Stefuh- hehe The cuteness is all inspired by my niece and nephew's adorable mischievousness when they were toddlers. Thank you for commenting about the conversation between Fields and Max. I didn't see Max holding a grudge, especially for a man who helped keep his family and friends, especially Michael, safe. Happy to hear it read well.
Yay for Buffy fan! I loved that episode Jason was in, though more for the fact Jason was in it. I crushed so much on him back then. And oh, I don't know at all about Jason's feelings about vampires, the reference was purely to poke fun at the fact he played a character who obsessed about being a vampire and having eternal life through being undead. Thank you for the comment about Max thinking about the possibility of having kids with Liz. Hopefully, he'll be convinced it's not too dangerous to do so!keepsmiling7- Glad to hear it.
dreamon- Glad you were able to read it! Thanks!
Note: The content of this chapter is a big part of the reason I chose to post this story in the read at your own risk Alien Abyss forum. I tried my best to treat the sensitive topics as compassionately as possible. If anything offends anyone, I apologize, but for this story and these characters, it needed to be discussed.
No previously's for this one.
PART FIFTY-SIX
Max refused to look Liz in the eye after he had come back to the living room.
The tension and strain persistently present in Max’s face seemed to deepen into craggy lines along his jaw. Still he did his best to respond when the others addressed him. He even managed to eat a cookie out of politeness. Liz slightly frowned as she observed the pained sadness in Max’s expression as he watched Xan and Patrick making funny faces at each other as they mostly played with their cookies. Her heart ached for him as she remembered how hard he had sobbed when he had said goodbye to Zan the first time. She surmised it was even harder for him now.
With a surreptitious tilt of her head at Cal, she wordlessly asked if they should leave.
As Max had already discreetly indicated to Cal that he had succeeded, he quickly responded by addressing everyone. With a show of looking at his watch he remarked, “Is that the time already? It really is true how fast time flies when you’re having a good time. I’m sorry that we have to take your leave now. It was lovely meeting you all. Thank you for allowing us to visit.”
Cynthia responded, “Of course. And I’m sure Matthew already said this, but please let us know if you need anything or want to visit again.” She trained her gaze on Max as she spoke; her voice soft and soothing.
Max seemed unable to speak, but he nodded to convey his gratitude at the offer. Cynthia reached out and lightly patted his hand in comfort. Lily then hugged him goodbye. Xan was right by her side at that point, holding his arms up. With a wide smile, belied by the sheen in his eyes, Max gave one last lingering hug to Xan. Matthew had taken Patrick out of the room when he had started to fuss after he had softly explained to his son that they were leaving. A faint wail reached them, “…dun wanna” there was a hiccupping sound, “em go!”
Max looked stricken as he rushed to apologize, but Cynthia assured him, “He’ll be all right. He was too excited about his dad coming back, so he didn’t nap. He’s just cranky.”
“Oh.” Max quietly said.
Cal merely tapped him on the shoulder to steer him back to the door. “Thank you again,” he commented with a brusque nod, his general’s hat tucked under his arm.
Matthew came out with an apologetic face. “He’s fast asleep now.” Offering his hand, he shook their hands in turn, Max last. “Remember, call me if anything.”
Marcus clapped Max on the back, “Same goes for me.”
Max held his back stiff as he expressed his gratitude and then quietly left the house. Liz and Cal followed in his wake.
Once back in the car Max stared out through the window lost in his thoughts. Liz tried to offer comfort with a gentle stroke on his hand. Max momentarily turned to regard her hand, keeping his gaze downcast as he did. But soon he returned to the window, watching as the grassy landscape turned to the tree lined lake.
Not one to be deterred, she attempted to engage him in conversation. Knowing he wouldn’t be ready to speak about Xan yet, she chose instead to comment on the scenery. “It’s so peaceful.”
She saw a muscle twitch in Max’s jaw, as if he was fighting to not respond. She tilted her head to try and face him, peering beneath his still impossibly long eyelashes. The depth of sorrow there took her breath away.
Instinctively, she called out to him, but the sound of his name barely came out, dying as it left her lips in shock.
His hand slipped away as he suddenly ordered, “Stop the car.”
The car had barely rolled to a stop when Max fled from it.
Stunned, Liz watched in confusion as Max strode towards the lake’s edge; his steps becoming increasingly stilted as he approached the water.
