“For you,” I add. I want to make sure he knows. “To get better for you.”

He traces circles on my back. I love it when he does that. “Why not for yourself?” he asks sadly.

Doesn’t he get it at all? “Why did you take the drugs Max?” I yell.

“So you wouldn’t. I didn’t want this to happen to you.” There is pain is his eyes.

“But it was ok for it to happen to you?” I ask in desperation. “You are here because of me. I knew I had to find a way to stop these things inside me but I didn’t know how. This was the only way I knew to…” God, I’m an idiot.

“You didn’t make me take those drugs,” he argues.

“Yes, I did. Don’t you get it? If you didn’t meet me, if I didn’t have this dreadful disease, if we didn’t go to Tommy’s party together, then you wouldn’t have taken the drugs. You wouldn’t be lying in this bed.”

He pushes me up and pushes the hair out of my face so he can look directly into my eyes. “Ya, and if none of those things had happened, if I didn’t know you, I wouldn’t be in love.”

For a brief moment, silence hangs in the room. “You, you……” Is he saying what I think he is saying?

And then as if on cue, the magic words are said. “ I love you, Liz.” He takes my hand and kisses my fingertips.

My heart races, then melts, my whole body tingles. My eyes feel warm, my lips curve into a smile. “ I love you too, Max.”

**********

“So did it work?” he asks. After our mutual admissions we just lie here lazily, holding each other. Max is in no condition for anything strenuous.

“What?” I ask.

“You’re trip. Did you find out what you needed to get better?”

“I don’t know. I’m scared it might make it worse.”

“Why?”

“Do we have to talk about this now?” I ask. I just want to forget myself in Max for another few minutes. Please god, just let me have that.

He gives me a peculiar look. “Michael was there.” The way he says it, it’s more like a question.

“Yes,” I reply. He looks away and I wonder why. “You said you were ok with that, the day you came to my balcony.”

“I know I did. I also said it was my problem, my flaw and I’d deal with it but that doesn’t mean it isn’t hard for me.”

I nod in understanding. The last thing I want is to make things any harder than I have already. I take a deep breath. “Ok. It isn’t pretty but this is what I found out about my mother….” my voice trails off, my eyes cast downwards in embarrassment.

“Liz,” Max takes my hand. “You don’t have to tell me.”

He is so wrong. “See the thing is that I do. If we want this to work, we have to be…”

“Honest,” he finishes for me.

“But are you sure you wouldn’t rather rest or we can watch some TV, or I can get you some real food,” I find myself rambling.

He shakes his head. “I would much rather hear about you.”

And so I tell him the whole horrid thing. Well as much as I know. It’s really just another piece to the mysterious puzzle that is my life. “Wow,” is all he says in return.

A few minutes later Diane walks in to find us still cuddled together on the small hospital bed. She doesn’t look too pleased but she does manage a smile at which I feel relieved. “Hi Liz. I think it’s time Max gets some sleep for the night. Your dad is on his way.”

“Aww,” Max whines. God, he looks so cute when he whines.

“No, she’s right. I don’t want to interfere with your recovery,” I say as I get up and grab my things. “Thank you, Mrs. Evans.”

“I’ll just let you two say goodbyes, but about the whole bed thing, once Max comes home, we will be establishing some ground rules for this relationship.”

We both nod, thankful we will at least be allowed to see each other.

After she leaves, Max pulls me down for another soft kiss. “I’m so glad you are ok,” I say.

“I’m so glad you confided in me,” he replies.

“I love you.”

I smile. “I love you.”

***************

When I get home, it’s really late, so I am very surprised to see dad and Nancy are awake. I can hear a familiar tone in their voices as I head towards the living room, you know, the fighting tone?

The minute I enter the room, they stop. Dad looks up at me. “Hi sweetie.”

“Hi dad, Nancy.”

Nancy doesn’t respond to me. Instead, she rolls her eyes, flashes a pointed look at my dad and brushes past me quickly into their bedroom, closing the door behind her.

“What was that about?” I ask.

