Matchmaking 101
by Drogyn
Category: Alternate Universe without Aliens
Couples: CC All with emphasis on Max/Liz, but with Tess as the main character
Rating: TEEN
Disclaimer: I do not own Roswell nor do I own any of the characters of Roswell. This story was written for amusement purposes only and no disrespect towards any of its owners is intended.
Summary: Liz needs a date for the prom and Tess sets out to do some matchmaking.
--
Prom; the ultimate four-letter word.
I don't remember what genius said those words, but whoever it was had been totally right. In just two weeks time, the Roswell High Junior prom is coming up and I, like many other people, have searched through Roswell for the perfect dress.
Then yesterday I finally found it; a form-fitting emerald-green dress that does a really good job at accentuating my assets, while still being tasteful enough so people don't start calling me a slut again. I wanted a photo of myself wearing the dress, but since dad has been gone on a business trip for a little over a week now, leaving me no one at home who could take the picture, I had to settle for a photo of the dress lying on my bed.
I hand Liz the photo and as soon as she sees it, she smiles. Yes, I know that Liz isn't the most honest person when it comes to these things. In fact, I'm pretty sure she would tell me I look beautiful if I was wrapped in a curtain, but her smile doesn't lie as easily. "So what do you think?"
"Wow, that looks amazing," she admits. Excellent answer. “So did you get Kyle to rent a tux?”
Yeah, I really should mention that to Kyle one of these days. He hates dressing up, so he's not gonna go along willingly, but he will do it. I'll make sure he will. “Not yet, but I will. So have you asked anyone already?”
The scared, nervous look that Liz is giving me speaks volumes. “Liz?”
“Not yet.” Alright, let me give you an introduction to Liz Parker. She's the smartest girl in school, she's an amazing friend and she's the biggest wuss I have ever met when it comes to guys. My three-year-old niece is better with boys than Liz is. When Liz says 'not yet’, what she means is 'I was too scared to ask anyone and now I hope you stop talking about it'.
Ha! Doesn't she know me at all?
"Liz?" I ask warningly.
Liz gives me an apologizing stare and smiles. "Or maybe I could just..."
"No!" I know this sounds rude, but I know exactly what she was gonna say. "Liz, you’re not going to spend the night alone in your room studying like you did the last time. It's our junior prom; a once-in-a-lifetime event and the perfect opportunity for you to say more than two words to someone of the opposite sex.”
“Well it’s not like I never…” she stammers.
“And your dad does not count!” I see the embarrassed look in Liz’s eyes. I really hit the nail on the head there.
“But Tess, I got this big test the day after and I…”
"Stop! Just stop it." I take a deep breath. “Liz, just ask a guy out. It’s really not rocket science and you’re goodlooking enough to have your pick of cute guys you can date.”
Is she actually blushing? She is!
"Oh my God!" I know I should be used to Liz's overly shy behaviour when it comes to boys and such, but she still manages to surprise me.
Now before you get the wrong idea, let me make one thing very clear. Liz is not a pushover. When it comes to guys, she’s overly shy and unsure of herself, but she has a mind of her own and when it comes to stuff like academics, she’s the female version of Stalin. My cellphone went off while Liz was explaining some kind of algebra thingie to me and she yelled at me so loud that I was afraid of her for a week.
But like I said, when it comes to guys, I'm used to Liz acting like a total wimp. But that is one thing that needs to change. I know Liz wants to go to the dance, but she just doesn't know how to ask someone out.
Maybe I should be more proactive with Liz.
"How about some prospects?” I say as I scan the crowd around us. “What about Sean DeLuca?"
Liz looks at me sharply. "Not if he was the last man on Earth."
Yes, she's right. Liz and Sean would be a disaster because... well, because he's an asshole. I don't even know why I suggested him. “Alright, then how about Michael? He’s cool and pretty, in an unwashed sort of way.”
“He is nice,” Liz admits. “But don't you think that you and Maria hate each other enough without you setting me up with her boyfriend?"
Oh right. I totally forgot that those two had hooked up. What he sees in her, I'll never understand, but what's done is done. And he wasn't really Liz's type anyway. "Then how about Alex? Can’t go wrong with Alex. Even if he doesn’t like you, he’ll say yes just because he doesn’t want to hurt your feelings.”
