Author: AnneB/Cookie2697
E-mail: dreambehr@yahoo.com
Rating: YTEEN
Summary: Post-EOTW Future fic. Assume that the rest of the series didn’t play out as it did. Instead Future Max was right that Tess needed to be there to win the war. Tess was never evil and Alex is alive. Fic is immediately after EOTW and then fast forwarded 10 years into an unknown future.
Disclaimer: They’re not mine. The characters of Roswell belong to just about everyone other than me including Fox, Regency, Melinda Metz, Jason Katims, and everyone else who I can preciously thank for bringing this show into my life. “White Flag” is by Dido. I have no rights over that either.
All That Was Then
Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
He showed up halfway into the party. What he’s doing here, I don’t know, but I felt it the moment he walked into the room. I wonder if he could feel me too? Maybe that’s why he’s here. I don’t know. Maybe he was nearby walking and he felt me so he came.
I know my supposition is unlikely, and it’s only further proven when my eyes finally fall on him and he’s decked out in a fashionable black tuxedo. He looks absolutely amazing. It’s been nine years since I’ve laid my eyes on him like this and I’ve forgotten how instantly it effects me. My heart stops at the sight of him, and I suddenly find myself short of breath. It’s been a long time. Too long. And he still effects me exactly as he did the first time we kissed.
“What’s wrong, Liz?”
I shake my head at myself, disgusted by my own rudeness, and return my attention to the man whose arms are currently around me. I’m at a party, after all, dancing with the man I came with. We may not be involved, but it’s still terrible of me to ignore him like that. I smile at Adam, meeting his eyes, and then find myself wondering if Max’s eyes have found me yet too. What a way to return to his world: in the arms of another man. Again.
“I’m sorry,” I can distantly hear myself responding to him, but my attention is almost completely focused on forcing myself not to look at Max. “I just saw an old acquaintance walk in.”
“Do you want to go say hello?” Adam’s question caught me off guard. I don’t know why. He’s a wonderful friend to me, never anything more. Just because we came together tonight doesn’t mean he has sole claim over me.
“Are you sure?”
“Well, of course, I’m going to have to demand that you make it up to me later.” He leers at me a bit, and I sigh, frustrated even by his whimsical advances. It’s no secret to either of us that Adam’s in love with me. I’ve been refusing to date him for over a year now. He’s a wonderful friend, but I couldn’t even consider anything more than that. We joke around about it on occasion, and I suppose this is one of those moments for him, except that I’m just not in the mood for it. Not with Max watching me from across the room.
“Make it up to you how?” I ask, disguising my irritation with a playful smile.
“Well, I don’t know. You can decide. Either you can come home with me after the party, or you can come back and dance with me again. What do you think.”
I chuckle slightly. “I’ll find you again in a bit, okay?”
“Okay,” he agrees.
“But I’m going home alone,” I clarify with a stern look in his eyes. He salutes me playfully before releasing me from his arms and heading for the bar. I watch him go with a sigh, and then turn my attention to the man standing nonchalantly near the wall a few feet away. My heart starts to flutter as I walk towards him with what I hope is a friendly smile on my face. Knowing my luck though my adoration of him is probably flashing like neon lights instead.
Again I find myself wondering what he’s doing at the party. It’s an employee appreciation night for the Berkeley research lab that I’ve been employed at for the past three years. Nearly everyone in the room is either a lab employee, a date, or a guest of some sort. Max isn’t an employee. I’ve never seen his name around the lab on any of the employee e-mails or rosters. Does that mean he’s a date? I haven’t seen him with a woman yet. The possibility sends the butterflies in my stomach into overdrive, but I try to blow it off. It’s not like I have any say in who he dates anyway. Maybe he’s alone? I curse myself for the flutter that thought brings me. Why do I persist in allowing myself these moments of childish hope?
His own eyes are scanning my body as I approach. It’s nerve wracking. I can feel him studying every inch of me and it’s throwing me off balance. I can’t help wondering if he likes what he sees – the last thought I should be thinking right now. Perhaps he is still disgusted by the sight of me, still clinging to my betrayal after all of these years. As much as I hated that feeling of loathing, that would still be to my benefit. Once his eyes would glow at the sight of me, and I couldn’t help shivering because I the worship was so apparent in his eyes. Now I can’t read him in the slightest. I have no idea what he’s feeling or thinking at the sight of me. Maybe I’m just a distant memory to him. Or maybe he has no idea who I am.
I’m an instant away from losing my nerve when a broad smile breaks across his face.
“Liz,” he greets me, pulling me into a friendly hug. “It’s been too long. How are you?”
