Title: Browned Eyed Girl
Author: RosDude aka ChadDude…or how about just Chad.
Disclaimer: I have no affiliation with Roswell or any of its characters. No infringement intended. The lyrics used below are snippets from Brown Eyed Girl, written by Van Morrison
Rating: TEEN
Category: Zan’s POV, AA
Summary: This is my take on what Ava meant about Zan when she said “I always felt like he was waiting for someone else to walk into his life.”
A/N: So I had to write a first person narrative utilizing a song in my Advanced Fiction Writing class. This is an acclimatization of what I came up with. I kind of had Roswell in mind when I wrote this, and I adapted the story to fit the Roswell scheme. The original character was a severely autonomous orphan boy named Jake who fell in love with a girl he had only seen but never talked to.
Hey where did we go,
Days when the rains came
Down in the hollow,
Playin' a new game,
Freud said that dreams are the psychological manifestation of our deepest desires. Kind of the brains way of reveling to us what our hidden urges truly are, I guess. What? I bet you didn’t think a guy like me ever read anything by Freud. Personally, I think all quacks are a bunch of psycho-babble-bullshit spitting self prescribing fuckers, but if I had to take to heart anything that any of them ever said, then I guess Freud would have to be my man.
When I was young I would dream about a girl. Yeah, I know that’s a really crappie way to start a narrative, but I really don’t give a shit. Anyway, she was a girl I had never met before. There was nothing special about her. She wasn’t overly beautiful. She wasn’t even the most beautiful girl I had ever seen in my life. She was…pretty, yeah, that’s a good word for her. She was simple, approachable. Not one of these beauty queens you see walking around with an entourage of other beautiful women. None of which has a boyfriend because they are all too stuck up on their high horse waiting for Mr. Gorgeous to come and profess his undying love to them. Fat chance!
This girl wasn’t like that at all. When I dreamed of her, she was always smiling. It was one of those smiles that wasn’t too wide and showed too much teeth, and still wasn’t so small that it was barely even there. Her smile was…well I don’t want to say dazzling, but hey, if that’s what it was, that’s what it was.
Like I said, when I first dreamed of her I was just a kid. Maybe six or seven years old, I don’t really remember, but it wasn’t all that long after Rath, Lonnie, Ava, and I had come out of our pods. I saw her sitting on a swing set in some park that I had never in my life visited. She was just swinging away like she didn’t have a care in the world, and I guess she didn’t. I remember it was the first time that I had never even seen a swing set. Since I grew up in the sewers of New York, I wasn’t exposed to the things that normal kids my age were. To tell the truth, when I first saw her, I was actually more interested in the swing than I was in the girl.
I just watched her swing. A part of me wondered what the hell she was doing. The other part of me wished I could join in, but there was only one swing, so…I guess in this case two wasn’t even company. Then, out of nowhere she stopped swinging and looked at me. I mean the girl looked right at me. She had the biggest pair of brown eyes I had ever seen in my life. Yeah, that’s a good way to describe them. ‘Big and brown.’ Brown, not chocolate or coffee, or russet, or brunette or auburn, or any of those other colors poets and fags use to describe brown. It was just brown. Simple, I liked that about her.
“You want to swing?” that’s what she asked me as she stretched her hand out to me, urging me to come to her. I didn’t what to come. I sort of even panicked in a way. I actually turned around and ran. Don’t ask me why. To my dream self it just seemed like the right thing to do at the time. So, I ran until I woke up panting. It was almost as if I had been actually running.
Ava asked me what the matter was. She asked why I was breathing so hard. She always asks me things, always wants to know things about me, even back then. Things like: how am I feeling and shit like that. I guess it’s just Ava. She, Rath and Lonnie are my family; my only family, and if I brushed them off I wouldn’t have nobody. Plus, even at that age I could see that she sort of had a thing for me. Somehow I didn’t think she’d appreciate me telling her that I was dreaming if another girl. So whenever she would ask me about my dreams, I just told her that I had had a bad dream, but that I was alright now. Then I told her that she should go back to sleep. She would always just look me over for a minute. It was the same way she was always looking at me. Like she thought that I was hiding something and it hurt her that I didn’t share it with her. But she didn’t ask me anything else. She just turned around and lay back down. I, on the other hand, didn’t sleep again for the rest of the night.
It was two years before I even thought of the brown eyed girl again. One night I saw a woman with a girl in a grocery store that Rath and I were stealing candy from. The girl was about the same age as me. I couldn’t see her face; just the back of her head. She had the same brown hair as the girl from my dream. It was even the same length. Just seeing it made me remember the brown eyed girl. But then she turned around and looked at me with fearful eyes. Eyes that were blue, not brown. Eyes that said she was afraid that I was looking at her, not inviting eyes like my brown eyed girl’s. She drew closer to her mother, and every so often I would see her take a quick glance at me and then look away. It was almost as if she felt that just by looking at me something bad would happen to her. I felt a touch on my shoulder. It was Rath, telling me that it was time for us to leave if I didn’t want to get caught. So I turned around and exited the store with my stolen goods. I dreamt of her again that night.