“Oh, a pity-date; just what every girl longs for,” Liz mocks. You know, this is why it's so hard to get Liz to date anyone; she finds something wrong with everybody.
“Well, a pity-date is better than no date.”
“Well anyway, he asked Isabel Evans.” And another excuse. I don't even know why... what?!
“Isabel Evans?! And she said yes?!” I don't mean to sound condescending towards Alex, but Isabel is by far the most popular girl in school and Alex is like... not. "Well, way to got Alex!"
“I overheard Max say that her exact words were I thought you’d never ask,” Liz explained, a small smile appearing on her face.
Oh Liz Parker, you just made a big mistake.
“Right… Max. What about him?” It’s so stupid of me that I didn’t think of him before.
“Max? What about him?” Liz asks innocently. Come on Liz; don’t act like you’re stupid. I’m better at it than you. Hmmm, good thing I didn’t say that out loud.
“Date-worthy?” I just ask.
Her eyes open wide. “Didn’t he turn you down last year?” she asks.
Yes he did, and thank you so much for reminding me of that, Liz. He’s the only person who ever said no when I asked him out. Not my finest moment, but that shouldn’t stop Liz from asking him out. “So?”
“So?” she asks incredulously as if I just said the most stupid thing she had ever heard. “Tess, if he turned you down, what chance do you think I’m gonna make?”
Hehe. You gotta love Liz. “Come on Liz. It’s not like I’m perfect and all men here find me irresistable… oh visual!”
Oh, imagine all the boys being head-over-heels with me. Paradise…
Alright, I’m back.
“You know, maybe he said no because he wanted to date you.” In case you’re wondering, that is not just a hypothetical thought. I’ve caught Max Evans staring at Liz on more than one occasion. Like I said; I cannot believe I didn’t think about him earlier.
“Yeah right!” Liz scoffs. She really doesn’t believe it. “But whatever the case, I can’t just walk up to Max and ask him out. What if he says no? Oh my God, what if he says yes?!”
I roll my eyes. “Liz, he’s constantly staring at you. Really, you would make his year if you asked him out. I mean, Isabel calls the guy Moondoggie for crying out loud!”
“Max? But he’s so cool... and hot; don’t you think he’s hot?”
“Max turned me down. He’s gay to me.” I shoot Liz a smile. “Though I have to say, for a gay person, he does look pretty yummy." Yes, I have a boyfriend, but that doesn’t make me blind.
Liz doesn’t respond. She’s clearly not planning to keep up with her end of the conversation here. “Liz, for the love of God, just ask the guy out."
"No!" Liz yelps loudly. “I’m really happy that you care enough about me to get me to ask someone out, but the mere thought of asking out Max Evans makes me want to faint.”
I just smile. “Excellent. Then we’ve made a good choice.”
“Tess noooo,” Liz whines. "I can't ask him out. I’m sorry but I really can’t.”
“Give me one good reason why not?”
“Because Max would never go out with someone like me."
Oh my God, she really doesn’t listen to a word I say, does she? "Sure he would. In fact, do it right now and get it over with.”
"I... I can't. I’m sorry," Liz says nervously and before I can answer her, she quickly scurries away from the table and out of the cafeteria.
Liz Parker, you need some serious help. Luckily, I know just where to turn.
~~
I don’t know why, but my hands are shaking. Isabel Evans is the only girl in school who can make me feel small and insignificant and for that reason, I usually try to avoid her, but I really need to talk to her now so I guess I don’t have a choice. By some miracle, she’s actually alone for a second, so now is as good a time as any.
“Uh Isabel?” I ask cautiously.
“Tess Harding,” she says, acknowledging my presence. “What are you doing at my table? Already trouble in paradise with you and Kyle Valenti?”
I should probably explain that. A lot of girls go to Isabel for advice on dating so that sort of makes Isabel the date expert of Roswell High. A slightly conceded, but brilliant, expert.
“No, everything is great with me and Kyle.” I pause a second for dramatic effect. “I’m here because you need my help.”
That’s the only thing that will really get her attention.
Isabel smiles. “I need your help? Why on Earth would I ever need your help?”
"It's about your brother."
"Moondoggie? What about him?" I told you she calls her own brother Moondoggie. Kinda sad really.
