Misadventure by Phone (AU, CC, Mature) 4/4 15-01

[nibbles2]

TITLE: Misadventure by Phone
RATING: Mature, for language lately.
PAIRINGS: AU without aliens. M&L, M&M, A&I, K&T
DISCLAIMER: none of this is mine, just borrowing.

SUMMARY: Mobile phones are really great and very useful, but sometimes the sneaky little bastards can cause a world of trouble. Four short stories about the things that can go wrong featuring our favourite Roswellians.

Excuse the mess, this is unbetaed.

MISADVENTURE BY PHONE

The Drunk Dial

Max Evans stared across the crowded bar of Cow Patties, his eyes fixed on a couple laughing by the pool table. His shoulders were hunched, his fists curled and his gaze was angry.

“Who pissed in your Fruit Loops?” A voice asked, interrupting his attempt to see if looks really could kill.

“Nobody,” Max sulked. He turned his back on the couple and faced his friend. “Hey, Michael.”

Michael was looking over his shoulder, immediately spotting what had caused Max's foul mood. “Stalking, I see.”

“I'm not stalking,” Max snapped. “I was here first. They just came in a few minutes ago. Believe me I have no desire to watch Liz Parker being mauled by that slimeball Jenson.” He shook his head and glanced over his shoulder just in time to see Jordan lean down and whisper something in Liz's ear that caused her to blush and giggle. He grimaced and turned away again. “What kind of name is Jordan Jenson anyway?”

“It's a douche name,” Michael agreed. He sat down on the stool beside Max and signaled to the bartender. The bartender duly placed three beers on the counter in front of him. Michael slid one over in front of Max and took a sip from his own. “You know, you have nobody to blame but yourself.”

“What's that supposed to mean?” Max asked.

“I mean, you've been lusting after Parker for eighteen years now. And in eighteen years, how many times have you asked her out?”

It was a rhetorical question. Max had never worked up the courage to ask Liz Parker out.

“If you would just grow a pair of balls and ask her out, you might be the one feeling her up at the pool tables right now.”

Max glowered at Michael and kicked him to warn him to be quiet as Michael's girlfriend joined him at the bar, nabbing her bottle of beer. Maria Deluca was Liz's best friend and she was the last person that he wanted to know about his infatuation with Liz. “Hi, Maria.”

“Hi,” Max,” Maria said cheerfully. “Have you seen Liz?”

“Uh... I think I saw her come in earlier with Jordan Jenson,” Max said.

“She's over by the pool tables,” Michael supplied, shaking his head at Max's patheticness.

“Cool,” Maria gave Michael a quick kiss and slipped away. Max relaxed a little. He knew that with Maria around, Jordan wouldn't have much chance to feel Liz up. Maria didn't like him either.

Michael watched Maria go before turning back to Max. “Dude, seriously, ask her out already.”

“I'm too late. She's with him now.”

Michael groaned. “They've been out a couple of times. They haven't even slept together yet. And they're not getting married any time soon. Plus he's an asshole. So, she's fair play. Ask her out. Stop being such a pussy.”

Max glared at him. “It's easy for you to say that. You never asked Maria out either. She's the one who had to do all the chasing. If she'd waited for you to make the first move, you'd be sitting here too pining for the woman you love.”

“Hey now, easy with the L word,” Michael complained. “I don't want to give Maria ideas.”

“Ass,” Max under his breath. If he had a girlfriend, he wouldn't take her for granted the way Michael took Maria for granted, he would treat her right and let her know that he loved her, every day.

He pushed himself away from the bar. “I'm going to use the men's room.”

The men's room was mercifully empty. Max leaned against the sink and tried to calm down. He knew that he was grumpy and sulking and that it wasn't fair to take it out on Michael, but he couldn't help it.

He slouched away from the sinks and stood in front of the urinal. The door opened and Max heard somebody else approaching. He trained his eyes on the wall in front of him.

From the corner of his eyes he realized that the other guy in the room was none other than Jordan Jenson. Max gritted his teeth and willed himself to hurry up. Unfortunately it seemed that he was having the longest piss of his life.

“Hey, Evans,” Jenson greeted as he unzipped. Another reason he was douche. Didn't he know bathroom etiquette? “Who are you here with tonight?”

“The guys,” Max said. He zipped himself up and hurried back to the sink.

Jenson followed. “I'm here with Liz Parker. I think I’m finally going to get lucky tonight. I’ve been laying the groundwork for a while now, think it's time to cash in. She better be worth it after all the trouble I’ve been to.”

Max wasn't usually a violent guy. He was passive and calm. He didn't believe in using violence to solve problems. But right then, he wanted nothing more than to punch Jordan Jenson's lights out. His fists curled at his side and he took a deep breath. “Fuck off Jenson. You're nothing but a stupid little prick.”

Jenson laughed, not at all perturbed by Max's outburst. “A stupid little prick who's going to get inside Liz Parker's pants tonight while you go home alone and jerk off to the thought of Liz Parker.” He patted Max's shoulder and left the room.

Max punched a wall which did nothing except hurt his hand.

Furiously he strode back to bar. Alex Whitman was sitting beside Michael now, a whiskey in his hand. Max took one look at Alex’s drink and ordered one for himself too. He wanted nothing more than to get trashed right then.

“I don't get it,” he said. “Why do girls fall for dicks like Jordan Jenson?”

“I wish I knew,” Alex said. “Maybe if I was a dick, I’d have some luck.”

Max turned to Michael, “Hey, you're a dick to Maria yet she's still going out with you. How do you do it?”

“I'm not a dick,” Michael protested angrily. “You're just jealous because I have a girlfriend and you stuck stalking Liz because you don't have the balls to ask her out.”

“Where's Kyle tonight?” Alex asked in a blatant attempt to change the subject before Max and Michael came to blows.

“He's taking Tess to see an art show. He'll be here later.”

“Another one of them,” Michael mumbled under his breath.

“What's that?” Max asked, glaring at Michael.

Michael rolled his eyes. “You two are pathetic, pining over girls you don't have the balls to ask out and Kyle is pussy-whipped by a girl he's not getting any from. Seriously, man up.”

“Why all the long faces?” Maria asked as she materialized at Michael's elbow. She slipped her arm around his waist and surveyed the three guys. “What's going on?”

“Nothing,” Michael said quickly.

“Dance with me, please?” She asked, throwing in a pout for good measure.

Michael made a face but he allowed Maria to drag him onto the dance floor.

Max followed their progress onto the floor until his eyes alighted on Liz and Jordan. Liz had her arms wrapped around Jason's neck and her head was leaning against his shoulder. Jenson caught Max's eyes and smirked.

Max turned his back on them and slumped against the bar. “I don't get it, he's a creep. What the fuck does she see in him?”

Alex looked over at the pair and shrugged. “He's smart enough not to act like a creep around women.” He sighed and downed his whiskey.

“What's got you on whiskey tonight?” he asked, remembering that Michael had mentioned that Alex was pining over a girl too.

“Nothing,” Alex sighed. He held up his hand and ordered them another round of drinks. “I like this girl but she's with this guy. He's a good guy too, so I can't even hope she'll see him for what he really is and leave him. They're probably going to get married and have kids and I’ll die alone with only my pet parrot for company.”

Max skipped over the parrot comment because he really didn't know what to do with that. “Who's the girl?”

“Uh... nobody you know,” Alex sighed.

The bartender placed their drinks in front of them. The two guys raised them to their lips and swallowed in one.

***

“Las' Friday night. We were something something cars and we kisssssed the boulevard, las' Friday night.”

Tess giggled at Max's attempt at the Katy Perry song. “Don't give up the day job, ok Max?”

“I won't,” he promised. He hiccuped and leaned his head against the car window.

A few minutes later, Kyle's parked in front of Max's building and he and Tess helped Max out of the car and up the steps to his apartment. Max was singing loudly despite Tess and Kyle's frequent admonishment's to be quiet. “Do it aaaaaaalllllllllll again... I love tha song.”

He stumbled on the last stair and if probably would have fallen if Kyle hadn't been supporting him.

Kyle leaned him against the door. “Keys, Max?”

Max patted his pocket. Kyle signalled for Tess to go fishing. She slid her hand into his pocket and pulled out a set.

“Looks like you got a girl in your pants tonight after all,” Kyle joked

“I'm going to be a doctor,” Max announced suddenly. Had they been talking about work?

“I know,” Tess giggled again.

She unlocked the door and Kyle hefted Max inside and into his bedroom. He pulled off Max's jacket and pushed Max onto the bed so he could pull off his shoes.

Max lay half on, half off the bed, his head lolling off the mattress. “D'you thing Lis is fucking that prick right now?” he asked.