“Good. I’m good.” God, even my reply is lame. I just still can’t get over the fact that he’s here. In this room. At this party. Standing across from me. I never thought I would see him again. I hated the possibility of it, but I knew that things couldn’t be any other way. But he had to walk into the party and force us to meet again. I’d almost think that it was fate, if that were even the remotest possibility. But fate has no hand in our relationship. Destiny has never been a part of Max and I.
“So what in the world are you doing here? You don’t work in the lab!” I decided to start with the safe questions. ‘Have you fought any evil world-destroying aliens lately and saved us all’ doesn’t quite seem to fit with the situation at hand. “Are you here with someone?” I make a show of searching around to see if anyone is heading towards us.
“No!” Max’s denial is quick, and I can’t help snapping my eyes back at his in surprise. A soft embarrassed laugh bursts from him. “No, I’m not here with a date or anything. I’m uh, a special guest.”
“What kind of a special guest?” I’m honestly curious. Most of the special guests here tonight are renowned scientists, or professors from the local University of California. Names have been whispered behind closed doors around the lab, and Max Evans wasn’t a single one of the names I heard. I would know too. It’s a slight obsession with me after all. Every time I hear the name Matt, or meet a guy named Evan, there’s only one place my mind goes.
“Max Evans, renowned Astronomy expert.” There’s a twinkle in his eye, and I realize that he’s joking and force a laugh out.
“Really?”
“Actually, Max Evans, Astronomy professor. I teach at the U.C. Not too many people know who I am yet since I’m a first year, so my superior asked me to come here to make connections, whatever that means. I don’t know why a simple teacher needs connections, but in this education system it seems like everyone needs to know somebody.”
“So you’re local now?” This piece of information completely throws me off balance. Max Evans, the love of my life for two years and the object of my secret lust for ten, is living in the same town as me for the first time since we were in high school. I honestly don’t know if I can handle it. He’ll want to see me – at least as friends. If I had to see Max on a regular basis, I just know that eventually my strength would weaken. Within a week, a month, possibly even a year if I’m lucky, he’d know the truth about why I broke his heart all of those years ago, and it would all be over.
“Yeah, I’m a local. I moved here from Las Cruces three months ago.”
Panic flies through me and for an instant I seriously consider running. Make an excuse, leave the party. I could pack a bag within an hour and be on a place in two. If I got out of Berkley I could move to the East Coast, to Canada, to some remote corner of Montana. I don’t care! Anywhere as long as Max Evans isn’t in a one hundred mile radius.
Except that even that isn’t an option yet. I can’t let him suspect anything. He can’t know that I still care, that I still think about him every day of my life. I have to keep up the façade that I’ve been presenting since I was sixteen. This is what I’ve been doing for ten years now. I’m the strong one. I’m the one who can’t let myself surrender to him. I’m the one who knows what will happen to the world if we ever get back together. And most of all, I’m the one who broke his heart.
I take a deep breath and try to build my inner strength. This conversation could mean the difference between life and death. I have to keep my cover as believable as it was the last time I laid my eyes on him.
“Oh yeah? So how do you like the California life? It must be quite a transition after living in small town New Mexico all of your life?”
“It has been a change. As you know I’m pretty used to being invisible, but with all my students walking around town recognizing me I’ve had to adjust to being known for once. It’s just strange for me.”
The small chit-chat continues for a little while. Max tells me a bit about his apartment and the classes that he’s teaching. I recommend some local restaurants to him. Still, all the while my mind is screaming about the fact that we’re not talking about anything important. Of course, we can’t talk about anything important bluntly, so I guess it makes sense. Still, I’m itching to bring the conversation to somewhere that matters.
“How’s Tess?”
I blurt out the question so suddenly that it takes Max by surprise. Hell, it takes me by surprise too. I can’t believe that I’m acting so carelessly. I’m out of practice, and it’s not good. I almost want to hide at the way his eyes widen with confusion, and then narrow at me suspiciously.
“She’s fine I guess.” At this point I figure I’ve already blown my cover, so I go ahead and peruse the question further.
“You guess? You don’t know?”
“The last time I talked to her she was fine, but we haven’t talked in a few weeks. She’s living in New York with Isabel, so it’s not like we can see each other every day.”
“But you would if you could. See her I mean. If she were nearby?”
Max is still looking at me suspiciously. “I guess we would see each other. Friends do that on occasion.”
We fall silent for a moment as I try to digest his statement. Max and Tess aren’t together? Have they ever been a couple? I know their relationship hadn’t gone anywhere the last time I saw them, but that was a long time ago. During our high school graduation Max and Tess were on much better terms than he and I were on. Which was how it was supposed to be, of course. The fact that she’s still around is what counts though, and Max is still in touch with her, so it’s not like the end of the world is coming yet or anything. If the Skins attack then they’d still be a team.
