Running With Scissors (AU CC Teen) A/N 1/4/09 [WIP]

[Assilem_1]

Title: Running with Scissors
Author: Assilem_1 a.k.a. Melissa
Disclaimer: Anything you recognize? Not mine.
Archiving: Please ask before archiving.
Category: Alternate Universe w/ Aliens
Summary: The gang is in college, but home for Thanksgiving and a lot of things are different. For instance, imagine the shooting never happened, so the FBI never came to Roswell. Nasedo never found out the podsters lived in Roswell, so he and Tess never came. And the Skins never showed up because they never set off the orbs . . .
Awards: Winner of Funniest Fanfiction at Roswellfanatics.net (Round 3) and 'Fic that had you snorting and spewing liquid from your nose' at the now defunct Boardello.
Feedback: Yes, please

A/N: Ok kids, prepare to climb in the way-back machine for this one, since I'm reposting in preparation for posting a new part (hopefully) soon . . . This fic got erased in a crazed fit of board pruning eons ago and although I huffed and puffed, I was too lazy to repost before now . . . . . . I have to say since I didn't say it the first time around: Far be it for me to start a story and make the first two chapters exposition, but well . . . Here we go . . . . . . It actually picks up around Part 3 if you stick with it . . . . . .


"Remember, always be yourself. Unless you suck.”
- Joss Whedon


PART 1

Liz’s POV

So my alarm clock went off promptly at 7:15 this morning. So that’s great right? All systems functioning normally and all that?

Well, um no.

It was set for 7:30!

So somebody please tell me why this clock is waking me up 15 frickin' minutes early?!

Grr . . .

And to top it all off, for some insane reason, instead of buzzing or beeping at me, the clock is purring, actually frickin' purring as a wake up sound! When I first woke up, it was so loud and I was so disoriented, I thought I was being digested.

Seriously.

Now if that's not a traumatizing way to wake up, I don't know what is.

And ok, really? What was my Mom smoking when she bought this thing?

Note to self: Fuzzy = evil.

So ok, after this great start with the clock from hell taking me through changes no one should have to go through this early in the morning (if ever), I attempt to get out of bed, but the covers must have a different idea because we tango and I end up in a heap on the floor.

So yeah. Fun!

And then when I finally detangle myself and make it into the kitchen, favoring my right side a little, I discover that all of the coffee is gone.

Yep, that’s right, empty coffee pot where a full one should be.

Isn’t this day shaping up to be grand?

Yes, boys and girls, that is sarcasm. As a matter of fact, I am now declaring today ‘Opposite’s Day,’ which, for all those who haven’t figured it out, means that everything I say today will really be the opposite of what I mean.

Hmm, this should be interesting.

Maybe my day is looking up?

Just then the crazily, insane clock starts purring again from it’s position on the floor where I swatted it to this morning. It now sounds like a really loud drowning cat.

Shudder . . .

Maybe not.

So after dismantling that darn clock and stuffing it in a drawer, I proceed to get ready for my morning shift at the Crashdown downstairs.

For all those who don’t know, the Crashdown is this very cheesy, alien-themed restaurant that my Mom and Dad own. And oh, I just love it to pieces.

Get it? The opposite . . .

So anyway, to fit in with the atmosphere of the restaurant, I don my appropriately cheesy turquoise dress with alien-head apron and antennae on the headband.

Yes, I actually said ‘antennae.’

It’s way outta control.

So I proceed downstairs, hoping to get some actual coffee before my shift.

“Morning chica.”

That’s Maria. My most hated enemy in all the world. She and I rarely speak to each other.

Okay, yeah. The opposite again.

“Liz, are you limping?”

“No.” Yes.

“What happened chica?”

“Well, my covers made a pass at me and when I refused, they tripped me.”

“Poor chica” she says while rubbing my shoulder. “You want some coffee? Your dad mentioned he’d finished the last of what you had upstairs.”

“No, Maria, you know I hate the stuff.” I even grimace to add to the effect.

Maria narrows her eyes and squints at me.

“Wait! Is it ‘National Opposite’s Day’ again this week?” she says exasperatedly.

Ah, my friends know me too well.

“No.” Yes.

She throws her hands up. “Great! Just what I need today! My best friend decides to take a trip to the insane asylum in her head and all of us normal people are left here to fend for ourselves, sane and best friend-less.”

I just stare at her with an eyebrow raised.

“Ok, I’m in” she sighs.

I grin.

You gotta love Maria. This should really make for an eventful day.

In case you don’t know, waitressing on National Opposite Days can get really scary. You know, with the lying to customers and all . . .

Come to think of it, this could be one of the reasons why my Dad hesitated when Maria and I offered to work here during our Thanksgiving break.

Lame, huh? Working at the same place you worked at all through high school during your break from college?

Well, it was mostly convenience really. I mean, who else is gonna hire us to work for just one week? Plus we knew if we came back here, my Dad would feel obligated to pay us more since we are struggling college students and all.

Can you see me? I look appropriately pathetic.

Anyway, yes, Maria and I are home from our sophomore year at the University of New Mexico.

Yep, we’re in college . . . Officially matriculating with the big boys . . .

Huh . . . Why does that just sound wrong?

Anyway . . .

“Here you go.” Maria hands me a steaming cup of coffee.

“Thank you, thank you! Have I told you how much I hate you today?”

“Yeah, yeah, I hate you too” Maria responds.

Confused yet?

I take a sip of my coffee and feel a little more ready to face the day. I even feel the soreness from falling out of my bed subside.

Coincidence?

I think not!

[Assilem_1]

PART 2

Max’s POV


So I’m sitting here in the Crashdown supposedly waiting to order breakfast, but really I’m just hoping for a glimpse of Liz Parker.

Wow, de ja vu.

How many times did I do this in high school? Sit down in this very spot and pretend I was here strictly for the food?

It’s actually pretty ridiculous, I know. At some point I fully intend to get over the paralyzing shyness and the crippling fear of rejection and ask Liz out. I mean, it's been years or whatever but you know, if you compare it to the history of the world, it really hasn't been that long at all . . .

Ok, I know, I'm pathetic.

So what’s the big deal right? Boy meets girl. Boy likes girl. Boy asks girl out, right?

Um, no.

See you take a really shy boy and a really beautiful girl and then throw in a curve ball like the fact that said ‘boy’ is an alien and the story’s not quite so simple.

Yep, I said it. ‘A-li-en.’

Me, my sister Isabel and our best friend, Michael are aliens. Ironic right? Real live aliens in Roswell, New Mexico. I guess you really can find things in the most obvious of places, huh?

Anyway, we don’t know anything about how we came to be here. In fact, the first memory we have is of wandering along the side of the road out in the desert and that was like 13 years ago. We looked like 6 year olds so that’s the age they declared us.

Isabel and I were picked up by our future adoptive parents, the Evans’. But Michael was too scared and wouldn’t join us when we saw headlights, so he wasn’t found till later. He ended up getting shuffled from foster home to foster home until he finally got himself legally emancipated like three years ago.

But for years after being found, we three closed ourselves off to the world, conceding that we were too different to mingle with those around us. And I can’t speak for Isabel and Michael, but for me the self-imposed emotional isolation felt more like a prison every day.

But something happened in high school. Ironically it was Michael who took the first step. When he got emancipated, I guess it actually set him free in other ways too because he started working at the Crashdown as a cook and before either of us knew it, him and Liz’s best friend, Maria, were dating. Isabel and I gave him a hard time about it, but he ignored us. And it’s a good thing he did because from the most unlikely of sources we saw that it was ok. To open ourselves up. To love.

I think Michael finally found his home on this planet when he and Maria got together, although you’d never get him to admit it. But there were just subtle changes in him that only Isabel and I noticed. Like he wasn’t as concerned about answers about where we’d come from after Maria. He was no longer on a quest to find that elusive ‘family’ that he’d so desperately wanted. It seems being with Maria convinced him of the one thing Iz and I never could: that he already had a family right here . . . maybe not by blood, but definitely in heart. So he relaxed. And since he was always the most uptight in our group, we relaxed too.

Now, don’t get me wrong and go thinking that Michael and Maria have this fairy tale romance going on. If anything, they’re more like that War of the Roses movie, with Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner.

Except, you know, without the horrible deaths at the end . . .

Yep, they fight a lot . . . and I do mean a lot. But underneath it all, you can really tell that they love each other. Michael even ended up sharing our secret with Maria and you know what? She didn’t run and tell. She didn’t panic and alert the media. But mostly, she didn’t stop loving Michael. And I think that clinched it for all of us. We knew we were ok after that. Ok to stop standing on the outside watching life pass us by.

So Isabel started dating nonstop. Some serious relationships, some not. And I even dated a little myself.

But no one ever came close to Liz Parker. It seems she’s been in my heart since I first saw her. And every girl I encountered was compared to her and eventually found wanting because, well, because they weren’t her.

Breaking out of my thoughts, I know the second Liz steps into the room. It’s like everything goes into slow motion and my heart skips a beat when she notices me.



Liz’s POV

I step out into the lion’s den (a.k.a. the Crashdown), look around, and stop.

Sitting at a table in my station is none other than Max Evans . . . Ex-high school lab partner, drop dead gorgeous, wanna-jump-his-bones Max Evans . . .

What?

I do.

And that’s actually not the opposite . . . I am soooo bad . . .

“Liz and Ma-ax, sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g” Maria whispers in my ear as she passes by.

Oh yeah, Maria thinks she’s hilarious . . . ha freakin’ ha ha . . .

So I set my coffee cup behind the counter and walk over to his table to take his order. All the while chanting ‘Don’t ask a question, don’t ask a question, don’t ask a question’ in my head.

You know, because of the Opposite’s Day thing.

So inwardly I’m a wreck. Outwardly I say casually “Hey Max.”

Hey, I can be casual. That’s how he never figured out how hard I was crushing on him all those years in high school.

I was so casual they used to call me ‘Casual Liz.’

Ok, no, that just sounds wrong, so nevermind. Anyway ‘don’t ask me a question, don’t . . .’

“Hey Liz, uh, how’s it going?”

Damn.

“Good, good. And you?” Wow, how lame are we? And no I didn’t forget about Opposite’s day. This day has actually been pretty bad so far, so the opposite is true.

Huh?

Oh just whatever.

So I take his order and head over to the pick up window to drop it off, chancing a glance back at Max ‘cause boy is he easy on the eyes!

Hmm . . . Strange . . . If I didn’t know better I’d swear he was just staring at my behind as I walked away. But nah, that couldn’t be, could it?

Anyway, it’s ironic, because in all the time I’ve known Max, he and I have never once hung out.

So why is that ironic you ask? . . . Well, two reasons. One is because his best friend and my best friend have been dating on and off since high school. Yep, this week I think they’re off again. And two, because we all attend the same college.

“You know chica, we need to go out tonight and shake our groove things. What do you say? Alien Oasis tonight?” Maria asks me and she even does a hip bump thing for emphasis.

Laughing, I think about it, running through my head what’s on tv tonight that I would miss if I went out. Hmm, Walker Texas Ranger . . .

How sad is my life that I plan my social calendar around a tv guide? Yep, that decided it.

“Nope, I’m out.” Which means, ‘Yep, I’m in’ in case you’re confused.

“Great, chica. I’ll pick you up at 10!” she squeals at me.

I mean, I can always set the VCR . . .


Max’s POV

Darn, I think she just caught me staring at her behind! I didn’t mean to look. Really I didn’t. The sway in her hips just caught my eye and then I was like transfixed or something.

But wait . . . Did I just hear Maria inviting her out to a dance club tonight?

I’m practically holding my breath waiting for the answer.

I sigh when Liz answers in the negative thinking that if she went out tonight I’d go too.

So wait, if she declined, then how come Maria is so excited and just said she’d pick her up like they’re going?

Weird.

Anyway, to be on the safe side I think I’ll be putting in an appearance at Alien Oasis tonight. I never could resist watching Liz dance.

Besides I can always tape Walker, Texas Ranger.

[Assilem_1]

PART 3

Liz’s POV

Ok, so you wanna know how my day has gone so far? Well, just delightful!

Riiiight. And if you believe that, then I’m also the freakin’ Queen of Idaho.

This day has just gone downhill. The only highlight of course being Max showing up unexpectedly. But he’s gone now and this guy at table 5 is really working my last nerve. He is definitely getting a sneezer in his drink and if he keeps it up he’s gonna get a FOF burger.

What? A fell on the floor burger obviously.

Ok, so yes, that is a little harsh, but you haven’t experienced this guy. I mean, I have been super polite: I have smiled at him. I’ve nodded. I have been a model waitress.

Ok, so fine, even I’m not buying that . . . at least not on Opposite’s Day.

But really, this guy has changed his mind about his order after it has already been placed and then sent it back three times after he got it. The first time he declared he didn’t want onions, the second time he said he wanted cheese and then the third time he complained because it wasn’t hot anymore.

Duh! Send a hot order back twice and that’s what happens.

So ok, for my part, I have had to lie to him, but that’s only because he kept asking questions. I mean sheez!

But, you know, I have been known to actually explain National Opposite’s Day to a customer or two when they’ve been nice to me. But Grumpy guy obviously doesn’t fall into that category.

Will this day never end?

“Hey Liz! How’s it going?”

Ah! A temporary reprieve. That’s my second most hated enemy in all the world, Alex.

Yeah, you guessed it, he’s my other best friend.

“Great Alex, just great!” but I keep the scowl on my face as I say it.

Alex nods and then takes a closer look at my face.

Slowly a look of horror crosses his face.

“Oh dear god, no! It’s not Opposite’s Day again is it?!”

As always, Alex is being way overly dramatic. I think he’d give me the same response if I told him my blue pants are dirty.

See?

‘Dear God, not the blue ones!’ he falls to his knees exclaiming.

Yeah, this whole living in my head thing? Way outta control.

Anyway, at the same moment Alex slips into a booth dreading my answer (I can tell), Maria walks by and says “Hey Alex, we’re not going to Alien Oasis tonight. Wanna not go with us?”

Alex looks back and forth between Maria and I like we’ve each grown an extra head and then “God save of us all from Liz Parker’s twisted mind!” is Alex’s response. Which interprets to ‘Yeah, I’m in.’

See, you gotta use the Alex-filter. The main reason he’s so bothered is because it’s like an unspoken rule with us that we all participate on Opposite’s Day and Alex always gets into major trouble somehow. I don’t know how he does it, but he always manages to get asked at least one question during the day that totally screws him over.

Like, for example, one time on Opposite’s Day, Alex’s parents decided to have the talk with him. You know? The talk. The say no to drugs, always wear a condom, always look both ways talk.

Ok, so Alex had this whole incident crossing the street once . . .

Oh just nevermind!

Anyway, his parents sat down with him and asked him some point blank questions. You know, like if he had ever tried drugs, was he sexually active . . . That kind of thing.

Needless to say, it went disastrously and I ended up having to go over there the next day and straighten it out for him since they wouldn’t listen to him after he answered yes to all their questions.

You’d think he’d just cave and tell the truth one of those times. It’s not like Maria and I would circle around him and chant ‘Broke the code, broke the code’ or anything.

But that’s Alex for you. When he does something, he doesn’t do it halfway.

“Don’t be here at 10” Maria tells him as she passes.

See? Even she knows he’s coming with us.


Alex’s POV

I hang my head and shudder.

Yes, I know. To the casual observer it may appear that I’m taking this Opposite’s Day thing way too hard. But see, you guys don’t get it. I always, and I do mean always, get into trouble on these days.

Like there was the time Isabel Evans asked me for a ride home and I had to say no. Or the time the water fountain went haywire and Pam Troy asked if I’d gone to the bathroom on myself and I had to say yes. And don’t even get me started on that day my parents decided to have The Talk with me!

Opposite’s Day should be renamed to “National Screw Alex Over Day” because that’s essentially what happens.

I don’t know how Maria and Liz manage to get away without any major damage, but they do. It’s always only me that gets into awful situations.

So why do I continue to participate you ask?

Well, because they’re my best friends. We’re a group, a unit, a team, so where they go, so too will I. Besides, never let it be said that Alex Charles Whitman was too chicken to do something.

Ok, you got me. Maria scares the crap out of me and I’m afraid she’d beat me up.

Okay, I said it! Are you happy now?

Great, now I really feel miserable. Time for an alien smoothie I guess. In fact, make that a double.

It’s gonna be a long day . . .


Liz’s POV

So Alex has been sulking over Opposite’s Day all day. So much so that I’m actually happy when he leaves to go get changed for the club.

I head upstairs to scan my closet for an outfit to wear. Eventually coming up with a pair of form-fitting black pants and a red midriff-baring halter top. I curl my hair a little, but otherwise leave it hanging loose around my shoulders. I apply the barest amount of makeup because I’m only gonna sweat it off anyway.

“Where’s Alex?”

I turn to look at Maria who has just burst unceremoniously into my room and discover that she is wearing black form-fitting pants and a halter top too. We’re almost like twins.

Great minds think alike right? Or is it that fools seldom differ?

Oh just nevermind! Anyway . . .

“Alex is right over there” I point to an indiscriminate point in the room. “Don’t you see him? Oh yeah” I smack my forehead “I forgot he’s invisible today!”

Maria just rolls her eyes at me and pushes me over in the mirror so she can check her makeup and hair.

“Hey ladies! Are we not going to the club or what?”

Alex appears, smiling at my open bedroom door. And doesn’t he look sharp.

“Wow Alex, you aren’t going to break any hearts tonight” I comment.

Alex looks at me smug but blushes a little.

Awww, he is sooo cute.

“Ok, let’s get this show on the road!” Maria announces and we trail her to her car.

Fifteen minutes later and we are at the club.

I got what you need boy
Baby I do
And I will only cause you pain
Yeah, I promise that I
I got what you need boy
Baby I do
But I will only bring on the rain

My hips are already swaying to the sounds of Nelly Furtado’s “I got what you need.”

Maria and Alex follow me as I take up residence on the side of the dance floor and begin to dance.

I gyrate my hips while slowly trailing my hand down my body. Then I dip a little and do it again.

See, this is what it’s all about for me. I love to dance. It’s like my way of releasing pent-up energy and frustration. And after the day I’ve had today . . .

Well, let’s just say I have a lot to dance about . . .


Maria’s POV

And so it begins . . .

Liz is doing it again. Whenever we go out dancing, she just gets caught up in the music and everything ceases to exist for her.

I suggested we go out because I knew we both needed a break. And ok, because I knew Max was sitting over in the booth and I hoped he’d pass on the message to Michael that we were going out tonight.

Yes, I know I’m evil. But I miss Michael. We’ve been not speaking to each other for 4 days now and I am so ready for it to be over.

Uh-oh. I see some guys already eyeing Liz and I to ask us to dance.