“No, she's not. She left in a cab, alone.” Tess said as she came back into the room. She set a glass of water on the bedside table and placed a bucket on the floor by the top of the bed. Then she and Kyle pulled Max fully onto the bed. “Are you going to be ok now, Max?”

“Whyaren't you two together?” Max asked, staring up at his two friends. He lifted his head off the pillow to look them more fully in the eyes. “You should've babies together.”

“You're drunk, Max,” Kyle said sternly. He pushed Max down again. “Go to sleep.” He tossed Max's phone onto the bed beside him and ushered Tess out of the room.

Max lay on his bed watching the ceiling spin above him for a few moments. Then he turned onto his side, rolling onto his phone. He picked it up and saw that when he'd rolled over, he'd pressed the button to bring up his previously called numbers. Michael's name was top of the list. So he dialed.

“H'llo,” came Michael's sleepy voice.

“Heeeeeeeeeeeeere's Maxie,” Max cackled down the phone.

Michael groaned on the other end. “Are you drunk?”

“No,” Max said, covering his mouth so that Michael wouldn't hear him laughing and know that he was lying.

He could hear Maria say something and Michael answered. “It's Max, he's drunk.”

“You're a lucky sunovabish, Mike, y'know tha? You got a great girl there. M'ria's great. She's funny and she's smart and she's boofital... beufital... and she loves you. I don't know why... why does she love you? Because you're a prick.”

“I don't know,” came Michael's weary response. “Max, can we have this conversation tomorrow?”

“No! I want to haf it now. You're a good guy Mike, and I love you man. I love you. You're my best fren in the whole world. But sometimes I really wanna punch you, man. If I had a girl like M'ria I'd be so good to her. I wouldn't be a prick like you are to her. Why dontcha tell M'ria you love her? You should tell her. G'won, tell her.”

“Max, I'll talk to you in the morning,” Michael said, and hung up.

Max stared at the phone for a minute and rang again. There was no answer, so he rang again.

“Go to sleep, Max. I'll talk to you in the morning,” Michael said.

“Why is Lis with that guy?” Max asked, ignoring Michael's comment. “She's so perfeck. She's got perfeck hair and perfeck eyes and perfeck everything. She's a perfeck person, y'know. So why is she going out with him? He's such a loser. I hate him. I want to smash his nose off his stupid face. Why is she with him?”

“Maybe because he asked her out.” Michael suggested.

“But why did she say yes? She didn't haf to say yes. She could've said NO. I'd have said no if he asked ME out. I wouldn't go out with him, if I was a girl. I'd go out with somebody like me. I'm a good guy. I'd be a good boyfriend. Why doesn't she go out with me?”

“Because you haven't asked her,” Michael said. “Go to sleep, Max. We'll talk tomorrow.” He hung up again.

Max kept the silent phone cradled to his ear for a while as she considered Michael's words.

Michael was right. He should ask Liz why she was going out with that prick. So he scrolled down through his contacts until he came to Liz's number and he pressed 'call'.

It went straight to her voicemail.

“Hi, this is Liz. I can't answer the phone right now. Please leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can. Promise.”

“Hi Lis. This is Max.”

***

Every part of Max hurt. His feet hurt. His muscles hurt. His eyes hurt. His hair hurt. And most especially of all, his head hurt.

He kept his eyes closed, careful not to move because that just made everything worse.

But his stomach had other ideas. He tried to fight it back, but it was no use. He was going to blow.

Max rolled onto his side just in time to empty the contents of his stomach into a well placed bucket by the bed.

He waited until he had thrown up everything he possibly could before rolling weakly unto his back. He was very impressed with himself that he'd had the foresight to leave the bucket there the night before.

There was a glass of water by the bed. It looked cool and delicious. He wanted it more than anything in the world. But he was too feeble to reach for it. So he just stared at it and imagined the cool water sliding down his throat.

He was vaguely aware of somebody knocking on his door but he ignored it. He wasn't moving from the bed. Ever.

Then his phone rang. He grabbed his head in pain and moaned until the phone rang out. Almost at once it rang again. He grabbed it. “What?” he croaked.

“Open the door, Max,” came Michael's cheerful voice. “I'm going to keep ringing until you do.”

Slowly and painfully, Max forced himself upright. His head thumped in protest. His stomach threatened to erupt again. He managed to lift the glass of water and swallow a mouthful of it. It helped, a little.

Very gingerly, Max made his way down the hallway towards his door, leaning on the wall for support.

Michael grinned. “Morning, sunshine,” he said pushing past Max.

Max followed him into the kitchen and slumped onto a stool at the breakfast bar. He buried his face in his hands as Michael bustled around the kitchen. “What are you doing here?” Every word was painful.

“I thought that you might like to come for a game of basketball with me this morning,” Michael told him. Max could hear the glee in his voice. He was enjoying this too much.

“No,” Max groaned.

“Here,” Michael a fresh glass of water and two paracetamol under Max's nose. “Take these.”

Max took the pills gratefully. He looked up and watched as Michael put a Crashdown Cafe bag down on the counter and pulled out a huge bacon and sausage sandwich and a large cherry coke. Michael set them in front of Max.

Max expected his stomach to turn, but it didn't. It growled in hunger.

“Eat it, you'll feel much better,” Michael promised.

“I doubt it,” Max said. “I feel like death.” But he took a bite and it did help.

Michael pulled another sandwich out and began to eat it himself.

“How did you know I'd need this?” Max asked after he'd eaten half of his sandwich.

“You called me at three thirty in the morning, wasted out of your mind,” Michael said. “So I had an idea.”

“I called you?” Max asked, he had no recollection of it. “What was I saying?”

“Mostly, you were calling me a prick,” Michael said casually.

Max winced. “Shit. Sorry, man.”

Michael laughed. “You balanced it out by telling me you loved me, so we're cool.”

“Cool.” Max took another bite and chewed slowly... There was something else, niggling at the back of his mind.

“Do you really think I treat Maria badly?” Michael asked after a few minutes of silence. “ Twice last night you had a go at me for the way I treat her.”

Max looked at him in surprise. He could see that Michael really wanted to know the answer to that question. Whatever he'd said to his friend the night before had apparently touched a nerve.

“No, not badly,” Max answered. He sighed and put down his sandwich. “Although I think you could treat her better. You don't seem to realize how lucky you are that have such a great girl in your life, and that she loves you. You take her for granted, Michael. She puts up with a lot of your shit, but she won't always. You should try and make her feel special, let her know that you love her, even if you can't say it to her.”

Michael was silent, absorbing Max's words.

“You're so lucky to have her,” Max continued. “I'd kill to have what you have. If I had Liz, I'd tell her everyday that I love her. I'd show her all the time. I wouldn't ever let her doubt how much she means to me.”

“Then tell her,” Michael urged. “Max, you've been in love with that girl ever since I've known you. Put yourself out of this misery and just ask her out. You never know what might happen. Except, I do know because I have the inside track and I really think that you should ask her out.”

“Really?” Max's headache suddenly cleared. “You think Liz would say yes.”

Michael rolled his eyes. “What have you got to lose? Call Liz and ask her out to lunch.”

Call Liz.

Max had a horrible, horrible sinking feeling.

He picked up his phone and checked his call log.

shit.

He'd called Liz.

shit. shit. shit. shit. shit.

He'd drunk-dialed Liz.

What had he said?

He could feel cold sweat pour out of his body.

There was another knock on the door and Michael slipped off his seat to go and answer it while Max hyperventilated.

Max could hear Michael talking to somebody. A feminine voice answered. Oh God. Was it Liz come to yell at him for whatever he'd said the night before. God, had he told her he loved her too?

Michael returned to the kitchen. He grinned at Max and stepped aside to reveal Liz was behind him.

“I'm going to go take Maria out for some brunch,” Michael announced. “I'll see you later, Max. See ya, Liz.”

“Bye, Michael,” Liz said.

Max was too busy wishing the ground would swallow him whole to say anything to his friend.

Liz smiled shyly and took the seat Michael had recently vacated. “How are you this morning, Max?”

“Not good,” Max answered. His nervousness made his voice sound hoarse and shaky. “I had a wild night.”

“Apparently,” Liz smiled.

“Did I call you too?” Max asked, trying to play it off as no big deal. “I don't know what I did. Michael said I called him up and told him I loved him. I do that when I'm drunk, tell people that I love them. It's just the drink talking. I shouldn't be allowed to have a phone when I'm drunk. Was I talking to you?”

Liz shook her head. “No, you weren't talking to me. But you did leave me a message. Want to hear it?”

“No,” Max pleaded.

But Liz called her voicemail anyway and put it on loudspeaker.