“Liz, is there something you want to ask me?”
Suddenly I’m embarrassed by my forwardness. “No.” I know my response sounds sheepish and guilty, but I’ve caught myself here. Now Max is going to want to know why I’m so curious about Tess, and I can’t tell him. When I refuse to tell him, he’s going to assume that it’s because I’m still interested in him. Damn, now I’ve really worked my way into a hole. Again, I begin to ponder running away.
“No?” Max’s lips curve up into an amused smile. “I don’t think so. Why don’t you just ask me what you want to know, Liz? I’ll be honest with you.”
Ugh. He really has trapped me into a corner now, so I do the only thing I can do. I give in and ask the question that I’m sure he knows is on my mind.
“Are you and Tess together now?”
I almost want to smack him, because he just stands there for a long moment with that irritatingly cute half-smile on his face, smirking at me. He knows he’s on top now. He’s got control. Now the question is, what’s he going to do with it?
“Tess and I have never been together, Liz. We’re friends. Nothing more. We’ve never been anything more in this life. In fact, she and Kyle are engaged. Which you would know if you kept in closer contact with your old friends.”
He got me there. I can’t deny it. Ever since that October day in high school when a visitor from the future came to me for help, I’ve been distant from my friends. When I left for Harvard it was all too easy to fall out of touch from them. It was the cowardly thing to do, but I couldn’t face the alien chaos knowing that I could never be fully involved.
I know that it’s coming. Max is going to confront me now. He’s going to ask me why I’m so interested. He’s going to demand to know if I still want him after all this time, and why I didn’t admit to it ten years ago. He’s going to want to know why Tess is still such a sensitive subject to me after all of these years. And I’m not going to be able to answer him and he will be infuriated with me. Again. We’ve been down this road before. I can still see his seventeen year old self staring me down with those accusing eyes, never knowing that I did it all for him. I’d do almost anything for him. Except for this.
“Lizzzzzzzzie!”
When Adam’s drunken voice interrupts us I don’t know if I want to kiss him or kill him. First off, I do not need Adam and Max to meet. Secondly, I hate it when he calls me Lizzie. It’s all a jest with him, but it drives me nuts. However, his interruption is incredibly timely. Max can’t confront me in front of a complete stranger. I’ve been saved – at least for the time being.
“Lizzie, is this your friend?” I give Max an exasperated smile, and then turn to humor my friend.
“Yeah, Adam. This is my friend. And you obviously had a good time at the bar.”
“Well, you know. I’ve got to do something to ease the pain every once in a while.”
“What pain?” Max asks curiously.
“The pain of love, my man. The pain of love.” I want to run and hide. Max looks completely amused, and Adam’s completely out of it. He won’t even remember this in the morning I’m sure, but the story will follow him around for a month. I’ll be sure of that.
“Love?” Max asked.
“Yes, love. I am madly in love with little Lizzie over here, but my poor heart breaks because she won’t give me the time of day.” He’s being painfully over dramatic, as drunk men tend to do, but I still want to sink into the floor and disappear.
“I give you plenty of time every day, Adam,” I remind him. “As a friend only, remember. That’s why we’re here together tonight. To hang out.”
“But it’s not the same! Nothing’s enough to satisfy the pangs of love. It eats you alive. You know what I mean, don’t you man?”
I can feel the burn from Max’s eyes on me as he adds his agreement, even though I don’t look him in the eye. “Yeah, I know exactly what that’s like.” His voice is dead serious and I swallow nervously. Max isn’t going to forget the exchange we just shared anytime soon. He’s making that point painfully clear.
“So how do you and Liz know each other anyway?”
“Oh, we go way back,” Max tells him. “We were friends back in high school.”
“You’ve known her that long, huh? Well, then maybe you can tell me a thing or two about this mystery guy that she’s still hung up over. Hell, maybe you know the guy and can convince him to let Liz go so that the rest of us can have a chance.”
And just like that it’s over. The secret is out, the mystery revealed. I know I’ve probably gone pale, considering that I feel like I could pass out right now. It’s like the world has gone black. How could one drunken ramble change everything? Is it that simple to destroy a decade of carefully laid lies and deceit? I know the answer is yes. All it takes is one wrong person who knows the truth, but I never expected it to happen like this. Tonight.