And see? This is the problem with Opposite’s Day. When you are in a club, all the guys that you want to answer ‘no’ to when they ask you to dance? You have to answer ‘yes’ to. So Liz and I have come up with 2 solutions to this problem. One is we answer yes and then run away. Or . . . We run off before they finish asking the question. Obviously it’s not a foolproof system and the running is tiring, but hey it’s all we could come up with!

Now see this is less of an issue for Liz because when she starts dancing she goes into her own little world and just gives in to the music and all the guys get really intimidated by her. So what usually happens is she gets a mini-crowd around her that she doesn’t even notice of guy admirers that are too scared to interrupt her.

Me? They don’t have a problem bothering.

“Come on Alex, let’s dance.” I say and pull Alex onto the floor.

And now you see why I invited Alex. You know, besides the best friend thing . . .


Liz’s POV

I can feel all of the stress of the day just draining away. The purring clock, the lack of coffee, grumpy guy . . . All fading away . . .

It’s amazing what dancing does for me. It is truly cathartic.

“Hey Lizzie.”

Wow, whoever this is, they are seriously ruining my dance buzz.

I open my eyes and who do I see but brief-ex number 3. None other than Maria’s cousin, Sean ‘What-the-heck-was-I-thinking-when-I-dated-him?’ Deluca.

Ok, freeze frame.

Isn’t this some crap? I haven’t even been out 15 minutes and I bump into him of all people! It’s freakin’ fantastic is what it is. (Sarcasm there if you missed it.)

It’s crap. It’s fantastic. It’s craptastic is what it is.

And that, boys and girls, is the birth of a word.

Anyway, here’s the brief rundown on Sean.

We dated for like 2 seconds during my junior year in high school. I say, 2 seconds because that’s how long it took me to get over my adolescent crush on him once I actually got to know him.

For all those who don’t know, the whole bad boy thing is way overrated.

I mean, our dates were disastrous. For our first date, Sean took me to the movies. Doesn’t seem that bad right?

Wrong!

He actually told me to make sure I ate first because he didn’t want to have to spring for dinner.

Can you say ‘cheap’ boys and girls?

But hey, teenage crush . . . stars in the eyes. So I forgave him for that and I even ate beforehand.

The next time, after feeling bad about our first date I guess, he actually took me to dinner first. But get this . . . he took me to the Crashdown.

Classy huh? Taking a girl to the place she works for dinner?

But wait it gets worse. He actually asked me to go and get our food when the waitress was taking too long to bring it to us. Then he wanted to dine-and-dash until I reminded him that my family owned the restaurant.

And then, after dinner, he actually was getting ready to break into a bowling alley, so that we could do something called ‘Lane Walking.’

And that’s where I drew the line.

I mean, I’m great, I’m cool, I’m down. But I am not into committing felonies . . . at least not on a school night. So he takes me home. But what clenched it for me was the end-of-the-night kiss. It was, in a word, dis-gust-ing. I mean, both his lips were on the outside of mine, there was all this extra saliva, and I think I swallowed a piece of pickle.

Ewwww.

That kiss still haunts me to this day. Much like Sean himself. Which brings us back to now.

And we now rejoin our regularly scheduled program, already in progress . . .

“ . . . so I spotted you over here and just thought I’d come over and bless you with my presence.” Yes people, he actually said that. And now he’s looking at me with this You-know-you-want-me smile.

My god. The horror!

And he’s about to speak again. Only god knows what’s gonna come out of his mouth, and I sooo don’t want to hear it. Plus you can bet that at some point he’s gonna ask me to dance. And so here’s the point where it being Opposite Day really sucks . . . I can’t say no. So I’m looking for a scapegoat here . . . Somebody, anybody, to rescue me from this situation.

And I see him . . . Max!


Max’s POV

So Michael and I have been here since about 9:45. I told Michael that Maria would possibly be here, which convinced him to come. He’d never admit it but I can tell he misses her.

He wandered off somewhere so I’m standing at the bar hoping that Liz shows up. They start playing this Nelly Furtado song that I really like and just then I see Liz, Alex and Maria come in. Liz immediately drags them over to the side of the dance floor and she starts to dance. It really is a spectacular site. She has this amazingly sensual way that her body moves. It’s hypnotizing really. And I guess the thing that really makes it amazing is she is completely unaware of how captivating she is. She just closes her eyes and gives in to the music.

I could watch her forever.

But wait, is that Sean ‘Shouldn’t-be-anywhere-near-her’ Deluca walking over to her? Yep, it is and she really doesn’t look happy to see him. In fact she’s starting to look around. And I should really stop looking now before she catches me. Yep, now would be a good time to stop looking. Uh huh, any day now I’m gonna stop. And just as I was getting ready to look away (what? I was!) she looks right at me and then looks relieved.

Wait, is she signalling to me? There must be someone standing behind me. I look. Nope, no one behind me. She’s really waving at me now.

Well, Max Evans at your service!


Liz’s POV

Ok, so I’m signalling to this guy like a mad woman and still he’s looking around like I’m trying to get someone else’s attention. If I didn’t know better, I’d think he was slow.

Anyway . . . Time for some serious acting . . .

“Max, honey, when did you get here?” I coo.

Max looks at me like I’m insane, but hey I’m trying to make a point here. Sean is looking between Max and me suspiciously.

“Sean, I don’t know if you two have met. Max this is Sean, Sean this is Max . . . my boyfriend.”

Silence. Complete and utter silence. Which is hard to imagine in a club, but that’s what I heard. Nothing. Sean looks like someone just stole his favorite doll, sorry action figure! And Max is looking at me like I have officially lost it. But I cuddle closer to him and shoot him pleading glances.

“Oh, hey Mark, how’s it going?”

Ooh Sean real mature, screwing up his name. What are we 12 year olds?

“It’s Max and I’m fine.”

Max says this as he puts his arm around me possessively.

Can you say ‘luvvvin’ it!’ boys and girls? Max actually has his arm around me! Small town Liz Parker! Yeah, we’re pretending, but still!

“Anyway, Sam was it? We’re gonna head out to the dance floor. It was nice meeting you” Max says.

Yeah, apparently we are 12 year olds.

Max leads me out to the dance floor and pulls me closer. I vaguely hear Sean mutter something that sounds like “It’s Sean you bastard”, but I’m not really sure . . . Nor do I really care. Did I mention that Max Evans is holding me right now?

I can die a happy woman.

If possible, Max actually pulls me closer and whispers in my ear “What was that about?”

Can you see me? No? Well, that’s because I have officially melted into a puddle at Max Evan’s feet.

“Um.Sean.Ex.Bad.”

Yup, that’s what I said. Full sentences are apparently not my friend right now.

How embarrassing!

Max looks at me funny, but only says “Yeah, well he’s still looking so we’d better keep up the act.”

“Um hmm” is my response.

Yup, no full sentences for Liz Parker. In fact I think my brain has officially shut down.

Did I mention how great he smells?

Wow.

Thank you Sean!


Max’s POV

I am officially in heaven right now. I’m holding Liz Parker close and it is exquisite. Correction: She is exquisite. And did I mention her hair smells like strawberries?

I can die a happy man now.

I could hug Sean right now for putting me in this situation! In fact, I wonder if I can keep him around all the time so me and Liz always have to be close?

No, but seriously, you know what? Now that I’ve held her in my arms, I might not be able to let her go.

Think she’ll have a problem with that?

I gather her a little bit closer.

Well, we’ll have to work on that.

[Assilem_1]

Part 4

Liz’s POV

So the strangest thing happened to me this morning. I was having this amazing dream about . . . Who else? Max Evans!

He was holding me close and we were standing on the beach beside the ocean. The waves were lazily lapping against the shore, but we were completely focused on each other.

We were standing locked in an embrace so tight I could feel his heart beating against mine . . .

Romantic huh?

Well, just wait, it gets better!

So we’re standing there holding each other close and vaguely I notice that Sean is over by a palm tree sulking. Now why was Sean there? . . . I don’t know and really I couldn’t care less . . . And the whole palm tree thing? I don’t know, I guess we were in Florida.

Stop picking apart my dream!

Anyway, as I was saying! . . .

I look up at Max, he looks down at me and then his eyes shift to my lips. My breath catches in my throat and my lips unconsciously part. Max starts leaning closer and closer. And just when I think our mouths are about to meet, he veers to my ear and I am in complete heaven as he begins to whisper sweet nothings to me . . .

But ok, this is where the dream gets weird . . . In the midst of this incredibly romantic and incredibly sensual scene, suddenly Max starts purring at me . . .

Yup, you heard me . . . the man actually purred!

And this wasn’t just a normal purr . . . Oh no, this was a deranged, somebody’s-killing-my-cat-please-make-them-stop purr.

So my eyes pop open only to discover that Max is no longer standing there . . . I look all around for him and that’s when I notice the cat drowning in the ocean . . .

Just then I jerk awake only to discover . . . Guess what? The Fuzzy clock is haunting me from the grave . . . or rather, the drawer . . .

Apparently I should have unset it before I dismantled it yesterday because it still decided to wake me up this morning. Drowning cat sounds and all.

Hence the whole Max-purring incident . . .

Darn clock.

So I snuggle back into my covers, just revelling in the remains of my dream . . .

Three words . . . A-maz-ing . . .

And the fuzzy clock hasn’t even made me upset. Isn’t that weird? I mean yesterday I hated the thing . . . Actually yesterday, I wanted it to suffer and die . . . And it did cause me to dream about Max purring at me.

But somehow today I can’t even be upset . . . In fact, today I’m actually finding the clock . . . cute . . .

Yup, I said it. I think the darn thing is cute.

And no, today is not Opposite’s Day again.

It’s just that between that dream and last night at Alien Oasis, I am just totally buzzing off the Max-ness . . .

Yes, that’s my new phrase . . .

Anyway . . . You want to know what happened, don’t you?

Well . . . Max and I danced the night away. What with me “spotting” Sean at various times during the night, it pretty much guaranteed that Max couldn’t wander far.

Sneaky, huh?

Well, I prefer to think of it as . . . Crafty . . .

Maria skipped out with Michael early, so Alex and I got a ride home with Max. And after dropping Alex off, when Max dropped me off, he gave me a huge hug.

Sigh.

Last night was a dream come true.

Ok, drowning cat is starting to become a little annoying now.

So I remove the batteries from the only compartment still pretty much intact and the purring finally stops. Next, I get ready to get out of bed and apparently the covers aren’t feeling flirty today ‘cause I actually make it out without incident.

I head to the kitchen and would you believe it?

Coffee!

For me?

I pick up the coffee pot and bow gracefully. “Yes, um, I’d like to thank the Academy . . .” (because everyone always thanks the Academy) “ . . . Um, my best friends, Maria and Alex . . . my parents . . . and last but not least . . . Max Evans, the best fake boyfriend a girl could have . . .”

“Lizzie, did you say something?” my Dad asks as he walks past the kitchen.

I hastily put down the coffee pot. “Um, no Dad, just yawning. See?” and I even fake a yawn to show him.

He looks at me funny, but keeps going.

Yeah, I know. The yawn demonstration was a little much, but hey I never claimed to be good under pressure.

You all remember the ‘Sean.Ex.Bad.’ comment, right?

Ok, enough said.

So anyway, I go back into my room, cup of coffee in hand, and get ready for my shift.

That’s when I realize I’m humming.

Yes, I, Elizabeth Parker ‘Queen-of-the-Damned-bad-mood’ am actually humming! And what am I humming you ask? Well it’s ‘Crash Into Me’ by Dave Matthews Band. The first song me and Max danced to last night.

Looking at my watch, I see I have a few minutes, so I wander downstairs to find Maria, hoping we can have a gabfest before our shift. But Maria’s nowhere to be found. Just as I sigh resignedly and take another sip of my coffee, Hurricane Deluca comes rushing in.

“Oh chica! What a night I had!” She heads over to the lockers and begins stuffing her things inside. “So after I left you and Alex at the club, Michael and I head to my Mom’s place for some serious make-up lovin’ right? . . .”

“Ooh ‘Ria, too much information!” I say with a grimace. Wow, now I’m gonna have to boil my ears. I mean, Michael naked? That’s just wrong!

“No, chica, it’s ok ‘cause nothing happened. We headed to my house, but when we got there . . . You know how my Mom and Jim were supposed to be at his place? Well they apparently changed their minds and moved the party to our house. We heard them in my Mom’s room and the sounds I heard Lizzie! I thought my ears were gonna melt off. I mean, I actually heard Sheriff Valenti growl! Growl Lizzie!”

“Oh.Dear.God. The imagery! . . . And now . . . yep . . . I’m traumatized. Feel better now Maria? Now that my imagination has gone on strike?”

“Oh chica, I’m sorry. I just had to tell someone who could sympathize.” Maria rubs my shoulder, steals my coffee and keeps on talking! “Michael was no help at all. In fact, he thought the whole thing was funny! When I dropped him off at Max’s he was still laughing. And me! I was so tempted to not even go back in there. I even thought about sleeping in the car! But I decided hey, they’re parents, they should feel ashamed right? So I walk in making as much noise as possible so they know I’m home. And it immediately gets quiet. Then my Mom comes out and I give her this little girl lost routine . . . you know, the wide eyes and rubbing my face and I ask her what’s going on. Lizzie, she was so embarrassed she fixed me a snack and I don’t think old Jim got anymore all last night!”

At this, Maria is obviously pleased, but me, yep, still traumatized. In fact it’s a good thing my imagination has deserted me because I think that one would haunt me for awhile.

“Anyway, what was going on with you and Maxy? You guys looked extremely co-zy last night . . .” she trails off hopefully.

Now before, I was more than willing to share details . . . But now? . . . After the trauma? I don’t think so! It’s payback time now . . .

“Oh rest assured Maria, Jim and Amy were the only ones getting it on last night” I say and smile sweetly.

“Ooh, low blow Lizzie, low blow” she says but lets the subject of Max and I go for now.

“But who knows” I say, pushing through the breakroom doors to the Crashdown while looking back at her. “Give me some time and maybe I can convince him to be Tarzan to my Jane.”

Maria pretends to be shocked and smacks my arm.

But me, oh no, I’m frozen because who’s sitting at table 4 with a puzzled look on his face? Yep, you guessed it . . . Tarzan-to-be himself: Max.

Maria smirks then pushes past me saying “Oh didn’t I tell you? Max and Michael were parking when I pulled in.”

Mortified.

That’s me in one word. In fact, if there’s a higher power up there at all, he’ll create a hole in this floor and swallow me up right now. I look down hopefully, but nope, no hole.


Max’s POV

Ok, so is it just me or are the birds singing extra loud and the sun shining especially bright this morning?

Ok, yeah, maybe it’s just me.

I just feel so great this morning. I got to hold the girl of my dreams in my arms a number of times last night. And it was beyond anything I ever imagined. Then when I took her home? I got to hold her again!

So now I know. The next best thing to being Liz Parker’s boyfriend?

Being Liz Parker’s Fake boyfriend!

The only thing that kinda screwed up my evening was getting home and Michael telling me this awful story about Sheriff Valenti and Maria’s mom ‘getting it on.’

Ewww.

Now why he’d think I’d want to hear about that, I don’t know. Believe me, that’s one story he could have taken with him to the grave.

Anyway, Michael and I are at the Crashdown right now waiting for our girls to show themselves.

What?

I can think of her as ‘My girl.’ It’s my mind, right?

So anyway, Michael is going on and on about some monster truck rally, but I’m only pretending to listen because I spy Liz and Maria coming out of the breakroom.

But wait. Did I just hear Liz say something about ‘Tarzan to her Jane’?

What does *that* mean? Who does she want to be ‘Tarzan’?

And why is she just standing there staring at the floor?


Liz’s POV

Ok, so I figure I have 3 options:

1) Continue standing here, waiting for that elusive hole to open up and swallow me. (Hey, it could happen!)

2) Run back inside the breakroom and stay there till they leave. (The hole is most likely to appear where no one will see it anyway, right?)

Or

3) Pretend like it never happened and laugh the whole thing off like it was nothing.

Guess what option I chose?

No, it’s not 2, although running away at this point is very appealing.

I choose Door #3: Denial.

Yes, boys and girls, it’s not just a river in Egypt.

So with cheeks flaming, I follow Maria over to their table. Michael is focused on Maria, but Max is still looking at me curiously.

“So, um, hey Liz! Did I hear you say something about ‘Tarzan’?”

Yep, that was good old Maxie. Couldn’t just let it drop, could he?

Yeah, well, I’m not telling. Did’ja really think I would?

So, red face and all, I say “Oh, just girl talk” and glance at Maria meaningfully.

She takes the hint and looks at me, nods and says “Yup, you said it Lizzy. We always talk about um, pillow fights, nail painting and . .” she gulps “Tarzan and Jane. Yup, uh huh.”

Ok, so obviously Maria is worse under pressure than I am, but hey, I’ll take it! . . . The question is, will Max?

I look at him under my lashes and if possible, he looks even more confused (wonder why?) . . . But I guess he decided to drop it because he’s now just staring at his menu like he’s never eaten here before.

And all I can think is ‘Whew, close one.’

Anyway, I take their orders as Maria and Michael fawn all over each other. Notice Michael didn’t even question the whole Tarzan/Jane thing?

She’s trained him well.

Speaking of training . . .

“Get a room” I toss over my shoulder as I head to drop off their orders. I mean really, PDA’s are sooo last night.

You know, between me and Max?

I am soooo bad . . .

I wonder what he’d look like in animal skin? . . .

[Assilem_1]

Part 5


Max’s POV

So it’s early afternoon, and I’m still here at the Crashdown.

Michael took off with Maria like an hour ago, yet here I continue to sit, ordering things so that it’s not extremely obvious I’m just hanging around.

‘Why?’ you ask.

Well, it’s all part of Operation ‘Become-Liz’s-Real-Boyfriend.’ BLRB for short (pronounced Blurb).

Yup, I have a plan.

It has facets, levels, and intrigue.

Ok, maybe not intrigue, but it sounded good right?

Well, the first part of my plan consists of always being around. I mean, I’m hoping if Liz sees me enough, I’ll grow on her like a jingle.

You know like By Mennen but instead it’ll be Max-Evans

Did you hear it?

Well, I think it’s catchy.

At least, I hope it is.

So the second part of my plan is, well, it’s us getting together . . .

Ok, I admit it.

It’s a pretty shoddy plan.

I haven’t even figured out how to get from part 1 to part 2, but I’m pretty sure it’s in there somewhere.

Ok, so maybe my plan doesn’t have facets and levels and definitely not intrigue. It has a facet and a level. But really, give me a break!

I haven’t exactly had time to plan and such.