Liz spared a glance at Cal who had an equally puzzled and concerned expression on his face.
Then Max collapsed to his knees.
An involuntary gasp escaped Liz, while Cal immediately lurched towards the door.
Quickly regaining her bearings, Liz seeing that Max was still upon his knees, his head bowed, reached out to stop Cal. A hand on the protector’s arm, she murmured, “Let me.”
Looking between Max and Liz, Cal internally debated for a beat before giving a solemn nod in response.
Liz gently closed the door so the sound wouldn’t carry. Her troubled eyes observed Max as she approached him. Part of her almost expected him to run thinking that perhaps he was stuck in a horrible flashback.
Just as she was in reach, she softly called out to him.
She heard Max take a ragged breath.
“Max?” She repeated, her voice beginning to waver. Her hand hovered in the space between them. In reality it was just a few inches, but felt as if it were a vast chasm. It was if she had lost Max all over again.
No, she thought internally. She said she would stand by him through everything even if she didn’t understand. He had been alone for far too long. Releasing a fortifying breath, she lightly placed a hand on Max’s shoulder, still wary of how he would react.
“I don’t deserve you, Liz,” Max mumbled, his body physically withdrawing into itself, head somehow bowing even more than before.
Kneeling in front of him, Liz guided Max’s head up urging him to look at her. Though he faced her, his eyes stubbornly remained downcast. With a small sigh, she shifted into a sitting position beside him. “What you didn’t deserve is what they did to you.” She let that hang in the air as she mindlessly tugged at some grass near her. “You are the most loving, amazing person I—” Her voice caught as she stifled a sob. “—that I have ever had the privilege of knowing.” This statement finally got Max to look at her, though his gaze kept travelling back towards the ground. “I don’t know how you endured it all, but now… now I will make sure you know that you are loved Max. Being deserving or not doesn’t matter…” she shook her head as she spoke, knowing that in their short lives they both had made mistakes that had shaken the foundation of their relationship but still could not break them completely. “What matters is I love you and will never stop.” She did not waver as she watched him, her whole being willing him to believe her.
He finally met her gaze. The honeyed amber in his eyes appeared to shimmer in the setting sun. A tear fell down his cheek. Max closed his eyes seeming to stem any further tears. When he opened them, the turmoil stared out with raw naked pain.
“What did you see, Max?” Liz’s voice was hushed.
His hands clenched into fists at his side, but with a world weary sigh he lifted one hand to scrub his face. Once the hand dropped back down he uttered, “He’s not my son, Liz.”
Now Liz was truly confused. “Just because you had to give him up, doesn’t mean he’s not your son. You saw—he remembered you. And he clearly is going to be so loved and cared for. I don’t think they’ll let him grow up without him knowing of you.”
Max sadly shook his head. Softly he explained, “he’s completely human.”
“Yeah, we’ve been over this, both your human side and Tess’ led to a fully human baby,” Liz stated with the slightest tinge of irritation unable to fully mask her hostility at the reminder of when she had seen Tess with Zan.
Max stared out at the lake, his voice taking on a faraway quality. “Tess found that baby.” There was an extended pause. “Our child never made it.” Max’ voice adopted a slight monotone quality.
Liz was once more stunned silent. She regarded Max a long time, seeing his sorrow and strain with new eyes. Following his unseeing gaze to the lake it finally hit her why Max was out here. Her voice was thick as she sought to confirm her theory. “You think when he connected to you at the lake—”
Max gave a jerky nod. His eyes remained distant, possibly reliving the moment he had almost drowned. “I keep playing that vision in my mind and I…” the sigh he released sounded so defeated. “I can’t tell if it was just another mindwarp…”
Liz frowned with concern at how Max had bit out the word with such bitterness.
“… to make me” Max’s jaw muscle twitched as he pressed his lips into a tight line and clenched his jaw.
Liz held her breath in trepidation over what Max was going to say.
Releasing another hopeless sigh, Max continued dully, “…make me do what she wanted.” His head once more bowed, he cast his eyes downward, his long dark lashes brushing the upper crest of his cheeks. “Or if...” Max trailed off, the grief and hope in his voice soul-crushing.
Liz entwined her hand with Max’s to offer silent support. Max’s chest shuddered at the touch, his breaths coming out haltingly.