“Nothing. Long day is all,” he responds. Long day, my ass, I think as I sit down beside him. It doesn’t take a psychic to tell that they were fighting about something. And I just know it’s Nancy’s fault. I want to rip her teeth out.

He smiles at me again and my heart melts. And you know what? I see some wrinkles on his face that I never noticed before. And the grey in his hair, used to only run along the beginning of his forehead, but now it extends back quite a bit and the patches of hair above his ear, they’re full of grey now too. Maybe it’s the way the light from the lamp is shining on him, I don’t know, but he looks old. My dad looks old and I just don’t like thinking about that.

I throw myself into his arms. “Daddy,” I say, but it comes out muffled.

“What is it Lizzie?” he asks.

I lift my head up and look at him. “Nothing.” I try to compose myself. I can’t believe I just did that.

“Is Max okay?” he asks.

I nod.

“How was your talk with Beth?”

I want to tell him how hard and painful it was to hear those things about mom. I want to tell him how angry I am that he didn’t try harder with her, that he didn’t try harder to fight for me. I want to tell him that he’s not off the hook yet, not by a long shot, but I don’t say any of those things. It’s late and I’m tired and I need more time to think about it all. So, I tell him what we both need to hear. “You didn’t abandon me.”

His eyes well up, his nose runs and for the first time ever I see a grown man cry. He reaches for me, I let him hug me. I don’t hug him back, I just can’t.

I hear the bedroom door slam again. Wasn’t it already closed? Nancy must not have liked what she overheard.

The truth. Another magic word. He didn’t abandon me. I look back in the direction of their bedroom door. Then why do I still feel like he did?


***********

Back in my bedroom, I’m suddenly not fine and I can’t sleep, so I give Michael a call. I’m sure it will wake him, but he won’t mind. It rings and rings and then I hear “hello, This is Mike, leave somethin at the beep,” and I find myself wondering where exactly Michael is?

I don’t want to be alone right now but who else can I call? Max. I’d love too, but I don’t think the hospital would let him take my call and he’s supposed to be sleeping. I have to be more grown up about all of this.

A drag. That’s it. I need a drag. I grab my sweater off the bed and climb out my window and light up a cigarette, take a puff and find myself staring up at the stars as I take stock of my life. I wonder what Dr. Yarrow will say about all of this?

I think about Max. He gets out of the hospital tomorrow. A few days of rest and he’ll be back at school. It will be like none of this ever happened.

I smile when I think of what he’s done for me. I Liz Parker have a boyfriend and not just any boyfriend. He’s crazy, willing to risk his life for me and I’d be lying if I didn’t say I love it! I have two friends, although the relationships are shaky at best and my dad well the jury is still out on that, but the verdict has a far more positive potential than it did 24 hours ago. So why won’t this go away then? This feverish aching of unrest.

[maya]

Thanks so much for the noms for Michael in this fic.

The title for this next part is not mine, it comes from a book of the same title.

FSU/MSW -94
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roswell3053
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LairaBehr4

Part 19 - I hate you, please don’t leave me

Breakfast at the crashdown couldn’t be better. Maria and Michael are both working and Max just came in and took a seat in his usual booth.

“Hey,” I say when I walk over to him.

He cocks an eyebrow at me. “Is that all I get for a greeting?” he pouts.

I look back to make sure dad isn’t anywhere to be found before leaning over and giving him a kiss. We haven’t had our family meeting outlining the ground rules yet and I don’t want to push my luck, at least not yet. “How’s that?” I ask.

He smiles at me. “It’s a start.”

“How’s loverboy?” Maria asks me when I come back to pick up an order.

“Good,” I can’t help but sigh.

“How good?” she asks.

I start to answer but then remember that I have a question for her that is far more important, after all curiosity did kill the cat. “Don’t try to divert me. When exactly are you going to tell me what’s up?” I ask.

“What do you mean?” she asks.

She’s trying to play innocent but I don’t buy it. “Oh, I don’t know. Maybe the fact that you’ve placed all the sugar cubes on each table in a heart shape is what I mean. Or that sappy song you keep humming? Or the fact that you just served Pam Troy with a smile, when have you ever given her a smile?”

