Jealousy and exes

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Lorastar
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Jealousy and exes

Post by Lorastar » Tue Apr 04, 2006 8:40 pm

Just curious on other peoples opinions on exes and jealousy. I'm one of those people who's still with my first boyfriend, and have the ring on the left hand to show for it, but my boyfriend...he's had several previous relationships. Now...what I'm wondering is...how many people care about past relationships your current SO was involved in?

Let's say, you were best friends with your current SO for a year before you started dating, and in that year, you were privy to discussions on how beautiful so and so was, and how much he loved what's her name. About their first date and first kiss. And then...he starts telling you how much he loves you and wants to be with you. And of course, this is a guy who would never cheat on you, would never dream of it. How many of you would be fine knowing he was friends again with a girl he loved only months before you two started dating?

Anyway...what I guess I'm wondering is: how close are exes allowed to be? Are they still allowed to be friends, and hope they run into each other?
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Post by Icequeen » Tue Apr 04, 2006 9:04 pm

Good topic. First if he was in love with someone just months before he claimed to be in love with me I’d be suspect about that. You can’t fall out of love that fast. Even if the person did you dirty the feelings don’t go away like that.

If he was in love with her I wouldn’t like them being friends because I would think that the feelings were still there maybe even on her part as well. It would really depend on how much time was between me and the last girl.

I wouldn’t mind him saying hello or whatever if he saw her but that’s about it. Being civil would be fine with me but hanging out or long conversations I wouldn’t like. Again I’d be worried about past feelings and such.

Even if I thought he would never cheat on me…things happen. Just 'cause he doesn’t have the intention of cheating doesn’t mean that some girl wouldn’t try something with him when I wasn’t around. Males and females being just friends is very tricky. When you are good friends with someone of the opposite sex it’s hard to not fall for that person eventually. You start to see them in a different light and think “Hey, we have a lot on common, why not?” There are many people together now that started out as "just friends."

Basically I wouldn’t be too happy about my current boyfriend being close friends with an Ex. Hello, goodbye is ok but nothing more then that, for me anyway.

Very interesting topic. I’d love to get a males POV on this :D
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Post by Lolita » Wed Apr 05, 2006 1:08 pm

Crap! I shouldn't have read this thread because it just made the green bitch come out again.

My fiance and I have been together for 10 years, yet I'm still insanely jealous of his ex, which is totally illogical. First off, he's had a long-term girlfriend between me and this ex (let's call her, Michelle). Never once has my guy ever mentioned he loved Michelle. However, I do know that they did the dirty when he broke up with the ex before me. I don't think very highly of Michelle since she was with someone when the dirty deed was done, so essentially, she cheated with my guy. Due to this reason, I think she's a skanky ho and have demanded that my fiance never see her ever again. I don't care if he's friend's with her. The good guy that he is, he's respected my wishes and has never seen her or mentioned her name again. Although, from time to time he likes to tease me and allude that he's meeting her for coffee (or such) just so he can see me go crazy like a bull.

I think he finds it amusing. :x
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Post by POM » Wed Apr 05, 2006 1:30 pm

My finacee and I have been together for 3 1/2 yrs. and I love him to death!! My Ex he's still hung up on me, and tries constantly to get my boyfriend jealous, tell him crap that he saw me with another guy. I guess to get back at me for dumping him. My Ex has no money, No car, and lives with his Mom <--- Total Mama's BOY!!

My Ex still loves me, that's why he keeps doing this--But I moved on!! I don't see why can't he.

My finacee is only my second boyfriend and he's a hell of a lot better boyfriend status than my first :lol:

I just wish my ex would forget the whole jealously thing--and move on, we aren't together anymore.

I mean I'm getting married for christs sakes :roll:

<3 POM

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Post by Morning Dreamgirl » Wed Apr 05, 2006 4:09 pm

I think above all it's about communication and trust.

Are they honestly just friends? Does she plan on wanting something more from him? What about it you were to all spend time together in a large group?

She might not be as bad a person as you believe. After all, the majority of us are ex's. Therefore we know that there are people who would be livid if we were to hang out with their SO. You might get to know her and see what you think. Besides, most women, when they become friends with other women, are less likely to want to take what doesn't belong to them. It's part of that friendship bond. (Don't get me wrong, there are those who will regardless, but if they're like that, they'll do it whether you're friends of not.)

Out of respect, if someone came to me and said "I feel uncomfortable with you spending time with so-and-so," I would (A) want to know why and see if I can do anything to change it (B) If the person plays an important part in my friend's life, I would talk to my friend and see if we can't just email each other or something instead of physically spending time together (since it makes others uncomfortable).

However, you have to realize that most people, if you were to approach them like this, would get upset and defensive. Therefore, I think the best thing to do would be to first approach your SO.