Michael has been around alternately talking about Maria, the goings-on at Maria’s house last night, or the Monster Truck Rally.

He’s really not good for the thinking process.

But at least I have a plan, which is more than I ever formulated before.

I heard this speaker on tv last night and he said this thing . . . What was it? . . . ‘This is the first day of the rest of your life . . .’

Good motto, huh?

Well, my life from now on is gonna include lots of Liz Parker.

BLRB!

Oh! I got it! The second part of my plan can be subliminal messaging!

I’ll say things that’ll seep into Liz’s subconscious so that she’ll realize that she wants to be with me!

Speaking of which . . .

“Max-Evans” I say in a singsong voice under my breath as Liz walks by.

She looks at me a little funny, but she keeps going.

Okay, maybe I should rethink my plan . . .


Liz’s POV

Okay, so did I just hear Max sing his name as I passed by his table?

Nah, I must be hallucinating, right?

Just another side effect of being in Max’s presence for any extended amount of time. I had forgotten what it was like.

Last night was just a glimpse, but today Max has been here for most of the day.

It’s intoxicating.

And he seems perfectly comfortable hanging out even though Michael left awhile ago. Every time I check to see if he wants the check he orders a refill on his alien smoothie.

But hey! I’m not complaining!

Max has made an otherwise uneventful day, de-light-ful.

“Liz, I’m gonna head out” Max says, as if on cue.

I try not to look disappointed as I turn to look at him and say “Oh?”

“Yeah, I promised my Mom I’d help out with some stuff before we head back to school tomorrow, so I should, um, go” he says, scratching behind his ear in that adorable way he has.

He is soooo cute!

Ok, Focus, Liz, Focus!

“Um, ok, Max, let me get your check.”

I ring him up and he heads out. I watch him as he gets into his jeep. He gives me a little wave and then he drives off.

Max-Evans

Hmm, kinda catchy.


~~~~~


Liz’s POV

So ok, is it too dramatic for me to say ‘Hey guys, you’ve been great! I’m going home!’ and then leave?

Because that’s totally what I want to do right now. I can just sense that my day has already hit it’s high point.

The bell over the Crashdown door rings.

I look up and Oh joy! It’s Sean “Kiss-of-Death” Deluca sauntering in.

See?

I knew I shoulda left when I had the chance.

And of course, he’s headed straight towards me.

Sigh.

Where’s a fake boyfriend when you need him?

Anyway, Sean settles down at a table and says “Hey Parker.”

I barely mumble “hey” back, but he doesn’t seem to notice as his eyes slowly travel down my body.

And me?

I feel naked.

Anybody got an overcoat?

Or an anvil?

His eyes travel back up and pause on my boobs as he places his order. Finally he looks up at my face and says cockily “So . . . you and that Mack guy . . . Are you exclusive?”

Ugh! The nerve of this guy! And the whole getting Max’s name wrong thing?

Totally tired. Seriously.

I fold my arms over my chest and say “Sean, you know that’s not his name. And yeah, we’re exclusive.”

Sigh . . . If only . . .

Anyway, Sean looks at me frustratedly (What? The ogling-me thing didn’t work?) and changes his order to to-go.

I take it to the order window and thank god for small favors.

At this point, I notice that Alex has wandered in and of course when Sean sees him, he proceeds to greet him with “Hey Alice” and pats Alex on the back.

Did I mention that Sean is not a 12 year old?

He sure acts like one though, right?

Alex says sarcastically “Ha ha Sean. Yeah, that never gets old.”

Then Alex turns to me, winks and says “Dumbass says what.”

“What?” Sean says.

“Exactly” Alex replies.

I giggle.

You really gotta love Alex.

Sean, realizing that he has probably become the brunt of some joke, gathers his to-go order, half-heartedly smirks at me one last time, and then departs, leaving me and Alex laughing in his wake.

I don’t think Sean could get out of here quick enough.

When you can’t find a fake boyfriend, sometimes a best friend’ll do, I think as I pat Alex on the back affectionately.

“Liz” Alex turns to me and says “Who’s Mack?”


Alex’s POV

So I had been having such a good day today that I refused to have it ruined just because of Sean.

Yesterday had to have gone down in history as the first day Alex Charles Whitman didn’t get burned on Opposite’s Day. Granted I kept to myself and didn’t say much, but still . . . It’s the beginning of a new trend!

But keeping my cool was hard because I really, really, really hate Sean.

Yeah, I know, it’s a lot of ‘really’s’ right?

Well, I do.

Let’s see . . .

How much do I hate Sean . . . Let me count the ways.

Well, the calling me ‘Alice’ thing never really endeared him to me.

Then the countless noogies, wedgies, and atomic wedgies he inflicted on me when we were younger definitely didn’t help raise his popularity level with me.

But then after Liz dumped him, he kept harassing her. I mean, anyone with eyes could tell she wasn’t interested anymore, but Sean? Apparently he walks around with permanent blinders on.

And that’s where I come in.

And see this is the one thing about Sean that you gotta love. He’s just such a perfect target. No one ever accused this guy of being smart. In fact, sometimes I think a visit to Oz might be in order to get this guy a brain.

I mean really.

Some of the stuff that comes out of his mouth is just, what was the word Liz made up? Crapilicious? . . . No . . . Crapabulous? . . . No . . . Craptastic! . . .

Yeah, that’s it! . . .

Some of the stuff that comes out of Sean’s mouth is just craptastic.

But anyway, it was weird hearing Liz telling Sean that her and some ‘Mack’ guy were exclusive. How could Liz have been seeing some guy and I, one of her best friends, not know about it?

“No, Michael, I don’t want to hear anymore. You’ve known about my performance for weeks now and you wanna cancel because of some stupid truck thing?!?” Maria said outraged as she came barreling into the Crashdown with a frustrated-looking Michael on her heels.

Uh-oh, looks like Hurricane Deluca is about to blow, I’ll have to get back to Liz later, right now I need to run for cover . . .


Maria’s POV

I am soooo mad at Michael Guerin right now!

I mean, I asked Liz to cover for me while he and I had some private time alone, right? . . . So things were going great, we were, um . . . making up and everything . . .

But then after my Michael-induced haze started to wear off, it finally registered what he had been saying about some monster truck thingy coming up next weekend.

So, yeah, I know, it doesn’t sound like a big deal, right?

Well, it wouldn’t be, except this truck thing is the same day that I’m performing with Alex’s band. And Michael absolutely promised he would be there since he’s missed so many of my performances over the years. And I had this new song I was gonna dedicate to him and everything.

But this guy so does not deserve a song.

What he deserves is a swift kick in the-

“Maria . . .”

“No, don’t even bother Michael. We are soooo broken up for the rest of the day! Now go away!!”

Michael looks at me, scowls and turns on his heel and stomps out of the Crashdown.

Ugh!!!!


Liz’s POV

So it looks like Maria and Michael are at it again. I swear those two fight and break up like every other day.

Case in point . . .

“No, don’t even bother Michael. We are soooo broken up for the rest of the day! Now go away!!”

See? I told ya.

Do you know, they actually broke up once over a pillow-fight gone wrong?

Seriously.

I think the zipper poked Michael in the eye or something and he got mad.

So see? This is a normal occurrence.

Now, when Maria came stalking in, Alex immediately slid into a booth and hid behind a menu.

Basically we, as Maria’s best friends, have learned to get out of the way when her and Michael are fighting. Otherwise you just get caught in the crossfire and that’s never pretty.

Maria stalks past me and plops angrily onto a stool.

Alex lowers his menu, glances tentatively at Maria and then looks at me. I look back at him and whisper “So what do we do now?”

Alex grins and says “Why the same thing we do every night Pinky. Try to take over the world . . . ”

Sigh.

Alex is so not helpful.

[Assilem_1]

A/N: Thanks for the welcome omwf! . . . I've been off wandering in other fandoms, but I couldn't abandon my Roswell fics even if I wanted to . . . The characters still wander around in my head like, hey {knocking}, we're still in here! . . . . . . So yeah, no worries . . . It may take me awhile between posts but this story has a bunch more parts coming before I'm finished with it . . . I'm gonna continue to get this thing posted and maybe get a new part up by . . . the weekend maybe? . . . {crossing fingers} . . . And in the wake of that pronouncement, here's more reposting:



Part 6

Alex’s POV

“Alex” Liz says “You’re so not helpful.”

“Fine” I say. I mean, I can be helpful. Maria’s just a little upset, no big deal . . .

So I mentally square my shoulders, don an appropriately sympathetic expression, and utter the 3 scariest words in the English language.

No, not ‘I love you’ or ‘I hate you’ or even ‘I’ll kill you.’

No, I say “I’m going in” . . . and I head towards Maria.

I mean, sure, I’m a little nervous, but who wouldn’t be, right? . . . This is Hurricane Deluca we’re talking about . . .

So, shaking hands? . . . Check! . . . Knocking knees? . . . Check! . . . Queasy stomach? . . . Checkity, check check check!

Ok, so are you getting the point here?

Maria angry is absolutely terrifying.

But, hey, I’m a man . . . In fact, I’m a manly man . . . I am not ruled by my fear . . . In fact, I laugh in the face of fear!

Don’t believe me?

See?

‘Ha!’

Yeah, well whatever, at least I’m still walking towards her . . .

Um, is it getting hotter in here? ‘Cause I’m sweating like a pig over here!

So I continue my journey into the eye of the storm and . . . Ok, I’d swear I just passed a sign that said ‘Abandon hope, all ye who enter here’ . . . But, you know, I could be hallucinating . . .

I glance back at Liz, but she’s pretending to be Bennitt . . .

You know . . . ‘My name is Bennitt and I’m not in it’ . . .

Yeah, whatever.

Anyway, I keep going, but man, is it a long walk to the counter!

I finally get to Maria . . . and she ignores me . . .

Why did I say I would do this again? I have nothing to prove!

Gulp.

“Uh, hey Maria.” I finally manage to get out of my extremely parched throat.

Maria glares at me and waits.

I just kinda blink at her.

I mean, hey, it took the whole walk up here to come up with that!

Yeah, well you try it.

So while I’m searching around for something better to say, Maria repeats “ ‘Hey Maria’, that’s what he says to me . . . “ she throws her hands up and talks to the ceiling. “ ‘Hey Maria’ . . . Not ‘Michael’s a jerk, you could do better’, or even ‘How can I help Maria?’ . . . No! I get ‘Hey Maria’!” and she raises a finger and points it at me.

Oh.Dear.God. Not the finger!

Poke.

See and this is the thing about Maria . . .

Poke.

When she gets mad, she doesn’t hit or slap . . .

Poke.

She pokes.

We haven’t gotten to the part of the program where she gets all sad yet. We’ve just passed stage one, anger, and moved on to stage 2, poking, which eventually leads to stage 3, crying.

Which once again begs the question of why am I here? I mean, I can totally do the 3rd stage, I’ve done the 3rd stage. It usually involves kleenex, ice cream, and chick flicks.

Stupid, stupid Alex!

And the first sign of dementia?

Referring to yourself in the third person.

Or maybe it’s just talking to yourself. Who knows? I mean, here I am, getting poked to death, what do I know?

Speaking of which . . . I grab Maria’s poking finger. And I start to tickle her. I mean, anything to stop the poking. I mean, I’m not sure if you can die from poking but I really don’t want to find out.

Hence, the tickling.

Maria tries to stay angry, but she can’t resist the tickle-meister, so she starts laughing . . . and when she finally stops, her face immediately crumbles and she throws herself into my arms crying “Alex, he’s gonna miss my performance!”

Ah, the 3rd stage. I can so handle this.

Just call me Alex, the quicker-picker-upper.

Bring on the ice cream!


Liz’s POV

So it looks like Alex has just become a victim of the pok-e-monster.

I don’t know what he was thinking approaching Maria when she was still in her anger phase. We both know that’s a big no-no.

But somehow Alex always gets himself into these situations. You’d think by now that he’d just stay away until she made it to the crying phase. I personally have managed to avoid the second phase ever since junior year when I ended up with a bruise.

Hard lessons.

Anyway, since then I just wait it out and try to remain inconspicuous . . . Like right now I’m doing my impression of a waitress . . . Yeah, yeah, I know, I am a waitress! . . . Shh! . . . Anyway, a waitress who’s too busy to pay attention to things around me . . . Yup, that’s me, busy-bee Liz . . . La, la, la . . .

Yes, I did just go ‘la, la, la’ . . .

Movin’ on!

I hear giggling and look up from my studiously wiping the already clean table to see Alex tickling Maria.

Well, that’s one way to stop the poking . . .

And there she blows . . .

We have officially reached phase 3, boys and girls . . . Waterworks.

I hope there’s enough ice cream . . .

~~~~


Liz’s POV

And this day just goes on . . . and on . . . and on . . .

And it totally makes no sense because everyone knows that there’s nothing left to do but go home . . . I mean, let’s review:

The day started with the sexy-turned-weird dream thingy where Max ended up purring at me, then we had the very-traumatic growling Sheriff story, then the oh-so-embarrassing Tarzan/Jane comment, then the tragedy of Sean stopping by, and then last, but not least, the fear brought on by Hurricane Deluca . . .

And now we’re all caught up . . .

So see? . . . Nothing more to see here, let’s go home!

The bell over the door rings and who walks in?

Kyle “Ex-number-2” Valenti.

God, what is this?

I can almost hear the announcer . . .

‘Liz Parker! *This* is your life!’

Now, if Craig Spence from 8th grade comes in, I’m leaving!

“Hey beautiful” Kyle says to me.

Ok, so fine, maybe it’s not all bad. I mean, Kyle isn’t terrible or anything. In fact, he’s the only ex that I can stand to bump into on an occasional basis.

Ok, so Kyle Valenti . . . Son of Sheriff “I-like-to-growl” Valenti. All-around good guy, really into sports, dated him the summer before our sophomore year in high school and well into the fall, split on good terms, ok kisser . . .

And that, boys and girls, is Kyle in a nut-shell . . .

“So when are you guys headed back to school?”

Oh, and he also attends UNM with us. He got a football scholarship.

“Early tomorrow afternoon. Why?”

“Well, ‘cause we’re having a welcome back to school party at the frat house tomorrow night. You guys should come!” he says, enthused.

Oh and did I mention that Kyle’s part of a fraternity? Don’t ask me which one . . . One of those greek ones, ok?

Anyway, so apparently I left some stuff out of the Kyle-summary, but does it really matter? This is so not about Kyle.

“I don’t know Kyle, the whole frat scene? Not really for me . . . “

“Aw, come on Liz, it’ll be fun . . .”

“Wow, then I have to go!” I say with fake enthusiasm.

“Really?”

“No, that was sarcasm.”

“Oh” he says, disappointed.

Yeah, Kyle’s persuasion tactics could really use some work . . . I mean, duh? That ‘it’ll be fun’ comment, was that really supposed to convince me?

“Hey, Maria, help me out here . . . “ he calls out to a bored looking Maria. “I’m trying to convince Liz to come to the party at the frat tomorrow.”

Maria’s ears perk up at the sound of the word ‘party.’

Uh-oh.