“Hi Lis. This is Max. Max Evans. I'm calling you coz I've a kestion. I've a very 'portant kestion for you. And I want you to answer me honestly.hic Why are you with tha guy? Jenson is a tool. He's a fool. He's a prick. He's a dick. He's a... I dunno wha you see in 'im. All he wanstodo is to get you into bed withim.hic

“I think you're perfeck. You have perfeck hair. I love your hair. And I love your smile. And I love your eyes. And I love the way you laugh. hicAnd I love the way you smell. I even love your little stubby legs.

“Sometimes I go to the market and I smell all the shampoos and I try to fine the one that you use but I can never fine it. What shampoo do you use?

“hic Shampoo's a funny word.

“You don't deserve a guy like that. You deserve a guy that will respeck you and treat you right. You shouldn't be with a guy who'll brag about sleepin' with you in the men's room. hic You should be with a guy who knows he's lucky to haf you and'll do everything in his power to make you 'appy every day for the res of your life.

“I wanna be that guy, Lis. Coz I love you. I've loved you since the very firs time I saw you. I got off the bus and you were playin' patty cake wi' M'ria and I fell in love with you right there and then. hic And every day since then I've fallen a little bit more in love with you because every day you become even more boofital... beufital... and lovely, and kind, and smart. You've become an amazing woman and I'm privileged to know you.hic

“So I was wonerin' if you'd like to go out with me, sometime. If you're not going out with that Jenson douche anymore.

“I hate that guy. hic

There was a full minute of silence and then the message ended.

As the message had played, Max had sunk lower and lower in his seat until his head was resting on the counter top. He had never felt so embarrassed in his life. He prayed for death. He didn't care how it happened as long is it was swift and immediate.

Liz's voice broke the silence. “I get my shampoo at Amy Deluca's store. It's vanilla and jasmine.”

“Oh. It's nice.”

Slowly, Max sat up but he couldn't face her yet. “I'm so sorry about all that, Liz. I was very drunk.”

“I was wondering if any of it is true.”

Max licked his lips. He thought about what Michael had said. He thought about what he himself had said to Liz. She deserved to know that she was loved. So he nodded. “Yes. All of it.”

“You really think I have stubby legs?”

Max's cheeks flamed and he shook his head. “No, I...”

Liz laughed. “Look at me, Max.”

Max exhaled slowly and turned his body to face Liz, though he still couldn't bring himself to look at her. He trained his gaze on his hands, folded in his lap.

Liz reached forward and took his face in her hands, she tilted it up slowly and Max's eyes followed.

To his surprise, Liz was smiling and her eyes were bright with tears.

“Do you really love me?” She asked, her voice was soft and hopeful.

Max swallowed nervously. “Yes. I always have.”

Liz leaned forward and pressed her lips on his. Max wound his fingers in her hair and pulled her closer, deepening the kiss, savoring her and tasting her. She was as perfect as he'd always imagined.

When they pulled apart, Liz smiled at him. “How come you have never said anything before?”

“I... I have no idea...” There had been a hundred different reasons but they all seemed so stupid right now.

“Maria always said that you liked me. I didn't believe her but she insisted and she's always right about these things. So I waited and waited for you to make a move. And just when I’d given up and decided to move on... you drunk-dialed me.”

Max laughed. “I needed the Dutch courage.”

Liz grinned and leaned forward for another kiss.

***

[nibbles2]

Mary Mary Thanks
Killjoy BTW The next one is Kyle and Tess!
Discospider thank you.
Chanks_girl Aw, thank you.
HypnotiqBlueEyes Thank you
Alien_Friend Glad to hear it.
Earth2Mama Thank you.
behrlyliz Thanks for reading
Eva Thanks
Natalie36 There's one story for each couple
begonia9508 Thanks
keepsmiling7 Thank you.
Helen of Roswell Glad you enjoyed it
secretk thanks for reading.

Once again, this part is unbetaed, so apologies for the mistakes and errors. The bits in quotes are text messages.

Autocorrect

TO ISABEL, KYLE, LIZ, MARIA, MAX, MICHAEL, TESS
Who's up for paintballing this Saturday? Time to end the age old question, Boys V Girls!

TO ALEX
Bring it on, Bitch!

Isabel screamed as her phone slipped from her hands and splashed into the toilet bowl. Thankfully it was a clean bowl, but she didn't relish having to stick her hand in it. She fished the phone out and moaned when it refused to turn on. Stupid phone.

She stomped into Jesse's kitchen and slapped the phone down on the counter. “My phone died.”

Jesse handed her a cup of coffee and picked up the phone to examine it. “What happened?”

“I dropped it in the... sink.”

“What were you doing with it in the bathroom anyway?” Jesse asked, slipping off the cover to look at the battery.

“Alex and I are having a poke war on Facebook,” Isabel explained, as if it was very obvious.

Jesse rolled his eyes. “Well, I’m afraid that your war has claimed it's first casualty. You're going to have to get a new Blackberry.”

“No, damn it!” Isabel exclaimed. She took the phone back from him and tried in vain to get it to work. But by the time Jesse put breakfast on the table in front of her she had given it up as a lost cause.

“I think I might get an iphone,” Isabel said as she tucked into her eggs.

Jesse raised an eyebrow. “Really? I thought you were a Blackberry girl.”

Isabel shrugged. “No harm in trying something new. Alex has one and he's always saying how good it is.”

“Can't beat a Blackberry in my opinion,” Jesse grinned.

“You're like the high priest of the cult of Blackberry,” Isabel laughed. “I like Blackberrys but before I sign on for life, I want to try out other options.”

“Probably wise,” Jesse agreed.

“So, anyway,” Isabel said, moving on. “Do you want to come paintballing on Saturday? We're all going to go. It's Boys versus Girls.”

Jesse made a face. “I'm not six years old, Isabel.”

“They don't let six-year-olds play paintball,” Isabel told him. “Besides, it's great fun. And we'll take it easy on you. I’ll let you have a few shots before I kill you.”

“No thank you, I gave up playing games a long time ago.”

“But, it's not just about the game. It's a good chance for you to get to know my friends.”

“I've met your friends a couple of times before.”

“I know... but you don't really know them. And they don't know you yet either. I want you to be part of the gang.”

Jesse laughed. “No offense, Isabel, but I don't want to be part of that gang.”

She didn't like the tone of his voice when he said that, it sounded like he was sneering. “What's wrong with 'that gang'? They're my best friends.”

“They're just a little too juvenile for my tastes, that's all.”

“We're twenty-two. What's wrong with having a little fun now and again?” Isabel asked. She liked that Jesse was older, he was mature and sophisticated. But sometimes the seven year age gap between them felt so wide.

“There's nothing wrong with it, but it's the manner they go about it.” Jesse sighed. “Look, I think Max is fine, when he's alone... but the other three guys are just children and he acts like a child when he's with them. And when you four girls are together, it's like being surrounded by a bunch of squawking hens.”

Isabel's mouth fell open in shock. She couldn't believe he had said all that. She stood up and gathered her things together. On the way out the door, she stopped and turned back to face him. “You know, it's a little hypocritical of you to be criticizing my friends when you got busted for smoking pot when you were twenty-two.”

With that parting shot, she left, slamming the door behind her.

***

“Agh, shit... I hate this piece of crap.”

Kyle took a bite of his burger and looked over at her. “What's the problem?” he asked with a full mouth of food.

“Why couldn't you have asked that before taking a bite?” Tess asked, slapping his arm.

“This stupid phone. It makes no sense,” Isabel exclaimed. She stabbed angrily at the screen and shrieked in frustration when it didn't do what she wanted it to do. “I'm trying to set the time but it's so hard.”

She also didn't like the way she had to keep touching the screen. It was making it dirty. She wished that she listened to Jesse and stuck to a Blackberry.

Speaking of Jesse; her phone chirped, announcing a new message.

TO ISABEL
I’m sorry for what I said this morning. I think your friends are great. Forgive me?

And delete.

The bell over the door announced a newcomer and when Isabel looked up, she was relieved to see Alex, Michael and Maria making their way to their table. “Alex, help me.”

“What's up, Iz?” Alex asked as he slid into the seat beside her.

“I got a new phone and I can't work it. Help.”

“What happened your old phone?” Maria asked, taking a seat on Michael's lap.

“I dropped it in the... sink.”

“So, the toilet?” Michael clarified.

Isabel shot daggers at him. “No!”

“The toilet,” Michael nodded confidently to the sound of sniggers from the others.

The bell rang again and this time Max and Liz came through the door, hand in hand and with matching beaming smiles on their faces.

Maria began to sing the wedding march, with Tess and Isabel quickly joining in.

Liz giggled and blushed prettily. “When is that going to stop? It's been a week already.”

“That just means we're a week closer to the wedding,” Tess said excitedly.

“Once again, we've only been dating for a week,” Liz cried. “There's not going to be a wedding for a long time.”