"I'm trying to get him together with Liz Parker." It’s better not to beat around the bush too much with Isabel.
Isabel laughs out loud. “Tess, you need to find a different hobby because you are completely wasting your time there. Max is wuss; a total and complete wimp. All he does is watch from a distance. It's what he's always done and he will never change."
“But he likes Liz doesn’t he?” As if I really need confirmation, but I’ll ask anyway.
Isabel snorts. “Well duh!”
“Well, there has to be a way to get them together. She’s not going to make the first move.”
“Max won’t either…” Isabel starts. “And could you remind me how all of this is important to me?”
“What?”
“You said you were here because you could help me, remember?”
Oh right, I did say that. “Isabel, don’t you love your brother?”
“Of course.”
“And doesn’t that mean that you’re happy when he’s happy?”
Isabel smiles. “No, actually, his misery benefits me because if he stays at home, I can use the car on my dates.”
Alright, I didn’t see that one coming. Something tells me Isabel is not going to help me. Unless… “You mean like a date with Alex Whitman?”
Isabel’s expression changes for just a moment and I can see the twinkles in her eyes. She’s a master at covering up her feelings, so if I can tell, she must really like the guy.
Isabel shrugs as if it’s the most casual thing ever. “Yes, he asked me to prom yesterday and I didn’t have a date yet. Figured I might as well go with him.” See how she totally covered up her excitement with such a remark. They don’t call Isabel the Ice Queen for nothing.
Now I can’t help but smile. “Didn’t Jake Sarndall ask you out last week?”
“Yes, so?” Isabel says, a little annoyed. Ouch, better not go down this road.
“Nothing. I just want to say that Alex really is a lucky man.”
Isabel smiles. "Butter up and pan-fry me, Tess. What is it you want exactly?"
“Well… I’ve been trying to come up with a plan to get the two of them together, but it’s really not my area of expertise and I thought that maybe you could help me by thinking up a plan to get them together.”
Isabel sighs. “I feel really uncomfortable discussing my brother’s love life… but then again, it would be good for him to finally go out on a date. Alright, how about we liquor them up and throw them in a room together? Sound good?”
I don’t even know how to respond to that. "That depends on whether or not you’re ready to become auntie Isabel. In case you've forgotten, those two are majorly hot for each other, have three years of desires built up inside and alcohol has the ability to somewhat reduce inhibitions. Besides, isn't Max allergic to alcohol?"
"Yeah, you have a point,” Isabel reluctantly admits. “You know, I could ask Michael to..."
Whoa, stop right there. Michael?
“Stop! Any plan that involves Michael cannot possibly be a good idea.” I mean, the guy is nice and all, but tact is a concept that is completely lost on him.
Isabel lets out a sigh. “Look, if you’re so smart, why don’t you come up with a better plan yourself?”
“I’m not that smart. Liz is the smart one of the group… well, her and Alex.”
Alex, of course!
“Alex, we can ask Alex!”
“Oh no!” Isabel emphatically denies. “You know, I'd like to have gone out on a few dates with him before I show him I'm as crazy as you."
Yes, she said a few. She’s got it so bad.
"Fine. I'll do it without you."
~~
Over there, Alex and several of his friends are gathered around a table and they seem really engrossed in something.
"Alright, we're going to set up a perimeter here," Alex says, pointing at a map in the center of the cafeteria table. "Dewey and Mark, you scout from here and here. I will pull aggro from the adds over there and then you go in."
I should have known. "Hey Alex."
All eyes turn to me. Usually I don’t mind, but this is a little uncomfortable. “Hey Tess.”
"Planning your next World of Warcraft assault?"
"No, Ricky here is gonna ask Laurie DuPree to the prom. We're formulating a game plan."
I never thought I’d say this, but Alex Whitman just reached whole new heights of nerdiness. Now I don’t mind a little nerdiness, but this is getting ridiculous. "Alex, how you got the most popular girl in school to go out with you is beyond me. Can I talk to you for a minute?"
Alex grins. He’s not even upset. I knew he wouldn’t be. "Of course. What's up?" he says as I lead him away from the group.
"Have you ever noticed that Liz seems sort of attracted to..."
"Max Evans?" Alex finishes. "Yeah, I noticed. The whole school noticed, except for Max Evans himself. He's too busy looking away every time Liz glances at him."
