What They Have (Liz POV, M/L, M/M, Teen, Pt. 1/1)
Posted: Sat Aug 23, 2014 8:41 am
(Banner by me)
Title: What They Have
Disclaimer: Roswell and its characters do not belong to me. No copyright infringement intended.
Summary: Pre-Season 3, Liz compares her and Max’s relationship to Michael and Maria’s.
Category: Liz POV (Canon)
Author’s Note: Written for the Roswell’s Inferno challenge at Roswell Heaven. The task is to use one of the seven deadly sins to inspire a piece of writing. This sin is envy. I thought it was too cliché to write a story about how Maria envies Liz and Max, so I thought I’d put a spin on it. It always bothered me that the writers took a smart, strong female lead in Liz and did what they did with her in “Busted.” It just seemed out of character to me. So this is my version of the emotional conflict that built up to her actions in that episode.
I never thought I would feel this way, let alone admit to it. But here I am, about to start my senior year of high school, and I must confess . . . I’m envious. More envious than I ever thought I could be.
Envy is normal. I know that. Everyone feels it at some point or another, even those of us who have already been blessed with so much. And I am blessed, in more ways than one. I have an amazing family, friends who might as well be family, and Max, my boyfriend, whom I love more than anything in the world. I’m blessed because he saved me. I’m living life when I should technically be dead.
But still . . . I envy.
If it was just a passing feeling, it wouldn’t be such a big deal. But it settled in around May, and it hasn’t passed yet. And the scary thing is, I’m starting to think it never will.
You see, it’s weird, but . . . I envy Michael and Maria.
Oh god, if Maria could read my mind right now, if she knew I was jealous of her relationship . . . she’d think I was crazy. After all, she’s always been the one to envy me. She’s made it no secret that she wants what Max and I have. I’ve heard her lecture Michael about it on more than one occasion. I can tell it bothers him when she starts in on him about working too much, not making enough time for her, doing things like spacing off their dates and complaining about their dates when they do end up going on them. Sometimes I actually feel bad for Michael, because he really does try to be a good boyfriend. It’s not his fault he grew up the way he did, with the man he grew up with. He never had anyone to show him how to be a gentleman.
But oddly enough . . . he is gentle. With her, at least.
Sometimes, when we’re all working together at the Crashdown, I’ll notice them slip off into the back room together. I used to think they were hooking up, because that would just be typical, and Maria’s told me her fair share of stories about places they’ve done it in the restaurant. (For the record, I’ve tried to mentally block out every single one of those stories.) As it turns out, though, when they go off like that together, they’re not hooking up. I walked back there once, and they were just sitting on the couch together, cuddling, spending their lunchtime break in each other’s company. They were so wrapped up in each other, they didn’t even notice me, didn’t hear me. But I heard Michael. I heard him tell Maria he loved her.
I know that he loves Maria. Sometimes I think everyone except Maria knows that. He’s proven it time and time again. The thing is, hearing him tell her that he loves her . . . it sparked something in me. That horrible feeling . . . envy. Overwhelming. Absolute.
At first I wondered why I would envy them. It’s not like Max hasn’t told me he loves me before. But . . . he hasn’t told me lately. And he hasn’t just sat with me and held me in his arms. Michael may forget about his dates, but at least he occasionally goes on them. Max and I haven’t gone out since our failed attempt at skinny-dipping. He’s been too busy, searching for his son.
I’m helping him. Really. Truly. I’m supportive. I’m the supportive girlfriend in all of this. I want him to find his child, even though it’s not my child. I understand why he feels the need to recover what he lost. But it’s still hard, feeling like you’re someone’s second priority.
I envy Maria because she gets to be her boyfriend’s first priority. Even if he doesn’t always act like it, I suspect Maria is the first thing Michael thinks about when he wakes up in the morning. I know there is no one he cares about more. He proved that when he stayed on Earth for her. And that right there is another reason why I envy them.
I know Max felt like he couldn’t stay. He was just doing the honorable thing by leaving. I once told Sean that Max was an incredibly honorable guy, and even though I’ve seen a more fallible version of him since then, I still believe that. Max was going to leave for Antar with Tess, not because he loved her, but because he loved his son. He acted irresponsibly, but he knew he had to step up and face the consequences. He had no other choice. He knew that. I know that.
But it still breaks my heart nonetheless. Sometimes, when I’m asleep, I dream that we’re back at the pod chamber, yelling at them to let us in, hoping beyond hope that they’ll hear us. But in my dream, it isn’t Michael who walks out; it’s Max. And even though, in my dream, he doesn’t do the so-called honorable thing, I just don’t care. Because I’m too happy.
The truth is, I may never be as happy with Max as I once was. When we were sophomores, despite all the intense drama we were dealing with, we were still so innocent. We don’t have that innocence anymore. Our relationship will never be the same. It changed forever when he slept with Tess. It even changed before that, when I pretended to sleep with Kyle, when an older version of himself forced me to alter a timeline I would do anything to still be living.
But Michael and Maria’s relationship has not changed. Sure, they’ve taken the obvious steps forward, like practically living together this summer while her mom has been setting up her new shop in Santa Fe, and becoming sexually active. So in some ways, they are different. But those ways are expected, all part of the plan, all positive. Max and I changed in ways that pushed our relationship backward, ways that deviated from the plan. Throughout all the events of last year, Michael and Maria never lost each other. In fact, they got closer, while Max and I grew further apart.
So maybe that’s why I’m so determined to help him find his son. I don’t want to be apart from him anymore. That distance that found its way in between us . . . I want to close it, forget it ever existed. I’ll do anything to have the kind of relationship Maria envies, because I’m so tired of wanting what she and Michael have and feeling like I’ll never quite have it anymore.
I’m serious. I will do anything.
Including stage a robbery of a small Utah convenience store so that Max can get one step closer to finding his son. That’s probably a bad idea. But right now, I’m too envious to care.