“Bet you'll have a wedding before I do,” Maria groused with a sour look in Michael's direction. He ignored the dig. She shook her head and poked Tess. “So that just leaves you two. When are you guys going to get together.”

“Oh, for God's sake,” Tess cried. “We're just friends. Why are you lot so obsessed with us being a couple?”

“It is possible for a guy and a girl to just be friends,” Kyle added.

“No, you don't say,” Isabel chimed in sarcastically with a pointed look around the group.

She couldn't figure out why Kyle and Tess weren't together. They were best friends, they lived together, it was blatantly obvious that they were attracted to each other. So why wouldn't the go for it? As far as she could tell, it was Tess who was the stumbling block and she figured that Kyle went along with her protests to save face.

She thought Tess was crazy. She'd give anything to find love with somebody she considered her best friend.

Liz giggled as Max whispered in her ear. Isabel smiled at them. She was so thrilled that they had finally admitted their feelings for each other. They were so great together. They looked at each other with such adoration. Isabel would give anything to have somebody look at her that way.

Her eyes slid to Michael and Maria. Five years together and still so much in love, even if Michael couldn't actually say the word 'love'.

Jesse wasn't her best friend. He didn't adore her and she didn't adore him and Isabel very much doubted they'd last five years.

On paper he was her ideal guy. But the reality had been disappointing. Sure, he was a good guy; smart and attractive. But there was something missing and she couldn't put her finger on it. Still, she wasn't ready to give up on him just yet. Even if he had been an ass that morning.

The three couples drifted away after a while, leaving Isabel alone with Alex. He was still completely absorbed in her phone, which gave her time to scrutinize him.

In many ways, she considered Alex to be her best friend, even more than Tess was. He was one of the most important people in her life. He was sweet, smart, funny, kind, handsome. Single.

“Hey Alex, how come you don't have a girlfriend?” she asked suddenly.

He glanced up at her, embarrassed. “I don't really have time for one.”

“Max said you were upset about a girl that night he got drunk, that you two were drowning your sorrows together,” Isabel probed.

Alex kept his eyes focused on the phone and refused to look up at her. Isabel waited patiently.

“There's a girl... but... it's nothing. Whiskey makes me weepy,” he said in a dismissive tone.

Isabel didn't believe him. There was a girl and he was pretty hung up on her.

That thought made her feel... Sad... Deflated... Jealous.

Alex slid the phone across the table to her. “It's all set up. I put a couple of apps on it that I think you'll like. It's just a matter of getting used to the new style.”

“Thanks, Alex.”

“Um... you've got a text message from Jesse.”

“Oh.” Isabel could tell that he had seen it and must know that she and Jesse had been arguing. She hadn't want to tell the others because she didn't want them to think badly of Jesse. They hadn't warmed to him any more than he had warmed to them.

Not that she was feeling particularly warm to him herself right now.

TO ISABEL
I’m sorry, Isabel. Am I forgiven?

Isabel read the message a couple of times and considered what to say. After some consideration she decided to give Jesse another chance. She decided that she would tell him that she was prepared to accept his apology he would come paintballing with her and the others. But if she refused to get to know her friends then it was over between them. Her friends were too important to her and she wasn't giving them up for any man.

She hit reply and started tapping out her message. “Ugh, why is this so hard?” she asked. She just couldn't type correctly, she kept hitting the wrong letters.

“Damn it,” she said, giving up after her fifth failed attempt at spelling 'prepared'. She pressed cancel. “Crap, I think I sent it.”

“What did it say?” Alex asked.

“Nothing legible,” Isabel guessed. She made a decision. She would talk to Jesse. If he said no to paintballing, she would be able to break up with him face to face.

She tossed her phone into her bag. “I've got to go see Jesse, I’ll see you later.”

Alex slumped into his seat despondently. “Bye, Isabel.”

TO JESSE R.
I’m pregnant t

***

Jesse looked pale when he answered the door.

“We need to talk,” Isabel said, stepping inside.

“I'd say so,” Jesse said, ushering her to a chair. “Isabel... I don't really know what to say. I’m shocked.”

Isabel blinked in confusion. “Huh?”

“Well, it's a surprise,” he said. “Look, Isabel... I like you and I’ve enjoyed our time together very much. But I don't see us working out long term. Do you?”

He continued without giving her a chance to answer. “This development doesn't, and shouldn't, change things. I’m hoping to be made partner soon and I don't have time for any complications. And frankly, you're far too young and immature to handle something like this.

“So, I think that the best thing to do, for everybody, is for you to have a termination.”

“Wait, what are you talking about?” Isabel asked, shocked. He couldn't be talking about what she thought he was talking about. Could he?

Jesse patted his stomach. “You know.”

Isabel shook her head. “No, I don't. Do you think I’m pregnant?”

“Well, yes. You told me you were. In your text.”

“What?”

“You texted me, a couple of minutes ago to tell me you were pregnant.”

Isabel stared at him as if he had sprouted a second head. Then realization dawned on her and she reached into her bag for her phone. She checked the messages she had sent, and sure enough she had sent Jesse a message telling him she was pregnant.

She laughed scornfully. “I was trying to tell you that I was prepared to accept your apology if you'd come paintballing with us. But I haven't got the hang of my new phone yet and I kept spelling 'prepared' wrong. So I gave up, but I pressed send instead of cancel. I guess autocorrect changed whatever I had typed to 'pregnant'. I’m sorry about that, I didn't mean to scare you like that.”

Jesse stared at her incredulously. “So, you're not pregnant.”

“No. Not even a little bit. I just can't use my phone.”

“Whew,” Jesse exhaled and leaned back in his seat. “Well, that's a relief. Want a drink?” He went into the kitchen leaving a stunned Isabel behind.

He came a minute later with two glasses of wine. “So, paintballing?”

Isabel stood up and shook her head. “You don't have to worry about it; We're over.”

***

She wasn't sad it was over. Maybe she was a little relieved, but mostly she didn't care at all. That didn't stop her from crying though, not because she was upset about the end of the relationship but because she was angry. Her tears were tears of fury.

Without really thinking about it, Isabel found herself marching back into the Crashdown. Alex was still sitting in the booth where she'd left him not that long ago. His expression of surprise quickly changed to concern when he saw Isabel's tears and he quickly jumped up and led her to the booth. He asked a waitress for a glass of water and handed Isabel a wad of napkins.

Isabel wiped her eyes angrily and blew her nose loudly. “Thanks, Alex.”

“What happened? What's wrong? Did something happen with Jesse?”

“We broke up,” Isabel sniffed.

“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. What happened?”

“I accidentally told him that I was pregnant and he told me that I should terminate it. Apparently he's too busy, and I’m too immature to handle a baby right now.”

Alex’s mouth opened and closed a few times as he tried to process what Isabel had just said. “Wow, Isabel... I’m sorry.”

“It's not...” Isabel broke off as a fresh wave of tears hit her.

“He's probably in shock,” Alex said. “That's a pretty big bombshell to drop and maybe he just needs time to come to terms with it. He's a good guy, Isabel. I know he'll do the right thing.”

Isabel shook her head, trying to get the words out to explain what happened, but she was too choked up.

“And if he doesn't come around,” Alex continued. “You're not alone. You have all of us. We'll be with you every step of the way; through the pregnancy and afterwards too. Your child is going to be so spoiled by her seven aunts and uncles.

“Alex,” Isabel cried, she was so touched by his support.

“Anything you want, all you have to do is call one of us. If you want a pickle sandwich, or a chocolate milkshake at three in the morning. Or somebody to hold your hand at the doctor's, or help decorating the nursery, or you just need somebody to talk to, then all you have to do is call me. You won't be going through this alone, I promise. You don't need Jesse. You have me... and the others.”

Isabel's tears stopped suddenly and she looked up into Alex’s face, seeing nothing there but love and concern for her. It was a moment of crystallizing clarity for Isabel.

Now that she knew, it was so obvious.

Alex was her best friend, the only person she could imagine being with in five years time, ten years, for the rest of her life. He was why it was never going to work with Jesse.

It was Alex.

How had she never realized that before? How had she never realized that the feelings she had for her were far more than just friendship? Or that he loved her too?

“Alex, who's the girl you're in love with?”

“What? I... nobody... I... you don't know her. She... it's not... I’m not in-”

Isabel cut off his bumbling attempts to deny his feelings for her by kissing him.

Alex responded eagerly, pulling her closer to him and tangling his fingers in her hair.

Then he pushed her away. “Isabel, I don't think this is a good idea.”

“I do,” Isabel smiled cheekily. “I love you, Alex.” She leaned forward for another kiss.