“Well,” she pulls me aside excitedly. “Michael didn’t want me to tell anyone but since you’re dragging it out of me…just promise you won’t say a word?”

“I promise. Just tell me.” I’ve told you before that Maria can be aggravating at times.

“We had sex.”

What? That was the last thing I expected to come out of her mouth. “You didn’t!”

She nods proudly.

“How was it?” I ask with a grin.

“Well,” she begins to talk even more animatedly with hand gestures to boot, “Awesome. It was romantic and he was attentive and Michael is just sooo…”

We both look towards Michael who has just put one of Maria’s order up.

“Incredible,” I finish for her.

Michael eyes us suspiciously as we walk over to him. ‘Are you two talking about me?” he asks.

“Never,” we say in unison and burst into a fit of laughter.

When he’s gone back to the grill, I give Maria a high five. “Welcome to whoredome, my dear.”

Max and I are going to have to move fast in order to catch up.



*************


When I see Michael taking a break, I can’t resist joining him for a smoke outside. I mean come on, I have major info to torture him with. You would to, I just know it!

“I tried calling you, last night,” I say coyly.

“Oh, ya?” He looks nervous.

“You didn’t answer.”

He looks at me as if to say ‘so what’ and then offers up an explanation. “I was asleep.”

I roll my eyes. “You always answer.” It’s true. I’ve awoken him during a slumber many a time.

He shrugs. “I must have been out cold.”

I think I’ll just spring it on him. “You were out doing the nasty with Maria, weren’t you?”

He turns to me with a glare. “She told you!” He’s fuming now. Oh shit!

“No, no. I’m psychic.”

“Nice try Liz.” He’s right, it is highly unlikely. I mean if I was I’d have used it to solve my oh so pesky, nasty problem. I can’t get Maria in trouble so I try again. “Michael, come on, the way you’ve been acting all day….it doesn’t take a genius to figure out.”
“Acting?” He has no idea what I mean.

“Around Maria?” Man, is anyone at home in there? “The smiles, the whipering. And the fact you weren’t home last night.”

“Alright, geez,” he says. “What are you? The sex police?”

“That’s exactly what I am.” Looks like I got Maria off the hook. Mission Accomplished and I still got to have my fun.

‘So what made you change your mind?” I can’t help but ask. I mean it wasn’t long ago that he said he wasn’t ready and I really want to know.

He looks at me seriously as he puts out his cigarette. “I just got to thinking when we met with Beth that life is too short.”

“Ya it is,” I agree, then add, “Especially to go without sex.”

We both laugh as we head inside.

“Everything is a joke with you, isn’t it?”

I really wish it was, with all my heart.



**********


“I don’t know dad. There are a lot of things going through my head.” We’re in the living room and he’s asking me more about how I feel about what I just found out about mom and him.

“Like what?” he asks.

I have to hand it to him; he’s trying really hard to communicate. I’m just not used to it and I’m not sure what to say.

“She wasn’t who I thought she was.” True for sure, but definitely the understatement of the year.

“She loved you Liz.”

How can he say that, after everything? “She kept me from you,” I protest.

“She wasn’t well. She did the best she could. We all do….”

“Really? You did the best you could? Then why didn’t you fight for me?” I’m crying now. But you were expecting that by now, weren’t you?

“I tried Liz. The court awarded your mom custody. She moved away with you, I followed, she moved again. I knew it I followed again she’s just move again. What was I supposed to do?”

“So you just let me go?”

“No Liz. I went away to get my head straight. Then after that, I arranged regular visitations.”

The trips to see him. Nancy was in the picture by then. I remember the visits all too well. “You were busier with Nancy than you were with me.”

“Liz, I only saw you a few times a year. I had to have a life for myself or else I would have gone stark crazy. Did you want me to be lonely?” He looks pained and my heart breaks.

I can’t help but wonder where Nancy is today. Dad and I have been talking a lot lately and she’s been making herself scarce, which is a rarity. Maybe she finally realizes that we need this time. “Of course not, but I was your daughter. That time we had together should have been precious. She was always monopolizing you and in the way.”

