How would you handle it?

Post by **Kzinti_Killer** » Fri Aug 04, 2006 8:08 am

This question is meant to apply to both sides of this little cautionary tale. I ran across this story out of the web and I thought I'd throw it up for discussion. A man and woman are married for twenty years, with three children. In their first year of marriage, following the birth of their first child, she had an extra-marital affair. He caught her. What followed is the usual mess of shouting, screaming, tears, and therapy; followed by a decision to try and save their marriage. Which they did, mostly. I say mostly because while she's been faithful ever since (this story was her POV so you can take that with as big a grain of salt as you wish) and they've been mostly happy, there is one serious fly in the ointment. Everytime they have a serious argument, he plays the "you cheated on me" card and she feels driven by her guilt to back down.

My problems here are two.

The first is, once a cheater, always a cheater. You can't take it back, or make it unhappen. It's done. And the odds are damn high that it will be done again. That being the case, in the man's shoes, I'd have filed for divorce forthwith. He can never trust her again.

My second problem is with his behavior now. Forgiveness is a process, but once it's done, it's like marriage *should* be. You're either in it all the way, or you aren't in it at all. You'll never forget as long as you live, but once you forgive, that's it. His using her mistake as a bludgeon to get his way borders on emotional abuse. He should have cut her free years ago, rather than put both of them through this....either that or he needs to grow the hell up and honor *his* commitment to forgive her.

Opinions?

Lady_vixen · Post by **Lady_vixen** » Fri Aug 04, 2006 7:12 pm

i agree with once a cheater always a cheater but it seems to me like he stayed with her to punish her. If that is on the front of his mind, he never really forgave her. So basically she was unfaitful but i think he is mentally punishing her and they will never truely be "happy". Its a losing situation for all because I am sure the kids can feel all that anger between them.

Zanity · Post by **Zanity** » Fri Aug 04, 2006 7:41 pm

I can't answer this definitively... I'd need more information regarding the circumstances of the cheating.

But I can say this....

Once she cheated, he should have made a decision between one of two choices...

1) Forgive her
2) Divorce her

Any other decision is unfair to her.

The forgive her option should only be used if...

A) He believes that she is genuinely sorry for her actions; not just sorry she was caught.

and

B) He's willing to risk it happening again if a similar situation ever occurs.

If he forgives her by definition, he's not allowed to hold it against her any more.

People are capable of growing, changing, and learning from the mistakes of the past. But you can't count on that because most don't.

I can say there are situations were I would forgive someone for cheating on me as well as situations that I wouldn't. But either way the decision I made would be the end of the situation. There would be no playing the "You cheated" card.

Someone needs to have a chat with this guy about the nature of forgiveness.

Someone also needs to have a chat with this lady and explain to her that her cheating in the past does not change facts in the present. That unless the argument their having directly relates to the those happenings then him playing the "You Cheated" card is tantamount to playing an Uno "Draw Four" card in the middle of a Pinochle game.