Yellow (M/L ADULT): NEW CHAPTER! Ch. 21 3/24/21

Fics using the characters from Roswell, but where the plot does not have anything to do with aliens, nor are any of the characters "not of this Earth."

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ChemChic
Enthusiastic Roswellian
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Re: Yellow (M/L ADULT): Ch. 19 9/17/20

Post by ChemChic »

Well, here it is! It's by far the longest chapter, but I promised we'd meet Gabriel so here we are!

I've worked very hard to achieve authenticity in this story - from researching dates and locations and area-specific things as well as bringing as much cannon into an A/U story as possible. This chapter is no exception. I have never had my own children, so I did quite a bit of research and "interviewed" a few friends who have, so I hope that I've done the process justice!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I’d made a mental note of the time of that first contraction and I only had one other while I was in the shower, lasting a bit less than thirty seconds.

I luxuriated in the hot water, taking the time to wash and condition my hair and shave as much of myself as my belly would allow. I ran my soapy hands lovingly over my bump, a mixture of emotions swirling through my head as I contemplated what the next day or so would bring. I was certainly ready to no longer be pregnant and desperately eager to meet my son, but there was a part of me that realized how much I was going to miss having him inside of my body and so close to my heart. I felt like I could protect him so completely, nestled beneath my ribcage. There, the world couldn’t touch him and I could keep him safe.

“There are so many people that are so eager to meet you, Bug,” I murmured, staring down at my swell. “But no one in this world wants to meet you more than me and your Daddy.”

I took the time to blow dry my hair, lotion my skin, and even put on a touch of makeup. It would be a long while before self-care would come first again.

Another contraction set in as I stepped out of the bathroom and I leaned against the door jamb and breathed slowly until it passed.

“15 minutes apart,” I said to Max who was perched on the edge of the bed, watching me intently. He’d procured a notebook while I was in the shower and I watched him jot down the time.

“How long are they lasting?” He asked.

“About 30 seconds,” I replied, rummaging through the dresser for an old pair of sweats and a t-shirt.

Once I was dressed, I sat down beside Max on the bed and took his hand in mine.

“How are you feeling?” He asked quietly.

“Honestly? Terrified. And desperately glad I don’t have to do this alone,” I said, resting my head on his shoulder.

He pressed his lips to my hair.

“But I’m so excited to meet him, Max,” I added, stroking my bump. “By this time next week, we’re going to be seasoned pros at this parenting thing!” I joked and he chuckled in response.

“Or at least not completely floundering!” He quipped and I nodded in agreement. “So what do you want to do now?”

“Well, we’re not supposed to even call the hospital until the contractions are 5 minutes apart and lasting more than 45 seconds, so we’ve got awhile yet to go. Why don’t we go watch a movie or something?” I suggested, trying to think of things that would keep my mind occupied.

“You’re the boss!”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

We decided on Ferris Bueller’s Day Off - easily one of our favorite movies of all time - figuring it would be a good distraction. My contractions stayed consistently 15 minutes apart, but by the time the movie was over there was a definite change in intensity. What began in my back and moved into a dull ache low in my belly was now deep and persistent in my pelvis as well.

Sitting still was getting desperately uncomfortable, so I asked Max to take a walk with me around the block. We were a little more than a week from Halloween and a number of the houses on Murray Lane were decorated for the occasion.

“I can’t wait until next year when we can take Gabe trick-or-treating,” Max said as we passed by a house that was particularly festive.

“We should come up with a family costume!” I suggested excitedly. “We could do something Disney themed, like Aladdin, Jasmine, and Abu!”

“Or we could do something punny like ‘Ice, Ice, Baby’!” Max replied and my eyes lit up.

“Oh my god, that would be hysterical!” I laughed, imagining Max and I dressed up like convenient store bags of ice. “But only if we can dress Gabe up like Vanilla Ice himself!”

“Do you think I’d have it any other way?” Max said, waggling his eyebrows.

“Oh man, now I really can’t wait until next…” I was cut off mid sentence by a particularly strong contraction. I turned and braced myself against Max, doing my best to take slow, deep breaths but all I wanted to do was freeze against the pain.

“You’ve got this, Lillabet,” Max murmured into my ear, his hands on my hips as he slowly rocked us back and forth, his fingers massaging my iliac crest.

I sighed as the pain finally subsided, sinking into him for a moment, drained.

“Gone?” He asked, brushing my hair from my face.

I nodded. “Yeah. That was a bad one,” I replied, still catching my breath.

“You’re doing incredible, Liz,” he said quietly before kissing my lips.

“That was less than 15 minutes,” I said as we began to walk again.

Max glanced down at his watch. “Eleven. And it lasted for 40 seconds.”

“We’re getting somewhere!” I said, trying to look on the bright side. “But I think I’m ready to head home.”

“Of course,” Max agreed and we made our way back towards the house.

“Everyone’s here,” I commented as we approached the driveway. The Jeep was blocked in by Maria’s Jetta and Phillip’s new SUV was parked next to the Durango. Apparently he and Diane decided to head back early from Clovis.

“What do you want to tell them?” He asked, pausing on the sidewalk.

“I need this to be just you and me, Max,” I said. “I need this to just be about us. The three of us. Maybe that’s selfish, but it’s the only way I think I can handle this right now.”

“It’s not selfish, Liz. This is about you and what you need and no one else. Why don’t we go inside and you can head straight for our room and I’ll hang back and talk to everyone. They love you, they will understand. I promise,” Max said soothingly.

I nodded. “Okay. Thank you, Max.”

“Anything for you, Lillabet.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

As luck would have it, the kitchen was mercifully empty when we walked in. I made my way towards our bedroom while Max went to find everyone.

I closed the door quietly behind myself and stared at the bed for a minute, contemplating whether or not I wanted to lie down. I was hoping to get at least a few hours of sleep later in the evening, so I decided that it was still too early. I knew some laboring women found relief in hot water, so even though I’d taken a shower several hours before, I figured it wouldn’t hurt to run a bath.

As I let the tub fill, I unpacked a few of the candles I’d brought back from my balcony and set them out around the bathroom. I leaned against the counter, swaying my hips as I waited for another contraction to pass, a low moan escaping my lips as it peaked.

“Liz?” Max called from the bedroom.

“In here,” I replied, letting out a long breath.

“You okay?” He asked, his hands immediately going to my lower back to massage my sacrum.

I moaned again, this time out of pleasure. “Better now. I thought I’d sit in the tub for a bit. Is everyone freaking out? Are they mad that I wanted to be left alone?”

“Mad? Absolutely not. Freaking out? Maybe a little,” Max teased and I smiled. “Everyone is going to stay here tonight and they’ll follow us to the hospital when you’re ready, but they totally understood you wanting it to be just us right now. I don’t know how much sleep anyone is going to get though, they’re all pretty excited!”

I nodded gratefully. I was incredibly appreciative of their support and it meant the world to me that they all wanted to stay nearby, but I was even more thankful that they understood how much I needed Max and only Max through this process.

“Can I do anything to help?”

I began to shake my head, but an idea came to me instead. “Actually, would you mind brining in the CD player? I think some music would be nice.”

“Absolutely. Anything in particular?”

“Sigur Rós,” I said definitively. I couldn’t think of anything that would be more soothing.

“Do you want help getting in the tub first?” Max offered.

“Probably!” I laughed sheepishly. As pregnant as I was, Grace was certainly not my middle name!

I stepped in and held onto his hands as I slowly lowered myself into the water, the heat immediately relaxing my muscles.

“Better?” Max asked as I settled in.

“You have no idea,” I sighed, leaning my head back against the wall.

He leaned down and kissed my forehead. “Give me two minutes.”

He returned with his portable CD player, an armful of towels, my robe, and a large bottle of water.

I raised an amused eyebrow at him.

“You need to stay hydrated!” He said, handing me the water bottle. “And I didn’t want you to be cold when you got out,” he shrugged.

“Have I told you lately how much I love you?” I asked.

He grinned at me over his shoulder as he finished setting up the CD player and moments later Svefn-G-Englar came floating quietly out of the speakers. He stacked the towels and robe on the lid of the toilet and came to sit down next to me.

“Still eleven minutes apart?” He asked.

“Yeah, though the last one was longer. Maybe 50 seconds,” I said, trying to focus on releasing the tension from every cell in my body.

I imagined my body softening and opening, every muscle, tendon, and ligament relaxed and pliable. It was an exercise I’d learned in our birthing class and I was surprised by just how helpful I found it.

As I felt another contraction building, I reached out for Max’s hand and he slid his fingers between mine without saying a word. I focused on the sound of his breath, matching mine to his as it kept me from holding it. The contraction felt different in the water; no less intense, but definitely less painful.

I stayed submerged in the tub for several hours, Max periodically adding hot water as the temperature dropped. I needed a distraction between contractions, so I asked Max to talk to me. I didn’t particularly care if he started reading the ingredients off the back of a shampoo bottle, I just wanted something to occupy my mind.

“How about I tell something I’ve never told you before instead?” He offered when I said as much.

I turned to look at him, mildly surprised. Our lives were so intertwined that I had trouble fathoming that there were any secrets left between us. I nodded with eager curiosity.

“It was last year right around this time, I remember because the Crash Down was decorated for Halloween. You were working and I was hanging out with Alex in our regular booth suffering through a problem set for AP physics, both of us wishing you would go on break so you could help us.”

I laughed. “You know, for a computer genius and a guy who can do discrete math in his sleep, the two of you had a bear of a time with that class!”

“I can’t speak for Alex, but I like math for math’s sake. Applied math? Not so much!” Max replied, shaking his head. “But anyways, I was spending a whole lot more time watching you than I was paying attention to my homework. You were serving a particularly frazzled looking woman with a very fussy baby who looked to be 8 or 9 months old. You’d gone over to see if she needed anything and just as you approached, the baby reached out and knocked over her soda, absolutely soaking her. I was positive the poor woman was going to burst into tears, but you jumped right in, helping her mop up the mess and insisting that she go to the bathroom to clean up while you watched the baby.

“She must’ve asked you to hold him because you scooped him out of the high chair and propped him up on your hip, making funny faces and chatting away to him while you waited for his mother to return. And as his mother walked into the bathroom, your mother came out from the break room and stopped at our table to say hello. She noticed you with the baby and me watching you.

“And your mom said, ‘for someone who grew up as an only child, she sure does have a natural maternal instinct. I think if you two decide to have children someday, she is going to be the most incredible mother.’ She patted me on the shoulder and then continued about whatever it was she was going to do. And I remember thinking the exact same thing. You looked so comfortable and happy holding that baby and I couldn’t help but imagine what it would be like to see you with our own child one day.

“I know your mom isn’t here today to tell you that you are going to do an amazing job and that you are going to be the most wonderful mother Gabriel could ever ask for, but she saw it in you. She always saw it in you. And so do I,” he murmured, his voice cracking with emotion.

“Oh, Max,” I whispered through quiet tears. I’d never even considered the possibility that my mother had contemplated my potential future as a parent. That she’d ever observed those qualities in me, that she saw me as someone capable of doing for my own child what she did for me was astounding.

Max gently ran his thumb under my eyes. “I didn’t tell you at the time because I thought it might embarrass you; you always hated it when your parents were sappy!” He teased and I laughed softly. “But I’m really glad that it happened so that I could tell you now.”

“Me too,” I agreed. I needed to hear that more than I even realized in that moment and it was something from which I drew strength many times in the years to come.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

By the time I wanted to get out of the tub, my contractions were hovering around eight minutes apart and still lasting 45 to 50 seconds.

I spent the next few hours doing my best to keep my mind occupied. I read between contractions and when I couldn’t focus on the text any longer, Max read to me. I tried all sorts of positions, trying to find anything that would bring a modicum of relief, but it was always fleeting. Max even managed to talk me into eating some soup and crackers. I wasn’t particularly hungry, but I felt significantly better after I ate something.

I knew that it was called labor for a reason, but I was still surprised by how exhausted I was. While I was hoping to be able to get some rest, I didn’t really think that it would be a possibility with my contractions coming with relative frequency. But by 10:00 pm, all I wanted to do was sleep.

“The next time we go to sleep in this bed, Gabriel will be in that bassinet,” I said gesturing towards the beautiful, deep blue Moses basket standing like a sentinel in the corner, waiting for its charge to arrive.
“It’s so crazy,” Max said, tucking a pillow under my hips as I situated another between my knees. “Comfortable?” He asked.

“As comfortable as I’m going to get, I think,” I sighed.

