Khivar raped Vilandra in her life on Antar and the memories were passed to Isabel through the link. She is now stuck with them in her own head. Yes, I know, I'm putting these characters through hell. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel. This chapter contains the last disturbing dream sequence. Enjoy. And as always, feedback is the writer's crack.
Chapter 11
Two hours. It had been two hours since he had last seen her; spoken to her; touched her. It was the longest he had gone without some kind of contact with her since this whole thing began. And the look on her face when he left that room was doing nothing to convince him that he shouldn’t be holding her right now; reassuring her that he would be there for her no matter what. Walking out had been the single most difficult thing he could recall doing in his life time. He sat on the couch in the living room, hands between his knees, staring at the floor. He had attempted to sleep earlier; his instincts telling him that when this finally sank in to Isabel’s overwhelmed mind, neither of them would be doing much sleeping. Unfortunately, his psyche had other ideas and had kept him awake and staring at the ceiling for an hour before he finally gave up. Max and Michael had gone into Max’s room and he hadn’t seen them for at least an hour. Sighing, he headed towards the kitchen to pour himself a glass of water.
A loud thump, a bang, and Isabel’s now familiar terrified shriek made him drop the plastic cup he was taking from the cabinet and race towards the room.
Oh god, will this ever end?
“Alex!” Michael bellowed, a split second before he joined Max and Michael standing in the wide open doorway.
“Oh god.” He pushed past them to get to her and stopped short at the threshold. Isabel was on the floor, having fallen out of bed in an obvious attempt to escape her mental demons. There was a red mark on her forehead where she had apparently hit her head on the nightstand on the way down. Alex gulped reflexively, imagining the goose egg she would have in a few hours. But what broke his heart was the sound of her moaning sobs, and the sight of her tears streaming through her closed eyes as she thrashed and continued to fight off her imaginary attacker. It mildly alarmed him that the desperate, out of control panic that he had experienced when he had first seen Isabel like this was replaced with a morbid feeling of déjà vu. She was sobbing, whimpering, moaning, twisting, rocking; to even the educated observer, an ideal candidate for a psychiatric hospital. To Alex, it was simply symptomatic of the terror she was experiencing in her mind. She nearly whacked her head on the edge of the nightstand again and he jumped to action. Without hesitating, he crouched down and pulled her rigid, resisting body into a straight jacket hold.
She screamed and bucked but he held her tightly from behind. Her head snapped back in a last ditch effort to escape but he reacted quickly, moving one forearm to wrap around her forehead and pull her head back against his shoulder. He was torn between risking making her nightmare worse and holding her to prevent her from hurting herself, again. Deciding that the latter was more important at the moment, he held her as gently as he could under the circumstances and began to whisper soothingly in her ear, hoping that his voice would somehow bring her out of it.
“Isabel…Isabel, listen to me. Shhh, Isabel. Shhh. I’ve got you. You’re safe. You’re ok. I won’t hurt you. Shhh. Open your eyes. Come on sweetheart. Open your eyes for me.” She screamed again, a loud, desperate, animalistic noise, making Alex wince as her mouth was very near his right ear. He tightened his grip as she continued to struggle. She wasn’t coming out of it.
“Alex?” Alex jerked his eyes from Isabel to see Max crouching in front of them. Michael stood behind him, looking ready to pounce.
“God Max, do you think he reversed the connection already?” Alex nearly shouted over Isabel’s wailing.
“No, I don’t think so.” Max was fairly confident. “She came out of those dreams fairly easily; this has to be something different. I want to connect with her again.” Alex nodded, not being able to come up with another viable solution in his current state of mind. Isabel’s wailing and grinding of teeth was making her look more like a candidate for exorcism than a petrified girl having night terrors. Still fighting him and thrashing wildly, she managed to twist her arm and dig her fingernails into Alex’s forearm. Grimacing against the pain, he saw Michael come forward and crouch down. He gripped Isabel’s wrists gently and pinned her forearms down. The blankets she had twisted herself in when falling were still wrapped around her legs. Between Alex and Michael, she was effectively immobilized. Alex fought back the guilt he felt at having to resort to physically restraining her, knowing that it was literally a last resort; this was definitely a desperate situation. She continued to wail and whimper, fighting against their hold with every last ounce of energy she possessed, which he reasoned couldn’t be much at this point. He met Michael’s eyes and saw what he felt; pain and overwhelming determination. Max leaned in over Michael from the side and gently touched Isabel’s forehead while Alex held her head steady on his shoulder.