Nothing good can come of this.


~~~~


Liz’s POV

knock

Ok, so my first thoughts this morning? Why is my bed so hard?

Knock, knock

Where’s my pillow?

Knock, Knock

Why am I all sticky?

KNOCK, KNOCK!

And what the hell is that freakin’ sound?!? . . . Ugh!

So I finally open up my eyes and discover that I am currently laid out on the floor of my living room, tub of ice cream laying melted on my stomach (Yum!) and Maria is laid out on the sofa.

KNOCK, KNOCK!

And, oh yeah, someone is knocking on the door . . .

Can I repeat? Ugh!!!

So I stumble to the door (did’ja know you can get a hangover from junk food?) Well, you totally can . . . Take it from someone who knows . . .

Anyway, me, stumbling to the door. . . I yank it open and blearily peer at a soon-to-be-dead Alex whose hand is poised, mid-knock.

“Hey there, Knocky!” I say in irritation and flick him in the forehead. “It’s entirely too early to be knocking on people’s doors!”

“Ow!”

“Whatever” I say and walk back to the living room where I nudge Maria. She goes to shift and rolls off the sofa and onto the carpet with a ‘thwump.’

She groans, but manages to stay asleep.

I sit on the newly vacated sofa.

Yeah, Maria is totally a hard sleeper and she’s totally used to falling out of bed . . . Once again . . . whatever . . .

Anyway . . .

“Early?” Alex says rubbing his forehead. “Liz it’s 11 o’clock! Maria, wake up, you gotta get ready so we can go.”

“It’s 11 o’clock? Really?” I say. Wow, we really slept in.

Maria sits up suddenly and looks around.

So, ok, after Kyle came in yesterday, Maria and I finished out our shift and had a girls’ night, sans Alex. He was there earlier and ate too much ice cream and went home with a tummy ache. . . Wuss! . . .

Anyway, Maria and I stayed up super late watching chick flicks and trashing Michael, hence the reason we slept till 11 on the day we’re supposed to be heading back to school . . .

And I repeat . . . Whatever!

Maria still hasn’t said anything . . .

“Why am I all sticky?”

Ah, she speaks!

“I’m guessing you girls got a little carried away with the ice cream last night and fell asleep eating it . . . Anyway, so not the point, up and at ‘em!” and Alex helps a disgruntled Maria to her feet.

“What time is it?” she mutters as she sways.

“11” Alex answers chirpily.

“WHAT?!?” she yells and then holds her head.

“Oh-kay, Maria, take it down a notch, use your inside voice . . .“ I say and make a shushing motion with my hands. I mean, my head’s pounding here!


Maria’s POV

Ok, so I was having the weirdest dream! I was at McDonald’s trying to get breakfast . . . I mean, I had this humongous craving for a egg and cheese biscuit . . . But there was a problem . . . it was 10:01 and they absolutely refused to sell anymore breakfast food after 10. I mean, am I the only one who thinks they should serve breakfast all day? It’s the best part, right? So anyway, I’m complaining and the people behind me are complaining and the lady at the register goes back and discovers they have one breakfast sandwich left, but instead of selling it to me, she decides to auction it off! . . . Seriously . . . So the bidding gets up to ten thousand dollars . . . What? We were hungry! . . . Anyway, the dream changes and suddenly I’m on a stage in just my underwear in front of thousands of people. And at first I’m nervous, but then I realize that I’m wearing my pink set with the lace and I know I look totally hot, so then I’m just posing. But then I look further into the crowd and guess what? No Michael! . . . Ugh! Even in my dreams this guy manages to annoy me. So anyway, the crowd begins to clap, but why does it sound like knocking? And I’m still peering into the audience . . . so hard that I don’t even notice I’m too close to the edge of the stage and I fall off (so not fun), but then this rabbit helps me up. I thank him, but when he goes to say ‘you’re welcome’ he sounds like Alex and then he’s telling me I have to wake up . . .

Wait . . . wake up?

And that’s when I pop up and discover I’m lying on the floor in Liz’s living room . . . and I’m sticky . . .

“Why am I all sticky?”

Alex says something but I barely hear him as I notice the discarded tub of ice cream on the floor beside me.

I start to get up and Alex helps me. Wow, junk food hangover . . . totally not cool . . . but I could sure go for that egg and cheese biscuit right now!

“What time is it?” I say, hoping it’s still early enough to go get that biscuit.

“11” Alex says way too happily. I scowl at him, but then I actually process what he said.

“WHAT?!?” I yell. Whoa, waaaaay too loud there, god my head hurts.

I totally feel like something the cat dragged in. What’s that about? Man, I gotta lay off the junk food . . .

Hmm . . . I wonder if I could convince Jose to make me a egg and cheese sandwich . . .

It’s worth a try . . .


Liz’s POV

So after some persuading from Alex, some coffee, and oddly an egg and cheese sandwich for Maria, we finally got it together enough to get ready for the drive back to school . . .

Just one problem . . . Neither of us wants to drive . . . Which brings us to now . . .

“Come on Lizzie, you drive . . . puh-lease!”

Yeah, like that’s gonna work?

“Nuh-uh, Maria, it’s your car, you drive.” I adjust my sunglasses. Stupid sun.

“But I’m tired . . . I don’t wanna.”

“Yeah, well me either.”

So we’re standing outside the Crashdown, whining at each other basically, when Alex walks up.

“Hey ladies, what are we arguing about?” Alex asks.

Maria and I exchange looks and say at the same time “Alex will do it!”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m Mikey, I’ll eat anything right? . . . So what’s it this time?” Alex says resignedly.

“Alex, puh-lease drive today! Liz and I are ex-hausted from the girlfriend’s night last night. Pretty please” Maria says and even brings out the big guns and gives him her patented ‘please-help-me-find-my-lost-puppy’ look.

“Ok, but I don’t want to hear any complaining about my driving . . . That’s all I’m saying” he grumbles, but Maria and I pay him no mind as we happily get in the car. Maria sits in the front next to Alex while I crash in the back.

And we’re off!

Soon Maria is talking about what she’s going to wear to Kyle’s party tonight.

“ ‘Ria” I whine (side note: I whine when I’m tired) “I so don’t want to go to this party! The last time I went to a frat party, I ended up with beer in my hair!” (Long story)

“everypartyneedsapoop” Maria says.

Huh? Did she just say something about needing to poop?

“What?” I say.

Maria sings clearly “Every party needs a poop and that’s why we invited you. Party-pooper. Party-pooper.” And she makes pooping sounds with her mouth.

Alex tries to stifle his laughter.

“Ok, so now I’m a party pooper because I’m complaing about going to this party?”

“Duh Liz. That’s exactly what a party pooper does!”

“Alex!” I say “Do you think I should have to go?”

“Si pero porque?” Alex says.

Sigh.

Ok, so Alex took like one semester of Spanish in high school and the only thing he retained were a few key Spanish phrases. He thinks it’s all he needs. ‘Si pero porque’ means ‘Yes, but why?’ and Alex thinks that he can work this phrase into any discussion.

So yes, that’s what Alex has to contribute to our conversation.

A spanish catch-phrase.

He might as well be saying ‘Wazzup!’ as annoying as that would be.

“Hey, that guy totally cut you off Alex!” Maria yells. “Honk at him!”

“No, Maria, it’s ok . . .”

“Well, if you’re not gonna do it, I will!” and she reaches over and honks the horn.

Yes, Miss Backseat driver strikes again.

“Maria!” Alex cries. “Look, when I’m driving, this” and he slices the air with his palm facing him and angles it around to encompass the driver’s side of the car “is my side of the car and this” he angles around the passenger’s side “is your side. Got it?”

“Ay, ay Drill Sergeant!” Maria says . . . and then flips him off.

“Real classy Deluca” he says.

Instead of answering, she reaches over and turns on the windshield wipers.

He sighs and turns them off.

Yeah, even I knew Alex’s little power play there wasn’t gonna work. I give him an ‘E’ for Effort though.

“And hey, Rule-boy, turn off the turn signal. You’ve been ‘about to turn’ for the last 10 minutes” Maria says to him.

“Well, it’s not my fault you have to do practically a 360 degree turn to get the turn signal to go off in this car.”

“Hey, don’t blame the car! It’s not the car’s fault you drive like an old person!”

And this is me, rolling my eyes at the both of them.

So tuning them out, I turn my mind to more important matters . . .

Like Max and the eternal question . . .

Boxers or Briefs?

[Assilem_1]

Part 7

Liz’s POV

Ok, so we made it back to school in mostly one piece . . . Of course Alex and Maria bickered most of the way here.

It went something like this:

“Alex get into that lane, this guy is going too slow.”

“Ok, Maria, who’s driving? Me or you?”

Maria imitates him in a high, falsetto voice “Who’s driving, me or you?”

“Wow, that sounds exactly me” Alex says blandly.

“The better question is, whose car is this? Mine or yours?”

“You know, I seem to recall someone being too tired to drive. Don’t you wanna take a nap?” Alex says hopefully.

And blah, blah, blah, just more of that for the rest of the ride.

See, Alex and I forgot the cardinal rule. That it’s best to make sure Maria drives her car at all times, because whenever anyone else drives she will just nag the person to death.

So anyway, after the never-ending car ride, we dropped Alex off at his dorm and then Maria and I proceeded to ours.

We both check our mail and I notice Maria pulling a package from hers.

“Maria!”

She guiltily shoves the package behind her back.

“It’s just a mini-sewing machine!” she says defensively.

See, Maria has this whole buying stuff through the mail obsession going on and our dorm room is filled with so many useless gadgets and things because of it.

See? This is why they should not give college students credit cards. ‘Buying power’, my as-

-phalt . . .

Whatever, you know what I mean.

It’s like, ‘hey, you don’t have a job or any visible means of supporting yourself? Well, here’s a credit card you can use to buy things you don’t need and probably can’t afford!’

Or as Maria called it: ‘Party time!’

“Maria, need I remind you of the whole crotchless panty incident?” I say to her.

Maria glares at me and looks around quickly to make sure no one heard.

See I took a vow to never talk about it, but desperate times call for desperate measures, right? It was yet another one of Maria’s buys that seemed great in theory. In practice the question became why do you need underwear if there’s no crotch? I think Michael had to have had a hand in that one.

Wow. Did anyone else just get a bad visual?

Anyway, the crotchless panty joined the ranks of the one-person trampoline that was supposed to revolutionize exercising (Maria’s words) and the sweater dress.

Oh my god, the sweater dress! I had to hear about the amazing sweater dress for weeks before it came! Maria kept saying things like, It’s a sweater, no, it’s a dress. Hey wait, it’s both!

Seriously.

How tired do you think I got of hearing this day in and day out?

Anyway, needless to say, the thing came and it was awful looking. It was like she was wearing a potato sack . . . you know, except in sweater material. Maria was so upset she was ready to sue them for faulty advertising.

And when I finished laughing, I totally agreed with her.

So we went back and retrieved the catalog. And that’s when we realized that the lady modeling the dress was conveniently sitting.

And see that’s how they get you.

Wow, I just totally sounded like my parents. Sooooo not good.

“Mini-sewing machine? Since when do you sew?” I ask her.

“Since I have a sewing machine to sew with” she tells me smugly.

“Oh really? Are you gonna start churning your own butter too?”

Maria just clutches her package closer and glares at me likes it’s her baby or something.

Whatever.

So we proceed to our room, but when we step off the elevator we have to jump out of the way because Troy, a fellow dorm-mate, comes running down the hall.

Oh, did I mention that he was naked?

See, Troy likes to streak down the halls to commemorate all kinds of events . . . the end of midterms, holidays, tuesdays . . .

You know, the important ones . . .

Yup, nothing says ‘Welcome back’ like Troy Ackal’s bare ass flapping down the hall.

Sigh.

Home sweet Home.

~~~~

“Ok, so what are we ordering for dinner?” Maria asks me as we’re laying around after unpacking.

“I vote for Chinese food, I could totally go for some Chicken and Broccolli right about now” I say, my mouth already watering thinking about it.

“Well, I could totally go for some pizza” Maria says as she’s rifling through the latest Cosmo.

“Come on Maria, we’ll just waste food if we order separately!” Yeah, that’s all I could come up with . . . Think it’ll work?

“Ooh, I know! Why don’t we let the Magic 8 ball decide?” Maria says.

“No, the 8 ball totally hates me!” But does Maria pay me any mind? Nope. In fact she’s already asking it if we should order pizza and shaking the darn thing.

Should I be concerned that most of our decisions are decided by a toy you can buy in Spencer’s Gifts?

Nah.

I’m sure it’s how the pros do it . . . You know, the ones who can’t afford psychics . . .

“Hah!” Maria exclaims. “It says ‘It is certain’. Pizza it is!” and she grabs the phone and places the order before I can even confirm she’s telling the truth.

Stupid 8 ball.

I told you it hates me.

~~~~

So after we finished having pizza, stupid 8 ball, I start whining about the party again.

That’s when Maria pulls out the ace in the hole I didn’t even know she had.

“Max will be there” she says loud enough for me to hear.

Mid-whine I stop and say “What?”

“I said, Max will be there. I talked to Michael before we left, told him about the party and told him to meet us there. Max was there and said he’d be coming too.”

“Really?” I say.

That changes everything!

So all thoughts of avoiding this shindig forgotten, I start looking for something to wear. Maria throws me a knowing look that I pretend not to see and we both get ready.

Eventually I call over to Alex’s room.

He answers “Bob’s house of cheese. Bob speaking.”

I swear Alex does not know how to answer a phone like a normal person . . . And what’s up with that anyway? Does Bob make cheese or is his house made of cheese? I’m just sayin’ . . .

Anyway . . .

“Alex, what’cha doin’?” I ask.

“Playstation” he mumbles.

‘Nuff said.

I mean, a boy and his Playstation are like a man and a woman . . . ok, not really, but you know what I mean . . .

Anyway . . .

“Well, we’re getting ready to head to the party. Can you tear yourself away or are you ditching us for your game system?”

“No, I’ll be ready, just swing by” he says and then yells at the game, which means ‘Goodbye’ in Alex-speak.

Sigh.

The things you learn when you’re friends with a guy . . .


Alex’s POV

So I get off the phone with Liz and I know I’m totally supposed to be getting ready for this party, but the Playstation is just calling to me.

Anyway, I finally drag myself away and start getting ready.

My roommate Doug strolls in.

Oh, I guess you don’t know him, huh?

Well Doug Shellow is a junior majoring in Archeology, a quiet, reserved kinda guy, and generally what I would call a cool roommate - mostly because he doesn’t hog the Playstation.

“Doug” I say as a greeting as I pat him on the back. “You comin’ to the party at the Theta house tonight?”

“Nah, you know frat parties are not my thing” he says to me as he heads to his desk and starts rummaging through his backpack.

“Liz is going” I say offhandedly. His ears perk up. I pretend not to notice.

Yeah, Doug has a major crush on Liz. She is totally unaware of it though. Only Maria and I know. I think he’s been trying to get up the courage to ask her out since August. Hasn’t happened yet though.

Knock, knock

“Well, if you’re going” I say “better get ready quick ‘cause I’m pretty sure that’s Liz and Maria at the door.”

Doug runs to the closet and steps in without another word.

I go to the door and open it with a flourish.

Hey, ‘go big or go home’ is my motto.

Or, you know, something like that . . .

“Hey Alex” Maria says as she pushes past me and into the room.

“Hey, watch the merchandise!” I say straightening my clothing.

Liz just smiles.

“What?” I say, glancing between the two of them and flexing my muscles. “You’re looking at 6 feet of twisted steel and sex appeal.”

Maria just rolls her eyes as she goes straight for the candy stash in my desk drawer.

“Thanks” she says holding up a snickers. “We were all out of chocolate in our room” and she opens her eyes really wide to express the horror of this and then she begins munching on my last snickers bar.

Now I would say something since that’s my last one, but if there’s one thing I’ve learned from being friends with two women, it’s that you never get between a woman and chocolate . . .

I have learned this the hard way.

I guess I’ll be hitting the school store tomorrow.

“Doug’s comin’ with us” I say as Doug emerges from his closet with a smile and a new shirt.

Yeah, he just totally got dressed in there.

Hey, I just saw Doug come out of the closet! I’ll have to rag him about that later . . .

“Doug!” Liz exclaims, probably surprised to see him emerge from his closet. Maria continues to munch on her Snickers and just nods at him.

“Hey Liz” Doug says shyly. “Uh, hey Maria” he says as an afterthought. Liz smiles, Maria barely notices.

“So” I rub my hands together and look at everyone “Ready to get your party on?”

Maria and Liz roll their eyes and Doug just looks confused.

“What?” I say.


Maria’s POV

So I’m feeling totally better after that chocolate fix. Is there anything better than chocolate?

Ok, well there’s some things better, but this is the best thing right now . . .

Heads out of the gutter people!

So anyway, we’re walking down fraternity row and you can already hear the music from down the street . . . And there are people milling about on the front lawn and such, but there’s no one throwing up yet, so you know it’s still early.

Yeah, it’s not a good party unless someone throws up on the lawn. That should be their motto because it always happens.

So we walk in. Liz and Doug a little ahead of us because Doug’s practically attached to Liz’s hip.

Hey, give it a break guy, sheesh!

And immediately as I’m walking in, I’m grabbed and spun around.

“Dude!” I hear someone happily exclaim.

I look up and it’s Skyy.

No, not *the* Sky. It’s Skyy Peters.

He’s this guy from one of my liberal arts classes. He loves talking to me and loves calling me ‘Dude’ even though we all know that I am clearly a female. He’s not bad looking, actually kinda cute with sandy blond hair and blue eyes that are like permanently stuck at half-mast.

I have no idea why he always picks me to talk to though. I’m not at all encouraging. Maybe he thinks he senses a kindred spirit in me or something, I don’t know.

My theory is that his parents were 70’s free love types, hence his name.

I mean, this guy actually has a ‘Gas, grass, or ass - Nobody rides for free’ sticker on his ’93 Subaru. Where do you even find one of those stickers nowadays?

But rest assured, no one ever rides with him unless they have gas money . . . Don’t want to test the theory . . .

I look around and Alex and Liz are nowhere to be seen. Some friends they are! I tune back in to Skyy to discover he’s telling me some story about getting a ticket for not going 5 mph over a speed bump.

“So the cop’s telling me that I was doing like 10 mph over the speed bump and . . .”

Did I mention that this guy is a serious pothead who is like always high? So he has no sense of spatial relationships. Hence why he’s standing so close to me right now . . .

I resist the urge to push him back a step and find that the whole time he’s talking all I can hear is Mr. Mackey’s voice from South Park in my head.

‘Drugs are bad.’

“ . . . I mean, dude!, you’re doing at least 6 when you turn on the radio! . . .”

‘Mary-joo-wana is bad.’ (‘Cause that’s how Mr. Mackey pronounces marijuana.)

“So I’m saying Mr. Ociffer . . ”

Sex is bad.

Wait, I think I just channeled my Mom for that one.

And for the record, he did just say ‘Ociffer’ instead of ‘Officer’ . . . I hope he didn’t say that to the cop though . . .

“ . . . I had the radio on and I didn’t realize that-”

“Oh look, a shoe” I say awkwardly, interrupting him and pointing down at the floor. When he looks down, I hurriedly walk away . . .

Hey, I told you I don’t encourage the guy . . . Besides that shoe thing will keep him occupied for awhile . . .

Believe me, I’ve seen it happen . . .

Ok, so fine, maybe that wasn’t a very nice thing to do, but hey, if he didn’t want me to mess with his head he should stop killing his brain cells . . .

See? Easy answers all around . . .

As I’m walking away, I spot a very inebriated Kyle standing off in a corner surrounded by two of his frat sisters. He looks up just then and waves blearily, but enthusiastically at me. He even takes a step forward, but I pretend someone just called me, say “Huh?” loudly then rush off in the opposite direction. I mean, one conversation with a person devoid of all their faculties is quite enough, thank you! Besides I wouldn’t want to interrupt. It looks like he was just about to break out into a chorus of ‘You, you and me, simultaneously’.

So ok, now I’m off to see why my friends left me in the 7th level of hell . . .

Someone jostles me as I’m making my way towards the kitchen where I know at least Alex will be.

‘Respect my authoriti!’

Yeah, I just channeled Cartman for that one.

I have got to stop watching so much South Park . . .


Liz’s POV

So we left Maria talking to Skyy. She’s totally gonna fuss at us later, but she can handle him. I’ve seen her do it.

Besides I’m actively searching for Max and wishing Doug would at least give me some breathing room, I mean sheesh, personal space is not just a theory!

We wander into the kitchen to see what munchies they have and Alex whoops and then starts twisting, jerking and moving around.

“Alex!” I say to get his attention. “Why are you doing your happy dance?”

“Because” Alex answers as he shimmies “they have cheesy puffs!” And he goes on for about a minute and then does the robot then stops dancing. No matter what dance it is, it always ends with the robot.

Why? I have no idea.

And then he’s off on his journey to cheesy puff land.

Doug and I just shake our heads.

I’m looking around at the different snacks, partaking of some, when I spot the motherload . . . Jello! And it’s even cubed to be the perfect finger food!

Yes, you got me, I love jello. It reminds me of simpler times when I was younger . . .

I’m almost happy enough to do my own happy dance, but I’m not good at the robot.

Oh well . . .

So Alex is off bonding with his snack food of choice and Doug is suddenly accosted by some freshman girl, who apparently is very interested in his take on some class they share.

Which just leaves me and the jello . . .

Do you see me complaining?

~~~~

So a whole thing of jello later and I’m feeling really good . . . It really mellowed me out.

‘Happy jello’ I call it.

Anyway, did you know I have really small hands? I just noticed that, it’s kinda weird . . .

Anyway, Doug is still invading my personal space but right about now it’s not bothering me so much.

We walk back into the main area and through the masses, guess who I spot?

Max Evans, of course!

He totally has his back to me while looking into another room, but I’d know that back view anywhere. Don’t ask me how.

No really, don’t ask . . .

Speaking of which . . .

I walk up to him, pull his shirt out of his pants and pull up his underwear so I can see what he’s wearing.

I mean, I still haven’t answered the question of Boxers or Briefs.

These questions aren’t just gonna answer themselves. Hello?!?

Max whips his head around mid-pull and goes “Liz?!?”