“We were newlyweds at the time. She was insecure, Liz. You knew that.”

“Of course I knew….but dad, I was a kid.” Should that really have been my burden to bare?

He sinks down in his chair in self defeat. “You’ve never been a kid Liz. We never gave you the chance to be. I see that now.”



**********


So, the parental units, minus Nancy of course, just sat us down in the Evans living room and gave us the ground rules. We get to see each other but no real alone time unless it’s a public place, you know, home with the parents, or at the library, a restaurant, that sort of thing. Oh, and no parties until we prove mature enough, after all, the word party now equates with the word drugs in all of their minds.

I throw a sideways glance at Max. At least we get to see each other, right? And I’m sure we can figure some ways around the rules.

“Well Liz, it’s a school night, we better get going,” dad says and Max and I follow him to the door. We all stand their awkwardly and I look at my dad pleadingly. I can tell Max wants to kiss me but he can’t exactly do it now. I was hoping dad would step outside, I mean it technically wouldn’t be breaking the no alone time rule, with the Evans sitting just around the corner in the living room.

I guess it is because dad doesn’t budge, just clears his throat and looks at me.

“Isabelle arrives tomorrow. Will you come over for dinner?” Max asks me and then looks to my dad, “Would that be ok, Mr. Parker?”

“Of course,” dad says with a smile.

Awkwardness, again.

“Well, goodnight Max.” What else can I say.

“Goodnight, Liz.”

He mouths the words ‘I love you’ to me when my father turns and I smile like a giddy school girl. I mouth the words back and a huge grin takes over his face.

Dad opens the door and we head to the car. Man, I really wanted a kiss.



**************


The whole day has sucked. Well, it started out ok. Max and I held hands between classes and managed to make out in the eraser room once.

But after school I went straight for counseling. That’s when things started to go not so well.

I had to rehash the whole visit with Beth.

In light of everything, how do I feel about my mother? Angry, sad, betrayed. That I could answer.

How do I feel about my father? I didn’t tell her about the conversation we had earlier and I have no idea why.

Then we talk about Max. She still feels the relationship is volatile. This whole thing with the drugs, I think she thinks that Max has a lot of problems of his own. Why can’t she just see that he loves me unconditionally?

She doesn’t think he’s good for me. I’m too attached.

Have I mentioned how much I hate this woman?

When I got home, I notice that things between dad and Nancy are tense. I’m starting to notice a theme here. “Were you and Nancy fighting about me?” I asked.

“Of course not sweetheart”. He’s lying. I don’t care though. It seems like dad may be sticking up for me. Good. It’s about time. I hope she leaves him.

Like I said, the day sucked, but now I am on my way to meet the infamous Isabelle. I’m gonna shake off this mood, cause if things continue the way they are, who knows who I will take them out on.


***********



Isabelle isn’t what I imagined at all. She’s tall and beautiful and well I don’t know what I was expecting but she seems normal. Max did say she was on medication, maybe that explains it?

She smiles when we are introduced and shakes my hand. What was I expecting, a temper tantrum? I stifle a laugh at the thought because that is more my style.

As dinner goes on I begin to feel invisible. Max dotes on Isabelle. Does she want more potatoes? Is she too cold? What activities is she up to at the group home? Philip and Diane do the same.

Every once in a while Max flashes a smile my way, Isabelle does the same, but hers is tainted with something. What is with that look she’s giving me? I really can’t define it.

Have you ever looked at someone and felt really really sick, like they’ve just reminded you of something, linked up to some painful memory, only you don’t even know which? It really has nothing to do with them and you know it and yet you can’t stop how you feel as the anger starts to boil inside of you?

That’s how I feel right now, towards Isabelle. God, why can’t I just have 20 minutes of peace? Why can’t I just feel normal? I don’t want to feel like this anymore.

When the dishes are cleared, and it’s just Isabelle and Max and I at the table, she looks at me and smiles. “So, I hear you like getting guys to O.D. for you?”

“What?” I ask.

They wouldn’t have told his mentally ill sister about the incident, would they? I mean what purpose would it serve?