“Will you be okay for a few minutes if I just let everyone know how you’re doing and that we’re going to bed?”

“Absolutely,” I replied, yawning.

Max kissed my cheek. “Get some rest, Lillabet.”

I was drifting off before he even closed the door.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

It was shortly after 4 am when I woke up to pain infinitely more focused and persistent than anything I’d previously experience. I’d managed to rest for most of the night, but not truly sleep, though I must have passed out at some point. I was covered in a cold sweat and could see my belly shrinking and tightening with the contraction, my body trembling with the exertion.

I tried to breathe as quietly as possible, wanting to wait and see if this was an anomaly or worth waking Max over, but the second I shifted to sit up, he was awake.

“Liz?” He asked, concerned. He sat up beside me, rubbing my back in slow, soothing circles.

I moaned in response, the sound low and primal and entirely out of my control.

“You’re doing great, Lillabet,” Max murmured in my ear. “You are so incredibly strong. I love you so, so much.”

I slumped against him with a quiet sob as the contraction finally abated, not entirely willing to admit that this was the real deal. Max wrapped his arms around me and kissed my hair.

“I don’t know if I can do this, Max,” I whimpered, feeling suddenly and completely overwhelmed. I was 17 years old for christ’s sake! How was I supposed to not only give birth to an entirely new human being, but then be a parent - a good parent? What possessed me to think I could do this?

“Liz Parker, you are the strongest, most resilient person I’ve ever known. I cannot begin to fathom how difficult and scary this is for you, but I need you to hear me when I say that you are beyond capable. You’ve trusted your body to carry and nourish and nurture our son for the last nine months, you need to trust that it can do the work to bring him into the world. I do. I trust in it implicitly. And more than that, I believe in you. And I’m not going to let you do this alone; not labor, not birth, and not parenting. I’m with you every step of the way, Liz.” His words held such deep conviction that I couldn’t find room for argument. Intellectually, I knew that all of this was true, but I was admittedly having trouble connecting with my rational mind.

“I love you, Max,” I whispered into the hollow of his neck.

He held me through another freight train of a contraction just a few moments later. “That’s less than 5 minutes, Lillabet,” he said gently.

I nodded and sighed. “I think we should probably call the hospital.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Max offered to phone labor and delivery while I got myself together. There was a significant amount of pressure in my pelvis when I stood, almost as though I needed to go to the bathroom, so I figured I’d do so before we got in the car. I could hear Max relaying information to someone on the other end of the line, and he’d just begun to answer that my waters had yet to break when I felt a ‘pop’ and an unexpected rush of fluid along with another contraction.

“Uh, Max? Tell them that my water just broke,” I called shakily.

Max’s head appeared around the corner of the door. “It did?” His wide eyes met mine and we stared at each other for a moment. It was as though up until that point there was a possibility that this entire process could somehow just stop and Gabriel’s birth would no longer be eminent. But as soon as my membranes ruptured, I knew there was no going back.

“Actually, her waters just broke,” he said into the phone, about a thousand times more composed than I felt. “Okay, we should be there in 15 minutes,” he added after a beat and then hung up.

I cleaned myself up the best that I could and Max grabbed a few towels for the car.

“I need to let my parents know that we’re going,” he said, slinging my hospital bag over his shoulder.

I paused at the door and looked up at him. “We’re really doing this?”

“We really are,” he replied, kissing me gently. “Let’s go meet our son!”

Max stopped at Phillip and Diane’s door, knocking quietly.

“Mom? Dad?” He called, cracking it open a few inches. I could hear rustling and murmured voices and then the door flung open wide.

“Is it time?” Diane asked excitedly, tying her bathrobe. “Liz, sweetheart, how are you feeling?”

“Should we start getting dressed?” Phil asked. I could see him already rummaging through his wardrobe.

“We’re going to head in,” I said calmly. “I’m doing okay, but my contractions are less than 5 minutes apart and my water just broke, so we’re pretty sure this is it.”

Diane’s eyes lit up and she clapped her hands excitedly. “Okay! We’ll get dressed and meet you guys there!”

“Mom, don’t rush. It’s going to be awhile yet. We still have to get checked in, Liz needs to be triaged, assigned a room, and I’m sure there will be about a million pages of paperwork. Why don’t you guys try to get a little more sleep and then come in at a reasonable hour?” Max suggested.

“Son, we couldn’t go back to sleep if you paid us!” Phillip said, beaming. “You two go, we’ll let the other kids know and we’ll be right behind you.”

“Oh, Liz!” Diane said, enveloping me in a hug. “I am so excited for you and so, so proud. I cannot wait to meet him!”

“Me too,” I said, hugging her back. As soon as she released me, she wrapped her arms around Max and kissed his cheek. “And I’m so proud of you as well, Max.”

“Thanks, Mom,” he mumbled and I could see his cheeks reddening.

“Okay, honey, let them go before our grandson is born here in this house!” Phillip teased her. “We love you both, we’ll see you in a little while,” he added, resting his hands on his wife’s shoulders.

“We love you too, Dad,” Max replied and then turned to me. “Ready?”

“As I’ll ever be!”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

There was a kindly, older nurse and an attractive red-headed woman in a short white coat waiting for us when we arrived.

The nurse showed us into a small triage room equipped with a gurney and a fetal heart rate monitor. She handed me a hospital gown and some no-slip socks and asked me to get changed and let them know when I was ready.

I stripped out of my sweats and Max helped me to tie the Johnny before kneeling down to swap my Adidas slides for the hospital-issued footwear.

A soft knock sounded before the door opened to reveal the young woman followed by the nurse.

“Hi Elizabeth, I’m Seurena Becker,” she introduced herself with a bright smile. “I’m the medical student assigned to your case. Luckily, Dr. Greenberg is the OB on call, so she should be here shortly, but she’s asked me to examine you and get you settled into your room for her. And this is Nurse Susan, she’s going to be your nurse until change of shift at 7.”

“It’s nice to meet you both,” I said, grimacing as Max helped me up onto the gurney. “I go by Liz. And this is Max.”

“Well, it’s very nice to meet you guys. Sounds like we’re going to be having a baby today!” She said as she donned a pair of gloves. “Susan is going to hook you up to the fetal heart monitor as well as a second device that monitors your contractions so we can get an idea of how your little one is handling labor and how your contractions are progressing. And if it’s okay with you, I’m going to do a brief pelvic exam to check your dilation and your baby’s position.”

I nodded in agreement and Susan draped a sheet over my legs before lifting my gown to expose my belly.

“Just a bit of gel,” she said, squirting the warmed liquid on my bump. She placed a flat disc over the gel and moved the probe around for a few seconds before the sound of Gabriel’s heartbeat came through loud and clear. She then placed a second disc above it.

“I’m going to slide two bands underneath you so we can strap these into place,” she explained. Max gave me his hand and helped me to sit up a bit and she got the monitors situated quickly.

As I laid back down, another contraction began to build and I held onto Max hard, moaning.

“Look at me, Lillabet,” Max whispered, pressing his forehead to mine, his free hand cradling the back of my neck. I pried my eyes open, my vision swimming from the tears that threatened to spill over, but I locked onto his gaze. “Breathe, baby. Breathe. That’s it. You’ve got this, Liz. You’re doing an amazing job.”

I focused on the sound of his voice and my breath in my lungs until the pain finally subsided and I slumped back on the gurney once more. Max brushed an errant strand of hair away from my face and kissed my forehead.

“Well, you are certainly having some good contractions,” Seurena commented, watching the digital output to my right. “And it looks like you have a great birthing partner,” she added, smiling.

I squeezed Max’s hand. “I’m very, very lucky,” I agreed.

“Alright, while you’re between contractions, let me take a quick peek at you,” she said. She lifted my legs into stirrups and helped me to slide down to the edge of the bed. Her exam was brief but uncomfortable and I was glad that it was over quickly.

“Well, it looks like you’re at 7 centimeters and your baby is head down and fully engaged. Your membranes are completely ruptured and your contractions are productive, so I think we’ll be able to avoid having to use any Pitocin unless your labor stalls. I will have Susan place and IV; Dr. Greenberg does like to put her patients on supportive fluids during labor to help you stay hydrated and that way we have a line in case we need it. Is that okay with you?” She asked, depositing her used gloves in a biohazard bin.

“That’s fine, whatever you guys need to do,” I said. I’d never had an IV before, so I was nervous about the prospect, but I knew that it was for the best.

“Okay, great! And what about pain management? Did you and Dr. Greenberg discuss if you’d like to have an epidural?” She asked, making a few notes in my electronic chart.

“Yes, definitely yes,” I said quickly. If the past 14 or so hours were supposed to be easy compared to what was to come, I didn’t want any part of that unmedicated!

“Epidural it is, then! We’ll have anesthesia paged and they’ll come see you once we get you settled into a room. Now are you planning on having anyone besides Max in the room with you? Maybe your mom?” Seurena asked, glancing from the computer screen to me.

I felt a lump form in my throat and tried to swallow it down to answer. “My mom…” I began shakily, but Max stepped in.

“We just want it to be us. There are going to be a bunch of people in the waiting room, though.”

“That’s fine! Do you want any visitors after you have your epidural or do you want to wait until he’s born?”

I looked up at Max. I wasn’t sure what I wanted at that point because the only person other than him I truly wanted wasn’t going to be there.

Seurena noticed my hesitation and added, “you don’t have to make any decisions now, you just let us know what you’re comfortable with and that’s what we’ll do. We just like to know ahead of time in case eager family members try to crash the birthing suite!” She chuckled and I managed a weak smile.

“Hey, Lillabet,” Max murmured. I looked up at him and he gently ran the pad of his thumb under each of my eyes. I didn’t even realize I was crying. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” I whispered in return.

“Alright, if you two can just hang tight about five minutes, we’ll be able to get you into a room and have you well on your way to meeting your son!” Seurena said.

“Thank you, we appreciate it,” Max replied.

She paused at the door as though she wanted to add something else, but she just smiled softly after a moment and pulled the curtain closed behind her.

“She didn’t know, Lillabet,” Max said gently, wrapping his arms around my shoulders.

I nodded against his chest. “I know she didn’t; I think I’m just feeling super emotional.”

“With good reason!” He added sincerely.

He held me through another contraction and just as it was ebbing, an orderly came in to move us down the hall to our room.

I noticed a gradual shift in my focus during that time; while there was a flurry of activity that included a seemingly endless parade of medical and administrative staff trying to complete my admission, I felt like I was watching them on television and not in real time. I have a vague recollection of answering a barrage of questions, of being transferred into a bed vastly more comfortable than the gurney from triage, of a collection of contractions - each gradually more intense than the one before.

Even though I was experiencing progressively more pain, my energy turned inward; my body instinctively recognizing that I was going to need every last reserve I had for the hours to come. I whimpered and I moaned, but there was no exertion or screaming. Had I the ability to be objective during that time, I would’ve been in absolute awe of how my body knew exactly what it needed. I did not make any conscious decisions during that time; that would’ve been nearly impossible. Instead, I surrendered to a biological imperative that was infinitely stronger than my own will. I trusted that my body - no matter how young or immature - knew exactly what to do and I did my very best to listen.

“Will you hold me?” I asked Max once we were alone again. We were still waiting on Dr. Greenberg and the anesthesiologist and Susan had stepped out to check on another patient.

“Always,” he replied.

I did my best to shift over in the small bed to make room for him and he situated himself next to me, careful to avoid my IV line and monitors. I curled into him, breathing in his familiar, comforting scent and I felt myself relax automatically. His touch has always been the single most comforting thing in the world to me; it still is. There is no place on earth I’ve ever felt safer or more grounded than in his arms.

I clung to him as my contractions peaked, the pressure in my pelvis growing more persistent and the pain lasting longer each time. I was lying on my left side, my bent knee resting on Max’s hip and my head tucked under his chin. After an indiscernible amount of time, I gradually found that if I deviated from that position even by a few inches, I was overwhelmed by nausea. So I stayed very, very still. Though I knew it was common during labor, the last thing I wanted to do was start vomiting while having a contraction!

I vaguely registered the door opening and I felt Max shift ever so slightly so he could address whomever it was that walked into the room.

“She’s okay,” I heard him murmur in response to an unintelligible question. “If she moves at all, she feels like she’s going to throw up.”

“Liz?” I recognized the voice of Dr. Greenberg. “You don’t need to move, but I can give you something for the nausea if you’d like.”

I nodded, desperate for even the smallest reprieve.