“Hmm?” I say, distracted by his skin touching my forearm. God this guy feels amazing.

“Um, what’cha doing back there? Are you trying to give me a wedgie?” he asks worriedly.

“No, I’m just answering a question. I’ll be done in a minute.”

“Um, ok?” he says, but his voice goes up at the end like he’s asking a question. I guess he’s confused.

But that’s not my concern right now.

I tuck his shirt back in and pat him on the back.

One less question to wonder about.

Life is good!


Max’s POV

So I’m standing here minding my own business when suddenly someone is pulling my shirt out of my pants.

Weird, huh?

Well, it only gets weirder when I look behind me and discover it’s Liz!

And I still have no idea what she was doing back there, but she’s apparently done now.

I turn around and she just smiles up at me happily.

Did I mention she looks great? But she always looks great so this should come as no surprise.

I smile back at her, but I have to say I’m kinda disappointed. I liked having her that close and feeling our bare skin make contact . . . regardless of the circumstance . . . I mean, even if she was more interested in my clothes than me . . .

And I would be racking my brain trying to understand what just happened, but there’s this guy standing too close to her for my liking and it’s very distracting.

And this guy is actually glaring at me, her fake boyfriend!

Humph, the nerve.

Well, two can play at that game buddy!

I glare right back.

Death ray eyes would be really cool right about now . . .

Alex walks up to us then and slaps the guy on one shoulder and me on the other.

“Max, I see you’ve met my roommate Doug!” he says enthusiastically, like he can’t see the testosterone in the air between the two of us.

Hey, maybe he can’t. Maybe it’s only apparent to me and this ‘Doug’ guy. Who knows?

“Of course, Doug has met Max” Liz says happily. “Max is my boyfriend sometimes, aren’t you Max?” she says and looks at me happily.

Alex is looking at her strangely. And me? I’m just beaming.

“Yup” I say and throw an arm over Liz’s shoulder. And Liz actually snuggles into me, if you can believe it!

And Doug? He’s really glaring at me now.

If looks could kill, boy would I be a dead alien right now! But with Liz snuggled into me like she is, would I care?

“Liz?“ Alex says “Have you been . . . drinking?!?” he says suspiciously.

And I look down at her because I’m surprised I didn’t think of that as the reason why she’s acting kinda strange.

“What?!?” she says, upset. “Of course I haven’t been drinking! Max is my boyfriend sometimes. Tell him Max!” she says and pulls on my shirt in frustration.

I open my mouth to explain, but then the next thing I know I’m being pulled onto the dance floor as Liz is exclaiming “I love this song!”

Hey, no complaints here!

Remember, I still have a plan . . .

BLRB!


Liz’s POV

So I was having a great night until tragedy befell us all . . . and by ‘us all’ I mean me . . .

I had been dancing close to Max, telling him how great he smelled, running my fingers through his hair . . . Generally all the stuff I’ve wanted to do for years now, but have been too shy to try . . .

And yeah, there’s this voice in the back of my mind that says that something’s off here . . . But who listens to voices in their head anyway? I’m not insane!

So anyway, Max and I step back from one another in a seemingly coordinated move and I’m just about to sidle back up to him when someone bumps into me and the whole world goes sideways . . .

Next thing I know, I’m flat on my behind and Max is bent over me looking concerned and asking if I’m ok.

Only there’s two Max’s and I have no idea which one is the real one.

So, being the scientific-minded individual that I am, I go “eenie-meenie-minie-moe” and pick a Max and tell that one that I’m fine. And I tell the other one to “shoo, go away.”

But now they’re both looking at me confused.

“What?” I ask as they both help me to stand.

Boy, this is confusing.

Am I swaying or is the whole room moving?

Oh look, here comes Alex and Maria! . . . and oh yeah, Michael . . .

“Hi guys!” I say enthusiastically. “Did you guys know you have twins? It’s kinda cool” I say nodding.

“Elizabeth Claudia Parker! Have you been drinking?!?” Maria asks incredulously as she sways from side to side.

Oh wait, that’s me.

“No, I haven’t been drinking! We all know I’m waiting for my 21st birthday to have my first drink!” I say and ease closer to Max who throws his arm around me protectively.

“Well do this” she says and touches her nose.

I reach out and try to touch her nose, but the Maria closest to me keeps moving.

“Stop moving!” I say frustratedly, then accidentally poke her in the eye.

“Ow!” she shrieks and pushes my hand away.

“Sorry” I say and try to pat her on the shoulder(s).

“You are sooooo drunk Liz Parker! And for the record, you were supposed to touch your own nose, not mine!” Maria says while covering her eye.

“I am not drunk! I haven’t even had anything to drink! Tell them Max!”

Max looks at me and in this incredibly sexy voice says “I can’t wait till we get it on.”

Ok.

Wait.

“What?”

Max blinks and looks at me concerned. “I said, I think I should take you home.”

“Oh my god, I am drunk!” I say. I mean, I am hearing things and everything!

“How did this happen?!? I really didn’t drink anything you guys!” I say, needing for them to believe me.

“It’s ok Liz” Alex says, trying to calm me down doing breathing exercises. He’s been spending waaay too much time around Maria.

“What did you have since you’ve been here?” Alex says as he pulls me out of Max’s embrace and tries to get me to focus.

Cold now . . .

Ok, focus!

“I don’t know. I had some cheesy puffs, some chips, some jello, some gum . . .”

“Wait, back it up. You said you had jello? Was it cubed jello?”

“Um hum” I say happily. Alex’s buttons are shiny . . .

“Liz, that wasn’t just jello, that was jello shots. The jello had alcohol in it!” Alex says while batting my hands away from his buttons.

“What?”

The jello had alcohol in it? . . . Who does that to poor, defenseless jello? I couldn’t be more shocked if he’d said ‘the jello had flies in it . . .’

That’d be gross though.

This is when I notice that they’re steering me towards the exit and there’s a whole procession of people going, what with Alex, Maria, Max, Michael and all of their twins following beside them.

“Are you ok?” Max asks me once we’re outside.

“Gah” is all I manage to get out as I clutch my stomach.

From behind me I hear Maria say “Did she just say ‘Gah’? What the hell is ‘Gah’?!?”

“Gonna be sick!” I say and stumble a few feet from them and start throwing up.

Midway through, I realize that someone’s holding my hair back but I’m too busy being sick to care who it is.

When I finally finish, I look up and it’s Max.

God this guy is amazing! And there’s even 2 of him, just for me.

I smile and try to touch one of his faces.

Then the world goes black . . .


Maria’s POV

Ok so remember in the beginning when I said it’s not a party until somebody throws up on the lawn? Well, I never imagined it’d be Liz throwing up when I said that.

Liz is the straightest arrow I know and now she’s plastered and being carried home by one Max Evans . . .

If she wasn’t passed out, she’d faint!


Max’s POV

So this night was shaping up to be one of the best nights of my life . . . Even beating out the night at Alien Oasis, if you can believe it.

I mean, sure it started off weird with Liz checking out my underwear and stuff, but even that wasn’t such a bad thing . . .

But then it really picked up when Liz dragged me out to the dance floor.

It’s like our bodies were made to fit with each other . . . Whether it was a fast song or a slow one, we were perfectly in sync, always moving together in steps so timed you’d think we’d coordinated beforehand . . .

I always thought watching Liz dance was the greatest thing ever, but dancing with her is so much more . . . amazing, I guess would be the word . . .

And the things she whispered in my ear!

Like “You smell amazing” in the sexiest voice I’ve ever heard. I mean, yeah, she did say some weird stuff like “I love jello” in the exact same voice, but then she reached up and ran her fingers through the hair at the nape of my neck and I promptly forgot about that till later . . .

I should have known she was drunk.

But all of that lead to this amazing moment when I get to carry a sleeping, or ok, a unconscious Liz in my arms and I just can’t be upset . . .

Although when Liz realizes what happened, how will she feel?


Liz’s POV

So I wake up probably just as they get me into my room because I’m being laid down on my bed by none other than Max Evans!

Gotta love this guy . . . um, guy(s) . . .

Yeah, apparently I’m still drunk because there are still 2 of him . . . But once again, who’s complaining?

Anyway, I can’t believe that I got drunk off of jello, or jello shots as Alex called them . . . As for me, I have officially renamed them “the devil’s candy” . . .

I mean, really, who thought up this evil concoction?

Yup, uh huh, Satan! Hello?!?

Max hesitantly steps away when he sees my eyes are open and I see movement behind him and realize that it’s Alex over by the door twisting and gyrating around for some reason.

“Dear God make it stop!” I whisper.

I mean, there are 2 of him moving around. It’s just too much!

“Alex” I say without raising my head. “Why are you doing your happy dance?”

“Au contrair my frair, this is my dance of shame and it’s all for you Lizzie” Alex says as he’s doing the running man.

Is it me or did he just speak bad french?

Anyway, I know I should be bothered, even perturbed by his dance of shame for me, but all I can think is how similar his happy dance and his dance of shame are.

What’s up with that?

And now he’s doing the robot . . . again.

Can you even begin to grasp the horror of seeing two Alex’s doing the robot in your room at like 2 in the morning when you’re drunk off jello shots?

Probably not, huh?

Well, it is indeed horrible. I close my eyes in hopes that it’ll be over when I open them.

My last thoughts before I fall into oblivion?

Max is definitely a boxer-man.

Good to know . . .

[Assilem_1]

Part 8

Liz’s POV

Ok, so I could be dreaming about Max and I on a deserted island watching the sun set at the end of the day. Or even about our night at Alien Oasis.

Heck, at this point, I’d settle for one of my late-for-a-test-I-didn’t-study-for dreams . . .

But what am I dreaming about?

Evil jello.

Yep.

Makes sense right? . . . I mean, obviously someone up there hates me.

Anyway, they’re lined up in front of me, smiling and taunting me, saying “Your belly is jolly, watch us jiggle!”

And they proceed to jiggle the house down. Which in this case, the house is my stomach because they’re inside. Get it?

Yeah, well it made sense in my dream.

Anyway, I jerk awake from this awful-ness and realize that my stomach is doing flip-flops.

Holy Moly!

I feel like that chick from Alien must have felt before that baby alien burst out of her stomach.

‘Evil jello, keep it down in there!’

They just jiggle more.

Groan

I feel like I’m gonna die . . .

I’m gonna throw up and then I’m gonna die.

Ugh.

Must get to bathroom now.

So I sit up and the whole room starts moving around.

Yes, the exciting adventure of the jello that ate my life continues . . .

Did I mention that now I really have to throw up?

So gingerly getting out of bed, I start to walk to the door. Only I must be shrinking or something because I’m getting closer and closer to the ground with every step I take. It’s only when I’m nearly kissing the floor that I realize that my knees are buckling slowly.

Apparently walking is on the new list of ‘Things I can’t do while drunk’.

Who knew?

Gag

And oh yeah, not throwing up is second on that list.

Less think-y, more move-y.

Ok so now I’m freakin’ crawling to the bathroom . . . literally. Quite an image huh?

So I proceed out of the room, checking both ways for evil jello first (of course) and then down the hall I go, pushing the really heavy door to the bathroom open with my hand and crawling in.

I go past the showers and sinks and head for the toilets.

And who do I see but UNM’s version of Pam Troy, only less likable, Minimia.

Yeah, that’s actually her name. Her mom was trying to be creative or something.

We just use it as ammunition for pissing her off since she takes every opportunity she can to insult us.

Besides, what are we supposed to do? Not make fun of her name?

Yeah, don’t answer that.

Anyway, she’s lying on the floor under one of the stalls, completely passed out with no pants on.

Yep, you heard right, she’s not wearing any pants.

What is up with our dorm anyway? Is it that hard to stay clothed?

Or has this become the clothing-optional dorm and I missed the memo?

And really, did she come in here with pants on or did she walk from her room in just a top and underwear?

Of course, there is the other possibility that she was fully clothed when she came in here and gnomes stole her pants . . .

Should I be looking out for pants-stealing gnomes as well as evil jello? ‘Cause that’s just too much!

Ugh . . .

Ok, so yes, some things to worry about. But they’ll have to wait until I finish losing the contents of my stomach . . . twice . . . before they get attention.

Take *that* evil jello!

Yes, despite hopefully expelling the jello that single-handedly ruined my existence, it’s not half as fun experiencing the eating process in reverse.

I’ll never look at a cheesy puff the same way again. And what’s up with that anyway? I didn’t even *have* broccoli!

So a few minutes of that and I’m feeling really weak. I mean, I’m not even up to the task of crawling back to my room.

Pants-stealing gnomes and evil jello bent on destruction? This would be the perfect time to strike.

But thank god, they don’t come.

Anyway, I’m scared witless gazing at Mini Macaroni over there, hoping that I am not seeing my future . . .

You know, me, totally hopped up on jello shots, unable to process what’s right and what’s wrong. I’ll start taking off my pants and hanging around in public restrooms. I’ll get arrested for public indecency and be sentenced to clean toilet bowls with toothbrushes for the rest of my life.

Or something like that.

What is the punishment for public drunkenness these days?

So awhile later Maria finds me in the bathroom, hugging the toilet like it’s my best friend.

And right about now it is.

I’ve even named it ‘Tidy’ . . .


Maria’s POV

So I wake up to an empty room . . .

And am immediately on alert. I mean, Liz is completely plastered, she should not be out and about!

Ok, so if I were drunk off of jello shots, where would I go?

Hmm, sounds like a question a really twisted psychiatrist would ask . . .

Anyway, back to the matter at hand: finding Liz.

So I hop out of bed, but before I leave the room, I check the closets.

No, I’m not looking for monsters. A drunk Liz might find the closet interesting . . .

Ok, I don’t know! I’ve never been drunk before and I’ve certainly never seen Liz drunk before!

Then I remember the lawn, the ‘Gah’ comment, the throwing up . . .

Yeah, bathroom it is.

So I head to the bathroom and find a still drunk Liz Parker praying to the porcelain gods and mumbling about her friend Tidy.

Who the hell is Tidy??

A question for another time I guess.

So I help her out of the bathroom, past Mega-Mania, who is oddly not wearing pants and get her back to bed, which was a process in and of itself . . .

When did this girl forget how to walk?!

But as we’re going past the guys bathroom, Troy comes strolling out, drying his hair and of course not wearing a thing.

I swear I see this guy’s ass more than I see my own!

Liz just nods at him knowingly and says “Clothes-stealing gnomes right?”

Yeah, I don’t need to understand.

I drag her away before Troy can answer.

“B-B-But . . . “ she sputters.

“Nevermind him Liz, let’s just get you back to bed. You’ve got a big day of being sick to look forward to tomorrow” I say.

Later, as I’m tucking her in, she says sadly “Jello is not my friend . . .”

“No, it isn’t honey” I agree.

Sigh.

She is gonna be so hung over tomorrow.


Max’s POV

So I’m in my room dozing when Isabel bursts in with Michael on her heels.

Damn our ability to manipulate locks!

For a second, I’m having flashbacks of how they used to just barge into my room at home, but then Michael pulls the pillow that I’ve buried my head under off of my head and says “Up and at ‘em Maxwell.”

“Yeah, rise and shine” Isabel pipes in.

“I’ll rise later, but I’m definitely not shining” I mutter as I yank my pillow back.

“I know what’ll get you up” Michael says.

Yeah, good luck with that.

“Coffee, we need coffee! Izzy, why don’t you make yourself useful and go get us some?” Michael says as Isabel is opening the blinds.

Yeah, not his smartest move.

We both know that Isabel is super-cranky in the morning because of her roommate this year. Her name is Ginger and she has this bubbly personality that totally irks Izzy. And Ginger even wakes up cheerful, which automatically puts Isabel in a bad mood.

“Yeah, sure. How do you take it? Black with a couple cubes of kiss my ass?” Isabel responds.

“Actually no, a little creamer and a scoop of bite me” Michael replies.

Isabel doesn’t respond, I just hear a satisfied “humph” from her and a muttered “Damn you woman!” from Michael.

I stick my head out from under my re-acquired pillow and see Michael changing the mini-skirt he’s now wearing back into pants.

Totally didn’t need that imagery this early in the morning.

I sigh and ask “Do I need to separate you two?”

Michael just mutters to himself some more, but I notice that he puts some space between him and Izzy and starts searching for something to eat.

“I’m just saying Maxwell” Michael says to me “Don’t you wanna go check on your dream girl? She is sleeping one off and she’s gonna have a nasty hangover when she wakes up . . .”

I sit up quickly. In fact, too quickly because the blood rushes to my head and I get a little dizzy.

“Thanks Michael!” I say after I recover and jump out of bed.

Michael is busily looking in my mini-fridge, which is basically empty . . .

All that’s in there is a crusty bagel and some really questionable milk. I grab my towel and toiletries as Michael goes “Great Maxwell. I come all the way over here to help you out and this is the thanks I get?” he says, holding up the moldy bagel.

“Well, it also comes with this lovely view of my ass” I respond as I walk out of the room.


Liz’s POV

Ok, so I wake up this morning from a dream of being chased by gnomes that wanted my pants?

Odd . . .

That’s when I realize that the bottom has fallen out of my world and been replaced by pain.

Yes this is rather dramatic of me, but when you have a whole gang of drummers banging away in your head to the tune of your heartbeat, you tend to become dramatic.

Ok, so here’s my question . . .

‘What the hell happened last night?!?’

‘Cause I think I might be in hell . . .

There’s pain, the desire to throw up and did I mention the pain?

So fine, it’s not really hot here. Maybe it’s hell-lite . . .

All the perks of hell, without the blasted humidity.

I turn my head a little and my life flashes before my eyes . . .

And the lesson, boys and girls?

Movement? Bad

Being still? Good

And oh yeah, get rid of the backpack shaped like a bear that Maria gave me.

So when the hysterical blindness passes, I see Maria curled up in her bed sleeping entirely too peacefully when I’m over here feeling like my head might burst open and spill all it’s content onto this pillow.

Rather messy right?

Yeah, well let’s just hope it doesn’t happen.

Ok, so back to last night . . .

I remember bits and pieces . . . I remember dancing with Max, I remember Alex has shiny buttons, and I remember throwing up . . . lots and lots of throwing up.

I also recall someone not wearing any pants.

Oh my god, was it me? Was I the one not wearing any pants? Oh my god! Did I take off my pants?!? Did Max see me with no pants on? Oh god, did I moon Max?!?

OH MY GOD!!!

Ok, calm down, calm down. There is probably a perfectly reasonable explanation for all of this . . .

Oh god. Oh god. Oh god. I flashed Max and now he probably thinks I’m a degenerate or something.

Where are pants when you need them?!?

I lift up the covers and look.

Sigh.

At least I’m wearing pants now. That has to count for something.

I take deep breaths and try to ‘find my center’ as Maria would say.