“What if his cry for help was the first and last thing he ever said?” Max expressed his dismay in a quiet and distant voice.
Liz was once more bereft of words. How do you comfort such a loss? Words felt inadequate. She held onto his hand tighter, non-verbally showing that she was there.
She could feel minor trembles down Max’s arm.
Rubbing his hand with her thumb, Liz murmured, “If you want to talk, I’m here.” It was a simple statement, and a typical pat comment, but her sincerity, compassion, and love infused every word of the offer.
A bittersweet smile flashed on Max’s face.
“I…” Max started, but trailed off. He appeared to be internally warring with himself. He extracted his hand, clenching it into a fist to match his other hand. He huffed out a breath, and looked up at the sky— if he believed in God, Liz would have assumed he was praying for strength. Lowering his head, he bit out; his voice drained, “I wish I could hate her.”
Liz stayed quiet waiting for Max to continue.
“After all she’s done… all she’s taken…” There was an odd hitch to Max’s breathing.
Liz bit her lip, apprehensive about where this was going.
“But when I heard her voice… the way she sounded when she found Xan…” Another tear raced down Max’s cheek. “I just pity her.”
Liz nodded sympathetically, though she didn’t fully understand what Max was talking about. But she did know Max needed to express more about what weighed so heavily on his mind. She gently prodded, “What did she say?”
Max stared out at the lake, his eyes glassy. He swallowed as the flash replayed in his mind.
He was once more in the shadowy street. He could hear little whimpers of a baby fussing—Xan he assumed. The pale light above him revealed Tess’ pinched face. She had dark circles under her eyes, but the expression was warm, earnest, and perhaps a bit desperate. Petite hands reached out delicately cradling Xan. As she held Xan close to her chest, Max felt a strong sense of safety, love, and contentment. He felt the rumbling vibrations as she attempted to soothe Xan; her voice quavering as if she fought back tears.
Max blinked a few times before turning to Liz. “I’ll be the mother you lost and you can be my son… together we’re complete… we’re found,” Max recited sorrowfully from memory.
Liz opened her mouth in a shape of an ‘o’, but found no words.
Max once more turned to the lake, his face pensive. “Those words are the only thing to suggest Zan was real at all.”
Liz stayed quiet, her heart breaking at Max’s words. Tentatively, she reached for Max’s arm. Just as her fingertips brushed his sleeve she noticed Max visibly flinch. The distress deepened on Liz’s face as her mind imagined what those monsters had done to cause this reaction.
“Sorry,” she whispered while tucking her hands under her arms.
Max shook his head.
“You should be with someone worthy of you Liz. Someone strong. Someone who knows what they’re doing.” Max’s words came out in a low rumble weighed down with self-loathing.
“What makes you think that you’re not all that?” Liz asked simply, unsure why Max seemed to doubt himself so much.
Max fell silent. The way he pursed his lips, suggested he was done with his confession. His eyes, however, screamed out for deliverance.
Clasping his hand in both of hers, Liz regarded Max with compassion. Fuelled by fear over what he was holding back and what it may lead him to do, she spoke urgently, “You can tell me, Max. I promise you, I am here for you.” Seeing that Max had squeezed his eyes shut, she reiterated in a resolute voice, “I won’t leave.” She needed him to know that she was really there for him. That he wasn’t alone anymore.
Max’s shoulders quaked.
He suddenly doubled over, his hand beginning to slip out of her gentle, but firm hold. She moved one hand to rub circles on his back. His voice trembled when he spoke again, “That night… in the observatory…”
Liz went still.
“She made me think I was with you,” Max admitted in a mumbled rush of words.
Liz wasn’t sure she was still breathing. Having stopped her comforting ministrations upon Max’s back her hands laid uselessly by her side.
“I should have known. I should have fought harder. I should have stopped it.” Max’s self-recriminations were spoken plaintively.
But all Liz could think was the last thing Tess had told her. Every time we were together. Every time we kissed. He was thinking of you.
Liz’s stomach dropped, a coldness spreading in her small body. Replaying the words that she had thought were an olive branch from Tess, she realized they were a confession. The nausea rising in her throat became fuel for an anger she had not felt in a while. That… that… Green began to crackle at her fingertips. The sensation broke through the haze of fury and horror so that she could focus on Max. His entire being seemed to emanate all-consuming self-loathing and guilt. She shifted in place so she fully faced him. Her fingers lightly directed his chin up and towards her so that he would look at her.