“Isabelle, how did you find out?” Max asks.

“A good friend,” she says with a smile. “You three keep me so in the dark. You’re letters are so bland, like you don’t think I can handle anything. There’s only one person I can rely on for gossip.” Her smile is eerie and my bad feeling is getting much much worse.

The door bell rings. Diane hollers that she’ll get it.

“Oh speak of the devil,” Isabelle says and I look up to see Tess Harding enter the room and the two embrace.

“Why is Tess here?” I say to Max. “Your family can’t stand her!”

“We love Tess!” he says back with a laugh.

I look at him perplexed. Are we in an episode of the twilight zone? He pulls me aside. “Look, just go along with it. Tess is the only one who stayed friends with Isabelle all these years, so when she’s home…”

I roll my eyes and finish the sentence for him. “You pretend to like her.”

“Yes, for her sake. We get such little time with her Liz, we…”

I don’t like the way I feel right now. “Maybe I should just leave.”

“No, stay, please?” he begs.

“Ok.” What girl could resist a Max Evans beg? I walk back into the kitchen and sit down.

Things are said, I don’t know what. Max continues to dote. Isabelle and Tess send me smug looks.

Then it happens. I promise you, I do everything I can to stop it from happening, but it’s no use; like a volcano, I just explode. So I try to contain it, but I can’t. The last of my will crumples to the ground and what’s left is so ugly and vile, I’m not sure that even you could stomach it.

I don’t even know exactly how its starts, the ranting I mean, only that it’s all directed at Max. I just suddenly find myself at its ugly bitter end.

“You are such a loser,” I spit at him. I can see the words coming out of my mouth, but I can’t stop them.

“Liz, you don’t mean that.”

“Yes, I do. You don’t even love me.”

Pain registers across his face. “I took drugs for you.”

“Ya, so you’d have something else to blame me for.”

“That is not true,” he protests as though he’s been slapped in the face. “Where is this coming from? I thought you were doing better. Tell me,” he looks pained, “What can I do?”

“Stop it!” I scream.

“Liz, I’m only trying to help.”

Everyone is looking at me now. Isabelle, Tess, are smugger than ever, even the Evans have come back into the room and stand motionless unsure of what to do.

“Stop trying to analyze me, to fix me, to figure things out. I’m not a toy. I’m not a puzzle for you to solve. I’m real. Flesh and blood!” I grab my purse off the table and turn back once more. “I hate you,” are the last words that leave my mouth before I bolt out the front door.



***********



It’s only hours later when the mood has subsided that I start to feel the ramifications of my actions while alone in my room.

What have I done? Oh lord, what have I done? I pace back and forth in my room. How could I do it? What was I thinking?

Tears stream down my face and I make my way to my dresser, pull open a drawer and rummage through until I find the picture of Max and myself. I hold it against my chest and lay back down on the bed where I start to cry.

He will never forgive me now. After the things I said, especially with Isabelle there. Why can’t I stop this, the anger boiling inside me? And how will I ever live without him? This picture may be the closest I will ever be to him again.

There’s a knock at my window. I turn my tear stained face towards it to see Max waiting outside. He motions, asking if he can come in and all I can do is nod. My heart sores with hope but one look at his face once he is inside and it dashes. I don’t know what to expect at all.

I throw myself at him, wrapping my arms around him. “Please don’t leave me. Please don’t leave me.” My voice is now a hoarse whisper but still I beg again. “Please, Max, don’t leave me.”

[maya]

Part 20 – Once upon a time

I throw myself at him, wrapping my arms around him. “Please don’t leave me. Please don’t leave me.” My voice is now a hoarse whisper but still I beg again. “Please, Max, don’t leave me.”

I know you don’t think it’s possible to hate someone and not be able to live without them all in the same day. But I am living proof. And the switch in emotions feels like the walk of death itself.

I wonder what it feels like to him? I’m not sure I can bare to stand here and find out, but somehow I do.

He lifts my head and looks me straight in the eye. “Liz, I’m not going anywhere,” he growls. The words should be comforting but he looks so tense and angry.