Then I start going over the other things I remember about last night . . .

I remember flirting with Max, that jello is not my friend, that Max wears boxers, that walls sometimes move, that . . . wait . . . Max wears boxers?!? How the hell do I know that?

Ok, so obviously there is another possibility here . . .

Maybe Max removed his pants?

Yeah, that would explain it . . .

Um, ok, panic starting to set in again . . . Why the hell would Max remove his pants?!?

Oh, for the love of coffee, why can’t I remember what happened last night?!?

Oh my god, did I . . . MAKE OUT with Max? How could that be and I don’t remember any of it?!?

I do vaguely recall him saying “I can’t wait till we get it on.”

This is so unfair!

Last night could have been the best (or worst) night of my life and I can’t even remember it!

(Good or bad thing? You decide . . . )

But, you know, I also remember Alex doing a dance of shame for me.

That’s definitely not a good thing.

Oh my god, here’s another possibility . . . What if . . . I removed Max’s pants?!?

This is all just so wrong!

Yes, so after a few minutes of this journey into depravity, I come back. Because hey, on the plus side (didn’t think I could find a plus side did’ja?), maybe I just went crazy and none of this is really happening.

Yep, it’s a sad day when being insane is a preferable choice to real life.

KNOCK KNOCK!

OH MY GOD! Someone is trying to cave in my brain-holding-in thingy! . . . Um, my head!

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!

Oh god. Make it stop, someone please make it stop, nothing should be that loud!

Wow, now even my thoughts hurt . . . Gotta lay off the exclamation points.

Maria stirs, then stumbles out of bed . . . and promptly walks into a wall.

She curses quietly to herself, then holding her head and actually looking where she’s going this time, makes it to the door.

And I would be laughing at her if I didn’t feel like crying . . . .

No really, I feel like bawling like a baby right now. The knocking is so loud and my head hurts soooo much!

Or as Alex would say ‘Want some cheese with that whine?’

Speaking of which . . .

Maria opens the door and I’m hit with an irrational fear that some jiggling jello gnomes might be there, but it goes away when I see it’s just Alex.

He takes one look at Maria’s perturbed expression, gulps and goes (no lie) “Can Liz come out and play?” with two water pistols in hand.

Of course to my ears it sounds more like “CAN LIZ COME OUT AND PLAY?!?!”

Does this guy even have an inside voice? Sheesh!

Maria yanks him inside, but before she can close the door, Max comes walking up.

“HEY, LOOK WHO IT IS!” Alex says, again way too loudly.

Now since Max has never visited me, or should I say ‘us’ ever, this would normally be a cause for celebration . . . You know, if I didn’t feel like a brain on drugs . . .

You know . . . that commercial ‘This is your brain, this is your brain on drugs’? . . . Yeah, well nevermind.

“Morning Max” Maria whispers.

She’s the only one with sense enough to keep it down. Now Alex, I would kill if I didn’t think movement would cause me to fall off the edge of the world and die.

Maybe later.

“Morning Maria, Alex” Max whispers too, glancing around Maria at me.

“WHY ARE YOU GUYS WHISPERING?” Alex asks loudly.

I cringe.

He’s sooooo loud!

“Alex, Liz has a hangover . . . Get it? Hang-o-ver. Meaning her head’s gonna be killing her when she wakes up, so we need to keep it down. Think you can do that boy-without-a-clue?” Maria says.

“Hey, no need to get personal!” Alex whispers (thank god) and holds his hands up (pistols and all) in surrender.

Alex does have an inside voice, go figure.

But Max is looking around our room in shock . . . He must not have gotten a good look at it last night.

Yeah, I do remember that little tidbit . . . Kinda confused about it though . . .

Anyway, for those who’ve never visited before, our room is quite an eyeful.

I mentioned that Maria has this whole buying fetish going on, right?

Well, our room is like an ode to useless stuff . . . Complete with a remote-controlled hand that flips people off, which is currently flipping the whole room off right now. Our humongous stuffed bear, Andy, who ‘protects the room’ Maria claims, although unless an attacker is scared of hugs, I don’t see how, but whatever . . . Anyway, the piece de resistànce is the leopard-skinned chair shaped like a high heel.

‘ ‘Because no room is complete without the high-heeled chair’ Maria said when it came.

We won ‘Most Insane room’ this year, hands-down.

We were runners-up last year, but after I saw the chair I knew we were shoe-ins for this year.

Ironically the award didn’t even bother Maria. She said our fashion-challenged dorm mates wouldn’t know style if it kicked them in the face and stepped on their heads.

Violent, isn’t she?

Anyway, this room says ‘Maria’ from head to toe.

My contributions are mainly my computer, my books in the bookcase, and my nifty microscope 'because you never know when you might need to look at cells’ is my motto . . .

Really, I’m not a dork.

Anyway, Max is still looking around at everything and pulls his hands from behind his back.

And what do I spy with my little eye?

He brought coffee!!

Ow . . .

Yeah, even happiness hurts right now.

“Coffee!” Maria squeals quietly. How she managed that, I’ll never know. But she grabs a cup from the holder and Alex puts down the water pistols and grabs another.

And as much as I would love some coffee, that’s enough with the looking and seeing . . . Must.close.eyes.now.

So I hear them wandering over to me, each footfall echoing loudly in my head.

What am I, a superhero with superhero hearing now?

Yes, boys and girls, she’s Drunk girl by night and Hangover Girl by day. She even has her very own vomit bucket and a nifty sidekick whose dance of shame is renowned.

Anyway, they proceed to talk about me like I’m not even here. Granted my eyes are closed, so maybe they think I’m sleeping . . .

“So how did she do last night?” Max whispers.

“Well, I found her throwing up at like 5 this morning, but other than that, I think she’s fine” Maria answers.

“So she can come out and play?” Alex whispers eagerly.

Ignoring him, Maria continues to whisper.

Ok, so in my defense, Alex and I do love our water fights. And we have a long-standing competition going. Maria used to join us, but for the past couple of weeks she’s been trying out this new hairstyle and says that ‘unauthorized water shall not enter the test area . . . or even the vicinity of the test area . . .’

Yeah, she was pretty specific about this.

So, of course, Alex just had to test this rule . . .

And rued the day he met Maria Alexandra Deluca.

Ever since then, he steers clear of Maria during water fights.

Anyway, I wouldn’t call it ‘playing’ exactly. We have these super-soakers that we use that you totally wouldn’t give to a kid. I mean, we’re not 12!

Ok, so fine, we’re 13.

Anyway, back to their conversation . . .

“So what do we do now?” Max asks.

“Why, the same thing we do every night Pinky-“ Alex starts.

“No Alex!” Maria berates him like a bad child. “You can let it go sometimes you know.”

“Let what go sometimes?” Max asks conspiratorially. “And who’s Pinky? ‘Cause I know I’m not Pinky . . . ”

“It’s this whole Animaniacs thing that Alex- oh nevermind! Just pay no attention to him” Maria says.

Alex huffs and mutters “Si pero porque?”

Yes boys and girls, this is the group of people that I call friends.

Wonder what that says about me?

Anyway, I finally open my eyes to find all of them staring down at me.

My eyes immediately lock with Max’s and all I can see in them is concern. But I can’t get lost in his eyes like I’ve always wanted to because in my current state looking just hurts too much . . . And don’t even get me started on the seeing!

Besides, it would seem we have an audience . . . what with Maria and Alex still staring down at me.

Didn’t their parents ever tell them it’s not polite to stare?

I feel like a bug under a freakin’ microscope.

Ironic, huh?

You know now would be a great time to learn that whole projectile vomiting thing.

I bet they’d step back then.

If I started pulling my very own Exorcist in this room . . .

You know, head spinning around, spouting obscene things, cursing at priests . . .

Yeah, that Linda Blair chick was bad.

But you know, projectile vomiting? Probably involves some sort of movement. Something I’m not too big on right about now . . .

I look at Maria and her and Max begin speaking at the same time.

“How are you feeling?” (that was Maria) “Are you ok?” (that was Max) And Alex, never one to be outdone but probably recognizing the important questions are taken, says “Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?”

Now that one gives me pause because I may have last night . . .

But then Maria socks him and over his grunt of pain, repeats her question.

“How are you feeling sweetie?”

“F-f-f-ine” I stumble out. Wow, when did my throat get so dry?

Assessing the situation as only a best friend can, Maria yells out “Water! She needs water! Stat!”

I flinch.

Yes, apparently Maria is a doctor in her spare time. Hence the “stat” comment.

And since she is only concerned with my well-being, I’ll forgive her for yelling.

Even though it’s still reverberating in my head . . .

Alex rushes away and while he’s gone, Maria rushes around the room trying to find only god knows what.

Max moves the high-heeled chair next to the bed and sits down.

Quite an image, I tell ya.

Only a man comfortable with his masculinity can sit in that chair.

Or at least that’s what Alex said when he first sat in it . . .

It’s surprisingly comfortable though. You know, for a high heel . . .

Max brushes my hair back from my face and asks me “So how do you really feel?”

“Like something that should be taken out back . . . and shot” I mutter through my parched throat.

Seriously.

Any takers?

Max just smiles at me, but before he can respond, Alex comes back with the water.

“Hey Lizzie” Alex says to me and gives me a little wave.

Fine, I guess I won’t kill Alex later.

It’d just screw with my karma anyway.

I give him a shaky smile and then moving very slowly and with infinite care I take the glass of water from him and drink the whole thing.

All hail the straw! Best invention ever!

Meanwhile, Maria rushes over to Alex and says “Crackers! We need crackers!” as she grabs him by the shirt.

Overdramatic much?

“Hey, I’m not your personal errand boy, you know. You are not the boss of me” Alex says, straightening his clothing.

I’ve warned Alex about choosing his battles . . .

I’d shake my head if I were capable of movement.

Maria calmly looks at Alex and says “Well I can recall a time when I was the boss of you.”

“Yeah, but in my defense, I was like 6 and you were holding Mr. Huggleberry hostage. Extenuating circumstances” he says as way of explanation. “Besides I wanna stay with Lizzie. Max can go” Alex says and they both turn to look at Max.

Is it my imagination or can I actually hear their heads turning?

Waaaaay too loud!

I’ll be hearing what they’re thinking next . . .

Freakin’ hangover!


Max’s POV

So it looks like I’m cracker-bound.

I have no idea why Maria thinks crackers are gonna help though. I mean, yeah, they’re great for nausea when you’re pregnant, but for a hangover?

But hey, if there’s one thing I’ve learned from Michael, it’s never to question Maria when she’s in take-charge mode.

I look down at Liz again, who somehow still manages to look beautiful even though I can tell she feels far from it. My heart breaks at how much pain she’s obviously in. I’d swear she flinches every time our heads move.

Are things really that loud in her head?

I’m definitely gonna have to relieve her suffering a little bit before I go. I mean, what good are ‘super-secret alien powers’ (Maria’s words) if I can’t help Liz with her hangover?

“Sure, no problem” I whisper. “I’ll go get crackers.”

I tuck some hair back behind Liz’s ear and allow my fingers to linger there for a minute, expanding the water she just drank to hydrate her and also putting her back to sleep at the same time. When she wakes up she should feel a hundred percent better.

She yawns and just as I’m about to get up from this ridiculous chair I’m sitting in, she says

“Max?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m sorry for mooning you or, or taking off your pants or whatever I did last night, I don’t know what came over me . . . “ she mutters.

My mouth drops open.

“Uh Liz, you didn’t . . .” I start to say. But she’s already asleep.

An explanation that’ll have to wait till later I guess . . .