“Okay,” she replied and I registered the rapid clacking of a keyboard for a few moments. “I just put the order in for both Zofran and Zantac, so the nurse should be in very shortly to administer them both. Once you’re feeling a bit better, I’d like to examine you. I think you’re probably in transition, so believe it or not the nausea is a very good sign. It means we’re getting close!”

“What about the epidural?” Max asked. I’d been wondering the same thing.

“Anesthesia’s been paged, but there are only two attendings on and at the moment both of them are in surgery. One of them will be here as soon as they possibly can, but I know how hard it is to wait,” she said sympathetically.

“It’s just that she’s in a lot of pain,” Max said plainly. “I hate seeing her like this; I hate that she’s suffering.”

Dr. Greenberg’s response became background noise as another contraction slammed into me and I braced myself against Max. “Pressure!” I ground out, my fingernails digging hard into his shoulder as he massaged my back. “So much pressure!” I repeated, gasping.

“Okay, Lillabet,” Max murmured soothingly. “She’s going to check you as soon as you can move, but for right now I just need you to breathe for me. In and out, as long and slow as you can.” He took a deep breath of his own and I matched my exhale with his.

“That’s it, Liz. That’s incredible. You’re incredible.”

His words of encouragement were such a small, simple thing, but they were my lifeline. I’d never felt so completely out of control in my entire life, but hearing his voice, knowing how unequivocally he believed in my ability to safely bring our son into this world made me feel like I had the power to endure - that I could actually survive this experience.

“Okay,” I whispered, blowing out a long breath as the contraction finally ebbed. “Okay. I’m okay.” I wasn’t sure if I was trying to reassure him or myself at that point.

“The nurse is here with the medicine, can you let her get to your IV?” Max asked gently, smoothing my sweat slicked hair away from my damp forehead.

I nodded and released his shoulder from my right hand, holding it out so she could access the clave.

“Hi Liz, I’m Jennifer. I’m going to be your nurse for the rest of the day,” a 30-something woman in fuchsia scrubs and spiky blonde hair introduced herself. I realized then that it must already be after 7. “I’m going to give you these two drugs and then I’m also going to hang some fluids. They’re electrolyte balanced and have a bit of sugar so they’ll hopefully get you feeling better shortly and give you a bit of energy,” she explained. “This is the Zofran, you should feel better as soon as I flush it.”

She wasn’t lying. I could taste the drug as it entered my system and as soon as she flushed the saline behind it, the nausea became almost non-existent.

“Oh my god,” I breathed, feeling my entire body relax in relief.

“Better?” Max asked, gently rubbing my bump as I rolled onto my back.

“You have no idea,” I sighed. “I’d rather suffer through another 5 hours of contractions than 5 more minutes of feeling that nauseated!”

“It’s good stuff,” Jennifer added, as she locked in the next syringe. “This should help as well. And hopefully anesthesia will be by soon to help with the pain and then you’ll be cruising!”

She finished administering the medications and setting up the IV drip, then she went about checking the monitors and making a few notes in my chart.

“Is there anything else I can get you right now?” Jennifer asked kindly, standing at the foot of the bed.

“Can she have ice chips?” Max asked and I was suddenly aware of my cracked lips and the dryness in my mouth.

“Of course,” Jennifer replied. “I’ll be right back with those and I’ll send Dr. Greenberg and Seurena in to do your exam.” I hadn’t even realized that Dr. Greenberg had stepped out.

We both thanked her and she shut the door quietly as she exited the room.

“This is so hard, Max,” I mumbled, feeling like I was about to cry. “I don’t know if I can do this.”

“Hey, look at me,” he insisted, crooking a finger under my chin and turning my face gently towards him. I pried open my eyes and met his, bright with concern. “I know I cannot begin to imagine how much pain you are in, but I also know that you are more than capable of getting through this, of giving birth to our son. You are working so incredibly hard and your body is taking amazing care of our baby. His heartbeat is so strong and he’s handling the contractions perfectly; Dr. Greenberg was absolutely thrilled. I know this is so hard, I know this is the hardest thing that you’ve ever done, but you are doing it with grace and aplomb.”

“Aplomb?” I managed to tease with a quirk of my mouth.

“It’s an SAT word I can’t seem to get out of my head,” he replied bashfully and I rolled my eyes. “Regardless, the point is that you’ve got this. And I’ve got you, Lillabet. If you stop believing in your ability to do this, I’ll believe for both of us.”

How is he even real?

“Promise?” I asked quietly, not trusting my voice.

“I promise. And you know I never make promises I can’t keep.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I rode out another contraction before Dr. Greenberg and Seurena made their way back into the room.

“Jen told me you were wanting these,” Seurena said, setting a large cup of ice chips on the tray table along with a plastic spoon.

“Thank you,” I managed, still getting my breathing back under control.

“Do you mind if I do a brief exam?” Dr. Greenberg asked, donning a pair of sterile gloves.

I shook my head and Max pressed a quick kiss to my forehead before easing off the bed so that they had room to work. He didn’t go far, however, immediately taking my hand in his as Seurena helped me into the stirrups.

I sucked in a sharp breath, wincing as I was probed, but the discomfort was almost laughable compared to what I’d been experiencing to that point.

“You’re at 9 centimeters, Liz. All that pressure you’re feeling is your baby’s head moving into the birth canal,” she explained, removing her fingers. “Your contractions should start to slow down a bit as you get closer to pushing.”

“What about the epidural?” I asked, panic fluttering in my chest. I never anticipated having to give birth unmedicated, but it was suddenly a distinct possibility.

“You can get an epidural up to the time you start pushing, it’s just a matter of how much time it has to work. Some women go from 9 to 10 very quickly, but others take quite a bit of time, so let’s not rule it out yet. I’m going to page again and see if either of the docs are able to escape the OR long enough to come get this done for you, but I can’t make any promises. It’s one of the disadvantages of being a small hospital; there are only so many physicians to go around,” she explained empathetically. “In the meantime, you might find it helpful to move around a bit. Let me go see if I can get someone from anesthesia up here.”

“Thank you,” Max said for both of us as another contraction began.

Slowing down my ass, I thought as the pain quickly took center stage again.

Once the pain finally subsided, I realized that I was no longer attached to the fetal heart monitor or the contraction monitor and I looked up in confusion, surprised to see Seurena setting the disks aside.
“You and your baby are doing really well and if you’re going to walk around a bit, it’s going to be difficult to do so hooked up to all of this machinery. At least you can take your IV pole with you,” she said, offering her hand to help me sit up.

I swung my legs over the edge of the bed and sat for a moment, leaning into Max until the room stopped spinning.

“The Zofran can make you a bit woozy, so just take it easy,” Seurena said, watching me carefully.

I nodded, gingerly rising to my feet, expecting another contraction to come crashing into me at any moment. I was, however, pleasantly surprised to find that being upright was alleviating the majority of my lower back pain.

We paced slowly around the spacious room, stopping every so often to breathe through a considerably less painful contraction. Dr. Greenberg was right; they were coming less frequently, but with each one the pressure in my pelvis seemed to increase exponentially.

“God, it feels like he’s right there,” I said to Max, rolling my hips as he held me.

“Do you feel like you want to push?” He asked, massaging my lower back.

I shook my head against his chest. “Not yet, it’s just the pressure, but I don’t think we’re far off.”

Seurena - who had stepped out of the room once she was sure that I was stable on my feet - came back in with a large, green rubber ball.

“I thought you might like to lean on this for a bit,” she said, placing it down in the center of the bed.

I glanced up at Max who gave me a small shrug and an encouraging nod. “What do I do?” I asked.

“Basically, you are going to lean over and give it a hug and rest most of your weight on your arms and upper chest. Max can stand behind you and rub your back, or come stand in front of you if you want to focus on him. Some moms don’t want to be touched at all during this stage of labor, but I think it’s safe to say that you’re not one of them!” She said, though not unkindly. She was right, the longer I labored, the more I needed physical contact for support.

“Where do you want me, Lillabet?” Max asked as I situated myself over the ball. I let out a small sigh as the change in position brought unexpected relief.

“Behind me,” I mumbled, rocking gently back and forth and then I let out a quiet mewl of pleasure as the heels of his hands pressed into my middle pelvis.

“‘Lillabet’ is a pretty nickname for Elizabeth,” Seurena commented. “Is that what your family calls you?”

“Just me,” Max answered in my stead. He could feel the tension seeping from my body and he knew that I wasn’t in any shape to reply. “‘Elizabeth’ is quite a mouthful when you’re two and a half, so I called her ‘Lillabet’ instead and somehow it stuck.”

“Wait, did you say two and a half?” Seurena asked, surprised. “How long have you guys known each other?”

“I met her for the first time in this very hospital when she was about 2 hours old. I was just shy of 5 months. Our mothers were best friends,” Max explained, still massaging my back. “I’ve loved her for longer than I can even remember.”

“Wow, that’s pretty incredible,” Seurena replied. “I’m pretty sure the longest relationship I’ve ever been in is with my student loans officer!”

I managed a quiet chuckle at her joke.

“I’m very, very lucky,” Max said, though it was definitely directed more towards me than to Seurena.

“I’m pretty sure I’m the lucky one,” I mumbled into the crook of my arm as Max worked his magic. It’s incredible the things those hands can do!

“That position seems like it’s helping, Liz,” Seurena commented after a moment. “Are you comfortable to stay like that for a bit while I check to see if there are any updates from anesthesia?”

I nodded my head in agreement, trying to focus solely on Max’s touch and my breath.

“Okay, I’ll be back in a few minutes,” she said and I heard the door close quietly behind her.

“How are you doing?” Max asked quietly, his fingers working their way up my spine to my shoulders and back down again.

“Okay. There’s a more definitive break in between contractions. And your hands feel incredible,” I added with a lilt. “Though I’m pretty sure that your incredible hands had something to do with why we’re in this present situation,” I quipped and Max laughed.

“I dunno, I seem to remember your hands doing some pretty amazing things too,” he teased back and I giggled groggily. While we both knew that the actual circumstances that brought us to that moment were a hell of a lot more sober, it was nice to have some playful banter in the middle of an otherwise serious situation.

“I can’t believe how close we are to meeting him,” Max said, bringing his arms around to encircle my bump.

I opened my mouth to reply, but I was suddenly and relentlessly bombarded by the overwhelming need to push.

“Lillabet?” He could feel the difference in the size and tightness of my stomach.

I couldn’t answer him, I couldn’t do anything except drop into a deep squat, my body bearing down entirely of its own volition. The sound that escaped my throat was deep and loud and primal, coming from somewhere inside of me that I’d never before accessed.

“Shit, Liz!” I heard Max yelp. He must’ve hit the call button because I vaguely registered a staticky voice ask if we needed assistance.

“She’s pushing! We need someone in here!” Max all but shouted into the receiver.

The contraction finally began to fade and with it went the need to bear down.

“I…don’t think…I’m getting that…epidural,” I gasped, but in that moment my brain and body were so dedicated to bringing my child into the world that my comment was no more than a simple, passing observation. Instincts are fascinating things.

Max was crouched down beside me, a hand on my lower back. “What can I do?”

“The bed…I need to get on the bed,” I insisted. “Quickly!” I added as another contraction began to build.

Just as Max was helping me up off of the floor, Seurena entered the room.

“You’re feeling pushy?” She asked, scrubbing her hands in the sink before donning a pair of surgical gloves.

“She’s not ‘feeling pushy’, she is pushing!” Max bit back as the contraction crescendoed and I once again bore down without any conscious intention.

“Okay, let’s take a look. Dr. Greenberg is on her way,” Seurena said, unfazed by Max’s outburst.

“Max he’s right there, the head is right there…It hurts so bad, Max!” I cried, my entire body trembling.

“I know, Lillabet, I know. He’s almost here, it’s almost over. I just need you to hang on for a few more minutes, everyone is coming to help. You are so strong and so capable. I am in absolute awe of you.” His voice was a refuge in a raging storm. I clung to his hand and forced myself to look at him, trying to block out the flurry of activity that suddenly surrounded us.

“I can’t do this, Max,” I whispered, tears rushing down my cheeks.

“Not only can you do this, but you already are,” he replied, staring deeply into my eyes. “And in just a little while, you’re going to be holding our son. He’s going to be right here,” he said, pressing his palm against my sternum. “And he’s going to look up at you and all of this pain and fear are going to be a distant memory. So what do you say we meet Gabriel?”

My body responded for me. The pressure became an indescribable burning and I knew that no matter what I wanted in that moment, I was going to have my baby.

