Mea Culpa 1/1 (ML, Teen) COMPLETE

[Lolita]

Coupling: ML
Rating: Teen
Disclaimer: I don't own Roswell or any of it's characters.
Summary: Pre - EOTW. Alternate timeline. It's 2014, a week before Future Max travels back to the past using the Granolith.
Author's Note: I was a little unsure about posting this. It has strong hints of religion in it and I usually try to keep my stories pretty neutral. Let me know what you think.

Mea Culpa: Latin. I'm to blame. The literal translation from the Latin is 'through my own fault.'

Confiteor

Confiteor Deo omnipotenti,
beatæ Mariæ semper Virgini,
beato Michæli Archangelo,
beato Ioanni Baptistæ,
sanctis Apostolis Petro et Paulo,
omnibus Sanctis, et vobis, fratres (et tibi pater),
quia peccavi
nimis cogitatione, verbo et opere:
mea culpa,
mea culpa,
mea maxima culpa.
Ideo precor beatam Mariam
semper Virginem,
beatum Michælem Archangelum,
beatum Ioannem Baptistam,
sanctos Apostolos Petrum et Paulum,
omnes Sanctos, et vos, fratres (et te, pater),
orare pro me ad Dominum Deum nostrum.
Amen.

English translation


Mea Culpa

I drag my tired wife into the shelter of the dark cathedral, furtively glancing at our surroundings. ‘We’ll be safe here,’ I whisper to her. She nods her head in response and leans her weight against me.

I make my way through rows upon rows of wooden pews, barely glancing at the women who pause in their rosaries as they stare at me and Liz.

We must be such a sight. Tired, grimy, and sweaty, we walk through the church with our heads bowed down low. Both Liz and I are careful not to make a sound for fear of disturbing the peace of such a beautiful place.

We find a place to sit in a dark corner of the church and exhale a tired breath.

‘I’m tired, Max,’ she says to me and I notice the lines of worry around her eyes.

‘I know, sweetheart,’ I reassure her, ‘Serena will come up with a plan soon.’

I feel her nod against me and she burrows closely to my side. I drop a quick kiss on her head and wrap my arm around her shoulders.

It’s funny that this would be my first time in a church. Growing up, I never believed in religion. How could I knowing where I came from. I mean I wasn’t even sure that I believed in a God. God wouldn’t have taken away my sister. God wouldn’t have let her die in my arms when I was unable to heal her with my powers. God would have never been that cruel.

He wouldn’t have let the world as I know it be destroyed by an egomaniacal alien named Khivar. He would have given us the power to fight, to resist, to save the lives that we lost. Wasn’t God supposed to be good? Wasn’t he supposed to fight evil?

I feel the weariness deep within my bones. There are not many of us left – only Michael, Serena, Liz and I. Even Michael isn’t really truly alive. Ever since Maria was killed outside a diner in Texas the year before, Michael has been hell-bent on destroying himself. The only thing on his mind is revenge and he doesn’t care who he takes down with him. I’ve pleaded with him many times to be more careful, that Maria wouldn’t want to see him this way, but I think he’s beyond caring. I think his heart doesn’t want to live anymore.

I don’t blame him.

I look down at the woman that I love sleeping peacefully beside me with her head against my shoulder and I know that if something were to happen to her I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself.

Liz is strong but I hear her crying at night when she thinks I’m asleep. I know she cries for the loss of our friends – Alex and Isabel and Maria, and I know that she mourns her parents (having been killed by a fire set by Nicholas). It makes me feel powerless to know that there’s nothing I can do about her pain. Any amount of affection or caress will never be able to ease the sadness that she feels.

My eyes take in the Latin, gothic style of the church. I find myself suddenly fascinated by the image of Christ suffering on the cross. I stare at the crucifix transfixed, until I feel my eyes water and tears start coursing down my face.

I try to stifle the sob that threatens to erupt from my throat.

I feel Liz stir a little beside me and I gently extract myself from her not wanting to wake her up.

I shove my hands in my pockets and look up at the vaulted ceiling, trying to suppress my tears. Liz needs me right now. She needs me to be strong and not to give up. She needs to know that there’s hope that this fighting will end. But how can I tell her that I’m scared. That I don’t think this will end. That I feel lost and hopeless.

How do you tell the woman that you love that you’ve given up?

I stare at the crucifix again and feel the bubble of guilt that I’ve been suppressing rise up and threaten to drown me.

Knowing that all of this is my fault eats me up like nothing has before.

I know that I could have prevented all of this. There were so many paths that I could have taken, it’s hard to know which one would have been right. All I know is that all this death and destruction started with me.

I notice a dark wooden closet to my side. I remember seeing something like it in a movie I saw years ago. A priest sat on one side and a person sat at the other, a screen panel separating the two so that the confessor felt a semblance of anonymity. The door opens and an older lady steps out, clutching a bible to her chest.