Alex moved backwards. “Isabel, no... I... please don't do this. If I thought that you really loved me, then I’d be all over you like Michael on a plate of chicken wings, but you're in a really vulnerable place right now, emotionally, and I know that you'll come to your senses and realize that kissing me was a mistake. And I couldn't handle that, Isabel, because I really do love you.”

“I'm not pregnant,” Isabel announced, realizing that she needed to clear that up. “I was trying to tell Jesse that I was prepared to accept his apology and the stupid autocorrect on my phone changed it. But he was such an ass about it, that I ended it. I don't want to be with him.

“I want to be with you. It's not because I’m vulnerable, or emotional, or hormonal. I want to be with you because I love you. You're a good guy, you're smart and funny, kind, adorable. The list goes on. I won't bore you with it.”

“No, please do,” Alex grinned... “Are you sure?”

Isabel laughed and punched his arm lightly. “Credit me with enough intelligence and common sense to know my own mind. I love you, Alex. I don't know why I didn't see it before, but I do now. If you want to wait a few weeks and see if I feel the same way, you can. But you're just going to waste three weeks that could be put to better use.”

Alex broke into a wide smile and he pulled Isabel closer to him for another kiss. “Like what?” he asked when he pulled apart.

Isabel pulled out her phone. “Like, you can teach me how to text properly.”

***

[nibbles2]

mary mary thank you
chanks_girl thanks
Earth2Mama Yep, he's an ass
Natalie36 Good to know!
begonia9508 Thank you
HypnotiqBlueEyes The chicken wings line cracked me up too.
Alien_Friend Thank you
Helen of Roswell sadly, no paintball episode. But I can exclusively reveal that the girls kicked the guys' arses.
keepsmiling7 thank you very much.


The Pocket Dial

Kyle is your king. Kyle is your king. Kyle is your king. Kyle is your king.

“Wha' the fu...?” Tess woke up confused as hell, with no clue what was going on. It took a couple of moments for her sleep addled mind to realize that her phone was ringing and that Kyle had once again managed to change her ring tone.

She grabbed the phone and answered it, ending the obnoxious sound of Kyle singing his own praises. “Yeah.”

“Good morning, Sunshine,” Maria chirped happily down the phone.

“It's too early for this,” Tess groaned, flopping back down onto the pillow.

“It's almost nine, Tess,” Maria scolded. As if it was a bad thing that Tess was still in bed and sleeping at nine o'clock on a Saturday morning. “Anyway, Max is organizing some sort of surprise for Liz in her apartment today and he's wrangled the guys to help. He's asked me to distract her for a couple of hours while they set it up. So I’m having an impromptu gathering at my place, cocktails and cake at three. Will you be up by then?”

“I think I can manage it,” Tess agreed grumpily. “See you later.”

She hung up on Maria and rolled over, intending to go back to sleep again, but she could hear Kyle making noise in the kitchen. He had an interview at work later that morning so she knew he was probably nervous and would probably need her help with something. So she dragged herself out of bed and wrapped her fluffy bathrobe around her, slipping her phone into her pocket as she shuffled down the hall.

As she entered the kitchen, Kyle was just about to iron his good white shirt.

“Stop right there!” Tess commanded. She took the board away from him and pushed him away from the board. “Make me breakfast and I’ll do this for you.”

“Thanks, hun,” Kyle said. He kissed her loudly on the cheek and set about making breakfast.

“Are you nervous?” Tess asked as she ran the iron over the wrinkled cotton.

Kyle shrugged. “Not really. I think the interview is just a formality and they're going to base their decision on our work record. I’ve always done a good job, and there's nothing more I can do now, so it's really out of my hands. As long as I don't say anything incredibly stupid, I think I’m in with a pretty good chance.”

“You'll knock them dead,” Tess said confidently. She watched him as he beat eggs, then pour them into a saucepan to scramble them. He was shirtless and his trousers hung low on his hips.

She bit her lip and looked away. He was so sexy it was unfair.

“I won't be home after the interview,” Kyle said. “Max wants us to help him with a surprise for Liz this afternoon.”

“I heard; we're on distraction duty,” Tess said. She finished ironing the shirt and hung it over the back of a chair. She took a seat at the table and sipped the coffee that Kyle had placed there for her. “He's not planning on proposing to her, is he?”

Kyle shrugged and placed a plate of front of her, and slid into a seat opposite her. “I don't think so. They haven't even been dating for a month. It would be kind of fast. It took him twenty years to ask her out, and even that was with the help of Johnny Walker.”

“Bet they're engaged before Christmas,” Tess said. “I wonder what he has planned.”

“Whatever it is, I’m sure that it will make the rest of us look bad.”

“I don't think so. Alex is just as sweet and romantic as Max is. Maria has just about given up all hope of Michael ever doing anything romantic, and you don't even have a girlfriend.”

“Yeah,” Kyle said sadly.

He looked away, but not before Tess caught the look in his eyes. The look that said that he wanted to be her boyfriend. It was getting harder and harder to pretend that Kyle didn't feel 'that way' about her.

It was getting harder and harder to pretend that she didn't either.

“Do you want anything special for dinner tonight?” she asked in an effort to turn her thoughts in another direction. “There's a couple of steaks in the freezer, how about I defrost them?”

“Sounds great,” Kyle agreed.

She stood up and crossed to the freezer to take out the steaks before she forgot about them.

“Hello... hello... Tess...TESS

“Tess, your dressing gown is talking,” Kyle pointed out.

“Damn.” Tess reached into her pocket and pulled out her phone, and saw that she had called Maria. “Sorry, Maria, I pocket dialed you. I’ll talk to you later.”

Kyle finished off his coffee and stood up. “I should get going. Don't want to be late today.” He grabbed the freshly ironed shirt and pulled it on, then slipped a knotted tie over his head and pushed it into place. “How do I look?”

“Great, just let me...” Tess stood in front of him and undid his tie. Jim had tied it for him about a month ago and Kyle hadn't undone it since then. She retied it and straightened the knot so that it was centered. “There, you look great.”

“Tess...” Kyle said, his voice was husky and he was giving her that look again.

Only then did Tess realize how close they were standing. Kissing distance.

She stepped back and smiled at him. “Knock them dead, tiger.”

***

“Can I change to truth?” Isabel asked.

“No! No take-backsies,” Tess insisted. She clapped her hands. “Off. Off. Off.”

Isabel sighed exasperatedly and pulled off her shirt exposing her pretty impressive boobs to much hooting and wolf-whistling from her three friends. She rolled her eyes at their antics, but the corners of her lips were turned up in a smile.

“And time,” Liz called.

Isabel pulled her top back on and refilled her glass.

“Alex Whitman is a very lucky man,” Tess delcared.

“I know,” Isabel said smugly. “Ok, Liz, your turn. Truth or dare?”

“Dare!” Liz exclaimed immediately. She was drunk. A sober Liz never took 'Dare'.

Kyle is your king. Kyle is your king. Kyle is your king. Kyle is your king.

Tess excused herself and took the call in the kitchen. “S'up loser. How was your interview?”

“Pretty good. I think I nailed it, Kyle said. “Anyway, I’m just calling to let you know that I’m home now. Max should be done in about forty minutes and then Michael should show up there and get Liz to leave. Do you want me to get the steaks started?”

“Actually, I just ate an entire cake all by myself, so I’m not hungry.”

“Cool, I’ll order a pizza for myself and we can have the steaks tomorrow.”

“Sounds good. I guess I’ll see you in about an hour.”

She hung up and went back to join the girls, just in time to witness Isabel finish drawing a picture of a penis on Liz's forehead with lipstick.

Liz picked up the mirror and laughed.

“You look pretty,” Tess commented with a giggle. She loved Drunk Liz. “Ok, Maria's turn. What'll it be Miss Deluca?”

“Um...” Maria cast a look at Liz's lipstick penis. “Truth.”

Tess smirked. She had the perfect question. “Tell us how you really got that ding on your car!” She had never bought the official story that she'd been trying to avoid a dog.

Maria blushed and gulped down her martini. “Fine... Michael was driving home from the movies and I was giving him a blowjob on the way. He got a little overexcited at the critical moment, and hit that big ol' oak tree over on Freemont.”

Tess and Liz collapsed against each other in laughter, Isabel didn't know whether to laugh or scream.

“Hello. Hello?.. Tess...you there?”

“Oh my God,” Isabel shrieked. “You were going down on him while he was driving? Maria!”

“What?” Maria shrugged, nonchalantly. “He took me to see New Year's Eve and didn't complain once.”

That made Isabel snort with laughter which set the other three girls off, it was several minutes before they calmed down enough to continue on.

“Alright, Tess it's your turn,” Maria said, getting them back on track.

“Truth, please.”

Maria exchanged looks with the other two girls and Tess wished she'd picked the other option.