I force myself to look up into Max’s eyes, and as expected, they are on me. A sadness has come over him, one that wasn’t there before. All the pleasure he had felt about cornering me into the truth and making me sweat has completely disappeared. For a moment I wonder if maybe this news didn’t make his heart soar. Perhaps he’s long over me, and all my nervousness is for nothing. Maybe he doesn’t want me back, not that it matters since I can’t go back to him anyway. Maybe I disgust him.
It isn’t fair, you know. How often in life do you find the perfect person for you. It can only ever happen once that you just know without any doubts. For me, Max is the only one that will ever be in my heart. I love him as much today as I did the last time I saw him before I left for Harvard, and that day I loved him as much as I did the day that he risked everything to save my life. It’s torture, not to be able to be with him. It eats me up from the inside out every day of my life.
Some days I berate myself for my strength, telling myself that I should just let go, that I should find him and throw myself into his arms begging for forgiveness. Sometimes I want to give in so badly that I practically have to lock myself into my home, forcing myself to stay so that I don’t go running to him. And I’ve always survived knowing that Max doesn’t know that I still love him. It’s okay knowing that he’s probably moved on with Tess.
Well, now that’s all shattered. He never moved on with Tess. He’s been alone, just like me. And now he knows that I still want him. Will he fight for me, beg me to try again, to date him, to love him openly? That would be like a dream come true for me. I would never be the same again. Or will he shatter my heart the way that I shattered his? He holds that power in his hand now. The question is, what will he do with that knowledge?
And he does the last thing I expect him to do. He runs.
A muttered excuse and a hasty goodbye, and I’m watching his back disappear through the crowd. All the while, I’m silently wondering to myself, is this our goodbye? Will I ever see Max Evans again?
Somewhere in the back of my mind I register that Adam is talking to me, but I can’t even comprehend what he is saying. All I know is that a moment ago Max Evans was here, and now he’s gone again. And I absolutely need to get out of here and think about what this all means.
“I’ve got to go.”
I don’t even wait for Adam’s response before heading out of the banquet hall and hurrying for my car.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
A week after the party, I’m sitting in the international terminal at San Francisco International airport waiting for my flight to begin boarding. A neutral announcer is making a final call to our gate and I know I’m soon to be on my way. All of my belongings have been shipped to my new home Chicago, and the final step to my departure is beginning.
Once I had time to clear my head, I realized that I had no choice in what I had to do. Max was nearby, he knew that I was in love with him, and he would have questions. He would sit on them for a while, and it would tear him up from the inside out. Eventually the burning need would overpower his fear and hurt and he would come to find me. He wouldn’t leave me alone until finally I would give in and the truth would come out.
The situation hadn’t changed, just because Max knew one of my secrets. I still have to be the strong one. I still have a promise to keep to a man who has long since disappeared from existence. I can’t give in, just because the one thing I want the most in the world is a possibility once again. This is the burden I live with: always loving Max from afar, and always doing what I have to do to keep him alive and this world safe.
I know he’ll always wonder why I refuse to remain involved with him, but that is an answer I’ll never be able to give him – not until the day I die. So this time I’m disappearing for real, with no path that can be traced. I’m retreating to London for a short trip to clear my head, and when I return it’ll be to a new life, with a new job, in a new city. Max will not be able to find me for a long time. And if he respects my wishes, he may never find me.
After all, I’ve never been one to leave without saying goodbye.
Dear Max,
I know what you heard at the party probably came as a shock to you. I suppose I could deny it and pretend that Adam was lying, but I can’t do that without lying to you. I am still in love with you Max, I’ve never stopped. I never will be able to stop. Loving you will always be a part of me, and no man I ever meet will be able to change that.
I know I hurt you, and I know you’ve always wondered why, particularly now that you know the truth about my feelings. I’m sorry Max, but I can’t tell you why. Just know that I had my reasons, and that it tears me apart every day not to be able to be with you. I know it’s no excuse for the amount of trouble I’ve caused you in the past, so at least I can do this one thing to help your future.
We can’t live in the same city, Max. It would never work. It would tear you up every time you see me, and I assure you, it would probably be worse for me. Eventually the truth would come out and I cannot allow that. So, I leave Berkeley to you. By the time you get this letter, I’ll already be long gone. Don’t try to find me, Max. Please believe me when I say that I know it’s better this way.
Good luck with everything, Max. I love you.
Liz
The End
White Flag by Dido
I know you think that I shouldn't still love you
I'll tell you that
But if I didn't say it
Well, I'd still have felt it
Where's the sense in that?
I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were
I know I left too much mess
And destruction to come back again
And I caused but nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of 'It's over'
Then I'm sure that that makes sense
And when we meet
As I'm sure we will
All that was then
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on
Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be