I told you it was obvious. "Maybe we should help them out a bit."
"Stick our noses where they don't belong? Doesn't sound like a very good idea."
Now I’m disappointed in him. “Come on! Think of how nicely those two would fit together.”
Alex smiles. I knew he would see it my way. “It would even out the group again,” he reasons.
I look at him expectantly. "So do you have a plan?"
"Well, since my carefully laid out plan was just ridiculed... “ he says, giving me a fake stern look. “…why not just drag her over to Max and tell him that Liz wants to go out with him?"
"That would be a good idea..."
"I know," Alex said in a fake-humble tone of voice.
"...but how do I stop Liz from dropkicking me and running off before we reach Max?"
Alex shrugs. "Liquor her up?"
"Oh my God! You're as insane as your girlfriend!"
“I’m sorry,” Alex apologizes with a big grin on his face, probably because I said girlfriend. “Look, you’re talking to the wrong person here.. Talk to Maria; she has gotten Liz to do many a thing that Liz didn't want to do. It's a real gift Maria has; she talks and talks and when she walks away, she's imprinted this thought in your brain. You think it's yours, but it's really hers."
Oh shit, I was afraid he was going to say that. "Yeah, there's this tiny problem with that; me and Maria don't really like each other."
“Oh really?” Alex says, sarcasm dripping from his voice. “And why is that again?”
He knows why.
“I called her a bitch.” I actually called her quite a few things worse than that.
“And?”
He’s going to make me say it, isn’t he? Fine.
“And I might have said something along the lines of… that her ugly face was the reason her dad ran off.” Alright, so maybe I went a little too far with that one.
Alex looks at me with a strange expression on his face. “Tess, what you said to Maria that day in the cafeteria was horrible. She cried on the bathroom for half an hour!”
Now hold on a damned minute! “Hey, she started it! She called me the slut of Roswell High and she…”
“That doesn’t matter,” Alex interjects. “If you want Maria’s help, you’re gonna have to do something you’re not gonna like?”
“And what is that?”
Please don’t say apologize.
“Apologize.”
Damn! “On my list of things I wanna do, that ranks just above swimming in a bath of sulphuric acid. Alex, I cannot apologize to Maria.”
“Why not?”
Because the whole school called me the slut of Roswell High for an entire week. Just because I didn’t go crying in the bathroom, I’m the villain here?
“Tess?” Alex asks softly. “I realize that Maria hurt you too. You’re not the villain here, but you can be the bigger person.”
Alright, is he reading my mind or something?
“Alex, I’m sorry. I know Maria is your friend too.”
“Just think about it.”
~~
Alright, I’m standing in front of Maria’s house now. Maybe Alex was right; maybe someone just needs to be the bigger person here. I just never imagined it would be me. I’m not even sure if Maria is going to listen to what I have to say… heck, I’m not even sure she’s home.
The front door opens, showing Amy DeLuca; Maria’s mother, in a white apron. The fresh cake stains reveal that she was probably baking a cake. She offers me a friendly smile and waits for me to speak.
If only Maria was more like her mother, this would be so much easier.
“Hello miss DeLuca. I’m Tess and I am looking for Maria.”
She smiles again and steps aside, allowing me to come in. “Maria’s friends usually call me Amy. Miss DeLuca makes me feel old… old and single,” she jokes.
I don’t think pointing out that I am not Maria’s friend is such a good idea right now.
“Maria’s room is upstairs. First door on your left.”
“Thank you,” I offer and slowly walk upstairs, stopping in front of the first door on the left. Taking a deep breath, I knock on the door twice.
This is it; no way back.
“Come in,” I hear Maria’s voice say in a friendly voice.
When I open the door, Maria is sitting on her bed, focused on the television. After about two seconds, Maria glances my way and practically dives for the remote control, so I glance at the television.
Lizzie McGuire? Oh my God!
But I can’t laugh. I came here to apologize and that is what I will do.
Maria is frantically trying to use the remote to shut down the television, but it doesn’t seem to work and I can practically see her head turn red from embarrassment.
Maybe I should give her a hand.
I walk over to the television and turn it off, and then I turn to Maria. The first look she’s giving me is one of gratitude. That look lasts for about zero point one seconds, and the next look on her face shows anger. A lot of anger.