I start to stammer, nerves can do that to me. “But Max. I just don’t understand, I mean, the things I said and you’re sister was there…” I want him to forgive me, of course I do. But how can he forgive me so easily?

“When I told you I loved you, did you think I didn’t mean it?”

“No, I, well. “ The things I said could crush the strongest warrior. Everyone has their limits.

“Because if you think I can just turn those feelings off because of a few words, then I guess I haven’t been a very good boyfriend.”

“You’re not mad at me?” I ask surprised.

He doesn’t answer me. Instead he rolls the sleeves of my shirt up and examines my wrists. He looks at me neck, lifts up my shirt to examine my stomach, all with surgical precision. “You didn’t cut, did you?” he asks.

I shake my head no.

“Good.”

It all becomes clear to me. “So that’s it then. You’re treating me like Isabelle. Appeasing me so I won’t cut?”

He looks as though he’s been shot but when he speaks his voice is so commanding it sends a shiver down my spine. “What? Of course not. Make no mistake, I am mad at you, Liz. But what I need to make sure I am very clear on before we get into this is that I still love you.”

He sits on my bed with a sigh. “The fact that you haven’t been cutting. I think, things are getting better. I mean you’ll have bad days, we can’t expect that things will just be perfect with the snap of a finger...” he looks to me for confirmation.

I sit beside him. “I’m not so sure. It feels worse. I feel worse.”

“But you’ve been talking and not just to your therapist. To Michael, to Beth, to your Dad,” he smiles, “To me.: He takes my hand. “ You’re starting to understand yourself better, Liz. That’s key here, don’t you think?”

“I guess. But what good is it if I can’t control the things I feel. When I was at your house…god I tried so hard Max…”

He kisses my fingertips. “What happened Liz?”

“Well, I don’t know exactly. I just started to feel really invisible….” I stop talking because Max has gotten up and is pacing the floor, distracted, not even listening to me. Why’d he even ask the question if he didn’t want the answer?

“She’s jealous, you know,” he mutters, without even looking up at me.

“What?” I ask. There is obvious something else on his mind, but I have no idea what he is talking about.

“Isabelle. Jealous of you. That’s why she was like that. Why she asked Tess over to tag team you.”

“Oh.” She was wasn’t she? That explains part of my feelings tonight, doesn’t it? It was like dealing with Nancy all over again. Feeling guilty you’re even alive because someone else doesn’t want you to be.

He looks at my pleadingly. “It’s my fault Liz. I shouldn’t have invited you over. It’s just I wanted to show you off.”

“Stop it Max. You have to stop taking responsibility for my feelings and my actions if this is going to work. I’m not a doll that has to be fixed.”

“You said that earlier. Yelled it actually.”

“Sorry.” I wish he could be with someone normal. I wish I could be normal.

“No. Is that how I treat you?” he asks.

I lower my head in shame. I don’t want him to feel bad. “Sometimes.”

He curses at himself. “Oh. I don’t mean to, I just hate seeing you like this.”

“I hate feeling like this. I just…don’t ever treat me like you do Isabelle, like she isn’t well enough to hear the truth, you can’t play god with someone like that, it isn’t right.”

“I never have. Not with you.”

“I know but…” and here’s that pesky little problem that came to me after talking to Beth. “seeing Isabelle, knowing how ill she is and how you all treat her… it just reminded me that I may never be able to beat this…”

“Why?”

“My mother and my grandmother both had mental illnesses. What if this is just genetic and there is nothing I can do about it,” I start to cry now.

He wraps his arms around me.“Liz, you are the strongest person I know. You can beat this.”

“You and Isabelle both had crappy childhoods, both ended up in the same foster home, both came to the Evans, but you didn’t develop a mental illness, maybe it’s because you had different biological parents. For her it was genetic, inevitable. You just got the better gene pool.”

He sighs and lets go of me. “The difference had nothing to do with Biology.”

I look at him because I don’t understand.

“The difference,” he hesitates for a moment and then finishes, “ is that I had you.”

“Max, you are really confused. We only met this year.” What is he talking about?