This time we were at a carnival. It was another place I hadn’t frequented in my less than perfect childhood. There were a lot of kids there. In New York I hardly ever saw kids. There were always people around making their way from A to B, but I guess a lot of kids didn’t live in the city. There were just a lot of suits on their way to and from work. It was different at the carnival. There were kids everywhere. Some were in big groups, some were with their parents. She was with a few other kids. My brown eyed girl I mean. She turned around and looked at me, giving me that smile of hers. It was strange. Almost as if she was the only one that could see me. She broke off from her group and came to stand beside me.
“Do you want to ride the Ferris wheel with me?” she asked in that sweet voice of hers. The same way she had asked if I wanted to swing with her. She had a way of making me feel as if she truly wanted me there with her, you know? I didn’t know what a Ferris wheel was at the time, but I knew that I wanted to be with her. I nodded my head yes, and let her take my hand in hers. She led me over to this huge wheel that was spinning around and around. It was enough to make a person dizzy. We walked up to the man that was running the thing, and she handed him two tickets. Don’t ask me where she got them from. I guess since it was a dream shit like that just happened. After we gave the man our tickets the two of us climbed in the Ferris wheel. Once it started moving I didn’t look at her. I just kept staring out of the car down at the tiny people below us. I could tell that she was looking at me. I could feel it.
“The Ferris wheel is my favorite ride at the carnival.” She explained. “It makes me feel like I’m flying.”
I turned to look at her, but didn’t say anything.
“What’s your favorite ride?” she asked me. Still I didn’t answer. I didn’t have a favorite ride, this being my first time even visiting a carnival. It was clear that the girl could tell I had never been from my lack of answer. She reached down and took my hand that was sitting beside her on the seat in hers.
“You’ve never been to a carnival before have you?” she stated more than asked. I just shook my head no. I wasn’t ashamed of it. I didn’t even really care that she knew. She just smiled again and squeezed my hand.
“That’s alright. I’ll show you around. I bet we’ll have a really good time too.”
We finished going around the Ferris wheel, which to me was a big joke. What was the big deal about going around in a circle? But my brown eyed girl had said that it was her favorite ride, and I didn’t want to make her unhappy by telling her that I thought it was stupid. But I did think it was stupid.
She showed me the rest of the carnival. There were more things that I had never seen before. We ate something called funnel cake, and candy apples. I liked the cake but the apple just seemed like a cheap way to get kids to eat fruit. All in all it was a so-so experience, but I knew that this was a dream so I wasn’t going to allow myself to become too excited about it. After all, it wasn’t like I was ever going to get the chance to go to a real carnival. Dreams weren’t real. Back then I remember thinking that she probably wasn’t real either.
I allowed her to show me all the wonders of a carnival without becoming too actively involved in it, and at the end of my fake night out there was a fireworks show. Now those, I had seen before. Rath and I must have stolen damn near a hundred of them from a small shop that was a few blocks from our space. I watched them explode in the air, and then I looked beside me at the brown eyed girl. She wasn’t watching the fire works, she was watching me. She squeezed my hand and offered me her smile. I didn’t smile back, even though I wanted to.
When I woke up, both of my hands where squeezed tightly together.
Laughing and a running hey, hey
Skipping and a jumping
In the misty morning fog with
Our hearts a thumpin' and you
My brown eyed girl,
You my brown eyed girl.
After that I would dream about her all the time. I think it was mostly because I could never stop thinking of her. She took me all sorts of places. Our dream world was my kingdom, and she was my queen. The two of us did everything together. Once we went to a huge field. I had never seen so much open land before. Nor had I ever seen so much green in one place. She took me to the lake and taught me how to swim. There was one time when the two of us went deep into the woods and just laid in the middle of the ground staring up at the tall trees above us. It was pretty corny, but having her there made everything we did together special. I could talk to her about things that I couldn’t even talk to Rath, Lonnie, and Ava about. Together, my brown eyed girl and I did things that I could never ever even imagine doing in my own reality. So I kept my own reality out of our world. We never talked about what I was, and what she wasn’t. We never needed to. And I liked it like that.
So hard to find my way,
Now that I'm all on my own.
I saw you just the other day,
My how you have grown,
Cast my memory back there,
She grew as I grew, and I shared her experiences with her. She never shared mine. I wouldn’t let her. I didn’t want her touched by my life; I just wanted to bask in hers. So much so that I began to pull away from my real family. But as much as I wanted it to be something that it wasn’t I couldn’t deny the fact that my brown eyed girl didn’t exist in the way that I wanted her to. No matter how much I didn’t want that to be the case. So I told myself that I had to let her go, to rid her from my life, to stop dreaming of her. Dreaming about her would only make me think about her more, which would result in me dreaming of her again. Reinforcement was a bitch. So I repressed her. I let her drift away from my mind. When I would sleep, and find myself in some place that I knew was part of my dream world I would fight with everything I had to pull away from her, and eventually, I stopped thinking about her all together. And then I stopped dreaming.
Years past and I got over her. No, that’s not right. I got past her. No matter how many years past I know I’ll never get over her. But I was able to move on to other things. Like the things that matter. Not some silly figment of my imagination. But as far as I’ve come I can’t help but wonder if she’s real, or if she really is out there somewhere. And a part of me still wonders if maybe I’ll meet her someday. Yeah right. …Well…maybe…
My brown eyed girl
You my brown eyed girl
The End
Brown Eyed Girl (AA, ZanPOV, Teen, 1/1) [COMPLETE]
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