How to impress a man:
Show up naked ... Bring beer and chicken wings ... Don't block the football game that's on TV
OMG That was hilarious!
Thanks!
The Differences between men and women
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FaithfulAngel24
- Roswell Fanatic
- Posts: 2594
- Joined: Fri Jan 28, 2005 1:34 am
- Location: Alabama for now, but someday I'll be on a beach in Morocco
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OMG That was hilarious!
Thanks!
Love is not finding the perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly. Looking for a little magic? Practical Enchantment
Five reasons to believe computers are male:
1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.
The Wish
A man walking along a beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required for it to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says 'nothing's wrong,' and, how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord was quiet for a second before speaking again, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.' "Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last.'"
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six?" His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."
1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.
The Wish
A man walking along a beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required for it to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says 'nothing's wrong,' and, how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord was quiet for a second before speaking again, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.' "Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last.'"
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six?" His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."
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FaithfulAngel24
- Roswell Fanatic
- Posts: 2594
- Joined: Fri Jan 28, 2005 1:34 am
- Location: Alabama for now, but someday I'll be on a beach in Morocco
- Contact:
LMAO!!!! She sure showed himShall we go home 'Mother of six?" His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four.
Thanks for sharing
Love is not finding the perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly. Looking for a little magic? Practical Enchantment
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Morning Dreamgirl
- Addicted Roswellian
- Posts: 368
- Joined: Tue Oct 09, 2001 4:58 pm
- Location: United States
Man's five most feared questions:
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to
explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e.tells the
truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analysed below
along with possible responses.
Question 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I have been a bit
pensive darling. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful,
thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have
met you."
This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most ikely is one of the following:
a. Nothing
b. Football
c. I was thinking that I might need to make a beer run before the football game
d. Anna Kournikova with her long legs and those short tennis outfits she wears
Or if you really wanted world war three you could say "If I wanted you to
know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you."
Question 2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: "YES" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is
necessary: "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh yeah, loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love
d. Does it matter
e. Who, me?
Question 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!!" Among the incorrect
answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
Question 4: Do you think she is prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!!"
Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define "pretty"
e. Turning head back to look at your wife/girlfriend after staring at the woman in guestion "Huh,were you talking to me?"
Question 5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question. (The real answer of course is "Buy Ferrari and a boat".) No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along these lines:
WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not? Don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurt look on her face)
MAN: (makes audible groan) Oh God here we go
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't. She's left-handed.
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to
explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e.tells the
truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analysed below
along with possible responses.
Question 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I have been a bit
pensive darling. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful,
thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have
met you."
This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most ikely is one of the following:
a. Nothing
b. Football
c. I was thinking that I might need to make a beer run before the football game
d. Anna Kournikova with her long legs and those short tennis outfits she wears
Or if you really wanted world war three you could say "If I wanted you to
know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you."
Question 2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: "YES" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is
necessary: "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh yeah, loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love
d. Does it matter
e. Who, me?
Question 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!!" Among the incorrect
answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
Question 4: Do you think she is prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!!"
Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define "pretty"
e. Turning head back to look at your wife/girlfriend after staring at the woman in guestion "Huh,were you talking to me?"
Question 5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question. (The real answer of course is "Buy Ferrari and a boat".) No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along these lines:
WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not? Don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurt look on her face)
MAN: (makes audible groan) Oh God here we go
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't. She's left-handed.
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FaithfulAngel24
- Roswell Fanatic
- Posts: 2594
- Joined: Fri Jan 28, 2005 1:34 am
- Location: Alabama for now, but someday I'll be on a beach in Morocco
- Contact:
He HeWOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't. She's left-handed.
Busted Thanks I got a really good kick out of these.
Love is not finding the perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly. Looking for a little magic? Practical Enchantment
When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 a minute. ~Author Unknown
A lot of guys think the larger a woman's breasts are, the less intelligent she is. I don't think it works like that. I think it's the opposite. I think the larger a woman's breasts are, the less intelligent the men become. ~Anita Wise
Anybody who believes that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach flunked geography. ~Robert Byrne
God gave us all a penis and a brain, but only enough blood to run one at a time. ~Robin Williams
Women may be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake whole relationships. ~James Shubert
Three wise men - are you serious? ~Author Unknown
What is the difference between men and women? A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need, and a man wants every woman to satisfy his one need. ~Author Unknown
When it comes to hiding porn, every man is a CIA agent. ~S. Sachs
If men had more up top we'd need less up front. ~Jaci Stephen
Imagine what will happen to this nation if large numbers of American women start using the Wonderbra. It will be catastrophic. The male half of the population will be nothing but mindless drooling Zombies of Lust. Granted, this is also true now, but it will be even worse. ~Dave Barry
A lot of guys think the larger a woman's breasts are, the less intelligent she is. I don't think it works like that. I think it's the opposite. I think the larger a woman's breasts are, the less intelligent the men become. ~Anita Wise
Anybody who believes that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach flunked geography. ~Robert Byrne
God gave us all a penis and a brain, but only enough blood to run one at a time. ~Robin Williams
Women may be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake whole relationships. ~James Shubert
Three wise men - are you serious? ~Author Unknown
What is the difference between men and women? A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need, and a man wants every woman to satisfy his one need. ~Author Unknown
When it comes to hiding porn, every man is a CIA agent. ~S. Sachs
If men had more up top we'd need less up front. ~Jaci Stephen
Imagine what will happen to this nation if large numbers of American women start using the Wonderbra. It will be catastrophic. The male half of the population will be nothing but mindless drooling Zombies of Lust. Granted, this is also true now, but it will be even worse. ~Dave Barry
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dark_skater
- Enthusiastic Roswellian
- Posts: 3
- Joined: Sun Sep 18, 2005 4:20 am
wow *laugh* great stuff.... *rofl*
ok now something from me i translated it so sorry if i use incorrect words
*no dick is as hard as life itself*
a woman asks a man to say something dirrty to her while they have sex.
his response: kitchen...
*rofl*ok now something from me i translated it so sorry if i use incorrect words
*no dick is as hard as life itself*
a woman asks a man to say something dirrty to her while they have sex.
his response: kitchen...
Meinungsfreiheit heißt nicht, das ich mir jeden Scheiß anhören muss!!!!!