“I’m not going to hurt you Iz,” Max said softly, even though he knew he was probably speaking to a brick wall. She groaned in angry, helpless protest when he touched her temple. He winced but didn’t have time to contemplate this as he was hurled head first into the most confusing whirl of emotions he had ever experienced. Terror. Pain. Anger. Guilt. Fear. Shame. He found himself pasted on the ceiling, watching from above.
“That’s right, fucking, feels good, doesn’t it?” He slammed into her. She screamed. Screamed. Screamed. Screamed.
“Whore.”
Whimpering. “Don’t hurt me, please don’t hurt me, please, please, please, please, please, don’t hurt me…” The room began to spin and Max shut his eyes, blocking out the disturbing scene. When he opened them again, he was standing in a dark room with the equivalent of a naked bulb of light shining down onto a figure. She was huddled in the center of the room and shaking. He knew instantly it was Isabel. She was completely curled in on herself with her arms wrapped around her knees and her head buried between them. Her normally impeccably groomed hair was frazzled and greasy, hanging limply over her shoulders. Her whole body shook like a frightened kitten.
“Don’t hurt me, please don’t hurt me, please, please, please, please, please.” The words were the same, only the scene had changed. This was the “dark place” she talked about.
“Isabel,” he approached her slowly. Her head whipped up.
“Max?” Disbelief. Fear. Humiliation. “No, Max, no. Stay away Max, please don’t hurt me, stay away.” His chest constricted painfully, but he wasn’t leaving her alone this time.
“I won’t hurt you Isabel, I won’t hurt you. I’m not leaving you alone.” By this time he was standing directly over her, watching her cower in fear at his feet. He crouched down and she winced, as if expecting to be struck. Not giving her a chance to react, he put his arms securely around her. He pulled her tightly against his chest, neutralizing her feeble attempts to escape him. She wailed in protest and pounded her fists against his chest, but he held her tightly. “Isabel, shhh... I won’t hurt you… You’re safe… I’m not leaving you ... Shhh.” Her exhausted body couldn’t take anymore and she slumped against him; whimpering and panting.
“Go away Max, please. Just leave me alone.”
“No.” She panted heavily against his chest, crying, choking, and trying to breathe. For what felt like an eternity, he held her, stroking her back silently. He expected her to fight him, to try to break free, but it never happened. To his complete surprise, the next words out of her mouth were,
“Please Max, please make it stop.” He winced at the absolute desperation he heard in her voice.
“Is he back? Did he make another connection?” he queried gently.
“N-no, this is…all me I think. I just, it’s not Khivar really, it’s, it’s the memory of him…and…and Vilandra. Oh god, oh god. It’s in my head…like, like it’s my memory, but, but it’s not.” She started to sob. He rocked her gently before tentatively asking another question.
“So it doesn’t have anything to do with the connection?”
“N-no, I d-don’t think so.” She dissolved into sobs yet again.
“Shhhh, ok. It’s ok.”
“What am I going to do Max?” she wailed from his chest. Max swallowed once before responding.
“I want to try something Iz, ok?”
“O-ok.”
“You know what delta brain waves are?”
“Y-yeah.”
“The ones that control you when you sleep.”
“Yeah.”
“I want to try to control them so that you can sleep without the dreams.”
“W-why didn’t you do that before?”
“I’ve never done it before; I didn’t want to scare you more. And I think the whole problem was that Khivar’s connection took over your brain.”
“But now…”
“I don’t know if I can erase the memory, but I can try to make it so that you can sleep.” Isabel was silent. He leaned back to look at her, her dream-body still trembling slightly. “Do you trust me Iz?” She looked terrified.
“Yes Max,” her answer was so honest, so immediate.
“Ok. I’m going to put you to sleep. You don’t have to do anything, just relax. Everything’s ok. When you wake up, we’ll be right there, I promise. Alex and Michael are with you right now. All you have to do is close your eyes and go to sleep.” He hadn’t expected her to do as he said without question, but he felt her relax against him almost immediately. “Go to sleep. Just relax, close your eyes. I’m right here. Shhh. That’s it.” As he spoke, he channeled a small amount of soothing energy into her dream self and waited for the telltale signs of a person in deep sleep. “Shhh, it’s ok. Go to sleep.” He doubted that she even realized what he was doing. The space around him seemed to lighten. It was warmer, peaceful. The apparition of Isabel slept soundly in his arms. Breathing a small sigh of relief, Max withdrew himself from the dreamscape.
Alex and Michael watched in amazement as Isabel slumped against Alex’s chest, completely unconscious and silent.
“Holy shit,” Michael cautiously released her wrists and Alex loosened his grip, but he wasn’t ready to let her go just yet. “What the hell was that? 15 minutes?”