The urge to unburden my sins is strong and I find myself slowly drifting towards the closet door.

I open it and step inside. I find myself closeted in a four foot by four foot enclosure, with a dim lamp as the only light. I sit on the chair provided and stare at the wall in thought. A second later, I hear the panel beside me slide open.

‘In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen,’ I hear a soft, masculine voice say.

For a moment I’m stunned. I’m not quite sure what to say. I keep my mouth shut and gape in silence until I hear the priest say, ‘Is anybody there?’

‘Y-yes,’ I stutter and watch the priest’s silhouette pause, waiting for me to continue.

‘I’m not sure what to say, Father,’ I admit, feeling quite stupid for having gone in here in the first place.

‘Say whatever is in your heart,’ the priest advises.

‘Um…to be honest, I’m not even Catholic,’ I confess.

‘That’s okay. God accepts all,’ he assures me.

It’s on the tip of my tongue to tell him that I don’t even believe if there is a god but I keep my mouth shut knowing that this isn’t a good time to make that admission.

I take a deep breath but it comes out as a sigh.

‘I don’t know where to start…I’m afraid father. I’m afraid of the things that I’ve done and the things that I still have to do. I’m afraid of the consequences of my past actions and who they have hurt.’

I bow my head and rub my forehead against the heel of my hand, somehow hoping that the friction would erase all the horrible memories.

‘The responsibility is killing me. It’s slowly eating me alive, that sometimes I wish I could just die. Oh what I wouldn’t trade to bring my sister and my friends back, knowing that it was my fault they died. It was because of me that all of this fighting started. All they want is me. I know that if I surrendered myself, all of this would stop. But I can’t. I just can’t. I can’t leave Liz behind. She’s my life. If anything were to happen to her…’

I wipe away the tears running down my cheeks knowing that crying about this doesn’t do any good. Indecision rages within me.

‘Everything happens for a reason,’ the priest says surprising me. He’s been quiet all this time and hearing his voice break the silence of the room startles me.

‘None of us have the power to bring the dead back to life,’ he says. ‘It isn’t God’s way. The only thing we can do is honor the memory of those who have passed. Ensure that the lives they lived have meaning.

‘Moses, too was once lost. God found him and guided him to help and shelter. God had a purpose for him, as he has a purpose for you.’

I almost want to laugh at his advice. What purpose can God have for a reincarnated alien king, who doesn’t even belong on this planet?

I stand up and take one last look at the screen partition. ‘Thanks for your time, Father.’

‘God absolves you of your sins. May you go in peace,’ he replies.

I open the confessional doors and make my way back to my sleeping wife.

As I approach her, I noticed that she’s awake and is speaking with a man and a woman.

Michael and Serena.

‘What’s going on?’ I ask as I settle myself beside Liz.

‘Serena has a plan,’ Liz replies squeezing my hand.

I dart my eyes to our red-haired friend and nod solemnly waiting for Serena to continue.

‘I found a way to bring the others back and end this war,’ she says looking up at me, her eyes full of determination.

‘How?’ I’m eager to hear her answer.

‘I figured out a way to use the granolith to go back in time,’ she replies.

‘That’s scientifically impossible. The laws of physics won’t allow it,’ Liz blurts out.

I ignore my wife’s outburst and continue to stare at Serena in curiosity. ‘What do we have to do?’

‘I just have to get the crystals and recalibrate the settings…’

I listen to her explain the rest of her plan and find myself hoping and wishing that it works.

‘So then we can all go?’ I ask clutching Liz’s hand in my own.

Serena smiles sadly at me. ‘Sorry, Max. We can’t. Only you can.’

‘No. No!’ I shake my head and tighten my hold on my wife’s hand. ‘I’m not leaving Liz.’

Serena looks to Liz and turns back to me. ‘I’m sorry, Max. You’re the only one with the seal,’ she says apologetically. She looks at us one more time before walking away, leaving Liz, Michael and I alone.

‘I better go check on her,’ Michael mumbles before leaving to follow our friend.

I look down at Liz and see the tears in her eyes and my heart breaks in two. I gather her to me and inhale the sweet scent of her hair.

I feel her gently pull away and look up at me. ‘It’s okay, Max. We’re going to get them back. We’re going to save them,’ she says to me.

‘But what about you? And Serena and Michael?’

She shakes her head and places her palm against my cheek. ‘It’s our chance to right our wrongs, Max. You have the power to save us all.’

I stare at my wife’s gentle eyes and feel awed by her love and confidence in me. A love and confidence that up until now, I didn’t think I deserved. As I gather her to me and make our way out of the church, I briefly close my eyes and for the first time pray to whatever god is out there to watch over us.

‘Did you say something, Max?’ Liz asks. I shake my head and continue to walk down the street.

I take a deep breath, trying to suppress the fear I feel. I clutch Liz tighter to me, prepared to face the unknown.

May God forgive us all.


The End.