“Tess, why do you insist that you and Kyle are just friends when it's as clear as the nose on Michael's face that you two are in love?”

“Dare. I’ll take a dare,” Tess said desperately.

“No take backsies,” Isabel said gleefully.

Tess looked away, trying to compose herself. She picked up her glass and took a drink, not for the courage, but to wet her suddenly dry mouth.

“Ok. You know how my mom died when I was four? And after that, my dad took a consulting job and we started moving, like, twice a year. I don't think that I ever celebrated my birthday and Christmas in the same place. My dad worked long hours, he was often away overnight, sometimes he could be gone a week. Every time we moved, I had a different nanny.

“All I ever wanted was to stay in one place so that I could have friends, and a family. And it wasn't until I started college that I was finally able to settle down and call one place home for more than six months. You guys are the first real friends that I ever had. More than that, you guys are my family.

“And Kyle, he's my best friend. Since I moved into his spare room, I’ve finally found out what it's like to have a real family. I don't want to lose that. If Kyle and I have a relationship and then we break up, I wouldn't be just losing my boyfriend, I’d be losing my best friend and my family. I couldn't bear that. It would kill me.”

“Why do you think that you and Kyle would break up?” Liz asked. “You two are a forever couple.”

Tess smiled. “Have you ever been in a relationship that didn't end?”

“I'm in one now,” Liz said.

“Can't really argue with that,” Isabel laughed.

Maria reached forward and took Tess' hand. “Do you love Kyle?”

Tess nodded.

“Then you've got to stop pushing him away. If you keep pushing away, eventually he'll stop pushing back. He won't wait forever. He'll find somebody else who isn't afraid to love him and she'll become his best friend and his family. That's how you'll lose him.”

“You'll probably always be friends,” Isabel added hastily. “But nothing more. Do you think that you'll be able to watch him fall in love with another girl? Could you bear that?”

Liz slid over and hugged Tess. “No matter what happens, Tess, you'll always have us. We'll always be your friend and your family. Let Kyle be your lover. Take his washboard for a ride.”

“Liz!” Maria cackled with delight.

Tess joined in. She loved Drunk Liz. She sobered quickly. “But what if...”

“What if Max had never drunk dialed me? Or what if Isabel hadn't found out what an ass hat Jesse is? What if Maria had given up on Michael the first time he broke up with her, or the second time? It's scary to take that leap and open yourself up like that, but it will be worth it. Kyle loves you, Tess.”

Tess blinked back tears. “I don't know... I don't know if I’m ready.”

***

Michael had come home shortly afterwards, and he offered to drive the three girls home as none of them were in a fit state to drive themselves. Unfortunately Tess was the first to be dropped off, so she wasn't able to ask Michael what Max's surprise for Liz was. On the plus side though, the route to her house involved driving down Freemont which elicited tears of laughter from the three females in the car. Michael didn't find it as amusing.

“Honey, I’m home,” Tess sign-songed as she walked in the door. “And I’m a little hammered.”

Kyle was sitting at the kitchen table, with his phone pressed to his ear. “Hi.”

“So, what was Max's surprise?” Tess asked.

“You know that flat roof outside Liz's bedroom window?” Kyle asked. “Max put decking on it and dressed it up like her old balcony.”

“Aww, that's so sweet, Max is such a romantic,” Tess sighed. “Liz will love that.”

Kyle nodded, still keeping the phone to his ear.

“Who are you on the phone to?” Tess asked.

“You.”

“Huh?”

“Check your phone.”

Tess pulled her phone out of her pocket. “Oh, I must have pocket dialed...” her words trailed off as she realized that the call had lasted almost an hour. She tried to work out when that call would have started. Had Kyle been listening the whole time? What had he heard?

“Wh... why didn't you hang up? How long have you been listening in?”

“Long enough to know why Michael doesn't complain when Maria drags him to a chick flick.”

Shit.

“Oh, yeah... now you know. Well, I’m going to go to bed. Night, Kyle.” She bolted for her room.

She shut the door firmly and locked it for good measure. Then she raced into her little bathroom and closed and locked that door too.

Tess could hear Kyle call her name and knock softly on her bedroom door.

She leaned her back against the door and slid to the floor. Her heart was racing. She felt so exposed.

Kyle is your king. Kyle is your king. Kyle is your king. Kyle is your king.

Tess jumped as her phone came to life in her hand. She quickly pressed cancel. It rang again almost at once.

She knew she had to talk to him, and at least this way it wasn't face to face. She accepted the call and brought it slowly to her ear.

“Tess? Can you hear me?”

She didn't say anything.

After a moment, Kyle began to speak. “Tess, please come out and talk to me.”

She didn't move or say anything.

“Ok... We can do it this way,” Kyle sighed. “Look, I heard every thing you said about me. The thing is, I understand, Tess.

“My mom walked out on me and my dad when I was six. I used to see her once a week at first. Then once a month. By the time I was fourteen, I saw her once a year. My dad was heartbroken after she left. It took him ten years to get over her. He worked all hours to keep himself busy. He hadn't a lot of time for me during that period.

“So, I know what it's like to feel lonely. I always wanted a real family like all the other kids. I know what you went through.

“I'm afraid too, Tess. I’m terrified of losing you. I’m terrified that I’m wrong and that you don't love me like I love you.”

Tess wiped away the tears that were streaming down her face. She pushed herself to her feet and unlocked the bathroom door. She stepped into the bedroom and faced the bedroom door.

“Do you trust me, Tess?”

“Yes,” she said, her voice shaky.

“Then trust that I will never hurt you and I will never leave you. Trust me when I say that I love you.”

She stepped closer to the door and touched the key, but she didn't turn it.

“Can I trust you, Tess?” Kyle asked. She could hear the vulnerability in his voice.

“Yes,” she said.

“Do you love me?”

“Yes,” she cried, throwing open the door.

Unfortunately, Kyle was leaning against the door and when it was suddenly pulled away from him, he was propelled forward. He crashed into Tess and they tumbled onto the bed together, landing in a tangled heap.

“Well, this is convenient,” Kyle laughed. He sobered up quickly when Tess slid her hand around his neck.

Tess pulled him down for a long deep kiss.

As her hands slipped under his shirt, Kyle abruptly pulled away and playfully pressed his phone to his ear. “Listen, I’m going to have to call you back. Something's come up.” He ended the call and tossed it aside. “Now, where were we?”

Tess giggled and pulled him down for another kiss.

***

[nibbles2]

Earth2Mama Thank you
keepsmiling7 Thanks
FSU/MSW-94 Thanks for reading
Helen of Roswell I love drunk Liz too. She's awesome!
secretk glad you enjoyed it
Natalie36 thank you very much
killjoy Happy birthday. Yes, Tess and Kyle were already a couple, just without actually being a couple.
Alien_Friend I loved the idea of Max working all day to create this wonderful, sweet, romantic surprise for Liz, and her showing up stocious and with a lipstick penis on her forehead. It really made me laugh.
begonia9508 thanks
mary mary thank you.
chanks_girl The scene with the girls was a lot of fun to write.

So, this is the end of Misadventure By Phone. It's been a lot of fun to write. I can't believe I managed to write four chapters in a week. If I could keep this rate of work going, I might even be able to get Gold Diggers finished before I turn seventy-five.

I mention a slap bet here, which is an idea I’m borrowing from How I Met Your Mother. If you've never seen it, it just means that the winner is allowed to slap the loser, in the face, hard. (Men!).

Bits in quotes are text messages.


Wrong Recipient

Michael collapsed onto his mattress; breathing hard, and feeling utterly sated and invigorated.

Morning sex; there wasn't a better way to start the day.

Maria curled into his side and kissed his jaw. “Good morning,” she giggled.

“Morning,” Michael said. He wrapped his arm around her and stroked the bare skin of her back. “Why don't we wake up like that every morning?”

“It messes my hair too much,” Maria joked.

Michael rolled onto his side and propped himself on his elbow. He looked down at Maria; her hair was indeed wild. He grinned at the sight of her. He loved how she looked first thing in the morning, bed head and all.

His heart swelled and he wanted to tell her... but the words wouldn't come. So instead he lowered his head and captured her lips for a deep and probing kiss, hoping that it would convey his feelings to her.

“I love you, Michael,” Maria said when he pulled away.

“Me too, baby,” Michael said. It was as close as he ever came to saying that he loved her. She smiled but he saw the flash of hurt and disappointment in her eyes.

“I'm going to take a shower,” Maria said, pulling away from him and scurrying into the bathroom.

He felt like shit. Ever since Max had drunkenly called him out for his treatment of Maria, Michael had been making it a priority to be a better boyfriend to her. He hoped that even though he couldn't say the words, that his actions showed Maria how he felt about her.