“Okay, Liz, you’re doing great,” Seurena said, the end of the bed suddenly disappearing as she moved to sit between my legs. “I’m going to ask Jen and Max to hold your legs and I want you to relax your hips and let them do all of the heavy lifting. I want all of your energy to come down towards me. Can you do that?”

I nodded and then groaned which quickly devolved into a scream as I bore down against the licking flames.

“Lillabet, oh my god Lillabet, I can see his head! He’s right there, you’re doing an amazing job!” Max’s exuberance was palpable.

“Little pushes, Liz. That’s exactly right, nice and easy,” Seurena coached. “Good. Just keep breathing. Zoë, she’s crowning,” she called over her shoulder and I saw Dr. Greenberg enter the room out of the corner of my eye.

The next 20 minutes were some of the most agonizing and exhilarating of my entire life, culminating with the single most beautiful sound I have ever heard to this day: my son’s first cries.

At 3:33 pm on October 16th, 2000, Gabriel Parker Evans was born.

And our lives would never be the same again.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"It's like...chemical" ~ Liz Parker
keepsmiling7
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Re: Yellow (M/L ADULT): Ch. 19 9/17/20

Post by keepsmiling7 »

That's right, your lives will never be the same again.
Felt like I went through child birth again, you were very descriptive.
Maybe you could have added the part when Liz tells Max he can touch her again! But sweet Liz wouldn't do that???
Love the idea of family halloween costumes next year.
It appears the whole gang will be arriving soon to meet Gabriel.
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ChemChic
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Location: There's really somewhere else I'd rather be...

Re: Yellow (M/L ADULT): Ch. 20 10/4/20

Post by ChemChic »

Hello! I'm alive, I swear! I've actually taken a bit of time for myself over the past week and spent the majority of it enjoying the crazy beautiful autumn scenery that exploded in Southern Vermont seemingly overnight. I cannot remember a fall this beautiful or vibrant and it's been glorious! Lots of hiking and long drives through sleepy mountain towns. I have a much later part of the story set in this area and I've been quite inspired in regards to that section, but I realized that getting all of that written wouldn't be of any value if I didn't get the next sequential chapter finished and posted!

jlwharton1 thank you as always for your feedback! I'm so glad I got the labor/birth correct. There were so many emotions I wanted to explore and I knew that in order to do it authentically, I had to get pretty detailed. I'm just glad I didn't screw up!

Time will start to move a bit faster after this chapter! Enjoy!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Max had been one hundred percent right; the second the hospital gown was pulled away from my chest and my gorgeous, pink, squalling baby boy was laid against my skin for the very first time, the past 23 hours melted away into the background. And the rest of the world seemed to follow. All there was in that moment was this perfect, tiny person and a love that felt too big to reside in my body.

While I hadn’t even willingly admitted it to myself, there was a pearl of fear which had resided in the back of my mind that when I saw Gabriel for the first time, I wouldn’t feel that connection. That it would be like meeting a stranger. Given the trauma of the past year and my age, this had been a very real possibility along with a much higher risk of postpartum depression. But what I experienced was precisely the opposite; it was like I knew every atom of his being. It was like coming home.

“Oh my god, Lillabet! You did it, he’s here! He’s perfect! You’re perfect!” An awestruck Max managed through a torrent of tears. He kissed my forehead and then my cheek and then my lips, his hand never leaving Gabriel’s impossibly small back. “My god, do I love you,” he murmured into the crook of my neck.

The enormity of his existence, of what we had endured for him to even be on this earth, was so all-encompassing that I couldn’t even bring myself to speak. All I could do was cry and cling to the two people responsible for making me a mother - the two most important people in the entire world to me; the two people without whom I would unequivocally cease to exist.

I only registered that something had to be done about the umbilical cord and afterbirth when Max let us go just long enough to cut the cord and firm hands began to press down rhythmically on my soft belly. My rational brain acknowledged the pain, but I was still so overcome by endorphins that it all seemed like nothing more than a minor inconvenience. I couldn’t stop looking at Gabriel, touching him. Counting his ten fragile fingers and toes, my hands memorizing even the most subtle details of his heartbreakingly beautiful face. He’d quieted, nestled under the receiving blanket and against the warmth of my bare chest. His eyes slowly blinked open revealing deep gray irises that I knew would transform into the same otherworldly shade of amber as his father’s in just a few month’s time. But on that day, in that moment, it was like looking into the most spectacular stormy sky and the awareness that stared back was startling.

“You know exactly who I am,” I whispered, astonished.

The bed shifted as Max sat down, his arms enveloping us and I was absolutely sure that Gabriel’s gaze moved deliberately from me to his father. “You know exactly who your daddy is, too.” I glanced up at Max in awe. “Max, I swear to god he knows.”

Max traced his finger down the side of Gabriel’s cheek as he blinked slowly up at his father. “I think you’re right, Lillabet,” he said, his tears starting anew. “I can’t believe he’s real. I can’t believe he’s ours.”

“He’s beautiful,” Dr. Greenberg said and we both looked up from Gabe, surprised. I’d forgotten that there was anyone else in the room! “We just need to borrow him for just a few moments, but I promise we’ll give him right back.”

Every maternal instinct inside of me screamed to not let him go, but my rational mind won out and I reluctantly held him out to Jennifer. “Go with him, Max,” I pleaded quietly, unable to take my eyes off of my son.
Max kissed my forehead and quickly rose to follow the nurse.

“Liz, we’re just going to finish getting you cleaned up and transferred into a fresh bed and then we’ll be moving the three of you into your postpartum room where your family can come visit,” Dr. Greenberg explained, pulling my attention back to her.

I nodded in agreement, but her words hardly registered. They could do whatever they wanted to me, I just wanted my baby.

After what was likely only minutes but may as well have been an eternity, I got to see Max holding our son for the very first time. My tears began again as I stared in quiet awe at the man I’ve loved my entire life so enraptured by this tiny person we managed to create out of the most tragic of circumstances.

“7 pounds, 6 ounces and 20 inches long and an APGAR score of 10. He’s perfect, Lillabet. Absolutely perfect,” Max murmured, still fixated on Gabriel. I knew exactly how he felt.

He ran his index finger gently over his cheek and Gabriel turned his head towards the stimulation, his lips forming into a pucker as he sought out Max’s finger. “And hungry, too!” Max added with a surprised laugh.

“Liz, did you want to try to nurse him?” Jennifer asked, stepping up beside Max.

“Yes, absolutely,” I said, nodding eagerly. Jennifer helped me to get situated and then Max gingerly transferred Gabe into my arms before sitting back down beside us. She showed me a few tricks for positioning and helped me to get him to latch, warning me that there would be some initial discomfort.

She definitely wasn’t lying! But even through the pain, I was in complete awe; that my body was capable of bringing this entirely new person into the world and then providing exactly the nourishment he needed to grow and thrive. That he was born with the instinct and the drive to seek the resources that my body readily produced for him. That the endorphins that flooded my brain so greatly outweighed the soreness that after a few minutes it was barely a blip on my radar.

“Well, what do you say we get you guys moved so you can introduce your son to the rest of his family?” Jennifer suggested after Gabriel finished nursing.

“Do they even know he’s here?” I asked, startled back into a reality where there were important, well-loved people in my life other than Gabe and Max.

“I asked them to let everyone know,” Max said, smiling. “I thought about doing it myself, but I couldn’t leave you.”

I rolled my eyes good-naturedly and leaned up to kiss him gently. “Have I told you how much I love you today?”

“You gave birth to our son today, Lillabet. There isn’t a question in my mind,” he replied, kissing me again before leaning in to kiss Gabriel on the forehead. “And you did so damned good.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

A few minutes after we were settled into the postpartum suite, there was a soft knock at the door.

“Come in!” I called. We were sitting side by side on the bed and Max was holding Gabe in one arm with the other wrapped firmly around my shoulders. I rested my head on his chest, gazing intently at our son, the exhaustion of the past day finally sinking in.

“Oh my god, Liz, I cannot believe he’s here!” Maria exclaimed, making a beeline for us with Isabel hot on her heels. “He’s absolutely gorgeous, can I hold him?” She was almost giddy with excitement.

“Of course you can,” I said, smiling. I leaned back so Max could use both arms to carefully transfer him to Maria.

“Just make sure to support his head,” Max explained, his hands gingerly sliding out from underneath Gabriel’s tiny body as he rested securely in Maria’s arms.

Maria made a small squeaking noise and the tears staining her cheeks triggered my own. Seeing my best friend holding my child was a unreal experience!

“He is absolutely beautiful,” Isabel said, leaning over Maria’s shoulder to stroke his cheek. “God, Max, he looks exactly like you!”

“Except the ears!” I teased and laughter filled the room. I hadn’t even realized that Alex, Michael, Amy, Jim, and Kyle had all filed in.

“Your parents will be here in just a minute, your mother mistakenly thought she had time for a last-minute trip to the gift shop,” Amy explained to Max.

“We tried to tell her,” Isabel said, taking Gabriel carefully from Maria. “Yes we did! We tried to tell that silly Nana of of yours but she just wouldn’t listen!” She cooed at Gabriel in a baby voice so high and sweet that I was shocked it had come from the Ice Queen herself!

By the time Gabriel had made the rounds to each of his eager family members and found his way back into my arms, there was a soft gasp in the doorway and the clatter of something soft falling to the ground. I looked up to find Diane, eyes wide with a hand to her mouth and tears coursing down her cheeks. A bewildered Phillip stood behind her.

She did realize that the outcome of this pregnancy would be a baby…right?

Max and I shared a concerned glance before he turned to her. “Mom?” He ventured.

“I don’t even know how this is possible, but it’s the same room. It’s the exact same room,” she murmured, making no sense.

“Honey, are you alright?” Phillip asked, placing his hands on her shoulders.

“Don’t you remember, Phillip? This was the same room Nancy was in after she had Liz.” She poked her head back out, checking the number “604. I remember it because I thought it was neat that the room number was the same as Nancy’s birthday. Max, this is where you met Liz for the very first time,” she said almost reverently.

Her revelation rendered me speechless. It was a small hospital, of course, but there had to be at least ten rooms on the floor and for whatever reason, we were assigned to that specific one. The room where our relationship began a little more than 17 years before. A room where some vestiges of my parents still existed.

“Wow,” Max said softly, shaking his head. “Life comes full circle.”

“Did you want to meet your grandson?” I managed through what had become an ever-present haze of tears.

“More than anything in the entire world.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

It was after 8 when everyone finally left for the evening. The whole day had been one of the single most surreal experiences of my life and for the first time since Gabriel was born, it was just the three of us alone in a quiet room.

I’d showered with Max’s help while they took Gabriel for a few routine tests and by the time I was in a long, button down night shirt and some hospital-issued undergarments, I felt infinitely more human. Once they’d brought Gabe back, I convinced Max to take five minutes to shower himself and he emerged in a pair of boxer pants and a faded t-shirt, looking refreshed.

“Better?” I asked groggily as I finished feeding Gabriel. I began to fumble with my buttons one-handed, but Max’s fingers deftly replaced mine and before I could even protest, I was dressed once more.

He kissed my forehead. “Much,” he replied. “May I?”

I slid Gabe into his arms and he settled into the glider next to the bed, tossing a burp rag over his shoulder before gently patting him on the back.

“You look like you’ve done this a million times before,” I said and I knew in that moment that watching the two of them together would never get old.

“I don’t feel like I have. I’m so afraid I’m going to break him. I’ve never held a a baby this tiny,” Max said, rocking gently.

“Well, you’re a natural, Max,” I replied, shifting onto my side as best as I could to watch them, exhaustion creeping into my bones.

“Why don’t you rest, Lillabet? I think Gabe and I can manage for a few hours, what do you think, Bug?” Gabriel responded with a wide yawn and my heart dissolved into a puddle. “I think that’s a yes!” Max grinned at me.

“Don’t hesitate to wake me if you need me,” I murmured, already beginning to drift.

“Sleep, Lillabet. We’ve got this. We love you so much.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I awoke a few hours later to the sounds of a fussy baby and Max trying valiantly to calm him. He was slowly pacing back and forth across the small room, bouncing lightly with each step and whispering softly into Gabe’s ear.

“Your mommy did an awful lot of work to bring you earth side, little man. Why don’t we try to let her sleep just a few more minutes, okay? Hanging out with your dad can’t be that bad! I thought we were buds,” he teased, kissing the side of Gabe’s head.

“I’m up, Max,” I said groggily, wincing as I pushed myself into a sitting position. I was extremely fortunate that I hadn’t torn and therefore didn’t require any sutures, but it didn’t mean that my body wasn’t impressively sore!