What it comes down to is, can you trust him? Even if she were to try and pull something (which it doesn't sound like you know 100% if she would or not), can you trust him to tell her no?

If you can't sit down and talk about it and come to a mutal understanding you need to look at why. My advice is that if you don't feel you can trust him, you need to think about this relationship.

On a side note, my SO (who is a guy) has a best friend who is a woman. This used to really upset me and I would get so jealous! Then I realized that there are benefits to her being his best friend. For example, if he's really just (sorry men!) being a guy, I can call or email her and say, "Look, he's doing this and it's really bugging/hurting me and I don't know how to explain it to him to get him to stop. What do you you think?"

She can either give me advice, offer to talk to him, or just give me insight to how he's feeling. Or there are times when I, as a woman, am like, "I just need space right now." He can call her and she can explain to him that (as a woman) when I say I need space, it's normal.

Just, take a step back, find out what you're really uncomfortable with, and talk about it. Get it out in the open. You'll learn more than you think you will.

Hopes this helps!

Ashley

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Post by RosDude » Mon Apr 17, 2006 9:57 am

Ok here’s the Caveman theory.

Me see girl!

Me like girl!

Me date girl!

Me marry girl!

My girl mine!

No touch my girl

No look at my girl

No think of my girl

So basically that’s what it boils down to…well, for me anyway. I am an extremely jealous guy. I don’t even want to think about my wife and another guy, let alone an ex boyfriend, because he is someone that was once in the same position as me, well sans the marriage thing.

However, My wife and I dated for six freaking years before we got married in December and I’m only 21. You do the math. Therefore, I am not intimidated by her ex boyfriend. Or kid that she held hands with at recess, cuz that’s all he could have possibly been.

More then likely he was a twelve-year-old snot nosed kid named Dwain that pulled her hair and wrote her a note that said, “Will you be ma girlfriend” in box letters. Therefore in my mind he will remain a snot nosed twelve year old named Dwain for the rest of his life.

I will never ask her anything about him. I don’t want to know his real name, what he looks like or if he has any similarities to me, or else I would have to hunt him down and take him out the game.

Do I trust my wife? Hell yeah!

Do I trust myself not to bust a cap in any guy that looks at her?

Hell no! :twisted:

Why? Because she is my wife! Mine, not construction worker Carter’s or Plumber Paul’s. Mine!! Mine!! Mine!! Not Business Suit Bill’s or Video store Vincent’s. Mine!!And definitely not Sidewalk Sammy’s who openly checks out her butt when we’re walking to the car. Right in front of me!! :x

And of course, sexist sexist, I’m hers too, yadda yadda yadda!

So there, that is my unbelievably irrational opinion about that.

~Chad~
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Post by maxandliz4ever1357 » Mon Apr 17, 2006 4:48 pm

.... That was probably the best post I've ever read. :lol:
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Post by Raychelxluscious » Mon Apr 17, 2006 4:53 pm

Chad...

You are hysterical.

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Post by Lorastar » Mon Apr 17, 2006 7:14 pm

*laughs*

Can I admit that I find jealousy in guys so cute? I love it when my boyfriend has those rare moments where he gets jealous in public, and wraps his arm around me and says "Mine." It's so cute! But then he just laughs when he sees guys check me out. Especially since their mostly old dudes (almost my dad's age) staring at my butt.

I'm the same way, mine is mine. My boyfriend belongs to me. I'm his. He's mine. And no other girl can have him. Or touch. Or look. And they better not FLIRT! Cause that's a big no-no.

I do trust my boyfriend, I love and trust him very much. It's just...knowing that he was in love with these girls only months before he started dating me. It's confusing. Like he doesn't really know what love is. And what if, God forbid, he decides one day that he does know what it is, and it's not what he has with me? Then what? I've wasted the last year and a half.

We ended up having a discussion, which involved quite a few tears from me and the threat of breaking up. *laughs* We came to an agreement after I noticed he was going out of his way to talk to yet another ex.

Chad, I agree about the 12 year old boyfriend. My boyfriend had "girlfriends" when he was young. He's kissed about 8 girls that I know of, but they don't start to count until you're older. I think it's adorable that his first kiss was with a neighbor girl when they were three. I wouldn't want to meet her, it's better to think of my boyfriend as a little blond boy with a little blond curly haired girl. It's cute that way. But meeting the actual ex...too much, too real.

I'm mainly okay with his exes until I meet them. Until I can see why my boyfriend liked them in the first place. Until I see they really are as beautiful and cool as he said they were. Which makes me feel like shit, cause honestly, I know I'm not pretty like them. And as for cool...I'm a workaholic, I have no time for fun anymore.
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Post by Morning Dreamgirl » Mon Apr 17, 2006 9:07 pm

I agree with the others!

Chad - you are just too funny for words!

Honest, but funny at the same time!

Love it!

Ashley

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