When he heard the water coming on in the bathroom, he roused himself out of bed and dragged himself into the kitchen to get breakfast started. He mixed up some pancake batter and dug out some chocolate chips and strawberries that he'd hidden from Maria so that he could surprise her with them. He set the table and got the coffee started.

As she waited for Maria to finish up in the shower, his checked his phone.

TO MICHAEL
I’m sharpening my nine iron. I’m going to make you my bitch today.

TO MICHAEL
Prepare to die!

TO MICHAEL, KYLE, MAX
Can't we just play crazy golf???

Michael smirked and hit reply.

TO MAX, KYLE, ALEX
I hope u guys r wearing diapers because I’m going 2 kick ur asses 2day

Maria sauntered into the kitchen, dressed in one of his shirts and toweling her hair. She lit up in surprise and delight when she saw the breakfast that Michael had laid out her. Then her eyes narrowed and she put her hands on her hips. “What did you do this time?”

Michael held up his hands. “Nothing, I thought I’d do something nice for you... I have to measure up to the other guys now,” he joked.

“Oh,” Maria rolled her eyes. “So, this is about you being competitive.”

“No... I... Just eat.” They sat down and tucked into their pancakes.

“What time are you guys golfing at today?” Maria asked.

“Tee-off is at one thirty-seven. How about you? What have you planned today?”

“Mom needs me to help her decorate a wedding cake. And then I guess I’ll just come home and veg.”

“Cool. How're the pancakes?”

“Great, thank you,” Maria smiled. Her smile faded quickly though and she tilted her head to look at him. “Are you sure that there's nothing you want to tell me? Did you put another dent in my car?”

“No, your car is fine, Michael assured her. He prayed she'd let the subject drop and just accept that he was doing something nice for no reason and not question his motives any further.

Thankfully, his phone beeped with another message allowing him to focus on that and avoid a conversation about why he had suddenly become a good boyfriend.

TO MICHAEL
Today I shall drink your tears.

TO KYLE
Today, u shall kiss my ass.

TO MICHAEL, KYLE, ALEX
Want to make this interesting? Slap bet?

Michael smirked. Sucker.

TO MAX
I think u like being slapped. U should talk to Liz about that! What are your terms?

Michael sniggered at the thought of Max and Liz engaging in S&M, causing Maria to raise an eyebrow.

“Max just suggested a slap bet for our golf game today,” Michael explained.

Maria rolled her eyes. “I thought he was bad at golf, why would he suggest a slap bet?”

“Hmm, that's a good question,” Michael mused. Something fishy was afoot.

And sure enough, a couple of minutes later, another text came through.

TO MICHAEL
Last time we played golf, you said you'd be able to beat the three of us on your own. Put your money where your mouth is – the three of us will take you on. One slap for each of us if you win. One slap from each of us if you lose.

Michael told Maria about Max's offer. He laughed. “I knew they were up to something.”

Maria wrinkled her nose. “I don't get it, you beat the three of them every time you play golf, so how is this going to be different? Unless they've been pulling some kind of long con this whole time, in which case one slap each isn't much of a payoff.”

“I think they mean that they'll play together as one player. Like, Kyle will take the tee shots, Max will get it onto the green and Alex will do the putting.” He considered their chances. Individually they sucked, together they might just be good enough to beat him. He liked the idea of finally having a decent competition, but it also increased his chances of being beaten.

“Bet they've been having secret practices too,” he mused.

“You know, Liz did mention that Max was play Wii golf until two in the morning, this week,” Maria commented.

Michael couldn't tell if she was serious or joking. “Seriously?”

“Of course not,” Maria snorted. “He's been in love with Liz since he was six years old. He has sixteen years of lusting and pining to make up for. Do you really think he'd leave Liz alone in bed while he played Wii golf?”

Michael grinned. “That's true. In fact, the three of them are probably exhausted from all the doinking they've been doing lately. They'll be off their game. Excellent.”

“What about all the doinking you've been doing lately?” Maria asked.

Michael smirked. An unexpected, and thoroughly enjoyable outcome of being a good boyfriend was that Maria was extremely happy and very appreciative, and he'd been reaping the benefits.

“I'm used to it,” he answered cockily. “I'm a seasoned pro and they're newcomers to the game. The last time Max was getting any on a regular basis was freshman year of college and the other two have never had serious girlfriends. They probably won't even last the eighteen holes. I got this one in the bag.”

He picked up his phone.

TO MAX, KYLE, ALEX
Just 1 slap? Come back 2 me when u have a real offer.

***

Michael was working on his bike when Maria came to find him.

“I'm going to go now,” she said. “Do you want to just order in for dinner tonight?”

“Sure, great,” Michael agreed, not really giving her his full attention. He was too absorbed in his phone. The trash texts were flying fast and furiously now.

TO MICHAEL
I’m going to make you my bitch.

He rolled his eyes at Alex’s lame insult and fired one back.

“Michael,” Maria said with a stamp of her foot.

He put down the phone and gave her his full attention. “Sorry, take out is fine. Have fun with your mom. Bring me home some cake.”

“It's wedding cake, Michael. Aren't you allergic?”

He picked up a wrench and avoid her caustic glare.

She sighed wearily, “I'll see you later. Ass.”

Michael threw the wrench down and rubbed his face. She was right, he was an ass.

He checked the time and decided to finish up working on his bike, and get ready for the golf game. He picked up the discarded wrench and his other tools and tossed them back in his tool box.

Michael opened one of the smaller compartments of the tool box and pulled out a small velvet box and checked the contents. The diamond ring sparkled in the sun light.

He was such a chicken shit.

The ring had been hiding in that box for almost seven months now, since he had gone to Vegas for Kyle's father's bachelor party. He still wasn't sure what had possessed him to buy an engagement ring with the money he had won in a red hot winning streak on the craps tables but he was sure that the large amount of alcohol he had consumed was behind it.

He'd planned to propose at on their anniversary, then when they'd been on their vacation, then Christmas, New Year's Eve, her birthday. Each date had come and gone, but still the ring remained hidden in the tool box.

Valentine's Day was the next goal.

He really, truly intended to propose but the mere thought of it brought him out in a cold sweat. Truthfully, he envied Max and Alex who were able to talk about their emotions and be romantic and snappy. He wanted to be able to tell Maria that he loved her, and to show her just how much she meant to him. He wanted her to be his wife.

He just couldn't take that step.

TO MICHAEL
Five slaps each?

Michael put the ring back in the toolbox and put it in the hall closet.

Valentine's Day, he promised.

He grabbed his phone and tapped out a message for Max.

TO MAX
That's more like it. Still not biting tho.

His phone beeped almost at once.

TO MICHAEL
Five kicks each, plus one kick in the nuts. Final offer.

Michael rocked back on his heals and contemplated the offer. Normally, he would have no problem taking on any bet when it came to golf. It was his game, and he owned the other three guys at it. But the three of them playing together just might be able to beat him. It was unlikely that Max would be suggesting the bet at all if he wasn't confident that they could beat him. His persistence is driving up the stakes was worrying.

Her blew out a breath. Five slaps each was tempting, plus the offer of one kick to the nads would have sold it normally, but if he lost he'd have to take three kicks to the nads himself, he reflexively crossed his legs and winced at the thought. Plus fifteen slaps that could come from anywhere, at any time. He'd never be able to relax around them. But how the hell could he get out of it without losing face?

Finally he decided to have a shower and think it over before he replied. He threw the phone down on the bed and stripped out of his dirty clothes and headed to the bathroom.

TO MICHAEL
Can you drop the DVD back for me please? I forgot to bring it with me. Thanks babe xxx

Michael emerged from the bathroom a few minutes later and started pulling on his golf clothes. He hated the preppy clothes he had to wear for golf, but they were mandatory at the country club they were playing at today.

Once he was dressed he grabbed his phone, hit reply and typed out the message he'd mentally composed in the shower.

TO MARIA
I think we should end this now before you get really hurt. I want us 2 stay friends and that won't happen if we keep going like this.

***

Max pulled his car into a space in front of Michael's building and looked at himself in his rear view mirror. He was sporting Michael's hand print on his left cheek.

In the back seat, Kyle had a matching pawprint on his face. Alex had so far remained out of Michael's reach,

“Dude,” Alex said, climbing out of the car. “What happened your bike?”

Michael followed his gaze. “What the fuck?” He threw open the car door and climbed out.

His bike was lying on it's side. The lights were smashed, the tyres slashed, the leather seat ripped and paint had been poured over the gleaming surface.

He surveyed the bike with a growing rage. “Fucking shitheads,” Michael roared.

The other guys gathered around him. Kyle patted him on the shoulder. “What happened?” he asked.