“What the hell are you doing in my house, you bitch? Come to take another jab at me?”
I told you this was not going to be easy.
“Your mom let me in. I was hoping we could talk.”
Maria’s expression changes again. Mixed with the still present anger is now something I can’t quite read. Sadness? Disbelief? Amusement? I don’t know.
“You expect me to believe that you want to talk to me? Don’t insult me Tessie, what do you really want?”
Tessie. I hate it when people call me Tessie.
“First of all, it’s Tess. Don’t strain yourself by using more vowels than necessary,” I start. “And second of all, I just came to say I’m sorry. I know I should have apologized earlier, so I’m sorry.”.
There’s that same expression again. “You’re sorry? Are you kidding me? You’re coming to my house to say you’re sorry?”
Why is that so hard to believe?
Don’t answer that.
“I am not kidding.”
Maria shoots me a cold look. “I don’t want your apologies. What I want is for you to get out of my house,” she hisses at me.
I don’t get it. She acts like she’s the innocent victim here. She’s the one who started the argument, she’s the one who stopped hanging out with Liz because I was there. What is her fucking problem?!
“Maria, we both said hurtful things to each other that day. I went too far and I’m sorry for that, but you’re not the innocent saint here and what you did to Liz really wasn’t fair.”
“What I did to Liz?” Maria asks incredulously.
“Oh please! Don’t start telling me that you have no idea what I’m talking about. The two of you used to be inseperable and now you barely speak. You blame Liz for not taking your side.”
“You’re damn right I do!” Maria shouts before letting out a deep breath. After that, her voice is soft. “I just don’t understand how she could defend you over her best friend? Some best friend she was.”
“And you stopped talking to her because she wanted to stay friends with both of us. Some best friend you were,” I say calmly.
Maria looks away. I think she got the message.
“Maria, I didn’t come here to blame you for anything. I came here to apologize,” I offer. “I’m prepared to let it pass and I’m sure Liz would be thrilled to have her best friend back.”
Maria doesn’t say anything for several seconds. I wonder what she’s thinking.
“I’m sorry too,” she finally says. “And uh… if you get phone calls from guys wanting to screw you… that’s because I put your name and phone number on an adult dating site.”
“You… you what?”
“Don’t worry. I used a nice picture,” Maria continues.
I don’t know how to respond to that. Is she serious? She can’t be serious.
Suddenly, Maria starts laughing. “Oh my God, that expression is priceless! I was joking of course… there are no nice pictures of you. Kidding again, jeez!”
Well, at least she’s smiling now.
“So what do you say? Shall we bury the hatchet?”
She smiles. “Sounds like a good idea. And I would appreciate it if you didn’t tell anyone what you saw when you entered my room.”
“Tell anyone what?”
“Thank you,” she offers and then takes a deep calming breath. “So now that we’re past the pleasantries, why don’t you tell me what do you want exactly?”
“What I want? Are you accusing me of coming here with an ulterior motive?” I ask in my most innocent voice. I know, my innocent voice needs work.
“Yes. Don’t tell me you came to my house just to apologize. You want something, I can see it in your eyes.”
Nothing goes past Maria DeLuca, does it?
“Liz needs a date for the dance.”
Maria raises her eyebrows. “And you thought of me?”
“No, I thought of Max Evans.”
At the mention of Max Evans, Maria’s eyes lit up and she smiles at me. “Oh, that’s a good choice. She’s always watching him when he’s not looking. There’s some major bottled up feelings there.”
“Exactly, and it’s quite obvious that he feels the same way. The only problem is that Max and Liz have this other thing in common that makes it a little hard to get them together.”
“The fact that they’re both wimps?” Maria guesses.
“Exactly. Any ideas to get those two together and please oh please don’t suggest alcohol.”
Maria smiles. “Why the sudden interest in Liz’s love life?”
“I don’t know. It’s starting to annoy me that someone as nice, intelligent and admittedly goodlooking as Liz is still sitting at home on Friday nights. You know, she wants to skip the dance.”
“Again?!” Maria shrieks.
“Yes again,” I confirm. “Look Maria, I know we’re not friends, but I hope Liz is still your friend.”
“Of course she is,” Maria says softly.
“Max and Liz are perfect for each other, but neither one of them will initiate any kind of contact without help. So what can we do?”