What the heck does she think happened last night?!


~~~

Maria’s POV

So Liz has been asleep for awhile now.

Max came back with the crackers I asked for, which I needed because I was totally out. I mean, cheese and crackers without the crackers is just me eating cheese from a can a.k.a. just wrong . . .

I’m not Alex!

Anyway, Liz seems to be sleeping peacefully, but every once in awhile I hold a mirror under her nose to make sure she’s still breathing . . . Just in case.

Knock, knock

Great! It figures that just when I’m settling in with my mid-morning snack, someone would choose to stop by.

I rush to the door to open it before Liz wakes up. And there Kyle stands, looking back over his shoulder, with a puzzled look on his face.

“Hey Maria” he says as he notices I’ve opened the door.

“Hey Kyle. Can you keep it down a bit? Liz is hung over and I don’t wanna wake her . . Speaking of which, you had to be way more plastered than Liz. Shouldn’t you be hung over right now?”

“What do you mean? Liz was drunk?” he asks, shocked.

“Yeah, she got ahold of some jello at your party last night and didn’t know it had alcohol in it. She’s been puking her guts out ever since.”

Just a slight exaggeration.

Besides Kyle should feel guilty . . . very, very guilty.

“Liz was at the party last night? I didn’t see her there . . ”

“Kyle, you were so plastered, the Care Bears could have been there and you wouldn’t have noticed” I say.

“That’s not tr-. . .” he starts but trails off at my knowing look. “Ok, ok, so maybe it is true, but still . . .”

“So you still haven’t told me. How come you’re not in a room hidden from bright light and loud sounds?”

“Well, we had this frat brother who was pre-med who told us all we have to do is drink lots of water and take two aspirin before we go to bed and vòila, no hangover!”

“And that works?“ I ask surprised.

“Yeah, it’s something about alcohol drying out the system and hangovers being the result of dehydration, so if you drink water before you go to bed, like a 2-to-1 ratio of water to alcohol, you won’t be sick in the morning.”

I file this nifty information away for future reference. Who knew it was so easy to avoid a hangover?

Just then, Alex comes walking up and spots Kyle. “Hey Kyle, wanna play?” he says as he holds up his super soakers.

“Sure!” Kyle says and rushes off.

I shake my head.

Boys and their toys.

Awhile later I’m heading to the bathroom and get halfway down the hall when Alex stumbles out in front of me, soaking wet and feigning a death scene. Slow motion, bad acting and all. As only Alex can.

I step over him as he twitches a little and then lays still.

Just then Kyle comes walking up looking triumphant and says to Alex “Remember, you have to stay dead for a full three minutes or I get an extra reload.”

Then he turns to me and says “Did you know there’s a naked guy running around out here?”

tbc . . .

[Assilem_1]

A/N: Mirae01 and Natalie36 thanks for the support! This is the last of the reposting . . . I really do hope to post a new part within the next few days . . . You know, barring natural catastrophes, accidents, and/or random acts of god . . . . . .


Part 9

Liz’s POV

So it’s lunchtime and I’m sitting in the cafeteria holding my head in my hands . . .

No, my head doesn’t hurt anymore. In fact, all traces of my hangover are gone . . . or at least all physical traces of my hangover are gone.

But that just leaves me clear-headed enough to remember the things I did last night . . .

Boy do I miss my hangover!

Wow. What’s wrong with that sentence?

“Liz are you still sulking?” Maria says as she sets her tray down across from me and sits down.

“Sulking? Sulking?! Maria I humiliated myself last night! This is not sulking, this is . . .” I pause, trying to think of the right word. “. . . Ok, so fine! I don’t know what this is, but it’s definitely not sulking!”

“Oh! I know what’ll cheer you up!” Maria says excitedly. “How about we go shopping??” and she looks so proud of herself at this idea. It’s really a shame I’m about to shoot her down.

Oh well.

“Maria!” I respond with false enthusiasm. Maria practically bounces in her seat. “How ‘bout we don’t and say we did?!” I say just as excitedly.

I mean, this is sooo not gonna be fixed with shopping . . .

Now it takes a second to penetrate Maria’s euphoric brain that I just shot her down but when she gets it she goes “Hey!!!”

I just quirk an eyebrow at her and she sighs.

“Liz, last night wasn’t all bad. It did end with one Max Evans carrying you home. And he even stopped by this morning to see how you were doing! That’s further than you two have gotten since you’ve known each other.”

I groan.

“Can we not talk about Max? . . . I vomited in front of the man for heaven’s sake!”

“Yes, but said ‘man’ held your hair back while you did. He has to feel something for you!”

“Yeah Maria, it’s called ’Disgust’ . . . and ‘Hey, should I tell her she has vomit in her hair?’”

Maria looks at me as I hold some strands in front of my face to inspect them . . . Flashbacks of this morning coming back when I looked in the mirror to discover, you guessed it! Vomit in my hair!

Yuck!

Yeah, it was my own vomit, but still . . .

Yes, it’s a sad day when the best thing you can say is ‘At least it was my own vomit.’

“Oh Lizzie! You didn’t really have vomit in your hair, did you?” Maria says sympathetically.

I let go of the strands and let my head fall onto my arms on the table. “Can we talk about something else please?” I say, my voice coming out muffled against my arm.

“Sure . . .” she says hesitantly while patting my shoulder. “How about the new friend you apparently made last night . . . I think their name was . . . ‘Tidy’?”

My head snaps up.

“Oh my god!! Toilet Tidy!”

Then I just groan and drop my head back down again.

“Huh?” Maria says, obviously confused.

“Maria, Tidy is the name I gave to the toilet I was throwing up in last night” I say.

Maria barely holds in a giggle.

“Now do you see why I am, as you said . . . sulking? I talked to a toilet last night Maria! And I didn’t just talk, I held a whole conversation with Tidy . . . He didn’t have much to say, but he was a good listener . . .” My head falls back onto the table. “I am such a loser” I say into my arm.

“Oh Lizzie, you’re not a loser . . . You’re just an almost-winner . . .”

“Maria!” I say, giving her a warning look. “You promised you wouldn’t use any more of those wacky inspirational sayings on me, remember?”

“Yeah, but that one so totally fit the situation . . .” she starts then trails off at my annoyed look.

“Ok, fine, fine! But don’t look at me when you’re in need of inspiration . . .”

“Yeah, I’ll try not to” I say sarcastically.

I mean, her little book of Inspiration has brought forth pearls, such as . . . ‘There’s no such thing as failure, just success at finding what doesn’t work’ and who could forget the whole chapter dedicated to ‘Conquering loneliness through ventriloquism’?

Wacky doesn’t even begin to cover it.

Anyway, me, head on table, missing my hangover . . .

“Oh Lizzie. Max Evans at 2 o’clock . . .” Maria says.

“Huh?”

My slow brain is just not computing right now. Then I get it and look up. And sure enough, there’s Max at the entrance to the cafeteria, looking around.

“Oh.Dear.God. Maria! Hide me! Pretend I’m not here! Where can I hide?” I say, frantically looking around.

You don’t know how much I wish for invisible pills right now . . . Or that hole in the ground to swallow me up . . . whichever . . .

“Liz? What is so bad? So he saw you throw up? No big deal” she says as I dive under the table.

“Yeah, but I also went up to him and checked out his underwear too” I whisper from under the table.

“You checked out his underwear?!” Maria says, surprised.

“Yeah, you know, boxers or briefs?“ Which is all I need to say for Maria to understand.

“Ok, shush Lizzie. He’s coming this way” she whispers and then I hear “Hi Max!”

“Hey Maria, didn’t I just see . . . ?” He trails off and then I see a set of sneakers step in front me. Then I see knees, a well-defined torso, a head, and then curious amber eyes . . .

“Liz?” he says questioningly.

“Uh, hey Max! Nope Maria, it’s not down here” I say loudly as I get up, trying to pretend I wasn’t cowering like a little beeyotch just a moment ago.

Max helps me up and asks “What were you looking for?”

“Um . . .”

My dignity? My pride? My self respect?

All things I apparently lost last night . . .

I look at Maria’s tray and say “Uh . . . Maria’s meatball . . .”

Yeah, that’ll work, good thinking Liz! Duh!

“Yeah, um . . . Don’t wanna litter, you know?” I say as I’m uncomfortably sitting down.

Maria just nods like one of those dolls on the dashboard. I don’t think she can stop.

“I guess?” Max says, scratching behind his ear.

And this is me . . . melting . . .

If only he didn’t see me with vomit in my hair!

Maria finally gets her neck muscles under control and says “So Max! What brings you to the cafeteria on this bright and sunny day? . . . You know, besides the need for sustenance . . .”

“I was actually looking for Michael . . . Have you seen him?”

“Yeah, he was headed to the art supply store when we were headed here.”

Max nods “Ok, thanks.”

And me? I’m trying a new tactic . . .

It’s called ‘Denial’.

Ok, so maybe it's not so new . . . Anyway, I think it’s working because I’m hearing the theme song to Scooby Doo in my head . . .

“Scooby scooby doo, where are you? . . .”

But then I lock eyes with Max . . . and Denial land just crumbles . . .

Sigh.

Bye Scooby . . .

Fine, since Denial didn’t work, I’m seriously considering clicking my heels together and chanting ’There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home.’

But how silly will I look if it doesn’t work?

Well yeah, ‘cause that’s the biggest concern I have right now, right?

Riiiiight.

“Liz how are you feeling?” Max asks, his attention focused once again on me.

“Um, I’m fine, I’m good” I nod. “Actually, I’m better than good, I’m oh-kay!” I say giving him a corny smile and raising my hand to make an okay symbol with my thumb and forefinger.

I see it happening, but I can’t stop!

“Oh-k” Max says hesitantly.

Then he fidgets with his backpack and says “You know Liz, about last night . . .”

Oh god. Oh god. Oh god. Oh god.

Please make it stop!

What can I do? What can I say?!?

Denial! Denial is my friend right?

“Oh yeah, you know I don’t remember anything?” I say nonchalantly. Or at least nonchalant is what I was going for. It may have come out high-pitched and weird. I’m not really sure.

“Really?” he says and almost looks disappointed. “You don’t remember anything?”

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it!

“Nope, not a thing after the jello shots . . . It’s all just fuzzy and vague . . . and smushy, can’t forget smushy!” I say and give him a cheesy grin.

Dear god, what’s wrong with me?!?

“Well all that matters is that you’re feeling better” he says as he adjusts his backpack again.

I just nod.

“Well, I guess I’ll catch you guys later” he says as he stuffs his hands in his pockets, echoes of “Bye Max” coming from me and Maria as he walks away.

As he disappears through the cafeteria doors, I shake my head dully. “Did I just use the word ‘smushy’ in a sentence?”

“Yeah, twice actually” Maria answers sympathetically.

And now you know . . .

I have a split personality . . .

On the one side there’s calm, cool, collected Liz.

She and I get along great . . .

But then on the other side, there’s dorkus malorkus Liz . . . I like to call her ‘Evil Ted’ . . .

She’s not really evil, but it seemed fitting.

Ok, so maybe Alex has made me watch Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey one too many times.

Yep, it’s probably his fault . . .

Anyway, Evil Ted shows up at the darndest times!

I groan and drop my head once again.

“So which one was it?” Maria asks me.

“Huh?” I say without looking up.

“Boxers or briefs?”


Max’s POV

So I came into the cafeteria looking for Michael . . . Imagine my surprise when I saw Liz’s head just ducking beneath her table?

But hey, I guess looking for a fallen meatball is a valid lifestyle choice . . . Even though they are biodegradable . . . I think . . . You never know with cafeteria food.

Anyway, for a minute there I’d swear I heard Liz humming the theme song to Scooby Doo . . .

But I was probably just hearing things.

I had wanted to mention to Liz that she didn’t do anything embarrassing around me last night because she seemed to be avoiding eye contact with me . . . But how do you start that conversation?

‘Oh Liz, by the way, you didn’t moon me or take off my pants like you thought you did, so no worries’? . . .

Yeah, that would have gone over well and not embarrassed her!

Ah well, I guess it’s best that she doesn’t remember anything . . . No awkward explanations needed . . .

But now my problem is I can't get that Scooby Doo song out of my head! It just keeps replaying and replaying and . . .

Sigh.

It's gonna be a long day . . .


Liz’s POV

So, like a minute after Max exits the cafeteria, Alex comes running in yelling “Ahhhhhhhh!!!!”

Then as the whole cafeteria turns to look at him, he tries to pretend he made a normal, human entrance.

He spots us and runs up to our table.

“Alex, what is it?!?” I ask, concerned.

“There was . . .” he pauses to catch his breath “a really big bee behind me!”

Yes, Alex has been taking lessons from Maria on how to be a drama queen.

“Alex, no matter how big it was, it was still just a bee” I say, trying to be the voice of reason.

“Yeah, it couldn’t have been that big, not like that one that chased me that time my cypress oil spilled all over me. That bee was humongous! And I think it had a gun!” Maria says, opening her eyes really wide in that way she has to express horror.

“Right Maria . . . Last time you said it had a knife . . . Now this time it had a gun? Your stories are waaaay outta control” I say, rolling my eyes.

“Anyway!” Alex says, drawing attention back to himself. “I was coming here to see how Lizzie was feeling and I had this muffin, but the bee wanted it, so I had to drop it and run.” And then he sits down at the table and starts eating off Maria’s plate.

“Hey, greedy boy! Why are you eating my food?” Maria says as she swats his hand away from her sandwich.

“Did you not hear the muffin story? Besides, running for your life can make a guy hungry” he says as he grabs a fry and stuffs it in his mouth.

“Alex! It was a bee!” I say again.

“Hey, you can die from a bee sting!”

“Other people can die from bee stings . . . You ‘re not even allergic!”

“I could be though.”

“Yeah, and I could sprout wings and fly, but that only happens on Tuesdays.”

Might as well continue the insanity, right?

“Troy Ackal at 4 o’clock and he’s actually wearing clothes this time” Maria interrupts our chatter to say.

I look over and sure enough, there’s Troy and he is indeed fully clothed . . . but probably only because the cafeteria has a strict no shirt, no shoes, no service policy. That’s the most clothing I’ve seen on him since we returned from break.

I have to say it’s a relief . . . I was beginning to think he had thrown all his clothes out or something . . .

And then another memory assails me.

“Oh my god, you guys, that reminds me! Last night for the first time I thought I finally understood Troy’s lack-of-clothing tendencies!” I exclaim.

Maria looks up from her lunch with interest and an eyebrow quirked . . . Mainly because we spent most of our first month in our new dorm psychoanalyzing Troy’s strange naked behavior . . . We came up with all kinds of theories . . . like he came from a family of nudists or maybe he was like the Incredible Hulk and clothes just rip off him when he gets angry or something . . .

“I had this whole theory of clothes-stealing gnomes that steal-“ They both give me looks that say I must have gone insane so I wrap it up “-clothes, but yeah, that theory made perfect sense in my jello-shot-induced haze, but obviously in the light of day, I’m seeing things differently . . .” I say and put on my best I-am-sane look.

It actually gets more practice than you’d think.

Maria speaks up “Yeah cause that’s just silly . . .”

I nod my head. Of course she’s right, what was I thinking? Clothes-stealing gnomes? Pshaw!

She continues. “It’s a well known fact that gnomes steal underpants, not all of your clothing . . .”

Oh-kay . . .

Did I just hallucinate or did she just say that gnomes steal underpants?

“Ok, am I still drunk?” I ask her. She shakes her head no. “Are you drunk? ‘Cause somebody’s gotta be drunk in this conversation.”

Maria just rolls her eyes and goes back to eating her sandwich.

Alex says to me “So, clothes stealing gnomes huh?”

“Yeah, and evil jello . . . Don’t ask!” I say at his questioning look. “Last night is like the freakin’ train that could . . . It just keeps going and going and going . . . No wait, that’s the Energizer Bunny . . . Oh just whatever!” I say and my head flops down on my arms again. “Loser” I mutter to myself.

Alex rests his arm lightly on my shoulder. “Did Maria lay that ‘almost winner’ thing on you already?”

“Yeah I did, but she hated it” Maria pipes in, shaking her head like she doesn’t get why. I look at Alex “Why?”

“’Cause I was gonna throw it out there if she hadn’t.” He pats my shoulder. “We’ll do ice cream later” he says reassuringly.

“Ok, but no rum raisin” I mutter.

Alcohol is not my friend . . . not even pretend alcohol.

“Alex seriously, get your own food already! You have a meal plan, it’s practically free!” Maria says as Alex is reaching for another fry.

“Fine” he says, “but see if I share when you’re chased by a bee and have to drop your food.”

“Yeah, gotta say . . . Not too worried about that” Maria replies.

Alex walks away grumbling and I watch him go.

Someone walks by with jello and I flinch because it’s jiggling.

Will this day never end?!?

Yeah, I know technically it just started, but still . . .


Maria’s POV

So I’m over at Michael’s apartment fixing dinner.

‘Why?’ you ask.

Well, because Michael and I had this argument about how I can’t cook and I am determined to prove him wrong, that’s why!

Humph!

So on the menu we have baked potatoes, mixed vegetables, and country fried steak . . .

Yes, I know, a rather large undertaking for someone whose idea of dinner is a box of Krispy Kremes and a Snapple, but I have something to prove tonight. I refuse to live in a world where Michael is right!

I slam the bowl down on the counter and reach for the strainer for the vegetables.

Ok, so fine, maybe I need to calm down a little.

Good air in, Bad air out . . . Good air in, Bad air out . . .

There, now I feel calmer.

I had to send Michael away for a while because he kept getting in the way. I tell you, the guy cooks in the Crashdown for a couple of years and he thinks he’s a master chef!

Anyway, I put two potatoes in the microwave and set the timer.

See? I can totally do this cooking thing!

So I’ve just dipped the steak in the coating I’ve whipped up for it and now I’m pouring the flour.

Everything is going great . . . until the world explodes . . .


Liz’s POV

“So why are we headed to Michael’s apartment again?” Alex asks me for the umpteenth time since I dragged him from in front of the television. He was watching Baywatch and totally didn’t want to leave.

“Because Maria is cooking and we have to take her the secret ingredient for the vegetables . . .”

“And what is that again?” Alex asks as he swipes the bag from me.

I stay silent and wait for the outburst.

“Salt? Salt! Maria’s secret ingredient is salt?!?” Alex exclaims, outraged. “I left the ladies of Baywatch for this??” Before I can answer he continues “And who doesn’t have salt anyway?”

“Alex, this is Michael. She’s lucky he has dishes” I say.

“Fine, at least the vcr is set . . . But did I leave a tape in there?” he says worriedly as he’s handing the bag back to me.

We get to Michael’s building just as he’s walking up.

I nod a greeting but Alex just gives a lackluster wave and continues to sulk. Michael raises an eyebrow and Alex mutters “Missing Baywatch.” Michael just nods his head in understanding.

Must be a guy thing.

Anyway . . .

“Hey Michael” I say as he precedes us into the building. “How come you’re not in your apartment with Maria?”

“She sent me out because she said . . .” He trails off and looks embarrassed.

“You were getting on her nerves, weren’t you?” I say.

His only answer is a grunt as he opens the door to his apartment.

He calls out Maria’s name as we follow him to the kitchen.

“What the?”

“The hell?”

“Dun dun duhn”

Of course that last one was Alex.

Anyway, we are all shocked because there’s Maria, standing in the middle of Michael’s kitchen, looking totally upset and completely covered in flour . . .

Alex, after he recovers from his shock, starts laughing and very soon Michael joins him.

Now me, I smother my laughter and approach Maria and ask her in a very practiced, but concerned voice “What happened Maria?”

Alex and Michael quiet down to hear her explanation.

Now that I’m closer, I can see there’s even flour in her eyelashes!

Must remain calm. Must not laugh. Must remain calm . . .

“Everything was going fine” she says. “Then the baked potatoes exploded in the microwave and I jumped and then there was all this flour and everything was bad . . .”

Must remain calm. Must not- . . .

Little flour clouds are actually rising from her as she’s flailing her arms about.

Yup, that’s all she wrote boys and girls . . .

I couldn’t hold it in any longer and I burst out laughing too.

By this time, Michael and Alex are practically holding each other up, they’re laughing so hard.

Maria just huffs and goes stomping past us. “In the immortal words of Cartmen, ‘Screw you guys, I’m going home’” she says as she’s almost to the door.

Michael attempts to reign in his laughter and goes after her.

“Maria, Maria wait!” he calls out.

Maria just keeps stomping. She’s leaving little flour trails behind her on the carpet.

“Now we can find our way home” Alex says, pointing at her footprints.

And I had just started to calm down. Now he’s got me started all over again!

“Pixie?” Michael calls out.

That stops Maria in her tracks.

She once told me that she melts inside when he calls her that.

Michael gathers her in his arms, flour drenched and all, and begins whispering to her that they can salvage dinner. That it’s ok.

See and this is the other side to Michael and Maria’s relationship.

Alex mock sighs and goes “Aww, the softer side of Sears . . .”

And this is me, dropping the bag on the counter and dragging Alex to the door.

“However will we find our way home now?” Alex wails, pointing to where Maria’s footprints stop.

What’d I tell you? No help at all . . .

“Alex, isn’t there a Baywatch tape with your name on it somewhere?”

That shuts him up.

And with that I firmly close the door behind us.

Michael and Maria don’t even notice we’re gone.

~~~

Maria comes strolling into our room a few hours later. She doesn’t have as much flour on her, but you can still tell it happened.

Alex puts down his ice cream container and gets up.

“You know what this means Maria?” he says to her as he gestures toward the flour still on her clothes.

“No, what does it mean?” she says, hands on hips.

“You have officially earned the Alex Whitman ‘Dance of Shame’” he says and starts dancing.

“Alex” Maria says warningly.

“No Maria, if I got the dance of shame for the jello shot debacle, you totally deserve it for your adventures in cooking” I say.

Aren’t friends grand?

I get out of the way as Alex shimmies and I hear Maria fussing “Alex don’t-! what are you-? Don’t you dare start doing the running man!”

Yes, Alex is an equal-opportunity shame-maker . . .

Gotta love him.

[Assilem_1]

Part 10


Maria’s POV

Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep

“Ugh!” I groan, pulling the covers over my head.

Stupid alarm clock. People are trying to sleep here!

Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep

I cram my head under my pillow and snuggle further under the covers, trying to block out the sound . . .

“Maria, get up already!” Liz complains.

I sigh and pry open one eyelid, peeking out of my makeshift cocoon. And of course I promptly get hit in the face with a pillow, courtesy of Liz.

Yeah, the girl has no athletic ability whatsoever, but she sure can aim a pillow.

“Fine! I’m up, I’m up!” I say, blinking both eyes open and hitting the off button on the annoyingly stupid alarm.

Ugh.

I hate Mondays . . .


Max’s POV

“It’s another sunny day in Albuquerque, New Mexico. Temperatures will reach 76 with a chance of rain later in the evening. Now let’s take a look at the roads . . .”

My hand blindly reaches out and hits the snooze button.

Just 10 more minutes, that’s all I need . . . I mean, it’s not like I have to be the first one in class . . .

Sleep is way more important than class.

Besides, this whole obsession with being the best is way overrated.

From now on I’m gonna aim for adequate . . .

Yawn.

Yeah, adequate is good . . .


Isabel’s POV

“No matter how hard I try
You keep pushing me aside
And I can't break through
There's no talking to you”

No no no no no no no!

“It's so sa-a-ad that you're leaving
Takes ti-i-ime to believe it”

This is not happening!

“But after all is said and done
You're gonna be the lonely one Oh”

Every morning I have to wake up to Cher’s Believe like there’s no other song in the friggin’ universe!

”Do you believe in life after love”

God, please help me to not kill my roommate . . .

Murder is wrong, right?

“I can feel something inside me say
I really don't think you're strong enough now”

At this point my oh-so-perky roommate, Ginger, pops up and turns off the alarm while smiling.

“Good morning!” she exclaims happily at me.

Ok, so who wakes up at, I turn to look at the clock, 7:01 on a Monday morning smiling?

I just . . . I want to poke her head with a pin and watch it fly around the room as the air goes out . . .

“Do you believe in life after love?”

Yes, now Ginger is actually doing her own personal impression of Cher and singing to herself as she’s getting ready, high-pitched voice and all, bouncing around the room.

Ughhhh!

I whip the covers off, grab my shower stuff and stomp out of the room.

You know, it can’t be healthy to get this annoyed so early in the morning . . .

Sigh.

I hate my life.

Definitely getting a single next year . . .


Alex’s POV

“Alex!”

“Huh? Wha?” I sit up in bed. Why is Doug yelling my name?

And I was just getting to the good part of my dream!

“Why aren’t you up? Don’t you have a class now?” he says to me as he closes the door and plops down with his breakfast.

“No” I say as I’m turning over “I don’t have to get up yet, the alarm hasn’t even gone off . . .” I trail off as I look at the Spiderman clock that I had since I was a kid.

That can’t be the time . . . Can it?

“Is that right? Is it really 8 o’clock?” I ask Doug.

“Actually it’s 8:27” Doug says, glancing at his watch.

“Spiderman, why have you forsaken me?” I say, looking forlornly at my clock.

Spiderman just kinda blinks the wrong time at me and says nothing.

“Yeah, that’s helpful, really” I say sarcastically before I sigh and sink back into my bed.

My next class isn’t till 11, I’m going back to sleep.

Maybe tomorrow will be better . . .


Maria’s POV

Ok, so I’m sitting in my first class of the day and I so would rather be back in my bed sleeping . . .

Mr. Kenneth is going on and on about . . . something . . . and I’m so sleeeeepy . . .

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

-
-
-
-

“And in conclusion . . .”

Huh?

Did I just hear him utter the three sweetest words in the English language?

“For our next class . . .”

Yes, I think I did!