“I think he wants something that I can’t offer,” Max said sheepishly as I unbuttoned my top. I set up the pillows the way the lactation nurse suggested and Max helped me to situate Gabe. He latched on like a champ and while it was still rather uncomfortable, the pride in my body’s ability to care for my child still overshadowed my pain.

“Does it hurt?” Max asked when I grimaced.

“Yeah, but I’ll get used to it. It’s a good hurt, you know? I know that it’s for a good reason. It feels worth it,” I explained as Gabriel wrapped his tiny hand around my index finger.

“I know I keep saying this, but I am beyond proud of you, Liz,” Max said ardently. “I knew from the moment we found out you were pregnant that you were going to be an incredible mother, but you’ve absolutely blown me away.”

I gave Max a lopsided smile. “I’ll need you to remind me of that in a few weeks when I’m haggard from too little sleep, one nipple is cracked and bleeding, the other has a blocked duct, I haven’t showered in three days, and this little Bug won’t stop wailing!” I joked. Clearly I’d been reading way too many mommy blogs!

“I’ll remind you every second of every day if that’s what you need,” Max replied, smoothing my hair away from my face and kissing my forehead.

“How are you even real, Max?” I asked with a small shake of my head.

“What do you mean?” He looked genuinely confused.

“Max. Most 17 year old guys go running for the hills when they find out their girlfriend is pregnant and those who do stick around are - on a whole - less than helpful and supportive. I’m pretty sure you put 35 year old veteran dads to shame,” I said.

“I can’t imagine being anywhere but here. As hard as these past 10 months have been, getting to watch our son grow inside of you and seeing you bring him into the world is the single most beautiful thing I have ever experienced. Before you got pregnant, I was absolutely convinced that it was impossible to love or admire you any more than I already did. After 16 years together, I was pretty sure I had a complete understanding of the depth of my feelings for you. And then this little guy came along and showed me just how wrong I was. What you sacrificed for him, for us as a family is almost incomprehensible. He wouldn’t exist without you, Lillabet. Without your willingness to take on the extraordinary responsibility of becoming a mother at such a young age. How could I not be in absolute awe of you? I don’t even have words to describe the love I feel for you or for Gabriel and to think that it doesn’t feel this way for every new father is heartbreaking. I don’t care if we’re 17 or 47; age has no bearing on any of this. What you’ve done, the gift you’ve given me is nothing short of miraculous and I will spend the rest of my life trying to show you how grateful I am,” he said sincerely, wiping an errant tear from his cheek.

“Okay, I’m pretty sure the hospital needs to hire you to talk to all the new dads!” A voice came from the door. It was Seurena. “You practically have me in tears!” She quipped and we both laughed. “I just wanted to stop in and see how you guys were doing before going off shift.”

“We’re good,” I said, shifting Gabe to my other breast. “He’s nursed a few times, we’ve changed him a few times, and I was even able to get in a few hours of sleep!”

“Well, everyone here has been very impressed by how well you’re doing, but seeing the two of you together, I can fully understand why. Mothers with supportive partners have much better outcomes than those with partners who are less engaged. Believe it or not, single mothers often do better than those with an uninterested or dismissive partner. Your support system can really make all the difference,” Seurena said with a soft smile.

“I’m pretty sure I have the most amazing support system there is!” I replied, beaming up at Max.

“Did your families have a good visit? Your parents must all be so excited!” She commented as she made a few notes on the computer.

The high I had been riding just moments before disappeared and I felt myself plummeting back towards the earth. There had been so much activity followed by contented exhaustion that I hadn’t allowed myself to think too much about my parents and their absence. But that small, ever-present emptiness began to expand at an alarming rate, threatening to swallow me whole.

“My parents are dead,” I mumbled quietly, unable to look at her.

“Lillabet,” Max whispered soothingly, but I shook my head. I needed her to know so that she - or anyone else - wouldn’t ask again.

“They were murdered in January, right around the time I got pregnant. They’ll never meet Gabriel,” I said, choking on my last words.

“Oh my god, Liz! I’m so sorry, I had no idea!” She exclaimed, stricken.

The guilt over causing someone else’s discomfort immediately began to bubble in my stomach but I swallowed it down. Hard. This wasn’t about anyone else or their discomfort, it was about mine. It had to be about mine.

“It’s been a very difficult year, but Gabriel was the gift I didn’t know I needed. That all of us needed,” I said resolutely, drawing strength from a reserve I didn’t even realize I had. “And without Max, I never would’ve survived any of it.”

“You are far more capable than you give yourself credit for,” Max said, squeezing my shoulder.

“He’s right, Liz,” Seurena agreed. “Gabriel may be the first baby I’ve had the privilege of helping to deliver, but Dr. Greenberg has been doing this for a decade and I can tell you under no uncertain terms that she is beyond impressed with you. With both of you.”

“That’s very kind of you to say,” I replied, blushing at the compliment. “But I think she’s overstating things just a bit.”

Seurena just smiled. “Well, all I know is that I’m really glad I had the opportunity to meet all three of you and that I got to be a part of such a special day.”

“We appreciate everything,” Max said, taking Gabriel from me so that I could button my top once more.

“I don’t know how much the opinion of a single, childless medical student matters, but for what it is worth, I think you two are going to be incredible parents. I’ll let you guys get some rest.” And with that, she closed the door leaving the three of us alone once more.

“It does feel pretty good to hear that other people besides our family think that we’re capable of doing this,” Max said, settling back in the rocker with Gabe.

“I know. It’s not that I don’t believe your parents or Amy or Jim, but they kind of have to rally around us and cheer us on. I suppose it’s just a much more objective assessment,” I agreed.

“‘Objective assessment?’” Max teased. “You are such a scientist!”

I rolled my eyes, laughing. “Maybe someday! Though, I really wouldn’t mind going to medical school,” I said thoughtfully. “I love research and the idea of being the part of some major biomedical discovery, but the more I think about it, the more I think I’d like to be on the frontlines; to actually see my work making a difference.”

All of our lives, I wanted to be a scientist and Max wanted to be a doctor. I loved the idea of spending my days in a research lab at a major university - preferably Harvard! - and working towards a profound discovery that would cause a paradigm shift in the way that doctors practice medicine. Max was drawn to the idea of being able to help people; to heal people. That someone could come to him broken and that he would be able to fix them. And while I saw the appeal, I didn’t have the same motivations. But when my parents were murdered, I began to think about what goes into saving a life. There was no hope for them that day, but for others there is. And if I could potentially spare another 16 year old girl from suffering my tragedy, that would mean something.

“Wow, this is new,” Max said, glancing at me over Gabriel’s head. “I think that’s wonderful. You’d be an amazing doctor, Liz.”

“We’ll see! First we both have to survive four years of undergrad with a baby!” I replied.

“I believe in us, Lillabet. We’re more than capable.”

I yawned. “I’m pretty sure all I’m capable of right now is sleeping. Are you okay for a little while? You must be exhausted, too!”

“I’m absolutely fine, I promise. I don’t think I could sleep right now if I tried, I like looking at him too much!”

“He’s pretty spectacular,” I agreed, yawning once more. “I love you, Max.”

“And we love you. We’ll be here when you wake up.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

“…And - you won’t even believe this part, but I promise it’s true - and then your Grandpa Jeff stood in front of the restaurant all day in a cow costume, udders and all! But it worked! He sold every one of those burger patties that day!”

Max’s softly animated voice greeted me as I resurfaced from a surprisingly restful sleep. Though only half awake, the memory of the day my father accidentally ordered three times the number of hamburger patties than we could actually fit in the Crashdown’s deep freezer came immediately to my mind. But instead of getting upset or accepting the financial loss, he ran down the street to the costume shop that supplied Roswell with all of our Crash Festival and Halloween ensemble needs, rented a cow costume, made some punny sign about cows and alien abductions, and offered 15% off to anyone who bought a burger basket. I’d been about 14 and was at the peak age of being embarrassed by my parents and I’d begged my mom to let me trade shifts that day, but she said it was an excellent lesson in business and made me work anyways. I’d called Max to come and hang out for moral support and he thought it was just about the best thing he’d ever seen. As mortified as I’d been that day, I was so glad to have that memory three years later.

“Your mom was pretty embarrassed, but deep down I think that she was impressed with your grandpa. I know I was! And your Grandma Nancy made cow jokes for weeks afterwards,” Max added. “I know that you won’t get to meet them, Bug, but Mommy and I will tell you stories about them everyday and show you all of the pictures we have until you’re positively sick of seeing them. It won’t be exactly the same, but they’ll always be a part of you.”

I opened my eyes just enough to see Max cradling Gabriel out in front of him so that he could look down at his face.

“You know, this is apparently the very same room where your mommy and I met for the first time, just over 17 years ago. I don’t remember that day, but I’ve heard the story so many times that sometimes I feel like I do. In some ways, your life began right here, all those years ago. Maybe it’s crazy, but I know that I loved your mother from that very moment. That our lives became intertwined when your Nana brought me into this room to meet her. I think it’s because your mommy is such a special person. You can’t help but love her, you can’t help but love every single thing about her, even when she gets on your nerves!” Max chuckled and I cracked a small smile.

“And I’m sure there will be some point in your life when both of us do; we’re your parents, it’s practically our job! But it’s impossible to stay mad at her for long, I promise. There is no one in the whole universe who will ever love you like she does. I love you every bit as much, but she’ll always love you a little differently; you two shared almost 10 months together that no one else experienced. I don’t know if you’ll ever fully understand the gravity of your existence and I know that your mother doesn’t want you to ever think that your life is tied to your grandparents’ deaths, but it goes far deeper than that for me. Your mom thinks that she survived that loss because of me, but I know that the only reason she not only survived but has grown so much stronger is because of you. You gave her such an incredible purpose and something so wondrous and beautiful to focus on in the midst of such a monumental tragedy. She got up every day for you, she started eating again for you, she started living again for you. I was just there to support her along the way. You brought her back to me, Bug, whether she realizes it or not. I am so grateful that you are here and I am so, so honored to be your Daddy.” I could hear the raw emotion in his voice and it took everything I had to remain quiet. This was clearly a private moment between father and son.

“I know I might be a bit younger than the other dads, but I will do everything in my power to be the absolute best father I can possibly be for you. I know I’m going to mess up along the way - probably more times than either of us will be able to count - but I will work to be better every single day. We’re going to figure this whole thing out together, Bug. And I’m going to love every single minute of it.” Max leaned down to kiss Gabriel’s forehead before gently bringing him up to cradle his tiny body against his shoulder.

If we had only known how precious those minutes would be.
"It's like...chemical" ~ Liz Parker
keepsmiling7
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Re: Yellow (M/L ADULT): Ch. 20 10/4/20

Post by keepsmiling7 »

Such a proud moment.......sweet and tender.
Of course Liz misses her own parents at this time.
The memories and stories shared at this time will never be forgotten.
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ChemChic
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Re: Yellow (M/L ADULT): Ch. 21 3/24/21

Post by ChemChic »

Holy moly, it's been awhile! I'm so sorry for the radio silence! This fic is most certainly not dead and I have every intention to finish it! I got completely overwhelmed with school, then the holidays, my job, and then unfortunately COVID! I'm feeling much better and wanted to get this part out to you guys as soon as it was done! I've got the next three weeks off of school and I'm consulting full time right now, so that will give me a lot more opportunity to write! If anyone is still out there reading this, I hope you enjoy!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The first months of Gabriel’s life were as exhausting and chaotic and difficult as everyone said they would be. They were also some of the best months of my life. There was no question that caring for a newborn comes without a rulebook and with a ridiculously steep learning curve, but we had so much support it almost seemed unfair. I’ve heard so many parents talk about eating cold meals, barely getting two seconds to shower, and never getting a moment to themselves and while I knew that our friends and family would want to be involved, I never expected to look forward to Gabe crying to be nursed just so I would get 15 minutes alone with him!

It seemed like our strange, wonderful little village all moved into the Evanses as soon as we brought him home from the hospital. Phillip and Diane had elected to work from home for the next several months, only going into the office if they had to meet with a client face-to-face. The only way Amy DeLuca saw her daughter was to come by with Jim for dinner every evening because Maria insisted that it ‘wasn’t fair’ for Isabel to get more time with Gabriel than she did; she was his Godmother after all! And Alex didn’t see any sense in sitting alone in an empty house and Phillip and Diane had no objection to him staying, so it was like an epic, months long sleepover that seemed to revolve entirely around one very lucky - and incredibly loved - little boy.