“God, I don’t know,” Maria sighs. “I tried to get Liz to go out, date, mingle, but all my efforts have been in vain. Although now that you mention it, she did ask someone out in her freshman year.”
Well that’s good news. Maybe the situation isn’t as hopeless as I feared.
“So she did go out with someone in high school?”
“No, he turned her down.”
Great. That’s just great. “What idiot would turn down a date with Liz?”
Maria smiles sweetly at me. I don’t like that smile. “I believe you call him ‘boyfriend’.”
She has to be kidding me. “Liz asked out Kyle Valenti?”
“She did, and he said no. He wasn’t a jerk about it, unlike some of the other football players I asked out once. I remember when I asked out Tommy, he laughed in my face. I swear, he had that kick in the groin coming. That self-centered, arrogant…”
“Maria, please turn off vengeance mode. Kyle turned her down. Maybe she’s just afraid of another rejection.”
“Brilliant deduction Jessica Fletcher! Yes, that thought had occurred to me. But what can we do about it? It’s not like I can force Kyle to tell Liz that he didn’t mean to give her a rejection complex.”
I feel a grin forming on my face. “I can.”
Maria actually seems to consider it for a moment. “Wouldn’t do any good. Why not just walk up to Max and tell him Liz wants to ask him out.”
“He wouldn’t believe it unless Liz was standing right next to me.”
“Yeah, I know,” Maria agrees with a loud sigh. “Now that I think of it, didn’t you ask out Max Evans last year?”
Why is everyone focussing on that?
“Yes, and he turned me down. Why is that important?”
“Oh I don’t know,” Maria starts, making it very clear that she does know. “Liz asks out Kyle Valenti and he refuses. Then you ask out Kyle and he says yes. Maybe Liz feels that she doesn’t stand a chance with a guy who rejected you.”
“That’s ridiculous!”
“Yes, it is ridiculous. You’re not that special… no offense,” Maria quickly adds. “But Liz is just looking for an excuse.”
You know Maria, you don’t have to say every insult that comes into your mind out loud. You can let some of them slide.
“So what do we do?”
Maria lets out a deep sigh. “I really have no idea. I’ve made my peace with Liz being the way she is around guys. There’s nothing you or me can say that will help. Believe me, I tried.”
That’s a real shame. They would have made a really cute couple.
~~
I haven’t seen Liz or Maria today, so I have no idea whether or not they made up. To tell you the truth, I’m kind of curious. Look, there’s Liz at our table…
I’ll be damned.
She’s not alone. Sitting right next to her is Max Evans, and the two are so engrossed in each other that they probably wouldn’t notice if a bomb exploded.
With a loud thud, I let my tray of food fall down on the table. “Hello Liz. Hello Max.”
Max smiles at me awkwardly. “Hey Tess.”
“I’m sorry. I hope you don’t mind that I invited Max to join us,” Liz said softly.
Mind? I spent half of yesterday to make this happen. How the hell did this happen? I smile at Liz. “Explain please.”
“Well, I uh… I asked him to the prom.”
Well hallelujah!
“When did that happen?”
Liz shoots me a shy smile. “Just after lunch. I figured you had a point, so I walked up to Max and asked him out. Max said yes.”
“Un-fucking-believable,” I hear myself mutter. While I was moving heaven and earth to make it happen, they were already making out in the Eraser Room.
“So Max, tell me… what are your intentions for my Lizzie? Honorable, I hope.”
"Tess, stop!" Liz giggled.
“What’s so funny?” I hear Maria’s voice ask from behind me.
I don’t even look around.
“Oh my God! Liz that’s a boy who’s holding your hand!” Maria shrieked.
Liz giggles. “I know.”
Maria places her hands over her heart. “Aw, the two lovepuppies… finally together.”
Maria then turns to me. “Wow, you’re more resourceful than I thought,” she whispers.
“Don’t look at me. I’m as surprised as you.”
Liz smiles as she looks at me and Maria. “I don’t know what you’re whispering about… but did the two of you make up?”
“Yeah,” Maria admits. “Tessie apologized.”
There she goes again. It’s Tess! How friggin hard is that to remember?
“It’s Tess,” I growl.
Liz just smiles at Maria and me. I can tell that she’s happy.
And that’s good.
Everything is good.
The End