With an unwavering gaze, she spoke firmly. “She took advantage of you Max.” Her words were tinged with anger. As she saw him wince at her words, she could feel the little tingles down her arms of power surging and ready to be released. She took a deep breath to calm down. Deliberately, she softened her tone as she added, “It’s not your fault. And it doesn’t make me think any less of you.”
Max’s eyes opened wide with surprise.
Finding his hand again, she tenderly squeezed it. Her voice somewhat monotone, she recited what she had learned all those years back: “A mindwarp can force someone to see and feel things that aren’t there. It can make you do things out of your control.” The first time she had witnessed this she had been too hurt at what she was seeing to listen to what Max was saying… to understand the violation on Max. And she couldn’t help thinking of what Tess had forced Kyle to do with Alex’s body. Like he and Max were her personal puppets. No matter how many times Liz assured Kyle it wasn’t his fault, she knew it still haunted him. And just as she still continued to do with Kyle, she made sure Max knew, “It’s not your fault.” She repeated it one more time: “It’s not your fault.”
The astonished expression on Max’s face made Liz’s heart ache. “I meant it Max when I forgave you. And knowing the full truth…” she paused to search for the right words. How to express the horror she felt while ensuring Max didn’t think she was disgusted by and disappointed in him? Slowly releasing a breath, she completed her thought, “…all I can say, Max… is I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I pushed you away.”
About to say more, Max interrupted her with a rushed denial, “No! Liz, no—”
But she would not let him absolve her of her part. “Tess was able to take advantage because you were isolated. Despite what you said, I thought you needed to embrace your destiny. I mean there was a whole other planet depending on you four.” Her voice had briefly raised as she spoke about his intended purpose. She sighed and shook her head over what they had learned about Antar and the destiny of the ‘Royal Four’.
Morose, she sighed out, “I didn’t listen to you, Max.” In the back of her mind she recalled Future Max whose words she did heed and afterwards, regretted every moment since. “Whatever we face, we’ll face together.” She lifted their entwined hands to her lips and gave a small kiss.
She could see the palpable shock and hesitant relief on Max’s face. But as they continued to hold hands, she saw his expression shift into one of love and trust. His eyes radiated his awe and affection for her. His breaths gradually evened out.
As the sun lowered in the sky, Liz stole a glance back at the car where Cal stood leaning against the door. He casually lifted his wrist which bore his watch indicating that they had to get back. Glancing at Max briefly she could see that his grief was still fully exposed. His eyes lost in the depths of the lake. Holding up her free hand she signalled to the protector to give them five more minutes.
Refocusing on Max, she spied a now disturbingly familiar expression—the same broken expression he had in the video after surrendering. Wondering what to say, she mentally replayed the last few minutes and was finally struck with an idea. Tilting her head, she suggested, “How about we have a memorial service for Zan?”
Max whipped his head to Liz. His expression had been replaced with a mixture of confusion and gratitude. “You don’t have to do that Liz—” Max started, but Liz would not let his guilt hold them back anymore.
“Allow yourself to mourn him. He was real, Max. And…” Liz broke off unsure what else she could say. She knew Max didn’t believe she held any animosity towards Zan, but rather was continuing to punish himself and denying himself what he needed.
Max brought his left hand to swipe at his eyes. “Are you sure?” He asked hesitantly.
She offered him a supportive smile as she nodded.
Max affirmed with a shaky nod and attempted to stand. His legs were wobbly, but Liz was quick to put his arm around her shoulders. Once he was steady on his feet, Max surveyed the area around him. Spying a small alcove of trees to the side, he pointed it out to Liz. “Seems perfect,” she commented, thinking that thankfully they weren’t in the main area of the lake where tourists frequented.
Moving with resolve, Max strode forward—his strides nearly the natural length for his height. Shortly thereafter, he was stooping by the base of one particular tree. There were blue irises dotting the grass around the gnarly roots. Liz thought it truly was a perfect place for remembering the too short life of Zan. Focusing her gaze on what Max was doing she saw him jerkily wave a hand across the lower trunk. As she moved forward for a closer look, she saw Max already standing. He brushed off the miniscule remnants of dirt on his pants.
Softly, she asked, “Do you want to say anything?”