As deeply appreciated as it was to have so much support, it also amplified the absence of my parents in ways I hadn’t been expecting. Especially the absence of my mother. Max and Isabel were 7 weeks old when they came to the Evanses and while Diane was an absolutely fantastic mother, there were simply things that she hadn’t experienced while raising her own children. She hadn’t given birth or breastfed and while I could - and certainly did - go to Amy with questions and for advice, it just wasn’t the same.

I didn’t have much of an opportunity to ruminate on these emotions with so much activity in the house throughout the day, but I found myself thinking about my parents during the small hours. Gabriel usually woke up between 2 and 3 AM to nurse and while Max spent the first few weeks insisting that he get up with me anytime Gabe needed to be fed, I finally convinced him that I could handle a shift or two on my own. I appreciated the solidarity and never complained about passing Gabe off for a diaper change so I could get back to sleep, but I found that it was during those middle of the night feedings that I was finally able to have a half hour alone with my thoughts.

It had been an especially long day. Gabriel had been fussy and I suspected he was either on the verge of a cold or he was showing signs of colic, but either way he didn’t want to be put down and even when he was being held he wanted to be in motion. He’d also begun cluster feeding for the second time and by the 5th feed in as many hours, my body was sore and exhausted and I was finally starting to understand what other mothers meant by being “touched out”.

It was a little after 3 am and I’d blearily taken Gabriel into the nursery to feed and try to soothe him as to not wake Max. After almost an hour of feeding and burping and rocking, I finally convinced him to settle, but I was so bone tired I couldn’t even bring myself to get up from the glider and take him back to our room.

To this day, I could not tell you what it was about that particular moment or if it was truly anything at all, but suddenly and without any warning the absence of my parents slammed into me with enough force that I audibly gasped. And then I began to sob. I held my son tightly against my chest and tried my damnedest to remain silent, clinging to the only biological connection I had to them in the entire world. In that instant, it didn’t matter that I had Max or the rest of the Evans family or Amy and Jim or Maria or Alex; I felt every bit as alone as I did on the day of their funeral when I realized that I was suddenly and irrevocably orphaned.

I got 16 years with them. Sixteen. I wanted sixty, I wanted a hundred and sixty, a thousand and sixty; anything more than the time that I had. How was I supposed to live the next half century of my life without them? Without their support and their guidance, without my father’s corny jokes and my mother’s sappy birthday cards? How was I supposed to parent a child when I hadn’t finished being parented myself? How was I supposed to give my son the gift of knowing them when I was just barely getting to know them myself? Not as my parents, but as two people who fell in love and started a family and had this whole rich life that came before me and existed even when I wasn’t there. As a child, we assume that our parents’ lives stop and start with us, but as we grow older we realize that they are much more than just our moms and dads. And except for the stories from Phil and Diane, I was never going to experience them in that way and that was tragic. I didn’t want to be this shell of a person; especially not for my son, but the hollowness I felt was acute and expansive and I couldn’t begin to fathom how I would ever be able to fill it.

I don’t know how long I sat there with Gabriel, but the cooling dampness of my tears against his almost bald head was enough to startle him from sleep and he began to cry.

“Shit,” I mumbled under my breath, realizing what I’d done. “Shh, Bug, shh. Mama’s sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you,” I murmured through a series of sniffles while I used the clean edge of the burp rag to dry his hair. The sensation only made him begin to cry harder and I eased myself onto my feet and began pacing the small room, bouncing him gently as we walked.

“I’m sorry, Bug, I’m sorry. Please go back to sleep,” I whispered shakily, still crying myself. “I just miss my mommy and daddy a whole lot. And I really wish they were here right now.”

I turned my gaze upwards. “I really, really wish you were here right now,” I said into the ether. I didn’t know if they were there or anywhere at all, but the ache in my bones was so pervasive that I was desperate for any way to subdue it. “I really, really need you to be here right now.” And then I was openly sobbing along with my son, no longer able to control the sounds that emanated from my throat.

“Liz?” A quiet voice came from the doorway leading into the hall. The jolt of surprise was enough to bring an abrupt stop to my tears, but Gabriel carried on. I spun around to find Isabel, a deep look of concern furrowing her brow.

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you,” I raised my voice just enough to be heard over Gabriel’s wails. I turned my head and hastily swiped at my face, but I knew that she’d caught me.

“Is he okay? Are you okay? Do you want me to get Max? Or Mom and Dad?” She asked in rapid succession, stepping into the room and shutting the door behind her.

“I’m okay,” I insisted, trying to regain my composure. “Just a rough night.”

“Here, let me take him,” Isabel said, holding her hands out. My shoulders sagged gratefully and I passed Gabe to her before sinking back down into the glider. She resumed my previous path from the changing table by the window to the dresser and back and Gabriel slowly began to quiet.

“What happened? What I just heard sounded like a whole lot more than a rough night,” she prodded gently after Gabriel was finally asleep once more.

“I just miss them,” I blurted, my exhaustion having reduced my walls to a heap of rubble at my feet. “I miss them so damned much and I want them back and I don’t know how I can do this without them.” And once again, the tears began.

Isabel gently laid Gabriel down in his crib and my instincts almost made me protest as there were several stuffed animals - including Cosmo - lined up along the far side, but my rational brain reminded me that he wouldn’t be sleeping there all night and she and I were less than a foot from him. She sat down on the footrest across from me and placed a comforting hand on my knee.

“I’m so sorry, Liz. I know that I cannot begin to imagine what it is you’re going through or how you feel right now. And I know that there’s nothing that I can do or say to make you feel any better, but I can certainly listen if you want to talk. Or we can just sit here quietly together for awhile,” she said gently.

The Isabel the world knew and the Isabel I knew were two very different people. To those outside of her circle, she was a sharp-witted, sharp-tongued tour de force who would eviscerate anyone or anything who got in her way. And while it was absolutely true that when she set out to accomplish something there wasn’t a damned thing that could stop her, she would always take a detour for someone in need; particularly if it was someone she loved. She was also one of the most empathetic people I’ve ever known, second perhaps only to Max, though arguably my experiences have been biased in his case. I teased her all the time that she’d make a phenomenal psychologist, but she’d only be able to accept heterosexual females as clients, otherwise she’d be entirely too distracting!

I pulled in a shaky breath, watching Gabriel sleep peacefully for a few moments before turning back to her. “I don’t even know if there’s anything to talk about, really. Nothing anyone says is going to bring them back or make their absence hurt any less. It’s just all amplified because I’m exhausted and a new mother about 10 years too early,” I confessed, scrubbing my face with my hands. “I’m really sorry I woke you.”
“God, Liz, you have nothing to be sorry for! Considering everything that you’ve been through, you’re doing about a thousand times better than I’d be doing if our roles were reversed,” she said earnestly, squeezing my knee.

“I should probably get back to bed,” I said after a beat. “If Max wakes up and we’re both missing, he’ll have a coronary!” I managed a laugh with a small smile. “Though I really hate to move him,” I said ruefully, glancing at Gabe once more.

“If you move the stuffed animals, is there any reason he can’t sleep here for a few hours? You can leave the adjoining bathroom doors open so you’ll be able to hear him,” Isabel suggested.

I contemplated it for a moment and shrugged. “I don’t see why not. I’ll take his monitor with me, too,” I said, standing from the glider and picking up one of the two small white boxes on the side table. I fiddled with the settings for a moment while Isabel carefully removed all of the plush toys from the crib. I smiled when I noticed Cosmo perched on the far edge of the crib rail.

“There!” She said, smiling. “Now Cosmo can keep an eye on him, too!”

“Thank you, Iz. Really,” I said, hugging her.

“That’s what sisters are for, Liz. And that’s what we are and have always been,” she replied, hugging me back. “Now, go get some rest!”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

“Lillabet?” Max mumbled groggily as I slid back into bed.

“It’s me, go back to sleep,” I said quietly, settling down next to him.

“I was getting worried,” he said, rolling onto his side to face me. He scrutinized me for a moment and ran the pad of his thumb across my cheek.

“You’ve been crying.” It was a statement, not a question.

I sighed. “You weren’t supposed to notice that,” I admonished without any passion.

He quirked an eyebrow at me and waited.

“I was kind of hoping you’d still be asleep,” I mumbled.

“Liz…” Max began but I shook my head.

“I’m okay. I was just feeling a little overwhelmed and found myself missing my parents,” I admitted.

“Why didn’t you wake me?”

“Isabel came in and sat with me. She offered to get you, too, but you were so sound asleep when I got up to feed him that I didn’t want to disturb you,” I explained. “I didn’t even realize how much I was hurting until I had five minutes alone with Gabriel to sit and think about it all.”

“Where is Gabe?” Max asked, picking his head up to check the bassinet.

“Asleep in his crib. Isabel got him to settle and she put him down for a minute. I didn’t have the heart to move him,” I replied.

“What about all the stuffed…” He began but I cut him off.

“The crib is empty and I have the monitor on the nightstand,” I said with a small smile.

“Of course you do! I don’t know why I even feel the need to ask,” he said with a chuckle and kissed my forehead.

“Because you’re the best father in the whole world and you’re worried about your son,” I answered, reaching up to brush a lock of hair out of his eyes.

“I’m also worried about you, Lillabet,” Max said quietly, his voice serious once more. “I hate that you’re hurting so badly.”

I sighed, running the pads of my fingers over his stubbled cheek. “I don’t know if it will ever hurt any less, to be honest. I just think that there will be longer periods between the pain. I’m always going to miss them, I’m always going to want them back, and when I find myself in a situation where they should be there and they’re not, it’s always going to feel like I’m being eviscerated. But there is going to come a point where I have spent more days without them than with them and that my normal is not having them around, so the expectation of their presence won’t be what it is now. It’s awful, but there’s also nothing I can do to change it except to live through the experience. You help me to do that; Gabriel does, too.”

“I want nothing more than to be able to fix it for you, Liz,” Max sighed, his forehead resting against mine. “Our whole lives, when there’s been something wrong I’ve always been able to fix it. Not just put a bandaid on it, but actually make a marked change in the problem. But I can’t fix this for you, not this time. And honestly, I feel pretty helpless and like I’m somehow failing you.”

My heart ached at this admission. “No, Max…” I began and I could feel fresh tears brimming over my lashes.

Max shook his head to interject. “Maybe it’s archaic, but it’s always been important to me to take care of you, to protect you. I know that you are more than capable of looking after yourself and you certainly take incredible care of me, but I’d like to think that when things go sideways, I’m the person you turn to; not only because of how much I love you, but because you know that I will do everything in my power to fix whatever’s wrong. And if I can’t, at the very least I can ease the pain in an appreciable way.

“But I can’t do that this time. I understand that I can alleviate the symptoms, that I can ease the fallout, but there will never be anything I can do to erase this loss and the trauma it has caused. And I absolutely hate that no matter what I do, no matter how long or how hard I try, I can never heal you.”

“You’re not god, Max,” I said simply and without accusation. “These moments may never get easier, but you make them far easier to bare. You’re right, I have always looked to you to fix the problems I couldn’t fix myself. And Max? That’s something that will never change. You will always be that person for me. And there was going to come a time in our lives, some day at some point, where something happened that neither you nor I could make better. I just don’t think that either of us expected that day to come as soon or as brutally as it did.

“Think about it, Max. A year ago, we were just a couple of kids. The biggest problems in our lives revolved around work or school or a fight we had with our parents. Our biggest worry was that we wouldn’t end up at college together, and even then we knew we’d still be in the same city! Of course you’ve always been able to fix my problems, because my problems have always had solutions. But for better or worse, we’ve been forced to dive headlong into adulthood where not everything can be fixed.”

Max pulled me closer against his broad chest and sighed, tucking my head under his chin. I slipped my thigh between his and held onto him. I felt the ache easing ever so slightly; it was incredible what being in his arms could do for me.

“You’re right, Lillabet. I know you’re right,” He conceded. “But it doesn’t mean I have to like it.”

I smiled at this ruefully. This is one of those times it hurts far worse to be right.

I nestled down in his embrace, fully intending to drift off, but then he pressed a kiss to the crown of my head and his wide, warm palm rested against the exposed skin of my back where my shirt had ridden up. The gesture was so innocent, so natural, but the feeling of his hand on my bare flesh sent an unexpected bolt of desire directly to my core and I inhaled sharply.

I could feel a flush blooming across my chest, my nipples hardening and my heart thrumming and I was instantly wide awake.