“How the fuck would I know? I was with you guys all afternoon,” Michael snapped angrily. He couldn't believe this had happened.

A neighbour emerged from a nearby apartment and joined them. “Tough break, dude. I got home about thirty minutes ago and it was like that. My wife didn't hear anything.”

Michael wondered if Maria had heard anything. He left the guys staring at the bike and let himself into his apartment to see if she was home.

He stopped dead inside the door.

The apartment was trashed. There was glass everywhere. The floor was littered with broken CDs and DVDs. The TV had been smashed. His recliner had been ripped up and his clothes were strewn all around the floor.

“Holy shit,” Max gasped as he entered the apartment behind him. “Were you guys robbed?”

Michael walked further into the apartment. “I don't know... nothing seems to have been taken. They just destroyed everything... shit, this is going to kill Maria.”

He wondered where she was. She should have been home before him. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and called her. She didn't answer it.

His heart was hammering in his chest now with fear that something had happened to her.

Alex and Kyle entered the apartment, swore loudly at the mess.

“Should I call the police?” Max asked.

“I'll call dad,” Kyle offered.

Michael tried Maria's phone again, this time it went straight to voicemail. Now he was really worried about her.

He switched to his text messages to see if she'd text him.

And his heart plummeted.

Oh holy fucking shitting shit.

“Sheriff’s department please,” Max said.

“No, wait,” Michael yelled. “Hang up.”

“What?”

“Hang up.”

Max looked confused. “Sorry, my mistake,” he said into the phone before disconnecting.

“What's going on?” Alex asked.

“It was Maria, she did this,” Michael explained.

Alex snorted. “What? No she didn't.”

Michael grabbed his hair and threw his head back. “Oh, this is so bad.”

“Why would Maria do this? What did you do, Guerin?” Kyle asked.

“I sent her a text that was meant for Max. She thinks I broke up with her,” Michael explained.

Kyle laughed. “Holy shit. You're toast.”

Max took the phone from Michael and read the text message. He grimaced. Kyle and Alex read the message over his shoulder. Kyle stopped laughing.

“I think we should end this now before you get really hurt. I want us 2 stay friends and that won't happen if we keep going like this,” Kyle read aloud. “Come on, she can't really think that you'd break up with her by text.”

“She might,” Alex said. He stepped back when Michael glared at him. “Well, it's pretty common knowledge that you'd rather run naked through the desert in a July heat wave than have an emotional conversation.”

Michael knew that was true. “But she can't believe that I’d want to break up with her, can she? Things have been really great between us lately, I’ve really been trying to be a good boyfriend.”

Alex averted his gaze.

“Whitman,” Michael said, his tone low and threatening.

“Um...” Alex swallowed nervously. Michael looked like he was about to lose it. “She got it into her head that you were being so nice because you had a guilty conscience over something. I told her that she had nothing to worry about.”

“Shit. So what do I do now?” Michael asked urgently.

“Flowers,” Kyle suggested at once.

Max shook his head. “It's going to take more than flowers, Michael. Maria really thinks that you broke up with her by text. She didn't think it was a joke, or that you'd sent it to the wrong person or that you'd got your wires crossed. She really thought that you were breaking up with her by text message.”

“So, what are you saying?”

“I'm saying that you're going to have to, you know, be honest about your feelings and actually talk about them.”

Michael groaned.

“But I guess, the flowers wouldn't hurt,” Max added. “Nice flowers. Not something from the gas station.”

“Where the fuck am I going to get flowers at six o'clock on a Saturday evening?” Michael asked. He could feel the panic rising. What if he couldn't fix this? What if he had really lost Maria?

He grabbed his phone from Max and tried calling Maria again. Max quickly took it back. “You're going to have to do it in person, Michael. Any idea where she might be?”

Before Michael could answer, three phones beeped loudly. Max, Alex and Kyle pulled out their phones.

TO MAX
You'll never believe what Michael did. Maria is devastated. I am going to kill that cock faced bastard!!

TO ALEX
Michael Grown is a fucking dead man

TO KYLE
I’m going to kill Michael. Maria is heartbroken.

“Uh oh,” Max whistled. “Looks like the coven have found out. They're probably sharpening the athames and lighting the fires right now. So if you're going to get Maria back, you need to do it now.”

Michael knew what he had to do, and he wasn't afraid to do it anymore, because opening himself up to Maria wasn't nearly as terrifying as losing her.

He swiveled on his heal and marched to the hallway closet, pulled out the tool box and took the engagement ring from it's hiding place.

Three pairs of eyebrows shot up in surprise when they realized what it was. He walked past them without saying anything and strode out to the car. He jumped into the driver's seat and started the car, the other three guys had to dive into it or he would have taken off without them.

Michael reached Amy Deluca's house in record, and probably illegal, time. He jumped out of the car without even stopping the engine and strode purposefully up the steps to the front door.

He knocked loudly and continuously until it was flung open by a very furious looking Amy Deluca.

“Shit,” Michael just before Amy punched him in the face. He stumbled backwards, clutching his face, and failed to see the second punch which landed square in the jaw. “Amy,” he gasped just as her foot connected with his groin.

He howled in pain and doubled over on the ground, curling in the foetal position with his hands cupping his sergeant general in an effort to protect them.

Jim Valenti came running out of the house and grabbed his wife before she could do any further damage.

Amy fought against his grip, trying to kick Michael some more. “You little shit. I knew you were going to break her heart. I knew it. I told you I’d kill you if you hurt her, and I meant it. I’m going to kill you, you mangy bastard. Let go of me Jim, I’m going to kill him.”

“It was a mistake,” Michael said. He tried to push himself up off the ground, but the pain was excruciating. “The text was meant was for Max. It wasn't for Maria. I sent it to the wrong person.”

“What?” Amy suddenly went quiet, though Jim didn't release her in case she was faking it.

“The text was meant for Max. It was a mistake, I didn't mean to send it to Maria. I wasn't trying to break up with her.” Michael looked around and motioned Max over to join them. “Tell her,” he pleaded.

“It's true, Mrs Valenti,” Max said. “It was for me. Michael had no intention of breaking up with her.”

Movement behind Amy caught Michael's attention and he struggled to his feet as Maria appeared in the doorway. She was flanked by her three best friends who were all shooting murderous glares in his direction.

Maria's face was pale and tear-stained.

“I'm sorry, baby,” Michael said. He took a step closer to her, and winced as the jarring movement sent pain shooting through his body. “I swear, I wasn't breaking up with you. I was trying to get out of Max's slap bet. That message wasn't meant for you at all.”

He took a deep breath and prepared to say the words he'd never said before. “I love you.”

Maria looked stunned for a moment before bursting into tears.

Michael didn't know if that was a good thing or a bad thing. He cast a helpless glance in Max's direction. Max motioned for him to keep going.

“I love you more than anything. You're the only girl I’ve ever loved, and will ever love. You're the most important thing in the world to me. I’m an ass, I know that. I’ve been a terrible boyfriend for our entire relationship. I had my eyes opened to that recently and I’ve been trying to be better for you since then. That's the only reason I’ve been acting differently.

“I wouldn't break up with you, ever. Because losing you is the most terrible thing that could ever happen to me. I love you... I don't know why I was afraid to say that before, because now I’ve said it, it seems easy. All it is, is the truth. I love you and I want to marry you.”

He pulled the ring out of his pocket and contemplated going down on one knee, but the simple act of lowering himself to the ground was too painful right now. “I can't go down on one knee right now, but-”

His words were cut off as Maria flung herself into his arms and kissed him hard on the mouth. “I love you too,” she said through tears and kisses. “I'm sorry for thinking the worst.”

“I'm sorry for making you think the worst,” Michael said. He brushed her tears away with his thumb. “I'll be better, I promise.”

Maria laughed and kissed him again.

“So, is that a yes?” Michael asked.

“Yes!” Maria cried. She accepted the ring from him and slipped it on her finger before hugging him tightly.

Their audience cheered and clapped as Michael and Maria kissed again.

“I'm sorry for trashing the apartment. And wrecking your bike,” Maria said. “And for selling your car to Brent Harrison for thirty dollars.”

“What!?”

“I'll get it back off him,” Maria assured him. She shot him a dazzling smiled before turning to her friends and Amy and Jim. “We're engaged!”

There was a lot of hugging and congratulations then as everybody crowded around them. Jim was dispatched to get champagne for everybody. And ice for Michael.

“Welcome to the family, Michael,” Amy said as she helped him up the steps. “We're thrilled to have you. I always knew you'd do the right thing by her eventually.”

“I hope you're not expecting grandkids, because I think you just kicked them goodbye,” Michael said to his mother-in-law to be.

Maria followed behind. “So, I should probably call Brent Harrison. Has anybody got his phone number?”

***