“Yeah,” Alex breathed a momentary sigh of relief. “I have no idea. God I hope it wasn’t him.” He shuddered, Michael nodded in agreement. Whatever he was going to say next was cut off by Max suddenly opening his eyes and gasping for breath. He pulled away from Isabel and Alex caught her head as it slumped forward. “Max?” He was crouched next to Isabel, holding his head in his hands and breathing heavily.
“She’s sleeping.”
“What was that?”
“Not Khivar.” Alex let out a breath he hadn’t known he’d been holding.
“What was it then?”
“The memories of Khivar raping Vilandra have become her own memories. They aren’t controlled by Khivar, but her own mind turns the memories into nightmares.”
“Oh shit.”
“I can’t erase the memories. I tricked her brain into going to sleep though.”
“You did what?”
“Delta waves…powers. She’s asleep and shouldn’t be waking up any time soon, but when she does; hopefully no nightmares.” The three of them sat in silence, lost in contemplation. It was then that Alex remembered the swelling mark on her forehead. It had gone from angry red to purple.
“Michael, help me get her back on the bed. We need to do something about that bruise.”
“I’ll get some ice,” Max got off the floor and headed towards the kitchen, relieved to have something to do with himself. Michael slowly began to free Isabel’s legs from the twisted sheets. Alex scooted out from behind her, carefully cradling her limp upper body to his chest and supporting her head. Michael took her legs and together, they lifted her from the floor and gently placed her back on the bed. Alex rearranged the pillows while Michael recovered her with the sheets and comforter. She slept soundly throughout the entire ordeal.
“She looks so…small.” Alex sighed. The events of the past hour reminded him all too well of how her poignant dreams affected her. How could she get better if the very thing that was causing her distress was the one thing that could save her? How could they do this? How could he do this to her? He raked his hands over his face and through his hair.
“At least you can do something to help her,” Michael sighed. “I’m kinda the third wheel here. I mean, Max has his powers, and you’re…you. I’m just a stand in for either of you.”
“That’s not true.”
“It’s not?”
“She loves you.”
“I think the lack of sleep is getting to you Wittman...”
“I mean that.”
“She loves you.”
“Think about it.” Michael raised his eyebrow.
“Yesterday, she went to the Crashdown, right?”
“Yeah.”
“I was at home; Max was at the UFO Center.”
“Are you going somewhere with this?”
“Correct me if I’m wrong, but the catalyst for this whole chain of events was her throwing a Cherry Coke in your face because you said ‘hi’.”
“Pretty much.”
“A mentally stable person does not throw a drink at a person who says hi.”
“No.”
“Whether or not she consciously knew it, she was at the end of her mental rope. She needed to feel safe. She could have come to any of us. Max was the logical choice since he’s the only other person who knew about the dreams, but she didn’t go to him.” He paused. “She went to you. She knew you would protect her. You make her feel safe.” Michael blinked. “My guess is that she went to the Crashdown because she knew that you would be there. She needed to feel safe, but in her unstable mind, she probably didn’t consider the very likely possibility that you might say hi. When you did, you reminded her of why she was there. She couldn’t handle the shame and guilt, and she bolted.”
“Thank you, Sigmund Freud.”
“I’m serious.”
“I know.” Michael would never admit it, but Alex’s recognition of his place in Isabel’s life meant a lot to him. He was saved from having to come up with a deeper response by Max’s return with an icepack and the almost empty bottle of Tylenol. Alex took the icepack and placed it gently on the swelling knot on Isabel’s forehead. She winced and whimpered, twisting slightly, but she didn’t awaken.
“Shhh. Sorry,” he apologized to the unconscious girl. She calmed down at the sound of his voice. He cautiously stretched out on the bed next to her. As if sensing his presence, she turned her face into his chest and nuzzled the fabric of his shirt. “Shhhhh.” He kissed her cheek and ran the fingers of one hand through her hair, readjusting the icepack with the other. He turned to Max and Michael. “I’m going to stay with her until she wakes up.” Michael nodded in agreement, but couldn’t help pointing out:
“You know, she might be pissed since she told us all to get the hell out.”
“I don’t give a damn. You saw her. She can kick and scream all she wants. I’m not leaving her alone again.”
“No argument here. Hopefully she’ll sleep for a while anyway,” Max added. “It’s getting late, when’s the last time she ate?”
“I guess it was that bowl of soup that I had to practically force down her throat,” Michael grimaced.
“I don’t want to wake her up. She’ll be hungry enough when she wakes up on her own.”
“I haven’t eaten yet today, I’m gonna go order take out. Too tired to cook. You want anything?” Max offered.