While Dr. Greenberg had given me the all clear to have intercourse again following my six week check up and I’d even had a hormonal IUD implanted in anticipation, the opportunity had yet to present itself. We’d fooled around a bit but we were both more than uncomfortable with the idea of getting intimate with our son less than a foot away. And the few times we’d been alone and on the verge of making love, we were consistently interrupted by a very unhappy little boy! But Gabriel was fed and dry and fast asleep in his crib several dozen feet away and we were all alone. And I suddenly - desperately - needed to feel those hands everywhere.

I nuzzled into the hollow of his throat, placing a soft, openmouthed kiss just below his Adam’s apple and I could feel his groan vibrate against my lips. I let my own hand slip into the waistband of his boxer pants, my fingers gliding through his downy thatch of hair and wrapping around his semi-erect shaft. I hummed in satisfaction as it throbbed to life in my grasp.

“Liz,” he moaned, thrusting into my hand.

“I’ve missed this, Max,” I whispered sultrily. “I need this. I need you.” I stroked his now rock hard member deliberately, kissing my way up his jawline to his mouth and our lips met with a desperation neither of us would later be able to articulate.

“It can’t be nearly as much as I need you,” Max murmured against my ear. He nudged me onto my back and kissed me once more before leaving me just long enough to make quick work of his clothing.

Before I could protest about the inequity in our present state of dress, he knelt over me and began to slide my tank top upwards, exposing my skin inch with his lips following in its wake.

Though my body had changed relatively little compared to many women’s experiences, I was still getting acquainted with the fullness of my breasts - different from how they were in pregnancy, the gentle widening of my hips, the subtle softness of my belly. I was learning how to live in this new, less gravid figure; I’d spent almost 10 months in metamorphosis and its mark was indelible.

I hadn’t hidden my body from Max in any way and he’d cared for me with incredible tenderness through those first difficult postpartum weeks. He never once made me feel self-conscious of my rapidly changing body. But while I didn’t think twice about stripping down in front of him or wonder what he would think of how I looked stepping out of the shower, still too sore to even think about shaving, there was nothing about those moments that was sexually charged.

But in that moment, exposed to Max for the first time in this transformed body not as a new mother but as his lover, I couldn’t help but feel that same flood of self-consciousness I’d experienced the first time we’d ever made love.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

It was the summer between our sophomore and junior year and after what seemed like months of discussion and that first memorable visit to Dr. Greenberg, we’d both agreed that we were ready. We’d begun experimenting with oral sex earlier that year, so nudity was neither new or uncomfortable for us, but there was something about the idea that we were going to cross this highly anticipated and - in fairness - highly sensationalized threshold in our relationship that gave me pause. It was entirely baseless and I certainly had no question that Max thought I was beautiful, but was I beautiful enough? As far as either of us were concerned, all of our sexual experiences would begin and end with each other; what if somehow I disappointed him? What if I couldn’t bring him enough pleasure or if my body didn’t do enough to arouse him? These thoughts were altogether irrational, but I had no control over them.

The benefit of planning out the loss of your virginity to the specific day is that you are able to fully prepare; the downfall is the anticipation! By the time that day came, I was so consumed by excitement and nerves, I still have no idea how I made it through school or my shift at the Crashdown. Of course, it really didn’t help that I’d spilled the beans to Isabel and Maria who had promptly told Michael and Alex and all four of them were teasing us mercilessly the entire week before!

I was grateful that Max was scheduled to work at the UFO center that afternoon as well; I don’t think I would’ve survived if he’d been hanging out in his usual booth while I tried to attend to customers! I’d made him promise that he’d give me some time to get cleaned up and that we’d actually have a proper date before. Looking back, the amount of ceremony I invested into that night was more than a bit ridiculous, but it seemed so important at the time.

He showed up at my door at exactly 7:30, dressed in green khakis, a black button down, and his ever-present black leather boots. He was freshly showered and shaven and it took everything inside of me not to drag him down the hall to my room and ravish him. I was wearing a pair of black pants and a short sleeved red top with about a million buttons that I knew he absolutely loved. I’d pulled my hair back from my face in a clip and put on a bit of makeup; just enough to look mature, but not so much that it was obvious.

My parents were away at a restaurant convention in Austin, Texas and would be gone the whole weekend. I’d tried not to think too hard about the fact that both they and the Evanses knew that Max would be spending Friday and Saturday night with me in an otherwise empty apartment. I had ordered dinner from Portofino’s, a small Italian restaurant around the corner from the Crashdown because I’d been too keyed up to cook anything myself.

“I think I’m as nervous right now as I was on our first date,” Max admitted sheepishly. We were sitting at the kitchen table pretending to eat our meals. I’d lit a few candles and turned down the lights; corny, I know, but I was a fifteen year old girl trying to set the mood and it was about the only tool in my toolbox at that point in my life!

“I know, I feel a little ridiculous,” I laughed self-consciously. “I don’t think I’m nervous about actually having sex, I just think I’m nervous that somehow it won’t go well and I’ll disappoint you or I won’t live up to your fantasies.”

“Lillabet, my fantasies have never once lived up to the reality of any experience I’ve ever had with you,” Max said earnestly, reaching across the table to take my hand. “I just want this to be perfect for you.”

“It’s already perfect, Max,” I murmured. “Whatever happens tonight, it’s perfect because it’s with you.”

“Liz, I don’t think I’m hungry anymore,” Max said, his eyes burning into mine.

“Oh, I am, Max, but it’s definitely not for food,” I replied, biting my lip.

Max stood up from his seat and walked round the table, holding his hand out to me.

“Liz Parker, I want to make all of your dreams come true.”

I took his hand and let him lead me towards my room, our dinners all but forgotten. I’d lit several candle on my nightstand and dressers before he’d arrived and turned on the string of tea lights I had hanging over the windows leading to my balcony. The room was dim and golden and the firelight cast long shadows across the walls and over the bed. I closed the door out of habit and stood frozen for a moment, my heart thumping against my ribcage so hard I was sure he could hear it.

“Are you sure about this, Liz?” He asked quietly, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear before letting his hand slip down to cup my cheek.

I reached up and wrapped my fingers around his wrist, gently guiding his hand down to my breastbone.

“Can you feel that, Max?” I whispered, my breathing quick and shallow. “I want this more than anything in the whole world. Make love to me, Max.”

“Oh, god,” he groaned, swallowing hard. His palm slid lower and cupped my breast, massaging it gently before he began to undo my sweater one button at a time. I stood perfectly still and watched as he exposed more and more of my skin. He reached the bottom button and my shirt fell open, catching on my hardened nipples; I wasn’t wearing a bra.

He gently pushed the shirt off my shoulders and I let it fall to the floor.

“Jesus, Liz, if I knew you weren’t wearing a bra this whole time…” He trailed off and I smiled up at him impishly.

“Surprise,” I murmured coyly. Max leaned down to kiss me, but I pulled back slightly, reaching for the top button of his shirt. “No, my turn first.”

I held his gaze as I deftly undid each button, his breathing fast and rasping, his chest heaving with the effort. Once I was done, I laid my palms over the tight ridges of his abdomen and slowly ran my hands upwards over his pecs and across his clavicles before pushing the shirt away.
“There,” I whispered, staring up at him, my mouth inches from his. “Now we’re even.”

“Liz…” He breathed, his mouth drifting towards mine. “Liz…I can’t…not…touch you…” His arms came around my waist and his wide, warm hands explored my bare back, following the curve of my spine up my neck and threading his fingers in my hair.

“Then touch me, Max. Touch me everywhere,” I replied and our mouths crashed into each other as though we were starving. And perhaps we were.

I don’t remember how we got from the door to my bed, but I found myself lying supine with Max kneeling over me as his lips descended the length of my body, stopping to pay homage to my hypersensitive nipples before moving down to dip his tongue into the hollow of my navel and finally stopping at the waistband of my pants. He gingerly undid the top button and slid the zipper down tooth by tooth, the ache in my core growing with each click.

“No panties, either?” Max groaned as he tugged my pants down, leaving me nude.

I opened my mouth to reply but all that I managed was a high pitched keening sound as he buried his face against my folds. My hips bucked hard from the unexpected onslaught of sensations as his tongue twisted and teased over my clitoris. I thrashed against him, the intense anticipation that had built to an almost dizzying height had me teetering on the edge of explosion within moments.

He slid two fingers deep inside of me and massaged my g-spot slowly and he lifted his head up to look at me.

“Tell me what you want, Liz,” he demanded, the gravely timbre of his voice sending shivers of desire down my spine.

“You!” I gasped, my fists balling in the sheets, desperate for more. “I want you!”

“I know you want me, baby. I can taste how much you want me,” he said, leaning down to lick my nub sensuously. “I can feel how much you want me,” he said, massaging my inner walls.

“But I’d really like you to tell me just what it is you want me to do,” he said, toying with me.

“I want you inside of me, Max! I want to come with you inside of me.” I surprised myself with the directness of my words, but I was too far gone to equivocate.

He kissed my center one more time before slowly extracting his fingers, the loss of his touch sending a tremor through my body. He stood up and undid his pants and I watched fascinated as the waistband of his boxers caught briefly on his erection. I wondered - not for the first time - how he was going to fit. In health class, we’d learned that the average size for most men is a bit over 5 inches and Max positively blew that out of the water. I’d discover years later after a night of too much alcohol and the happenstance of a cloth tape measure on the nightstand that he was closer to 9 inches in length and 6 in diameter, but at the time all I knew was that it seemed far larger than anything my body could accommodate.

To distract myself, I turned and reached up to the shelf that served as my headboard and procured the box of condoms we’d bought a few weeks before and when I turned back I found a fully naked Max staring down at me. In that moment, all of my earlier hubris dissipated and I felt suddenly and painfully shy. What if we’d come this far for him to realize that I simply wasn’t what he wanted for the rest of his life? I was so slightly built with small breasts and barely any hips to speak of; maybe I just wasn’t attractive enough.

“My god, Lillabet,” he murmured then, snapping me from my quickly spiraling anxieties. “I don’t care how many times I see you like this, I will never get enough of it. You are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen and I can’t believe that I am lucky enough to be the only person in the world to ever see you like this.”

“Really?” I said quietly, my fears evaporating as quickly as they’d arrived.

“Really,” he replied, settling on his knees between my open legs.

Instead of handing him the foil packet, I surprised myself by sitting up and reaching for his thick shaft. I stroked him several times, teasing the slick head with my thumb before tearing at the perforation and taking the latex disc between my fingers. I pinched the tip and carefully rolled it down onto his length, privately disappointed that we needed the barrier at all but logically knowing that two forms of birth control was far better than one.

Max’s eyes slipped closed, the cords of his neck grew taut and his jaw clenched as he tried to maintain his composure.

“Max,” I whispered, touching his cheek. He looked down at me and the desire in his gaze left me breathless. “Please make love to me.”

He followed me down and settled over me, the tip of his cock nestling between my legs for the first time. He kissed me tenderly and I felt him reach down and guide himself between my slick folds, pressing barely outside of my entrance.

“Are you ready?” He asked, his eyes searching mine.

“I’ve never been more ready for anything in my life,” I murmured, kissing him once more.

I gasped at the sharp sting of my body opening up to him for the first time as he slowly inched inside of me. While he’d broken my hymen almost a year before the first time he’d penetrated me with his fingers, I hadn’t had anything larger than that inside of me and it took a minute for my body to adjust to his substantial girth.

“Are you okay, Lillabet?” He asked, panting in an obvious attempt to keep himself under control.

I nodded even as tears pooled at the corners of my eyes. “Just go slowly. It’s getting better,” I said, tracing the straining muscles across his back.

My breath hitched as his thrusts became deeper, finally burying himself completely inside of me. 

“Max!”  I cried, my nails digging into his broad shoulders.  “Oh god, Max!”

“Is this okay?  Are you okay?”  He asked huskily, pulling back just far enough for our foreheads to touch and our eyes to meet. 

“Yes,” I murmured and then moaned as he stroked a particularly sensitive spot.  “I want more, Max...please!”  I begged, my back arching up to meet him.  

“God, Lillabet!”  He growled and then his lips were on mine, the kiss mimicking the urgency of our bodies. 

I knew that neither of us would last much longer; though I’d had no real expectation of an orgasm, my body clearly had other ideas and the tension building in my core was almost unbearable.  

“I’m close, Max...I’m so close!”  I panted against his ear, clinging to him as though I was drowning.  

His hand slipped between our sweat slicked torsos and trailed downward, his index finger finally hooking into my cleft, just above my throbbing clitoris. 

“I want to feel you come around me, Liz.  I want to feel you come with me,” Max said sultrily, and he began a rapid assault on my engorged flesh. 

