Yesterdays (Mi/L Mature) 1/1 07/20/05

[Roswell4ever1]

Yesterdays
By Ann
Rating: Mature
Sequel to Two Out Of Three

Disclaimer: I do not in any way own anything related to Roswell, the books, or the characters.

Summary: Liz’s POV on Michael leaving.

A/N: If you haven’t read Two Out Of Three, I strongly suggest it. You may be a bit lost otherwise.

This is for Rae, who inspired me to write this part.

I’m not a perfect person
There’s many things I wish I didn’t do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you

I know it may seem to be in bad taste to talk to you this way, but there’s so much I needed to say to you. So many answers I felt like you deserve. Ten years ago, when I told you I loved you, I meant it. I still mean it. I never stopped loving you Michael and I never will. I know you thought I did. That’s what I wanted you to think. You may never agree with my reasoning behind it, but I want you to at least have an understanding.

We had so many good times. So many memories that I never want to let go of. But we don’t always get what we want. We don’t always get that second chance to make things right or to experience things we never had a chance to before. My life for first five years of our marriage was so perfect that I just couldn’t imagine letting you go. But I knew I had to. The problem was, I didn’t know how to. Not because I didn’t want to be with you. Not because I thought you didn’t want to be with me. But for a far different reason.

And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

It was always my dream to be a Microbiologist. And you stood behind me the whole way, no matter how difficult at times, making sure I always had what I needed to make that dream come true. For that I will always be thankful. You were there through the good and the bad, being the man I always knew you were but you were too stubborn to see.

I remember when I was offered the six week lab trip to Africa. I was so excited to go and although you were excited for me, for the opportunity, you begged me not to go. I knew at the time it wasn’t out of selfishness, but out of concern for me. But in the long run, you stopped begging because you knew it was what I wanted. It was my dream. I should have listened to you Michael, for it was my dream that killed me.

I’ve found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you

I knew while I was there that I had to change. I didn’t want to. I wanted to keep on being Liz Guerin, woman with the perfect life with the perfect husband. But I knew I couldn’t be that woman anymore. I didn’t know how to go about it so I started blaming you for Max’s death. When that didn’t work, I tried starting fights. But that didn’t work either. It didn’t work because you refused to give up on me. And you have no idea how much that meant to me Michael. How much it still means to me.

I’m not really sure what the breaking point was for you. I had begun to think it would never happen. I would like to say you leaving didn’t effect me, but I would be lying. I’ve done enough of that for ten lifetimes. It’s time for the truth now. While I was gone to Africa, while I was chasing my dream, I got more than I bargained for. It’s called Ebola Hemorrhagic Fever. The doctors over there were great. They did everything they could to make sure that I couldn’t give it to anyone else. No matter what happened to me, I didn’t want you getting it.

I couldn’t tell you Michael. I couldn’t because it would mean I would have to say goodbye. And that was something I wasn’t prepared for. So I went on lying to you. I told you everything I could to keep you from figuring it out, from me having the flu, to me getting into poison ivy when I’d get a rash, to me getting called to the office when I’d have a doctor’s appointment. Lying to you was the most difficult thing I have ever had to do and something I will never forgive myself for. But I did what I felt was right.

I’m sorry that I hurt you
It’s something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
That’s why I need you to hear

I am so sorry Michael. I love you more than you will ever know which is why I couldn’t have you here. I didn’t want you to watch me die. I wanted to save you from that.

There is so much I want for you Michael. I want you to know that I have always loved you. Through the good and the bad, that has never changed. I want you to have this house. It belongs to you. I want to you follow your dreams. I want you to know that no matter what happened, I have always believed in you. But the thing I want the most for you, is for you to be happy. Right now it may not seem possible but you will be happy again. It may take a while, but you will. You deserve so much. So much I can’t give you and never could. You deserve to have children and to grow old with someone. I can’t be that person for you Michael, but there’s someone out there who can. One day you’ll find her. When you do, don’t walk away. I don’t want you giving up on your future because of me. When you find her, hold on tight.

I’ve found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you

Please tell my parents, Kyle, Isabel, Alex, Maria, and Tess that I love them all. I didn’t have the heart to tell them. I guess I really was a coward all along. I really don’t know what else to say. Nothing I tell you can make what I did right. But I’m not asking for your forgiveness Michael. I’m just asking for you to understand. Life isn’t always fair. We don’t always get to live it the way we want to. It took me a long time to come to terms with that fact. I had so much anger for so long and I know I pushed that anger at everyone. You will never know how truly sorry I am.

[/i]I’m not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know[/i]

I have spent the past six years hating myself for getting on that damn plane. For not listening when you tried to warn me. For being selfish. If I had just skipped that one trip, I wouldn’t be here, talking into a tape recorder and telling you goodbye. But I was too involved in myself and what I wanted to think about how it could affect others.

I wish there was a way I could go back in time and change the events that led up to this, but I know better. But since I screwed up our past, I’m determined to make things right for your future. I left a box for you on the dining room table. It’s important Michael, so make sure you get it.

I’ve found a reason for me
to change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you

This is your chance Michael. You gave up on your dreams to make sure mine came true. Well now it’s time for me to return the favor. Look in the box. It’s the key to your dreams. It’s what I want for you. My time has run out Michael. But yours is just beginning. One of my favorite memories of us was the time we went to the zoo. Do you remember that? It was the middle of June and had to be close to a hundred degrees out. We had only been there about twenty minutes when it started pouring down rain. Everyone left. Except us. We spent the next five hours walking around and looking at the animals. Rain and all. It was one of the best days of my life. I remember it like it was yesterday.87

Grandma Claudia told me before she died that when it rained, it was her watching over me. It’s something that has always brought me great comfort. No matter what was happening, whenever it rained, I knew she was watching over me. Do me a favor Michael. The next time it rains, think of me. Because I will definitely be thinking of you and watching over you. And when you do, remember our yesterdays. Buddha once said “Have confidence in the truth, although you may not be able to comprehend it, although you may suppose its sweetness to be bitter, although you may shrink from it at first. Trust in the Truth...Have faith in the Truth and live it.”
That truth Michael is what will help guide you throughout your life. Find your truth and live it.

Well as much as I don’t want to, it’s time for me to go now. I won’t say goodbye. I can’t. But please know that no matter what happened in the past, no matter what happens in your future, I will love you. Always.

The End

Coming soon: Michael’s reaction to the tape and Liz’s death.