He looks at me with a huge grin and I can’t for the life of me fathom why. What he says knocks the pants off of me. “Why don’t you play the flute anymore?”

Whoa. Way to the change the subject and how does he know I used to play? I gave it up a long time ago, well before I ever moved here.

“Max, what is going on?”

He runs his hand through his hair nervously and then he takes a seat in the chair. “Isabelle and I didn’t adjust well when we moved here at all.”

“Really? The Evans seem like such nice people.”

“They are, but our pasts were just too much. Isabelle cried herself to sleep at night remembering the things her father did to her. I comforted her, the Evans didn’t know how to handle it. I was even more of a handful for them. I dealt with my biological mother’s abuse by withdrawing, I was a very quiet and angry kid. The first few years didn’t go well at all.”

“I had no idea.” I’m glad he is opening up to me.

“I don’t like to talk about it.”

I want to go over to him but he looks uncomfortable so I stay where I am.

“The summer I turned nine they offered me the chance to go to band camp.”

Band camp. I hated it. I went one summer too. ‘What did you play?” I ask.

“Clarinet. Believe me I wasn’t any good. But I wanted to get away from them, so I took the opportunity. The first few weeks were horrible. I skipped practices, got in trouble for hiding out, was picked on by the other kids. Then the last week, I was sitting down by the water eating diner, planning to go down and drown myself in the lake after everyone had gone to bed. I was sitting at this picnic table and this beautiful girl came over to me with some flowers. It was you Liz.”

“Max. You must be mistaken. The only band camp I ever went to was in Arizona.”

“That’s the one. Camp Berdine. You don’t remember?”

I shake my head. I did go to Camp Berdine but I don’t remember a Max Evans. What I do remember is the brown haired boy I had a crush on but could never remember his name.

“You were so kind to me, and so beautiful, we talked for hours and were the first person I ever cared about”

“Hi. Would you like these?” the brown haired girl with the big doe eyes said as she handed a bunch of dandelions to the boy at the picnic table.

“Thank you.” He was surprised his voice was void of its usually snarky tone.

“Why are you so lonely?” The girl asked taking a seat beside him.

“I am not lonely.” He crossed his arms over his chest. “ I just prefer being by myself.”

“No one wants to be by themselves.”

Their eyes met and the brown haired boy, embarrassed at having been found out looked down at the ground.

The girl extended her hand. “I’m Liz Parker.”

The boy replied. “I’m Max.”

“Why aren’t you with your friends?” he motioned over the group playing soccer.

“I wanted to be with you instead. Wanna play paper rock scissors?”

“Sure.”

I remember it all. “We talked every day for that last week of camp.”

“You gave me your address.”

“Why didn’t you write me?”

“I did, a few weeks later but got a return to sender.”

That’s right. I got home from camp to find the house had sold and we were moving again. And mom wasn’t one to put a forwarding address on our mail.

“You saved my life Liz. ”

“Were you really going to kill yourself?” I just can’t picture it really.

“I don’t know. I was nine, but I was thinking about it and when I came back from camp everything changed for me. I did well in school, I became part of life. I never gave up hope that we would see each other again.”

“Why didn’t you say anything when I came into town?”

“You weren’t exactly nice to me when we met at the Crashdown or in class.”

“Right,” I remember guiltily.

“And I was worried you would think I was a stalker.”

How could he think something like that? “What I think is that it is terribly romantic. To have been in love with me all that time.” It’s like something straight from a movie.

“I have been. So no matter what you do…”

“But I am not that same girl,” I protest. I just don’t feel very lovable at all, so how could he have felt this way for all this time?

“No. You’re right, you aren’t that girl anymore, but you’re even better Liz. You have such a big heart.”

I wrap my arms around him and pepper his face with butterfly kisses. “God, Max, I love you.”

“So when you say you won’t get better…I just can’t accept it. I don’t care what the odds are, what a doctor or a book says, we were meant to be together. And you will get better.”

“God I hope that’s true Max. Sometimes, I just want to give up.”

“You are improving. It may not seem that way, but you are.” He smiles at me. “ We just have to take it one day at a time.”