There's a whole other conversation going on
In a parallel universe
Where nothing breaks and nothing hurts
There's a waltz playing frozen in time
Blades of grass on tiny bare feet
I look at you and you're looking at me
Could you beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it
Probably just stare, happy just to be there holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, I'm tired of being a fighter, I think,
A minute's enough,
Just beam me up.
Max regarded the tree and then back at Liz. Seeing his uncertainty, she quickly closed the gap between them and once more held his hand. “I’m here, Max.” Lightly squeezing his hand, she urged him on, “Just say what you feel.”
There was an almost sardonic look on Max’s face, but it was gone before Liz was sure she had seen it.
Facing the tree, Max cleared his throat and spoke out into the air. “I still remember when you touched my hand.” He looked down at his right hand. A small sniff escaped him. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you… that I couldn’t protect you.” Liz’s heart sank at hearing Max blaming himself. “However short time you lived, I hope you know that you were l-loved.” Unintelligible sounds escaped Max as he grasped for more words.
Pulling him close, Liz spoke on Max’s behalf. “You are loved, Zan. And we pray—hope” she quickly corrected herself for Max’s benefit, “that your spirit is free of pain.”
Some black birds soaring in the sky,
Barely a breath like our one last sight
Tell me that was you, saying goodbye,
There are times I feel the shivering cold,
It only happens when I'm on my own,
That's how you tell me, I'm not alone
Max leaned towards one flower at the base of the tree. Hovering his hand over it, a golden shimmer glowed beneath his palm. Max closed his eyes for an extended beat, perhaps silently bidding Zan goodbye. As Max stepped back from the flower, Liz observed in wonder at how upright the flower now stood, its petals a brilliant shade of blue. And above it, carved into the trunk, were the words: “Z.E. was”.
Liz held a hand to her heart, the emotion hitting her harder than she expected. Unable to voice her thoughts, she opened and closed her mouth a few times. But finally she offered, “We wish you peace, Zan.”
Moving to Max’s side, their hands once more gravitated to each other. She automatically leaned in, her head brushing against his shoulder, but Max did not flinch this time.
Resting his head against hers, he whispered, “Thank you.”
Liz debated mentally what further words of comfort to say, but ultimately chose to stay silent. There was a sense of tranquility as the two stood there sharing a moment of solace.
Golden rays illuminated the lake as the sun continued its descent in the sky. As loathed as she was to rush Max, she knew that they had been there too long already. She straightened up a little, her head already looking back towards the car.
Momentarily startled, she spied Cal standing just a few feet away from them.
He was staring at the carving on the tree, his expression doleful. His eyes met Liz’s. She was struck by the intense emotion in his eyes. She always assumed Cal was just like Nasedo: cold, ruthless, and unfeeling. Holding his gaze, she noticed his eyes momentarily flicker to Max before returning to hers with the silent question, How is he?.
In that moment she realized that under his brash, seemingly callous attitude, Cal cared about Max. With the slightest downward tilt of her head, she non-verbally assured him, Max would be okay—that she would make sure of that.
Receiving a curt nod from the protector, Liz knew that an understanding had been reached between them. A sanguine smile flitted on her face.
She felt Max stiffen; his body shifting away from her. Turning to Max, she watched him in concern. His face was unreadable, only belied by the pain in his eyes. A barely heard sigh escaped Max; his tongue darting out to moisten his lips. In a thick voice, she heard Max admit, “You were right.”
Unsure what Max was talking about, Liz silently observed him and Cal. Cal shook his head sadly releasing a humorless huff of laughter. “I wish I wasn’t,” Cal remarked somberly.
There was a moment of silence while Max once more regarded the tree where he had carved Zan’s epitaph. His eyes briefly closed, she saw him nod his head seemingly in resignation.
With a hand out, he gestured for them to head back to the car. Following after Cal, she blindly reached for Max’s hand. Feeling the warmth of his palm, she held on tight. She was aware of the slightest tremble in his hand, and so she slowed down enough to wrap her arm around Max’s waist. His arm laid across her shoulders pulling her tight against his side. With one last glance back at the tree, she heard Max tremulously whisper, “Goodbye.”
Could you beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it
I'd Probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, I'm tired of being a fighter, I think,
A minute's enough,
Just beam me up…
Line taken from Four Aliens and a Baby
Song: Beam Me Up by P!nk