In that moment, I understood exactly why the French describe an orgasm as la petit mort - a little death - because in that moment, that was the best way to explain what I was feeling.  By that point, I’d climaxed a countless number of times both by Max’s hand and my own, but this feeling was distinctly different.  It was a combination of the fullness and the connection; of his weight over me and his declarations of love into the hollow of my neck.  It was the newness and the singularity of that moment.  It was all of it together and the emotions that flooded me as I finally exploded around him were almost more overwhelming than the sensations themselves. 

“I love you, Liz!  My god do I love you...Liz!”  He cried and I could feel him throbbing against as he held himself as deep inside of me as he could possibly go.

I clung to him desperately; the first time wasn’t supposed to be like that! It was supposed to be awkward, maybe a little bit painful, and - at best - moderately satisfying…and that was only if all went to plan. What I experienced, what we experienced, was an immeasurable distance from that expectation.

Our chests heaved together, sweat-slick and flushed as our limbs tingled and our joined bodies pulsed. Our lips found purchase wherever they could - mouths, cheeks, necks, noses - unhurriedly and without any greater purpose than to affirm and reaffirm connection, possession.

“Lillabet,” Max murmured hoarsely against my parted lips.

“I know, Max,” I whispered in reply. Because I truly did. I knew without reservation that my feelings in that moment mirrored his exactly. That there was nothing that could be said to heighten our understanding of this shared experience.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I studied Max’s face as he studied me; his hands caressing first the points of my hips, then the softness of my belly, before traveling up over my ribcage to my full breasts. A single finger traced the deep blue veins that had become so prominent since Gabriel’s arrival. The sensation of his thumb circling my areola triggered my letdown reflex and I felt myself blush as I inadvertently coated the tips of his fingers with milk.

“I’m sorry,” I mumbled sheepishly, torn between being insanely turned on by his ministrations and mortified that I’d leaked all over him.

His eyes immediately snapped up to mine and his brow furrowed in genuine confusion tinged with concern. “No, Lillabet. Don’t you dare say sorry. This is beautiful,” he said, teasing my nipple deliberately. “You are so incredibly beautiful.”

I stared up at him, unsure how to respond. Since the birth of our son, I’d felt strong, I’d felt capable, I’d felt accomplished, but I can’t say that I’d felt beautiful. I was in this unfamiliar body, running on limited sleep and instinct, bathing and dressing myself out of necessity and comfort, only having shaved for the first time the day prior because I could no longer stand the sensation of my hairy legs rubbing against each other.
He noted my reservation. “If you don’t believe me when I tell you, then let me show you,” he murmured, leaning down to capture my mouth for a brief moment before sitting up and reaching for something on the nightstand.

“I read that this might help make it more comfortable for you,” he said simply, pouring a generous dollop of lubricant on his fingers before setting the bottle aside. He raised my right knee gently and I let it fall away from my body, opening myself to him. He traced his slicked fingers along my parted lips, causing my hips to buck in response. He teased my clitoris with almost painfully soft strokes before drawing the tip of his finger over my entrance. I shuddered.

“Max,” I moaned desperately as he finally slid two fingers inside of me, the lubricant mixing with my own arousal. He massaged my g-spot and pressed his thumb against my clit, all but sending me flying off the bed. “Max, I’m wet enough! Please be inside of me,” I whimpered, feeling almost delirious with need.

He withdrew from me and stroked his straining cock with his slicked hand a few times before settling between my legs once more. I’d been disappointed by the prospect of having to go back to using condoms after Gabriel’s birth, but Dr. Greenberg had said that while it was ultimately our decision that she felt the IUD was more than enough coverage. We were more than happy to take her advice!

“If it’s too much, we’ll stop,” Max said as he positioned himself against my opening.

I nodded and took a deep breath, preparing myself for the sharp sting of my body stretching to accommodate him, but it never came. Instead, it was just that incredible fullness and a tremor of pleasure that began in my core and emanated through every last cell. It was the most primal sense of home.

Max held my gaze intently, his thrusts slow and cautious as he gaged my reaction.

“More, Max. I need so much more,” I whispered against his lips, rocking my hips up to meet his and driving him deep inside of me.

That was all the permission he needed. He kissed me hard and set a steady rhythm as my hands explored his broad shoulders and taut back, his muscles straining and his skin hot and smooth under my fingertips.

“God, Liz. You feel absolutely incredible,” he growled against my ear, his thrusts becoming deeper and more deliberate.

I licked and nipped and sucked anywhere my mouth could gain purchase and I wrapped myself around him; nothing felt close enough.

“I’m not coming without you, Liz,” Max said, the strain in his voice betraying his desperation as he snaked a hand between us to tease my clit.

“Max! Oh god!” I cried into the hollow of his shoulder, his unexpected ministrations sending me careening over that well-missed precipice.

I contracted and shuttered around him and he followed me a few short thrusts later, his deep groan muffled against the pillow.

It had been months since we could be so close without a bump to worry about and as heavy as he was, I relished in being able to hold him like that.

“That was…” He panted quietly, pulling back just far enough to rest his forehead against mine.

“I know,” I replied, still trying to catch my own breath. “You have no idea how much I’ve missed this.”

“Oh, I think I have some idea!” He chuckled and I grinned up at him. “I didn’t want to put any pressure on you and I wanted to wait until you were completely ready, but damn am I glad you felt ready!”

“Let’s be honest, Max. If you had some freaky alien powers that could’ve healed everything up right after Gabriel’s arrival, we both know I would’ve been ready the next day!” I laughed. It was no secret I enjoyed our intimacy as much as he did.

“I’ll see what I can do in the future,” he promised and I kissed him gently.

He slipped from my body slowly and my core contracted from the loss. Pressing my thighs together, I groaned. “I’m all sticky!” I lamented; while the lubricant was definitely much appreciated and necessary with all of my hormonal changes, it made an utter mess!

“Don’t move!” Max said, rolling off the bed and heading for the bathroom, slipping on a pair of boxer briefs in the process. I heard the pass through door to Gabriel’s nursery open a few inches followed by the sound of water running. He returned with a damp washcloth as well as a dry towel and a smile on his face.

“He’s still sound asleep,” he said, sitting down beside me. First he washed the milk from my breasts and sternum before gently parting my legs. He ran the warm cloth over my center and down my inner thighs, erasing the mess we’d made and then dried me with the same tenderness.

“You spoil me,” I said, contented exhaustion settling into my bones.

“You deserve it,” he replied, leaning down to kiss my forehead before depositing the towels in the hamper.

“Promise me something, Max,” I said as he settled back into bed and I nestled into him.

“What’s that?” He asked, tucking the covers up around us.

“Promise me that we’ll never lose this. That even when we’re taking a million classes and working a million hours and chasing after a rambunctious little boy, that we’ll always make time to be together. And not just to have sex, though that is obviously very important, but to have these moments where we are just us. The us that we’ve always been. Not parents or students or whatever else. Just the Max and Liz that no one else in the world knows.”

“I promise you, Liz. Whatever comes our way, whatever we face tomorrow or fifty years from now, we will always, always have this. We will always have us. We will always be us.”

And that is a promise he has always managed to keep.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The following week I had my first appointment with Jane since Gabriel’s arrival. I wasn’t quite ready to leave him, but I knew trying to tend to him and have a proper therapy session wouldn’t go all that well, so Max offered to come with me and hang out with Gabe in the waiting room. That way if he needed me, I’d be right around the corner but I might get to have the better part of my appointment uninterrupted.

“Oh my god, Liz, he’s absolutely gorgeous!” Jane gushed when I introduced her to my son. He was fast asleep in his car seat on a chair next to Max. “And Max, it is so wonderful to finally meet you!” She said as they shook hands. “Congratulations to both of you, he’s just perfect!”

“It’s really nice to meet you, too,” Max replied. “I can’t thank you enough for how much you’ve done for our family. Your support really means so much.”

“It’s Liz whose done all of the hard work, I’m just here to facilitate,” Jane said with a warm smile. “Why don’t we head in, Liz?”

I nodded and leaned down to kiss Gabriel’s forehead and then Max’s lips. “If he needs anything…” I began, but Max cut me off with a smile.

“I’ll get you if he blinks wrong, I promise!”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

“So how are you guys adjusting?” Jane asked as we settled in her office.

“Honestly? Far better than I think anyone expected. I was so worried about attachment and bonding issues, but the second I laid eyes on him I fell in love so hard I couldn’t tell you which end is up. I’ve had all of the typical new mother anxieties; is he too hot or too cold? Did he eat enough? Should I wake him or let him sleep? Is he crying because something is seriously wrong? But none of it has been so overwhelming or all-consuming that I can’t function. We’ve also had an incredible amount of help; so much so that sometimes I have to insist that I have time with my own baby!” I laughed and Jane smiled.

“This is so good to hear. As I shared with you while you were pregnant, I definitely had some concerns about your risk for postpartum depression, but I think your support system has made a world of difference,” Jane agreed.

I took a deep breath. “I’m still struggling to come to terms with the fact that my parents will never meet my son,” I said, studying my hands in my lap before forcing myself to meet her uncritical gaze. “I had this…moment in the middle of the night last week. The loss was so raw and the grief so fresh that I just…I just lost it. And it made me realize that it’s never going to hurt any less; it’s just going to hurt less frequently. I wasn’t expecting that.”

“Grief is funny that way,” Jane said, sitting back in her chair. “Everyone lives with it differently; everyone processes it differently. But there’s something I think you neglect to recognize when we have these conversations, Liz. There is a great deal of trauma attached to your parents’ death and therefore attached to your grief. It would have been different if they’d passed from illness or a comorbidity of age. I’m not saying that their loss would’ve been any easier, but it certainly would’ve been more expected and a more logical part of the natural order. You are not only trying to process their deaths, but you are also trying to process how they were taken from you. You weren’t permitted any real closure and that’s going to make the pain of their absence all the more vivid.”

I worried my teeth over my bottom lip, processing Jane’s analysis. “I hadn’t considered that,” I acquiesced. “To be perfectly honest, I haven’t spent much time thinking about how they died, only that they’re gone. I think it’s something that I haven’t been all that ready to come to terms with, if that makes any sense?”

“And why might you think that is?” Jane asked, and I could tell from her expression that I was on the precipice of something important.

“Because…because if I acknowledge that they were murdered, that they were taken from me violently, then I also have to reconcile that there will never be any true closure. Their murderer is dead; my father killed him. He killed him and he still didn’t survive. That’s a lot to swallow. Not only was their last experience on this planet violent, but my father’s last act was an act of violence. Regardless of the justification - and of course it was justifiable - it’s still the cold truth. And there will never be justice; I will never see that man brought before a jury of his peers, I will never get the chance to hear him explain himself or to ask for forgiveness. Not that I necessarily think these things would be significantly better or make any of this easier to process,” I paused, gathering my thoughts.

“If I were religious; if I believed in a god, then I would have the comfort of the belief that he’d already faced the ultimate judgement, that he’d already paid for his sins. But I’m not. I don’t know that I’m truly an atheist, but I certainly don’t believe that there is someone waiting at the pearly gates to admit us or damn us to hell. I don’t know if there’s anything after all of this and if there isn’t, then I also have to accept that my parents were murdered, their murderer is dead, and that is all the justice I will ever have for them. That’s really heavy.”

“It is,” Jane agreed. “And you’re absolutely right; that may be all the justice that you’ll ever get. But something that you can attain, something that you so greatly deserve is peace. Peace in the fact that while you cannot change your circumstances or those surrounding their death, that your life and the life of your family will not be defined by that loss. Peace in the understanding that you are the woman you are today, the mother you are today because of the values they instilled in you. That they will live on through those lessons and those memories. Peace in the knowledge that their absence only hurts so deeply because they loved you so very well. If I give you nothing else in our time together, Liz, I hope I can give you the tools and the space to find that peace.”

Perhaps there was hope for my healing after all.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"It's like...chemical" ~ Liz Parker
keepsmiling7
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Joined: Thu Jun 28, 2007 9:34 pm

Re: Yellow (M/L ADULT): NEW CHAPTER! Ch. 21 3/24/21

Post by keepsmiling7 »

So happy to see your return, but I have to get up to date because I've forgotten what happened earlier.

How I remember those days with a new born, and how tired I was. You described it perfectly. As sad as Liz is over not having her parents with here during this time, I'm glad Max is so supportive and his family too.
They both have wonderful memories of their first time and hope to never get past those feelings.
Now I hope Liz can start her complete healing.

Hope you'll be back soon........but you sure do have a full plate!
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