I cock an eyebrow at him. “Liz, I am here with you through all of it. I always have been.”

He bends down and kisses me, tugging my lower lip with his teeth. I open my mouth and he immediately thrusts his tongue inside my mouth and begins caressing mine.

The kisses intensify and within seconds his hands are all over me; running through my hair, down my back, over my ass. I return the favor, running my hands down his chest, then back up again to the top button but rather than unbutton it, I rip it open, giving me a view of his rippled, amber flesh.

His tongue thrusts in and out of my mouth and he pulls my hips against his and begins to mimic the action, creating a friction so great, I am instantly wet.

“Max,” I scream. ‘All I want, all I need is Max’ is the only thing I can think in this sex induced fog, as I lead him towards the bed.

He lifts my shirt over my head. Unclasps my bra, reaches for my breasts with both his hands. We sit on the side of the bed and I fall backwards with a moan as he tightly pinches my left breast while darting out his tongue to taste the nipple of the other.

Nothing is gentle, or soft. It’s rough and hot. I tingle all over, from my head to my toe. As I flip us over so that I’m straddling him and grind our jean clad lower halves together, I feel guided by something so strong, it must be satiated.

I unzip his pants and reach into his boxers to free his erection. It feels velvet and smooth and hard all at once and I lick my lips at the pre-cum I can see shining on its tip.

“Liz, Liz,” he hisses, pushing my hand away. “We can’t do this.”

“Oh yes, we can,” I say as I pull his pants and boxers down his legs.

“You said before you wanted to wait,” he protests.

I look at him and smile. I want him to know how much I love him. “I’m ready Max. We love each other. We have forever. You said it yourself. Why wait?” I grab his erection and start to pump it slowly in my hand.

“Liz,” he says between pants. “It shouldn’t be like this. It should be gentle and slow and…”

I let go of him temporarily to remove my own pants and panties. He froths at the mouth when he sees the small dark patch at the start of my thighs.

“I want it fast and hard Max,” I say as I lay naked on the bed beside him. I mean I won’t ruin the moment by saying it but it’s not like this is either of our first times. “Gentle can wait. I’ve wanted you since that day at the park.”

He turns on his side to face me and runs his fingers through my hair. “I’ve wan ted you since…well.” Is that a blush I see creeping up on Max’s cheeks? “Well,” he clears his throat,” since way longer than I should of.”

I can’t help but smile. The thought of Max, whacking off to an image of me in his early teens has me so wet, I won’t live without release.

“Well then,” I say as he bends forward and kisses me again.

“I love you, Liz,” he says as his hands gently brush my thighs open. He quickly slides his fingers up and down my folds and I buckle my hips against his hands with a groan.

I know he wants to make me cum this way first, but all I want is him. I reach out and grab his painfully hard erection. “Max, now,” I demand.

He gets on his knees and enters me in one quick thrust and then we begin to move. I put my arms around him, pulling him towards me so that he fills me even more fully and we both groan at the feeling.

He rides me hard, exactly the way I like it, while we continue to nip and bite at each other everywhere. Too be filled with Max Evans is a feeling I never ever again want to be without.

As the tension builds we find ourselves moving higher too. We are both on our knees in the middle of the bed now, his thrusts are longer, deeper; when he thrusts out, his cock almost complexly leaves me and then fills me even more completely when we join again.

Oh god, it’s happening. I throw my head back in ecstasy as the spasm take hold of my entire body. “God, Liz,” his voice is hoarse as he shoots his semen into me in spurts and we both pulsate together, our bodies eventually slowing down as the waves subside and we collapse on the bed together, satisfied, sleepy, salty and sticky from sweat.

We lie on the bed side by side, sharing an intense gaze. He runs his fingers through my now damp hair. “Are you, ok?”

I can’t help but laugh. He can take me like that and yet still be so polite.
“What do you think?”

“I think that was…”

There are no words to describe it. “Ya,” I agree.

We get under the covers, wrap our arms around each other and close our eyes.

I don’t have to ask if it lived up to his teenage boy dreams, as his breathing evens out and I watch him drift to sleep, I have never seen him so at peace.