Oh thank god! This class is finally almost over! What was I thinking when I signed up for an 8 o’clock class?

Ok, so I wipe the drool off my chin and look around surreptitiously to see if anyone noticed.

Nope, I think I’m in the clear.

So I gather my books together, preparing to make a quick getaway and I almost make it when I hear “Miss Deluca, a word?”


Liz’s POV

So I’m sitting on a bench in the quad when Maria comes walking up with an icepack pressed to her forehead.

“Ooh ‘Ria, what happened?” I ask her.

She sits down next to me and begins her tale.

“Well, Mr. Kenneth has this new TA right? And I fell asleep in class and apparently he noticed so . . .”

And the amazing adventures of Maria Deluca begins.

“So he sent his new TA, Ben, after me . . .”

Ok, now I’m still trying to understand what this has to do with an icepack and her forehead but I guess she’s getting there.

“I mean, this TA, he’s like 6, 7, no, 10 feet tall!”

Yes, we have officially departed reality boys and girls.

Didn’t see it coming did’ja?

“And I’m trying to get away from him and this stupid assignment I know he’s gonna give me, so I start running and he’s chasing me and I’m like ‘Oh no!’ . . . I mean, I look back and instead of running, he was flying! . . .”

Strap yourselves in, this is gonna be quite a ride.

“So I’m running . . . and looking back . . . running . . . and looking back . . . and then BAM!”

I look at her curiously.

“I hit a tree” she says as she adjusts the icepack.

I nod sympathetically, but then I raise an eyebrow.

“What?” she says, looking at me out of the corner of her eye.

“So what’s the real story?” I say.

“What makes you think that wasn’t the real story?” Maria says stubbornly.

“Well, the TA being 10 feet tall and flying kinda gave me a clue” I say reasonably.

Have I mentioned how out of control her stories are? But you already knew that, didn’t you?

“Ok, so fine, *maybe* I tripped over my own stupid feet and fell trying to get out of class” she says and sighs. “But wasn’t that other story so much more interesting?” she says, dropping the icepack disgustedly on the bench beside her and feeling the lump on her forehead.

“Yeah, it was kinda like when Alex sprained his ankle playing basketball and tried to convince us that he’d hurt it jumping over the net . . .”

Yes, my friends definitely keep it interesting.

Speaking of which . . .

Alex comes walking out of his dorm looking well rested. I call out to him and he grins as he strolls over.

“Hello ladies” he says in greeting as I make room for him on the bench.

Maria turns huffily away but Alex is sitting down so he doesn’t notice.

“Didn’t you have a class this morning?” I say, surprised to see him.

“Yeah, but my temperamental alarm clock decided not to wake me up.”

“Again?” I say.

He nods.

“Alex, I think it might be time to get a new clock. A clock has only 2 jobs: tell time and wake you up and yours is batting 0 for 2.”

“Yeah, but it’s my Spiderman clock!. . .” he trails off as I look at him.

“What are you, 12?” I say.

I mean really, Spiderman?

“Like you should talk, girl-with-purring-clock” he says to me.

Before I can respond, Maria says tauntingly “Ooh, insult her clock . . . Hit her where it hurts.”

“So you’re still mad at me for the Dance of Shame, huh?” Alex says as he takes a sip of my coffee.

“You’re dead to me!” she says as she faces away from him.

Alex starts digging in his backpack and comes out with some peanut chews. “I have chocolate” he says hopefully and holds them out to her.

Turning back to him and taking the candy, she says “Ok, you’re alive again.”

“Whew, thanks” Alex says, wiping his forehead in exaggerated relief.

“Yeah, whatever Alex, you know you can’t live without me” Maria says, opening a peanut chew and chewing happily.

“Can’t live without you, can’t keep chocolate” Alex mutters. Then he gets a good look at her forehead and says “Oh man, what happened?”

“Well Mr. Kenneth has this new TA right? . . .”

And here we go again . . .


Maria’s POV

Ok, so, for the record, I am not like one of those people who loves school.

This is known.

I’m not Liz, who is famous for not only looking forward to the start of a new school year, but living in the school supplies section in all stores that have one . . . Seriously . . . She got so obsessed one year, she actually made me and Alex wait outside the store with her till it opened because she’d heard they were coming out with new trapper keepers.

Anyway, regardless, here I am, seeking higher education and all that.

You’d think that’d be enough to satisfy some people . . . But nooooo . . . They have to keep bringing up the fact that your major is still undeclared . . .

What’s up with that?

Ok so fine, the reason for the rant?

My Soc teacher just totally cornered me to try to get me to make my major Sociology and totally put me in a bad mood . . .

And that, along with my minor head injury is making Maria Deluca not a happy camper.

How did I leave my cedar oil on the dresser?

Stupid Monday!

Ok, so fine where are my gummy worms?

I’m searching around and triumphantly pull a bag out of a corner pocket.

Don’t tell anyone but I have these bags stashed everywhere!

I sigh pulling a gummy worm out of the bag and chewing on it.

“Now that’s the stuff” I say, in heaven, as I continue down the stairs, getting looks from various people because I have half a gummy worm dangling out of my mouth.

But do I care?

Nope!

“Take a picture, it’ll last longer!” I mutter as I glare at all the looky-loo’s who then look away.

So chewing that one up and popping in another, I’m just entering gummy worm nirvana, and the quad, when Michelle Chancy, who is also in my Soc class, comes running out of the building and up to me, slightly out of breath.

“Maria!” she calls out.

“Yeah?” I say as I spin around and my gummy worm slaps me in the cheek.

Michelle looks slightly taken aback by the candy hanging out of my mouth but recovers quickly. “Uh, so I finished my part of the project and we should probably uh” she eyes my gummy worm dubiously like it’s gonna attack her “we should probably get together before class Wednesday to discuss it . . .”

I chew up the rest of the gummy worm as I exclaim “Really? So the case is dealt with?”

“Quesadilla?” Alex says hopefully as he comes walking up to us and nods at Michelle.

“No Alex, strangely enough we were not talking about Mexican cheese wraps . . . We were talking about class . . . I think someone’s hearing with his stomach again. Gotta get this guy some food” I say, turning back to Michelle. “Let’s just meet up tomorrow around 2, at the library?” I say to her. She nods and scurries off.

I think she might have gummy worm fear.

What?

Liz is afraid of Jello. Michelle could be afraid of gummy worms . . .

“Hey is that gummy worms?” Alex asks.

Crap.

Before, something was telling me to eat quickly, but nooo I had to savor. Now I have to share . . .

After I grudgingly hand Alex the bag, he throws an arm over my shoulder. “So what do you think for lunch? Culinary Building?”

Hmm. We usually only go there when we’re totally sick of cafeteria food, but why not? Liz already told us she wouldn’t be joining us and it’s Monday.

I shrug and allow myself to be led away from the cafeteria . . .


Liz’s POV

Ok, so I’m sitting at my desk trying to work on this paper that’s due in a few weeks when Maria comes in with a clearly in distress Alex behind her.

He groans and immediately makes his way to my bed and collapses on it.

“Alex, what’s wrong?” I say as he groans again.

“Mi estomago no es bueno” he says as he clutches his stomach.

Yes, he just said ‘My stomach is not good.’

Ok, so it’s already been established that Alex’s Spanish is basically remedial.

Anyway . . .

“Alex found a chili-tasting contest” Maria says, patting him sympathetically.

Alex just groans again.

“I tried to warn him that he probably shouldn’t try any chili with the words ‘Legal Lip Remover’ in the name, but did he listen? Nooooo. Now he probably doesn’t have any stomach lining left” Maria says to me, waving her arms at Alex.

“Hey, they made me a judge!” Alex says from his fetal position on the bed.

“No one else wanted the job, that should have been your first clue.”

“Hey, I did good till the end. Even though it sort of irritated me when that one judge asked me to stop screaming” Alex says.

I look at him questioningly.

“That last one was reeeeaaally hot!” he explains as he curls into a tighter ball on the bed, grimacing.

“Yes, and once again we’re talking about the chili with the words ‘Legal Lip Remover’ in it’s name. Alex, what were you thinking?” Maria says to him, shaking her head.

“I was thinking ‘free chili’. Besides, taste buds grow back, right?” he asks worriedly.

I try not to laugh as I’m reassuring him that they do . . . I mean, I’m like 70 percent sure that they do. Ok, 60 percent, probably . . .

“Poor Alex” Maria says as she pats him on the head. Then she notices the time. “Ooh! I’m gonna go check the mail, I’ll be right back!” she says as she rushes from the room.

“Thanks for your support” Alex calls sarcastically from the bed. Then he looks at me. “What does it mean when your stomach is bubbling?” he asks as he groans again.

“Oh Alex” I say as I hand him the bottle of Pepto Bismol which he proceeds to chug.

Ok, so it’s actually Pink Bismuth.

We’re struggling college students. We can’t afford brand names!

Maria comes rushing back into the room. “Guess what came today?” she says excitedly as she holds up a package.

Ok, so some of us are struggling. Maria’s perfecting the art of buying on credit.

Or as she calls it ‘The beauty of the minimum payment . . .’

Anyway, I look over at her and she’s holding up . . . No, it can’t be! . . .

“The exercise video I ordered came!” she squeals happily.

Now it’s my turn to groan . . .

This is yet another video Maria’s gonna expect me to work out with her to.

“Nuh-uh Maria” I say, shaking my head. I back slowly towards the door . . .

“Come on Lizzie, don’t you wanna be toned?” she says.

But nope, it’s not gonna work this time. Elizabeth Parker has done her last kick-ball-change . . .

It was in the last video . . . Oh nevermind! Anyway, it’s not gonna happen!


8 Minutes later

“ . . . Ok, we’re gonna do a kick ball change . . . One, two, three, kick ball change . . . kick it out, step, march . . . Come on rock those hips . . . Push it girl . . . You can do it . . . ”

Why is there always a kick-ball-change in these stupid videos?

Anyway, I’m huffing and puffing trying to keep up with this insane exercise lady.

Yes, so ok, I caved. It happens . . . Let’s move on!

“You guys have any more Pink Bismuth?” Alex calls from the bed.


10 Minutes later

“ . . . Slide, that’s one, slide, that’s two, now we’re gonna do a grapevine . . . One, two, three and lunge . . . Come on, get into it . . . You can do it, come on . . .”

Oh my freakin’ god!!! . . . This is ridiculous! No human can keep up with this video! . . . And if she says ‘You can do it!’ one more freakin’ time I swear I’m gonna step into that tv and kick her in the face!

Pant.

“Come on Liz!” Maria says, starting to really get into it.

Must.not.kill.best.friend. Might.regret.later.

“You can do it– Ow!” she yells.

No, I didn’t kick her in the face. I just threw the nearest thing I could find at her . . . Which just happened to be the empty bottle of Pink Bismuth.

She just huffs at me and keeps marching in place.

I hear a loud gurgling sound, which turns out to be Alex’s stomach.

“Ay caramba!” Alex moans from the bed.


5 minutes later

“ . . . One, two three and lunge . . . Come on, get into it . . . This will never hurt you . . . If you do it right . . . One more time, get ready, cross, back, out and lunge . . .”

“Maria!” I pant out to an equally out of breath best friend.

“Hu- huh?” she gasps out.

“Can we go back to the trampoline? The trampoline totally deserves another try!” I say, huffing and puffing. “Besides, do we really want Buns of Steel?”

At this point I’m not even trying to do what they’re doing on the screen anymore. I’m basically just throwing my arms out and lifting my legs. Screw exercise! . . . Huh, that should be on a t-shirt . . . Or ‘Just screw it’ . . . Whichever . . .

I continue. “Abs of Steel I can see, but do we really want an ass we can bounce a quarter off of?” I say to her.

“ . . . Ok, from the very top, here we go! . . .”

“The contractions are coming 5 minutes apart now” Alex groans from the bed.

Yes, the chili has apparently put Alex in labor.

Are my friends dramatic or what?

Maria collapses on the floor, back of her hand placed dramatically to her forehead. “I can’t go on!” she says.

Yep, case in point.

Thank god! I can stop pretending to exercise now! I collapse beside her.

Where’s that darn remote?

“. . . That’s right, lift those legs! Doesn’t it feel great? . . . Come on, you can do it! . . . And not only will you feel better, you’ll look better too-”

Click.

“Thank god Liz, I was about to go into the tv and open up a can of whoop ass on her toned ass!” Maria says from her sprawled position next to me on the floor.

Yup, just what I was thinking but was too out of breath to say . . . Anyway . . .

“Hee Hee Hoo, Hee Hee Hoo . . .”

We both look over at Alex who is now doing breathing exercises.

“Ok when did Alex start giving birth?” Maria asks.


Maria’s POV

So Liz and I went to the classes we had left for the day, while Alex stayed in our room moaning and groaning.

Yep, chili is definitely not his friend . . .

Anyway, after an extended trip to the bathroom, which I prefer not to think about, he was feeling better. He muttered something about explosive diarrhea when he came back which definitely falls into the ‘Too Much Information’ category. So I’m practicing selective memory techniques and we didn’t hear that, agreed?

Agreed.

“Why are we here again?” Alex whines as we’re putting utensils on our trays, following behind us half-heartedly.

“We’re here for dinner and you’re here because you said you could use some fresh air” I answer.

“So you bring me to the cafeteria?” he whines.

“A girl’s gotta eat” I say heading towards the soups. Liz heads to the sandwiches.

Let’s see . . . Clam chowder, no . . . Split pea, not even . . .

Hello? Where’s the chicken noodle? . . . Or the cream of broccoli? . . . Give a girl something to work with here!

Fine, at least there’s still mystery pot three, you never know . . .

But peering down into it, wouldn’t you know? . . . Today of all days, the third pot is chili! Alex is gonna seriously freak!

I just gotta keep him away from-

“What kinda soups do they have? I could maybe do soup” Alex says from right behind me.

“Uh yeah Alex, nothing interesting” I say, trying to lead him away, but of course since he’s so much taller than me, he just looks over my shoulder and spots the chili.

I hear a muffled gasp and then he lightly pushes me out of the way and steps closer to the pot. Looking down into it, he says solemnly “So we meet again . . .”

Yes, apparently chili is now Alex’s new arch-nemesis . . . you know, right after really big bees . . . and mimes for some reason.

The chili bubbles a little and Alex flinches.

“Come on Alex, let’s go” I say, trying to drag him away.

Is it my imagination or is the chili bubbling even more?

Alex finally lets me pull him away, but not before he manages to yell “I’ll see you in hell!” to the chili.

Yep, it’s definitely Monday.

Sandwiches here we come!


Liz’s POV

. . . Ham, no . . . Tuna, too fishy . . . Turkey? Maybe . . .

“Hey Liz” a familiar voice says from behind me.

I turn around slowly and it’s Max, smiling down at me.

And oh, what a smile!

Did it just get hot in here? Or is it just Max?

Bad, bad Liz . . .

“Hey Max!” I say, way too enthusiastically.

I have got to do something about that.

Anyway, trying to draw attention away from me and my over-enthusiastic greeting, I notice Max is just carrying fruit juice. “That’s not all you’re having for dinner, is it?”

“I had a really big lunch” he says. “I found this chili contest in the culinary building . . .”

“Oh no, they didn’t get you too did they?”

“Huh?”

“Alex was a judge and he got really sick. Let’s just say if I never hear the phrase ‘explosive diarrhea’ again, it’ll be too soon.” And then my hand claps over my mouth.

Oh.Dear.God. Did I just use the words ‘explosive diarrhea’ in a sentence to Max Evans?!?

Why?! WHY?!? Why did Alex have to use that phrase and WHY did it have to get stuck in my head?!?

Max is practically choking on his laughter and me? I’m wishing for the anywhere-but-here scenario . . .

Not gonna happen, you say?

Well, what if I said “You did not just hear that . . . Ooooh” in a hypnotic voice?

No?

Well, oh! I forgot to mention that I’d wriggle my fingers too! It definitely won’t work without the wriggling fingers!

Ok, so yes, it is rather risky and it might not work, but what’s the alternative? Him getting that phrase stuck in his head and associating me with it and then suddenly I’m Explosive Diarrhea girl?

You see my options here?

Hypnotism not looking so bad now, huh?

Anyway . . .

“Is Alex ok?” Max asks before I can put my desperate, I mean good, plan into action.

“I’ll see you in hell!”

We both look over and see Alex yelling . . . at a pot of soup?

“What do you think?” I say as I turn back to Max.

Before he can answer, Maria spots us and calls out “Max!”

When she gets closer and Max spots her forehead, he says “Wow Maria, what-?”

“Don’t ask!” I say loudly, interrupting his question.

Maria glares and Max looks at me startled. Then Maria rolls her eyes at me, loops an arm in Max’s, grabs a sandwich and heads for the registers in full storyteller mode, I can tell.

Poor Max . . . I tried to warn him . . .

So following Maria’s lead, I grab a turkey sandwich and head that way too.

“So Alex, why were you yelling at the soup?” I say as he falls into step beside me.

“The chili bubbled at me!” he says, outraged, pointing back at the soups.

“ . . . He was 6, 7, no 10 feet tall! . . .” filters back to us from Maria.

Sigh.

Yes, boys and girls, in a world full of odd and often insane friends, Explosive Diarrhea girl stands alone as the last bastion of sanity . . .

What?

I’m just trying to get used to the new nickname . . . in case it sticks . . .

But ok, let’s think about this:

If she really were a super hero, what would her super power be? . . . And would you wanna be around when she uses it?

Wow . . . Kinda makes Drunk girl an appealing alternative, huh?

Although she wouldn’t be a very good role model, being drunk and all . . .

Not that Hangover girl is much better . . .

There would probably need to be a disclaimer . . . ‘Kids don’t try this at home . . .’ or something to that effect . . .

Where do I get these things?

“. . . . and instead of running he was flying! . . .”

Oh yeah, that’s right . . . I’m inspired by my *creative* friends . . .

“So how can I strike back at the chili?” Alex asks conspiratorially.

Once again I sigh.

How’d I get so lucky?

We catch up with Max and Maria after the registers and I notice that Max looks a little shell-shocked after hearing the whole story.

Alex and I call it ‘Maria Syndrome.’

“Her stories make more sense if you don’t listen that hard” I explain to Max and Alex nods to back me up.

Maria braces a hand over her heart and says dramatically “I can’t believe you’re downplaying my ordeal. You guys! I could have died!”

“From falling trying to get out of class?” I say with eyebrow raised.

Her expression falls as she goes “Oh yeah.”

See? She has told this story so many times she’s forgotten it’s not the truth.

“Well whatever” she says as her expression picks up. “I didn’t tell you about my dream last night!”

Oh no . . .

“Ok, so I was a puddle of water . . .”

tbc . . .


New part coming soon!