“Yeah, whatever you’re having is fine, thanks.” Alex nodded gratefully. He had barely had time to eat since yesterday, having been a little distracted. Michael and Max left the room and he turned his attention to the sleeping girl in his arms. Whatever Max had done had worked. Her breathing was deep and even and the worry lines that were constantly etched in her forehead were less visible.
She looks so innocent.
“I guess I’m not your favorite person right now, am I?” he whispered, knowing she wouldn’t respond. “I know you’re scared baby. God…I’m scared too.” He ran his fingers through her hair again, not sure if it was to comfort her or himself. He kissed her forehead, continuing, “I wish I could take it away.” He swallowed the lump forming in his throat as he scanned her sleeping face. “I just need you to be ok.” He paused. “I’ll take care of you sweetheart. If you were conscious, you’d probably rip me a new one for saying that, huh? Tell me you don’t need anyone to take care of you…call me a chauvinist pig…” he chuckled. “Whatever you decide, I’m going to be there. I’m not going anywhere and nothing you can say will change my mind.” He kissed her forehead tenderly again and laid his head on her chest, soothed by the sound of her steady breathing.
Isabel opened her eyes to total darkness. She froze, her breathing speeding up and her heartbeat skyrocketing until she realized that the thing she was clutching to her chest was a person and that person was talking to her.
“Shhhh, it’s ok Iz. You’re ok.”
“Alex?”
“Yeah, I’m right here.”
“Where are you?” Wait, he just answered that. Before she could berate herself for sounding like an idiot, the dim light on the nightstand switched on and she was squinting into his concerned eyes.
“Right here.” He cupped her cheek with one hand and to his relief, she nuzzled into him. A few seconds later, he realized that his palm was wet. She was crying. “Shhh.”
“I…I’m sorry…I yelled at you,” she whimpered into his hand. “I…shouldn’t have done that. It…it’s not your fault and…and I need you. Please…
“Shhh…it’s ok sweetheart, I know.” He wiped her eyes with the pads of his thumbs and kissed her forehead. She sat up, putting her arms around his neck and hiding her face in the crook of his shoulder.
“You don’t hate me?” she mumbled.
“Never.”
“I’m sorry.”
“You have nothing to apologize for. You were overwhelmed. It was a natural reaction.”
“I…guess so.”
“I know so.”
“I…I don’t know what to do.”
“About what?” Alex gulped. She looked up into his eyes and he was nearly bowled over by the vulnerability he saw. “Listen to me. Whatever you decide, I’ll be right there with you. Either way. I just want you to be ok,” he assured her.
“That’s just it…”
“What?”
“I’ll never be ok…unless…unless we do this.” The silence hung heavy in the air between them. He couldn’t argue with that.
“Is that really what you want?”
“I want it to be you.” Whoa. Alex blinked once, twice, then his brain reconnected with him mouth long enough to be able to respond.
“I want it to be you too.” He kissed her tenderly, and was overjoyed when she tentatively returned the gesture.
“Are you sure?”
“Shouldn’t I be asking you that question?”
“I…I’m sure that I want it to be you. And I’m sure that I want these horrible nightmares to stop. I love you. You love me…right?” She looked up at him, as if scared of his answer.
“I love you Isabel, never doubt that.”
I’m…I’m just scared. I mean, what if I like, freak out in the middle of it? What if…what if I start to like…hallucinate and think you’re him? Oh god, you’re not him. Never him. I don’t think that.”
“Isabel…” he cut her off. She looked up at him, shame and guilt evident on her face. “I know you know that. You know I would never hurt you. I would never do anything you don’t want me to do. I love you. But…if you did start to get scared, it wouldn’t be your fault sweetheart. You’ve been hurt…badly. And it’s only natural for you to want to not put yourself in that situation again. You might consciously know that I would never hurt you, but the subconscious is a very powerful thing. So…it’s ok, if you get scared.” She nodded, resting her forehead against his chest and he stroked her back soothingly. He took a deep breath to steady himself and give himself time to think. “Do you trust me?” His fingers caught her chin and lifted her face to meet his, forcing her to look into his eyes.
“You know I do.” Her eyes were glassy with unshed tears.
“Then believe me when I tell you that I’m not going anywhere. And I’m not going to do anything you don’t want me to do. If we do this and you get scared, you tell me and we stop. But I’m not going to leave you alone. I will be right there holding you until you’re ok… if you want me to.”
“Oh Alex.” God…where had all that come from? He knew he meant every word of it, but he had no idea he worked so well under pressure. Inwardly, he was amazed, shocked, shaking. And more determined than ever that he would help her through this…if she let him.
TBC
